Chilluminati Podcast - Episode 66 - The Tomte Ft. Dodger!

Episode Date: September 5, 2020

Patreon - http://www.patreon.com/chilluminatipod BUY OUR MERCH - http://theyetee.com/collections/chilluminati Jesse Cox - http://www.youtube.com/jessecox Alex Faciane - http://www.youtube.com/user/ThatOneLaserClown Art Commissioned by - http://www.mollyheadycarroll.com Theme - Matt Proft End song - POWER FAILURE - https://soundcloud.com/powerfailure Priapus Statue - http://www.amazon.com/Priapus-God-Fertility-Sculptures-Figurines/dp/B01AMMLR3Y Video - http://www.twitter.com/digitalmuppet

Boost your savings and benefits at City Market with a free 30-day trial of a Boost by City Market membership. You'll get two times fuel points on groceries and merchandise in-store with pickup or delivery. Your fuel points add up as you shop, too, and you won't even have to drive to earn them. Plus, get free delivery on any order over $35. More savings, more benefits, on all the things you need with Boost by City Market. A new level of membership has arrived. Sign up for a free 30-day trial today at citymarket.com slash boost. $35 order minimum, restrictions apply. See site for details. Hello, hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Chiluminati podcast, episode 66. As always,

I am one of your hosts, Mike Martin, joining my two buddies, Alex Fasciani and Jesse Cox. Hi, boys. Hey. Hey. That was weird. I tried to copy Alex and I figured I would, but his came out like, hey, so I had to go even more like, hey, you know. People who know me describe me as like a modern day Jim Carrey Ace Ventura type. No. What? I don't even go that way. It doesn't matter. You do want to impeach them today anyway. So before we move forward, we also have a very special guest today everybody. Who? We are joined by none other than the, just shouting from the background. It's our friend Dodger. Hey, Dodger. Hey. Hello, bud. Welcome to this shit show of a podcast. Time out, time out. Thank you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You're telling me

out of all the first guests we could have. Wait, this is, this is our first guest, never mind. No, this is what I was going to say. How dare you forget Erdorff. I just realized Erdorff, never mind. Out of all the second guests we could have. Wait, am I the only the second person who's ever guested on this? Yeah. That is correct. Oh my God. It's been like a year and a half. Yeah, I was going to say you guys have done so many episodes. The world of the stupid is infinite Dodger. It's fine. There's infinite topics. Yes, you're only the second guest. Welcome. Thank you for jumping on the podcast. I'm super pumped that you wanted to jump on specifically with the topic that you brought us that I'm not going to

spoil. Yeah. It's exciting. I've been catching up on some of the more recent Chilluminati episodes and I now know way more about aliens than I ever thought I would know in my life. Yes. Have heard so many weird ghost stories. I now know that Jesse is super into goblins. I've opened lots of doors in the brief time. Every time you open a door, there's like 900 more doors beyond there. I'm like the monster's ink of people. You know what I'm saying? Doing this specific topic revealed that to me because I was like, I'm going to do this thing and then realized I needed to focus it or it was going to go on forever. So how's that JFK episode going by the way, Alex?

I don't want to talk about it. Wait, so I do okay now. What was first off? I believe that. Secondly, it was convincing. Yeah, it was very convincing. It was incredible. So wait, what have you brought us? I am out of the loop on this. What did you bring us today that what got you to leave your husband and child for a few hours to come be weird with us on the Internet? Well, I've put together like a short little story to sort of get us all into it. So I can read that for you guys, but I mean, what I'm asking is what is your background in the world of the perinatural?

Yeah, okay. Did you bring your credentials? Yeah, why are you on this show? I have no card. Well, it was more like I had I had listened to sporadic Trilluminati episodes and then I was interacting with Mathis on the Internet as you do. And I was like, I feel like this sort of zone of topics hasn't really been touched on and Mathis was like, yeah, we haven't really done that. And that was it. And that's it. There you go. That was all that's the prep that we put into the song. What I'm getting from this is that Mathis said, do you want to do that? And you were like, okay, so Mathis got out of doing work. And then you get to do it all. All right, all right, checks out. This is what the listeners

pay us to do. That's what it checks out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shall I hop in? Shall we do it? Yeah, I the only other thing we're missing is Alex's shilling. I mean, I want you to show our sick new t-shirt. Guys, have you ever read a comic book? Do you know what those are from back in the day? They call them comic books where they have it's like it started off as like funny cartoon stories, but they don't move and they stay on the paper. The funny they don't move. But now the comic books have the funny, they go from the funnies to the scaries. And now the scary comics have the good arts. And we made it look like a scary comic on the shirt. And the shirt has got the Mothman. And if you look at the shirt, it looks like the scary type

of comic book. And this is so much more information than I expected. And you can buy it now with my third eye. You can buy it now at the yeti.com slash chilluminati pod slash collection slash chilluminati. Yeah, OK, that's the one. There you go. Forget about the one that I said and do the Mathis. Yeah, go check it out. We got schlort pins up there as well. So go grab yourself a t-shirt and some schlort pins and you're good to go. That's probably the worst. That's probably the grossest piece of merch I've ever been associated with. Definitely for me. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, it's it's pretty nasty. It's cute. And it and it passes. It's not like NSFW. No, unless you explain it to somebody. Right, which is the fun part. Right. It's about buttholes.

It is. There are very specifically. Oh, all right. I think that's it. I'm sure you're going to take it from here. There's no segue from there. I can follow that. Yeah, I think you can. All right. Let's let's go back in time a little bit. Oh, you're like an old lady for this or is this like a lady now? I don't think I can commit to that, though. So I'm going to discard it. You know, it'd be weird if you just showed up and then we're like, I'm an old lady now a character. I'm going to start us like 12th century Scandinavia, specifically where we know as Sweden now. The Christian influence has begun, and a sometimes silent religious war is fought between neighbors. Two men argue in a field.

