Chewing the Fat with Jeff Fisher - Ep 171 | Ketchup Karma, Epstein Conspiracies, & Horse Face Celebrities

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

Jeffy find himself talking about the suicide that happen over the weekend. Do you believe that Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide? Congrats to all the horses that can fly now. Then Jeffy closes the show with a story about a ketchup thief. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Good news. Good news to start today. The U.S. Department of Transportation issued its final guidance on the subject and added miniature horses to the list of service animals that can fly in any cabin. That's right. Thank you. Thank you. Trained miniature horses officially recognized in the Americans with Disabilities Act as a legitimate service animal, the agency has decided they must be able to fly.

It's good news for a lot of people. Not only just horses, but people, because now there's some people out there. And I won't have to fly just private. I'm not naming any names, but I think you know who I'm talking about. What do you, I mean, just want to distill the music. You want me to relaunch it again? No. You know I love doing that.

I know. I know you do that. I just wanted this. I just wanted the music with the, with the Camille. I mean, the horse sound. And, yeah, this is horse sound. We do often play it when we mention Camille.

Was the other actress that looks like a horse? No other one. I know what you're talking about. I have no idea of what you're talking about with people looking like horse faces. I mean, we had the horse face. Now, there's a difference. There's a difference. Like, John Kerry has a horse face.

You know, the act, that's political, so I got to take it easy. I don't want to get too political. But he has a horse face. And I mean, that's, hey, what's, you know, the horse walked into the bar. Hey, what's with the long face? That's John Kerry joke. But, uh... I have a list of 11 celebrities that looks like horses.

Let's hear the list. Number one. Sorry at the bottom. Start at the bottom. Number 11. Oh, that's an awful lot. I don't know if I'm going to make it through. Give me like 11, 10, and 9 real quick.

Okay, 11, 11, Mali Cyrus, 10, Steve Tyler. 9. Rumor Willis. Oh, no. No to those three. I mean, they have questionable sometimes photographs of themselves, but they're not horse faces. Number eight, Hillary Swank. Oh, that's a possible one there.

And I like Hillary. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to go off. I don't want Hillary Swank fans to come after me. What about number seven? David Schrimmer. Oh, that's just because he's got that long head. Torrey spelling number six?

Tori is, uh, uh, what about number five? Tori's rough. She's had such a great life. And now they're redoing the 902.10. You know why they're doing that? Because she needs money. And she needs to, you know, load up the straw in the barn. Sarah Jessica Parker.

Oh, yeah. And she has a website. Sarah Jessica Parker? About a horse. You want me to give you that website? No, she does not. No, she does not. So is it a joke piece from her?

Because there's no way Sarah Jessica Parker makes a joke about a horse face. I want you to open up your browser and you're going to go to this website, Jeff Fisher. Are you ready? Hold on. This is Jessica Parker's horse website. Sarah Jessica Parker. Sarah Jessica Parker, yes. All right, go ahead.

Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse.com. I have been to this before. And how do I know that? Because it pops right up into my browser. Which means I have bruised this. Yes, I have. But you forgot that this was existing. This is not Sarah's website, just to be clear.

What? But it has her name. Yeah, I know. Just show you know this is not her. I thought this was her website. I thought she was like, you know, doing this whole thing about horses. No, Sarah Jessica Parshker looks like a horse.com is not. She does not own that website.

Yeah, it doesn't have anything to do with her. I mean, I was hoping to. I bet she's fought hard to shut this down. Why would you though? Why would you? Uh, because she's a New York elitist. That's why. Cannot deny your family.

All right. Number four. Number four, Chelsea Clinton. Oh. Number three, Tad Denson. It's a long face. Yeah, that's just a long face. It's not bad.

Number two, Celine Dion. Oh, boy, she's lost a lot of weight too, man. She's looking. She's 51 now. Do you see her quad about 51? I know, but she's lost so much weight. She's got some hot new young boyfriend. Yes.

She's living large. And she no longer has that. residency in Vegas. Right. Well, she's doing a quick tour. She's doing a tour around the world, redoing her tour, and she's, you know, she's got, she's got more money than anyone needs.

I mean, she's made more money. At some point, you've made too much money. I don't think so. And as Salina's made too much money. No. And number one. Hobby, who passed away was worth, you know, tons. Is that a number?

