CheapShow - Ep 95: Dragon's Den

Episode Date: September 28, 2018

Following the terrifying events of episode 94, normality almost returns to CheapShow. We deliver a new Tales from the Shop AND Dance floor, Mi Casa/Su Casa pops up just in time to help calm the frazzled nerves and there is even time to finish off those delicious American Cheap Eats... However, when the CheapShow Chaps decide to play a board game based on the BBC TV show "Dragon's Den" a dark cloud once again emerges from the depths... However, this time it comes with a peace offering... But can it be trusted? Find out in this 'ere episode! (Podcast may feature additional Ron Jeremy - check label for details) And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow @elisnoid & @Ashfrith If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

The following podcast is in memory of Keith. No. He is. He's dead. He's not. He is. He was dead already. Yeah, but he's more dead now.

Do we have to? Yeah, I want to dedicate this episode to Keith. I know you don't. You never liked Keith. No, but I still feel... You vomited almost when you first saw him. Doesn't mean anything. Well, that doesn't mean anything.

That doesn't mean something. It doesn't mean anything. Nothing means anything with you. I just want to dedicate this episode to Keith. Fuck off. In loving memory of Keith. No, you know. I'm not having it.

Why? Because you're not part of Keith's gang. What? It was a traumatic experience last episode. The ramifications of which we'll feel later. It was a very well acted episode. By some small minded people. Anyway.

What do you mean by some small minded people? Some people who just have low standards of acting and just went, you're not bad, even though you're staid drama school acting and clankerman. Now it's become

my staid drama school acting. Anyway, I want to dedicate this episode to Keith who lost his life. What does that even mean? Staid. Like moribund.

Again, what do you, those two words mean? Stayed. Like moribund. Again? Those two words mean totally different things. No, they don't. What do you think stayed means? Stayed means stilted. Yeah. You're acting stilted. No, it fucking isn't.

I am an actor delivering lines. Do the intro. Fucking hell. Here's Cheap Show, everybody. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles.

Alright? It's a fact of Cheap Show you're going to have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Tales from the Dance Room. Moodle time Tales from the Darks How's the big guy? The Price of shite. This is Paul Gannon saying hello.

Eli Silver. Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm not going on a nuzzle. Paul's a cunt. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, everybody. It's the economy comedy podcast for your ears. And yes, what a packed show we have for you tonight now i do have to admit something eli's very that you're a cunt that you're a cunt that you're a cunt to people

you're a sociopath i'm not i just don't care when you're ill i come in through the door ladies gentlemen earlier today i'm paulie say something nice no are you ill enough to do the podcast? No? Good, let's do it. Am I ill enough to do the podcast? And I said no, you said no. So we cracked on. That's a perfectly fine sentence.

I'm not ill enough to do the podcast. Are you ill enough not to do the podcast? Oh, fuck off. What? So I'm not ill enough not to do the podcast, which I won't do unless I'm ill enough to do it. Shut up. You're a dick.

You're just in a bad mood because you're poorly and you didn't get... Oh, because I'm poorly. I didn't get no love. Yeah, you didn't get any love. I get no love from you. I've offered you my love on numerous occasions. No, you've only offered me your sex. I don't want it.

Same difference. I don't want it, no. You'll feel my love. I need support, emotional support. Not the midnight prodding of an unwanted erection. I read that book. It's good. Some lame

gag. Insert some lame gag here. I will. Shall I do a proper intro then? I've warmed up now. Yeah, good. Alright. Cheat show, everybody. Here I am, Eli Silverman. It's your economy podcast. And here's the other host. It's Paul Gatlin, everybody.

Hello. Hello. Welcome to Cheap Show. Hello. Hey, you and your fucking noodle potty. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of Cheap Show. We're going to have to fuck you, you see?

Noodle time. Right. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. Stop saying that. You say that about eight times. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast for your ears. It's not for your ears. It is. Where else are you going to take it in?

Orally? You're going to put the headphones in your mouth and listen to us that way Stick a speaker up your bottom And have my dulcet tones Vibrate your bottom In a very nice way Mmm Bob Shit

Another shit bit from Paul Wow I'm sorry I'm not fucking You're not fucking You haven't in a while I'm definitely not fucking And you won't be

Oh Why Because you control my sex life Yeah Yeah I do I am being Machiavellian Behind the scenes I'm prowling

When you're out at night And when I see a lady You're prowling Yeah And when you see a lady Yeah this is going well for you Paul I'm prowling you At night

You're prowling me And when I see a lady Look yeah, this is going well for you, Paul. I'm prowling you at night. You're prowling me. And when I see a lady look at you with romantic intentions, I go up to her. You rape and kill her? No, I don't. Is that what you do? I go up to her and say, don't go near him. He's bad news. That's abuse.

He's bad news. That's weird and abusive and creepy. And you're safe, mate. It's pretty much for your own good. Safe from what? From ladies ruining your focus. The minute you get a little bit of love it'll be all over for cheap show you'll be like i'm off to shag land

having a great old time shag land i'll use that expression will i yeah i'm off to shag land come on love let's go home so paul yeah what have we got coming up on the show today key beats don't shrug and a board game in Gannon's Golden Games

okay yeah key beats what else oh and Mikasa Sukasa Mikasa Sukasa I'm looking forward to that why

because you've got something that's really good and you're going to look at mine and go shit you know what I've got you what I'm telling you already no don't tell me

I'm telling you already I don't want to know I can't take my earphones I put my headphones I do not want it's really hard to record a podcast when I've taken

the monitor headphones off and I put my fingers in my ears don't know what's going on you could be saying anything right now but you're not that glass suite

that's what I've got you the glass suite the glass suite that's all you get. That's all you fucking get. Yeah? And you'll appreciate it. Yeah?

You know what? I was talking to my partner. Some cunt. Oh! Oh! My partner is some cunt, is she? No, no. Yeah?

You just said that. No, I didn't. No. And she listens to this. I said some cunt before you. She listens to this. And she was looking forward to meeting you. And now, the dark side,

the horrible side, the side I warn women about in nightclubs has come out. There you go. There's your real Eli Silverman, ladies and gentlemen.

An insidious little half-wit. So let's give you a quick tells from the shop floor. Okay, I thought we weren't doing that. I'm going to do a quick one. You can do tells

from the dance floor. Okay. So, I don't know what it is about like charity shops but every time they like put vinyl in a store they put it like really low down on the floor like yeah i'm in baskets it's heavy isn't it lp is very heavy so they don't want to be and it's quite awkward to put on shelves if they're not designed for it specifically it slips off very slipp slippy. Which is fine. I'm giving you reasons. Yeah. You asked a question. Yeah. I'm giving you reasons.

Okay. And I'm accepting that and agreeing with you. I get the reason why. And now we're moving on to the rest of this story. Yes. And which is, so I get down on my knees. Oh, yeah. Hey.

I get down on my knees. While you're down there. And I stop fingering the 12 inches. Oh, yeah. Oh, fucking. Anyway, this guy is at the other end of the shelving

looking at CDs which are higher up because they're lighter I've been there I've been there so many times at dick level with some fucking

nasty like spec wearing fucking weirdo well guess where this story's going yeah I've seen it

he looked like a human Toby Jug. You know, he was stout and wide, and he's getting closer and closer. And he had a handle built into the back of his... Head? Head. And his head was hollow?

And his head was hollow. Filled with stout? No. Do you have stout in a Toby Jug? You can put anything you want in it. I think you have ale. Ale, stout. You said stout just because he was stout, and you've? You can put anything you want in it. I think you have ale. Ale, stout. You said stout just because he was stout

and you've got a limited word pool. Yeah, maybe. I can use that word for a beer as well as, now he's raised his hand in anger, ladies and gentlemen. Shut up. So, he starts coming towards me and I'm thinking,

he must see me because at this point, he's getting far too close for comfort. He's going to give you a truffle nudge. Well, what actually ended up happening was, I'm on the floor, right by the records, and he brings his body right round to the back of my hand and pushes me into the shelving.

I literally can feel his jubilees on my neck. What? Yeah. Did you say, excuse me? No, I did the British thing. I did the British thing and under my breath complained. I was like, I and under my breath complained. I was like,

get out of my way. And then he starts like just pushing his weight on me. And I'm wondering, so I start moving and then as I move away, I hear him go, like that. Really?

Yeah. And I hear him go, oh. He just got up and got out of the shop. Go, leave. Leave. Mate, I've been to

a few of these Harrow charity shops. Not impressed. No? Is it bottom of... It's not Cambridge, mate. No, is it really? Scrapings. Terrible scrapings.

It's not great stuff. I've not been impressed. Nothing unusual. Nothing exciting. It's been a bit kind of as you'd expect. So maybe... Well, I've got something I think you might enjoy. Yeah.

And if you don't like it, there's a little booby Mikasa. Oh, booby Kasa. I like it. Booby Kasa, yeah. So I've got to tell us from the shop floor, give us your dance. Floor story. That was... Okay.

Don't question everything. I'm doing... No, go with the flow. I wanted to do my own intro. I didn't want your lame link. Go with the intro. That doesn't fucking work. Go for it.

Ladies and gentlemen It's time for our Infrequent section Known as Only infrequent Because all the stories Are the same So he has to spread out

These stories now Yes Yes Any more No Yeah Okay can I speak Yeah

You're not going to Interrupt my intro I might do No promises It's time for My infrequent my infrequent infrequent section where I

regale your penis infrequent section. Okay, you're done. Yeah? Yeah. I just saw a bat. Oh, I see a bat.

Whoa! It came so close! Did you see that? It was like Batman. There's loads of bats out there. Whoa! It's coming close! Did you see that? It was like Batman. There's loads of bats out there. Whoa! It's coming in! Fucking cool.

Well, that's us distracted. How excellent is that, man? There's bats, ladies and gentlemen. They're flying at the window of the House of Pickles. Yeah, it's beautiful. And kind of dive-bombing. This is when they come out at dusk, Paul, to eat the buggy bugs. Ooh.

There's a lot of bats around. There's buggy bugs There's a lot of bats around There's a load of bats around, isn't there? I love bats I don't think of central London We're like two old men in a park Bats Anyway, Tales from the Dancefloor Which is my infrequent section where I regale the listeners

With tales from The heady world of professional DJ manship. DJ manship? That sounds like a nightclub. DJ manship. Anyway, what is today's story? It's full of semen.

It's a manship. It's full of semen, Paul. Arab semen. You got me there. you got me with that one come on which I like to call go on well Paul I was DJing the other day

were you and bit slow moving bit slow just people weren't reacting it's early in the night it's the first set of the night. Fair enough.

It's about nine, twenty past nine or something. Okay. And I'm trying to raise the tempo. Yep. As is your want. Build up the tempo. Yep.

People start moving. Yep. People start grooving. Got it. People start going, I've got that, the rhythm, the rhythm.

The saddest part of that section of the story is the fact that you'll never get to see what I just saw It was moving Slightly erotic Very erotic And the manager comes over to me And he goes Just one thing

Can you make people dance over there? And he points to the dance floor Just like one section of the building He wants them to fill up the front of the stage. Right. Because they're taking all the tables out. Right. Which they do.

They decide when to take all the tables out, and then that space becomes where the audience to watch the live acts are. Yeah. And they weren't filling it up. Right, so... For whatever reason. Not my fault.

You can't help it. You know what I mean? I'm trying. But he seemed to think I had some kind of Very peculiar And specific power As a DJ

Where I could select A record That would make people Move to a certain Part of the room Don't worry mate I've got Lulu's shout That only works

On the left hand sides Of rooms It's funny that Some songs They work on the right Hand side of the room You know Your Edwin Starr

With War That works on the right side It's definitely A right hand side On the left hand side You've room so you know you're you're edwin star with war that works on the right side you know definitely on the left hand side you got your lulus you got your beetles you've got your kings but on the right side it's a bit more funky i found it quite annoying princes on the right side yeah we got it yeah um it's it's quite center led zepp you can play that and it centers a room uh that's quite nice so you've come up with what? War by Edwin Starr, Lulu's Shout and Led Zeppelin.

