CheapShow - Ep 99: Tales From the Crapt

Episode Date: October 25, 2018

So, it's Halloween again is it? All ghosts and ghoulies and all that jazz... We are keeping it simple this year. Just a collection of cheap trick r treat candy, a few spooky tunes, a horror comic to read... and a mysterious piece of parchment with a terrible power... Nothing special at all! And if you like us, why not support us: www.patreon.com/cheapshow Share & Enjoy. Subscribe or Die! www.thecheapshow.co.uk If you want to get involved, email us at [e-mail] And if you have to, follow us on Twitter @thecheapshowpod or @paulgannonshow & @elisnoid If you like what you hear, please spread the word! Like, Review, Share, Comment... LOVE US!

Okay so I've got this checklist of this weird document that Brandoff gave me and it's dated for today so just see if I've got any of this stuff. It says a spicy gherkin okay I've got those yeah no problem. What else is there? It says embryo of mole mole where am I gonna get a mole embryo I'm just gonna use like a plastic I'll do it I'll use one of my plastic I'll use a little plastic cat for that that's fine I mean you know it's it's magic it doesn't matter it's just it's the thought that counts with this half of yeah this is the one I did a bottle of piss so I've got that my own piss

and then we're good and then what does it say with the time recant the invocation at midnight alright are we ready to get going with this recording yeah yeah I'm fine hang on

alright can I come in just get going with this recording yeah yeah yeah i'm fine hang on all right can i come in yeah i'm just putting my penis away paul okay fuck's sake this fucking podcast why can't i see your penis this fucking podcast invades every aspect of my life i'm just trying to have my fucking nuts out. Right, I'm here now. So, why are we doing this so late today? You know I don't like late ones. Because you came over two hours late. No, you said that I'm not going to be free till nine. So I'm here now. That's where we

must have got our wires crossed, because fuck you. I hate it. You know it can be shit as well. I just get all... Yeah, I know. And you get all... And I'm like... We don't talk like that.

It's not even at our lowest. We don't do... But honestly, Paul... I'm not really in the mood for a Halloween episode, I'll be honest, this time out. Sorry, listeners, we're not going to put any effort in this time. It's fucking 11 at night. I know, I know. Let's just get this going, please. Do're not going to put any effort in this time. It's fucking 11 at night. I know.

I know. Let's just get this going, please. Do an intro. Make it a little bit spooky. Fuck Halloween. You know how it goes. Mwah. Mwah.

Mephisto. It's a... It's a jibjaw. And it's a spooky one for Halloween. Mephisto! What did you say? What was that last bit? Mephisto!

Movie star? No, Mephisto. That's the way he says it. Movie star. I'll try again, yeah? Alright, go on. Wah! Ha!

Ha! Ha! Oh! Shiver me timbers. It's a cheap show time. And we are here with a Halloween special. I'm Eli Incredibly Creepy Silverman. And here is Paul the Gammon Chopper Ganon. Welcome to Cheap Show. Paul the Gammon Chopper Ganon!

Welcome to Cheap Show. I'm a fizzed up! I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles, alright? It's a fact of Chief's show, you're gonna have to fucking reset. Noodle time. Time for the dance floor. Welcome to Cheap Show. Yes, it's that time of year again. My favourite time of year.

All Hallows' Eve. It's your total top holiday. Sam Hain himself is visiting us. Who is Sam Hain? Isn't that how Halloween was originally called? It was originally called Sam Hain. Did you have a little shudder then? No.

There was a little shudder went through you then. I don't know. Mate, you're really feeling the spirit. When you said Samhain then, it went... Well, maybe I've got a little bit of Sam in me today. No, but he's not a person is what I'm trying to fucking tell you. No, I know. It's the name of the festival, Samhain.

Yeah, so it's just a Swedish word or something. It's a Scandinavian word for the festival. We should have done the research. I'm not doing research. I'm not doing research. I'm not on Halloween. I don't do that. That's a religious holiday for us, Halloween.

We don't work on Halloween. What I like about Halloween, apart from the horror theming, is you don't have to do anything. No, not really. You do, so you can just go out and fuck it. You don't have to buy presents. You don't buy presents. You don't have to see people. No. You don't have to dress up. No. You don't have to do anything. No, not really. So you could just go, ah, fuck it. You don't have to buy presents. You don't buy presents. You don't have to see people.

No. You don't have to dress up. No. You don't have to do fuck all. That suits me. The best you can do is watch a horror film and get all a bit spooky. If you like. If you want.

If not. If not, don't. You could just tell kids to fuck off. Fuck off outside of my house. Fuck off from outside of my house. Ding dong. Hello, Mr. Trick or Treat. Now, listen.

You fuck off from outside of my house. Okey-doke, sir. Good, yeah. You told me. I don't do Halloween. No. Good. Oh.

It's weird, though, because every time I get a bowl of sweets for Halloween kids, for Trick or Treat. You get a bowl of them. I get a bowl of sweets. You get a bowl of them. I get a bowl of sweets. You get a bowl ready. Right. No one comes to the door. But when I don't bother,

ding dong, what do you want? It's a sub-colourary. What? Sub-colourary. It's a sub-rule. A corollary rule. What do they call it?

I literally don't know. A corollary. It correlates. All right. It's a sub-corollary rule. What do they call it? I literally don't know. A corollary. It correlates. All right. It's a sub-corollary rule. Are you sure that's a word, though? I'm pretty sure it isn't. Yeah, I'm beginning to doubt it.

But it's a sub-rule. Let's just say that. It's Sod's Law. Oh, is it? No. Murphy's Law, isn't it? Murphy's. Murphy's Law is if anything bad can happen, it will happen or something. No, that's Sod's Law. What's Murphy's law is if anything bad can happen it will happen or something

no that's sod's law what's Murphy's law then? people rise to the level of their incompetence okay is that it? no that's that's Cole's law

what's Murphy's law then? do you know what Cole's law is? Cole's law yeah that gag is it that gag? I tried to yeah well fuck you you stopped me at the hedge.

I'm the king of gag stoppers. You really did. Halt, gag stopper. There'll be no punchline here. Thank you, yes. Well, your gag stopper really fucking came into action there. Halt. No, I think Murphy's Law and sods are basically the same thing.

Different names for the same law. Okay, Google. Oh, fucking hell. What's Murphy's Law and sods are basically the same thing. Different names for the same law. Okay, Google. Oh, fucking hell. What's Murphy's Law? This is the definition of Murphy's Law. A supposed law of nature, expressed in various humorous popular sayings, to the effect that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. And what is sods law?

Okay, Google. What is sods law? Here's a summary from Wikipedia. Sods law is the axiom that if something can go wrong, it will. It's just the same. It's just the same. Shut up, love. Shut up.

No, she was going to say something interesting then. It's borrowed from Finagle's Law. Finagle's Law. Which I presume is just the same thing. It was coined by John W. Campbell Jr., the influential editor of Astounding Science Fiction, who used it frequently in his editorials between the 1940s and 60s.

Think Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives, also known as Melody's Law or Murphy's Law. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong and at the worst possible moment. Like in a farce, when the vicar is in the cupboard hiding with the wife and his belt elastic goes right at the same time.

Patwang! Patwang! And he goes, ooh, I wasn't trying, I was just trying to get her to the vestibule. Ooh, my truffles have all gone fumpity-fumpy! Yes! Ooh, flop-a-flop-a-flop-a-flop! What's this? I'm doing a sound effect. All his stuff's falling out because he's

twang! Anyway, it's our Halloween special Eli's drinking green tea yes like a healthy healthy man green for Halloween though

ooh spooky slime tea slime it doesn't matter if you say it in a different time can I just add something to this whole

laws discussion if you really think about it it basically is related to the second law of thermodynamics as well. Which is? Entropy increases in a closed system. Which means? Things generally sort of slow down and get worse.

Very generally speaking. Things sort of lose energy. Energy is dissipated out and, you know, all sorts of kind of decays. I think you've lost the audience. I don't care. I think you've lost the cheap show audience. I think the second law of thermodynamics has been sort of happening in my mouth over the last 30 seconds.

What does that mean? What are you talking about? Entropy, Paul! I don't know what's going on. I'm just saying perhaps the more science literate of our listeners will be able to see the connection I'm making between the Sodds and Murphys and Finagles various laws and

the laws of thermodynamics Hello, if you want something done at the worst possible time, get in touch with us at Sodds, Murphys and Finagles we are the firm for you we will make sure that yes your pants do fall down at the local village tea party need something to go wrong not just wrong really wrong at the wrong time well i'm i'm eric finagle and this is my brother sod hello why am i a sod you

sod that's my surname do you know what I also realised What? The other day When someone calls someone a sod They're being homophobic What really? Sodomite Sodomy

Oh Don't think of it There's so many homophobic connotations To words that you just think are just sort of cuss words I know We need to be more careful of our language And treat it like delicate porcelain You only use on a very special day.

I made the connection myself. Sounds pretty convincing, doesn't it? Yeah. Was it? I think that is it. I think that's the derivation of sod. Well, you buggering sod. Thanks, Paul. So what have we got coming up on this very spooky edition of Halloween? In our low-key Halloween special this year, we're just going to do...

It's a low-key Halloween special with Thor's brother. We did that gag an episode or two ago. Did we? Because Emma said Thanos and you went rat-a-tat-a-tat-a and then we interviewed. It was that good. Sorry, everyone. Law of diminishing returns. Gobstopper.

No, I mean Jokestopper. Halt. This gag has been done. Yes,per. No I mean Jokestopper. Halt. This gag has been done. Yes thank you. Do not proceed to punchline. Thank you Mr

Gagstopper. Bye bye. Bye. There he goes. Oh he's a superhero. He's a superhero that Cheap Show

needs. He does. Actually unlike a lot of the characters that kind of bubble up Paul. Gagstopper is actually one who might, you know, have some utility here. He might save our lives.

He might stop us from doing low-key puns. Oh, he came by again. Oh, he's just seeing if I'm going to do it. He's doing a drive-by. He's doing a loop-de-loop. Oh, he's showing off. Oh, he's got his junk out. He's got his big junk out.

Oh, he's wobbling his massive gobby junk around. It's very hypnotising. It's raining pubes. So, Paul. It's raining pubes. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. It's raining pubes.