Yes. And Celine was worth tons. How many tons to a million? I don't know, but at some point you've made too much money. Barack Obama told us that. Almost too political. So stop. So stop. Number one.

That looks like a horse. Celebrity is? Camilla Parker Bowles. No. Where Camilla is not in the top of 11? This list is wrong. This list is not correct. She is not a celebrity.

She's a royal. She's not a celebrity. I think she's... But number one is Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, no way. Sarah Jessica Parker needs to be number one on this list. That list you have right there. Sarah Jessica Parker is number one.

There's even a website dedicated to it. There's no other people. There's a Jerry Seinfeld looks like a horse.com, is there? No, no, no, no. Probably, yes. I'm not going to, I don't want to type it. I do not want to type it even. No, no.

I do not want to type it. Move on. But there's another list of 25 celebrities that look like a horse. I didn't do that one. That's okay. No, just, I'm just telling you, you know, look, if you'd like to celebrate celebrities who look like horses with us at some point.

Just go down, find a list because they're everywhere. And it basically has to do with, you know, if you have a big long face, which a lot of celebrities do because it looks weird enough for the camera. Yeah, like Enculture. Unculture's on this list. She's definitely a horse. And some of these aren't necessarily. And John Kerry was not on the other one.

I'm probably upset. But he's not a celebrity, right? He's a political. So you tell me that Enculture is more celebrity than John Kerry? But yeah, John Kerry is a, is a politician. right, he's not a celebrity. If Camilla Parker Balls is not the leader on any of these lists, then John Kerry doesn't need to be on the list either.

Because those are separate, those are separate, like politicians' horse faces and royal horse face. No, we have to stop now. We have to stop. We've gone too far. We've gone too far. But that's not a horse. That's a Hispanic horse.

That's some other people on that list. They didn't know. They didn't want to name of that. so they just figured, yeah, put her on the horse list. Yeah, she's not really, she's more of a, but we can't call her that, so just put her on the horse face list and we'll be happy. Speaking of Royals, though, you know, I was going to talk a little bit about what I said on Twitter this weekend. I don't want to say, I told you so, about Jeffrey Epstein, but I told you so.

So, and don't forget that, you know, the Royals were on the Big Jepstein. Jeffrey Epstein, a black book, according to some paperwork, which obviously they completely deny. Prince Andrew. Yeah, they completely deny. And Prince Andrew is like the, he's one of the dofaces of the royals. He's just over there. Duke of York. Let's leave him be.

What's he doing? Now, he's a royal. So he gets, he gets some royal, some royal, it wouldn't surprise me that he would be on the list. But if he denies it and he's going down, that's it. But the queen took his side this weekend. Went to church with them, made sure she made sure she was seen in public with them. And she was saying, hey, I'm on your side. And now that I've got you in the car, too, if any of this is true, you're out.

If any of this is true, we're going to put you in a land rover with my husband and drive around the property for a little while, okay? Because you're going to end up crashing out. So Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide this weekend. And I say suicide in parentheses. What fascinating story. We knew that he was not going to survive, or at least if you've listened to this show,

you know he was not going to survive. For those of you just joining us for the first time on chewing the fat, welcome. And be sure to, you know, if you just stumbled on us, make sure you subscribe and... Where can I do that? And what am I subscribing to? Oh, Jesus.

You are such an agonizing. you're becoming a real pain in my butt. You know that? Wherever free podcasts are sold, wherever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever you want to get your little podcast, whatever suits your little heart, you can go ahead and subscribe to chewing the fat with Jeff Fisher. So anyway, Jeffrey Epstein.

You know that I told you there's no way he was going to make it. And there's, you know, there's all kinds of conspiracies wrapped around this, right? the conspiracies of maybe he didn't die at all. All right? So I was thinking about this this weekend. So maybe we had the, we had the, we had the fake suicide attempt a couple weeks ago.

And then we make, you know, we pulled the, we pull, they said he wasn't a suicide threat, so they pulled him off the suicide watch. The guards are overworked and working all this time. They didn't check on them every 30 minutes. Are you kidding me? Oh, yeah, that's bad there. It's, you know, where they're overworked

and underbushed. and underpaid, and they can't check on every. They can't check on every inmate. And that's just too much to ask of them doing their job. So, I mean, maybe he, maybe this was just an escape. He was out, he's out, right? Committed suicide.

