CheapShow - Ep 96: A New Low

Episode Date: October 5, 2018

What happens when Paul relinquishes responsibility of CheapShow and demands Eli dictate the order of events? Well, it's possibly be a new low for the podcast... But we say that a lot. In a baggier, more loose and frankly deeply troubling episode of CheapShow, we promise one collection of features and then give you something completely different all together. Paul and Eli talk cheap medicine, dive through some more Tales from the Shop Floor and cram in a Price of Shite with that "Bought, Found, Given" twist! Everything is wrapped up in a game of The Great Debate... eventually. Warning: Spare a thought for Poindexter and avoid the wails of Madam Rabbitplops and Squelchy Jim! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Recording. Go on. Go on. Compose yourself. Professional now. Professional minds on. Cheap shows recording. We're ready to go. Professional brains on.

We're in the house of pickles. Professional brain on. Hello, I've got my professional brain on. And I'm Eli. Eli. It's a cheapap Show, everybody. Hello. And here's Paul Gannon.

He's the other guy who does it. Hello, welcome to Cheap Show. Ha ha ha ha ha. Are you going to do the music now? Yeah. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. fucking noodle posse. Tales from the Dance Floor How's the Big Guy? The Price of Shite This is where Gunn and Tate hello

Eli Silver Welcome to Cheap Show Slick Yep, and at this point I'd like to say I just came out of the toilet for a winky You came out of the toilet for a winky? Now you're going to have to break that down Paul and explain it to me

You came out of the toilet for a winky and pray tell i went for a piss okay i went for a piss that isn't clear from the expression i came out of the toilet for a winky it's not okay good glad you admit that yeah i was just gonna say how it smelled beefy in there. Oh, come on now, look, now, listen. Paul, in all honesty... It smelled like a steak and kidney fray bentos pie.

This is it, this is a new low. Officially, I didn't know you would do this today. I thought we were going to be professional. It really unnerved me the smell it felt familiar and yet i don't know yeah it's like a warning okay it's a warning it's a warning from nature mother nature the the ineffable oceanic beast that she is anyway hello welcome to the cheap show

it's the economy comedy podcast we go through the bargain bins the pound lands and the bargain basements of Great Britain

bargain twice we go through the charity shops bargain basements pound shops of Great Britain thrift stores flea markets

of Great Britain jumble sales bazaars car boot sales lemonade stands of great britain and bring you our findings to say hey austerity it's not so no it's awful that was mate i really built up to something what do we say try again paul and we go through this and that and this and that and this and that to bring you stuff and to say... Life's not bad, is it? Oh, fuck me.

It's all right. I'd say that we will finally be all right. When the mediocrity, when suddenly, when you're faced with the naked mediocrity of yourself, that's when the songs come out. There was a little pause and you just thought, this is mediocre. This whole thing's mediocre.

He's not wrong. He's not wrong, ladies and gentlemen. He's not wrong. So, welcome to Cheap Show. How are you, Eli? I've not been too bad. Well, I've had a bit of a lingering viral. Yeah.

Sort of, you know, it's this time of year. I had that the other day. It's this time of year, isn't it? Everyone's got the allergy. The weather changes. Ooh. Do you feel? Ooh.

Ooh. Give me a little something mentholiptously. Mentholiptus. Yeah. That's a thing. That is a word. I've got a Vicks vapor stick. Is it mentholiptus?

Yeah. It is. That's the point of Vicks. Because you go, oh, yeah. And then that, you know, gets you by. And you can breathe a bit more easily for a bit. Yeah. Can you really, though? Do you know gets you by and you can breathe a bit more easily for a bit

yeah can you really though do you know what though this is an interesting I think it's all just a bit of a placebo menthol well no I mean

because you know what it does it sort of numbs that's why they put it in cigarettes originally because it kind of numbs yes so it makes it less painful

to have the nasty smoke do you know they're banning menthol cigarettes oh yeah it's it's Britain gone crazy bonkers cocker bonkers PC you can't have your to have the nasty smoke. You know, they're banning menthol cigarettes as well. It's Britain gone crazy bonkers. Cocker bonkers, PC. You can't have your menthol facts.

Oh, let's leave the EU. But, and I think that they put it in things for your nose because it just sort of seems to relieve it. It's still nice to have. It's a nice effect.

It's pure placebo. But it brings me to a point that is pretty on topic for Cheap Show. So I was watching a video online about this guy who appeared on this morning. And he said, you know, you can get your brand headache pills, you know, your paracetamol, ibuprofen. And then you can get the like the 55p ones you get in like pound lights or whatever.

He goes, you need to look because, and it's got a very long story short. If you read the certain code in the back, you'll know what ingredients are in each. And so effectively, you'll realise that the big super name brands are using the exact same ingredients. I was aware of this. Drugs, it's a priority, what are they called? Like the name of a drug.

Paracetamol is not the name of a brand. No. It is the name of the substance. So you look at the, yeah. Yeah. That is paracetamol. There is no difference.

If you buy whatever, not Nurofen because that's ibuprofen whatever that what's the fucking aspirin like anodine anodine it's paracetamol yeah but they put they put two quid on it but anyway it just means i've been looking at stuff on the shelves and comparing it and going oh that's the same for that it goes to like does okay it's not that i'm pimping doesaz. Oh my God. I was asked to buy some, you know, laundry gels. Welcome to a new segment of Cheap Show,

Paul's Consumer Boredom. Every fucking now and then this show should at least attempt to be informative. Have some dry consumer talk. Anyway, compared... What did you find, Daz?

Was it twice as fresh? Paul, was it three times as fresh? Or was it all bouncy? Fucking hell. Bouncy. Trying to actually add content. Oh, I'm smelling it. How about this, Paul? I'm bousy. Fucking hell. Bousy. Trying to actually add content. Oh, I'm smelling it.

How about this, Paul? I'm smelling it for the first time. I've changed to Daz for the first time. Yeah. Yeah. All right, what are you saying? Sorry. I'm just saying that when I looked at the cheap Daz

and then the expensive Purcell, the little gels, the exact same ingredients. The difference was the colour of them. But you're also paying for whatever aromatic sort of mix that they have. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but some people, they get into the smell of a certain product. Do you see what I mean? And then that's the one they want.

But that's how they work because they're all essentially doing the same thing. You're absolutely right. So I just bought the Daz. That's how they trick you. Especially the drugs. It's outrageous. Like ibuprofen, you can get a pack for 60p. And then if you buy Nurofen, exactly the same chemical.

Yeah. It's like £3.60. Yeah. Because they have some special agent in them. And it's like, what is it? It's in plain sight. But people still make the decision to go for the brand. Exactly.

Because it's trusted. Do you know what I mean? It's there. No one's people still make the decision to go for the brand. Exactly, because it's trusted. Do you know what I mean? It's there. No one's going to try and say these aren't exactly the same thing. No. They'll tell you. Do you know what I mean? These are exactly the same thing.

Do you want the Neurofen? Yes. Yeah. Job done. People, so stupid. Stupid. What? Right.

So anyway. Anyway. On the show today, you know what, Eli? What is on the show today, you know what? What do you want to do on the show today you know what Eli well what is on the show today you know what you pick what do you want to do on the show today

um hmm um what would you like to do what would I like to do yeah I'd like to do from our roster

what would you like to do I need to sort out those records and the no but show related what do you mean show related what show segments would you like to do I don't know.

Price of Shite? Let's do a Price of Shite then. Yay! And I'll tell you what, I'll do my Price of Shite, the one where I find something, have something given to me, and something I've bought.

And you must find out which one is which. It's a little variant. And I have to say, Paul, I do poo-poo you. But that was pretty cool. It's nice, isn't it? And also, can I just add at this point? Yeah.

I also get a go for extra points by guessing the price of the thing. Yeah, you do. That was boring, right? Yeah, you do. So there is a price guessing element. It's boring for a little bit of fun. It keeps it tethered to the original format. Yeah.

But it's gone off on a whole spin-off series. Yeah. It's nice, isn't it? It's the variety our listenership love. It's the plentiful amount of ideas that... It's the herb crust. It's the plates we spin. It's the herb crust on our beef brisket.

You like that? No. No. Didn't work for me. It is... It's the... Oh, right. What will work better for you? I know what will work better for you. Yeah. It's the spunky crust! It's not the spunky cross. I was going to say the delicate tinsel on a Christmas tree. The tinsel?

The tinsel on a Christmas tree. Well, I'm just going to go leave the toilet to have a niffy, or whatever you say. What are you talking about? What did you say? I had a winky. Yeah, I said I had a winky. You had a winky. I left the toilet to have a winky.

