Christ With Coffee On Ice - the death of the cool girl

Episode Date: August 7, 2026

Hey y'all ! Welcome to another Friday with CWCOI ! In this week's episode, our host, Ally Yost talks about letting go of the pressure to be "the cool girl." What she means by that is when we are so focused on the approval of others, we start denying and suppressing all aspects of ourselves. If this is something you struggle with, we pray that you can find revelency and hope in this episode today. "Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too." Philippians 2:3-4 _____________________________________________ ☆ PRE-ORDER 'LOVE THAT LASTS' HERE: https://allyyost.com/en-usd/pages/book ☆ OUR NEW MERCH IS LIVE! SHOP AT: https://allyyost.com ☆ Start your new morning ritual & get up to 43% off your @MUDWTR with code COFFEE at ➤ mudwtr.com/COFFEE! #mudwtrpod ☆ Find your purpose at Grand Canyon University ➤ GCU.edu ☆ If you're struggling with OCD or unrelenting intrusive thoughts, NOCD can help. Book a free 15 minute call to get started ➤ https://learn.nocd.com/COFFEE ☆ Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at ➤ mintmobile.com/CWCOI ☆ Reserve your Glorify Ring now for $99 and lock in Early Bird pricing at ➤ glorify.global ☆ MY BIBLE (code 'ALLYYOST' at checkout) ➤ https://hosannarevival.com/collections/beautiful-bibles/products/nlt-notetaking-bible-belfast-theme ☆ TUMBLER LINK ➤ https://allyyost.com/products/cwcoi-glass-tumbler-white _____________________________________________ Connect further with us ! TikTok ➤ https://www.tiktok.com/@christwithcoffeeonice  Instagram ➤ https://instagram.com/christwithcoffeeonice  _____________________________________________ Connect further with Ally ! TikTok (2M) ➤ https://www.tiktok.com/@ally_yost  Instagram ➤ https://www.instagram.com/ally_yost/  ShopMy ➤ https://shopmy.us/allyyost  Pinterest ➤ https://www.pinterest.com/ally_yost1/_created/

Hello everybody. Hey guys. I don't know why I said that intro this time as if I was a sports announcer, but hey! Don't pull my mic away because I'm screaming. I'm just so excited to be here with you guys today. Happy Friday! Happy Friday, everybody! Welcome back to another episode of Christ with coffee on ice.

I am your host, Aliost. That is me. It is a joy and honor to be here with you guys. today and I have a couple more props with me in my episode. Listen, okay, here's my thing. Will I always be having my book in the corner here? Maybe this is my child. This is my baby. This is my child. I have been growing her for two years. And now that the cat is out of the bag, she might be sitting here for a few episodes, okay? I'm just so, I'm just so proud of her. Look at her go. I'm really proud of her.

And, yeah, so she's sitting here. She's joining us today. Hey, girl. This is my book that I wrote. If you missed this last episode on Wednesday, because now we're doing twice a week, I had announced my book and gave you guys all the lore of the what, when, why, how, and who. Of how this happened and how this got here. And so anyway, now she's sitting with us.

And I, because I'm just so excited that it's no longer a secret. And everybody knows about it. Hopefully by now. And I will say, granted, I am recording this a few weeks into the past. What? It's the future for me now. Like at the time of me recording this, the book actually isn't live yet. I know.

Is that silly? Does that mess with your brain a little bit? Because I'm like, yay, it's out. But like in real time, it's. not yet. Listen, we got to be proactive here on the podcast, okay? I try not to overwhel my editor Katie by recording episodes the day before that they're supposed to go live. So we try to be a little ahead of time. But I will say, in confidence, I do believe there's got to be at least a handful of you guys that I've already pre-ordered the book. And so I just read in Ecclesiastes that

no one can predict the future, but I would like to think I could predict at least a few of you guys have pre-ordered it. And so I just want to say thank you. Thank you to anybody who may have already pre-ordered the book. It's been live for three days now. And just kidding, for, wow, math was not math was not one of my strong suits growing up. Um, so thank you. Thank you if that is something that you've prioritized and you've already gotten your hands on. Um, Very excited about it. I'm very excited. And I think just because this community, listen, not to bash anyone over on my Instagram or my TikTok or anywhere else, that could be some of you guys listening. But this community here, I want to give you guys like, y'all are going to be

getting VIP treatment when it comes to knowing more about the book and just giving like more behind the scenes and me just telling more secrets and stories of all the things that have gone into making this book. But one thing, I just want to give you guys a little, a little secret. So only the ones who listen to this podcast will know this. But there was a chapter that I wanted to write in this book and I ended up not putting it in the book anymore. That happened with a few things actually. There were a few things that I originally had in the book and then I took it out. but the reason why I didn't include this chapter, which is actually I would just love to talk about it with you guys today. So you guys get to know about the secret chapter that I wanted to write about.

But the reason why I didn't include it in the book was because I felt like it was actually already like an overarching theme that was weaved throughout my book anyway. And so to write a whole chapter about it, I was like, I feel like we've already really touched on this in a lot of different ways. but ultimately the thing that I would love to talk about today, which is the chapter that I didn't put in this book, but also it's discussed throughout the book. And it is very relevant in my book. The thing that I would love to talk about today is putting to death this pressure to be a cool girl. Today we are putting to death the cool girl in all of us. I'm really sorry for the boys that are listening. I do know that there is a percentage of men that listen to this podcast, but surely, whether you have habits of trying to be a cool girl or a cool boy, I think that this topic is relevant to everybody.

