Chilluminati Podcast - Episode 19 - Krampus is an Alien

Episode Date: December 24, 2018

Seriously he might be GET NEW MERCH HERE - https://theyetee.com/collections/chilluminati  You guys got some weird stuff goin' on. Soundcloud - @chilluminatipodcast  Jesse Cox - www.youtube.com/jessecox  Alex Faciane - www.youtube.com/user/Thenationaldex Art Commissioned by - mollyheadycarroll.com

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What episode are we on now? 1918? Something like that? 19. We're on episode 19. 100. 100. 100. Feels like with you gentlemen, it's always like, we did it. 200. We did it. We're done. That's where quitting is at 100 episodes. Hello, everybody. Happy holidays, merry Christmas, and a happy new year, or maybe this is October of 2019. Happy Halloween, whenever you're listening. If it is, shout us out. Please. Yeah, yeah. One year from now, I want to see being like, listen to this now.

Say, hey, I'm listening to the Krampus episode. What's up? It actually is October 2019. Hell yeah. I'm down. No, don't do that. No, do it. No, no. When it is about our newer stuff when we're like famous. What if we're what if this all falls apart? And then we're not around the archeological digs where we use our brains to lift dirt because we're so smart with paranormal knowledge. What a weird turn that would that would be for us to take.

Where we just become psychics. What a sharp left turn. Like, hey, you want to like start a podcast like we we have similar interests. Fast forward to October 2019. Jesse's floating over a construction site like fucking Dr. Manhattan, building his own moon base. Where are you loading around? Where am I? I'm I died. I'm the I'm the comedian. OK, you're died. I imagine I'm like, man, this is dark. I don't even know where to bring about the end of the world.

Yeah, and I'm in some dark library researching while Jesse's like moving forward with the plans to end the end of the planet. So you're just still doing this pop this episode. You're still doing it. I'm working on it right now. The twist of the story is that this sequence of events starts during this episode. Little do you know, this is the whole point of talking about what I've given up on, man.

It's like a Lovecraft story. Yeah. But before we actually before before we get into the whole episode, I don't think you have it on you, Jesse, but someone sent you a cursed item. They did. I have a cursed football. It was used the first Thanksgiving. It is wrapped up in something. And Alex and I have yet to open it. We both look at it.

Can I be real to open it? Terrifying. Can I be real? Can I just put out a call to the Internet, whoever this was who sent us this? Do you want us to open it? Is it going to be like we open it and like a bunch of asbestos is going to come out? You're going to be like, that was just the filling. Sorry, guys. I'm sick. You're cursed now.

Yeah, I'm scared because I don't know if it's like a bit and like the like weird twisted thing inside of the bloody hemp bag is the bit with the occult symbols on the outside of it. Or if this is something that we should maybe like document as we open it or you know, more probable a fan, you know, just made it and sent it with a fake story. Yeah. Well, this this speaking of sending us stuff and bringing us stuff. I want to announce live here. Mathis Mathis has been invited to join us at Coxcon this year.

I'm still 50 50 haven't decided. Oh my gosh. Illuminati live. Let's do it. And I want to just say. Bring us your weird dolls. Bring us the weird haunted things you have. We're going to fucking England. OK, this is if this is if you guys don't like out with it with the ancient

because look, we don't have we got 300 years of history in America. There's nothing that's that's bullshit. That's baby shit, right? Like that's nothing England. You guys, you assholes have hundreds of fucking years, hundreds of thousand years. It's true. Fifteen hundred years. There's some got to be some old shit that's fucked up.

That is sitting on your shelf. I once went to the oldest door. So I know they have doors like 1000 AD. Was that like the highlight of Crandor's visit? Was this an old door? It was. He loved the old door. Yes, I have a friend who is very excited about doors.

But yeah, bring us your weird stuff and then give us the story. Here's the thing. We won't know any better, but we will say it's fake every single time. Just ahead and if there's enough, we each going to have to take home some and then we have to report back and as any activity happened right around if there's enough, if there's enough, let's do like an antiques roadshow type scenario. Can we do like a wrap them all up and then just we have to set them under like a tree and we all have to just pick random ones to take home.

Oh my God, that'd be so funny. We just open and it's like, oh, no, you got an Egyptian curse. Oh, God, no. Oh, no. You want to get rid of the curse? You have to remove your left eye. Yeah. Oh, no, you got the one that's booby trapped with acid.

Oh, no. Why do you think the listeners of this podcast are insane people? Alex, I'm just saying they're ancient artifacts. You never know 99.9% of the people who listen to this are not insane, but I have started to get the very strange, like bizarre emails. I sent you guys a picture of one not too long ago. Yeah, we can't we can't we can't get specific. No, not at all to shame these people.

No, not at all. But this stuff does this does happen. Like recruitment letters until like, do you want to learn more about blah, blah, blah? I'm like, oh, I don't know if it's the Illuminati. I'm in. I want in guys. I want in. I want in for the from everything from the sex cults to the murder.

I don't care. Just call me. They have a website. They have a website. They do. The Illuminati is so secret. You can actually go to their website. There's got to be like sign up Hamilton room where it happens thing.

But for the Illuminati, like I want to be in that. You want to see the the secret wrap rock musical that they're keeping for themselves about history. All right. Is the world order? Let's do this. All right. Well, we could.