One has recently returned from a former pagan site, now defiled, but what by what we might think of as missionaries for the Lord. The other man has been hard at work in his homestead for days delighted by his crop this year. His family will be well taken care of understandable. They've done everything right since the farm was first settled by his ancestor. They've followed all the rules. The first man who will call Sven because I'm really creative with Swedish names is shouting loudly, almost making a show of his aggression. I have a line that I would like Jesse to read in his best Swedish accent. Are you sending that to me? In Zen. Yep.

I saw of it and read it. Oh my God. This is why your crop is- But his hands are humid. This is why your crop has done so well. My mind suffers. Beautiful. My apologies. You just gave me so much more work. I need to edit in some title. Subtitles on a podcast, is that possible? For the audio listeners, I can't do that, but for the YouTube listeners, I can't. What do you mean? This is rough English. A dirt road is close enough. A passerby might hear and Sven is bad at hiding his intent to garner some interest. A second man who will call Bjorn is taken aback. Sven and Bjorn are the two

names Bjorn. He doesn't have any lines. I'm so sorry. It's the only two names that there are in this country. This is the only ones. He doesn't believe in the Christian God. He doesn't believe in the devil. But he actually does know to what Sven is referring. For that night, Sven saw something on Bjorn's farm. A three foot tall man with a long pointed head shuffling about in the stable. A creature well known to the Swedes even today that lives in gardens all over the world. Because you see, two Bjorn are confused farmer. Sven might as well have been speaking of a family member for to his family, that is what it was. A tomte or anissa, the spirit of the first farmer to claim and work the land. Bjorn's long dead ancestor and the night time protector of his home.

Time up. Up until recently. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Yes, he's diving in. He's done. He's already the wife. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is like an issue with Sandman. This is crazy. You should have expected this if you listened to the Alien episodes. Hold on. Yes. Oh, is this a fable or is this a, are you about to tell us a real story? Will you let me finish? Maybe. It depends on your... Welcome to True Matter Podcast. You officially had your first moment. Will you let me finish the story? Fine. Okay. Okay. And then there's a free for all. Okay? All right. Oh, I'm ripping apart.

Okay, okay, okay. Up until recently, the traditions surrounding these creatures were accepted by everybody. Don't abuse your animals or your family. Don't speak or behave rudely on your farm. And don't modernize because all tomte are grumpy old men deep down and change is annoying. So as long as you follow those rules as best you can, your little relative will help you care for the animals and crops while you sleep. Honestly, we should feel a bit sorry for Sven. His turn to Christianity has surely caused his crops to do so badly. It's not Bjorn's fault. The tomte at the rival farm probably ruined the crops and sowed the seeds of madness in the family in retaliation, as we know tomte are want to do when they're scorned. Despite the vitriol being

thrown at Bjorn, perhaps the Christian... How do we know this? How do we know that? Would you let me finish? You're adding flourishes that I can't confirm. Despite the vitriol being thrown at Bjorn, perhaps the Christian influence in Scandinavia is missing something important happening on their own soil. As Saint Bergita's voice reaches the ears of many in the 14th century, warning against the ancestor worship of tomte gods, something has already taken root, traveling to England and Scotland on the ships of the Vikings in the 8th century and finding new homes to live in. Not long after, their influence would spread the world over, and perhaps you even have a tomte idol on your street or in your yard.

So let's talk about gnomes, guys. Do you want to talk about gnomes? I'm so excited. So when you reached out to me, I want to talk about gnomes and stuff, and I'm like, there's a lot of subcategories of gnomes of like where you can go with this. Yes. So I'm excited to talk about tomte. So I specifically wanted to talk about the, if we can figure out chronologically, because from what I've read, there's so little info that ties together all of the different places that have this exact same imagery, right? Like so many places have this squat little man

with a pointed red hat that watches over a house or a garden. Like so many places are like, we did this first. But when I looked at everything chronologically, the tie-ins don't actually interfere with each other too much or at all. So I'm like, maybe we can figure out where it started and why we now are so chill with gnomes in everybody's gardens. Well, I'm not chilling gnomes in my gardens. I hate those things. My dad has like 10 of them. I'm actually more scared of human-sized statues that people have in their yards. There was a house up the street that had a Santa by the door that like comes up like

early December and it like, I was afraid to drive past the house at night because it always scared me. It's just looming in the darkness. So my question for you. Yes. Really quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hit me. You, so the story you told is one where I thought there was like some pyramid head killer walking around the farm.

That was the intention in how I read it. I mean, you got me. You got me. To answer your question from earlier being like, wait, was this an actual thing that this guy saw? Essentially, like, Tomta, like we think of gnomes now as being like itty-bitty or like borrowers or like that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. Little tiny cutie pies. Yeah.

Like a smaller dwarf even. Yeah. So a lot of these early versions of this lore, they were like three foot. So if a farmer nearby saw the silhouette of like a kid at your house, he could be like, dude has a Tomta, dude worships the devil. Dude doing weird rituals over there. Fuck that guy. That's unfortunate. So they only come out at night to do the work of the farm.

So they watch over the farm. They are protected. It's like if you lived in a house and you knew that your great, great, great grandfather bought that house originally and he just loved it so much that he just didn't leave. He haunted it from scratch. He haunted it forever. Yeah. Like an aggro, scary version of the Kiebler elves that moved that farm.

So they're like watchdogs. Terrible seeds in another's garden. They're like watchdogs that protect the farm overnight. Yeah. Yeah, kin too. It sounds. So is this is this a story of like don't come on. I'm trying to figure out what the like what the point is in the world of farm.

Well, because right because there's why people why people would think of this. Yeah. Because I wonder if it's sort of a, you know, it's night on a farm. To me, when I think farm at night, I think that's the scariest shit in the world. I don't know exactly. Wouldn't you want, wouldn't you want like a creature that is tied to you familiarly? That protect you on your side, protecting you while you sleep. Yeah.

And I wonder if that's, I wonder if it has to do with that. If it's like a thing you tell children to make them feel good about being like no one's around and it's nighttime and it's scary out there or if something is out there. Yeah. I'm talking to out there. Stabby in the butt with his hat. Like, or is it something you tell others to be like, don't come to my farm at night? Because my, that would have to, that would mean that the adults truly believe.

