Christ With Coffee On Ice - life-hack to healthy relationships

Episode Date: September 5, 2025

Hey y'all ! Welcome to another Friday with CWCOI ! In this week's episode, our host, Ally Yost talks about what a healthy relationship is. Whether it's a romantic or platonic relationship, the only way it can be healthy is when God is at the center of it. "For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind." James 3:15-16 ☆ REP CWCOI MERCH ➤ https://allyyost.com ☆ MY BIBLE (code 'ALLYYOST' at checkout) ➤ https://hosannarevival.com/collections/beautiful-bibles/products/nlt-notetaking-bible-versailles-theme  ☆ TUMBLER LINK ➤ https://allyyost.com/products/travel-tumbler ☆ JESUS FREAKS | OFFICIAL TRAILER ➤ https://youtu.be/DbbJHm0WfJg?si=ErjC8Z9_TmC5VLar ☆ EARLY ACCESS TO EPISODES AND BONUS PERKS ➤ https://patreon.com/CWCOI  ☆ GIVE TO CWCOI ➤ https://www.paypal.me/CWCOI _____________________________________________  Connect further with us ! TikTok ➤ https://www.tiktok.com/@christwithcoffeeonice  Instagram ➤ https://instagram.com/christwithcoffeeonice _____________________________________________  Connect further with Ally !  TikTok (2M) ➤ https://www.tiktok.com/@ally_yost  Instagram ➤ https://www.instagram.com/ally_yost/  ShopMy ➤ https://shopmy.us/allyyost Pinterest ➤ https://www.pinterest.com/ally_yost1/_created/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Christ with coffee on ice. I am your host, Ali Yost. It is a joy and honor to be here with you guys today. How is everybody doing? Happy Friday. We have our coffee on ice. We do, but first and foremost, we do have our Christ. We have our Word of God here with us today. Yeah, I'm really excited for today's episode, you guys. Okay, listen, I'm not a counselor. I'm not a therapist. But this episode is definitely kind of giving therapy, I guess, or just, I don't know, just sister to sister or sister to brother. We're going to talk about some things. And I really just want to speak from a place of testimony, okay? And I really, I try my best to honestly only ever speak from that place because,

yeah, I mean, I can only really talk about the things that the Lord has shown me, taught me, walked me through, right, when it comes to just, you know, anything that I could bring here to the podcast. I always want it to come from a place of experience rather than just talking about something without, I don't know, really having wisdom. And, the definition of wisdom is when knowledge is applied to life, right? So this really is coming from a place of wisdom that was provided by Abba. He gave me the knowledge. And so we've applied and we've learned and we've failed, but we've also won. And yeah, I'd love to just talk about it with you guys and share like what I've walked through and what I've truly learned when it comes to healthy,

godly relationships. And this doesn't always have to be romantic. I feel like we love to jump to that, which is exciting and fun and feel free to do that because it does, what we'll talk about today absolutely applies to romantic relationships. But a lot of these lessons and these things that I've learned have also totally applied to platonic relationships and friendships. So today we're going to talk about what a healthy relationship is. I feel the like sponge bob. I've done that before. The rainbow with the sparkles. Okay. But healthy relationships. And I really believe that the only way we can actually have healthy relationships with one another within the church, whether it's romantic or platonic, is when God is at the center of it. And so with everything that we talk about today,

I think it'd be really cool for us to say, is this what God does with us? And I think that's a really good way to discern whether you're actually like operating in a place of true love, which we talked about a few weeks ago on the podcast. I don't know when it was, but we did. We talked about, you know, the definition of true love and what love really is. And love really only comes from the character of God. It's who he is. Some of it will probably talk. into that a bit. But yeah, I think that the healthiest way to do that is to be like, is this, you know, with each thing we talk about, be like, this, yeah, this sounds familiar. This is actually something God would do with me. Or I've experienced the Lord extend to me, you know? So the way that we show up in relationships

and the way that we have healthy relationships is truly, first and foremost, having God at the center of it, because he is the only one that can really teach us and show us how to have healthy relationships, you know, through conflict or through disagreements, through challenges, through our own triggers, you know, internal things. I think a lot of times as we're in relationships. And I can speak from this POV because I once was in relationships before I knew Jesus and now I'm in relationships where I do know Jesus. And what I've realized is the Lord has shown me that a lot in relationships is internal.

