CheapShow - Ep 92: Without A Cluedo

Episode Date: September 7, 2018

There has been a murder at Tudor Mansion! Who was it? Where was the crime committed and with what object? If that all sounds familiar, then that's because it's Cluedo, innit? In this latest episode of CheapShow, Gannon gets another Golden Game to add to his collection, and this isn't any old Cluedo! No. This is Cluedo SFX!! Which means it's fancy. Who will win? The answer maybe slightly anti-climatic. Also, it went on for AGES, so be prepared for a few artistic edits! Elsewhere in this economy comedy podcast, Eli brings you a disco hit from the DEVIL, we hear a range of "music" from 80s DJ Steve Wright and dive headfirst into a long anticipated "Off Brand/Brand Off". Topic: Biscuits. It's pretty hardcore round here, mate! So relax, unwind and enjoy the sounds of 2 middle aged men shouting at each other. You deserve it. And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Right, recording. Don't want to be recording. Why don't you? Because you're not in the zone again. How's your headache? It's better, actually. Thanks for the pain killer. Thank you.

Can't we ever just do a proper intro? Let's be nice today. Let's me and you be absolutely lovely to each other. We always say that. All right, well, fuck you. Fuck off. Fuck you and fuck off. Welcome to Cheap Show.

You always say that as well. Fuck you and fuck off. Welcome to Cheap Show. You've literally run out of anything to say. Your whole range of everything you say basically is those two things. Let's be lovely to each other. Fuck off. That could be your whole

contribution. Yeah. At least I try and be nice. You're never nice. No, you're nice. I can't lie. You're my mate and you're nice. You've done nice things for me. Good Paul. You have. I know. I'll do the intro this time. You're my mate and you're nice. Crikey. You've done nice things for me. Good, Paul. You have. I know. I'll do the intro this time.

You do it. For a bit of difference. I'm happy for you to do it. I can't do it as well as you, though. I do my best. Ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of the week again. Shut up! You can't... Just doing what you do to me. That's what makes it funny, isn't it? That's what makes it funny isn't it that's what makes it funny isn't it ladies and gentlemen welcome to another rip-roaring edition of cheap show i think i think

we should just try to do this again no honestly no this is raw this is not on the edge it's just bad this is podcasting living on the edge mate and if you don't buckle up just start again start the intro again i won't interrupt you ladies and buckle up... Just start again. Start the intro again. I won't interrupt you. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time again, that time of the week, for you to sit back with another edition of Cheap Show and get all cosy. I'm really tight-chested. Just use your inhaler. No one wants to hear your filthy

wheeze. No one wants to hear it. Especially me. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another edition of Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast for you. Why not get comfy and cosy? Because me and Eli are going to delight you with our words and our humour and our... You've got nothing. You've got nothing.

You've got nothing. Just say welcome to Cheap Show. I thought we said we weren't going to do these late night records. They don't work. It doesn't work as a time of day for us. It's not work. It doesn't work as a time of day for us. It's not good. It doesn't work as a time of day for us. Just say, welcome to Cheap Show. Welcome to Cheap Show.

I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of cheap show you're gonna have to fucking reset. Moodle time. Tales from the dance floor. How's the big guy? The price of chocolate is $1. How's the Bitcoin? The price of the site? It's all guaranteed.

Hello. Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheap Show. They're not going on nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, it's the economy comedy podcast. I've already said that. I know, but... Mate, please.

What, play along? It's been five seconds. Five seconds after the intro. Just let me breathe. You can't, you need to use your inhaler. I won't, yeah. Fucking use your inhaler, I'm sick of hearing it, honestly. Got it. Fucking use your inhaler. I'm sick of hearing it. Honestly. Got it.

Fucking use it. And don't be doing it badly. I know how to do it. All right. I've been sucking an inhaler for the best part of my life, mate. And that's not the only thing you've been sucking. Men's cots as well. In case anyone was in any doubt.

It's already turned into the podcast in 10 years' time where we can't talk, as we say. Right. Right. What's coming up on this show, though, bro? Why don't you have a fucking guess? Go on, what do you think? What have we got? I don't know.

Cheap eats? Kind of. Tales from the shop floor? No. That usually happens. No, not doing that this week. What if you talk about something that you're nostalgic for, like some kind of shit magazine or something?

No, not a magazine, but something. Really depressing. There's another Ganon's Golden Games coming up. Aha! And we have Off Brand Brand Off on the way as well. We haven't done that in a while, have we? Oh! This is going to be a lot of fun.

It's going to be a lot of fun. Then we're going to do part two of our big platter platter-off. We got a lot of platters, so we're going to do your Silverman's platter. Silverman's platters. There's lots to look forward to on this lovely edition of Cheap Show. I can't wait to start. Can you?

It's late. What time was it? Time was it? It was recording this. Past my bedtime. Past my bedtime. Beddy-boge, bye-bye. I want to go beddy-boge. It's 20 to 11 was it? Time was it It was recording this Past my bedtime Past my bedtime Beddy Boj Bye bye I want to go Beddy Boj It's 20 to 11 mate

We should record this late I've run out of steam Would you like a cuddle? No You always say that Would you like a cuddle though? A nice kind of positive Absolutely fucking not

Why not? It's not Because it isn't about me Feeling emotionally vulnerable Like I need a huggy positive. Absolutely fucking not. Why not? It's not because this isn't about me feeling emotionally vulnerable. Like I need a huggy. I feel like shit. Alright? I feel tired and sweaty. You always do.

I wish I didn't have to look at you. To be honest. Now you've got personal. I don't want you touching me. I wish you weren't even here. Wow. I wish I was by myself. And you will be forever. Don't do that with the fucking thing. You'll be alone forever. Okay, now this is below the belt.

You've grabbed the ghoulies. Mate, you open the door, or I'm just kicking off the injuries. I've opened the door, my ghoulie door. Your big ball door. I've opened my big ball door, and he's gone for him. And I've kicked the injuries off.

Good. Now, what have we got coming up on the show, Paul? I just fucking for them. And I've kicked the injures off. Good. Now, what have we got coming up on the show, Paul? I just fucking told you. Just off-brand, brand-off. Does it ever feel like you just go around in a big circle? Off-brand, brand-off. Ooh, off-brand, off-brand, off-brand, brand-off. Should we just start the fucking jingle now?

Off-brand, brand-off, brand-off, on-brand, off-brand. And then we've got Ganon's Golden Games, and it's a special today. Ooh. Absolute bargain. And I can't believe it. Now, talking of games, Paul, have we already mentioned that I saw the Dune game for... Yes, we have already mentioned that. No, we haven't.

We talked about it, but not on the pod. I think I'm going to get it. Yeah, but you said it's kind of like a roll dice game? I didn't have a look at it because it was just in the window of the shop. I just saw the price. Okay, Google. Dune board game. No, not do you board game.

Do you board game? Do I board game? Do I? I do. Do you do it? I do board game. Do you board game? I do. I do the board game. That would be a good ad, wouldn't it? Do you board game? Yes, I do do board game. I do do board game. What board game do you do? I do all of them.

I do. Oh, do, do, do, do, do, do. I like do board games. I do do board games. What board game do you do? I do all of them. I do. Oh, do, do, do, do, do, do. I like do. You can't do late night ones. You can't do them. I do, do, do, do. Oh, fucking hell. What? It's worth a lot.

It looks quite elaborate. Look. Yeah. It looks like... There's bits of spice there. Is it like Risk or something? Spice Majora. What is it? Oh, God. It's complicated of spice there. Is it like Risk or something? Spice Majora. What is it?

Oh, God, it's complicated. Look at that fucking picture. Everyone's got different plates and shit. Flippin' heck. How much was that? A tenner. It doesn't seem that bad a price now, does it? No.

Dune Board Game. Boardgamegeek.com. I always go there for my board game facts. Does it have a review? It sometimes does, sometimes doesn't. Sometimes it has an audience thing. It's not particularly well kept. Oh, hang on. Does it have a review? It sometimes does, sometimes doesn't, sometimes has like an audience thing. It's, you know, not particularly well kept. Oh, hang on.

This looks like a different thing. Or maybe the one we saw has been updated. That looks a bit more modern than the one I've seen. 7.6, this has been given overall by rating. Is that good? Yeah. I mean, I think it's out of 10. Dice game.

But looking at this version of it, this looks like the classic edition. Let's see. Let's have a little look at that. There you go. So it's fundamentally the same. Yeah, the cover was different of the one I saw.

It was blue. The cover was blue. Interesting. It had a blue thing. And also it wasn't like that sort of portrait mode, isn't it? Yeah, spice.

It's a weird portrait cover. Yeah. Oh, that's strange. And my one was landscape. So the images we just saw were probably from the modern version of this one that we're looking at now. Yeah. And, that's straightforward. My one was Landscape. So the images we just saw were probably from the modern version of this one that we're looking at now. And it looks like a kind of Risk-type game.

I've got to go back a few images now and go and look at the description. Have you read Dune? No. Well, it is about a political power struggle. So that could basically turn into a game quite well, couldn't it? Set thousands of years in the future, Dune is a board game based on the Frank Herbert novels about an arid planet mobiles novels about an arid planet

human space empire political blah blah blah each player takes the role of one of the faction attempting to control dune they have special powers each turns can take over the map deadly storms sandworms can affect play military fractions blah blah blah yeah it looks like a kind of strategic board game probably very good but i get frightened by those they're too daunting a game to play you know what i mean it's like it's a bit of an undertaking as a fucking phone book okay and so i don't know we've got the opposite of that i think we might have one of the most simplistic games and yet kind of actually still within the mystery genre of it. I'll just spoil it

with doing Cluedo. Okay. Cluedo SFX. Ooh. What are the SFX? Someone going, I'm Mr. Plum. It's got a special board

where it knows where you're going around the board. Does it have the voices of the various characters? It does. It has voice work and it has like

a little 3D manor. I'm looking forward to it. And you only get four characters but they have a special thing on. When you go around the board,

it knows where you are so there's sound effects. I'm in the swimming pool. Splosh. get four characters, but they have a special thing on. When you go around the board, it knows where you are, so the sound effects. I'm in the swimming pool. Splosh and stuff like that. Ah. So it's interesting. We'll get to that later. That's the setup for the show today.

Let's crack on. Okay, then. You know what it's time for. Ooh. It's Off Brand Brand. How did it go? Off Brand Brand. No, you had to go diddle-iddle.

