Citation Needed - Animal Sexual Behavior

Episode Date: April 27, 2022

Animal sexual behaviour takes many different forms, including within the same species. Common mating or reproductively motivated systems include monogamy, polygyny, polyandry, polygamy and��promiscuity. Other sexual behaviour may be reproductively motivated (e.g. sex apparently due to duress or coercion and situational sexual behaviour) or non-reproductively motivated (e.g. interspecific sexuality, sexual arousal from objects or places, sex with dead animals, homosexual sexual behaviour, and bisexual sexual behaviour). Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

the sexual behavior of animals. Of animals, yeah, no, I know. It's a little broad, but I was thinking about it. Between all the fun facts I know, and all my scorching wittisms on animal costume tree that I always have, this is really a chance for me to turn things around for my reputation.

I don't say no. I don't say no. I don't know, I guess, I feel like I'm always the butt of the joke on our shows, like in a negative way, not even in like a funny positive way, just like a clearly negative way. I want people to take my intellect seriously, like, yeah, I get a fun. I like to mess around with jokes, but maybe what they appreciate about me after this is like, you know, I'm also a knowledgeable and intelligent person.

I just want to, you know, okay. But did you run this past Eli and Tom? Well, no, no, but I figured if you guys get on board, it's all set. You know, if we sort of come into the episode, like, hey, we're going to have fun for sure, but this is like high brow humor and word play and like intellectual stuff. I mean, I think they'll follow along. Maybe three votes doesn't really come. Get in here.

He's getting fucked by a horse t-shirt here. He's getting fucked by a horse. So horse water bottles, one dollar. Just five dollars Heath gets fucked by a horse on a T-shirt. You can see it. No, okay. I did that track. I should've seen that coming. Hey, can I get one of those next to large?

Oh, yeah, me too. Seriously, you two, you guys really? You did a dude five dollars. That's nice. Come on. Yeah, I'll too me too. Seriously you two you guys really? You're gonna do five dollars man come on Yeah, I'll take one choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm No Illusions, I'm going to be the fluffer this week, which means I'm going to need some dicks.

Two men whose physique is best described as engorged, Tom and Eli. Yeah, and gourd, like a tick. Eli will cure your Lyme disease. I'll suck something. Yeah, no. No. Yes.

And also joining us tonight, two men whose physique is best described as flaccid, heath and sea. He spun my whole life through. He spun my whole life through. He spun my whole life through. He spun my whole life through he and see my whole life. That's right. When I get cold enough, I retreat inside myself. Yeah. I'm like an orbors.

And of course, before we get this going, we wanted to take a minute to thank our patrons. Patrons in most jobs. That would have been a very inappropriate way to introduce my co-workers. But thanks to you, I don't have to go to HR right now. If you like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show and with that out of the way, tell us, Heath, what person-placed thing concept

that I'm on or event will be talking about today? We're gonna be talking about the sex organs and reproductive behavior of some especially interesting members of the non-human animal kingdom. Just my personal favorites, we'll do a little review. All right, so I don't wanna do the what are now. So where does our story begin? We're going to start with honey bees. They have what I'd call a matriarchal royalty cast system that's reinforced by eugenics. Actually, it's kind of like England, but more effective.

actually, it's kind of like England, but, but more effective. Bees are racist. That's what Heath just said. Bees are racist. And the UK. So everybody has a predetermined job in the colony based on a genetic engineering process during sexual reproduction. A lot of people know about the queen and the drones and the workers, those are the roles. The workers are all female and they run the whole honey making operation. And they're pretty much all sterile,

thanks to a pheromone released by the queen that shuts down fertility for all the other females. The queen ends up being the mom for entire generations of bees for that colony. And that leaves the drones, which are the males. And they have literally one single job. They all exist just for impregnating the queen. After the queen is born almost immediately, like problematically soon after being born, she goes out on a giant sex romp. She flies to a place called a drone congregation area

where thousands of male bees are just waiting to do their one job. It sounds like a goddamn nightmare at that area. The location of that place is hard wired into the queen somehow. And when she flies by, she picks up a big line of drones and they start chasing her and taking turns fucking in mid air. Oh, trapeze college. I'm sorry. You were saying apparently the getting pregnant happens with tiny little bee penises and be vagina. That's how they do it.