Yeah. A whole lot of love. A whole lot of love. Thank you. All the songs I know. But it is annoying. Yeah. Did you get them going?

Eventually they did start to dance but I just felt like I'm under pressure for something I literally have no control. No. They might be all disabled and can't get up. They weren't all disabled. But...

Although, that reminds me. Uh-oh. A couple of weeks in a row, there was a huge party of deaf people right at the front. Okay. They can obviously sense it, though. They can sense what? The beat, the bass, the... They can sense all that. That's why they all enjoy it. Mate, they're deaf. Okay? They can sense it, though. They can sense what? The beat, the bass, the... They can sense all that.

That's why they'll enjoy it. Mate, they're deaf, okay? They can sense vibration and beats and pulses, so why wouldn't they enjoy it? Because they can't enjoy music, Paul. They can, but Paul... Not in the same way you or I. A dull thud!

A dull thud! Yes! A thump, a whomp, a whomp. I just thought it was quite amusing. What, you were laughing at deaf people? You were sitting there in the DJ booth pointing and laughing at deaf people. No, Paul, I was kind of

laughing at the absurdity of me trying to get a bunch of deaf people to start dancing with the music I was playing. Is there no absurdity in that? There's a little bit of a absurdity. Absurdity. And it reminded me once as well when I was DJing

at another place in Camden and a very aggressive manager who had never been- Very aggressive. Came over and he said, could you play something a bit more contemporary, yeah? And I was like, no, no. You don't do contemporary. I was just hired, I do what I do. He goes, look, now music. Play now music, yeah?

Now music. Anything off now albums. Me and him are going to get on just fine. So that's one tale from the dance floor. Yeah. And I have another more typical example of the genre. Here we go. Something more familiar for the audience. A young lady comes up to me and she

goes, do you take requests? She had a very squeaky voice. Do you take requests? And had a very squeaky voice. Do you take requests? And I always say, yes. No, she said, can I make requests? Can I make requests? And so it's like, yes, of course you can. You can do what you like.

You could recite Rudyard Kipling to me. She's being polite. Well, what does it mean? Will you grant my request? We've gone through this before. She's being polite. She's being shit. She's not using language as an effective way, Paul.

What would you like her to say? You'd know all about that, wouldn't you? What would you like her to say? Oh, fucking word. I'll have to take a fucking word. What's the exact sentence they should say? Oh, God, it's the wrong word. Never mind.

If I put another word in front of it. What's the exact sentence they should say, then, to get your attention, to get on your good side? Anyone listening who sees you doing a mediocre mixing set Can you play? Shut up. I'm going to ignore you. They come up sees you doing a mediocre mixing set... Can you play? Shut up. I'm going to ignore you. They come up to you.

Hello. What? Do you have Tom Jones? It's not unusual. Fuck me, Paul. You can't think of anything. I don't care. I just want to know your reaction.

Yes. Thank you. Right. Anything else? You look like Rod Jeremy. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. anything else you look like Ron Jeremy ah ah ah ah

now we all know that's a thing of the past because Ron Jeremy Ron Jeremy himself has come out and said oh and said

yeah that I do not look like him I don't look like Eli Silverman he said that yes but you saw it. Did you see it?

I did see the video. It was filmed by Shana. Shana? Shana. Shana. Hey. Eli Silverman does not look like me. She got it.

She met him at a Comic Con or something and got him to put a mouth organ in And go doodly do I don't know I think he just had the mouth organ with him anyway Yeah see the thing is that's another thing you share with him though Well I don't play anymore No He could always play the mouth organ and he could also play his organ

With his mouth Why'd you have to ruin it for me Why'd you have to talk over me I'm gonna fucking ruin rune something you. You runed that. That was a really good joke. Before we end this segment. Shag.

Joke. Before we end this segment, I'm going to show you something. I'm not ending this segment. I've got another bit to do. You runed. Fuck you. Go on. No.

Fuck you for finishing that joke. I'm going to say the joke again so we get a clean version without your fucking cretinous chuckle underneath it. Go on. Right. So he plays the mouth organ, but he can also play his own organ, Paul,

with his mouth. Okay? Yeah. Thank you. And, so she's like, are you going to make a request? And I'm like,

yes, you can. In that sense, so you can do whatever you like. It she's like, are you going to make a request? And I'm like, yes, you can. In that sense of you can do whatever you like. It's free country, love. Yeah. You should have just gone. And then she goes, Magic Mike. Play Magic Mike. What is the tune for Magic Mike? There's no real Magic Mike tune.

This may be songs from the soundtrack album. So what the fuck does she mean then? She says play something off the Magic Mike album. No, she meant she was like, Magic Mike. And she took another one of my bugbears, she got her phone out, it's Magic Mike! And then you know what she said? Two things which are like a red rag to a bull for me, Paul.

Go on. She said, it's my mate's birthday! And then she said several times, it's Saturday night! It's Saturday night! It's Saturday night! It's Saturday night! Yeah? Yeah. That's my tales from the dance floor. Great stuff.

It's not. You fucking... I'm not gonna listen to you anymore. It's gonna make this podcast really hard. Yeah, because you already don't listen to anything I say. No, but I do have something for you to end this segment on. You know when we met up in Camden the other day? The segment's over. The segment is over. This is separate. This is now a separate

bit, which is just Paul was saying shit. It's not. It is something I saw in that American candy store in Camden. Because you didn't go inside. I had a quick look around. Here's what I saw. I took a picture. Pringles dill pickle flavour. Yeah. Have you had them? No. Should we try them?

They won't be as nice as... No. But also, these have got to be like $8.99. I went round that American candy shop, and you think, oh, how much can a pack of Skittles be from America? $4.99? I've got some Skittles from America there. They're spicy ones.

Yeah, they were nice. I want some. I've got some left. I want some. And that's the segment. I saw Pringles that are pickle flavoured. What has that got to do with... I thought you might like it. That's it. I saw them. I want some. And that's the segment. I saw Pringles that are pickle flavoured. What has that got to do with the... I thought you might like it.

That's it. I saw them. I would like them. But you know what I've seen? Someone sent me a photo of. Talk about crisp. Oh. Cheeto, crunchy, red hot.

Oh. Ranch. Red hot ranch flavour. Oh dear, oh dear. We need it. We're going to have to get our hands on that. I would put it on the end of my knob and see if it was a reaction with the moisture there.

I would pay to see that. You wouldn't pay? How much would you pay? To see you balance a... I'll get my knob out now if you've got a fiver. I don't. No, you fucking don't. Really?

I wish I did. You will never see it. I can't see it because it's so small. I'll put Tabasco on the end of my knob if you had a fiver, but you don't. You would really do that. I would look at this hot sauce. This is Dunn's River Jamaican hot sauce. It's a hot and fiery sauce, Paul.

You would happily put on your penis. I'd put it into my metus. Right. There we go. What a lovely section of the show. What we've got coming up on the show, Paul. Although we've done that, we're going to just do the show now. Right, let's do it then.

I can't believe you've ruined that joke. I didn't ruin it. I made it better by joining in. Are we recording? Yeah. Right. Because you've got your stupid voice on. Your annoying voice.

Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that. It's weird paul paul you need to you need to yeah just get get it get whatever it is out and let's do the rest of the show yeah i'm here i'm ready he's he looks like he's having a very slow motion stroke everybody motion stroke, everybody. Yeah? Get it, get whatever it is out and let's play with it. Whatever the next thing is.

Is it me? What? He's shrugging and slapping. Floundering without me in the show. I'm not floundering. Alright, you want me to do it myself? I've got some noodles in the other room. I'm not doing noodles. Well, you know what to do. All right. Do you want me to do it myself? I've got some noodles in the other room. I'm not doing noodles.

Well, you just told me I could do what I like. We're not doing what I like. We're not doing what you like. We can do noodles then. We're doing it by the rule book. What rule book? It's agreed. We're doing this segment, me, Casa, Sue, Casa next.

Oh, it's me, Casa, Sue, Casa, is it? Well, do we have a theme tune for that? Yeah, but you think it's insensitive to American Indian people. Me, Casa, Sue, Casa, ha. Okay. Damn it. You got me to do it. Right. So, is it me to you, Casa. Me, Kassasoo. Kassaha. Damn it, you got me to do it. Right, so is it me to you, Kassasoo Kassasoo? Let's start with you because I'd like to end on my Kassa.

Right. Because you think it's going to be so good. I'm just, no, I just think it'd be nice to end on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. So if you've never heard Cheap Show before. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's no limits. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's no limits

I'll do it Yeah Yeah So MeCast is where me and Eli Decide to have a bit of a pipe of peace And we find an item from a charity shop Or a poundland or anything cheap

That we think the other would appreciate and let's see what we have today now in the past we've given each other books and vinyl and all sorts of lovely lovely things but let's see what eli's gotten for me today i've got for my me casa to you casa today paul yeah is this say what you see and here it is for you. Oh, it's a little Marvin Magic Man. I wonder what that was from. Basically, you know, you can get cheap magic sets and one company's called Marvin's Magic.

Is that the one? I didn't know what it was. And that's Marvin's Magic. What do you call it? Character. No, but there's a special word, isn't there, for a character who represents a brand. Mascot.

Yeah. Mascot. He's the mascot for the children's Marvin's Magic. There's slightly more adult versions, but kids will recognise this cheeky chappy. He's a little magician. He's a little magician and he's got... He's got a top hat, he's got a cape,

and he's brandishing some cards. Yeah. Pick a card, any card. Pick a card, any card he's saying. And he's also winking. I like him. He's cute. And he's a magnet.

Is he? Yeah. There's literally nothing I can attach it to. There we go. I like him. He's cute. And he's a magnet. Is he? Yeah. There's literally nothing I can attach it to. There we go. There you see. There we go. Oh, I like him. He's lovely.

I'm going to call him Martin. What do you think? He probably has an official name. What do you think it could have been from some kind of magic set or some kind of game? I don't know. It's got a magnet. So maybe it had some... But it's not for a fridge, is it?

No. Because he'd be sort of hanging off the fridge at a weird angle. Yeah, it'd be stupid. I think it maybe made the magic trick work. It made a magic trick work. Okay, but you could just put him on the shelf and just be your magic guy. Yeah, he'd be looking at me going, hello there,

have you learnt any magic tricks today? It's an Irish company, is it? No, it's just, this is Martin. Not Marvin, this is Martin Magic. Are you naming him yourself? No, it's just this is Martin. Not Marvin. This is Martin Magic. Are you naming him yourself? Hello, I'm Martin O'Magic. And I do the magic tricks. See if he sticks to that light.

Yeah, he does. He's cool, eh? He's all right. Oh, he's dropped his hot sauce. Hot sauce down. I should mop it up with my meters. Have you really got to? Oh, it comes off.

Maybe it's not meant to, but it came off the bottom. Yeah bottom yeah i don't know i think it's for a magic trick it's meant anyway that is my casa for you on this me casa su casa poor and how much did that cost out of interest three quid no it didn't yes it did see i actually put some fucking actual investment in this show yeah did you genuinely pay three pounds i asked the guy yeah? Did you genuinely pay three quid? I asked the guy how much it was, he said three quid. Three pound? I thought you were going to say like 50p. It's crap.

I mean, if it's part of something else, what? Just hold your tongue, yeah? All right. Why? Because I spent three pounds. It's a gift yeah hmm okay

don't undo the good feeling alright in the work we've done just thought that might have been a bit cheaper than three quid so did I but I'm not some kind of

weird stingo right well do you want to see what I got you yes I'm going to take the price off now because I was going to leave it on to go there but now I want to save it for the end

so there's a bit of a reveal a bit of a reveal so there is shut hello there I'm going to take the price off now because I was going to leave it on to go there. But now I want to save it for the end. So there's a bit of a reveal. A bit of a reveal. So there is. Hello there. I'm Martin Magic and I cost three pound. One, two, three. So he did. Let's see this.

