Chewing the Fat with Jeff Fisher - Stupid Spring Jokes, Crazy Coffee Quizzes & Bum Booties 3/21/15

Episode Date: March 21, 2015

Today on The Jeff Fisher Show, Jeffy explains how you can make a quick buck with a banana if your on government assistance. Jeffy also "starts his own conversation" about Starbucks' new and ridiculous 'Relations Reality Check’ quiz. Plus, more stupid news, cool tech stuff, two-line Spring jokes and how find out your 'Super Villain' name! All that & more on The Jeff Fisher Show!Jeff Fisher is live from 6am to 8am ET, Saturday. Listen for free on TheBlaze Radio Network: www.theblaze.com/radio Follow Jeff at twitter.com/JeffyMRA Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Life signs stable. It's alive. Set it loose. This is the Jeff Fisher Show on the Blaze Radio Network. Spring is in the air Everywhere I look around Yeah Winner's over baby

If you're getting snowed on or iced up Or anything like that It isn't real Because spring is in the air And you feel it? Smell it? Yeah Spring is in the air

Welcome to it on the Blaze Radio Network Nice to have you along Man, we got a lot of stuff to cover today All kinds of tech stuff The world is on fire We might not get too much of the world on fire The rest of the shows all We'll cover the world on fire

And you know, I got it They ran They want their nukes We're going to keep talking There's nothing left on the table They just keep stretching it out I got it Russia, Ukraine, Europe's on fire, the dollar's going down.

We owe China a bunch of money. And the world and the United States is perfect because of our president. I got it. I got it. But then I read a story that perfectly, perfectly explains our world. A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California. when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced toward him and out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a brioni suit, Gucci shoes, rayban sunglasses, and a YSL tie. Leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, if I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf? Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, sure, why not?

The yuppie parks his car. Whips out his iPhone, which he feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. He then opens the digital photo in the Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives the data through the phone. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report. Turns to the cowboy and says you have exactly 1,586 cows and calves. Well, that's right. You can take one of my calves.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf? The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, okay, why not? Bud says you're a congressman for the U.S. government. Wow. That's correct. How did you guess that? No guessing required.

You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew. To a question I never asked, you use millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are. And you don't know a thing about how working people make a living. Or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. That give me back my dog. That, my friends, is our...

Congress at work. It's a beautiful thing. Now, when you talk about all the stuff that he did there to figure out the herd of, well, his thought was cows, just sheep, it makes you wonder what's going on in the world. There's so much tech stuff going on in the world. And I see a story that talks about technology use in the emerging world. And it talks about the ten things that's going, you know, ten top things that are going on in right. the world. Number one, almost one, some of these are actually fascinating.

Almost no one in Nigeria, Ghana or Bangladesh or Uganda owns a landline telephone. That's amazing. The numbers, I'm ready to get rid of mine. The only reason I have a landline is because it came in the deal with my cable package, which is my contract with my cable company is almost up. And it's going to be gone soon. Chinese internet users love to shop. About half of online Chinese have used the internet to buy products in the past year.

I mean, I can tell you, I buy things online all the time. All jokes aside, serious commerce has done on the internet. Filipinos love social networking among adult internet users in the Philippines, 93% 3% say they use social networking sites. Indians and Bangladeshis use the internet for job hunting. Pretty fascinating. Young ties are internet enthusiasts. Younger people, ages 18 to 34, are substantially more likely to say they use the internet than those who are older.

Really? Politics is a big social media topic in Lebanon. Of course. Ukrainians get their political news online. Maybe we should start doing that here in the states more and more. Nearly eight in ten Russians own a computer. Nearly eight in ten Russians own a computer. Venezuelans like taking pictures and videos with their phone.

I mean, if you have a phone, who doesn't, right? I mean, Americans are quite keen on capturing the world around them with more than six in ten mobile owners in. Chile, Mexico, Argentina, Brazil, and Nicaragua saying they have taken videos or pictures with their phones. Amazing. And many polls access medical information online, especially women. Now, that's happening here more and more. I mean, you can easily get, there's several really good apps for your phones that will give you all kinds of medical advice and give you information on prescriptions, on diagnoses, which is what they want, by the way.

Just get the app on your phone. You don't really need a doctor. Wait, what? And then, of course, we have the story of people getting all wound up because people are using the EBT cards. Not for food. What? They're trading them for drugs? Now, according to a sheriff in Florida, he is saying that it's actually working.

worth more than cash, the EBT cards. I, you know, I find that hard to believe. It's just as good as cash. There's no way that you're going to get more for your money with the EBT card. It's just not going to happen. If I'm a drug dealer, no way am I saying, you know, you have $100 worth of goods on your EBT card. I'm not giving you $100 worth of drugs or goods if you aren't going to use it for what it's supposed to be used for.

You're going to get, I'll tell you, you know, I'll give you $75 and then I'll take the card and I'll use it for the $100 or I'll trade it again. That's been going on forever. I'm not, you know, these, some of the sheriffs need to get up to pace a little bit. I mean, even when they had actual, when I was in the grocery business back a thousand years ago, you know, they had food stamps, not the cards, but the actual money. And you would, you would issue them. And the only thing that you could get change from actual money from was the dollars.

So you could use, you know, if you had $100, you had $5.20s. Okay. So you used that and you would get change back in food stamp money. Stores had to have all the food stamp money along with real cash. It was the cards have got to be far superior because then you're not getting real cash back. However, what some of the... I mean, they busted people a lot over the year. Stores that would take, give you 50 cents on the dollar for a food stamp.

