Citation Needed - Aleister Crowley

Episode Date: July 17, 2019

Aleister Crowley (/ˈæleɪstər ˈkroʊli/; born Edward Alexander Crowley; 12 October 1875 – 1 December 1947) was an English occultist, ceremonial magician, poet, painter, novelist, and mountaineer. He founded the religion of Thelema, identifying himself as the prophet entrusted with guiding humanity into the Æon of Horus in the early 20th century. A prolific writer, he published widely over the course of his life.   Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

I don't even understand. I thought we said he couldn't call meetings anymore. It was less calling a meeting and more like clear and present danger. That does make more sense. But I do like the curtain though. That's nice. Okay. Guys, guys, are you watching?

I have a great idea to get more patrons. Are you all watching? Come out from the back and tell us. No, it'll ruin the big reveal. All right. So, you know how this week is Alistair Crowley, right? Yeah. So, I think we should set our next few Patreon goals, and the first level is you get to join my sex cult.

Literally nobody is going to do that. This is a terrible idea. Yeah, yeah, no, that would lose us patrons. Okay, pin, pin in that first one. I'll need a idea. Yeah, no, that would lose us patrons. Okay, pin pin in that first one. No, I'll need a pin next level. Okay, the pin right back out. Is that I will spy on you. No one's gonna do that, either, Eli.

So like a demonstrably bad thing. Just even hypothetically, don't, we should even discuss it. The third, the third and last level is that I will spy on you in this demon outfit. Ta-da! Oh! I can see more than I need to see. What is it even supposed to be?

What are you doing? It's I'm a sexy demon. It's my sexy demon. That is so many sizes too small. She said that. I think you're losing circulation. Depart's your body right there. Lots.

Like you could see it. Parts. That's intentional. Okay, purple. Counter-proposal. I do. Not what that means. What if we switch it around? Donate or will have Eli spy on you in this gross outfit?

I mean, I think I look cute. I don't know if we took a vote. I crunch the numbers and it looks like you could double our Patreon if we did that. Jesus. Let me see your chart there. No, no think I look cute. I don't know if we took a bite. I crunch the numbers and it looks like it could double our Patreon if we did that. Jesus. Let me see your chart there. No, no, he's right. Like, I would personally give, I don't know, I would give all my money to stop this.

That's true. Right. He painted it red. So, yeah. No, again, that's a blood flow thing. There's no paint. All right, this is a great plan, Cecil. But what can we do?

You know? Well, okay, all right, I get it. If we don't meet a certain level, I could cook them dinner. I could date them, maybe. Oh my God, this is brilliant. What I could do is maybe I could adopt them and raise them as one of my brood.

Oh, perfect, nobody would want that. I know. What could I do? You. Well, you could, or Cecil, what is Cecil doing? What can I do? You Or Cecil what is Cecil kind of doesn't even have a terrible thing. Well, what about my sword stuff? Nah, that's kind of cool. I like yeah, right like if you see the videos where he's doing that I know he's good at the stuff. What about great? What about jogging though? Oh sure now. It's your thing

You're gonna jog I don't know well, I guess all it's left is if they don't day and day I could Show them the pictures Eli texted my phone. Oh, let me see like this hold on this one Jesus Christ get it away really why yeah that'll that that'll do it How did you even position the camera for that? Carefully, Heath. Carefully. Obviously not that carefully. Does it have an otter box on it? Because I think it needs one with that. That's not life, right? That is not life proof. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where you choose a subject, read a single

article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we are experts. Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Cecil and I'll be high-precing the fuck out of this ritual, but I can't do it without proper help. First up, the guy who can't stop telling us how little he's wearing under these robes and a guy who brought the impossible burger for the blood sacrifice, Tom and Eli.

All right, all right, but to be fair, it's all telling not much show under these robes, but you know, I guess. I'm still gonna show. Come on, Cecil so you're telling me this isn't a great chant he's he's a terrible great chant also joining us tonight the man who won't participate because stars don't have five fucking sides that's stupid and it is snorted all the chalk for the pentagram no one he I guess I tried once those fucking hippies acted like they'd never even heard of a type two Sephyad variable why are you worshiping a star assholes? I really should have ground up the chalk now that I think about

I'm not gonna get that drip. It's like a really serious vert. Anyway, go ahead. Patrons, if we don't sacrifice five pounds of ribeye, a carton of cigarettes, a case of scotch, a case of bourbon, and a small glass of tepid tomato juice to the gods of the show, it's never gonna happen. So thanks for your support. And if you'd like to get us a case of Blanz bourbon or a glass of tomato juice, stick around to the end of the show and find out how. I vote bourbon. And with that, on the way, tell us, Tom, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon or event? We'll be talking about today?