Diddle-iddle-iddle. Right, okay, here we go. Off Brand Brand Off. Off Brand Brand Off. Off Brand Brand Off. Off Brand Brand Off. Off Brand Brand Off. Off Brand Brand Off.

Off Brand Brand Off. Off Brand Brand Off. Off Brand Brand Off. Ah, that's enough. It's brought to you by Richard Brand Off. Richard Brand Off. Off, off, off. Off, off, off Off, off, off

Yes, it's Off Brand Brandoff We've not done it in a while And it's brought to you by Richard Brandoff Maybe he might turn up later He's a busy man Is he a busy man? I know, I know I was talking to his agent

His agent Yeah Old Slippery Bill Leslie Slippery Bill Wilson Yeah And Slippery Bill said Leslie Slippery Bill Wilson Yeah Yeah And Slippery Bill Said to me

In that voice of his He said You know I can't look at you When you do that Because it's really upsetting So I'm just going to Close my eyes

And you can carry on He said Mr Brandoff's a very Very busy man And he might not be able To turn up Even though he presents it. It doesn't mean he can do it, okay?

I'm wearing earphones and that voice in my ear is like, it's like you're licking my ear. Now, if you haven't heard this section before, it is, off-brand Brandoff, this is the section of the show, and it is quite serious underneath it all. Yes, it is. It's an investigation into consumer ethics. Yes. This is the section where I, blindfolded, must decide

if I can distinguish between the branded product and the off-brand product hawked mercilessly in the budget supermarkets of the land. I couldn't have put it simpler myself and literally couldn't what the comestible category of food product will i be blind

testing tonight on off-brand brand off ladies and gentlemen we have a selection of biscuits or if you're american cookies it's biscuits which means which comes to the french for twice cooked and that's why it's called biscuit. And it's all crunchy, isn't it? So why do they don't... It's all crispy. In America, their biscuits aren't twice cooked,

so why do they call them biscuits? Fucking idiots. I think they might be. Oh. Oh, sorry, America. It's just what the word came from. Oh, right. Well, anyway,

our biscuits are better. I'm doing biscuits. Well, our biscuits... They're just what we call scones, isn't it? What they call biscuits. No. It's like a... Cookies. No. Look, you't it? What they call biscuits No, they're cookies

No Look, you know what? We don't have the biggest American audience So let's not bother Oh, good, yeah, just fuck them Let's just fuck them Oh, yeah If you're listening, great, but...

Oh, wow Oh, I do I'm being a fool You are being a fool For larks So today, we're doing biscuits And we're going to try the branded recognized solid dependable biscuits against their basic or knockoff variety and these are all mcvitties the brands are they

yes so today we're looking at rich tea i personally i like it i like it you know i like it with a little bit of nutella on that's my little secret i wouldn't put a spread on myself it's sweet enough for me it is it's a nice dunking biscuit now on. That's my little secret shame. I wouldn't put a spread on myself. It's sweet enough for me. It is. It's a nice dunking biscuit. Now, Paul, I feel the need to ask you, what is your whole general attitude towards biscuits? I like them. I'm a dunker.

I like my biscuits to be dunked. And this rich tea is a good dunker. Well, it's in the name. It's in the name. It's what it's for. Same for morning coffee. That's a good dunking biscuit. It's a biscuit called morning coffee? Yeah. Is there one called... It's a little square biscuit that's what he's for. Same for morning coffee. That's a good Dunkin' Biscuit. It's a biscuit called morning coffee?

Yeah. Is there one called... It's a little square biscuit that's basically like a very thin, rich tea. Is there one called glass of water on a hot day? No. That would be a good biscuit. There's one called nice. Because there's one called table water, which are crackers as well.

Remember crackers? Oh, table water biscuits. Yeah, what the fuck does that mean? Crackers? They're made with water. It doesn't mean you have to have them with water. No. See, this, but if you go by that rule for rich tea, you'd think,ackers? They're made with water. It doesn't mean you have to have them with water. No. See, this.

But if you go by that rule for rich tea, you'd think, oh, these are biscuits made with tea. They could be. Where does the name come from? It's a rich biscuit made for dunking in tea. And it's a classic, it says there. Rich tea classic. Well, if you have to put classic on your products. I mean, Coke did.

Because they fucked up the recipe. So maybe they fucked up their biscuits once. That's when you start calling it Cheap Show Classic. What? Cheap Show Classic. Cheap Show Classic. We're not though.

We're definitely a new Cheap Show at this point. Anyway, biscuit. What kind of a biscuit is it? What do you describe it? It's a very dry, dry, crunchy

wheat biscuit. Crispy? Yeah. Sweet? Not overly sweet. Anyway, next is the McVitie's's digestives oaty crumbly biscuit they've got much more of a rough texture again they were initially designed for digestion

they thought that by eating them yeah but that's just like there's all that old stuff like that used to be sort of like a medicine but like lucas aid was seen as medicinal wasn't yeah i like a nice chocolate digestive but for the sake of this it's gone pure. And what's the last item I'll be blind testing against its off-brand competitor? Ginger nuts. Yes, but...

Yes, but what's the last... Oh, I know. We have such fun on this show. Yes, Paul, but what's the last biscuit I'll be tasting? McVitie's ginger nut biscuit. Oh, I see. A ginger crunchy biscuit. These are good fucking dunking biscuits.

Ginger snap is another thing. That kind of biscuit's been referred to, yeah. Yeah, but they're just a nice, hard, slightly chewy ginger biscuit. I think a ginger snap might be the American term for it, actually. Maybe, but these, in a cup of tea, are the perfect fucking dunker. Yeah, you see, the thing is, it, actually. Maybe, but these in a cup of tea are the perfect fucking donker. Yeah, you think... See, the thing is, Paul, I don't really like biscuits. Well, then we won't do this section then, shall we?

Well, if we go by that logic, I don't really like you, so should we just not do the podcast? Anyway, as a result, I also went and was in Sainsbury's and I bought their Basics Rich Tea. Okay. Okay, so you're going to be... I feel pretty confident I'll be able to tell the difference.

What do you think is going to be the difference? I just think it's going to be a sort of quality issue. Okay. Sainsbury's Basics are pretty basic and it's got...

Look, it's got... It's got their little sort of cheap brand... Yeah. Knock-off version of design. ...justification sort of... Tastes like shit but you're a cunt.

You paid 20p for this? Yeah. What do you expect? That was like 35p. It's got rat feces in paid 20p for this? Yeah. What do you expect? I think that was like 35p. It's got rat feces in it. But it's basics. What do you want? But anyway.

And their little thing for these is simple favourite, great for dunking. We put no money into this. Just dunk it to mask the taste. And then actually Sainsbury's own brand rich tea. Okay. So that's just their version of the rich tea business. What were those? Basics. Sainsbury's basics brand rich tea. Okay. So that's just their version of the rich tea biscuit. What were those?

Basics. Sainsbury's basics. Those are digestives? No. Rich tea. You've got two basic rich teas? Two different rich teas? I've got three.

Rich tea. Sainsbury's rich tea. I can't compare the digestive against anything. No. I've got them as well. All right. You've got two types of fake rich tea. Do you know how many fucking biscuits I've fucking got?

You've got a lot of biscuits in that bag. I've got Sainsbury's basic digestives, so you can compare that to that. Okay. And what does it say on that? Simple, classic, great for dunking. And then I've also got ginger snaps. Okay. See, they're called snaps here.

So the generic term is a ginger snap. That's the type of biscuit. So you've got a comparison for every real item. All right. Okay. I think that time has come, Paul. All right. Let's start with the rich tea, shall we?

It's for me to put on my blindfold. Presented by Richard Brandl. Oh, he's coming. I'll just go let him in. Huff, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff. Oh, hello there, Paul. Hello, Richard. Thank you for coming, even though you weren't invited. A very busy man, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff. Oh, hello there, Paul. Hello, Richard. Thank you for coming, even though you weren't invited.

A very busy man, but yes, sir. I'm glad to... Excuse me? Fuck off, then, if you're busy. I'm Richard Brandoff. You want people who are here. You can't talk to Richard Brandoff like that. Just did, though, didn't I?

So fuck off, Richard. Eli, what have you got to say about this? Don't ask him. He's not in charge of this show. Yeah? I'm Richard Brandoff. You can't deal with a situation like this. A't ask him. He's not in charge of this show. Uh, yeah. I'm Richard Brownoff. You can't deal

with a situation like this. A situation? Fuck off. Is that like a situation you buy in a Chinese restaurant?

Yes. A situation? Get it, Paul? Get it? Yeah. Anyway, I'm opening biscuits. Right, here's

the, uh, here's a blindfold for you, Eli. I tell you what, I had to get my secretary, Deirdre, who I'm boning, to get me this blindfold. Sorry, it smells of spunk. I hate this character.

I hate this character. Here we go, Eli. I'm going to present this. It's a red vest. It's the red vest by Richard Brandoff. And I'm off. What a waste of time, ladies and gentlemen. this. It's a red vest. It's the red vest by Richard Brandoff and I'm off. What a waste of time, ladies and gentlemen.

I think you'll all agree, what a waste of time. Come on. Fuck off. Just put your fucking vest over your head. I was just seeing Richard Brandoff to the door, Paul. Why wasn't there a sound effect for the door closing then? Well, I was hoping you'd put that in in the edit. Well, I'm not going to, to spite you. I think we need sound effect support for Richard Brandoff.

We'll talk about it off the show. All that effort for that. All that effort for that. I think he's shouting at his secretary out in the hall. I feel embarrassed that you are so attached to that you. Just wipe the spank off. I feel... The vest on. I feel embarrassed that you are so attached to that character. Now put your vest on. Right, I'm going. Fucking hell.

Put your vest on. I think he's gone, Paul. It's 11 o'clock at night and I just want you to fucking put your vest on. I've got the vest on. Oh, yeah. All right, yeah? I'm ready for... Off Brand Brand Off.

Off Brand Brand Off. Don't do this on time. So, we're going to start with Rich T, okay? Are you ready? Off Brand Brand Off, yeah. I'm not Don't do this on. It's fine. So we're going to start with Rich T. Okay? Are you ready? Off Brand Brand Off. I'm not going to tell you which one I'm giving you.

You have to bite and taste. Do you have a pen and paper? I do. I have a pen. Look. Ow! And I have paper. So I'll be writing down your notes.

