CheapShow - Ep 97: Return to Story Time Hell

Episode Date: October 12, 2018

It's time to take a chance, roll those dice and see what madness is unleashed as Paul & Eli return to the Story Cubes. Don't say you've not been warned! Over the course of this week's episode, Eli chats to God about his soul, a sheep gets a call from it's bank, a young boy finds his "crying tree" and the world is introduced to Mr Cunnyhole... You wish it hadn't! Other than that volatile stupidity, you can expect some more juicy Tales from the Shop Floor, a disco flavoured Silverman's Platter and yes... those ruddy story cubes! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

No fucking about, Eli, do the intro. Come on, come on. Come on, boy. I'm not, it's, it really puts me off if you do it like that. Because I know you just, stop, shut up. Hello, everybody. It's me, Eli Silverman. It's Cheap Show time again.

The week has rolled around. It's time for the Smellungus Paul Gannon. The Smellungus Paul Gannon welcomes you and everyone to Cheap Show. Smellungus. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, right? It's a fact of Cheap Show. You're going to have to fucking reset.

Moodle time. Tales from the dance floor. How's the bit going? The price is tight. Hello, it's the Economy Comedy Podcast back again for more economy-based delights. I'm your host, Paul Gannon, and with me is my good friend... Why are you doing an intro now? My intro sufficed, man. Honestly. I did... You know what, Paul? We should fucking completely drop this whole charade of you do the intro, Eli.

It sucks. What do you want to do instead? Well, I'll just listen to you witter on. It can be, can be podcast. But Paul Galen, it's your radio voice. It's not what, it's not what you're about, man. What am I about? Come on, what am I about?

Well, just not that, you know. What am I about? Smells. Why are you wearing sunglasses? It's sunny in the house of Pickles, man. Yeah, we're back in the House of Pickles for another exciting edition of your favourite podcast. Oh, he's doing it again. Look, you can't.

Stop introducing the fucking show. Stop. What have we got coming up on the show, Paul? I don't want to tell you now. No, that's fine. You put me right off. I had my professional voice on. I was doing the introduction, telling new listeners, perhaps, what the show's about.

You've got to remember, some might be trying this for the first time. Okay. So you've got to welcome them in. Fine. All right? You can't make special allowances to the cheapskates out there who remain loyal right on. Look, so what's the show about, Paul? It doesn't matter anymore, does it?

Oh, it doesn't matter anymore? You just said it mattered. Well, no, it doesn't now. Nothing, you make things not matter. Yes, thank you. No, it's not something to be proud of. I'm proud of that. Why? It doesn't matter. What? Ah! There is a solid logic. If it doesn't

matter, if I make things not matter, it doesn't matter that I make things not matter, does it, Paul? Which doesn't matter. So good so good i've won i win the universe because nothing matters i'm anti-matter oh yeah i'm uncle matter no no no i'm all firing on all cylinders today i am no characters before the first segment. Let's make that rule, okay? Alright. No little creature's gonna scrabble in here. This happens.

No, no, he just ran past. Alright. Good. There goes another one. Yeah, brilliant. Oh, the house of pickles is full of them. Where are those crazy creatures? We'll maybe find out later in the show. There could be a plush toy available. The scribbles.

Now invented scribbles. Great. You just did. We've now invented scribbles. It was your mouth work. Great mouth work, Paul. Thank you. So what have we got coming up on the show?

I will tell you what's coming up on Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast celebrating all things cheap. No, you don't have to say that again. Let me. You might as well just have a little machine that says economy comedy podcast and play it again and again and again. Right, so we're going to do some hotels from the shop floor there. We've got some of those coming in.

That's nice. We're going back to Eli's vinyl platter. We haven't done that in a little while, so looking forward to some interesting tunes there. We've got three selections from Silverman's platters today. Looking forward to those. And then it's something we haven't done in a while. Again, I thought we could try Story Cubes,

because I went to a charity shop and saw these really good Rory Story Cubes. Rory Story Cubes. Rory Story Cubes, the recognised brand on the high street. Did they ever get them out of storage? Rory Storage Story Cubes. The recognised brand on the high street. Did they ever get them out of storage? Rory's Storage. Very poor.

Did they have to deliver it to you in a lorry? In a lorry. Rory's Lorry Storage. Lorry. Lorry. Rory Lorry Storage. We're having a lot of laughs. I'm not.

Come on then. What else? So we're doing that and then we're ending on the story cubes. When we make little stories up on the little dice. Rory story cubes. Yes, because I got them in a charity shop for £1.50. And it's interesting because they usually go for like a tenner, I think. They're quite expensive.

We did it before and they weren't exactly the height of literature's achievements. I disagree. I thought mine was a classic story for children. Now, what was it with Mr. Barney Poo, whose name changed twice? I can't remember. Yeah, you can't remember. Your own masterwork. It's in the episode, that one. Episode...

I don't know. It's that one where we ate the noodle. The dragon forced us to eat the noodle. No, there was no dragon. I don't know what you're talking about. We went up a hill. No. And a dragon forced us to eat a noodle. That never happened. It is not canon. Just so you know, it is not canon.

Listen, I can get the clip and I can fucking play it to you. But you won't. So it doesn't matter. It never happened. So what was that last thing you said that we're going to do? Story cubes. It's so thrilling So what was that last thing you said that we're going to do? Story cubes. It's so thrilling to me that I can remember it. Right, so let's start the show then, shall we?

I can't wait. Look, I've got coins. What does that do? I'm doing the link noise effect myself. I have sound effects for that. I'm doing another impromptu one. Why don't you shake them in your hand? Is that good?

No. That's why I've got sound effects. No, just say, all right, and we'll see you in the next bit of the show. Go on, do that.

So let's see what happens in the next bit of the show. You fucking knocked the mic. Such a wanker. Right, fuck off. Wow. Right, fuck off Wow Tales from the Shop Floor

It's our favourite time of the show Where we read out your letters Without giving them a proper read first And rolling the dice on whether they're good or not So Would you like to read the first one of your life? Let me have a little look Alright, let me I'll have a little look-see They're good or not. So, would you like to read the first one of your life? Sure, yeah, no.

Let me have a little look. Hand it over. All right, let me... I'll have a little look-see. See what we got there. Okay, so would you like to read the one that is called... You know, I won't read the title because I think... I've read this one very briefly. It's okay.

It's good to... Is it all right? Yeah. Don't read the title out, but it's a little... This is not Ask Silverman. No. No one's asking Silverman shit anymore

because they don't like Silverman's answers they don't because do you know what Paul to paraphrase a quote because they can't handle the truth that's right

no one wants to hear the truth oh Eli what's your favourite noodle why don't you fuck off I was only asking

because you know hashtag and then they apologise on Twitter to me and you're like I don't fucking care I don't row them look

I'd just like to defend myself slightly on that one yeah but it's like asking someone what their favourite thing is come on

but they want to know it's a silly thing I don't have favourite things you don't you go through life and there's things you like there's things you like. There's things you like one day or maybe you don't like them so much the other day and you get tired of them.

You're overexposed. Do you know what I mean? Read the story. Favourite things. Just read the story. It's a stupid fucking thing. Read the story. I don't have favourite things, Paul.

I have a whole range of experiences. When did you die? I can indulge it. When did you die? Oh, when did I die? When did it die within you? What? When did that little light of hope and joy go out? I've got hope.

I've got joy. I just don't have favourites. I reckon about 94, 95 for you. Okay, so what are you fucking trying to say right now? You're soulless. Are you fucking trying to say right now that in order to have joy and hope in one's life, you must have favourite things, categories of things? No. What? That is a crock of shit and you know it when i expose it like that not what i'm saying i'm fucking taking

your your woolly thinking on any of this anymore what i'm saying is that one statement about you saying you don't have favorite things is a small piece of a larger puzzle that makes up the question that is where's your soul gone all right you the soul doesn't exist Paul you die that's it you haven't got a soul when we talk about the soul we talk about more kind of you know

bigger things something you can't explain properly good right moving on paranormal emotive moments a paranormal emotive moment yeah

I'll just I'll just leave it there shall I fine yeah okay right tales from the shop floor everybody

for our people who might be listening For the first time Paul Yeah It's the section of the show Where our listeners Write letters in And we read them out And we have a little bit of feedback

About them don't we Paul We do don't we We have a little bit of To and fro A little bit of back and forth Healthy banterage What's it called Top bants

Bandinage Bandinage Bandinage Go on then This is from someone called Alex Chan Great Bantaraj. What's it called? Bandinage. Bandinage. Bandinage. Go on then. This is from someone called Alex Chan. Great. Hello, Alex.

Wait till she says hello. Or he. Hey, Paul and Eli. Hey. Alex in BC, Canada here. We're having a conversation. No, we're not. Not if you keep interrupting me.

I'm trying to read the letter now. Her. Him. Alex in BC, Canada. Where's BC? British Columbia. Thank you, yeah. So that's the north... Is it Mountytown?

It's the northeast part of Canada, I believe. Is it Mountytown? British, because... I don't know. We don't care as well, do we, really? Well, you don't have to always say that, Paul. You don't have to always say that. Good point.