All right today we will be talking about an English occultist ceremonial magician poet painter novelist and Mountain ear Alistair Crowley what I don't I don't mind one of these things is not like the other so hard Briefly had some world records there. I do okay. So Eli you write a few words Are you ready to tell us about this guy? It depends Cecil. Are now ready for the truth. Let me rephrase, you are about to fabricate a story

and embellish the rest. We all can't wait. So who was Alistair Crowley? Well, thank you for asking Cecil, because if boring old Tom or Noah were doing this essay, they'd tell you he was a man with too much money and probably too little sanity. If Heath were doing the essay, it would be about his dick or racism, I don't know. But luckily, I'm doing the essay.

So either he was a high mage warrior poet and profit of thought sent to usher in the a on of Horace or he was an incredibly effective international spy or both. Thank you. Learn one thing today, Cecil. It will be that it can always be both. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I just want to backtrack. Is this not going to be about as dick at all? Oh no! Oh no! Yeah. We can make about whatever we want, Tom. And I, for one, would love to know about how to astraly project a penis. I don't know.

I have to be honest with you. Curious intellectually, but I am. Did you say high-major warrior poet? That's like a terrible multi-class. They have a low-saving thorough. Oh, that's phenomenal. That's phenomenal. Oh, that's great. Oh, that's great. Multi-class they have a low saving throw oh There's not a deep cut if he makes a saving throw All right, but first a word about spies. When we imagine a spy, we tend to picture James Bond or Ethan Hunt. Eli is speaking for one fifth of the podcast.

But history shows us that far off. A lot of us picture them with pants on though, Eli. That's a big difference. Like I'm pants, no taken. But history shows us that far more often, the greatest spy is the clown. Still speaking for that same fifth. Wanna overturn democracy and your biggest rival, Reagan election for a game show host?

Wanna get away with experiments on torture? Buy all the acid in the world and say you're trying to turn people psychic. Clowns make great spies because they're so obvious, which makes them the last person you'd accept. And with all the awesome makeup skills they blend perfectly with any crowd. I'm getting it to tell how big their feet are. Yeah, it's great.

It's not when Gacy was actually a spy. They're trying to spy on someone and they get stuck behind that glass. And it's just pressing the hands. Sneaking around in squeaky shoes. We're free, free, free. Which brings us to Edward Alexander Crowley. Born on the 12th of October 1875 to Edward Crowley and Bella Bishop, little Edward's parents couldn't have been more different. Though they were both evangelical Christians, his father was a kindly man who retired early,

thanks to a family share and a brewing business to preach a gospel based on the love of Jesus. Alistar would later describe him as his, quote, hero and friend, end quote. His mother on the other hand was not a fan of little E. She resented Alistar, even while she was still pregnant with him, and she blamed her morning sickness on her husband's trade in demonic spirits. And nicknamed Alistair, almost from birth, the beast, a nickname he would come to relish.

Hold on, hold on. Trade in demonic spirits. I had no idea you could trade demonic spirits. So they Pokemon makes more sense to me. I'm... You're not interested'm way more interested. Wikipedia mentions that Crowley had a baby sister who died when Crowley was five and that's true.

But that's not the whole story. Well, the baby probably died of sudden infant death syndrome or existing in 1875. Or not existed anymore in 1875. So the story Alistair's mother told and that he carried his entire life was that the night before his sister died as he was being put to bed Five-year-old Alistair's mother asked him what he'd prayed for and he answered her that he prayed that the baby died Story is true or not. Or Alistair made it up or his mother made it up. Alistair's mother blamed him and insisted he be sent off to a Christian boarding school. Yeah.

I mean that's what he prayed for every night but still. That's the happenin' night. It's true fun. This is like Wednesday Adam's origin story. Oh fuck. Or, John Benning. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, solitary confinement and possibly sexually abused for his wild and energetic childlike behavior. That'll carry you of it right away. That's gonna carry you of it. No worries. Well, you won't be as energetic. Beat and solitary if I section, that's just considered a sadist like that. Sad. Yeah, consider. In school, Crowley was told that he was evil and demonic for asking about inconsistencies

he read in the Bible until at the age of 11, at least according to Crowley, he was convinced. After a lifetime of adults telling him he was evil, satanic, and that he had magic powers, he wished revenge on the parenthood symptom here and missed. His father, not his mother, died months later of tongue cancer. You know, prayers go wherever they want. They're like a balloon filled with hydrogen over the nose. They just go, you just release them into the wild. Yeah, that's why you pray for ovarian cancer

in that situation. I think in a head, I think in a head. Just safe. Well, Mr. Kroly blamed himself that's why you pray for ovarian cancer in that situation i think i had i think i had it just a miss or not crowley blamed himself and considered a rare medical condition he developed the gave him foamy white urine as punishment from god that's as really cryptic messages wait what's this foamy urin about the condition is called omarashi luckily for alistair that condition also got him out of school phomiya uh... uh...