For a food stamp dollars, you give them a $20. They give you $10 cash so you could go buy whatever you wanted. Most people, I'm guessing, were using it for some sort of drug. And the drugs, the alcoholics that just wanted to buy alcohol, the liquor, we used to have a, there used to be a lady that would come in with $1 food stamps and she would buy a banana so that the banana was whatever, we'll say a quarter, and then she would get $0.75 cents back because she would use her dollar food stamp bill and get $0.75 cash back, real money, so that she could just build up.

And she would just go through the line and at the time, I'm like, come on. I mean, we got to, there's got to be some kind of, there was no real rule that said she couldn't just keep going through the line. So, you know, I was like, okay, once an hour. All right. If you're going to, you're going to try to, you're going to kind of get out me, you're going to try to do me for some cash so you can go buy some liquor. You go, you go ahead and buy a banana, go through the line, and then, you know, once an hour, okay? I'll set my own rule for you. You get, you come through once an hour, you get a banana, you get your cash back.

she wasn't very happy about that. However, amazingly, she did it. So this has been going on for a long time. So I don't know that you get around that except that you maybe try to get less people on the electronic benefit transfer cards. Maybe try to find them jobs so that they actually have some money to do business. So maybe we do that. Or we just keep giving more and more EBT cards out. That's all.

No problem, right? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter at all. Now, today is the first day of spring. So I got to, someone sent me a link to the 25 best two-line jokes. If you follow this broadcast, we'd like to have some broadcast dedicated to humor jokes to get you through

so it's not I don't know that I'm calling this the entire joke Saturday but you know it's the first day of spring right it's the spring so it's let's spring into two line jokes to get you through spring and you can take them with you so every break I thought I gave you a couple of

a few two line jokes to take with you for the day and you know you can chuckle to yourself So we'll start out with three of the best two-line jokes here on the first day of spring on the Blaze Radio Network. Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet. My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. then they call me ugly and poor. This is the Jeff Fisher Show on the Blaze Radio Network. Are you looking to save 50, 60, even 70% on your phone bill? Well, here's a tip. Broadvoice.com. Hi, it's Bradstags of Blaze TV here. Broad Voice offers high-quality phone service for only $8.95 a month.

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This is the Jeff Fisher Show. Welcome to it. 888-90333 is the phone number. 888-903-33 is the phone number if you'd like to participate in the broadcast, as we are. broadcasting on the Blaze Radio Network. The blaze.com slash radio. Immediately following this broadcast, Mike O'Pelka, pure O'Pelca coming up, and then Glenn Beck weekend, a little rewind on the week,

catch up on a little few things that happened on the broadcast over the week, and then Chris Salsato, Mike Slater, Joe Pags, all live on the Blaze Radio Network. A Saturday lined up especially for you, and a special Saturday for Pure O'Pelka, Michael Pelka, as it is his one-year anniversary. What year anniversary of Pure Opelka on the Blaze Radio Network? So, congratulate Mike.

He's gone a year. I'm not sure what his giveaway will be today for his anniversary. I mean, so many huge things you could give away on an anniversary. I mean, I don't know what he's giving away. tune in and listen. You might be lucky with, you know, you might get autographed Q-tips, the stunt brain Q-tips. You might get iron-on tats, the Bureau Pelka iron-on tattoo, something.

But listen, immediately following this broadcast and receive that possible free gift from Michael Pelka. Now on to health on the Blaze Radio Network. But allergies. Everybody's got them. And my gosh, since we moved to Texas, it's been an allergy world in Texas. Florida seemed to be kind of allergies. I mean, there were plenty of people that had them. But I never, you know, was surrounded by so much of it.

And then we lived in Pennsylvania and I lived in New Jersey. It wasn't bad. It wasn't too bad. And then came to Texas and, wow. We live in North Texas and the allergy world. Everyone I know has allergies and they're breathing and stuffed up and clod.

And I don't know that it has to do with, you know, this, if you're familiar with the terrain and the topography of the United States of America, this particular area is like a wind tunnel. Man, this North Texas and South Oklahoma, man, it was a wind tunnel through here. So perhaps everything is blowing in from the West. It might be smart not to breathe.

However, kids allergies, and you know how bad it is, but they're saying the one downside. They had a study in Sweden involving over 1,000 kids. And they've found that, you know, we always say we've talked about it forever about kids getting dirty. Let's go out, get dirt. but, you know, eat dirt, play in the dirt, do whatever, and get yourself immune to some of these, you know, and play, get some germs.

And we talk about how bad it is a number of times, you know, to have the antibacterial cream to wash your hands. You know, it's, oh, dirt's okay. You know, it's okay to have a little dirt in your life. I personally am not big on it, but when I was a kid, I guess I was because it was, you know, just get outside and leave. again, it was my parents saying,

just get outside and don't come back. But that's another story in itself. But dirt. So now they're saying, what's the dirtiest thing in your house? What do you think? I was thinking, okay, toaster. How many times you clean your toaster?