Yeah. I know. I kind of have to have something like that. But like in my head, it wasn't like they were just like vagina. There is bees have that. It doesn't look like yours. It's not like a tallywacker with all of the things in there. You're doing a speech by medicine call thrown on the floor.

I learned today type of thing here. The male bees have penises, the female bees have been trying to, the male bees chased the queen. Did you see kindergarten cotton? I didn't see that. I don't remember the bee, Janet Telliapart. the Milbys chase the queen. Then you see Kinnikart and Cotton. And you know, I did see that. I don't remember the B genitalia part. Anyway, it's the birds and the queen.

They set up like a fly fucking assembly line and one by one, they inject sperm into the queen with their endophalus is what's called. And it looks like, you know, that expanding foam sealant, the, the paceman, it's like an early, it's like that, but somehow an evil version of that expanding foam sealant. Interesting. So they should call this entire thing be cocky. The whole idea. That's fantastic.

Okay. So that's that's when the drone literally dies after they do the endofalus thing, they inject the sperm, they die right after that. According to popular science, once a drone finishes, the tip of his penis explodes. Okay. Fals to the ground and slowly dies. So the tip of the endo fallace remains stuck in the queen until the next drone in that assembly line hops on and that next drone pulls out the old like penis rubble that stuck in there to make room for his. That's how they do. Now, that's what I call sloppy. Right? Or forty thirds or whatever. And fuck bees. They are the single use plastic of the animal kingdom.

I can die at the drop of a fuck. So during this fuck romp, the queen collects about 100 million sperm in her over ducts. And she'll use those for the rest of her life to fertilize eggs, but she'll do that selectively as part of that genetic engineering cast system I was talking about. As her eggs pass through the ovary and into the oviduct, the queen gets to decide one by one

whether a particular egg gets fertilized. The unfertilized eggs become drones and the fertilized ones become workers or potentially a queen. Man, I wish humans could do that. I'm home. Oh, darling, you're back. How are my two favorite people?

Well, one's growing and the other's kicking. Ha, ha, ha, I bet. So have you had any thought as to what we're having yet? Well, you know, my sister had all plumbers. She wants to start a family business. Oh, come on now, honey. No, no, no, no, that's her thing. I was thinking maybe something super smart,

like a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon. A brain surgeon, that's so basic. We might as well hang a live love laugh sign on the wall, darling. Look, I am not making an athlete. You can forget about that. Come on, he doesn't have to go pro, just something you can do through college, like wrestling or lacrosse, and then he can do whatever he wants.

Whatever he would, that's not how this works. You know, I wish you ladies weren't allowed to choose whatever kind of baby you have. I feel utterly powerless. You know what that's it? Just for that, I'm gonna have a podcaster. You would dare. I hope you don't have big plans for the basement

because he's gonna be living there till he's 40. I'm leaving. Okay, or maybe I don't. I don't know. I don't. Yeah. Okay, so we started small with the honey bee. Now we're gonna go fucking huge with the blue whale,

which is the largest creature to ever exist on earth, including all the known dinosaurs. The blue whale penis is about 10 feet long and weighs up to 990 pounds. Jesus. And the blue whale vagina is like, well, it's something big enough to deal with that. That's 99 pounds a lot. It's a lot. In Moby Dick, by the way, the blue whale vagina is like, well, it's something big enough to deal with that. That's 99 pounds of foot. It's a lot. And Moby Dick, by the way, Herman Melville says the skin of a whale penis makes a good floor length apron to keep you clean while you skin the rest of the whale.

What? Yeah. Well, the only problem is you have to hold your upper half of your body at like a 33 degree angle to get full coverage. So, yeah, if you splash it, cold water on it only covers half the area. Yeah. Sorry. Heath, did you find it improper to mention the dimensions of a whale vagina or you couldn't

find the information? Because this is a weird place to be. I can't afford the amount to deal with the thing. It's, I'm not, you're being coy. Okay. So in terms of mating behavior, we don't know very much about the blue whale. I did a bunch of googling and I did not find the explicit videos that I was hoping for. Sadly, the science people, they're really not taking it seriously.