uh... luckily for alster that condition also got him out of school he enrolled in two colleges but dropped out quickly alster inherited a third of his father's fortune and was way more interested in you know smoking master baiting and prostitutes from whom he contracted gonorrhea he gets it he doesn't smoke. Thank you.

Exactly. Alster's also super frustrated too because he had this golden shower fetish but all he could piss out was silly strings. So it's good. That's good. Okay, I just want you to watch. Yeah, no, no way this is happening again.

I do not want to see your dick. I was so clear. Okay, this time it's different again. I do not want to see your dick. I was so clear. Okay, this time it's different. Watch, I'll shoot this white foamy stuff for you. And then you'll, yeah, come. That's come. It's not this time. This time I promise it's not.

And I told you I'm not watching you masturbate. I said that too. I hate this school. I hate it so much. But. But. However, college did teach Alistair a love of poetry, a love of chess, and mountain climbing. In 1894, he climbed beachy head before visiting the Alps and joined the Scottish mountaineering

club. The next year he returned to the Bernays Alps, climbing the Eiger, Trift, Jungfrau, Monk, and Wetterhorn. Not gonna lie, I do not know if those are mountains or prostitutes. I, uh, just be happy. Okay. Why not both, right? Is that the,

you could call them whatever you want. That's part of the transaction. That's fine. Okay. We're this name tag. That was actually gonna major in mountain climbing, but the job market is more crowded than the summit of Everest.

Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's true. They're all dead up there. They are. They are. In 1895, at the age of 20, Alistair enrolled in Trinity College.

They do, they do deserve that. Thank you. And don't go there. Don't go there. Yup. Easy as you're not declining a mountain, don't. Don't go to the mountain. Don't go to the Yep, easy way to not die climbing a mountain don't Don't go to the way to die on here comes At Trinity College he majored in English literature even though it wasn't in the colleges

Curriculum I was the president of the chess club and considered a career as a professional chess player, but he decided against it professional chess player, but he decided against it. Right. Yeah, like how me and he decided against going pro in the NFL. We didn't go out for the draft as a lot of podcast potential would have been wasted. Now, in 1896, this is vital. This is where Alster's story splits. So, either he had his first mystical experience when he fucked a dude, like how man he decided to get going pro in the army, right? So Wikipedia doesn't say what the mystical experience was and I actually couldn't find any of the books that were the source of that claim. Just the fucking a dude was the cause or or he got caught fucking a dude

and was inducted into the British secret service how to the book it can always be either way he returned to college where he continued to fuck dudes and ladies though ladies were mostly prostitutes one of whom gave him syphilis he gets it okay i get a major in english quit gets you every time After the syphilis is urine change change color though. It was p-foam green

Interior design deep cuts welcome If I may a quick digression about occult societies you You see, magic isn't real. You write that down. Yeah, yeah. And no matter how hard you believe in magic, at some point, you kind of figure out that it's not real. Yeah. So magic society, everybody, dedicated to, you know.

70% of America's Christians. Yeah, right. So magic societies that are dedicated to, you know, doing magic don't last very long because they can't do magic, it's sort of in the thing. And if they don't promise to do magic, well, they're just religions. Which is why occult societies are actually the perfect cover if you're a spy. Especially in the time of Alistair Crowley.

I mean, you you just set up the House of the Greek word Egyptian word, and if anybody comes snooping around, you hide some submarine plans and jerk off in a circle. It's the perfect cover, is it? Just always keep a come covered cookie snapped in behind your teeth right next to the cyanide capsule. Yeah, Hail Hydra. I feel like this is not the first time Elias overestimated how few questions jerking off in a circle was likely to elicit. Did I get my own cell? I got my own cell, yes.