He can be dead now, but he's gone. Or he is dead. And, you know, my favorite. But we're not take that answer. My favorite, my favorite, me, my think, of the weekend was what was the line? Are you surprised

of Jeffrey Epstein's suicide? Imagine how he was, imagine how surprised he was, something like that. Yeah, Chad Pracher tweeted it out. So, who?

Chad Preacher. Yeah, I don't know who that is. I think does he do a show on this network or something? You know what? I don't know Jeff Fisher. I don't know. I think he does,

but I don't know. You don't know? You give him your love on the air and you don't know whether he does a show? I do not know. If he does a show. Really?

Yes. Really? Well, he does. Oh, he does? Just so you know. You know the name of the show? It's probably, I'm assuming, the Chad Preather's show. Okay, so I could find out also where we're done.

It could be wrong. You could be wrong? It could be, hey, Chad's place. Ooh, that's a good one. If it's not the Chad Prater's corner. I don't know. That could be a store. That's where you shop for anything, Chad.

It could be hanging Chad. I don't know what it is. No one's going to get that one. That's only for Florida I know Only for other people I get that way So anyway

The Thank you Jeffrey Epstein That's where I was at I'm still thinking about The Prater jokes Coming to me And I'm letting them go now

There's plenty of people Like they had Other inmates That have been in the Metropolitan Correction Center They're saying No way He could have committed suicide

In this joint No way Because of the way that it's set up and the way that things happen. I'll tell you who I'm concerned about. I know that we're, you know, we've got, you know, the Clinton, the Clinton group, you know, their numbers growing and growing on the death watch of the Clintons. And we've got all kinds of people.

When you have a list like he had, the black book that he had, there's a, you know, that's why I said there's no way he makes it out of this alive. There's just no way. It's not going to happen. And that's why they, when they couldn't get him out on bail so that they could make him disappear, they had to take care of it this way. And, you know, they didn't want to. You know, originally, we don't want, we don't want to, we don't want to, we don't want to have him commit suicide. But if we have to, we will.

I'll tell you who's the number one person in the light right now is his former assistant, Jisleine Maxwell. Well, she is first and foremost on the list, baby. And didn't she flip? I don't know. I thought it was reports that she fling. The only way, look, she either disappears, and I mean, disappears like on her own, right, just goes away and never to be seen again. And deep pockets, whatever account money, she knows where it's at. She knows it all.

Or she does. disappears, you know, like commit suicide. Just like Epstein did? Yeah, it's possible. They could, you know, they could have shared suicide. Well, I hope they just don't do the same suicide because I'll be foolish, you know. Do something different. Yeah, like an episode from, you know, that famous TV show on Netflix House of Cards.

I don't know. I just can put that out there. Just accidentally fall in front of a train? Accidents and fall in front of a train. What a great scene that was, too, by the those. That we backtracked. That episode. when that happened,

there's not a person watching. No one saw it coming. No one saw it coming. No one saw it. And that's not that you make a good TV show right there. That was so good. That was such a great episode. I mean, it was, it sat you up. I remember laying down on the sofa and sitting up going, and pausing and rewinding and I must have to watch it like 10 times. It's so great. You don't see it coming. It's like, what just happened? It sets up perfectly. It was so great. Anyway.

And I was sad to see her go too because I like. Oh yeah, she was pretty cute Well, oh, that's not, I liked her character on the show Oh, no, I liked her because she was cute So I don't know that That Maxwell has flipped If she has, Good luck, God bless

Right? I mean, she's got to be under serious protection And I mean, serious protection Like, you know, like one guy that nobody knows where she's at, and that's the only person who knows where she's at. I mean, we've all seen the movies. What movies? I don't even remember.

I'm trying to think. I mean, she's got to be under the cover of darkness. That's the title of the movie, actually. This is the Jeffrey Epstein movie, undercover of darkness. I just entitled it for you. You're welcome. You are welcome.

So if she flips, holy cow. Look out. I don't think she does though. I think she's too hardcore. She's either going to disappear or disappear. Like there's going to be, it's a terrible thing, the roadways in America. How many people die of car accidents every day in America? How many people overdose every day in America?