All over me. I'm going to go out. I'm going to get myself get absolutely hairy. It's raining pubes down my throat. It's raining pubes. Dark brown, short and curly. Eat them up with a curly whirly. That would help you to get them down, wouldn't it?

It's raining piawbs. Curly whirlies That would help you to get them down wouldn't it It's raining piaubs Curly Whirlies there's a little nostalgic They still make them though Yes but you don't see

them around a lot I don't see them around a lot these days maybe in a little I haven't seen them in years They're sold probably

in the same small region of the North East that still have cheese moments Maybe It's a belief I want to hold dear yeah there is some small part of britain that still has the triumvirate of snacks which are scampi scampi fries crispy flavors what they call crispy

bacon fries yeah and cheese moments well if you're out there... Cheese-flavoured moments is what their actual name. Yeah. Cheesy moments is just whenever you fucking talk to your girlfriend. Oh! Wait! Stop! There was no need for that pun, sir. I'm sorry, Mr. Gagstopper.

There'll be no more puns upon that level in this episode. You know what? I just realised this episode with the now introduction of this character could end up just ruining the flow. Because, you know, we're just going to be pulling each other up on our shit.

I haven't done Gagstopper. No, well, you can't. Well, tell him... He's a Paul Gannon TM creation. I'll tell you what, Paul. A little behind the scenes here. Yeah. Right?

I know how to deal with this. Just do Gagstopper's final speech of this episode now. Yeah. He has to go and beat the evil punster. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

But it's going to take a long time because it's in an extra dimension on the other side of the universe. And then the continuity will be. Sorry about that, Mr. Gagstopper. I shouldn't have done that. Well, think twice next time you try and pun. God bless Britain. Well, I'm glad you're here, Mr. Gagstopper. Sir, Gagstopper, what do next time you try and pun. God bless Britain. Well, I'm glad you're here, Mr. Gagstopper, what I call you. You can call me Stopper.

Stopper, because we're going to do lots of shit gags that we might have repeated before for the rest of the episode. We really could do with you being around. Well, I can't stand around here all day stepping in and stopping your puns. Can't you? No, fuck no. Oh, fuck no. I've got to go to an extra dimension. That's a change of tone. I've got You're swearing now, are you? Do you want a punch?

Do you want a punch? Alright, what have you got to do then? Right, I've got to go to another dimension. Alright? Okay. I have to fight the punster. Oh, the punster? Is he the super villain? Well, okay fight the punster oh the punster is he the super villain well he's poking through into this dimension a bit

I'm just stopping bye alright bye bye I'm gonna go after him then okay and it means that

you'll be gone for how long about the rest of the episode okay good bye well I'm glad that's been sorted. Anyway, on with our Halloween special. Yes. Well, it's our Halloween special.

Lightning crackle, lightning crackle, thunder. Have you got any special plans for Halloween this year? No. Are they releasing the reboot of Halloween? Yeah, that's the soon, isn't it? Now, is that a reboot? Is it a sequel? Is it a prequel? Or is it a soft remake?

Or is it a full remake? Apparently, it is a sequel to the first film and ignores parts two through nine. Partial reboot, then, I would say. No, because the reboot was what Rob Zombie did. Well, it's rebooting the sequels. No, it's ignoring them completely. It's skipping forward 40 years. But there's any name for that? It's retcon. No, because it's not ret completely It's skipping forward 40 years There's any name for that

It's retcon No because it's not retconning anything really Well it's saying all of this didn't happen Yeah but Halloween H20 did that as well Did it? Yeah the one that came out 20 years after That's a stupid name for a film Halloween 20 H20

That was the pun Mate He's in a different dimension yeah I know I know you can't hear us the thing is is that

two introduced her being the sister to Michael Myers because in the first film they weren't related at all yeah and two

continues right from the moment yeah I love that I thought that was good that's alright but then like Jamie Lee Curtis

is in a bed for most of the second film he doesn't really do much until the end but it's yeah it's not as good but it's still but then anyway

at the end of it's definitely the same kind of universe totally isn't it but the end of two Loomis and Michael Myers blow up in a massive explosion right

yes three happens three's the mask film which isn't happy happy Halloween because they were going to do a sort of what is the equivalent of what they were going to do a sort of...

What is the equivalent of what they were trying to do where it's the Halloween title but lots of different stories as feature films? Maybe Creepshow is a bit like that. Well, the Creepshow has already had separate stories within it. I guess, off the top of my head, I can't think of many examples of a film franchise that has like a name

I mean the Cloverfield franchise kind of counts there you go but I'm pretty sure there's got to be something before that

I'm sure there's people feverishly writing already well I'd be interested to know I would be too because it didn't work obviously for Halloween no

at all no because people hated well it would have worked if they'd made the season of the witch they hated it yeah well it was a it was a big flop because people thought they were getting another michael myers film yeah the problem is is that two came about almost by accident because it was all very successful the first film so they were like quick make two and apparently the plan was to make two three you know do a separate story right so every

halloween different. But then the sequel buggered that up because it made it a sequel to the first film. So then all of a sudden you're switching tack. So Thor comes along and Thor goes don't worry about it. Everyone's alive. So they're actually rebooting it in a way. Yeah, and then that dots the Thorne trilogy. Is it 4, 5, 6

is the Thorne trilogy? Something like that. Where all of a sudden he's a walking corpse led by a cult to kill people in a bloodline family which gets drip-dropped over the next... Yeah, they had to think

of something else. Yeah, and Laurie has a daughter and it's all like just fucking milk and Donald Sutherland turns up and goes, you don't understand,

he's a madman. Yeah, yeah. No one believes him again because of the odds. So, this one is going to ignore all of that bullshit, this new one, and just go straight to what would have happened 40 years later

had Halloween finished on that Halloween. Which is him walking off into the night. Well, you never see him. It's just his body's lying there on the grass. And then it's not there. And then it's not there. Yeah, so he's walked off or taken or something. So, that's what the plot about this one is.

And, yeah, I think it looks all right. Reviews have been good to mixed, which is nice. Some saying it's the or something so that's what the plot about this one is and yeah i think it looks all right reviews have been good to mixed which is nice some saying it's the best sequel to any of them and then some saying it's not all that great and it's overseen by carpenter is it or yes some kind of executive production yeah cool yeah it might be good might be good go see it on halloween paul why not with a load of kids all cheering and going you look talking on their phone and go and playing candy crush with the volume turned up and being some kind of fucking i don't know fully grown man in nasty greasy tracksuit bottoms playing candy crush like you don't care about anything in the world with the volume. You cunt. What a lovely fantasy that turned into a massive, horrible rant. Angry rant.

Angry rant. I hate it. I get it. But it's like no one even cares anymore. No one fucking cares. As a society, we've been taught to fight for ourselves and think of number one. There's no society anymore. That's crumbling and wombling.

You want a real theory on Halloween? It's the breakdown of society. Oh, that's what the Purge series is trying to say, isn't it? Don't get me started. Oh, we're that far away. Oh, politics. That's your real nightmare, listeners. Oh, it's not monsters in the night or creatures or

ghoulies. No, everyone knows that already, Paul. No, it's your politicians. It's your businessmen. They're the ones who will cause a dystopian future. Okay. You want to be afraid? You want to fight something? You want to be a hero? Take a gun. Walk into a bank.

No, don't say that. Don't say that. Don't. Stop there. It's not a gag. You should. Should I? What? You're saying take a gun, walk into a bank, rob the bank? Yeah. That wouldn't work for a lot of people. If people have to die, then so be it. What are you talking about?

To make an example of some... Of what? Get down to the floor! Get down to the floor, I'm desperate! I need the money. In the bag. Put it in the bag now. Put it in, in the bag Put it in the bag now Put it in the bag now

Put it in the bag now There you go Thank you This was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be It was a good scene, Paul Just leave it there Honestly, what have we got coming up on the show? Trick or treat, we're going to do now

Trick and treat Trick and treat? I'm going to show you something that might be a bit of a trick Or something that's a treat, right? Okay, and what do i have to say nothing it's just what do i have to do well it's just enjoy the products i'm going to bring out they're all halloween based a trick or treat so could be a toy could be a snack this is okay yeah all right you know it's what we did last year but you don't remember i don't remember so uh yeah this is what we're doing trick and treat again so i'm going to show you something to play

with for Halloween and then something to eat on Halloween. Alright? What would you like first? Trick or treat? Can I play with it and eat it? Maybe. What would you want to do? Trick or treat? I would like trick. Hit me with it. Hit me with the nasty. Give me a prod with the nasty hole. Here's your first trick. What

do you see? This is a novelty pencil. It cost you a quid i can see yeah well you know it's not a game i'm happy to leave the prices on all right it's got the price on there it's a novelty pencil yeah um and it has silver skulls on the body of the pencil and at the end it has a lovely eraser it does doesn't it it has a lovely eraser, Paul. It does, doesn't it? It has a skeleton. Skelly bones. Skelly bones on the top of your pencil. Can I open it? Of course you can.

It's your little present for you, that. Thanks, mate. I like that. Oh. It's got a little wobbly head. The head is on a spring, everybody. So it wobbles. That's a lovely touch, that.

That's quite a nice novelty pencil, that. Yeah. Isn't it nice? Yeah. It gets you in the mood for Halloween. It certainly does. When you like spooky messages. Like, i know what you're doing tonight and you post it through a door or like i've i've eviscerated your cat yeah you can't get out of my parking space the tiddles tonight i know in my

belly bell and then show a picture of like a stew cat Ooh. Cat stew. With ears coming out. Like a pie. Yeah, with ears. Yeah. Oh, you know what I'd do? I'd cut the paws off. Then I'd put them on the side of the bowl, like he's trying to climb up. Nice.

Didn't they have those things in cars, which were like children's fingers? Do you remember this thing? Under the... Hooked over. Under the bonnet of the car. Yeah. Yeah.

Funny. Or my other favourite thing to Under the... Hooked over. Under the bonnet of the car. Yeah. Yeah. Funny. Or my other favourite thing to dangle from a car, balls. Oh, yeah? You know, like they have big rubber balls you can hang on the back of a truck. At the back of the truck. Yeah. Yeah, that's funny. Truckticles or something.

