Citation Needed - 1980 Damascus Titan Missile Explosion

Episode Date: November 14, 2018

The Damascus Titan missile explosion (also known as the Damascus accident[1]) was a 1980 U.S. Broken Arrow incidentinvolving a Titan II Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (ICBM). The incident occurred on September 18–19, 1980, at Missile Complex 374-7 in rural Arkansas when a U.S. Air Force LGM-25C Titan II ICBM loaded with a 9 megaton W-53 Nuclear Warhead had a liquid fuel explosion inside its silo[2] at a missile launch facility. Launch Complex 374-7 was located in Van Buren County farmland just 3.3 miles (5.3 km) NNE of Damascus, and approximately fifty miles (80 km) north of Little Rock. (Coordinates: 35°24′50″N 092°23′50″W.) [3][4] Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

And so I said this isn't your property. Don't throw your garbage on my lawn. Wait, wait, was he dressed as a mailman? I mean, yeah. And you yelled at him anyway? It could have been a disguise. We don't know. There it is. There it is. Hey, guys. What do you think? I think it's a rocket? Rocket look at this guy. It's a missile Noah. I'm not better

How exactly did yeah under Trump these contracts are Really easy to get you lie. What where does this part go the warhead? He's top of the missile buddy That's where the war the top seriously I was just there well so far you got to go back don't you to the top I quit the missile oh come on man oh real professional heat really cool but you know we are actually gonna we're gonna go. Yeah, just go where you guys going? I got a missile out of the blast radius Fight a nickel right?

Hey Tom Tom little help here. I am a space man Containments, too Tom. We've been over this buddy. It's not containing me too well. Let me tell you some Yep, Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, that's how it works now. I'm Tom and I'll be prematurely blasting off, but I'm not working the cylinder alone, the I'm in my age. I'm just happy to detonate one. I'm in my son's name. All right, and also joining us tonight, to gentlemen whose presence is also thought of as a retaliatory gesture, Heath and Noah.

Honestly, I went to a party last weekend where I didn't know anyone and a circle of people rejected me like a bad organ trip. Right? It was like an amoeba vomited me right now. All right, but the silver lining heath is if stuff like that didn't happen, we'd have never invented cocaine. Okay, I keep telling you know what? You didn't invent it, you bought it.

We all saw. I invented it. I invented it. I invented it. All right, and before we begin, we need to pause for that very special moment where we think our patrons. Remember, our patrons are the reason you're listening to this.

So if you like the show and you're not a patron, you can think they want to thank you card and perhaps a nice bit of oral sex. And if you'd like to join the rakes of those deserving of oral sex, be sure to stick around until the end of the show. But that other way, tell us Heath, what person placed thing concept phenomenon or event?

What would we be talking about today? Today, we're going to be talking about the 1980 Damascus Titan missile explosion. All right. And Eli, you weren't kind enough to let Noah write an essay that you claim as your own. Are you ready to mispronounce most of the big words? Hurtful, hurtful and unfair. I am not going to dignify that with claim is your own. Are you ready to mispronounce most of the big words? Hurtful? Hurtful and unfair. I am not going to dignify that with a repost, Tom. It's perfect.

So tell us Eli, what was the 1980 Damascus Titan Missile Explosion? It's the scariest thing you've never heard of, Tom. So to truly understand how fucked up this story is, you need a little background. See, the star of this story is an LGM-25C Titan II, intercontinental ballistic missile loaded with a nine Megaton W-53 nuclear warhead that was located

at a reform 50 miles north of Little Rock, Arkansas. Okay, fancy words, Eli, nice, impressive, but how big of an explosion are we talking here? Well, this bomb had three times more explosive power than every weapon used in World War II combined, including the two nuclear bombs we dropped on Japan. If it had gone off, it would have almost certainly

killed everyone in the state in minutes covered neighboring states with a plume of deadly radioactive fallout extending from the mid-south to the east coast, perhaps as far as Washington. Right. Right. But the downside, we'd have to fly over higher, like a bunch higher. And that's kind of funny. So you got to weigh it.

And I should also mention that the giant bomb was old and extremely volatile, like Arkansas's voting base. Like my dad. Yeah, I feel like this could have helped with the electoral college problem we talked about last week though. Yeah, I mean, like, how volatile are we talking? Well, I'll tell you, Tom, See, today, our missiles use solid fuel, but the Titan II was designed in the 60s

and used liquid fuel. In the form of two tanks underneath the warhead, one filled with rocket fuel, and the other with a substance known as oxidizer, which means that underneath the nuclear warhead was actually the answer to, where does the giant tank of rocket fuel go at one point? Yeah.