There's not a lot of videos out there. They haven't found it, but they know a little about the mating ritual. So normally blue whales travel alone, but when it's time for mating, they pair up, and the male follows around the female for weeks at a time. And sometimes, a second suitor shows up, and then we get a contest. The female, at that point, swims up to the surface of the water and starts going extra fast, and the two males have to keep up. While they're racing, they do like tail slashing and headbutting and they kind of fight each other. And the theory is that the female gets to decide on a mate based on physical fitness and, you know, like Jack reached your headbutting

skill. And then she takes on, you know, a 10 foot long, 990 pound wheel deck right after that. Once again, I find myself very grateful not to be a blue whale just, hey, I know he's way out in front, but I'm actually very funny. And quite a few, she's gone. They're both gone. I'll improve some perfume. Yeah, so that's how, you know know the whale population still exists because of that. And now that we're on the subject of impressive maritime genitals, let's talk about the dolphin

as well. This is very important. As we learned in a past episode, actually dolphins are sexually advanced creatures that do it for breeding and for fun. They're totally about some hedonisms X sometimes they even do it with human beings who decide to make human dolphin hand jobs. Their life's work is a real thing. Either first time listener, take it to that back catalog. Jack the flip rib. And in terms of their anatomy, the dolphin penis is extremely advanced.

They have a pre-hensal penis. Lucky, pastors. Yeah, right. That means in case you don't know that weird word, that means it can swivel around and grab stuff like kind of like a human hand or a monkey's tail. Or a monkey's tail. Yeah, exactly. It can do a bunch of cool like skillful stuff, except it's also a, you know, a really big

aquatic penis instead of, you know, a monkey tailor, human hand, like huge, but skillful. Yeah. Two gay dolphins can like do a hand job inception. Rehensile dick is just like a dolphin hanging upside down from a tree by its cock. Like, fuck him into this. This is good. Also, fun fact, another animal with a pre-hensal skill penis is the tapir. And apparently they can use it to scratch their own back in, you know, that one spot you

can't usually get with your hands. They can scratch that's my whole back. Okay. So back to the dolphins. The shocking level of penile dexterity and dolphins actually makes a lot of sense evolutionarily considering the way it worked out with the dolphin vagina evolutionarily. Apparently the vagina is a very complex labyrinth in there like all the way. You got to answer riddles.

You got to deal with like David Bow the way, you got to answer riddles. You got to deal with like David Bowie and he's got contact. So in order to navigate all the twists and turns and have a chance at getting sperm to the right place, the dolphin penis had to have all that prehensal skill. So it goes. But like if you're having sex with a dolphin, dealing with David Bowie is the least of your concerns. I think. But here's the thing, lots of male dolphins never even get that far. Apparently, female dolphins are very selective and they're really good at blocking when undesirable potential mates show up. They often just out swim the guy or they do a big tail slap and the guy goes, like, but if that doesn't work, thanks to a genius

female dolphin who first invented this move, they go to the surface of the water and then they swim belly up. So it's impossible to get near the vagina regardless of the prehensilability. It's just the top and I can't get there. And then one day a big brain dolphin just shoots out of the water and lands on her like Jimmy super fly snuggudge. Oh, trappy is college. So she swims under that tree full of monkey tail dick dolphins or whatever. And then bam, it's just a kamikaze gang bang falling out. This was the original plot of Banjo, Kazooie, but they toned it down.

It's true. You got to play the beta. That's a fun fact. So we're all having fun with the maritime penis in the Johnny's situation. So let's keep it going with the barnacle next up. That's the little crustacean that sucks. And it's self-interrocks and the hulls of boats and the bodies of big turtles and whales. They're about half an inch to an inch in diameter.

And they have a penis that's about nine times that long. Yeah, really. And yeah, so impressive, just ratio wise. And apparently, that ratio is because they have sex, kind of like, like imagine a bunch of refrigerator magnets just groping in all directions, hoping for the best to try to fuck each other. Yeah, that's how it works. Barnacles actually have both a penis and a vagina, but for some reason, they almost never fucked themselves, which is crazy to me, but apparently they don't. Instead, they reach out and try to find a mate nearby or far by with their enormous fucking barnacle penis.