I have no questions. So in 1897, either he went to Russia because he was bored or because the british government sent him there as a spy now growing wikipedia he came home got sick which got him interested in magic the cool kind with spells not the lane kind with car tricks but more likely he went to russia to spy on these secret societies figured out that magic was a fucking great excuse to jerk off in a circle and be a spy and dedicated his life to it or both again, it can both Hey, wait a minute. Are you guys all spies jerking off in a circle? No square. Sorry. Sorry carry on carry on I just feel like I've been missing out on something nice. I might jerk off. I'm just gonna spin around and I'll report back

I would on something nice that might jerk off. I'm just gonna spin around and I'll report back You have to have a pivot all right. I didn't make it all the time. It was better, but not like a lot better Remember that thing you could get it was like a 90s toy that would spin the paint and it would sit and spin That's I do sir. That is what I meant yep. Yep. So like I don't like like I'm the only one with a sit and spin in his office and then we'll take it off. Okay, fuck all of y'all, okay. So, either way, he's back home and he realizes the, you know, futility of human endeavor, like you do. And he dedicates himself to the occult. He buys some magic books, he publishes some poetry, writes some erotic poems, drops out of school, and, like

you do, joins the hermatic order of the Golden Dawn, which for those of you who are unfamiliar, is a more magic-focused offshoot of the Masons. Actually, wrote an erotic magic trick book called How to Cup the Balls. Now, again, maybe you join. I don't really like it. So, one diagram's over. It's over. It's over before you know it. More book is figure one A.

What the fuck? Like just, it's crazy when you pull the cup out and the balls are really huge. It's crazy. That's the best part. It's a whole new meaning to. It's book is amazing. It gives a whole new meaning to final load.

Now, again, maybe we joined the golden order of the hermetic dawn or whatever it's amazing. Gives a whole new meaning to final load. Now, again, maybe he joined the Golden Order of the Hermetic Dawn or whatever it's called because he wanted to. Maybe he joined because he was still working as a spy for the British government. But either way, he joins this group and starts doing magic full time. And he invites this senior member of the Golden Dawn, Alan Bennett, to move in with him, where

he learned ceremonial magic, the ritual use of drugs, and of course, how to summon demons. Cool. So he learned how to use drugs, how to use drugs, and how to use drugs. She's us. I'm just glad he went full-time. Like, you know, the full-time you're never getting fucking anywhere in the demon game. You think some mascot from the depths of hell

is gonna be the earthly slave of some part-time candle jockey? Exactly. What the hell? No bigger go? Oh, exactly. So it's at this point that he publishes Jezebel and other tragic poems, Tales of Arcass, Songs of the Spirit, Appeal to the American Republic,

and Jephath, which are good. Ah! If you like that was that that that that

that's what sells a soul vester uh... which and those are good if you like those kind of things anyways he came some critical acclaim as well as catching the eye of the head of the head of the Golden Dawn. Samuel, Lidell, McGregor, Mathers. Okay, to be clear, they are not good no matter how much you are in the back end.

Again, one-fifth of the podcast. They're not. No. Now, either under the instruction of the British government or because he wanted to be a more powerful wizard, Crowley quickly rises through the ranks of the Golden Dawn, and as mothers, if he can enter the group's secret super powerful second order. Okay, you're going to get further if you don't just come out and ask, though, maybe like play around the edges of the inner second order a little and learn to read some fucking

body language, alright? It's always safer to ask you this. So the other members of the Golden Dawn, especially ones in the second order, they don't like that. One, because he doesn't even go here, and two, way, way, way, too many of his spells, involve fucking dudes.

Yeah. First you stick your dick in my ass. Yeah. Alistair, can't you just eat the faces off children like a normal wizard? What the kids will focus up on? just shit on my chest, Samuel? This is serious! Take a goddamn Adderall, fuck!

Pay attention. Uh, fun side note, uh, one member who particularly and publicly opposed Crowley's rise was poet and author W.B. Yeats. Who's- who's criticism true story? Alistair explained away by saying that Yeats was jealous of his poet. Yes, he did. That's our male thing. He said that was auto-biochro.

Either way, Crowley goes over their head and gets granted an even higher rank than he had asked for by Mathers himself. Who is the head of the thing, right? Because this is all bullshit to begin with he just got that rank by conferring it upon himself yeah yeah there's no so this causes a big twitter fight between all the

magicians with the k which ends in a court case where a judge who i assume had to have his eyes medically unrolled from the back of the school legally ruled that no, Crowley and Mathers could not eject the London Order of the Golden Dawn from the so-called Vault of Adepts, because they paid their rent on top. Mr. Crowley, you keep yelling, expel the armistice waving your hands and take my gavill with telekinesis that's my decision counts whether or not i hit the gavill actually that that's not

that doesn't matter and you're not called a magician that's not i should point out to be fair that biographers who think this whole thing was under the instruction of the british government claim that this was under the instruction of the British government claim that this was just a week in the political strength of Mathers who was a known supporter of the Spanish royalist movement. Shortly after this, Mathers either figures out that Crowley is a spy or just blames him for he and his friends being all mad at each other. Either way, he and Crowley begin a magic battle that will last the rest of their lives.