That's just a helpful. A reminder from the Jeff Fisher Show on the Blaze Radio Network. What's the last time you cleaned your toaster? Over again, it's got the little slides underneath there and then you can open up the grate on the bottom and you can you know bang out those bread crumbs that have been toasted and burned and sitting down there for a thousand years just go ahead and do that today and think of me while you're doing it okay empty the trays rents

them off open the grate on the bottom bang it on the sink get the crumbs down the garbage disposal wipe it off get those crumbs out of that toaster just for me today okay all right the dirtiest thing that can microwave, no. Refrigerator handles, microwave handles, oven handles, no. Counters, no. Cutting boards, no. You guess it yet? The dishwasher.

Wait, what? The dishwasher? Yes. Our dishes are too clean. Too clean. We're not allowing enough germs in our children's lives. Too clean. Either wash them by hand or just let them eat on dirty dishes again.

But stop using. the dishwasher. The dishwasher is making things too clean, and then it creates an environment where we can't have immunities, and they have all these allergies. So thank you for that study from Sweden. Appreciate it. Very, very much. Yeah, appreciate it. And of course, there's a big plan. I'll go ahead and Tweed HHS has got a big thing going on now where they want to have vaccine schedules for adults. be ready for that. That's coming down the plane. I'll email this up, but you can sign up and say stop them.

And you have until the 23rd couple days away to sign up and stop the wonderful Department of Health and Human Services from having a plan for adult immunizations, keeping you on track for that. What a wonderful thing. And I leave you with Spring. The Jeff Fisher Show, best two-line jokes. Two more for you. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter. It's not going to come.

Someone's told my Microsoft Office, and they're going to pay. You have my word more and mere moments on the Jeff Fisher Show here on Blaze Radio Network. The Jeff Fisher Show, the Blaze Radio Network. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to it. 88890333 is the phone number. I can't take the Starbucks thing. I'm sorry. I wasn't going to talk about it. I got other things to discuss with you this morning and beyond, but I can't take it. Then I go to the Blaze and they're showing me, you know, Dana Lash had the race relations reality check, your race quiz. Then they still want, Starbucks is doubling down with their hashtag race together campaign. How about we hashtag race track campaign? And I get my coffee there. How about that?

How about I hashtag backup off me? Okay. Do not. Oh my gosh. I do not. First of all, Starbucks. Really? You have 12,000 stores.

You're going to double down on this? I know for a fact, I shouldn't break this because Starbucks will probably come down hard. But I know here in the metroplex of where I live, the particular Starbucks closest to the Mercury Studios most definitely have not started the race together campaign. they want especially in the AM when there's plenty of people in line waiting to get their coffee waiting to get their order they just keep the line moving people don't want to talk about things

people don't want to talk about things that are important when they're in the line of coffee just give me the coffee I know I know we have to all get along I know I know I know I know the country's on fire. I know. I know I've got to care about my kids' education and the Board of Education.

I know. I know I have to worry about the local politics and my taxes and the federal politics and the government and the congressmen, the senators, and the state reps, and the state sentence, and the city councilmen. I know. I know I have to be concerned about following all kinds of regulations and laws. I know. I know.

I just want my French vanilla cappuccino, please. That's all. I came here. I want my French vanilla cappuccino. I want to leave. Take my money. And I want to leave.

If you're going to continue, I'm going to racetrack. Okay? Oh, but Jeff, I'm going to Dunkin' Donuts. But Jeff, those places are just not as good of coffee you at Starbucks?

Yeah, they are. Well, how come you come to Starbucks then? I don't know, maybe because there's 12,000 stores in every corner I turn. There's a Starbucks, so I figure, hey, it's easy. I'll go here. It's convenient. I'll get my friends vanilla cappuccino here. But if you're going to continue to give me the race relations reality check, where do you stand?

Use these conversation starters with your family and friends. My parents had blank friends of a different race. I have blank friends of a different race. My children have blank friends of a different race. Blank members of a different race live on my block or apartment building. I most often talk to someone of another race at work, church, home, shopping, school. In my Facebook stream, blank percentage are of a different race. In the past year, I have been to the home of someone of a different race, blank times.

In the past year, someone of a different race has been in my home, blank times. At work, we have managers of blank different races. In the past year, I have eaten a meal with someone of a different race, blank times. Now what? Answer these questions and be a part of this conversation, hashtag race. together. How have your racial views evolved from those of your parents? Did you have a childhood friend of a different race that you've lost touch with? Why? What is America's greatest race challenge? Now, I could answer every one of those. And I could answer them, seriously,

or I could make a joke of them. How have your racial views evolved from those of your parents? Well, I thought they evolved quite a bit, but since people like you continue to drive home the fact that we have to be concerned about race every damn minute of the day, I think we've gone backwards. We haven't evolved at all. Did I hear my parents and my relatives use racial slurs? Yes. Even as a child, I said, that's not that. No, no. I go to school and play sports and no.

Did I say something to my dad and my uncle? Guess what? Not as a kid. No. I didn't want to land on my butt. I kind of wanted to remain standing and drinking my soda. Okay? Did you have a childhood friend of a different race that you've lost touch with?

Why? Yes, and guess what? I've had childhood friends of the same race and different genders that I've lost touch with because why? Oh, I don't know. I evolved. I moved away.

They died. What is America's greatest race challenge? People like you that keep drudging up the damn race challenge. We've been divided so much in the last 10. years that whatever we gained 30 years prior has almost come apart. Do I think it's completely apart? No, I don't. Because if we go back to the question that was part of the race relations reality check

where it says, uh, blank members of a different race live on my block or apartment building, I don't know. Let's see. My neighborhood. My gosh, different races in my neighborhood. Let's just start with my street, okay?