Thank you. Sorry to burden you with another bodily fluid based tale of shop floor misery oh at least put it there i felt that if anyone were if anyone were to benefit from this situation i recently found myself in it'd be you yes giving us some you're turning shit piss vomit mu. We'll take it. Rectal leakage into content. Into narrative. We take it, we compress it all up into a little pellet. Yeah. And then...

Push it out. And push it out. Okay. My local BCSPCA, which is the British Columbia Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, thrift store, is a veritable treasure trove of goodies for half-mad fans of second-hand merchandise such as myself. Good. Good. I'm a half-mad fan of second-hand merchandise as well. Nice way of putting it.

Yes, we're all half- clothes, and, of particular note, a yellow plastic milk crate filled full of porn DVDs. Yeah, get stuck in. It's dark, cold, cramped, and in its own way, strangely charming. I think I'll watch that one. I'm actually liking the approach, the atmospherics of the joy of thrift storing. Well...

Or charity shopping. Alex, well done. We both know it's cramped. You're in there and you're thinking, oh, what's this snow globe? It's a little can of you in there. Yeah. Oh, what's this snow globe? It's a little can of Thunderdome, isn't it? What's this snow globe? Is this snow globe leaking?

It smells a bit funny. Why? It just does, isn't it? No. Have you ever smelt snow globe water? No, I've never smelt. I've never smelt. Have you ever smelt a leaky snow globe, Paul?

No, I've never smelt a leaky snow globe. Well, you haven't lived. You say, I'm soulless. You don't seek out new I would argue a man with no soul smells leaky snow globes

okay that's a sentence you never thought you'd have to say it's very difficult as well I had to really take myself slowly through it

oh nice thank you okay so he or she has just said a funny old thrift store. Yeah, funny old place.

We like it. Recently, I was taking a peek around the book section and noticed something out of the ordinary. A tall drinking glass filled with... A tall drinking glass filled with orange-yellowish liquid. Right. Sitting top of a low bookshelf in a hidden corner. What could that be

my naive mind wondered ah surely one of the employees forgot about their beverage while moving some shelving units but what were they drinking well it looks like some sort of tropical fruit juice or perhaps flat beer we know what it is it's assuredly not piss i gave it a sniff it was piss it piss, ladies and gentlemen. If you're playing at home, you can now cross off the It Smelt of Piss square on your bingo card.

At the risk of getting a little too in-depth, it smelled particularly strong and concentrated. We've all... I know. I know what you're talking about. The deep heft of a stench. Some of the water has been allowed to evaporate off the piss,

and it gets... It boils down. It boils down into what can be called double concentrated... What's that? The squash brand? What's the actual brand name? Robinson's. Yeah.

Robinson's piss, double concentrated. That wasn't worth getting. It wasn't worth it. I'm just trying. I'm trying, Paul. Yeah, yeah. I can't always. No, no, no.

But it's a good effort and I'm hooked in it wasn't it smelled particularly strong and concentrated this combined with the dark yellow colouration leads me to believe

that it either belonged to someone who was dangerously dehydrated likely a homeless person denied use of the washroom or too proud to ask or it had been stewing there for quite some time

what do you think Paul? let's get Detective Wee Wee out here. No, no. Hello. My name is Detective Wee Wee. And what's your specialty, officer? I like sniffing piss. Okay.

Let me see. Show me the evidence. Now, what me see. Show me the evidence. Now, what we were wondering... Show me the evidence. Inspector, what we were wondering was whether this is this piss here

that's just been left a long time or it's some tramp piss. Well... Is this a dehydrated person's fresh piss or is this old piss of a not normally

hydrated person? Hey, Stings, let me get the little grey cells going and I shall sniff the piss like so. Oh, that is dang shit, man. That's an oar. Das?

Das is what? Settle on an accent. Yeah, you settle on an accent. That's what I'm trying to tell you. This is piss. This has come from the piss of a tramp. You can tell it is thick. It is dehydrated.

It is strong. It is dehydrated. It is strong. It is sad. Right, good. It's making me cry. Inspector Wee Wee. Detective Wee Wee has never been so moved at a crime scene before.

Okay, Inspector Wee Wee, we'll call you. Thank you very much. Oh, it's the horror. Right. The horror, I say. Okay. The horror. Okay, goodbye's the horror. Right. The horror, I say. Okay. The horror.

Okay, goodbye. Thank you. Well, how long did it take? Nine minutes. Character. Excellent. Nine minutes and there was a new character. Into this segment.

Here we go. Okay. They're all based around shit and piss, our characters, aren't they? Yeah. Or biscuits. Usually. Or called Barry. Okay, but that's our thought.

Is that really you? What what Paul, you would think? That it was a tramp? I think it would have been stew in there. The thing is, when you think about the situation, it's like, who did the glass come from outside? It sounds to me like, I haven't looked at the end of the story or anything, that it was a staff member.

Like some really bored teenager just got... Had a piss in the corner and then forgot about it or something. Or did it left it there on purpose? Yeah, well, just grotty business. I pissed in a glass.

I left it in the corner. Whatever the origin, Alex continues. Oh, okay. I gagged. Were you trying to do another character then?

No. No, good. No, good. Whatever the origin, I gagged and promptly placed the glass back on the bookshelf being careful not to spill any of its contents.

I quickly notified the shopkeeper, who disposed of it in the toilet, and then to my relief, tossed the glass in the garbage and not back on the glassware shelf. Yeah. Following this episode, I bought my items to the till, DVDs of The Bourne Identity and the Kill Bill movies, along with a small whiskey glass. As the shopkeeper was ringing me up, I quipped that this glass would be used strictly for drinking. To which he laughed and knocked a dollar off my total. Effectively, he gave me the glass

for free. He dollared off his turtle. And then he reduced my bill by a dollar, after knocking one off my turtle. That's what it says here, Paul. I think you said total wrong. No, no, no. Effectively give me the glass for free. I felt that I'd earned it.

Yeah. Thanks for all that you do. Love the show. Keep up the great work. Alex from British Columbia, Canada. Thank you. That was a very good letter. Yeah, full of insolence. Very good letter. Very beautiful. And she did a little joke. I like to think of her as a she. No, I don't.

Troubling. I don't care. Troubling. I don't care. Are you ready? I like to think of a girl, Canadian, handling some piss. Yeah? You can really handle the piss, Paul.

I'm literally not. No. What was that for? Because I've got something to say, right? Yeah. It wasn't about that. Are you drunk? No.

Because you've been waddling around like a pissed up fart today. This reminds me. I've got little tails say, right? Yeah. It wasn't about that. Are you drunk? No. Because you've been waddling around like a pissed up fart today. This reminds me, I've got little tales from the shop floor myself that you were witness to, weren't you? What? Because what made me think of it is when Alex said that they'd made a little joke to the shopkeeper. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Yeah. Oh, is this your... Yeah, I tried it the other day.

When I was buying you a kebab, yeah, because you'd had trouble in there before. Not trouble, they just... They ignored you. They ignored me. They didn't want to fix your thing. And it was really awkward. Yeah, I bet it was the same guy.

Anyway, so I went back in there, because you like the deal, don't you? It's a chicken doner. It's a chicken doner with a Coke for a fiver. Great deal. It's nice and it's nice. Lovely. Fresh off the thing, chicken doner. Nice's a chicken doner with a Coke for a fiver. Great deal. It's nice. Lovely. Fresh off the thing, chicken doner.

Nice salad, bit of sauce. When you want to get a bit dirty, not a bad deal. Yeah, it's not a bad option. So I went back to get it for you. You did. And here in Haringey, where I reside, there's a large Turkish population. There is. Kurdish and Greek, Cypriots as well.

And a lot of... Other. Huh? Other. And other. It's a big multicultural mix. It's a melting pot. But there's a lot of Turkish businesses and restaurants.

Yeah. And this is one of them that we were in. Yeah. And I went in and there's been this poster around for this Turkish musician who's got a big beard and long brown hair. Similar to the look I sport most of the time yeah yeah and there was a flyer in the as i'm waiting for him to fix your kebab that i see this flyer of this guy and i think oh i look like him i'll make a little joke with one of these guys bad so i picked it up pointed, pointed my face, and the guy who was looking at me gave me this look like,

I'm going to strangle you. He didn't comprehend the joke, but also seemed to sort of take offence. Wow. He gave me a look like a really cold stare, basically. Like you fucking idiot. Yeah. Yeah. And then I put it down.

And now I'm wondering, did that man spit in my kebab? And then I did double check, because he started mumbling to the other guys. Yeah. He turned and he's like... Mumbling to the other guys. And yeah, I did check. No fluids seemed to go from their mouth into the kebab. Thank you. But it was really one of those moments where I was like,

this joke's not working. Awkward. So I didn't get a quid knocked off my turtle for that. No, you didn't. Next story. Ooh, knock a quid off my turtle. This one comes from Patrick Waters. And it goes like this. Waters? W-A-T-T-E-R-S.

Waters? Fucking, I don't trust this. Don't complain about a guy's surname. I don't trust this. What? You're telling me if someone was called John Cunneyhole, right? You wouldn't say anything. I might think he was Dutch John Coneyhole right you wouldn't yeah

you wouldn't say anything I might think he was Dutch Coneyhole Coneyhole hello I like to smoke

and my name is Coneyhole there you go another fucking character 13 minutes I'm Coneyhole yeah hello it's Coneyhole listen

you should you should listen when Coneyhole talks to you you better believe what's this what is this You should listen. You should listen. When Coney Hall talks to you, you better believe it. What's this? What is this?