But for the sake of the 90-something percent listeners that are women, we are going to be talking about the cool girl, but this applies to everybody. Okay. But one of the things that I talk about throughout my book is the concept of the concept of the cool girl. of letting go of this pressure to be a like cool girl. And if that confuses you, you know what? I receive this. I bet a lot of you guys listening right now are like, Allie, but you are a cool girl.

Please don't make me blush. Okay, I'm a cool girl now, but like in a way that is not the unhealthy cool girl that I used to be. Okay, and I'm going to put into definition, I'm going to put into definition the cool girl that I'm talking about that should be put to death in all of us. And if you don't struggle with this, P. Honestly, God bless you.

That's incredible. But for me, this was something that I struggled with deeply for a majority of my life, especially going into like your high school years and your college years. And it even started for me a little bit in like middle school. it's just like when you get to that age where you're like so self-aware of other people and uh yourself maybe not even a self-awareness but it's like a self-consciousness where you just begin to uh observe how other people are and then you observe how you are and then you compare and you're like wait a minute i i want this person to respond to me like they respond to that person and so i'm going

to be a little bit like that person and then i'm going to be a little bit of this because i saw the way that people responded really well when I acted like this versus acting like that. And I think that becoming a cool girl in your life is not like an overnight thing. At least for me, like this was not something that happened to me overnight where I was just like, I'm just a cool girl who just like goes with the flow and like I'm so low maintenance. And like I really could just, I don't know why she has a valley girl accent. Whatever. But like that's the voice in my head.

That's what she sounds like. She's just like, give me a break. give me a break she makes me cringe now but it was rooted in so much self-consciousness and learning through this aspect of like believing that I needed to be approved by other people I was slowly morphing and changing myself into this cool girl who was so easy and never complained and was completely okay with everything and was happy to be anything that anyone needed her to be, that I was slowly allowing myself to become a very empty version of myself because I was denying and suppressing so many aspects of myself because I was learning that apparently that's not what people wanted.

And so let's talk about that today. Okay. If this is something that you struggle with, I really feel like this episode is going to be very relevant to, again, all ages, boy or girl, But I think specifically for my girls who are in high school, in college, maybe even like just teenage years, okay? Because that's when this started for me. And it's very tempting. And if you are not rooted in the truth of Christ, if you are not rooted in the truth of what it means to have your identity rooted in Christ, it's a very sneaky snowball effect of, okay, well, if my identity isn't rooted in Christ and if I'm, I don't see myself the way that Jesus sees myself. I'm going to look to everyone else and say, okay, well, how do you see me?

Okay, well, I want to be this. Well, I want to be that. And it's sneaky. But it's real. And I think that it's the most common in the years where we are developing the most, which is in those years of, you know, late middle school, high school and college. And so this episode is going to be giving big. sister advice while also rooted in biblical truth.

That's my goal for today is it's not just going to be big sister advice, but it's going to be big sister advice in Christ. Okay? Obviously. That's what we're here for. Okay? Before we get into everything, though, we do have our Christ. Okay?

We have our word of God here. We have our Bible. And as always, it is a priority to me that we do our very best. Okay. we're never going to be perfect at the things that we do, but Jesus, thank you for the truth of your word and that we are going to refer back to scripture as much as we can, because that's priority here, is making sure that the things that we talk about can be supported by the Bible. Because the Bible tells us to test every spirit and to test every thought, I think, too, you know.

It's good. This is where everything needs to be founded on, okay? the way that we see ourselves, the way that we see others, the way that we see God, the way that we see life, where our identity lies is right here in the Holy Bible. And this Bible, I got from Hosanna Revival. It is our gorgeous butter yellow. I say R. I didn't create this. It's just, this is our Bible. I don't know. Okay. Anyway, Hosanna Revival and the translation that I read is NLT. So this is my Bible. You guys are more than welcome to also use my code. I have that with Hosanna. I mentioned that because you guys are always asking which Bible I have where it's from.

And so it only feels right to let you know that there's an opportunity to save money too. So use my code. It's just Ali Yost at checkout for Hosanna. They have beautiful Bibles, gorgeous journals. I have so many from them. Nearly all of my Bibles are Hosanna Revival, except for the very first Bible I got. So we have our Christ, okay? And then we do have our coffee on ice. Here she is. I made a really good cup of coffee today, so you guys might see me like sipping from it a lot in this episode. Oh my gosh. I love it. Oh, that's good. All right, guys, are we ready? Let's get into the definition of cool girl because here's the thing. I don't think that if you were to look up the definition of cool girl in the dictionary that it, I think everyone's definition of that could be different. And again, you could have a definition of a cool girl and it could be totally healthy.