Anyway, so that's a lovely little Halloween pencil. There you go. And you can find photos of everything we discussed in the episode, dear listeners. Yeah. Where can we find those? Thecheapshow.co.uk. Look for the... The photos of everything we discussed on the episode, dear listeners. Yeah. Where can we find those? Thecheapshow.co.uk. Look for the photos of everything. Look for the dedicated page to this episode.

What number episode is this? 99. Woo. I don't know why that deserves a woo. It's just 99. 100 around the corner. Shush. Okay.

So, as a trick, what would you give that out of five? I'd say it's a nice three and a half. Three and a half. Agreeable. Lovely thing. Off to a good start. Off to a very good start here on this Halloween trick-or-treat segment of the show, Paul. All right, next one.

Trick-or-treat, mister. Well, we've had a trick. It was a scary skeleton. Ooh. So let's have a treat now. Okay, here we go. Say what you see, Mr Silverman. Well, we have some choco lollies.

Ooh. It's a selection of eight choco lollies. Yeah. But there's only four designs. Oh, so weird. Each design has been duplicated once. Shall I just go across? Let's just get in.

The illustrations show a dancing skeleton. Classic. But there's a little twist to this one. Yeah. His underwear comprises a jack-o'-lantern. That's very clever. I like what they've done there. I don't know why.

Just because they couldn't be bothered to draw the hips? Maybe. There's no clever. I like what they've done there. I don't know why, just because they couldn't be bothered to draw the hips? Maybe. There's no penis on a skeleton, or vagina. No, true. What are they trying to cover up? It's weird.

It's like it's a skelly bones with a big pumpkin nappy on. I don't know, I mean, maybe he... He doesn't poo. No, but... Where's the poo come from, Paul? I can see right through him. There's no poo-poo.

No, there's nothing. There's no genitals. There's nothing. There's no wee-wee. He's just got the. There's nothing. There's no wee-wee. He's just got the legs coming out the mouth as well, not even the bottom of it. So it's like he's half in, half out. He's doing something fucking nasty.

I think he's throttling his pubic bone up and down in there. Oh, scrapey scrape. I like the feel of the slightly fermented pumpkin flesh against my scrapey bone. Ooh. And he's got... I just thought I'd let that run on. He's got eyes.

Yeah. And they're sort of in a blue sort of gel. Yeah, eyes within holes. And he's holding up... I mean, it's unnerving. He's holding up a little picture. Of? Oh, he's not.

It just is on top of the picture, in fact. They haven't even gone that far. But it's a picture of what we're going to get, which looks like... A chocolate bar. A chocolate bar with a stick coming out the end. Oh, what a stupid fucking concept. Quickly, the other illustrations. We've got, then, Jack O'Lanterns, which is four of them, all on top

of each other. A stack. And the top one has a witch's hat on. It's a good little look. I like that one. Classic monsters. Classic. And stack. And the top one has a witch's hat on. It's a good little look. I like that one. Classic monsters. Classic. And then we have the mummy. The mummy.

Now the mummy is holding the lolly. They've actually incorporated that in. And why has he got all yellow around the eyes? They haven't dealt

with the eyes very well. I think it's just maybe it's all decay. Maybe it's a little bit sandy. I don't know. Maybe they just kind of keep it

a kind of yellow palette. Do you find the mummy scary? Has anyone ever found the bit sandy. I don't know. Maybe they just kind of keep it a kind of yellow palette. Do you find the mummy scary? Has anyone ever found the mummy scary? I don't know. Not really. Not personally. Not really, no. But I was thinking, the perfect person to play the mummy, sliced alone. Why? I'm the mummy.

I'm the mummy. Do you know who? No. they should have got to play him. Go on. Brucey. He'd be a werewolf. Marvelous. Then we have the Wicked Witch. She's got a big green schnoz on her, covered in warts.

She's riding a broomstick. Yeah. And there you have it. Shall we have a little taste, Paul? Let's just go in and start tasting. I'll hand you one of these. I'll have one. And I've got one of these here.

I'm not holding up a lot of... I'm not. Just to go think these are particularly good. They won't be good. It was going to be... Oh, they've printed onto the chocolate as well. Oh, what have you got on yours? I've got Jack O'Lantern.

I've got a scarecrow, I think. Let me see. A little scarecrow. Can you see? A little scarecrow. Yeah, weird. Yeah. But there's quite a lot of detail on those, isn't there?

Yeah. They've printed onto the bar. They smell like... What's the half saying? No, it's that particular very artificially sweet chocolate. Slightly better

maybe than the usual. Is it? It reminds me of the Kinder chocolate. Yeah, it's actually not too bad. It still is subpar chocolate

but it's actually nowhere near as, like, I don't want to say bitter but you know like that tang you get from cheap chocolate when it's overly sweet.

This is fine. It's okay. This is fine. It's quite nice, yeah. For a quid for, what, eight of them? Yeah, it's amazing, yeah. Not bad.

So there you go. Um, yeah, alright. That's alright. Out of five then? I'll go just halfway, two and a half. Two and a half. I was going to agree with you there.

Two and a half's a good one. Right, next one. The artwork's alright. Trick or treat, Let's go trick. We'll alternate. Trick, Mr. We'll alternate. Trick or treat. We'll have a trick.

Here we go. What have we got here? We've got a spooky make-up set. Spooky make-up set. Yeah. Do you want me to put some of this on? Make me pretty.

Make you pretty? Make me a pretty monster. All right. Get some of this out. All right. Now, it's spooky in that you can use it to be spooky.

And we've got, like, sexy, like, Blade Runner woman there. Yeah, that is what it is. You're right. She's Daryl from Blade Runner. Yes. And then the Joker. The bloke is, and he's going, I'm a complete prillock. Oh, I'm looking like the Joker.

Oh, look at me. I'm a fucking dick. I hope I get laid at this Halloween party. I went to so much. That's the thing. Fucking Halloween now. On Halloween night, the effortlessness, the lack of effort with which people do their costumes.

They literally just get a bandage, some red paint on the bandage, and the rest of their costumes are like just their normal shirt and trousers, which they'd wear normally. And it's just like, that's not Halloween, mate. That's Graham from Accounts. That's his costume.

Because he's like, well, I'm going to go to this fancy dress party where I don't really want to put some effort in. Yeah, exactly. So I'll just go in my suit and look casual and great. But you'd be surprised how many people do that. Just put some red mask on and it'd be fine. So we do have, though, a bat-shaped makeup holder. Which is a nice little touch. That is quite a nice touch.

It's a nice little touch. That is quite a nice touch. It's a nice little touch. But then you've just got some grease paints yellow, white, green red and black and some little nubbin sticks. Nubbins to draw upon. I'm going to give you once you've opened it, one minute to make my face

scary for Halloween. You alright? Right, I'm going to get my timer out. Ladies and gentlemen, this is where it's all going to happen right now. We're going to have... I'm going to have a timer on. I'm going to reset it for... Well, let's say... Yeah, let's do... Two minutes. Two minutes. Okay.

Right. Are you ready? I'm ready. Then your time starts now. Make me scary. Na, na, na, na, na. Don't, by the way, do a swastika on my fucking forehead which it felt like you're gonna start You put a black line down the middle of my head I'm not doing a swastika. I'm not tasteless Right that's a cross. I know from feeling it on my head that that's a cross right yes

That's it stops there my head that that's a cross. Yes, it's a cross. It stops there. Very concerned about this. This is all very good. How long have I got? You've got one and a half minutes left. I know what you're doing.

Now we've got to get the lips. I need you to hold your lips still, yeah? Oh, lovely. You've done this before. Oh, this is great, Paul. Yeah? Honestly, yeah. No, don't...

Don't speak. All right. How much longer have I got? You've got one minute. Okay, here we go. Oh, God, that's really greasy stuff it's cheap and greasy yes

right now I need to give you ghostly ghostly eye things yeah ghostly eye things is very descriptive oh shit don't flinch

because you're jabbing me in the face with it you fucking idiot Christ okay yeah okay you've got 30 seconds what have you done I've just seen it it's cool the face with it, you fucking idiot. Christ. Okay. Yeah. You've got 30 seconds. What have you done? I've just seen it. It's cool.

Okay. I know exactly what character this is going to be. Yeah. Alright. Well, let's... There you go. Right. You all done? Yeah. You've got 15 seconds left if you want to do anything else. No, that's it. My work is done. Well, that's very good. That's very good. I'm just going to take a picture

of my face. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Have you got light on it? Is there enough light there? No, there you go. Get the light. Look scary. Yeah. Right. So, talk

me through. What's this called? You are cult leader Yeah Adolf Manson Adolf Manson Yeah Okay good You're a cult leader

Called Adolf Manson Who believes in Satan Yeah And yeah Oh god don't get into it man It's not German It's groovy man It's not groovy

It's groovy yeah It's so groovy Don't try and get me into your fucking cult Come German. It's groovy, man. It's not groovy. It's groovy, yeah. It's so groovy. Don't try and get me into your fucking cult. Come on, baby. It's cool in my cult. What will I get? Oh, you'll get sexy boy time. Sexy boy time?

Well, sexy time, boy. Right. That's what I mean, my brother. I'll get sex with boys. Come on, get down with the groove thing, yeah, honey. It's good. Yeah? What else?

There's fucking lights in my face. Yeah honey It's good Yeah There's fucking lights In my face Yes you get You are The eternal life

And trip Transcendental Meditation tricks To go to another universe For sure buddy Okay Yeah it's good Yeah

I could do with Going to another universe Because that's where Our friend Gob Gobstopperman is Gagstopperman is And he could stop This fucking shit

Sketch right now Yeah it's good you should come in and yeah you'll totally get Air Jordans as well when you join us oh totally yeah you'll totally get the new Air Jordans I like the new Air Jordans yeah

what else Reebok pump and what do I have to do nothing buddy you just join in come on fella it's not even cult I don't know what you mean boy oh he's a scary guy come on everybody it's not even cult. I don't know what you mean boy. Oh, he's a scary guy, Adolf Manson. Come on everybody, he's so groovy in my cult.

He's like a groovy... Do you like drugs buddy? I do, yeah. Oh shit son, we got loads. Yeah, it's good. I like his 90s hip-hop argots as well. Oh, it's totally fly-hard, Richard. Yeah, it's good.'s good So you know just join us at the club It's fine buddy no rush

Okay you've convinced me I'll go along with this After I've recorded this Yeah I've got this fucking Alright goodbye then I'm totally going home now I'm gonna have sex with all the ladies Right in your coat there's the ladies

So many I don't know what to do with all my hoes. It's crazy, buddy-chan. But don't worry, it's gonna be cool if you come. You get to have at least one or two a day. Yeah, for sure. Okay, that sounds good as well. Yeah, it's good. I'm gonna go now. In my limousine, buddy. Bye, Adolf Manson.