John Coney Hall. Coney Hall. Right. We've lost Eli. Read the letter from fucking weirdo Waters. Patrick. Shut up. Hello, Paul and Eli. Hello. read the letter from fucking weirdo Watters Patrick right shut up

hello Paul and Eli hello Watters a few years ago I bet he what do you think he was you know well I got teased

for my name yeah Paul yeah Ellie Eli down good yeah old McDonald's

had a farm. Eli, Eli, Eli. Do you think that's ever happened to me? Yeah. Okay, so waters can fuck off. Sorry, Patrick. Anyway, he says... So sensitive.

A few years ago, I spent some time unemployed. So to keep myself busy, I did some volunteering in a charity shop and thought I'd share two strange donations I encountered. Don't worry, there's no poo or dead animals. Yeah, but that leaves a whole realm of other fluids and dead things. Yeah, fine.

One story involves a local nightclub shutting down and very kindly donated the contents of their lost and found to us. Mostly it was abandoned coats, but being in Glasgow, we had to be very careful to check the pockets. A lot of it was what you'd expect. Lost keys, cheap booze, mysterious pills, etc. One jacket, however, mystifies me to this day. First off, it looked like something a 19th century soldier would wear.

So it had epaulets, big brass buttons. Epaulets, yeah. Bigulettes epaulettes yeah big brass buttons the whole shebang secondly it was absolutely stuffed with condoms literally hundreds of them i was pulling them out by the fistful like magician's scars yeah every pocket was brimming and there was even a hole in the lining for with johnny's i wish i knew more about this time traveling sex pest it was a johnny jacket yeah he's optimistic isn't he i'll get through these in one night i will maybe he was a trans-dimensional fuck monster oh i like that character what does he sound like i'm the soldier of fuck i am the soldier he doesn't sound like that he doesn't sound like that, Paul. Fuck. He doesn't sound like that. Because that involves your stupid giblet warbling move with your finger,

which no one wants to hear ever again. I want to hear it. I don't. Well, you're mean. Never do. See how annoying it is? I don't know. I don't think it's annoying.

Anyway, another time we were given a large bag of Xbox 360 games. Being fond of gaming, I volunteered to sort the bag and check if there was anything I'd like for myself. Of course you would. Of course you would. A bag from where is this? It just says large bag. It doesn't really say where.

So in donations? Yeah. But you get a ramage. Yeah, you get to have first dibs. He's very honest, but I mean, you're not meant to do that. No. You're stealing from charity, which is what a cunt would do. Waters.

I'm sorry fucking hell no you get why do you get a look through it yourself you might have gone oh I'll have that one and I'll put four quid in the box

yeah okay fair enough you fucking judgmental prick alright yeah he just didn't when he when he got

I mean I'm self-reliant and I am the biggest man in the castle I'll tell you what to do I'll tell you what to do I'll tell you what to do. I'll tell you what to do. I'll tell you what to do. I'll do what I want. Because I really like Kingdom Castle.

Jesus. Weird. Weird. You've internalised me. You're like fucking Google. You've got this model of me built from weird things. Anyway, shut it. He went for the bag

to check if there was anything he'd like for himself. Unfortunately, most of the cases were empty and the ones that weren't were mostly old FIFA games. Shit. I had a lot of computer games in.

Yeah. However, I noticed something strange about some of the boxes. They were filled with tiny, almost microscopic brown balls. What say you?

What do you think? It's not poo because he said there's no poo in this. Well, that is true. Shall I go on? Drugs. Initially, I thought they were just dirt, but discovered soon otherwise. They were spider eggs. Oy!

I know this because some of them had hatched, and the resulting spiders seemed quite keen to get out of the Forza box they've just been living in wow anyway i've rambled enough hope you get amusement out of these yes patrick we did we did patrick i thank you have you ever seen spider eggs no i think that video online where a guy bashes a spider with a broom and it bursts into like a thousand spiders a lot of species they uh they live on the back after they've hatched, don't they? There's been some big ones in my flat lately. Really? Yeah, it's the time of year, isn't it?

You get those ones this time of year. I've seen them out in the garden. Big bastards. Yeah, big, with the big abdomen. Big body and the big old thick legs. Have you got a problem with spiders? I don't, but my girlfriend does. And it's a massive problem.

I literally have to do spot checks every night. It's a strange fear because they can't really put their finger on why. It's because they skitter and they go diggity-diggity-diggity. Yeah, but so many people have a sort of irrational, real, and it's weird. Yeah, but you know. Because they're not actually dangerous. No, not really. On the whole, they're not dangerous.

I remember one time right especially in this country how did we have a genetic you know i don't know i don't know i don't know what you're talking about i don't know what i'm talking about i remember one time uh when i was growing up i uh wanted a cup of tea and all the cups were dirty so i just reached for the top mug at the very top shelf right and i pulled it down and it wasn't tea it was a big glass of milk that's what I wanted so I got it out and I pulled milk into it and I put the cup to my mouth and as the milk poured in I saw these kind of big black legs slide and then I felt the spider slide into my mouth and it touched the top of my mouth and it was wriggling no because it was dead but it was all curled up and it was all... And it slipped down into the back of my throat.

And then it all came out again. Yeah, you've made yourself all pukey, you twillock. Well, I won't be telling that story again. You're such a dover. Well, that was Tales from the Shop... Shop floor. Well, that was Tales from the Shop... Oh, shop floor.

Walfster Blaster. What is that? At least use words. Walf? Don't do that. Give me a proper word. Then stop doing that. It's unpleasant to look at and unpleasant to hear.

Okay, okay. Right, just give me... Say that was a nice segment, bye. You are such a... He's threatened physical violence. Ooh, he really threatened it. Shut up. Well, it's that time of the show again

where we delve into Eli's box of vinyl and find some platter that matter. I've taken some platters, and they're going to splatter them on the hat. Great. Great start. Started off confidently. Sounded great.

And then it just turned into word mash in your fat, bearded face. I'm having a hard time. Why? Because... Wow. Attractive. All right, Paul.

All right. Are you drunk? Seriously, you were bumping into stuff earlier. I was not bumping into stuff. You fell over the chair in the kitchen. You keep dropping stuff. Look, let's try to this section again. Eli, before we continue on with this podcast, are you drunk? I'm not drunk.

I don't get like this when I'm drunk. No, we know what you get like. Yeah. That's just you, isn't it? At least I don't get very male rapey. I don't get that. Well, you can deny it as much as you like it, but I've been at the end of it and so have other people I know. You haven't been at the end of it.

I have been. That's the problem. I've been at the rough of it, and so have other people I know. You haven't been at the end of it. I have been. That's the problem. I've been at the rough end of it, Paul. You have been. Yes, I have. I've been at the rough, niffy end of it. I'm just more friendly with you when I'm like that. Yeah.

Touchy friendly. Creepy friendly. It's your fault, because you dress all attractive. I can't help that. So, just saying. That's not... Don't victim blame. It's you. You dress sexy. Mate, you are. Mate can't help that. Don't victim blame. It's you. You dress

sexy. Mate, you are in another context, honestly. No, not another context. This is satire. Great, now this is awkward. Yeah. Well, you know what it is time for, Paul? Is it time for platter? It's time for the platters that matter

here on Silverman's Platters. It's a section of the show where I delve into my vinyl record box, Paul. Yeah. And I select some tunes. Some of them are bad. Some of them are good. Most of them are bad. Yeah.

And we discuss them. So, shall we just move straight into this segment? Let's do that with gusto. Now, the first record that we listened to today, Paul. Yeah. record that we listened to today, Paul, these are three seven inches, was a German disco record called The Longest...

The Longest... Why did I say it like that? Longest. Yes. The Longest Running Disco in the World by Ike and Turner Corner. Oh, that's funny. What's funny? That's funny the name. It's not that funny, is it? No, it's not funny at all.

It's actually not funny at all. So, should we have a little listen to it right now? Why would you actually be a band? Should we just play the song first and then talk again into the meat of it? Well, you do what you like. Here is that track called The Longest Disco in the World. Fucking, you can't even remember a word from one second to the next. Just say it again.

Longest running disco in the world by i can turn a corner and it sounds like this Try to get on your feet Feel that whip, gotta feel that beat Listen to the warm man's sound of flow Get on down and start a show It's the race, it's the race It's the longest running disco in the world. He's got the rhythm, it starts to pop Let's hear it for the DJ man He's got the bumpiest sounds in town It's the latest, it's the greatest It's the longest running disco in the world.

It's very generic disco, isn't it? The problem with it, it's not that awful, is it? No, it's all right. It's just, what was the point, do you think? Well, there was German. We looked into it. It's German. It seems like it was a German spoof. This is our issued...

It's not a spoof. No, but it's like... From looking at the title, you'd think this is some kind of novelty disco record, wouldn't you? And it was a German spoof. This is our issued... It's not a spoof. No, but it's like... From looking at the title, you'd think this is some kind of novelty disco record, wouldn't you? Yeah, and it was going to be silly. But then you delve into it, and it's basically trying to make you dance, isn't it? And it does that decently.