Sure. One, two, let's see. Three black families. A family from Mexico. One, two, three families from America that are white in your eyes. And guess what? All the kids play with each other. We talk.

We have fun. We've gone into each other's homes. It's amazing what happens. when we just are part of our neighborhood. And you know what else? There's a lot of times when everyone just wants to be left alone on their own property, in their own home, because that's what they have, and that's what America is for. Pull into your driveway.

Wave to your neighbor. Do you want to talk today? No. I want to get my mail and go in the house and be left alone. Okay? If you want to be outside, pulling your weeds, you go. right ahead. I am not doing that today.

I can't. I have to breathe now because I'm really about to get really angry. I am so appalled at having things rammed it down my throat, especially this

race division that's been brought up in this country. Do we have some problems? Oh, you know, we have to do the obligatory. Do we have problems? Yeah, of course we have problems. Yeah. Yes, of course. There's always, yeah, yeah, we do.

Yeah, we do. But guess what? It's not the 60s anymore. It's not the 50s anymore. Everyone does have a chance. Everyone can succeed. Everyone can just become, you know, have a chance to succeed and be great. Or you could have a good job and raise a family and live in a nice neighborhood.

And it doesn't matter. Because if you have a nice job and you work hard, you can live in a good job. you can live anywhere you damn well want. Because guess what? It's America. And that's one of the things that makes America America. It's not China. We're not telling you you have to live here and you have to do that and you have to go here.

No, not yet. But if we continue to divide, that's what's going to happen. And it'll be, oh, my gosh, it'll be blamed on, oh, because we had all these divisions. No, it's because you and you know who you are, they, them. the race baiters, you know who you are. And I know that it sounds cliche. Can't we all just get along? You know what?

For the most part, we do. We do. Everyone gets along. Why? Because everyone wants to just go to the store and get their groceries and say hello and pay for them and go home. And everyone wants to go, oh, you know what? I'm really thirsty and I need some caffeine today. and maybe a muffin.

So I'll stop in to, I'll go to this drive-thru, Starbucks, and I'll stop in, and I'll get my French vanilla cappuccino. And by the way, I wish someone would deliver me a French vanilla cappuccino because I could really use one right now. Because I've mentioned it about eight times, and it sounds fantastic right now. So just deliver it outside, set it outside the building, and I'll be out there in a couple minutes and take up my French vanilla cappuccino. That'd be great.

Thank you. and I just want to get my coffee. Just want to get my coffee. Let me have my little muffin. Let me pay for it. And let me be on my way. Thank you. Have a nice day.

I don't care if the person behind the counter, behind the window is black, red, yellow, blue, wears an outfit, dresses like Spider-Man, dresses like Wonder Woman, who's a guy that dresses like Wonder Woman. I don't care. I really don't. Will I comment if the guy? guy is dressed like Wonder Woman, you bet. You bet. I will not let something like that go. And it doesn't matter whether the guy dressed like Wonder Woman is red, yellow, black, blue, green. I don't care.

I do care that, dude, you're dressed like Wonder Woman? What are you doing that for? Oh, really? No, that's kind of cool. Is that my French vanilla cappuccino and a muffin? Yeah. Thank you. Have a good day. Good luck. Here we go. This is the Jeff Fisher Show on the Blaze Radio Network. The Jeff Fisher Show is on. Hawaii, yes, yes it is. 888-9033-93 is the phone number. We've got plenty more to go today.

I mean, tremendous stories on technology, the future, and some really good things on. I've got a supervillain tease. You can figure out your new super villain names. and one in particular is very telling, very telling, and how they do it is kind of strange, but they do do it, and it comes out kind of almost like they knew it would come out that way. So there's a way for you to create your own little supervillain name. We've got some worst war zones.

I've got some great EPA stuff. I've got a naked man in the behind his door at the house in Charlotte. People are a little upset with him. I don't know why. Why can't you be in your house naked? Why? We'll get to that story as well. First, let me tell you about simpletelose.com.

I can tell you from personal experience, how important. nutrition is all kinds of aspects to your health. One of the great things about simple to lose and habits of health is that you need to eat six times a day. I know when they first got with me three years ago, they were like, can you eat six times a day? Yes. Now, you have to eat every three hours, and it's a matter of how much you eat. But it is really nice. And it's good to get up in the morning in that first 30 minutes.

It's get something started, get your body ready to go. You know, in the first six months, I lost like 120 pounds. Now, I've put some of that weight back on because I've been lazy, and I decide that choices have consequences, and some of the choices I may have consequences, but the wrong way. Now, you want to make some choices? You want to feel good about yourself? I got a Facebook message from someone who's been on the program now

who lost 125. pounds. Fantastic. It can do it. And not only do you have to lose a bunch of weight, even if you have a little bit of weight to lose, or you want to get healthy, habits of health, and simple to lose.com. Simple to the number two lose.com. You know, diets aren't going to work, right? You starve yourself, you lose some weight, and then immediately put it back on. So one of the best things that Simple to Lose offers is a free health coach. go to simple to lose.com, sign up for the free health coach and get started today. All the health coaches have been through it.