I'm excited because this is our Halloween episode or Halloween or holiday episode. This is our kind of Christmas episode. A nightmare before Christmas, if you will, if you will. You boys, of course, know Santa Claus and you even know Krampus, right? Not personally, but I have heard of them. That surprises me that you don't know him personally. You know the Yule log or the Yule lads? Do you?

Yule lads? Are that are those guys? Oh my God. You don't know the Yule. Oh, the Yule logs would I drop every Christmas Eve? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. First off, there's the Yule lads. The Yule lads are the sons of a Scandinavian like evil witch who comes down and eats

kids and her sons, they're like 12 dwarves and each of them does a thing like one steals sausages and one slams your doors and one there's a character in Christmas. There's a character in Christmas that everybody talks about and his thing is he steals sausages. There's one called spoon liquor and he just licks spoons. My God. Is whole is that guy from from the Latin American folklore episode who puts dirt and food?

Is he one of those dwarves? No, no, these guys basically are the different things of like if a kid sneaks into the kitchen at night. Oh, it wasn't the kid. It was this dwarf figure or there's slamming and clothes like if the house is creaking. Oh, it was this dwarf figure that did it. And the whole point is that they come during the holidays and just wreak

havoc because they're like nasty dudes. Are we like in the mother goose version of Christmas? And this is like the like screwed up like the world. Yeah, for most of the world, Christmas was about scaring kids into being nice and Americans just made it like everybody gets a gift. But it used to be like you better be nice or, you know, and hill. You won't come kill you. You won't get your apple.

Yeah, right. Actually, that's what Krampus actually did represent. Krampus was there and he exists because he's there to scare the shit out of children to be hate. Speaking of shit, that's a yule log. The yule log. I'm going to drop this on you. The yule log is not what you think.

It is a Catalan in Spain, the Catalonia region. They dress up a log like a little tiny man in a hat and then kids beat the log and literally yell in Spanish shit log shit and then parents drop gifts out of the logs. But and this this is like the wicker man. I feel like I'm I'm like this whole episode is going to be a disappointment compared to this up and up until that moment up until that moment. They feed the log.

Like what are you talking about? They feed the log. Is it a log? Hilariously enough. This is I have like a weird vague memory of hearing the story. So I think Jesse's right vague memory. They literally what they do is they they paint a log like a little tiny thing like like a little man kind of straight up.

They straight up just feed it feed it stuff. And you know, how do you bro? How are you breezing over the feeding part? I think Alex is mostly confused. How do you feed the log? Well, I don't know actually that's precisely what I'm asking. They leave food for it. They leave food for the log and then the log eats it air quotes and then after

this is it air quotes days after several days they beat the log. They beat the log with sticks and then the log poops out the presence. How is this not? How is this not just putting clothes on a log in the middle of town and then there's just a pile of a growing pile of food and then a bunch of kids come smack the shit out of and yell that's pretty much what it is. Yeah, that's that's what it is. We are we are being we are being we're being pumped.

We are being we are being censored. This Christmas is exactly I said this when I found out this existed. I said we have the tamest most boring version of Christmas period in like the Protestant like idea like the Christian idea of Christmas is boring as shit. They need their boring. That's gonna say they need their safe spaces. We need to like beat. We need to beat logs.

We need to have a little you need to crack this gnomes that come and like eat our sausages like we need good stores. I don't want anybody to eat my sausages but me. Well and you if you're invited and that's it. Well one of one of those nightmare stories is Krampus Krampus. If you don't know I assume you gentlemen know but for the viewers if you don't know who Krampus is we'll go over you know the the traditions of Krampus here in a minute but generally he's like a tall goat half-goat half-human

nightmare creature with horns. I have like a vague a vague idea of what the Krampus and he like throws bad kids in his in his sack and takes them away and like that's the that's the scary part but and and you know there are there are traditions where you know someone dresses up as Krampus and Krampus is gonna take them away until their parents quote-unquote talk Krampus down from doing so. We'll talk about that in a minute but what if I told you both of you all of you listening that everything you know about Santa and Krampus and you'll

logs and all that is a lie. What I told you the truth what what if I told you the truth is that both Santa and Krampus not only exist but they are both ancient aliens. What was that sound? That was me throwing a pen and I don't know why. I don't know why you threw that pen. Why? Because that was my boom moment.

They're both aliens. That was the right jump. Did I write this? Did I forget? Did I like? No. What happened? This sounds crazy.

Santa and Krampus are aliens. They've been around for thousands of years and Santa's a good alien. He's one of the Nordics and Krampus is probably a gray in disguise. We're not entirely sure yet. We're going to talk about that and why they are both ancient aliens. Where is this? Where are we getting this information from? We'll talk about all of that.

All right. We'll talk about where all this is coming from but you know it deep down. You know all these mystical creatures who existed they weren't actually you know gods and saints. They were aliens here to either guide us towards enlightenment like Santa or that's what he's here for or or take us away so that he can experiment on our bodies like Krampus. That's what Krampus is up to.

Well, if he's a gray. Oh my God. You you're off the reservation on this one and I apologize again. I don't want people to come to the sensible people who by the end of this episode you will believe that Santa and Krampus are number five aliens will amaze you number five will confuse you but let's let's rewind a little bit before we dive into Santa and Krampus and as aliens and talk a little bit about Krampus and Santa as they are revered today and revered through history.

