Citation Needed - 1904 Olympic Marathon

Episode Date: March 18, 2020

The men's marathon at the 1904 Summer Olympics in St. Louis took place on August 30 of that year, over a distance of 24.85 miles (39.99 km).[2] Thirty-two athletes representing four nations competed, but only 14 managed to finish the race,[3] which proved to be a bizarre affair due to poor organization and officiating.[4]

Seriously, Pete Buttigieg. I'm telling you, Buttigieg is gonna take Super Tuesday, own it, that's his, all day. Tom, you know, we record these episodes in advance, right? Whatever, I have never made a safer bet. I'm doubling that. That's probably true. Hey guys.

God damn it. Right, you know, I forgot it was Monday. I don't even know how I forgot. We just talked about these. You see so before you get, man. Too late. Too late. Okay, I know it was Monday. I don't even know how I forgot. We just talked about CSO before you get, man. Two lights! Two lights! Okay, I know how much you love to jog.

And with this week's episode being the 1904 Olympic marathon, I recreated the marathon for you. Oh, God, I took one jog in the morning one time at one of our live shows. What's a morning? Okay, health not. Now, look, I set up dust clouds. I turned off the water for the whole building.

I even put in a human zoo. Eli, dad is clearly just heathen a loincloth. Yeah, he's been feeding a dog all morning. It's true. I gave match like so many treats. So many. He did. He really did.

No, Eli, they didn't feed dogs. They were, it was different. It was kind of the, they, what, what did they do? You know, never, never mind. I don't have the heart for this. Zach, Keith, give her a chew stick. Okay. Okay. Image, you, you know, finish that? Ow! Okay. Okay. She's finishing it. She's finishing it. That one's hers. That's hers. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed. Podcasts where you choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, that's how it works now. I'll be the play by play announcer tonight.

We'll say a slew incomprehensible things like, when you tackle that guy, you gotta grab him by the hind leg But I can't do this without my color man and sideline reporters introducing first two men who applaud your originality a calling it sports ball Heathen Noah. Yeah sports are dumb whenever fuck you my dad loves me. So that's fun, but Get a big stack of word rectangles and stare at them in silence. Fuck books. Literature is done. That's what we sound like. Yeah. Oh, it's just like, everybody's not into your stupid sports. Now, here are six more memes that hinge on an in joke from a 1990s Belgian indie comic about a gay fish. Just attacking Eli on the show now. Thank you, Color Man, and the best color we

can get is a sort of an off pink. Anyway, also joining us tonight on pink. A couple of unathletic and uncoordinated guys that have dressed in green and gold really look like they missed their opportunity to be green Bay Packer super fans. Tom and Eli. I mean, how much of green bay candies guys pack, am I right? Huh? What? I got it. I got it. I have broken two laws at the same time without losing my balance.

That should count through something other than a parole violation. Oh yeah, right. Okay, sir. Did. Hey citation needed listeners. I just want to mention that my favorite part about the current patronage level is the constant hunger pains Right side. There's no way in hell. We're gonna reach the road trip goal And I have to spend time with the lionic car

So I'll take the little victories everybody. No way. We are gonna reach that goal anyway If you want you want any extra content or to see videos of our live show, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And I'll tell you how. With that, tell us Noah what person-place thing concept phenomenon or event we'll be talking about today. Today, we'll be talking about the 1904 St. Louis Olympic marathon. Oh, and Tom, you've been training hard to finish this race.

Are you ready for the starting gun? Eat my dust, Cecil. That'll make more sense later. It's like, oh, okay. Sure. Okay, all right. Okay, Tom, why are you telling us a sports story? Yeah, I mean, that does seem somewhat out of character,

but I'll tell you why, Cecil, because this story has almost nothing to do with sports. It contains a stunning amount of personal misfortune in competence. There's some poisoning, some deceit. There's a level of absurdity in this story that will, I think, leave all of us agreeing that in the end, probably nobody won. Ah, someone's been watching Love Is Blind. I was so sure you were going to say the Democratic primary.

And people. All right, so this all began when St. Louis of all places decided to host the world's fair. The idea was to commemorate the centennial of the Louisiana purchased. Or at least that was the like, say it out loud theme. The real idea here is to showcase American imperialism, which I fucking love, because when I think about America swinging some big showy dick around, I think we can all agree the natural place to start is in America's sweaty tank.