I have a strong little old man who lives outside of my farm at night. I'm saying it would have to have a lot of buy-in from the adults. Like I can see it being told to kids as sort of like, sure, one of the numerous cautionary tales that we always tell children to shut them up so we don't have to actually explain stuff. But I wonder if it's something adults believe because in the story, as an example, the one guy was like, oh, the devil, the devil's in me. So I don't know. I mean, they, they definitely treated it as real when trying to accuse other people

when Christianity started to take root in a burn the witch sort of way, right? Sure. Like it was, it was definitely brought up as like, they have a Tomta, it's a demon sent by Satan, right? That kind of a, kind of a vibe. It's like proof that they're cursed. Yeah. Or that they've, that they've done some kind of a ritual

intending to bring a demon to their farm. So they're like, damned, right? Well, why does what, where is the transition between it is a helpful relative and that is a demon? Okay. So, yeah, a lot of, a lot of the stuff that you find when you look it up, it's either Sweden or Germany. From what I can tell, actually, the first time that we see this gnome imagery, just to like go in order, right, is first century ancient Rome.

What? Damn. Yeah. So there's a minor Greek god named Priapus, who was like a, he was a farm god. So it's, he's like a car, but he like runs on electricity. Exactly. Yeah. He was all about fruit and gardens and livestock and more specifically, super into penises.

Hell, yes. So I actually have a picture for you guys. I don't know if I can send pictures in zoom. I have no idea actually. Um, essentially, like all of the common physical depictions were straight up just gnomes. They were gnome statues with like giant dicks or with a hidden dick inside of the statue. That is so wild. Yeah.

But they don't love penises. You know, they were really all about it. They really were. Lots of people had little tiny pee pee statues, though, like lots of different cultures had like their little like big dick statue. That's so weird. Totally. But did they have like, did they have little bronze dick statues that straight up just

looked like a bronze version of a gnome that you have in your yard, though? Because that's when it, that's when it's weird, right? It's like straight up just like it's, it's basically just the same ass imagery this whole time. Yeah. Wait, let me. That is so fucking. And then it's like a picture. That's like some like time travel stuff.

Yeah. It's wild. I'm having trouble finding it, but. You just Google gnome roam. Gnome roam. Gnome roam. It's just like a modern. Actually, your own garden gnome and Rome garden.

Priapas. Oh yeah. Wow. This he has really weirdly long legs. Ah, here we go. Here we go. Sound like radio. Okay.

This is not the only weirdly long thing he has. Yeah, no. It's this, this thing. So these were around in people's yards. Yes. Oh my God. It's like a matroshka doll, but like inside his body is a dick. It is a dick.

Yeah. Yeah. His upper half was a dick. And then you like hit it with the gnome part. You hit it like a little bell. Yeah. No, like he was hitting it, but the other part. You just, yeah.

Yes. We didn't have a talk about, about this gnome. This gnome is 90% legs. Yes. It's like a human body cut in half with a penis on top. And then just like a gnome that's dressed like in like swaddled like baby Yoda style. And he slots on it like a like a pencil topper.

Yeah. It's so weird. It's really good. It's very 249. Whatever that is. It's a bronze. It's a giant bronze penis. That's a, you know, that's a steal.

Yeah. For 300 Euro could be yours. We should get one of these in our merch shop. This is awesome. My favorite part is that instead of, Can it be a gray? Instead of reviews on this website, instead of reviews, it's listed as evaluations.

That is incredible. Did it succeed at what you needed it for? I see zero evaluations on this thing. I don't think a lot of people are out there buying a, Tragic. It is tragic. It's got a fertility erotic bronze figure in two parts. I don't think that's a thing people are out there getting.

The shame in two parts. And you're saying there's like parallel versions of this? No. So I'm saying that this is the first time that we can see like this type of like thing, this type of imagery, right? And there has been Roman equipment, like ancient Roman equipment found in the Scandinavian area. Okay.

So it could have, This idea could have potentially been brought to them. Okay. So then, yeah, in Sweden and Finland has like, from what I can tell, they have like kind of an adjacent idea. They believe in Haltia and they're, they could be spirits of or protectors of anything. So like, Mathis could have a Haltia,

but also Mathis's house could have a Haltia and Mathis's city could have a Haltia and the river nearby could have, right? So there's lots of them. Kind of vibes. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

So specifically a house one, I believe would be called a Koti Haltia. Also shout out to everybody who's actually from these countries that's going to roast the shit out of me. Love you. It's, it's fine. But yeah, generally they're, they're referred to as Tomta or Nissa.

Nissa is Old Norse and Tomta is more like the Swedish version of that. Let's say Tomta is the only one I'm familiar with, name-wise I have read that before, but the others I have not. So if, if we believe that ancient Rome somehow brought this idea to the Scandinavian area, and then when the Vikings peace out in the eighth century and came to like the Anglo-Scottish zone, then they also brought, you know, this much stronger now lore of like Tomta.

And it would have clashed. Yeah. Wow. What a, so it's just like a meme. It's just straight up, it's like, they just all. It's a meme. Look at this little Dick Goblin guy. And we love him and I want him in front of my house.

So what is he? He's ours. I made this. Well, I like how I went from Dick Goblin to family, family spirit. However, they are, they can be malevolent. They're not like always good. Yeah. I get that they're like kind of scared.

Like the vibe is that they're a little dangerous, right? It's just like any other sort of fey creature, right? It's, it's like, yeah, they're good as long as you follow their rules or as long as you're entertaining or et cetera, et cetera. Think of Jeff the Mongoose. We did way back when he was like, you know, one of those kind of creatures that was just, you couldn't really understand him.

But I can be nice if I want to. Yeah. You couldn't really understand his motives and what he existed for. With Tomta, it was literally like, don't be rude on the farm. Don't abuse your animals. Don't abuse your family. Don't modernize, which is very specific.