Okay? Okay. Just texting Richard Brand Off to say sorry for you. Don't bother. He's not coming back. I don't feel attached to him and you shouldn't. Are you ready for your

first biscuit? I am ready. Give me the biscuit. I want smell, texture, all of that. Here's your first biscuit now. Okay. I'm giving it a sniff. Immediately it feels stale. Interesting. Texture, I can't tell anything like that. The sniff is giving me

it's got a biscuit taste of sort of smell. Yeah. Smell to it. But it does smell a bit stale. Stop touching your mic. I'm eating it now. I can't see shit. Mmm.

Tasty. Tasty. Very, very tasty. They're very tasty. They're very tasty. Very dry. Yeah. That's what they are.

Very crisp. That's nice I mean okay apart from this maybe this is going to be a very difficult challenge I'm just going to take that

as a baseline because I can't yeah so what do you think that is I'm going to have to push you and see what you think to me that is like the McVitie's

I can't okay yeah I need I need to toast another biscuit to be able to let me pour you some water dear so you can cleanse your palate, all right? I've got the little glass here.

Is this going to be clean, love? It's going to have to be. What glass? There's a glass on your table. I know. It might have had anything in it. God. Then I'll just...

Yeah, maybe don't drink out of that. No, just... Is your cup got stuff in? Just drink out of your cup. Okay, the cup. That'll be fine. Your cup is... I'll give you...

Yeah, it had coffee in it. There you go. Okay. Is there water in it now? No, there's nothing in it. Unless you want your cup. Okay, the cup. That'll be fine. Your cup is... I'll give you... It had coffee in it. There you go. Okay, is there water in it now? No, there's nothing in it. Unless you want me to put something in it now. Here we go. I'm pouring it in. Put some coffee in. I mean, some water. Yeah, there you go. Okay. Here is biscuit number two. You ready? Okay, this is it.

It's coming down hardcore now. Here you go. Next biscuit's in your hand. Okay, it's more roughly hewn. Much more roughly hewn, Paul. Oh, it's very roughly hewn. As if it hasn't as well finished as that last one. So I'm thinking this is the knockoff already. Interesting.

This is very knobbly. It's very knobbly indeed. It is very knobbly. Yeah. You're right. It's got a lot of knobbles to it. What's the sniff? Less of a smell. Okay. Less of a smell It's got a lot of nobbles to it. What's the sniff? Less of a smell.

Okay. Less of a smell. Is that a good thing? Yeah, because it doesn't have that stale note. Yeah, that stale tang that some biscuits sometimes have. It doesn't have any of that. He's having a good sniff. It's really got much less of a smell than the last one.

Okay. He's eating it. Mmm. Oh. It's got a more burnt... More burnt? Slightly more burnt. This is fascinating stuff. I think we'll all agree. Flavour.

It's still very similar texture. It just seems less refined. Interesting. Okay. So I'm going to have to push you for that as well. What do you think? God, it's only a biscuit. Come on, it's only a biscuit. Come on, it's only a biscuit. It's your fucking section, mate. I know, but...

Well, don't fucking rush me. I'm going to have to. I need to make gut decisions in a blink of an eye. I think that's one of the... I would say... Yeah. I'll give you one last chance to change them around after you've had all three.

Okay. Yeah? I think that is the sort of Sainsbury's standard. Sainsbury's brand. Yeah.'s standard. Sainsbury's brand. Yeah. All right. Sainsbury's brand. Okay.

Then here's the last one. Here you go. Last biscuit. Last rish tea. Now, this, interestingly enough, Paul, has a knobbliness. Knobbliness, indeed. A knobbliness exactly semi-distant between the last two biscuits, as if it slots in between. Knobbly, knobbly.

It's in between the knobbliness. It's still, knobbly. It's in between the knobbliness. It's still quite knobbly. It's still knobbly biscuit. Yeah. Having a sniff? God, this is disgusting. Again, not much coming off it, but slight staleness.

Okay. What's the taste like, Mr. Silverman? It's just not as nice. Okay. Just drier, less flavour. No amplitude of that rich tea thing. Doesn't have the amplitude that the first one had. So what do you want to say then?

I think this is the basic. I really do. I think this is the basic. Okay, fine. That's your decision then. Okay. Not very nice. I think I'm going to stick with those positions, Paul. Okay. You want to stick with them? Yeah. Fine. Good. Understandable think I'm going to stick with those positions, Paul. Okay.

You want to stick with them? Yeah. Fine. Good. Understandable. We're going to move on now to digestives. Are you ready? I need to wash

the old palate. Well, I let... God, I was really looking forward to the return of Richard Brandoff. You ruined it by insulting him. Seriously, man.

I'm just not impressed with the character, mate. It really is that simple. I don't know what you see in him. I don't know what you see in him. I don't know what other people see in him. It's better than Jimmy Biscuits. Jimmy Biscuits is a fully fleshed out character who

sometimes takes over me. Against my will. Okay, yeah. So you're a medium and he's what? A dead man. Just give me the digestive, yeah? Hang on. I've got to get them out first. Then you're going to forget which is which. I haven't.

Don't worry about it. We've got just how many digestives? Just one and one? Yeah, one and the knockoff. All right, ready? Okay. Here is your first digestive biscuit. Go.

Is it brand on or brand off? It has... It's not as knobbly as some of those rich tea, but you think of it as a more knobbly biscuit. You do. And it has that toasted oat smell that you... That we care so much about biscuit. You do. And it has that toasted oat smell that we care so much about. It does have that toasted oat smell.

He's going in for the bite. It tastes like a digestive. What do you want me to fucking say? Yeah. What do you want me to say? It's flavour, it's amplitude, it's textures. It's really hard to taste. To tell. Unless I get a comparison. It tastes kind of toasty. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, a biscuit. Yeah. A bit bready. A bit bready. Again. It tastes nice, does it? Not that nice.

I'm hoping this is the bad one because... All right, well, here's the next biscuit. Give me the other one. Give me the other one. I wasn't impressed. I broke it off this, so I apologise. I got a little bit broke off. Now, this is smoother.

It just feels more uniform. Yeah, you're happy with the texture more on that one. No smell. No smell? Very little smell compared to the last biscuit. And I don't know what that makes me think, you know, whether I'm going plus McVitie's or minus McVitie's with this. I'm lost in a world of my own sensation.

Well, I haven't written anything down yet for these, so I'll let you try both of them before you make a decision. This is your second biscuit. What are you thinking? It has more flavour. Yeah? It's got more of that digestive amplitude. I'd say so.

Yeah? Or does it? Oh, is there a twist in this tale? I am going to have to ask you for... It's a bit of a sicky aftertaste. What are you going to do? Is it Sainsbury's or is it McVitie's? I want you to tell me what you think the first biscuit was,

and then the second. The first one was the McVitie's. The second was the knock-off. All right, and now we're going to go on to the final round. Are you ready for some ginger action? Boom! Snap me up a ginger snap. These are my personal favourites.

I've got to be in a mood for them. Yeah, really? You would do a whole sleeve, would you? Easy. Really? Yeah. See, I never eat a whole sleeve of biscuits. In one sitting? Never. I've got to be in a mood for them. Yeah, really? You would do a whole sleeve, would you? Easy. Really? Yeah. See, I never eat a whole sleeve of biscuits. In one sitting? Never. I've been known to.

Yeah. That's why I'm so fucking out of shape. No, actually, I might have done a whole jammy Dodgers. But you don't get many. You can polish those off, though, really quick. You don't get that many, do you? No. You only get about eight of them. It's not like a whole sleeve stacked up like this. No. No biscuits were harmed in the making of this segment. I have to say, I haven't got a great deal of experience with ginger snaps.

I tend to sort of eat half of one and then think, oh, what the fuck is the point of that? Fair enough. What is the point? All right, well, here we go. Here is your first ginger snap. Cleaning the old pallet hole. Here is your first ginger snap.

Let me just find a purchase here. Here you go, mate. Have fun. It's a very uniform texture in the handies. The fingertips, those. I love getting crumbs on the mic cover. Sorry. Go on.

Have a nibble. Watch your gut instinct. Taste of ginger snap, yeah. A sweet, gingery, crunchy, crumbly biscuit. It's just such a familiar flavour. Do you know what I mean. It's just such a familiar flavour. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

It's so familiar. I like him. Dunk him in a nice sweet tea. Oh, bliss, my darling. Nice ginger finish. Yeah. Got a lot of... You like ginger finish.

How is that? You can't twist that round. I gave her a ginger finish last night. What does that mean? You rub it raw, so it's red. So it's all red. That tickled didn't it so old i gave her a ginger i can't i gave her a ginger biscuit anyway so all right here's your second ginger biscuit then okay i'd like that one that's that's a tasty biscuit here is your second ginger biscuit oh even

more smooth on the texture very Very smooth. The finger vibe. The ever so slightly orangey looking biscuit. He's having a go. He's just going straight in. That has more snap. Has more snap. Does that make it

the ginger snap? It's a sort of earthier. I prefer that one. Do you do? Yeah. It's got a sort of earthier it's less sweet. Less sickly almost. Okay. Alright. Do you do? Yeah. It's got a sort of earthier... It's less sweet, less sickly, almost.

Okay. Alright. So you put it... Which one's which, do you think? Which one? I'm thinking, is that... No, I think that is the McVitie's, the second one. The second one is McVitie's. Yeah. And the other one is just the normal... The first one is Sainsbury's ones. Yeah. Alright, so... Can I remove my blindfold now? You can now remove your blindfold. The test under laboratory conditions

are now over. Oh, there's a bunch of biscuits on my bed. You've got a bunch of biscuits on your bed. That's a nice little tongue twister. No, it's not. Buttery biscuits. A bunch of buttery biscuits on my bloody, dirty bed. Dirty bed? Dirty bed. It's a brand of beds. Get with it, Daddy. Oh.

Right, so, are you ready to find out how you did? Yes. So, rich tea. This was where we had triple rich tea. Yeah, we had you did? Yes. So, Rich Tea. This was where we had triple Rich Tea. Yeah, we had triple. Two knock-offs, three layers. Yeah. Three levels.

The bottom level, the basics. Yeah. Middle level, Sainsbury's own brand. Yeah. And the top level, the McVitie's. The McVitie's. Rich Tea. So, you said...