They understand, listen, there are, you're not alone. You hear it on this broadcast and you hear it throughout the Blaze Radio Network. You're not alone. This is important to realize you're not alone. Simple to lose.com. Even when you're sitting there on the sofa, eating your half gallon of ice cream like many of us have, and you're thinking to yourself, I'm so depressed, why am I eating so much? I'm going to go have another half gallon of ice cream.

Okay? That's what you're thinking? You're not alone. Other people have thought it too. Simple to lose.com. Put down that ice cream. Sign up for that free health coach and get started becoming the you that you know is there. You've always wanted to do it.

You want to be there. Simple2.2lose.com. Simple the number two lose.com. And we've got to get back to more jokes. Oh my gosh. I've got the best two-line jokes ever. And it's the first day of spring. I mean, we've got to get back.

After that. This is the Jeff Fisher show. Only on the Blaze Radio Network. The experiment was a success. Begin Life Force reboot program. Now. Stand clear. Life signs stable.

It's alive. Set it loose. This is the Jeff Fisher show on the Blaze Radio Network. All right. 888903.33 is the phone number 888-903.33 is the toll-free number. It's toll-free anywhere. The continental United States of America. You can dial that number and not be charged one thin dime. 888-908-3093. You're welcome. Coming up immediately following this broadcast, Michael Pelka and Pure Elka.

Then we give you a little bit of Glenn Beck weekend, a little rewind, catch up on what happened this past week. And then Chris Salcedo, Mike Slater, and Joe Paggs go live on the Blaze Radio Network. And then Sundays, we're right back at it again with programming, David Barton, Bill Handel, Jackie D. Plenty of programming, all new programming on the Blaze Radio Network. And then weekdays, I mean, if you're not familiar with weekdays, you're not familiar with weekdays, You need to make yourself familiar with that lineup. Doc and Skip in the mornings. Glenn Beck, middays, Buck Sexton, noon, J. Severn afternoons,

Pat and Stew, late afternoon into early evening. My gosh, there's no place. Just theblaze.com slash radio. And once you're there, just lock it in. So lock it in at the Blaze Radio Network. You know, we've got so much... I don't know where to start. I really don't.

We can start with the guy in Charlotte that, you know, standing at his door naked. And everybody says, it's okay. It's okay. It's not illegal. Wait. What? Yep, it's not illegal.

A guy can stand in his door. It's been going on for years now. The one report, the lady says her daughter said she was going over, and I'm going to check and see if he's out there. So he's been standing inside his door and the house talking on the phone naked for forever. Who knows whether he gets off on it or not or whether it's just him wanting to be naked in his own house, right? Chiro House, man, Kings and Castle. I mean, how many, seriously, do you see many people naked as you're going through,

neighborhoods? No. No, you don't. Do you hope to? Well, maybe sometimes. I mean, if you're honest with yourself, maybe sometimes you do. I worked for a, oh boy, I'm thinking of this. I worked for a guy, a land surveyor. There was summer. I was out of work, a radio station gig I had, whatever. Yes, amazingly, I've been fired from radio stations. And so, you know, something to do. He was a really nice guy, Ed Murphy. I mean, nice man. And he and I,

his kids and my oldest boy grew up playing soccer and stuff together. And he owned a land surveying company. And he needed help for the summer. He was down a guy. And I said, yeah, I'll be whatever. I don't even remember if I got paid or if he gave him.

I don't even remember. I said, I'll help. Well, I'll do it. But I wanted to land. You know, so you go around and you survey. His main way to make a living was surveying property for mortgages. Right?

And you, and so you're all over neighborhoods and your survey property. And I'm thinking, you know, it's Florida. We're going to do a little land surveying around neighborhoods. Maybe we'll see some, you know, maybe we'll see some people sunbathing, naked, women. I'm a big fan of that. And I know it's a surprise. And so we were, you know, surveying and you trudged through. Backyards and sideyards, and you find out how much property you actually don't own as a landowner.

Most of it is the Kingsland. Just get used to that. And the only naked person I saw was a guy coming out of his house to jump in the pool one afternoon. Very sad. So it might have been this guy in Charlotte. He might have moved from Florida to Charlotte. And there's waters around naked. It's a disappointing summer.

Very disappointing summer. Anyway, so good luck. Good luck with that. And now the EPA, well, before I get to the EPA story, then we can get to some Dallas news of, why, why, why do you want to have butt injections? Why is it? I mean, is it the Kardashian effect? Is it a big, is it a big?

I mean, yes, it's a big thing, Jeff. It's a big thing. It's called butt injections. Everybody love to have the big butt now? Because now, I mean, people are dying. And if you're going to someone that isn't a licensed medical professional, you may want to rethink your priorities just a little bit. In Dallas, they're looking for someone who was working out of an eye.

eyelash extension shop. Who doesn't? Giving practicing medicine without a license, giving butt injections. The woman told police that she had to remove her pants and get out of a massage table. And then she attempted to ask questions about the procedure, such as what was in the injections. But she said she was not giving a good explanation. Really, the eyelash extension shop person didn't give you a good explanation on what was actually in the injections that you were allowing to happen to make your butt bigger. She sanitized my buttocks and began the injections.

The woman said she was injected with a total of seven syringes that were left in for the duration of. of the procedure. I'm just going to put these syringes in your butt, and we're going to squeeze down and get them in your butt. Then I'm going to let them hang there for a little while, okay? She felt intense pain. Huh. She was told maybe you ought to quiet down a little bit.

