Chewing the Fat with Jeff Fisher - Ep 331 | Dying For Sex: The Adventures of Molly | Guest: Nikki Boyer

Episode Date: March 21, 2020

(SPOILER WARNING: Jeffy and Nikki talk about all the episodes) If you find out you will die today, what would you do? Well here's a podcast mini-series that follows the life of Molly. Nikki Boyer’s best friend Molly is diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer, she decides to do something bold. She leaves an unhappy marriage and embarks on a series of sexual adventures to feel alive. Dont forget to listen to Dying For Sex as Nikki interviews her best friend Molly. Subscribe on YouTube Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you found out you were going to die today, what would you do differently? The real answer is what many of us can't answer, right? It's nothing. You should be living your life the way you want every day. We've all had cancer touch our lives. Many have a tough time sharing how it's encompassed our life. But I started listening to a podcast, a mini-series podcast. titled Dying for Sex, a Wondry podcast with host Nikki Boyer.

It's a six-part miniseries. And aside from the title, Dying for Sex, it's really a podcast about living. And it revolves around dying, of course, but it revolves around the friend of Nikki, Molly. And, you know, you look at the podcast recap, and it talks about Molly being diagnosed with breast cancer, and she decides to do something bold.

She leaves an unhappy marriage, embarks on a series of sexual adventures, to feel alive, and over the course of the six-part mini-series, Molly shares the details of her hilarious escapades and a story about friendship, death, and what to do with the time you have. Joining us in the break room today on Chewing the Fat

is Nikki Boyer herself. Nikki, welcome to Chewing the Fat. How in the world are? Hi. Oh, my gosh, I'm great, and I'm just so grateful that you brought me on the show. Thank you so much. Oh, my gosh, you're welcome. I listen to the entire miniseries.

Oh, thank you. And I know that we're in a world of social distancing and the invisible enemy. So if, you know, when people are done listening to chewing the fat, they definitely need to be listening to dying for sex. Thank you for saying that, yes. I mean, look, these times, desperate times call for desperate measures. So definitely stay inside. keep yourselves away from, you know, it's a great way to avoid the weirdos, first of all, right?

No, I'm just kidding. I've been trying to do this my whole life. I've been preparing for this my whole life of avoiding weird people. But, yes, if you're up for, you know, by you're doing things around the house or you're cleaning or making your seventh meal for the kids like I was, just go ahead and take a listen. It's six episodes, and I think it's a really beautiful journey. It's not just about sex. Obviously, if you're going to listen out loud, I would do it not in front of children. the first three episodes are a little gratuitous and sexual, right?

But go for it. Break down the episodes. You know, let's talk, you know, usually when I talk to, when we talk to authors in the break room, I kind of, you know, go through the chapters. So let's do that with the miniseries of Dying for Sex. Oh, I love that. Episode one is episode, I just give me the first, your favorite part of each episode when I, when I tell you, you know, the title of the episode.

So episode one is titled Happy Ending. favorite part? I have to say favorite part and this is just the it's kind of the beginnings, right? It's where we launch off

and Molly goes into what it was really like to be super, super sick, stage four breast cancer, navigating, just being so ill some days.

We're on the ground, sick, not able to move her body. And when she decides to have an in-home massage come to soothe some of her ailments, she gets way more than she bargained for. And that is kind of fun. And just knowing this, going into this, she was very much okay with it. You know, she was very open to the experience

for those that are like, wait a minute, what's going on here, right? Have you had feedback on that? Of course, we get feedback. Of course, everybody has an opinion, right? Here, let me answer, let me answer some of those for you just a second. I want to answer those people that are giving you feedback on the happy ending from the massage. Yeah, go for it. Shut up. Exactly, right? Thank you for that.

You're welcome. Molly's experience, Molly's journey, obviously, in the, you know, I don't know, the world that we're living in now with sexual assault and rape and like the Me Too movement, I am 100% on board, but this was Molly's

story, this was her experience. It was not that for her. So let's focus our energy on not trying to to thread a needle that's not there, right? Right? Okay. But that was my favorite part because I really do believe that the, the massage, first of all, I was super jealous because I've never gotten that.

But she did, and we kind of dove into that and what it meant for her. So it's really fun. Plus, there's some fun actions, some other sexual escapades within that episode that I think are definitely worth listening to. Well, let's, you know, as we're breaking down the chapters, really, I mean, that is the total package of dying for sex. is your friend Molly, you know, really just trying to figure out who she is and what life is. Oh, right?