I'm not just wearing a tank, so for sure. The arch is just the half of the cock ring you can see. So, before we get to the marathon itself, want to tell you a little bit about the world's fair. Boon nerd, Etruscans, just do this. Sorry. I said, this world's fair was a really big goddamn deal. It ran from April through December of 1904.

It cost $15 million. That's about a half a billion dollars in today's money to put this thing on. It took five years to build the nearly 1500 buildings. It sprawled across 1200 acres. When it was all said and done, 20 million people would visit during the eight months that the fair was open. And that was about a quarter of the entire US population at the time. Wow. Wow, like we can barely get those numbers

with presidential elections. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. All right, so 20 million people have now impossibly flocked to St. Louis. Like I know from personal experience, there better be something pretty goddamn once in a lifetime amazing to get anybody to purposely arrive in St. Louis with this St. Louis. Like, I know from personal experience, there better be something pretty goddamn once in a lifetime,

amazing to get anybody to purposely arrive and say, Lewis, this fair, this would not disappoint. Now, I promise we'll get to the marathon, but a little context about the sorts of entertainments that were on display for revelers and gochers. That's just set the table for this one. Context doesn't matter, Tom, nuance is dumb. Just tell us about the fucking sports.

Let's go. All right, yes, doesn't matter, Tom. New aunt's is dumb. Just tell us about the fucking sports. Let's go. All right. Yes. Boom. Yes. Boom. All right. Well, what I want to is bore you with the now laughable marvels of what was all basically

an early 1900 CES show. Most of because it might distract from all the racism and animal cruelty. For those who heard a live show about Coney Island, you might remember that at this point, America had a penchant for human zoos. The 1904 World's Fair was no exception. The largest exhibit at this fair was colloquially known as Dogtown. Dogtown featured and I shit you not 1000 actual real live except for the two that died in transport. Please be dogs, please be dogs, please be dogs.

It is not dogs. Genuine imported Filipinos. Fuck. How bad is it when your job has you rooting for like the thing that died on the way over to be dogs? Right? Shit's cut. Wow.

So these living exhibits were ranged according to their level of civilization. From Pock, the primitive the primitive to modern and the exhibit grounds were made to mirror their tribal homelands. The most popular of these exhibits was the Igarot tribe. And the Philippines, the Igarots would, on occasion for ceremonial purposes, eat dog. So naturally, once these people were on exhibit, they were fed dog on a daily basis to titillate the crowd. And the crowd was titillated. Fairgoers were so amazed by the savages,

this was their word, not mine, eating dogs that fairgoers began bringing dogs to the fair to be eaten for the amusement of the crowd. This was actually done so much that police had to patrol the surrounding area to avoid people's pets being stolen and offered up for snacks. Oh, fuck, sake. Just a bunch of cats, pied, pipering dogs to the fair, just running away. I'm sorry. I'll not eat more dog signs spelled wrong. Chick flake ass. Quick reminder, there's like a one in four chance your grandpa was in that crowd. Kinda makes Trump's election make a lot more sense.

Now, I think about it. How the fuck old do you think our audience is? Like the grandpa from 90 to 40. 20, 120, 50. Yeah. Okay. All right, somebody buy this man a calculator. All right.

Among the whole sum entertainments on offer, we're also the anthropology day events. So for the amusement of spectators, savages, again, there were, not mine, from various international human zoo villages amidst the fair, were called upon to compete in front of crowds in events such as greased whole climbing, mud slinging, javelin throwing. I only include the javelin throwing because

it doesn't sound that bad, but when you look at the pictures of it, they dress these guys in fucking loin cloths. Well, all these white dudes and suits are staring at the savages throwing spears around. I have no idea how this one would have been judged, but also there was a competitive event called ethnic dancing. If any of that sounds racist, guys, that's just because you're paying attention. Yeah, that does sound racist. Also sounds like Philadelphia when the Eagles won the Super Bowl in 2018. Exactly.

I saw idiots literally climbing greased polls, javelins, linecloths, and actually a good deal of white people trying to do ethnic dancing. Pretty much all the stuff in there. And that's real. The police literally pre-lobed the city with fuck fuck loop and people still climbed all the greased polls. I watched so many people hurt themselves and deserve it that night. It was I was in Philadelphia that night. Yeah, yeah, poor hub sent down a loop for it.