I think I preferred the first one. So, you preferred the first one. Okay. Yeah. Actually, which one did you digest that So you preferred the first one. Okay. Yeah. Actually, which one did you digest? Did you prefer the first or second? The first. And then with the ginger snaps, you got the second one, didn't you?

Yeah. All right. Okay. Interesting note. I'll make this note. So for Rich T, you said the first was McFitty's, the second was Sainsbury's, and the last was Basic. The answer was, or rather the results were,

the first was Sainsbury's, but you preferred that one. Okay. The second was McVitie's and then the last was Basic. So you got the Basic right. Right, yeah. It was much, much inferior. But you enjoyed the cheaper one. I enjoyed the cheaper one slightly more.

McVitie's was £1 and they were, I think, £80, maybe £75 for the Sainsbury's one. Similar price range. Similar, but if you count your pennies. I tell you what, maybe 75p for the Sainsbury's one. Similar price range. Similar, but if you're counting your pennies. I tell you what, that was the clearest one. The third one was just so dull compared to it. It felt like a facsimile. It really did. It was quite sawdusty.

Okay. Well, interestingly enough, you did also prefer that. So maybe if you're on a budget, Sainsbury's brand is fine. Might as well just go for Sainsbury's brand. Just go for it. So also, Asda brand and Tesco, I'm sure at some point we might try them as well at some point. But we can't say that they're as good because they do wildly vary. They do.

So we can't vouch for them right now. They do wildly vary. We'll come back to that at a later date when we run out of other ideas. Right. So the next one was Digestive. You said the first was McVvitty's and you preferred that and the second was sainsbury's i had a more sort of rough okay here the results are the first was sainsbury's again you preferred sainsbury's and the second was mcvitty's really yeah so

interestingly enough you were gone for sainsbury's both time and again same price difference digest was about a quid or so just you're just paying for the brand name then, it just seems. Apparently. I mean, maybe there's like, for instance, my dad's with baked beans. He will only eat Heinz baked beans. He will know if you use any other beans. He actually knows. Can he actually tell?

He can just tell. We gave him Daddy's, wasn't happy with it. Really? But Daddy's is awful. I mean, that's really, yeah. Anyway, that's why he only eats Heinz. I'd be interested now. I'm sure you could fool him with some of the own brand.

Maybe that's something I'll think about in the future. Fooling my dad with beans. What were you going on about? Give, have my old beans was the way. Giving her the beans. Giving her the old beans. Giving her the old beans. That is not, not going to catch up.

Not going to give my dad those beans. Don't give your dad the old beans. So again, if you're saving money, Sainsbury's is just as good. I could not tell the difference. I couldn't tell the difference. In fact, I thought the opposite. Okay, and finally, it was the Ginger Snaps. So you said the first was Sainsbury's and the second was McVitie's and you preferred the second.

Yeah. The answers were the first was McVitie's and the second was Sainsbury's, which is the one you preferred. Weird. Yeah. The answers were the first was McVitie's and the second was Sainsbury's, which is the one you preferred. Weird. Yeah. I much prefer Sainsbury's biscuits to... McVitie's? Very strange. Yeah.

They just seem to have more character. Interesting. The Sainsbury's ones. Because again, as I say, some people just only eat McVitie's because it's brand and I'm comfortable and cozy with that flavor. Whereas if you want to save a bit of money, you might... I think biscuits is a realm where you don't, you know. But then you get the really cheap ones, like the knock-off bourbons, and they're just awful, aren't they?

Nice, nasty. Just nothing to them. So we should do another edition of this where we do those kind of biscuits. Yeah. Bourbons, custard creams. I think maybe you could tell the difference there more. Nice biscuits. What are those milky ones?

It's like a milky biscuit. They're called nice, aren't they? Oh, they are nice. No, they're the ones milky ones? You know, it's like a milky biscuit. They're called nice. Oh, they are nice. No, they're the ones dipped in sugar. There's one that's got like a milky biscuit, isn't it? Yeah, malted milk. Yeah.

We should try. All right, that's our next port of call. So another classic biscuit edition. Very Britishy biscuit. Brisket is beef. Shut up. Shut up. Brought to you by Richard Brandoff. Yeah.

Who... Do you have any final words, Richard Brandoff? No, he's gone. Good. But, you know, he's insisted we play his little, his little, what do they call it when it's like a jingle, but it's even short, like, I'm loving it. Or it's a sting.

Well, that was Brandoff off, Brand, Brandoff today. And I think we'll all agree we were all a bit surprised. Okay. Oh, it's back in the platter to spin the wands. Oh, don't fucking do that when I'm doing an intro, you ugly man. Don't start this. You are ugly. No, I'm not.

I mean, you're handsome to some women. And those women probably have poor father figures.. No, I'm not. I mean, you're handsome to some women. And those women probably have poor father figures. They're blind. I'm so shit. I'm so fucking shit, mate. That's how you fizz, mate.

Oh, yeah. Come on, do it a decent... Come on, try and do an impression of me. Come on, try and do an impression of me. What have we got now, Paul? We're going back to the platter land. Is it platter splatter time? It's splatter platter tatter time.

I'm Eric McFatter, and here is Silverman's Splatter Platters, and I'm mad as a hatter. Fucking desperate. Crap, desperate, wank. Stop it. It's annoying, is it, when I do that, wank. Stop it. It's annoying, is it, when I do that? I've just discovered it, and it's like I've got a whole new lease of life. No, it's madness.

You doing that is fucking madness. We are now delving back into the platter land, and we've got some core, core-blimey, hot, juicy stingers for you today. We've got some hot, juicy, waxy spl the platter land and we've got some core core blimey hot juicy stingers for you today. We've got some hot juicy waxy splatter platters. Oh, it's going to get chunky up in this groove. Oh, spin it round until the waxy merits. Oh, I'm going to

lick your labia. Oh dear. Oh dear. Right, so let's begin. Oh, I'm so hot, Paul. I know you are, darling. Oh, dear. Right, so let's begin. I'm so hot, Paul. I know you are, darling. Take it off. Shut up.

No. Take it off. I'm boiling, though. Take it off, darling. Take what off? Your clothes, darling. It. Take them off, yeah.

They're plural. Take it off. It what? Take it all off. It all? Take it all off. At all? Take it all off. At least you're asking me nicely, properly now. Take it all off, my love.

Don't fool me. No. Don't fool me. To this, it's Steve Wright again. We've had him on the show in the past. He was a famous DJ in the 80s. Still is. He's still very successful on Radio 2 now.

He's not as famous as he was. Pretty much doing the exact same fucking shtick as he did back then. He's had a great career. He was a big man in the 80s. He was very big in the 80s. He's very big now. For a few years.

Right. He's ballooned, has he? Oh, I mean. He's like, I want to do right in the afternoon. Yeah? Yeah, that's what the radio show sounds like. Steve, right in the afternoon. I like. Steve Wright in the afternoon.

I'm walking on the train around the waves. Walking on the train. Right. So, but look, Paul, am I right in thinking he was actually quite hot in that sort of hot young DJ way? He was. It was a very cheesy thing. I mean, people like Kenny Eddard would have looked down at him.

Would have looked down at... To some extent. Because Steve Wright was... Quite populist. Yeah was quite populist. Yeah, very populist. And he also tried to borrow the American style where he had a crew in around him. Okay.

That was his thing. So he'd be like, look, I just said something weird. He didn't know. Bob the Barrel. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he did. What do you think, KT Secretary?

Oh, well, you know. Right, so it was a bit like Dream Show then. With us doing... With him doing all the characters. Right, don't pull the curtain back. Don't show him. So anyway, not only was a bit like Cheap Show then. With us doing... With him doing all the characters. Don't pull the curtain back. Don't show up. So anyway, not only was he a DJ with a slightly corny and cheesy style

with a gang that all chipped in and kind of riffed on each other. He also released songs. And we've released a few of them in the past on Cheap Show, On To Your Ears. Mr. Angry. And The Terminator. The Angry Rap and The Terminator one.

What was that? I'll Be Back. Arnie and the Schwarzeneggers. Was it called something like that? Some shit. Arnie and the angry rap and the terminator one what was that i'll be back arnie and the schwarzeneggers was it called something like that arnie and the terminators yeah yeah piss poor it was a cash-in but anyway i was in an ox and it was that that era of the uh of the arnold schwarzenegger impression where they didn't sound like arnold schwarzenegger no they sound like the impression of arnold schwarzenegger you know being because that's like when i do your eli yeah it's become very much more sophisticated like Arnold Schwarzenegger. No, they sound like the impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger. You know what I mean? It's like when I do your Eli. Yeah, it's become very much more sophisticated, the Schwarzenegger impression, over the years. Oh, it's...

Hasn't it? But back then, they just did a sort of generic German accent, and that was enough. Ja, I'm... Ja, I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now it would be... Talk to me.

Wouldn't it? You know what? I'm Arnold... Anyway. It sounds a bit like... But he's not coming back for another two episodes. Anyway, I was in Oxfam. Oh, what were you doing? Looking for stuff.

I found Def Leppard. We're getting all Scrammaramagey. I was getting all Scrammaramagey. And I got Hysteria in mint condition on vinyl. And it was two quid. You have literally mentioned that twice now. I fucking love it. Or three times during this whole episode.

I fucking love Hysteria. I've got the fucking picture discs sitting in the other room. Have you? Yes. I've got some lovely little picture discs in the other room. Shall we? Well, only if they're good. Oh, I'll be good.

Stop going on about your copy of Hysteria. It must be worth all of three quid no it was two it cost two yeah yeah it probably might be worth one pound more than that

I don't care I like this in very good condition it sounds great anyway this is Steve Wright in the afternoon with the Sisters of Soul

it's one of these hand drawn covers and the song is called Get Some Therapy and it sounds unfortunately like this. Well you may be sure, I've got the cure, I'm gonna teach you where it's at. There'll be no more pills or doctor's bills, you'll be cured in seconds flat!

You gotta get some therapy, ooh ooh ooh You gotta get some therapy, ooh ooh ooh Feel the pulse and feel the need, let your sight go into seat With therapy, therapy, therapy therapy therapy therapy therapy

I wonder how well that did because it's sort of I could find out but I don't want to bother he's not trying to be that comedic is he? He's almost like's not trying to be that comedic, is he? He's almost like he's trying to have a sort of legitimate pop hit with this. Because he tries to sing the beginning, and then he goes into that kind of vocal, just talky, talky bit.