So in many westernized countries Santa Claus visits children on Christmas Eve December 24th for most. However during the 11th century and on most Eastern European nations would actually celebrate celebrate on December 5th as the night of Sinterklaas or St. Nicholas when he would visit. That was a separate day from Christmas at that time or are they? Yeah, so the day he would he was named after was the 6th when is when he would be Christmas Day but December 5th at night is when he would come and then

but the day before is when Krampus would show up and Krampus is the one that's disposed to scare the children. He's supposed to fear that make them behave during the year and all that other nonsense. He's usually described as a black shaggy goat horned figure with cloven hooves and a long tail. It rattles chains that hang from its wrists and brandishes a bundle of birch twigs.

So does he also hot topic. Does he also canonically wear a red coat with white some depictions of him do some do not I know like a man like an evil monster man. Yeah, I mean for some reason I'm imagining him as like a mix between like the Chupacabra and the Grinch is that like about right. Yeah, kind of kind of a weird Grinchy evil Chupacabra basically you're not wrong. Yeah, he would also carry around you know he brandishes quote unquote a

bundle of birch twigs as like his weapon. I imagine it's like an artifact or something has some hidden power. He also has a habit of throwing naughty children into the wooden tub that hangs at his back. So some stories it's a wooden tub other stories he's like has a sack that he throws them in. It just it depends on on who you talk. What does he use this stick for?

Does he like just beat kids with it? Some kids he beats them others. I don't know why he carries it otherwise, but I have heard from beating him, but there are a few traditions that harken back to Krampus and we'll talk about a couple of them really quickly right now. One of them is two men would dress up as Saint Nicholas and Krampus respectively to confront a small child at home. Sometimes it would be a tavern that the parents would bring their children

like Krampus will be at the local tavern on this night. Every parent and their kids would bring their their kid to this tavern to face Krampus. Then yep exactly and Saint Nicholas would be there as well. It would always be Krampus and Saint Nicholas to be like good and evil. So like getting your uncle to dress up is like a pretty old tradition. Yeah, it's been around for a long, long, long time. Like when you like do Santa that kind of thing.

That's like a big deal. Yeah. And except at this time somebody else would also do Krampus and be the yin and yang. And whoever was dressed up as Saint Nicholas at this time wouldn't be wearing your traditional Santa garb. He'd be wearing a bishop's mitre, a clestia, bishop robes and a white beard and you have a white beard which everybody knows you know belongs to

Santa Claus while hearing the child recite prayers or hymns practiced for the occasion. Saint Nicholas would then inquire if the child has been faithful, obedient and delivers a short homily. Krampus the whole while is standing nearby as a warning to the child who cannot recite well or has misbehaved during the year. So basically the child is being based judged on two fronts. One, was he a good boy?

Two, is he reciting the prayers that he's reciting to Saint Nicholas right now well enough because if he wasn't then that's good enough for a reason for Krampus to take him away. Well, this is a Christian tradition. This is yeah, but this is back in the day. This is still so crazy. I feel like I would be bumbling just because I have strangers watching me as there's a Krampus in the corner uncle Tony's dressed like a Krampus.

I've been I've been sitting here trying to figure out the significance of birch and like what a birch stick would mean why you would carry like a bundle of birch and so it hurts. I mean I clearly it must but the idea of birch is like Celtic being used for like regeneration and hope and new beginnings and a promise of what's to come. I got you right here. I've got I've got it right here.

Okay. He carried birch apart from its phallic significance to have a connection with the initiation rights of certain witch covens where Krampus may have originated. Yeah, that's where I was getting to. So the symbolism is very much like happy joyous like new things like that are going to happen to you but its use was very like Celtic religious and used by various like cults and witch groups because they were using it in like a

joyous way. They were like yes this is going to help us in the new year. This is going to give us fertility and this is going to help us with like they even use it for diuretics and like just all sorts of crazy things. And so I I'd like the idea that the evil non-Christian dude is like running around with these things that to the witches are just like yeah we're using that because it like is a good thing and they're like oh that's evil now. Birch is evil.

Birch is evil because they like it. Yeah exactly. The witches like it. So Krampus is like shout out to my dick shout out to the OG witches. I'm going to beat some kids with this. And that's what it says. He would occasionally swat at children during these ceremonies basically he would he wouldn't like smack them hard like incredibly hard like the stories

would tell but at these ceremonies where you need a family member is dressed up as Krampus or these taverns where a stranger is there dressed as Krampus. No that's what the taverns were a stranger dressed up as Krampus and a stranger dressed up as Santa would be there for a night and all the families with their children would bring them to the tavern to do the ceremony at the local tavern but he would occasionally swat children if they were extra naughty. The ancient ancestor to the mall Santa like bring the kids to the club. Dad's going to get toasted down a few pints call it a night.

Merry Christmas. Let Uncle Tony beat the shadow of the kid with the birch rods for a little bit while you toss a couple back. That sounds like a great time for us now as like 30 some odd year old man. It's a it's a mall Santa like it's the or mall Santa. I wonder if we could track a mall Santa's back to tavern Santas and it's like an ancient Carney tradition that like has origins in like pagan religion. Cut to cut to October 2019 right through my mind to dig through a site and

we discover ancient Carney's the legend of the ancient Carney's really they've gone back for for centuries. They were ancient aliens. We all have our birch sticks in October 2019. All right. Push forward fighting. This is supposed to be sticks. I want to see Alex running around in a con beating children with birch sticks.

Yeah, I'm going to be like right in I'm going to be like Danny Bride and this is the end Channing Tatum is going to be my bitch. I'm not going to question it. Let's find anyway. So they'd be at the tavern at their home and all the while you know the kid is reciting his hymns and also trying to convince them that he's been a good boy and obedient but all the while while the child is saying these prayers. The parents are right there.