They was the whole big day. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I love that when Tom describes the horribly rancid bigotry of the early 20th century, your first thought was, yeah, that reminds me of Philadelphia. That's how it was in Delhi. 10 years ago. Right. All right.

So also at one point for the world's fair, there was supposed to be a bullfight. Really? In an arena, in St. Louis, really? In an arena purpose built just for this bullfight. And that might have been okay, I guess, except for the bullfighting, except that right before the bullfight itself, someone remembered that St. Louis actually had a law against bullfighting. At which point, they canceled the bullfight just before it was scheduled to begin with a full arena of paying customers.

The crowd totally fucking unimpressed by the sudden realization that they were standing in a custom built arena made for something which was presumably illegal before they laid that first brick. So they naturally demanded a refund for their bullfighting tickets. Just as naturally since this was St. Louis, they were told to go fuck themselves. So the crowd burnt the arena to the ground. That's so St. Louis. All right. Just like, all right, can I have my money back now? I'm a started giant fucking fire. Okay. It's 1904. How can that go wrong? Oh, thankfully nobody was hurt.

And that's because all of this happened on a Sunday, which is a day which I guess is earmarked for church and bull fights, but not fair going. You know, they could have saved this whole thing, mixed this exhibit with the Philippine exploitation one. Throw them up in front of the crowd and have me to bulldog problem-solving. Oh man. The only problem is is that after one time chasing that red cloth, the bulldogs out of breath

and nearly dying because bulldogs are unethical. They're unethical, so yeah. Not everyone has time traveling Egyptian gods for a pet sea soul. A number of new foods were also introduced to the world or popularized during the world's fair. It's been widely claimed that the waffle cone was an invention of the fair. It's total bullshit, not true. But Dr. Pepper was actually first inflicted on the world here. Okay. And for the day, it was healthy compared to most other doctors. It's amazing. A number of other foods such as hamburgers, hot dogs, and iced tea,

we're actually also popularized at the fair. But the only reason I included this paragraph in here is because by far the most iconic was daughter of slaves, Annie Fisher, who whipped up some of her soon to be famous, quote, beaten biscuits. Oh my God. So the daughter of slaves was selling beaten biscuits at the fair. Also, there was a full size elephant made entirely out of almonds. And you can see a picture of that thing. It's insane. That's nuts. That's nuts.

That's nuts. That's nuts. That's nuts. That's nuts. That's nuts. That's nuts. That's nuts. That's nuts.

That's nuts. That's nuts. That's nuts. That's nuts. That's nuts. That's nuts. That's nuts. That's nuts. That's nuts. That's nuts. James Cecil, whatever. Actually not, I think a nominus. Well, now that we know where he's at, the Hague should definitely prosecute Dr. Pepper for Christ. They can find him now.

What are you guys talking about? Dr. Pepper's the best. You're a Hitler. You are a Hitler. You die. If you love the taste of a dot matrix printer on the fritz, you know the one thing I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful.

I'm so grateful. You know the one thing I'm with the episode guy? You know the one that went through with the episode guy? You know the one that went through with the episode guy? You know the one that went through with the episode guy? You know the one that went through with the episode guy?

You know the one that went through with the episode guy? You know the one that went through with the episode guy? You know the one that went through with the episode guy? You know the one that went through with the episode guy?

You know the one that went through with the episode guy? You know the one that went through with the episode guy? You know the one that went through with the episode guy? You know the one that went through with the best guy you invented it could come up with. And it does. So then there was the Olympics. So America's first Olympics actually was here.

And the marathon, which I promised that I will get to, right? Yeah, no, because if somebody fails to get to the words in their title of the episode right away, it's a cardinal sin. And they should be merciless who has forever, I get it. I get it. I'm actually going to get to the win. It's you. But first, I want to, I get it, Tom. Eventually you'll get to the win. It's you. But first, I wanna just leave you with this quote

from the Smithsonian. Quote, there were moments of surprising and genuine triumph. Jimnist George Eiser earned six medals, including three gold, despite his wooden leg. What? That's amazing. That's amazing. That's amazing. That's amazing. That they do not elaborate on at all. That is just brought out lie. That's amazing. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That's a lie. That Go go gadget leg. Well, we reached that time where Tom would normally be making fun of Noah for not getting

the topic yet. So let's take a break for Appropole and nothing. What do you say, everybody? Alright, kids, now remember, if we get separated, we're on our own forever, we know, Dad! That's right, now, what shall we see, darling? I want to see the world of the future, I hear they have an exhibit on me voting! Ha ha, what will they think of next? I want to go to the racism tent, I want to go to the racism tent, racism!

