Citation Needed - Billionaire Bootlickers (4 Op Eds)

Episode Date: June 10, 2026

AOC's Billionaire Bull Session, Did Steven Spielberg earn his wealth? What about Oprah? Jay-Z? By Matthew Hennessey, Wall Street Journal You can earn a billion dollars, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has a low opinion of human potential., Editorial Board - Washington Post I don't resent Bezos. I'm rooting for billionaires like him. | Opinion, Nicole Russell- USA TODAY Billionaires Rock, We ought to build statues of them, not chase them from state to state. By Kyle Smith, Wall Street Journal

Hello and welcome to citation needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Noah and I'm going to be playing the part of the 1% tonight, so I'm going to need someone else to do all the work for me. First up, three guys who at least look like they could do labor-type jobs if they had to. Heath, Cecil, and Tom. These calluses on my hands are from hard labor. Yes, they are. Medium hard labor. It does not last longer than four hours either, by the way. Carved out of butter myself, my melting point is slightly hotter than room temperature.

You got to carve yourself out of B. Oh, yeah. Pure stuff, pure stuff. Yeah, I look like I could do labor, but I could supervise the way. There you go. Yeah, it looks like you could watch people work. Do it faster. And I'd get bored.

Oh, 100%. It is boring. And also joining us as a man who hasn't done any physical labor since he dilated a vagina with his head. Eli Bosnick. C-section, Noah. I knew it. I knew it.

I knew you're checking out of that one, too. Perfect record. And before we go any further, I want to take a second to thank all the people who keep us from having to do those laborious jobs by giving us money. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us Cecil, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event are we going to be talking about today?

Today we're going to be reading four op-eds that defend billionaires. Okay. Why did we land there? Well, last year, we read op-eds written by billionaires, and as infuriating and ridiculous as that was, there are other people out there who think that being a billionaire is not only acceptable, but that billionaires are actually great people. So they took to the op-ed pages of various news outlets, and I'm doing the air quotes thing for news outlets and decided to stand up for the big guy.

These are four different op-eds written to try to boost billionaire PR and dismantle the arguments people use to hold the wealthiest people on earth accountable. Okay, yeah, before we begin, Cecil and look, I understand. Spoilers and all, but like, did any of them get picked? I just need to know. I don't think so, Tom. No. Sad.

Okay, so we're starting out. The title of the article is A. C's billionaire bowl session. And then the subhead is... Is there a cool sub title? There's a cool sub-type. Thank you for asking, Heath, there is. Did Steven Spielberger in his wealth?

No. What about... Jay Z? by Matthew Hennessy from the Wall Street Journal. Matthew Hennessy didn't either, by the way. I know he's not asking, but no, he didn't... You'll see. The article starts. Everyone occasionally pontificates.

Appreciate the warning, bro. we get carried away conversations become rants about politics about the movies about the neighbor's dog everyone sometimes takes it further

than it needs to go yeah weird setup bro like hey we all get drunk and hit her wives sometimes right guys right yeah

well whatever who's talking shit about the neighbor's dog like Tom's example was good too but like who's got a dick it helps to have friends

who are willing to call you out to bring you down to earth. Something tells me, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, has no such friends. Something tells me she surrounds herself with people who love to hear her pontificate.

And I hate when people pontificate. And now I shall commence my humble missive in defense of billionaires, Quay billionaires, that I am publishing in the vaunted opinion section of a newspaper owned by

the philosopher king warrior poet Rupert Murdo Who happens to be a billion? Okay. To be clear, before he says anything, I do want to point out that this right here, this is true, right? Because if AOC let me be her friend,

and she would not, of course, I would simp so hard to anything she said, right? Oh my God, I fucking hate vegan food. Pass me the chicken, girl. Of course. I'm totally so hard. There's a certain level of wealth and accumulation that is unearned.

AOC told podcaster Elena Glazer last week, you can't earn a billion dollars. That's right, agreed Mrs. Glazer. You just can't earn that. And a seething Matthew Hennessy is like, you can't earn that. That's exactly correct, agreed a nodding Miss Glazer. You can get market power. You can break rules.

You could do all sorts of things. you can abuse labor laws. Yep, agreed Ms. Glazer with gusto. Yep, she pontificated conbrillo. What's what you're talking about? You can pay people less than what they're worth. Yup, agreed Miss Glazer, who looked like she was falling in love a little bit.

People also enjoy me when I'm talking. Yeah, all right, their eyes often glaze over, and I get the funny feeling. detest me to my very core as a human being. It's tough. But then I realize I'm just being paranoid because obviously I'm great. I'm Matthew.

I'm the Matthew Hennessy. There's no way my wife secretly hates me and she's been faking it the whole time. Actually, that's great. See, I'm a sexual stallion. She said that. And I would make a great congressman in New York. Is the point anyway? AOC

continued also with Rio. But you, You can't earn that, right? That's right, agreed Mrs. Glazer. Oh, my, fuck it. We get it. Mr. I had a word count. Yes, they agreed with each other.

Fuck. And so you have to create a myth that, since you didn't earn that, you have to create a myth of earning it. In unrelated news, the following billioners got started in their garages. All of them, according to them. Also, their garages were in Silicon Valley and had access to significant startup capital. Yeah, leave that part out. Dad's emerald mine, yeah.

Right. The garages are worth like six figures each. Minimum. Just the garage. What the fuck out of here? At this, Miss Glazer was so profoundly in agreement that all she could do was exhale through her nose in a sigh of satisfied concurrence. Oh, just for the record, my wife exhales lovingly through her nose about it. Keep in mind that this person could have said, AOC said the other day that,

you can't earn a billion dollars. But because that's demonstrably true, the way they're choosing to attack that argument is the person she was talking to sure did say yes a lot. Right. And he needs, of course, to get far enough into the op-ed to feasibly say, no, I don't have room to engage with the actual argument here. It's been so long.