Right, anyway, we're moving on. Oh, I left the toilet to have a winky, left the toilet to have a winky, left the toilet to have a winky. Do you have any platter? Do you have any platters? Do you want to do platters? Yeah, got some platters. Yeah? Yes.

All right, good. Well, that's great. What else? Do you want to play a game? We've got some games. I quite like games. Now, Paul, I saw this game Stack Market. Oh, here we go.

In the charity shop. I'd rather we talk about his poos. Seven quid. His big growling poos. No. It was a combination of dexterity game and wagering game. Yeah. I didn't like the look of it.

Not that I didn't like the look of it. I showed it to Paul, everybody. And the board game. Yeah. I didn't like the look of it. Not that I didn't like the look of it. I showed it to Paul, everybody. And the board game. Come on. No. Come on, ladies and gentlemen. Are you trying now? That's me golden material, that is.

Come on, love. You enjoying yourself? No. Tell your fucking face. There you are. That's an old one. That's not yours. Are you in showbiz, mate?

Tell your face. It's so hacky, man. Get your foot off the fucking stage. I like you. Come on, I don't go to where you work and say something derogatory. You go to the toilet? What, have you got some kind of bladder infection? Oh, what's wrong with you?

You piss flaps are all leaky! Right? I'm getting to this. Hey, who's had fish? Oh, what does that mean? Oh, come on. What does that mean? Oh, I'll tell you what, ladies and gentlemen. Who's had fish?

It's my best stuff. Fuck off off the stage, you. So, have I... Paul, have I chosen all three segments? So we've got a platter shite. Yeah. Platter. Platter.

Platter, platter. And then a game. A game of some sort, yeah. Well, that got a platter. Yeah. Platter. Platter. Platter, platter. And then a game. A game of some sort, yeah. Well, that's a packed show. Yeah. Can we stop talking now? No, we have to talk for another... I mean, this segment.

Oh, it's not a very nice way of doing it. Or professional. Say something witty then. Okay. Come on. Come on, mate. All right. Say something witty.

Paul. If you can make me laugh, I'll end the segment. Paul. Yeah. Look down there. Oops, you're a me laugh, I'll end the segment. Paul? Yeah? Look down there. Oops, you're a divock. A divock? Yes.

What's a divock? Exactly. But what is it? It's from a rarefied world of put-downs you will never like, so you will never know. You divock. Right. You're a willock fairy. What was it you said?

Abartians? Dick boys? Dick boys, yeah. Dicky boys or something. Willy boys. Willy boys. What did that mean? Come on, if you have to explain it, you know what it means.

You are one. I don't care. I don't care. All right, good. What? want to do ten minutes of letters you asked me you said it was my choice

what bits we're doing alright you want to do letters then tales from the shop fluo do you ever look at some of the I've not to be fair

because things have been busy with me moving house and everything lately and settling down what's this Paul is it you me playing the world's small violin

it's me playing nee nee nee I am the storyteller And my story must be told I had to move Come Cambridge to Londro And that was quite stressful I haven't had time To do anything

At all Okay. I've got a letter. Yeah, but I'm going for it now Haven't had time to do anything at all. Okay. I've got a letter. Yeah, but I'm going for it now, and it's actually quite sad. I'm not going to read it out, because I'll just give you a few words. Stab. Suicide. Preschool.

Bloody hell. Robbery. So maybe... I thought you had some prepared, Paul. No, I told you I didn't. That's why I wasn't expecting to do this segment. But then you were like... You said letters.

You said we were going to change the name of it from Tales from the Shop Floor to Letters. This is just letters. There are letters. Let's do one letter. God, this show's fucking falling apart. It really is. It's not. We used to have

segments. This is a segment. But you wanted to do letters. I know. I can't read that. Stab. Suicide. You know. Anyway, would you like to read the letter? I could discuss Mount Groppants overlooking the source trough.

How would that work? How would that benefit us? Well, while you look for some shit. I've already found one. All right, good. Do you want to read it? Yes. The letter to us here at Cheap Show, is it, Paul? Yes, it is.

Scroll. There you go. Hello, Paul and Eli. Yeah. Now, remember to read into the mic as well, because we want to hear your lovely voice. Hello, Paul and Eli. Hello. I hope you're in an awesome mood and having a great time working on a new episode of Cheap Show.

We are. As it happens. As we are. We are. Yes. Yes. Yes. So I wanted to share with you some tales from the shop floor.

Special edition from Poland. Before I get to the actual story, I need to provide a little introduction. Now, Eli, you don't like context. So how is this going? Obviously. What? Obviously, in in Poland we have stores with used clothing and other

pre-owned stuff. Okay. These stores however, unlike charity shops in the UK, don't obtain the items from donations. What? I believe there is a huge supplier network for used stuff which provides sales of used clothing etc. Stores in Poland buy used stuff in

bulk from this supplier network huh so where do they get them from they must thrift them as in they must go and pick them up or what you leave them in a bag and they collect yeah that type of thing yeah and they sort it all out and they distribute yeah but it's not donated perhaps they just not directly donated interesting interesting uh i think about 90 percent of used clothes And items sold in Poland Come from the UK What? Now is the funny part

I would have said That's funny My clothes Go British clothes Going over the It's disgusting I've got to Shit my pants

And then get shipped To Poland What do I do? Why is everything Shit your pants? Why is everything Shit your pants? Well we've moved on from wanking.

We've moved down. We've moved around the corner where chocolate's made. Right. Milk, milk, lemonade. Yeah, no, I'm aware of this schoolyard chant. Right, sorry. Okay. You started the thing. Now is the funny part.

Good. It's only an assumption, but I think most of the stuff that goes to Polish thrift stores are actually things that didn't sell in British charity shops. So bounce back. Yeah. Trickle down. Trickle up and then down. I have to say that most of the stuff is trash.

Right. But it's possible to find something nice from time to time. Now, for the story itself. Today I visited one of those shops and mindlessly went through stuff they had. I wasn't looking for anything specific. Usually I look out for quality stuff like items in good condition, made from decent materials, etc. I noticed a wooden vase.

A wooden vase? It was rather weirdly shaped, and that's why I picked it up, which I now regret. It was round and rather... What? I don't know. I just had a little twinge. Is that what you call it?

It was round and rather flat, made from nice thick wood and was missing a lid. It was placed amongst bowls and plates so one could assume it was meant for keeping the food, but the opening at the top was rather small

and it would be rather difficult to fish stuff out of the inside. Intrigued, I turned it upside down to see if there was maybe a tag or a name of the producer at the bottom which would maybe give me a hint yeah and what this vase was for yeah i think we know don't we well there was no tag and no producer name however there was a writing there i mean i think there was writing is what they mean yeah and oh And oh boy, why did I pick it up? The writing said John Lewis Ash

12-4-1991. Oh. Oh dear. So there you go. It was an urn for the ashes of poor John Lewis, sold in Polish thrift store as a lovely container for your sugar maybe. What happened to the ashes? Obviously they weren't in there anymore. They'd been

sort of eaten. They got mouldy, all clumping on the sugar maybe. What happened to the ashes? Obviously they weren't in there anymore. They'd been sort of eaten. They got mouldy all clumping on the inside maybe. Do they? Well, if you think of it, ash is basically like

when it gets wet it gets all like clay. I guess it got moisture in it. Yeah. So maybe it got moisture. He turned it over and he didn't say

a bunch of ash fell out. Which is where I thought it was going to go. He ended up pouring all John Lewis. And when he says John Lewis I thought he meant it was made in John. He ended up pouring all John Lewis. And when he says John Lewis, I thought he meant it was made in John Lewis.

Yeah. Might be. No. What, John Lewis, and it's made of ash, the tree ash. Yeah. You could have just got this totally wrong. Maybe.

This is another case for CSI. No. It was writing. It wasn't like an imprint. It wasn't printed on. It was made by John Lewis. I think we've uncovered a fraud. Oh yeah? Yeah, we got uncovered a fraud. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, we got this fraud case. We got this guy claiming he's got... Who are you? If I'm the detective, what are you explaining it for? I'm the lieutenant who's explaining it to the detective. Oh, you're the lieutenant? Yeah, I'm lieutenant... Yeah?

Biscuits. Oh, my fucking God! Tell this guy to get out of here. It's the biscuits guy again. They. Excuse me. Hello. Yeah.

Is that front desk? Get this guy, biscuits guy, out of here. The biscuits guy is here. I'm trying to investigate this fucking ash bucket thing. This is the crime of the century. Listen. This is the crime of the century. Listen.

And I have hot tips. Listen, biscuits, you asshole. I got some hot tips. Listen, Biscuits, you asshole. I got some hot tips. This is the last time. Get off of me. You're impersonating a police officer for the last time. Get off of me. Put him in the cell.