How many people trip downstairs and hurt themselves and possibly die every day in America? You just don't know what could happen. You just don't know. So if I'm just Lane Maxwell, and I'm hoping that's the correct pronunciation of her first name, G-H-I-S-L-A-I-N-E, Just-L-A-I-N-E, Just-L-A-N-Max-W. That, man, if she turns,

if she turns, man, holy cow, that's going to be a show. They drag her into federal court over the Epstein stuff. Wow. Hello. I want her to flip now. All right. As long as we're on Jeffrey Epstein and his black book,

there's a new app now set up. It's called Gapper. So you can download it or not. I mean, of course you want to subscribe to Chewere the Fad, but you can download Gapper. if you want. What is Gapper? Yes, what is Gapper, Jeff Fisher? It's a new app.

Lost about six months ago. It sets up people to have relationships with an age gap. So if you're older looking for younger or mostly, I mean, of course, he's not older looking for younger. That's Jeffrey Epstein. Absolutely. And I mean, obviously we're talking about adults here. Yes, not under 18. Countdown people.

Wow, no kidding. Who are you, just Lane Maxwell or something? All right, so, older looking for younger, younger looking for older. It's not, look. So what's the case? Before you go into this, what is the most case out there? Are older looking for younger or younger looking for older? I would, that's a good question.

I don't know that. We should do a study on that. That's a good question. And we'll get a grant? Yes. We should get at least. Couple of million for a study on there. What is the biggest study?

You know, we have to get both sides. Yes. It's timely. We've got to get people involved. And peer peer review. Look, I'm a fan. I'm a fan of that, actually. I would love to do that.

I think in this generation in 2019, I think the youngest are looking more and older. Yeah. Because have you seen the field out there? I haven't. You haven't? I'm a married man. I'm a married to, I've been married to this wife for a while.

Is it time? She does it's close. And will you be looking for younger? Oh, no. Are you crazy or what? No. She will be. There's no doubt about that.

You can count on that. But this is why I like in the story about Gapper. I'm a young man at 25. I don't like girls my age. They're immature and inexperienced. I downloaded this dating app without any hesitation. And a 35-year-old single lady attracted me most. She's mature, but with good energy, experienced, but young at heart.

I believe that. I believe that. That couldn't be a paid advertisement for the Gapper, could it? No, that's just out of the blue review on their app. Organic. Yes, of course it is. Now look, their app is, wait a minute, Gapper strongly notes that their app is not for mutually beneficial relationships like Sugar Daddy.

It's simply an intergenerational fund without the benefit of money. Right. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Of course you're for mutually beneficial relationship. Who's running this joint? Now they got from Tinder. about. Yeah.

Thank you. No kidding. I mean, Tinder and Bumble, man. Those are those after like, go ahead, give it a shot. We got you covered.

Well, I'd like to know what the gap is. You know, and I'd also like to know what's the strongest gap. 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, 30 years, 50 years.

You know, we all can't be, what's her face, marrying the 80, the 80-year-old billionaire who's on this deathbed. What's her name that died already? She had the TV show. Anna Nicole Smith.

That's her name. Anna Nicole Smith. I mean, that was a big gap, right? I mean, she was like this 22 years or 23-year-old blonde model in parentheses. And, you know, the guy was on his deathbed forever. Fought the family over money, had the reality show. But I'd be fascinating to see what the gap is, you know, how much the gap is. you know how much the gap is in the age what's most important 10 years because is that still

count 10 years 10 years i feel like that doesn't really count i feel like unless you're 20 or more then that counts if it's less than 20 hey today's world who's count all right so all right so here you go i can't stop thinking about geoffrey epstein all right either can the rest of the world i know It's such a fascinating story. And it's such a, you know, I said early on there's no way he lives through this. But I was really, you know, back in your mind, you're hoping that he does, right? You're hoping that because if he folds to save his hide, there's a lot of people that are going to burn. And I don't think necessarily the people that we think are going to burn.

But there's going to be a number of people that are going to. going to burn that are some big players around the world. And like, that's why I was talking about who wanted him dead. The list of the conspiracy theories are all kind of close at hand. But what do you think of gangsters and the families of, say, the movie, the documentary Godfather? Weird, because a lot of, for example, Jamie Lee Curtis, reference, remember the scene in the Godfather where Tom Hanged, who taught.

talks of Roman traders to Frankie Pantilegly, who then kills himself? Life imitating art? Yeah, I mean, and the families, you know, it's not just the head guy. You know, it's not just Bill Clinton out there trying to kill you. It's the entire family, right? I mean, it's all the families. So the foundation is clean? Yes.