So in an ideal world when the missile was in the air, the two fuels would meet. But if anything else happened, the two liquids would meet and explode with the force of, well, rocket fuel intended to send a nuclear warhead anywhere in the world. And this goes horribly wrong. So I'm assuming we just had like a line of buoys roping off the two tanks. You guys want to see an energetic explosion switch from a solid fuel to a liquid

fuel diet. Let me tell you. So again, in summary, it wasn't just a bum. It was a bum on top of another much more volatile bum. All right, guys, if we make Arkansas explosive enough to blow up the entire world. Well, I really need the rocket part, boo. Nerd. All right, they seem worried. No, Eli, Eli. But I'm sure the fuse was like safely tucked away behind a protective paper coating. So the New Extinction events happened because we put teenagers in charge of maintaining the deadliest weapons in the history of mankind, Tom.

I thought so. Carry on. All right, so our story begins on September 18th, 1980, when 19 year old Jeff Blum climbed into David Powell's pickup truck to be shown the ropes on his first days on the job at the nuclear missile silo. Jesus cool cool. Yeah. A 19 year old in Arkansas who does not own his own car.

He wants to work next to a giant apocalypse tube on purpose. Yeah, he's crushing it in my good. Hi, good pick up. This sounds like an epically bad first day on the job. Almost as bad as Stormy Daniels first day when she had to fuck Donald Trump. Right? But with a much less dangerous shaft. Everyone pays their dues, Cecil.

Now, for Jeff and David, getting to work with no joke, there were nearly a dozen gates, locks, passwords, and phones between the surface and the bomb. And dozens more rules about what to do and how to behave once you got below the earth's surface to the actual bomb. So again, like Stormy's first day when she had to sign a non disclosure agreement and Donald had to sign that safety wave. All right, so right away, I feel like I'd like something on an order of magnitude higher than dozens when it comes to rules around the hydrogen bomb, right? I was hoping for hundreds of thousands even rule number 11 when going outside for a smoke break always smoke at least 15 feet from the cat a chlisminator 9000. That's the aim that we'd lose Noah. So remember that oxidizer stuff I told you about? So I need to convey just how dangerous that stuff is.

It's a class A poison, the most toxic category for any chemical. It could ignite spontaneously if it touched leather, paper, cloth, or wood. What leather work? Just locking eyes with your boss boss slowly dipping a piece of pleather into the town. The settlers think a tan board is just ashes bill I told you I needed bricks. No right it gets worse the field could also ignite if it touched rust or even if it didn't touch anything. If there were And you waved your hand

To the fast Including So All right ready rock Pleather scissors Stop it idiots Stop it Wait, I didn't

Ignited if it touched rust Well, wasn't Hillary's campaign message Like how the fuck does something like this even exist in the first place? If it ignites on contact with like everything. I was like invented in a lab full of naked scientists holding their breath all day. So the teams in charge of handling this stuff were called propellant, transfer, system teams or PTSD and if you're wondering how well they were trained and what kind of experts they were, that's what David Powell was training Jeff Plum to be a part of.

19 years old, a 19 year old. Oh God, please tell me this kid is doogie house or level smart. Please. Tom, he's about to go to work next to an eight story tower of death. Yeah. Yeah. Not to be how's her think carnival worker without the caution.

So on the night of the incident, Powell and Plum's job was pretty routine. One of the missile's fuel tanks was low on pressure. So all they had to do was take off something called the dust cap, pump in some more liquid, and boom. Well, hopefully not boom. But that was it. That was what they had to do. Take off the cap. Okay. The dust cap does not inspire confidence. Like, I'd love it if dust wasn't a fear that needed a dedicated safety. Just cap right next to the leather filter and the paper shield and the guy yelling nobody move ever. I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that you should just like never have a routine

night at the annihilation factory. Like just or only have routine. Tom, that was actually the problem. See, they get to the missile and their hydraulic platform was broken. So this was basically a mechanical ladder that brought them up and down the missile. And by all reports, this was a real bummer in a drag. Yeah, especially when it was next to an atmospheric CO2 chart. So it was Friday night. These guys had already been working for 12 hours. So by the time another team came in

and fixed the platform, pow and plum were, show we say eager to get their job done in a hurry. See, this, this is what happens when you stop at dozens of people. I'm even supposed to be here today. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because you see when they finally got inside, they realized they left their torque wrench