They're present the entire time and they have a part in this as well. The parents part of the plot is to be there to affirm that the child was either naughty or or to intercede with Krampus and not take the youngster away because he was a good child. So the whole time that the parents are behind the kid or near the kid somewhere in the room and then once all of a sudden done they have to come forth and put forth their testimony to say little Timmy with a good boy or beat him with a birch Krampus.

So what you're telling me is that Krampus. In like an SAT style like comparison is like elf on a shelf. I guess so kind of like it's the same same idea. Yeah like you're being watched at all times. They're like no Krampus don't take our kids we swear he was so bad we know we know but oh man we're religious like he'll he'll follow Jesus please Krampus. That's what would happen like they so after all said done you know Krampus would you know threaten and maybe take him in the whole while the parents have

to put on an act and convince Krampus to spare their child and once it was clear that Krampus you know was not going to take the child the child would be spared the kindly St. Nicholas over by the wayside I imagine is just dead Stoic staring at this child while Krampus is threatening to kidnap him for all eternity St. Nicholas would then step forward and give offer the child a gift and then the Krampus and St. Nicholas would either depart or the parents and the child would leave the tavern the parts that are leaving out is all year when the parents are like remember when we saved you from that monster in the

bar I didn't even think about that I didn't even think about that you could just guilt your child for years I mean we could stay home from school today or you know we can not have me have to bargain with the monster in the bar again this Christmas it's it's actually kind of scary when you when you put it in such a way where like your parents could just blackmail you to behave it's a completely made-up situation it's like inception very much so but this seems like the story that I would tell if I was doing this episode right like where's the mythological Krampus yeah your hair your hair is too well styled you're

not wearing shabby enough of a tweed suit you're not doing the meme with your hands you're basically saying that Krampus was a thing that parents made up in order to scare kids but where's the chilluminati version of this we're like Krampus was the like son of the devil and it comes every year well if I was if I was on ancient aliens if I was on ancient aliens I'd be asking the question but what is this story based on like right right right right which just an update currently in modern times Krampus in Austria Germany Hungary Slovenia and the Czech Republic apparently I don't know this to be true this was this is from

December 1st 2017 I guess there's now a thing called Krampus sloth or the Krampus run we're dudes dress up like devils and chase people through the streets yep that's true I saw that a couple years ago like there's YouTube videos of it you can go watch it it's it's weird it's the same thing as Santa it's the it's the same thing it's like the European version of the Santa all those fucking they go from like the thing with Krampus is like we actually don't have a solid where did he originate from situation the biggest most accepted theory is that he's from I guess like pre-Christian alpine traditions which obviously makes

sense he's he's probably from pagan you know worship and on whatnot but we don't really know where it officially started but much like our Latin American folklore episode I mean you can hit it on the head what Krampus's purpose is he's there to just make sure children behave we don't know where his first appearance was like is it part of the Christmas or is it from older like there's no real clear it's we did he definitely is from before Christmas was a thing right he comes from according to the Smithsonian which is just I love that they have an entire thing about Krampus that's awesome I guess

Smithsonian comm December 4th 2015 has a really funny like it is a bunch of photos of people dressed up as Krampus running around terrorizing people but I guess the point of it is that Krampus is from the word Krampen which I think means claw and don't swim after you eat yeah don't yeah that's what it's about it's very dangerous when you eat a kid you don't want to swim because then you'll get a Krampus yeah yes but I guess it is derived from the Norse god hell and traditionally it's her son question mark hmm there you go like I said pre-Christian is probably where he comes from there's also like you know

he might be just the horned god of the witches and whatnot from prior to when he was adapted to Christianity and all that other nonsense but the fact that he stretched back so far heavily feeds into the theory that he's been around in Israel we'll get to that in a second the last the last tradition is a little bit shorter you know the last tradition is a little bit shorter the one Jesse kind of tapped on it a bit according to folklore Krampus purportedly also shows up in towns the night of December 5th notice Krampus knocked or Krampus night the next day so severe Krampus knocked exactly the next day on December 6th is

nickel nickel stag or nickel back what what nickel back nickel back that's a no that's like December 7th nobody celebrates December 7th it's like boxing I am a fond proponent of nickel back it's my favorite holidays the boxing day of the Krampus legend perfect nickel bomb but on December 6th the children go outside outside their door and they leave you the night before they leave a shoe or a boot and then they find out that morning to see whether the boot or shoe contains presents for good behavior or a rod for bad behavior which is what Krampus would leave a rod a rod just a rod I don't know like a dowel

yeah I feel like that'd be dangerous in a house full of siblings because then they could just beat their yeah why are you giving the bad kid a weapon why is that's where my mind went like why are you giving the naughty kid something to beat other children with but I heard I heard some version of this story with the shoe it's like the little like where you leave the shoe out but like you go in the morning and if you were good there's like carrots in the shoe when you wake up carrots that was how to have been during like a famine yeah yeah I don't know you're good Santa will let you live for another orange healthy

sticks yes and then obviously the more modern traditions in Austria Germany Hungary Slovenia and the Czech Republic drunken men dressed as devils who take over the streets of Krampus Lauf a Krampus run of sorts when people are chased through the streets by drunken people dressed up as devils yeah that's what Jesse was referring yeah that is crazy I mean is it like you do have this costume in your house and then made cosplay and then you sort of like keep it all year and you like open your closet every day and you see your Krampus and you're like can somebody cosplay as Krampus for Coxconn no god