But I want to talk about the definition of a cool girl who is giving like people pleaser, okay? It's giving codependency. It's giving, I can be whatever you want me to be. Okay? Not healthy. I did write some notes and have some things jotted down that I'd like to share with you guys also throughout the episode. So if I'm looking at my phone, that's why. But so my understanding, my definition, my experience of this version of a cool girl that I

for a very long time is I think that the cool girl in me was a lot deeper than someone who just always said yes all the time. So like yes, she said yes, but there's more depth to that. It's not just simply being like a yes girl or a yes man. Saying yes is often just one symptom of a cool girl. So yes, it's an aspect of it, but there's more to it. The cool girl is someone who has learned to prioritize being liked over being known. Or the cool girl is the version of yourself you create to be accepted, admired, or desired, even if it means abandoning who you really are. And if we were to unpack her characteristics, this cool girl, is she is low maintenance, even when she's overwhelmed, says, I'm fine when she's hurt, laughs things off instead of expressing disappointment,

rarely asks for what she needs, tries not to inconvenience anyone, is agreeable because conflict feels risky, she changes pieces of herself depending on who she's with, wants to seem effortless, finds her value in being chosen, admired, or easy to love, often mistakes self-sacrifice for self-abandonment. So the important distinction here is this. A cool girl isn't necessarily pretending.

Okay. So it's not that she's necessarily wearing a mask. Most of the time she has genuinely forgotten where performance ends and authenticity begins. And that's what makes her so hard to recognize. I think even in ourselves sometimes. Like I had no idea. And here's a huge disclaimer. I am not perfect at this still to this day.

Like I am grateful and I speak to this. so much in my book of the things that Jesus genuinely revealed in my heart of the ways that I was showing up in relationships, the ways I was showing up for myself to the world, like the ways that I saw myself. Like, God has really done a number on me in the sense of like bringing a lot of these things to my awareness because I didn't know that I was acting this way. And so there's a few beautiful resources and things that can help you if this has been something that you apparently have been living in and maybe you had no idea. Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit will reveal to you the things that are in your heart and the ways that you've been operating. The Word of God, community,

Christian community, and therapy. Those are the things that I genuinely believe will help you overcome these things, be aware to it and learn day by day. how to correct yourself. Because the other thing too, and this is something I've had to learn, is like to continue to have grace for myself, because if this is something that I have been doing for a majority of my life, it didn't happen overnight. It didn't happen like in a switch, which means it's also not going to stop in a switch. It's going to take practice of me catching myself, seeing where I'm doing it, and then going,

oh, okay, I have to correct myself. Like I know what this is. I know that this is something I've been doing for. for a long time and so I'm going to pivot, you know? And so that is something I'm still doing to this day. But thank you, Jesus, that I do believe I have so much more freedom in this area of my life because I recognize it. I know that it exists and I know the root of why I act like that. What has brought me to this point of believing that that's what I've needed to do? It's like, it's also a bit of a survival mechanism that I think some of us can learn.

It is giving various survival. She is the self I constructed to receive acceptance from people because I hadn't yet learned to receive my identity from God. And so that is one of my favorite things that I write about in my book as well, is that this was my way of surviving because all of us need to have our identity rooted in something. All of us need to feel a sense of purpose. and the truth is we will never have a true sense of purpose or identity, one that is lasting, one that actually fulfills, sustains, and satisfies our spirits unless it's God himself, because that's what we are created for. It's literally embedded in our spiritual DNA to find fulfillment, purpose, and acceptance through God.

and so because I hadn't learned yet how to receive my identity through God, this was me surviving. This was me trying to fulfill or fill that void in my heart and in my spirit to the way I knew best, which wasn't good. It wasn't healthy for me. But it's what I did to survive and get by until I knew the truth of like, oh, I actually can just freely receive this gift of identity through Jesus, who died for me. Like, I didn't know that that was available to me. So this is just, again, the self that I constructed to receive acceptance in a way that is the only way I knew how.

And I think a little disclaimer here is that it's not that the death of this cool girl is about becoming less likable. Like, that's not what we're arguing about here. We're not talking about, you know, I was so likable before. and now it's like, no, I'm going to put myself first. And if I put this cool girl to death, I'm not going to be as likable. Maybe actually that's more of a fear, right? Is you're like, okay, but if I'm not like this cool girl anymore, like are people even going to like me? And that's not what we're arguing. You're going to be just as like. You're probably actually going to be even more

likable and lovable once you put this this cool girl to death in you. Because I do believe that when you are authentically and completely wholeheartedly unapologetically yourself you know what's so funny about the heart of why I wanted to be a cool girl so bad was yes I needed identity I needed acceptance like I needed that security through other people yes but also I wanted so badly for people to admire me in a way of like, wow, she really is like just herself. And it's funny because it's in the striving of trying to be natural and cool and easy that people can, I think, under it all, like sense that. And so you just know when you meet somebody when they are free.

Like have you ever met someone, had a conversation with somebody and you're like, that person is free? I can tell that they are not holding back who they are. Like they are so comfortable in their skin. And that genuine, authentic freedom that you feel radiating off of that person can only be received through Christ. And it's the most beautiful. I've had experiences with people like that. And it's so, like they don't even have to say anything about Jesus or really anything.