But it's almost like it's supposed to be just a good tune. Well, it's like we were trying to figure out what the bass line was, and your flatmate Rogan said... It's nicked from Imagination. By... Odyssey? Odyssey, yeah. No, Illusion.

Just an illusion. Just an illusion. Do-ba-do-ba-do. imagination by Odyssey Odyssey yeah yeah no illusion just an illusion is that one anyway yeah I can see I can feel it in my head but the minute I try and get it out my mouth I

can't grab it I'm just gonna go check with him because we've totally forgotten I'm gonna don't tell me imagination is it yeah what's the

tune called what's the artist we don't know what we're talking about here Paul Okay Google We'll just set off a few phones around the country Don't get angry with it Imagination 80s pop

Here are the top search results The first is from Wikipedia Maybe it is just an illusion Here we go Is this the one it's like? I think it is actually I think that's what Yeah

This song's stealing I think it is Let's wait for the bassline Yeah It's that bassline I mean This is much better This is fucking awesome

Yeah But he's definitely going for that sound It's that bass line. I mean... This is much better. This is fucking awesome. But he's definitely going for that sound, even if it isn't a direct rip-off of that tune. He's definitely going for that sound. But it's piss, vinegar, piss, poor, wet. Kind of jazz funk. I guess you'd call it sound.

Weak. Popular then. It's weak. It's very weak. Anyway, we forgot to score things five out of ten. Well... Doesn't fucking matter so i found that and on the b side there are three tracks because it's a 12 inch which means it's an elongated version of that get some therapy track it's interminable it has two versions of that yeah it's got get some therapy which is all of side one then uh the first track on side two is more therapy it's basically it's basically like a

dub version yeah just that's all it is and then it's got i'm all white you're all white i'm all white and you're all right yeah it's a chas and dave knockoff it's a chas and dave knockoff but i'd forgotten that even existed and it's sort of in a little corner of my mind that i'd never been to and then all of a sudden like a drawer opens and something tumbles out it's like that like i just said fucking terrible it's fucking terrible terrible It's really annoying And actually, do you know what it does? It actually devalues, I think, how good Chas and Dave are Totally You can't go wrong You alright? I'm alright, you alright? Yeah, I'm alright, you alright? I'm alright, you alright?

I'm alright, you alright? Yeah, you alright? I'm alright, I'm alright? Everybody's asking, what's the scan? I just say, I'm not a well man Saw the doctor yesterday This is what he had to say I think you've got a dreadful cheek

I've seen you 14 times this week I've given you a routine check You're making me a nervous wreck I'm alright, you alright? Everyone's feeling making me a nervous wreck. I'm alright. You're alright. Everyone's feeling alright tonight. Now's the time to sing this song. If you're alright, you can't go wrong. We're alright.

We're alright. Everyone's having a ball tonight. Having a laugh and singing a song. If we're alright, we can't go wrong. You know what I mean? They have a reputation for being slightly cheesy. But they weren't. But they had some great songs.

Really good stuff. I always... What's that one I love so much? Come on, brain. Oh, fuck. That's going to annoy me. What's Leaving You? Yeah.

Ain't No Pleasing You. Ain't No Pleasing You. That's a wicked tune. Very heartfelt. It's kind of like a blues it has emotion yeah they were cockney blues

they were just so huge at the time yeah I think it was an oversaturation thing maybe and again they went on to do Rabbit was the eponymous one

that people kind of associate with which is what It's Alright is taking the piss it's trying to take the piss but it just manages to be a sort of sneery like the washboard song it's got a sort of sneery tone

yeah do you know what I mean Chas Davis shit Chas Davis shit it's all this in it it's all shit and it's like It just manages to be a sort of sneery. It's got a sort of sneery tone. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Chaz David shit. Chaz David shit. It's all this. In it. It's all shit. And it's like, actually, Steve.

He's taking the piss out of that kind of culture. And it's like, Steve, you know. You'd pray to have a fucking... That's my cigarette. I rolled that for me. Don't fucking do that. Well, light it then. We're recording.

It's very rude to smoke and record. This isn't like a 1970s American chat show. I wish it was sometimes. Let's smoke. Don't smoke, ladies and gentlemen, at home or in your car or listening on the bus. Kids, don't smoke. It's very bad. But we want to look cool.

I've got no light. Where's my lighter? So let's just imagine it's... It's all dusty in the house of pickles. So I've got no light. Where's my lighter? So let's just imagine it's... It's all dusty in the house of pickles. Ah, so... I've got one. Where's my washboard? I don't fucking know.

We had one before because you smoked it. It's gone. Let's keep discussing sticks. Right. Cunt. Yeah, basically that's what we're trying to say, isn't it? And the last one, Damien, I can't figure out. I cannot figure out what it's going on about at all.

So if anyone can help us... Because as you thought, it was going to be like a Damien-Omen thing, but it's not. I was sure, because that was the most famous... Omen was out years before, however. Yes, that's true. Omen was like 75, I believe. Something like that, yes.

And this is, what, 83? 83, yeah. So, it's still, it's the most famous instance of that name, Damien. And it seems to be about his name. It seems to be about that name. But it also seems to be like a piss take of the sort of trendy... It's like a con opera kind of thing. It seems to be a piss take of the trendy sort of new age sort of stuff that was around then. It mentions macrobaritism, which is the diet that my parents forced me to be a piss-take of the trendy sort of new age sort of stuff that was around then.

It mentions macrobatism, which is the diet that my parents forced me to be until I was five. Maybe that's what they're getting at. They're saying that this kind of person's a bit special, quote-unquote. So he's like a special kid that we're going to grow up with. It's sort of a dig at the hippies. It's hard to know. It's a weird song. I'm going to play a little bit of it in the show now. what was in her name. Oh, Damien,

you've only got your mother to blame. Hello, Vibers. The festive message from Great Britain's favourite social worker is don't overburden your body with corrupt foodstuffs. You'll pay very dearly and Retribution will pie you I come in No visit Oh, Damien

We used to wonder what was in a name Oh, Damien You've only got your mother to blame If you can figure that shit out, get in touch. Oh, Damien, you've only got your mother to blame. If you can figure that shit out, get in touch. I wouldn't put too much effort in. So that's my platter. Steve Wright, out the way.

Now, you've got two big hitters to end on, don't you, Silverman? Let's get serious. Let's start. You know I've got a fondness, Paul. All right, you have a fondness. I don't. That's just not cool. For sticking your dick into warm fruit. No, I don't that's just not cool For sticking your dick into warm fruit No I don't

Why not How about you don't fucking interrupt me Imagine drilling a melon hole Imagine drilling a melon hole A hole for a melon And And And

And And Right Having sex with it. Until emission. And drinking it. Drinking it. Yeah, drinking it. Down in Wob. Right. Good. We've got that out of the way then?

Yeah. All right. I have a fondness for Eurodisco, Paul. Eurodisco is a genre. It's known as cheesy. It's known as shit. But I really do like a lot of Eurodisco. Good.

And there have been examples of records I like, such as Amadeo. Oh, yeah. 33rd Floor. 33rd Floor. I love that. That's Eurodisco. LAX. Have we done Mission to Venus?

Yeah, that was in the Eurovision special we did. Mission to Venus. Which are called what? Convention. Silver Convention. Silver Convention. German. And we, of course, famously.

Famously. Who could forget? I couldn't. The Shingers Khan. Oh, I love that. No, it's shit. But the first wasn't very good. I liked it.

There's been examples of my fondness for Eurodisco over the years on this section of the show, Paul. It's been well documented, ladies and gentlemen. I've got another couple of stonkers for you tonight. Let's start with Androgynous Sound by Andro Singers. Interesting. On the cover, it's two bald... Is it mannequins or are they real people? I think they are mannequins, aren't they?

Two mannequins in a state of, I don't know, intimacy. They're about to give it, get it on. Mannequin on. And they're and get it on. Mannequin it on. And they're androgynous. Mannequin it on. Adaptive thought it through, it doesn't work. That doesn't work at all. Oh, dear.

Do you want to try it again? No. No, because there's nothing there. So let's play a bit of it right now. Anita, I'm thirsty. Do you want something to drink? Some orange juice? No way. You're much too gay. Aw, come on. Let's go.

Well, okay. If there's the androgynous sound we both can play. It's all about that. It's people who don't speak English as a first language trying to think of some kind of skit at the beginning. And it comes across like, hey, I'm thirsty. Oh, you're too gay. Yeah, what was all that about? I do not know. Let's go and do the Andromeda. It's just like that.

If I hadn't have played it, you wouldn't have known because they were identical, those two versions. So she's like, I'm sorry, you're too gay. Unsettling. At the beginning. And then it goes, it's got one of those disco beats. It's like... Isn't it?

You can just imagine some kind of dirty little mustachioed guy. Sort of going... Yeah. Thrusting in a corridor. Very much so. Going, oh, this is flock wallpaper.

What a rich character you've invented. Let's move on. I don't know if I like it. It was too weird. I like it. It was too weird. I like it.

Stop opening that. It's so hot and it's sweaty and it's dark and it feels weird right now. dark and it feels weird right now. Doing this show feels weird right now. Well, you insisted. I know.

We have to because my workload means we have to record these now. That's not the way it should be done, Paul. But we're still delivering quality content. I think everyone will agree. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think so. I tried to do something there and you just said, that's shit, let's move on.

We can't get like that. We can't get like that, Paul. You can. We can't just be like, oh, you're shit, we're an earthly podcast. We're real. That's the Andro Singers.

Yeah, anything? Anything else you want to add to it? I quite like it. All right, so what are we ending on today, Mr. La Silva Man? Now, this is another bit of Euro disco. Lovely. It's a theme.

It's a flip side of this record by the Saar Band. They're called Saar Band, S-A-R-R. S-A-R-R. Okay. The A side is Magic Mandrake. Quite a sort of straightforward, if a slightly campy disco number. Pretty good instrumentation. Then on the flip,

you have Mephisto. It's another word for the devil, Paul. It's... Listen to this. Mephisto! I want you, I want you I've got to have your soul No, I won't give you my soul

No, no, no, no, no I fucking love that that's a bit cheesy kind of rapey she says no she's saying no to the devil the whole way through and then at the end

she's like oh okay yes I know but it's a tricky one very different and he goes oh ho ho She says no. She's saying no to the devil the whole way through. And then at the end, she's like, oh, okay, yes. I know, but it's a tricky one. Very different sexual. Ha, ha, ha. Mephisto. Yeah, because that's how you get a woman to like you.

