CheapShow - Ep 94: 24p

Episode Date: September 21, 2018

The following episode takes place between 8pm and 9pm on Thursday, 20th September 2018. The episode has been released in "real time" so you can witness the events unfold. Some may find it shocking. You have been warned! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow @elisnoid & @Ashfrith If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

The following podcast takes place between 8pm and 9pm on the 20th of September, 2018. It's a fact of cheap so you're gonna have to fucking reset. Moodle time. Tales from the dance floor. Giggiggiggigoo. How's the big guy? The price of chives? It's a tour gun and take a look. Eli Silver.

Welcome to Cheap Show. They're not going on nuzzle. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. It's the economy comedy podcast for your ears. It's another show about two white blokes talking shit. How are we? How are we? How are we? I am going to do the whole episode.

Are you going to do it like that then? I will do it like this. I will do it like that too. No, you won't do it. I will do it. I won't do it. I won't do it all bad. Why are you all getting racist with your boy? I won't, I won't, I won't do it. I won't do it. It's not bad. Why are you all getting racist with your boy?

I won't. I won't. I won't. Fuck off. Right. Well, that got tied very quickly. Welcome to Cheap Show. It's the economy comedy podcast for your ears.

I'm Paul Gannon. You just said that. Yeah, but it's so important. Are you that desperate for content? You are, aren't you? I'm Paul Gannon. Do you know what you should say? You should say every word twice

just to extend it should I should I yes yes alright then alright then you you should should Eli Eli

is is a cunt cunt cunt cunt I said it twice and then I repeated that so it was four times man we're really filling time up aren't we shut up anyway it's the comedy comedy podcast

you've said that three times where we go through the bargain bins charity shops the uh Poundlands of Great Britain, and bring you tat back to chat. Poundland is a trademark. Great. Can't say that. All right, then I won't.

Pound shops. Pound shops. Happy? What else do we go through? Bargain bins, charity shops. No, you may go through knickers. Do you root through the knicker box? What knicker box? Do you know there through knickers. Do you root through the knicker box? What knicker box?

Do you know there's a charity shop near me? Called the knicker box? No. Which is just knickers? No. Tell me more. There's a charity shop near me, or was near me in Cambridge. You know what?

I'm getting a fucking huge rush of this energy drink. Eli found a year-old energy drink in his, just behind the mound of saucers. I did manage to decipher the best before. Yeah. And it's... It went off in February of this year. Yeah. That's all right.

I don't know. That's all right. Am I going to have to give you a stomachful? I'm feeling a... Already? I'm feeling a centeredness. A centeredness. A centeredness and a perspicacity

A perspicacity Yes What's that mean? I think it means you are good with words I'm feeling a perspicacity Yeah well that proves nothing And it tastes a bit off You've got something to say?

No it's just why are you bringing up any I know why you're so desperate There's a charity shop near yours It's got knickers in it It's got a box full of underwear Now it's all been donated There's a charity shop near yours that's got knickers in it. Tell me more. It's got a box full of underwear. Now, it's all been donated. Ooh.

It's all been donated. Right, so that means all the people have had little photos. Do they leave a photo? What, pinned to each pair of pants? I'm Edna, and these are my knickers. I shat in these twice, but my pills weren't working. One star. Whoa, okay.

Hello. These underpants belong to Barry. I always call him Barry. I thought it was the name Barry. You've got a limited space for anything creative in your head. A mind dysfunctional liver has stained these for good. Now they're in a charity shop for you. I don't understand. Are you telling me for real? There's a box of underpants in that charity shop and I was I don't understand. Are you telling me for real?

There's a box of underpants in that charity shop. And I was like, is that? You're not meant to donate pants, underpants, are you? No, that's taboo. It's not even taboo. It's just dirty. They don't accept them. Can you ever happily wear a pair of underpants that you know,

that you willingly know has been worn? A stranger has worn. A stranger has worn already. Have they gusset all in? Putting all jokes about how perverted I am aside for a second. Let's do it. No. Exactly. Absolutely not.

So. Yes. I couldn't. But putting those jokes back on. Yeah, tell me more. Fucking wank off. Wow. One star.

So, that's our new running joke. So, it's just a regular episode. We haven't done an episode like this. It's a regular episode. You know what I mean? It's just like, last time was the car boot sale. Yes so it's just a regular episode we haven't done an episode like this it's a regular episode you know what I mean it's just like last time was the car boot sale it's been a while I was robbed

no I was robbed you were what's the word shit you were gash you were poor

you put no effort in you panicked you can tell on your audio how much you panicked and also let me just bring you up on something what are you going to bring out

this whole thing about pulling his fucking ukulele jinga jinga all the little digs that you gave ash about me yeah and he goes paul used to wear this fucking annoying ghostbusters enamel badge yeah that was a 1984 original mate just so you fucking know was it yeah it's gone and i lost that one i had to buy a replacement off a ebay not a bay which is a different one altogether a bay i'll show you my little pin. Yeah. My Fernet Branca pin. Yeah.

That was given to me. That's quite nice, isn't it? Yeah, I might mention that again in the podcast because obviously we lost that footage where you talk about it. That's why I brought it up now. Well, I've got a pin. You can see a photo of it on our website, everybody.

Yeah, I'll put a picture up. It's a lovely pin, don't get me wrong. And yes, I do like enamel pins. And it's talking with pins. Do you know the reason why I don't wear them? It's because I was rinsed at Edinburgh by...

A shower? It was that fucking guy who was like, hello! The stand-up, Mike McIntyre. Michael McIntyre. Right.

I was sitting on the front seat and I had my blazer on. This is back in the mid-2000s when I was doing some sketch show or improv show. Yeah. And I had my lapel full of badges,

enamel badges. Okay. Loads of them. And he basically went, looked at me in the audience and went, you're a cunt, aren't you, for having badges. And I was like, oh no. Mr. McIntyre. Was this before he was big?

Just before he broke. Right. But he was still completely in charge of that. How did he build a career that I think is so unlikable, especially to other comedians? Because I saw him once. Yeah. And he was just, he was emceeing. And he just,

you're ice cream fans here. Morkman-wise reference, if you can hear the fire engine in the background. And he was just like, just a bit arsey. Anyway, the point is, he put down every single act.

He came back on when that was shit. Here, give me your jacket, I'll tell you what car you drive. Hello! Yeah. Well came back on when that was shit. Here, give me your jacket. I'll tell you what car you drive. Hello. Yeah. It's a nightmare. Yeah.

He rinsed you out and you thought, oh. That really upset me to the point where it's like, oh, I'm never going to wear these lapel badges again. So you want to know why I don't wear them? I love them. I still have a collection. But I felt like a right nana thanks to him. And it broke my heart. And look where you are now.

I actually ended up apologising to him. I'm my heart and look where you are now I actually end up apologising to him I'm sorry Mr McIntyre I have pins and then he felt sorry for me and agreed to buy soup are you joking? no that's what he said

he said oh I think oh you're so sad now I should buy you some soup to say sorry I think that was it something like that at that point

I was already dead inside it was gone whatever last love of comedy and joyous community within the industry he can kill that he can kill the joy in people

fucking like a ninja he went ah right so is that the noise that ninjas make I thought they were silent not when they strike

yeah no especially when they strike really yeah because you've got to kill one person how do you know what if you fucking

you're laying siege To a warlord's Wooden You should be quiet Alright, I give you that And you kill the first one They're like, oh, there's a ninja in the garden True

Kill the ninja Kill the ninja Oh shit, should have gone Like a twat Yeah, should have kept Yeah That's all you hear what is everyone dying around here

it must be the ninja yes anyway so there we go talking of pin badges yes we've got some coming out don't we and we're not going to say that

in this podcast oh I forgot to mention it but yeah if you come to the live show, which I presume some of you are, because we sold out both shows, providing nothing fucks up with delivery, we are going to have our first piece of merch on sale, which will be Cheap Show enamel badges.