That isn't the kind of friend Miss Acacio-Cortez needs. She needs someone to say, yeah, okay. I hear you. Some people are really rich, and that's hard for most of us to comprehend. But, you know, I'm just thinking, what about Tom Steyer? Well, okay, but then she would tell that person, that's not the point I'm making. You're a bad friend because you don't listen for other people talk. That's probably why she doesn't have that friend. Mr. Steyer is the Democratic billionaire who may become California's next governor

and who donated $2,700 to AOC's 2018 campaign. Really put her over the top, Tom's Dyer. See a roll breaker? A labor law abuser? What about J.B. Pritzker? The suddenly slender Illinois governor who may run for president in 2028. Is he on the bad billionaire list? And what about George Soros?

The aged Hungarian, whose billions fund a web of nonprofits that support Democratic candidates and progressive causes? Did he earn it? Or is he just a myth maker? Cool. Yeah. And then a second friend might say, yeah, there's obviously billionaires who are less bad, like ones who support taxing themselves way more. What the fuck are we talking about? So it sounds like Matthew Hennessy could use a second friend.

But what about the dragons who occasionally let a coin slide from their horn to the caves beneath their legs? Are they monsters as well, you slattern bartender, Bostonian? Yeah, let's not walk too quickly away from the depth and merit of the author's arguments here, gentlemen. Lest we forget that J.B. Pritzker used to be fast. Right is very important. Very much so. Also, Cesar and I have donated more than $2,700 to political campaigns each in the last 12 months.

And for that amount, you don't even get an email to thank you. We've bought Keith and more expensive meals at Persec. You get a bunch of text messages that you don't want. I'm starting to see why he's so familiar with friends who tell you you're full of shit, though. Side note in 2023, Mr. Soros's Open Society Foundations paid for AOC to take a luxury junket to South America. where according to the Washington Examiner, she kibitzed with self-described communists and socialists,

some of who belonged to organization with links to violence. Okay, that's a communist kibbutzing junket of luxury. Got it. Got it. It sounds totally accurate from a newspaper owned by a Christian right oil. Yeah, what did the fucking real

press say about it? Also, organizations with links to violence is doing so much heavy lifting in that sentence. I'm surprised the op-ed didn't get a hernia. Right. Yeah. They listened to Hassan Piker one time. That's right. Violence. Condemned by Congress. Asan Piker. A good friend would have called Ms. Acaccio-Cortez on her pontification. Miss Glazer could have said, hang on there, Sandy. I'm in the entertainment business and I don't see how we can say billionaires, Stephen Spielberg,

Oprah, Taylor Swift, and Jay-Z didn't earn their wealth. What rules and laws did they break? Hey, second friend here just hopping in again. AOC didn't say they all violated the law. Like, maybe they just paid people less than their worth. Anyway, back to you, Matthew Hennessy,

winning the argument against yourself in the shower. Go ahead. And also furiously thinking of AOC in that same shot. Yeah. Why did you invite me into the shower as your second friend? I'm going to stop thing is anything. Or, and

this would have been far more preferable, Ms. Glazer could have said, you know, my husband is biotech CEO David Rookland, whose company redesigned science is using artificial intelligence to try to find cures for diseases like cancer.

His work is supported by venture capital that is primarily financed by private institutions and wealthy individuals. Plus, if my husband succeeds and the world gets the benefit of his innovative pharmaceutical breakthroughs, shouldn't he and his investors be rewarded for their risk and hard work? If you don't like billionaires,

you don't think anybody should get paid for anything, is what you're saying in my imagination where we're friends. But also, how far up capitalism's asshole do you have to be, to even formulate the thought, you think people who are capable of curing cancer should just do it for free? Jesus, like, yeah. Yeah.

It's cool, actually. Also, what fucking hard work? Investors don't do hard work. They did shit dick. That's probably asking too much of a podcast host. Fuck you, man. I can take multitudes. Right. Thank you.

But my original point stands, we all need friends to call us on our BS. Yeah, and second friends who aren't extremely stupid like that first one. It's like going to kick me out of the shower, but still useful. Okay, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Was that

the whole piece? Yep. That was all there's no way that was the whole thing. That wasn't even the warm up to the prelude to the opening riff of a thesis. How the fuck was that the whole thing? Amen. I think they were sharing work with the next article, Tom. Jesus. Here's the next article.

Teddy fucking Christ. The Washington Oh, was this the Wall Street Journal? No, this isn't the Wall Street Journal. This one's from Washington Post. Okay, the first one was Wall Street Journal. They're known for their brevity. They don't like to pontificate too much. Here's the next article.

You can earn a billion dollars. Alexandria Ocasic-Cortez has a low opinion of human potential. The editorial board at the Washington Post. Yeah, no, that's Jeff editorial board at the Washington Post, Bezos, to be clear. It's like a nickname only it's longer. Yeah. Amazing. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Democrat from New York, doesn't just think there should be no billionaires.

She believes accumulating that much wealth is inherently immoral, probably criminal, and definitely illegitimate. Much like the editorial board of the Washington Post. You can't earn a billion dollars, the socialist congresswoman said in a podcast interview with comedian Elena Blazer, published Thursday, you just can't earn that. And we here at the very independent editorial board of Amazon Post, Washington Post, are here to vociferously.

I'll edit it. It's cool. Go ahead. I disagree. Apropos of nothing. Someone please notice my blinking. How does she grapple with the 3,400 or so people who have that much? You can break the rule, she explained.