Like us really looking inward rather than looking so outward. when we are called to serve one another and love one another in the definition of what God says love is, it does require a lot of internal reflection, right? Because I think the only way that we can actually truly love people well and be healthy in relationships, not perfect. Okay, we're not going to put a bunch of pressure on ourselves that we're supposed to be perfect for each other. We should strive. We should try to be the best we can, you know, but we're not talking about perfection. But it is interesting that as you are walking in godly relationships, it really actually ends up revealing a lot within yourself.

And so the only way we can serve is by looking inward and letting the Lord kind of like work on us inside to pour out to other people and love them well. Okay, so I really was just kind of going off in my notes of things that just came to my mind of what is really crucial and necessary for having healthy, godly relationships. I don't know, whatever.

What do we want to call it healthy, godly, godly relationships that are healthy? Okay. And we're just going to go through it. Hopefully we're not too scatterminded right now, but we're just going to hit each little bullet point that I wrote and expand on each one. Okay. And I'm going to just testify and say, you guys,

I probably didn't really even know how to do any of this before I knew Jesus. And so I will say that if after we go through all these things, you're like, I can't do any of that. Like, I don't know how to do these things. I'm telling you that I'm telling you that I'm telling you the only way that you can do these things. Because you can't do it. You can't do these things. your own. You can't. And something that I've also had to learn is that this is like a daily bread,

this fruit. Essentially, this is all fruit, right, that can only come from the Spirit of God. So the only way that we can do these things is by staying connected to the vine, which we've talked about here on the podcast, right? Staying connected to Jesus daily. This is like a daily death to ourselves and a daily practice of choosing to let Jesus fill you, overtake you, and then operate and work through you in your relationships. So this. This is not something that you could do on your own unless you are getting in secret with Jesus every day and letting him fill you, okay? Which honestly, he doesn't even ask us to do that much to do that, which is crazy. It's not that hard to do as long as your heart is opened to transformation.

As long as you are humble at his feet and saying, hey, God, I'm imperfect and I need you to work on my heart. I need you to renew my mind today so that I can continue to love the people that I love well today. And that's all he needs. That's all he needs is your time. He needs your intentionality. and he needs you to just be open and humble at his feet. And you'll be able to do all these things. Isn't that good news? That's good news, guys.

That's good news. So the first thing that came to my mind, these are all things that the Lord has taught me. I was not good at any of these things before him, okay? Is clear communication and honesty. Now we say these things, and even this is said in the world. This is said in all relationships, even outside of, you know, Christ-centered relationships.

But clear communication and honesty is so important. and I will just say for myself, the avenue of communication and honesty that's been hard for me, and I'm still actively practicing. I've gotten a lot better at it. Thank you. Jesus is admitting when I need things or admitting when things kind of bother me. You know what I mean? I think a lot of my life, I've been afraid to express things that might be hard for the other person to receive. I think there's been a lot of fear of being too needy, maybe. There's fear of maybe you're asking. for too much. Like those are the kinds of things that I personally have struggled with when it comes to like honesty and clear communication. It's just being clear about the things that I need and relationships.

That is like above before keeping Jesus at the center. Obviously that should be number one. But like really, if there isn't enough communication and a relationship and you guys are not letting each other in on what's going on in your hearts and your minds, there's just too much opportunity for assumptions. There's too much opportunity for miscommunication. there's too much opportunity for things to be misread. I mean, when there isn't things being said out loud, even if it feels silly, even if it's just like reassurance, like, if you're like, hey, I really need you to like reassure me every once in a while, if you're communicating love language to your best friend or your spouse or whoever that is, like communication in all ways is so important.

Another thing that comes to my mind is like something I've appreciated and experienced in relationships recently is like if the person is acting a little off, you know, like let's say they're not like their typical self. And a lot of times, it's easy for us to look at ourselves. There's a difference between looking at ourselves and looking inward. When I was talking about looking inward, that's like true reflection. But I think a lot of times it's easy for us to look at ourselves thinking that there's something that we've done. If somebody were to be acting differently one day, let's just say they're having an off day, okay?