Alright, I'll write Little Tubby here's's a nickel go by yourself a human being. Yeah, a nickel. I'll get to. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go check out the Olympics. I hear Nikki jumps as the fastest man alive. Ooh, how fast is he? About a third as good as a 2020 high school semi-finalist. Oh, me the way.

This is the most fun we'll ever have before we die. 1904. Aren't you glad you were born now? So when we left off we were talking about the exploitation of native peoples and a huge national spectacle. I mean the chiefs did just win the Super Bowl. What's all this new anyway? Anyway, we hear about race now, Tom. Go Kansas.

All right, C. So let's talk marathon. I guess when you and I think marathon, we probably think of a 26.2 mile race. There are probably some other details there, but that's generally a good starting place. Not so for the autobox free thinkers down in St. Louis. The St. Louis Olympic marathon was just over 24 and a half miles, as laid out from start to finish. Ish.

Yeah. Ish, you know, got it close. The best way to tell you this story is to tell you about the first several people who crossed the finish line in order of that crossing, though not without first describing the course. Okay, but they couldn't get on an exact just distance.

Yeah, right? I hope what they did was they realized they were a bit short the last second and then there was like, like a gym teacher making you do windsprints back and forth across the finish line. You got a two more times around the track. Touch the lines, touch the lot, pick up the eraser. All right. So the day of the race was hot. I mean, it was like really fucking hot. Like late August in St. Louis, fucking predictably hot, the heat index, the day of the race,

was 135 degrees. Okay, but that's in 1904 they were doing that. In 1904, that's just like a fat guy going outside and sweating for a few seconds, being like, yep, 135. That's like, I'm saying 135. Come on Frank, be scientific. hold this mercury for a second now So the course itself was described by a race official as quote the most difficult a human being was ever asked to run over And I don't think it were wrong the roads were covered in several inches of lung choking dust

There were seven hills on the course, ranging from 100 to 300 feet. The course wasn't roped off in any way for the runners, nor was the roads maintained or even repaired. So large rocks and stones were strewn across primitive dirt streets. The runners had to dodge cross-town traffic, horses, automobiles, pedestrians, trains, trolley cars. Okay, all right, but so far this is what Cecil does every

morning, but with hail. So the race organizers also, and I am not making this up, in an attempt to discover how well the human body performed when severely dehydrated, purposely only put in two water stations along the entire course, one at mile six and one at mile twelve. No other place to get one. Oh, that is one tough race. Okay, let's put the sniper towers here and here. All right, that sounds good.

Where should we release the tigers? I'd say mile 16. No, no, that's the spectator's circular saw blade toss. You can't do it there. Oh, is that 16? Oh, okay, let's go mile 14 then. That one's the hand grenade hot potato portion of the... Yeah, I can't do that.

Mile eight. Oh, is that not in the... Yeah, I had to. Yeah, I had to. Mile eight. Oh, is that not... It's not gonna... Yeah, my lady will work good. Okay, the water stations? Let's do mile six and mile 12. Oh, take it easy there, that many.

Well, yeah, I guess that does seem like a lot. Oh, okay, I'll tell you what, let's use two stations but we could poison every other glass. Shit, someone wrote this before they read the rest of the essay, didn't they? Yeah, spoiler alert, spoiler alert there, for sure. Yeah. I hope they were using glasses, literally. I'm a color glass, I'm milk.

So I'm just spiking them down in the fucking road for the other runners to run over. So the first guy who would cross the finish line that day was Fred Lors. And he jogged over the finish line in just under three hours, although he was not actually the winner. Fred qualified for the Olympic marathon because he ran really well at a five mile qualifying race. Oh, okay. Feels like there's a better system for testing a 26.2 5 It is a 24 and a 24 and three quarter. I threw a

Turbo football 50 yards. I'm an Olympic shot quarter mile. So this guy was not an experienced runner. He trained mostly at night after work because he spent his days at his job as a Bricklayer, so he had very little time for running or training. He got up to a good start in the first mile, but he soon fell behind by a mile nine. He, like many of the other runners, developed cramps and diarrhea from the well water at mile six. So Fred was exhausted.