It actually extends out like a muscle telescope using a series of folded telescopic rings. Jesus. And then when breeding season is over, it shrinks all the way down and sometimes falls off completely. And then they just regrow a new one for the next mating season. All right. Next up, we have the angler fish. And if you're noticing a pattern of very problematic males

when it comes to sexual behavior, yeah, that's pretty much universal just across all the animal species. And the male angler fish is no exception. Well, at least they didn't give him a Grammy. Yeah. Ah. So the male angler fish is much smaller than the female.

And it finds a way to become part of the female body for some parasite sex. That's their technique. The male hunts down a potential mate and sinks its teeth into the side of her body. And then enzymes in his mouth start melting away her skin and eventually melting away also his mouth. Okay. And they fuse together. It's fucking terrifying.

Once they're fused, the male taps into the circulatory system of the female and she goes and gets all the food for both of them at that point. And he just kind of sits there like half melted and puts sperm just everywhere and hopes for the rest. And sometimes it's not just the one guy. Scientists have observed female angler fish with eight dudes melted inside him at the same time. Jesus. Just all making a huge mess of sperm all over the fucking place. That's pretty much every

season of the bachelor at though. That's right. That's a format for sure. And every guy, a woman's ever financially supported while he gets his master's degree. We get it. All right. Next up, we have sharks. So their sexual experience is apparently a serious task. They often go upside down together with their heads kind of smushed into the ocean floor to help anchor their position that they're going to use. And for extra stability, the male will sometimes bite down on the female's pectoral fin and then insert his clasp burr into her cloaca. The cloaca is the multipurpose inbound slash outbound sex and also shitting and being area. And the clasp burr is, well, it's exactly what it sounds like.

It's a, it's a clasper. And then it opens the area for the, the, you know that jingle. Class, Bonn. Class, Bonn. I'm very old. But, yeah, but, but honestly, though the mental image of a shark trying to turn off a clapper is pretty fucking priceless, time to wait for that. Stupid fins don't reach it. And I like most forms of baby making, the gestation process in certain sharks involves a, well, I call it a fetal cannibalism tournament. So this is common in species that give live birth like the sand tiger shark.

Females can have up to 12 babies in utero at the same time, but apparently only two of those fetuses make it through the tournament alive and actually get born. The female usually mates with multiple males at the same time, so she'll often have as many as a dozen little shark fetuses in there with all different genetics. The super aggressive ones eat the other ones and those aggressive ones emerge victorious. Usually both winners are from the same father. It's so weird that there's a detent there. It's a point they're like the last two in a poker tournament. They're like, all right, deal. We got to deal. We just want to be both not die. Cool.

The worst part is that shark antichoisers have to dive into your uterus, dress as a referee to break a mocks. It's a whole there. All right. Now we're going to segue from seedle land with some amphibian fucking. So it kind of just makes sense in terms of the narrative. In particular, we're going to talk about the alligator. Their mating ritual is, it's pretty standard actually, you know, back rub, it're going to talk about the alligator. Their mating ritual is,

it's pretty standard actually, you know, back rub, it's not rub, bang it out. But unlike most penis havers, the alligator is erect at all times. The penis is layered with stiff collagen, and it's always ready. They keep it inside their cloaca most of the time, and then when the sex is about to happen, the lady alligator presses like a button on the male belly and the permanently erect penis shoots out like a switchblade. And it's just ready to go. I look at it. One of those sets of maybe if it doesn't come out the first time you have to hold the button down for eight seconds for a hard reset. Okay. I feel a little confused because I think I just learned that every 15 year old boy

was once actually an alligator. Maybe. So now that we're back on land, we're going to start simple with the flatworm. They're one of the simplest animals on earth, but their mating ritual sounds like a fun little game. The flatworm, much like the barnacle, has both male and female parts. And again, rather than fuck itself, which again, it's crazy me.

I just wanna repeat that. If you had a vagina, you wouldn't be just going to town all the time on it. It feels like you would. But they don't do that either. They tend to pair off and have a penis fencing duel thing between the two of them. Their penis is shaped like a two-headed dagger,

and they have a knife fight with those until one flatworm gets a stab through the skin of the other and into the body. The one that got stabbed becomes a mother, and the father keeps on having dick fights like that until it eventually loses a dick fight and also becomes a mother. And in rare cases, they actually get a double KO by getting stabs at the same time and they both become a mother father at the same point, which is kind of cool. I've decided that's what should happen in the street fighter video games. I don't think that it should. They do have double KOs. Look, a mother fun. I'm confused. How do they know which one wears sandals with socks and

