Citation Needed - Alien Abductions

Episode Date: January 13, 2021

Alien abduction, sometimes also called abduction phenomenon, alien abduction syndrome or UFO abduction, is a personally held belief in which the alleged "abductee" describes "subjectively real experiences" of being secretly kidnapped by non-human entities (aliens) and subjected to physical and psychological experimentation.[1] Most scientists and mental health professionals explain these experiences by factors such as suggestibility (e.g. false memory syndrome), sleep paralysis, deception, and psychopathology.[2] Skeptic Robert Sheaffer sees similarity between the aliens depicted in science fiction films, in particular Invaders From Mars (1953), and some of those reported to have actually abducted people.[3] People claiming to have been abducted are usually called "abductees"[4] or "experiencers". --- Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

And then Tom would be like we know like the box bunch and he just smash it dude dude It doesn't count as dropping the bit if you're still pitching it every week every week with you every week Jesus Wack light much oh Hey, hey Cecil Yeah Hey, hey Cecil. Hey you live. What are you guys doing here? Yeah, well, I don't know, you guys ever look at a watch? It's citation needed record tonight? Oh, who do was that tonight? Wait a second, Cecil, I see what's going on here. You, uh, you do? Yeah. This week's episode is about alien abduction, so noaheath and tom got here early and set up

this scene where Noah's probing them to get into the spirit. Oh, I guess. Okay, sure. Yeah. Yep, yep. That is exciting. Yeah, that's right. And while the first, yep, yep, yep, I gotta say, I do have to say guys, I am impressed with

the medical table, the ominous music Really kind of went all out for this we went all out for the show totally out because of the show show And there's just like just one part. I don't understand But what what part is that why do you have a giant poster of Idris Elba on the wall? Don't touch it. That is because Idris Alba was in... He's in Cipic Rim.

I like that one. Cipic Rim. You're right. Don't touch the poster. Aliens. Okay, that makes sense. Alright, well get cleaned up and let's do the show. I'm gonna hit the bathroom. Oh, we can go together.

I don't wanna do that though. See this is why I said we needed a shared Google calendar for pro-night. Yeah point taken. That's fair. Well Hello and welcome. Citation needed. Podcast where we choose a subject. We do a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now.

I'm Heath, and premise of these jokes is aliens. Oh, aliens. I'm aliens. This is the problem. So I set it up with aliens, and I'm joined by three hipster wookies whose beards put the fur and firmy paradox. Tom Cecilini-Lock. Yes.

I also know about both the flowbees ducks. So, absolutely. You obviously know nothing about flowbees. I'm an Italian wookie. I'm a daigle, boh. That's so good. That's excellent. Well, we might not be alone in the universe, but my beard makes sure that if we are not, Uh-huh. Ah! Ah! So good. That's excellent.

Well, we might not be alone in the universe, but my beard makes sure that if we are not, those motherfuckers will stay well the fuck away. Perfect. And also joining me. We have a man who puts the rage in Neil Armstrong. If you sit in there somewhere. Noah. Noah's here.

My pair of chin leaves me a odd man out on all the best intro's fine. Oh my gosh. I'm angry. All right, Cecil, what person plays thing concept phenomenon or event? What are we gonna be talking about today? Today, we are gonna be talking about alien abductions. Nice, all right. So what are...

Just start your thing. Hey, for listeners at home, he's apparently being forced to do this week's show at gunpoint. So... If you can hear this and help, that explains the blinking that rapid. Alien abduction is the absolutely ludicrous idea that an alien or many alien races have mastered the nearly impossibly complex obstacles of traveling interstellar space. Nearly. impossibly complex obstacles of traveling interstellar space. Nearly interesting. Nearly, I mean, I'm not saying it's out of the realm, but it's nearly out of the realm.