above ground in the truck and getting it was going to be a major pain in the ass. But it was Friday night. So they decided to wing it. At least scores. All I want is at least scores. All right, we don't have the right tool. We'll just shake it open with this leather vibrator. Like I've always just been curious like why is it that the jobs the highest possible stakes always have the longest fucking shifts? Like these kids shouldn't be stressed and tired

in working 12 hours. They should be working like three hour shifts and be fed steak every morning get a blow job on their lunch break. Like I want them calm and relaxed when working around a bomb surrounded by radioactive precariously balanced dominos. And blow jobs worked for the Navy. So how old was the senior guy is like, don't worry about it. We can use this ratchet instead. Now, the nerds in our audience are already like, no, but if you're like me, you're wondering what the nurse for one flu over the kukuz nest has to do with rockets. So let me explain. I can tell you that I can tell you how they're

different. Only one of them is going to strip. That's for sure. Chittits and deeds. So. Shit tits and deeds. So basically, the thing, the ratchet was meant to turn, fit over the dust cap. They were trying to unscrew. So what they did, so they didn't have to go all the way up and get their wrench, is put that thing on the dust cap and unscrew it with the ratchet.

And that, and this is very important, leaves plum holding this socket thing. And Powell is holding this giant three foot wrench looking thing. So when it's unscrewed, Powell puts the wrench giant thing down and Plum goes to hand this giant socket that fits over the dust cap to Powell and he drops it. Oh shit. 70 feet straight down where it bounces against the wall and into the side of the rocket. Okay, well, maybe if you don't build your missile silo like stage one of angry birds,

like stage one of angry birds. I feel better. Maybe because that is when highly explosive and corrosive rocket fuel started spraying everywhere. Yeah, fine, but like was the rocket body itself made of like aluminum foil? I mean, they dropped a spoon on it and it sprung a leak. Like, did it hit right on the acme logo It's like hitting the Heinz logo. Yeah The alarm for the silos going off and it's actually the Benny Hill theme music

And and at this, honestly, somebody yelled, don't worry, guys, it's the least dangerous third of the bomb. It's just a highly corrosive toxic, extremely fanable, but you could put leather right in that shit and we find. All right. Well, Arkansas didn't blow up, or maybe it did. It's not, I either way, I'm on the edge of my seat. So while we find me a bigger seat, let's take a break for this little ditty. We like to call apropos of no

Yeah, so the next thing we do is we make sure rocket has all the proper maintenance. Okay. So we open glass doors, we take this wrench over here, and then we use the hydraulic lift. Oh, uh-oh. Yeah, damn thing is broken again. It happens a lot. No big deal. Just go over to this locker right here.

Just put these on. Okay. What are these? At a crampons, and these are your ice axes. What are we supposed to do? Well, we're gonna scale the thing. We can't just skip maintenance. All right, I'm following you.

It's pretty easy once you get the hang of it. He's gonna pick it. Hey, Bill, you got a light Yep, here you go. Okay, thanks Anything else I should know that really Are we gonna have to climb down? No, no, when we're done, we'll just we'll put on a sandpaper pants and slide down this fire pole made out of match-head So it'll be fine.

All right, well, I think that actually pretty clearly summarizes the issue. So tell us, Eli, as we begin a new national conversations about revamping our nuclear weapons stock piles What a gomer and gomer do next What they did actually makes the story more terrifying see plum and powell sit there Staring what they did for a second and then they radio command on the other side of the silo to say There's a cloud of vapor coming out of the missile. Jeff broke a missile. Jeff broke it.

Yeah, exactly. They just gingerly placed the warhead back on top of the missile. They start to whistle and walk out, but they forget that the gas and guys are both whistling and walking. Rock, pleather, warhead shoot. Damn it. Now I cannot emphasize this enough. Plum and Powell do not radio and tell everyone what happened. They radio command and say, yeah, something's weird, but not. Hey guys, this is dropped a thing. That is what happened. That is why it is weird. This is this this is, I'm trying to explain to dad

how the car got wrecked with the least amount of responsibility for the wrecking. Yeah, it's like what politicians do every election cycle. So this is fucking black guy just came out of nowhere. He just slapped the socket out of my hand. This black communist homosexual. There's a whole caravan. I know, a whole caravan.

Right, so they're in the middle of doing exactly what he's just said. They're easing into their explanation when, what did you know? Every fucking sensor and alarm that the silo has start going off. So command, which again are located on the other side of the silo, are losing their goddamn minds trying to find out what happened.