Yeah. Well, they're, they're old and they don't like for things to change. They want to know that everything's going to be as close to how it was when they were around, right? This is the plot of the Witcher now. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And so if you happened to like really tick them off,

um, yeah, like mentioned in the story, they, it was rumored they could either do something as simple as, um, you know, mess with your crops and, and, you know, cause a bunch of mischief and then leave. Or, uh, they could basically drive your entire family insane. That's a wide range of possibilities. Yeah, that's, it's, you know. High stakes all of a sudden. Very high stakes.

So, uh, they did a lot to try and keep the dump to happy. Oh my God. Yeah. So, uh, we're like the gnome in the gnomes garden is what it is. Wow. A way to bring it an extra level deep out. They're the boss. You know what I'm saying?

They're the boss. Yeah, exactly. It's, I don't, so it like, if they're, if they are family spirits, it's like, why are you so twisted if you're just there to drive your own family insane? They are like a afterlife bastardized version of living, right? So there's always like something skewed there. There's always something kind of like otherworldly and grotesque about it, at least at that time.

That makes sense. Yeah. So Vikings come over to England-ish around like the eighth century. Um, and we know that, that like back in Sweden, around 1300s, so time jump, but around the 1300s is when Christianity actually started to finally like take root there. So in Sweden? In Sweden. Yeah.

So people like Bjorn in our fake story, um, you know, they're doing everything right. That was a fake story. It was a fake story. Wow. That was just our writers. Got me. False. You know, he's like leaving the porridge out for the tompda, another big thing.

Tompda love porridge. He's leaving the porridge out for the tompda. He's like making sure he's doing everything good. And meanwhile. Wait, okay. What else the tompda like? Do you know? I kind of want to do this.

I kind of want to leave some porridge out for some tompda. Are you going to stop this? Viewers, do this with me. Don't. Listen, let's all put some porridge out for the tompda. Don't do this. If you have some porridge, it makes an instant porridge. I don't know.

Maybe some cream. You're like, do not worry, Charlie. Call the aliens with their psychic powers. It didn't work. But maybe the tompda will work. It depends. I'm going to let you hear the descriptions of how wacky it got in England and Scotland and the like English Scottish versions of this.

And then you can decide which one you would want to appeal to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. I'm excited. Yeah. So England and Scotland, they start having these like weird skewed out like versions of this that they call cuff goddess or old gods and old English. And of these, only a couple of them are still popularized and like known about brownies or

brunies in Scotland and hob in England. They're basically the same. It's the same sort of an idea as a tompda. They're about the same size, but just to like really mess with you. They can be invisible if they want. They can transform into animals if they want. They are perpetually covered in hair even in their human forms. All right.

Yeah. And they're about three foot. So like that idea has maintained. They're about three feet tall. They want milk. So while the tompda wants porridge, they just want a saucer of milk. And in a good Dobby fashion from Harry Potter, they will get offended and leave your home if you give them clothes.

Oh, so. Okay. If that's gotta be where she pulled it from. Yeah. If if they get annoyed with you, if you do something to make them mad, the way to like banish them from your house, they actually have a way to get rid of them, right? As opposed to like early like you can just leave them clothing and then and then they'll leave. It took them a few centuries to figure out the exploit.

You know, it took a while. Yeah. Well, they turned on cheats first. They were like, yeah, well, I'm invisible now. And, you know, I have like all these powers. So whatever, have some clothes, loser. Nobody wants to see you. Get out of here.

Does it make them homeless like it does in the in the stories? Does it does it make them destitute? Because I'd like to think it does. Well, I'm trying to remember. I think like it's going next door. Well, yeah. So in in Scandinavian versions of this, they are bound to the home. And so for them to leave is a huge deal, right?

Once once it started to take off in in England, Scotland, Ireland, all of that. Typically, they can leave. They can come and go as they please. They aren't bound there necessarily. But that sort of slips into the Bogart aspect of it. So both brownies, broonies and hob can become Bogarts or bugbears, bogeymen, like all of that. Because in their lore, they aren't bound to the home.

They will straight up follow the family wherever they go. So if they become a malevolent spirit, they will just follow you forever. Unless you can figure out a way to reason with them or get rid of them. But if you make the mistake of referring to them by a name and giving them a name, they will never leave you. And you will have a Bogart in your family forever. It's just such a strange aspect of it.

So that's the easiest slip up in the world. Are there any benefits? Like benefits to a Bogart? Is this doing anything good? No, Bogarts are literally just like this thing used to be nice and help out around your house. And maybe get mischievous sometimes. And then you did something wrong and made them so angry,

they turned into like a terrifying, horrifying creature. So, yeah. That kind of sounds almost skin walkery. It's like fan fiction of like the original Roman god that's like been changed by like three different cultures now. And now they're just like giving him powers. It's like all the different color kryptonites for Superman and stuff. Like it's just they're just expanding the legend.

I'm not sure if you saw that original Roman god, just human pair of legs with a short torso, the silhouette of the thing walking in your farm in the middle of the night. And it just kind of pops its top off and just kind of pisses in your garden. Oh, I don't like it. It pops its top back up and just rolls out. And it's a chicken boot. Yeah, so, you know, we've got that we've got that whole thing going on,

which is pretty close to Tomta. But they also started to have sort of a weird religious skew to them. If you know the term Lubber Fiends or Lubberkin, that's that's what Hellboy is believed to be just as a side note. They're okay. Yeah, they're considered to be like monstrous children of witches and demons. Yeah, there's one in the Witcher, too. Yeah, exactly.

And some versions of them, for the most part, they act just like Tomta and they just they serve humans and they do chores and whatever. But they're like a bit more like on the monster side of things. But some versions of them literally just hang out in Abbey's and try to mess with monks. So they basically represent like gluttony, like their little gluttony demons. And they just hang out and are like, you should drink more wine, man. You should eat some more like all this.