It's just like you just see it on them. like wow and so i think the truth is is like when you put this cool girl to death you actually will gain the admiration the respect right like people will respect you they're going to admire you they're going to go whoa what is that on her and you actually end up getting the very thing that you were striving for all along by releasing the pressure to perform and be what you think everyone wants you to be. And I just think that there's, yeah, there's just so much more respect that people are going to have for you when you are authentically yourself. And that means you have opinions. That means you voice your needs. That means that you aren't afraid of conflict. But you do all of

these things with grace. And you do it with Jesus and with the Holy Spirit where you're, you know, you're handling these situations with his wisdom and his patience and his love. But it's like you stand firm in who you are. You stand firm in your convictions. You stand firm in your needs, right? Your genuine needs. And like a person's going to respect that. People are going to be attracted to that. And so obviously like we're not doing all of these things in hopes to become more attractive. That's not the goal here. The goal here is to receive more freedom through Christ. because at the end of the day, being in the mindset of being a cool girl and striving and performing and trying to be what everyone you think, at least, everyone wants you to be, is one of the most

exhausting things you could ever live in. That is the most exhausting environment to be in. Your mind is never at rest because you're always thinking about who you should be walking into a room or walking into a phone call or walking into a FaceTime or walking into a situation. like you are constantly rehearsing and being so self-conscious it's exhausting so that's the goal today is to receive more freedom and to let all of that go but i will say the perk the cherry on top is that all of those things that you've been striving for will actually just naturally come because you have received this freedom and are authentically being yourself and you're voicing your needs and you're having opinions and you're okay with being different. Believe it or not,

all those things that you were striving so long for are actually just naturally going to come. And you're going to be free. And you're not going to have to carry the weight of feeling like you have to be someone that you're just not. It's a win-win, y'all. It's a win-win. Okay, moving on. I think one question we could ask is, okay, we've identified the characteristics of a cool girl. We've put a definition to it. We've understood some of her behaviors, at least we've identified and voiced them. Now a question I think we could ask is, who was the cool girl actually protecting? Obviously, in my opinion, I think I was never trying to protect the other person because I think in my mind, maybe at the time I was thinking,

you know, I just want to be whoever this person needs so that they're comfortable. I think it's less about the other person. I don't think I was out here trying to protect and make the other person comfortable at all costs. I mean, yes, but also, again, there's always, like, something deeper. That just feels a little too surface level. I think that the deeper truth to that was the cool girl was really trying to protect herself from rejection. Like, that's the truth. I don't think she was just chasing approval. I think she also was trying to avoid feeling rejected at all costs. And I think that the person who has now found herself in this cool girl persona and is so afraid of rejection is because she's experienced it before, she felt how deeply that hurt and she

never wants to feel that pain ever again. Again, in my book, I talk so much more in depth of my life and experiences and things that have happened to me where I believe that this this cool girl was birthed from. So again, it's not, I don't talk specifically like about the cool girl, but when you read this book, you're going to see where she peeks her head in throughout the stories that I share in my life. But I think, you know, if there's one question that I were to ask myself right now about this cool girl. like where she came from or where she started or like where did I first learn that being easy was safer than being honest.

I think that when I learned being easy was safer than being honest was when my honesty was met with rejection. I think there are plenty of occasions in my life that I can think of right now where my honesty was told that it was wrong, that I was overreacting, that I was being too emotional, that it wasn't a big deal, and that I was just wrong. Like I had been told that my needs or my feelings or my honesty, like my opinions, whatever that was, like it was too much and not right. and so to feel that kind of rejection in those moments over and over again where I believe it comes

naturally to us in the beginning of life to just be honest. I mean, you think about how honest kids are, they're a little too honest. Okay. So we aren't born learning how to keep in, suppress, push down, hide our honesty, I think we're taught that based on how people have reacted to our honesty. And so, yes, at a very young age, probably around when I was like 16, maybe 15, 16, I'm thinking about interactions with people where I was told that my honesty was wrong. or the way that that person reacted made me feel like they didn't like it. They didn't like my honesty. They didn't agree with it.

And so because that person meant a lot to me, I was like, oh, well, I don't, I don't want them to see me that way. I don't want them to feel that way about me. And the rejection I was feeling for my honesty, I was like, I don't, I just won't do that anymore then. I don't even think I realized I was doing it, but I started caring more about being liked than being known because in my mind, I felt being known was less important than avoiding rejection and pain. Like again, I had such a fear of feeling that pain, especially from, it's not even just from strangers or people who are loosely in my life. It was like the closest

to people to me at that time where my heart was so invested. Like those cuts just cut a lot deeper coming from people like that. Right. So in my mind, I was like, no, I don't. My worth, like I just didn't, I didn't, there wasn't enough gravity for me in my mind to being known as there was gravity to like survival. Don't get hurt. Don't ever feel that again.

bad warning signs red like flashing don't go there again don't feel that again and so i i had such a fear of that kind of pain that i i just didn't see enough value in being known which is really really sad but again i think that's so easy to get to especially when your identity isn't rooted in something like Christ. I didn't have that. So it's sad that that version of Allie felt that way. And there's so many times I think about it and I want to just give her a hug because it's like she just was doing the best she could to survive. She really was. It's a slippery slope when you're not anchored in something like God. I think another really funny question, which I think all of us would relate to. I don't think this necessarily means you're a cool girl. But this is like a characteristic of her.

right is like laughing at something that actually kind of hurt you and oh my gosh middle school and high school was brutal i feel like that's when it happened for me the most was like when kids on the school bus would say something um usually it was like if there's anything that's still in my brain it was like about my physical appearance that those ones hurt and like for whatever reason those are the ones that just stick in your mind forever as a girl um And so there have been times where things had been said about me and I just would laugh it off. But yeah, I think that's another example of not voicing and being honest about your feelings or how things affect you and brushing it off. And I think that those things never just go away and get brushed off on their own.

