CheapShow - Ep344: Firm Milky Lollipops

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hi everybody, it's Eli here. Paul's over there. Hello, and I'm at peace now that I've found God. Well, that took me out of a surprise. I feel happier. Have you found God? Yeah, I've found him. That's good. Where did you find him? He's in this box.

Starting point is 00:00:14 Oh, yeah. He's in this box. Hang on, hang on. Let me just get him out. It's a porcelain box of some sort. Yeah, it's a special box that keeps gods in. I get him out, I go, you in there? Hello. Let's start again. No, no, no, no, no. I like this one. No, can you a special box that keeps gods in. I get him out and go, you in there? Hello. Let's start again. No, no, no, no. Let's start again.

Starting point is 00:00:27 No, can you put my crockery down, please? How are you, God? I'm alright. Don't stop using it. I'll get you a box. What are you up to? Wait.

Starting point is 00:00:35 Oh, I don't like being in a box. Get off. Put it down. I don't like being in this box. I want my God in a box sketch.

Starting point is 00:00:43 Put my crockery down. Why? We're starting again. You'll chip it. I won't chip being in this box. I want my God in a box sketch. Put my crockery down. Why? We're starting again. You'll chip it. I won't chip it. Stop. That's a box, is it? Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:00:52 I'm God in a box. You're not in a box. You're in a pair of bowls. I look at you, Eli, and I know where you're going when you die. Where? Oh, you're going to the naughty place downstairs. I'm going to the naughty place downstairs. You're going to the naughty place downstairs, so say I am God.

Starting point is 00:01:06 Okay. Well, perhaps if you are God, you can tell me what will happen to me, I don't know, next Tuesday. Oh, next Tuesday. Let me just look in my book. I go, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. Here we go. I've got it.

Starting point is 00:01:22 Tuesday. Are you sure it's me you've looked under? Yeah, I've looked it up. Steven Silverman. Steven Silverman, isn't it? That's your name, isn't it? No, it's Eli Silverman. Oh.

Starting point is 00:01:32 Yeah. So it's not that Tuesday. Let me check it out again then. Okay. Here we go. It's Eli Silverman. Tuesday. Tuesday.

Starting point is 00:01:39 Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. There we go. Yeah, you're going to lose a bank card. That's what's going to happen. You're going to lose a bank card. Wow, that's quite accurate, Paul, Tuesday. There we go. Yeah, you've got to lose a bank card. That's what's got to happen. You've got to lose a bank card.

Starting point is 00:01:48 Wow, that's quite accurate, Paul, actually. And the following Thursday, you've got to stump your toe when you're cooking in the kitchen. You don't want any more. Lo, for I am God. For I am God and I know all. If you just hang about there for a second, God, because I found an important person in my life.

Starting point is 00:02:03 Yeah, you found an important person. Just like Paul found you in that box. Yeah, to be brought to a special God box. You have a fucking God, haven't you? You have a fucking God, what have you? You jealous prick. Why does it sound like a bowl?

Starting point is 00:02:16 Why does it sound like a bowl? It's because it's the cuckoo sticks in this box. Well, I found the devil the other day in this box. That's where I found him. Fucking devil prick. What's he got? Hello.

Starting point is 00:02:30 Hello. You all right, mate? Yeah, how's it going up there? Yeah, you know, it's not too bad as it goes up here, mate. Oh, you know what? I've got terrible yeast infection all around my gonads up my arse.

Starting point is 00:02:41 Can you do something about it? Yeah, I've got a topical cream. Hang on, let me check my book. Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. Is it devil? Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. Anyway, I think we'd better put these back in their boxes and put them away.

Starting point is 00:02:57 All right, I'll see you next week, Paul. You're right. All right, go. Well, we found God this week. No, I found the devil. Did you not get that? Yes. You didn't get pick up on that?

Starting point is 00:03:07 You found them both. Do I get that again? No. Oh, I'm the devil. I'm in a box. Oh, I've got yeast infection. Oh, you know what helps me? You know what helps me with the yeast infection?

Starting point is 00:03:19 Oh, when you spray some powder on it. I like that. That's health powder you get in spray cans. That's it. Hello, that will do as help powder. You're getting spray cans. That's it. Hello. That will do as a cold open this week for Cheap Show episode. Will it? Whatever number it is.

Starting point is 00:03:31 It doesn't. It has. It won't do. And it did. It doesn't do. It's going to have to. I hate you and your fucking noodle posse. People love noodles. little posse. Off-brand, brand-off, off-brand, brand-off Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap Show

Starting point is 00:04:10 It's the price of shite Paul Gannon Eli Silverman Welcome to Cheap Show. And I go and I nuzzle. Oh, we're very tired this week on Cheap Show because, well, we had a full weekend of being entertainment lords.

Starting point is 00:04:38 We were part of the Digitizer Live experience. Two shows, Friday, Saturday night of wacky Digitizer-fl digitizer flavored hijinks and we're a little bit pooped because of it today if you came thank you very much for coming yes i was there on the saturday night the best of the nights no well biffo preferred the friday why and you know i'm just gonna say this he said i looked happier on stage uh on friday than on saturday night when you're there i think he noticed that i'm a better person when i'm not around when you're there, I think he noticed that I'm a better person. When I'm not around? When you're not around.

Starting point is 00:05:06 I can be myself more. I can be uncut Ganon. What do I do? How do I inhibit you? You're like a cloud, aren't you? It's like my life is a sunny day and you are the looming grey cloud. Looming grey cloud.

Starting point is 00:05:20 I think you're still tired, Paul. I'm very tired. You're the looming gay. Sometimes you are the looming gay.. I'm very tired. You're the looming gay. Sometimes you are the looming gay. No, there's no such thing as the looming gay, apart from stereotypes in the 1800s. Listen, the looming gay is a thing. It's a boat, probably, yes.

Starting point is 00:05:35 All aboard the HMS Looming Gay. Hoo, hoo. Eat me spinach. I don't know where that goes. Eat me spinach. Eats me spinach. I'm strong to the finish. Because I eats me spinach. I'm bumhole the that goes. Eat me spinach. Eats me spinach. I'm strong to the finish. Because I eats me spinach.

Starting point is 00:05:47 I'm bumhole the sailor man. Boop boop. Got that out of the way. I've got nothing this week, Paul. You've got nothing. This is going to be a very short. This is very bad. So have you picked out what you're going to wear for the wedding?

Starting point is 00:05:56 I don't even know the fucking date. Does it say on the invite? Yeah, September. I'll give you it later. It's September sometime. Early September. Around about the time we do our 350th.

Starting point is 00:06:06 I thought I'd go for like a Tarzan codpiece, nipple tassels and studio line. Yeah. Just a studio line. Like a whole helmet style studio.

Starting point is 00:06:16 Solid studio line. It'd be nice to see you dress up for a change. You know, rather than just being in your usual slack, baggy, formless shape

Starting point is 00:06:24 of clothing that you thrust upon yourself. I don't wear formless clothes. You do. You just being in your usual slack, baggy, formless shape of clothing that you thrust upon yourself. I don't wear formless clothes. You do. You just roll into your clothes and whatever's stuck to you when you come out the other side is what you wear for the day. I will not take fashion pointers from Mr. Giacomo Friday. Giacomo doesn't even exist, does it, anymore?

Starting point is 00:06:39 I don't think it does. Boohoo Man. Boohoo Man? Who let the dogs out? Is that what that is? Is that what you're talking about? I don't know. I can wear what I like.

Starting point is 00:06:49 You can wear what you like. And you do. And what you wear is like a bin man. No, it's not like a bin man. It is. Bin men don't have a uniform. They do. They have that high-vis thing and they'll have a patch.

Starting point is 00:07:00 It's a uniform of sorts then, isn't it? That's what I said. It's a uniform. And they have a big badge on their back saying bin man. It's not their everyday fucking wear. isn't it? That's what I said. It's a uniform. And they have a big badge on their back saying bin man. It's a uniform. It's not their everyday fucking wear. So I what? I go what? So I wear a high vis...

Starting point is 00:07:10 When you say I dress like a bin man, do you mean I have a high vis vest and I have Haringey Council on a patch on my back and I smell of fish and old eggs? Yes, that you mostly smell of fish and old eggs. You smell of a bumhole Friday. You are what I like to call a tripe man. I would like to spray a powdery residue all over you

Starting point is 00:07:30 and then... Not smear it in. No, not smear it in. Rub, rub. Rub, rub, rough, rough. Oh, here we go. Here you are. What are we in?

Starting point is 00:07:37 Three minutes. And the fucking barking's begun. Rough, rough, rough. See, stop it. There's no need. You're an adult man. Paul. And you can use words to be funny. See, stop it. There's no need. You're an adult man. Paul. And you can use words to be funny.

Starting point is 00:07:48 I can. You can try that. Yes, but unfortunately... Ask me. I'll write a joke now on any topic. I'm going to give you a topic and you have to write a joke about it. Okay.

Starting point is 00:07:54 The topic is crossing the road. I say, I say, I say. What do you say? I was crossing the road every... Every day. You were crossing the road every day. I cross the road every day. Do you?

Starting point is 00:08:05 But just this last Tuesday, I was crossing the road, a lo You were crossing the road every day. I cross the road every day. Do you? But just this last Tuesday, I was crossing the road, a lollipop man came up, and I said, oh, it'll take you a long time to cross the road with your tiny legs. Your lolly was made like a lolly was literally a lollipop man

Starting point is 00:08:17 made of a lollipop. Oh, dear. I didn't expect it to go that badly. Did you? I didn't. Come on, another topic. All right, topic. I'll tell you what. I'll give expect it to go that badly. Did you? I didn't. Come on, another topic. All right, topic. I'll tell you what.

Starting point is 00:08:28 I'll give you a soft punt. I'll give you an easy one, right? Hot sauce. Give me a hot sauce gag. The other day, I say, I say, I say. I'll tell you what. Why are you doing it like you're trying to sell me nylons in the 50s? I'll tell you what.

Starting point is 00:08:44 The missus. Yeah, the missus. She was asleep, right? Yeah. And I got some of that hot sauce. Yes. And I crept in there. Crept in.

Starting point is 00:08:53 And I... This is a joke and not like some vulgar kind of sex act you're about to break into. No, no, no. All right, okay. No, absolutely not. No, don't. No. No.

Starting point is 00:09:03 Missus snoring away. Yeah. It's two in the morning. Yeah. I take the old... Come on, mate. You can get through this. Even if it's shit, you can get through it. Okay, alright. I take out my wheelie. You're not allowed to use any nonsense words. No. It looks like you're veering.

Starting point is 00:09:20 Take out my wheelie. Yeah. This is not very good. And then I pucker the meters open yeah you just pinch the sides drip drip drop yeah oh didn't half burn right wife wakes up she goes what's on earth's going on i've got i say oh my penis is on fire she calls the ambulance i go to hospital right so where's the joke coming in what bit is the joke wherever you like joke wherever you like where is the topic i'll give you one on hot sauce joke? Wherever you like. Come on, one more topic. I'll give you one on hot sauce.

Starting point is 00:09:47 Three's a good one. I've got a new company that sets up that tells you exactly what page you've got open on your laptop. It's called Tabask Co. Now I've lost it, Will. Now. At least that was a joke.