no I want to see it bring us rods yeah let's get that metallic rods not the rod in your pants yeah just hand us little rods if you're if you if we've been bad just hand us like a like a like a half-pound metallic rod if we've been naughty for our bad behavior but like a battery like a battery but like there's no it's just there's nothing in it it's just metal for not being as regular with the episodes as people demand yes a rod that's what we deserve all of that's a lie though because they're aliens boys they're both aliens I'm ready to I'm ready for you to take me there Saint Nicholas is an is and was an amazing

ancient alien who used advanced technology to travel around the world in one night to deliver little seeds of technology called toys to help the young human population advance their intelligence as a species what Saint Nicholas the Catholic precursor to Saint to Santa Claus first gained popularity among German people speaking around the 11th century arguably Saint Nicholas is the most impactful and talked about ancient alien to this day most depictions of Saint Nicholas or Santa Claus show him as a tall a large tall fair-skinned fair-haired blue-eyed figure traveling on a high-speed vehicle

almost like later stories of the Nordic aliens who are all fair skin blue-eyed fair-haired people who travel around trying to enlighten humanity because that's what Nordic aliens do at least that's what they like to tell us that they're here for yeah I don't know if you know this but Nordics they like to pose themselves as good aliens they usually come to us as balls of white or angelic figures and talk to people and try to tell them how to guide humanity toward enlightenment not toward total annihilation which is the direction that we seem to be currently be going this is actually something that a lot of people

a lot of ufologists believe that Nordic aliens this is their purpose now whether they're good or bad or they're just trying to play us because we're dumb and we're humans who knows but Saint Nicholas fits the Nordic description almost perfectly does it say anything about what Nordic aliens think about fresh cold glass bottles of Coca-Cola they're the ones who started that's what it's a coke is brainwashing from the Nordic aliens and that's why they're yeah they're preparing you for their arrival no you'll be more accepted like you'll the Nordic aliens want us to be

happy Jesse that's that's what they've always wanted they want us to be happy like that's whitewashing the Nordic aliens you just want like oh yeah the white guys just want to come down to make everyone happy it's okay everyone and they're doing this and they're doing this by enriching our culture by bringing us new things well here's the thing you want to go deep dive the Nordic aliens aren't technically supposed to be talking to us and trying to guide us away from total annihilation that's breaking the treaties they have with all the other aliens with the Federation yeah because we are supposed to be left alone for the

most part there's very much a a not a prime direction of directive in the sense that Star Trek would have like don't interfere but they're not supposed to come in and try and influence our government or our politics and the like now granted there are worse aliens out there trying to do such things like reptilians and the grays and the tall whites and Russia millions gotta be the bad guys why can't the white guys be the bad guys the reptilians are like all white though the tall whites are bad guys they're bad guys Nordics and tall whites are not the same yeah oh Jesse it's 2018 come on come on get with it the

Nordics are trying to get in and let us know that we're being manipulated and trying to guide us but they're it's time to hold up that mirror Jesse I know the more you I the more you laugh the more I believe Jesse shout out to the alien community and UFO researchers and whatnot but like the more they add to this nonsense the crazier the more I'm like you all are just having a good time this is like this is like that episode of the X-Files where they all tell the different story about the vampire and it just gets crazier and crazier well alright be fair to be fair the connection between Santa Claus and

Krampus the ancient aliens is tenuous best okay it's not it's not exactly the strongest and a lot of it is speculation comparing what we know about various different alien species and what we know about these mythological beings that we have ascribed sainthood to or you know that kind of thing like with with you know Santa Claus and Krampus and we're just kind of we're just taking the two ideas and we're just kind of merging them like they they they are meant to be I will say this Santa is an alien Krampus is an alien of course Krampus it's more like Krampus is an alien than Santa is probably an alien I if I will say this

if if aliens are real if I'm gonna swallow the pill that they're all real like that the Nordics do I have I have guzzled a bottle of pills if the bottle if the bottle is empty and I've and I've and and aliens are real you're making a good case I'm saying if aliens are real this is a good case to convince someone that maybe Santa Claus is part of that thing now the question whether Santa Claus is actually still around in interfering with our lives that's obviously probably not on the radar every Christmas Eve the point I say Krampus is still what I would the point when I say Krampus and St. Nicholas are

still around to this day I don't mean they're still around flying around the planet giving children toys that's that's a stretch too far you mean there are space being lifetime if they've they're still out there doing their thing and that these myths sprung from these two figures who appeared on Earth and mingled with our society a bit and then they Santa Claus and Krampus kind of sprung from that it's like you know any of the other like a cargo cult of one's happens Krampus he is likely from what we understand a gray the graying disguise what because grays are the most you can't just say the Krampus I

can't you have you have to look at his MO Jesse you have to look at Mo thank you thank you so Jesse you're not allowed to laugh yet I'm convincing you look at his MO he's Krampus! Krampus is about to tell you that grays are known for their propensity to kidnap humans and experiment on them exactly exactly out of all the aliens who abduct people grays are the ones that tend to abduct and experiment why would the legend why would the legend be like ah yes that's skinnigus the skinny man who kidnaps kids dude you can't tell how skinny is in a big red coat yeah man and besides they can take forms they can take

other forms why don't they call them like you old huge eyes right why is it there why don't they make it why is it about a gray being? hold on I'm not done remember remember grays have telepathic abilities right they they can a lot of times I'm not scary enough because damn it Jesse because because they want to approach in a maybe in a form that they're they already know and they already recognize and they already worship a horned devil of some sort in the witch's coven so they take the form or they project themselves psychically as this form so that the humanity will accept them a little bit easier oh shit it's Krampus or whatever and then that's what it was so what's the so okay all right I'm gonna get back to Santa Claus before