Like they all build inside of you. Have you ever pretended something didn't bother you because you didn't want to seem dry? dramatic. Yeah, I've probably done that like over three million times in my life. I've gotten a lot better for sure. Like I said, thank you Jesus. He's given me so much clarity on these things. I am so much more like apologetically myself. But I think with the experiences that I've had in relationships, I again, felt so rejected on a lot of the things that I needed that I learned to just be passive. I learned to kind of beat around the bush. I stopped being direct about the things that made me me. My needs, my convictions, my, you know, I stopped being so direct about those things. So either I, I would no

longer speak up because I didn't want to be called dramatic anymore. Or I would kind of be a little passive and beat around the bush and not be like super obvious and blunt. So, Yeah, I think that that's something I've done a lot in my life. Because again, I just, I wanted to feel safe. And I think when you're told so many times that your feelings are just dramatic, that you start to feel unsafe. And you're not sure what to believe anymore. And actually, this is, ah, I love Jesus.

This could definitely be an aspect even of what I read, because I read you guys, one of my favorite chapters from the book in our last episode on Wednesday. And it was the analogy that I wrote about art restores. That's like a literal job where people will find beautiful artwork, ancient, where it's been sitting for years or maybe even centuries. And it has like all this soot and dirt and just things that build up on it over time. Right. So you look at this painting or this piece of art and like the masterpiece is still underneath there but what their job is to do is to take away any of the soot or dirt or debris whatever that may look like they take that off and then they restore parts of the piece that may have been taken from it and so the analogy of that chapter

was like that's what jesus does to us is like he takes off the soot the dirt the things that that were never actually a part of who we were. The parts of our identity that we adapted from abuse or neglect or culture, just the world, how people have treated us, worldly advice, like just all the things that Jesus never embedded in us or created us to be, just false aspects of an identity that was never supposed to be ours. So that's the so in the dirt that Jesus gently, not forcefully, but like gently and patiently kind of chips away and cleans off of us. And then he restores the color or like the aspects of, you know, this art piece, which is us. And he brings vibrancy and color back to the areas that maybe had faded or was stolen from us.

And so I genuinely believe that this was one of the pieces of like soot and dirt that was on me when he had found me. And so again, like, I am so excited for you guys to be able to read this book in full because this is talked about and weaved throughout the book everywhere. But this is definitely a false identity and something that I had adapted based on what had happened to me in my life, based on my environment and relationships. And Jesus was slowly chipping that away and cleaning me of that and then replacing it with vibrant colors of like this. this is who you are, Ali. And so what I want to say is like, I don't actually think that Jesus came just to forgive our sins. Obviously, that was priority. That was what we needed above all else.

Like we needed a savior. We needed somebody who would, someone who was perfect, who would successfully be the cornerstone and mend a relationship between us and our Heavenly Father. where we actually had a second chance and an opportunity to have a relationship with him. Because of the filth that we have, if it wasn't for Jesus coming down to earth and dying for our sins and then raising from the dead, like that we wouldn't be able to also be resurrected with him in this new creation that we get to receive through Christ because of his blood that covers our sin, our shame, all the false. identities that we've taken on, right? So yes, he did, but I don't actually think Jesus just came to forgive our sins. I think he came to restore the person underneath all the survival. I think that

was also another reason that Jesus came. And throughout my book, I do repeatedly come back to the idea that we spend years, years trying to discover who we are by looking everywhere else, except the one who made us. Guys, thanks for listening. Is this helpful so far? Okay, praise Jesus. I don't know. I know you can't actually physically. I felt I heard a yes. I did. I heard some girls go yes. Keep going. Um, okay, praise God. But yeah, I think another thing that's very real about this too is, and I promise we are going to bring the Bible into this. This is all, yes, this is all biblical. I do believe this is how the Lord wants us to live is not in bondage of. cool girl but freedom through him well because the truth is is jesus made you so authentically and

uniquely you that it would make sense that the enemy would want to come in and convince you that you actually have to adapt and be this that that that that person likes and what that person likes and just cherry pick from like feedback or what you think people want from you and you make this weird like Frankenstein version of you that no one actually really knows because you're constantly adapting to what you think everyone wants from you. And so not only have you created this Frankenstein who's not you, but now you're miserable and you have to keep on this act of being that girl, but then a little bit of that girl and a sprinkle of this girl. And it's almost as if you are trying to create this version of

you in like a science lab when that was never your role. Number one, that is only something God can do. And number two is he already made you perfectly the way you're supposed to be. So it's like we're breaking our backs over trying to be what we think everyone wants from us. You're exhausting yourself. You're so distracted. And now people don't get to experience the beauty of who you actually truly are, like authentically to the core of who you are.

Like think about how much the enemy actually wins in a sense. scenario like that you're in bondage you're not free you're exhausted you've lost sight of identity of who you are through christ people don't actually get to see the brightness of how bright your light is okay they may still see a light that beams from you but like with having all of these distractions of believing that you need to be all of these other things for people to like you and to accept you and to love you they aren't experiencing how bright you actually are which that's who god made you to be. So you've lost sight of that and then people don't even get to experience how bright you are. Like genuinely how bright you are. Yeah, he doesn't, there's a lot that he actually wins in a scenario

like that. So it actually makes sense. It makes sense that that would be a tactic of the enemy to get in your mind and make you believe that you have to be this cool girl and you have to be somebody that everyone likes. But to be someone that everybody likes, you have to make. You have to make. make sure that you have all these aspects from everywhere else when honestly god has already giving you exactly what you need which is just to be you authentic raw whatever that looks like one that has opinions yep you do one who actually has needs yes you do one who actually has a voice and uses her entire voice not just some of it but she uses her full voice where did that come from that was a social clip right there okay what i was going to say before i went on that tangent