I gotta crack this case. Put him in the nasty cell which someone's puked in. Smell the puke, Biscuits boy. You're going down the wrong alley, Detective. Only I, Jimmy Biscuits, can solve this case. And you'll regret it. You'll regret it. Get him out of here.

Sheesh, that Biscuits guy really pushes my nipple ring. So there you go. Back to the story. P.S. Yeah. How are things going with the mailbox? I really wish to send you the cheapest of the Polish snacks and foods. I'd like that, Marta.

Thank you, Marta, for that. Interesting little story, Marta. I'd like that, Marta. Thank you, Marta, for that. Interesting little story, Marta. Thank you very much, Marta. It had the morbid element, but no poo, shit, or dead animals. Which is nice. It can't always be dead things and shit things. An interesting little look at the way that

second-hand goods are distributed differently in different parts of Europe. You're learning things again. We've talked about medicine and cheap things. I did not know that. And cheap things. I did not know that. Because if you think about it, you do get secondhand shops in Britain. But it's completely dominated by charity shops.

The whole secondhand goods market. Oh, I like it. You like it? I got these trainers for the charity shop. Oh, yeah. I got these red trainers. If they were two quid. And they fit like a glove.

Yeah. Have you got another letter? You read one, Paul. Badly. And fuck up all the words and stuff and i'll just simmer oh it's a long one i'll simper i'll i'll fizzle in hatred of you this is by ian tandy oh yeah unless he later says in the email don't call my real name in which case i'll edit that out Anyway, hi Paul and Eli Hello I've been listening to Tales from the Shop Floor for a long time And finally realised I was sitting on a story all along That perfectly fits the bill

Tick box one, shit Tick box two, mucus, stroke, pierce, stroke, cum Tick box three, homelessness Tick box four, big category Homelessness Tickbox 4 Dementia Stroke Mental illness Age Age

Death Tickbox 5 is death Right that's my little tickbox Let's see how many I want that on a t-shirt Tickbox 5 is death It fucking is though isn't it Anyway

In this game I've been playing this Tales from the shop floor game Yeah Yeah good A long time Tales from the shop floor bingo. Yeah? Yeah, good. A long time. Tales from the Shop Floor bingo. Yeah?

Yeah. Right. Shut up. Let me just read the story. All right, then. For a good portion of my working life, I worked for a major

UK supermarket. He won't name, probably for the best. On one particularly quiet morning shift, I stopped to have a chat with my most favourite of the in-store

contract cleaners. For the story, we'll call her Sue. Usually a lovely, cheery woman. Hello, Sue. Ready with a joke and a sweet to share today. A sweet to share? Yeah, like a spoiled sweet. Would you like a bold sweet, darling?

Sue, you clean shit up for a living, so no. I've got a heart of gold and a big bag of sweets. Would you like one? No, thanks, Sue. I've just washed my hands. Would you like a rhubarb and a big bag of sweets. Would you like one? You want? No, thanks. I've just washed my hands. Would you like a rhubarb and custard

bowl of sweets? Yeah, I'll have one. Eat it. No, I'm going to eat it now. Eat it while I'm here. Put it in your mouth. You know what it is, I'm really full.

Put it in your mouth. Put the sweet in your mouth. All right. Go on, put it in. Yeah, I'm unwrapping it. Go on, put it in. Yeah, I'm unwrapping it. Go on, put it in. I'm putting it in. It's you got shit in your mouth.

Right, we've met Sue. Good. No, brilliantly sketched. Brilliantly sketched, Paul. Oh, my God. The depth. It was like there was someone else here who I was talking to. Wow.

Anyway, sweet to share. Today, she was red-faced and raging. She just had a right telling off from her site manager for a long trail of dirty streaks around several eyes on the shop floor. I don't know why that's funny. Now, dirty streaks on the shop floor wouldn't usually be an issue in the daily life. I don't know why that's funny. Now, dirty streaks on the shop floor wouldn't usually be an issue in the daily life of the supermarket. The constant abuse of shoe soles,

trolley wheels, stock cages, and wooden pallets, well, these usually leave marks, and they build up quickly, and if not cleared regularly, become difficult to remove. Yeah, I know exactly what he's talking about there. What was different today was that the stall was booked in for an inspection from the area management team and Sue's manager had given her a right telling off because they'd failed

the inspection and the section they'd lost the most points on was due to this trail of marks. Yes. Sue was absolutely adamant that she'd come in early to buff and polish the floor to within an inch of its life. And she asked staff to keep pallets and cages off the floor until the inspection, so she couldn't understand why these marks had built up so quickly.

This is so far a really interesting mystery. Right. Do you agree? The marks are there. She's aware. That's why she's so angry. Came in early. Everything was fine.

The marks seem to be the kind of marks. I mean, the salient point here, Paul, the marks seem to be the sort of marks. I mean, the salient point here, Paul, the marks seem to be the sort of marks that would need much longer, even if they... There's no way they could have produced them. She's not angry with them for moving stuff around. That's normally what happens.

But she cleaned especially. And it's almost a supernatural accruing of dirt onto the... The trails got there too fast. You know what? If I'd just like to essay... Yeah. Just, you know, something that's sort of forming as a theory, yeah? It's shit.

The trails are poo. Tickbox one. Let's see where we go. That's what I'm thinking. Let's see where we go. In an effort to cheer her up, I told her to speak to security to check the cameras. And at the very least,

you could show her boss that she'd done her job and it was out of her control. Within minutes, I was shouted down to come and check the very least you could show her boss that she'd done her job and it was out of her control within minutes i was shouted down to come and check the footage starting from the pet food aisle we focused on what i could only describe as the stereotypical early morning supermarket old woman headscarf old so we can tick box old headscarf old and needlessly thick coat walking with a bit of a stoop and pulling one of these tall two-wheeled trolleys like you carry your records around in. Shopping trolley style. Flanked by her male accomplice pushing a normal

trolley. Accomplice. What did I say? Accomplice. Oh, then accomplice. On her journey around the aisles it was clear, even on the grainy CCTV from the bottom of her skirt was a constant trickle of what could only be described as a spit pack of share

sized Maltesers. She's nuggeting! Dropped at the sort of flow rate you'd use to seed your garden. Every time one dropped old woman would somehow manage to run over it with her own trolley. No!

What? old woman would somehow manage to run over it with her own trolley. Quickly followed by her friend squashing them in with his trolley. But Sue had already checked the stains. There were no crumbs. These little brown balls weren't Maltesers. Most people would be horrified by what they'd seen, but not Sue. She quickly ran off to proudly tell her boss that it wasn't actually her poor quality of work that failed the inspection.

It was an old woman shitting out of her skirt and a couple of trolleys squashing it into the floor. Bravo! The mystery's solved! With this little clue, I have solved the mystery. Hastings, we know who is the criminal in this case and it is a sorry state of affairs. What was she called? What do they call her? Streaky Margaret? No. What was she called? What do they call her? Streaky Margaret?

No, boss surprisingly accepted this. What do they call her? The mistress of the bomblet? Madam Rabbit Plops. Rabbit? Rabbit. Madam Rabbit Plops. Madam Rabbit Plops. Hello. Hello.

I am Madam Rabbit Plops. She's like Michael McIntyre Is she No Hello Whoops Can I be your accomplice Oh dear

Yes You're my accomplice Grimy Jim Yeah I'll squash it Shitting Hello Grimy Jim Oh Madam Rabbit Plops You are so good to me

I look after you Don't I Do you need me To give it a double treading You know what I mean Double treading on the old... I'm good for that, madam. You know I am.

Okay. I will be your accomplish on this mission and I will... Walk behind me, would you? I will double rub it. Double rub this shit in the fucking ground. I'm Squashy Jim. And that's Everybody that's

Tales from the shop floor For another week No we're not finished The boss was Happily Surprisingly Accepted this You know

Reasoning quite easily Well Look if it's shit It's shit Everyone knows And he apologised to her For taking his frustrations Out on her

Oh that's good So he should She then ran off To get cleaning For the four aisles with a depressing level of desensitisation to human waste that only a supermarket cleaner can hope to develop. So next time you're in the supermarket

and you hear the beep, think of the fun you could be having on Supermarket Sweep. No, I banned it, Dan. And you see something spilled on the floor and think it's disgusting that it hasn't been cleaned yet. Spare a thought for the cleaner who's probably up to her wrists in shit somewhere else.

From Ian in Liverpool. Well, Ian, Sue does emerge as the absolute hero on that. She was... You could make a fucking courtroom-style drama and you have...

Do you know who plays her bad boss? Gene Hackman, right? Oh, yeah. As her bad boss. As the one who's like down on her. Okay. Yeah. Liking it.