I get back to Krampus yeah so you're telling me then the Santa Claus version is this guy comes down and is like what would make people really like me well no Nordic's kind of look like Santa anyway wait so you're telling me that the Nordic came down looking just like himself he walked off the spaceship and was like yo what up it's me sick dick and then the next guy comes down it's like all right well you already do this whole saint next stick so I gotta I gotta compete with that well you gotta keep in mind they're not cut back then when this all happened if it happened this way back then when this all happened this didn't happen on the same night you know probably st. Nicholas or the Nordic came down and this was this was probably happening for thousands of

years Jesse right exactly god you made me lose my train of thought all right the point is the reason grays probably don't even look like what we think they look like they look like what we see them as because that's our brains basically accepting whatever image they're putting forth they kind of look like human a little bit with big black eyes and a mouth they might not even have that that might just be what we're interpreting but I imagine maybe that's what they are they they could they might not be grays they could be something else they could be reptilians for all we know we don't know we don't know but with their MO when we merge their MO's together Krampus is likely a gray okay back to what I was saying I like how you use the word likely and you can you continue to

speak in this like a little affirmative like this one thing well here's the thing this may or may not have been done by me and my researchers and we took what we know of aliens and we looked at Santa Claus and Krampus and go oh my god they might be aliens and I'm trying to pitch you the idea that they are aliens I'm here just be interdimensional beings I can make the same well aliens are interdimensional beings Jesse they are they are if they're if they're not if they're not how come when people are chipping on DMT they see aliens okay I as a got me as like a 70 I'm like a 70 percent believer in aliens right like I really I'm 100% believer in aliens I 100% believe that there are other beings that exist in what I mean it's aliens I am a 0% believer and that they've

come to earth and gave a shit about us so I'm like a 70 cent believer that they come to us and visit us but if their abductions happen I I kind of think that they're a mix of like a physical phenomenon and a mental phenomenon oh like they're coming from a different they're different dimension and mentally probed yeah yeah yeah so it makes sense they'd be they'd be they're from already from another dimension or they may exist another dimension why can't they exist in our dimension I don't know they can't know enough I can't give you answers that we're from another dimension why can't I mean they're version of us they're at least invading us enough to take our children and throw them into a wooden tub people are getting abducted and jerked off by machines

from graze all the time I am gonna go um look I'm gonna put this out there I'm gonna go out on this limb if you have a story about how you have been abducted and jerked off by a machine you're lying to people you are you have a fetish for machines jerking you off and you just want to tell people and you are a liar there's Betty and Barney like we're gonna do a whole episode one day on the Benny and Barney hill that's a good that's a good one that's like that's horrifying that is incredibly fascinating total BS did not happen all right well screw it I don't know I don't fully believe that it didn't happen all right there they were two old freaks who wanted to let people know that they liked some dirty dirty robot sex and that's fine it's okay to like it it's okay to like

it the future no that's fine but it's not what they Barney did not want to even ever talk about it he was so traumatized by the experience yeah well he said yes once and that wasn't he didn't he didn't say yes he looked through his binoculars and suddenly he had no memory no that's actually that's actually a jokes aside that's like a really compelling story it is but I still don't know that I believe it but it's like just compelling that it's like the details something goes into it the promise I think everyone else heard that story and then just copied it is my that that's that's the thing right yeah because at that point that was like the first truly published abduction scenario and then after that all of a sudden they just started

happening now the argument could be well we just discovered the power and the harness the power of splitting the atom and now we gained attention in the galaxy or copycats want to make money but again this goes to the theory that like okay we've harnessed the atom wouldn't the aliens like abduct I don't know oftenheimer or well they work with the government all right this is all I'll have to do with MS like people that like did it so they could be like you know I started like oh is this an alien ship crazy they'd be like yo dude well did you in the modern world we haven't we're smart enough now to to deal with the aliens every question you ask I have an answer for like the reason that they're abducting these people is because back in the 50s during the

Roswell incident uh the aliens started working with the governments and had a contract that they can abduct x number of people in each country every year just have an answer doesn't mean that it's real oh i'm not saying look true fair listen in my world it's real there are accepted answers to these questions okay yeah exactly there are accepted answers to these questions anyway st. Nicholas probably a Nordic right if he was to be an alien likely a Nordic however Krampus the Krampus is described as a black shaggy coat horned figure with cloven hooves and a long tail as we described who carries birch and all that stuff but testimony for this particular monster were recorded over the centuries following the first sightings of st ancient alien Nicholas in

the 11th century but the Krampus undoubtedly dated back to pre-christian customs surrounding the surrounding the pagan goddess Berkta and her consort of frightening and unruly oh god i'm butchering i'm gonna butchering this schiaktperkten schiaktperkten schiaktperkten yeah that looks good which is like they're there yeah yeah yeah uh we'll talk about that they're basically little ghoulish monsters so perkta which was the goddess was once known as a goddess in the alpine paganism in the upper german and austrian regions of the alps her may her name may mean the bright one i.e. a Nordic alien since they're always described as bright but schiaktperkten perkta's masked entourage