clicks the barbecue tongs. This is very confusing. So another example that flips the script on our traditional understanding of generals is a microscopic, eyeless cave insect indigenous to Brazil called the neo-trogla. Instead of a male penis that deposits sperm and a female vagina receiving the sperm, they have the opposite going on. The female, Neotrogla, mounts the male and they have a penis with a vacuum function that sucks up the sperm from the male vagina, which acts as a reservoir. And the female penis vacuum varies by subspecies to fit the exact male vagina in their population with a series of bristles, kind

of like the attachments of a vacuum, you know, they get into like the corners and along the baseboards to get all the sperm from everywhere. Well, right. But then you lose one and you end up losing a long thing for everything and it takes forever. That's the problem with that female vacuum penises. All right. Next up, we have another insect with a penile situation that's a little bit unorthodox as well.

The damselfly has a penis that evolved to be more than just a tool for passing on its DNA. It's also used to prevent some other shitty damselfly from passing on his DNA. They have a spiked penis, which is awesome. When sexy times about to happen, the male damselfly doesn't just plow right in like a fucking noob. First, they do a little tidying up, genetically speaking. If there's any sperm from another male that they deem to be subpar, I'm not sure how

they gauge that, but they make a call on that, like they sniff it. I don't know, but they make a call. If it's subpar, it's not up to snuff. They use their squeegee shaped insect penis to scrape the old sperm out to make sure their sperm is the stuff that gets used to fertilize. Apparently, this spite cleaning process, it takes a long time. It's like a really long cleaning thing. So damselflies often travel together in pairs over very long distances while that all happens.

All right. Well, while we all break the news to Heath about felching, we're going to pause for a little apropos of nothing. What's felching? Hey Phil. Larry! Have a seat. Grab a drink. The nectar they have on tap tonight is just amazing.

What's up nerds? Oh, hey Buzz. Yeah, hey Buzz. Hey, what are you losers doing? Try to get lucky. Nope, no. you losers do and try to get lucky? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Couldn't get enough old buzz, you know what I mean? No, man, I actually don't. I feel like I kind of had my fill before you started talking. Ha! Good one, Gary. It's Larry. Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I went home with two of them. Game the old stinger if you know what I mean. Yeah, I don't buzz. We're bees. That's literally not how our sexuality works, man.

Yeah, you said you had 10 female bees on you? Were they workers? Man, I don't know if they workers but they sure could work it you know what I mean huh. Okay I don't know what you mean. Yes did you dick explode buzz? Oh well yeah I'm metaphorically. Your virgin buzz we're all virgins man we die right after sex shut the fuck up. You're a virgin. I just said that. You are. And we're back from the B fucking skit. Okay, if I had a nickel, right? So, uh, he's where, where does the National Geographic penthouse crossover take us next? Excellent question.

That brings us to the slug section of our anime. Oh god, fuck Odyssey. Starting with the banana slug of UC Santa Cruz. When they're selecting a main banana slugs have to make sure they have similar physical size. In particular, the penis and the vagina have to match up really well, or else there's a strong chance of a tragic incident with a slug penis getting stuck in there forever. Now this can be an awkward process, but safety is the bottom line.

So they take it seriously. And on top of that concern, the female banana slug, she has to bite off the penis of her mate at the end of the deed in a process called apofillation. One theory is that it's necessary so they can physically separate. And another theory is that it's a way of guaranteeing the male doesn't go off and start fucking other banana slugs. It seems like it's the first one to me, but apparently there's two theories out there. That's how a lot of dudes on Reddit think human sexuality works too, man. I'm just picturing slug, mori povitch, like black tar, you are the father.

And everyone's like, we know, man, his dick is ripped off, it's ripped off. We got another interesting technique. We see in certain slugs and snails is a biological cupid's arrow weapon leading up to a potential sexual encounter. The male in some of these species will shoot a sharp projectile made of calcium or hardened proteins. Jesus. It doesn't make the female snail like literally fall in love, but it pokes into their skin. It's actually probably the opposite. It's probably like super annoying, but the arrow introduces a chemical that makes the female reproductive system somehow more receptive to the sperm of the assailant. Then they fuck, you know, nice and slow, like regular style, regular slug snail style.