Right on time. So, Paul, that was the trick. Next is treat. Yeah. That was the trick. Yeah. Next is treat. Okay. Let's see what he's got. Oh, he's got chocolate eyeballs, everybody.

That's what we've got. Yeah, chocolate eyeballs. What else do you want me to fucking say? Any other time of the year, they're Christmas balls. Christmas balls? You know, baubles. You can wrap them and hang them from a tree. Chocolate baubles.

Yeah. But these got no hanging on them. No, because it's Halloween. These are just covered in foil that makes them look like a gory eyeball. Yeah, but later in the year, the exact same chocolate ball will be a bauble. Later in the year, it might even be an Easter egg. You just don't know. You're saying they repurpose these chocolate spheres. I for shizzle think that.

Okay. And is there anything on it? No, it's just segmented to make it look a bit like a miniature Terry's chocolate orange. It does look like a miniature Terry's chocolate.

Now, it's out... I think... Is it hollow? It's going to be hollow, isn't it? Because that would just break your face if you tried to eat a solid one. Now, that's the kind of

shitty chocolate I'm talking about. Do you know what I mean? I haven't got much taste to it. Just sugar. Ugh. Yeah. I don't like that. No. it's too cloying it's horrible

one out of five yeah one out of five what do you think about the makeup kit out of five that's actually pretty good how much was that yeah yeah all right isn't it you had like a little play around a little bit of fun another wacky character to add to a massive, depressing long list of them. Yeah. What are we doing next? That was trick to trick. Trick again. Wow, you've got a load of shit, haven't you?

It's a light-up glow stick. Yeah. Whoa, baby. Now, how is this anything to do with Halloween? Fucking not, is it? But it says light-up glow glow stick and the sign that says that has a scary got zombies hand

coming round a green hand but it could be a laser pointer it could be a Christmas wand it's got a little it's got a little bit of rope on it that you can put round your neck yeah

so you can be like Mr Cool you know what I mean like I just carry it round my neck in case I need to do this yeah I think you have to pull that out a little way

and then what do I do with the toy? Oh! Stop! I had time. I'm on a break with the battle against the ponster. But no, innuendo, it stops here.

Alright, sorry mate. Bye! You have to pull the white tab out. That's why it's not working you wank. There's a likelihood it could just be fucking broken. Oh, there you go. There we go. A little bit of a tap, a little bit of a Fonzie tap.

So you press it once, and it lights up green, blue, and red, right? Yeah. You press it twice, and it flashes. Flashes. Wob, wob, wob, wob, wob, wob. Rave on down. Rave. If I press it thrice, it slows.

It's a slower flash. Slower flash. Four. Oh, it's going wandy, wandy. It's a slower flash. Slower flash. Four. Oh, it's going wandi, wandi. It goes all the way up the shaft. It rises up the shaft. Green, blue, red. Green, blue, red.

Green, blue, red. Now, one more time. Oh, red, blue, green. Then it goes down the shaft. Red, blue, green. That's tantric. That's what Sting does when he ingests all the cum back down his cock. It shan't be for you. What Sting does when he ingests all the cum back down his cock.

It shan't be for you. None of this precious spunkage will come out of the top of the knobbage. No, Sting owns all. I have eaten some cabbage. Sting gives nothing to anyone. Like, remember, he doesn't give money to his kids. No, doesn't he? No, because he said, you fucking do it yourself, yeah? Yeah.

Right, next one Oh it's going quicker Up the shaft Oh it's got quite a few presets Actually doesn't it And then That's it it goes off There you go

A little bit of fun You wrap it around One pound One pound That's crazy The world is so doomed Yeah full of shit like that This just

How much use Could you get out of it You give it to a kid Who wants to be Harry Potter How much oil Do you think it took it? You give it to a kid who wants to be Harry Potter. How much oil do you think it took to manufacture that? Quite a lot.

And water. Yeah. You know what I mean? And labour. Yeah. And just, what could the, what? I'm going to keep it. You're going to keep it? I like it.

All right. Well, there you go then. It's good, isn't it? Yeah. It's a flashy, flashy. Flashy, flashy. Yeah. I like that.

Four out of five. Yeah, all right. First of all, you've got a party. You know, stick some tunes on. Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, flashy. I like that. Four out of five. Yeah, all right. For some money. It's good at a party. You know, stick some tunes on. Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow Stop me Stop me Oh Paul I haven't got Alright good

There you go I'll give that 4 out of 5 as well Yeah Right How much more of this Tat can I take One more treat One more trick

Wow Alright so here we go. What is this, Eli? Monster laboratory. Body bits, strawberry flavoured gummy sweets. Individually wrapped. It's perfect for monster parties. Alright, I'm opening them.

There you go. So I imagine they're just little... Oh, they've got a very fruity huff on. They really do. Yeah. I want to snuff. All right, mate. All right.

Calm down. I've huffed all the snuff out. Now, there's a little bit of snuff there. There, there. There you go. I've got a bit of a sugar rush I've picked a little bag out Oh strawberry Flavour gummy sweets

A bit of fun aren't they Put them in a bowl full of body parts And they're individually wrapped Oh it's an ear. Look, it's an ear. This is actually designed to be given away at Halloween. Exactly. What's that? It's an eyeball, isn't it? Yeah.

And this is an ear. What's the quality on the gamut like? Meh. It's a bit tough. Yeah. It's not unpleasant, which I thought kind of like this can be. But it's a bit tough, rubbery. Whereas your Haribos tend to be, you know, a bit more giving, a bit more. Oh, a foot. Look at the foot.

It's pretty cool, actually, isn't it? Are they all strawberry flavoured? Yeah. It would be nice to have some variety in flavour, maybe. Well, I think that's too expensive for them, isn't it? But it's fine. Of the eating things we've had so far, I think this is my favourite. Yeah?

Yeah. All right, well, that's all right, then. So I'm going to give that, I don't know. I can deal with cheap gelatin sweets better than I can deal with cheap chocolate. I definitely agree on that. You know what I mean? I would say two and a half, three. Three.

I'd say two and a half. Yeah. But then the chocolate was two and a half, you said, so. All right, three. Yeah. I'm just looking for balance, mate. That's all I'm looking for. Right.

All right, last bit of trick now. Here we go. What is it, Eli? Got this in a charity shop. Don't choke on the gum, eat foot. Wow, that really is very tough gumming. Yeah. Also, I'm getting an unpleasant...

Like waxy... Sort of chemically taste coming out. Yeah. Maybe two and a half. Maybe two and a half. This is... Sorry. Not fucking so much gum in.

Gum in my throat And also those sweets I just ate I told you Right I'm very fucking busy with the punster And every time you do one of your shit puns I get beamed here apparently now Okay I'm sorry There are 18 people about to die mate

Never again Oh I'm sorry 18 people sir I people about to die, mate. Never again. I'm sorry. 18 people, sir. I won't do that thing where I make a double in endo. I bet they'll be dead by the time I get back now. Say sorry. I'm sorry. Paul, you're all right.

Thank you very much. Okay. It's funny how he keeps coming back even though we expressly said he wasn't going to to save time on the fucking episode. Now, Paul, this is the apprentice magician. Yeah. Sorcerer's puzzles. Oh!

Two impossible puzzles you can solve. Well... So it's kind of trying to say it's magic. Does it name me on the box? No, it says the word you. Oh, as in universally. Okay, okay. So I'm not open this yet, so I don't know exactly what it is. But it's been opened before by the previous...

This is a second-hand business. This is obviously a present that Christmas that someone was like, well, yeah, whatever, mate. Right, so what is that? It's a white plastic, one of those... Looks like a music note. It's a saxophone-shaped... Crotchet.

Crotchet? Crotchet, yes. So there's that. And then there's two impossible puzzles to solve. So what? It contains ball-be bearing and balance puzzles. But what do you do? Is it like, do you have to find a place to balance this?

This is fucking shit, man. What, you've got to balance it? This is balanced. Look, that's easy. That is low quality. I don't understand. I don't understand. If anyone can explain this to us, because we're not going to work it out.

Sorcerer's puzzles. Two impossible puzzles you can solve, but maybe there's a bit of paper that's missing that should have told you. Well, I can't solve it. I can't even begin to understand how I would begin to solve it, so that is impossible, isn't it? Are you meant to balance that on that? I mean, you have done, but you just put them flat on top of each other. Well, that works, so it can't be that, can it? I've done it You just put them flat On top of each other Well that works So it can't be that

It does Yeah I've solved it These are Shit Yeah And I can see why The person opened it

Went I'm not fucking dealing with that And I'll hastily Sellotape it up And give it to a charity shop Fair enough I can't even see What you'd have to

Fucking do At all Yeah I don't get it I mean maybe you have to Get one ball be at all um yeah i don't get it i mean maybe you have to get one ball bearing at either side of this and balance it yeah so there's little divots which they go in actually i can see on this now yeah on the red piece right and maybe you it's very difficult to get them one either side oh fucking i don't know what you do this i don't know the white just pretend i'm a it looks like a little pipe, doesn't it?

I'm a schmuck and a pipe. Hello. I've got a story to tell. Hey, it's Story Grandad. I've got a Halloween story to tell. Oh, I want a Halloween story from the stories right now. Now, as I told you, as I told you last year, Grandad went through some shit in the ward At one point I had to fucking Eat my friend's genitals That's scary Yeah

Next year I'll tell you another story Oh that was it? Yes Your story this year was the story that you told me last year Was it? Yeah you just went Remember last year Story grandad

Yes Sorry I'm a bit confused I get confused You're Irish now This year was the story that you told me last year. Was it? Yeah, you just went, remember last year? Story, grandad. Yes. Sorry, I'm a bit confused. I get confused. You're Irish now. As the years go by. No, I've got a kind of mixed accent. Okay, good. That's from being in the war.

Which one? The war. You don't, if you have to ask, you don't, you weren't there. Oh, right. But like, like 60s in the Woodstock. We had to eat our genitals for fucking 20 years. Each other's genitals in the Woodstock. We had to eat our genitals for fucking 20 years. Eat others' genitals in pots and pans. Pots and pans brimming with genital fat.