He flagged down a passing car. And he hitched a ride ride he rode to that car I'm surprised more people didn't think of this Car and he's waving at crowds and actually waving at the other runners as he drives by them Then the car because it's 1904 the car fucking broke down at crowds and actually waving at the other runners as he drives by them. Then the car, because it's 1904, the car fucking broke down. So we hopped out and ran the last few miles across over the finish line. The crowd see some cross to finish line.

They go fucking nuts. They're cheering in American one and American one. Theater Roosevelt's daughter Alice very nearly put the wreath in the gold medal around his neck when the crowd realized that this fucking guy had just cheated and they turned on him stripping of his victory in the moment. Okay. Probably got caught when the cab driver ran up and like, fuck that guy, he shit all over my car. Just everywhere.

So coming in second place, but really actually first place was Thomas Hicks. So at the 10 mile mark, the race, desperate and thirsty, Thomas Hicks began begging for water. He begged two guys for water. They refused to him, but they saw their chance to test out their theories on sports performance on the sky. Why is this so who decided? These are not his trainers.

Here we go. Some random people who are like, I have a theory, let me try this. I was gonna stand here. What the fuck? So rather than give this guy anything to drink, the two men spunged out his mouth with distilled water. What?

Yeah, that's it, that's it, Mil 10. Four miles later, Mil 14, Hicks impromptu training crew fed him strict nine and egg whites. Still no water. They did not give it to any water at this point with the strict nine. And all. Strict nine. That's a poison.

Yeah. In very small amounts, it's a stimulant. So they were actually trying to dope the athlete. It would actually be the first incidence of Olympic doping. It didn't help because as he ran, Hicks became Ashen and Limp began to hallucinate. So his trainers naturally tried some more strict nine and egg whites, but this time they let him wash it down

with some French brandy. Yeah, whereas they called it 1904, breakfast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So then they doused his body in warm water. So close. So mean.

Race official, Charles Lucas said this of Hicks. Quote, Hicks was running mechanically like a well oiled piece of machinery. His eyes were dull, lustrous. The ashen color of his face and skin had deepened. His arms appeared as weights well tied down. He could scarcely lift his legs while his knees were almost stiff. Okay.

That guy has weird machines, first of all. That's right. I know. I've seen him. But again, what the hell was happening here? These guys were like, all right, we got, we boss. We tried the egg whites brandy and strict nine thing. Did not create a super soldier like

we're hoping. Would you say the yolks? Yeah, okay, we'll try the yolks. We'll call you back in a second. We'll try the okay. Not to downplay the horrors of the Holocaust. Eli, your sentences start like get too often, man. That's fair. That's a fair criticism. But like, Mangle lay makes a lot more sense in the context of the people just randomly did experiments on each other. Early life and hunt. Right? No. This is like our third essay where a guy was just like, I got a thing. I got a thing.

That's fucking insane. So hallucinating, poisoned, dehydrated, unbearably hot, and that was so gig wet. Hicks continued on. When he got to the last mile, he began crying, and begging those around him for something to eat. In his hallucinations, he believed he was still 20 miles from the end of the course, even though he was nearly at the finish.

How did they find that out? He also began begging his trainers to lie down. He asked them for tea, but I just gave him more brandy instead. Nice. Unable to continue running, the two men picked him up and carried him the last bit over the finish line. Picks was unable to understand that he was not running. So he continued to move his legs as if he were running.

Like even as he was going for the parade. That's awesome. I know. Even as these two guys carry this guy over the finish line, it took four doctors working on Hicks a full hour before he was well enough to leave the event to go to the hospital. Hicks lost eight pounds running in that race. Jesus

after the disqualification, even though two guys carried him over the finish line, he was still declared the winner. Isn't it more about the friends we made along the way? Like that? It's an animate suit spoon that helped me carry me across the finish. Where is he at? All right. So then, I don't know, some guy named Albert came in second, but no one remembers

anything funny about him. So who cares? I love the story of human depravity and the callous hell that our nation was a hundred years ago. There's just a guy named Al that had a nice run that day too. You have that. You were doing a theme. Jesus.