Where did you get this? I got this. Oh, where did I get this? I think I got it at the British Heart. No. R-S-P-C-A charity. Okay. And I saw it on a shelf.

I've been the doggies and the catties. And I think you'll like it. They're not the dead ones. All right And I saw it on a shelf. Helping the doggies and the catties. Yeah, and I think you'll like it. Not the dead ones. Alright, I'm looking at this now. This is a keychain

I do like it. There you go. It's a keychain copy of Operation. Yeah. The famous game

where you have to get the bones out of the patient and it has an electronic aspect. Don't touch the sides. It buzzes. Yeah. And this is a little miniature version of it on a key ring

and it works. Look at this. Oh, where's the sticky stick? It's at the back. It's complete with the stick and everything. Yeah, it's got tweezers that you use. Oh, mate. It's good, isn't it?

This is good. And look, I think it still works. Have a little use. Oh, mate. It's good, isn't it? This is good. And look, I think it still works. Have a little go. Does it need a battery? Does it need a new battery? No, it's got in it. It should work.

Oh, he's going in. He's got a delicate touch. Ladies and gentlemen, he's pulling it out. He's got it in the wrong way. That's why. There you go. No, it doesn't come out

all the way to attach with a little bit of plastic so you can never lose it. So there you go. Oh, you made it, Buzz. There's the noise, everyone. There you go. And it you made it buzz! There's the noise, everyone. There you go, and it little nose lit up. It's Operation, but tiny.

It's really small. Well, it's more of a novelty item. It's a bit of a novelty. It's not. But it's up there. It's a time killer if you're on the bus, maybe. You know what I mean? You wouldn't really play it. You might do. It's useless. It's just a... But it's a little thing that is meant to be a big thing

and looks like a big thing, but it's a bit pointless. You know, you like that, don't you? I do like it. Yeah. It's a little version of Operation, and you can see this on our website, can't you? If you go to the cheat show. Plus Marvin the Magic.

I think my one's... You're not really into action figures, are you, as a person? Not really, no. I never know what to do with them. I know a lot of people keep them in boxes or keep them in shelves. Did you used to collect the Ghostbusters action figures? Yeah, but I played with them. These days you just buy an action figure and people just put it

instantly on a shelf. The other things I picked up today, Paul, just out of interest. Yeah, I'm not a big action figure fan. Like when people say, oh, have you seen the new Ghostbusters action figures the 12 inch and the 8 inch and the 6 I'm like I don't care how many versions of Ray Stantz do I fucking need

I picked up these two sort of trendy vinyl figures that's a motorcycle club one it looks like an urban animation thing yes but that's like a zombie from a motorcycle club and this one's even better yeah these are Amos then I've got the Wolfman one look that's pretty cool zombie from a motorcycle club. And this one's even better. Yeah, these are Amos.

Then I've got the Wolfman one. Look, that's pretty cool. Yeah, they are pretty cool. And they came with the box, the original box. These were like, they were a big sort of trend a few years back, weren't they? Like Funko Pops sort of came out of it. But they used to be little action figures sort of for adults, weren't they? With a bit more of an adult sort of theme.

So these are part of a chain of toys that are based on a property of some sort well no I think they just invented it just for the toys how weird

and they must have a house of horror one they've probably got Frankie and like I think they're loosely based on the universal because that's a lady

yeah these what is it it says something on the back it's a motorcycle club forever sen simple what does that say yeah forever sen simple

no what says forever sensible oh that's the word sensible right anyway um and yeah and this you get the normal version and then you get the zombie versions i believe this is the zombie version and then you get the zombie versions. I believe this is the zombie version of her because she's that colour. She's got a... But I like those. They're really nice little things. I think new, they went for like up to 15 or something. Oh yeah, they're probably worth two quid each now, I reckon.

Yeah. Nice little thing. I just thought I'd mention that in this part of the show, Paul. Yeah, good. Do you want to know? You can swap Marvin. Yeah. Martin. Oh. For the mystery. Now, you said... Mystery Sue Cassidy. the show Paul yeah good do you want to know you can swap Marvin yeah Martin

for the mystery now you said mystery suit Cassidy it was a booby prize so I'm guessing it might have might be Phil's errand do you want to swap it

can I before we go any further do you want to have a guess how much that operation thing was £1.50 £1.50 you say and it says 75p 75p

so not too bad, that. It is nice, and I will keep it. I will miss cheap charity shops in Cambridge. It's over. I'll miss the Salvation Army. It's Harrow. It's Harrow, just really depressing. Just sort of crap.

No, it's fine. It's just it's not that... It's not really got much interesting content in the charity shops. For now. I'm quite lucky. Round here, you do get quite good stuff. Yeah. It's a bit of a curio, the one up your road, isn't it?

Yeah. A little weird, little bric-a-brac-y one. I like that. Anyway, you know what? For pure drama stakes, I'm going to say, yeah, I'm going to trade in Marvin, Martin. Can't believe you're abandoning me. I thought we were friends. You've gone for the booby prize on me, Cass and Paul.

I have. And look what it is. It's scampi fries. Yeah, it's a packet of scampi fries. Are you pleased? yeah so we're all happy we're happy

well look at this I get to keep Martin and you've got a fishy fingers I get to have fishy fingers you get to have a little operation you've got your little action figures and yes

we're both in a good mood as we head into the rest of this episode. This is good. This is good. I've got toys. Yeah, you've got toys. You've got your little action figures. You're going to do a little scene with them now.

We're going to play a little action scene. The wolfman's going to fuck her. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. My hair's ooh, ooh, bristling, ooh, ooh, ooh. Are you alive? Oh, no. Wow. The unlimited imagination? Oh, no. Wow.

The unlimited imagination of Eli Silverman. Now she's going to fuck him. Right. Okay, good. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Your hair's ooh, ooh, bristling. Are you alive? Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Wolfman. Yeah. He's good, isn't he? Yeah, Wolfman. I like Wolfman. I don't think too much of a zombie lady, but that's just my personal preference. You know, I like the Wolfman. Put it down.

Stop playing sex games with your plastic figurines, all right? Oh, I've just been out on the motorcycle. Gets me all throbbing. Really? Oh, Marvin the mate. Hello. I'm here to give a little bit of sexual magic. Go on, entertain us.

What are you doing in the clubhouse? Alright, here we go. Now, what are you doing in the clubhouse? I've come to do some magic tricks. Well, you better do some fast or I'll rip your throat out. Here you go. With me teeth. Pick a card, any card. Right, you better do some fast or I'll rip your throat out. Here you go. Rip me teeth. Pick a card, any card.

Right, that one, the Jack of Hearts. Right. It's your card. The Jack of Hearts. Yes. Hello there, I'm a magician. Diddly, diddly, diddly. What did you have for dinner?

I had sprouts and I had caramel. And? And I had... Potatoes? Potatoes! We had potatoes! I had caramel and I had... Potatoes? Potatoes! We had potatoes! I had lovely potatoes. I took a potato

and I sliced it into little bits and then I baked it in the oven. So I did for about an hour. What dish is that called? And then I took the potato out and then I stuck little bits of pepperoni in the slats in between the slices on the potato and then I covered it in pizza sauce

and then I covered it in cheese and I put it back into the oven and baked it for another 10 minutes. Like a pizza? Grilled it for five, so I did. A pizza potato? And then I had a little bit of pizza potato. It was absolutely delicious. You just invented something.

No, I saw it on YouTube. Really? Yeah. And that's magic. We should try that. Yeah, we should. Is that the end of the segment? Yeah.

Do you want to go to sleep? How are you feeling? You're still poorly? Yes. Yeah, we should. Is that the end of the segment? Do you want to go to sleep? How are you feeling? Are you still poorly? Yes. Yeah? Fever? Yes. Yeah?

You're going to have it. Not unless you kiss me or touch me or spit in my mouth. I'm always constantly spitting. There's little flecks of it all just floating around in here. There's spit motes. Spit motes? Yes. Like a mote of dust

that's disgusting it's a spit mote this room attracts bats and right mice the bats seem to be trying to get in here

didn't they bats and mice and cockroaches and bloody you with your filth it's not this room is just grim it's not grim

it's fine it makes me sad you make me sad and now it's fine. It makes me sad. You make me sad. And now it's time for Cheap Eats. So, now it's part two of our... Don't do that. Stop doing that, Paul.

That's not amusing. That's not amusing. That's not amusing. Stop eating the scampi fries. I'm taking them away for now. You have to be disciplined. Yeah? We're recording a podcast. Don't... Oh, he's threatening me with violence.

You give me my fries. No. We're doing cheap eats now and you will not be interrupting me with violence. You give me my fries. We're doing cheap eats now and you will not be interrupting me with your thing. You give me my fries. Ladies and gentlemen, he's doing macho posturing now and it's

it's like a pantomime villain. I want my get me. Come back. Sit down. Now are you going to help me do the jingle for cheap eats? There we go. Do you want to do the cheap help me do the jingle for cheap eats? There we go. Do you want to do the cheap and I do the eats or vice versa?

You do the cheap and I'll do the eats. Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. And it's that second of the show where we investigate the cheap food of the world and bring it to your ears via taste and description of said taste

so Paul if you remember on the last episode which I've tried to forget because it was so traumatic yeah well I vaguely remembered

we had too much candy for the hour yes well there was too many snacks that had been brought back to me from the US of A

by my good friends Georgia and Drew. Right. Okay, and they bought six items. We tried all three. We had the crab corn. Disgusting. This just didn't work. The beer, jelly bellies.

Fine, but couldn't eat a whole bag. And what else did we have? The Ohio... Idaho spud. Idaho spud. Interesting. Not particularly nice. I liked it.

Did you? Yeah, and you rated it the same as me. It was like a chocolate sea anemone. Coconut hairs. Well, the sea anemone of my sea anemone is my sea anemone. What? The friend of my sea anemone is my... Get the joke right, Paul.

Come on. I can't do jokes. My sea anemone is... The friend of my sea anemone. Get the joke right, Paul. Come on. I can't do jokes. Stop laughing at your own joke. My sea anemone is... The friend of my sea anemone is... Anemone? The friend of my anemone is... You know the funny thing about Ron Jeremy?

What? He plays a mouth organ. But he can also play his own organ with his mouth. With his mouth, Paul. With his mouth. So, we'll start with something familiar this week, okay? Got it. Describe what you see here, Paul.

Well, now, we've tried quite a few of these over the years, haven't we? And for the record, you know when we tried those combos last time in the episode? You said we haven't had them before. They were. Yeah, we have. We had them in the early days. These are definitely some that we have not tried before. I think you're going to be right.

Let's have a look. He's handing me the bag. These are combos. It's an exclusive flavour to combo stuff. Maybe it's like a special edition. Made with real cheese. But what is made with real cheese? Well, it is the jalapeno cheddar baked tortilla.

Artificially flavoured filling. Okay. Now, what's your opinion generally when we've tried these before? I've always loved combos. Oh, you have? You used to live in the States? Yeah, but not as often, even though I did put on a drastic amount of weight when I

lived in LA. Now, I think these are available all over the States, and they seem to be popping up more and more. Well, do you know those pretzel bites that are reasonably popular in the UK, but they're expensive? Snyder's.

Is that who makes them? Yeah, I like them. I love them. You know, we should do those on the League of Snacks. We should actually. We haven't done a League of Snacks in a while. But we should do one that's a real sort of stalwart and a traditional one.