I'm sorry. I've got my signature pipe. Some say I stole it from a magician's apprentice he said it was an impossible puzzle I said it will do and then I ate it. What are you fucking talking about? I ate I tell you what yeah I ate his genitals right good yum yum yum well they used to call me the butcher of platoon number six because I used to whip off genitals and eat them and throw them in the pan. What you got for me, pan? You bollocks, that's what you got.

I'm story time. Shut up. Shut up. That's the end of that segment. We finished playing trick and treat for the night. Now let's move swiftly on. We need a score for the impossible things. Zero.

Yes. Shit. That is a terrible thing. That's let me down. I was looking forward to that and then that was worse than awful. But you have got a shit pipe out of it for an awful shit character.

Congratulations, Eli, over the course of this one episode. After no more characters, we've got Pun Stopper We've got Adolf Manson We've got Story Grandad Storytime Grandad

It needs to stop It really does And now it's time for a little bit of the show we like to call Silverman's Platters. I'll be delving into my crate of vinyl records, pulling out some oddities, novelties, and just playing up weirdo tracks. Yeah, Paul, what's going on with that?

Who are you? I was going so well, and then you just kind of just literally recognised how shit you are and gave up. Listen, mate, you still look like Charlie Cakes Manson. What's he called? Adolf Manson. Adolf Manson.

Yeah, I've got to wash this off pretty soon. Because, you know, we're talking about Murphy's Law. Imagine if, like, Rogan comes home with a friend and I'm like, hello? Here's Simon Cohen. He's the leader of the Holocaust survivors. Anyway, I'm just saying I want to get it off. It would be quite convolut survivors Anyway It would be quite convoluted It would be very convoluted But I still wouldn't want it to happen

I wouldn't And now looking at your little black Makeup tash It's starting to freak me out a bit It's good It's time for Silverman's Platters And as it's Halloween Paul Well as it is Halloween.

Halloween has to be one of the most fecund periods of the year for producing novelty records. I'd say there's no... There was probably no festival in the history of the planet that has produced more novelty songs than Halloween. Christmas. No, I don't think so. No, I don't think so.

Come on, mate. Christmas. No. Christmas. No, I don't think so. No, I don't think so. Come on, mate. Christmas. No. Christmas. Because with Halloween songs, they're just scary songs. So it's not a Halloween song. It might mention Halloween, which makes it a specific Halloween song.

But anything. Monster Mash is not a Halloween song, is it? No. It's just a sort of horror-based novelty tune. So you're saying more songs in general can fit into the holiday holiday period of halloween yes whereas christmas are christmas songs they have to specifically but famously quite a few songs that have been hits at christmas yeah and are associated with christmas don't actually mention it do they like marching of the cavalry or whatever it's called no that's for the whole um it's the whole first world war christmas song isn't it that's the whole point the Cavalry or whatever it's called. No, that's for the whole First World War Christmas song, isn't it?

That's the whole point. Right. But does he mention that it's at Christmas? He does. Yeah. So next example. I can't think of any. No?

No. Fairy Tale of New York. Oh, yeah. Bells ringing out for Christmas. Saviour's Day. Yes, but that's about Christmas, isn't it? Oh, yeah. What about Mr. Blobby? That was the Christmas number one. Was it? Yeah. Well, that's not about Christmas, isn't it? Oh yeah, what about Mr. Blobby? That was the Christmas number

one. Was it? Yeah. Well, that's not about Christmas, is it? No. There you go, there's the example. They're both times of year when novelty records do well, but I think Halloween just inches it because you can just associate anything mentioned, any of the universal monsters, any ghost, ghoulie,

anything along those lines. Even things such as modern things like the Bermuda Triangle Or anything a bit weird Or 14 Yeah but if you went to a party for Halloween And someone played Barry Manilow's Bermuda Triangle You'd say nah mate Is there a tune called Bermuda Triangle by Barry Manilow?

Yeah Well let's listen to a little bit of that right now Alright Here we go Barry Manilow's Bermuda Triangle It's very Halloween-y Is it? No

It's in no way Halloween-y No Why is it called Bermuda Triangle? Find out Oh fuck's sake this is Copacabana isn't it fuck me Fuck me. This is not one of his better tunes.

She doesn't see my angle. This is really bad. Yeah. That's obviously one of those songs where it's like, Barry, yeah? You've done your album? Yeah. You're just one or two songs short of the agreed contract. What?

It's all right. He's going to do two more songs for us. All right, give me a minute The beautiful triangle You can see it from my angle I fucking love this Whatever You gotta do this

He loves mentioning places That are in the tropics Yeah Doesn't he in his songs So that gets him a chance Because Copacabana's All about that isn't it Yeah

So he's like Miami he mentions there Doesn't he And like yeah Yeah I mean You wouldn't play that At Halloween It's utter trash Okay Right So he's like Miami, he mentions there, doesn't he? And like, yeah. Yeah. I mean, you wouldn't play that at Halloween. It's utter trash.

Okay. Right. Point made. Thank you. But you might go to a Halloween party as the Bermuda Triangle. That'd be a good costume. How would you do that? Just get a big fucking triangle. All right.

Okay. Put the word Bermuda on it. Yeah, fine. Put a straw hat on or something. Maybe hide a boat in it. Have a boat. If you had some time, you could sort of get a toy boat,

saw it in half at an angle and then put it in. And sort of stick it in so it was going into your triangle. Yeah. There you go.

Also, you could build a little muff triangle on it. I'd like that. Would you? Yeah, because you get

a bit of a cross-dressing frisson. A little Brillo pad muff thing. Come on, darling. Make my dick disappear in your Bermuda Triangle Exactly

Come on darling I'll make my dick disappear In your Bermuda thatch I'm sure that's what he meant When he wrote Bermuda Triangle as a song I bet he was thinking it Didn't he come out as gay actually? Yeah he did

He wasn't thinking about it at all Well he might have thought about it in his past We just don't know We don't know how he lives his life We do not Paul We don't And we don't pass comment on that Barry Manlow as far as we're concerned

Is just a thing Right You know what I mean It's like it's there He's a thing It's fine It doesn't get in my way too much But you have to concede

That almost any kind of mysterious... Yeah. Doing well with words today, Silverman. I'm not. I'm really not. No. Because it's fucking late. It's fucking...

I'm so tired, Paul. Come on. We've got to get through this then. Watch the first choice on your platter today. Anything mysterious could be co-opted into Halloween. That's what I was trying to say. Yeah. And it's taken us seven minutes and 20-odd seconds to get there.

Okay, now. Via Barry Manlow. Both of these are monster-themed records. Monster, monster. Yeah. Not that. No one will get that. Well, if you do get that reference...

Well, you want a badge. Would you want a badge, Matt? Now, first one it's classic and it really is tied in with the whole horror cycle of the 50s which is basically when horror was at its

peak as a genre in a lot of ways I mean in some ways yeah I mean really you want to talk about the universal movies of the 50s because they were huge

when they came out but they when was the first of those was Frankenstein yes no wasn't it Dracula first of those was Frankenstein Yes Wasn't it Dracula 51

I think Frankenstein from 51 I hate not having facts to hand Horror was popular Very popular it's his first thing There was EC Comics in the 50s There were lots of Teen horror movies Like The Blob.

Yes. Was Hammer making a comeback in the 50s? No, the 40s is when you had the universal monsters. Yeah. 30s to 40s. Yes. So that's the first thing. Then the things like The Blob.

They were 50s. Yeah. Which is where horror transitioned into. A younger. Sci-fi based. Because it was all post-war, all to do with like The terror Of the nuclear threat Yeah For example

Like Them is very famous And that's ants Have been affected by radiation Become giant The blob is some kind of mysterious Yeah You get the first Like science horror stuff coming

Science fiction horror coming Before with the universal It was like traditional Sort of supernatural Gothic and supernatural. Ghostly. Ghouls. And the zombie thing, in its modern incarnation, didn't really kick off

for another decade later. Because all the older zombie films were like basically voodoo and witchcraft. And that's different. That's when you have it. But they're not necessarily corpses, are they? It depends on who's telling the story, but by and large it's just brain deaths. Right, but that wasn't an essential aspect of them.

Now, this leads us on to our record, 58 I think we saw. It's a guy called Bobby Bear, and the tune is Vampyra. So let's play a little bit of it right now. I got a woman, she's six foot three Ooh, buddy, what's she doing to me? She got love and it's mighty strange Vampire, that's her name

Vampire, yeah, vampire Vampire, yeah, That's my baby's life Little beat, little groovy, little tune. Rockabilly sort of music there. Would you play that at a Halloween party? Absolutely. Yeah, do you reckon that would work? I'd go down a treat. I love that. Lovely, go down a treat. Love that.

Now, Vampyra was a character. Now, I don't know if it's this song referring to her directly. Well, he's going out with her, isn't it? That's his woman. Yeah. And she's six foot three. Oh, well, then maybe it is talking about the actress. Yeah. The actress. Yeah, but who else is it? Well well, then maybe it is talking about the... The actress, yeah.

The actress. Yeah, but who else is it? Well, because everyone... We were talking about this before, because you got confused with Elvira. Elvira, it turns out, is a copy of Vampyra. Yeah. Or a continuation of a similar thing, let's say. Vampyra was played by Maila...

M-A-I-L-A. Maila Nermi. Right? Who's a Scandinavian. No, she was a Finnish-American actress and created the campy 1950s character Vampyra. She's very, I mean, she's a very beautiful person in general, but in 1947, this is her publicity photo.

She is strikingly beautiful. Like Lauren Bacolish there, you know? Born in Gloucester, Massachusetts, of Finland parents. Anyway, lots of stuff. But basically, it's cut long story short, after several minor film roles, she found success as the character of Vampyra in television's first horror host. She hosted her own series, The Vampyra Show, from 54 to 55 on KABC TV. Now, what do you think happened in that show?

It was just like little horror stories with her in them. No, she probably did the exact same thing Elvira did. Hello, welcome to a late-night horror film. And then they'd show a movie. And then they'd show the midnight zombie from beyond the grave. That kind of thing. Yeah. Cool.

