Citation Needed - Boudica's Rebellion

Episode Date: November 8, 2017

Boudica or Boudicca (/ˈbuːdɪkə/, Latinised as Boadicea or Boudicea/boʊdɪˈsiːə/, and known in Welsh as Buddug [ˈbɨ̞ðɨ̞ɡ])[1][2] was a queen of the British Celtic Iceni��tribe who led an uprising against the occupying forces of the Roman Empire in AD 60 or 61, and died shortly after its failure. She is sometimes considered a British folk hero.   Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

I'm telling you, it's beautiful, you gotta go. Is it safe? Totally safe. And the ruins are genuinely breathtaking. You know live to see on holiday. Well then, Bagger and Bagger. Oh God, you're doing the voices all wrong. Eli, give him wrong footboard.

You're sword fighting, not boxing. What the fuck is wrong with you? Hey guys, what's up? Oh, no, we're just getting ready for this week's episode. We're talking about Boticus rebellion, so I figured we'd just try to make everything authentic, you know. I see. Yeah, that explains costuming and it,

I'm sorry, does it seem dirty in here to anyone else? Oh, trust me Noah, we went all out with authenticity here. Yeah, that's, that is apparent. The smell is really overpowering. Yeah, man, I'm refusing a half acid here. Baka didn't live like us. She didn't have a shower or a swiffer or toilet paper. Cecil's been making you guys wipe with your hands, hasn't he?

Yes, yes, he has. I kind of like it. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. You said it normal, nailed it, because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Heathen right and I'll be leading the charge this week, but I won't be charging alone. First up, the people that Eli paid me 20 bucks to introduce as best friends, Cecil and Eli. I can't be friends with a Jean-Bene Ramsey truth or it's just not going to happen.

Okay, I am sorry that you're afraid of the truth, Cecil, but I will not be silent. And also joining us tonight are two men who can't summon the enthusiasm required to be nihilists. Tom and Noah, it's just too much effort not to prepare all the time. Right? Right? You know what they say about nihilism. Fucking exhausted.

And before we get started, I want to thank all the patrons over at patreon.com who keep this show running. If you're feeling generous, be sure to stick all the patrons over at patreon.com, who keep this show running. If you're feeling generous, be sure to stick around till the end of the show and we'll tell you how to give us money and get rid of all the guilt you must be feeling at this exact moment as you contribute to the free rider effect because you're a moocher. Oh, geez. And with that out of the way, tell us, Tom, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon or event will we be talking about today?

I am glad I get to be the first one to take a shot of pronouncing this. Tonight we'll be talking about Brexit 1.0, also known as Budica's Rebellion. Rebellion? Rebellion? Rebellion? Rebellutions. See, and I, here it was, I thought Budica was what you were having a trauma because it could be what I stumbled over. Hit that right on the first try first thing. Ray Bayon. You're looking for, yeah. Yeah. You're close.

Yeah. And Noah, you read the article about Budacus Raybeon. Are you ready to play Bard for us? I am, but I am not doing the thousand thighs. No matter how many times Cecil copies him into my notes. Cecil. I wrote some. All right.

So who was Utica and what was she rebelling against? Val with that God damn it, guys. Um, Utica was a Celtic queen, Heath, and she was rebelling against a lot of things. The glass ceiling on Celtic royalty, the status quo, the historical image of women as weak and helpless and most notably the Romans that raped her daughters in a public square while she watched. Oh my God. This political correctness trend has gone too far.

Women are taking offense at every little gang right now. Oh, Jesus Christ. Sorry, God. Okay. Just going to leave a little distance. Yeah. Leave that spot for the edit. No, no.

Okay. So I noticed you said the Romans raped her daughters. So this is pre-Catholicism. Oh, it's just a good call. It is actually. Yeah. She was the queen of the Icini tribe of British Celts around 60 CE and notice I didn't say through anything there. She wasn't queen from 60 CE to like

some other year or anything. So don't expect a happy ending on this one. Well, the story started on in such an uptick with all the rapes and all some. I'm really glad with that last name and that you're raining a sin. No, I'm glad. I feel like you shouldn't expect the happy ending unless you put the money on the table where they can see it. Yeah, that's true. I'm just trying to imagine how anyone's going to hear Noah's voice and assume something cheerful was going to happen.

Really? Okay. Well, obviously you don't have a Pavlovian drooling response to Bong Bells and Noah's beautiful bells at Baratone voice. Noah, I've actually been meeting you to talk to you about that. We probably shouldn't feed Heath every time you talk. I've been saying for you, been saying that forever and look how well it's worked out for me today, Eli.