And then also those that are an outsider. They're a wild card, actually. A bit of a new blood thing. They've got three or four flavours of those Snyder's pretzel pieces, Paul. Yeah. And I think the hot buffalo wings one is way superior. Well, they are fantastic

and this jalapeno cheddar should be right up our alley. These are combos. These are combos are essentially a pretzel tube. A filled pretzel tube. These are kind of like a common snack but in the UK

they're a bit more kind of niche. Yeah. Well, you can only get them in like Sainsbury's In Selfridges food hall or something I'm going to open the bag Give it the bag a huff Let's see what the huffage is It's time to huff the bag

Yeah give it a snuff It's got a very strong jalapeno, like nachos. That's the kind of hot. Smell like nachos. Yeah. And, oh, these have got a different sort of texture to them. They do. I think they've got the tortilla texture.

I would be interested to see whether they've managed to make the combo a bit more tortillery or it just tastes normal, like a normal pretzel. Well, let's find out. I'm getting a lot more jalapeno than I am cheddar. Yeah. The cheddar isn't very salty. No, and the flavor doesn't hit you as hard as you think it's going to. Oh, I'm getting the tortilla effect at the end.

Yeah? They're not as satisfying as the original combos we've had. I like that tortilla effect. Because I was like, oh, no. It's got a softer texture when you first bite it, which makes you feel it's a little bit, not off you know like it's well it just tastes like a normal pretzel at first but then it's got this sort of grain granular which you get the corn for that tortilla they've managed to get that in there haven't they right the very end when it's all

bit mushy in your mouth and it gives you that corn chip aftertaste yeah that's an impressive bit of food engineering it's not bad i don't think it's anywhere near as nice as the blue cheese ones though but they are very nice. I think I'm going to eat more of those because somehow they're less rich. They've got a lighter vibe. Oh, they're good. Evil. Evil food, but good.

Not as evil as the blue cheese ones because they are crack. Seriously. No, I meant evil as in they're not good for you. No. They are crack. Seriously. No, I meant evil as in they're not good for you. No.

So I'm going to need, as is I want, a score of five for the jalapeno cheddar baked tortilla flavoured combos made with real cheese. I'm going to give that four. Really? Yeah, four out of five. Yeah. Do you like them? Yeah, but they're not. They're nice, aren't they?

I prefer the others, but they rank highly. Just for it being a combo, you're just going to give it a... Yeah. It's not your favourite combo flavour you've had. No, but... It's not awful. It's not ob-reportive. It's nice.

Satisfying. Very nice. And now... A bit of a novelty item for our second item. I like a bit of novelty. Say what you see here. Oh, it's a bit cheeky. It's a... Well, it's, it's called Sour Flush.

It is two purple lollipops that look a little bit like toilet plungers. But why? Because they come with a little plastic toilet, which I imagine you dip the lollipops in to sup the flavour. And it's probably got sherbet in the actual bowl of the toilet. Yeah. Let me open it. I'm opening it. I want to open it. sup the flavour. And it's probably got sherbet in the actual bowl of the toilet. Yeah. Let me open it. I'm opening it.

I want to open it. Listen. Yeah? No. Why can't I open it? You've had... Give me back me scampi. No.

I want me scampi. Stop being a spoiled little child, Paul. If you don't give me back me scampi, I'll scream. I've opened it now. It's too late. It's too late. You won't scream. Eww. is that a scream

that sounds like wow that sounds like the kind of scream when you've it's not good look I'm handing you one of these purple plungers

purple plungers they're just little boiled sweets on a stick you know like a long they are shaped like a plunger aren't they oh I think this is grape flavour.

It is purple, I should say. The commode is purple. As is the lollipop. So that would suggest grape. Look, Paul. It's a little toilet filled with powder. It is essentially a sherbet dip in the shape of a pooper. Isn't it?

An old crapper. And I'm going to give it a half because that is my want. That is your want. I want away. Oh, man. That's the ultimate artificial grape flavour

coming out of that bog. Let's see if he's right. That's the artificial grape flavour that I associate with being in the States. Does this little thing come open? No, the actual... The cistern. The cistern doesn't open, I don't think.

The cistern is down. Okay, so give it a... Go on, let's go. I don't know, maybe it does come open. Don't stop. You're going to spill. I won't spill the toilet. I won't.

House of pickles. I'm going to open the lid of the toilet. Because like some men, I like to put the lid down after I've used it. I like to just put it down before I've used it and shit on it. I shit on it. You can see it on your cheeks. That's what I do. In a new relationship, Paul.

Look. In a new relationship. Because of the clumping. So I just get all the arguments out of the way. Yeah. Because even on the first date, I go, I'm just going to use the lid. And then she'll go in after and go, ooh, ooh. And it's because I've shat on the lid, Paul.

And then she goes, the lid and then she goes and then she goes and she starts smelling the pheromones in my shit he's a brute he's a brute he doesn't care he'll shit anywhere he likes it's like he's king of the world this is why you're single

why? because I shit on things that you don't need to. I'll smear my shit around you. Yeah, great. Well, lovely stuff. Because of the clumping of the... A clumping of the shit.

Of the grape dust. My fecal clamping. It looks like a little poops are in there. It does. Right. I haven't dipped it yet. I haven't tasted it. I'm going to.

All right, dip your lolly in. Have you licked the lolly? You've got to lick it. You've got to lick it. Otherwise, look, I've got a good coating without a lick. Okay. I stand down. I've got to lick it. Otherwise, look, I've got a good coating without a lick. Okay. I stand down. I have a good coating there.

I'm going to dip my plunger in the grapey dust. Ooh. I don't have as much traction. Give it a little lick. There you go. You've got loads on there. All right. I'm going to go lick.

I'm licking this poopy plunger. Now, I would say that's got a lot of flavour. Ooh. I like that. Very artificial. I don't want the lolly. I just want to scoop it into lot of flavour. Oh, I like that. Very artificial. I don't want the lolly. I just want to scoop it into my mouth. Oh, the fizz, love.

It's nice. It's very sour, isn't it? In a proper way. It's not that sour. Yeah, but it's more... Listen, if we're going to go calibrate the sourness, it is more sour than the Jelly Belly Sours. Yeah.

Isn't it? And the Skittle Sours. Oh, mate. Do it again. I'm shoving it in. I'm shoving my rod down the toilet. Yeah, shove it in. Put it... Oh, yeah. Suck it. Oh, mate. Do it again. I'm shoving it in. I'm shoving my rod down the toilet. Yeah, shove it in. Put it...

Oh, yeah. Suck it. Oh, God. Plunge it. Oh, God. Oh, look at that lip action. Oh, yeah. Now, that's not something I'd buy, Paul,

but it's very nice, isn't it? Nice flavours. Don't try and lick it and look alluring to me. You're not alluring Paul no one wants to hear that some people are going oh Paul

your tongue action so lovely no they're not yeah they are no they're not yes they are I need a score for you three and a half

yeah I'll go for three unremarkable bit of fun I thought it was quite delicious I like that artificial it's one of these things where it's like, if it was just a lollipop and some sherbet, you'd think, great.

But it's because it's like a toilet motif and the plunger kind of feels like it's unnecessarily selling you something via toilet humour. Yeah. A bit like this podcast. It's a metaphor for this podcast. This podcast.

A tawdry, cheap piece of crap that's clogging up the world with toilet humour. Yeah, basically, yeah. Now, if you were really caught out, you could take quite a small shit in that. I don't think I'd ever have a shit in my life that would be small enough to make that a worthwhile receptacle for my faeces. Well, you never know. I would just end up with, effectively, an ice cream scoop mound of shit in my hand. It would just be, that is the Cornetto bottom.

Now, are you ready for our last item? Then a big curly whip whip poo poo in my palm. Last item. I am. I'm enjoying the lollipop, but I must put the lollipop to one side. Put it to the side. Put it on a piece of plastic. I've got it.

I've got the wrapper. We're on this. Now, there's a jalapeno theme. Jalapeno theme. Jalapeno theme. Jalapeno theme today, because our last item from Georgia and Drew in the States, he's gone back for another combo, everybody. Well, I have to,

because I think if we're going back to savoury, I need to adjust the cake. Yeah, using the combo as a palate cleanser, yeah? Pretty much. I'm going back to a more of a... We're not going back to savoury. Oh, we're not? No.

Well, I... We should have had a look. We should We're not going back to savoury. Oh, we're not? No. Well, I... We should have had a look. We should have had a look. Because what have we got here, Paul? Oh. I'll put it in the light for you there. Gummy jalapeno medium heat pepper. Well, sour apple flavour.

Yeah. So it's another one of these hot sweets. It's a jalapeno... Now, we really like those Indian hot gummy sweets from last time. Chili millies. The ones that look like little penises. They're called chili millies. I love them.

They were very good. I think they were probably the best combination of a confectionery with a chili that I've ever eaten. Because you know when you go to like Hawkins Bazaar

or Man Care or those little gadget toy shops. Hawkins Bazaar or Man Care. I can't remember the name of them. Mankind. Okay, I don't know any of those. You find them in like shopping malls

and things like that. It's like where shops those. You find them in shopping malls and things like that. Like where shops are. You find these shops where shops congregate. Yeah, but these shops are more particular to malls than they are to the high street. All right. Because they can take out a small bit of space and fill it up with gadgets and crap and things

that men think they want and executive toys. Oh, I see. And weird. They always have the gummy hots and the gummy chilies and it's like overpriced shit. Okay, so I open this. Yeah. Manufactured by World's Largest Gummy Bears.

The original. So the guys who came up with the one big gummy bear. Have you ever seen those? Yeah. Have you seen those gummy snakes that are as long as your arm? Yeah. I want one. You like gummies.

I like gummies. We all love gummies in the House of Pickles. We certainly do. We haven't been to the froth shop in a while. I should think about that, shouldn't I? one. You like gummies. I like gummies. We all love gummies in the House of Pickles. We certainly do. We haven't been to the froth shop in a while. I should think about that, shouldn't I? Yes. Because Gannon's froth shop needs to restock. This is something you could have in the froth shop, but it's...

It's more of a cheap eat section from Meckle. Just open it. What's your problem? You try. He's gone in with his teeth and he's done it. Yeah. I was trying to preserve some of the packaging doesn't matter now look at this gummy jalapeno is it one big one yeah oh i thought it

would be small ones oh look it looks like a sex toy it's very green and the half is that kind of stale green apple smell now i'm expecting this to be a sour sour apple with a bit of heat. It looks like a slug in your hand. Oh, he's eating it. I'm going to have the top end. You have the bottom end. You had a big bite of it. Gummy texture good. There's some heat to that. I can taste the apple. Sour apple, of course,

but a mild sour apple. Oh, the heat's coming. The heat is coming. It's quite nice. Yeah, it's quite nice. Flavour it's quite nice. Flavour goes together quite well. Yeah. I quite like spicy sweets. I'm becoming quite fond of them.

It's not something I've had a lot of. We started with... Are you okay? It went down the wrong hole. Yeah, I like that. Now, they've got a bit more of a kick than the chilli millies that's one of the hottest ones I've eaten actually I didn't think it was that hot I think it was about as hot as the chilli willies

or chilli millies whatever they were called as hot as but I think the problem with the smaller ones is for me is that they're more like this that heat builds because you have little ones

where that's a big bite mate that is hotter that has actually got some proper chilli in it it's nice it's very satisfying it doesn't ruin the flavor the taste no it's very nice and the texture of the gummy itself is really quite important because if it tastes cheap everything and what would you say that was a high quality gummy it was higher than usual quality it's got a quite nice soft nice pliant as you'd imagine a thicker gummy would be nice pliant texture to the gummy. And it's kept its moisture, hasn't it?

Yeah. As it dried out. I think that's quite nice. It's quite nice. I'd rather it be a bag of smaller ones, I think. Yeah, because then you have to go back to it. It's got your teeth marks in it. You can't just sort of go back to it.