Mephisto. You just shout your name at them over and over. If you're Mephisto, that's what you do. Yeah, but you could go up to a lady and go, Eli. Eli. Ha, ha, ha. Mephisto. I'm running so fast.

I mean, yes. No, it's good. It's got a lot of... It's got a zesty spirit. It's because it's like... He's got a Dracula sense to him. He's trying to do a Dracula. He's luring ladies into their demise,

and then he gets their souls. And it also has quite a flagrant, synthesised, squelchy ejaculation noise on it, doesn't it? Yeah. Which is also a goer for me. It's always a goer. No, you know what?

That's what I'm in flavour country, ladies and gentlemen. Why are there so many thousands of records, especially of the disco genre, which have the sound of a woman having it off on them? Well, famously, Je T'aime. Yes. Oh, Je T'aime. Mo, mo, mo, mo, mo.

That wasn't a disco record, but that was, yes, that trend. Have you ever made love to Je T'aime? No. I did once accidentally make love to Up Je T'aime, though. The Frankie Howard one. Oh, I love that. Shall we listen to a bit of that now? Let's play a little bit of that right now. Over, not again. Do you know what time it is? It's half past three.

Mon amour. Oh, get off. Now, look, stop that. What on earth got into you? It's not Friday, is it? Oh, chérie. Oh, look, cut that out. Pull yourself together, woman. Control yourself. And get back on your own side. I've got to be on the first tee at half past six. Oh, je t'aime, je t'aime. Speak English, woman, whatever's the matter with you? Here, here, leave my scarf alone. Get your hands off. Look, if I go down and make you a cup of cocoa, will you go back to sleep? Que je t'aime, mon amour. All right, all right, but look, don you go back to sleep? Because you're tame when I'm old.

All right, all right. But look, don't go mad. I'm getting on a bit now, you know. Long story short, having sex with a lady, giving the old beans. Giving her the old beans. Hey, darling. Hey, darling. No, no, no, no.

Would you like the beans? I'll give you my old beans later. I'm a real fucking charmer. I'll give you my old beans later. I'm a real fucking charmer. I'll give you my old beans. Know what I mean? No, no one knows what you mean, Paul. I was having half hair on my jaw. I was having sex with her and my iTunes was on

and it was on random. This is part of your old stand-up routine. But it's true that it really happened. Except it was up to your 10. It came routine. No, it's true, but it's true that it really happened. Except it was up your tem. Right, it came on. Yeah, it came on. And then the Grange Hill theme. I also have a copy of that.

Hawks. What's it called? Hawks. Hawkshaw. Hawkshaw is the band. It was used in a few other things before. Wasn't it the theme for Give Us a Clue originally? Was it really?

Yeah, before it became Grange Hill. I might be wrong about that, but I think so. So you have a bit of that as well now? No, because I edit this fucking podcast.

No, you can't. So everyone knows what Grange Hill theme's like. If you don't, check it on YouTube, Grange Hill theme. It's great. Now, there are so many...

What gets me is you sit there and go, okay, what is this? This is great. You're a record producer. You're like, this is great. This record's sounding so hot.

Yeah. You know, it's got a great beat, funky beat. Yeah. The vocals are great. You know what it needs? You know what I think it needs? What does it need, buddy? It needs the sound of a lady having it off.

Oh, we can do that for you. What you got? What you got for me? Carol, come in here. Okay. Hi, Mrs. Bananas. Yay, Mrs. Bananas is back. Hi, Mrs. Bananas. Send it. I don't like the name,. I'm Mrs. Bananas. Yay, Mrs. Bananas is back. I'm Mrs. Bananas.

Send in, I don't like the name, but send in Mrs. Bananas. I'm Mrs. Bananas. Okay, now, thank you, Mrs. Bananas. If you'd like to step up to the mic here. Yes, I'm ready. Now, Mrs. Bananas, I want you to sound just like you're having it off. Hit me. I'm Mrs. Bananas.

It's good, it's good, but I need you to you know like you like you know I can't do it cuz I like it Oh mrs. bananas hey Johnny get this fucking bitch out of here mrs. bananas isn't working out mrs. bananas oh yeah Mrs Bananas I'm Mrs Bananas Oh you're the real Mrs Bananas I kinda like this Come suck it Jesus Christ Suck on my big bulbous labia

So What a Bond star podcast Fucking hell That was Mephisto I know a more famous Cumshot in a song you must know it Fucking hell Anyway That was Oh Mephisto Yeah Ah ha ha I know a more famous

Cumshot in a song You must know it What do you mean Cumshot What the actual Synthesised noise Of a splurter Yeah what's the most

Famous example of that Come on you must know Frankie Goes to Hollywood There you go relax Yeah but it's very similar To noise on this record Isn't it to that Isn't it

Sort of I'd love to Would you cum more If you did that sound? Or would you enjoy sex more? That's a very scientific question, Paul. Would you enjoy it more? If the noise of a synthesizer came out of your knob when you did it, would it make you do it more?

No, I've got my clipboard. Yes. Yeah. Of course it would. I'd be wanking all day. Literally, if everyone in the earshot could hear a huge sort of

squealing moog peel do you know what I mean that would be some shit that would be some Eli's listening to some 80s new romantic music again no

is that it for cheap is this it now are we done always end on a cum joke it's important it's a good hitter so Paul that was yes mephisto i like that a lot we give that four out of five i think oh yeah marking them but you didn't

like androgynous uh androgynous singers it was all right it's a bit of a curio but i couldn't get down on the dance floor to it no it wasn't so dancey well done that's that's it silverman's platter that is our lovely, big, bulbous platter. Good. Dun, dun, dun, dun,

dun, dun. There's been a moida. It's time for Gannon's Golden Games, everybody. It is time for Gon's Golden Games, everybody. It is time for Ganon's Golden Games. And this one I'm really excited about playing.

You really splashed out on this one. Well, you say that. And you also spent some money on it. Really? Right. So, I've become a bit of a game board nut. No, a board game nut. A gay board nut.

A game. You did this last time. Same joke. Did I? Yeah. Well, you mispron game. You did this last time. Same joke. Did I? Yeah. Well, you mispronounced it the same way last time. I didn't, though. Game boy.

I said the word game. Game boy. A game boy nut. You are a game boy nut, aren't you? As well as a board game nut. I like my game boys, yeah. You're a game boy nut as well as a board game nut. But I'm a board game nut in this instance.

Okay. I've amassed quite a collection of game boys. Board games recently. God. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've amassed quite a collection of Game Boys Board games recently Oh yeah Oh yeah My latest acquisition Again from the Salvation Army Is possibly my favourite yet It is a Cluedo

But not just any Cluedo Did they spread a bit of homophobia to you When you were buying the game? No they didn't Because they Yeah I know to you when you were buying the game? No, they didn't. Okay, good. Because they... Yeah, I know. Right, so... Wow, you really...

It's so sweaty. You're ruining... I'm so irritable. We're about to solve a murder. Okay. And it's important that we get in the zone. Because I've got a Cluedo here, but it's not any old Cluedo.

Now, I'm a huge Cluedo fan. Cluedo, known in the States as Clue. Yeah, because it was based on Ludo. Was it? Yeah, because it had a very similar layout to Ludo when you think about it. Ludo was a sort of logic game, was it? No, Ludo was just to get around the board. It's like frustration, can I move? Right. Yeah? Does that make more sense? Yeah.

So, it was Ludo with a murder mystery Clue, Clue, Ludo. Okay, so that's where the name came from. And America was just like, no, it was called Clue. They probably didn't have Ludo in the first place. I don't think maybe they did or certainly didn't call it that. Maybe it was just frustration. Just called Clue there.

Yeah. And famously made into a movie. I fucking love that film. Now that was a movie way before its time in terms of being based on something

that wasn't a novel or, you know, it was based on a game. It was a bit of a risk. You based it on a board game. It was based on Risk, was it? The game Risk.

I've really lost it, man. I've lost my capacity so it's a good film and if you haven't seen clue with tim curry and uh katherine ahara and mike mckean mckean and a fucking awesome cast heart heart leslie ann warren hartnell hartnell william hartnell from doctor who no who's that guy committed suicide a couple of years ago what do you mean who Hartnell. Hartnell? William Hartnell from Doctor Who? No. Who was that guy who committed suicide a couple of years ago? What? What do you mean, who? The guy off SNL who committed suicide a couple of years ago. Mate, do we have to talk about dark shit like that?

I'm just saying that he was in Clue, wasn't he? No! Are you sure? Yes. That guy was in Clue who committed suicide? What are you fucking talking about? I think I'll be borne out by the facts here, Paul. I mean, I'm happy to find out, but it's not a big cast.

Don't find out. Who is it? Which character did he play? Did he play one of them? No. Mike McKean, Tim Curry. Mike McKean's from Spinal Tap. Yeah.

Yeah, it wasn't him. No, it's not. And Christopher Lloyd's in it as well. He plays Mustard. Christopher Lloyd? No, it wasn't him. No, it's not. And Christopher Lloyd's in it as well. He plays Mustard. Christopher Lloyd? No, he plays Plum. And Catherine O'Hara. And the actress I can't remember the name of right now, but she was in Private Benjamin.

Madeline Kahn? No, Madeline Kahn isn't. She's dead. No. Anyway, I like Cluedo. And I've got a lot of versions of the game. I've got Junior Cluedo, Cluedo. I've got Super Challenge Cluedo.

Wow, what's Super Challenge Cluedo? Basically, every card, murder card, you know, because there's always a person, a place, Cluedo. I've got Super Challenge Cluedo. Wow, what's Super Challenge Cluedo? Basically, every card, murder card, because there's always a person, a place, and a weapon. That's the three things that we're trying to discover? Yeah. These were different in that each corner had a colour and a number. So you put it into a little slot, and you have to lift up the thing.

This was like a code-breaking game. Okay. So if you got zero, pink. Like Mastermind, remember that? Yeah, a little bit like that. Zero, pink, yellow, five. You'd go, oh, then I know that? Yeah, a little bit like that. Zero, Pink, Yellow, Five. You'd go, oh, then I know that's Colonel Mustard because that's the code for that card.