I mean, that's really... Yeah. I think sex was sort of the entry point for her to figuring out who she was. And what you'll learn when listening to this is, yes, it is two girlfriends talking about sexual escapades and what it was like for her to kind of jump on this for sort of joyride for herself. but more than anything, I think for her, it was about reclaiming herself, tuning in with her body, and making up for some lost time that I feel like when she was younger she didn't get, which we get into in the later episodes and figuring out why the sex, right? Like, it's not a normal response for someone who's diagnosed with stage four breast cancer to say,

hey, I'm going to go for the sex. Like, that's going to be what I'm going to do. First of all, it's just not normally what happens when that medication hits your body. Usually it kind of knocks out. Your whole, yeah. For her, it just gave her this desire and she went for it. And so it's really a, it's not just about the sex. It's really about sort of finding yourself and finding out what wounds you want to heal, what, but just what things you want to finish, right? And experience before you leave this earth, which I think is also an interesting thing. That it's, everybody draws their line in the sand of what they think is important to them. But until. until you really have to deal with that terminal diagnosis, which I hope doesn't happen to anybody, but, you know, it does. But until you have to deal with that yourself, you don't really know what you're going to do in that situation. So I think if we could stop judging and just sort of look at the whole experience that Molly had, I think you can really kind of pull little parts of her story and use them for your own inspiration in your own life.

Episode two, adventures in dating. That's when we start finding out, you know, exactly, you know, how. How much dating is going on. Yeah. Lots. A whole lot. Hundreds and hundreds of men via Tinder, Instagram, Bumble. I mean, I don't even know all the dating apps.

I'm so boring. I don't know what they are. She put in some busy days. Yes. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. In a nightcap. Yeah, episode two is fun. I think, you know, I'm trying to remember which episode is which,

because for me, it's just my life with Molly. I'm trying to figure out which episode, but I do believe that we reach out to one of the gentlemen that she had an experience with. There is a guy. It's actually the first guy that Molly sort of, when she decided to leave her husband, she moved into an apartment that was actually very close to my house. And so all of her sexual journeys and escapades happened at these little bars and restaurants very near my house. So now when I drive by, I'm like, oh, that's where that happened. Oh, that's where that happened. episode two is a Toyota guy So yeah Toyota guy is one of my favorite

We reached out to him and he was very open to talking with us It's always interesting to get the other side of the story So Molly's version of the story was great But Toyota guy was such a bonus Because I didn't know what I was going to get When I picked up the phone and called a complete stranger Who hooked up with my friend three years ago But it was I think it's really worth listening to

And it's a good lesson and there are always You know two versions to the story and also not to make assumptions about people, right? Like, his story really kind of shines the light on the humanity of his own experience, which I think is really interesting. Episode three is a walk on the wild side. Oh, yeah. I'm sure you remember that.

I do. How could I not? I'll never forget the day she called me and said, so this guy just basically had me to kick him in the nuts. And I was like, wait, I'm sorry, for what? And so to find out the what and the how of that is really fun to listen to in episode three and figuring out these, that's where we get into sort of the kinks and the fetishes that these guys have and how

they come to Molly with them and what she got out of sort of pleasing them, but also for her, it was a real sense of control, I think, a real, like, it was kind of powerful to be in charge of someone else's pleasure, which is really interesting.

So that's episode three. Yeah, episode four is coming clean. And that's actually, I think, one of my favorites. Really? What did you like about it?

The fashion show. Yeah. You know, going back to New York and being with mom and her experience at the fashion show was just, you know, it was heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. Oh, yeah. That's funny. It's exactly how it felt when I was there experiencing it with her. So Molly gets into, so for those of you that haven't listened yet, Molly gets into a fashion show. sponsored by this cancer land and this metavit.

It's a medical company that's all about stage four breast cancer and trying to find a cure. And so Cancerland does this beautiful fashion show with women that are either recovering or dealing with breast cancer. So imagine New York Fashion Week runway and there's women of all colors and shapes and sizes and some of them have breasts and some of them don't. And they're all in lingerie sort of power walking down this runway. It was so amazing and powerful, but Molly's experience was very late. And we dig into that. And I think this is where the series takes a little bit of a turn where you start to really understand the humanity of Molly and why the sex was sort of her healing device and her way. And I think once you get to episode four, you really start to kind of settle into the series.