You can abuse labor laws. you can pay people less than their worth, but you can earn that. Okay, what if we add you can use your wealth to unfairly influenced tax policy for generations? Good addition, I think. Yeah. The likely 2028 presidential candidate

is arguing that there is no idea anyone can have or company, anyone can start, or value anyone can generate for others that can possibly be worth a billion dollars. Hey, hey, second friend from actually a different op-ed. I'm just jumping. It's crazy. I'm jumping in. I'm jumping in. You're lying. You're lying. You almost tricked us with that very clever ruse of stating her position entirely wrong. That was very clever. She's saying the billions should be spread out more. It's pretty simple.

Okay. So don't lie again. I promise I won't interrupt any more from a different op-ed as a second friend. Promise. If true. Nope. Nope. None of this counts that's about to happen. But go ahead. If true. This does not count. That raises questions. that a faunning glazer did not ask. In what ways does Ocasio Cortez believe that Taylor Swift, Michael Jordan, Jerry Seinfeld, Oprah Winfrey, or Beyonce, billionaires all broke the rules to accumulate their wealth. What did they take advantage of?

Oh, I know. Call on the editorial board of the Washington Post that definitely knows the answer to this question. I don't tell you. They included Michael Jordan and Jerry Seinfeldon. Who did they take? advantage of the if this was

a fucking article you dug up from 2004 or whatever I'd be like okay well they didn't know they fucking knew ah gosh

there's so few good billioners they have to give us bad billion yes right right exactly does she think the FBI

should investigate Illinois governor J.B. I don't know is he still fat because if he's still fash the FBI guy

The FBI guy walks up with a magnifying glass. He's like, wow, you're huge. Holy shit, you're huge. Like how big you are. I love it. He's actually a pretty good billionaire. Let me start that. Does she think that the FBI should investigate Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker Democrat? Or Tom Steyer, the Democratic candidate for California governor.

What about the Democratic maconer, Alex Soros? A big fan of Alcasio Cortez's? Okay, and the answer is That was nothing. All of that was a false premise. I said, didn't count. Did you have more essay? Also, did you copy off that other guy's essay? And still, it's like, I'm sorry,

the assignment was a critical analysis, and this is plagiarized to gibberish. This is definitely not even the assignment, actually. Criminal prosecutions were on Acacio Cortez's mind. Earlier in the interview, she talked about how bankers should have gone to prison after the Great Recession. What crimes they committed or why Attorney General Eric Holder under President Barack Obama

missed opportunities to prosecute them, she did not say. Were the crimes she was talking about being a billionaire? No. Were we paying attention? Also, no. Are we like now apologists for the Great Recession? I think so. Is that what we have to do now to just?

I think so. I think so. Yeah. She also did not say why a billion dollars is the cutoff. Oh, fuck. You can't say which millimeter is where tall starts. Tall does not exist. Not you.

Every self-made billionaire, and most of them are self-made, was at one point worth 99 million. I fucking hate you so much. Was everything they did up to that point? That's fascinating. That was a number. was like a little bit less than a billion and then they get there. Okay, no, no, I got it.

I was sorry. I wasn't following for a second. Was everything up to that point they did legitimate? What made the additional million immoral? And what about inflation? Like if I had a million dollars and then there's inflation followed by deflation, I go from like evil to good to evil again. AOC never explained any of that either mathematically.

I am making a very serious argument. right now in a newspaper owned by Petra Faisos. Who happens to be able to be. Some of Ocasio-Cortez's colleagues such as Representative Rokana, Democratic California, or Nancy Pelosi, Democratic California,

are sent to millionaires. They shouldn't be. That was easy. That took literally no effort. But like, let's put the head off the snake before we worry about the rattle. Also, don't come for AOC best friend Nancy Pelosi.

That's amazing. A Louisa Glazer is nowhere near a billionaire, but she has done well for herself as a comedian. Advertisers seem to think her audience has some money to spend as well. The anti-capitalist interview was interrupted by Glazer reading an ad for a shoe company, Stuart Weitzman, whose heels sell for about $500 a pair. Oh, fuck you. Jesus Christ.

$100, which is a number less than a billion, but it could get to it. You don't know. Also, also, AOC had lunch the other day, paid for it with, you guessed it, money. Money. Jesus, point.

Think about how many arguments you have to reject before you settle on. Also, some of the shit they advertise on that show is pretty pricey. Amazing. Also, Alana Glazer is amazing. Stop saying shit about her. I'm Stuart Whitesman, shoes salesman,

and fashion I'm thinking about the fact that no matter what Stewart does in his life, no one will ever think he's good at fashion. He could make Jesus's sandals and we'd be like, okay, who'd you inherit the company from Stu? If someone becomes a billionaire

selling expensive shoes, it's because people want and are willing to pay for them. That's something to celebrate. not admonish. Will nobody stand up for Christian Lubutan?

The stiletto-shaped pillar of human civilization? What the fuck? I'm writing you a check for a billion dollars right now unless you're a hypocrite. Zaza, my normal and cool name for Alexandria.