It's not too bad. You could drop it, and it would keep people dancing. But it's not quite there in terms of being actually good disco. Are they like a kind of German cool and the gang, and that name was a pun to what? Get them noticed? That's what I'm thinking. You wouldn't want to do more than one tune

if that is a novelty band's name, you know? It's like Terry and the Dactyls or something. It's like, you know. Well, that's what I don't understand about it. Did these musicians come together to make this song for what? Well, I don't have the picture cover, but I did see online. It looks like they're a sort of group in the mould of like Boney M or something.

Yeah, that kind of thing with a few more white blokes in it. There were some white blokes in it. Or like Dishingers Khan. Dishingers Khan, yeah. That's got whites and blacks in it, doesn't it? Yeah. That's a mixed race group. I think.

I don't actually think it does, actually. No, it does. It doesn't. Well, let's not talk about this. I mean, this think it does, actually. No, it does. It doesn't. Well, let's not talk about this. I mean, this isn't the... Jing, jing, jing this car. Hey, bop-a-boop, bop-a-dee, bop-a-ba-dee. I love that song.

I hate that knock. It is German, but this is... Sorry. I'm having a podcast all by myself here. You are, aren't you? I'm sorry. So, this copy that I have Welcome to the Paul Gannon podcast

Today we're talking about whatever crosses my fevered mind And I've got a special guest today Eli Silverman, hi Sue, how you doing mate? I'm good yeah Can we get on with the other podcast? Join me next time for another Paul Gannon podcast but now Back to our usual plurogramming on

The Cheap Show Okay You're okay are you? the Paul Gannon podcast, but now back to our usual plurogramming on the Cheap Show. Okay. You're okay, are you? No. Go on, just crack on. So, this copy that I have was not the original from Germany. It's on a British issue of the song on Big Bear Records. And you can see the lovely label.

I like the Big Bear label. Did Big Bear do a lot of other stuff? Do you know? No, they were quite a small sort of I think blues and jazz label and the reason I know about it is because there's this group called

Muscles right yeah which is a disco funk outfit but British yeah who were put out

on Big Bear oh interesting and they have a song called I Wanna Synthesize You which is really good has like a fucking crazy synth

solo and it's sort of like a weird sort of maybe we'll talk about that in a later episode maybe but if we talk about synths we're going to go back and revisit the moog yeah we have to at some point you didn't want to do more moog so i do want to do more but that's why i know the label anyway big bear records and what 77 when this song was released the height of disco that i think is officially the height of disco and in buffalo of that year there was a very famous buffalo of that year in buffalo of that year yeah as in buffalo of 77 born in 77 bison that were born in 77 inside them you know are we going ladies and gentlemen we're going inside a buffalo through the mouth because we fucking talked about this

it's all drippy in here oh it's drippy in this buffalo so basically i can hear its abdomen i'm really unimpressed with your behavior so just stop this paul hey paul come into this fantasy i'm staying on the right side of normalcy come down it's really good in here it's all warm is it yeah yeah you're interested now aren't you i'm in this bison yeah can you hear it all its four stomachs all going like come on come down it's gullet no you know what i'm all right mate i'll stay here all right so buffalo buffalo new york is a is a place in upstate new york big city my grandparents lived there great okay so it's knowledge it's all about knowledge anyway in 77 knowledge in 77 there was the longest or biggest

disco in the world where 13,000 people biggest disco yeah so and the Tramps played in glory again it was a big thing and now it's a regular event yes in America and they still get 7,000 people coming

yeah and they sell out apparently it's the week after Thanksgiving or the week after it's around that period anyway must be a good party they've done it every year since 94 yeah so I guess this song is all about disco

talk about long disco. The longest running disco in the world. But also, famously, there's that film, isn't there? They shoot horses, don't they? Which is about... Well, that's a dance competition, isn't it? Which is slightly different. But that's like a long running disco, isn't it?

Yeah, true. Essentially, that's what it is, isn't it? Is that based on a play? Do you like to dance for several hours? No. You don't like dancing. I like dancing. I just don't like to be seen dancing.

There's a subtle difference. Yes. Because I can dance. Watch, I'll show you my moves. Oh, fuck off. Here we go. You watch these moves. Okay.

That's awful. Really bad. A pass. That's not... It's half-arsed. That whole... It's like you're doing a lame Travolta. Well...

I don't know what to say. Grandad Travolta. I put my best moves out there and you kicked them back in my face. And on the flip side of I Can Turn a Corner's longest-running disco in the world is Crazy. Which wasn't as good. Yeah.

It's fine. It's produced by a man called Simon Cohen. I can see he actually wrote that. Well there you go. That's our first platter. What would you give that out of five platters?

I'd give it three and a half. Yeah. I agree with you. Three and a half. It's like it's so mediocre. It's not but it's not offensive. It's not bad.

It's just it's really in between. It's not quite there. Do you know what I mean? To actually be sort of They missed a trick on that single though. they should have done a kind of fade in fade out and then you could have had two playing at the same time and kept that one long disco track going all night why would you do that because then because because you can it's not

called the longest running disco tune in the world is it paul you're really struggling with the concept because like ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed Paul went on about the biggest disco in the world at the beginning of our little discussion of this record, but it's actually the longest running, which you didn't look up. So we've been, you know, I bet there was a longest running disco in the world,

but because you're really confused about the difference between, like, number and time. Oh, come on. Get it together, Paul. Get it together. Track two. What is track two? Shut your mouth. What is track two? The second track. Track two on that first one. Speak in the microphone.

Be professional. Track two on that one is crazy. It's on the other side. Yeah, I don't. Mate, are you fucking doing this on purpose now? Yes, I am. I always have been. Okay. The second track on this edition of Silverman's Platters, Annoy Paul edition,

is a guy called Clifford T. Ward. See, I read that name, and I just saw Clifford twat. It's apt, Paul. It's apt, because this record is To An Air Hostess by Clifford T. Ward. Shall we give that a little listen? Let's give it a little listen now.

I fell in love with an air hostess together we flew the skies with air friends I wanted to give her

A copy of my record But I did not have The self-confidence I fell from such a great time and wonder if I will ever land See, I started off hating that, but then by the end of the track, I kind of liked it. Why?

I don't know, because it's that kind of... It's awful. Right, have you ever heard of a song called The Summer of 75 by Vic Rees and Bob Mortimer? No. So it's like a fake kind of folk shanty kind of song. Is it in their characters' hair or no hair? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Call it Sullivan and No Hair. Yeah. Yeah. That, yeah. Oh, fuck. Call it Sullivan and No Hair.

Yeah. Yeah. That's gone forever, that fact. You can't remember shit, mate. I can. So. Like the next word you were going to say. Like the next word you were going to say.

So this song ends up sounding like that fake Vic and Bob one that I like so much. It has a kind of all children choir joined in. It's got that la la la la la la la. There's a sing-along aspect to the end. Yeah. It's terrible. He's like the wettest fish in the bottom of a drain. He's a wet lipped.

And it's simultaneously creepy and pathetic and wet. Desperate. So it's like, I wanted to give you my record, but I didn't. Yeah, because I didn't have enough self-confidence. It's like, how do you make that scan? Yeah, but you see, and again, it's like this weird thing, because he obviously has a lot of sort of bravado, because it's about his record, you know, because I've got a record out.

But I didn't. I'm just too shy fucking psychotic I want to do my song he's conflicted in his head ooh I love her she'll be impressed by my record

but I can't give it to her because I'm going to the toilet I'm going to fucking jack it hard in the toilet jack it jack it

jack it jack it now let's get some kids to sing at the end of the record yeah air hostess. Bitch, you wouldn't like me. I swear to God.

I swear to God, Eli. What? What? Where to go, Eli? What? This is going to be used in evidence in a future court case. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just feel like one day you're going to be standing on trial and they'll say, evidence 76B. No, they won't. And then they'll play that clip and then they'll say, why did you kill her

Well that's what this record I was just simply trying to relate A sort of feeling I had about this record To the audience Paul It feels like he's like No No I should have given my record

Should have written my number On the label When she lands in Heathrow Instead of going to a hotel she can come round and fucking jack me off! It's a terrible record, Paul. I was more thinking she'd be like Oh, who's this?

Clifford T. Ward. I don't like him. And we saw a picture of him online, didn't we, Paul? He looks like a twillip. He looks like the kind of English teacher who would rather be a poet and likes to sit on the edge

of his desk with his head like that. Absolutely. And a stare out the window. It's pure. Everything about this record is Operation U-Tree, man, isn't it, basically?

I don't know about that. No, it is. It is. It is. Right down to its essence. No, because at least if it's an Eros test, you have to be know about that. No, it is. It is. It is. You have to be down to its essence. No, because at least if it's an Eros test, you have to be

a certain age. Yeah, but there's children singing at the end of the record. No, it's more like women. It's like a village, kind of. It's all women

in a circle. It's a choir. Yeah, it's not children. It has a certain sort of... You put the children in that fantasy of yours. No, I haven't. It's not.

You put the children in that fantasy when it's clearly women. No, it wasn't me. It was Clifford T. Ward. Eli put children in that. Now, don't be defaming me. You put the children in that fantasy when it's clearly women. No, it wasn't me. It was Clifford T. Ward. Eli put children in that. Now, don't be defaming me. Eli put this in.