of ghoulish monsters may have been greys in masks that follow the Nordic aliens around little alien and it makes sense because schiaktperkten are little minions and and greys are little minions the thing about the greys is that while we don't know for sure who they work for there are theories that they work for the nordics like a cast like a calv system yeah yeah yeah exactly we the the greys are typically thought of as a mix between machine and biology they don't really have a will of their own per se they're more a slave race created to do the bidding of those who have them whoa did you know that they're like drones sort of yeah they're like alive drones they're like living drones more or less that are that are sent orders in the like okay um while st

nicholas rewarded good children with the tools to further the human species called toys crampus in contrast would swat wicked children stuff them in a sack and take them away to his lair to do what most cryptids or aliens do have sex with them and oh no well yeah well sometimes you know like that's just what you know greys do but experimentation which usually at least from our knowledge involves probing and jerking off to collect seed crampus crampus's name is derived from the german word crampin meaning claw and is said to be the son of helen norse mythology like like jesse was saying he is also known as however bartil niglo bartil wubartil clow bauf and the horned god of the witches can we call him clow bauf from now on because that's kind of that's kind of badass

clow bauf i like clow bauf yeah do you have a favorite name jesse for for our crampus clow bauf clow bauf clow bauf clow bauf k k l a u b a u f clow bauf it's very close to laboff labief i feel like shia clobuf shia clobuf would be just do it oh my god shia is crampus in disguise who's also already all gray in disguise shia is an alien it all makes sense plus shia perton i'm out of here oh man by the 16th century pagan shiakperkton processions became a frequent part of winter festivities in salisburg austria despite centuries of christian traditions okay so you start seeing the merging of of christian traditions and and uh pagan christians catholic attempts to ban these festivals in the 17th century in 18th centuries

proved futile so demonic he goat cryptid earned his tenure in alpine holiday traditions so that's where we assume uh crampus kind of inserted himself into christianity because they were being uh the catholics attempted to ban these things so they're just like well it's christian now now we can keep doing it just to like kind of smooth things over with the locals mm-hmm yeah that's so interesting because it just sounds like satan to me like it just sounds like the same it's like a goat figure like you know the what what's the affomet uh statue yeah black philip is from from the ditch is very similar right yeah same thing with like grease and and uh the roman like trans like being like them i can't even talk right now like uh rome being like okay well now we're christian

and taking all of the ancient greco roman traditions and being like okay well yeah all this Dionysus stuff and this and then pan well pans very uh satan looking and so using all of those traditions as they move forward yeah the the the history of christianity has been like okay so we're trying to spread this thing and uh these people have this tradition where they like i don't know get around trees around the 21st of december what if follow me here jesus born the 25th we co-op the tree we put stuff on that everyone's like good idea and then it just happened and that's like the way christianity does it yeah as we know it today it is interesting to think about how many people there are there out there well i think i think it's one of those

things that uh it comes from from ancient uh aliens come exactly it's jesus was an alien it's let it be known that our ancestors were freaks just like we are but they had different freaky stuff where it was the combination of human and animal and there's tons of that and so for as much as we're like there are a lot of goat people there were also horse people and fish people and bird people and like animal like wolf people and all sorts of different people so we can say like yeah okay there are a lot of goat people there are a lot of all people like elephant people and cat people and all the different versions of because people just thought yeah what if like a dude and a dog did it what would that run into well right that's pretty much true but the goat one

is the one that's satan you know what i'm saying like to me the goat one is always evil in almost all the goat one is like i feel like one of the big ones like it's like the Pikachu that is that is again because of art that is nothing to do with history it's because of art uh in the medieval times in the renaissance the depictions of satan were always this like based off of the greco roman tradition of of art styles and because in the bible as far as i'm aware like satan's a beautiful dude oh yeah lucifer is like gorgeous lucifer is like a gorgeous blonde just like all angels he's gorgeous he's a gorgeous blonde yeah oh shit you all right i'm convinced i'm convinced there is not me done he's an alien oh my god you're totally right the tall whites oh shit this is like he was

oh my god he was a nordic who was cast out in one of the first tall whites oh we gotta go we gotta go buy mathis a christmas goose now you really did just you you me and my son with crutches here yeah literally just had the best christmas ever you spared us the truth is out there everyone oh i had a thought and it's gone now it's gone i don't remember what i was gonna say i'm sorry mathis so what you're trying to tell me is i have not convinced you that santa and crampus are aliens i haven't you haven't convinced me of that but you might have convinced me that satan is an alien you might want to convince me jesus is all that heaven and hell are just different dimensions you just have to accept the one bitter pill the aliens exist and it all makes sense the your brain

opens up yeah here's the thing is it's easy to say this and because religion in itself is like okay well there's the good side and the bad side vying for your soul and you could just extrapolate that to be like there's good aliens and bad aliens fighting for like control of the planet which is like the more modern take on religiosity right and so it's it's you could just say oh and they're the exact same like back then they didn't know any better but really don't and so it's it's fascinating to it is to to discuss all the stuff that we do on the show because even though i'm like poo poo uh it's it's the oral tradition and it's the stories that we as a society like cherish and love and spread and i think it's fascinating i agree uh if it isn't like well while you're

ruined my christmas jesse um and i still believe that there are aliens out there i'm your joseph barley you stole my gold map is is that what that nobody does that's not what happens in that story oh my god oh you did uh uh if it isn't obvious uh this little crampus episode is uh mostly done by our researcher judy who who found this little angle because initially i was like let's do crampus but like attack attack crampus at a cryptid angle like i want to know what he was back then and when i'm but then judy one of our researchers like well what if he's an alien and she started doing research and started piecing it together and uh this is this is what we have is is crampus is tangentially i love it when i say crampus is tangentially attached to the graze um and if