Okay, I got it. Yes. but I mean there's so what are the top the top the top conspiracy theories right now well this is not the top one but this is the one that I like Queen Elizabeth took him out

and why would Queen Elizabeth take him out because of Andrew so the queen takes this guy out because of Andrew I mean that would be more I would see her taking Andrew out rather than Jeffrey it'll be much easier you're right it'll be much easier to take out Prince Andrew okay then I'll take it back then I'll take it back then

I'll take it back. I'll take it back. I mean, kill Jeffrey and then go to church with Andrew? No. Okay. What about Hitler and Bill? Yeah.

I mean, that's definitely, I mean, that's definitely possible. And there's, they, they've, in parentheses,

left a trail of bodies. Yeah, the count is like, what, 8,000 people death? I think we're up about eight, maybe, it might even be 10,000.

Okay, okay. What about President Trump? No, stop it. You know, they showed all these pictures all weekend long of Epstein

with all these people. He went to billionaire fundraisers. What do you do at billionaire fundraisers? Take pictures. And there was one picture that I saw of who was Elon, Elon Musk. And next to him was Jislaid Maxwell. But she wasn't, if you look at the picture, they weren't really together. You know, it was just like they were at this event.

And here's Elon. And then there's Jiselaan right here. So it was like these two are at this event. but they're not together. I was just, you can't believe everything. Can't believe everything you see. Okay, what about this one?

Russia slash Putin. Why? Why not? Joe Scarborough was the one that said this is a Russian hit. Joe Scarborough. Can we talk about Joe Scarborough for a little bit? Sure. I believe there's a strong case on Joe Scarborough,

one of his people who was taken care of in his office when he was a congressman. if I remember that story. What is the, holy shit, what is the story about that? So it was his intern, right? It was Scarborough's intern that passed away in his office.

Right. Okay, and he's the one telling us that we're going to. Yeah, it was a Russian hit. No, no, no, that was a Russian hit. Yeah, Russia. Yeah. William Barr. I mean, just because he's the,

I mean, I kind of get it that he's the head of the Department of Justice. And he's the guy that sets up, you know, can make things go away, right? We take him off suicide watch, make sure that, you know, put the guards, have the guards take a break, whatever, right? He's the head guy. But that's, okay, stop for just a second. That's a long way, right? I mean, that's a long way to get there.

I'm going to help you out there. I'm going to help you up with this. Patricia Arquette says, this is the same bar who refused, who had to recuse in Epsen case in Florida. the same bar who refuses to recuse himself in New York and whose father hired Epstein even though unqualified to teach kids. Okay.

And like you said, this is, you know, the guy who does the federal custody for Epstein. I know, but that's a, okay, so let's say that. Now, that's a long way. That's a long ladder to get down to Joe, the security guy walking away and letting somebody in there to kids. him right over time yeah from the department I mean it just seems like a long stretch

but look I mean that's what conspiracy theories are that we're getting there right and then I got two one that he fakes his death and he's alive I like that we talked a little bit about that earlier that's and then this one I really like okay witness protection program if he turns and that's a thing that Epstein flipped and they had to fake his death and get him out of there And look, if he flipped, if he turned, it's possible that the first suicide attempt was to throw everybody off. Right. Look, this is what we got to do to keep you alive.

We're going to say you had a suicide attack. We're going to take you, get you better. And we're going to bring you back. And we're going to make everything look like we pulled everything. And then we're going to get you out of here. So, I mean, it's a big picture. It's a big picture. We're going to get you out here to save your life.

And that's the one I like because if you all, everybody by now has seen the pictures of him being taken out of the MCC with, you know, so-called paramedics. Right. So. I know.

Out of all of them, I like that one the best. I mean, I don't think so. I don't think so. It doesn't, that's not who he was. You know,

just to save his high. I was going to say, Jeffrey, you're about to face, you know, death by Clinton, the Queen, Trump, Russia, William Barr. Do you per die by then? All he's going to do is get out and get to his island, right? Always got to do is get out and get to his island. It's all he's got to do. And witness protection has got him where in Oklahoma City working at the dry cleaners? No.