It's like Sudoku. It wasn't great, but I remember being quite fond of it. And then I got a deluxe version of Cluedo where it was posh and it came in a big box of drawers and things. Was that nice? Yeah. And I've been after this Cluedo for a while because it's hard to get out. What is this version of Cluedo that we're going to be playing today, Paul? It's called Cluedo SFX

or in America, Cluedo FX. Do you remember that film, FX? I do, with Brian Dennehy. Is he dead? Oh, I love it when Paul is literally discouraged. I just want to play Cluedo and this is cool. Well, fuck Cluedo. I don't know if I can follow the rules, Paul, because I'll tell you what, listener.

We had a little session where you tried to explain it to me before we started recording this bit, and bloody hell, I'm confused. It's not that hard to follow. I don't know what I'm doing. In Cluedo, you roll a dice. You've got to be in a room to look at the thing and do the thing and do the accusation, right? Get rid of all of that. You just jump to the rooms.

There's no dice rolling aspect. No. They've taken that out. Completely taken it out, which speeds the game up considerably. Yeah, because you just have to the rooms. There's no dice rolling aspect. No. They've taken that out. Completely taken it out, which speeds the game up considerably. Yeah, because you just have to... Like normal Cluedo, through elimination and deduction, you've got to figure out

what three cards are left in that little wallet. Yes. And that is the murder weapon, the place that was murdered, and the person who did it. The murderer. The murderer, right?

And you can only do that by the process of elimination, by looking at other players' cards and the hidden cards. Not deduction. Don't use deduction cards to some extent it's just eliminations no deduction

yeah but you could maybe go oh maybe you could have a guess could you yes like on guess who yes you could just go right I'm going to go out on a limb here

yeah before you've deducted them all take a big leap into the unknown and risk it all for glory yeah is that like something that people do yeah risk

whisk risk risk couldn't form a risk keep talking keep talking keep talking keep talking they said keep talking here's the idea cludo sfx is an elaborate version it's got a computer in it it says it's not quite that i am the computer the idea is is that you move your little character piece around these wonderfully little moulded figurines on little stands, to

different parts of the board. Quite well moulded. Yeah. And you can see pictures of this on our website. www.thecheapshow.co.uk Right? You move it straight to the room directly, you press it down on the symbol that represents that room, in this case, Horseshoe is the stable. You click it down, and then the little machine understands where you are, and goes Ah, you're in the barn you see mrs white if you see miss i'm

gonna actually hear that am i yeah because i've got a speaker on it all right yeah okay so activate it right i'm gonna just i need i've got these cards well wait we haven't started yet until you start and then you can look for your cards and delete them. All right? I want to just give it a quick breakdown. Once you go into the stable, in this instance... It's got a nice facade of the house. It's got a 3D house. It's got a 3D house. Simple to put together.

That hides the computer at the back. It's just behind the back. Ah, I see. Yeah, it hides a little software. It's quite snazzy, really. It's nice. So, you only play as four characters. Lord Grey, you're, what, Miss Scarlet or something like that.

I try as Miss Scarlet. And there's Miss Peach, and then Lord Raja or something like that. I try as Miss Scarlet. And there's Miss Peach and then Lord Raja or something daft. The blue Raja his character is. Anyway, so you're clean as a whistle. It will not be you.

You're on the case. But as usual, you've got to meet Professor Plum, Colonel Mustard. But it's got to be one that isn't either of us then. It can't be either of us.

We aren't represented in the other cards. How many characters are there? Four in all. So it's a maximum of four players in this game. But then if it's, if we've got four players, then who's going to murder?

It can't be any of them. One of these guys. It's either Reverend Green, Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, Miss Scarlet, Miss Peacock, Rusty, the gardener, Miss Meadowbrook, a new character, and Mrs. White. One of these are the murderer, right? And they're hiding around the house

and you won't know where they are until you land on that part of the room and activate it. If it says Mrs. White's Okay. One of these are the murderer, right? Right. And they're hiding around the house and you won't know where they are until you land on that part of the room and activate it. Okay. If it says Mrs. White's in that room, you can look in her card, look at her clue in the wallet and then cross it off.

Yeah? Look in her wallet. Try to fucking explain the rules. Yeah, I got it. Then, before your go ends, you can do one of two things. You can either ask me, like normal Cluedo,

do you have Mrs. White in the kitchen? Do you have Mrs. White in the kitchen? With the wheelbarrow. With the wheelbarrow? And if I have one, I'll show you you have Mrs. White in the kitchen with the wheelbarrow? With the wheelbarrow. And if I have one, I'll show you it. Is the wheelbarrow actually one of them? No.

No. You're confusing me now. Just shut up. Right? Or if you don't want to ask me, you can press the search button on the computer. Press the search button on the computer. And it will tell you if anyone's lurking or there's another clue. What would it say?

They're lurking. Yeah. And there's another clue. Yeah. And there's lots of characters in this. They're all voiced. And there's actors. It's would it say? They're lurking. Yeah. And there's another clue. Yeah. And there's lots of characters in this. They're all voiced. And there's actors. It's great.

Tick these off. Let's tick off our cards first and then we'll activate the computer, yeah? All right. So, all right, let me just see how I'm getting on because the case is afoot. I mustn't show you, though.

No, I can't know because otherwise I'll just find out what you've got then what I've got and then I know what's left. So when it's got people, I just tick it off on the suspects? Yeah, completely cross it off. The whole row? Just the name, because you might meet them in the game, right?

Just cross off the name? Yeah, because you know it's not that person. What? I don't understand why you don't get this. I don't get it. I'm crossing off the name. Then why are there all those tick boxes next to it? Because there you can tick them off if you go into the garden and meet Professor Plum and you look

at his card and it says you can tick it off because you've seen him. Yeah, but what if I've already crossed him off? Let's just do it bit by bit, right? Fuck me. Have you never played Cluedo? I did, but it must have been about five or something. So what if it's a place? Just tick the whole place off. Just cross it off.

You can go there in the game, but you know it's not that thing. Okay. Right? Fucking unbelievable. Seriously. I've got it now. I'm doing it. Yeah, but I've never...

I'm crossing them all off. Prick. Right. I've crossed all mine off, and I've got a nice little sweep. Oh, I'm all crossed off. Right. So you've agreed you're going to start off and you are going to be, I think it's Mrs Scarlet.

Mrs Scarlet. And I'm Lord Grey. And we'll get to the detective as he enters the game later but that'll be important. He'll come in later. Are we ready to begin the murder? Quick, quick, quick. Just don't ruin this for me. What do you mean I'm ruining it? I'm not ruining anything.

I'm enjoying board game time And you're going to ruin it I'm enjoying board game time too Paul Are you ready to start the game? Fuck me You ready? Yes I'm ready The case is afoot Welcome to Tudor Mansion.

Is Lady Lavender... Can I press it, please? Yeah, press the button. Lady Lavender. Glad you could join us. I'm delighted, I'm sure. Welcome to Tudor Mansion. Please place your characters on their start space.

We've done that. They're on their start space. They're on their start space. We've done that. They're on their start space. They're on their start space. Don't break your turn. My turn. Here we go. I'm going to go. Where shall I go?

Where shall I fucking go? Oh. You just decide somewhere you go. Yeah, you just go straight there. You wouldn't want to go where you've crossed off. You can, because you can still meet a person there who might be there. I'm going to start off in Tudor Manor. I'm going to start here.

And you take your little figurine and you place it on the little symbol that says Tudor Manor I'm going to start here and you take your little figure and you place it on the little symbol that says Tudor Manor and then press it down Lord there are no suspects at Tudor Mansion fuck so

I don't get to look at a clue card because there's no one in that room but I can ask you for one of yours right so I accuse do you have Colonel Mustard

with the horseshoe in Tudor Mansion if you have any of those cards show me one I have to Do you have Colonel Mustard with the horseshoe in Tudor Mansion? If you have any of those cards, show me one. I have to show you one if I have any. If you have any of those three. If I had all three, I would only have to show you one. Yeah. Say it again.

I am Lord Grey and I would like to know if you, Lady Lavender, have Colonel Mustard with the horseshoe into the manor. Do you, do you, do you? Is your accuse? I'll spread my legs and show you. Oh, madam. Colonel Mustard. Oh, I guess we can tell each other because there's only two of us playing.

Yeah, that's fine. All right, good. Just getting sure. It's all good. Oh, you meant to just slip it across? Well, in case there was more players you'd want to keep it. I'd slip it to you down a peak. Keep it low on the low bow.

Keep it down on the down low. Keep it down low. Keep it on the QT QT. QT on the down low. I like that. Yeah. I'll just coin that. Yeah. Keep it on the QT QT. Oh. Anyway so if there's more players you wouldn't want them to know that card. Alright. Yes. Right so I now press done

which is the biggest one at the end because the computer layout is like little hedges. It's nice isn't it? Lady Levenson. Where do you want to's nice isn't it Where do you want to go Where do you want to go It is there Just press it down there I'll let you do it Come on darling

Here I come I'm just getting my swimming cosy on Because I'm going to the swimming pool Will you shut up Stop fucking bossing me around. Lady Lavender, please move. Press it down. Oh, he got pushy.

There are no suspects at the swimming pool. No one's here either. So you can either search, or you can accuse me like I just did you. If you search, it will see if there's anyone else around or coming into the room. I would like to accuse you. Oh, he's accusing me. In your character. Of would like to accuse you. Oh, he's accusing me. In your character. Of having...

I accuse you of having Professor Plum in the boathouse with a horseshoe. Oh. Show me. What can I show you? Oh, would you like me to show you this, Lady Lavender? I'll show you my Plum, Lady Lavender. Oh, it's a very... Professor Pl this, Lady Lavender? I'll show you my plum, Lady Lavender. Ooh, it's a very... It's a plum, Lady Lavender.

I'm crossing him off then, am I? Yeah, you can cross him off. That's what I do, is it? Right. Now it's time for me to move to another part of the house. No, you have to press done. I have to press done. Lord Grey, your turn.

All right. I'm going to go to the stable. Oh, it's horsey. Oh! So I've seen Mrs. Peacock. So now I look at Mrs. Peacock. No. Why don't I cross off?

I don't see. Because you can't see inside her wallet. I'm looking inside her wallet for the clue now. So I know. Right. So, know. Right? So. Oh. Interesting development.

Interesting development. All right. But I can see that clue if I land and get her there. Yeah. All right. Yeah. All right. But only if you go into the same room with her.