Ooh. Are you going to send one to Mr. McIntyre? No, he can... With a shit? A human shit? No, I'm going to wait until I see... Maybe send a human shit in a can? I'm going to... What's going to happen is... And he opens it...

Oh, I love the smell of the human shit in a can. What's going to happen is... I love the smell of the human shit. No. I'm going to wait until I see him at some kind of event. We're mingling. All right, Mike, remember when you broke my soul at that Edinburgh show? Remember that? I've got an enamel badge now. And he'll be like, hello.

It's a nightmare. And then I'll fucking force him down and pull his pants down and then take the protector off the pin of the badge and put it right in his fucking sphincter. Just put it right in the butthole. Put the badge right in. Right in. Right in.

Deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper, until my wrist pops through. And then I fist him. And I'll leave the badge in there and pull it out. And he'll be like, oh, it's a nightmare. And I'll be like, make a five-minute set out of that for your cosy comedy show, you cunt. Right.

Ooh. Okay. Although, obviously, if you are listening to Michael McIntyre and you have got a spot that you like with the Apollo, we're available. Yes. You'd lick the available set, wouldn't you? You'd do that. I'd lick what?

You'd lick someone. I'd lick Michael McIntyre's bumhole. You know, yeah. For a gig. Yeah. Yeah, you would. Yeah. Yeah, would you? I'd do it for nothing. No, gig. Yeah. Yeah, you would. Yeah. Yeah, would you?

I'd do it for nothing. No, you wouldn't. No, you wouldn't at all. Anyway. Hello. Sorry. Right. Sorry.

No, you can apologise all you like. Can we crack on with the show, please? Because we've got a lot of things coming up. What have we got coming up in the show, Paul? We have cheap eats, as ever. I have some special cheap eats brought to me, fresh from the States. It's becoming a bit of a thing, isn't it? It's becoming a bit of a thing, isn't it?

American cheap eats. Yippee-yi-yay. Mocha Fokker. Mocha Fokker. And then we've got a really nice Price of Shite today. Oh, okay.

So I will get our bows. Are we going back to this classic format? Classic format. None of this business. We're not going to keep it. We've pushed the boat out too far. No, mate.

We've broken the format. We need to rein it in. Keep it simple. Back to sturdy basics. I tell you what, that energy drink. Woo, woo, woo. I kind of regret. It tastes like fucking cat's piss.

Right. I feel slightly caffeinated. Yeah. Good. That was fast acting. In fact, that's the fastest acting you've ever done in your life. I can do fast acting.

Go on then. Ah, and that's probably Oric. I knew him well. Yeah, you can. Yeah. All right. So yeah, that's what we've got coming up on the show today.

Lots of lovely, lovely features, I think you'll agree. So yeah, it's going to be very exciting. What else? No. What else have I got? No, I'm not saying I don't know what else. Do I have something else? You've got fucking nothing, as per usual.

Do I have something else? You have nothing going on. I do have something. You are a... I've got a Tales from the Dance Floor. Have you got a Tales from the Dance Floor? Yes. Yes, I do.

Oh, good. Someone came up to me and went... Hang on. What's that? It's my phone. Mate. Hang on, hang on. Hang on.

It's a pro... Hello? Hello? This is beyond unprofessional. Sorry, I should have turned it off, but it's a private number. I might need it. Hello?

What do you mean you should... What the fuck, Paul? Bear with me. One second. I'll cut a private number. I might need it. Hello? What do you mean you should have? What the fuck, Paul? Bear with me. One second. I'll cut it out. I'll cut it out. Hello? Hello?

Hello there. All right, mate. Who's this? I'm your biggest fan. All right. Okay, cool. No, who is this, though? Is this Joe?

I am a super fan. Right. Okay, lovely. Is this Joe? I am a super fan. Right. Okay, lovely. Is this Joe or Ash having a fuck about? I can't find the fucking number. Eli, do you recognise that number? No. I thought you said it was a private number.

Well, who is it? Hang on. All right, who is it? Never mind. Just do the show and make it a good one. Or one of you will die. Fuck off, mate. You what?

One of you will die. I jokest not. All right, mate. Okay, fair enough. One of you will die. Mate, I'm going to hang up. Within an hour. Just so you know.

Do the show and make it a burner. Or what? One of us dies. One of you will die. How? Alright, okay. Alright. Prove... What's going on? Someone on this phone... Hang on. Someone on this phone

says, unless we entertain them, they're gonna kill one of us. Well, that's bullshit. I don't... Yeah, I know. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. It's some dickhead.

Listen, man, you shouldn't put the... I don't know how... Mate, wait, wait. One sec, one sec. You shouldn't give your number out. One sec, one sec. Mate, are you still there, mate?

Don't you believe me? Don't you believe me about what? One of you will die. Yeah, no, mate. You've made it abundantly clear I just want to know if this is a joke or not If you don't please me Yeah

With comedy Right One of you Yeah Within an hour Right Will die Okay

And what? How are you going to prove that to me? You don't believe me? No, it's a bit fucking rich to call out a stranger You don't believe me? No, a stranger calls me fucking rich to call out a stranger. You don't believe me? No, a stranger calls me, my mate, in the middle of a podcast recording and says, oh, one of you is going to die unless you make me laugh. Well, that's fucked for a start.

So how are we going to know your word's good, your threat's genuine, eh? I'll tell you right now. I'm sending you a video. Oh, hang on. I just had a message. One sec. It's from Ash. But why...

Why are we doing the... Fucking recording the show? I don't know. Maybe this is Ash fucking about, actually. It must be. Hang on. He sent a... I don't have time.

He sent a little video. Hang on. One sec. Let me open it up. Fucking around with shit. Let me open it up. You already... What?

He beat me at the fucking car boot challenge. Yeah, this is probably him fucking sticking the knife in for that. I don't need it. All right. I don't need it. Let me just... Let me just? He beat me at the fucking car boot challenge. Yeah, this is probably him fucking sticking the knife in for that. I don't need it. All right, let me just, let me just play. You know what? I'm happy.

I've got a glass suite. Fucking pathetic wank. Let me play this video. Now, here we go. Watch this. How did you get in here? I don't know anything. I go on the show sometimes.

I'm not really, I'm certainly not a host despite what Paul said in that article. I just come along. I don on the show sometimes. I'm not really... I'm certainly not a host, despite what Paul said in that article. I just come along. You know what? I don't listen to it at all, actually. I don't really... I don't even like Paul and Eli. I think they're idiots.

Wait. It's you. What are you doing? No. Don't. Don't do that. Don't do that. No! Jesus fucking Christ! Is that real? It's weird. The video just ended with him being shot in the face.

Hello? Hello? Is this a sick joke? Is this you, Ash? You didn't see? We didn't see. We just saw him get shot in the head. So this guy sent it to him. Mate, did you send this video?