No, fuck off. Here we go. Oh, it's interesting, isn't it? It's on the same label, Charisma, who put out the Monty Python LPs. But they also, that one, do you remember that really rapey record that we listened to before? Yeah. Uwe Papa. Yeah.

Which was called Letter to a. Uwe Papa. Yeah. Uwe Mama. Which was called Letter to a Teenage Bride. Yeah. This is to an air hostess. So it's kind of similar title because it's sort of a message to... So these days, the equivalent would be a song called Dick Pick to a Babe Station Lady. Yes. Yeah.

But they wouldn't put that out on a major label because it would be sick. Yeah. But, you know. Anyway, I really hate that. And they wouldn't put that out on a major label because it would be sick. Yeah. But, you know. Anyway, I really hate that. And I can't believe. No. Dick pic to a primary school teacher. That's what I would call.

Yeah. That's more inappropriate, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw you teaching children the other day. And I sent you that picture anyway. Oh, oh, oh. Do you like it? No reply. Oh, oh, oh, do you like it? No reply.

Oh, we're the children's choir now. No, there's no children in this at all. Stop ruining my dick picture song by adding children. All right, start again. No, I'm done with it. I'll just do a choir. That's it. A grown-up choir.

No, I don't want to do it anymore. What's the third and final one? Well, are we going to mention the B side of that? Let's not. It's called Scullery and it's boring because it's exactly the kind of song you'd think he'd make with words like Scullery. Like he's painting an Edwardian kitchen scene. Yeah, but it just doesn't come over.

We need a score for that piece of shit. To an air hostess, Clifford T. Ward, what's your score on Silverman's Platters, Paul? Two. Well, thanks for saying it right in the middle of me talking. Two. And I will also give it two. Two.

Right. Stop saying two now. Two. No. Two. Don't mess with my two-two. Oh, my. My word.

Don't mess with my two-two. And the third platter today, Paul, that we'll be spinning. Yes. In many ways, the most interesting item of the bunch, I think. Is it now? It is New Life in Brooklyn. Yes, you are. This is actually very interesting, yes.

Now, they've laid out, I've realised, the way that they've laid it out is not clear. Because the side one, it says New Life in Brooklyn, Disco. Yeah, not Brusco, like you nearly said. New Life in Brusco! There's no comedy mileage out of that. Fuck off. But there is comedy mileage in swearing, kids, remember

that. I'll get John Cunninghole in here. No. No, I will. That'll mean John Cunninghall in here. No. No, I will. That'll mean Detective Wee Wee comes back. Right, okay. They can have a fucking

little argument at the end of this segment, yeah. That'll be exciting. Come on. So, New Life in Brooklyn and then on side two

it has, what does ASCAP mean? A-S-C-A-P. Oh, isn't that just the name of the label or something? No, it's something,

isn't it? It stands for something, doesn't it? Okay, Google, what's ASCAP. Oh, isn't that just the name of the label or something? No. It's something, isn't it? It stands for something, doesn't it? Okay, Google. What's ASCAP? These are the top results. The American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers. Yeah, see, I knew it was, yeah. It's an American not-for-profit performance rights organisation

that protects its members' musical copyrights by monetising public performances of their music, whether it's live or broadcast. So you've got the writers in brackets, but above that you have ASCAP, as in they must be affiliated to it or being protected by it. It's not released on a label that twice.

It's probably been released through ASCAP on limited release. Yeah, there is no label. You're right. It's really, really interesting to me. Where did you find that? I found it in a charity shop, not charity, a record store in florida in fort lauderdale

radioactive because it's interesting because basically we did a bit of research before the show about this should we listen to a bit yeah let's play a clip of what should we play first because we have to listen to two sides really yes i think we should listen to one side one disco here is new life in brooklyn Brokeback is cooking Grooving and grooving Brokeback is cooking Grooving and grooving Ooh Got new life, got new life

I got a brand new life right here in Brooklyn I love the life I'm living Oh, in Brooklyn, USA Oh, right here in Brooklyn Things are cooking every day There's a new life in Brooklyn, things are cooking every day. There's a new life in Brooklyn. I said a brand new life in Brooklyn. You know a new life in Brooklyn.

Brooklyn, USA. Yeah. So that's that. It's a disco tune, right? It's very porn. It's a disco tune, right? It's very porn. It's a cynically made, put together disco tune. It's a horrible disco tune. Basically, what this is, is a gas company in America

bought in the 1960s, early 70s... No, no, late 70s. Wait, I'm telling the story before you skip to that bit. Well, this is from 78. Right. So, even though we're Brits, we know the barest of details, but we did know that New York was in a pretty bad state

in the 70s and 80s, right? It certainly was. This gas company bought some old brownstone buildings in Brooklyn. The idea being to renovate them, right? And make them all brand new and update the area.

Brooklyn Union Gas. Yeah. Sponsored by, it's on this, this record. So they bought a few of these brownstones and the deal was they would all be powered by gas. So the heating would be the kitchen

stuff. Everything would be mainly gas. The cooking and the heating. Yeah. That development starts to go ahead and fast forward maybe a few years. I don't know what the status was. It feels like it was half done. It wasn't achieved to the ability of what they promised but they seem to have some kind of record to promote it.

To promote this. So the first site appeals to the demographic of the area, of Brooklyn. Because it's disco, which is black music, well, black and Latino music. Lots of crime and fortune in Brooklyn at that time. I'd say that was a black singer. Sounds like a black singer on that site, doesn't it, Paul?

So what, did they make the song to go, oh, all the youths of Brooklyn will play this at their clubs? Who knows? They just thought disco's the big thing,

you know, isn't it? So they're going to have to do disco. And in terms of disco cities, was it played on the radio, do you think?

It could have been, maybe, yeah. Maybe they got some people to play it on the radio. Hey, we got this, Jimmy Biscuit's record producer and I got this song and I want you to play it on the radio tell everybody what

we're doing in brooklyn but it's it's a it's a uh brother it's an advert essentially isn't it it's a sort of advert on a record um it's not the quality of the disco isn't of the quality that would get people going no it's it's very overproduced yeah it's session like isn't it where everyone's performing well but there's no soul to it it's very session-like. It's overproduced and nasty. It's session-like, isn't it? Where everyone's performing well, but there's no soul to it. It's just that. It's really bad, yeah. I mean, it's quite sort of,

I guess it's well-produced. Yeah. You've got an orchestra on there, like strings and stuff. It sounds the business. It's just, as I say, it reeks of corporate. And it does that thing at the end

where it goes up a key. Yeah. Which is always awful. But then on the side two, New Life in Brooklyn, Brooklyn Union Gas Cinderella theme, it says. Because it was called the Cinderella Project. Which Cinderella is because it was renewed. She turns into a princess, doesn't she?

Basically. She's a dirty old scrubber. And then she becomes a princess. Yeah. A bit like that woman who married Prince Harry recently. Hey-oh, that's topical, isn't it? I do. Royal comedy humour.

Willy, Willy, Willy. Willy, Willy, Willy. Willy, Willy, Willy. That's a new catchphrase. Is it? Willy, Willy, Willy. Oh, oh, oh. Willy, Willy, Willy.

Oh. That one, that's actually gold, Paul. Thank you. Can I hear it one more time? Willy, Willy, Willy. Oh, oh, oh. Willy, Willy, Willy. Oh.

Good. Can I hear it one more time? Willy, Willy, Willy. Oh, oh, oh. Willy, Willy, Willy. Oh, oh, oh. Good. Very good. The fuck's this podcast? Okay. Okay, so, but then you have a terrible, it's almost like you've got the disco version there, but the side two, it's like the white person version.

This is the awkward. Which has got a much more lounge, easy listening, Muzak feel to it, doesn't it? And it's awful. Awful. And it doesn't know when to fucking end. And keeps going New Life in Brooklyn over and over again at the end. And really pushes it home at the end. But this is the thing. Are you going to play a little section of that now? Right now. Got new life

Got new life Got new life, got new life I got a brand new life in Brooklyn A lot of life I'm living In Brooklyn here today Right here in Brooklyn Brooklyn's got to fly There's new life in Brooklyn in Brooklyn, USA So yeah, it couldn't be more white. It really couldn't be more

white. It's terrible. It's that coming to Brooklyn and then it's like brooklyn coming to new life in brooklyn new life in brooklyn new life in brooklyn brooklyn new life but what i like about it is those little quiet moments where you know what's happened this it's been played during this big launch and so some corporate guy comes out and goes our main message to Brooklyn is we're going to clean up and we're going to revitalise thanks to Union Gas

of Brooklyn. And maybe it helped but maybe it didn't because it seems like after 78 some of its darkest days were ahead of it in Brooklyn.