And he's trying to blame her and then he has to, he has to accept at the end that it was squitty. Oh, the movie version of this. What was she called? Rabbit Plop Lady? Madam Rabbit Plop.

Why did you, why did you think of a name that was really difficult for you to say and make she sound like, Madam Rabbit Plop. Shut up. Madam Rabbit Plop. Okay. You can say it. Madam sound like I'm going Madam Rabbit Plops shut up Madam Rabbit Plops okay you can say it

Madam Rabbit I'm Madam Rabbit Plops no she's back wait returning to the oh I dropped some returning to the scene of the crime

how are we madam I see you've brought your henchman oh yes Grimy Jim no he's called Squishy Jim Squishy Jim no No, he's called Squishy Jim.

Squishy Jim, no. Why does he always bark? All your characters bark. I'm just trying to do a non-verbal thing. But they always bark. Hello, I'm Squishy Jim, yeah. I'm going to do a non-verbal thing. But then no matter what the character, you just go.

No, that is what Mr Brandoff does no that's what shows a very limited sense of imagination sorry very limited imagination right well that was Tales

that was an impromptu where am I that was an impromptu Tales from the shop floor thank you if you want to email anything in any letter you like

about any topic you like and ask Silverman whatever it's thecheapshow at gmail. Sue is the hero. Dot com.

I can see like a... Sue should be in our Hall of Fame of heroes. She's, you know... She knew. She fought. She wasn't going to take the blame for no streaks. C. She's charming.

H. She's harmless. A. She's... Sorry, what are you doing? Hang on. I'm trying to spell out Cheap Show. Cheap Show Lady of the Year.

Let's curtail that. In song. So every letter. C, she's charming. H, she's harmless. And E, she's a lovely, easy lay. Oh, no, that's not what I was going to say. We've got loads more letters to go,

so can we just curtail this here? Yeah. Let's do the next section. Bye. I mean, just for this bit. The machine keeps pumping. Machine, machine, machine, pumping. Keeps on pumping along.

And what's the next section of the show? It's going to be, it's the price of shite. Oh, it's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. It's the fucking price of shite. And that's right. Thank you.

And so, Paul, as we promised, it's a little bit different. We've played this once before, this version. So what is this version called? I don't really have a name for it, but basically... It's called the Beg, Borrow, Steal version. One's been bought, one's been found, and one's been given. Something like that. Buy.

One of them has been bought. Buy, lose, give. Buy, find. Buy, find. Buy. I stopped give. I find... I stop talking. Found by... Found by donation. No, that doesn't work.

Didn't you say found, bought, given? Bought, found... Bought, given... One star! Ping pong. Ping pong. found bought given one star ping pong ping pong anyways that worked found bought given

that's fine one item I bought one item was given to me and one item I found right and I have to guess primarily

yeah which is which yeah which is the item you found which is the item you bought and which was the item that you were given and you can get a bonus point

for pricing the one that I bought. Yes. Yeah. That's an extra little bit of fun. Yeah, that's an extra little mini game there. But also, you can answer questions. Yeah. Can't you?

Yeah. Because I need to do a bit of guesswork. A bit of research. And I'll be honest with you. Apart from the bit where you go, is it bought? And I'll say, research and I'll be honest with you apart from the bit where you go is it bought and I'll say no. I'll keep you in suspense.

So. Are you ready? I'm ready for my first item here Paul. I really want to do well on this new format. My performance is at prices so I have not been great of.

What is it? Oh. This is a teddy bear Paul. I'd say yep. A miniature teddy bear almost. Little teddy bear. It's very small. Oh. Maybe about Go bear. Little teddy bear. It's very small.

Maybe about... Go on. What is that? It's probably about five inches, isn't it? Just so you know, ladies and gentlemen, he's putting it against his penis. I know, but at my mouth. I'm measuring it into how big it goes in my mouth, Paul. Because that's the level that we really want to get to immediately.

You know what I'm doing, Paul? Go on. I'm rubbing it on my dick through my trousers. Oh! Teddy Denim Black Brass! Yeah? Don't do that to Teddy. Get out of the way! No!

I'm fucking... I'm actually fucking rubbing it on. Stop fucking Poindexter! That's his name, Poindexter. Ah. What? I gave him a name. His name is Teddy Poindexter.

You would never buy. I happen to know that. His name is Teddy Poindexter. Teddy Poindex is something you would never buy. I happen to know that. His name is Teddy Poindexter. Teddy Poindexter. He's a little golden. He's got a nice fleece. It's golden in a classic teddy bear colour.

And he has a vest on. Yeah. Or it could just be his flesh, his hairless midriff, which I find better. Yeah. As a sort of starting off point. And on his chest it says Conrad, Hong Kong. That's a chain of hotels, isn't it? Maybe, I don't know.

Conrad, yes. And he's got a little bum tag. He has. And that is written in Chinese writing, but it also has a warning. This product is not suitable for children under three years old. Small parts, maybe hazardous. Maybe the eyes?

Yes, they are referred to as the eyes. The eyes are hard plastic, and so is the nose. Back in the day, they would have been glass, wouldn't they? Little glass eyes they would have been. Yeah? Yeah, little glass nose, little glass eyes. These days due to EU regulations, no they don't let you do that. This wouldn't have been. Yeah? Yeah, little glass nose, little glass eyes. These days, due to EU regulations, no, they don't let you do that.

This isn't affected by the EU, it's made in Hong Kong. Oh, well, you know, they put lead in their paint, don't they, and feed kids to dogs. Right. I think this must be a gift from your new girlfriend. Don't say it like that. New of a year and a half or whatever it is. It's been about a couple of months. I don't care. Wow.

A couple of months. Yeah. Has been more than that. I don't know. It's been way longer than that. I refuse to reveal my private life in the podcast. It's been half a year at least. Mr. Tiny Dick.

He's called Poindexter, which you came up with as if you knew he was called Poindexter. You actually, when I was rubbing him on my crotch, your reaction was, you had a little fruity look. What do you mean fruity look? Like it was a naughty, naughty thing. No, it was me not wanting to watch you fuck a tiny

teddy bear. Right. Who doesn't want to watch me do it? Oh God. I could split this open. Right. You couldn't. What, I could? this open right no you couldn't what I could you couldn't you could just stop it he's got seams

they've all got seams Paul they've all got seams you're a dirty horrible little man are you really dirty are you a filthy little boy

what because I pretended to fucking grow up right I do a little bit of fucking frottage play

with your fucking poindexter and now I'm a dirty little man fucking frottage play with your fucking poindexter and now I'm a dirty little man and it's too much for you fucking live a little grow up

right okay anyway I could split this right down what are you saying all fluffing everywhere what are you saying squeeze your fluffing

out for your nose was it bought found or given can I you can look at all you can have a guess now but you can change your mind when you're. Was it bought, found, or given? Can I... You can have a guess now, but you can change your mind when all three are seen.

Thank you. Because I'm thinking it definitely was not bought. And I'm heavily leaning towards given. I think it was a gift to you. But it could have been found. I'm not ruling found out yet.

I'd like to see the other things until I... All right. So that's my guess for Poindexter, Paul. I'm just looking for my second item now. He's having a rummage

around in his rucksack. I nearly stabbed me fucking hand with a pin. Well, you shouldn't collect pin badges so obsessively. So, on this

special edition of The Price of Shite bought, found, given edition it's time for our second item are you ready boys and girls yes

here we go please he's handing them to me and there's two of them these are cufflinks everybody yeah cufflinks these are ghostbusters

cufflinks oh da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da fuck my life ghostbusters hey life

fuck my life le eso es fantom Hey, life hack, my life. Le SOS Phantom. These are Ghost Busters. Cufflinks. Quality? Are they nice? I'll take one out here, Paul. You know, is it because you can't fuck him?

Is that why you're disappointed? I could fuck these. I don't want you rubbing that. I could insert that somewhere. Up your meters. Is that what you want to say? I didn't want to say it. You want to pop a cufflink Up your meters. Is that what you want to say? I didn't want to say it. You want to pop a cuff link in your meters.

The little Ghostbusters logo coming out the end of your split. These are very nice. Is that what you want? Now these are strongering me. Strongering you. Now these are pushing me towards changing my... Oh, really? you now these are pushing me towards changing my oh really these are lovely enamel cufflinks with the ghostbusters the original ghostbusters logo on and you know when you look at them the ghost

sort of a chrome a sort of black chrome finish yeah not a silver finish and a little uh are those cufflinks all like that no some of them are just a rigid piece this has a yeah a jointed swinging bar bar that you click into place if that's... To help you get... You feed it through the holes in your shirt. Yeah, but sometimes

they have just rigid one piece in cufflinks, don't they, which you have to feed through yourself. Yeah. Nice. Very nice cufflinks.