Is this you, Ash, I don't know what the fuck about? Keep the phone line open. All right, yeah. So what, you're going to listen to us now as we do the rest of the podcast? I will listen. Okay. Right, so...

Please me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or die. Fuck off. Look, what's this fucking shit? Mate, I just...

How do we know? How's he going to kill us? He's not in the house. The door's locked. I don't know. Maybe... What? Paul?

Yeah? I don't want to... Well, is my dick out? No. I'll get my dick out, then. There's a red dot. On my dick? Hang on. No, no, no, no, no, no. Paul. What? Is my dick out? No. I'll get my dick out then. There's a red dot. On my dick? Hang on. No, no, no, no, no, no. Paul. What?

Look in the mirror. Is that a fucking... Shit and fuck. Fuck. Has this guy got a sniper rifle? Mate, is this you with the fucking gun rifle? Please me or die. Die.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. We'll crack on. We'll crack on. Fucking hell, Paul. I don't want to lie. Let's call the police.

No, no, no, no, no. We haven't got time. He wants to leave the line open, doesn't he? So he can hear everything we're doing now. Should I call? No, we can't. We've got until. We've got 45 minutes.

I don't have that much material, man. Mate, we're just going to have to crack on with the show, all right? I don't want to do the show. This is fucking weird. I've got a red dot on my head, and there's a shattered bloody bookcase behind you with a bullet in it, and Ash has been shot in the face. Now, that doesn't really concern me all that much.

In fact, we'd have to pay him now for appearances. So, it's sad that Ash is dead. It's not just sad. Mate, just crack on with the show. He's listening. Right. Cheap eats. Mate, just concentrate.

Have some more of your fizzy energy piss. I don't want any now. Have some more energy fizzy piss. Fuck. Eat your piss. Eat your piss. Drink the piss down. Look at it. It looks well like dehydrated man's piss. Fuck. Eat your piss. Eat your piss. Drink the piss down. Look at it. It looks well like dehydrated

man's piss. It does. It might be. Or women's. I don't know. I know. I never looked at a woman's piss. I've only seen mine. You've never lived, mate. I've seen women's piss nearly every day. Oh yeah? You like it? I have a little place I sit below the toilet with a little glass window. You sit below the

toilet? Yeah. Why? In a chamber? There's like a false floor to the toilet and I go down underneath. What toilet? The toilet where I'm staying right now. How long did that take to put in? A while. All right? It took a few months of building after hours when she was out at work.

I can't concentrate, man. It's fucking weird. I can see lady piss now, so it's good for me. Crack on with the show. He wants us to be funny. If he doesn't think we're good and funny, we're going to get shot.

Okay, fine, fine, fine. Ash is dead. Again, not a problem with that. It's fine. Does that mean I win the car boot? Yeah, it does. He's dead now so you're now king.

I'm now king, yeah? Yeah, you're king of car boot. Do I get wank privileges? Ash didn't get wank privileges. Oh, yeah. Didn't I never agree to that? I saw you wanking Ash off.

I was cleaning it. I was cleaning it with a sponge. Oh, yeah. He didn't. I never agreed. I saw you. No. Wanking Ash off. I was cleaning it. I was cleaning it with a sponge. Right, so, I can't. It's time for... Yeah. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep.

Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep.

Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep.

Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep.

Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Cheep. Che cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Okay, you're fucking losing it. I am losing it, Paul. That's good. I've done too much energy drink. All right, well, crack on with the four energy drinks. That fucking thing was only a fucking little small one. I am frothing.

Yeah, I know, and I've got a laser sniper on my head. Right, first on Cheap Eats today. Come on. Fisher's popcorn. Our popcorn just tastes better. Our popcorn? Like R. Kelly? Our popcorn. Our popcorn just tastes better. Our popcorn. Like R. Kelly. Our popcorn.

Is that the brand? No. Why? I'm panicking with me games. That's lame. Because the man might kill us and I'm panicking. Blue and free. Good.

These are, I should say. Always look. I know you're burping, but always keep your face to the microphone so I can hear your pretty voice. And it takes me less time to edit then as well. a thing mate just what do you give a shit we just have to talk shit and hope this guy doesn't fucking kill us doesn't matter i don't give a fuck i do not get i hope he kills you i hope he blows your balls off well we're gonna find out running around the room okay right i should mention yeah these cheap eats were brought to me yeah by georgia and drew great who are they they are good friends of me good friends of me right cool and they were visiting drew's family in the States. He's from the States. And they've sent some stuff.

No, she brought it back. Okay. She handed it to me in person. Groovy gumdrops. So, just like... But the first one, the first item, Paul. Yeah, hit me with it. Fisher's popcorn.

Our popcorn just tastes better. Right, and what's the flavour of it? Our popcorn just tastes better. Our. What hour? Caramel popcorn. Two o'clock? Five o'clock?

What our? I can't believe you've made the two jokes. The two puns on our. Thank you. Caramel popcorn. You like that? You like that?

You like that? You like that? We did have, the other thing we had was caramel popcorn with chilli, which we tried before which was sent by Emma.

It wasn't too hot, that chilli, but it was lovely. It was quite nice. It was quite nice. It was finished off by my flatmate. I was finished off by your flatmate. Were you? I suspected as much. So, go on. This is caramel popcorn,

but what's the twist, I hear you say? What is the twist, I hear me say? I hear you say that. Yeah, what is it? It is, Paul, dusted with crab spice. That's like your ball bags. Paul, dusted with crab spice. That's like your ball bags. I can't believe people actually send us money to do that.

Not with that attitude, mate, anyway. Yes, it's like my fucking itchy, nasty, fishy nutsack. Come on, open them up. I want to see it. But, you are allergic to fish. Yeah, but as we discovered. This is crab spice, so it's not the actual. It's flavourings.

It's not powdered crab, but it's the type of spice you'd use if you were boiling a crab. Yeah. Or something, you know? Got it. That's what they've done. Lovely. Now, shall I go in? Let's go deep in the bag and pull out.

It's gluten free, simple ingredients. It's handmade. Good. What does that mean, handmade? There is no real fish. It means they take each individual piece of popcorn In their hand And put it into the piece In the oil

Like I hate this job Fucking hands Burn it off Right okay Good For each one Yeah good

There's pain Open the fucking thing You fucking shut up I want you huffing this Nine I want you to huff this hard We've got a whole show to do We've only got to cram it

Into the next 28 minutes Come on mate I'm huffing it Yeah 38 minutes I can't fucking do time I'm pan to huff this hard. We've got a whole show to do. We've only got to cram it into the next 28 minutes. Come on, mate. I'm huffing it, yeah? 38 minutes. I can't fucking do time. I'm panicking. Huff it!

I don't know. What do you think? It's... Oh, hang on. It's got a bit of spiciness. A little bit of spiciness. It smells like when you go into a butcher's. Does that make sense? I can't explain it.

It's like that smell you get when you walk through a butchers. What, you're at your mum's bedroom? I really hope this fucking gunman shoots you in the fucking head. Oh, fuck you. Right, so, I've got some. I'll have one. Oh, he's not happy. That is a very sudden reaction to disappointment.