But a lot of times we want to be like, oh my gosh, what's going on? What did I do? Is it me? Am I too much? Did I not do enough? Like, does anybody relate to that? But like, a lot of times it's easy for us to be like, oh my gosh, what did I do? I don't think there's such thing as being too, well, maybe there is such thing as being too communicative, but we should definitely communicate as much as we feel led to communicate by the spirit of God, not our own emotions, because sometimes if we're being led by our emotions, we could either

overcommunicate or not communicate enough. So if you're connected to Jesus and being like, all right, Lord, what should I be communicating and what should I, right? But I think something really healthy, letting each other know when we're feeling kind of off. I've appreciated that. I've received that at times. and I've been like, oh my gosh, you have no idea how much I appreciate that communication, where this person has been like, hey, I know I was a little weird on the phone.

I need to let you know that this is actually what's happening behind the scenes. Like, I don't really want to get into it, but like I'm dealing with a lot of this and that. And your prayers are really appreciated. Like, if you could just be interceding for me, like, I'm having, like, such an off day. And I don't want you to think it has anything to do with you. But like, this is truly what I'm going through. And that type of communication, so healthy, so healthy. Again, it's just like canceling out any opportunity for things to be misunderstood.

and misconstrued and just twisted, you know, by our own fearful thoughts or by the enemy. I think that as long as we are always communicating where we're at in our hearts and our minds with one another, it just really cancels out assumptions, you know? I was kind of starting to hint in this a little bit, but discernment and picking and choosing battles. So I do believe that sometimes there is such thing as over communicating. I feel that way because sometimes we really do have to pick and choose our battles, y'all. Sometimes we do.

When we're talking about things that really bother us or things that you need, I do think that there is a line where it's like, okay, is this a necessary thing to bring up? I can't speak to your situation. I can't speak to like every feeling you've had where you're like, I want to communicate this, but is it like, should I or should I not? Should I let this go? Should I whatever? And I really think that the person who can help you the most with that is Jesus. Because there have been times where I've been like, I really want to like speak up about this thing. And then I realize like my heart posture and I'm like, okay, is this really me just like, do I need to bring this up? Do I really need to bring this up? Or is this just something I should kind of navigate with

Jesus about? Am I just being triggered in something? You know what I mean? And so staying discerning with God, I'll just say that much, and picking and choosing your battles are so important. And discerning with God is going to keep you from doing the most and maybe just choosing way too many battles that don't need to be battled. Right? And you're like, you know what, God, I'm going to let you handle that one. I'm going to let you handle that one. I'm going to pray and intercede about that thing and I'm not even going to go there versus another side of the spectrum you could go on if you weren't discerning with the Lord is like I'm just going to be a dormant I'm not going to speak up about anything I don't want to be a burden I don't want to bother them with this right so like finding that middle ground with Jesus of like Lord you can

handle I'm going to let you fight those battles these are the ones I do need to speak up about because if I don't it's just going to keep going or like I really need to I need to speak about the things that I need or the things whatever okay and then just straight up neglect where you're just not even speaking up about anything. So yeah, the Spirit, the Holy Spirit will really help you with staying in a healthy middle ground of what's worth communicating, what's too much. Maybe even you're trying to take control of situations or like, you're trying to be God when God's like, hey, actually, I'm going to take that one. Don't even worry about that one. And not speaking up at all. Okay, we love that. Middle ground. Thank you, God. Another thing that I wrote down is loving the person in ways that they

receive. This is something that I knew about in the world, but I don't think I really knew how to do in a healthy way until I met the Spirit of God. And so we talk about love languages. And I do believe that we can still express and love people in the way that we give love. But I think we also need to always take into account how that other person genuinely receives love. I think that only can happen through communication. I think I used to believe that it was like, oh, well, over time, like, I'll eventually start to learn, you know, the things that kind of tick them or the things that, like, they don't appreciate or don't like versus what they do appreciate and do like. And like, yes, that's totally possible. But why not just talk about it? Again, goes back to clear communication and

honesty, but why not just be like, hey, this is something I've had to recently do with somebody I love so dearly is, hey, I know that you're going through a really hard time right now. Like, I see that and I know that. And there's a lot of things that I don't have the answers for. It's easy for me to like be tempted to be, I just want to, I want to be able to answer all the questions for that person. And I kind of want to be their savior, which ain't right, because I'm not, I'm not their savior. Right. In a lot of ways, it's like, they got to navigate that with Jesus. But at the same time, it's like, I still want to show up and be a good friend to you.