When did New York's proper get tidied up like mid 90s? Yeah, early to mid 90s I believe. Oh. It was always portrayed as a scary place

New York by and large wasn't it? It was around then late 70s early to mid 90s I believe. Oh. It was always portrayed as a scary place, New York, by and large, wasn't it? It was around then, late 70s, early 80s, it was really bad. If Death Wish movies told me anything, it's that you just can't trust anyone on the streets of New York. It was a good place if you were an artist or a musician, because the rent was dirt cheap, wasn't it? So you had that whole

thriving cultural scene, but there was a lot of violence, drugs and poverty. Yeah, well there you go. So that's an interesting item, Paul, because cultural scene but there was a lot of violence drugs and yeah and poverty yeah well there you go and then so that's an interesting item Paul because it's

there's no mention of it on the internet whatsoever no apart from the actual project of the Brooklyn the record isn't mentioned

is it no and it's labelless and it's just it's a perfect platter for me it's a perfect platter it's got heritage

it's got a story. It's got heritage. It's got a story. And it's got very cheesy music. Yeah. Overproduced cheesy music on it. And it kind of reminds me of that Noel Edmonds platter we had where that's that woman saying, Remember, remember the cards. Remember, remember.

They'll hate you if you don't get a card. Hi, I'm Noel Edmonds. I like to pretend I talk like a human, but I just can't. Anyway, I wish I could be there to say hello to you on this special day, but I'm not because I'm in a recording studio. I'm a lizard. So I'm going to take this £15,000 for this job. I'm a hairy lizard being from the other side.

And I will confuse you with my powers. I am Noel Edmonds. Have we mentioned that he recently called the Archbishop of Canterbury evil? Yeah. So that's peak Edmonds. Peak Edmonds. Yeah, love it. Yeah, bless him.

So, yeah, I'll need a score for The New Life in Brooklyn. It's hard to score, isn't it? It's hard to score. I'm going to give it four. For interest. Because it's more of a curio than anything musically you'd be interested in. We like curios. What about you?

I'd say four as well because of the curiosity factor. And a Moog special coming up. We'll cover, remember, we'll cover muscles who are on the Big Bear label with I'm Going to Synthesize You. So do you like that? Do you like muscles on Big Bear? I like a few of their tunes. Like I'm Going to synthesise you.

Because it has a fucking radioactively thermonuclear solo on it. It fucking goes So when it comes to Big Bear, you like muscles, right? Yeah. What else you got? No, what else? Do you know why? Because I like being fucked in the arse by

Big Bears, Paul. Yeah? Who've got big shiny muscles. And I like the music to go oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof, oof. And I like the air to smell of my own rectal mucus. Actung, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya. Actung, actung, ya, ya, ya. Disco dance music. This is not good, Paul.

Disco dance music. This is not good, Paul. Discord dance music. This is not good, Paul. Isn't it? No. Isn't it? So what? So what if I get three bears up into the House of Pickles every Sunday? Go at me.

Oh, well, that's the end of that segment. The Pummel House, I call it. Yeah, good. Welcome to the Pummel House. And they bring their own poultices. They go to the pommel house and they bring their own poultices. You should be ashamed of yourself. Why?

Just. Why? Just listen back. Why? Because you haven't acquitted yourself well today. Have I? No. Have I not?

No. Why? You've disgraced yourself. Why? I've disgraced myself. I don't know why. I've disgraced myself. I don't know why. I don't know why you do it, Paul. How have I disgraced myself?

I don't know, because you've got a lack. You don't know. You have a lack inside. A lack of something. This is because I said you had no soul. Or rather, lacking one that functionally works properly. I don't believe in the soul, Paul. Oh, whatever.

I don't believe any of your one-boat-jumbo bullshit. Why won't you let God in? Is that what this is about now? Let God in. Who's there? Hello. Oh, yeah? It's God.

Let me in. Let me in. I've been waiting for this, right? Yes, Eli. All my life. This is your chance to talk to God. I've got someone who's going to... Yeah, boy. Come on. He's going to deal with this for me. He's going to speak on my behalf, but I've got... This is your chance to talk to God. I've got someone who's going to... Yeah, boy.

Come on. He's going to deal with this for me. He's going to speak on my behalf, okay? Okay. And his name is John Coneyhole. I'm just going to go and let him in. Yes. Hello, John Coneyhole.

Hey, hello. I'm... What's all this shit with the man upstairs? Want to talk to me, yeah? I'm God. Who want to talk to me? John Coneyhole. And I'm here to judge want to talk to me? John Conyer. And I'm here to judge you. I'll tell

you something. You come down here, say, oh, I want to speak to Eli. I think, oh, no, I'm John Conyer. I thought I'd just let that run out. It's just like watching a man.

It's almost as if Columbo just found you out for murder This is your breakdown moment Just one more thing Mr Silverman So in conclusion I don't kind of hope Come back to the character ladies and gentlemen That's exciting isn't it

I share to you God No you must prove in a bigger way That just annoys your mouth That's what Eli isn't it? I say to you, God, no, you must prove in a bigger way than just a noise of mouth, okay? That's what Eli says, okay? Is that right, Eli? Yes, that's right. Thanks, Mr. Cunninghull. Good shit.

I've got to go now. I'll see you at John Cunninghull. You've got to go. Yes. Yes, goodbye. Yes. So, don't mess with him yet. Is that done?

Is that done? Well, I'm the God. He fucked off, didn't he? I'm still here, buddy. Oh. I want to talk to you. I want to make you a wise guy. Okay.

I want to make you one of God's players. I want you to come under my holy wing, and I want you to become true to God. Let me into your heart. Let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in, let me let me in let me in let me in I see Paul you've gone oh I've gone mad

no stop threatening violence I've gone mad with you yes you know no that was a character God just started repeating the same word

over and over again the characters have to fucking stop we have to stop I know I know. I know. It's becoming a proper worry from mental health. Look at us.

Let's do some story cubes and then everyone will think that we can do stuff. Right, so a long time ago, we did an episode where I found some story cubes in a charity shop, but they weren't, as you would say, brand. Are these Rory's? These are Rory's story cubes. And I found them in a charity shop for £1.50. Usually these go for about...

Jackanory. ...10 quid. Sorry, I won't interrupt again. You won't, but you're going to, aren't you? No, I'm not going to. So the idea is very simple. Go back. I'm interested in the brand.

Sorry. Just go back a bit. Rory's Story Cubes. Yes. And they retail for a tenner you were saying I think these are quite expensive for what they are

which is just dice when you think about it yeah but they've got pictures then they've got kind of laser cut into the surface they're engraved in I mean they're very nicely put together you know

it's can you join all nine images to create a story Rory Story Cubes is a pocket sized visual story generator that sparks the imagination of all ages a non-compet story generator that sparks the imagination of all ages.

A non-competitive game for one or more players. Cool. I like non-competitive games. You don't do yet. You fucking love it. No, I do. Now, Paul, I think it's quite interesting because I read a book about philosophy that made a distinction

between two types of games. Yeah. Finite games. Okay. of games. Yeah. Finite games. Okay. Like Fortnite. No. Finite Fortnite. Is that a game? Don't.

I'm trying to get down with the kids. Finite games, which is any game that has an end. Okay. Right. Yeah. And infinite games. Yeah. And it's good categorization because infinite games is any game where the point of the game is to keep the game going.

And that's what this is. This is an infinite. That's good, isn't it? But finite games and all other competitive games, because if you think about it, what you're trying to do when you're, let's say, playing a game of football is get the game finished as soon as possible. You're trying to go towards the end where you win. You're trying to get the result. You're not trying to elongate the game itself, are you? Yeah, you don't want it to drag out.

Yeah, but the actual point is you're trying to... If you're playing chess, for example, you're trying to get to checkmate. You're trying to finish the game. Get to a point when you finish. Do you see what I mean? Yeah. Well, I think it's quite a profound distinction.

But then other games, like, let's say, it can apply to all sorts of stuff. I would say maybe the Binding of Isaac for me. Is that an infinite game? The point is to keep it going. No, because you're trying to get to the end. But because it's rogue generated

means it's kind of infinite in terms of the possibility of what you can do in that game. Yes. But the point of the game is to continue. It probably straddles both. Story cubes.

Anyway, they're quite popular. I just thought that's an interesting little distinction there. It's a lovely little box with a sliding section. It doesn't have a sliding section. Oh, no. Well, how does this work?

Oh, it's got a magnetised flap. We are a big fan of the magnetised flap. Okay. Lovely magnetised flap. You're right. I can see how they've priced this at 10. And again, the actual pictures on the dice faces are engraved in probably laser cut yeah no it's all good nice detail on those they are quite you can see how they retail for

tenner because the last ones i got look quite cheap and it came in that tube i think it was an ikea toy box you know this is this is the real deal and you uh picked it up on the cheap did you i did one pound 50 says they're lovely you vouch for that. And these are in perfect nick as well. And these are a lot of fun. Me and Anthony were playing these the other day just for a laugh to try and make a giggle. What? Nothing sexy happened.

But you did have a giggle. Yeah, we had a proper giggle playing it. And I thought, why not bring it in to the hallowed walls of the House of Pickles and me and you will make a few stories. Have you seen my new ashtray? Yeah. Because I'm moving it, I might as well mention it.

It's a nice ashtray. It's nice, isn't it? Great. It's a glass ashtray, everyone. How much did it cost? Seven. Seven quid? Well, this kind of glass goes for...