Kill yourself. There are indeed, rich who didn't do much to make their money, a bigger share of them live in Europe with its history of hereditary nobility than in America. Cool. So you're all about a much bigger estate? Editorial board? Were you, Jeff? Ah, they're gone. Did they leave their own editorial? Hey, guys, I don't know if anybody else needs to refresh their GPS to find the point. I think the author has definitely lost it. To say that it's impossible to legitimate. To say that it's impossible to

ultimately earn a billion dollars is to put an arbitrary amount on human potential and presuming that anyone who becomes too successful must be cheating shows a lack of imagination as to what humans are capable of accomplishing in a free society. All right. Well, it's time for us to sell out our socialist principles again for shoes or something, but we're going to be back in a few minutes with even more unlicked boots. Stu, call us. Call us, Stu, we'll sell your shoes. I don't have a cell phone. I'm afraid of radiation. I bet people would think I just parked in the garage and

I got distracted or something, you know? No, I mean. They don't know. Okay, guys, can I get everybody's attention up here? Okay, so you guys hear the AOC thing where she said that you can't earn a billion dollars? Yeah. Okay, well, Jeff emailed me, and he wants us to write a rebuttal to that.

To what? To what? idea that you can't earn a billion dollars. But you can't. You have to manipulate financial systems. I know, Craig. I know. But Jeff's point was that you can technically have a billion dollars. So maybe we just say that. He wants us to pretend that we think AOC doesn't think that one can physically accumulate a billion dollars.

And then argue against that? Yep. Like the number? Yeah. Hey, guys, I just checked. We make like $120,000 a year. We are selling out for way less money than I thought we were. Yeah, that number feels really low.

Yeah, can we pretend we think she doesn't believe the number? A billion exists. It'd be easier to. Oh, I like that. Maybe if I slip in the shower. This message is sponsored by Raycon. Okay, what about like half a photograph of you guys? Stop saying halves of things.

Hey guys, what's the matter? Eli won't let me have a Father's Day gift. It's not that you can't have one. It's that you should have a lesser one. Step parents are parents. Are they, though? Wow. Look, guys, if you don't know what to ask for for Father's Day,

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I will step on you with my... Here's the kicker. Raycon delivers the same premium audio quality as the big brands, but at half the price. Add in over 3 million happy customers and a 30-day happiness guarantee, and there's zero reason to overpay. But have you actually tried it?

I sure have. Raycon sent us a set to try when they first became a sponsor. I love the fit so much. They've become my everyday earbuds. That's why I, Tom Curry, personally endorse Raycon. All right. I'm sold. Where do I get him?

Yeah. And can he find someone who already has the headphones and just say they're his? Is that possible? Upgrade your dad's everyday routine. Go to buy raycon.com slash citation. If 15% off, thanks Raycon for sponsoring. Oh, maybe that's what your father's day card will say. Thanks for sponsoring.

That seems like a good one. I don't think Heath is the sponsor in that relationship. What is... Whose side are you on, Tom? I'm just saying! And we're back when we last left off. The Washington Post editorial board was actually rubber and AOC was glue. So joke is on her.

But apparently other people also wanted to suck up to the max maxing crowd. Cecil, what do you got? Uh, okay. So this one's entitled, I don't resent Bezos. A ringing endorsement. Not resented. No, there's more to the title.

There's more to the title. I don't resent Bezos. I'm rooting for billionaires like him. Opinion by Nicole Russell, USA Today. Paper of Newt. Isn't that the free paper outside bad hotel rooms? Yes. Sure is.

What I thought. It's the one homeless people hit their dog with. Yes. And the one. dog's shit on. Yep. Yeah. Poor dog. Being a mom is hard. And I have a lot of people to thank for making it easier, including Jeff Bezos. In the past two weeks alone, I've bought my daughter a dress for an event, a water filter

from my refrigerator, vitamins and household essentials, all in less than five minutes on Amazon that likely saved me at least an hour of in-person shopping. Yeah. And an hour of my time is fucking valuable. for the opinion section of the USA the United States of America today. Well, with the dog's shit, if it wasn't for us. Of course, the across-the-board price increases that Bezos has created with his monopolistic practices

cost me more than I actually would make in the hour of labor that I say. But who needs that side of the ledger, that side of the ledger. It's actually all bad news. Continuing with the ad for Amazon. from shoes and t-shirts to school supplies and every necessity. I order a lot for my kids and from me on Amazon. How is this op-ed having like in the middle of it every time to say Amazon?

There's like a sponsor link every third word. I'm hardly alone. More than 80% of U.S. household shop on Amazon. And nearly 200 million Americans hold prime memberships. spending an average of $1,400 a year on the platform. Okay, well, is she assuming that American readers are simultaneously unfamiliar with Amazon and yet also using it prolifically? Like, what in the fucking padded word count is happening right now?

It's easy to see why. For the cost of a product and a modest shipping or prime fee, Amazon gives people something increasingly valid. valuable. Time. For busy parents like me, time is precious. Yeah. And where else could I possibly purchase goods from a computer? Right. If not, from a giant insuredified marketplace that fucks over all the vendors and all its employees owned by the fourth richest person in the world whose true tax rate was approximately zero percent because he doesn't earn, this is me now. This is me, Heath. I switched to me. Zero percent.

He doesn't earn a normal salary. He borrows money against his billions in stocks to pay for his lavish lifestyle and never gets taxed on the gains because he didn't sell the stocks. And then his heirs can get the stocks and those stocks get repriced at market level. And they could sell it all the next day and never pay capital gains. Or the estate tax. Where else could we buy anything with a computer on the internet? I asked. Back to the fucking editorial person.

There's not a better way. Amazon is the only one. Ding! Keith, to be fair, I shop at exactly one ethical company. It's a good. Dot Store, by the way. And their shipping takes 11 years. It's insane. It's not worth that. Is what I'm saying.

She's just genuine to the website of the company. I don't know what you're talking about. That's why I've never been particularly troubled by Bezos's immense wealth. In recent years, a growing eat the rich mentality has become increasing, fashionable, fueled by progressive political rhetoric and proposals like California's billionaire tax.