Plum and Pal, go over to that side, and when they're asked about what's wrong, again, they play dumb. Oh, and I bet they nailed it. They say, we saw some smoke, but we don't know what happened. And by the way, spoiler alert, sadly, neither of them died in the story. So don't you know, don't you know what the smoke was just,

you know, the black communist homosexual Nazi ninja warlock on drugs teleport away. No, no, no, no, I got a question to like nobody ever tell these guys what their actual jobs were. Like, I mean, I know this thing is shaped like a huge phalus, but I'm not sure don't ask, don't tell, is the right policy in this instance. Oh, if only these guys had only fucked each other, Tom. But it's actually worse than you think.

When you realize how important it was that they tell people what was happening. See, I was assuming that was important, Neil. I just to be clear. See, the fuel tank of the Titan 2 was pressurized. So if all the fuel leaked out of the tank and they knew it was in the process of doing just that, it wouldn't just like be empty, the tank would collapse and all the fuel and oxidizer would explode under a nuclear warhead.

So they weren't just not telling the truth. They were not telling the truth about what they knew was the time bomb next to a time bomb. And plum and power thinking, you know what if the whole state explodes there, there is zero evidence. This is our fault, y'all. Okay. Okay. So 30 minutes later, let me say that again. 13 minutes later, an episode of everybody loves Raymond with commercials later, a power comes clean.

And everyone was been running around trying to figure out whether this is a small fire in an air doctor a broken sensor on the rocket is letting on the fact that they are all sitting on a time bomb and power plum had let thirty minutes of that time tick away so they wouldn't get in trouble. Oh my God. All right, are you guys sure that's the whole story? Are you sure? Because I'm gonna execute this black man we found in town right now.

Yeah. Yep, whole store boss, you made a bad pick for a bluff by the way. It's stupid. This is stupid bluff. So here's the problem. I was just wondering what the problem was. Okay.

Because Powell and Plum had waited so long, hoping the Jews would take credit for the problem and say, by the time everybody knew what was going on, there was too much fuel in the area to patch the hole. If they sent a team down there to repair it in their suits, the suits would dissolve as soon as they opened to the door. Oh my god. And here I thought the massive nuclear bomb was going to be the problem. Guy feels strong now. The settler of a tan guy is in the back. I told you we needed brick suits. I told you that. So command radios, the bosses in Little Rock. And now they have a decision to make.

Should they tell everyone to evacuate or should they stay in the command center? It doesn't matter as the exit door teleported a can. No, right. No, but I see their dilemma though, because like if nobody actually seized the bomb, go off, how would you know later if you were looking at a post apocalyptic nuclear wasteland or just Arkansas. So here's the thing, the command center was built to withstand a direct nuclear attack and they were pretty sure the warhead wouldn't go off. So command center was technically the safest place for people to be that said, stay in there with the bomb, trust me, doesn't have a great ring to it. So that's what they were torn.

That's a much better ring than stay outside with the bomb. It launches out. All right. So you guys know, do you jiu jitsu? You know, jiu jitsu, you stay inside the bomb's guard, like just inside it's a real house and it won't be able to wind up and hit you. You get, get in time. Get Eli. I'm going to have to disagree.

I think Fiji would have been the safest place to be in that moment. Like that's the. So finally, the higher up in Little Rock, Colonel John Moser says, okay, everybody evacuate. The guy in charge of the command center actually in the missile silo, Alan Childers begs him not to make that decision, but he's not in charge. So everyone evacuates except for

shoulders. I bet children's just cleaned out the fridge in the break room the second they were out. So I can't hear it. So everyone goes out this escape patch, which was essentially a ladder that led straight up from the back door

of the silo. And just when everybody gets out, the Air Force calls to let them know they want a few people to go back in because now they believe children that it's safer in there. Some of the people that come in, they want a couple people to check out.

Just the ones we like the most. Yeah, but they have to actually go in at fast speed because the whole time the Benny Hill music is going in the background. So they have to move it. Yeah, can he sack speed guys? It's actually dumber than go back down there. See, the Air Force doesn't want them to go in the door. They all just went through.

They're wide open one that leads directly to the command center. They want them to break in the front door. The one with all the gates and the locks and the pass codes and shit that plum and power to put out to do a second time. That's that's where they want them to go in. I was just standing there outside of the place going through capture. So to the edge of the stop sign is in the corner square. Two don't have to start off. We're gonna have to have an email now. God damn it. That's not even a door that should be break in a bowl, right? Like you shouldn't. Like is there like a key and a fake rock under the welcome man? How significantly stupor than that, Tom.