Starting point is 00:10:02 At least that was a form like a joke and not you just once again find an excuse to tell a story of a man pouring hot sauce into the tip of his penis. Like that. Here's another topic. Give me, give me,

Starting point is 00:10:15 give me a good old funny joke, right? Think of one about apartheid. Right, well, that's that segment done with them. We can all move on, because Eli just gave me a mental blank check. Great. That's hard. You did that on purpose.

Starting point is 00:10:35 Yeah, I did. No, I'll tell you what. I'll give you an easy one. Ready? Eggs. Oh, I said to the missus, I'll tell you what. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:43 Ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. I'll tell you what. I stopped saying I'll tell you what. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. I'll tell you what. Stop saying I'll tell you what. And then pointing to an imaginary Mrs. outside the door. No, she'll hear. She'll hear.

Starting point is 00:10:52 Shh. Everybody. No, I'm doing like. This is like the comedians. Yes. And it was horrible. Shh. Shh. Everyone.

Starting point is 00:10:57 Because she'll hear, right? Is that your catchphrase? Shh. Everyone. She'll hear. Yes. That is my catchphrase. No, I like it.

Starting point is 00:11:01 It's actually quite good. Shh. Hello, everybody. Shh. She'll hear you. Right. Calm it. It's actually quite good. Shh. Hello, everybody. Shh. She'll hear you. Right. Calm down. Calm down.

Starting point is 00:11:08 Calm down. Like when people complain about podcasts that go on for far too long before they get into the meat of things. She'll hear you. This is literally the definition of that. Go on. She'll hear you.

Starting point is 00:11:15 Now, sorry. What was the subject of this joke again? Eggs. Okay. All right. Shh. I said to the missus the other day, I reckon our little Timmy, I reckon, shh, no, she'll hearh. I said to the missus the other day, I reckon our little Timmy,

Starting point is 00:11:27 I reckon, shh, no, she'll hear you. I said, I said, I said, I reckon our little Timmy's turned into a chicken. And she said, well, take him to the psychologist. So I did. And he goes, I can cure this for you, 10 bob. And I said, yeah, but could you wait till next week? Because we need the eggs.

Starting point is 00:11:47 We need the eggs. That's an actual joke, Paul, not mine. Oh, no. He stole it and it's still awful. It's not a good joke. I wouldn't even give that a standing ovoation. It's wacky bong bong time. No, it's wacky bong bong time it's wacky bong bong time

Starting point is 00:12:05 I'm squeezing an egg out and that's calm down now let me just say what's coming up today we have a country urban noodle test lab international cuisine kitchen

Starting point is 00:12:20 segment where we've got some lovely noodles to get through and explore and then following that Wyatt to return to Silverman's Platter for some more weird oddities of sound

Starting point is 00:12:31 weird vinyl coming up on Silverman's Platter section and we have some very weird things for you today that's it right

Starting point is 00:12:38 shall we get into it nine minutes on the nose I just wanted to mention one thing yeah because you said a hot sauce yeah

Starting point is 00:12:43 and sauce is a special area of interest for this podcast. I think we can both agree. Preamble's not needed. Get on with it. We can both agree. That. As long as we can both agree on that. Preamble is not needed.

Starting point is 00:12:54 Get into the meat. Well, the preamble's not needed, but I want your agreement. Get your meat in. I want to know. Get to the meat. I want you to say sources of special interest to this podcast. You have a special interest in sauce, which happens to be a tangential part of the content of this podcast.

Starting point is 00:13:08 Yes. Please get into the meat of it before. It's funny you should say that, meat, because... I'm just going to stop this. No, don't stop it. I'm my fingers a minute away. I'm just going to stop it. No, please don't. Please, I need to say something about sauce. I won't do any preamble. You have ten seconds. Ten, nine, eight, seven,

Starting point is 00:13:23 seven, six, five, sauce. I won't do any preamble. You have ten seconds. Ten. Nine. Hot sauce is growing in popularity in Britain. And you know what? Mayonnaise and ketchup have both gone down as everyone's favourite condiment. Two. That's all I wanted to say. One. It's the noodle segment of the show. It's where they like the noodles go. You come and get your noodles

Starting point is 00:13:39 here with us. If you like them stringy or thick or you like him with a No. Eat a prick. You can Try that again, Paul. I like the energy

Starting point is 00:13:51 but you need to get your mouth in order. Go like this. Hey big dog dig dag big dog dick. Hey dad dog dig

Starting point is 00:13:59 dog dig dog dog. Say hey hey daddy dog dick. Say hey daddy dog dick.

Starting point is 00:14:06 Say hey hey non hey, Daddy Dog Dick. I'm not saying, hey, Daddy Dog Dick. Say, hey, hey, Nonny Dog Dick. Hey, Nonny Dog Dick. Daddy Donny. Hey, Doddy Non Dod Dick. It's time for a live special. Little lovely noodles. You'll have plenty. Absolutely oodles.

Starting point is 00:14:24 It's the country urban noodle. I'm Temp Skin. Temp Skin. I just don't know what the word Temp Skin is. And that's that. Oh, mate. Whoa, we are very tired. Temp Skin.

Starting point is 00:14:39 I pulled back my Temp Skin. It's not my usual skin. It's not my usual skin. It's my temp skin. Oh, I've put on a latex foreskin. It's called a temp skin. No, that's something in that, Paul. Just to tie me over till Christmas. We could...

Starting point is 00:14:55 No, we're not going to invent fake foreskins for people. That could be a very... Because they say when you... To make money, passive income. You know, all these grifts. You just think of something. We should go and do that domain name before we really...

Starting point is 00:15:07 Tempskin Foreskins. Tempskin. Please read the letter out. It's a noodle segment. We had some noodles sent to us. Eli, read the noodle letter. You can have a Tempskin which has a bollock bag.

Starting point is 00:15:18 Please read the noodle letter. There could be storage options in your Tempskin. That's what I'm saying. I'm leaving you to it. Go on. Hello, Tempskin. Hey, nonny dog dick, it says at the top of this.

Starting point is 00:15:31 No, it doesn't. No, we've been sent some noodles, Paul. Yeah. Yes. Just so everyone's on the same page. And here's the letter that came. Go for it. With the noodles that we will be tasting today.

Starting point is 00:15:40 Or some of them. We're not going to taste all. There was five different types, all of the same brand. I think the letter will elucidate. Please elucidate please elucidate elucidate further hello cheap show chaps hello it's nice isn't it fine enclosed a selection of the finest noodles from the philippines all the flavors are traditional filipino dishes nice okay good expiry dates are quite short apologies for that for that. All right. We're still in date, though. Well, yes.

Starting point is 00:16:07 Yeah. They are still in date. I think so. Oh, quite short, they mean. We need to get to them soon. Yeah, I'll eat an out-of-date noodle. Yeah, I'll fucking eat it. The worst one was that wrapper pot noodle.

Starting point is 00:16:20 That had really gone. Dirty dust. They are all for local sale, So maximum salt and MSG. Because of this, they taste so much better than the diluted export versions. Interesting. So this person is saying that they... Tastes better, but worse for you overall. You get a saltier noodle locally. Yeah, it's all right.

Starting point is 00:16:36 We don't need to elucidate on that. She'll hear you. She'll hear you. You wake her up. They all cost less than 20p each. Wow. That's extremely cheap. But that is from the Philippines,

Starting point is 00:16:50 where I think they're not suffering from the same inflation. They all cost less than 20p each, and apologies for the slight crushing. Can't be helped. It's all right. I'll recover. Your wife does it every other day to me. Shh, she'll hear you.

Starting point is 00:17:06 Anyway, it's just the way it goes. It's the cut and the frost. But they have had a bit of a trip around the globe. Fantastic. So these are, because you can get this brand. Yeah. And it are, many thanks for the entertainment, Alex. Thank you, Alex.

Starting point is 00:17:16 Thank you, Alex. Now. These are lucky. These are all lucky me. Lucky you. Which are manufactured by a company called Monde Nissan. Are they related to the ones that we know? I think they do Nissan...

Starting point is 00:17:31 Around the world? No, they do Nissan in the Philippines, but I think Nissan is a Japanese company who does it in Japan. So it's like a subsidiary kind of thing. No, they're a totally different organisation. They own Kwan. Oh. Yes, they bought Kwan for 500 mil.

Starting point is 00:17:47 Oh. Monday, Nissen, yeah. And they do all sorts of stuff. Noodles, obviously. Yeah. Energy drinks. Biscuits is their other big thing. What kind of biscuits?

Starting point is 00:17:58 Are we talking like just rich tea or? Have you ever been in like a Chinese supermarket and seen those Sky Flakes? Yeah, we've had them on the show, didn't we? Yes, that's them. Okay, good. They do they do them fair enough now so what have you picked out i have picked out the what i thought the most unusual we've got three noodles yeah these are lucky me and these are all stir-fried noodles and another thing i picked up from wikipedia today paul lucky me were the first people to make stir- fry style instant noodles that is opposed as opposed to broth style soup soup style yeah okay in the philippines so these are the original sort of stir fried style uh instant ramen right we've got milky chicken milky now yeah because we need

Starting point is 00:18:36 we need to mention these are called milky me not lucky me no one is not one is just a lucky me so milky me is their milky-off. It's their Milky... What does that mean? It's their Milky... Got excited last night on a bit of a Milky spin-off. A huge Milky spin-off all over your face. Father. Yes, it must be a sub-brand of Milky style noodles.

Starting point is 00:19:03 Why is it Milky? Is it powdery? It's like you don't add milk to it, right? It must have powdered milk in it. Yes. Throw me the pack. Throw me one of them. Here's the milky chicken for you.

Starting point is 00:19:12 So there's milky chicken, flavour instant noodles, contains milk, rich in vitamin A and iron, 25% less sodium. So that's something at least. Okay. And then on the label the on the label it is just yeah look it's it's a milky broth the other milky one we have is milky meat milky corn i reckon this is going to be nicer than the corn the chicken be nicer than the corn considerably

Starting point is 00:19:36 i would also argue as well right that didn't someone reckon i'm sure someone told me on twitter recently or something like that where it's like oh there's a great hack where to make your noodles better, you make them in milk. So is that a new thing? Is that something that's been around for a while? I think a lot of traditional Filipino dishes would have milk in the broth. As a base? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:56 But it's catching on as a thing around the world now? What? Fine. Coconut milk you get in Thai-style noodles, of course, as well. Yeah. It's nice. It's sort of an umami, that sort of tongue-coating kind of effect that milk has, you know? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:10 It can work with a broth for me. Don't you agree? Yes. No, I'm not listening. And then we also have a different lucky me here, true-to-taste bulalo. I hope I'm pronouncing that right. Okay. Bulalo, which is beef bone marrow flavour.

Starting point is 00:20:25 Now, that's something I've never tasted before. Bone marrow. Well, I've had bone marrow. Yeah. Stop looking at me like that. I was going to just jump on it. Not everything has to be rude. Sometimes we can let them go.

Starting point is 00:20:36 I can let some bone marrow go. You've got all milky me. That's how it happens. Bulalo. I'm surprised that's not Milky Me as well, then. I have eaten bone marrow, but I've never had a bone marrow-flavoured instant noodle. All right, good to know.

Starting point is 00:20:51 Good to know. So I'm interested to find that. Of course, these are all... But these don't look like... No, well, this one says... These are soup ones. These are milky ones, aren't they? Yeah, it is.