Yeah. And the logo there looks a bit off, wouldn't you say? But there's a reason for that. The proportion looks a bit different. The reason for that...

It's too much big on his stomach side. Yeah. I think the reason for that, and proportion looks a bit different. The reason for that It's like too much big on his stomach side. Yeah I think the reason for that I could be wrong is that some designs of the logo are based on the arm patches from the first suits which look a little bit rougher.

The logo on the car and on the building is on point as you remember it but on the actual shoulder patches they look off and I think they're based on the design of the shoulder patches from the first movie

and not the official design logo, so to speak. This is like the uniform design. Do you think they might have done that as a sort of, because it's a piece of clothing that they might think it suits it more? Or because of copyright issues?

No, I think honestly, it was because when they made the film, it was such a quick turnaround. They probably knew what the logo was going to look like, but not a finished version. So they based the design of the arm patches on an early design of the logo, probably knew what the logo was going to look like but not a finished version so they based the design of the arm patches on an early design of the logo

but then by the film was made and they had a different completed version of the logo so just production yeah but these weren't made these were made in the last few years oh no they're just yeah but what I'm saying

is the design of the logo the people who designed these cufflinks yeah based it on I don't know I don't know I might be wrong that could be complete bullshit,

but that's what it most strongly looks like. It's interesting, Paul. It's a little bit of interest-mation. Interest-mation. Interest-mation. Very good. You're coining words here. Yeah.

You haven't done a song in a while. Ooh, I'm mad on rabbit plops. No, she's not. She can't come back. Everyone can find me because I leave a little trail of rabbit plops. Look.

Rabbit plops. Madam. Rabbit blops? Madam Rabbit Plops, take your henchman and go over there. There's a guy called Biscuits. He just refers to himself as Biscuits Man. I'm about to crack this case. Come join me, Madam Rabbit Plops, was it? Yeah, that's right.

Yes, it was Madam Rabbit Plops. So if you could leave now. I'm coming with you now. Let's go on the gigs. We've got 48 hours on the way. I'm squishy, Jim. I'm going as well. Have you done another shit for me to stamp in? Hey!

I'll double stamp it. That's what I do. I've got my wheelbarrow. Where will our adventure take them next? Find out in another cheap show. Well, they've left now. Just, you know, next time. She was not welcome, Paul.

The story will continue. She wasn't welcome. Of Jimmy Biscuits and Madam Rabbit Pop. Now, this seems to me like someone... And the adventure of the missing... No, it's not. There's no missing. It's just, she's not, you know, she is the culprit.

She just shits everywhere, Paul. What mystery would that be? The mysterious trail of shit. Oh shit oh it's her we've already revealed it's her and what does biscuits do he never does shit he never does anything he's a terrible character and i don't look at me like that i'm trying to get this segment fucking going yeah and you just go oh i'll call back to that character didn't work. I think these are a gift. These cufflinks seem to me like something that someone who knew you would know you'd like. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Maybe I didn't buy them off the internet, you mean, or anything like that. I don't think you would buy cufflinks. Because I don't see you wearing cufflinks, but these are the kind of cufflinks you'd wear. And I know you like enamel pin badges. You like enameling.

So it's, you could have bought these for yourself. But I'm strongly, strongly... Going to go with given. I'm strongly thinking these are given and that what's he called? Poindexter was maybe found. Okay. Are you ready for the third and final bit?

Yes. Let's look in Paul's magic bag and see what we can find. Wibbly woo, wibbly woo, ba-dum-ba-dum, wibbly woo. What is it? Duncan, the original world number one. Assorted colours, five yo-yo strings. Excellent

stuff. Wow. I'm so easily pleased, aren't I? Yep. So easily pleased. You'd have to be. Now, these are yo-yo strings, Paul. I know. Nice colours, aren't I? Yep. So easily pleased. You'd have to be. Now, these are yo-yo strings, Paul. I know. They've got nice colours, and there's a cool kid on the cover, on the card. It's mint on card. It is.

It's all good on card. Oh, that's come off a bit. It's come off a little bit. It must be quite an old item. I think so. 100% cotton string. Yep. It's not mint on card quite.

It's almost there. And the strings are all in there and it's got like a cool kid he's got sunglasses shorts trainers yeah his name's Duncan

is his name Duncan or has he just got a Duncan branded t-shirt on is he Duncan good point good point they don't make that clear it's just that sometimes

characters wear their name on their shirt you know and sometimes they don't yeah but this is Duncan brand which is leading me to think that he's just wearing a Duncan...

Fair enough. He's not their character logo. And also, on the back, they have a very peculiar character who's operating a yo-yo. That's like a nightmare head ball, man. Let's have a look. What is that?

He looks like he's head's a balloon with the nozzle where you tie it off is like the mouth. Is he a pig face? Is it a pig? Let's see. It looks like he's got a snout for a face. It doesn't make sense in my reality.

No. He's a weird yo-yo ball head guy with a schnozzle. Oh, maybe he is a yo-yo head man. He's a schnozzle. That's not a yo-yo. Wearing a karate suit and overhand. It's like just a ball with just a little tiny penis-shaped thing coming out of it. Can I ask a question?

When you said penis-shaped thing, although you couldn't see it, I could. I was wagging my nose. No, you were like jerking something off into your mouth. No, no, no. It looked like you were jerking off into your throat. Do you know why that is, Paul? Because whenever I think of penises, I think of my double life. Sucking trap cum on the streets of Haringey.

Sucking it down. What I love about this is that Eli does have neighbours and a door open. So anyone's going to hear him saying that out loud. It brings me joy to think they live in fear for the crazy man who lives in the house of pickles. Now, that could have been found as well. So, yeah, what are you going to do? What could have been bought? You've got the cufflinks, you've got the yo-yo strings, and you've got the teddy bear.

One was bought, one was found, and one was given. Maybe I bought the cufflinks for birthday money. Maybe I bought the little teddy bear for the show. Maybe I found the strings. You i bought the little teddy bear uh for the show maybe i found the string you didn't buy the teddy bear if there's one thing i know you didn't buy the teddy bear you would never you'd never think oh i'm just gonna buy that okay interesting you might have today just to fuck me up but i don't think i think i mean it's a random thing to have a teddy bear with a hong kong hotel how would i get that someone gave it to you yeah but again then you bought the key rings yeah and you found this you found the strings i found

the strings it's interesting i'm gonna go for that you're gonna go with say again i bought their cufflinks oh he's look at this the turmoil in eli's face You were given the cufflinks. Oh, he's now gone back to that. You wouldn't splash out on yourself. I have splashed out on myself in my bedtime. Right, I've had enough actually. Lying on my bed. Paul. Lying on my bed.

Paul. Chucking my nut custard all over my hairy tongue. Paul, I have actually had enough. Okay? Yeah. I don't want to talk about it. Okay? I don't want to talk about it I don't want to talk about it

Talk about what? I just want to be able to use the words Splash out In the old sense of the words Please Please I just miss the day when you could say Splash out

And men would think you were spunking on your belly Yes exactly It just means To you know out and men wouldn't think you were spunking on your belly. Yes, exactly. Just, no. It just means to, you know, splash about. Now, I don't think you would because you always give up generously. Because you're always such a weird weird Uber fan.

Like, because on Twitter people go, hey, Paul, look, here's a YouTube, here's a Ghostbusters thing, are you going to buy that? And you go, no, I'm not going to buy it. I'm not usually, no. Because you're like, no, I don't care for it. I have all the Ghostbusters things I need, and I will not spend money on you.

You're deluded. Oh, I hate Ghostbusters, but I love it. But you can't tell me that I need to buy this. It's like, Paul, it's like, Paul, when people go, Eli, have you tried this noodle? Yes! Episode 67, yes we did. You call yourself a fucking fan of the show

and then just get a random noodle and go, have you tried this? Yes, I have. I have tried it on this very show. Right, so... I'm sick of telling people the dragon made us eat that double hot one.

Where was I? I don't know. Tell me which is which. I feel that you would not have paid money for these ghostbusters. Not even my birthday money. No. Because I've got a wedding coming up

next month I need to go to. Stop trying to put me off. I'm just saying. These are things that are happening. You don't need these for a wedding. No, I don't, but I'm going to have them. No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't.

These were a gift. Yeah. This. Come on. This was found and this was bought. So I'm saying that the. Yeah, the cufflinks were given. The cufflinks were given.

The teddy bear was found and the yo-yo strings were bought. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. You stick locking that in. Yes. Can you give me the universal lock-in hand gesture, please?