See, remember, shoulders, the guy who stayed inside and is rating the fridge, he could have just let everyone in through the front door, but nobody tells him that they're doing it. So instead, the teams who are sent back inside are like cutting fences and hopping walls, digging tunnel. I'm sure you need. Good thing they went through all that rigorous air force physical training. They're still panting their way out to the door. I think they are. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I feel like at that point, you just wait for the missile to explode. Then you can just walk right through. No fence. The team they sent finally breaks through all the fences and the walls and stuff and they get to the silo. Right to the blast doors that hold everything in. And they check this meter that's on the very outside of the blast doors to see how much pressure has built up inside to see whether it's safe to like go in and fix stuff. And that meter reads Everything is about to explode

and 30 seconds after they read that meter Everything explodes Jesus, if you're reading this Get your dicks out go ahead and get your dicks out Don, okay, done, everybody's in There we go now keep in mind that if this war had gone off, command and Little Rock were seconds away from dying. So here's Colonel John Moser's quote

on what happened when the explosion finally went off. Quote, all you've ever read is when you have a nuclear explosion, you lose communications for some time and we lost communications. And I just had no idea if the blast wave was going to eventually hit Little Rock Air Force based. I had no idea if the blast wave was going to eventually hit Little Rock Air Force paste. I had no idea.

I had no idea what was going to happen. I'd like the guy in charge of the nuclear missile to have some idea. He continues, but I thought we lost the whole works out there, everybody. And you know, I'm not really a religious guy, but I had to. I almost dropped on my knees to say a quick prayer. And that would have been just as effective as the repair team of plum and pop. I love that he almost said a prayer, but not all the way.

So he was just like, fuck, all right, our father who already, giant rock, run away, run away. But now, prayers later. I got to say, like, I'm with Noah, like, shouldn't the Air Force know exactly what makes giant rock run away run away ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So everything explodes, but it's not a nuclear explosion. But it is an explosion and explosion that blows chunks of cement and concrete, the size of cars and buses all around the surrounding area where, you know, everyone who worked there was standing because the air force told the Jesus. So they all just start running away Here's another quote from that incident quote all the sudden rock started falling It was like rain falling and then it was all this gravel from the complex and

directionally I Metal started falling out of the sky and everybody started to run. That'd be super hard to run with your pants so full, you know? It's like I've heard a toddler's waddling away. You know? But why? I mean, I love that these people are all collectively going, you know what? We can outrun the sky. Chicken little looks up finally.

It's my time. He continues, the chunks of concrete that we're landing everywhere whereas I mean everywhere whereas biggest coffee tables the real big ones whereas biggest pickup trucks and school buses and stuff like that everywhere you could hear them hitting

the ground around me man it was like boom boom boom if was like boom, boom, boom. Hey, for us like that. And this guy has a real gift for an allergy, doesn't he? Man, this story just makes me realize, like, Keanu Reeves has been through a lot. He concludes, I got up immediately. I took off running. I got five steps away. And a chunk of concrete hit the ground behind me as big as a bigger, bigger than a school bus. The trees were on fire, the grass was on fire, the only light we had was fires. Okay, I mean, so plenty of light. That's a weird time. And you could see the shadows

of just about everything because there was so much fire around there. It was like being in this forest fire without a forest being around you. What? What? It's like a fire breathing dragon attacking us. Except, well, you know, without the dragon. You know what I mean? It's a fire, it was fire.

You guys know fire? You know the word fire? It was like fire. It was like fire, the size of fire. Like, imagine us bust fire without a bus. It's no fire, you know the word fire. It was like fire. It was like fire, the size of fire. Like imagine us bust fire without a bus. It's just fire, the size of that though, in fire. At one point this guy just looks up, they should have bombed a post. So absolutely miraculously, only one person

was killed in this incident. A member of the team that was outside the silo when it exploded named David Livingston, who was coincidentally Powell's roommate. Oh God. We're a labor plot to get a single room, man. Jesus. But you're only calling this elaborate because you've never lived in Manhattan. Yeah. It's a plot.

Don't eat my peanut butter, whatever. And if you're wondering what happened to the warhead, it did not go off and was found later, a quarter of a mile away, intact and in a ditch. But the disappointed kids found it when they were looking for a dead body. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, the Air Force didn't even get it back. It hadn't been claimed under the unbreakable rules

of finder's keeper. That's true. That's true. I got that. and claimed none of the unbreakable rules of finders keepers. True. True. I got that. Now, the Air Force attributed the accident to human error because it was the fault of error full humans, but specifically the error of plum and pal.