90s bully from every don't do drugs commercial ever. And then this is the best one, the red caps. I believe that they showed up around the 1300s. Um, they are just straight up awful, malevolent creatures. Um, and sometimes like Tomta Nissa, no, all of that is translated to goblin. It's normally in cases where they're just straight up evil. So red caps are considered goblins. And they're also English folklore.

Yes, this is also England. He will live in an abandoned or ruined place and wait until somebody needs shelter. And then he'll kill them and soak his cap in their blood, which is why he gets the name red cap. So all those gnomes with the big red caps, they're like, we've killed and we'll kill again. Yeah, you know, uh, he's once again, like a short human, but he's got really sharp teeth, long sharp nails.

Just looks generally terrifying. But you can drive them away with the holy scripture, obviously. What, why does he soak his hat? Is there a reason? Is he just, is just that's just what he does a fashion thing in his world. It's, you know, like how serial killers always have a trophy. Yeah, you know, with Dexter. Yeah, yeah, I, I feel like it's self-explanatory.

Oh, all right. Like if I saw him and he like, he was like, I was like, what's that guy do? And he like, he's like, see this? I dip this in the blood of the last guy that I let come in here and chill out. I would be like, okay, holy shit. Just pull that a blunt. Want to come hang? I don't, I would not hang out with a red cap.

Now I'm not, I'm not a fool. So the transition, why did they go from being, uh, like helpful pharma spirits to suddenly all of them seem kind of problematic? Was it because of Christianity or what was the- From what I can tell, it's because of the Christian influence. So yeah, they were always like, it was always, you had the potential to make them upset. But overall, they were there to be helpful and they didn't want to kill anybody.

But because Christians generally looked at them as like a demonic figure or as ancestor worship, if you believed that they were like a past relative and stuff like that, they took on more of a, of a demon context. It's just auto bad just cause it's not doctrine. Yeah. So that makes sense. Yeah. So we've got people like, um, Samper Geitha who was in Sweden, I believe.

And she's literally telling people like, you need to be careful because Tomptas are, are driving you from the Lord, right? Like specifically talking about Tomptas. So I think there was probably a lot of, uh, I don't know, bad press for them. A lot of gnomes, a lot of gnomes in the yards that were pissing off the church. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they, they just didn't like it anymore. And you know, a general distaste for idolatry in general.

So once they became like figures, it was, that was also like a step too far. We haven't gotten there yet, but, um, I know it just goes on. No, I mean, I got to ask in your research, I know we're going to go further, but in your research, did you find yourself in a hole of seeing like gnomes caught on camera videos? I did look up some gnomes caught on camera videos. And can I be honest? Every single one of them, I was like, I just, I didn't see anything.

What are they talking about? Have you seen the Dobby one though? The one with like the little gremlin that like runs by the kids. That one. It's like, it's like this dude in the yard is like, Hold on, I'll find that on my leg. It's always, there's some great Groblin ones. Most of the time, like, like Dodger said, it's like a pixel in the darkness

that might be moving. You're not entirely sure, but people are screaming and they're freaking out. Yeah. It's like that video where the uncle shows up as Shrek and all the kids hate it. It's, it's just like that, except a pixel. This is the Dobby video for you. If you've never seen the Dobby video. I want to, I would love to hear you're like,

I'm watching it right now. Organic reaction to this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Me too. I'm excited to see. Oh, it looks like it's only 30 seconds. Great. Yeah. It's less than that really.

Oh, yes, I've seen this. Yeah. People are like, what is that? So, I have seen this. I love it. Wait, I have seen this. This is so weird. That's the red cap, right?

That's it. He's missing his hat. Like a chicken dance halfway through. It looks like he's high tailing out of there. He's like, oh. So what's the, can I just ask? What's the, what's the pitch for why this isn't a kid? It looks creepy.

There's no pin. There's no pin for why this isn't a kid. I think it's just look at it. Like, yeah. Sure. The way it walks, it just, I mean, it looks like just. Just someone who just figured out that they can balance weird. That's just what I'm now, like now that I've seen this video,

like that is what I think of when I think of like, if there was like a gnome that was like a, like a sort of like slightly scarier when they do like the real fairy tale version where like the little mermaid dies or whatever, like this is the gnome version. Right. I will find, I mean, I know we gotta, we gotta push on, but there's also a great video of like a little,

some dude in the woods who was like, catches what is a gnome. And he's like, that is a very famous video. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you know what I'm talking about? Okay. Cool.

No. Anyway, continue. Sorry. Oh no, it's totally fine. Yeah. So all that stuff that we just talked about is like 1400s to late 1700s is as that stuff is starting to take root in the minds of people. Seems to be crystallizing a little bit.

Yeah. Yeah. So now we're starting to get some traction, right? We're in the 1700s now. Can I just say before, before you start? Yes, what? I found a video from the show Inside Edition where they say they debunked the Dovey story. And they say it's a little boy with underwear on his head.

And I just want to let you know that's really funny. They're like, it's a little boy with underwear on his head. You can see here and I'm like, no, I can't do this right now. I love it. Did he dip the underwear in the blood of a dead traveler though? I mean, it's anything's possible these days. All right. Sorry, I'm watching the video again.

Okay. No, it's just something, the new lens of like a child with underwear on it. It is a child with underwear. Got it. It absolutely is. Yes, I love it. All right. So information, traveling quicker, cultures, sharing more, the 15th and 16th century.

There's this weird dude named Paracelsus in Switzerland who's like popularizing the idea of elementals of which he believes gnomes are the elemental and protector of the earth. So the concept of gnomes is now like Switzerland, France, Germany. We definitely see them a lot and Germany tends to be like gnomes are ours. We made those. So this guy's like looking at the board and he's like, yeah, all this shit is just like sort of like every country's version of this one elemental creature that's like the spirit of the earth.

So he was a fascinating weirdo. He believed in what's called like hermeticism, which is that the body relies on harmony of human and nature. So it's like if somebody says, oh, if you find a plant and it looks like your liver, it means that it's good for your liver, like that kind of stuff. If you've ever heard people talk about that. Sounds like it works in like a Minecraft game, but not in real life. So he he insisted that one of the things that we needed to rely on and know more about

were the elementals that governed nature. And that would help us like keep ourselves healthy. Yeah. So gnomes governed the earth. Salamanders were fire. Undyne were water and silphs were air. Oh, he played Secret of Mana. Exactly.