So the next man was Felix Carvajal. Felix was a postman from Cuba, who financed his trip to America by running around the island, asking for donations. And after crowdsourcing his Olympic bid, Felix arrived in America in New Orleans, and they promptly gambled all of his money on dice and lost, it's just all gone.

Penieless, he walked and hitchhiked from New Orleans to St. Louis and he arrived in St. Louis to the fairgrounds the very afternoon of the race itself. So a word here on Felix's race where, imagine a five foot tall skinny Cuban man. Always. Good. And just keep that image. All right. Now imagine that man wearing men's dress slacks, dress shoes, a white dress shirt, and a jaunty cap. It'd be done. Go ahead. Good. All right. So this outfit was all Felix had to wear

for the race. just like the regular early 1900 men's uniform of wool pants and a dress shirt that you've seen a thousand times So Felix just borrowed some guy's knife turned his pants into cutoffs and he ran that whole fucking race white shirt flapping in the breeze Dress shoes pounding the pavement Pass this Michael Douglas carrying a machine gun. Weirdo. No. Totally fucking unfazed by anything, I guess. Felix stopped and chatted with every crowd of well-wishers along the way.

A lot of times he was begging them for food or water as he went. As he ran, Felix grew hungry since he had not eaten at that point when he started the race in 40 hours. Passing an orchard, he stopped at eight some apples he found lying on the ground nearby, but the apples were rotten. And so Felix became ill and he laid down to take a nap for an hour. What? He just napped.

He just, God, just how many the Olympics, but I'm going to sleep through some of this. He woke up from the nap, he cheerfully resumed the race, and despite getting the shits, taking a nap, fasting for 40 hours before the race, and wearing dress shoes, he came in fourth, or maybe third, it's kinda hard to say, right? Or even a second if you don't have the guy who got carry.

Okay, but was there a completely different attitude about shitting in 1904? Just like everybody's Eli somehow in the story. And nobody says anything that's all I mean, I just shitting all over the place as far as I can tell. Maka. A few other runners of note, William Garcia was a runner from California. He only made it a few miles into the race when he collapsed. He was discovered by other runners lying unconscious in the middle of the road. Dust from the road had coated his esophagus and ripped his stomach

lining. And he lay on the course bleeding internally until he was found. He nearly died. Geez, man. This course is plotted out by Himalayan Sherpas. No, you go right at the guy face down bleeding on the pavement at the three guys that died shitting in the bushes. I can't miss him. The smell you'll know. The first two black African athletes to compete in the Olympics were also in this race. So two men from South Africa, Lentau and Jan Moshiani, which does not sound African, competed, though neither of them ran this race wearing shoes. So they both ran barefoot. Well, an important time to remind everybody that like three of the four runners that we've discussed so far had large portions of the race devoted to street pooping. So these two guys weren't in fact even supposed to be in the Olympics.

They weren't supposed to compete here. They were brought over to be part of one of the fairs living exhibits. The men decided they wanted to run the race. And so they just snuck over and raced in the Olympics. Nice. One of these guys came in ninth place. The other guy came in 12th place, though to be fair, the guy who came in 12

was chased a mile off the course by a pack of wild dogs. You can't make this up. Okay, but in defense of those dogs, they were like, so we hear your part of one of the exhibits here. Let's see how you like me. I just feel like knowing that if they catch you, they're put you back in the zoo is a real good motivation.

Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. So the only French runner in the race was disqualified after he ran the marathon because he forgot to bring with him any of the paperwork proving who he was. He got de-cute. Nice. The two runners from Greece that showed up to the Olympics had never run in any race at

all. Much less a marathon, but they came all the way from Greece to give it a whirl. They didn't finish. In fact, 17 of the 42 athletes who started didn't finish the race. Okay. I'd say those are the 17 winners. Like, they didn't get mulled by a pack of wild dogs or poisoned or projectile shat on.

Those are wins. That was because. That was because. And then the Russian team, they arrived a full week after the race because they were still using the Julian calendar and they just got the dates all wrong. That's amazing. The Russian judges still gave him dates all right. That's amazing.