Starting point is 00:20:59 These are milk ones. All three of these are soup ones. Yeah. Ah! That made you a liar then, didn't it? No, because I'm familiar with Lucky Me. They sell them in Britain. The Lucky Me sub-brand called Pantone Cansit.

Starting point is 00:21:11 Or Canson... No, it's Canton Pansit, right? Pato Banton. What did you say? Compliments on your kiss. That wasn't... Yeah, it was Pato Banton. Yeah, with Red Dragon or whatever it was.

Starting point is 00:21:24 Released in the 90s. Yes. Anyway, go on. Should we just make these now? No, I want to say something about this in actual facts. Because I've enjoyed Lucky Me branded noodles

Starting point is 00:21:34 for ages, Paul. And the stir fry ones, the Canton pan-sit ones, they have chilli ones and they have calamansi. Mate. Okay. Okay. They've got chilli ones. Yeah. Andansi. Mate. Okay? Okay.

Starting point is 00:21:46 They've got chilli ones. Yeah. And they also have... What's that got to do with this? I'm just talking about noodles now for a second. But you always do. They have calamansi ones and they have chilli ones. But the best ones to get, this is my little tip from the top for all you noodle lovers out there.

Starting point is 00:22:00 If you're going for Lucky Me Pantone Pancit, yeah, go for the half and half. Chili Manci. That's a great noodle. One of my top noodles. Almost certainly one of my favorite stir-fried style. Have we done a kind of top ten noodles of you? No. Have you ever done that?

Starting point is 00:22:15 No. We did top three. The minute you come up with a top ten, we'll do it. I'm saying this once and that's it. So it's up to you if you want to do it to produce the top ten at some point. And have a good think about it. Well, I up to you if you want to do it to produce the top 10 at some point. And have a good think about it. Well, I've got noodles...

Starting point is 00:22:26 Think about historically your favourites. Some that might not be in production anymore. Some that... Well, we'll have to taste. How are we going to taste one that isn't in production anymore?

Starting point is 00:22:34 It's about you and your memory, isn't it? It's about you and your thoughts and feelings. Anyway, the Lucky Me Canton Pancit Chili Mansi. Oh, oh, oh.

Starting point is 00:22:42 But you can see from these... Fucking hell, I'm bored. What would you say about the size of these noodle packs small biscuit packets they're small yes they're small so what i do portion of one what i do is i if i'm hungry feeling hungry on the in the tum tum area yeah i will take two of these in one go take two noodles into your shower not me i just like to spoff and go. It's funny you should say that because I've got that novelty washing up cloth

Starting point is 00:23:08 that looks like a noodle. Great. So, can we all do these now? It looks like a noodle. Can we do these now? Yes. We're going to have to cut away

Starting point is 00:23:16 and come back. Prepare these. Yeah. Prepare them, come back, taste them. Now, because we're doing three lots,

Starting point is 00:23:22 we're going to have to do three separate things and then try them so one will be a bit colder than the others when we get them ready. Yes. Let's just want to do two. I want to taste bulalo. And I want to taste milky chicken. Okay, so let's drop the corn. Drop the corn?

Starting point is 00:23:34 I'll report back to you and do this my own time. You can save it for a Patreon or something. Okay. Yeah. Cool, so we're doing two noodles today, everybody. Milky chicken and bulalo, which is beef bone marrow flavour. I'm hoping for a really umami. And Alex said in the letter that they're going to be proper salty, even though that says reduced salt.

Starting point is 00:23:51 Salty, milky chicken. Expiry date, 19th of June, 23. Yeah, you're fine. We're fine. You're fine. All right. Should we throw them in the pan and come back? Oh, there's two sets of instructions on my bone marrow one.

Starting point is 00:24:02 Are they on yours? No, just the one. There's quick cook instructions and no cook. So you can steep these. So should we do that? That will save us time. We'll have to boil that one, but we can just steep these

Starting point is 00:24:11 from the kettle. Oh, really? Like a pot noodle? So, all right. We're making savings all over the place. We're making it happen here. Now, I'm just going to get

Starting point is 00:24:18 into the test lab. Oh, yeah. You're going to load yourself into the pipe. International cuisine kitchen. How am I going to get in until I just stay here? You have to go up the pipe.

Starting point is 00:24:25 Oh, I could just let you go up the pipe and come back with the... No, I don't go in the pipe. The International Cuisine Kitchen. How am I going to get in until I just stay here? You have to go up the pipe. Oh, I could just let you go up the pipe and come back with the... No, I don't go in the pipe. I go in the front door. Why have you been telling me to go in the pipe? You're not welcome.

Starting point is 00:24:31 Why did you tell me to go in the pipe? Because that's where the poo-poo goes. Well, we couldn't think of an ending to this segment so let's just press the button. Oh, press the fucking button,

Starting point is 00:24:39 Killjoy. We're going to go right now and make these noodles for you. We're going to come back with the hot, hot opinions on these wicked cool snacks, yo. Come get down some. Shh, she's listening.

Starting point is 00:24:50 Shh, don't shh. Oh, powdery horse nozzle. Oh, she's listening. Nozzle nozzle. Don't wake her up. Powders nozzle. Don't wake her up. Oh, stroof.

Starting point is 00:24:57 We're going to make some noodles. Stroof? Don't wake her up. Oh, good eye. I've just spanked in my britches. Temp skin. Right, let's get this going. All right.

Starting point is 00:25:17 Hello, we're back from the Country Urban Noodle Test Lab International Cuisine Kitchen. And we have two piping hot noodles to put in our gobbles right now. Now, one was prepared just by pouring hot water on it, letting it steep. Beef bone one.

Starting point is 00:25:33 That was the beef bone marrow one. But the other one did specify that you did need to cook it. So that's what we did, Paul. And we have done. And that would be the milky chicken. To the specifications upon the pack. Now, some people will be asking,

Starting point is 00:25:44 how many sachets were there, Paul? How many sachets were there, Eli? Well, the beef marrow bulalo one Bulalo had a great I feel quite sick, actually, all of a sudden. Why? Is it the smell of that beef marrow noodle? Maybe a little bit, but let's just get going.

Starting point is 00:26:00 I might not be sick. The beef marrow noodle had three packs. One oil, one soup-based powder, and one dehydrated veg. Classic. Absolute classic line-up. Textbook. The Canton pancit Lucky Me's, the mansi chili ones,

Starting point is 00:26:15 they are pucker. What makes these noodles stand out for me is that oil pack. Right. And they all have an oil. Those ones also have three. What does the oil pack right is that and they all have an oil those ones also have what does the oil pack give they have four those those they are a small noodle but they have four sachets paul the the canton pancit they have check this out they have a soup base obviously powder they have oil great they also have like a sweet soy sauce please stop and they also have a chili

Starting point is 00:26:42 chili powder so it's a four packer but it packs a punch. It's a little noodle that packs a punch. Lucky me, I say when I get one. Lucky me. I've just had a hand shandy. Now I'm going to have a lucky me. Lucky me. I get to wank twice. Lucky me. Is this what happens when I don't interrupt you? Is this what happens? Of course. I'm going to interrupt you now. Get the milky noodle out.

Starting point is 00:26:59 Milky me. We're going to try the milky chicken one. I'll let you test first. Then you can hand it over to me. What's nose scent are you getting? Quite a pleasant sort of chickeny, milky nose. Yeah. I quite like the smell of it when I snuffed it before. Noodles are good. Very tender.

Starting point is 00:27:15 It's very runny. It's not like a thick cream. It's very watery based. Yeah, but it's still, it's got some gloop. It's got a bit of a gloop to it. A little bit of gloop. Ooh. Come on, give it here.

Starting point is 00:27:25 I'm going to have some broth. Have some broth. Ooh. Yeah, you happy with that? Ooh. That's pure comfort food end of noodles. That is the pure comfort food. Here I go.

Starting point is 00:27:34 I'm going to wait for you to... Okay, there's the noodle. Drink a little bit of the broth. He's gone back for more. He's gone back for seconds. There you go. That's nice. That's bloody good.

Starting point is 00:27:43 Nothing special, but you're right. It's very comforty. Extreme, lovely umami gone back for seconds. That's nice. That's bloody good. But you're right, it's very comforty. Extreme, lovely umami. Not that salty. Not overwhelmingly salty. Salty enough, but... But the salt, the taste of salt doesn't correspond to how much salt is in something, as we know.

Starting point is 00:27:56 Because sometimes they say, like, a piece of sliced bread has, like, five grams. It doesn't taste salty at all. No, no, no, I know that. But you're expecting one of these things for it to be quite salty but it's not it's appropriately salty I can taste like chicken stock and milk

Starting point is 00:28:10 and salt and it's fucking good buttery I have to say it's buttery yes that is your new one but it it's accurate

Starting point is 00:28:17 it's buttery here it counts yes because there's a dairy thing very nice there's a little bit of dehydrated oh I should say oh it had two packs, didn't it?

Starting point is 00:28:25 It only had two packs. Some milky powder and some dehydrated veg bits. Yeah. Which I'm going to taste a bit of one of those now. I'm going to try one of those now. Nice bit of crunch. Nice bit of crunch. Oh, a bit of cabbage there.

Starting point is 00:28:33 Is that what it was? Yeah. I thought it was orange. No, that's carrot. There's carrot and cabbage. Coming to you on BBC One this Christmas. That is bloody good, I have to say. Yeah, I'm cabbage and carriage.

Starting point is 00:28:44 Carrot and cabbage. Oh, for fuck's sake. Now, what... Jesus, where am I? I say. Yeah, I'm cabbage and carriage. Carrot and cabbage. Jesus, wet my fucking stupid fucking mouth. I can't say nothing this week. What a load of fucking... Well, don't try and say nothing then. Fucking shit I'm doing. Try and say nothing. What a fucking shit concaster I am. If you can't say nothing, say nothing.

Starting point is 00:28:59 That's what my old... You wake her, but... You know what she used to say to me? What did she used to say? Don't quake, she'll hear. No, but she used to say to me, if you haven't got nothing to say, don't say nothing, yeah. Oh, oh, oh.

Starting point is 00:29:13 She'll hear. Don't quake. Here we go. What did you think of that? Oh, nice. Nothing special. 3.5 out of 5. You don't think it was special?

Starting point is 00:29:21 I think that's above board. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying it's a no-th thrill comfort food exercise which i think is valid now that is a milky broth obviously on that one milky this this um bone broth one uh bone marrow beef bone marrow flavored one which we're going to do now now has a see-through uh broth yes it is just your average brown broth it's a brown broth it's a brown broth. It's a brown broth. And I'm going to taste the noodle.

Starting point is 00:29:47 Oi up! The same girth on the noodle. Shut up! I'm enjoying it. The one bit I enjoy. I don't. Everyone does. Why are you just trying

Starting point is 00:29:54 to get to the end of your life? Yes, and you're getting in the way of that. Hurry up. He sticks it in his gob-hole. Hoovers up the noodle. This is saltier

Starting point is 00:30:02 on the tongue. Shh, don't... She'll hear you. Very pleasing flavour though. It's got a... What is that? It's kind of like an oxo cube kind of thing. Yes, it's a cheap artificial sort of beef stock.