We have a fabulous, essentially. We have a fabulous, essentially. It would be important. There's a system we're sticking with it. Maybe just not bulls us out. Maybe just not bulls us out. Absolutely not. That's locked in, whatever. So Chris, no, I should note here that

Buddha guy is considered a British folk hero or more accurately several British folk heroes because nobody can agree on her fucking name. So before you email me and tell me I'm pronouncing it wrong, everyone pronounces it differently. All right, I'm gonna be using Boudica for the purposes of this episode, but you'll also hear Boudica and Boudica and Boudica

and Boudica and Boudicia and Boudicia and Boudica and Boudaria Queen. So. All right, well, if she's a folk hero, are you saying we're gonna be relying on folk tales for the sources? I think we should. I once completed an entire biology exam using only what I learned about ducks from duck tails.

I failed college. I feel like the entire test just said whoo on it. Okay. What college had a biology exam that was only about ducks? That's my question. Yeah. I'm not sure of Phil Robertson. You as accredited, sir. I hate to bring it to you on the air. But no, no problem. Again, I failed. I don't have the degree. So, Robert and you, it's just like, yeah, it's a crocodile too. But life is like a hurricane. It seems unfair. As we're saying, are we relying on focal tails, sir?

No, actually, we got lucky on this one. It turns out that hot women who kill people with sorts isn't just a modern fetish. And a couple of Roman writers talked about her as well, most notably Tacitus, who would have actually been a contemporary contemporary at least to some degree uh... also caccia still is writing on almost a hundred years after the fact but he described butica is quote tall with tawny hair hanging below our waste with a harsh voice in piercing glare and quote and he also said that she was quote

possessive greater intelligence than often belongs to women and quote i'm sorry i, it was a pants. What year did he tweet this out? I like this guy, Cassius, the king of the back-handed compliment. Yeah, right? I don't know. I wouldn't even insult her. That's what I'm saying.

Oh, God. So I should point out at this point that the Celtic tribes were way less sexist than the Romans of the time. And now this is often overstated by hippies and women's studies professors. Yeah, that's kind of a weird distinction, but we'll let it go. Okay, what is a subgroup of the other? Yeah, but um, but uh, societies that rely less on private ownership of land tend to be a hell of a lot less patriarchal. Yeah. And in that moment, all the women who listened to our show became a narco capitalist. That's sure that's gonna happen.

But yeah, so I don't think that word means what you think it is. So the fact that all the primary sources are Roman probably undercuts the hell out of Boudica as a historical figure. If the Kels, what I'm trying to say is, if the Kels were right and shit down at the time, we would probably be able to find somebody willing to praise her intelligence without tacking on, you know, for a girl. The Kels also had an amazing Pinterest board. Not a lot of people know that about the Kels. Oh, talking true. Please, please tell everybody knows it. You know why? Because they won't stop showing you their fucking homemade center

pieces. All right. Yeah. Oh, wow. We get it. You made that fucking twig sculptor thing on your fucking mantle yourself. Great job. You say the $11. You spent six hours of your fucking life on it. That's a real win. Yeah. Good. A job.

You put about a hundred of those with a job. I think it's actually less sexist if we don't have women as topics. I think it's probably about a college if we don't have women as topics. No, what do we know about Buda Kuz early life? Nothing at all. Glad it's not just me. What about her later? Nothing either. We're trying to get ahead for Australia guys. We didn't have our afterlife. We don't think our after life.

We don't see it about our after life. No, so we don't, she doesn't show up in the historical record until she marries the king of the Icini, a fellow named Prasategas. Now, he rolled over a kingdom that encompassed modern day Norfolk and some of Suffolk and Cambridge Shire. So an area about 5,300 square kilometers. Probably seemed like a hell of an accomplishment at the time, but to keep things in perspective,

that's in the grand scheme of things like being the king of Duluth. The king of Duluth just spends his time nighting snow clouds. I dump the sir push a lot. No, no, leave it on. I had to look up Duluth on a map. And then I threw away the map. And then I threw away the map.

And then I threw away my garbage can and then I puked on a bolt and I set it on fire. Duluth escalated quickly. Yeah. Tom's neighbors are having a weird week. Honey, come here. You got to check this out. I put a map of Duluth on Tom's main street. This car is going to explode.