Oh my god, I would literally pay anything. See, that's just... It's too pay-poken. Idiots furrowing their brows at each other while like... Just like nothing happens. This would be like watching Sea Spam with pointy hats. Yes. Literally.

What happens? It's actually... I got to go off subject for this Tom Have you ever seen the video of that guy in India trying to kill the skeptic? Oh my god, that's the best thing in the whole world Okay, the only better thing than that is the guy who uses magic martial arts to fight a like a the mix MMA And the mixed martial artists uses mixed instead of magic

Yes, and the mixed martial artist uses mixed instead of magic punches the guy's face right off his body In the face fucking older There's just like this works on everyone out so And then they're like punching again in the mixed martial arts guy is like no, he's 70 And he's gonna die from that one. It's gonna feel like I made my point. It's like I didn't have to use some fucking sophisticated spin kick. I just walked up and slugged him.

Actually, you know what, let's make this data set bigger. I like that idea. That's my data. Yeah, for those interested by the way, this magic battle consisted of every time something bad happened to them for the rest of their lives, they would write the other guy a letter and say, Good job! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH of my receipt from CVS. It's like the same passive aggressive thing. Yeah, I'm rich, they give a shit either.

Alright, so would that cult purposefully or accidentally splintered, Alistair begins to travel all over the world doing spy stuff, magic stuff, or both, because it can always be both. He's in Mexico for a little while where he studies the Inakian invocations or looks for oil for the British government, depending on who you believe. He goes to San Francisco, Hawaii, Japan, Hong Kong, all the while doing magic stuff for spy stuff until he finally heads to Cairo on his honeymoon.

Okay, so we have a guy that shoots bubble bath out of his dick, trying to push sexual and metaphysical boundaries in the early 20th century. The story is way more interesting than I gave it credit for, probably because Eli is lying. So Robert Jack is work. Let's take a break for a little apropos of nothing. I think he might not be lying.

He's mostly lying. Good evening, Third. You wanted to see me? Agent Crowley, please set it down. Thank you, Third. You remember Mandelbrot from the interior? I do, Third. And of course, his secretary Kyle from America. Hello.

Chiriyo must say Crowley, your work in the Maldives was extraordinary. An entire wing of the Communist Party brought down a month. How did you do it, man? Well, I conducted a plan to induct them into the higher order of horrors upon the full list of moon that promise them entry into the inner thank them and then i put their penithet in my body all genius absolute

but jove man you've done it again i'll wait just real quick sorry um how did that bring down a wing of the communist party crowley our agents work for weeks with the commissar, Torcha, Brides, who wouldn't crack. You walked out of his cell with his entire list of agents in an afternoon. How did you do it, man?

How? Ah, that one was a trick. Upon the thrimming eve of that one, Nelia, I approached God at the ancient Egyptian Thakrophigo. Then, with the allure of the enlottment, I threatened to put his penis in my body. That one, Alia. I approached God at the ancient Egyptian Thakrfico. Then with the allure of an allotment, I threatened to put his penis in my body. I could barely keep track of all the names he named. He's a legend indeed.

No, no, no. Guys, all his plans are dressing like something silly and then having gay sex. He's like, that's not a plan. That's just literally what he wants to do anyways. That's not obvious. I'm sorry. Kyle? Well, that yeah, yeah, it's Kyle. Copy that, Kyle. Come here. Okay. What? Little Krotha, come here. Right there. Excellent.

I'll put your penis in my body. I mean, yeah, great spying, Alistair. You're the best. You're the best of the best. I thought so. He's... Before we took a break, Eli was telling us about a super magic spy, Alistar Crowley. He got married and went to Egypt to celebrate what happened next. Right, so it's 1904. Crowley and his wife claim to be a prince and princess like you do, and they set their place up like an ancient Egyptian temple so that Crowley could study Islamic mysticism.