She was the first ever of those. And that's also what's pastiched in Gremlins 2. Yeah, all of that. Well, that also goes back to... There's been a load of horror hosts over the years yes but she's the first yeah a TV horror host she was also after the show's cancellation

an actress in Edward's Plan 9 from Outer Space famously you mean she was a character she wasn't in it no the actress yeah the actual her yeah the actual vampire was in Edward's Plan 9 from Outer Space that role was played by Lisa Was in Edward's Plan 9 of the Martyr Space Of course yes

That role was played By Lisa Marie In Edward's version of Thank you I'm getting confused Edward So yeah So that was her

And then Elvira came Much later But very similar Vamp Goth Voluptuous Mysterious But you know

Friendly Like scary But at the same time Non-threatening In a way Sexy Se sexy now and he's sexy and the story in that song obviously is uh is he's going out with her yeah and also there seems to be some kind of ghoul or zombie in the background there who keeps going

yeah because you know he's been doing backing vocals for the band he's like can we hello Mr. Ghoul

can we get you in now in the booth he's like working with a fucking genius this guy he's a genius

I fucking love working with the Ghoul so he has an aspect a a genius. I fucking love working with the ghoul. So he has an aspect, a lot of aspects that I love about. He comes in, he hits the notes, he finds the passion in the song and he sells it. Really, if it wasn't for the fact that he was a massive racist, he'd be a star in this town. Now, and it has that novelty thing and it's in that world

and I love that 50s horror stuff. So that's one of those ones. I love that kind of record. It's a lovely track. I would give that a solid four out of five. I'll give it a four out of five. And it's on a lovely little reissue,

B Sharp Records. I believe that the original is quite hard to come by. Oh. But I got it when it was reissued on Jackpot. Look, it's got that lovely Mad Magazine

kind of cartoon. Kind of drawing font. I like that. The Jackpot, which has a fruit machine, an old school fruit machine in the design. And it's spunking out records.

It's spunk, and it's like the Jackpot. It's like the design it's spunking out records but as you like the jackpot it's not spunking out look you're thinking are we losing them we're losing them I better make a wank joke I better make an ejaculation noise or else you've been watching the statistics haven't you the analytics for this show it's like every time I make some kind of wank reference, I get a spike! Buh-huh. Buh-huh. Shut up.

Buh-huh. You've lost interest in this episode. It's coming. It's coming. Hold tight. It's coming. It's coming. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah- Nah Oh dear Paul

It's coming out Nighty night princess And scene Thank you very much Thank you Paul Next one Thank you, Paul. Next one. Next track. The second track.

Now. In the mic. That could be described as a sort of novelty record, that one. Now, this definitely isn't a novelty record, our next one, but has a monster theme to it. It does. And it's therefore acceptable with the parameters of this here platter. Okay, good. And it's called It's a Monster Thing but it's spelled Fang.

Fang. Fang. And it's by Clarence Carter and it sounds a little bit like this. Your love is like Bigfoot and Frankenstein It's like a wolfman, it just blows my mind It's like a mommy and a vampire too All of these characters are wrapped up in you It's a monster thing Girl, you It's a monster thing It's a monster thing

Girl, your love is a monster thing It's a monster thing I don't like this gummy I've just put in my mouth. You shouldn't have put it in your fucking mouth, you dickhead. Regret it. Stop eating. I'll undermine Eli's little bit about his record by eating this gummy and chewing it and slurping it. Stop eating. You're trying to... I'll undermine Eli's little bit about his record by eating this gummy

and chewing it and slurping it and now you feel like a right Charlie. It's too big. I don't like it. But I'm not spitting it out. Why aren't you spitting it out?

Spit it out. Oh, God. I've got... Look, there's my big bag over there next to Mount Grant pants. God, he really did spit it out, everybody.

Are you okay to continue now, Paul? Yeah. Okay. So, this we just listened to, if you can remember. It's a monster thing. By Clarence Reed. Now, Clarence Carter. Sorry.

Yeah. Always get those two confused. Clarence Carter, most famous song, Always get those two confused. Clarence Carter, most famous song, Patches. Okay. You know that song? No. Or Remind Me. Remind Me, what it sounds like. Patches is like, it's a

sort of fable song about this kid growing up really poor. Patches. No, I've never heard of it. You fucking have. If you heard it, you'd hear it. Obviously, yeah, if I've heard it, I've heard it. If you hear it, you will never heard of it You fucking have If you heard it, you'd hear it Obviously, yeah, if I've heard it, I've heard it If you hear it, you will have heard it Judging by what you've just said I don't know the song

It was a very big hit And it was a kind of story tune About, like Ben, the two of us need to look no more Better than that, yeah Better than Jacko Better than Jacko That song's about a rat as well.

But he had a whole string of extremely strong southern soul belters. All right. He recorded for Stax and Romantic. And he kept going. This one's from 1981. I was going to say when I heard that and then found out it was 81, I was surprised. It sounded older, if you know what I mean.

It sounded more like something from the mid-70s. Because the mix of it sounds a bit more classically mixed rather than in the 80s when it began to get a bit more electro. It all got a bit synth-y. If you listen carefully, there is some synth on that, which is kind of why I like it. Groovy. Slow-paced, groovy.

But it's on the Halloween episode of Splatters, Paul, because he mentions the monsters in it. He mentions all the monsters. Bigfoot? Your love is like Bigfoot? Yeti? No. He did not say Yeti. No, because Bigfoot is a Yeti, you bloody moron. Not necessarily.

There are different types of Bigfeet. Well, he doesn't fucking... Bigfoot. He doesn't list subspecies of fucking mammoths. But what about Teen Yeti? What? What about Teen Yeti? I don't know what you're talking about. Come on, Teen Yeti. What would What about Teen Yeti? I don't know what you're talking about. Come on, Teen Yeti. What would he say to be left out, I wonder?

I don't know. I don't know, and I haven't seen him around here. I want Teen Yeti. He was down by the foot of Mount Gropp. Is it because you've forgotten what the voice is and you're afraid to do it? I don't know what you're talking about. How could what? Forgotten what?

I remember Teen Yeti. I'm going to explore Mount Gropp pants to look for Teen Yeti. look he's there by the scribbles where all the scribbles run in and out I'm gonna go explore it. He's there by where the scribbles run in and out Who's disturbed me oh, it's me teen yeti. I'm just checking in. Well, I'm having a hibernation, aren't you now? I'm Teen Yeti. Zip-a-zip-a-zip-a-zip-a-zip-a-zip-a. What? Actually, Paul, if you could come back some other time.

I'm Teen Yeti and I was having a bit of a hibernation wank. I called it a hiber wank. I'm Teen Yeti. Right, well, obviously that wasn't worth a reprise, so we won't be going back to Teen Yeti. Right well Obviously that wasn't Worth a reprise So we won't be No I'm here now Hello We won't be going back No no no You've roused me For my slumber stroke way

It's alright mate You go back to sleep I'm Team Yeti No it's alright Go back to sleep mate No I'm not going back to sleep You've roused me You've roused me

For my hundred year slumber Hundred years Oh well I'm Team Yeti yes So now what Well I have to Emb embark on my music career. Go on then. What's your new song called? Well, I'll just test it out on you.

It's called Hyper Wank. And it's a little song. It's about the process I go through when I start my hibernation routine off. Okay, good. I know it doesn't sound like it's going to be that good, but believe me, I will sprinkle the Yeti magic on this. All right, so here, performing for the first time live on Jeep Show, it's Teen Yeti with his brand new hit, Take It Away. Oh, I get ready to go to sleep for all the year, but then I fear that I'll come in my sleep

So I think I think to myself I'll just squeeze one out and then I won't have a mess when I wake I have what I have called a hyper wank yes I do I have what I have named a hyper wank, yes I do. I have what I have named. A high bar wank just for you. Wow, thank you. I'm going back over to Mount Gotpants now.

Alright, take care. Hello. Goodbye. The scribbles have got everywhere. Get out of my way. I must remake my nest by lining it with my spank Like, fuck off then, Teen Yeti

Bye Well, that was exciting You can download that now from iTunes It's going to be Make it number one for Christmas, shall we? Hi, bewank Well, I'm back here, Paul I'm Eli, hello

That was crazy You missed an amazing performance from Teen Yeti I think we've got a genuine hit on our hands. I don't think we should rouse him, though, that often, Paul. That was a one-off for Halloween. Yeah, he's one of our Halloween regulars. Yeah, he's one of our Halloween regulars that turns up every now and then. Right, so that was your platters.

No, I haven't finished talking about my fucking platters Go on then You just like I don't want to talk about the record So I'll summon a yeti Now he says your love is like Get off the wand It's my wand for one I bought the fucking thing

You will listen to what I have to say about Clarence Carter's It's a monster thing I had a fun bit prepared Paul Right so he says, your love is like Bigfoot, the mummy, wolfman, and also vampire, yeah? Yep. Now,

Bigfoot, he was never a universal monster, was he? No. But the creature from the Black Lagoon was. Yep. Now, what I got me to wondering, Paul, if you're going to wipe the makeup off, mate, just go for the Hitler moustache that I gave you. Yeah, that needs to go. Honestly, that's freaking me out.

You fucking gave me it. I was turning into a monster. And you did. So, your love is like Bigfoot. How could that be? Like, big and cavernous. Elusive. Oh, it comes and goes.

Elusive. Kept at the corner of your eye. Now, what about your love is like a mummy? Dry. Dry. Musty. Holds a grudge. Dusty.

Holds a thousand-year grudge. Yeah, a little bony. Your love is like the wolfman. Oh. Oh, it's cuddly. It's all bristly. But then it'll change. He'll change, become a monster.

It's bristly. It's cuddly. No, he'll bite you. It's like your love is like a vampire because you can suck my knob so hard the blood, all the blood comes out, mixed with my cum. If that happens, by the

way, go see a doctor. What, if a vampire bites your dick? Go see a doctor. If you spunk and there's all blood mixed in with it. Oh, fucking hell. Go see a doctor, yeah, Paul? Yeah, alright. I would anyway myself i would anyway i thought that bit was gonna go somewhere but you really i fucking did i fucking did fuck off i need a score for clarence carter's it's a monster thang one why because you let it down

it's a good tune though three and a half you your argument for it let it down. It's a good tune, though. Three and a half. It says, but you, your argument for it, let it down. Your love is like the blob. As in you're on the blob every time I try to do it. Wow. Come on, we can keep going with this. Your love is like an alien. No, it doesn't exist. Your love is like a serial killer.