So you put out like a saucer of milk to get in balance with the earth. Love the connection. It works so well. Maybe. I'm honestly not sure what his pitch was aside from like, you know, there are elementals out there and maybe they can maybe they can help you. It like sounds like how it is now kind of right. Like that's kind of like just exactly the root of like exactly what I think of from like D&D as a no.

Yeah. So earth likes milk. What are the other three like? Well, water. Yeah. Wait, the oh, what is like the the shoot? What are those called? Salamander like talkies.

What are the what are the the liquids associated with the humors? Hold on. I need I need to look. Um, shit. I have my vampire book. I can't believe this is. Hold on. Let me use my vampire book.

I know. Yellow bile, blood, yellow bile, black bile and phlegm. There we go. Hype. So awful. None of those are porridge or milk. Yeah, no, no, no, no, I don't know if they would want to eat them. If he goes through my body, porridge and milk eventually becomes yellow bile.

Yeah, that's fair. Same. All right. Thanks. Body facts for Alex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In Germany around like the Renaissance, it seems like they were looking at what came to be known as grotesques, which are like humanoid full full on statues.

So like full size human sized statues that rich people put in their yards. Everybody was super into like, into like strange stuff around that time. Just looking at it and tripping out. Yeah, just like the, you know, the disgust of humanity and stuff like that. So they made like purposefully ugly stuff and put them in their yards. And everybody was like, oh, yes, I love it. So honestly, very into it, very into it. So, um,

that's when we started to first get garden gnomes. It was Germany. So for Germany, they started to make them lots of people started to design them and put them in yards. They started to take off in Germany. It hit mass production in like the 1800s. So they're not necessarily wrong, I guess, if they're just like, well, we own gnomes in that. They were the first commercial creators.

And also it's, it's believed that they gave them the name gnome based off of the figure because the, the figures themselves were called nomen figurine, um, which means miniature figure. So from there, they were gnomes. Yeah, many, many. Gentlemen, we can call them like yard goblins. Right. I mean, you can call them yard goblins, but you've already established that you hate them. So that's true.

Little beardies, uh, little beardies. They were like kind of an idyllic representation of the belief that a gnome would protect your house. It's again, the exact same idea. You're kind of like, it's like a crucifix. You're like, just repping your shit. Yeah, totally. So you would buy a gnome, you would aim it at your livestock or at your crops. And it was believed that like that was the physical representation of this creature or

this idea of like a protective spirit, right? Right. And obviously now they're just, they're just garden gnomes. But at the time, um, they had like purpose and then honestly, like it, it seems like there's this dude named Sir Charles Isham and he was from England and he came to Germany and was like, Oh my God, these gnomes are tight and just bought a ton of them, like 30 or 40 of them and brought them back to his house and put them everywhere in his garden. Just for fun?

Because he was like, these are sick. Yeah. And he had like, he had enough influence that all of these high society people kept coming over and again, we're like, Oh, I love them. The ghastly, right? This is hideous. I must have seven. So then everybody else started to buy them and it was at that point that it seems like

they became more of like, I just think they're neat, right? Like they had no purpose. They were just, they were just fun. I think that's my favorite fact of this so far is that one man was just like, I love this and it just sparked an outrage where he came from. But what that means to me is that even from the beginning, the whole idea of gnomes, which like in my mind, I'm like, Oh, it's like some type of old lady thing. It must have been like fashionable at some point.

It was. But the reason that it was fashionable from the beginning was like, look at all these weird little men everywhere. It's always a weird thing. I love that. That is, that makes them so much better. I want one now. So one of the earliest ones that was owned by this dude and in his yard is named Lampy.

He was made in 1847. He still exists. You can go see him at Lamport Hall in Loddington, England. I intend to do so just because I have to now. Yeah. Now you now you have no choice. The reason there's only one left is that his daughters fucking hated them. I'm with the daughters on that one.

Undercover of night, grabbed all of the ones they could find. Lampy just happened to be hidden, grabbed all the ones they could find and disposed of them. And now Lampy is worth two million pounds. Wow. Because it's the oldest garden gnome ever now. And this is just a small little man. You see the formations of what would eventually become horrible looking garden gnomes in this guy. Right.

They're like the remnants of the very first time that somebody's girlfriend was like, I don't care. There's too many figures of Batman in this house. And overnight when you're gone, you're working late in your security shift over at the local mall. She just fucking bet trash bags, all of them. And it reverberated through time and space. And now we all have these shitty little old men, penis dolls, in memoriam of the first weird thing that we collected around our houses.

Can I ask like a crazy question? Absolutely. Looking at Lampy on my screen right now. Yes. And then you said this was 1840 something. 1847. Can I make a wild ass or like wild acitation about what I think. For sure.

That's what this entire thing has been for me is me just being like, I'm speculating that this is the chronological order of this shit. So yeah, absolutely. Go for it. So I don't know if this is where you're taking us, but I have a feeling this is where we're going because it is so effing American. It's just the most American thing. All right.

So we have it's 1840 something. We have this gnome. I imagine you said it was from Germany originally. And so Germany was the first ones to make the popularized. So there's like a popularized. I imagine they are like stone or clay, right? Something like that. I can't remember.

It says on there terracotta. Yeah. So they so at the time they're making these it's Germany. My assumption is that we have two world wars and the production of these ceases. Yes. Yep. That's very true. Because America is America.

Sometime in the 1950s or 60s, someone was like, you know what? Super kitsch, garden gnomes. And they started making those plastic monstrosities we know today. And that's why we think of gnomes the way we think of gnomes. Can I assume I'm correct in that? Because it sounds exactly like what's going to happen. Yeah. That's that's basically it.