I'm going to go in. I do not like him. Now, why is that? Describe it first, Paul. The two flavours do not work together. They're just totally opposite flavours, aren't they? The caramel would work fine on its own. Even if it was just a crab dusting

on its own, on a plain... I'm finding it hard to get down. I totally fucking agree. This is loitering in my mouth. It's the combination of savoury, but a really sort of spicy savoury, like a bit seasoning, you know, which is what it is. It's crabs plus spice. This is the longest I've ever eaten one piece of popcorn. It's not very nice, is it?

For me. It's not nice at all. For me, those flavours do not gel. Whoever was pissed off... They keep fighting. They keep fighting. It's a battle. There's a battle in your mouth.

And it's a bit farty. A bit farty. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's just... Again, it's like that weird smell at a butcher's. I can't explain it.

What weird smell at a butcher's? When you first go into a butcher's, there's that smell of dead, cold meat. It's the smell of blood you're talking about. Iron, an irony smell. It's a little bit like that, though, don't you think? No, I'm not picking up on that, but I do not like them.

No. Right, I'm out of five. I'll go for a two. Two? I mean, it's high quality. You can taste the caramel's high quality, but I've got a bit of a kick, of a spicy kick as well.

Yeah, I don't like it, though. For me, strange. Yeah. It's a strange combination okay are you ready for the next next one please this is another one now yes we've tasted jelly bellies on this before we have and here is another jelly belly product and this draft beer beer. Jelly bellies. That's interesting, isn't it?

Now, the last ones we tasted were what? Salted caramel, was it? No, it was waffles and pancakes, wasn't it? Yes. And it was nice if you had just one. Pancakes and maple syrup, yeah. If you had one in a multi-flavour pack, that would be great. It'd be a nice little surprise.

Whole bag. Eat bad idea. No, you can't eat the whole bag. But we also had the sours, which were fucking lovely. Oh, I love them. They're very nice indeed. Not too sour though, to be honest. They weren't very sour.

They were... They were... Sherbert-y tingle. Kindergarten level sourness. Say, say, sherbert-y tingle. Oh, a sherbert-y tingle. Lovely.

And with the accent, makes Paul happier. Now, these are draft beer flavour jelly bellies. Interesting. Made in the USA. Obviously. They cost $3.49.

Well, jelly belly do. They're gourmet. They're a fucking gourmet bean. I was thinking as well. What do you want, mate? You want a fucking bean? What do you want? I'm not doing this character.

Fine. I appreciate you dived out of that quickly. So, thank you. Now, I'm hoping these are a bit like... Did you ever have those beer sweets that used to be in the 1P sweet selection? No, but I know what you're getting at. Those I really love that had a little beer flavour. They were like cola bottles.

Did they though? I just thought they were kind of like a lemonade-y, shandy flavour. It was shandy. They were shandy cola bottles is what they were. But they weren't. Maybe I did have them then. Anyway. I like those.

They're all soft and beer-y. Come on. Give me some jelly, Benny. Give me some beer flavour. Give me some jelly, Benny. Give me some jelly, Bentley. If anyone knows, by the way, what those were called, those beer fucking... And I think they were shaped like a beer mug. No, they were.

No, a little bottle, weren't they? Yeah, a little bottle. Like yellow bottom, but like a foamy white top. Yeah, yeah. I've got a foamy white top. Oh, these smell exactly like those. Let's have a sniff. I'm getting a nostalgia fucking hard-on.

Careful now. We're in a nostalgia zone. I'm huffing it. We're deep in the nostalgia zone. Get a whiff of that on. All now. We're in a nostalgia zone. I'm huffing it. We're deep in the nostalgia zone. Get a whiff of that on. All right, I'm having a sniff. They smell like your feet. I can't smell a fucking thing.

You can't smell it? They smell a bit salty. Like your feet. It smells a bit like bad feet. Yeah, a bit. That's a beer-y smell. All right. It's like a stale beer.

It's almost like that smell that comes from the mat. I can't smell too much, but maybe you... Why? I don't know. What have you been putting up your nose? Head on in. Yeah, that'll fuck up. That'll fuck it up.

Okay. I'm taking a couple. I'm going to take a couple too. Oh, that's a bit too many, but I'll put some down. All right. Bear with us. Are you eating them? I'm going to eat one now.

I'm eating one now. They're funny sheen, don't they? I like it. It's like a kind of ripple. Mar with us. Are you eating them? I'm going to eat one now. I'm eating one now. They've got a funny sheen, don't they? I like it. It's like a kind of ripple. Marble ripple. I like it. They're a beer flavoured jelly belly. Let's do it.

They taste very similar to those things I was discussing. They do. But, and if I can be adding a but to this, the flavour and the smell, it's a little bit like stinky feet. Is that? You're still getting that? I'm still getting a bit of stinky feet for it.

I like those. It's that fake booze waft. Yeah. The kind of... You know when you ever work in a bar and you can smell all the stale booze? That's what I was saying. I ignore you. It's like that. Yeah. Again, in a bar and you can smell all the stale booze? That's what I was saying. It's a bit like that. I ignore you.

It's like that. Yeah. Again, in a multi-bag of different flavours, that's a nice little surprise, but I couldn't eat a whole fucking bag of them. No. I'm having one more. All right. Yeah, it's a bit toenail-y for me.

I quite like them. No, they're all right. But out of ten? I'd go for seven out of ten for those. Maybe six for me. Again, you're right. I wouldn't want a whole bag. One or two every now and then.

I'm going back for more. I know, but they're very more-ish. I'm going back for another one. All right. What's the last thing now we've got? We're on the clock, remember, mate. We've got to get all through this. Don't piss him off.

He's fucking listening. He's got a fucking red dot on my face. No. All right, good point. But he might be using me for target. Yeah, because I'm the standout performer in the show. So he knows if he kills me, he's got no chance. Yeah, but he also knows if he kills me,

you're never going to release another podcast in your life because you're a fucking lazy gob, bone shite, wank hammer. Idaho Spud is our third item on this episode of Cheap Eats. Is that your nickname at school? No. My nickname was Your Cock Looks Like a Mango. Why? Because it's hard to get into

and it's nice once you get inside but it's a lot of effort. No, it's fucking distended and weepy. What fucking mangoes have you had? Oh, no, Spud! Right, what is it? It's another thing from America. Talk into the microphone

I'm talking into your cunt Come on Okay What does that word say The manufacturer Ooyee Ooyee Ooyee

Ooyee Ooyee Ooyee Ooyee Is it a chocolate bar Or a snack Idaho Spud The candy bar Yeah that makes Idaho famous.

Does it? Yes. I can't testify to the condition of this bar. Okay. I think it may have been a bit crushed in transit. Fair enough. It came from Idaho. But it's the flavor ultimately at the end of the day.

Let's see. Now, this is an unusual item, isn't it, Paul? It's a little bit unusual for us. We've got pictures, and you can see the pictures on our website if we live. Has it got spuds in there? No, I think it's just called that. Why? Does it look like a spud? You know, like a prairie oyster doesn't have oysters in.

What's a prairie oyster? It's a cow's bollock. Oh, no wonder they fucking call it a prairie oyster, then. Well, it's there on the prairie. Yeah, but... It's an oyster, isn't it? It's not really. Well, you're not going to get a real oyster up there, are you?

Come on, love. Play with me oysters while you're down there. You know what they call a camel's penis? A dork. No, that's a whale's penis, isn't it? A dork. Go on. They call a camel's penis a desert cucumber. Why?