No, it's nice. I'm not complaining about the price. I was just confirming you said seven. It's not really for the show, because it's not that cheap. I'm going to have to take a picture of it now anyway, aren't i because you've mentioned it and people might want to know about your ashtray nice that i was just moving it because that's why i'm gonna play the dice yeah i guess hey what is wrong with you stay focused i've got adhd today don't really do

i'm sorry i don't want to see your little gummy sweet chilly milly isn't it I know it's from the other episode Paul yeah weeks and weeks ago well people like a call back don't eat it don't eat it you're going to eat it anyway don't make a big deal of it because otherwise

you would have thrown it out by now I'm not going to eat it you are why are you saving it yeah oh it fell there I'll have to eat it later let's get this dyed shit going

you're disgusting anyway there's loads of things on these cubes I'm not going to read all of them out because it's boring to listen to. But just at a quick glance, there's an apple, there's a beetle. I can see a light bulb.

There's a wig on it. A walking cane, a key. Yeah, there's a few things in there. An aeroplane. There's a lot. How many dice are there? Nine. Nine.

Yeah, that's quite a few. It says on the front, we're going for an adventure here. Nine cubes, 54 images, and over 10 million combinations. Infinite stories. It's combinatory. So, we're just going to have a little bit of fun telling stories in these cubes. We're going to go take turns, are we? Yeah, I think so.

I think what we should do is maybe take turns, right? Where you tell a story, I tell a story. Then the third time, we'll do a cube each, and we'll get to the end. Okay. Yeah? Fine. All right? Yeah.

So, do you want to put a time limit on the story? Do I? I don't know. Do I? Let's see how you go. All right, let's see how we go. It's you go first. It's your story time first.

I'll tell you what. I'm going to roll it into this hat, because it'll be noisy otherwise. It won't be flat in the hat. No, that's not going to work at all. Oh, God. I just don't want to... I'll get a flat-bottom thing, yeah, for you to do it, yeah? I've got a flat-bottom thing.

Just give us a sec. All right it I've got this new scarf as well mate come on do you want my new scarf? no I'm sorry about this ladies and gentlemen that will have to do I'll hold it Paul just leave it in my lap

he's given me a frying pan lid so it's going to be noisy anyway here's the first roll I'm going to be noisy, isn't it? I'll have to just do it. Anyway, here's the first roll. I'm going to do all nine at once. Oh! I've got an alien mask, a clock, a smiley face,

some directions, a question mark, a tree, a moon, a dice itself, and a fire. And your time you said there was no time limit on it I'll just

till I get bored I'm not going to drag it out it's going to be good here we go I'll hold it you need to you need to remove each die when you've discussed it

so that you know what you're doing I'll just move it from that side no just give it to me once you've done it you hand it to me alright then are you ready to tell the best story of your whole life?

Yeah. Let's go. Let's go. So, this story is called Paul and the Outermongers. I don't like this already. Shut up. Once upon a time, there was a very talented boy named Paul. And he liked to hang out.

And he was a very smiley boy. He liked to always smile at everyone he meets because he was so lovely. And everyone loved Paul. So his favourite place to cry In the whole world Was The oak tree In old grumbly farmer Grumbles field And he would go there and go

Boo hoo hoo everybody likes me But I'm just so dissatisfied I wish I was more of a genius And Then suddenly Suddenly and then suddenly suddenly I have gone to sleep this story

is so lame and so under the tree I got sleepy tired and the time went by and I fell asleep and then when I woke up lots of time had passed and there was a fire a fire in the tree because lightning had struck it and i went oh i mean paul went oh no there's a there's lightning

in my favorite crying tree so he ran and he ran but he didn't know which direction to go in direction on the cube and he got lost in the in farmer grumbly's uh forest right um he didn't know where to go question mark he was lost so um so he went to uh he he basically um decided to use chance instead to get him through so he took the dice he had in his pocket the dice he had and he said if he rolled an even number he would go west said if he rolled an even number, he would go west, and if he rolled an odd number, he would go east. So he rolled the dice. I didn't know which

way to go. And it was an odd number, and he went west. Can't remember which direction he said for that. East. He went east on the odd number, even. And he followed the moon to get out of the forest. I thought he said he'd go east.

What if the moon was the other way? Fucking inconsistencies in this. Anyway, shut up. I'll take that one back, then. So then all of a sudden, there's this glowing light. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And Paul went, oh, what's this? And it was a spaceship with an alien in it.

And he went, oh, Paul, you're the most amazing boy in the whole wide world. People on this planet just don't appreciate your genius and your wit and your smarts. Fuck me.

And so we're going to fly you to the moon. And so they flew Paul to the moon and made a moon base for him. And he was all alone in his moon base where he controlled all the aliens.

What about the aliens who took him there? They're the Outermongers. They just left him. They left Paul on the moon base all alone. Why are they the Outermongers? To rule over his teddy bears. They sell Outers. Because they're from Outer and they're mongers. So

the Outermongers built a spaceship for Paul, no, a moon base, and he lived on the moon base, and he was king of the moon. Okay. And Paul lived happily ever after. Thanks very much. The end.

Thank you very much for that, Paul. I think the... Uncle Arthur! Arthur! I think the less said about that, the better. Honestly, I don't know what I can add. I can't add anything to that. Sometimes genius stories like this need many years to be processed.

I wouldn't even call it a story, Paul. It was a story. It was a journey of a boy who found himself on the moon. He cried by a tree and then he talked a load of shit till an alien took him away. That was it. That was one incident. He walked to a tree.

That's all you got out of nine separate stories. One incident. Give me the fucking thing. Right. I think that was a great story. He is so deluded. Anyway. You're deluded. Fat prick. Fucking hell. I may be fat.

Go on. Roll your dice. Least time. Impotent. And depressed. Yeah fat Go on roll your dice Least I'm Impotent And depressed Go on Now let's get a good clang on with this Oh if you want to get a good clang on by all means You muffled it Don't hold it that way

You've got to roll And fucking look I'll get some good clang on Oh for fuck's sake Yes Hang on Now You look like a bellend.

Right, okay. What have you got? I have got a fountain. Yeah, a fountain. A crescent moon. A crescent moon. An arrow. An arrow.

A magnifying glass. A magnifying glass. A keyhole. A keyhole. A clock face. A clock. I think that's like a letter, or maybe it's a passport, or a credit card, or a bank card. It's a credit card debit, or credit card.

Yeah, something like that. Smiley face. Yeah. Slightly anxious around the eyes. And a sheep. And a sheep. That's interesting. So, again, you will hand me the cubes, right, when you're done?

Yes. Eli Silverman, regale us with your StoryCube Rory Storytime Story. Hello there. I'll tell you a story. Hmm. Go on. Lots of stories start in the countryside. People grow up there,

spend their whole lives there, and then they die. This is a story about someone who lived in the countryside, but were they a person, Paul? I'd hope so. No, they were a sheep. They were a sheep. Yeah? And that sheep's name, for the purposes of this story, is Vegemite Charlie.

Vegemite Charlie. The sheep's name. Vegemite Charlie. Vegemite Charlie. Vegemite Charlie the sheep. He lived a very pleasant life. He had enough water. There was a big fountain in the middle of his pen. Oh, that's good. Yeah, fountain. That's very handy. And he generally felt quite happy.

Good, happy, cute guy. And until one day. So far, no incident. He got a call from the bank Right And they said Vegemite Charlie They said just don't fucking interrupt now

And they said hello, is that Mr Charlie? Yes, this is V Charlie Said Vegemite So he has a phone as well Yes He has a paddock Kitted out with a phone And a hot tub.

He's got a fucking good life, this Vegemite. He has, and he's got a fountain, as we mentioned, a lovely ornate fountain. A bank account. Now, and the bank called him and said, it's a little issue with your card.

Oh. It expires. Has he been buying child porn? It expires next month. And then Vegemite went, well, I don't see what the problem is. Simply renew my card, as has happened every other time.

And they said, no. What fucking story involves a sheep renewing his bank card? What boring shit. Just give me a chance, right? At least mine was whimsical. Fuck off. Just give me a chance. And so the person on the bank said, no, I don't think you understand.

I'm going to be put on hold now. When this card expires, that's your expiry date as well. Because you're a lamb. A lamb sheep. And you must be butchered. You're going to be killed. You're going to be killed. A lamb sheep and the bank's threatening him.

You're going to be killed for lamb. They're not threatening him. They're saying your card will be cancelled. But then he inadvertently finds out through the loose lips of some employee from the bank that he is to be slaughtered because what else does a sheep do? So he's like, oh, oh God, oh God, I thought my life was great

but it looks like the farmer's coming for me and he's going to slaughter me. All because he's not renewing his bank card. And time is running out. Time. Yeah, I got it. So he thought, I'll never get out of here because my farm is in the middle of nowhere.

It's several thousand miles from the nearest ocean or big city because I'm out here in the boondocks. I'm Vegemite Charlie and I'm in a bit of a tizzers. Tizzers? What's in a tizzers? What's going on?