I see that he did not take our notes about the level of sensuality you should describe snail fucking like that. I would do the wrong thing. It was nice and slow. Wait, was your note to like not do that or to do that, to do it more, to describe the sensual? It's not clear. So I feel like just everybody be more clear and, you know, I'll take the notes.

So my other favorite slug in terms of its sexual behavior. Okay. He's I would say he just stop. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Think about the life choices you made that led you to that sentence. Yeah. I just that's my just. Okay. I'm just just roll it around. I said my other favorite. Roll it around. So it's it's sexual. Thanks a time. How many how many do you guys have? I have more two or more. Okay. Favorites. That should be a problem. It's my other favorite. Roll around. It's sexual. Thanks a lot. How many, how many do you guys have? I have more two or more favorites. That should be a problem. It's the leopard slug.

It's my other favorite is the leopard slug, everybody. It's the leopard slug. So this is another species that has both male and female organs, but they find that pairing off and insomiting each other is the best method once again. And in order to get the best angles, like geometric angles, the leopard slug found a way to fuck the other leopard slug while they're both dangling from a branch together in, well, it's a sex swing made of their shared slime. That's literally what it is. God. Yep. That's what happens. They rig up the swing again made of their shared

slime. It's a fuck swing of shared slime. They rigged that up and then they hang down off the branch. And in a surprise twist that I was not expecting, they have enormous electric blue penises like Dr. fucking Manhattan that wrote almost the size of their whole body. And at the end of the session, one of the leopard slugs eats the slime-based fuck swing as a snack after the coitus. I imagine it's a big conflict to decide who gets to eat the fuck swing. But they figured out somehow. Podcast listener, Heath has included a link to the fucking snails in our notes. I did put a link there. Which is why I've included the wordils in our notes. I did put a link there. Did you watch it? Why I've included the word no in our Seriously nobody watch it started, but it's like a it's like a seven minute video I'm not gonna watch seven minutes of fucking slaps fast forward into the best part

Yeah, I only needed the first 90 seconds. I need the middle 90 seconds. I'm a middle 90 guy more in this like 19 minutes long And it's like, okay, 19 minutes. He's the best word. Okay. Next up, we have the marsupials. And they have a multi-phase breeding system that's pretty impressive. Female marsupials, including kangaroos, koalas, apostams, wombats and sugar gliders, which are my fucking favorite. I love sugar gliders to the best. All those have three vaginas and two uterine. The left and right vaginas are dedicated for carrying sperm to the left and right uterus. The marsupial penis is actually too pronged. So it fits just right. And it disseminates both at the same time. You know, it's a numbers game, and they double the odds. It's a smart play.

Meanwhile, the central vagina is the birth canal. From the central uterus, the newborn goes straight to the pouch of the marsupial where it keeps growing. The multiple vaginas and the pouch were likely to have developed in tin. They kind of go together. The very small central vagina required the initial birth to be very small. So for kangaroos, for example, a newborn Joey is the size of a jelly bean when they first go at the patch, which is adorable.

It is adorable. But you know, one thing that really bothers me is that DP is so boring in the marsupial world, just boring. Yeah. vanilla sex. Oh, front page. Also, that double penis guy on Reddit, that turns out he was just a kangaroo was slightly worse than normal Reddit hygiene. So the multiple vaginas and multiple uterine system makes the female marsupial into a baby making superhero in evolutionary terms. They can have two fetuses working at all times. Plus, again, an adorable jelly bean sized kangaroo in the pouch. Plus a little toddler kangaroo just jumping around and, you know, punching people with boxing gloves. It's like having redundant

servers and backup generators, but for breeding. And these amazing moms are always closing a new birth until they don't want to. So they're killing it evolutionarily, but then they can stop if they need to. If there's a drought, for example, certain marsupials are capable of delaying a pregnancy until the conditions are better. And with multiple ovens and with the bun warmer thing, it's like how a restaurant can have stuff partially prepped for the big dinner rush and they can kind of lie down there. It's awesome. Sorry.

Does anyone have a rope? He has lost pretty deep in this restaurant metaphor. I think all that talk of devouring the slug slime fuck hammock made him home. I did, I did stop and have a snack. So another marsupial with an interesting yet tragic reproduction cycle is the anticanus found in Australia, Tasmania and New Guinea in almost every species of anticanus. It's a mouse, everyone. It's a mouse. Don't stop the podcast to Google it. It's a mouse, everyone's a mouse.