No. So it's kind of one of these things where it's like... And you get that all in one go. It might go straight through you like a cavalcade. Yeah. It's like those giant gobstoppers where you're never going to eat it in one go, it might go straight through you like a cavalcade. Yeah. It's like those giant gobstoppers where you're never going to eat it in one sitting. So you're just licking at it for months. And then you get dust on it and stuff.

It's just, ugh. You have to give it a rinse every time you go back to it. Big candies don't work for me. No. Candy is pop, pop, pop, pop. It's a novelty item. Essentially, it's a novelty item. Yeah, you give it to your mate.

It's not as novelty as the Sour Flush. No, but the Sour Flush is more easily marketable. It's toilets for kids, big poos, and then, you know. I like to eat out of the toilet. Kids like dirty things, you know. Yeah. Kids like poo and wee and vomit and dirty things and rude things and gross things, you know. And it's all to do with when you're that age,

you're imprinting the anal circuit, aren't you? What the fuck does imprinting the anal circuit mean? Well, at that stage, toddler stage three,

sort of four, you have to be, you're getting potty trained. So you have to, you're sort of learning that some stuff is dirty stuff and that needs to go

over there. Oh, there was a test I saw where they made chocolate mousse but they modeled it into poop shapes so it looked like real poo yeah and they gave it to like an eight month old i was like straight in the mouth yes gave it to like a one year old two year old once you get to three or four they started like going oh is it poo yes is it poo oh and then they eat it and then you've got like 30 year old-old men who are like, it's poo. And then you give them a few drinks and go, I'll eat it.

I'll eat it. So we're going to need a mark. If you saw a plate on a table with a knife and fork and a sign saying, eat me, and on the plate there was a big poo, a big log poo, would you think it was real and stay away? Or would you go to eat it and stay awake or would you go to eat it

in what context it's like I'm asleep it's like you go it's like what I walk into my house and there's a mystery plate I walk into my own house

and there's a mystery plate and it says eat me and there's a poo on a plate my first thought isn't oh I wonder if it's real my first thought is who's been in my fucking house

putting weird shit on plates but would you investigate it or instantly just put it in the bin yeah I'd go My first thought is who's been in my fucking house putting weird shit on plates? But would you investigate it or instantly just put it in the bin? Yeah, I'd go and get my magnifying glass. Yeah. And then I'd get my Deerstalker hat. Yeah. Then I'd go, who's placed this?

Oh, it's Sherlock Poops. Oh, elementary. Is this a new character? It's not. But then, no, it's me. Ooh, elementary. Ooh, flush. Is this a new character? It's not. But then, no, it's me. It's me. It's not a new character. Call for Eli Silverman, the poo detective.

I'm here. We found this poo on the floor. We don't know who it belongs to. Let me get my magnifying glass. Yes. I'll just whip my magnifying glass out. Ooh, now you can see this is actually moose. Dig in. Dig in.

Dig in, Watson. Where's my poop spoon? Spoon. Okay, but I do need... I like this new character. A guy who investigates secret poos and ties them to a cretin. So where were you going with that utter, utter shit scenario? If there was a plate and what? It looked like poo and it said eat me,

what would I do? Is that what you're saying? Eat me for £100. I'd give it a sniff. Who's putting the £100 behind the plate? I'd just get the box. Who else is in there? The box is locked.

There's a note inside the chocolate poo. Inside the chocolate poo? That when you eat it, enough of it, you can read it so you can open the code. I'll just wash off the poo and get the note out. You've got to eat it. There's an adjudicator in the room. There'll just wash off the poo and get the note out. You've got to eat it. There's an adjudicator in the room. There's an adjudicator, a strange adjudicator. There's a man with a clipboard.

What does he look like? He looks a bit like me. Does he have a tutu on? Yeah. Now. Now I'm liking it. Yeah. What is he doing?

He's just wearing a tutu. I'm just wearing a tutu with a clipboard. Is he rubbing it all up? No. His hands all up. I'm in the corner in the shadows. Not you, the adjudicator. I am the adjudicator.

I see him as a bit more overweight than you. Oh, are you saying I'm not overweight? More overweight than you. No. I'm 40 now. And he's got a pink tutu on. Yeah. And he has sort of like a fake elephant's nose.

So it's more like you. Paul, I need a score for the gummy jalapeno pepper sour apple i will give it three three three i think i preferred it to the sour flush slightly so i'm going to go 3.5 on that 3.5 is a little recap we had combos jalapeno cheddar baked tortilla combos i was impressed with with The engineering they'd done To give it that Tortilla crunch at the end Yes

Which is something that wasn't On other combos No And I'd like to see them They've done that with Tortilla Pringles as well Yeah

I like that That's good They've incorporated cornmeal What did you give them again? I said four And I said 3.5 Oh So the same as the jelly jelly gels

Yeah And then the toilet The toilet I said three I think I said three And then said 3.5 oh so the same as the jelly jelly gels yeah and then the toilet the toilet I said three I think I said three and then the gummy jalapeno all good thank you very much a nice high standard

of cheap eats and I think of all that whole lot the crab spice caramel coated popcorn was the real yuck factor it was the real big loser so

it just did not work for me too many conflicting flavours. Now, they also have other flavours. I'm seeing on the back of the popcorn, white cheddar. Does that mean they have a caramel with the... Yeah, it does. Well, this one says original recipe caramel, then kettle corn, which I presume is just salted.

I'd say white cheddar is maybe just a cheese-flavoured one. Well, that would be nice. Pure cane brown sugar, popcorn, non-GMO corn syrup, butter, salt, Old Bay seasoning This is, no you're right It says caramel popcorn Dusted with crab spice Gross

Yeah, not good I think I'd better dance now So, thank you very much for those cheap eats Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap What's your favourite across all six? I'm going to go with the combos. What else did we have? We had the popcorn.

We had the Idaho spud. I like the spud as well. Idaho spud. And then what was the third item last? No, that was the third item last time. It was... Well, fuck me. What's happened to my brain?

Doesn't matter. I like the combo. No, we had the popcorn. The popcorn. Idaho spud. Yeah. And... my brain? Doesn't matter. I like the combo. No, we had the popcorn. The popcorn. Idaho spud. Yeah. And beer-flavoured jelly bellies. Beer-flavoured jelly bellies.

And then we had combos, jelly, toilet. So, yeah, combos best, I think. I think the combos were the best, yeah. There we go. In terms of actually eating something. Now, I just have one more question. Where's me scampi? All right, you can have your scampi back now.

You promise not to crunch it when I'm trying to talk. I promise. I'll be a very good boy. Here's your scampi back now. You promise not to crunch it when I'm trying to talk. I promise. I'll be a very good boy. Here's your scampi fries. I thought you wouldn't... You actually hated me, Cassar, didn't you, today? Right. Wasn't your best, but I got scampi out of it.

You know the mystery of what happens to cheese moments just gets deeper and deeper every shop I go to? They have the board, and there's cheese moments on the board, Paul deeper. Every shop I go to, they have the board and there's Cheese Moments on the board, Paul. On the print, not actually hanging up on the board. Not actually hanging up,

but underneath the fucking fries. Because they've probably been hung up for there for ages. They probably keep the card up. They don't. They get a new card with every batch. But why do they have

the logo of the cheese on there? Someone. Because they haven't been in... There are some quadrants of this fair isle, Paul, where they are still unbeknownst to us down here. Because there are some quadrants of this fair isle, Paul, where they are still, unbeknownst to us, down here in the metropolitan elite,

unbeknownst to us, there's some stock of cheese moments out there and they're probably eking them out. I like this idea. I like the idea that we can make a film now called Eli Silverman and the search for the cheese-flavoured moments. I would be in that. Well, yeah, because you'd have to be. You fucking idiot. Am I being considered for the role of Eli in that?

It's a light pencil. That's the end of that section. Congratulations. No, I'm not touching it. It's now time for my favourite part of the show. It's time for Gannon's G-G-G-G-Gold-g-g-g-games. Wacky-doo, wacky-doo,

wacky-doo. Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Games. Yeah. I thought you'd be excited. It's hard for me to be excited anymore, Paul. Why?

I've seen it all. I've seen your whole gamut. Ganon's gamut. Yeah, I know. You know, I've seen it all. It's a small playbook, but it's reasonably successful. Where's your gamut? The one where you just... My gamut. Yeah, I know. It's a small playbook, but it's reasonably successful. Where's your gamut? My gamut?

Yeah, what's your gamut? You know what's really playing on my mind these days, Paul? Go on, what's playing on your mind? Chive and yogurt poultice straps. So poultice is definitely your gamut, because you've mentioned poultice a lot now. It's becoming quite the poultice ball. Yeah, but... Yeah, you are. It's just quite the poultice bore. Yeah, but... Yeah.

You are. It's just because people don't understand. We're going to do a reboot. What's going to happen is after episode 100, two new hosts are going to take over

Cheap Show. Really? And they'll be dashing and all young and millennial. And they'll just do cakes. And they'll be like, hey! But it'll be cakes.

Yeah, it'll be, hey! We're on Cheap Show today. Let's do baking. We're going to do some young stuff. And we're going to do a poo-shaped cake.

Oh, and we're young. And we wear our baseball caps backwards and forwards. And oh, and it's dead young. Oh, the satire. Oh, satire. And we'll just rot somewhere bitter. Because Cheap Show will be a huge success when the young ones come on and take over. The young ones?

What, Rick and... No, that would be better. That would be better than this shit. I'm quitting. He's doing a walkout Rick and... No, that would be better. That would be better than this shit. I'm quitting. He's doing a walkout, everybody. Doing a walkout. Now. Careful, because there's...

I'm fucking getting it again. He's banged his... I'm doing it again. He's banged his leg for the second time. Also, I should mention, Mount Grotmore has been decanted into... Mount Grotpants. Mount Grotpants has been decanted into a basket

and it's kind of... There's a little bottleneck between the basket and the side of my bed and it's caused... I banged my shin on it the other day and now Paul's done it twice. I've never done it before and now I've done it twice.

It's because of the protrusions of what used to be Mount Grotpants. You's done it twice. I've never done it before and now I've done it twice. It's because of the protrusions of the what used to be Mount Grotpants. You should put it back. Put Mount Grotpants back. Okay. There's been death near Mount Grotpants since you moved it. What are we playing on Gamma's Golden Games today? I went to Oxfam in Cambridge for one last

time and I came across a board game that I think we should definitely play. It is called Dragon's Den. Based on the BBC property in America. I think they call it Shark Tank. It's Shark Tank in the States. So, you know, it's a simple show. It's a nice bit of fun. Someone comes up with an invention,

and then some very rich entrepreneurs who have all the backing rate them, evaluate them, grill them. Could the invention be some kind of strap for loading poultice pods into? A poultice holster? A poultice holster. Yeah. And it has a little Velcro strap at the back. Yeah.

And you can slot in whatever poultice you like. I like this. How did you do like this? It's good. It doesn't need, Paul, it doesn't have to be your classic yoghurt and chive poultice. What else can you do? You can have clay poultices. Clay?

Yeah. What does clay do? It helps with skin. Okay. What other. What else can you do? You can have clay poultices. Clay? Yeah. What does clay do? It helps with skin. Okay. What other poultices can you recommend? A poultice poultice. Oh, so a poultice within a poultice? It's made of old poultices.

Oh, so they use poultice. That's for the connoisseur. Fermented poultice. Yes. All right. Okay. I like this. Yes.

How much backing do you need? 100 grand. All right. I'll give you 100 grand for 70% stock in your poultice company. Poultice holster business. Poultice Co. Poultice Co. Have you got one?