is that when you spend so much time though, okay, being in this state of cool girl, I do believe that you lose a lot of emotional health. Like you're not actually as healthy emotionally as you may think you are because you've been suppressing, neglecting, and resisting, denying your emotions and parts of yourself. And so the result of that is not being a very, emotionally healthy person. And so I think what's important too is to make a distinction and a difference, like to just really show the contrast of what it means to be a low maintenance person and being emotionally healthy. Because I think being low maintenance is like the goal, or at least that's what

you're trying to achieve. But in reality, you're just, you're not emotionally healthy. Now, I say that these two things could look on the surface identical because they both might not complain much. Okay, those are aspects that both of these people would have. They both might be easy to be around. That's true. And they both might be flexible. Okay, so that's all very surface level and how these two people could look the same. But the huge distinction between these two things that actually make them so different is the motivation underneath.

Either one of them. They are completely different. Let me elaborate. Okay. So somebody who is emotionally healthy will say something like, I don't need everything to go my way. That is somebody who is emotionally healthy. They are humble. And they're like, actually, I just, I genuinely don't, I don't need everything to go my way all the time. That's totally okay. They have peace about that. They mean it. someone who is performing low maintenance so somebody who really wants to be that low maintenance gal says I'm afraid to tell you what I actually need one is freedom because again like that that that low maintenance person who says yeah I don't really need it to be my way there's freedom in that the other one is in bondage of fear like they want to perform and be

perceived as this low-maintenance person because it's actually rooted in fear, which isn't freedom. That is a stronghold. That is exhausting to be operating out of all the time. Emotionally healthy people can express disappointment without feeling guilty. Can ask for what they need. Can say no without fearing they'll lose the relationship. Can adapt when appropriate without losing themselves. Don't need every preference to be accommodated.

Know the difference between sacrifice and self-abandonment. They're flexible because they're secure. What, what, what? That's the magic, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That's the word, is they are secure. In what? In what you ask? Well, there's no security in other people's opinions.

That's wavering. That's always changing. People's opinions, the way that people feel about you, that changes sometimes daily. unfortunately we are very fickle as human beings we see that in pop culture all the time where somebody's canceled one day and then they're a superhero the next no one knows what they want jesus was treated the same way people switched up their opinions about him left and right until ultimately it actually led to his death and they crucified him but wait a minute just a few weeks ago everyone was

astonished at the fact that he could perform miracles and could bring a little boy back to life that Lazarus actually walked out of his tomb after being in the grave for three days rotting, he was dead. Oh yeah, everyone loved Jesus then. Everyone wanted to come to Jesus then and be healed. And now you're saying that he needs to be crucified on a cross for what? We're fickle. There is no stability, security.

There is no foundation to be found in the approval of other people because it's ever changing. but what isn't ever changing is God, his characteristics, his love, that is unwavering. God will not be wavered in who he is, his characteristics, and how he loves us. The things that God has to offer, unwavering, infinite, there is no end to it, right? So there's a difference here in security

and the person who is not secure in something like God, the identity that they respect, through the blood of Jesus Christ, they will not be wavered. They will have the characteristics of somebody who is emotionally healthy. Because they are secure in Christ. Yes, they are secure in Christ. If these are characteristics that you so deeply want to have, guess what?

A little bit of this. I'm holding up my Bible. A little bit of Holy Spirit. a little bit of therapy, a little bit of Christian community that will help heal those wounds, right? But like, God, the answer is God. The answer is Christ and Christ crucified. That is the answer. Okay, so if you want to be an emotionally healthy person, go to the man who created emotions and health.

Amen? Okay. Now, someone performing low maintenance, they minimize their feelings. says whatever you want is fine even when it isn't i'm so guilty of that i'm gonna be honest when i want to have a burger i just think about all the times with my boyfriend where i'm like yeah whatever you want but deep down i'm like i really want a chicken gacizadea right now whatever those are silly but okay says whatever you want is fine even when it's not avoids conflict because disagreement feels dangerous okay feels guilty having needs wump been there thinks asking for

reassurance makes them too much. Womp. Ben there. Quietly keep score because their needs are never voiced. Believes love has to be earned by being easy. They're flexible because they're afraid. Not because they're secure. They're actually very insecure. They're very insecure. Oh, we have compassion for that person. We do. Okay. Now, once sentence that really captures all of this, I think, is being low maintenance isn't unhealthy. Being low maintenance isn't unhealthy. You don't need to be high maintenance. Sometimes I'm high maintenance. But being low maintenance isn't unhealthy. Believing you have to erase yourself to be lovable is, that's where it becomes unhealthy. Is when you believe that you actually have to

like, and start erasing parts of yourself that God gave you. God gave you. God gave you. God gave you. God you and you go no no no no no that's not right oh who are we that's crazy but that's when it's unhealthy is when you feel like there are aspects of yourself that need to go away to be loved by other people emotional health isn't having fewer needs it's no longer being ashamed of having them right no shame no fear can i tell you that fear is the root of all destruction in our lives It's just that it's the number one thing that causes so much turmoil in our lives. It's the very thing that doesn't allow us to like see clearly. It's it's immediately steals any peace.