Don't stop the podcast to Google it. It's a mouse. It's so much cooler than a mouse because it's from somewhere else. It's from those places. So Australia says many in New Guinea, they're cooler. It's the antichiness and the life of the male is pretty much completely meaningless. But then all of a sudden, they fucked themselves to death in a mating marathon season, and that's their whole life.

This type of suicidal mating behavior, it mostly happens in fish or insect populations, but the anticanus is one of the few mammals that does it. It's likely the result of an environment with major volatility in the food supply from season to season. So the females, they evolved to have a quick burst of mating at the right time so that there's going to be plenty of food when the babies eventually arrive. And the males evolved to like, well, to have sex if at all possible. So they go along with it.

So they're males. You said they were males. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. They never open a tender conversation by just saying, hey, you know, straight into it. During the mating season, the males run around frantically, just, just fucking every mate they can find for 14 hours at a time. That happens for about three weeks. And the males are almost dead by the end of this. They have a giant spike in stress hormones during the cell process. All their hair falls out, their immune system pretty much shuts down completely and they fucking die.

Okay. A giant spike in stress hormones, balding and the eventual complete organ system shutdown. This sounds exactly like fatherhood. This checks. Yes. And now that we got an introduction to the two headed penis of the kangaroo, I think it's a perfect time to learn about a forehead penis, get excited. And of course they appear in my favorite order of primitive mammals, the monotremes. Right? Monotremes?

Who doesn't love a fucking monotreme? I think it's a little bigoted to call them primitive. Wow, he's so canceled. The monotreams are egg-laying mammals that have both mammalian and reptilian characteristics. And the way that played out is fucking amazing, like the duck bill on a platypus, for example, when British zoologists first saw the platypus, they thought it was a hoax. They thought somebody like taped that on some part of the house. So the monotreme order, it includes the platypus, which has a two-headed penis. And of course, the owner of the forehead had penis via kidney. And I have put a picture of a kidna penis here.

I would trust to do. So the foreheaded penis, it's not just for glamour, like you might think. It's all about functionality. The female kidna has a two-track vagina input system, kind of like the marsupials. So the male is able to use half the penis at a time and kind of work him in shifts, like a team of centuries, but like kind of the opposite. But you know what I'm saying, like half and half and they go back and forth. And if he finishes up and then there's another really good opportunity for mating right there, he's ready to go right away.

No refractory period goes right into the next one. And a four track penis gives you a warmer sound. Yeah. And that's going to bring us to my second favorite all time animal genitalia, the penis and vagina of the duck. I'll start with the duck penis, which looks like a corkscrew made of a crackin's evil tentacle. It's, it's pretty terrifying. Like spiral pasta was a hen time monster as a duck penis. It's, it's not good.

So the duck penis can grow up to 18 centimeters in length. That's over seven inches. Yes. And that's even longer if you unspiral it. And that counts, by the way, that counts technically accounts. If you unspiral it, if you get the full distance when you measure it, the lake duck of South America actually holds the record for the largest avian penis in the world and the record for the largest penis to body length ratio of any vertebrate.

And the individual record holder is a lake duck from Argentina who had a really weird day in 2002. Some guy measured his penis at 42.5 centimeters fully unwound. So that happened in his life. Yeah. Oh, hey, Bill, you're back from the scientists. Did they give you one of these little tracker tag thingies? Not quite, man, not quite. So the duck penis is pretty impressive, but the duck vagina is the winner. So okay, now you're just quoting from your toast to Elias. Well, I thought it was beautiful. It was beautiful. It was an important, it was an apt metaphor.