I know you're screaming, and, you know, we don't even know what the heck we're injecting into your butt, but you need to quiet down a little bit, okay? We've got some people getting the eyelash. extensions out front. The injection holes were then closed with super glue

and cotton balls. Okay. If you think, let's go, let's take, walk down this road with me for a little bit. Let's say, you know what, and I have no problem with facelifts and liposuction. You want to

do that, good for you. Go do it. Have at it. Have at it. I personally, I would get plastic surgery, A, if my wife allowed me to, for some reason she's against it, and B, if I thought I have a really addictive personality, so I know, I know that I'm like three plastic surgeries away from clown face. I know I am, I mean, because that's what happens. The first one, yeah, that looks good. That's what happens to the Hollywood.

The ones in the Hollywood that don't turn into clown face are the ones that you end up going, man, I can't believe she's 65 years old. Yeah, because she stopped. Or she didn't have any like she proclaims. Right. But you get one, you go, oh, that looks good. Yeah. Man, my eyes don't drip down there a little bit.

That's good. Maybe if I get one right here on my neck. Get rid of the little turkey net going on there. Bring up the cheeks a little bit. Yeah, that'll look good. Yes, it does. It looks great. Oh, you know what?

Those two are great. Maybe if I do a couple here, back here by the ears, tighten it up just a little bit back behind the ears, so it pulls up the jawbone just a little bit. A little bit up, yeah. Oh, that doesn't, that didn't come out just like I like it. Maybe I should, if I get another one and we cut right here. here just a side of the ear and tighten it up right there.

And then we come up and we get a couple around the lip here. And then that'll make what happened here disappear. So it'll look good. I'm telling you, above six or seven operations down the road, your clown face. And I know that. I'm there. So I don't want to even get started. I got it.

So let's think about getting a larger butt. You think to yourself, wow, that's invovalued. great now. I really, really want a big butt. And I probably already am on my way to a pretty large butt anyway, but I want a bigger butt

so that I can dance around and really look good for males and or females who really love a big butt. And then you say, well,

man, I don't know that I have insurance that will cover me getting a bigger butt. Maybe I'll check. I heard from Lucy that the girl down at the eyelash extension shop has an idea of how to make that happen. And you go to the eyelash extension shop and you say, excuse me, and the eyelash extension lady says, yeah, come back after five. I'll sanitize your butt

I'll shoot it up with some god-awful ingredients that you don't even know it might even be concrete and then I'll cover it up and we'll close those holes up with cotton balls and super glue but trust me it'll look really good when it's all done uh-huh

how proud are you now of that big butt with cotton ball superglued syringe holes clogged up. That's a good look right there. There's not a man or a woman in America that wouldn't say, oh, yeah. Just super glue,

cotton ball, stuffed holes on the butt. That is the first day of spring. And I got a little upset at Starbucks in the last hour. So we got to get back to the best two-line jokes. Someone sent me a link to the best two-line jokes. And I figure, hey, you got to get through spring, right?

Right. So let's get you through spring with a couple of jokes. And people are, you know, people are adding on, sending me tweets at Jeff EMRA of their favorite two-line jokes. You know, like, what do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. Thank you. And, of course, Of course, we had one sent to Jeffrey MRA.

What do you call a lizard that can't grow his tailback? Irruptile dysfunction. Now, those two jokes were not on my list. Amazingly, they were not on my... I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made it more sluggish. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag, you can run. But you can't hide.

It's you can hide, but you can't run. This is the Jeff Fisher Show. On the Blaze Radio Network. Fisher. Yes, it is on the Blaze Radio Network. If you go to the blaze.com slash radio, you can take a look and scroll down on that page and find different broadcasts that aren't necessarily on the Blaze Radio Network.

but we do provide podcast versions of different stuff. Yeah, all kinds of different stuff. One of them is myself and Aaron Hernandez's Walking Dead recap every Monday, talking walking dead right here. Just go to the blaze.com slash radio. Mondays, it's there. Monday afternoons. We do a little talking, walking dead.

And Aaron, of course, is the expert. I mean, he's read all the comic books. He watches the show. He's Mr. You know, he lets me realize that, hey, Jeff, you just watch the show, okay? You know, how smart about this is me? I got it. But it's more informative, and he gives you some information that you might not already have.

Yeah. But you just do that. There was a couple episodes left. So we got one hour this week, and then you've got the big two-hour finale of the season in two weeks. That'll be, that's really, I'm kind of excited to see that happen. So if you want to participate Monday afternoons, if 5 p.m. Eastern, if you dial that number that I just gave you 888-9093-33, you could participate in Talking Walking Dead with us. Huh.

Huh? Yeah. Kind of cool. So I'll tweet that out too at Jeffrey MRA and I'll put up on my Facebook page, Jeffrey Fisher. But Talking Walking Dead Mondays, we record that at 5 p.m. Eastern. So if you dial 888-90-033-93 at that time and want to talk a little bit of Walking Dead with us, myself and Aaron, on our Talking Walking Dead podcast, you can do so. I told you a little bit earlier about supervillain names, and someone sent me this page about supervillain names, and they have an idea of different, through the alphabet and numbers, what your super villain name would be. And you've got to go, first letter of your, you know, the first letter of your first letter of your first name represents something. The day you were born represents something. And the first letter of your middle name represents something. So, you know, myself, we'll see the first letter of your first name. Jay, so I would be killer, killer, swore. The day you were born, 29th, the immortal of lust.