It's gross. Fear is awful, which is probably why God says do not be afraid 365 times in the Bible. He makes that statement a lot because he probably knew and knows that that is something that's very tempting for us. as humans is to be afraid and to let fear be our compass and to let fear be our God sometimes where we listen to that more than we listen to Jesus. It will slowly deteriorate and eat away at how you see yourself, how you show up. It will ruin relationships. It's real, right?

Like it's something that we all feel, but I think in a lot of cases it ruins. and it adds a lot of destruction to parts of our lives and our identities if we allow it. Now, the simple truth of this too is that before Christ, many of us learn to earn love by being useful, agreeable, funny, attractive, or easy. So if we don't know the truth of the gospel, that's our gospel. Unfortunately, that's our worldly gospel. That's what we live by. That's what we learn.

but in Christ, we are already loved. And that's what makes the gospel so controversial is that it is the exact opposite of what the world tells you, is that you have to earn love. You have to be all of these things before you're loved. You have to be useful. You have to be agreeable. You have to be funny.

You have to be attractive. You have to be easy. And then, and this, and this, and this, and this, and then... Stop, I'm going to play it right now. Does anybody know SpongeBob? when they're blowing the bubbles to give a little context SpongeBob is showing Patrick

a bubble blowing technique to blow the best bubbles in bikini bottom okay and so he's showing him the technique and it's like absurd actually it's ridiculous the things that he has to do and that's what I just made me think of is like this is what the world teaches us

to be lovable we have to do all of this to get the bubble of love but you know what Jesus says is he says I already got the bubble babe and it's the best bubble you'll ever see in your life and you want to know why it's yours because I love you you already have it through me it's a gift I love you you're already loved

without having to perform or do anything because I already did everything that needed to be done to get the big bubble you're already loved I did it for you the work has been done it was nailed to the cross I did it I overcame it you don't have to earn anything

I love you already Ben? Bring it. Does he say it's a giraffe? I thought that was where he goes, It's a giraffe. And it's like, it's not. Okay, anyway.

That was fun. But genuinely, that's what the world, that's this and this and this and then? Okay. You get it. So that means we don't have to manage people's perception of us to secure our worth. We can tell the truth.

We can say that hurt. We can say, actually, I would prefer this. We can apologize. when we're wrong and speak up when we're hurting, not because we're demanding, but because we are secure. And to tie this back to scripture, because let's talk about it, I think that's very important, is the Bible actually doesn't teach us that we should become people who demand our own way. In fact, it calls us to humility, selflessness, and considering others above ourselves. That's in Philippians 2, 3, through 4. Jesus himself came not to be served, but to serve.

That's from Mark 10.45. At the same time, though, the Bible also doesn't teach that holiness means pretending you don't have needs, feelings, or limits. And if we think about Jesus, our perfect, perfect Jesus, he withdrew to lonely places to pray. And we can find that in Luke 516. He had limits and honored them. Let's actually go to that. Let's go to Luke right now. Wow, I forgot how long the book of Luke is. Okay. Whoa. I got to get my face back into Luke.

Let's actually start in Luke 513. This is where Jesus heals a man with leprosy. Okay. And honestly, this is such a great example of even the statement of like, that's said in Mark 1045, where it says Jesus himself came not to be served, but to serve others. So obviously he's serving others in just this act of healing this man of leprosy, which is like the most profound insane. People have never seen anything like this before. So Jesus reached out and touched this man.

Actually, no, let's go back a little further. We're going to start in verse 12. In one of the villages, Jesus met a man with an advanced case of leprosy. When the man saw Jesus, he bowed with his face to the ground, begging to be healed. Lord, he said, if you are willing, you can heal. me and make me clean. Jesus reached out and touched him, I am willing, he said, be healed. And instantly the leprosy disappeared. Then Jesus instructed him to not tell anyone what had happened. He said, go to the priest and let him examine you. Take along the offering required in the law of

Moses for those who have been healed of leprosy. This will be a public testimony that you have been cleansed. But despite Jesus's instructions, the report of his power spread even faster. and vast crowds came to hear him preach and to be healed of their diseases. But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer. And not to get on like too much of a sidetrack, I just think this is worth mentioning is, and I don't entirely disagree with it, but I do think that some people use Jesus withdrawing in this moment as evidence that we should quote, protect our peace or prioritize ourselves. but when you read the gospels carefully, that's not actually what's happening.

Jesus withdrew to the wilderness because his relationship with the father was his source of life and direction. It wasn't primarily about escaping people. It was about remaining with the father. And so I think that the needs, feelings, I don't think that Jesus necessarily, I mean, maybe, yeah, he did actually probably have limits because he was also a man. Like he was also a human. He was fully God and fully man. But because he was also human, he did probably have limits where he knew that he needed to go and be with the father. And so he had those limits and he honored them. And he also in that act was recognizing that like he needed to have time where he was anchored and rooted in the father. Another couple of examples I think that are worth mentioning of just how Jesus operated and how I believe he really demonstrated a place of emotional health and security in the father is that he said no sometimes.

Jesus was not a yes man. He didn't just say yes to everyone. And he spoke truth. He was a bold, bold man. He is a bold man, right? He spoke truth when people misunderstood or opposed him, even though it cost him their approval. I mean, he said no to people's expectations when they wanted him to stay and continue healing because his father had called him elsewhere. And you can refer to Mark 135 through 38 for that.