I understand why extreme wealth can make people uneasy, but I can't join the envy or outrage. And by the way, Jeff, I've trained away my gag reflex so you can fuck me right in my stupid, sick ofantic throat, and I'll make moon eyes at you, buddy. Pass. She's not crying. I'm not doing it. What's interesting is that when you comment goes, ding. I'll give you an affiliate link right here. I'm right in my prime, buddy. What's interesting is that Eats' last comment and Tom's last comment are just their version of the same statement.

It's like two sides of the coin. But can I say thinking billionaire tax bills are motivated by envy is such a perfect summary of the right-wing. mindset, we should make it a t-shirt, right? Yes. It's so good, dude. It's so good. My mom says you're just jealous, the political philosophy. Nice to the leftist bullies.

Why will these idiots think they're about to be a billionaire? And they want taxes that are better for billion. Don't home, man. They seem to believe my podcast. I paid a billion dollars. I paid 40%. I'd still only have $600 million. I couldn't buy every single thing.

Cool. I'm just going to stop here right there. You will never be. a thousandner. I will remind you, I am a op-ed writer for a USA's day. I am a thousandaire.

Several people will be resting their coffee cup. I mean, for like six days after payday, I'm a thousandaire. But then once all the checks come through, I'm a hundred air. I mean, I am donating blood by the end of the month. Yeah. Stread to buy a car. There's a lot of tariffs on it. So sometimes I am a 10-Aer. They only take so much plastic.

Three days before. I am a 10 air. Draft Kings didn't work out the way I thought it would. Made an investment. But if my number comes up, let me tell you. Many of America's billionaires have built products and services. Millions of us use willingly because they make our life easier, faster, or better. Amazon didn't force its way into American households.

It literally did. It literally did. No, I can't. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, she continues. She continues. Consumers invited it in like a vampire. Let the right one in, says Jeff Bezos. Let the right priced one in.

Amazon is like a vampire is what they said in their op-ed in favor of billionaires. Just want to be clear. I added the vampire part. Yeah. Also worth noting, thanks to Citizens United. they funneled huge amounts of dark money into super PACs to buy themselves giant tax breaks politicians and then imbeciles who write for the United States of America today and say it all the way out like that in the opinion section, not even the main section.

Those people got tricked into voting for those politicians because an immigrant was jaywalking that one time. Yeah. And look, we all know there's no delivering value without making more money than you could possibly spend in a thousand lifetimes people it's either you deliver value or you now right which is which is why america failed to innovate between 1932 and 81 right that's what happened in america during that time democrats in particular have grown increasingly vocal in their opposition to extreme wealth representative alexandria casio cortez was the latest politician to slam billionaires saying

that there's a certain level of wealth and accumulation that is unearned, that you can't earn a billion dollars, that you can get market power, break rules, and abuse labor laws, and pay people less than their worth, but you can't earn that. Okay, yeah, the median household income, household, not individual household income in America, is 0.0-033% of Bezos's net worth. So fucking yes. Yes. Yes.

That is right. She's absolutely right. You need scientific notation to show how ridiculous this is. Hostility towards billionaires extends well beyond elected officials. A headline for the Washington Monthly's podcast says billionaires are a uniquely destructive force to the economy, democracy, and to the planet. A YouTube video explaining why every single billionaire is evil has attracted nearly 800,000 views. That's nearly one one millionth of a piano playing.

cat people, this is serious. Into real danger. Washington Monthly's podcast headlines. I mean, come on. There's a very serious shit on here. Cascio Cortez's argument is that billionaires build wealth by cheating, exploiting tax loopholes, and gaming America's

capitalist system. Tax codes that allow billionaires to keep more of their money might help them buy another Maserati. But they also allow them to reinvest more into businesses. and the broader economy. And that lets them buy a third

Maserati. It's perfect. If we tax these people, that money is lost entirely and it just sits in a pile in AOC's cave under her gold pile. Never to create a fourth Maserati, people.

Read a book. Basic Econ 101. Jeffy. Jeff. I'll let you trickle down my chin, Jeff. Please have picked me, Jeff. Pick me so hard. California Democrats' primary argument for the billionaire tax seems simple.

They have the money, so why shouldn't they pay more? But these competing arguments raise an important question. Are billionaires primarily cheating the system, or are they simply not paying enough under it? Oh, it doesn't matter they should pay more. Those aren't competing arguments at all. That's not what that word. The confusion, I can see what happened.

The confuses about the word competing or competing. It's a tricky word. But none of that was competing. Did Smog steal his mountain of gold or should he share it? Competing. What if they exploited legal loopholes to finance campaigns for people who rigged the system of taxation? They cheated by not paying enough. You are bad at ore, lady.

you should not be allowed to use or. Competing and or are both tricky. Absolutely. Heath talks to this essay like he talks to me. Either way, both arguments are often rooted in something deeper. The belief that extraordinary wealth is inherently more suspect than admirable.

The super rich already pay enormous sums in taxes. Or nothing. A lot of the time, it's nothing. Nothing. Very true. Forcing them to pay substantially more, may satisfy calls for greater equality, but it can also reduce their capacity to invest, expand businesses, and create additional economic growth.

Hey, hey, bring it in real quick. Regular people having less money reduces their capacity to buy stuff from businesses in the economy. And it's a problem for economic growth when the distribution gets crazy like it has. You're lying. You're a liar once again.

Return on capital is greater than growth, so it's always going to get crazier. R is greater than G. Read a Thomas Piquetti one time. You're all lying. Everybody's lying. At a measly 6%, the interest earned by Jeff Bezos's fortune

earns in under three minutes the median household income for a family of four. Jesus Christ, too. Three minutes. How long have we been recording? Behind many billion dollar fortunes are millions of paychecks supporting working families.