So, like the penis of the duck, the vagina has a long spiraling shape to it. But the female has the ability to change her body posture and therefore change the shape of that vagina track. If she likes some mate, she'll set it up to allow the corkscrew penis to wind its way in just right. But if she doesn't like him, it's like trying to use the wrong key on a lock, like the wrong type of key, like you have a skeleton key and it's just like a modern key thing and you just can't get it anywhere into the right area. And for extra security, the duck vagina has a series

of, this is my favorite, they have dead end pockets as a fake out. Just and what? And they spiral in the opposite direction of the penis in the fake out. There it is. So this stops the penis from getting all the way in. And biologist Patricia Brennan was able to prove this by somehow getting male ducks to put their dicks into glass tubes that have all different shapes and seeing how those penises got blocked by the different shapes of glass. Okay, now that is a research grant proposal that I would read all of like, okay, we're also going to need a thousand dollars for a custom glass blower to make, make out see through

duck pussies. Oh, duck, Loub. God science is expensive. All right. So I just, like I've known about the spiral duck penis for a while, how do they have to spin around to get in? I don't understand the physics of it, though, right? It's all in the heart.

It's a lot of, it's like a hulu hoop. Don a hulu. Don't be lazy. Don't be lazy. Some duck was trying to do it and like the male duck and it wasn't working because they got to one of those dead ends and they were like, fuck, is it back? All right. I'm going to go upside down now. If it goes, all right, that doesn't geometry. Hopefully I thought that would hold on.

She'll be. Stop pushing the button while I'm trying to unlock it. Can you do like a super flash? Snook a thing by any chance. Yes. Last but certainly not least. Next up, final up on the list, we have my number one all time favorite animal genitalia owned by the Argonaut Octopus.

Park, yeah. Right. It's also called the paper nodalus, which refers to the paper thin egg case that's released by females as part of the reproduction cycle. That's important because the Argonaut penis can very easily fertilize the egg case without lots of physical force. And here's how that works. It happens using the autonomous penis method.

That's right. The Argonaut, it just swims around, Lululu, doing Argonaut stuff, doing its thing, and its penis will detach itself completely. And then swim around separately, looking for lady egg gases. When scientists first saw this, they thought it was a parasitic worm, but it's actually a very literal disembodied self-driving penis that lines eggs. And eventually it also comes back home somehow. I'm pretty sure that is a little penis. Unless you try to fuck while you're watching Kung Fu Panda, then it ends in disaster. They actually call that detachable penis a king missile. All right.

So he had to summarize what you learned in one sentence. What would it be? It's a sexual predator drone. It's a better. Okay. I learned one thing. I'm going to say, crisPR technology is going to be amazing for like Dick and vagina stuff. We're going to get some interesting stuff. Yeah, man. Way

to end on a high note. So are you ready for the quiz? I am ready. All right, Heath, you've written the following essays here on citation needed. You're going to need to list it all. All right. Painless size. Born up 2017 year in review. Year in review. History of sixology, fuck robots, porn hub 2019 year in review. Cause two years later, and now this one on the sexual behavior of nonhuman animals.

Correct. Hey, you okay, man? I'm not if I'm being honest. That is correct. That is correct. Correct. All right, Heath, humans to have some pretty impressive penis tricks. What are some best known? A, there are actually six complete wankers sitting on the Supreme Court. B, a total cock is the Senate minority leader or C, a useless dick just slunk out of the

White House. Wow. Okay. I mean, that's definitely D all the above. No question. Damn it. It's always the D. It's the D theme of today's lesson. It's speaking to the D.

It's the V2. Here we go, Heath. What is the best name for an alligator switch blade penis? A, a boning knife, B, a scrutility knife, C, a hunting knife. Oh, that's what I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, a hunting. Look at it. Anyway, D, De beaver cleaver

John 1950s TV show as well I feel like I like scruitility knife the bit like a Swiss army. Oh, I'm sorry. It was the most obvious one boning knife boning knife One way or the other season wasil was gonna win for Beaver Cleaver. So yeah, Cecil, you'll be this week's winner. You get to back next week's episode. That's been like two and a half weeks, Tom. Why don't you write another one?

Yay! Hey, someone's probably cold and dying somewhere. Right? All right, well, for Tom, Cecil Eli and Heath, I'm Noah, thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week. By then, Tom will be an expert on something else between now. And then you can hear more from Tom and Cecil on the cognitive dissonance podcast.

Or by checking out their new book, the grand unified theory of bullshit available wherever that particular book is sold. You can also hear more from Eli, Heath and me on four times as many podcasts and three times as many books. Not like there's a contest going or anything that's just the numbers that's how the numbers work out. And if you'd like to help get this show going, you can make a pre-episode donation

at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can. If you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media or check the show notes. We sure check out citation pod.com. you