You know what? Don't care. Come on. What do you mean, why? Because what? For the same reason they call a cow's bollock a prairie oyster. Does that mean a lot of people eat camel's penis? I made that up.

I'm trying to be humorous. We need to make this good. Are you ready for my Idaho spud in your mouth? Yes, I'd like to get your spuds in my mouth as soon as possible. Idaho. It looks like it's got... I can tell you from looking, it's hairy with coconut. Oh, it's got shavings of coconut.

What equivalent do we have? What do they call snowballs or something? Snowballs, yeah. It looks a bit like that, Paul. I'm going to hand this to you, and so you can take a bit off. Grab a bit of that. Oh, it's very soft. Yeah, that's why it's distended in transit.

What does it appear to have inside it? I don't know. Chocolate? It's got quite a nice smell. It's a nice smell. It smells like a bounty. Maybe that's what it is. It's coconut-y, chocolate-y.

It looks like it's like a bounty. Okay. Oh, I'm going to try a bit. It's very soft. It lacks the biscuit of a snowball. It has no structure, does it? It's all very floppy. Anyway, I'm going to put it in my mouth.

That's deeply unpleasant. I like that. That's unusual. It's got a spongy centre. Marshmallow-y? Yes. It's so sugary. I don't think I could eat a whole one,

but that bite was quite nice. It's so intense, isn't it? It's got that sugary tang cheap don't think I could eat a whole one but that bite was quite nice. That sugar is so intense, isn't it? Wow. It's got that sugary tang cheap chocolate tends to have. Yes, but it's really strong sweetness that just overwhelms all the other flavours, really, doesn't it? It's got a coconutty flavour. It's nice though. It's a bit like a... It's quite chocolatey,

isn't it? It's like... It's dark chocolate, isn't it? A more... More... More... It's a dark chocolate. I can't say words. You can't say anything. It's a more chocolatey snowball lacking the biscuit and jam. That's a dark chocolate, isn't it? A more, more, more. It's a dark chocolate. I can't say words. You can't say anything. It's a more chocolatey snowball lacking the biscuit and jam. That's a good description, yeah. I guess. Can we have a score for you? Out of five?

Out of five now, even though we've been doing ten the last two times. No, we did out of five for the first one. Did we? We always do out of five. I'm pretty sure you said ten. No, we never do ten. Out of five, it doesn't fucking matter. Out of five, I'll rate it.

No, of course we did, otherwise the last one was seven. I know, because you said out of ten. I'm going to follow your lead. Well, then you fucking knob scratch. I just wanted to fucking move on from your fucking verbal dyslexia. Right, anyway, here we go.

I'm going to give that, out of five, three and a half. Three and a half for me as well, Paul. We're in agreement. It's another successful segment of the Cheap Show. Yeah, fine. All right, let me pick up the phone. Hang on.

Mate, are you there still? Mate, are you there? How did that go? Do you like us? There were no crisps. No, we didn't get sent crisps this time. I wanted to see crisps. We don't have crisps, but we didn't get sent crisps this time. I wanted to see crisps. We don't have crisps, but we're going to do crisps next time.

Your mortality is descending like cardinal chunder on a cloud of purple meaninglessness. That's very eloquent for a psychopath. Don't take the piss out of me. I'm not taking the piss out of you. I'm just saying you're eloquent for a psychopath. Most of them are a bit mumbly-mumbly. Well, I've met one now, haven't I? Yeah.

Right. Oh, I don't know, we've got like 28 minutes to the end of the hour. But you're a terrorist, shouldn't you be on the clock? A terrorist? Mad man. I'm your biggest fan. No, well, why are you doing this then to us if you're our biggest fan?

Just because you need to, you need to improve the quality. Oh, what, by threatening us with death? That's how you do it, is it? That's how I get stuff done in my life. Well, it doesn't work like that. How can we be funny when we've got a bullet pointed to me head?

Or a gun? A bullet would be different because it would be in the gun. How can we be funny when we've got a bullet pointed to me head? Or a gun. A bullet would be different because it would be in the gun. But the point is that... Eli, say something to him. You're a cunt! I don't... Who are you? Fuck off!

Thank you. And the award for best cameo supporting role in a podcast goes to Eli the Hack Silverman. I'm just going to kill you now. All right, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't kill us now. We've got one more segment to do, mate. Oh, yeah? It's a price of shite.

It's old school price of shite. Oh, I've just remembered something. I haven't taken the price stickers off. Well, that's not boding well. Hang on. Let me write it down quick. Don't kill, don't kill me. I've got to write it down.

This is your last chance. Oh, do it. Hang on. Let me write it down quick. Don't kill me. I've got to write it down. This is your last chance. Now do it. Hang on. Let me write it down. Shit. Okay. And that's that one. And then that's that one.

And then hang on. Paul. Yeah, hang on. Shut up. This is just typical you, isn't it? Hey, shut up. I'm doing it as fast as I can. Shall I do a tail from the dance floor?

No, I'm doing it now. Anyway, I was DJing the other day. Yeah, hang on. You picked that up in my eye line. Oh, fuck. I've dropped that now. Anyway, I was DJing the other day. Yeah, I'm gone. You picked that up in my eyeline. Oh, fuck. I've dropped that now on the floor. Shit. Paul.

Yeah, I've got it. I'm written it down. I was DJing and some guy came up. Yeah. And he said, are you going to play, which was a novel way of asking for a song. Yeah. He said, are you going to play Lost in Music? I'm caught in a trap.

That one. Yeah. I said, no. I'm going minimal. I'm going minimal. Is that your Tales of the Dance Floor? Yeah. That's going to piss him off, mate.

Sorry, I've got the prices ready now, mate. And we're ready to go with the next one. And we're sorry for the shit Tales of the Dance Floor. No, there's a little ancillary. Let me finish, OK? All right. He's going to finish. And then later on, someone came up and said,

are you going to play Man Eater? Well, by hauling oats. Yeah. That's not appropriate for your night. No. I said no. Anything else? Tales from the dance floor.

Mate, please don't kill us. Please don't kill us. Please don't kill us. All right. Price is shite. All right. So you're going to listen to this next section as well now, Mr. Madman? Yes.

All right. I'll put you back on the phone. I'm going to put him back here. Okay. It's the fucking price of shot.

It's the fucking price of shot. It's the fucking price of shot. It's the fucking price of shot. And that's right. And that's right. And that's right. There's a theme. So, I... And that's right. There's a theme to all the presents. Shut up, Paul.

And that's right. I can't, I'm panicking, okay? I'm really panicking now. And that's right. Shut up. You fucking stop it. We've got 25 minutes. And that's right.

Mate, seriously. Don't. Listen. Paul, how's that going to help if you fucking kill me? Well, then he'll kill me, and then Cheap Show will be over for good then, won't it? Well, why is that good? It's not good. That wouldn't be good.

That wouldn't be good. And that's right! Shut up! I've got three items. I'm going to drink this down. I'm going to drink the rest of this energy drink down. You drinking that is putting me on edge. I'm drinking it right down.

Mate, I can't bear this. I can't bear the stress of you. Stop it! Stop drinking all the piss. Drink. Right, I've got five items. Five? Three. Fucking hell!

I've got three items, okay? And there's a theme to all three in that your intellect will be challenged by them. Oh! The first item, the first fucking item. The first item,

I'll show you now, I'm actually really, really proud of. Right? Let's see it, Paul. Because I haven't taken the price sticker off. Fuck me.