Jeffrey Epstein is not going to live like that. Maybe they get him, maybe he flips and they send him to the island. Yeah. So here you go. You don't have to become anyone else. Just go to your island. you can't leave the island ever. If you leave your island, you're on your own.

And everything comes out and we say, yep, we put him in witness protection and he flipped and we have all these names and we're starting to drag people out of court. But nothing we could do. He wasn't going to go to Oklahoma City and work in the dry cleaners with the name Bill for 30 years.

It just wasn't going to happen. Is just Lane going to show up in Oklahoma City while he's working at the dry cleaners and say, why don't you just come with me? They will just hang out. No. That lifestyle, the lifestyle that he has become accustomed to working in Oklahoma City as a dry cleaner

is not part of that lifestyle, I guarantee you. Not even close. Not close. That's why I don't think he turned. No way. He's still thinking that he can get out. You keep talking about present tense, so he's still alive. In your book.

It does feel that way. To me it does feel that way that he is. And you know what? If people start going down, man, holy cow. There's going to be some big towers going down. Holy cow. I'm not talking about, I mean,

I give a crap about Clinton. He's ready, I mean, Bill's not going to be around that much longer anyway. I mean, he does not look good. Maybe, you know, who knows, he might live to be 150 years old, and you see him wheeling bill around it. Hillary pushing him. No way she's putting it. Stop it.

Hey, he's 72. And there's no way Hillary is pushing. Absolutely no way. I don't think they're sleeping the same bed. I mean, by the time he left office, they were not sleeping in the same bed. Oh, they were lucky to be under the same roof. Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

So there's no way she's pushing little old, Bill. I mean, it was good times when she was Secretary of State so she could just be gone. Yeah. Just out of there. And she's resetting countries. Oh, that's right. That's right.

Resetting countries, helping America build a stronger world. Yeah. Man, I wish we had that in the office right now, don't you? Oh, yeah. No, I don't. No, I don't. Violation. I let you go out by yourself a violation right there.

But it really wasn't political. It was more of just a joke. It was just more of a political. joke on Hillary, but how could you not do that if Hillary is, we're talking about Hillary and Bill going down hard. And I use that word hard with Jeffrey Epstein on purpose. All right, that's enough of Jeffrey Epstein. Cuba Good Jr. Love him. Ben in all kinds of movies. I love his work.

Radio, that's the best one. He was great in O.J. the people versus OJ Simpson he was also in coming to America a lot of people don't know that he was in the barber chair he was yes he was one of the young kids in the barbers chair that is so cool I gotta go back and look at that he was that he's so cool

yeah that it was this big role in coming to America is fantastic which I believe and he's making another one right we're looking forward to a new coming to America fantastic on that I'm guessing Cuba might not be in the barber chair for that one but you never know. However, he's, you know, he's been, he's been in trouble. Going to court, apparently, you know, he was accused of groping a woman.

Sad bastard. So he's been hashtag me too, man. Now, according to what happened, remember this has happened a while ago now, but there's video of it. And the video, according to his attorney, shows him reaching across. and then what could be him touching this woman's breast and then grabbing her hand and kissing her hand. Now, it's all a big, you know, it's a big mess

and Kuban flatly denies any wrongdoing whatsoever. And so they're still going on. The judge completely wants it to go on. Cuba's attorney is now saying, you know, he's getting slammed for victim shaming. What? Victim shaming? You kidding me?

Isn't that what going to court is all about? You attacked Kimel Good Jr. And we can't attack you back? No, I think not. So Gooding's attorney has started a new hashtag movement. Here we go. Hit me. Hashtag not me.

So for those of you that could possibly get M-Tude or, um, And you don't want to be, you know, me too. Be tuned. Keep your hands to yourself. Thank you. Thank you. That's why you want to be hashtag not me. That's all I'm aware of.

All right. Hashtag not me. Deny, deny, deny. That's all I'm saying. Just deny down the line. So good luck, Kova. Love you. Hashtag not me. Yeah.

That's what you get. Okay. That's what you get. Heinz ketchup thief. You hear me? So, as you know, if you listen to this show and have listened to me over the years, one of the things that I've always wanted to do was become a Heinz ketchup police officer, Heinz ketchup enforcement officer.