But basically, Jesus demonstrated this, right? Like, Jesus was endlessly sacrificial, but he was never performative. He was him. He was himself and he was not afraid to be himself. Why? Because he was so rooted in the father. He was so rooted in truth of who he was. And I think the truth too is that if you are rooted and your identity is truly in Christ,

you are going to have the aspects of somebody who is low maintenance, but also low maintenance, but I think even a better word for that too, or like another word we could use. is just like a biblical humility. Like you're just like you're a humble person. You're somebody who serves others from love versus somebody who serves in order to be accepted. Right? Because that would be the attributes of a cool girl.

Or you are willing to sacrifice for the good of others versus somebody who just says yes out of fear instead of love. So again, I think it all comes down to the why where it's coming from. from. If it's not coming from love and security through Christ, it's going to come from a place of performance and fear. I also really love this statement. I think this sentence rocks, but like, just the idea of the fact that there is a difference between dying to yourself and disappearing. The Bible calls us to die to sin pride selfish ambition and the flesh, not to the unique person God created us to be. So as Paul says, it's no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me, which is Galatians 220. Christ doesn't erase our God-given personality. He transforms us to become more like

him. And I think that there's another aspect of this too. That's really important where there's a spectrum, right? There's one side of the scale where it's like you've only ever denied yourself for the sake of other people, but really it was just driven by fear of rejection or not being accepted. And so then there's another extreme to that scale where now maybe because you haven't expressed your needs for so long, now you're like really on the other side. And I think that the truth is for Christians, okay? As Christians, yes, we are called to love sacrificially and consider other people above ourselves, but we're never called to build our identity on being indispensable, agreeable, or impossible to disappoint. Our security comes from being loved by Christ,

not from successfully managing everyone else's perception of us. And I think that's what would make anybody just emotionally healthy or mature is like understanding that balance, of learning when to sacrifice, but not neglecting ourselves or denying aspects of ourselves. to do that. So to kind of conclude this episode now, I think this was a very productive episode. I really liked it a lot. But I just want to share one last bit of my notes with you guys. Just to conclude, okay? So maybe today you don't relate to the phrase cool girl. Okay. And that's all right. That's the word that I identify that version of me that I was. But maybe for you, it was the people pleaser. Maybe it was the achiever. Maybe it was the funny one, the independent one, the one who never

asked for help, or the one who always had to have it all together. Okay, so whoever that person is for you, whatever version that is for you, I think regardless, so many of us have spent years becoming someone we thought would be easier to love. And the truth is, the beautiful truth about Jesus is that he never asks us to perform for his affection. He invites us to lay all of those versions of ourselves down, not because he wants less of us, but because he wants the real us. Jesus wants the real you.

And I can bet that everyone around you wants the real you too. They just don't know her yet. Or they just don't know him yet. Okay. The version of you that he created before fear, before comparison, before rejection, before the pressure to earn your worth. Following Jesus isn't becoming a more polished version of the person you've been pretending

to be. It's allowing him to lovingly strip away everything that was never you in the first place. So our homework, until I see you guys on Wednesday of next week, I just think for the rest of this week into the next few days, instead of asking how can I be more likable, if that has been a question that you ask yourself, maybe it's subconsciously, maybe it's in the back, of your mind, but like we're aware of it now.

Okay, but instead of that question going in your brain, try to counter that and ask God, where am I still performing? Where am I living for people's approval instead of yours? And would you give me the courage to become the person you've always known me to be? Because if that feels hard for you, I get it. I think it is a very hard thing. And like I said at the beginning of this episode, I don't believe it's just a light switch thing that happens overnight, just as it wasn't a light switch thing that happened

overnight for you to become this cool girl. Hey, that's all right. So you know what we can do when it feels impossible, when we're not sure how we're going to do it, when we feel weak, when we feel like we don't have the tools, we're not equipped to do it. We ask God for the strength. Then we start leaning on him for that. Ask God to give you the courage to become the person he's always known you to be. he's always known you to be that person they're deep deep deep deep deep deep deep they're only two deeps down depending on how long you've been doing this for me it was deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep but there's nothing god can't do and so if you need the courage if you need the guidance if you need to know how what when where i've been doing this for so long how do i even day by day and you ask him

for the tools you ask him for the courage he will provide because freedom isn't what? It isn't found where? It's not found in finally getting everyone to approve you, right? Freedom is found in knowing that in Christ, you already are fully known and fully loved. That's right. I love it.

I loved today's episode. Thank you, Jesus. Guys, I'm very proud of you. I'm very proud of you. I felt that there were a lot of you guys writing notes. And that's so exciting. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, God, for your wisdom.

Like, wow. Lord, you're the smartest person that I've ever known in my life. God, you're the smartest person we could ever know. Your wisdom is insane. Thank you, Jesus for your wisdom today. Guys, have a beautiful weekend. Have a beautiful weekend and a Monday and a Tuesday. And then we will touch base again on Wednesday.

I will see you guys then. But before we go, can we do something really cool today? Can we show somebody how cool Jesus is? Can we walk more like him, talk more like him, receive more of his freedom, identity? If we're going to walk more like him and talk more like him, it probably means that we're actually going to be more of the person that he created us to be. And we're going to take on aspects and characteristics of Jesus, who was very secure in the father, was bold, kind, came here to serve others and not to be served, but was honest.

So that's what we're going to reflect this week. I love you guys. I'm very proud of you. I'll see you next time. Bye.