It's all right. It's all right. We're done. I've got it. That's the one thing you need to do. Shut up. Apart from buying the item.

I'm just going to hand it to you. Two things you need to do with every item. Buy it and take the price sticker. Mate, I didn't expect to have... That's it. That's literally it, Paul. That's literally it. And that's right. And that's right. I didn't going to hand it to you. Two things you need to do with every item. Buy it and take the price sticker. Mate, I didn't expect to have... That's it. That's literally it, Paul. That's literally it.

And that's right. And that's right. I didn't expect to have a gun pointed at me today. And that's right. And I didn't expect one of our mates to be shot in the face. And that's right. And that's right. And that's right.

And that's right. Right, here's the first item. Tell me what you think. Okay, what? It's fucking two pounds. What? No, look at it. I'm not looking at it.

Look at it. Take it seriously. What do you think it is? Look at it. Look at it. Take it seriously. What do you think it is? Now, he's handed me an object here with a little booklet which says,

Now you've got it! Yeah. Exclamation marks. What the fuck is this? What is it indeed? You get a little sticker with it. It's a little disc-shaped object. Yeah. That's a little sticker you get with it that says, I've done it.

That's a sticker. That comes with it, yeah. And it's a little puzzle. It's a little puzzle, isn't it? It looks like one of those, you know, those slidey graph things where you have like one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and you've got to move the numbers around. Yeah, or they sometimes have like that as a jigsaw. Or a picture kind of thing.

Where you hit them into the right order. Yeah. Ah, it is like that. But it's different. Why is it different? What can I do here? I can only see... Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. So you don't move the tiles themselves. You activate the movement of those tiles with buttons around the edge of the item it is. Yes, I'm doing it now. And then what's the... To solution it, you need to get them all in order. Yeah, or you can do it in rows of colours

and things like that. That's really nice. Yeah. And apparently, it looks like it came out in the 80s by Peter Pan Playthings, which is a British toy company, right? Yes, Peter Pan Playthings. Yeah, that little booklet that comes with it tells you how to play with the thing and how to, you can open it up.

How to move squares. So you basically, yes. And it's almost a sort of more basic form of the Rubik's clock. Well, this is what I'm thinking. It's a bit like that, isn't it? When the Rubik's Cube was big and it was trying to capitalise on being... It definitely is because it's got three colours of these numbers, which are sort of primary colours in a similar way to the Rubik's Cube design.

I kind of like it, man. It's really nice, isn't it? I'm actually really impressed with it. It comes with a sticker, has a little instruction book. It's a nice little bit of it? I'm actually really impressed with it. It comes with a sticker, has an instruction book. It's a nice little bit of kind of forgotten... And it's similar to the Rubik's Cube, but only on two dimensions.

Yeah. Do you see what I mean? You can move tiles down and across, but also... You move them down and across, yeah. But that's how you rotate them together. You have to move the whole row, and then you have to...

It's a similar way to the Rubik's thing. You have to move the whole side to get one. I never learned how to do a Rubik's Cube. No, I never did either. There was a formula to it, apparently. I've solved by myself. This is my best puzzle-solving moment of my life, is I solve the clock by myself.

Oh, really? Both sides? Yes. That's impressive. I only did one. Yeah. And it took me like three weeks, and I was literally playing with four hours. It was a really, really good puzzle. I love my Rubik's Cube.

I love my Rubik's Clock. I didn't say cock, though. You love your cock? I I love my Rubik's clock I didn't say cock you love your cock I love playing with Rubik's cock you love sucking cock right well that's moved that out the way

great no that is lovely right so how much do you think it was then again I got this in Salvation Army in Cambridge

the last time I got to go there before I left Cambridge I'm now London based we'll get into that in another episode so still very cheap stuff is there

do you have the original box I don't it just came you have the original box for this? I don't. It just came with the sticker, that little thing. Sticker's cool as well, man, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, that's so cool. So how much do you think that was from the Salvation Army?

Come on, mate. I know stuff is stupidly cheap up there, but this has some quality to it. And they obviously knew to sort of keep the paraphernalia, the sticker and the little instruction booklet as well. So that suggests that they think it was of interest rather than just a piece of shit. So I'm thinking I'm going to go for £1.15. £1.15 for the It game. Yes.

All right, let me just write that down. £1.15, he says. Okay. And again, we'll do the original scores. So two points if you spot on, one point if you do them within 25p. You decided the correct answer. Yes.

Okay. Next item is... Let's do this one. What is it? Oh, I've got the sticker with the fucking price on it. Twat. Fucking idiot. Prick.

There you go. I've taken it off now. Oh, written on it so you can't tell. There you go, love. Now, this is the shape and size of one of those jumbo matchboxes. Yeah. That you get in a kitchen in a house that you've rented, like a cottage. Like those swan matches.

And you're trying to smoke a cigarette, and you haven't got a lighter. You get this out, and then you light. But it's not what it is. It is, in fact, Matchbox Trivia. It is a Matchbox. It's a Matchbox shape. Oh, he's having a cough.

Here we go. Come on. Matchbox Trivia, The Great Debate. 89 debatable subject cards. Stand on your soapbox and strike up the debate so what do you do here speaking to the fucking microphone jesus christ stop coughing stop living i'm stressing out mate just crack on with it oh i'm holding it here well i start talking to your cunt now you're too loud key easy now, boy. Easy now. Oh, yeah? Yeah, easy now.

Wasn't that an impression? It wasn't an impression. It was an impression, wasn't it? It wasn't. Get off of it. Of a racist... Easy now. Of a racist... Easy now.

Texan jailer. Just come on. That's who you're doing, isn't it? What is it? It's a matchbox game with debate cards in it, Paul. What else do you want me to fucking say? And it's 35p. No, but there's...

35p! All right, I'll write 35p. Let's see. I'm going to get a card out. What do you do? What do you do with these? I don't know. They've got topics on.

They've got long, thin cards. Yes. What does that one say? The Great Debate. Right. When having their photograph taken, people should say chalk. Debate.

That's the game, isn't it? So what? Let's do pro and con. You be con. You say why that is a stupid idea, and then I'll do it. And then I guess if you were playing with other people, yeah, they'd be like. They judge. Do they?

Do they judge you? All right, so I'm con. Shall I go further first then? Yeah. What's the question again? Pro. I am pro what? When having their photograph taken, people should say chalk.

Okay. All right. say chalk. Okay. All right. Fine enough. Okay. Because, as you know, everyone says cheese these days, don't they? You've wet yourself. I haven't wet myself. Let me fucking finish.

You're shit. I don't believe you. You're a cunt. Let me finish my point. Fuck you. This is not an argument. This is how I win. This is not an argument.

Yes, it is an argument. This is not an argument. No, this is a debate. You're a cunt. Anything you say is what? Let me have a proper go at this. Okay. So everyone uses cheese these days,

but because, you know, we're going to a more vegan society, people might find it insensitive. I'm not listening. Fuck you. Fuck you. All right, what? So everyone's sensitive to cheese.

Yeah, so because we're sensitive to more vegetarian and vegan people now, I suggest getting rid of cheese in case it upsets some people, you know, and you say chalk instead because chalk and cheese, ha, ha, ha, ha, that's the opposite. Let's go with chalk upsets some people you know and you say chalk instead because chalk and cheese ha ha ha that's the opposite let's go with chalk now and you know

chalk chalk is white therefore saying chalk instead of cheese is racist and you're a cunt next card I win I'll pick the next card, then you fucking...