Bezos employs roughly 1.5 million people. Walmart, founded by Sam Walton, employs 2.1 million. Large-scale wealth creation often coincides with large-scale job creation. And if they paid taxes, their employees would have to start working for free. I'm the things Elon Musk wakes from a K-hole screaming.

again, the examples you're left with when you try to defend billionaires. Imagine you're looking for examples of billionaires that empower their employees by helping them build wealth. And your examples are, Jeff, you don't need a break to P. Bezos. And Sam, but if all our employees are on food stamps, we'll sell more food Walton. So true. Why the fuck would you make it that easy on us? Oh, God. Pick someone else.

strangely, many critics argue that the rich are neither taxed enough nor philanthropic enough, yet members of the Forbes 400 list have given 319 billion to charitable causes over their lifetimes just 4.6% of their combined net worth, which some critics deemed stingy. Still, extraordinarily. That is criminal. They should be literally killed. Still. Literally their bodies should be seized in the.

this street should drink their blood. 4.6% of their blood should be allowed to stay in their bodies. I'm with you time. 95.6% of their blood should be fucking drained into exotic. Absolutely criminal that that's the number. And she's like, that's a lot.

That's fucking literally nothing. You should be ashamed. You should cry and cry and cry until you die. All right. God, I would pay so much to watch. Bernie Sanders. eat one of these people. Just a little bit of one of these people.

I want him to eat it like that fucking dragon on that island where he has to bang him into a tree to swallow him in his mouth. That's how I want him to eat him. And you know Bernie's sending him back a couple of times being like he's totally burned. I need a new one. She continues. Still, that percentage exceeds the two to three percent income.

The average American donor gives. Perhaps if they were taxed less, they could give more. That's probably it right there. Perhaps indeed. And if they were taxed more, they'd definitely give more 100% of the time. Those are competing arguments. The fact that you make 10,000 times more than the average American, but only give 2% more of your income to charity is a giant condemnation. but knowing that involves multiplication of percentages,

which I think we can all agree is tricky. Right, look, any argument that melts if I use real amounts instead of percentages was a bullshit argument. Yeah, 100%. 100% thank you, yes. It's a study in dichotomous thinking. The left wants to resent billionaires

while taxing them more heavily. Resentment of billionaires is misplaced. every iPhone Rocket, an online store might end with someone getting rich but it usually started with humble roots and hard work in the end, the rest of us

often benefit. Hey, every rocket starts with the humble roots of NASA. Nope. Paid for Nazis. Why would you use that example? Insane example. Guys, she's talking about the private rockets. Like the one that

flat earth guy died in like it was probably private. Okay, that was a sweet rocket. And if we have to cut taxes for rich people to get more of this time, amazing. Let me help out because it's exactly this. There's a lake and a kid is drowning in. And actually, it's a really dangerous lake.

So there's just always a kid drowning in it all the time. And you, you are Michael Phelps. It would cost you literally nothing to help. No amount of you helping will ever make you not be Michael Phelps. and instead of spending your whole life pulling drowning kids out of the fucking lake, you're lobbying Congress to pass laws to send you more gold medals.

Pretty much. Billionaires aren't the villains people often imagine. Their one reason, a busy mom like me, can order household essentials and school supplies in minutes and spend more time with my kids

instead of another hour standing in a checkout line. Amazon's success, reflects a simple truth. Wealth often follows value and few things are more valuable to busy Americans than saving time. So apologize for that op-ed.

All right. Next one. This is the last one. This is billionaires rock. We ought to build statues to that. we ought to build statues of them, not chase them from state to state

by Kyle Smith from the Wall Street Journal. Okay. Once again, yeah, Wall Street Journal. I checked this one. Top of the page is a photo of Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and some lady in a skin mask in the front row of Trump's inauguration last year.

They chose that photo. Good Lord. Why did you choose that photo? before Amazon came along ordering anything by mail ordinarily meant waiting six to eight weeks for delivery See Heath impossible Today

for trivial fees Not only will Amazon Bring virtually anything to you with astonishing alacrity But the final cost of the goods is comparable to Sometimes even less than The price you can find at a retailer near your home During the pandemic, when we were all afraid of crowds, it kept us all going with anything we needed. Thanks, Jeff Bezos.

Yeah, ding, whatever. It's the best price because every vendor is required to do that on Amazon, or else they get buried at the bottom of the results. They can't even have a one-day sale on their own site because Amazon's a piece of shit. He's quiet, he's telling us about how Jeff Bezos ended COVID. Before Google, searching for something on the internet. was like trying to shop in an unlit supermarket that shelved its products in random order. Thanks, Sergei Bryn and Larry Page. Early things weren't as good as the later things.

Thanks, pretty much, everyone. Thanks, time to mention. They're using the worst possible example. Almost all of the foundational work on the internet was done for free by, or nearly for free by idealists, right? Somebody put in a good store there was inevitable. The work that made that possible is largely uncompensated. Before Tesla, the electric car barely existed.

Thanks, Elon Musk. And thanks again for turning Twitter into a place where we can share opinions that don't conform to progressive orthodoxy or accurate information about Hunter Biden's penis. That don't confirm to accurate information about a hundred. Thank you. I saw that too. Solid point there. So let's talk about presidential family members enriching themselves.

Can we... Kyle? Who wrote the other? Every Republican ever? Is every Republican ever? Oh, they're gone. They're gone again. Denounced, despised, and disrespected.

There is a class of people who keep devising new ways to make life better. Yet, in the upside down, where our intelligentsia and also Elizabeth Warren live, the mobs are lighting their torches and giving their snarl muscles a workout. Oh, fuck you, man. When you wrote giving their snarl muscles a workout, Clippy should have killed you with a gun. Jesus. Also, don't bring stranger things into this.