It's my favorite. It's my favorite moment. This is also when she decides that she's going, it's okay for people to know that I have. Well, you know, it's, yes, exactly. For her it was like this is, because she kept her cancer very private for very many years because she didn't want to over identify. Having been, you know, that, you know, touched my life as well, everyone goes through that, right? It's that I'm keeping it to myself. We don't want people to look at me different.

We don't want things to change. And it's obviously a different time for everyone, but everyone does come to that conclusion. Like, finally, you know, F it. I don't care. I have it. Get over it. Yeah. I think that that's where she hit.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Everybody's journey is different. Of course, the interviewer in me is like, ooh, tell me more. Like, I kind of want to know about you. You know? Like, I'm like, ooh. I want to know about that.

Do you want to share with that or not really? It was my first wife, and I've talked about it before on the podcast for people who have listened to Chew and the Fat. And it was a struggle. And, you know, I mean, obviously that struggle ended with her passing away, my oldest son's mother. But it was, you know, it was definitely that same point. You know, I'm not, you know, I don't want people.

look at me different. I don't want people to know. I know it's going to do this. And then you get, like I said, you get to that point where, you know what? Tough. I got it. Yeah. Yeah. And I think everybody gets to their point in their own time. And I think being the partner of someone going through that is probably really difficult. And that's why a lot of people ask me about Molly's husband and what the situation was like with him. And even though, you know, he's been sort of, you know, just a point of the story that we don't really dig into a ton. Like, He's also had his own experience and also went through his own journey of being a caretaker and trying to figure out how to navigate things with his wife who was going through this. And so I always like to, even though this story is not about him, I always like to just acknowledge him sometimes because I know that this was not an easy journey for him and their relationship was very layered and very complicated.

But I mean, what marriage isn't, right? They're all layered complicated. Yes. Right. Yeah, that's what they are. But I was just wondering, I was like, yeah, I wonder, I didn't know when we released this podcast that so many men would resonate with this. And honestly, men that have dealt with what you have, which is losing their loved one to cancer, I didn't realize how many single men would gravitate towards this podcast because of obviously the sex and the kink and the excitement. But also just, I think we're all craving just beautiful human stories about the human experience.

And I was just blown away by all the men that gravitated towards this. I was very pleased and very excited because I think Molly, all she wanted was her story to be told and for it to affect people. And it really has. So episode five is The Love Letter. And now we're getting close to, you know, you go into your series knowing that you have six shows, right? So you have six episodes. So you know going into Five, the Love Letter, that we're getting close to the end, both. to the podcast and the story, right?

Right. Yeah, the love letter is very, every time I start for this episode, I just, because I know we're inching towards the end and the end of this journey and it's so beautiful and painful, it's so bittersweet all at the same time, but the love letter, I think one of my most favorite parts of this is that you really, really start to get Molly as a whole. Like you start to really, I mean, becoming a whole is episode six, but number five is the beginnings of that. You really start to understand what she's craving, what she wants, how she wants to navigate her own death. And I found that to be so empowering is that we get to choose. We get to

choose what we do with our time. We get to choose how we live our lives and we get to choose how we navigate. Sometimes if we're lucky enough, how we get to navigate our last few months with the people that we love. And episode five for me is the beginnings. We plant the seeds of that. And that's my favorite part. Well, it comes full circle, right? I mean, in the beginning, she, Molly was struggling and it seemed like she wanted, didn't want anything to do except for you, Nikki, her best friend, you know, didn't really want anything to do with anyone that she knew, right? I mean, that's why she was going through, you know, every dating site known to man. And, you know, we are hooking up at breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and a nightcap. And by the end, we've come, you know, full circle,

right. We're back to where we just, we want to be with the people that we love and know us. Right. And we want really intimate, connected relationships. And I think through her sexual escapade, she realizes that she really does want love and does want that. And I think the sex, going through the sexual journey allowed her to get to that point, right? She had to go through that to get to this. And I think finding that, I mean, that's what we all want really in life is just love, whatever it looks like. However, we get it. We just want. want that beautiful, just love. And I think, I don't know, I left that part.