You're a fucking fur monster. Excellent. Okay, here we go. Man's best friend is actually a cat. Debate. I'll be pro with this one. No, you were pro for the last one. No, because I like cats and you fucking hate them.

Well, but that's the whole point of debate society. It's all right, then. You have to take the contrary point. Be pro cat. Yeah. Do it now. All right. Yes.

Man's best friend is the cat because they come in. Oh, what a lame argument. Oh, I'm going to interrupt you. Finish now. Yes. They come in.

You take a bit of chum. Eli's got chlamydia because on his few attempts at sex he catches it with all the dirty girls and all the dirty girls leave behind a trace. Your cat comes in. Do you know where's your best friend, Paul? Why?

Because I have put a poultice of whiskers all up in my tank. Yeah? I've fucking compacted it. I've compacted a great big... Stop spreading your legs and pointing to your perineum. I don't want to see it. I've whacked a big poultice, a big disc-shaped whiskers pack, all up there.

And then, you know what the cat does? He doesn't know better, Paul. No. He'll lick it all off. And it gets me jolly in the nether regions. And then I spunk in my cat's face. Fucking hell. And that's why he's my best friend.

Alright, I'll beat that. Alright, because... Why is he not your best friend? And I'll put some in my bum as well. Alright, I'll tell you why. Same reason, but dogs like it more and they don't fight and struggle as much.

Dogs are more passive. I like it when they struggle. I can't believe... What is this? What have we been driven to? What is this? One more card. One more card. One more card.

All right, okay. Ah, fuck that. That's a shit card. Pick a really juicy one. Now, we have to go back. Whatever it is, you're con and I'm pro. You're pro and I'm con, yeah? Okay.

Right, here we go. Everyone should spend half an hour each day dancing, debate, and I'm what, pro? On your con. Yeah. All right, dancing's good. I've got each day dancing. Debate. And I'm what, pro? On your con. All right, dancing's good. I've got some sweet moves. Watch these. Those are pretty sweet moves.

I watch this. Oh, that's a little dancer. Can you do the new dance they're doing from the computer game? What, this one? That one where you swing your bits? Yeah, it's not... No, anyway. I'm out of breath.

I did some dancing. Anyway, it's good for you and it gets your heart rate up and it's good and you can maybe meet a lady while you're dancing. It's a social thing during the day and maybe make sweet love.

It says everyone, not just people who want to fuck. No, I'm just saying there are benefits to everyone dancing. It can bring people together as a community. Are you finished? Dancing, community,

energy, health. Health? You haven't mentioned health. I did say good for your health. It's not good for your health. You're going to fucking die. I hurt my back. You danced for about

ten seconds, mate. I'm out of breath. You need to sort that shit out. Mate, honestly. Honestly Honestly Paul You need to sort that out Stop smoking So it's my turn to say

The cons Con Everyone Should dance For half an hour a day No they shouldn't Do you know why? Why?

Because I hate everyone You don't want anyone To have any joy No Joy is shit Joy is bad Being happy is shit It's not

No it is You've just not had it in a while It is When was the last time you were happy? Never Genuinely happy When was the last time a genuine Before I was conceived

So when you were spunk The last time you were happy you were spunk I wasn't spunk Paul No If you knew the basics of biology I was just as much the egg in my mummy's tummy So you're talking now about when you were being gestated. Before I existed, I was happy.

Before you were birthed onto the world. Before I was conceived of. Before you were conceived of. So before you were anything, you were happy. Well, that makes no sense because you had no conscious appreciation. You know what makes sense? You know what doesn't make sense? How do we get to that from dancing?

Dancing for half an hour a day doesn't make sense. Why? Wears your bones out. Great. People will think you're an idiot. Yeah. You do a dance. You can't.

That's why you can't dance. That's why. You want to see some dance? I want to see some dancing. Fucking yes. Fucking no. You fucking give me the twerking hard in your face, bitch.

Right. That kind of gave me a bit of firmness. Let's just fuck. That firmed the worm. It really did firm the worm Right, that's so 35p Is it because you saw it though?

Yes Alright, well then I'll give you that then I have two points Alright, is it on the back as well? There's two stickers No, it's because when you fucking put it in my face And you hadn't removed it Alright, well then

Make sure the price isn't on this third item It's on it, but I've crossed it out That's quite a good item. It's nice to have a little game. It's nice to have a little nice compact item. And we got a little bit a few bits of fun out of it

despite the fact that we could die at any second right now, which is horrible. Okay. Okay. So you said 35p. I'm going to give you

the two points for that. We'll keep the other two for a mystery though. All right. Okay. Two points there, love. Next one. The final one today.

Again, it taxes your mind. What do you think? What have we got here? Oh, it's Mensa. Okay Two points there love Next one The final one today Again It taxes your mind What do you think? What have we got here? It's Mensa And it's the genius test Yeah Could you be the one?

It asks Ah No It's not going to happen for me So This is the genius test It's another box game Yeah

And has it got some kind of test To how you open it? No It kind of slides out The way the box is designed. You're meant to kind of slide the cards out, you see, and then put them at the back. Now, did you know something about IQ tests, Paul? What? They're full of

shit and help people feel superior when they don't because people can be smart but actually dumb as fuck at the same time. There's that. Yeah. But also, strangely, people have been getting better at passing them. Yeah. You know, which would, people have been getting better at passing them. Yeah. You know, which would suggest people have been getting more intelligent over the years.

Yeah. Isn't that weird? It is weird. Yeah. Because it was meant to be a sort of test. Anyway. So, do you want to... This isn't going to be fun at all.

I'll tell you what. I went through these already. My eyeballs are drying out just looking at the back of that. I looked at a few of these and they're like, oh, it's lots of really complicated math and algebra things. That's what fucking IQ tests are. But they do have some interesting logic puzzles. So should we do one of these? Because I like a good logic puzzle.

All right. Here we go. Just a little bit of fun from the mentor test. And if you're listening at home, why don't you play along as well? Here we go. All right. Okay. Eli, here's your first one.

Okay. Okay. Here we go. Am I allowed to use a, here's your first one. Okay. Okay, here we go. Am I allowed to use a pen? I don't think you need to. Grandpa Joe lay seriously ill in hospital with his relatives gathered around his bed. At exactly 12.13 a.m., the clock on the bedside table stopped and Grandpa died. Why?

So this is one of these things that says you have to have lateral thinking, where you have to be creative with the fact that's it that's all I get that's all it is grandpa in a bed is he ill

in a hospital he says grandpa Joe lay seriously ill in hospital with his relatives gathered around his bed at exactly 12.13am

the clock on the bedside table stopped and grandpa died why come on think because he was ill

and the clock... But why did, when the clock stopped, did he die? Because there's a clock on his heart monitor. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Maybe you're correct. There's a power... And what, the power went out? Yeah, that's basically the power...

The power went... And it was tied into his security, keeping him alive. His security? What's the word in... Life support machine. Life support machine. Right. That's my answer.

Okay. Grandpa was on life support. It's fucking so easy. As it happened, the clock was on the same circuit. Can I brag to people? I'm in Mensa. The clock was on the same circuit. I'm in Mensa.