Starting point is 00:30:13 But the taste is better than the nose, isn't it? It's fine. I like the milky one better. I like the milky one better as well. What's going on in the milky one? Definitely. There's definitely a bit of an evolution on that milky one. You get the sort of texture and then it goes... And then you get the chicken on the back of the yeah the milky

Starting point is 00:30:29 me's on me i'm glad you don't feel sick anymore no i probably just needed a bite to eat yeah so very nice thank you alex really enjoyed those i would buy those yeah i buy some milky ones you'd never see them like i say you only see the can Pancit. Yeah. Stop talking about it. It's actually getting to really annoy me for some reason and I don't know why. Weird how it's really

Starting point is 00:30:50 getting on my tits. So I would give that a three. Actually, I'm going to raise the chicken one to four and make that three now that I've got two to compare. Eli's gone back in

Starting point is 00:30:58 for another another muffle of move. What is wrong with my mouth? Muffle of move means nothing. What he meant was a mouth? Muffle of Move means nothing. What he meant was a sip, a taste of the noodle. I literally can't speak this week.

Starting point is 00:31:10 I think I'm mentally burnt out for being such a funny man. You were funny, Paul. Well done. Well done, you. And let's say well done to everyone who took part in Digitizer Live. Right, what else? They were nice. What did you rate them?

Starting point is 00:31:23 I would say 4.5 for the milky. Yeah. I could pimp that. Lovely. It would be lovely with some spring onion. Yeah. Wouldn't that go well with that? Yeah, it would.

Starting point is 00:31:33 That's what I was thinking just now when I said spring onion. Yeah, but I mean, you know, because everyone's fullback pimping ingredient is sweet onion. Yeah. Spring onion. Yeah, you're right. It sounds trite and familiar, but actually it would work a work a treat cool and then what about your beefy bone one beef bone again slightly lower but i think i'd go up as high as 3.75 for that i would add some hot sauce or some spice to that it was a little bit underpowered but it's the mouthfeel on the milk that really it gives

Starting point is 00:31:59 you the extra yeah so maybe we'll try the corn on a patreon pod oh the corn I'm up for that because that's going to be good as well yeah we'll do that on a Patreon one it's a good brand it has to be said it is a good brand lucky me and cheap as houses very cheap

Starting point is 00:32:12 houses aren't cheap your mouth is really not working today my brain's not making connections I know what we can do what right I'll give you a topic

Starting point is 00:32:21 and you do a gag alright go on I'll get my brain working only half an hour in. Let's do it. Hot air balloons. Air balloons. Well, I don't like to say I'm an expert on hot air balloons,

Starting point is 00:32:31 but I talk a lot of hot air about them. Oh, dear. One more go. People say I'm mad about hot air balloons. That's not true. I'm just a basket case. That was better. It's better, isn't it. That was better. It's better.

Starting point is 00:32:45 That was better. Yeah. I say, I say, I say, prices of hot air balloons have gone up. That got me. Right. Give me another joke. I don't have a joke. Topic.

Starting point is 00:32:56 Give me a topic for make a joke. House plants. Oh, well, I've got one for you. Oh, I got some roses the other day. Put them in my window. Whole lot melted. Did it, did it, did it, did it. Because it's chocolate roses, everyone.

Starting point is 00:33:11 The chocolate tin. That was... She'll hear you. That's my catchphrase. I want it now. I want it. That's my catchphrase. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:19 Quiet, she'll hear you. But I bought some roses the other week. I'm sure there must have been some... I don't know, but that sounds too good to not have been used. I was just about to say, I'm sure there were some music hall people who were like... Maybe, but I like it. They always do that thing. No, that's kind of a mode, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:33:34 It's a mode of... It's a spiritorial to get you on time. It's a spiritorial. It's to say, like, coming on the joke with me. Yes, which they did. That was a mode that people... You know who did it best? Who?

Starting point is 00:33:42 Jimmy Cricket. Come here, there's more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come here, there's more. Yeah, yeah. Come here. Come into my confidence. Quiet. Shall we? Shall we?

Starting point is 00:33:48 Yeah. So it must have been done before. Maybe, but I like it. We've now claimed it and we'll be running that into the ground over the course of the next few episodes.

Starting point is 00:33:55 I might just drink a big gob of this milky broth. Well, I hope you do and while he's slurping down the milky, milky milk, I will say goodbye for now and put a sound effect in at this point and you'll join us after for a vinyl platter segment.

Starting point is 00:34:10 That's some good gravy. It's that time of the show where we go and delve into Eli's dusty box and pull out a seven inch or two. Isn't that right, Mr. Silverman? Ooh, dusty, almost powdery in that box. Powdery, dusty box. If you put some lacquer on top of the powder, you'd have nibbly-nibbly bits of powder.

Starting point is 00:34:31 Right straight into the bullshit then. Straight in. Hardened powder. A sheen of hardened powder. Frozen in time. No! God, I hate you so much sometimes. Oh, it's just annoying.

Starting point is 00:34:43 Come on, it's great. Yes, it's Silverman's platters, Paul. But these aren't platters that come from me. I have birthed them this week. You've birthed a platter and we were sent one, right? No, this is one you wanted to do, one of them. But one of them came with the noodles, didn't they? From Alex.

Starting point is 00:34:57 No, I think I... Did it? No, I think... You sent the Doctor Who... No, that's a different thing. That's... Karen sent those records. And these children's records.

Starting point is 00:35:05 Yeah, we're not doing any of them today. The March of the Siamese Children. Yeah, we're not definitely doing that one, Eli. But this, interestingly, that one has the entry of the gladiators. Which is that one. The circus music. I thought it was called Enter the Gladiators. This is the entry of the gladiators.

Starting point is 00:35:22 So maybe it's a different song, which is about the bumholes of the gladiators this is the entry of the gladiators so maybe it's a different song which is about the uh the bum holes of the gladiators so you think it's a song on a kid's a kid's single about anal sex yes well the gladiators were at it weren't they yes they were they they'd get bored they would definitely consider that i'm gonna get fucking eaten by a lion fancy a bumming yes why not why not why not put that on my bucket list? And they threw hot oil on them. That would be good for lube. No, it wouldn't. I don't like this conversation. Oh, I want to get the entry, the gladiators.

Starting point is 00:35:51 We're not tackling those records this time, all right? For various now obvious reasons, we're going to circumvent that. Then we also have the lightning tree themed from Folly Foot. Do you know what Folly Foot is, Paul? I know of Folly Foot. It was a kid's show about a horse. Was it?

Starting point is 00:36:07 It was about a horse. It's a bit like Black Beauty. Because it gets a bit spongy underfoot, doesn't it? Spongy. No, it's just called Folly Foot. It gets all mossy. Mossy underfoot.

Starting point is 00:36:15 It's the 70s. Squelchy, mossy underfoot. Shut up. The first song we are doing today. Powder spray? We weren't going to do three today,

Starting point is 00:36:22 but then we listened to one called Swing Your Sporan John Berry and the Merrymakers and effectively it is an unlistable fake bagpipe jive bunny

Starting point is 00:36:33 master mix kind of medley it's a medley record but it is bagpipes it's real bagpipes I think it was fake I think it was fake I think it was like

Starting point is 00:36:39 I don't think it was either way it was unlistenable and even your record player rejected it it was severely warped and even your record player rejected it it was severely warped and my my tone arm is quite sensitive uh to an up and down a warpage in the vertical axis yes um which this record does one like that a techniques proper 1210 could really deal with

Starting point is 00:36:59 that really well yeah what you get problems with is is when the warpage is in the horizontal axis. Right. Then you get wow and flutter. Okay. But up and down... You just lose... It doesn't... Lose its grip.

Starting point is 00:37:12 It can lose its grip. Yeah. Also, you know what else can throw a needle out of the groove? What? Bass. Oh, too much of it will rattle it out. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:19 Isn't that why they put spongy on the bottom sometimes to soften it? On the legs, they put spongy on the bottom. No, that's a different issue you're talking about. Come with me to old spongy on the bottom sometimes to soften it. On the legs, they put spongy on the bottom. No, that's a different issue you're talking about. Come with me to old spongy on the bottom. It's a nice little village.

Starting point is 00:37:30 Folly foot is soft on the foot. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. If you bring folly foot to spongy on the bottom, we'll make sure they go to the old gravel yard. Oh, the bramble yard. The bramble yard, where they'll be tickled and tackled until they... I've got done you now.

Starting point is 00:37:42 Now, Paul. So we're not doing this anyway because it was unlistenable. What were we talking about? Not that. We're moving on. We're going to talk about this first record. Warpage.

Starting point is 00:37:51 We're going to talk about... Do you know there was a... We're going to move on. Do you know there was a very... Like your sense of humour, it was too warped to enjoy. Hardcore stroke jungle tune called The Bag...

Starting point is 00:38:02 It was known as The Bagpipe One. Is this one you're making up now no okay but it had a sort of bagpipe sample right

Starting point is 00:38:08 they start droning and then it came in fucking hard fucking hard jungle beat came in we're not talking about this droning

Starting point is 00:38:17 it was droning look out for that everybody I will fucking smash your face in. What has he chosen now to talk about to try and fucking own me? He can't, though, because I talk about the powders.

Starting point is 00:38:32 I talk about the scrunch. I talk about stuff so good. I do talk about stuff so good, though, Paul. Don't you know you talk about stuff so good? Don't you know you talk about stuff so good? Don't you know you talk about stuff so good? So we ended up with two platters today. One is an LP and one is a single. And the single is called Arthur Daly's, well, Arthur Daly is alright by the firm.

Starting point is 00:38:56 And when I heard this, I was like, oh, I've never heard this before. But apparently it was quite popular back in the day. And I'm just a fucking idiot for not knowing it. It was a big hit. And you see it in charity shops a lot often without the cover so i was pleased to pick up this copy which you can see has a nice intact photograph of the man himself arthur daly yeah and so basically it is a chas and dave uh i'm not gonna say spoof homage it's it's it's not like it's taking the piss out of chas and dave it's just using that Chaz and Dave familiar sound.

Starting point is 00:39:27 The Rockne sound. The Rockne sound, yes. And should we just play it right now and then have a little chinwag? Let's have a little chinwag after you play the clip. Beryl, could you put the record on for us? Thank you, Errol. Beryl.

Starting point is 00:39:43 Thank you, Beryl and Errol. I don't even know what that means. It's horrible. To see and hear. Anyway, Beryl, you can put the record on. Stop it. Thank you. Propping up the bar at the Winchester Club A VAT on the slate please Dave And Terry's still looking for a sub Half of a zonk to a nice little earner

Starting point is 00:40:30 Terry's getting ag in the charts of an earner Minding the disco down some boozer Giving him a slap but he's on to a loser Pound to a penny that he don't get paid On account of the recession in the used car motor trade Alright my son, leave it out As it happens it's straight up In a right to an eight So there you go A little bit of this A little bit of that

Starting point is 00:41:01 What a way Pretty good Yeah But you said to me When you found it it's definitely not the firm who did star trekking and yes so different in style and yet it totally is it's the exact same the firm that did star trekking a few years later so this was a hit but the firm was a huge hit and uh no star trekking was star trekking beg your pardon was a huge hit why because

Starting point is 00:41:23 star trekking was more known you know it was a huge hit. Why? Because Star Trek was more known? You know what? Mind, it was a popular TV show. Of the time. But it was kind of a bit culty, wasn't it? No, it was a huge success. This came out in 82, and I think Star Trek was like 87? Yes.