It's definitely out of the realm for us. Then after traveling many light years to reach us, they pick us up, onesie toozie, give us the grand tour of their bitching starship, introduces to the crew, maybe draw some blood, either watch us fuck or fuck us, and then fly away, ghost us, leaving us on red. Okay, Cecil, but have you watched a documentary

that says aliens are just demons trying to make you less Christian? Because ideas do get dumber, Cecil. They do get dumber. I don't see, so it seems like I could imagine a scenario where this could happen. Sir, we figured out faster than light travel. Good, good.

Solving, of course, for the problem of ever expanding mass is light speed approaches. Yeah, it's hobbit oscillating. And we've solved for time dilation. We got the whole cosmic radiation exposure issue finally licked. Excellent. Yes, and they are never the loss of muscle and bone density

owing to years of zero gravity. Yeah, that one was tough. We got that one down too. Awesome. Awesome. Really amazing work. So, what should we do with it? Wait, what? Yeah, where should we go?

What should we do? We have nearly limitless power. So, oh, so, anal probes, yes. Now. All right, so before I get into the intricate hallucinations these people have had and the lies they've told, we should talk a little bit about the history of alien abduction. The two main cases that are everyone subsequently based their fantasies on happened in the mid

1950s and early 1960s, but there are some abductions that happened prior to these two. Another. I'm sorry, let me put, let me put clothes on. I'm going to do. All right. Good to have set a roll up anymore. That though.

I mean, just, well, the first is from November 27th, 1896. This was the day after Thanksgiving that year. Colonel H.G. Shaw was walking around with his friend, probably trying to get some sweet, black Friday deals at their local general store, when they were harassed by some weird creatures. Quote, three tall slender humanoids whose bodies were covered with a fine downy hair, who tried to kidnap the pair. There isn't any more to this story. So I suspect the kidnapping was thwarted and the balding sauce watches left empty handed. Yeah, lots of new ethnic slurs got invented.

That's the way. Yeah. They were harassing an armbocked arun. She's a scry. Wait, they were harassing an army colonel in a general store. They were obviously trying to start an action movie where he has to karate fight a bunch of aliens

and he blew it. I'm not right. Right, right, right. The next is in 1953. An article entitled, are the flying saucers kidnapping humans was printed in Man to Man magazine? Okay, starting to understand the anal probe origins now.

It's coming down. Right, right. Man to Man magazine gives sci-fi writers Okay, starting to understand the anal probe origins now. It's coming down. Right. Right. Man to man magazine gives sci-fi writers a boring writing prompt quote are an unlucky few of us and perhaps not so few at that being captured with the same ease as we would net butterflies perhaps for zoological specimens perhaps for vivisection or for some other horrible death designed to reveal the our interplanetary invaders, what makes us tick and quote.

Well, first of all, it's super hard to net a butterfly. I feel like man. The weird comparison. But more importantly, who's reading the articles in man to man? That's not man. That would be man. He's men. Honestly, certainly.

Well, they're not allowed. Hey, we know one now. That's not for them. That's same year, the film Invaders From Mars was released by 20th Century Fox. The plot synopsis as follows, a kid sees some lights in the sky during a thunderstorm which evidently isn't lightning. Oh, it's dad goes behind the barn to investigate. Wait a minute. Wait, it was the sky behind the barn? A noticeably different sky?

That'd be a big, my fucking barn. What? Is that sky coming from behind the barn? Holy shit! Did you check the sky behind the barn? Well, Gus, something weird's gonna happen right next to that dumb waiter. Give me a second. I'll come back and tell you.

It comes back acting weird. Then other people start acting weird instead of realizing that they're actually horrified because they found his porn stash of brother sister incess porn. The kid blames aliens, a local astronomer, which is my favorite part of the story, the idea that every town had their own local astronomer in the 50s. It is amazing. He realizes that this is a scout ship for the Martians. People in the story are taken on the ship and implanted with a sort of rather clumsily behind the ear with mind control crystals. Something, something, the army fights the Martians, the movie ends with it was all a prophetic dream.