What? And Arabic. Or, be a spy. Yeah, you don't need an Egyptian temple. How is that helpful? Just like the evil bad guy spies are walking past his place. They're like, hey, let me ask you something, spy partner. Does that house look like it might have a British spy

in it that we're trying to get? Which one? The white one on the corner there? No, no, no, no. Do you see right next to that one, there's the stone pyramid that says in big painting, it says unmarked pyramid on the corner there? No, no, no, no. Do you see right next to that one, there's the stone pyramid that says, like in big painting, it says unmarked pyramid on the side? I see that.

No, that's probably just a Muslim warlock. Right. No, cool. No, you're right. You're right. Sorry, dumb question. So, I don't know. You want to call a day and get into a circle journey?

Get into the circle journey! Yeah! Yeah! Excellent. I'm already there. You're gonna call it day and get into a circle journey. Get into the circle journey! Yeah! Yeah! Okay. Excellent. I'm already there. Now, at this point, Rose, his wife, starts having visions of the God Horace,

because, you know, she's one of those girlfriends. And eventually, Crowley ends up taking some Mormon-esque dictation from Horace, of the one and only book of laws. Now, I should say that the book of laws is what Crowley's kind of most famous for, and it's really mostly just boring as shit. Suffice it to say like three ancient gods

narrate some incredibly complex and yet unsolved mathematical puzzles all in order to beckon a new age with the motto, do what that will to be the whole of law. It's your classic stuff. Okay, and people say Trump doesn't read that sounds Say what you will about the book of the law man, but more men ask I like that thing is shorter than a fucking citation needed script Side note that phrase otherwise known as the Thelma the do it that will thing it's actually largely misunderstood to mean sort of like

Do whatever you want, but feel so it's mean It's a little bit more interesting see what Crowley or Horace if that's your bag actually claims in the book Is the wheel is the only perfect thing in existence? So do what that will mean less sort of go ahead and eat those snowballs and more Follow your dreams. Actually, do what that will mean score a hundred points in an NBA game. That's what we're doing. Fuck a hundred women in an NBA game.

I mean, anyway, you cut this, Eli. This seems to be about as deep and philosophically complex as a faux rustic wood motivational placard in an island hobby. What the fuck? Fair. Yeah. And what's the market outcome for following your dreams of pillage, plunder, and rape?

What would that outcome be? 2019? Yeah. Let me get another philosophy. So he climbs some more mountains. He travels some more. Eventually he heads to China, either under the instruction of the British government to modern the opium trade that was funding British spies, or

to smoke a bunch of opium, or both because he definitely smokes a bunch of opium. Either way, he smokes a lot of hash and a lot of opium, so much that he actually goes home and writes a book that might as well be called GI Love Drugs. It's called fucking, what is it? Diary of a drug fiend? Yep, it's just, yeah, drugs are great. You also writes three more books in the book of law series, but much like Lies of Locke Lamora, they don't live up to the first books conceit in the same way.

That last thing I said was a fantasy reference, by the way. I know that everything you've said tonight has been a fantasy reference by the way I know that everything you said tonight has been a fantasy reference now for as many gods as kroly was chatting with on a regular basis none of them paid very well so at this point he's pretty broke luckily for alistair along comes the url of tankerville who hires him to protect him from witches. Oh, she's a tinkerbell or whatever, just needed everyone to believe. And then he would be. Oh, come on.

Now, the Earl of Tinkerville or early tanks, as I like to call him, was not actually under attack by witches, believe it or not. But he was doing a tremendous amount of cocaine. So, that's a big thing. Yeah, I'm. Same results anyway. So, Alistair walks around his house, does a little hand waving, burns some sage, and then takes him to France where he can't do cocaine, and he gets much better. That is not true about France.

You have all kinds of misconceptions about France. He couldn't do cocaine there. I don't know, you can do cocaine, but he particularly particularly early tanks couldn't find a source. Either way, people hear about this, and then all the sudden he's got paying students who want to learn to protect themselves from magic or how to hurt people with magic, which again, the house there is happy to do. Both sides of the market market, I love it.