Fuck you. Every time he tries to write something, it's just like, you seem like you're going to write a suicide note. Is that what you're writing? You seem like you're going to write a suicide note. Would you like me to help? I'd like to help.

Amazing. Here's a pen and a gun. Our greatest billionaires ought to have statues placed in public squares. Their stories ought to be taught to children as parables of inspiration. Do you guys think Kyle flinches every time he finishes talking at a habit? Yeah, before he wrote this, he sat in the center of a circle of billionaires just sobbing while they chanted shame at him. Yeah, he's cool. He's very cool. Billionaires rock.

They're great. Even when you don't calculate what they contribute to the public wealth, which is a lot. Add up the tax and philanthropy and the citizenry give 59% of what billionaires earn or 73% if you follow their fortunes into death. Estimates that billionaires pay lower tax rates than everyone else rest on distortions. Tricks and lies. You're lying. The word lie was a lie just now. What the fuck?

Don't worry, Kyle. He says that to me too. It is either here or there, though. It's one or the other. Merely living amid billionaires has pretty dazzling effects. If you're in places like New York or Los Angeles, where Pluocratic munificence builds beautiful things such as museums and performing art centers.

I mean, they didn't. the government built those things. But Carnegie Hall has a guy's name on it. And that guy, after inflation, would probably have been a billion. It's a quirk of American political thought that we revere rich athletes and entertainers whose talents are on very public display and can hardly be dismissed. Yet when it comes to billionaires whose skills are often exercised in invisible ways, Many of us grow beady-eyed and wary.

The big difference between LeBron James and Bill Gates is apparent, though. Please don't say black. Please don't say black. Mr. James never did anything for you except be entertaining. Mr. Gates, whose operating system made the consumer-friendly laptop, a staple of American home and office, measurably improved your life. Whatever would we do if Microsoft wasn't forcing us. He used the operating system that Bill Gates conned from Tim Patterson in 1981.

Yes, okay. Linux is free and better, but who's going to fly around with Jeffrey Epstein and ask him how to secretly inject his then-wife Melinda while she was sleeping with a treatment for the STD that Bill gave her after he cheated with a Russian sex worker who was definitely a grown-up. No, no, who would do that? Think it through. Just think it through. Bill deserves a statue and a children's book. Okay. I don't think Kyle knows what LeBron James is famous for.

I think it's really important. When he said all that LeBron James has done is be entertaining, that sounds like someone who realizes a third of the way through their sentence. They don't remember which black guy they're typing about that.

That celebrity de jour, I think we all know, for what? From coast to coast, the most successful Americans are under attack. New York's mayor, Zoran Mandani, is crowing about an unspecified

pieter tax targeting the folks who own high-end property here, but don't even consume the normal amount of public services because they live elsewhere. California progressives are trying to push through a cash grab of 5% of A billionaires net worth.

Nope. That's called a tax. Tax is the word you're thinking of. A cash grab is the super pack thing in which they bought politicians for millions to get themselves in tax cuts. Won't someone think of the pietta tears is a hell of a tape, y'all. I know. I know.

Yeah. I can't believe that burden being taxed extra like that. But it's only on your second home and only if it's worth more than $5 million. I'm going to go and put my sandwich back on the radiator to warm it up and vote against this. Fuck. Billionaire discourse often becomes a Trojan horse for going after much less wealthy Americans. Maine just upped its income tax from 7.15% to 9.15% for earnings above 1 million or 1.5 for joint filers. It's finally they can afford it.

Massachusetts just passed 4% certifications. on million dollar earners. Washington State is now taxing incomes over one million at 9.9%. Get the fuck out of here. And yet, jobs and companies continue existing in those

faces. What the hell you say? Sorry, guys, I'm just writing this down for my notes. We're at the stage of capitalism where someone writes, won't someone think of the people who make more than a million dollars a year and we don't set them on five. Which stage is that?

It's such a low tax rate on income above a million dollars. Under 10%. Be careful. They go after the billionaires. We might start taxing mere millionaires as well. That's our point, dude. Jesus. First they came for the billion.

In the other, Washington. the minions of Senator Warren, now number around 50 lawmakers, backing her chucklehead ultra-millionaire tax, which is a nakedly unconstitutional seizure of wealth. We're near the point where the wealthy people are going to get chased around the country like 19th century Mormons.

Nice. That's not really helping your argument there, kind of. It's fair comparison, no rapists are rapists. Yeah. Once again, why use that example? Oof. A swath of the public... Braddn us with a good time. A swath of the public reacts with cross-eyed rage to billionaires, mere existence,

fulminating that they cheat or that they're hoarding wealth. The first charge hardly ever intersects with reality. And the second is preposterous fantasy. Having a thousand million anythings is hoarding. My guy? Yeah. That's just... That's just too many anythings.

There's no things, like, unless you're talking about, like, Adams or something. Yeah, like, accusing billionaires of hoarding wealth is, like, accusing them of being billionaires. Yes, that's just, like, what? Okay, but we should take, like, some percentage of their atom. Yeah, I think you should. 100%. Tom had a good idea earlier. What's the percent they're not given to charity?

95.95.6. Let's take it. Take it. It's like seven. They have to weigh it out on a. Gail. Tax rate. Avagadro's number. Go fuck yourself. That Egyptian bird

God's watching this like, I like this better than the heart thing. This is good. I was talking to Clippy and we all agree. This is just fucking dope. You has no clip he's a god. None of you ever asked. Like a sentient paperclip on your computer in 1992.