Killer Sword, the immortal of lust. That's my super villain name. Huh? I kind of like that, actually. Now, there's up on my face. I'll share that on my Facebook page, so you can find out your super villain name. But I was thinking that it doesn't hold up because, you know, I mean,

J equals killer, last name, Fisher equals Sworn, day you were born the 29th equals the immortal. and your middle initial W of lust. So I was thinking, I wonder about our president what he would be. And if it fits, because that kind of fits with me. I'm okay with that. I'm good with, you know, killer sword, the immortal of lust. I've got him okay with that.

So Barack Obama, you know, since he's the most person, you know, the name we all know, right, Barack Obama. So you've got B equals dark. O equals dragon. He was born when August 4th, right? So the 4th equals the ruler. And his middle initial is what, H. Hussein, right, of time. So the super villain name for Barack Hussein Obama, our president of the United States of America, dark dragon

the ruler of time. Yeah, that's right. Just think about that a little bit. Okay, a couple more jokes to leave you with on this first day of spring. The best two-line jokes. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.

Even the cake was in tears. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State building. He yells, don't do it. You have so much potential. And I'll leave you with this. one. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar. The bartender gave it to her.

This is the Jeff Fisher Show. Only on the Blaze Radio Network. This is the Jeff Fisher Show. Welcome to it. 888-900-33-93. All right. A little real news for you. I know. I know. Relax. Relax. I'm not going to get a whole bunch of real news for you.

All right. But I just want to let you know that, you know, we're still talking, they still want to put together the Iran nuclear deal. That's great. That's great. I can't wait. And of the Islamic State Hacking Division. And I mean, I love how they're branching out and opening up new divisions of the Islamic

States. So now they have a, the Islamic State hacking division. A post-kill list of purported addresses of U.S. military members. Oh, well, is that special? Yes. Now, identifying themselves as the Islamic State Hacking Division, the group claimed to have obtained personal information of military personnel from compromised military servers, databases, and emails.

Couldn't have possibly come from a, just a silly email sent out from the State Department or anything like that, could it? No. No, that would just be stupid to think that. It would be stupid to think that they got any of that when the Centcom got hacked into a little while ago. Now, stop, Jeff. You're talking crazy talk now.

But I see that we need to realize that this is why stories like this, I like them personally, stories that it's talking about the worst war zones, world, the top war zones in the world right now. And I like them because it reminds me that war actually is not pretty. In fact, to quote Stu, Stu Brigere, the Pat and Stu program on this very network, the Glenn Beck program plays on this network, Stu Brigere.

I use war is not good. War is not good. But one of the things that we need to realize, I think, is we need to hopefully come to grips with maybe we just take a lot of death that wants to be done and end this stupid thing with ISO, ISIS, whatever. We found out this week that we're bombing seven times a day. day, a week, or whatever. It's like we're doing nothing to stop these guys. And now they're posting lists of addresses,

home addresses for their brethren in the U.S. to threaten. I mean, that's threatening murder on U.S. soil against U.S. military members. Enough. And, you know, I get the fight of they just,

you know, they keep prodding and pushing and pushing and want that fight. Well, I hope, I hope that when they finally do put that little bitty straw that breaks the camel's back that little bit straw that goes

one more little straw and the camel goes I can't take any more and flattens out I hope we have the strength to end it and stop pussyfooting around so that they realize

that they actually have awoken a soul sleeping giant. But the world's 15 worst war zones are the death toll the death toll in the world's most brutal conflicts climbed by more than 28% last year. The most brutal conflicts

climbed almost 30%. In Syria, worse than all others for the second year running, more than 76,000 people were killed in Syria last year. 76,000 people were killed in Syria last year, and they'll blame that all on Assad. Around 21,000 lives were lost in Iraq in the last year, as the government fought with,

who was they fighting within Iraq? Who were they fighting within Iraq? Oh, yeah, ISIL. Approximately 14,638 were killed in Afghanistan. That's up. And I read today where the head of Afghanistan is coming to Washington, D.C., and I'm guessing that he's going to ask for military assistance. Huh.

Who would have seen that one coming? Nigeria was the fourth deadliest conflict with 11,529 fatalities. Wow. Boko Haram in charge there, baby. Doing some damage. Wow. Fighting between rebels and government forces in South Sudan killed 6,389 people. last year, and they're both accusing each other of, you know, ethnic-based atrocities,

rapes, child soldiers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all doing it both sides and just kill each other and have fun with it. The conflict between Pakistan and the Pakistani Taliban killed 5,496 people. The Pakistani Taliban, according to this, are allied with the Afghan militants of the same name. G. Jihadist ideology.

Oh, wonderful. That could be. Fighting in Sudan killed 5,335 people last year. Wow. Sudan and South Sudan still remain among the world's deadliest wars. If they had remained unified, the combined death toll would be higher than Afghanistan. Yendo Kitting. Fighting in Ukraine took the lives of 4,707 people last year.

and there's probably more coming there, that's for sure. It's not going to get any better. The conflict in Somalia, 4,447 last year. That's with al-Shabaab. Who doesn't love a little al-Shabaab in the morning? Fighting in Central African Republic claimed 3,347 lives last year. That's up. Fighting between rival groups in Libya claimed 2,825 people.

Great. That's up dramatically this year in Libya. We say we conquered. He's dead. Yeah. Everything's great in Libya now, isn't it? The Israeli-Palestinian conflict claimed 2,365 lives last year. Wow.