And so how can I be that for you? Honestly, genuinely, how would you receive love the best from me during this season where you're dealing with X, Y, Z, you're grieving in this way, you're, you know? And so how can I love you the best that I can in this season? And I'm not even, like, pretend that I know how. because sometimes y'all, even as other people are like going through different kind of seasons and eras in their life, there's different ways that you probably can show up for them based on that season, right? Sometimes the way that we love people has to look different because life kind of happens and things evolve and change and there's transitions.

And so I think it's always good to have those check-ins with the people that you love. Like establishing off the bat, like if this is a new relationship for you, this is a new friendship, if this is a new partnership, romantic relationship for you, right off the bat being like, hey, how do you feel seen? How do you feel loved, you know? But then I think like check-ins like that too, as like I said, as things change and life evolves and seasons come and go, it's like, how can I show up and be a good blank for you? How can I be a good boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, daughter, son, whatever, sister, brother?

But like, that kind of communication of being like, how can I love you well during this time? And you might not always be perfect at that. I think that also goes back to communication of like, okay, so like when you do this, I can see your intention in this and I can see that you think this is how I receive love, but I'm going to be honest, I don't. Like, I don't feel loved when you do those things. But I do feel really loved when you do these things. And like even calling the person, I think when it comes to healthy feedback in any relationship,

acknowledging the heart posture, you know, instead of just pointing out and being like, you're not doing enough of this, you're doing this wrong, I don't feel loved in this. And this was another thing I wrote down. I'm kind of flowing into it. Where is it? the person, understanding, extending understanding to them, compassion and reassurance. That has been like the biggest win for me in relationships is still serving them, even in that conversation of giving them feedback, right? That's technically about you, but it's like serving them and loving them

in that feedback and being like, hey, first and foremost, I want you to know that I see your heart in this and I appreciate that. Like, I see the way that you're trying. And I want you to know that that alone matters so much to me. Like I see the way that you're trying to love me and I appreciate that so much. Approaching every hard conversation, feedback, even conflict, disagreements with grace is possible. Handling conflict with grace and mercy and compassion and understanding, right? That can all still live in the same conversation, but approaching it that way, giving your honest feedback and then even sealing it with something more of being like, and I want you to know that I acknowledge too that I'm not perfect. And so the same way that I'm coming to you with these things, I want you to know, I need,

like, I need that feedback too because I want to love you well, you know? And being like, I'm not saying I'm any better, you know, I am humbling myself to say that if there was anything that was bothering you, please bring that to me because I want to love you the best I can. I think acknowledging that you guys are like on the same level, you know, this isn't like I'm and you and I'm and it's like, we are in this together on the same level. And we're just meeting each other right here. Another thing that I down was calling each other higher. I think that that's a really good one. And I think that that can also tie into what we just said, where I think if you have to have any conversation of like, if there's a brother or sister or if there's someone close in your life where you're like, I know that that's

not who God's created them to be. Or like, I've seen them. And that isn't them. You know what I mean? Have you ever been in a situation where you see like somebody that you love dearly in the church? I'm talking about in the body of Christ, calling someone like that higher where you can kind of see their blind spots, you know, and I think that's, that's the importance of the body of the church. And I think that's why God emphasizes so much to be in community, you know, that we are supposed to be iron, sharpening iron. In the places that we're dull, we have other people that are calling us higher in those areas and being like, hey, I just want you to know that, like, I love you. And I know this isn't you. Like, I actually know this isn't you because I've seen X, Y, Z from you. And I wanted to bring this up

because I love you. And even if there's anything I can do to help support you in this area, but I really believe that this is who you are and just speaking that life over them and into them and calling each other higher. But it's so helpful to have people in your life and to even be that person for others where you are kind of calling out and calling up some blind spots because we all have them. We all have blind spots and blind areas in our lives where we didn't even realize that we were like doing these things. I'll use an example.