As we'll see later, this is very close to the story that a lot of people tell when they're abducted, and I'm using scare quotes there, so no one doesn't correct me when they're abducted, minus the army fighting, but with all the dreaming. Well, which is bullshit, you're making stuff up anyway, giving me a goddamn action beat, right? There's no less credible than where you are now. At a fucking pew, pew, pew. How someone put a laser sword in there, damn. So now we get to the two cases that are basically the blueprint for alien abduction stories that come after. The first is the story of a farmer in the southern part of Brazil. It takes place in 1957,

this farmer, Antonio V. S. Boas, I don't know if I'm saying that correctly, is out one night while in the fields. Brilliant. Exactly. He's out there after dark because it's too hot during the day to do it. So while he's out there, he sees what he describes as a red star in the sky. The star that is clearly not a star starts getting closer. And when it comes to the view, he basically describes a flying saucer

with a red blinking Coppola. And then it has three legs that pop out as it lands, and then he just fucking books. Okay. Flying saucer from another planet. I will run if they land. They could just be doing a Christmas lights. Look, you loot tour. I don't want to freak out. I don't necessarily. He at first tries to flee using his tractor, so the high speed is safe. That's a lot of truck. On the back of the plowing tractor.

Only lasts a few moments, the lights flicker and the end to the engine. Oh, it's just weeping with laughter. We can't hear it. Almost the speed of light, man. OK, yeah, get on your tractor. Markler, get out and walk next to him. Just get out of the tractor. Yeah, OK. You know what? Actually, this out and walk next to him. Just get out of your way next to him.

Yeah, okay. You know what? Actually, this is perfect. Stay to the right of him and he'll make circles with that. I'm gonna do that. He's whipping his oxen furiously. Just go. Go.

So he jumps off and continues to take flight on foot after the engine dies on the tractor. He is however grabbed by a five-foot tall humanoid with a jaunty helmet and a onesie. So they always invent intergalactic ships, but never shirts and pants. No, I don't know. It had, so the alien has tiny blue eyes and it spoke to him in a series of barks and yelps as he described it. After a few other five foot tall barking beheaded aliens join in subduim, then they carry him under their groovy space.

Once aboard, they can't keep their hands off this hot, resilient farmer. So they start undressing him. Then they cover him with what he described as a strange gel. Oh, a strange gel. What a full body gel would have been more of a black. He described as a strange gel. Oh, a strange gel. What a full body gel would have been normal to him there. So a very, very personal question. He's brought into a large room on space craft. And don't go to skate right past him. I mean, he is Brazilian.

He they just lay him on one of those big strips and then Paul's. That's a big girl. He's brought into a large room on the spacecraft and there's weird symbols in red all over that he somehow memorized all of them. They decide to take out some blood. But not from the arm. Nope. From his chin. Oh, yeah. Chin blood. That's right. The chin blood is the best. That's the best. Then they did what most doctors do after they take your blood. They may

wait in a small room for about another hour. All right, but just so you know, Doc, my poke into your drawers clock is seven fucking minutes. Take a tongue depressor, so 12. While he's in this waiting room, they start to fill it with some kind of noxious gas and Antonio starts to get violently ill. They basically Dutch up in this guy for a while and then they send in the humanoid woman. Now, she is not in a hard hat and a onesie like the other ones. She's buck ass naked. Okay. She has a pointy chin, cat eyes, and it's about as tall as the dudes who violently grabbed him and dragged

him on the ship towards close off and rubbed gel on it. She has long platinum blonde hair, slim build, and her pubic hair and under her hair are bright red. The carpet here does not match the drinks. She had a Brazilian though. They both enjoyed the one. So they bang. See, this is what I love about men. Like you are scared, shitless, you're violently ill, you've been abducted.