But many people, including Jeff Plum, surprise, surprise, blame conditions on the base instead. In Plum's words quote, it wasn't uncommon for that to happen. Wasn't it? For everything to work with, fuck up. Every guy that worked in those silos,

this is the voice I imagine him having. Every guy that worked in those silos, I know dropped a wrench or a tool at some point in his career. Every guy, and if they tell you they didn't, they're lying because there was no way to get around that. It just happened. That one went the wrong way. So down, and he just got fucked on gravity.

But did those clumsy carpenters also universally then not tell anybody that they'd punctured tanks full of rocket field, because I think he's missing the point of the error. So after Damascus employees were required to tie tools to themselves while working and plum and Powell worked, they solved this with string. Yep, I got a minute, they solved this problem with string. They had a higher string budget.

First, wait. And of course, plum and powel were discharged, but not, you know, from a cannon. So not a half-ending is my point. We did not fire these men from a cannon. All right, Eli, if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? Uh, an unseen benefit of disarming our nuclear arsenal is that the bottom 10% of your high school class will no longer be in charge of its safety and maintenance.

God. All right. Eli, give me a favor, buddy. Uh, check your notes. Did Noah tell you that you're ready for the quiz now? Uh, okay. Uh, stop directly committing libel when we go to England label your yogurt in the fridge.

You were supposed to read that one a while ago. Okay. Yeah. No, I won't trick Cecil into wearing friendship bracelets. Yes, I am ready for the quit. I am ready for the quit. Yes, I checked. All right, Eli, which of the following this whole thing was a false flag operation?

Brett Kavanaugh is a great man and I would like to see the rest of my time to Lindsey Graham so he can reenact the angry warden scene from Cool Handler. Ever. Never. Never. Never. That's your Lindsey Graham, you sound like that. Yeah.

Big fan. Big fan of the song. All right, like every mechanic shop that a tiny, terrible, greasy fucking radio with one working speaker playing in the background when this incident happened. What was the song that was on A, drop it like it's hot. B, you light up my life, C, oops, I did it again.

D, we didn't start the fire. Well, this is plum and power talking about. So I'm going to go with secret answer. E oops, I didn't do it. Something happened. Okay, I did. You're correct. Yeah. All right. So obviously these kids were to blame for this terrible accident. We should totally trust teenagers to work with delicate and potentially world ending equipment. What other jobs should we entrust to teenagers? A, P2 delivery driver, B, level four, biosafety, containment, suit quality control.

C, nuclear missile repair technician. D, why the fuck is C real? Why is that? I'm leaning towards D, but I'm actually going to go with A, because people outside of Arkansas could be affected by cold pizza. You need a teenager. No, that's true. All right, that's fair.

It's true. All right, so a final question for you, Eli, how do I know you didn't really read the Wikipedia article about this event? Hardful. A, it directly contradicts at least one of the facts you presented in the essay. B, there's no way you encountered the word hypergolic and then kept reading. C, the article points out to the explosion was likely caused by an arc from an exhaust

fan that the response team was sent back into the silo to turn on by their superiors. And that was way too juicy for you not to have mentioned or D because of the way you spelled Arkansas through your. Um, E none of the above because I did read the article a lot or I had it. Okay, I had it in a tab behind the poor. I'm watching a lot. And yet so much reading it. Oh, man. The community was like, did you write this?

And I was like, no, nah, nah, mean. What? Well, that's nah, nah, me. What? Well, that's obviously wrong. No wins. Sure. I don't know. All right, I'm gonna go with somebody a little more meticulous next time. I think next week's essay, it should be Heath. Woo, nice.

Find it about what Heath's jerking off to next week. Okay, well, yes, you my god, yes he will. Yes he will. It's exciting. I'm not even gonna say what it is, but it's something. It's something. Alright, well for Noah, Eli, Heath, and Cecil, I'm Tom, thanking you for hanging out with us today.

We'll be back next week and by then Heath will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can listen to Cecil and I over a cognitive dissonance, and if you have a part-time job's worth of free time, check out Heath, Noah, and Eli over this game, the 8th-East Skeptocrat, and God-Awful Movies. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com, slash citation pod, or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com.

And remember, you break it, you bought it, applies to prostitutes too. The more you know, I won't hurt. you