this becomes a main theory in ufology i'm going to be incredibly disappointed with everybody who does uf ufology track us back give us yeah you come back to this episode and you can be like oh yeah if this becomes a main theory in ufo ology subscribe to the chilluminati podcast and leave a five star review it won't and i don't want your subscription i don't want your fake please buy our i want you to tune in and subscribe because you like the fact that we are we take it seriously enough i will forgive you for your wrong opinions if you buy our merch over at the eddie.com search chilluminati you got stickers you got hats you got t-shirts they go get them they glow in the dark wear them wear them to cox con if you're gonna be there oh we're better we're better time to use

it but uh merry christmas and hoppy holidays to all of our listeners this is our special little crampus episode uh this kind of came up at the not not the last minute but the end of of prep for the next episode after this one i was like it would be stupid how could we not how could we not yeah how could you not tackle crampus yeah and once once judy was like aliens i leapt i was like let's go i want to do aliens i love aliens so much i love aliens more than anything um but uh that'll wrap up this little holiday christmas crampus special uh we'll be back sooner rather than later with another episode of chilluminati hell out of this podcast i do too and and to the crazy people out there to the crazy people out there please don't stop sending us stuff don't

be offended don't be offended when we don't reply we do read it please if you have a we absolutely nothing is too insane please just send it to me you never know if you're all it's gonna take is what and you actually have information and you're like this is a real thing send us that too yeah do acyani a at gmail.com find me there one day one day uh when we do more more like actual like deep dive into alien stuff i have had people who have sent me proof that they are who they say they are uh send me tell me i can talk about it but i just can't say their name um of stuff that they saw while they were in the military oh my god i need to in like actual documentation not just like word of mouth like here's the documents like here's some i'm ready

i'm ready for all of that i love it man i'm not i i'm not because putting an alien episode together is difficult it is it's because you it's because you're so close to it i'm too close you're like you're like close to the sun you're like molder now yeah god forbid i ever become president of this country it'll just this is a devolve into with a hunt for alien i'd be fine with that don't worry me and my illuminati friends will make sure you don't i'm pissed about this whole situation now because that was the one thing that i was hoping was gonna happen with trump was that he was he was they said he was gonna put out the the alien stuff and he just like didn't do you honest first of all there's a government worth working within our government those people who know the alien stuff

do you really think we can tell trump about it just declassify a bunch of stuff i want to read it i i'm so interested what if there's a majestic anything the majestic 12 would never allow that right what if there's nothing what if i can't believe that jesse i can't that's why it doesn't exist because there's nothing what if it's all just been lies and everyone is bought into it and you have to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you got do one day one episode jesse one of these episodes and it's gonna be like the deepest dive into aliens ever you're gonna walk away if not convinced on the lies he's gonna be sitting out on his on his patio one night looking out over the city the city and he's gonna thank to himself just for one minute what if yeah what

if it would literally have to appear in my apartment and be like yo bro let's go on an adventure and i'd be like oh my god because you know it's because you want it so bad you will never get it meanwhile i'll be lying on my lawn seven joints deep really lost and confused waiting there's your problem let's go on an adventure my dude dot biz yeah let's go thank you guys for listening at the juleminati podcast i hope you guys have a fantastic holiday and hey you're if you celebrated hanukkah it was great if you celebrate christmas hope it's great if you celebrate be in yourself i hope it's great if you want to buy stuff for your jesse's you can't see it because he's so lost in laughter um but if you i don't know i don't know if alex's joke got lost in the talk there

but i'm adding dot biz i didn't hear dot biz i didn't hear dot biz i missed it i missed the joke very christmas bro god damn it i love this show i love you guys i love you listeners we'll be back soon drop us reviews we're almost a 605 star reviews on itunes give us get us there we can reach that i think we can hit a thousand i think we can't by the end of the year make it a christmas miracle by the end of the year bros we can like by our year anniversary no by the end of this year we can get 400 more leave a review bro six days all right spread the word every you have to spread the word if you can get us to a thousand five star reviews it by january first i will do a jesse cox episode

about something i believe that's these two don't believe i want to find a topic that they don't believe and i'm gonna do the exact same thing where i'm just sitting here like you don't get it though you don't get it but you have to believe it like you as jesse have to believe oh yeah no i'm gonna find the thing i don't know what it is yet but i'm gonna find it i'm gonna do that for you all right it may it may just be about a log that poops that people find yeah it's just about oh yeah the villagers feed the log no big deal no big deal they just yeah no they quote unquote they feed him and then they beat the shit out of him and then he poops out presents eat it until it shits out again no they just feed him and then naturally he poops out the presents the kids want did you not take

ninth grade biology yeah i want to just know i want to know more about that me too and maybe next time we will um other than that you can obviously go to our subreddit shilluminati pod there's all kinds of good stories there uh you can tweet it us at the same you can also tweet at us personally at jesse cox at fasiana a and at mathis games and obviously yeti.com you can find all of our merch we love you guys and we'll see you soon peace bye bye bye dot biz mr world here playing a little beach volleyball diving in the sand digging some shots trying to look cool i'm also digging these sunglasses for my glass world for super stylish and super affordable so not only do i look cool but i feel cool even with all this sand in my shorts

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