Yeah. He even starts his own cult a three dots a three dots Argentium Astrum actually our silver star. Oh, I thought it was just like a two three No, it's not an ellipse just other triangular dot exactly what you're talking about You're looking up. It's pretty great. He claimed, anyways, he claims that his cult,

Adjustum Silverstar 3-Dots, is the successor to the hermetic order of the Golden Dawn. But it's not all sunshine and coked up girls for Crowley. His wife, Rose, becomes a pretty serious alcoholic, he gets it, and his daughter dies at Typhoon. Crowley divorces his wife based on his own adultery and he was Crowley is doing some super fun blood magic to summon the demon Chorza Dard's arm. He magic his magic nemesis meathers sues him for copyright infringement. Oh Jesus Christ. I don't know

that I just did any of that. I fucking love this guy if ever I wake up But I feel badly about my own life. I get us throw a fucking dart at the timeline of this asshole And I will never stop grinning again. Yep, absolutely See the lawsuit was because Crowley's called a three dots a three dots puts out a magazine called equinets Yes, so that's where the gym comes from. And Mathers sues him for revealing order of the gun. No, it's not. Order of the Golden Dawn secrets. But luckily a judge who I assume, you know, rolled his eyes back to the front of the head through some kind of gravity-based suspension chair. He says, no, Astrid instil your magic, so he's in the clear. Poor British judge had to write, no, you can't have a proprietary means of summoning the demon Corunzorn

That was like notarized Distric circuit or so. That was his day. Judges have weird jobs. We don't talk about it in day judges have weird jobs we don't talk about it about it but guilt of your note the story gets picked up in the press which portrays crowley as a satanic magician who practiced human sacrifice a narrative that he won thousand percent plays into

he writes some more books gets a new profit is girlfriend adds a k to the end of magic So people will stop asking him to find their card. It goes pretty well Hey, they say you're killing people Wait, who says that? Actually, let me check. Let's see it's mostly it's mostly you saying that it's all right. Yeah. I'm gonna lean into it I'm gonna lean into it. Yeah. Right.

So from there, he's made the quote, X-Degree Supreme Rex and sovereign grand master general of Ireland, Iona, and all the Britons, as well as the head of a couple other cults. And he travels all around those cults, teaching them sex magic. Not that they weren't already doing sex magic, but he showed them how to fuck each other in the ass as sex magic and it blows the occult world's minds.

Right, so from there, depending on who you believe, he goes back to Russia, either as a British spy again to report on revolutionary elements or to get spanked by Russia 19 year old for more sex magic. Or both. both again it is always both in this story because he definitely gets spanked by the teenager being a spy harder than you think. Let's just start this sound like a presidential origin story. It's close. So in 1914 he goes to New York where seemingly out of nowhere he just very publicly declares that he hates Britain and he's on Germany's side in the First World War. So he says this so much, they actually get hired by a German spy and the editor of the

pro-German publication The Fatherland, which was dedicated to Keith in the US neutral in the conflict of World War I. At the time, a lot of people were super confused by this change of heart except, and this is the only like confirmed event of him spying that we have, he was actually acting as a double agent for the British intelligence agency. I mean, to make the pro-German movement look bad. And when you're the X-Degree Supreme Rex

and sovereign grandmaster general of Ireland, Iona, and all the br- You're saying that, right? That's actually pretty easy to do. Business card is two feet long. So both the fatherland and its related publication, the international go out of business. Many have also speculated that it was Crowley who convinced the Germans to attack the Lufthansa,

telling them that it would scare the Americans out of the war once and for all and maybe just the king of bad ideas having marital problems grabber sisters as she'll love it leave it to the british to find that guy in society and weaponize it because am i understanding this right his endorsement was so toxic that he was paid to endorse the germ by the British to discredit them for by lending them his support. That's a weird sale pitch. Okay, you're fucking useless, right?

So we're gonna need, alright. Yeah, uh, spoiler, Alistair Crowley goes by the name Joe Biden today. He'd be younger. He's probably more progressive on the busing than I do. You can go to school whenever you want. You fuck dudes, you're way more progressive. Go to school where thou wilt. Yeah.

Wanna watch me freak out, Tulsi Gabbard? Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, Oh, your hair smells like war. I'm freaking it. That lady's way too into killing. I'm gonna kill and drink some cat blood later in this essay, but she freaks me the fuck out. I'm staying right now. So, in 1920, he moves to Italy, where he found the Abbey of Thelma. And at first, everything is great at the Abbey. Everyone's fucking each other and worshipping raw he writes books and gets addicted to heroin it's awesome but by this point the tabloids and they're not so in love

with crowley anymore and when the unhappy wife of a cult member told them about all the but fucking and cat blood drinking and self-mutilation they were doing Benito Mussolini deported him needless to say many have speculated that Crowley was actually working for the British government while in Italy monitoring the fascists supporting the rebels but he might also have just been fucking people doing heroin drinking cat blood or both it can always be both because he definitely did the second. How depraved you have to be that the italians are

like all right enough uh... we run a clean fascist dictatorship here you can't let the italians a bad name this way i believe the cat blood and the mnemutilation shit like mousselini would not get out for heroin and gay sex. Yes. That's a Bunga Bunga party right there. So in 1930, he moves to Berlin for a while, where in the greatest publicity stunt ever, he fakes his own death only to reappear at his memorial art show opening. Thank you. Yeah, thanks.