Is it my go now? No. Press down. I get to do search. I'm going to search the grounds. You search and find Colonel Mustard. So now I can look at Mustard searching for something. What?

Who do you think you're speaking to? So now Rusty has entered the swimming pool. Who? Rusty's in the swimming pool now. Rusty's in the swimming pool. So now you know. No, it's not. I haven't looked at my fucking card yet. Can I cross Rusty off then? I don't understand.

Why do I know he's in the swimming pool? I'll go there. You can meet him. I can look at his card there, can't I? Yeah. All right, got it. I've just forgotten what I fucking looked at now because you're wittering on.

No, you only get to look once. Press down. Lady Lavender, please move. Please move, Lady Lavender. What did he say? Where was Rusty? In the swimming pool. You can stay there if you want.

Just press down. Lady Lavender, you must move to a new... Oh, you have to move, I guess. Gatehouse. You see Miss Scarlet at the gatehouse. Oh, so now you can look... So now you can look at Miss Scarlet's butt thing. Boppity bop.

You can look at her little flap. You can look at Scarlet's flap. I'm opening her flap up Right flaps I can have a biscuit Okay And I put that back in yeah Yeah

And I can cross off Whatever I saw in there Just hit myself Getting a biscuit How How did you hit yourself I pulled a muscle Oh dearie me

I did a twisting. Did you? That's a cheap show injury. Do you want to accuse me now? Or do you want to search the ground? I would like to accuse you. I won't. Here we go.

I think it was rusty. Yeah. With a water bucket. Yeah. In the garden. All right. Let's see if I've got any of those then for you, love. Rusty. Yeah. Rusty garden. With a water. In the garden. All right, let's see if I've got any of those then for you, love. Rusty.

Yeah, rusty garden. With a water bucket in the garden. Rusty water bucket garden. Rusty water bucket garden. The garden was shown, ladies and gentlemen, for those who wish to know. Play along at home. Who can play along at home. As if.

Stop eating biscuits. It's like bored party time. All right, it's party time. I'd like a piece of cheese. You press done now. Alright.

Mrs. Peacock has left the stable. Bye, bye. She's left the stable. Lord Grey, your turn.

You see Mrs. Meadowbrook at the tennis court. Oh, so now you can... Hey, I've been dying to meet you. You can now look at Miss Meadowbrook's car. Oh, yeah. There you go, love. Oh, yeah. Have a little look in there, mate.

I'm having a little look in Meadowbrook's. What secret's she holding? I'm not telling you, mate. What secret's she holding? The old bag. The old temptress. The old bag, the old temptress? Yeah.

A lover, a mother, a sister, your brother. Everyone's got to be an AKA lover. Let's get ready to rumble. Oh, no. Let's get ready to rumble. Let's not get ready to rumble. Let's get rumble. So, now you can ask me or search the grounds.

What are you going to do? You might meet another person. That'd be good for you, wouldn't it? I'll search the ground Go on, search You search and find Mrs White poking around in the hedges

Oh, don't be sneaking up on people Oh The inspector has just arrived The inspector's arrived, Paul At the swimming pool. Evening, ladies and gentlemen. I will be thoroughly searching the grounds. Please find me if you have any clues

regarding the Meadowbrook mystery. So we've got to find him when we're ready to accuse... When we're ready to... Anyway. It's a pleasure making your acquaintance. You fucking idiot. Right, where am I going? I'm going to go to the gazebo just over the way. Fuck.

I can still accuse you, though. Go on, then. Fucking worthless hag-shag. Hag-shag? Hag-shag on then. Fucking worthless hag-shag. Hag-shag? Hag-shag. You're a dirty hag-shag, you're a hag. And I'm going to put you over my knee and give you dirty little spanks. One, two, three, four, five, I'm going to go.

One, two, three, four, five, I'm going to say, No, mummy, I didn't mean to bully the Johnson twins. And I'll say, Oh, you're going to bring disrepute onto the family. And then... Disrepute. Right. That didn't work.

Did you? Have you got Miss Scarlet? No. With the tennis racket? No. In the gazebo? No. Oh, that's a shocker, isn't it?

Right, done. Lady Lavender, your turn. Your go. All right, then. Where do you want to move to? Where's the hedge? It's here, isn't it? Can I go there?

No. Well, I saw someone up in the hedges, didn't I? No, don't go off book. Just stay on. Let's move to the board. Go to the manor. There's a hedge there. That's the garden.

Go to the garden. Go to the garden. There are no suspects at the garden now you can search though if you want or you can accuse me you might accuse you please oh he's doing it he's accusing me a lord how dare you miss meadowbrook yeah the horseshoe. And the tennis courts. Miss Meadowbrook. Horseshoe, tennis courts. Let's have a look. No, I don't have them. But do one of the...

Who are these cunts called? I don't know. Suspects. Do the suspects maybe have them? Oh, you speak so well. I speak dead eloquent, me. What? What's going on?

I can't remember what I'm doing. What did I just do? No, you accuse me, so you have to press done. I do it. Inspector Brown has entered the garden, ain't it all? No, Ray, you are true. When I won't have a shit, I say that. Inspector Brown has entered the garden.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. There we go. What's the skill in this? Meet Professor Plum at the tennis course on the good day. I keep meeting Professor fucking Plum. Fuck off.

Rusty! I'll sneak up on you, Rusty. I tell you what. We'll do a few more minutes of this. Maybe five more minutes. And then we both have to make a final accusation yeah? and whoever gets it most right wins because otherwise it could go on for fucking ever

right you've looked into both what do you want to do? search or accuse? no crime doesn't wait for people crime doesn't wait at people. Crime doesn't wait at all. Crime lurks. Crime runs. You made me forget what was in there.

I wasn't allowed to look again. You fucking said I couldn't look again. You only get to look once, you said. All right, I'm not looking again. Mate, crime is fucking serious. And I've got stakes in this. You've got stakes? If I don't solve this case, I'll get busted down to traffic cop.

Do you want that? What's my wife going to worry about? My little Tim want that? What's my wife going to worry about? My little Timmy kids. What's your wife going to worry about? My little Timmy kids. When Grandad comes home without a job. Paul, you need to be able to speak better to keep all this off. Ow!

Stop. Seriously. I'm excited about the murder mystery. Right, what are you going to do? You crossed him off. You see Miss Scarlet at Tudor Mansion. Why do you see someone at Tudor Mansion? Everyone likes you and no one likes Lord Grey.

They avoid him. Do you want to search your queues? Can I just have a guess at who it is? All right, then I have to then. All right. Who do you think it is? Let me just write mine down first.

Okay. I think it's Rusty. Yeah. With the hammer in the stable. Okay. I think it's Reverend Green with the water bucket

in the stable. Shall we now reveal who it is? Yes, because we need to wrap this up. Yeah. Well, it's been a thrilling case. I'm going to pull them out one at a time. You read them out, okay? Yeah.

First card is... The water bucket. Water bucket. Did we either of us say that? You did. Oh, okay. One point for me. Did you say it? No,. Oh, okay. One point for me. Did you say it?

No, I said the hammer. Okay. Next card is... Miss Scarlet. Oh, so a point for you. I said that. Mate, so it all rests on this last card. Where was it?

It was in the stable. It was in the stable? Which is what I said. It's two apiece. We drew. Okay. We're both crime fighters. Well done, Paul.

Mate. Yeah, we solved a crime. That's awful. We drew. Okay. We're both crime fighters. Well done, Paul. Mate. Yeah, we solved a crime. I've got it. That's awful. That game is awful. We solved a crime. I hate that game. Why do you hate it? We solved a crime. It's not for doing it. It's just crossing shit off and listening to that really annoying. Lord Grey, your turn. No, it's not your turn. Quite a clever mechanism though, I have to say that. Can we stop now?

You search and find no one. I solved a crime today. You didn't. I'm happy about it. I have to say that. Can we stop now? You search and find no one. I solved a crime today. You didn't. I made a real difference in the community and I think I should have picked Miss Scarlet and I would have won. So I think I won that.

Well I'm going to go home and have sex with my wife. Get out in that kitchen and rattle those pots and pans Get out in that kitchen and rattle those pots and pans Well, roll my breakfast, cause I'm a hungry man I said shake, rattle and roll I said shake, rattle and roll. I said shake, rattle and roll. I said shake, rattle and roll. I said shake, rattle and roll. Well, you'll never do nothing to save your dog or your soul.

Well, I won't be playing that again. Right, well then, that was Cheap Show for another episode. A bit quieter show today, I think. But it's late night in the House of Pickles. And it's a little bit saucy and a little bit sexy, but you know what? A little bit sweaty. A little bit sweaty too. Not as sexy as you'd think. But thank you for listening to us on another late night electric blue Cheap Show.

Hot stuff. Meow. If you want to support us on Patreon Why not go to patreon.com forward slash CheapShow Yeah baby We love you Come on honey boy

Child Take you around the world Yeah come on honey Take you around my manor Take you to LAX Take you to my manor house Heathrow I'll plunge you in my pool

Gay Paris I'll take you all there I'll take you to the garden I'll prune your Bush You can check out some sexy pictures and videos that accompany this episode. I'll take you to the stable. And fillet your horse.

Christ. Christ. You can... I know. I was going to be sexy. You can go to thecheapshow.co.uk and see some sexy sensual videos and pictures that accompany this episode. Oh, yeah. On Twitter.

Why? We're at thecheapshow pod. I'm at Paul Gannon Show and Eli is... E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. That's at Eli Snowy, ladies and gentlemen. Email us anything you want. Thecheapshow at gmail.com. If you come into the live show in October, bring your tat

and your food. We'd love it. We're on Reddit, we're on Tumblr, and we're on facebook look for cheap show you'll either find us or some weird garage band there's a band called cheap show okay there you go it's a small world only so many names the fucking universe there are apples that's a name that's a name um it's late i'm gonna go to bed now you go this is our beddy buys night time quiet night then paul so we're this is gonna sign off as like nate late night late night telly box I'm going to go to bed now. This is our beddy-byes night time. Shh, quiet. Night then, Paul. So this is going to sign off as late night telly box.

Telly box? Yeah, like before the TV went off for the night. We used to go off at like one in the morning. So you've been listening to Cheap Show again. We're signing off now, but we hope you have a pleasant evening and have a delightful morning. And so thank you very much and sleep well that's goodnight from all of us here

at Sheepshow, goodnight, God bless and now the National Anthem Goodnight do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do