Starting point is 00:41:39 And so it's five years. So effectively, let's break this down. The Firm is a musical beast created by a guy who's a session musician called John O'Connor. John O'Connor. And him and a guy called Graham Lister, and not the Graham Lister from Vic and Bob, well, Vic reads Big Night Out.

Starting point is 00:41:56 Lister isn't on this. No, he is. Oh, is he? He's a co-writer, producer. Oh, really? So he was on both of them? Yeah. So they got together, and for whatever reason, it's kind of vague

Starting point is 00:42:05 in the Wikipedia and that online article that I wrote, they just go, oh we decided to write a song about Arthur Daly. Just to be clear, you didn't write that online article. What did I say? You said that online article that I wrote. No, that I read was the word. Yes, sorry. My poor mum. No, I'm glad.

Starting point is 00:42:21 I'm glad you pointed it out. I'm happy you pointed it out. I'm really you pointed it out. Sorry. I'm really pleased you did that. We don't have to brush through this. No, thank you, Eli. It's fine. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 00:42:31 I appreciate that. No, I do that for you so you don't sound stupid. You do that for me and I couldn't ask for a better... So that you don't sound like you're hurrying... Better friend.

Starting point is 00:42:38 You're hurrying the words out of your mouth like a nightclub bouncer at 3am. Anyway, we'll see you next week on I've Given Up. So, him and Lister make this record.

Starting point is 00:42:51 And they did it as a Chas and Dave homage. To Minder. Because I guess that kind of works, right? Because Minder as a show, as we've talked about on the show before,

Starting point is 00:43:01 was about a dodgy second-hand car dealerman who also gets involved with other dodgy things and he has a minder a spiv would be the word it's kind of like

Starting point is 00:43:09 a gangster-ish take on Only Fools and Horses it is a fantastic combination of crime and comedy and light drama

Starting point is 00:43:18 and light drama yeah I love but isn't it it's just chef's kiss it's so perfectly balanced

Starting point is 00:43:23 some of those scripts are so perfectly formed. Towards the end. Well, I think as soon as you lose Waterman as the minder, then it's gone. It's gone already. So those, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:43:35 It's never the same. It's the magic of those two actors. And it just, I love Minder, I have to say. Yeah. I like it, but I haven't watched it in a while, to be fair. And now this was a hit, but I think Minder was, it's a very peculiarly British. Number seven in the UK, I think this was. It's a very peculiarly sort of British and even sort of South, dare I say, London thing, isn't it, Minder?

Starting point is 00:43:55 Yeah. So Star Trekking has a much wider appeal. Well, forgetting about that for the time being, the reason why I think this kind of works is because it has rock knee connotations east end knees at mother brown the old cockney sound rhythm yeah it's got all that vibe but it kind of works with the with the look and vibe of the show itself which is a bit wiggler dealer absolutely cushy cushy it's got the lyrics on the right all right my son say no more leave it out no bother as it happens it's your shout straight up pull the other in a right two and eight hang about who's the damage chief? Here, who's your mate?

Starting point is 00:44:26 The geezer with the bunny in the chill bee hat reckoned he's legit, but he's not all that. Off daily's a little dodgy, maybe, but underneath, he's all right. I like those lyrics a lot. I think they're very well written. This is what I was saying to you. You know, years ago, we did Steve Wright's Chaz and Dave piss take, which I think is actually called He's All Right as well, weirdly. Is it?

Starting point is 00:44:42 Yeah, I think it was called, I think it was the same thing. But that's a piss take. Well, this is not, I don't think called He's Alright as well weirdly is it? yeah I think it was called I think it was the same thing but that's a piss take where this is I don't think well that's the thing it's a piss take his one which I think is kind of condescending

Starting point is 00:44:50 and like sneery almost in its tone yes whereas this is just like well imagine if Chaz and Dave did a song about Mindy it would sound like this well you could almost say

Starting point is 00:44:58 it was just a person who was from London writing a novelty song about a TV show in the same sort of genre as Chaz and Dave. Yeah. Although that is very much their sound, though.

Starting point is 00:45:08 It's rock knee, but that's what I mean. They kind of pioneered the rock knee sound, which is related to sort of pub rock that was going on earlier in the 70s, isn't it? And I just think also the other clue, because we listened to some more of John O'Connor's stuff, and he had that one, The Grand National. Well, this is the interesting thing, isn't it? And he sings both of these, and he's obviously got a very Cockney kind of accent. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:31 So it works, you know. It doesn't feel forced or pastiche or sneery, this at all. The interesting thing about it was when we were doing the research and skimming through it, it was like, oh, he's John O'Connor. He set up his own studio called Bark Records. He released these through Stiff. They were minor successes. He releases that.

Starting point is 00:45:46 It does reasonably well. He releases The National, whatever that song was called, about The Grand National. About The Grand National. Which is very much in the Rockne form. Very Chaz and Davey again. Very, very.

Starting point is 00:45:57 Even almost more so. Yeah. Didn't chart, but not awful in and of itself as a track. We listened to it. And then you get to Star Trekking, and that just reeks of ephemeral novelty nonsense. It's one of those songs that would always be played

Starting point is 00:46:14 at a school disco or a birthday party in a local rec building or whatever. I recall it being a sensation on the schoolyard. Yeah. The week after they showed it on Top of the Pops, it was literally all the kids loved it. I recall it being a sensation on the schoolyard. Yeah. And you got the... The week after they showed it on Top of the Pops, it was literally all the kids loved it. You did it.

Starting point is 00:46:31 I know it. There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow. There's Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, yeah. And this is Mr. Spock. Star Trekking across the universe On the Star Trek Enterprise On your Captain Kirk Star Trekking across the universe

Starting point is 00:47:10 Totally going forward Still can't find reverse Because it has got that children nursery rhyme vibe to it. But it's also an early example of something referring to something that was on tv you didn't get that cross-pollination of a pop record not in the same way no it was just sort of getting getting going there that thing and the 80s was very much like robert de niro's talking by bananarama is another example yeah except you know what it's robert de niro's waiting i know you wanted to say talking i thought it was talking no it's robert de niiro's waiting. I know you wanted to say talking. I thought it was talking. No, it's Robert De Niro's waiting,

Starting point is 00:47:46 talking Italian. So do you see why I thought it was talking? I just wanted to correct you, mate. That's all I'm saying. No, please, thank you. I care about you very, very much. Paul. And I want to make sure we get the information out correctly.

Starting point is 00:47:56 No, thank you. No, thank you. Can I thank you? No, thank me. Really? I'm so glad you're here to correct me. I'm glad I was here to hold you when you fall and you stumble.

Starting point is 00:48:05 If you stumble, I will be there. If you fall, I will be there. But anyway, Star Trek is very different as a song. It's very, it's of that late 80s sound. It's very synth. It's very party poppy kind of thing. And it's also a big thing where, that was also around in the modern novelty at the time,

Starting point is 00:48:22 of people from Britain doing American accents as a comic sort of turn. And you're right. It's basically all the quote-unquote catchphrases from Star Trek, which I don't think they ever really ever said. But it's repetitive. And it's like 99 bottles of beer on the wall,

Starting point is 00:48:35 but about Star Trek effectively, isn't it? And we also listened to, because he did, the firm, did release a best of, didn't they? Well, they released a whole album. Wasn't it a best of? No, because these were only three songs they released. Star Trek in that Arthur Daly one and the national one.

Starting point is 00:48:51 The album was just a whimsical thing that they decided to do. But they had a lead track, which was Superheroes. Which we have heard. Shall I put that in very briefly now? Superheroes, here we come. If I don't wear gold, they come down. for you now. Oh, we're super costy. Some of us have x-ray eyes. They've got fantastic... But there's even one that flies. I am dressing the telephone.

Starting point is 00:49:31 We've got a secret identity. But these guys don't drink, don't even smoke, or go to the laboratory. Superman, Spider-Man, Super-Tex, Super-Glide, Batman, Superman, Superman, Superman. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Superhero, Super-Ice, and Johnny. Which I also kind of like and think is better than Star Trekking. But it's very much in the similar mode to Star Trekking. Aphrodite, he's all right. And that Grand National tune seemed like to be in the similar mode. And those other, and you know, the Star Trekking and the superhero song.

Starting point is 00:50:17 Yeah. That cold American sort of. And then a weird sped up chip monkey song about girls doing it for themselves. And then a weird monster rap one which the roar i'm not even going to try and put the recording on because it sounded like it was recorded over tinny speakers it doesn't have a 1976 microphone into a cassette deck it does not sound good and then he moved obviously to uh california and he put out a bunch of in terrible world music record pan pipe just think pan pipe Piped music in a shopping centre, panpipe style.

Starting point is 00:50:47 Think. Played on a keyboard. Prog rock cut-offs. No, it's not even... No, no, no. It is. No, you're doing a disservice. It's much more Muzak-y.

Starting point is 00:50:56 Anyway, we didn't like it. It's not even dance music. It's sort of like... Mellow mood music, isn't it? One of the albums was called Future Primitive. On Alter Eco. He's Eco.'s Eco it was Eco was the name

Starting point is 00:51:07 but far as we know the last we could find online about him was that he ended up being involved in the cartoon series King of the Hill he did all the music

Starting point is 00:51:14 for King of the Hill and the theme he was part of the theme and I do think after Daily he's alright it's a pretty good record I think it's alright

Starting point is 00:51:21 as novelty records go but did you know did you know that is not the only novelty record about Minder that came out. No. I know. I think there was another one. There was another one, but I can't remember it. It's going to really annoy me because when I'm editing this,

Starting point is 00:51:33 I'll probably remember. Err Indoors. Yes, that's it. But that's sung by Arthur Daly. That's actually, he does it himself. George Cole. Yeah. And Dennis Waterman are in it.

Starting point is 00:51:43 And Dennis Waterman. So, oh, a little spoiler warning. Dennis Waterman so uh oh little spoiler warning Dennis Waterman's coming up it's a minder special this week on Tee Show

Starting point is 00:51:49 and I just figured out now and singing in an American accent yes and it's awful as well no that's not awful

Starting point is 00:51:55 this is good no but here indoors one is yeah this is much better than that yeah is it a platter Mr Silverman

Starting point is 00:52:01 or a splatter for me and uh just to remind everyone this is a binary segment where we just come down one side of the line Is it a platter, Mr. Silverman, or a splatter? For me, and just to remind everyone, this is a binary segment where we just come down one side of the line. Yeah, no subtlety. It led to the further enchitification of other segments.

Starting point is 00:52:14 The ongoing enchitification. A platter means it's a good record, we like it, and a splatter means we would spunk on it. Reject it. Or do a little poo-poo. No, we wouldn't do that. Or have loads of laxatives, just squunk on it. Reject it. Or do a little poo-poo. No, we wouldn't do that. Or have loads of laxatives. Just squirt on it all day.

Starting point is 00:52:29 Go in the squirting room. Well, I'm going to go ahead and say, shut up. And then I'm going to go ahead and say, I call that a platter. I like that. I would say platter as well, Paul. And it made me reconsider The Firm in some respects.

Starting point is 00:52:43 And it makes me want to try and find that album in the wild. Oh, I'd love to. What's it called? Serious Fun. By The Firm. The Firm. And if it comes up and we get our copy of it somehow,

Starting point is 00:52:52 we'll be bringing that back to the show. Some of the most notable novelty music of that era, I think we can say, The Firm. Right. On to the next.