That shit. Yeah. He does. Yeah, yeah. Thanks, he does shit. Yeah. He also takes a young communist named Gerald Hamilton under his wing either because British intelligence wanted him to monitor the communist movement within Britain or because they weren't fucking each other or both because it was definitely the second one. It was. Yeah. And British intelligence was like, hey, tell Germany to consider the role of the

Jewish population a little bit. That'll keep America out of their business for a while. Stay away. Now when World War II breaks out, Crowley wrote to British intelligence, we have this letter to offer his services again, but they turned him down. I mean, he was too famous, too sick, and a little too suspicious to too many people at this point. On December 1, 1947, he died. And despite his hundreds of students and thousands of acolytes, only about a dozen people

attended his funeral. And his ashes were buried in Hampton, New Jersey. Oh my god. What? No great man was ever buried in Jersey. Hey, Lavia, to summarize what you learned in one sentence? What would it be? Spire no spy, Alistair Crowley. Fucked. Are you ready for the quiz? Oh, I guess. All right, Eli, which of the following is the best slogan for Alistair Crowley's

buttex themed spy agency? Is it, A, wiretap that ass. Be missionary impossible. See, for your brown eyes only. That's so good. Or D, misatomized matters. Ah! Oh, I gotta give it to D.

You got mosaad, you got size matters, you got sod on this a lot. There's so much in a lot there's so much yeah going out in there layers on layers layers is correct haha haha All right Eli Aleister Crowley remains in an igmo but his spirit cookbook is a best seller what are some of his best recipes uh... a his jizzy corn muffins. B, his lemon pepper grilled octopus, C, or C, his gold fingerling potatoes.

That's a good thing. Oh, pretty good. Gotta give it to C, you got the fingerling, gold finger, there's spines, again, I'm going with layers, going with layers. Layers, layers, layers. All right, Eli, what adorable nickname

in Golden Show Are Circles is for infected phomey piss play? Oh, come on. I don't need multiple choice. I know this one. I'd like to do this in SAE Live. That's just called an Eli. A, the fizzy wizzy. B, bubble P, C, lather jacket or D.

Eurethra Stanklin. Gotta go with bubble tea because you love the chunks, right? You get the thick straw. They're hard to get out. They get the, you know, it's like a kidney stone you're shooting out of there. You gotta shake them. A durable thing with the straw. Afterwards you can use the large straw which has a large circumference for a

gerbil i feel like i was not all right elay i got a tough one for you here Richard Geard which of the following is a real claim made by aelister crowley that he apparently expected his readers to believe a he once got away with murdering a homeless person by casting an invisibility spell as he fled the scene of the crime wait aren't people invisible to start with yeah their murderers not generally be he and that he's the guy who invented the two-fingered v for victory

he c he has such great mental acuity. He can win multiple chess games against experienced players while blindfolded by calling out the moves into another room. Wow, fucking. Dates only hated him because he was

jealous of his poetry. Or E, all of the above in this question could have gone on to end just off the top of my fucking hat. Oh, it's E and its magnificence so much was cut from this as we could do it. I know. I know what I heard your topic. I was like, this could be three years. Well, yeah, we could do a patron only short, just of lies. Alistar Crowley told people. Yeah, yeah, right. 1906 to 1908.

We do another essay about lies Eli told about Alistar Crowley. I thought this is the same one. Yes, he would. He would have. No, Eli, I'm sorry you were wrong because it's demanded by the format of this. Garthau Noah Noah you have won. I won. So I would like the next week's essay as to be Heath because I like it with these sweats.

Okay. All right. Well for Eli, Tom, Noah and Heath, I'm Cecil. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then Heath will be an expert on something else. Between now and then you can listen to Eli and show, a list of problems with my digestive system. And you can also tune into Heath and Tom's new podcast that never stopped us from anal.

And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation. Patreon.com slash citation pod. Or leave us a five-star view anywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect to the Sun, Social Media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com.

Oh, right then, just sign here, and here, and here, well, Mr. Hitler, it's done, we accept your surrender. Votable you want. Just get him away from me, away from me, get to you guys. Are you guys serious right now? Kyle Matthews, speak to you. serious right now? Kyle math peak to you You know what? Uh, it's fine. It's fine. Jesus. Right