No, I don't actually have an invention I could pinch. Pimp. Pinch being, ooh. Freudian slip. You're a thief. A little bit. You've just studied transcripts Of comedy Before you did a show I've got this hot sauce

Oh yeah It's called Teddy Teddy Hot Sauce Teddy Teddy Teddy Teddy Hot Sauce Why Teddy Teddy Because if I called it Reggae Reggae

They'd know I'm Ripping it off Can't I I see He didn't actually get A backing did he On the show They said

Fuck off And then he got Sainsbury's or something Sainsbury's or Tesco And they went We'll do it mate Because you're Such a charmer

Apparently there's a court case about the recipe as well in the end what someone said that he'd nicked it from them something like that I think yeah and he had to prove like it was his mother's recipe

and it was something like that you know what I've tasted it Paul yeah didn't care for it very much what was it flavourless or just heat it was just a bit bland heat despite the flavour

you know what I mean it was just a bit bland for me it was a bit of a bland sort of sweet slightly spicy. So you wouldn't have backed it? I wouldn't have backed it. No.

Good. Well there we go. No matter how many cheeky songs reggae songs he'd sung to me. Alright what about a time machine watch? I'm in. Alright it's a time machine

but it only takes you back a minute. At a time? Yeah. It can rewind you one minute in time. Only. But then it'll just quickly

do another minute and another minute and another minute. You could, but it's a very long-winded way to go back. What? Couldn't go back hundreds of years. It would take you forever. You press it 70,000 times.

No, but there's an adjustment period, isn't there? You can't just go plip, plip, plip, plip, plip. There's a certain phasing going on. Can we finish the game because I need to go to the toilet? I need to go to the toilet too. What do you need to do? One or two? No, I'm not going to go into that.

Judging by your wind of late. What? In your farting. Don't peel back the curtain. Mate, you've been peeling back that curtain all evening. All right. This room is... The House of Pickles.

It's sacrosanct. Fogbank. P-Super edition. It's a definite P-Super. There's an ill wind blowing off Mount Grotland. No shit. It's a microclimate. There's an ill wind blowing off Mount Groppant. No shit. It's a microclimate. It's very unhealthy.

So we are playing the Dragon's Den board game. Now, it's a simple enough board game. Basically, you get money given to you. You get 500k. I've got that, ladies and gentlemen. I've got it here. I've got 200k builds and 650k builds. Yep.

And in the competitive version of the game, you all play together, you put the thing on the ranking system and you hear the inventions. We're going to simplify it slightly. We're going to play a pared down version, special edition. Special edition.

Cheap show edition of Dragon's Den, the board game. We're going off rails slightly. Off the road. Thinking outside the box, blue sky thinking, spit and bawling some new original thoughts. Brainstorming.

Brainstorming. All that horrible business country. So, here's how we're going to do it. We're going to take turns being the person. I'd like to be a person sometimes. One day you will, little boy. You will. We're going to take turns playing the person with the invention, and the other will play themselves as the backer.

What? You started. I know, but this is simple. You started explaining it and it's so funny. Shut up. It just makes me laugh when you explain things. Right, so let me get this straight. I will take it in turns to play the person pimping the backer

and the person who has the idea. Yeah, what would that be? You call them. The contestant. One of us will play the person pimping the backer. And the person who has the idea. Yeah, what would that... What would you call them? The contestant. One of us will play the dragon and the other one will be the contestant. Yes. Right?

The dragon and the contestant. Right. So you'll be the dragon while I'm the contestant and vice versa, pair round. Yes. We're going to do it three times each, six in all, okay?

Okay. I'm going to read you the card on the back after I've read out what the invention is. If you're playing the backer, you will read me the card. Yeah. And then once I've read it to you... We'll take it in turn. Yeah, once after i read out if you're playing the backer you will read me the card yeah and then once i break it in turn once yeah once i've read it to you you can either say if it's a gold mine a hit or a flop now explain those three categories to everyone a gold mine

means the invention that i've just read out made the inventor a lot of money a lot of money these are all based i think on actual things that have appeared on the show or famous inventions that have happened just generally yeah Just generally. Yeah. Okay. So the next section is called Hit. That means it was a success, but it was all right. It was a decent return on the money that you're putting in. I'm looking for a decent return on my money.

Yeah, so, and then the last section is Flop. That means it was a crap idea. It didn't go anywhere. It was an embarrassment for all, right? Floppity, flop, flop, flop. I'll read that invention out. As the backer, you'll grill me. Little bit of banter for fun. Right? And then you'll have to put your money on whether you think it's a goldmine hit

or flop. You can split your odds so you can put it on any two. Right? I can balance my bet. Yeah, just so we've got a good chance of making a bit of money. Like a roulette analogy. You could bet one of the columns and also, you and also a number and split your bet.

Right, and then whatever it lands on, if you're correct, if it was a gold mine, you put 100 grand on that, you'd get double it back. What if it's a hit? Then it's all double back. What if it's a flop? That doesn't make sense, Paul. If I put 100 on flop and it is a flop, I make 100 grand.

Yeah, that's not true, though, is it? If it's a flop, everyone loses their money, I make 100 grand. Yeah. That's not true, though, is it? I know, but that's just what the rules are here. If it's a flop, everyone loses their money. Well, then why would you put a... Well, it's fucking stupid. Yeah, but basically the idea is for floppers. You put the money on there to say you were right, so you get the...

It's just a way of winning by saying it was a shit idea. I understand that, but it's just not very good, is it? No, not really. No. But it's the game. And that's the board of the whole game, is it? It's not. It's not much of a board.

It's just, you know... It's bullshit. Six segments. They didn't have to do that. No. They no they just had this could easily have been a card game yeah but they wanted to call it the board game didn't yeah but it was two quid from oxfam i'm not complaining nah it's a little bit of fun for the listener in it as we play drag are you ready to play but this game was was pitched on dragon's den i'm not backing it. It's a shame. I'm out. I'm out.

The Scottish one. Is it Banner Time? Banner Time. I'm Banner Time. He was the most dour. I'm Scottish. Scottish. I'm out.

I'm out. Come on, mate. Your ideas are piss poor. I'm out. Piss poor. I am the last dragon. Junior. Okay.

I'm getting excited. All right. Let's play then. Let's play. I think I'm getting excited. All right, let's play then. Let's play. I think I understand the rules. Let's play Dragon's Den. so right so who wants to go first me or you i think it should be i'll go first you're going to play the person. I'll be the dragon. The contestant.

Yeah. Okay. And you're the dragon. Hide the back, because I can see the answer on the back of this. So just read it out to me. All right. Come in, our first person. I'm the contestant.

Yeah. And I'm the dragon. Which means you read it out. No, you read it out, because you're being that person on the card. I'm getting there, Paul. This isn't like Fun City. It's not fun. It could not be Fun City.

Okay. Are you ready? I am. Wait. Come on in. Who's our next contestant on Dragon's Den? Oh, hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. I have an idea that will change the world. Oh, tell me what it is. Hanky Panky. I'm liking it so far. Hi, dragons. I was giving me a little script here. Oh, good.

That's nice. Hi, dragons. Hiya. Hello. We are... There's more of me. I can see them. We are...

Hi, I'm here as well. We are the Kimberly Clark Corporation of me. I can see them. We are... Hi, I'm here as well. We are... The Kimberly Clark Corporation of America. Oh, okay. That sounds impressive. Oh, I'm a southern belle. Oh, okay, good. You're finding your character.

We've recently invented a household item. An asshole item? Did you say asshole? It is an asshole item. Okay, good. But I meant to say household. It's a household item. Right.

Used for removing cream and makeup. Could be on your asshole. Okay. But we think we can market this as a disposable item used for something else. What's going on with this, Paul? I don't know. That's not an idea. That's a weird thing. I don't know.

Read it. Continue reading it. Read it again without the awful accident which put me off and I zoned out. Okay. The whole text. The whole text. The text in full. I want the whole poultice.

Don't mock poultices. The mock poultice. You want a fake poultice. Your pants are full of fucking chives. Yeah, we've been there. I've been there. Got mine off the dark web. I'm not wearing them.

Go on, read it out. Hanky Panky. Hi, Dragons. We are the Kimberly Clark Corporation of America. Right. We've recently invented a household item used for removing cream and makeup. Okay. But we think we can market this as a disposable item used for something else instead.

That's not a pitch. Fanny wipes. That's what they're saying. You don't have to guess that. You have to guess what it is. I have to guess now if that was successful or not. You didn't explain that.

I did. I literally did. I now have to put money. But it's a sort of riddle. You don't know exactly what it is. No, it's vague because if you knew too much you might give it away.

This is bullshit. Shut up. I'm not having fun. Stay in character. Ooh. Thank you. You could use it for cleaning your asshole. Yeah, you see, that's what they're saying.

They're saying it was built for this one thing, but they reckon they can expand it by saying you can shove it up your muff, give it a chuff around, and then put it in the bin. Oh, Mr. Gannon. Yeah? You don't talk that way to a southern lady. The little wink you gave. It was upsetting.

Right, I'm going to put money right uh right so interesting item so you can see more expansion can you so where else can you use the wipe madam stay in character come on no as i explained are you doing a fan motion is that what it is all right good i just wasn't doing it yeah so hard yeah good i got that it's because we're in texas or something no we're not we're in the bbc studios, we're not. We're in the BBC studios. It's very hard in here. All right, okay. Like Texas. I'm talking to you with a bit of improvisation now.

My tits are sweating. Right, I'm just going to skip this thing because you're ruining it. It says it's a household item. Yes. Normally. Yeah. Used for makeup removal. Removing cream.

Yeah. Don't know what kind of cream. Face creams. And makeup. but we think you'd market this as a disposable item used for something else right so yeah

you chuffer no that would still be removing cream or makeup it's for something else isn't it alright well

I don't know I'm going to say I'm going to put I don't know what are you going to say I'm going to put 50 on it hit and 50 on gold mine

alright that's what I reckon well you say you're generally backing that yeah I'm going to just back it. What are you going to say? I'm going to put 50 on it hit and 50 on goldmine. Alright? That's what I reckon. So you're generally backing that? Yeah, I'm going to just back it, but I'm not going to take a risk. Where's the bank at? It's over there. Well, if you win, you're going to need to take it off me, aren't you? No! Fucker. So what do you want to know?

I want to know the answer. Was it a goldmine hit or flop? Verdict. Goldmine! The Kimberly Clark Corporation invented the Kleenex. Oh, there you go. First marketed as an item used to remove cream.

They changed the... What does it mean? Face cream. Yeah, face cream, like a face cream remover. When I think of cream, I think of like on strawberries. Yeah, well, don't. Stop doing that. Or, you know of, like, on strawberries. Yeah, well, don't. Stop doing that. Or, you know, go on. Spank. Yes.

Spunk. Spunk is cream. Says it in the card. Good. They changed the marketing to marketing as a disposable handkerchief used for blowing noses. In 1928, the familiar box cartons were introduced with pocket packs available from 1932. Nowadays, any facial tissue is often called a Kleenex, such is the mark of this corporation left on the market.

That's exciting. Okay. Right, so I have to give myself an extra 50 now. Bringing the money over. 50. Okay. Are you ready? Impress me with this suggestion

that I might be interested in investing in. Okay. Yeah, all right, dragons. My name's Alex. Yeah, uh-huh. Hi. Hi. Shaking your hand.

Yeah, hello. Hi, hi. I'm looking forward to meeting you. I'm a big fan of yours. It just feels weird that we actually shook hands, sir. Anyway, I've invented a device that allows people to communicate

over long distances using electronic pulses. I'm just wondering if you're invested in it. Are you? Are you? My name's Alex. That's it? That's all there is, is there? Yeah. I can read the answer so I can give you some clues if you want. Oh. What else do you want to know

eh eh erm I'm going to put are you going to grill me what is it the telephone or the telegram

I don't know or the fax what do you want to do what do you want to put your money on well tell me hey just come on

I can't tell you what era are we talking oh how long ago? 1900s. Yeah, so it's the telephone, isn't it? Yeah, but it could be a failed invention from the past.