Yeah. But there is a willing woman shaped thing. And we're just like, that fucking hit that. This is why there's seven billion of us. This is it. Well, there's a quote. During this act, Boas noted that the female did not kiss him, but instead nipped him on the chin and

quote, after they finished the woman, looks at Boas. That's why. No, we didn't know. After they finished what we looks at Boas, she rubs her tummy and then points to the sky and the universal symbol of, I'm going to raise our space baby on my own. Boas then says he got mad that he was used as a stud for the away to America. The aliens were literally any other human available decided that the best specimen for a space baby was the Brazilian farmer that thought he could outrun an aircraft with his plowing strategy. He lifted the clouds.

Okay, so come on. Here's the thing though, like I get the Brazilian guy, that's a good pick, right? But like, yeah. Why would they pick a ginger alien? That's like, that's a bad, my people are not the root of whatever alien version of my Irish people bad idea for repopulating new race. I feel like these aliens half-assed at the whole way, right? They took one look at kissing. They were like, God, it bite the face. Let's get this come zoo on the road. What am I

saying, Adler? Jesus. Make sure you tips on it. Go fuck that guy. So they give boas his clothes back and they take him on the grand tour of the spaceship. He tries to lift what he referred to as a clock like device from the spaceship. So he could, you know, prove any of this, but they catch him and they make him give it back. And then they walk him off the ship. They do the whole, it's not you. It's me thing.

And then he exits the craft. He gets home and he realizes that four hours have passed. And that's why I showed up at 5 a.m. covered in Joe with a sword dick, honey. That's it. That makes sense now. Four hours. Nothing. The whole thing was 20 minutes that include the ship tour in the vomit time. This guy's full of shit. Four hours. He stuck to the story and eventually contacted the press. His story, however, wasn't not really published widely until after a more, until after a more famous one was sort of captured the imagination of the attention hoars everywhere. Okay, so I believe the Brazilian guy. Yeah. Really? We have intergalactic travel, but we also have a... Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out Well, your highness, on the planet known as Blargon 4, they live semi-aquatically.

We have their population numbers as well as models of their growth and evolution for, say, the next thousand years. Very good, very good. What's next, tell me? Yes, the gaseous beings on XJ57 are learning to communicate through expression of various shapes. We've translated that into a language and planted a stone of interpretation on their main continent. We think it'll feed up their civilization considerably. And what about you, Zornor? What did you find on Earth? Oh, um, us?

We, uh, you know, we should probably go back and do some more searching before we present this. So I'm sorry. Cast beings, huh? That's crazy. No! Zornor, don't be shy. What did you find? Um... Human buttholes stretch about... 4 to 6 inches wide, sometimes more. They're but holes.

Yeah, yeah, some of them have other more stretchy holes, but they all have bell-f-but holes, and they stretch 4 to 6 inches. Zornor, let me get this straight. I said you thousands of light years across time and space for a port back on an intelligent race of beings. The information you gathered was about their butt holes. Yes, you're Highness. Now that is what I'm talking about. You see, this guy is going to find us a new species to fuck, eh?

Awesome job, Zornor. Can't fuck the gaspings at all. And we're back. We left off. T-SOUL was blaming the victim. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was.

I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was.

I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I yeah, yeah, the abduction. And I'm using quotes against a notice and yummy happened on the night of September 19th, 1961, around 1030 pm. They're on their way home from a vacation at Niagara Falls and they see a light in the sky. They first thought it was the light was a shooting star, which is a dumb name for

a meteor. And then the light started to ascend and then they ruled that out. The light appears to be getting closer. So you decide to stop the car, get out, watch it for a bit. They stop at a rest area, get out, watch the sky as they walk their dog. Hey, maybe the aliens use abduction as like a pop quiz for if you're dumb enough to get out of your vehicle and stare at our spaceship, we're going to poke around in your butt a little bit. I'm just crying here. Just, yeah. They took out their binoculars and look closer, describing the craft as odd shape.

Odd is a paired to what? Other more regularly shaped mystery crafts in the sky. I guess, yeah, I don't know. And it had multicolored lights. Betty immediately thought it was a flying saucer, but the more level headed Barney believed that it was an airline flight. But the craft started moving strangely in the sky, turning it out angles and heading towards them.