So everyone will have their own, you know, experience as you're listening to the podcast and you get to, you know, the end of number six, the conclusion episode. But this is with you and Molly, Nikki. But, you know, you're the tour director of the ride. So when we get to, when do we get the chapters and the episodes about what was going on with you when Molly was going, was going, doing what she was. she was doing. Well, that is, thank you for asking that. I think when Molly and I first started this project, our full intention was for there to be a season two, right? To get into that, we wanted to

talk about where I was in my journey while she was going through this and kind of open it up to more of the friendship and kind of dig in a little deeper, but sadly, we did not get that experience. So we were really, we had lots of, we'd always say, oh, that's season two. Or we'll get into that in season two. And I think season one was exactly what it was supposed to be. And it ended in the most, I think, profound, beautiful way ever. And for those of you who haven't listened, there's one thing to, it's one thing for me to say, oh, listen to episode six, you'll really get a lot of beauty and poignant messages

through someone's sort of final days. It's another thing to really sort of just sit and listen to it. So if you think you know what you're getting into, I'd say just give it an opportunity and listen to it because I think it's really powerful. Don't sell the series short. Exactly. Don't just jump in. Don't just dive into the pool. Exactly.

Start with one. And then the time you're done, you'll be swimming in the pool. Don't just jump in. I love it. Yeah, we'll be swimming in the pool. Yeah, don't just jump in. And we've all got time. Don't tell me you don't have six extra hours to sit and listen to a podcast.

I promise, right? Thank you. Yeah, but episode six was just beautiful. And I think moving forward, you know, Molly did write a book and I'm working on getting that published right now. And she talks a lot about her book through episode five and six that that was really, I mean, honestly, that was really what was kind of keeping her tethered to this world, was finishing that book. So I'm doing my best to keep my promise. I think I will probably supplement the book a little bit with some of my own chapters, hopefully. And there are some more stories to tell.

And I'm excited about where this is going to lead, but there's definitely, there's more out there that's kind of. So how much, now the last episode, it's been a year, right? It's been a year. Is it already? Wow. Yeah, it's been, oh, just I think, it's a week and a half of just being a year. Yeah, it's crazy. So you put this all together post-Molly moving on? Well, it was during the, it was actually during, during, during, and after. It was Wow. I know. It was healing and in a way helpful at times because I really felt like after she had passed away,

it was such a deep connection that I have with her. I get to hear her voice and work with her every day. But I have to say the day that episode six released and was open to the world to listen to, in a weird way, it felt like, ah, I'm getting emotional. It almost felt like she died all over again. So it was very healing, but also hard. It's been very difficult. But the most prominent feeling, I think, is just I'm so proud of her.

Like, I just feel so filled up with her. And even though she's not here, I feel so connected to her and so proud of her story. And I don't think either of us ever thought it would turn in. into this and I think it's it's exactly how it was meant to be and Wondry who produced the podcast had so much to do with that of creating this beautiful well-rounded story about Molly and just uh I felt with gratitude really so how much is made you know is laying around on the cutting room floor I mean are we going to get the dying for sex outtakes you know what it's funny there was not a lot left on the cutting room floor

It's funny because we recorded, you know, disclosure, when we recorded these episodes, Molly was looking back, I don't think I realize how sick she was in the moment, right? Because it becomes your new normal. But during the podcast recordings, we would go to the studio and we'd have to pull over regularly because she would be so ill. And so the fact that she was stepping up and sitting in front of the mic and laughing and being funny, this was literally like the, you know, six months before she was. confined to the hospital. So it all happened. You know, when people pass away, it feels very slow in one respect, right? Because it's day to day, but at the other, in the other part of you, feels like it's happening so quickly because it's just in front of your face. At times, just rushing by. But yeah, I don't think I knew looking, I don't think I knew how sick, really sick she was. I mean, of course I knew because I'm her best friend, but I don't think I realized where it was going and how quickly it was going to go that way. So there wasn't much left on the cutting room floor because we didn't have the opportunity to record as much as we would have liked.

But the episode six where we record from her hospice bed, I think, is some of the most powerful storytelling from her that I've ever heard. Oh, thank you. So I started this interview out with talking about, you know, the question, if you found out you were going to die today, what would you do differently? And of course, you know, we all know that the answer or should realize that the answer should be, well, nothing. I'm doing everything I want to do right now, which for most of us isn't true. Are you living that way now or are you still struggling to reach that? Well, I'm a little bit closer because of her, I have to say. One thing that I think that we can all take from this is time.

Like our relationship to time is so interesting. Like, I'll get to that. Or we make a, you know, a list of things that we want to do that are really important. And we always put them off. And so I think the underlying message for myself that I'm trying to still really implement to my day-to-day life. And for everyone else is, what are you doing with the time you have left? Because as morbid as it sounds, we are all dying. We are all.