Yeah. Lots of war. And they just stopped making like these these good high quality ones for a while. And they obviously make them again now and you can get nice ones now. But the original like company that tried to mass produce them was not able to continue to do so. I would imagine that, you know, Germany took some hard hits for 40 some years. The original Chachki.

Yeah. And so I can I can see it as clear as day. Just like everything that America had in the late 40s, early 50s, was just like, it's a fun, cute thing we saw overseas. Yeah, he went from being the god of like gardens and life and dicks to like the god of like useless crap that you buy and leave in your house. Family members resent you for. Oh, my God.

It's like a great a great story, though, of like just how this crazy cryptid stuff ties into like actual history and why actual history is just so fascinating. One fucking dude was just like, love it. And that was it. Right. And again, yeah, like if if we're to say that ancient Rome brought this over to Scandinavia, it could have easily brought it other areas that that the Romans went. Right. So, you know.

But timing wise, it totally works out if that is what happened. If the idea started there in the first century and then went to Scandinavia, went to what is now the United Kingdom, spread throughout Europe and eventually like all over the world. And it's not that it's not that everywhere else in the world doesn't have stories of like homestead guardian spirits. They do. But if we follow specifically like this imagery and this sort of a thing,

this is the the path that you can kind of naturally find for it. Specifically the tubby little belly button man. Specifically the shirt and pants. Pointed hat. Yeah. And and like now kind of to that point of, you know, now it's for us, it's it's a, you know, did it ever really have meaning for us? Not really.

Right. Like we're not really. No. No. Grandma's creepy statue is what it meant to me. Right. Yeah. Same.

But it's but it's like it's fun and it's kitschy. You know, they're they don't have an air of malice or like concern or anything like that. Right. They're they belong in like imagery of like Tim Burton. Like like what's the movie? Edward Scissorhands vibes. Right. Yes.

100 percent. In our culture, like they fit in like a weird like suburbia vibe for me. Yeah. But but if you're to go back to Sweden, the Tomta is now has has also had like a transformation there and it's stuck around, but it's now the Yule Tomta, which is where we get the idea of Santa's elves from. So now the Yule Tomta doesn't. The Yule lads.

Yeah. The Yule lads. Yeah. The Yule Tomta, you know, comes by on Christmas hopes that there's going to be some porridge there to answer your question from earlier, Mathis. They would like a small bowl of porridge with a small cut of butter on top. Oh, all right. All right.

Simple. Time to take my porridge. Yeah. So you leave that for them at night. It's kind of the cookies and milk of Santa, right? But for them, you leave them porridge and then they come by and they they drop off presents. Um, and and that's their job now. Like that's the that's the Tomta job now.

But if you scream at them, they will slit your throat. And if you scream at them, they have their hats in your blood. Yeah. Don't ruin your life and destroy your crops. Yeah. I keep wondering if it goes back more than the first century, like as a Roman thing, because you imagine the Roman Empire extended so wide that there's a chance because you keep hearing, you know, if you like delve into, you know, ancient Chinese mythology,

there's always like a little short fat guy who's causing trouble, right? There's I'm curious if there's, you know, if it's like you can go back even further. I'm sure it just requires a lot of research, but like it's fascinating. Or maybe like, follow me here. What if there was an alien from another planet who was small and he was a troublemaker and he made a very big impression on a very many people. Hung out for centuries, dude. And his name was E.T.

Not E.T., no, not E.T. Yeah. So that's like, I know that this was very Eurocentric. I wanted, I wanted to work in stuff from other areas. But if, look, listeners, if you enjoyed this and you want me to come back and talk about more weird like fantasy folklore stuff, there are some crazy like fairies from Africa and Japan and all kinds of places that I was itching to stick in here and it just didn't fit. So I'm sure I would, we would love to hear those, those stories of those crazy small

human shaped creatures that are nice, but kind of scary. Or maybe they're just always nice. That's true. They could be, you know, I'm maybe not all of them are the like, I'm nice until you cross me and then I hate you. That's true. It's the haunted dolls. That's true. I mean, you know, I'm just trying to, you know, I'm just trying to obey the law of the jungle. That's it. What do you think Sherlock Gnomes fits into this?

I mean, every society, right? Once, once it evolves to a certain level of civilization, there's going to be some sort of law enforcement, right? Right, right, right. You know, I just figured, where do those movies all fit in? Nomeo and Juliet. How do you think that works in this? I want, okay, we have to end this now. The more of these movies, the more you do, you're not know of the, there's a series of gnome based movies. And they all take place in the same gnome world, but they're all different.

There's Nomeo and Juliet. They're Sherlock Gnomes. Oh my god. I hate it. What was the show that was like, what, wasn't there a show that was like Stephen the gnome or something? He had a wife. Yes. Stephen the gnome was great. I think he's cartoon, right? I don't know if it wasn't called Stephen the gnome. Is that right? Am I wrong about the name?

That sounds right. That sounds right to me. And then he just dies at the end. He like rides off like in like Frodo and Gandalf at the end of Lord of the Rings. David the gnome. David. David the gnome. The world of David the gnome. This is 1985. Like that. Three seasons and he dies at the end. I'm pretty sure you're correct.

He rode a dog like a horse and at the end, he's like swamp thing. Like he goes off into the light. Like he just becomes one with like fades away. Yeah. He said the world has moved on from him. This is this is like ever so slightly adjacent. But since I worked a couple of other pop culture things in there, any of you who are really into Moomin, I've been reading the Moomin books,

like the original Moomin books to my daughter and they are dark and sad. And they, the Moomins were originally pitched as a stove spirits. So like creatures that lived behind your stove. And in the lore of Moomins, they were driven out because of the modernization of stoves. Oh my God. Huh. So there's that.

That's bizarre. I just thought they were like hippos or something. What? I just thought they were like really nice hippos. I don't know. They're weird little house spirits. And in the books, they're like desperately trying to find a new home in a world where

there are now modern stoves. There are no wood stoves left. It's like a Miyazaki movie. Oh my God. This is a screenshot of Sherlock Noem. There's a Noem in like a Borat. I just want you to see the screen, the screenshot of Sherlock Noem has so much in it.