2,365 lives last year in the Israeli-Palestine conflict. That's a lot. Fighting in Yemen claimed 1,500 lives last year up from 600. Boy, some of these are really dramatic. They're just killing people. People are just, they don't care who they kill. It's just out of control. I'm just going to blow things up.

And if you die, oh, well. Conflict in the Democratic Republic of Congo claimed 1,235. lives and coming in, down, down were lives claimed in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Yes, by about 600 lives. And conflict in India. Conflict in India. Claimed 976 lives last year in India. They're fighting in India in Pakistan.

And they're fighting in India has been at war with that sweater. forever. The, you know what I'm talking about. You know what country I'm talking about. The sweater country. And then in Dallas, in related news, in Dallas I see where they blew up 20,000 pounds of illegal fireworks, which is really cool. They did it during the day, of course, because they're illegal fireworks that we confiscated.

It's not for a show. so we're not going to blow them up at night because we want anybody to have any fun because they're illegal. Oh, okay, thank you. What if we just say, you know, hey, we didn't buy them illegally. We promised not to buy them illegally, but if you're going to blow them off, we'd like to watch them. And since, you know, you're blowing them up on our dime, you know, maybe we let the taxpayers enjoy it a little bit. Now, they were purchased illegally and you can't blow them up. Nobody can enjoy them.

All right. Whatever. How about all these little places around the country that are confiscating all these fireworks? What do you think? Maybe we ship them to the Middle East and use them, just drop them on the Middle East, drop them in on them. Maybe, you know, instead of wasting them, we use them to fight a little war. Just a thought of my part, it's all. I mean, I don't want to be the bear of dead tidings,

but we just went down a list of a lot of people dying in the Middle East. And that means we're using up a lot of money and a lot of firepower. And we get reports of us leaving our military equipment all over the world. Whenever this administration decides, and in other administrations too, this one's not alone, but this one just seems to, more at it. When it's time to get out, just get out and leave it. Just leave it.

We know we spent billions and billions of dollars on all that military equipment. We just leave it. Let them use it. Don't blow it up. And if there's ammunition or anything that goes with them, you know, don't put it right next to them, but don't destroy it either. Leave it there so if they can find it, they'll still be able to use it. I mean, we want them to be.

We don't want to be able to not use the military. military equipment, even if it's against us. We still want to... You guys get out of there, though. But you leave that there. Why not use a little bit of the fireworks that we confiscate all over the world, all over the country, over there? No? You don't think we should? All right. Whatever.

First day of spring here on the Blaze Radio Network. Best two-line jokes day. Also on the Blaze Radio Network. Well, also on the Jeff Fisher show. The entire Blazeman. Radio Network might not have the best two-line joke day. You know, I could be wrong, but they might not have that. However, many of you on Twitter at Jeffrey MRA are joining in on the two-joke, two-joke day here. And some of them are fairly cute, not quite up to the best.

up to the best two-line standards. And I'll share them a little bit with you if you'd like to share them. But I'll share the ones that really are part of the two-line, best two-line joke list with you. I tried to catch fog yesterday. Missed.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors, it'd be a chicken sedan. Is that the best of a chicken? best room shot we have. Don't we have a room shot that maybe lets the you know, let's that symbol ride out a little bit.

Can I hear that room shot again, please? Yeah, see how it cuts off that last the last symbol? Maybe it's just me. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looks surprised. You're listening to the Jeff Fisher

Show. The Blaze Radio Network. The Jeff Fisher Show returns on the Blaze Radio Network. Welcome to it. Thank you so much for being here today. I really appreciate it. It is the first day of spring, so I hope your gosh darn spring is the best ever. And if those of you are experiencing any kind of thing that resembles winter,

it just isn't real. Okay? It's not really happening to you. I mean that. It's not really happening to you. Now, I've got tons of stuff that I haven't got to today, but don't forget that the EPA is spending all kinds of money on a proposal to create a wireless device that's going to monitor water use in your hotel rooms.

Be looking for that. Now, they claim that, hey, look, according to EPA Deputy Press Secretary, Laura Allen, the EPA is not monitoring how much time hotel guests spend in the shower and said that the marketplace will decide if there is demand for this type of technology. It's ultimately up to hotels to use technology like the monitors being developed at the University of Tulson. Yes, it is. However, if you regulate how much water people can use per room in a hotel, then they would pretty much have to, wouldn't they?

because you're a regulation, EPA, EPA, the Environmental Protection Agency. So you're a regulatory agency. What you do creates regulations that people have to follow. Huh. I say that we take an average of, what, an eight-minute shower, seven-minute shower, they bring it down 10%. So plan on them telling you that you can only take five-minute showers. That's it.

We'll save all this money and it's five-minute showers. Oh, by the way, if you stay on the seventh floor, you can take seven-minute showers, but it'll cost you more money. And it'll cost you a lot more money if you want to just take unlimited. Okay. All right, have a good day. We'll leave you with a couple of best two-line jokes. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Hey, maybe. And someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that. All right. Hey, thank you again for being here. I appreciate it. Anybody, uh, let me tell you you look good today?

No, they haven't? Well, you do. You look fantastic. Fantastic. You, uh, you're not going to wear that all day. though are you? Ooh. Looks good on you.

This is the Jeff Fisher Show. Only on the Blaze Radio Network.