I'll be the guinea pig here and I'll always use myself as an example. there was a conversation that I was having with somebody, and this goes back to, like, when I was sharing that I have had a fear for a long time of expressing the things that I genuinely need, or the things that, like, I don't really love in relationships. And I was being a bit passive aggressive because I think there was a fear of if I directly set it, it would come off as too aggressive, too needy, like, you know, an inconvenience for the person, whatever, okay, all these lies. And so instead, I would kind of communicate things in a passive-aggressive way, which isn't even love. Like, communicating things in a way that's kind of passive where you're like, yeah, well,

you know, you do this. I wish you didn't do that. That's not love. And that's not even the way that God talks to us. So if that's not how Jesus speaks to us, we're not going to speak to each other like that. So I didn't even realize I was doing it. Did not even realize that I was doing it. Like, I didn't realize that that was the way that things were coming out of my mouth.

And obviously, it was rooted in like a bunch of other gunk. But the person was like, yeah, I don't really love when you're passive like that. I wish that you would just tell me what you're feeling instead of being all like weird and like kind of shady about it. They didn't say shady. They didn't even say it like that. But I was being shady. Those are my words. I was kind of like giving side eye being a little like whatever passive and that's just not okay.

But I didn't see it. It was a complete blind spot for me. Like I didn't even realize that I was doing that. And so with that person kind of calling me out, but calling me higher and being like, hey, this is not even who you are. Like I know you're a loving kind person. You're a kind personality and you're loving with your words. And so like that is not who you are. If it wasn't for that moment, I would have continued to be passive aggressive till today, till right now.

You know, so it is good to call each other higher. And we need our blind spots to be exposed, whether it's by the spirit of God or it's, you know, the spirit through other people. But that is loving each other well. And that's healthy. Another thing that we should avoid if we want to keep our relationships healthy and godly and pure is not judging one another and not comparing ourselves to one another. And what's crazy, y'all, as we're talking about relationships, like, we go to all these self-help books and relationship books, and granted, a lot of them probably do have some nuggets of wisdom in them. But I think we assume that because the Bible doesn't directly say, hey, these are the things you should do in a relationship. These are the things that you should do in a romantic relationship.

These are the things that you should do in a friendship, how to step by step, that that means that there isn't relationship advice or friendship advice in the Bible. and that's just not true. The Lord tells us in so many ways of how to love one another, not only through the definition of love, but it's like I just Googled right now Bible verses about comparison. And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, nine different scriptures came up about comparison, which is definitely relationship advice, right?

We shouldn't be comparing ourselves to one another because it's not healthy for the body and it's not healthy for us and it's not healthy even for our relationship with Jesus or our spiritual growth. Things like comparison in Jesus, jealousy and judgment hinder our growth spiritually. And it's just not a reflection of who Christ is, which is who we're supposed to be, right? So I want to read James 314. I'm trying to find James for like 30 minutes. Okay. I love this. All right, this is James 313. We're starting at. If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes

from wisdom. But if you are bitterly jealous and there is a selfish ambition in your heart, don't cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace-loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others.

This is relationship advice, guys. Do we hear this? This is literal relationship advice. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. I'm obsessed with that. Let's read another verse.

This one is short and sweet. We got Proverbs 214, which says haughty eyes, a proud heart, and evil actions are all sin. I think pride and jealousy are pretty tight. They're pretty tight. Galatians 6-4 through 5 reads, pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else, for we are each responsible for our own conduct. One more I would like to share is 2 Corinthians 10, 12, which reads, oh, don't worry.

We wouldn't dare say that we are as wonderful as these other men who tell you how important they are, but they are only comparing themselves with each other, using themselves as the standard of measurement. How ignorant. another thing that we do wrong as we compare ourselves to one another. I mean, this for sure, I can't speak for men because I don't know what it's like, but for women, the temptation is there to compare ourselves to one another. And comparison really kills any intimacy, sisterhood, true deep sisterhood and love with one another is comparison. I think that is like the biggest igniter in being able to love each other well. And yeah, comparison and jealousy. It actually

explains a lot as scripture says that it's it's demonic because it feels evil like to be jealous of one another and to compare ourselves to one another feels so prideful and it's evil like it just it destroys any true love or intimacy or sisterhood right as we're talking about for women i'll say but it does feel very ignorant to compare ourselves to each other because that means that we are holding a person a human being who's flawed to a standard that we want to achieve above someone who's perfect, who is Jesus. Like, how do we get that twisted? How do we put someone else on that pedestal?