Okay, if aliens ever learned to make their ships even shaped and turn it, even angles, we're gonna see the ground. We're never gonna see the ground. But even though they jump in the car, and they start to high tail it out of there, they decide to head to a tiny road through the mountains. Oh, the high the basement of alien abduction.

Yeah, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, something. Yeah. So the fly and ships trailing them, probably whistling loudly, slowly not to less suspicious. The craft flies over a restaurant, then over a signal tower, the whole time it's getting closer, it's about 40 feet long, and it's spinning as it flies.

It's zigzagging all over, doing pretty much everyday fly and saucer stuff. One of the guys on there is like, oh, oh, can we stop and get pancakes at the restaurant? No, we can't, we're in the middle of a goddamn up-dark and I want to dance. How about you, Gong, get him. Yeah. The thing at this point lands right in front of them on the road.

And because the way to a man's heart is through stomach, quote, it reminded Barney of a huge pancake. No, that's. Yeah. Barney gets out of the car and he's packing. It's got a pistol on his pocket. He also has binoculars, which he starts looking through to get a closer look at the craft. Well, what the fuck does he need the binoculars for?

It's 40 feet long and it just landed right in front of him. What the fuck, Mr. Mugu? He sees between eight and a he sees a pixel. He has a picture. He has a picture. He has a picture. Honey, happy my hubble telescope. I've got to get our good look at this. He's between eight and 11 humanoid creatures.

That's a weird episode. That's a great. All these creatures are in black outfits with matching black caps. They're basically watching them from the space crest windows. All but one of them make their way to the hatch way that's on the back of the craft, but one of them just locks eyes with them. Power move. Nice. Great. Communicates to them somehow. Stay where you are and keep looking. Things start to extend off in the aircraft, but I'm not sure if there was like a slide whistle effect or a theorem.

It's sound effect. It could have been either one. At this point Barney stops staring at it. And with the, and he stops staring at it with the binoculars, he turns back and he starts to run to the car. He tells his wife frantically that they're not human creatures and that the craft are going to capture. Okay.

So rock paper scissors for fucking the hells. What? I will be throwing paper. Yeah. The craft then moves directly over the vehicle as they peel rubber and make a run for it. Well Barney's driving, he's, he asks his wife Betty to look for it. She rolls down her window and looks up and it's right above the car, but I guess bar enough where the guy driving couldn't tell where it was. I don't know.

What? They're pretty. I bet it. Do you think we lost them? The light speed aircraft from another planet. No, I don't think we lost them in our together. They continue to try to outrun the flying thing and then they start hearing beeps and buzzes. They hear these sounds vibrating off the car and then everything goes hazy. They hear a second series of beeps, buzzes and boops and then they snap out of it.

They travel 35 miles down the road and they don't remember the drive. They don't remember the drive. They just... Well, I'll try it. This part. We wrote the Wikipedia article. Remember the drive. They don't remember the drive. They just, well, I'll try this part. This part, we wrote the Wikipedia article. We wrote the Wikipedia article. Yeah.

A thousand dollars says that 1961 Barney just got blackout drunk and decided to go for a drive. To be honest, I would respect Barney more if none of this story were true. If he just recanted the whole thing I was drinking heavily. When he threw a racist mind, so he doesn't know whether it's 8, 9, 10 or 11. Seven, something else could be 11.

Feels like he was going to say 8 to 10 and somebody was like, it sounds more real if you say 8 to 11. So they get home many hours later near dawn. Wait, many, did they walk the 35 mile? Yeah, right? Many hours. They were in Niagara Falls on a vacation. They were coming home.

Yeah. I'm like, they notice that their watches weren't working anymore. The Barney shoes were scuffed and that they broke their strap on their binoculars. They both take long showers because they think they're contaminated with alien cooties. And here's a great line quote, Barney says he was compelled to examine his genitals in the bathroom, though he found nothing unusual and. Oh, okay, well, that's just standard. Right. Bathroom behavior. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right Yeah, what you're there? I love this part too. They draw out what each of them thought because that's what adults do to room. They draw out pictures.