Starting point is 00:53:01 Platter. Ooh. No, you didn't have to reply to that, mate. Not necessary. I could have just ended it there. You didn't have to reply to that, mate, not necessary I could have just ended it there You didn't have to do a stupid monkey sound, did you? I won't do a monkey sound then

Starting point is 00:53:11 Just give me another topic, I'll do a gag to get out of this I'll give you a topic What about loose change? Loose change Keep it down Come over here I'm coming Keep it down, she's on the nod.

Starting point is 00:53:27 She's listening. I go into the shop the other day. You shouldn't have done this. I go into the shop the other day. I'm buying a magazine. The guy behind the counter, he goes, oh, that'll be two pounds, please. And I go, oh, I think I've got a tenner in it.

Starting point is 00:53:40 I reach into my pocket. Fucking no pocket. Straight on knob. Oh, no. Oh, that was awful. That was so shit and awful. Wow. Just press the button.

Starting point is 00:53:57 I'm going to press the button, mate. You should be fucking ashamed. I am. I am. Just every week. We're going from 7 inches to 12 now as we reveal our next platter for discussion. And it is called

Starting point is 00:54:14 Lollipops and Fish Fingers Fun Songs for the NSPCC, sung by your favourite stars. The label is MFP which is what? Music for Pleasure. And what do they specialise in? Do you ever see those things in charity shops,

Starting point is 00:54:29 the World of Tony Bennett, the World of series? Yeah. That's MFP. So they were very much... Compilations and things. Very much a budget label. Because all those tracks would be like their lesser-known hits from their early years, wouldn't they?

Starting point is 00:54:41 From the 60s. They'd licence cheap stuff. So I've got the world of David Bowie in the in the other world it's all these weird stuff that's very much closer to anthony newly yes i guess that is true it's all basically like uncle tipping's in the garden he's got a packed lunch his mama's done it all the kiddies come around his garden and they look through the railing saturday night What do the bubble men say? What do they say on a grainy day? They say,

Starting point is 00:55:08 Stop ruining my songs! You had your fucking chance to do a song and you ruined it. And here was me going to do a nice song about the bubble men. You fucking stupid, gormless, attention-seeking prick. Get off my patch. Get off my patch. Right. Get off it.

Starting point is 00:55:23 The bubble men, can I just say, now that we've had a break here from that, bobble men wasn't working. I don't care. No, no, no. You didn't let it breathe. Just try again. I'm happy to give you the room to do it. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:55:32 Just try again without the, not bobble men. Okay. What do the goggle men say on a lovely, lovely, lovely day? What do the goggle men say on a windy or rainy day? They say, g-g-g-goggle, goggle, g-g-g-gog, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, prong, not wrong. I'm a wrong prong, you're wrong. How about that? You're a wrong prong.

Starting point is 00:56:05 Right. This is lollipops and fish fingers. Both of which you could stuff up your arse. Thank you. You could though. Both of those things. You could. So what it...

Starting point is 00:56:13 You wouldn't want the fish fingers to melt. I did some research on this and there's not much to go on. The most I could find is actually on the back of the record itself. So let me just read this out. Okay. So it says,

Starting point is 00:56:24 I would like to thank the following people for their hard work in making this record possible to kenny clayton for his arrangements of my music and lyrics to engineers peter tony blah blah blah at radio luxembourg studios oh radio luxembourg how funny yeah so they've been involved in helping produce this which is you know great uh to a couple of people for their legal services to the choir to uh some of these other people for support and last but not least to all the artists who threw themselves wholeheartedly into this project and gave their services so all the profits from this record could go directly to the nspcc then it says the national society of the prevention of cruelty to children which is what that stands for enters its second century determined to save

Starting point is 00:57:05 children everywhere for unnecessary suffering it depends entirely on voluntary donations so i would like to thank you for buying this record because more money means more help for more children bridget harrison producer so she's uh written the theme tune wrote the lyrics she wrote the whole record yeah but you couldn't find anything about her. There were so many Bridget Harrisons, and most of them were like journalists or school teachers and stuff, so there wasn't much to go on. To me, it feels that she was someone working in media. Or possibly journalism, but someone who had access to these stars.

Starting point is 00:57:39 But also, there's a very good chance that maybe she was like a grassroots musician-y kind of people who approached the NSPCC and said, I could could do this and i have connections to get this and maybe with the nsps yes but it seems like because they all it's explicit there that they all did it as a favor they're not as a favor they did it for the charity yeah it seems like you'd have to have some kind of access to them or um 1984 this came out. So weirdly, even though the songs themselves evoke this kind of 70s vibe with the kind of folksiness of them, some of the tracks. They're like children's TV music.

Starting point is 00:58:13 Yeah. Yeah. The 80s of it does come through in moments. So there are 20, 21. Yeah, there's 21 tracks on this. And they're all real short, real odd. Well, that's whatfp obviously did a lot of compilations where you you'd fit a lot of tracks on both sides didn't they and also little

Starting point is 00:58:32 tip for all vinyl lovers out there be wary of compilations or records that have a lot of tracks on each side of the lp because it just means the groove is smaller and you'll get more tinny and less yeah a less full sort of sound quality. It's just the weird thing about this is Bridget Harrison fancies herself as a bit of a poet for kids, a poet laureate for kids. But all these songs are just odd. They're all from like a child's perspective or about a child having some kind of specific adventure. And I just want to read the lyrics to this one out. Because once I, which one is this? I'll just read it to you it's called the story of my first sadness and so it's like we

Starting point is 00:59:10 found a baby rabbit oh god it lost its mother we wrapped him up in cotton wool to make a warming cover his eyes were closed and had no fur which explains he was newly born we knew if he was out all night he would have died by dawn oh god My mother told me he might not live, but we did everything we could. We used an eyedrop for his bottle and the rabbit understood. Every three hours, we gave him cream as rabbits like rich milk. And I would give a gentle cuddle as his skin was just like silk. We kept him in the air and covered as I secretly began to feel that he would live forever and ever and have lettuce every meal.

Starting point is 00:59:45 But suddenly, one morning, we found that he had died. It was very hard for me to believe. I cried. Oh, how I cried. My mummy said he didn't suffer and he had gone to live with God. She said he'd find his mother and friends there in the land of Nod. And now I'm happy

Starting point is 01:00:02 for him as he wasn't very strong. I know he's in with his woodland friends where he really does belong now sad isn't it i want to ask why it was put to a faux pop reggae beat that had the faux reggae so it's like a bum biggie bum biggie bum bum bum it's like it doesn't correlate on that as well that one um so paul do you think the kid heard that and went ma'am does god live in the land of Nod so do I go to God's house

Starting point is 01:00:26 when I'm asleep land of Nod is where you go when you're asleep it's not heaven that would frighten me if I knew every time I went to sleep

Starting point is 01:00:33 I was going to visit God I know it would be scary wouldn't it I wouldn't like it you wouldn't touch yourself before you fell off and we're back

Starting point is 01:00:38 to talking shit again Paul that is it's almost like a horror story in the airing cupboard can you imagine and it dies in there that's a very specific memory this hairless rabbit like rotting in the air

Starting point is 01:00:51 this is how long did it take before they discovered it had gone it probably rotted and it's like no that hairless it wouldn't be like oh no it's been six months we forgot about the rabbit smells that smell my towel smell of fucking dead rabbit fucking chiggers you know what i mean but um it's nasty it's like i can smell that fucking hairless rabbit in that song it's a weird but it sounds like rich milk all the cream dripping down the rabbit's mouth i'm just gonna say it sounds like these are very specific memories to bridget it feels like this is her story but she's trying to to do something good for a kid where they learn about loss and that God...

Starting point is 01:01:27 And for the record, that one was sung by Felicity Kendall. Here are the celebrities who are singing on this album. For children. For children. Now, it's an interesting mix. You start with people like Gemma Craven, an actress, or Lulu, or Petulia Clark. Petula.

Starting point is 01:01:42 Petula Clark or Felicity Kendall. Oh, fair enough. Lovely voices. Judi Dench. And then Clark or Felicity Kendall and you think, oh, fair enough. Lovely voices. Judi Dench. And then you get Judi Dench and Gareth Hunt, actors at the time, well, people knew them

Starting point is 01:01:51 very well. How do they know Gareth Hunt? What was he best known for? Well, at the time, probably the New Avengers, right? Oh, yes, but what's he known for now? Having a wank.

Starting point is 01:01:58 I mean, the coffee man, but you know, he lives with the wank wank signal. He was the Nescafe having an affair. Yeah, wank wank. And then you've got, you know got Sir Harry Seacombe. Oh, I'm Harry Seacombe.

Starting point is 01:02:10 From the Goons and Songs of Praise, which used to kill me when that came on on Sundays. George Melly. George Melly's on here, a jazz singer, British jazz singer. He was also a sort of socialite, a sort of a Soho character. A raconteur.

Starting point is 01:02:24 A raconteur, I guess. And then you've got Rolf Harris, which obviously now you think, oh, what a cunt. But at the time, it makes sense for Rolf Harris to be on this, right?

Starting point is 01:02:33 He's probably the biggest with children there. So to speak. So to speak. And then finally, our favourite, Dennis Waterman's on this. Dennis fucking Waterman!

Starting point is 01:02:40 And to give you a sample of this album, I've chosen the Dennis Waterman track called Lollipops, which I think is fucking demented. in Waterman. And to give you a sample of this album, I've chosen the Dennis Waterman track called Lollipops, which I think is fucking demented.

Starting point is 01:02:48 And it sounds like this. ¶¶ It has exciting lollipops Once a week he saves to pee Is there just one left for me? Oh, lollipops, oh, lollipops Oh, how he loves that corner shop Jamie licks his lollipop A green one from the corner shop Jamie licks his lollipop A green one from the corner shop

Starting point is 01:03:56 What a lovely tangy taste The green is sme mirror across his face Oh, tangy-flavoured lollipops Oh, he loves that corner shop I tell you, Jamie don't never go nowhere for his lollipops Except at one corner shop I like to think Dennis Waterman was pissed off his tits when he recorded that. I think there's a non-zero probability that he was, Paul.

Starting point is 01:04:35 I mean, come on, Dennis. Do you want to sing this song for a girl? Do it like Elvis. No, it's fine. You're going to do it like Alvin Stardust or something. He does. He's doing it a very bad American accent. And then it kind of, like, he gives up halfway through.

Starting point is 01:04:48 Sort of gives up. He just trails off. He's like, I like lollipops. Then at the end it's like, I fucking lollipop. Oh, he likes a lollipop. Tangy lollipop on his tongue. Smeared green tongue. And he sings one on the other side,

Starting point is 01:05:01 but he does that in a cod, Noel Coward voice. Yes, about watching television, dear boy. Watching television. Neither of those accents that he does there, Paul, convince me. You know? They're not very well done. No, but is it good that he's making the effort? I'm not saying he was a bad actor, but I think there was a lot of Terry in

Starting point is 01:05:20 Dennis, do you know? Yes. That's why it was a perfect role for him. But, I think he's trying to make an effort I think he thinks Oh I'm going to make an effort I'm going to put a character in so I'm going to make it nice and fun

Starting point is 01:05:29 I'm going to exaggerate it in some way But it just comes across like he doesn't give a fuck Yeah I think he isn't comfortable singing in his own voice because he's much more

Starting point is 01:05:38 used to being an actor and sort of standing behind something Yeah He wanted to you know maybe he couldn't put his identity on these songs, maybe.