How do we make someone else the standard over Jesus being the standard, which he should always be? So as long as we're like focusing on Jesus and we're like in our own lane with Jesus, there is no comparison. It goes back to that scripture we just read. There will be no need to compare ourselves to one another. if we're focusing on our own works and we're focusing on our own right we're reflecting we're looking inward we're not comparing and even like setting other people as a standard that just shouldn't even be on

that pedestal they shouldn't even be wearing that crown that's a crown only for jesus to wear so yeah that's ignorant using themselves as the standard of measurement instead of god but yeah if there's any comparison in the room or jealousy that will definitely hinder a healthy relationship and then judgment too I think the Lord has made that clear in scripture too. This is a classic, okay? We're at Matthew 7, verse 1, which says, Do not judge others, and you will not be judged, for you will be treated as you treat others.

The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. And why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, let me help you get rid of the speck in your eye when you can't see past the log in your own eye? First, get rid of the log in your own eye.

Then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye. What I like about this scripture is it's not saying that we shouldn't help our brothers and sisters when there is a speck in their eye. Because at the end of that verse it says, then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye. So it's not that we aren't supposed to do that, right? That goes back to what I said earlier where it's like, we are definitely supposed to love each other well by calling each other higher and being like, hey, I love you. and that's why I'm bringing this up because you're better than this. Like, I know you are. This isn't you, right?

You're this type of person, listing off all the incredible, godly, amazing qualities that this person has, right? Lifting them up and saying, this doesn't align with who you are. There's nothing wrong with that. But I think what this scripture is encouraging us to do is that before we do those things, let's just make sure that our heart posture is coming from a place of true love and purity with doing this. Like, let's just not make sure there isn't a whole log in our eye.

Yeah, and just making sure that we're not approaching situations. with being a hypocrite, you know? I think it's interesting that, and I don't know, this is just me interpreting, I'm not even saying that this is right, but it's interesting that the analogy is the same. It's both having something in your eye, but it's making sure that, like,

you don't have a whole log in your eye when you're about to come for your brother and sister saying that they got a speck in theirs. Meaning, like, if you're going to call your brother or your sister higher in an area, you better make sure that you're humble enough where you've acknowledged that area of your life too and you've cleaned it up

and you've gotten that log out of you. your eye. Like it's just interesting that that verse isn't like speck in the eye of your friend while you have a thorn in your side. It's almost making me think that it's like you better make sure that you're checked in that same area before you check a brother or sister. I don't know, that's an interesting kind of mini-rev that just came to me right now. But I think that's really what this verse means. Is like make sure that you're not sounding like a hypocrite as you're calling your friends or the people that you love higher. Because it does hold you to a place of accountability. If you're willing to call people out in those areas, it's also holding yourself

accountable in those areas because you don't really have a good witness if you're calling people out in areas that you just, you haven't even dealt with in your own life, you know? Like, you got that a whole log in your eye as you're micromanaging somebody's speck in theirs. You know, it's a good one. Yeah, so we're not going to judge one another though. I think the thing that replaces judgment is compassion, empathy, sympathy replaces judgment. Being able to be able to, you know, and, you know, to put yourself in that person's shoes is the opposite of judgment. I think judgment comes from a position of like standing over here from the outside. You got your arms crossed and you're kind of like this at them versus a place of not judging them is actually saying, I really actually want to stand in

your shoes and understand why you would do this thing or understand what your thought process was or you know, just like being quicker to understand and stand in for that person and have compassion. Not an excusing it, not saying whatever it is, is right. But I think that's the killer of judgment is being like, I actually think I'm going to be compassionate. I'm going to stand in their shoes and try to understand. I think something that needs to die daily as you are showing up as a great friend or partner, as you are prioritizing a healthy relationship with them,

a godly relationship with them, things that need to die daily, daily. I know, sounds like a lot of work, but it's not. Again, it's just coming to the feet of Jesus and being willing. That's all it takes, right? Pride, a spirit of offense. You cannot have an offended bone in your body if you want to keep a relationship healthy and godly. And selfishness.