Well, I'm going with the gold mine. I've spilt the money. You're going to put what on the gold mine? I think, yes. Almost any invention I care to think of that transmits, communicates via electronic pulses has been a success. I can't think of one that isn't. Okay.

Wasn't a success, at least during their era. So you're going to say... Goldmine. 100 grand. Yeah. The answer is, hey, you're right, it was a goldmine. Wow, give me 100. My name is Alexander Graham Bell, and I invented the telephone.

He was Scottish. Bell discovered... I discovered that vibrations made the phone, I discovered that vibrations made by the phone could be picked up and exchanged into electric pulses so it could hit my assistant Thomas Watson.

He connected some vibrating reeds very tightly and when a wire was plucked, sound emanated from another reed attached to the wire and the result was the first working telephone. Okay, the news. There you go.

So you get 100 grand. I'll find that for you now, love. It's there. I see it. Just pass it over. No, it's a 50. Green. I'll need the greens.

I'm giving you the greens, innit? I'll need the cabbage, yeah? All right, I'm looking for it. Hang on. It's there. I can see it. It's not. I have to get up to 500. Just give us that. need the cabbage. Yeah? Alright, I'm looking for it. Hang on. It's there, I can see it. It's not, I have to get up to 500.

Just give us that. There you go. Right? And I get to keep this as well? Yeah. I'm winning after one round. Okay, you ready? Next card. Your next one. Different character now. Wheelie, good idea. Oh! Hi, dragons. Hey, hi. My name is Kirk Patrick.

Hi, Kirk. Nice to meet you. Welcome to the show. No, that's the whole of my first name. What? Kirk Patrick. Hi, Kirk. Nice to meet you. Welcome to the show. No, that's the whole of my first name. What? Kirk Patrick. Hello, Kirk Patrick. Welcome to the Dragons Den on Cheap Show. What have you got for us today? Well, I've invented a new form of transport, yeah,

for people to get around on, yeah. Yeah. And my invention, yeah, follows from... You're really annoying. Your voice is really annoying. Okay, yeah. My invention... I mean, genuinely,

I hate that sound you're making. My invention allows for... Stop it! Just read it. It's a character poll! You want stayed

moribund performance I'll give you stayed moribund performance go on my invention

allows for an individual to travel on two wheels as far as they want depending on their own

physical fitness could I just also add this is fucking shit what could that be this. Could I just also add, this is fucking shit. What could that be? Fuck sake. Is this for children?

What are you going to do? Is that all of it? Yeah. I'm going to put 250 on gold mine. Because it's a bike, right? It's got to be rally. A rally bike. Something like that, is it? Yes. Read it then you prick Read my win out So I can have

Hit Another 150 It's a hit Kirk Patrick Macmillan Invented the first pedal bicycle In around 1839 This was propelled By a horizontal movement

Of the rider's feet On the pedal Yeah I know how A fucking bike works The movement was transmitted To the rear wheel Through connecting rods Macmillan never thought Of patenting his invention And soon copies Began appearing Yeah, I know how a fucking bike works. So it wasn't a goldmine?

Yeah, but they say it's a hit. Yeah, you lose. So it's a hit. Just put the money back in the bank. I'm sorry. Yeah, it wasn't because he didn't patent it. I got a bit trigger happy. You did, you really did there.

So, I continue to win. It's not looking good for you, Paul. So, come on, read out another card. Oh, you know what? I'm just going to say to the other dragons here, I really haven't been impressed with the standard so far. I'm really looking to invest some money. Yeah?

I'm hoping someone's got some kind of poultice holster. All right. Holster. I mean, was it holster? Poulter holster. Poulter holster. Poulter holster. Yeah.

Hello. Hello there. Hello. What have you got to show us today? Come on. We are Patricia and Amy. All right there, dog mates. Hello, Patricia. Hello, Amy. there hello what have you got to show us today come on we are patricia and amy hello patricia hello amy hello and we both know kids who suffer from asthma and have been and have seen them feel embarrassed by their inhalers uh you know because they look a bit daft a bit weird they don't want to get out now i know because my daughter we have disguised we have

designed my daughter who has asthma oh that's Are you not going to respond to this? I am. Yes, hello. That's terrible. I don't... She's very embarrassed. Yes, well, hopefully we can fix that. Very embarrassed by her inhaler.

Well, what we can... Because we've got a special one. What we can... It looks like a massive knob. Fuck off. Can you imagine what a child sucking a massive cock when it's having an asthma attack? It's embarrassing for the child.

It's traumatising for everyone. Read out the rest of the card. I'm not doing this anymore. We have designed a disguise for inhalers in the form of a plush panda. That is a joy to carry around. So that's what we've got. We've got little masks for inhalers. See, that's an actual one.

That's not like a... There's different ones, aren't there? Yes, good, that. But we're going to call it a cuddly choke. Put 50 grand on a hit. You're going to put it on... Give me some change. I've only got hundreds.

Do I? No, I've got 50s, right? Yeah, you should have some 50s. Here's a 50. All right, you're going to put 50 on what? Hit. Hit. All right.

Let's find out what happens in the future. You're using a time watch. does it go forward as well? This new one does. It's not Mark 2. It does it very quick, I see. It's got a bigger range? No, but it's streamlined. It's running on the new Android KitKat.

This was a flop. Patricia and Amy do have a patent for their creation but it is as yet unreleased. It was seen as a novelty and people thought

that asthma shouldn't be something you're ashamed of. So it's a flop. That's the whole argument. That's a flop. I don't think people

are embarrassed by their inhaler. Were you ever embarrassed by your inhaler? No. I love my inhaler. You used to have this one that you used to put a little pill in. You don't see those are embarrassed by their inhalers. Were you ever embarrassed by your inhaler? No. I love my inhaler. I used to have this one that you used to put a little pill in, like a little capsule.

You don't see those so much these days, do you? It's because they have to be CFC-free, by and large. No, but they had no gas in them. The ones where you put a little tablet and it breaks the tablet. It's got powder. You suck it in and it goes, whoo. It's a powder inhaler. There's no gas at all.

You're literally just sucking powder into your... Yeah, I used to have that. I've had all kinds of inhalers in my life. Were you embarrassed by it? No, never. If it went... Every time you did it, that would be embarrassing. Yeah.

It went... You know what I mean? Every time it went... I'd be like... I'd be embarrassing, yeah, but no. Right, so... I've started my period! Your last one.

Here's the card. Okay, ready? No, I'm not going to do an accent for this. Hi, welcome to Dragon's Den. Hello. Hi, my name's Paul. What would you like to invest in the Cheap Show Dragon's Den? This is a sushi system.

Oh, okay, I like this. Tell me more. My name is Mr. Len Sun. Len Sun. Yeah. I love sushi. Okay, cool. I love sushi. Okay, cool. Let's act.

I love it. I absolutely love it. I know. You like fish? I like fish. You like dead, cold fish? Well, it's better than eating live, warm fish. Yeah.

Good point. Are you some kind of monster? Yeah. You bite the head off like living cod. Yeah. Living cod. I've got myself crying, talking, sleeping, walking. Living card. Got myself crying, talking,

sleeping, walking, living card. Right. So you like sushi, that's good, isn't it? Tell me more. I love sushi, Paul.

Excellent. I love sushi, but... Okay. It's difficult to choose sushi from a menu. Yeah. Because it's better to be able to see it.

Fair enough. You want to see the sushi. Because a lot of people, Westerners, are a bit afraid of it. You don't know it. You know, you want to see the sushi. Because a lot of Westerners are a bit afraid of it. You don't know what you're getting. You want to see the sushi. Yeah, no, it makes sense. You know, it's just some name on a page and you don't know what it is. It's foreign, isn't it?

So you can't read it. And you go, yeah. So I've developed a method. What's this then? A method for sushi display that allows anyone in the restaurant to see the fishy treats pass before their eyes. Oh, hello. Fishy treats. That's a nightclub I went to once.

Come on in, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to fishy treats. You're going to love it. So, okay. It's a visual menu thing where you can see the sushi. Oh, 50-50. I'm going to put it all on gold mine, because I think it's yo sushi, is it?

Do you want the verdict? Yeah. Flop! What? Flop. Flop. What? You've lost all your money, mate.

You've just lost all your money. Why? That was yo sushi. No, it wasn't. It's flop. Mr. Lee's son's system is not, as you might believe, the conveyor belt system that you see in most sushi bars. Fuck. Oh, he leapt too soon.

He thought it was Yo Sushi. It was, however, inspired by it. In Len Son's version, the conveyor belt was actually small canals with a mild current. Wow. This I'd like to see.

Yeah. And the sushi was perched on very small boats. This is brilliant. Yeah. Quite a complex system. It had closable loops, diversions, and even a wheelchair access area. Although genuinely patented, it has not become commonplace. No.

Because then you treat the water all the time in case it gets mouldy or the food falls in. But as a beautiful vision, it's a delightful vision to have food. I'd love that. A little sushi roll on it comes past. And you can have little mice in the middle. Yeah, rowing it. Rowing it along.

What, scouse mice? Yes. They're the only ones that do the work. Alright, well then it's my last go. This is the part of the show where... So it's all gravy for me. You could...

I've basically won. You have no money and I have more money. Yeah. You have lost. Unless I lose... We draw if I lose all my money. Yeah, which you're not going to do

because you could just save 50 of it and win. Yeah. So can we just... I've won. All right. Well, in that case, who can I read this out to then?

Well, we do have a very special guest who's been waiting, Paul and I mean he needs no introduction from me. Here he comes. Oh no. Just get it done! Hello! You murdered our friend, Ash.

Now, listen, I'm very sorry about that. It had to be done at the time. Richard Brandoff here. It's Richard Brandoff. Listen, Deborah, look, just wait out there. I'll deal with it later. Right, what's all this then? Yeah.

Do I win? You killed Ash which again, not all that bothered because frankly, he's getting old, that character. A lot of people know this but Ash isn't an act. He's actually another voice that you do, Eli. Isn't that right, mate? Yeah, that's right.

We'd have to do that character more. But Keith, Keith, you crossed a line. Listen, I've got something that's got to deal with that now. This document is to be opened, but not around me. Right. See, this is why we've agreed to come back on, because you said you could help us bring Keith back. I can help you.

Yeah, but I don't see how you can. Listen, I'm a man who does not like to fail. In fact, when I fail, I flagellate myself and I treat myself to anal bleaches. Okay. That's intensive anal bleaching sessions administered by my secretary. Richard, your

diary's full for Thursday. I told you to shut up! Oh, but you've got a dinner appointment. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Angeline, I've told you, just wait outside. Oh, it's cold outside, though. Don't

make me angry. Okay, can we move on, please? Now, here's this document. The Keith, it says, you'll notice it says, for Keith's eyes don't make me angry okay can we move on please now here's this document this the Keith it says you'll notice it says for Keith's eyes only he doesn't have any eyes

he certainly doesn't now that I've machine gunned him we've currently got him in a box in the garden rough rough and watch this

this piece of parchment this piece of shit just hold on to that for Keith's eyes only Halloween now listen 2018 of parchment, this piece of shit. Just hold on to that. For Keith's eyes only, Halloween 2018. Fuck off, mate. Just let us get this done as agreed,

and then I want you gone from Cheap Show forever. Good, Paul. Now, Ruff, I'll tell you how I made my money in this game we call the hard game of life. Yep. By exploiting women. Fuck you. That's it, basically. By exploiting women. Fucking hell. That's it, basically.

Well, at least you're honest. Yes. King of sanitary towel manufacture. Yes, you are, aren't you? Yes. You are slot wipes, aren't you? That's your company. Don't try and vilify me, okay?