Starting point is 01:05:45 Yeah. Whatever that is. It's definitely bad. But some of the other people just go, have a much more sort of joyful approach and a more sort of honest take. Don't you think? Nearly all the women who sing on this

Starting point is 01:05:55 sing it like from the perspective of a small child, like a small girl going, ooh, and they kind of affect that child-like wonder in their voice. Apart from the whole Dead Rabbit song. I don't quite understand that. God, that's awful, that Dead Rabbit song. 2P for a lollipop as well. Remember those days. Paul, honourable mention before we go

Starting point is 01:06:14 we listen to a bit of the song that I selected. The Gareth Hunt one. His solo one about going to the church. Yeah. Now, I'm just going to read these lyrics out because at the beginning you think, oh, it's a funny story these lyrics out because at the beginning you think, oh, it's a funny story about a naive child. And then you go, yeah, but is he also like an idiot?

Starting point is 01:06:32 It's called God's House. The first time on a Sunday going to church, my mummy said the house belonged to God. When I arrived, I thought this was very odd as God was in his nightshirt dressed for bed. Is his mum fucking the vicar? Is that what's going on here? I think that's what's going on. I think the idea is

Starting point is 01:06:47 the kid thinks, well, if it's God's house, why is it not like a proper house and who's this man? That's what I think the song's about. However, it feels like

Starting point is 01:06:54 his mother's taken him to some flat and said, stay in the living room while I go and speak to God in the room next door. And the night goes, no, hang on.

Starting point is 01:07:02 Show us your fanny. Show us your fanny show us your fanny for a rattle oh no that's kind of turned me on no Paul Paul

Starting point is 01:07:11 yeah it just occurred to me when you were reading that out because it mystified me about the dress for bed it says as God

Starting point is 01:07:17 was in his nightshirt dressed for bed isn't that a child having seen vestments the priest's clothing for the first time and thought,

Starting point is 01:07:25 oh, he's in a nightgown. Yeah, I didn't realise that. No, not at first. No, right. It seems a bit of a non sequitur. That's what it is. So it's along with the whole thing. He's been taken to church and he thinks this isn't like a normal house with a shitter. Yeah, because my mum would say, you know, it belonged to God. And then the song goes on to say,

Starting point is 01:07:42 where was his bathroom, his kitchen, the bedroom? Where was his bathroom his kitchen the bedroom where was his telly his books and clothing and then i realized my mistake it wasn't god but his workmate but then it's like well it's still not god's house yeah it's still it's his workmate's house i know what it's somebody who works in the house of god isn't it oh no don't please don't break i'll ask him yeah What's the matter? What's the matter? What are you waking me up for?

Starting point is 01:08:08 Fucking God can't even get to fucking minutes fucking peace fucking lowest shit this. God could you hang on there? Yeah go on mate

Starting point is 01:08:16 what's the matter? The devil The devil in this box. No one at a time. One at a time. No he wants to talk to you. No. We've got to get this question done.

Starting point is 01:08:24 Just put the devil away or do the devil in a separate section. Well you he wants to talk to you. No. We've got to get this question done. Just put the devil away. We'll do the devil in a separate section. Well, you started with that. Stop. You're ruining my song and now you're ruining my God thing. Shut up. Shut your mouth. Alright, go on. Yeah, mate. Ask him about the song, what it means. What does that song mean? The Gareth Hunt one about the God's work, mate?

Starting point is 01:08:40 Which one? Say again, mate. It's on lollipops and fish fingers. Oh, lollipops and fish fingers. Yeah, I know You know, you're aware of that. Yeah, I've got a copy here. You fucking, what? In your glass box, you have a copy. Yeah, I've got it. What are you telling me?

Starting point is 01:08:51 Calling me a liar, are you? Calling God a liar? I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Anyway, yeah. So, no, the song's basically about, you know, it's about a little kid thinking their house has got mod cons and it's just a church. I don't know what the voice is doing.

Starting point is 01:09:09 Oh, my God, what an insight. Well, look, mate, you shouldn't have asked me. I thought the song's pretty self-explanatory, isn't it? Why don't you put the lid back on and I can get a bit of sleep? Paul, put the lid back on him. All right, I'll put them away. Hey, the devil, everybody. I'm in the box.

Starting point is 01:09:26 What do you want? What do you want from me? Right, so that's the end of that segment. We're going to go to the next track now. I opened your box because Paul's got a question for you, the devil. Ah, what's he got? He's a smell, smell, Mr. Paul. What does he say?

Starting point is 01:09:38 What does he want to say? Hey, hey, I see you. I see you at the top of the box. He was a northern comic before. No, he wasn't. And now he's Mariotti, is he? I'm the devil. I just say what I would like. I talk how at the top of the box. He's gone where he was a northern comic before. No, I'm not. And now he's Mariotti, is he? I'm the devil. I just say what I would like.

Starting point is 01:09:48 I talk how I like. That's true. You could lie. You could lie. I'm a liar. I lie. So I've got a question for you, devil. Okay, yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:54 I see you at the top of the box. What's your favourite song off that Lollipops and Fish Fingers album? Oh, the Lollipops and Fish Fingers. I'll tell you what my favourite song is. Yeah, go on. I'll tell you what it is. I'll tell you what it is. Yeah, I hope this accent isn't troubling.

Starting point is 01:10:05 It's like Felicity Kendall. Yeah. She got one on that. No, don't open the... Yeah, it's Felicity Kendall on that. I'd be interested to know myself, actually. Right, Paul, should we have a truce on these fucking deities in a box things? Okay? Yes. God, that didn't work for me, what you were doing. Anyway...

Starting point is 01:10:21 What you didn't do worked for me, either. What I didn't do worked for you. What you don't do or don't do don't work for me, never. What you do do or don't do, don't do nothing for me. what you were doing. Anyway. What you didn't do worked for me either. What I didn't do worked for you. What you don't do or don't do don't work for me never. What you do do or don't do, don't do nothing for me. What's the song you want to play? A do do do, a da da da is all I want to say to you. Right. Felicity Kendall, Fairies Are Real

Starting point is 01:10:37 is it called? Yes it is. I'm going to play it from the middle so we can hear some of that action. I just love the instrumental break on this. Alright. Here it is. Here we go. Enjoy a bit of Felicity Kendall and a little bit of... A Moog and flute. ...Children Believe in Fairies. My big sister showed me a fairy on the lawn

Starting point is 01:11:22 Her dress was fluffy and feathery. It looked a little torn. I know she was a good fairy, although she didn't speak. She was feathery, not hairy, and had nothing on her feet. When I told my mother, she said, it's just a feather, but I know quite the other a feather oh no never love the flute on that has a real

Starting point is 01:11:48 children's TV of the 70s vibe it has a very basic moog but it's and the moog plays with the flute there

Starting point is 01:11:54 yeah do you know moog and flute little bit of moog flute moog and flute you know what do they call it

Starting point is 01:12:00 when you play fiddle against the devil ding ding ding don't reach for the fucking box I saw you do it I'm not against the devil? Don't reach for the fucking box. I saw you do it. I'm not asking the devil that. He doesn't need to know.

Starting point is 01:12:09 You know, a battle versus it's almost like they're dueling. Yeah, dueling. It's almost like a duel. It's almost like a flute-moog duel. A flute-moog duel? It's easy for you to say. It's possibly not. What do you think of that?

Starting point is 01:12:22 It doesn't work for me, but that's a personal taste thing rather than an actual quality Felicity Kendall also has a very nice very distinctive voice very recognisable voice don't you think yeah

Starting point is 01:12:31 again it's one of those songs where they affect the child's voice in it and it's a weird song so it's basically about a girl who finds a feather and her sister goes

Starting point is 01:12:39 oh that's an angel and her mum goes it's fucking not it's a fairy not an angel same difference isn't it huge difference fictional things it's a huge difference yeah but fairies are fairy folk all right anyway the

Starting point is 01:12:50 sister she finds a feather she thinks it's a bloody fairy and her mum goes it's not yeah and that's the song well it's because you're not allowed to believe in fairies that's pagan but you can believe in god because that's real there's a very christian underlying sort of ideology god pops up a lot in this like Well, the NSPCC was religious. Oh, was it? Yeah, because you see, it's almost 200 years old at that point. It's one of the earlier charities.

Starting point is 01:13:14 So Harry Seacombs sings a song about church at some point in this. Oh, he's hugely religious. He did Songs of Praise and Highway. Oh, yeah. He used to present Songs of Praise, didn't he? And that used to come on on Sundays and I'd be like I want to die

Starting point is 01:13:26 is there anything more depressing than when like a comedian goes like fucking not even religious forget religion like that's one thing to go Harry Seacombe

Starting point is 01:13:32 did the church thing forever but it's like oh I'm just gonna do travel logs you know what I mean yeah you hate that don't you kind of depresses me

Starting point is 01:13:38 Harry Seacombe I think was very much a religious yeah he was and a singer who kind of got roped into being a comedian early in his career

Starting point is 01:13:46 because of who his mates were. I don't really know about that. I've never really been deeply into the goon. I don't really know the goon stuff very well, other than its legacy, I guess. But overall, this is a nicely produced album. You know, the quality of it is nice. But as we were saying, Paul, no hooks.

Starting point is 01:14:02 It's weirdly tuneless. The lady cannot write a hook. Lyrics one way or the other. They're very nursery rhymey and basic. And they repeat. Yeah. Which is for kids' songs. Which is fine.

Starting point is 01:14:12 But you're right. There's no hook there. They amble and they trail off and then they awkwardly come to an end. Yes. There's a lack of melodic confidence, isn't there? I think even the Roger Rabbit, fuck me, the Roland Ratt superstar. Oh, he's on it.

Starting point is 01:14:28 Yeah, we haven't mentioned that. And that might be the slightest thing on the whole album because it's basically him talking about himself and then he sings a song

Starting point is 01:14:34 written by Kevin and it's awful. And then the song's over and he goes, yeah, go on Lulu, you take over now. Yeah, so it segues into the Lulu track.

Starting point is 01:14:41 One of the Lulus. So he's got two tracks. Does it make it a concept album now then? It is a concept album, essentially. It's a kids' charity concept album. And it is so 70s, but then Roland Ratt is so 80s. So that's the thing that pulls it out of the 70s for me.

Starting point is 01:14:54 It pops out and you think, oh no, this must have been later. You know, Petula Clark, Felicity Kendall, Harry Seacombe. Rolf Harris is kind of names of the 70s to some extent. Yeah, absolutely. He was huge from the 60s onwards, wasn't he? Unless it's only like Dennis Waterman and Roland Ratt that are quote-unquote contemporary. But even though Dennis Waterman was doing the Sweeney in the 70s.