So he's gone up. He's panicking. He's panicking and he's gone up to the farmhouse and he hears talking inside. He hears mumblings inside the farmhouse. He puts his ear up to the keyhole. Yeah. And he can hear the farmer in there. And the farmer said,

Oh, tell you what, I fancy lamb chops. So I'm just going to bring forward the extermination of our favourite, most juicy lamb, Vegemite Charlie. Poor Vegemite Charlie. Now, you're my wife. Hello, I'm

Mrs. The Farmer. And I'll go sharpen the knives, shall I? Yeah, you go do that and I'll go round him up. Vegemite Charlie knew that his time was numbered. His time was numbered. And he had to leave right then. Even though it was only a crescent moon, there was some light upon the path. Crescent moon path Crescent moon

Crescent moon, got it He saw a sign It had a direction It said The town and freedom And so he followed that And he got there eventually Almost starving to death

But eventually Vegemite Charlie Arrived in Brisbane, Australia For that is where this story was going on And then he set up... You can't just tell us now that. Then why did the former sound like he was from Yorkshire? Well, he was... He moved there.

From Yorkshire. He's an expat. And so, Vegemite Charlie found himself in the big city of Brisbane. And then he set himself up in a job as a private detective and he used a magnifying glass. End of story.

So basically what you... Story of Vegemite Charlie! What have you got to say, Paul? First of all, it sounded literally like you combined the plots of both Babe and Babe 2, Pig in the City. Very good, thank you. No. They're my influences. Yeah. No. That... Can you remember what happened in your story, Paul? Yeah. What? So, Paul

was a very genius boy. And he went to a tree to cry. And then an alien took him to the moon. Yeah. Right. Let's look at what happened in my story. A bank called a sheep up to tell him to renew his card. Immediately, I'm liking this more. And then because you stumbled narrative-wise,

you then had to make it a kind of race against time for him to evade the chop. Yeah. And then... It's got espionage. It's got like... And then he walks all the way to Australia. He's got survival.

Not to Australia. He started in Australia. He dropped that in at the end for no reason. No. Because none of us... But it's colour. Anyway. I won. That's it. It's not... It's non- for no reason. No, but it's colour. Anyway, I won. That's it.

It's non-competitive. Okay, we're going to... Yeah. Very good story, though. Yeah, we're going to do a cube each now to finish. Right, so you put... Put the clang-a-lang-a. Get the clang on.

Clang-a-nuts. One last time. Story cubes are in my hand. I'm giving them a good old shuffle in me palms. Win it, Friday. Oh, it's spinning. One last one is spinning. It's got magnifying glass.

Okay. Right. So, shall I say what we have first? Yeah, say what we have first. And then do they have to all be in a row? No, I think what we should do is one of us starts the story, then we choose what square we want next to kind of see where the story can go. So for the final section of Rory's Story Dice Tryout here on Cheap Show, everybody,

we have in one. No, this is not a bullseye. A magnifying glass. Magnifying glass. In two. It's just so addictive to do that. To be fair, it is. I'm sorry. I've got it out of my system.

Three. Two is a tree. Three is a flame. Flame. Four is the happy smelling face. It's him again. He's fucking all over the place. He turns up a lot. Then we've got a question mark. A sleeping face.

A magic wand sprinkling fairy dust out its end, like it's coming. I'm not going anywhere near that. What else? Direction. Another direction. So multiple directions. That's like a compass.

However you want to interpret it. However you want to interpret it. I'll interpret it as a really close-up picture of like a beaver's ar interpret it. Okay. However you want to interpret it. I'll interpret it as a really close-up picture of, like, a beaver's arsehole. Great. Look at that. It could squirt you. Mike, can we tell the last story then, now, please?

Quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank. We've still got one more episode to do and it's already generated into this. Quank, quank, quank, quank, quank, quank. Here is Paul. Who's starting this story? You are. Right, okay, so. Not with Paul was a very canty boy who had a fucking problem with his life. One day. Fuck.

What, should I start? No, I'll start. Sorry. Fuck me. Today's story is the story of Mr Nervous. Oh, don't be nervous, Mr Nervous. Oh, don't be nervous Mr Nervous. One day, Mr Nervous was in his house being very nervous when all of a sudden

he found a magnifying glass and he said you know what makes me nervous? The fact that my arsehole might fall out. I'm going to use this magnifying glass to look at my own arse. Up close. So he did. He bent over and he put the magnifying glass to look at my own arse up close. So he did. He bent over and he put the magnifying

glass on his anus and he tried to lean around to see it, but his body wouldn't bend that way. But the sunlight came through the magnifying glass and then set fire to his sphincter. And his sphincter looked like this, Paul. Yes, it looked like that. Looked just like that. But on

fire now. But on fire. So just put that one on top of that one. Yeah, so that's oned just like that. But on fire now. But on fire. So just put that one on top of that one. Yeah, so that's on top of there. So the sphincter is on fire. And he went, ow. Whose go is it now then? Mine, because you picked up the thing. So his arse is on fire.

What happens, Paul? He didn't have a clue, with the question mark, what to do. He panicked. So he ran around outside in the street and he went oh oh me bums on fire me bums on fire yeah and uh the only person out there was a guardsman and the guardsman was asleep no he's asleep he tries to wake the guardsman maybe paul don't look at me I'm trying to help you so he he went he went up to the guardsman

and he took a big pointy stick and jabbed it with him and he went jabbed it with him jabbed it at him at him and he jabbed it

at the guardsman and he went and the guardsman woke up what's going on? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. And me bum's on fire. I thought I could smell singed arse. Yes. It stinks.

Luckily, I'm a magician. Oh. And I've got a magic wand. I'm a guard on the sly. Not on the sly. They know I'm doing it. Yeah. It's your cover story. Well, it's on the sly. Not on the sly. They know I'm doing it. Yeah. But I'm a...

It's your cover story. Well, it's my cover story, but I also do get paid. So it works out, you know, both ways. But I am also a magician and a wizard of some standing

in the occult community. Oh, me bums. I'm fired. So I can deal with that. I've got my wand out. Wand. Getting the wand out. And what I'll do

is I'll grow this tree. Mate, that's my cue. Oh, sorry. I'll just is I'll grow this tree. Mate, that's my cue. Oh, sorry. I'll just... I'll re-roll you one to finish with. No! Because I've got this. I'm going...

I've got something here. All right. Oh, magic Abra. Tree grow and extinguish arse on fire. Da da. So what? A tree grew out of his arse then? No, it grows under him so quickly.

I'm glad you asked, Paul, because I'm continuing the story. A tree grew so quickly. Russell, Russell, Russell. And all the extreme wind of this magic tree came right up under our character who I can't remember

his name now. Mr Nervous. Mr Nervous. And it put it out. It put out his arse fire. It spat all over me. It put out his arse fire it spat all over me it put out his arse fire right

I roll the dice then now no not that one I should roll the one the tree on that you robbed from me do the new mum and then what happened we've got an eye

ladies and gentlemen an eye so all of a sudden Mr Nervous is at the top of a great big tree and the magicians below are going

oh you can't get down. And suddenly, the voice went, this is the Big Brother house. Please don't swear. You're on live TV. Mr Nervous, you've been voted out of the house. We're coming to get you. And then Davina McCall came and took from Big Brother's show, reality show. And it was all on telly the whole time.

It was a challenge to win a postcard from your dead mum. And then Davina came and got Mr Nervous out. And Mr Nervous was interviewed. To win a postcard from your dead mum? Yeah, because it happened when they were inside. And so Mr N mr nervous didn't know so uh mr nervous gets interviewed by davina mccall and they talk over his highlights like when he burned how was he out on a street in big brother how did it doesn't make sense with the

rest of the stories was a fake street yeah is that big brother doesn't have that kind of budget it's one house it's in the future where they've built it's in the future like a little you're shit no you are shit i mean i was a bit rough around the edges but at least ah mate i'm really really unhappy about this you can find me on twitter E-L-I-S-N-O-I-D thank you thanks everyone yeah well that's cheap shit

for another episode yeah bloody hell big brother fucking hell so depressing I had a treat email us shut up

shut up okay thank you for supporting us on Patreon your donations help keep this show alive and kicking if you want to

donate anything and get involved, go to patreon.com forward slash cheap show. We deeply, deeply, lovely appreciate it. We love you for that. Email us anything you want. The Gmail.

The Gmail. Email us anything you want. www.thecheapshow.co.uk Go to that website if you want to. And there are pictures that accompany this episode. Also email us anything you want. Thecheapshow at gmail.com We're on Tumblr we're on facebook or on twitter at the cheap show pod

i'm at paul gannon show and eli's at eli snoid e-l-i-s-n-o-i-d and that's another episode by the time this one goes out the live show will be around the corner um if you're coming bring your phone look at that resonance hear that resonance phone bring your tap. It's got a lovely tone, my new ashtray. Bring your phone. Look at that resonance. Hear that resonance. Bring your phone. Bring your tap.

Bring your food. Bring your phone. Let's pull. Let's put a warning out right now. Is this going out before the live show, yeah? Yeah. No drinking too much, everybody, before the show. Including you.

I'm not going to touch a drop. You're going to be fucking hungover. I'm not going to be any of this. I won't drink on this. I won't drink that night. Because I know I've got to be professional. Then you'll turn up today. Oh, mate, I can't fucking do this.

I will not. I can't fucking do this. I'll prove you wrong, Paul. I can't fucking do this. And then you'll be low-key the whole fucking show. I'm not going to be low-key. Then you'll be Thanos. Then you'd be Thanos. Thanos.

That's it. That's it. That's it.かかかたつえたつえおいたつえ