It's a bit elaborate, but I'll take it. Grow man. Grow man doing these sounds. Playing a hot sauce bottle Like a flute Alright now good Right you happy

It's locked in Yeah That was Just contrived Oh It's so staid Oh I'm poor Oh I'm poor

Talks like you When I do you You do You do me most of the fucking time It's like a hall of mirrors in my brain And everyone's wanking Who talks like you? Well, I do you. You do. You do me most of the fucking time. It's like a hall of mirrors in my brain and everyone's wanking. Right, so, Eli Silverman,

you said the cufflinks were bought, the teddy bear was... No, no, no. No, sorry, the gift... Get it right, Paul. The cufflinks were given... This game is called Bought, Given, Found.

So let's go from bought. Bought, the yo-yo... The Duncan yo from bought. Bought. The yo-yo. The Duncan yo-yo strings. Yeah. Given. For a minimal amount. Given. Cufflinks.

Cufflinks. Found. Teddy Bear. Poindexter. Eli Silver, let's run it through the computer. How many did you get right? The results are in. The results are coming in now.

Don't fucking interrupt the machine. Ka-chong. Ka-chong. Ka-chong. The results are in. The results are coming in now. No, it's already done. Don't fucking interrupt the machine. Ka-chong. Ka-chong. Ka-chong. That's it, what happened? I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you if you continue to do this.

I'm not going to tell you. I'm helping. You're not helping. And then it locks in the three balls. Let me do it. Can't you see? Can't you see what I'm trying to do here, Paul? No, you're not the machine.

I'm the machine. All right. Let me do it. Fine. Go, go. Okay, the answers are in. How many did he get right? Ding.

One. Ding. Two. Ding. Three. Yes. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, mate. ding Yeah you are correct

Brilliant Well strategised Thank you very much I love that game Great So Where did you find Poindexter Poindexter was in a box

When I was moving And I just kind of thought I'll keep it then I don't know who it belonged to But I took it with I took pity on him And I brought him into my home Okay

And Poindexter now plays With my cat Riley and Riley does the whole scratch thing bought for you by your girlfriend yep and Duncan

was that bought now I'm going to get a little extra point here yeah how much do you think that was it should be four points would be the maximum

score possible it would be can I ask did you buy that in Canebro Wood Green you bought it today in Wood Green

I did 50p you said 50p in wood green I did 50p you said 50p now get one point either 25p so the most possible points would be 6

for this game yeah if I got it dead on I get 2 points yeah ok ready the answer is

75p so you get 1 point I do get 1 point yeah because you're within 25p so well done you got 4 out of a possible

6 5 yes sorry 5 yeah so still very good ladies and gentlemen 25p. So well done. You got four out of a possible... Six. Five. Sorry, five. So, still very good. Ladies and gentlemen, reigning champion, Eli Silverman. Well, I've really improved because I've played that the first time and I only got one. Yeah, true. But you know, you reasoned it out really well today

and I thought, you know, many of them could have gone either way at points, I think you'll agree. That could have been found and bought. Yeah. That could have been given or found. That could have been... You know what I mean? It is actually quite a nice version of the game, Paul. Oh, thank you.

Oh, thank you. Because it does... It means you have to think a bit more about the context. Hey, stop the game. We got the important news. I'm lazy. No. Look, rabbit plots.

Yeah, give up on that, Paul. Don't let them in. No, don't let them in. Don't let them in. Don't let them in. No, don't let them in. Don't let them in. Don't let them in. We can hear you in there. Just take a shit out there, Lady Rabbit Plops. Okay?

Next to your bookcase. Yeah. Shit all over the place. It's fine. Thank you. Okay. Oh, my God. Is Jimmy Biscuits in there with you?

Oh, my God. Stop pooping. You're right. Maybe there's no left story in that. There's not. It doesn't go anywhere, does it? It just doesn't go anywhere. It's pointless.

She's the baddie. They're both inert in terms of characters. They really are. They just don't give. Biscuit doesn't give a shit, man. He just turns up everywhere. He's just a one note character. Well, Jimmy Biscuit is multifaceted.

He could be anything American. Okay. But Madame Rabbit Plops might... She's got one role and it's over. Squishy Jim might come back. Squishy Jim? As a side project. Yeah, we'll see. Which sounds like a great prog rock album.

Squishy Jim's side project. What would it be called? That's it. Squishy Jim's side project. No, side project already... There was a band called Side Project. Oh, was there? Yeah, it's one of those phrases from the music. Eli, this segment's tailing off. It certainly is.

Let's say goodbye. No, because then we're going to be back in a second. All right, let's do another segment then. Yeah. Every week I think this is the worst thing I've ever done in my life. But then, the next time we record, Paul, somehow it just gets more inept. Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

And lame. It's good though, isn't it? No, it's not good. Don't you feel the thrill of doing this podcast? I don't. This is podcasting on the edge. Can I hold? Can you see the edge? Yeah.

I'm straddling the edge, and you know who's straddling it with me, Paul? Yeah. Poindexter. Stop fucking Poindexter. Poindexter, spin, you little furry fuck. Wow. Right, so he's now rotating my teddy against his nut box. I'm doing a spin frotto.

Stop it. Frottage grottage. Stop pegging him or whatever. Hello, welcome to the frottage grottage cottage. Stop it. This is me and my life partner, Poindexter. Leave Poindexter alone. Don't worry about him.

He has a bald spot near the seam. That's where I frotted it. Oh, God. This is what I'd like to do for the rest of the episode, Paul. Is it? Yes. You would like to run the next... Hello, welcome to my grottage frottage cottage.

You are right, this is the worst. Watch out if you lose the loot, Paul. Yeah. Because there's some clottage. Right. It's all clottage is this it now is this really

genuinely what you're going to do would you like a scone and some clotted cream oh do you want to do platter clottage

do you want to do platter oh I'll tell you what do you have two records we can do please conforming to the

the shape of the rivets no we're going to play a board game. We're going to play a board game, aren't we? I've never seen so quickly a man go from being completely in a scene and rebuilding this world and then go, No, I'm done.

I'm out. Well, you know, I was spent. I was grabbed the bear. You touch Poindexter like that again, and I'll chop it off. Chop Poindexter off? I'll rid you of your penis in the most terrible way possible. Right, so that's what this has come to now. Now, you don't have a bit.

I will take. Paul, I don't like what I'm seeing this week, yeah? I will take. In all seriousness, I do not like what I'm seeing this week. What are you seeing this week? From you. I'm seeing this week, yeah? I'll take... In all seriousness, I do not like what I'm seeing this week. What are you seeing this week? From you. I'm seeing this weird other side to you. What other side?

We don't care. We've got to do another segment and finish this show. What are we doing then? We're doing a board game. Stop fiddling with Poindexter's ears. Don't you talk to me about Poindexter. You have not got the right to tell me how to treat Poindexter. What do you mean?

After the sickening show you put on in front of me. He loves that. That's a terrible thing to say. That's a terrible thing to say. He's a fully consenting... I don't even know why I'm having to talk about this with you. You say he's a fully consenting... He's an inanimate stuffed toy, Paul.

Yeah? So that gives you the right to do wicked things to it. I'll get my own then. I'll get my own teddy. I'm going to get my own teddy now. To fuck? Who I will frot. Not fuck.

No, no. No, no, no, no. It doesn't go like that. It doesn't go like that in the house, yeah? It doesn't go like that, Paul. Right. There's only frottage. And grottage.

In the cottage. In the house of pickles cottage what would you like to do would you like to do the game or would you like to do the debate thing or would you like to do story cubes let's do the debate thing yeah yeah alright it's a bit loose this week everyone we have done

some work thanks for supporting the show on patreon the great debate didn't we do this on last week's episode no in, on episode 24P. The one... 24P, yeah. Yeah. And we enjoyed it.

So we're just going back, are we? I thought we'd give it a proper good wallop this time. All right, fine. You know, when we don't have the pressure

of the clock on us. Okay. It's a bit more freestyle. Sure. It's a bit more laid back this episode. Hey, you know. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey, you can come here. We've got two live shows on the way that we're planning right now. I just apologise for Paul this week, everybody. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey, you can come now. We've got two live shows on the way that we're planning right now. I just apologise for Paul this week, everybody. He's gone all loose.

Ran out of order. He's gone all loose. He's gone all Mr Showbiz. Moves the guy to Lundro for a week and a half, and he's gone all, oh, I don't care about anything. I'm actually really stressed right now. There's a lot of things going on. I've been poorly, you know.

All right, I'm sorry. All right. Okay, I'm sorry. Let's do this debate game, yeah? Listen, I'll imagine a creature, yeah? And then you imagine one. We'll see which is the best, yeah? Alright. Right. Dragon mouse. Okay. Snake dog. Oh, that's shit!

Come on! Listen, who do you think would win? Snake dog or dragon mouse? Snake dog. Oh, that's shit! Come on! Why is it shit? Listen, who do you think would win? Snake dog or dragon mouse? Snake dog. Can he be fire? No. No, no, no! Can he?