Starting point is 01:15:13 He was, yeah. But most of these you can understand why they do a kids thing. But why would Dennis Waterman do a kids thing? Because it's for the charity. It's for the kids. Lulu has a double-decker bus song on there. Bridget had something on him. Maybe. It seems like she knew she could get get favors from all of these people for some reason she had something on rolf yeah maybe she did i mean that's no joking aside i mean yeah i told

Starting point is 01:15:35 you that story about rolf what's rolf's story my mate is this the one we can edit out or no it's not nothing bad oh god he met rolf har Harris just at some fair or event he was at. Yeah. In the 80s would have been. And he recalls being given the stink eye by Harris and this sort of mask off expression coming over Rolf's face

Starting point is 01:15:54 when he looked at him. He remembers it from years ago. Oh, like it haunted him? Yeah. Like to see the chat? And then when the revelations came out, he was like, yeah, that makes sense.

Starting point is 01:16:02 I saw that face. Yeah. I know that face. The face of evil, man. Horrible, huh? Anyway, he did a song called The Farmer's Son. The other thing is revelations came out he was like yeah that makes sense I saw that face yeah I know that face the face of evil man horrible huh anyway he did a song called the farmer's son the other thing is

Starting point is 01:16:08 it seems anachronistic this record in terms of the music because it does the reggae thing unnecessarily which was big in the 70s and it does

Starting point is 01:16:16 it sort of references disco on the lulu track on the lulu bus track but that's very much over by 80 what's it 82 it's 84 84 over by 80. What's it?

Starting point is 01:16:25 82. It's 84. 84. It's well dead by then. Disco is gone and they haven't incorporated any sort of of the sounds that around in the 80s. New, new wave or.

Starting point is 01:16:35 There's none of that. Or electro pop, you know. 84 would have had a bit of a punk in it as well. There's even that line, isn't it? In the song where it's like, we'll rock it like the punkers do.

Starting point is 01:16:44 Yeah. Rock it like the punkers. And Yeah, rock it like the punkers. And they say... It's such a middle-class way of trying to get that message across. Oh, did you hear those punkers with their punking music? So it is sort of out of time, out of... It's not trendy. I know it's not trying to be trendy,

Starting point is 01:16:56 but it's very much not on the pulse in terms of music of the era. Like, intellectually speaking, it's more Duplo rather than Lego. It's definitely Duplo rather than Lego. Splatter or Platter though eli i would say that song i picked i think is a good example i would say overall uh splatter yeah moments are platter worthy for me yeah i would have to agree with you on that actually i was trying to think where i would where i'd throw my throw my hat you know i was trying to think which where i'd throw my hat down on yeah throw my hat in and throw my hat down in i wanted to throw me in my hat yeah don't throw in the towel throw a hat throw in the towel in my hat throw a towel in my hat down spank on the floor

Starting point is 01:17:39 come around here wanker so what would you say splatter or platter I'm probably going to have to agree with you splatter with a dash of platter a dash of platter is quite an interesting thing

Starting point is 01:17:51 and I love I love covering stuff like this yeah I like covering stuff like this it's a real kind of curio of of a time and place it didn't have

Starting point is 01:17:59 any much of a legacy I hope it raised some money for charity yes music for pleasure shall I just pass you please MFP don't don't push down I hope it raised some money for charity. Yes, music for pleasure. Shall I just pass you it? Please.

Starting point is 01:18:06 MFP, don't push down on my trolley or break it. He's trying to let out a grunt, everyone. Well done. Did you hear that? It was wet as normal. I'm awaiting the arrival of it across the table. Like my bum votes are splatter. Yes, it certainly does, doesn't it?

Starting point is 01:18:22 Yes. How witty. And that's how we're ending this segment with me a professional podcaster breaking wind you've never stopped

Starting point is 01:18:31 I've stopped like several years ago stopped farting I feel it's a bit of rebellion I think it's a bit of kind of me being a true maverick

Starting point is 01:18:38 broadcaster there you go yes you are a maverick isn't it fine I'm not complaining it's a maverick move that isn't it it's a lateral maverick move Isn't it? Fine, I'm not complaining. It's a maverick move, that, isn't it? I'm not complaining. It's a lateral maverick move.

Starting point is 01:18:46 I just would like to say, Music for Pleasure, worth looking at, and you see it all over the charity shops, but they do have some good collectible things. Donovan put out records on Music for Pleasure, and those also have very nice Donovan music on. Just if they like Donovan, I guess, don't you?

Starting point is 01:19:01 I like some of Donovan's stuff, but a lot of crap on it as well. Jason Donovan. Not Jason Donovan. I like Donovan, I guess, don't you? I like some of Donovan's stuff, but a lot of crap on it as well. Jason Donovan. Not Jason Donovan. I like Jason. If you see Jason Donovan on Music for Pleasure label, grab it. It's probably got some early classics on.

Starting point is 01:19:12 I'll tell you two other similar sort of budget labels of the era. K-Tel. No. Rhino. Charisma. Yes. And Marble Arch. You ever seen those Marble Arch ones?

Starting point is 01:19:23 Oh, that brings about. Very similar label. Sort of British sort of cut price labels. Yes. And Marble Arch. You ever seen those Marble Arch ones? Oh, that brings about. Very similar label. Sort of British, sort of cut price labels. 50p albums back in the day. Yes, because the whole industry was vinyl. This is before the compact cassette even came out. The only way you'd buy recorded music was vinyl, yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:39 Or reel-to-reel. I suppose they sold those, didn't they? Yeah, but they would have been super-duper expensive, wouldn't they? Or 8-track, if you're American. That was more of an American thing, 8-track.

Starting point is 01:19:48 8-track didn't come until the 70s, though, did it? Yeah, like 60s, 70s. I'm sure it was. But it just never caught on the UK because it was more

Starting point is 01:19:54 of a car thing, wasn't it? Very much a car thing, yeah. And by that time, Britain had radios and then cassette decks. It's a whole thing.

Starting point is 01:20:01 If you want to know more, I'm sure Techmo and on YouTube will tell you all that kind of stuff. It's a very good channel. Right, we've voted. We've chosen. It's time to thing. If you want to know more, I'm sure Tecmo and on YouTube will tell you all that kind of stuff. It's a very good channel. Right. We voted.

Starting point is 01:20:07 We've chosen. It's time to close the platter segment down. Okay. We can just do it normally and stop now and say thank you and then do the admin or we could desperately thrash our way towards something witty to do.

Starting point is 01:20:18 No, I don't think we should do that, Paul. You don't think we should thrash about? No, I don't think we should thrash about. I don't think we should thrash about. I've seen what you've been coming up with today. It's been reasonably gold. No, no. It's been...

Starting point is 01:20:27 It's pewter. It's not... It's not gold. I'm not going to say it's gold. It's been pewter. Paul, it's just been very poor, all of it. Platinum. What about platinum?

Starting point is 01:20:36 A bit of a platinum type thing. I've been doing platinum. We both boffed on it now, ladies and gentlemen. And that's called it quits. Now, that means the moon's alive. Oh dear. That didn't need to happen, man. No, it's like a little electric spark from the wall.

Starting point is 01:20:51 It was something like that. That's not how we're ending this. Yeah, we're going to end on Eli's brown spark. Press the stupid button. Right, that's another episode done. We hope you've enjoyed yourself and had a bit of a giggle whenever it is you've decided to listen to this podcast. So, look, long story short, if you want social media links,

Starting point is 01:21:15 if you want links to videos or pages that accompany said episodes of the podcast or bits and bobs in general, it is thecheapshow.co.uk. You can email us thecheapshow.co.uk. You can email us thecheapshow at gmail.com if you have anything you want to say or you have a Tales from the Shop floor.

Starting point is 01:21:31 We have a PO Box which you can send stuff to. That's on our website and in the metadata for this podcast on the podcast app of your choosing. Twitter,

Starting point is 01:21:39 X, whatever you want to fucking call it. It's dying on its arse so we're also on threads. Just look for Cheap Show Pod there. Yeah, we are. I haven't even got threads don't worry about it mate think about it's one less thing to worry about i know just what we got to do for the grind and also we'd

Starting point is 01:21:52 like to say thank you to our patreon supporters who support us and keep this podcast going thank you so much for your support and if you'd like to join them and get access to all the extra goodies that you can get your hands and ears on it is patreon.com forward slash cheap show and that is ultimately the admin thank you very much for your support patrons uh the video which features me were you filming when i found the geocache when we were out and about yes no the walkabout episode the ganon's golden quest video is now up for patrons uh an hour that is that video that's extra value hour and yeah you can give very little money and just yeah that's all tears that one as well because there are different tiers of support

Starting point is 01:22:30 video episodes of the top there's a lot of tears amongst our supporters crap book episodes of podcasts and everything else that is associated with the episodes and tangential stuff all tears including the magazine there's a new one out recently eggs cheap show magazine all about eggs with articles from ethan and biffo and you and me we all write in it it's a new one out recently Eggs Cheapshire Magazine all about eggs with articles from Ethan and Biffo and you and me we all write in it it's a classic episode

Starting point is 01:22:48 of the magazine and I'm going to announce it now but I think I'm definitely going to do a Winky documentary and I'm talking with Stuart and a few other people about funds

Starting point is 01:22:59 and making it so when we go over to LA we should do some research while we're out there if we can well I would like to see the Winky sign location because i'm just into that the other standard hotel offers apology we could walk up there could be yeah easy not a problem it's not a really long walk no we can get there it's easy it's a short walk it's nearby and then yeah yeah

Starting point is 01:23:18 we could do that oh i'd love to do that yeah because i went there in 2019 didn't i so yeah i'd like to see it yeah so we're going to start working on a documentary because next year it will be 40 years since that happened because it started in almost 40 years ago today this year Christmas and then ended next

Starting point is 01:23:34 summer if that makes sense if people don't know what we're talking about Winky what number episode should they look for 181 if it's not just

Starting point is 01:23:40 look for the episode called Winky the Untold Story and then you'll know it's a three hour episode that goes into the Winky the Untold Story. And then you'll know. It's a three-hour episode that goes into the deep dive. We've been given some more information recently. This guy just wanted to say yes. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:23:51 We've got a cachet of new facts and interests. Some very interesting things. I saw them with my own eyes today. You did. You did. And it's a fascinating story. So hopefully that's it. We're going to launch that and hopefully make it next year.

Starting point is 01:24:04 I just want to say that noodle, fucking lucky me, chicken milk. I slurped it down in the break. Don't. No, please. I just want to say goodbye to the full year. I like those bowls. Why do you always have to grab my pottery? I just want to say.

Starting point is 01:24:20 Could you live somewhere else, God, please? I was going to say, if you could find somewhere else for me I'll go there I can I've got lots of cardboard boxes what have you got I can't God can't be in an envelope

Starting point is 01:24:31 can't do that oh no he's not going to live in a light fitting either oh mate what about this you know what no I'm not going in a

Starting point is 01:24:39 fucking Pepsi bottle mate what about this no I'm not doing that no I know where I'm going to go I know where I'm going to go I know where I'm going to go I'm going to look your arse off mate I'm going to look your big arse off Fuck off don't touch me

Starting point is 01:24:50 I'm going to look your arse off It's the worst improvisation You've ever done I'm going to look your arse off Come on God come on God I'll fucking have you I'll try and get out my arse

Starting point is 01:24:59 Come on man I'll be fucking omnipresent In your arse off Thanks for listening everyone Thanks for listening Bye bye Bye bye Bye Bye Bye Bye I'll be fucking omnipresent in your arsehole thanks for listening everyone goodbye bye bye goodbye

CheapShow - Ep344: Firm Milky Lollipops

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