All those things have to die. And it's funny because I feel like those three things I mentioned, there's probably more, but those three things were the things that came to my mind, things that I've had to actively kill and crucify every day with Jesus, they work together. It's interesting that the fruit that comes from the spirit of God all like it's just in harmony like they just are so beautiful together it reminds me of like a

fragrance where it's like you just put all these beautiful notes together of a fragrance and it just works and it's gorgeous and it's like they all work together the fruit of the spirit but then the rotten fruit of like anything else that's not god okay whether it's demonic it's of our flesh they also kind of harmonize in a really rotten way it doesn't smell good it's not pretty but like they also kind of like intertwine with one another and so I say that because I'm like pride being offended, a spirit of offense and selfishness, they're all kind of the same. Like they all work together. And I think they all work together because the root of it is me. The root of it is I. The root of it is myself. Rather than the root of the fruit of the spirit is them, is the other person, is serve.

Is I actually die to myself to serve them. I'm going to pick up my cross daily to love them. It's about the other person. That's the root of the spirit of God, the fruit that comes from the whole. Holy Spirit. But the fruit that comes from anything else like ourselves or Satan is nasty. It's nasty and it's rotten and it's about us. I think guys just hear me out. The most productive thing I could have done for myself in relationships, y'all, is booting. Choosing, choosing, and booting the spirit of offense. I can't say that I didn't get offended a lot before I knew Jesus. And this is just transformation he's done in my heart. Oh my gosh. Thank you, God. for just your transformative power of our hearts.

But yeah, I would get offended over like, stupid. We don't need to get offended because it's one, just not worth our energy. Two, it's not that deep. And three, I know my identity in Christ. I know what I'm rooted in. So, like, even if somebody were to say something offensive, even if somebody were to say something that was a bit unhinged, maybe they didn't mean it.

Maybe they spoke out of their flesh. Maybe they spoke some death, right? Because the thing is, is like, we all have to meet each other in a place of understanding that we are not perfect. people are going to slip up and say things that are awful, you're probably going to slip up and say things that you didn't mean either, okay? Again, we're all humble here, but it's really important to choose to not be offended,

to not be offended. And I think that also ties into like picking and choosing our battles, you know? I think what replaces the spirit of offense, like being offended about everything and anything, is knowing your identity in Christ, is identity, is like, is just knowing what I know who I am, and I know who Jesus says I am.

And so I'm not going to get offended. That actually doesn't bother me. I don't care. I want to actually read you guys a Bible verse. We're talking about relationships, but it is backed up by scripture. Every time we're going to a Proverbs. This is Proverbs 1911. The translation that I have, which by the way is NLT, says,

Sensible People Control Their Temper. They earn respect by overlooking wrongs. Another translation says, It is the glory of a man to overlook an offense. This highlights the wisdom of not dwelling on slights or insults. Other verses emphasize the important. of forgiveness, love, and avoiding bitterness when dealing with offenses. The ESV translation also says,

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. So yeah, I don't know. If that's something that you feel is like kind of an opportunity in your life to be better at, it was for me. I would just pray into that and be like, God, I would love that fruit. I would love that fruit of just not being offended. I'm not quick to being angry and upset.

And, yeah, it's really transformative in relationship. I think that it allows you to stay loving to the person, level-headed, calm, and also it keeps you in a place of being able to communicate, back to number one, but clear communication and honesty with love without being offended. You can come to conversations more level-headed because you're not offended and you're not angry. You're like, hey, this is factual. What you said was wrong. I'm not offended, though, it's okay, but like that. And again, picking and choosing, discerning whether you should just let things roll off or address them. I think another way to maintain a healthy relationship that is centered in Christ is being able to really keep our tongue

locked down like taming our tongue and the things that come out of our mouths I can confidently say not because I love that I did it but like because I've absolutely done it is um I have said some things that I didn't mean that I thought I meant in the moment and then I regretted or maybe I did mean it and then I was like wow that's awful there I've said things that I'm not proud of in my life to people that I was supposed to be loving. And I just didn't have self-control that way in a lot of times, especially when emotions come and take over, especially when I would get angry or offended or hurt. I would let those emotions take over and now I'm saying things that I can't take back. And it's not that we can't forgive each other for the things that we say. We should always practice forgiveness