All right, Betty, I check my penis. Let's get out of the cranes and really figure this thing out. So good. And the girls, it all, it's all so perfect. So Betty, at some point, realizes her dress that she's wearing that night is irreparably torn and covered with pink powder. So she hangs the dress outside and what do you know, the powder floats away in the wind. They also have concentric circles on their trunk that make a directional compass, a whirl like sort of crazy, I guess, and then stop spinning as it's moved away from the trunk. Guys, I put a magnet spiral thing on their trunk. The compass is going to go crazy when they bring up the Trumpist group.

Frank. It's totally worth it, Flannier, but it's all, this is an awesome prank. Bruce Springsteen, fuck. Two days later, they call the Air Force Base and tell them what happened, and then the Air Force Base conduct a detailed interview.

The report determined, quote, that the hills had probably misidentified the planet Jupiter and... That even checks out a UFO book at the library and starts having vivid nightmares. I would tell you about them, but who the fuck cares? Yeah, and that's because Cecil knows the rule that you're not allowed to tell anyone about your dreams unless you're fucking them and we Are an aliens air go bingo But yeah, but let's be super clear here though the Air Force assessment is almost certainly exact what fucking happened

Yeah, they saw a light Ran away from it in their car. They had a high speed chase with jitter. No, no, no, no, they had a high speed chase with Jupiter and Jupiter caught them somehow. Then they get some hypnosis sessions a few years after this happened. Barney says that the aliens came down and basically hypnotized him. Then he and his wife were taken into the flying saucer and told to lie down on an exam table. They put a cup over his genital area

and they took a sperm sample. They said that they got the sperm without orgasm. Okay, that's the dream, but in reverse. That's they've got that. They also stuck something up as ass at that point, but no word on if they, if they, that's how they coax the sperm out. They also touched his back and counted his vertebrae. Okay, boss, they have white dish come. They do enjoy butt stuff and 33 vertebrae. So back to Trophimador. We don't know. We don't know.

The both talks in these creatures in English and the creatures respond in another space language and both Betty and party didn't understand the words. They communicated using telepathy, which was in English. At one point, the hypnotist tells Betty to draw the star map she saw on the ship and she does. It's drawn from memory.

It has 12 stars on it connected by what she called trade routes. Law and order SV universe everybody. Yeah, right? Should be noted here that the dreams that Betty had are different from the hypnosis sessions. The order of events is different and there's some different details. Hypnotists actually thinks that they're both having a fantasy about Betty's dreams.

Well, Hills rejected this idea and totally thought they were abducted. Wait, wait, wait, wait, so the repressed memory hypnotist was like, get the fuck out of here. Yes, he was. Yes, exactly. That guy on the strip hotel, you know, it's not you, it's you. I'm excited. I don't want to dance. That got us. Triple tell you it's not you. It's. I don't want to dance what you. I don't drink you don't don't.

The star map was examined and the pattern seekers that we are we found a place in the infinite cosmos where it looked like it made sense. Where there were 12. Yeah, we just fucking held it up like it made sense. Where there were 12 episodes. We just fucking held it up, spun it around. It looks like the creatures came from Zeta reticuli, which is about 39 light years from Earth. Great. Yeah. Also known as space in our early, we found a place in the entire universe that kind of big sets of crayons. When absurd from unangly, yeah, technically. Barney and Betty's story became a front page story in the Boston traveler and they made

it into a 1975 made for TV movie called The UFO Incident starring James Earl Jones and Estelle Parsons. Yeah, except in that version when the aliens try to put the cum cup on his dick, he'd light saver the fuck out of her machine. And the dark. Oh, so cool. It eventually just folds goes right down over his head. And one of them just hands down.