The Russian judges still gave him first place too. It's crazy. Oh, I was just kidding. It's crazy. It's that out of town. And then I love this part because it just mean the next year, Lors, that guy who rode shotgun for half the marathon and who's still attempted to accept the gold medal on the reed, well, he competed in the Boston the next year against Hicks.

Hicks was the guy who ran the marathon, hallucinating and hopped up on Brandy and Rap Poison. And Lord's the fucking cheater won. So we did it probably just to see the look on Hicks' stupid face when he won. Jesus. We had to summarize it, you learned it one sentence, Samo would it be?

I guess no matter how bad things get, they can't get as bad as they already were. Amen. That's fair. Are you ready for the quiz? Well, I haven't been drinking this Brandy and Red X cocktail for nothing, Cecil. Great. All right. First question for you.

What's the best name for the movie version of the Poison-themed marathon? A. Arsenic and Old Race. First question for you. What's the best name for the movie version of the poison-themed marathon? A, arsenic and cheeseburgers aside. What was the second most popular food in the 1904 affair? It would be third, but we're not counting. So you have waffles. Cheeseburgers. Beagle with green cheese.

The screen cheese would be better there. Snicker poodles. Those are good. Those are really good. See? Pugkin spice lattes. We always got a forced pug in there, Pugkin Spice Latte. He always got a forced Pug in there,

even when it was in there. Absolutely, always. Or D, Zhao, Zhao main. Pugkin Spice Latte. Pugkin Spice Latte. He always got a forced Pug in there, even when it was in there. Absolutely, always.

Or D, Zhao, Zhao main. Pugkin Spice Latte. Pugkin Spice Latte. Pugkin Spice Latte. He always got a forced Pug in there, even when it was in there. Absolutely, always. Or D, Zhao, Zhao main.

Pugkin Spice Latte. Pugkin Spice Latte. Pugkin Spice Latte. Pugkin Spice Latte. Pugkin Spice Latte. with it. So like it just seems that is correct. Okay, Tom, if he threw running a marathon, watching what a disgusting shit would he rinse his mouth out with that mile six? A stiff and premise. Fucking Red Bull and Yeager, also known as trailer park rocket fuel. B, racist, some flavored soda, a whiskey that smells like a five year old smokers fingers or D. He'd probably be cool with that shriknine shit. Having been out with Heath, I'm going to say it's definitely D. He'd probably be cool. Yeah, I agree. The other one's too. But yeah, yeah, this is I was sure it was the old smokers fingers. I was sure it was. All right, I got one more for you. Tom, with the exception of the part where large numbers of people intentionally go there, how is anything you said different than present

day, St. Louis? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, hey, the racism is less subtle now. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Is it true? See, the people along the way offering you poison are charging you for it now, or D, in your story, technically there were winners. Oh. Oh. That is, I'm, having been to St. Louis a number of times, it's definitely, the racism is not less subtle now.

That is, that's a, that's a fucking distraction distraction. So the holes in the road are probably the same. So I'm gonna go with see the people on the way are charging for the poison just because based on experience. I feel like you would know that that is Corrector that is right over fucking priced if you ask me is legal one stator the panel didn't stump you You're the winner this week. All right well Noah, you're up, Bunning. Oh, okay. You did that on purpose. That's said to do it right here in the notes. That's why.

For Tom Heath, Eli and Noah, I'm Cecil, thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week, and by then, Noah will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can listen to Tom and Eli's new show. Sports are stupid ways to time. Let's binge 45 straight hours on Netflix! And you can watch Noah and Heath's new video channel, drawing Dick Butt with a yellow replay pen. If you'd like to donate money to this show, but not enough for that road trip, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod, or leave us a five star view anywhere you

can. If you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect to us on social media or check the show notes, be sure to check out CitationPod.com. Did you have fun at the fair little Timmy? I sure did, I saw an OctaRoon. Wow, be careful, that's contagious. I know, I know. Where's Mom?

Oh, she died of the rickets. Yay, new Mom! Seriously, Pete, Buttigieg. I know, I know. Where's Mom? Ah, she died of the rickets. Yay, new Mom! Seriously, Pete, Buttigieg. I'm telling you, Buttigieg is gonna take Super Tuesday on it, that's his. All day. Tom, you don't even like gay people. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Okay, I'll read the line, right?