Does he have a lot of money? He's independently wealthy, the dragon bit? Yeah. Can he scamper very quickly? Yeah. Does he leave a trail of urine on your property? Why would that be a good thing? Why would it be a good thing? Why would it be a good thing?

What does your snake dog do? It hisses and you have to tell it to shit outdoors. It would be, basically, a dog at the front, then after its ribcage, a snake like a boa constrictor. And at the far end. Pass. Back. Pass.

Back legs and a tail. Sorry, Mr Gallant, unless you have some other more interesting and imaginative animals I'd like to leave the meeting I think you should leave this meeting and you should really reconsider your path in this life because

inventing animal hybrids for comedy podcasts That's not your thing! It's not your thing Paul! Go on! No! See? No! I've got one! Not your thing, Paul. I'll do another one. Yeah? Go on. No. See?

No. I've got one. I've got one. Go on. Crab grandad. Crab grandad? Now, come on. Who doesn't want to see that?

What is he? He even comes. What? He skittles along. That's not two animals. Oh, I'm old and someone's grabbed me. That's awful. Awful.

At least I tried. Isn't that right, madam? Cat snake dog doesn't have a voice. Cat snake dog. I'll do the voice for snake dog. No, it's... Yeah. Let's do this debate thing because honestly this is poor alright we're getting round to it

I'm just saying I can if I want to create a great chimera that's what they're known as chimera so what about rat

rhino rhino rat I'm liking that a bit better actually yeah it's a giant rat with a rhino horn on its trunk

mouse dragon and rhino rat could be like a rat yeah they could be in the in a crew together yeah i like this grab a pen can i have the debate i will win the debate yeah and i have to warn you paul on this debate thing yeah i will point out your logical fallacies again and again you'll point out my logical fallacy oh my word well that was great that's the of one-star review material that we're known for. Paul, if you want me to rephrase that, I will jack your phallus hard until word spooge comes out your nose. It comes so hard into the back of your palate that it dribbles out your nose.

So how can you spot one of my fallacies, then? Because you'll make it. There's certain logical fallacies that are things that people do in arguments. Yeah, such as? Give me an example. The most sort of popular on the internet at the moment is the straw man, where you misrepresent someone's argument and attack it as if it was a straw man. man so i i say oh you can't you can't fire um dogs out of cannons because it's cruel to dogs how would you how would i make that straw man yeah i'd say uh so you can't you can't justify

firing a dog out of a cannon unless it's a sausage dog because that would look awesome we all know what... Anyway, look, all I'm saying is I'm not taking any shit from you. If you fuck up in a sort of illogically formal way, I will point it out, okay? Yeah. If I can spot it, yeah? Okay. So there's none of your fucking riffle raffle.

Yim yammering. Riffle raffle yim yammering. Yeah. Don't be yim yammering around here. Yim yammering. Don't you be y-yammering. Riffle, raffle, yim-yammering. Yeah. Don't be yim-yammering around here. Yim-yam, don't you be yim-yammering around the parts. I don't know why you're doing it like that. Because it's another character, one of many. It's not.

Stop the characters. Theatre staples. Stop the cavalcade of characters, for the love of God. Mirroring what a lot of our listening audience are probably thinking. Well, that's it. I'm the voice of the listenership here, Paul. And you're the voice of fuck knows what. You're a weird, wank-obsessed, borderline...

I can't believe that was a fucking awful thing to say. Take it back. Wow. Wow. Sorry. You prodded me to it. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Can you stop the characters? Yeah. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Can you stop the characters?

Yeah. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. It was songs. Now the songs have gone. And now you're just sputing out half-formed characters. And they're so pathetic and ill-formed that they're like, kill me. I'm Mrs. Bizarre. Yeah, exactly.

She just wants to die now, doesn't she? She's back there she's shat all over herself in her henchman squishy Jim and I'm here wow

great thank you for that can we do some debate we're going to do a debate alright I'm just I can't understand how you're going to attack me

in this game because it's always the same all I'm saying it's all the same what I think you're stupid and you can't really put a sentence together very well

or... Yeah, you just think I'm intellectually subpar and you call me some of the most horrible fucking things I've ever heard. Like what? Borderline... I said borderline. Seriously. I'm sorry I called youline. Seriously. I'm sorry I called you out.

I already took it back. It's fine. Let's just move on. I just think you went a bit too far, mate. Let's move on. If we're going to carry on the illustrious cheap show legacy, then it's important. We're going to have to hire people to play us. We're going to have to.

Can we just do that? Yeah. Let's get on that straight away, Paul. So we can have a week off every now and then. Oh, just do. Get them to do it full time. They just have to pay us a percentage. Then we could franchise it out.

They could do... Oh, I like that. ...in different parts of the world. Like Puppetry of the Penis did. Is that what... Yes. Yeah, they franchised it out. Our Blue Man Group.

Yeah, Blue Man. Or Stomp. Chuckle Brothers Panto. No, they didn't do that. No, they... That was always the Chuckle Brothers. No, it's true. It's true.

It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true.

It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true.

It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true.

It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true.

It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true.

It's true. It's true. It's true. It True to. You can't. I bet like Sooty, they had different people up Sooty every show. Well, Sooty famously, Matthew, was the son of the original puppeteer, wasn't he? He passed as well. If we're talking about people passing, Paul, with a certain connection to this show, we have to mention Geoffrey from Rainbow, who passed yesterday. Yeah. And who was the other guy who passed recently as well? Chaz from Chaz and Dave.

Chaz from Chaz and Dave. But I'm beginning to worry about our curse. And why Noel Edmonds is adverse to it. Edmonds has a psychic force field protecting him from all sorts of... Edmonds is just... There's something about him. I think he's practicing dark arts. I think he sees himself as an Anton LaVey kind of necromancer.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, no, he wasn't a necromancer, was he, Anton LaVey? He was a Satanist. There's no such thing as a necromancer, Paul. It's a high magician of the dark. I bet there's some now. No, I doubt they would call themselves.

I am Basil the Necromancer, and I will use my dark death powers to make your tea slightly cold. Hi, Basil. So thanks for calling in. Hello. So what was your actual question? I get that you're a necromancer and all that, but what's your question, Basil?

If I put hot water on my hydranias in the winter months, will it damage the roots? Now this is, I should, Basil, this show's about religious beliefs. This is not gardening hour. It's not. When's that on? That's on next. It's at the end of the hour. Do you happen to have the time? It's quarter to four. Thank you. Bye. Don't call back.

It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. I put the phone down. Christ, are we going to do this debate? You don't want to do it, do you? We have been talking for 22 minutes. Let's just do two each. One each. You pick.

Yeah, one each. Two debates, yeah? I've got one, you pick one. Just pick something. They're dreary. Pick something. Oh, mate. I'll pick one if you don't end up picking one. Pick one for me.

Are you going to do your one first? What does that even mean? There should be cartoons on the radio. Debate. What does that even mean? No should be cartoons on the radio. Debate. What does that even mean? No, that's good. That's a good one. No, how does that work?

How does that work? Cartoons. How does that work? Aural cartoons. Like this. Like this show, Paul. If you, you know. Is this an aural cartoon podcast?

It has some aspects of that, I'd say. There you go. Have that one. What about that? Okay, so we're going to do your one first. So who's going to be pro and who's going to be con? I will be. There you go. Have that one. What about that? Okay. So we're going to do your one first. So who's going to be pro

and who's going to be con? I will be pro and you will be con. Okay. Okay. What is the debate? All political speeches should rhyme.

Debate. Yeah? Yeah. Do you want to put a timer on this? Okay. Do a minute? Yeah. A minute?

All right. Here we go. Start here. You're pro. You go. sometimes we remember uh important messages through song through rhyme we teach children very early on the alphabet and right and wrong and left and right via rhyme it helps that the information sink in it's an interesting way that we learn you know so why not move that whole logic to get your political points across in rhyme it

would help for instance if you said you know um there we go here we go ladies and gents i am from the government if it's brexit we should vote shall we try it or shall we choke so come on now it is time to put your vote down on the line and see if it makes a lot of sense by getting involved in political discourse events. Something like that. Yeah. You'd be like, all right, okay, it's on kid. And then people would go, oh, I'm engaged now.

And what was the message? Sorry. That you should always vote when it comes to important decisions. Because, you know, one little voice could mean a lot. You don't think your little voice is going to mean a lot, but it could. So that's why.

That's it. Over. Over. Right. Okay. Are you ready to talk about the con to why all politic debates should rhyme? Yes. All right.