When is your court case? Fanny Towels was the name of my company. Fanny Towels, yes, sorry. Yes. With a subsidiaryary Vag Slickers We're just Richard We're going to get through this

And then you're going to leave And then we're done here Alright Fine fair enough I've got an appointment anyway Veronica What you want? Put my appointment back by five minutes

How many minutes? Five. Oh, but you're already ten minutes late. I'll tell you what, Paul. It really burns my whistle when I have these terribly performed secretaries. Yeah, go on. What I used to do myself, and they were much better, and they didn't have a shit accent.

It was just rote. Oh, you're so witty. You're not anything to do with me, strange person. Oh, your five o'clock appointment's gone AWOL. I don't know who that is. I'm sorry. I apologise. Can we just get on with this? Can I just read

you this card, please? Right, here we go. Cheesecake surprise. Cheesecake. Expert at that Yes Hello my name is Daniel Grubert And I love a cheesecake I don't know what this accent is but I'm just going to go with it I love it so much

That I want to be able to eat A small portion on the run So I designed a way To carry a piece around with you Ready for scuffing With no plates and no forks. Cheesecake holder. That's right. Sorry.

That's right. Problem with accents. You've got a real problem. Yeah, my name is Daniel Grubert, and I have a cheesecake surprise. You've got a cheesecake holder? Yeah, you can hold it in your hand. I've just got a few questions Before I invest my hard earned money

Yeah That I've made from Exploiting the women Vagina excavators Right I'm a busy man Pissed tissues I've got some questions

No not pissed tissues Why not? Because you're crude and unruly. Fanny towels. No, no, no. It's got some class. No, your company doesn't. It's got five class actions against it.

You've been investigated for all kinds of embezzlement, sexual exploitation. Fowler brillos, That's what it was called. Actually, so... So, anyway, what do you think of my... I've got some questions. Yes, hello. Is it see-through?

Can I see the cake as I'm carrying it around? This individual cake slice-let, as it were. No, it's more of a... It's more like an ice cream sandwich. Oh, so he's made a way of encasing the delicious cheesecake in some kind of...

That's right. I read Daniel Gilbert. That's right. I think... I've never heard of this. Oh, that's because it's new. I'm peeping. It's new. So I'm going to say it's a flop. And I'm only going to put £50,000 on so I can gloat. Or Eli can when I leave's because it's you. I'm pimping it new. So I'm going to say it's a flop. And I'm only going to put 50 grand on so I can gloat. Or Eli can when I leave. Because he's my main guy.

Yeah? Yeah, he would associate with a man like you, wouldn't he? Listen, I'm going to do things for you and this show in the future. You can only imagine. Right, well, sure. I'll look forward to that. I've got a new business. I just want to mention that here.

Yeah? Yes. And it's going to be great. It's called Bum Pluggers. Good. Right. Good. It's for when you don't wipe your arse properly.

And God knows it's happened to me. I sometimes forget to wipe my arse. Yeah. I was wondering if you were talking about you as Eli then. Or actually you as the character. Of course I'm fucking not. I don't know. Do I?

I don't know. You might be projecting. I'm Richard. Richard Brandoff. Ruff,'t know, you might be projecting. I'm Richard. Richard Brandoff. Ruff, ruff, ruff. Has a dirty arse. No, I sometimes. You have a shitty arsehole.

You don't wipe properly because you're a busy man. Yes. I'm very busy. I have several meetings. You haven't got time to wipe. I have to beat my mistress. God almighty. And I'm going for a flop here.

Bum pluggers, everybody. Hello, the answer is hello. It is a flop. You are correct. More money. Daniel, I'm not doing that in a voice. Daniel secured a patent with his co-inventor Robert for a cheesecake wedge. It was a single slice of cheesecake on a stick looking like a bizarre ice cream.

Fucking. You could unwrap it and eat it from the stick whenever you felt the urge for some cheesecake. And you could carry it around with you wherever you went. It was a flop. Now, just two things. Yes. Bum stoppers. I'm not getting investing in that.

Three things. Bum stoppers. I'm Richard Brandoff. And just remember that document. You're a psychopath. It will come in. Who threatened to kill me last week. And Eli.

I'm glad I did. You killed Ash. It gave me a sexual buzz on. I was spunking all the time. Yeah, funny enough, Eli actually had a sexy accident when he thought he'd been shot at. So it's funny how you and him

have a lot in common when it comes to sexual violence. I don't know what you're talking about. You two are both sheer of sexual violence fetish, which I find really unsettling. I can spooge constantly, all day long.

You fucking can't. Yes, I can. You wouldn't be able to think straight if you came non-stop. I can spooge all day long and it's thanks to my patented... It's what? Spooge. Robocock. What is the benefit?

Sorry, Richard. What is the benefit of a pill you take that makes you... A pill? It's not a pill. It's an implant. I've got Robocock. Okay. What's the point of an implant?

What's the point of an implant that makes you cum 24-7? Well, you wouldn't know because you're not a man. Not a real man. So a real man would know what it'd be like to gurn his loins every waking moment and sleeping moment. I'm weeping droplets of pre-cum as we... What is the fucking... What is this?

What is this podcast? I don't know. What is this? What is this podcast? I don't know, Paul. Why are you saying that? I think Richard's going anyway, Paul, okay? Ruff, ruff, that's all I wanted to say. Don't forget, Eli. He's going to need that piece of paper about Keith later. Ruff, ruff.

Deborah, what's my new appointment, you fucking cow? Ruff, ruff, ruff. What is happening to my life right now? There's a friend of mine pretending to be three people. He's gone. Eli's off. Good. He's gone.

He's gone, Paul. He's gone. What was he talking about? I just kind of zoned out. You know what's gone, Eli? My sanity. That's what's gone. Anyway, we've got to wrap the show up, Paul.

That was Gannon's games. Gannon's golden games. Yes. And I won. Yeah. I really did. Massively. I thought you were going to go for a flop on that last one where you lost all the money.

No, I got cocky. So, do you want to know how much I've got? How much did you end up with? I had a 50k that Richard can't money. Aye, I got cocky. So, do you want to know how much I've got? How much did you end up with? Let me just count mine. Oh, nothing. I got 1k, 2k, 3k,

100k, 400k, 500k, 600k. So let me just make sure you definitely won that one before we go any further. I certainly did. Yeah, you did. So congratulations.

You obviously know how to spot a sure thing. It's kind of a guessing game. They've kind of combined a lot of things in that, haven't they? Yeah. There's a trivia sort of aspect to it. It's not that bad. It's a bit of fun. It's more complicated when you play it with more people

and you have to bet on it and stuff. And you get strategy cards that Oh there are strategy cards as well. Yeah a card that says your next player must put X

amount down no matter what he bets. Okay. Like a little kind of you know community chess type stuff.

And you just go around I suppose. Yeah there's no board to move around. And then what the winner is the one who wins all the

money in the end? After six after three things each. So it's always that. It's always six. So you can and many people play

three rounds each person. Yeah, people can put money across. But you can only bet on one thing when you do it that way, not split your bet, like we played. I just wanted to make sure someone could make money.

Didn't work for me. It certainly didn't. But I reckon out of five, that's a good three and a half board game. Yeah, it's okay. It's past the time. I think I had a bit of fun with it. I would have preferred

a bit more of a visual element on the actual board itself. Yeah, you do get chips to put. Yeah, it's okay. It's past the time. I think I had a bit of fun with it. I would have preferred a bit more of a visual element on the actual board itself. You do get chips to put on, but it's nothing more than just securing your bet. It's just a flurry. So do you have that piece of paper that Richard...

Yes. Because you did make a show of crumpling it up. It's in the bin. I think we should hold on to that. Well, it says we can't do anything with it until Halloween, so let's just hold on to it.

Yes, everybody. Yes, it is it just looks like a piece of parchment from an old book oh fascinating now is it the end of the show now have you got

compass mentors yes let's end the show and that's cheap Show for another day. You're going to love it no matter what you say. It's the Cheap Show. Doodly-doo. Goodbye and come back again.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Right, that's it. So, hello. Welcome back to Cheap Show. It's not back. Paul. If you would like to donate to us on Patreon and support this daft podcast. Thank you so much if you are. Thank you very, very much.

You have made it possible for me to purchase a brilliant thing that you rejected. And the scampi fries were purchased with that money as well, Paul. Excellent. And thank you, everybody. Patreon.com forward slash cheap show. I've got a new regime for the beard. Oh, the nuzzle regime. The nuzzle regime.

Yeah. And it's to do with fish oil, because that is the stickiest of oils. Is it? And the most fragrant. What do you do? Just maintenance? I wait for it to be windy, Paul. Yeah.

Yeah. I go out, and I've got this app which tells me the density of patrons in a certain area. I go for a very dense area. And then I try and find an alleyway where the wind is whistling. Then I get some very concentrated, strong fish oil and rub it into my beard. And it's sort of like an aroma nuzzle, Paul. It fills with my beady fish breath. Oh, I like that.

It's like an aromatherapy kind of thing that you do. No, it's not therapy. No? It's traumatising. Yeah, it's a nuzzle. It's a nose nuzzle. It's a nuzzle wash. It's a fishy nose nuzzle.

It's a fishy nuzzle blast. No, but in all honesty, thank you very much for supporting us. Thank you very much. We do really appreciate it, and it helps us do many, many wonderful things, like afford to pay for badges, enamel badges, that you can now get at the live show again provided they get delivered in time for the live show well we hope they're good they'll get delivered at some point odds are good um but they're very cool the design is very cool uh they're going to be their little metal enamel

pins i think we're going to like six quid i think it's fair i think well i'm only available at the live show unless we have a load left over in which case we'll have a van outside your house and you can pop out and go I like that one and then we'll sell it to you we'll have a van outside their house can I fish it up

can I get a massive big chunky poultice of my poultice holster it's a modified one in fact it's a modified one. In fact, it's a modular one. It's a modular system, Paul. I've just realised

it is a modular system. It's exciting science. You put a poultice module, you can, do you know what I mean? You can slot a different poultice cassette into the poultice gusset

of your holster. But anyway, I'm going to be going off-road and I'm going to have a huge, just basically, a nappy filled with poultices. Poultice. Yeah. Several poultice.

Good. That's something to look forward to. We'll be outside your house with our van, with Eli in a poultice nappy and me selling badges. My beard's all fished up. It's all fishy fished Follow us on Twitter I'm at Paul Gannon Show

Eli is I've got anchovy granules Is Eli snowed E-L-I-S-N-O-I-E-D There's no E S-N-O-I-D E-L-I-S-N-O-I-O-I-D Just focus

We're nearly at the end. I'm focused, mate. Right. I'm 100%. What do you need from me? Just focus. I am focused. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D

And email us anything you want. It could be an Ask Silverman. It could be a tell us on the shop floor. Whatever. Get in touch. Thecheapshow at gmail.com. And we're on Facebook and Tumblr and all that kind of stuff and we're going to get pictures of everything in the show yes there are and they'll be on the website the

cheap show.co.uk and before that www. www. www.thecheapshow.co.uk and that's it uh thank you we're back next week for more cheap show stuff how do we it? Because I'm generally asking at this point. I don't know what happened to you in that last segment. Richard Brandoff, he has an effect on you. I'm just hoping that's the last time I have to deal with him because I'm close to killing him. Genuinely. Yeah.

I mean, we should be telling the police because he's a murderer. Well. But that would open up plot holes. I don't want to get into that. Okay, Paul. I'll see you next week, I guess. See you next week. Do you fancy a cuddle? No, absolutely

not. Can I stay over tonight? Yeah, yes. So, basically, you're staying here more now that you've moved to London than when Canebro. It's easier. You've moved to a part of London that is harder to get to than Canebrusher.

Cambridge. What's that place called? You can cuddle. No, come on. Then the show may mean you going to bed and having a cuddle. No, absolutely. Categorically. I'm pushing him away.

It's happening. It's sexy time. Goodbye, everybody. Bye. We're going to have lots of fun and I'm going to bash that poultice