Oh wait, I need to see this movie now. There's so much in this image. I need to see this movie now. There's a Noem in a Borat bikini. Like banana sling. That was the first thing I saw. I can't figure out why there's different types. There's little tiny Noems and there's big Noems and there's blue hat Noems and red.

So the woman in the red hat is a killer Noem. Lot going on in this image. Right. Yeah. Now that we know where the red hat Noems come from, some of the mystery is solved. And why does Noem Watson have a bowler hat? Because it's his thing.

Is that the side of the correctional? Sherlock is also wearing his thing. But are they outcasts because they have special hats? They're not blood dippers for sure, but like that. They're not blood dippers. We don't know what type of Noem they are. Also, why do they have flower pots that are Noem size? Lot of questions about this movie.

Too many for us to answer in just one episode. But I want to let you know this is one of the many Noem movies that exist, that have been out in the last five years. Y'all are missing out in the Noem series. The Noem CU, dude. Great. Well, thank you so much, Dodger, for bringing us that amazing topic. Of course.

We appreciate it greatly. And again, if everybody wants to hear more, you're welcome to come back. All right, before we leave, we're Noems Real. Oh, do I believe Noems are real? I'm asking all of you. We're Noems Real. Just because I know Pygmies are real, I think that Noems could be real. I think they could be at least based off.

Like, I think somebody maybe saw something that they explained to themselves as a Noem. I think there may be some fact at the center of the Noem legend. I don't know, man. After you see those YouTube videos, you just can't go back. I mean, Dodger said like a kid alone could be a Noem. Like, you know what I mean? I think that somebody wasn't lying when they said they saw Noem. That's my thing, too.

That's where I'm at as well. It's like, I believe that people saw what they believed to be a Noem, for sure. Or a Nissa, or a Tompda, or a Bruni, or a Haber. All those fun, delightful words. Oh, also, I should say before, like a bunch of Irish people are like, what about silkies? What are they? There's so much conflicting information, guys. Are they seal people?

Are they ladies? Are they just Lady Tompda? Are they like, it's all over the place. I ignored them. Wait, what, seal people? Isn't there like a horse element, too? It's a silkies. So some things say that they are seals that can turn into women.

They are half seal, half woman. Or they are just fairies. Or they are literally Lady Tompda. I was like, I really want to work this in because it's the only one that isn't like, it's an ugly old man who walks around your house while you sleep, right? I was like, it's the only one. He's literally his penis. It's the only one that's like some feminine energy.

But the info is never consistent. So I just kind of like left it by the wayside because it wasn't really mentioned that much. But it is believed that silkies can also, whatever they are, that they can also become bogarts. So. Oh, they can, they can, and they call it bogarts. They even say they can turn into bogarts. Yeah.

Just like, just like Hobbes and brownies, they can become Hobbets, quinsidents. Oh my God. Wow. You cracked it open, Alex. Holy shit. I got to go to bed. That's why you come on this show, you know, for the real secrets. This is my brain shit.

The conspiracy shit. I'm not even going to handle it. Hell yeah. Well, thank you so much, Dr. for coming on and bringing us information on these wonderful little hobbit creatures, gnome creatures, whatever you want to call them. Yeah. There's so many different ones. So if you want to come back on, you're more than welcome to bring a,

bring more wild info with you. We will be back next week, but we're going to go record a mini. So. Oh my gosh. Where, so if you, you know, if you got, if you want more of us. If you're sitting here and you're like, I'm not satiated. I need more of this. I like these guys.

I want to watch it go to the Patreon and sign up in the tier with the bonus soads. Where do you get the extra episodes of the talking about the weird stuff? Okay, cool. That was great. That was a great sell out. I appreciate it. I'm trying to mix it up. I'm trying to, you know, I have a lot of different, I'm trying to appeal to everybody.

You know what I mean? You do honestly doing a phenomenal job. Everyone is what I always say. The longer the better. That's what we keep you around for. Yeah. That's what we're here for. Dodger, where can people find you on the internet?

Have you got anything big coming up going on right now? Oh gosh. I'm just, I'm dex bonus on everything. Life is pretty, pretty samey, but I stream almost every day and I've, I've got a cute kid and I talk about D&D a lot and, you know, you have a cute kid. Just fun vibes. So if you want to hang out, then come hang out.

But if you want more good weird shit, just listen to these guys because they've got an amazing podcast and I've been mainlining it while I do dishes. And it's wonderful. Your sanity must be slipping so fast. It is big time because, you know, out, out my window is just darkness. So fuck knows. Are you in Alex and Mathis or Jesse? Am I, am I in Alex and Mathis or Jesse?

I would say I'm more of an Alex. I appreciate that. That would have been my guess. I'm like willing to believe, but I'm also, I'm also cynical. So yeah, that's the, that's the smart way to live. Alex, what about you? Where would you work to find you? Find me on the web.

You can find me on the internet where I talk with my friends. My name is Alex Fosiani. Find me out there. Check out Star Wars new canon book club with Jesse on there and Davis on there. And we talk about the Star Wars on the line as Jess, as a Davis slowly slips into the alt-right world. It's not the real alt-right. It's just like the Star Wars alt-right, but he's, he's on his way.

Which is way more sad. It's like a word. Yeah, it's like it's sadder. Yeah, it's definitely sadder to look at from the outside. Jesse, what about you? Hi, it's me. Internet's Jessica Cox here to ruin all your fun. Uh, that's pretty much it.

I got nothing else for you. I mean, it's weird, it's weird that we're advertising to people who are already listening to our podcast. Hey man, you don't know, there are a lot of people out there who say they've never heard of us outside of the podcast. You stream your show? I think it's time to put it out there. You know, just keep watching, keep dreaming, keep being yourself.

And remember, only you can prevent forest fires. That's true. Excellent. See you next week, everybody. Goodbye. Bye. Anyway, me and my wife were sitting outside indulging on our porch one night enjoying ourselves.

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