Right. But so I guess to reframe that is. We just don't have the stamp of one to two years, two to three months, eight months to 12, whatever the case is. Right. And at the end of the day, I don't think Molly really even thought that she only had two to three years. I think she thought maybe, you know, five to ten or possibly 15. And I guess my... It's just still way out there.

Right, right. You can't see it from here. It's fine. Exactly. But I guess what are you doing about the time you have left? So for me, it's about, it's not about the sex part. I mean, sex is great. I love it.

But for me, it's about really connecting with people. It's about traveling and seeing, experiencing other places. And so I just ask people in this moment, like, what is really important to you? And where are you not okay with leaving? But like, what stone, all the stones should be turned, right? Like, don't wait until to get a terminal diagnosis to make that moment in your life where you say, oh, my gosh, I want to do this. So just really get clear about what it is that makes you happy. make that list and do it.

Like, for example, it's going to sound so frivolous and silly, but I love live music. I love it. But I never go to concerts. So I'm like this hypocrite walking around. Like, I love live. So I bought 10 tickets to different concerts. Now, I really kind of messed up because nobody expected the coronavirus to really stop, you know, what are you going from it?

But I bought 10 different tickets to 10 different concerts for the next year and a half because why not? Like, what are you waiting for? So if there's something you want, And there's something that's important to you. I say, just go for it. Do it. If there's a relationship that's not working, get out of it.

If there was a relationship that needs to be watered, then water it. Like, what are you waiting for? Go for it, do it, love it, and live it. And along the way, it'll get messy. It's always messy, but be okay with that too. So how often, it's been a year since we lost Molly and obviously since you lost it and Nikki, how often have you gone to caller or gone to text her or said left the house going, I'll just stop by?

That is such a good question. Yeah, you know, that's a beautiful question. I have her phone, which is interesting. Like, it's next to my, right where I'm sitting, it's next to my bedside table. And it's not working anymore, obviously, but I could still put my hand around her phone where her hands used to be and I grab it every night and I just kind of hold it. I used to call her, now I sound like a creepy stalker, but I used to call her voicemail just to hear her voice, but now it's not there anymore. So it's very often that I say, oh, Molly, or there's an inside joke that nobody else will get that only she would get.

But I have to say it's really sad. I cry a lot, but I very much feel her with me. And I think that's because I got to be so present with her, sort of walking her to her last days. And that is such a gift. So for any of you out there that are caretakers, and it gets ugly and messy and it's not pretty always, but just really try to be present with the person that you're with because it's such a gift to be able to be with someone during their last parts of their life. It's one of the things I thought was I found fascinating with the series. is I thought a lot of what brought Molly to the forefront was the best friend not being so not being judgmental on any of it, just being there for her. Yeah.

That was great. Thank you. I'm just busy patting you on the back. I love that. I love a good pat on the back. I will take it. I had little moments of judgment, but overall, I really trusted her, right? You just have to trust that someone's going to figure out their own journey and not try to control their own.

their own stuff. And she's just a really smart, intuitive person. So I did trust her. But there were moments where I was like, girl, what are you doing? Like, what is happening? But I just trusted that it was part of her journey. So the podcast is dying for sex with Nikki Boyer and her best friend, Molly. Nickyboyer.com. You can go and check on Nick's what's going on there. Thank you so much for my chewing the fat. I really appreciate it. I enjoyed your work. It was great. appreciate your time. I love your beautiful open heart to listen to this podcast. Thank you for everything. And if you want to know more about the show or more about Molly's book, you can also follow me at Nikki Boyer, and I'll keep you guys all posted. And this is just such a wonderful show. Thank you so much for

having me. Be sure to subscribe to Chewing the Fat with Jeff Fisher. You can subscribe on any platform that warms the little inside of your hearts. And you can just choose one. It doesn't matter, iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, Iheart radio, just not SoundCloud. So subscribe to Chewing the Fat. You know, if you're struggling and you think, I don't know what platform I should use, just go to the blaze.com slash podcasts, click on Chewing the Fat, and it'll come up with a plethora of podcasts that you can subscribe on, with platforms you could subscribe on. And just don't choose SoundCloud, okay? And don't forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel, Chewing the Fat with Jeff Fisher. I mean, busy subscribing you might as well subscribe to that too right