Second movie, I think it is. Twice, breathing so heavy. What compete estimates that 1700 or so people claim to have been abducted? The demographics of the abductees indicate that a large majority of them are under 40. And given the focus of most of these abductions is reproductive in nature, it's essentially a young person's experience. Some studies have also indicated that a majority of the people who claim to be abducted are prone to mildly paranoid thinking. Let me paraphrase that last one. Some studies indicated that the majority

of people who claim to be abducted are prone to claiming to be abducted. Right. That's it. Pretty much. The abduction narrative that many people have follows a similar pattern and it's broken down in the article on Wikipedia in eight steps. Step one is capture.

The victim is captured. Be that by force or through mind control or they agree to take a joy ride. Either way, it feels like a necessary step. Yeah, just one pro tip, bring a towel. That's for step two. Examination and procedures. In this step, the aliens stick a probe up the victim's ass or suck the sperm out of his balls with their space vagina or a hoover with a groin attachment. Wait, why is it going to be one or the other? Like, I feel like they can do both. I mean, I guess I've never read a story that includes both the chair or whatever you want.

You can dream any of this up because it's all made up. So you can just make any of it up. Yep, that is tied with the other methods. Exactly. By aliens, you're going to have an end trainer. Yeah. They also undergo some kind of testing physical or cognitive and then they will sometimes get samples taken of different human tissue or fluids.

Ooh, that must be embarrassing, right? Like they start jerking off when the aliens walk in and we're like, hey, we're not those aliens. We're here for a liver sample. Yeah, but I was probably exactly as embarrassing as it was when you had to tell a human that. Yeah. Yeah.

So step three is conference. In this step, the abducte is questioned or they have some kind of conversation with the aliens. Very often, this is through mental telepathy or it's in the person's native tongue or both. I'm not trying to tell them how to do their jobs, but that should come before the butt soul. Unless there's a significant amount of drinking at that conference. Yeah, right.

Yeah. Step four is tour. They get a grand tour of the spaceship that sometimes reveals things like star maps or clocks that are just lying around waiting to get stolen. Okay, but in the aliens defense, the fucking weird is it that they can't show us around their spaceships without us trying to pocket shit like a GKZ in front of us. That's true. That's true, man. Man, I don't know, Eli. I would steal from that ship like it was a fucking unattended hotel card like fucking little bottles of space shampoo and

shit. Step five, loss of time. People forget all the nitpicky details, have foggy moments of recollection and partial memories of the experience. How is that a Stanley that pops up the whole crying? No, I know. I know. Should be one, I guess I don't know. It could be start eight or eight. It could be step eight or a left.

Yeah. Yeah. Number six is return. The people are brought back to Earth with torn clothing, some bumps, bruises, and a hell of a story. Step seven is theophany. This is the part where the person has some kind of religious-like experience because of the abduction, which makes a lot of sense because religion is bullshit too. But they have a space stock home syndrome

and sometimes feel oneness with the universe. Number eight is aftermath. They cope with the psychological aftermath of being fake abducted. Okay, well not fun fact. Cecil pretty much exactly just described a hasting. Oh. Oh no.

She's one element that does not occur as often is the aliens will show up with a half breed human alien. Show it to him and gauge the reaction like an inner color version of punk. What? And then the aliens are all disappointed when you can't stop screaming. Yeah.

Oh my god, what? Did I use too many eyes? I used too many eyes again. Didn't know. Greg, you said it looked fine. You said six, it looks the right one. It does look fine. Don't listen to him. It has eight to 11 eyes.

That's the perfect time I've had. Now, of course, there isn't any proof that any of this actually happened. No, no, none whatsoever. No, no. Instead, many think this is sleep paralysis, or they use hypnosis, false memory syndrome. They've never come back with any space baby

or interstellar widget of any kind. There's lots of other problems, namely that none of this makes any sense. An alien species travels all the way here to our planet to fuck some yokel and then puts the dude back like sports fishing. Why not just take him with you or kill him and drain his balls after he's dead. I mean, you flew here from baked zedier, whatever. You can't figure out artificial insemination.