Starting from now. Okay. Okay. Now, politicians are bad enough at conveying coherent meaning when they make their speeches paul you know this they talk a load of shit now imagine we've all been there trying to rhyme a word and you're writing your speech and you're trying to rhyme the word slate put it on the slate and then maybe you have to mention people that you like but the word hate is the it is the obvious rhyme paul put it on the slate and god immigrants i do hate yeah and then you think oh that'll do it's at least it rhymes so what i'm

saying it's it's an extreme example but what i'm saying is the pressure to to deform language and find things that words that rhyme will put pressure on the clear communication of the political message that these people want to get across. OK? Also, can I just say, that bit of rhyming that you did, that didn't support your argument. Right. Who won, then?

Me. OK, good, yeah. Because I would like to counter a point you made by saying it would make politicians take more consideration in the words that they write and not just use lazy metaphors and lazy arguments because it's easy to write. If you'd have to rhyme and think about what you say, then surely that's better for political discourse too

if they actually have to consider the power of their words. Well, you've taken my... I've said my piece and I've won. Right, okay. All right, think what you like. I've said my piece and I've won. Right, okay. All right, think what you like. I wasn't that wedded to it. Well, here we go. Here's the debate.

I'll be pro this and you will be con. I will be con. Rather than alarm clocks, people should be woken every morning by ice cream... Is this it? This is the one you went for? Yeah. Rather than alarm clocks,

people should be woken every morning by ice cream vans. Excellent. So I have one minute to pro. Starting from... No. Isn't it lovely? People should be woken every morning by ice cream vans. Excellent. So I have one minute to pro. Starting from... No. Isn't it lovely? Oh, your childhood.

Oh, you're lying there. It's Sunday. There's nothing to do. You're just picking your nose and rolling around in an old dirty sofa. Oh, tingle, tingle, tingle, wrinkle, tingle. It comes through the window. It comes through the window. Noise.

The tinkle comes through the window. Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. It's the ice cream man. This is horrifying. Oh, suddenly, my dull childhood never-ending ocean of a Sunday has been punctuated by the most... Punctuated? Punctuated by the most intense burst of joy and expectation and hope. Oh, the sweet, gooey taste of melty, melty ice cream.

Or perhaps if that's not your thing, you can have a lolly. A lovely... That's it. Anyway, you should use it to wake you up because it's good. It reminds you of your childhood. That's why. 60 seconds of otter shit. Otter, unconsidered thought. Listen, you get your minute. Don't look...

Don't be this... This is your... Yeah. Don't just attack me with all your shouty. Time starts now on my con argument. My con argument is this. Why sully the joyous sound of an ice cream van by associating with the most hated part of the day, getting up for work in the morning. Shut up, you had your minute.

To ameliorate the hatred. To ameliorate the badness. Work on a better sound. Ameliorate. Let the ice cream van tinkle-tankle remind you of waiting in line on a sunny day behind two other kids going, oh, am I going to get a Zoom?

Am I going to get a feast? Oh, leave that memory intact. Don't associate it with getting up and having to get out of bed. Sure, it might be more pleasant, but ultimately, it's ultimately just going to make you resent that sound. And then you'll hear it during the day when they're out and you hear you fuck off and then the kids start

crying and all because all alarm clocks sound like that why not replace the alarm clock sound with something instead it's like eli got out get up get up that would make me get out of bed if i woke up to every morning to your sad, pathetic whine. You did not win that argument. I'd just like to say that. I won that argument. Now, let's... I'll just leave that.

I'll leave that up to everyone else to decide, Paul. Who won the debate, yeah? If you're listening and you want to get involved on Twitter, hashtag cheap debate. Don't point at me if you think my argument was better for the ice cream van say paul yes and if you think paul yes eli's was better say eli yes right yeah but we did two arguments or just do the ice cream one why because you that you don't feel so good it Because the first one was a definite win for me. No, it wasn't. It was a definite win for me. So let's think about just this one.

If you think I'd... Tinkle, tinkle. Tinkle, tinkle. So hashtag cheap debate and go Eli, yes, if you think Eli was right that every alarm clock should be replaced by ice cream van noises. I'm sorry, Paul. I just have to leave the toilet for a winkle faffle.

Shut up. Fanful Winky. And we'll find out next week who won. All right? Sninkle Fancle Winky. At the Cheap Show pod on Twitter. W-W-W dot Fancle Sninky. Shut up.

30 minutes of utter shit. Sninkle Fanky. 30 minutes of shit snickle thank you yeah yeah Paul fun one fun one today wasn't it a lark

yeah thanks mate anyway good yeah the live show is coming soon got a lot of fun I'm putting my costume together bring your

bring your tat for a price of shite bring your cheapies I'm putting my little costume together yes we can't talk price of shite bring your cheap costume together we can't talk too much about it let's just say one word that

it will involve in a highly thematic fashion go on poultices poultices lady gargoyle nappy poultice

lady gargoyle will be wearing this on her next tour we reckon next year it'll be a meat poultice it'll be

well no more steak poultice no more alright keep it a secret poultice no more alright keep it a secret poultice pad spoilers

I look forward to we'll see you there on October 14th at the Bill Murray it's very exciting we're shitting our pants me and you aren't we a little bit

about it I've got a little bit of anticipation about it I'm sure it's going to be great Paul but hopefully we're selling badges

and everyone get a magazine we'll have a lot of fun bring your cheap eats bring your tat bring yourselves have a ball come and have fun don't get drunk before the show have a drink or two by all means but if yeah please please drink

responsibly honestly because we don't want to spend half the show telling you to shut your fucking mouth because we will you know you brought it all tumbling down there paul if you step out of line we're cracking down. It's like your daddy. It's like Daddy Paul, isn't it? Daddy Paul is saying, behave yourself, or Daddy Paul will be very disappointed. And if Daddy Paul is very disappointed, Daddy Paul gets Daddy's wicked stick out. Oh, yeah. And Daddy's wicked stick will correct you.

W-W-W-W. Anyway, thank you. Where am I on Twitter? Who am I on Twitter, Paul? At Eli Snowed. E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D. Thank you. And I am Paul Gannon Show or something like that.

I don't know. At Paul Gannon. At Paul Gannon Show. Okay. Why don't you care? Because you tweet and I just go, oh, he's saying something about Ghostbusters. We're also on Instagram. Look for Cheap Show Pod.

Facebook's got a page. We've got a Reddit page as well. Get involved in the conversation there and email us anything you want. Thecheapshow at gmail.com. on Instagram look for Cheap Show Pod Facebook's got a page we've got a Reddit page as well get involved in the conversation there and email us anything you want thecheapshowatgmail.com if you support us on Patreon

thank you for doing so it's utterly amazing we're a little bit behind on stuff but we're going to catch up again we've got poultices in the mail

a bit hectic at the moment we don't really no we're not doing poultices you fucking idiot can I just say schninkle vlay shoot up

just try to liven it up that's Cheap Show done for yet another episode. Wow. This one was a little bit crazy cockabonkers. Just one note before we end. Paul, tighten it up. The whole thing,

you need to tighten up. That's my note. Yeah? In all seriousness. Look, I'm wiping the smirk off my face. You need to... It's back. Smirk's back.

You need to sort it all out, yeah. When it's not working, just need to... It's back. Smirk's back. You need to sort it all out, yeah. When it's not working, just need to... Cut it off. Cut it off quicker, yeah. Just got to have that instinct. Then what's this? This is a bit... Isn't this baggage?

No, this is a bit where you've already said goodbye. I've not said goodbye yet. All right, I'm saying goodbye. Why? Just turn it off and I'm going to have extensive notes. A post-mortem you mean look I've got improv by that guy

we're going to do some exercises oh good I look forward to that right ladies and gentlemen you've been listening to

Cheap Show thank you again see you next week thank you and remember sometimes Eli deserves a smack and sometimes Eli

deserves a kiss but which one is he going to get out of this show? You'll find out in the next episode. What would you like? I'd like you not to finish the show like that. Maybe I'll do both.

It's just not, it's nothing. No, it's nothing. And remember, ladies and gentlemen, Eli is a wretched farthouse. No, no, no. He's a wretched dirty dirty farty nasty hairy you know I'm trying to be funny

and everything Paul but you really have hit a sort of low point where anything you're just like garbage pouring out your mouth

like a big like you know have you seen Zardoz imagine not guns were coming out of the mouth but only just pure garbage was coming out

yeah goodbye bye press the button no you press it Not guns were coming out of the mouth, but only just pure garbage was coming out. Goodbye. Bye. Press the button. No. You press it. No.

That will delete everything we've just done. It's like a Bond film all of a sudden. Mission impossible. Which one do you think it is? Stop. Go on. Is he going to press it? Can I press it?

No. Is he going to? it? Can I press it? Don't. Is he going to? Can I? Oh, no.