At 12.13, there was a power cut. Can I have my Mensa badge? No No, no, no I got that one though, didn't I? Alright, here's another one then Here you go How do you like this, you prick? Okay, here's one for you, you idiot I got that one

A teacher decided to set his pupils an unusual problem He presented them with a wooden box Which had a lid. Spanky items. Shut up. It smelt of fish. It smelt of a thousand years have come. So he presented the

class with a wooden box with a lid and the following question. There's something I could put in this box that would make it lighter. In fact, the more of these things I put in, the lighter it would become. Also, however many of these things I put in the box, it would And remain empty. But remain empty. I know. I was thinking lighter as in maybe light,

like he was putting a torch in it or something shining a light in a box no no I don't think so bubbles bubbles

bubbles I put bubbles in I put bubbles in a box I put bubbles in a box I put bubbles in a box hello boys and girls here's a bubble in a box situation gas molecules

gas molecules right is that what your final answer is? I'm going to say lighter as in he's putting lights in So he shines light into it to make it lighter Why would it still be empty? So he's shining a light into it That's your answer My answer is it's some kind of gas

Alright, okay What's the answer? Holes Ah, of course Holes he puts holes in the box oh that makes it lighter and it's still empty uh what a load of fun i'd put a hole in the box paul and i put my cock into the hole and i'd say all right male male male students yeah is this. Can we imagine it's sixth form at least, yeah? Fucking on the dodgy minefield. I have to fucking dance around with you. Right. And then I just go, fucking suck my nasty dick.

Shut up. Suck my dick. I hate you. I should be a teacher. I hate this show so much. I hate it. And with a man off his tits on two-year-old energy drink, I've got a sniper rifle pointed at my head.

Ash is dead. Alright, how much do you think that cost? Hmm. Hmm. Come on. IQ test. 40p. 40p. Very cheap. Much cheaper than I. Nothing comes less than a quid in the one round the corner from me.

And the charity shop In the Salvation Army Is very very It's ridiculously cheap Like the albums The LPs 50p 50 fucking 50 I got that Jasper Carrot one

For you for 50p Thank you Yeah it's good isn't it In good condition It's lovely Anyway let's go back And see how you did Okay

So you said the £1.15 The generation game The debate The debate game It's such a nice thing Wait Let me fucking talk.

All right? Stop listening. Stop listening? Stop talking. Stop talking? Stop living. Stop being. Wow.

So you said for The Great Debate, 35p because you saw it. So I'm going to give you two points, right? The IQ. No, we'll go backwards. Manson. The Manson? The Charles Manson game. There's a new Manson film coming out.

There's quite a few of those shitty fucking things. The Mensa Genius Test, could you be the one? You said 40p. Our survey said... It was 35p, but you get a point for being in. Right, so there you go, three points so far. Let's see how you go with the last one. So, that, it, Peter Pan Playthings Puzzle, Right, so there you go. Three points so far. Let's see how you go with the last one. So that it.

Peter Pan playthings puzzle, which is quite hard to say when you think about it. Peter Pan's playthings puzzle. All right, fair enough. With a sticker in the instruction book. I really like the design of the font of the image. Yeah, I like it. It's got that nice almost 70s, almost 80s thing.

Early 80s retro vibe. Like looking magazine kind of font you said £1.15 it was in fact our lowest item today it was 25p oh wow so no points there

for you unfortunately at all but congratulations Mr Silverman it's lost some of its shine yeah because I imagine it's been played with

quite a lot that's it yeah it's a nice item isn't it that I think it's really nice that's one of my favourite items I think I've bought on this show. Are you going to put that in your little tat shelf?

I might see if Stuart Ashen wants it to review on his channel, because you know he likes playing with those kind of little gadgets and handhelds. I don't know how much he'd have to say about that. Well, I've also given him a video game computer booklet thing, like one of those 1970s... Good idea. I'd like to see that on an Ashen's video. Yeah, that'd be good I'll see if he wants it

to look at because obviously we can only talk about it but he can actually see it and show it to the people so I only scored three points and two of those

were just because you fucked up yeah but you might have been close anyway with the other one I might have got one point but I'm sure

I would have said 50p either way I think you did all right, considering we have the Sword of Damocles dangling upon us right now. Oh, yeah. Fucking hell, mate. What's going on there? We've got four minutes to the end of the hour.

Is he still there? I hope he's still here. Mate? Mr. Madman? Are you still there? Yes. What did you make at the price of shite? It was extremely subpar, even by your...

I thought it was very witty when I forgot to do the stickers. That was unexcusable. That's classic textbook cheap show, that, don't you think? No, it was... It's fucking textbook. Listen, who's... People like it when I'm shit. Who's making the decisions here?

I am. Didn't you think Eli was a little bit shit today as well? Yes. Good. How shit was he? He was extremely shit and disappointing. Yeah,

was he just disappointing and sad? I'm disappointed with you both. Alright, okay, good. Are you ready to die? No,

no, please, we have to beg for our lives. I'll find you. I'll fucking find you, mate. Do you know what else I hate about what this show has become? What? When you make that noise with your mouth.

What? Yes, that's the one. Yeah. Are you ready to die? No, I don't want to die. Who's it going to be, me or Eli? I don't want it to be either of us. I love you, Eli.

All right. You're my best friend. Okay. And we have this podcast. I know. And I only want to do this with you. I don you, Eli. All right. You're my best friend. Okay. And we have this podcast. I know. And I only want to do this with you. I don't want to die anymore. It's just, I just think, I can just recognise that voice somehow on the end of the phone.

Yeah, who is that? Who is that? I fucking know. I've got to find out. No, you don't know who it is. I do. No, you don't. There's something about your voice.

No, you don't. Deborah, get out. I'm chewing something. Deborah? Ruff, ruff, ruff. Deborah, hang on, who's this? No, it's nobody. It's Richard Brandoff!

It's not Richard Brandoff! Deborah, you fucking bitch, get out of here! Brandoff, it's Brandoff! I told you to fuck off after I've fucked you. My wife will be here. I'm Ruff Ruff Ruff. I'm Richard Brandoff. Put me back on the show! No, we can't. You're fucking gonna have you. I'm Richard Brandoff. I'll be coming back on the show. Who else you'll die? Don't, what? He's hung up.

He's hung up. Where's he gone? I told you Richard Brandoff had it in the locker. Shit, where's that red dot? Oh god it's, look out! Ahhhh! Paul? Yeah?

Are you alive? I'm not shot. I'm not shot. Paul? Yeah? Are you alive? I'm not shot. What's that wetness? I feel...

I think you've come. I think you've come. I fucking have. I didn't know a life-threatening situation would make you spunk your junk. It's made me spunk in my pants. But I'm alive. I'm not shot. Well, what happened?

Are you shot? I'm poor. What? Poor, look up there. Oh, Jesus Christ. Shit. That's Keith's jaw. It's been shot.

Check it out, quick. No! What's wrong? What's wrong? Is Keith dead? He's... He's... He's... He's destroyed... Well that's it. Richard Brandoff today crossed a line. took two of our brothers And for what? For a cameo on a show? For a shit character that does a duck barking impression

And treats a woman like shit sexually? He's killed me If there's a last thing we do We're gonna find Richard Brandoff And we're gonna fucking KILL HIM! YEAH! And we're gonna fucking kill him! Yeah!