It keeps coming back to chop my knob off. Why is everything about your knob? What do you mean keeps coming back to chop my knob off. Why is everything about your knob? What do you mean why is everything about my knob? Why is everything about your knob?

That's just the way the cookie crumbles. Is it? Yeah. Your knob crumbles like a cookie. That's the way the die's full.

Is your dick so flaky and dry that when you touch it, it crumbles like a big cookie? No, that's like your love is like the mummy. Yeah?

So your love is like a cookie then. No, that's like, your love is like the mummy. Yeah. So your love is like a cookie then. Your love... Shall we just finish this thing? Just finish the segment. I've just got nothing.

I think it's the first time we've given up. Oh God. What? The first time? Yeah. I was listening back to like Uncleakables

number one, yeah? Yeah. The first embryonic form of what we are doing these days, Paul. And you said, OK, it's Eli Silverman. And what have you been up to? I went, nothing. And I meant it.

Yeah. I hated you. And things have not changed since. OK. Now do you remember ages ago When we did the car boot challenge And I found in a box An item that I bought And it was this

A comic book Do you remember this? It's a horror comic isn't it yeah it's called gorgana's ghoul gallery by ac comics tales of the macabre and i was looking into it trying to do a bit more research and it's strange because basically it's like it's a collection of short you know short ec comic style tales from style. And usually what someone comes up with comes a cropper at the end. You know, poetic justice or, you know, whatever. But the main character...

That was the big EC thing, was the poetic justice. They were a wanker in some way, and then... Yeah, there was some kind of retribution or karmic justice. Yes, and wasn't the Twilight Zone a bit like that? Sometimes, sometimes with morality plays, sometimes plays Sometimes But ECU was always that Didn't ECU also have A sort of fantasy Like the hat

The 13th floor Of the weird house Or something Oh that was No that was a British comic A scream I think it was That had the 13th floor And that was

About a computer That would judge people That got into the elevator And if they were evil They'd take them To the 13th floor Where they'd Pay the price

I see I fucking love The 13th floor where they'd pay the price i see uh i fucking love the 13th floor i've got a companion of all of those my i used to buy were they weekly sort of um newsprint comics well they were like this they kind of look like this you know i had i collected something that was a weekly was newsprint it had color cover yeah and like maybe one story like the first story was cover but it was like the Beano or something it was just pure newsprint the whole way through and my dad found them

and he was like I don't want you buying those really? the one time in almost my whole childhood I was actually forbidden wow because they were quite gory

yeah of course they were they were and they were scary and a bit dark who's texting you now? So yeah, a bunch of morality tales But Scream, you were saying you used to read Scream But Scream was like that, which is the magazine style

Yeah, which is the old comics were Superhero comics came in You know like the Crypt Keeper was Tales from the Crypt This one's character's called Gorgana, right? Oh and that's him in the cover, is it? No, her is Gorgana. Oh, that's her on the cover. That's Gorgana, the alien there you can see with three eyes and breasts.

Now, here's the graveside glossary. Ghoul, a loathsome person who robs graves and feeds off the flesh of the dead. The most disgusting form of man. All men are scum, but a ghoul is the absolute pits. This is a bit feminist. Well, it's interesting that you mention that, because...

Oh, no, but it's coming from Gorgana. That's her description. Gorgana's character. She's a feminist. Well, I don't think she's even a feminist. She's just... Well, she hates all men are scum. Yeah.

All right, she's not... All right, whatever. Yeah, there's a subtle difference between hating men and being a feminist. I think most people would agree. All right, she's not... All right, whatever. Yeah, there's a subtle difference between hating men and being a feminist. I think most people would agree. All right, Paul, yes. You small-minded woman hater. Okay, Paul, well shot.

So, apparently... So, I did some research. Basically, AC Comics that published this is relatively... I say relatively new, but basically it was formerly known as Paragon Publishing in the 60s. It has a bunch of titles like this,

but then in the 80s, they renamed themselves AC Comics, and the idea was to reintroduce these comics to new audiences. The idea being is that it would publish old strips with new strips. So stuff from this file. So they'd reuse archived stuff and also... Add a few new bits. And probably bookend them. So I'd say maybe that Gordano is new as a sort of uh framing device for the whole book well gorgona comes from this

femforce which is like a comic strip about like female superheroes who team and also has a sort of yeah hygiene products uh it does sound like a feminine hygiene product. Yes. The characters were Ms. Victory, Night Vale, Sin, She-Cat, and Stardust. Ah. And Gorgona was the villainess.

Yes. You know? But she's presenting this to us. Yeah. This ghoul gallery. Yeah, because I think she became a breakout character in FemForce, even though she meant to be the villain. I see.

She became a bit... In the same way, like, the Monarch is a breakout character in Vengeabothers that kind of thing well they've always been the biggest characters the villains almost

haven't they but a lot of these stories do involve men getting killed by women really yeah there's the first story about a nerdy guy who goes to a club

and is picked up by a woman way out of his league and then she goes ah I'm a vampire and he legs it. She could probably suck. Suck quite good. Get the blood going.

You know what I mean, Paul? Yeah. Anyway, he escapes. Get the old baby's arm. He escapes because... Pulsing. Yeah. Pulsing like a little rod.

I don't want to think about it. Pulsing like a little beacon. Like a little red beacon in the room. No, sucking your cock's like drinking the last from a juice carton. It's just... How would you know? What do you mean, how do I know?

How would you know? I just imagine. I look at your sad little windsock. I have a little think about your sad little windsock. And I go, oh, I bet that's like sucking the bottom of a juice carton. How often do you think about it? All the time

every 10 to 15 minutes your penis pops into my mind it does more than pop it doesn't it kind of it flops in

it rolls in I thumb it into your mind you just roll it I fold it in half and roll it in yeah you do into your mind and it sits there

sad like a disappointed son yeah then I'll rub it on you no you don't and then I do yeah it's kept in a box

and then I go on I don't want to just keep going with this yeah good don't so anyway the first story

ends with the guy escaping the vampire the next one's about a guy who tries to save his girlfriend from a cult that wants to

sacrifice her but it turns out that oh she's a bad guy and it was already to sacrifice him bit like the wicker him bit like the wicker man bit like the wicker man so he gets stabbed at the end then there's a story about a man and a

woman who uh decide to tell the police that his wife is psychopath in a vampire cult and you know drive her mad um uh fake a murder and then it turns out oh no she really was a psychopath so it's all just guys getting their comeuppance. Yeah. In fact, even this says the last story, which I think we will perform as a piece, ends with, this story receives the official Gorgonis seal of approval because a man dies at the end. Yes, she really is.

She's a misandrist. She doesn't like him. So there are many stories, but I thought we'd perform the last one because it's the shortest. And it's called Escape Route. So we're going to read it panel by panel. All right?

How much can I just... How much longer? Because it's almost... Midnight. No, I know. We've just got this bit to go and then we can finish. I have to get up in the morning. No, I know.

We'll just get this done and then I'll go. There's something also I want to do. Well, no, we haven't got time for it. Well, I've got something I need to do. Well, if you get this done now, we'll get it sorted. All right. All right? Okay.

Seriously, it's your fault I'm here this late. I'm going to cut this bit out, yeah? Maybe. I might keep it in. Why? Just shut up. Fucking hell. Anyway, here we go.

You're going to play the main guy in this, all right? And I'll do other voices, okay? All right. Alright. A cool night, a hot temper, a ready gun, a common scene any night, any town USA, or is it? Come watch us as a desperate man searches for... Escape route! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Like, there's a policeman on a phone and he's speaking into his little... Radio. His radio. That's right. Suspect is a male. Caucasian. Five feet, ten inches. One hundred eighty pounds.

Last seen proceeding west on foot near the corner of 10th and Bradley. We got the area surrounded. Come on, Jim. I think I saw him run down this way. The two cops run past the man who was hiding behind the pillar. Man, this place is crawling with cops, but if they get me, I'll be in prison till I rot for icing that guy. I would pick a blind alley. Typical me, picking blind alleys. What a schmucko I am. typical me, picking blind alleys. What a schmucko I am. If I can bust into this old high-rise,

I might lose him in there. I guess I got no choice. I never leave myself any choices. Man, I'm so down on myself, but I am such a schmuck. Are you going off book? Yeah, a bit. Oh, I like it, though.

Okay. These babies are no good. If I went up, they'd really have me trapped. Looks like I'm stuck in here now. Unless, and he notices, some stairs. Wait a minute. Stairs lead down. Wait a minute. The basement.

Yeah, that's it. Some of these old places got sub-basements with connections to the sewers. Maybe I'll beat it yet. Or am I just running like a scared rabbit down into a hole? I don't have time for this philosophical introspection. I need to get on to it, but it's my only chance. I got

to. Gotta find a sewer lead, or the boys in blue got me. He goes down. The police could just hear him talking to himself at this point. I'm gonna go over here right now. Yeah, we can hear you. Typical me. I talk out loud.

Everything I do, I describe it. We're pretty sure you're over in the corner. No, okay. He's now in the basement. And he says to himself again, there are plenty places to hide. Yeah. But that don't do me no good. They'd find me sooner or later. It's got to be down here somewhere. Gotta be. He comes to a door.

Huh? Who's this old man? Hey, old man, wake up. What are you doing down here and then he thinks that door that's got to be it there's a door behind the man and the man wakes who who the what hello i'm just doing my job young fella this right what's going on says the old little old man. And then our hero stroke villain anti-hero has a thing. If I had a bullet left, I'd waste him. Why? He's nasty. And then he says, look old man,

I gotta get through that door. No, surely you don't wanna use this door. That is for sure no sirree. No way, buddy, kids, no. Bloody hell. Look, you old geezer.

I don't want to hurt you. But there's about a million cops upstairs looking for me. And that door is my only chance. No, no, you don't want to. I can't let you. Old man, if you don't move! I can't let ya! Old man, if you don't move I'm gonna kill you. Understand? What is this anyway? Who are you? What are you doing down there?

Alright! If you stop yelling I'll tell ya! And then the man speaks. The old man speaks. He was already speaking. And he's still speaking. speaking still speaking this here door is a gateway to sorry sorry I was just the legibility kind of went down there you say Charlie says this here door is the gateway to hell itself. And I've been sitting here to guard it. I ain't moved from here in almost 2,000 years.