What the fuck? Probably a Trump voter. Cecil, I don't like to give feedback on the air, but of the many problems with alien abduction stories, you've really zeroed in on the cum inconsistent. I have. I'll take it. I'll take that note. Absolutely. I think that's where it all falls apart. I like argue with me here from it. I also know all fall apart here. I feel like it falls apart at the cum too, see. So I don't want to disagree with you. I don't want to put heads over this. The thing is guys, the aliens have already reached Nirvana, so they know you can just come as you are.

Also, all these aliens are basically us with a slightly different color skin. Yeah. More air. The only reason our vision of aliens is bipedal humanoids because humans have a terrible fucking imagination. Most of our monsters, aliens and creatures of myth are basically us with different heads, a little taller, shorter, with a different hue. It's your imagination, you fucking, like, you don't have to fit a dude in the suit, right? Right. Yeah, but if you're not careful, you get contact. No, if you're not careful, you get contact. Lots of people report to having these experiences,

but I'm sure that something happened to them, most likely psychologically, but there's no evidence that something traveled across the stars to give them panic attacks. We can make those without any alien intervention. We don't need help. All right. Well, if you had to summarize what you've learned today in one sentence, what would it be be don't Google Brazilian alien cream pie while eating crembril It's not a strong disagree. Yeah, are you ready for the quiz? I am as ready as an illegal alien anchor, baby Alright Cecil. He's no one. I once sat in their shared living space and listened to a stone friend of ours tell his alien abduction story a stone friend of ours. Tell his alien abduction story. Nice. Which is a real quote from the telly of that story. Okay. Yeah. Hey. Okay. Yes. I was on acid, but this really happened. B, they made me do karate for them naked. Which wasender, which was demonstrated.

Oh, it wasn't. It may be that what's not part of the answer. See, if you guys are going to laugh at me, I'm going to stop talking. Which he did not know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, It's so good. Partoon buckets popcorn. That sounds so good. All right, Cecil, if humans master interstellar travel and can land surreptitiously on another planet, what is the first thing we're going to do with this marvelous fucking achievement?

Hey, take a selfie. Yep. I think that's probably the best. Be take off our space masks masks our dumb and they prevent freedom. Teach alien civilizations the Rick roll. That'd be okay. Yes, yes, or a D declared a mission accomplished before ultimately engaging in an endless bloody

guerrilla war that we will lose. Oh gosh, yeah, I know you didn't put it here Tom, but but it's definitely e all the. That is definitely on the menu. Yes. I'm sure it was going to involve shoving something up the aliens. That's okay. I got a tough one here for you, Cecil. If you want to prevent alien abductions, what should you take? Probiotics Love it be anal Jesus Same same same joke see Thorazie. Yeah We're D a pistomology 101 Good I want to go with pistomology, but I want to go with Pistomology, but I am going to go with Probiotics, because it's just so good.

It's just so good. That is so good. It's so good. Nailed it. I thought I was going to get you with the authority. Yeah, normally, pattern wise, you would get that one wrong. But Cecil, you got to walk through the winter. Amazing.

Noah, you're next. Do something fun. Well, no. All right. Well, for Tom Noah, Cecil and Eli, I'm Heath. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll back next week, and by then Noah will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can hear Tom and Cecil on Cognitive Disnance.

And you can hear Eli knowing myself on God off in movies, The Skating Atheist, Skeptocrat, and D&D Minus. And don't forget to watch Cecil aggressively seduce me with food on season liberal. How are you doing? How are you doing? How are you doing? And if you'd like to timidly seduce me with money, that's all I'm supposed to say.

You can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash psychpatient pod. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, listen to past episodes, connect with us on social media or take a look at the show notes. I got psychpatientpod.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Seriously, you guys, great work!

Six inches, wow! I mean, technically, you could fuck where the gas is hovering, but... ...flike fucking them. Shut up, Markler! Okay. Okay.