And I would love to have a Heinz ketchup badge, excuse me, Heinz ketchup police here. Just to, you know, listen, there's a lot of places out there that try to pretend they serve Heinz ketchup. They use Heinz ketchup bottles, but they don't put Heinz ketchup. the refill, that's, I'll close you down faster than anything as a Heinz ketchup police officer for doing that. But this particular thief realized what a bad person and what karma can do to you if you steal Heinz ketchup.

He stole Heinz ketchup from a Perkins restaurant. Man, it's been a while since I've been to a Perkins restaurant too, man. Are they still open? I guess, sure. Yeah. There's got to be something on the East Coast, right? And they're, you know, big old lemon meringue pie from Perkins. Oh, hello.

Now I want one. Just order one, okay? Get one for us here at June the Fad. So this person stole Heinz ketchup. And she then returned the ketchup with a note. And she said the, she left a bag at the restaurant with a note. with a note and two replacement bottles of ketchup outside of the restaurant

and completely asked for forgiveness. Heinz, of course, got one to the story and offered to help pay for the person's cars, repairs. So things paid off. That's exactly what happened, right? She stole the ketchup, got into a car wreck right after she stole the ketchup.

Things started going bad. She couldn't take it. So she returned, bought two. new bottles and brought it back to the restaurant with the letter. So now Heinz is going to pay for the car, or help pay for the car anyway. The restaurant didn't even realize, I guess they realized that the ketchup bottle was gone. There should be an inventory issue with the restaurant. They don't know how many Heinz ketchup bottles they have at the tables.

As a Heinz ketchup police officer, when I come in to your restaurant, I want to know how many Heinz, how many bottles do you have? on display and in the back. I want to know complete inventory. Better have that for me. Otherwise, I don't have to write you out. That's right. That's right.

Do not be messing with. I'm all about the reality show of the Heinz Gutschev police. Who now work? Whatever now. Listen, I'm not picky. You're not going to read the letter? I'm not picky. What?

It's a cute letter. Oh, I already talked about it. it. Okay, never, don't read it then. I already talked about it. Dear Perkins, I suck. I stole your ketchup. Here's your ketchup bottles.

The Heinz ketchup police officer, Jeff Fisher, caught up with me. And that's when I accidentally banged my head against his car. And I want to return the bottles. Sorry, I inconvenienced you. That's what I saw from the letter. Is that the letter that you read? Yes, that's the same letter I printed out for you. It was pretty close, I thought.

So when do we stop with restaurants messing with police officers? And it really isn't even about the police officers. It's messing with customers. Fine line, Jeffrey. Fine line. I know. You're making food for customers. Just make the food.

Let's make the food. We're coming into your restaurant, and we just want you to make a food. So a New Mexico Burger King franchise actually handled. it great. But a police officer went in and ordered his food from Burger King. I don't know if he got the impossible burger or not. He got his burger, and when he got it, he said it looked on the paper, opened it up, and it had a picture of a pig on it.

And he says there's a picture of it with a picture of a drawing of a pig and a badge on the paper. Now, some of you may be chuckling to yourself over that, thinking that that's kind of funny and just get over it, Mr. Police officer. But I'm right here. Why are you giving me the one? finger up like that. Why are you giving me the finger? I look up and Chris Cruz give me the finger all of a sudden.

So right back at you, a bastard. Look at this. I know I hate to do it in front of the cameras, but I will. There you go. So he said the burger was overcooked. And that's the problem right there. That's the fine line. They started messing with the food, right? So it wasn't just the one guy wrapping up the burger and drawing the picture on it. It was the entire process. Burger King franchise, fired all five of them on the shift. Have a nice day. How about, and it wasn't, it's more, I get, you know, he posted on Facebook saying, hey, I guess I don't need to come to this Burger King in my uniform.

Okay. But the point is that they're messing with customers. Him being a police officer obviously had something to do with it with these particular workers. But overall, just make the food for the customers, man. I come into Burger King. I just want my egg and cheese omelet. Be great. You know, the egg and cheese on the croissant.

That's a Burger King. Yeah, egg and cheese croissant and their little hash brown nuggets? Oh, man. We got to go to Burger King.