and grace for one another. But the thing about words is you really cannot take them back. And so we should try our very best. And that's not in our own strength. That's only in the strength of the Lord, but we should really try our best to keep the things that we say that maybe we don't mean or could be hurtful to a minimum, to a minimum. And if this is something that hasn't really said, like, you haven't been super convicted in a ton, that's a prayer you can pray. Like, if there are things that you're like, I actually really want to be convicted a lot more by the spirit of God with the things that I say. Like, I want to take, I want more fear of the Lord over that area of my life because I don't feel like I do. And I kind of, I don't know,

I was raised in a family where it was like, you just say things and you know that you don't mean it and then you move on and, you know, no one's offended. But yeah, I think a good prayer to pray is like, God, I want more fear of you over my life in this area. Like, I want to really understand how important it is to speak life in situations, even if it's hard, even it's in conflict. I think loving each other well is also knowing how to control our tongues and not letting ourselves go crazy in emotion and saying things that we don't. mean. And so Jesus has helped me a lot with that. And if he can help me a lot with that, he can help you a lot with that. So you're not a lost cause. And it's not too hot. Like, again, it goes back to what I led with, but I just, I pray that you guys know that these things are so doable with the spirit of God. It's so achievable with him. You would be shocked at the ways that

he can transform you and transform your heart and renew your mind every day where you are like, wow, I have never been so healthy in relationships. And it actually ends up blessing you as well, knowing that you are showing up in a way that's healthy and you're prioritizing Jesus at the center of it for that reason, you know. Okay, last thing, which hopefully this isn't like too big of a bullet point to end on because we do have to end soon, is recognizing when you're being triggered. That for me, that's for friendships and romantic. Like, that's everything for me actually because we all have our triggers. We all have our pasts. We all have the things that we've been through.

We have the things that, yeah, we've gone through. And so I think always assuming the best in people, that one, if you find yourself assuming the worst, that might be giving a little bit of, are we pinning things that have happened in the past on this person where maybe they didn't necessarily even deserve that? Are you trying to protect yourself of things that you've experienced from the past because those things were very real and they were very painful? But are we assuming the worst in this person because of those things that technically was the choices that other people had made, right? So I think assuming the best in people when you're triggered and understanding like what it is that you're being triggered in and where it's coming from is only something you can the spirit of God. He's so awesome.

The spirit of God is our counselor. Like truly my therapist in a lot of times. And that could be like in the secret place directly speaking with the spirit or again like through community. It could be through therapy as long as it's, you know, led by God and mentors or even friends. Like there are other ways to hear from the spirit. But yeah, he's so therapeutic sometimes. And there's a lot of times that the Lord has actually showed me, okay, so you're reacting this way,

not even because of the way that the person did this, but because of something from your past that you've experienced, which is real, Al, but we're not going to let that into this relationship. We're going to assume the best in this person until proven otherwise. And that is something that comes in revelation, that comes in practice and that comes, yeah, in time with God. As he continues, again, it goes in turn,

like reflecting internally and looking at ourselves with the Lord, is where these kind of wounds will be healed. But that has been something that's been so healthy in my relationships is genuinely acknowledging and realizing when I'm just being simply triggered versus like from past stuff, versus like, okay, no, that like this is actually happening. Do you know what I mean? And so anyway, I pray that this episode was helpful for you guys and it was fruitful. And thank you for even letting me share some of my own stories

and testimonies of what the Lord has done for me in relationships. But I'm so grateful for it. And I know he will continue to grow me in relationships. I'm sure I will have a lot more things to walk through with him as we all will. But yeah, I'm proud of you guys. And I love you. Thank you guys for joining me for another episode. I will see you guys next time.

But before that, guys, can we actually do something cool today? We show somebody how cool Jesus is. We walk more like him, talk more like him, be more like him, reflect him and his love in all of our relationships. I love y'all. I'm proud of you. And I will see you in the next episode. Bye. Are some of y'all still listening?

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