And I can't let nobody get through that door, not for nothing. Long as I set up against that door, things all right. Now, you can see why I can't. Bull! I don't know what your act is pops or why you gave me that line but I'm going. I got life or worse staring me in the face if I don't get to that door. And then he smacks the old guy with a chair. Besides even if it was true, why would it need a guard? Who would want to get into hell? Oh no, Shawty.

I never said I was here from keeping folks getting into hell. But from getting out. Oh. The end Now he gets pulled to hell Yeah And that's the moral I guess

Don't kill people And then go through doors That's the moral No he's just A baddie isn't he He's a wrongan Badden Well there you go

That was Gorgana's Ghoul Gallery This has been one of the worst episodes of our whole career. We keep saying that, though, don't we? No, but this really was. This really was, Paul. Right, can we just wrap this up now, then? Yeah, I've got this thing now I need to do, yeah? What are you looking for Keith for?

Mate, can we finish this fucking show now? No. Didn't you take Keith to the live show? There's something I want to do. Isn't Keith in your bag? No, hang on. Mate, what are you looking for Keith for He's dead You should have

Buried that Oh mate Can we finish Fucking Cheap Show No Paul now listen There's something I need to do Why

I'm telling you It's nearly midnight Mate and I'm done And we've recorded The podcast We've done Trick or Treat No I've got this Do you remember

I just want to go home Do you remember This document I thought I threw that out Well I retrieved it. Why? Because I love Keith, Paul. Bin full of shit.

Because I believe that Keith can be resuscitated. It's already dead. I don't understand. No, he could be... When Brandoff shot him... But his soul is gone and his soul will re-enter his crumpled form. Mate, this is all because you've been mad with that fucking witch's mouth demon hole, whatever that is.

You've been getting into some weird occult shit lately and this stops tonight. Now, this is from Richard Brandoff and this will work. Why did Richard bring this? This could change everything for us. What even is it? It's a ritual and it says

not to be used until this day. Richard's handwriting there. And then it says that... Why has he written it in blood? It's a magic ritual, Paul. People have to make sacrifices for this type of thing, okay? Okay. And he says we can resurrect the spirit of Keith...

No. ...by using that. No, we're not going to resurrect... It's fine. What we have to do, look, you just have to shake this little bottle of wee, my wee... Why?

Is that why there's been a bottle of piss on this table all fucking episode? Yes. I thought that was cider well it's piss I nearly drank that well I wouldn't have allowed you to okay I don't know

you're kinky you would have you probably would have let me take a sip I would have been tempted you would have let me take a sip you would have let me

get my little bottom wet and you would have gone ooh salty very nice oh it's a nice scrumpy very cloudy so look so no but Paul honestly I've got I want to just try this it's probably nice scrumpy very cloudy so look

no but Paul honestly I've got I want to just try this it's probably going to do anything I still have to drink the wee anyway don't I no you just have to shake

the bottle of wee look so okay so you do that so my plan is we do this we get him back and then it's end of the episode

it'll be great everyone's happy so you drink the wee drink the wee you don't drink the wee I kind of want to drink the wee though now you have to eat

this extremely spicy gherkin psycho gherkins wee. Drink the wee? You don't drink the wee. I kind of want to drink the wee though now. You have to eat this extremely spicy gherkin. Psycho gherkins ghost pepper. Nagra pickled gherkins. It's a very easy ritual. I'll just tell you what the ritual consists of, Paul.

We eat one of those. We shake the wee bottle. Okay. And then we kiss the little well he wants a, I don't know why he asked for like a mole embryo but we haven't got one of those

we haven't got a mole embryo so how would we ever get one anyway I know it's ridiculous where do you even get one of those

but if we're using that instead of a mole how can we be sure this will work this is a little plastic cat we're dealing with

shit that we shouldn't deal with it's all just symbolic Paul all this magic stuff is symbolic but you could be summoning up anything.

I'm going to... No, it's summoning Keith's soul back, okay? Now, and we just have to kiss this little cat. Kiss the cat, shake the piss, eat the gherkin.

Not in... That's the opposite way to do it, though. We start with the gherkin and it says very clearly and then... Serious pickles for serious chilly heads.

And then I recite this short passage and then we're good. Okay? We're good to go, yeah? And it's coming up. And. And then I recite this short passage. Okay. And then we're good. Okay? We're good to go. Yeah? And you've got to do that at midnight.

Yeah. It's like literally like 30 seconds to minutes. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let me just read this. Hang on. The longer you leave them, the hotter they get. You may experience pain.

Do not panic. Three. Pain facilitates the release of the powerful endorphins from within your brain 4. Endorphins make you feel good 5. If pain symptoms persist, do not lower your dosage 6. Just quit your whining and have another damn pickle 7. Hello be thy pain By Dr. Bernanorium

Open the pickles and let's start this shit going Okay Burninorium Open the pickles Let's start this shit going Okay Did you hear that? I thought it was thunder I was going to say smell What's that half of? Very pickly You can eat one of those Alright I'm going to have one

Oh god Do we have to eat the whole one Or just a bite of it? You have to eat the whole thing Fuck what if I can't? Just do it Let's do it now Okay

Huh? Okay Oh no Oh fuck it Oh no. Oh, fuck it all, mate. Give me the lid. Oh, God. I'm shaking the piss.

I'm shaking the piss. Fuck, I need to shake the piss. That's it, we shake the piss. We shake the piss. Fuck, I need to shake the piss. That's it, we shake the piss. Now you need to kiss the cat. Kiss the little mole, the suppricant. I'm kissing the cat. Kiss the mole, suppricant. Oh, pardon to me, I'll kiss the rear end. Oh god, they were really hot.

Woo. Now I just need to recite this short passage. Om nom shivay. Con blad. God, what's going on? Om biskaiti hai. Jesus. Fischer sarai de lampadusa. De poppy cranko. Cranko biski. Cranko rinky binky. I think you should stop this.

I think this is a good idea. This is not... Do not complete the ritual. Do not complete... Please don't complete the ritual, Eli. Please don't do this! What the fuck was all that? What are all those demons swirling around? What's going on?

Has it worked? Has it worked, Eli? Is Keith... I don't think it's worked. He's in the jar. I'm not Keith. I am not Keith. Who are you, then? I'm Big... No!

Don't say it! Hamster! No, that's not true. We got rid of you... We got rid of you a long time ago. You't say it. Hamster. No, that's not true. We got rid of you... We got rid of you a long time ago. You're not real. It was a bad gag I shouldn't have done. It's not funny. It's not real. You're not Big Papa Hamster. Oh, yes, I am.

I'm here to record my second album. No. Is this some fucking joke he got? Because if it is, it's not funny, all right? The last time he made an album, I had to do stuff for him to inspire him. It was not good. He would come at night and... Don't fuck about,

Eli. This is not funny. Yes, Paul, you're my muse. You are Big Papa Hamster's little body boy. And I need you to be able to record this album. No, please don't. I don't

like it. I don't want to be botty boy no more. Everyone said you weren't real. Everyone said I made you up. Everyone said it was a bad gag just to kind of do cheap pedophile jokes in an early podcast when your format wasn't set in properly and you regret it instantly and that's why we've not done it for nearly three years.

Well, you were wrong and now you'll follow me into hell. Mr. Brandoff has unleashed me into the world and I will inhabit Silverman forevermore. No. Oh god, that Brandoff

son of a fucking bitch. I knew he'd be against it. Right, you stay away from me. Don't you touch me. Don't you touch me! You stay away from me! Don't you touch me! Oh, I'll touch you, alright. I'll touch you deep inside. No! God! I've got to think of my way out of this. How do I get out of this? I've got to... I've got to... What did we do last time? We've got to do something like pull something out of a demon. What do we have that pulls the... Oh, I know. Oh, God. All right.

Okay. I'm just going to... You'll never find anything to defeat me. I'm lodged right inside Eli's cranium. I'm Big Papa Hamster. You may know me from my hit single, Hamster Gonna Hair You Up. Oh, yeah? Miss Big Papa Hamster? Yeah, you think it yeah? Miss Big Peppa Hamster?

Yeah, you think this is funny, do ya? Oh, what have you got there? Show me, it won't do you any good. You may also know me from my EP, Hamster Time. If there's one thing my mate Eli told me, it's that if you want something pulled out, you've gotta grab it.

And when you wanna grab it, there's a little monkey paw out on the stand by. Oh, you've got to grab it. And when you want to grab it, there's a little monkey claw out on the standby. Oh, I've got three wishes. And my first wish is I'm going to pull Eli out of you. Oh no, not the Scooby-Doo wanky monkey claw. That's the only object in the whole universe that can remove me. Big Papa Hamster, yes it's me, from inside Eli's cranium. Oh no, oh no, put it down, put the wanky monster claw down, put the monkey claw down.

It's coming to get you, it's coming to get you, oh it's coming to get you, I'm gonna reach inside your soul. I'm gonna reach inside your soul! I'm gonna reach inside your soul! I'm gonna reach inside your soul! I got it! Oh no! Oh no! I'm Big Papa Hamster! I'm Big Papa Hamster! I had so much more to say! My second album

was gonna be really good! I was doing a duet with Kanye! Okay, I've got it in the pork. Paul! Paul, I'm back. What happened to me?

Paul? Paul? I'm back. I was... Hey, what's Keith still dead? What's happened here? Paul, why aren't you talking? That was weird. I felt like I fell asleep there for a few seconds.

Oh, Bobby's got a brand new bag. Big Papa Hamster's coming to get you, Sonny Jim. Oh no, right, I'm out of here. Come here, little boy, come here. Oh God, he's coming. What's happened to Paul? I don't know what's happened to Paul. Oh God, Keef, I've got to Paul? I don't know what's happened to Paul.

Oh God, Keith, I've got, at least I've got Keith's dedicated course with me. I'll find, I'll find. It must be because we used a pussycat instead of a dead mole embryo. Okay, I think I've lost him. I don't know what's wrong with Paul, but he seems to be possessed by Big Papa Hamster.

God, he doesn't bear thinking about. But here I am. I think I've lost him. It's okay. I'll just take a breath here and then call the police. Okay. Okay. Okay. Papa got you!

Yeah!