No one had follow-up questions. The usually evidence-free grumbling about cheating is linked to both our contemporary cynical attitude that the real story must always be much more sorted than what we've been taught. And the kindergarten marks a suspicion that if laborers sweat more than factory owners, something must be wrong if the owners are the ones getting rich.

But I'm dumber than a kindergarten. Are there kindergarten Marxists? I guess so. To each according to... I forgot. Nap time. It's all those drag queens reading them. books. That's the problem. Behind every great fortune

there is a crime. A phrase attributed to Balzac, but popularized by Mario Puzzo, who streamlined the much wordier original remark when he used it at the outset of his novel The Godfather is supposedly a savvier take.

What crime underlies the success of Microsoft? I already told you. Or for that matter, Tesla. That would be blood emeral. Obtaining federal subsidies, as Tesla did, may be distasteful rent-seeking, but every business

is entitled to jawbone the government to seek advantage, blame the lawmakers who fall for the pitch. Oh, no, no, I think we'd like to blame them both. There's enough guillotine for everyone. It's fine. You can just use them over. Come now, who hasn't

used a financial system in which you have an inordinate amount of power to reverse the very nature of buying and sell? wealth and monetary value. Sometimes I have ice cream before bedtime. Hoarding, a favorite term among lefty pundits who obsess over the share of wealth that is controlled by the rich, is a conceptual error that positions Luker as a sort of Aladdin's cave to which lucky people

somehow finagled access. Sorry, controlled was in quotes, as if wealth is like, controlled by the people who are. What are you doing? Such a great well. But Mark Zuckerberg didn't find his wealth. He created it by making a product people

love to use. Literally nobody ever loved to use Facebook. Jesus Christ. In the process, he made many others wealthy, employees, investors, shareholders, and has pledged to spend 99% of his lifetime

fortune on public benefits such as curing diseases. Let's not also forget that meta has been caught time and time and time and time again intentionally pursuing policies and incentivized child sexual exploitation, the destruction of mental health, reduction of attention spans, the rampant acceleration of polarization, outrage politics, collusion with disinformation actors and foreign agents, and he began the company to rank which girls on campus the dude bros wanted to fuck the most. But sure, he's a chilling cool guy.

They contributed to a genocide and that didn't make your list. That's how fucked up there. But guys, the Winkle vases are relatively cooler than him. Think about that. Guys, he promised he's going to get around to giving us that money eventually. When his Facebook ever lied to us? If he doesn't do it eventually, oh, trouble, promise breaker will say about him as he's dead in heaven. wealth creators such as Mark Zuckerberg

have in effect built rather than discovered Aladdin's cave many times over and allowed a lot of others to come in. Elizabeth Warren shouldn't only stop raging about him. She should volunteer to clean his sneakers and iron his

hoodies. What? Jesus Christ. Liz, if you need me to kick this guy's ass you just let me know. You give me a call. I will wop this. If you could convince Kyle to say that sentence out loud in front of Heath, Heath would strike him. I feel like Heath and I would do the like clothesline where we both grab a hand and him.

Yeah. And if you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence. The steel chair. He's climbing on top of the cage. And if you had to summarize what you learned. He's murdering marks. He's murdering the ring with a gun. What?

And if you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, so what would it? be. When we finally eat the rich, we are having every single one of these people for dessert. There you go. And are you ready for the quiz? I am. All right. So, Kyle, I think that was the last guy. Sure. He mentioned that rich people should get children's books in their honor about their amazing stories. Absolutely. So what's the worst one? A, for Sergei Brin and Larry Page, the little search engine that could be four. That's so good. For. For Donald Trump and the Binance guy who laundered money for terrorists, the secret pardon.

C. For Donald Trump and the P tape, a tinkle in time. Tinkle at time. Nicely done. Or D. For Jeffrey Epstein, where the child rings are. Oh, Jesus Christ. I don't want to think about D, so I'm going to go with A, the little sergeant that could.

Correct. Nailed it. All right, Cecil. Elon Musk alone is worth $845 billion. He could, A, end world hunger and still have $805 billion, B, and provide the world with clean water and still have $634 billion. C, and provide universal K through 12 educational access across the world and still have $595 billion. D, and end extreme poverty globally, and still have $277 billion. E, and end homelessness in America, and still have $177 billion.

$177 billion would be earning at least $10.6 billion in interest alone. G, they are watching everyone in the lake drown and they do not care. Also, we're taking that last 177 and you're not getting any interest on. Good point, Tom, Ed. I just want to appreciate that you didn't use percentages. That's all. I'm appreciating your non-use of percentages here. Thank you, Tom, all the above.

All of the above. All right, Cecil, I think the question that's haunted all of us throughout this evening's program is, why would anyone choose to write an op-ed like this? A, they believe the wealthy will bring them as some sort of gesture when they're forced to flee the scorched earth on their private rockets that they built. B, they imagine, like so many op-ed writers before them,

they too will one day be a billionaire. Or C, come has kind of a fishy taste, and this is easier on the jaw. Jesus Christ. It's definitely C. All right, it is C, but Eli's the winner anyway. Yeah, my cum has the fisciest taste. I want a tom as a name. Oh, God.

Jesus, come at me, bro. It does. Thank you. Well, for Cecil Heath, Eli, and Tom, who's initial. are chat, if you say it in that order. I'm Noah, thanking you for hanging out with us today. We're going to be back next week, and by then. Tom will be an expert on something else between now and then.

You can fucking wait, okay? We've got a lot of shit going on right now. We can't just be here podcasting all the goddamn time. And if you'd like to keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at pageragrant.com slash citation pod. Or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to be in touch with us, check out past episodes.

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