So now back in 43 CE, the Romans invaded southern Britain under Claudius of I Claudius. And when they did, the Icedea originally allied with them because, you know, fuck those slightly more southern Britons. But as was so off in the case, once they saw what allying with the Romans looked like in practice, they changed their mind. Specifically when Roman governor, Publius, a story, a scapula decided that only Romans were allowed to own weapons. So so that this they started a powerful sword lobby, right?

Is that? Well, yeah, we kind of tell you a smart thing to do. The only way to be safe from swords is if everyone has a sword, why? More swords, bristling, porcupined out, less swords. Just a picture of Boudica with a sword that's like way bigger than her entire body standing in front of a chick flay. So we're back to the same soda. Her truck has nuts on the back, though.

Boudica strikes me as the kind of person that would have nuts on the back of her, not brass ones. You know, that guy that floored it with her. So, okay. So, at this point, the Icini rebel against the Romans, but they lose because, you know, only Romans were allowed to have weapons. Okay. Seems not really well thought out, right?

Like, hey, let's rebel. Okay, but what are they hit us with those swords? Oh, no, that would just be unfair. They're not going to just, oh, fuck. Really? Now, fortunately for the ACN, though, at this time, there were so many other uprisings going on that a story was basically had to settle

for giving their leadership a stern talking to and a time out before rushing off to put down some other rebellion. Oh, it's like a single mom. Exactly. Yeah. I didn't hear anything about white wine and pills in the afternoon. So okay.

Well, then you should read the note I left all of them. Wine pills and single mom's party is out of your mind. Yeah. No. Despite his shaky relationship with the Romans after the rebellion, uh, prostitutes was eager to show them deference because he was old and his wife was young. So he decided to bequeath his kingdom to the Roman emperor and his two daughters, like together.

So they could, you know, draw a line down the middle of it, like an 80 sitcom and the Romans couldn't touch any of his daughter's half, I guess. And thus was born the ancient law of I'm not touching you. I'm stuck a bunch of Romans in the back seat, the driver yelling, I will turn this chariot around if you can. All right. So needless to say, this arrangement didn't work out super well. Instead of the respectful deference that prostitutes intended to convey, his move was seen as an invitation to come take all his shit. So that's what they did when he died. The regional leadership

trumped up some charges related to money that the emperor had loaned to somebody tangentially related to their household. And with that excuse, they rolled in Dysonie, pillaged the kingdom and slaved a bunch of its people, confiscated the lands of all the nobles and just for good measure, they lashed the queen and raped her two daughters. Oh, and they took her email server, dude. They did that. Jesus Christ, I thought the payday loan stores were a little rough about collection. Jesus.

This is where they actually get their playbook. It's from Buddha. It's rebellion. All right. Yes, from Buddhist rebellion. All right. So I'm trying to guess how this ends. Budaka and her crew, they take over a birding station and have a really big dildo party. You know, there's, it's Roman. I feel like if there was a dildo party, they would have mentioned it, right? These are Roman sources.

Um, no, speaking of that being Roman sources, I should point out that like they wrote this stuff and they still basically had to admit that like, yeah, we just rolled in there and raped those kids. What? We were such assholes. Right. Now, so you think that they like trying to like drum something up and make it seem like they weren't the bad guys, but they didn't. Now, part of this is because this happened under emperor Nero and that guy was dead 10 minutes before people were writing down what an ass hole he was, but it's also partly because there's no fucking question that they were the bad guys from the beginning to the end of this one. And they were trying to present it as a moral lesson, as much as a historical

epic. Oh, hey, Gladius, about to write that part about the enslaving and raping thing that we did. Maybe we should try to rebrand that a little. I know that was our bad. Just write real small in the margins. No, whatever. Okay.

Or counterpoint. Okay. This is going to be fun. Thank you. Thank you. The Romans saw a future that consisted of writing dictators with nuclear weapons, stern letters about starving their people to death and just figure it.

Hey, maybe no half measures. That's fun. Yeah, that was. Now, there's quite a bit of blame shifting in the sources because let's face it, by the end of this story, a bunch of Romans are going to get their asses kicked by a girl. And nobody from that day wanted that tacked under their historical reputation. So, Setonius, who is the Roman governor of Britain at the time, tends to get a pass on a kind of him being off fighting some war in North Wales when this all started.

So Cassius Dio pins the blame for the massacre on Seneca, who was just some rich motherfucker who had the ear of the emperor and wanted all of Icini's shit. Ugh. When will the rich ever get a break? Right. Well, according to our now anarcho-capitalist female listeners, right? If they line up against the wall. All the holes.

Well, people need to understand that rich people are the massacre creators. I guess you're saying. You have to let the massacre or the blood won't trickle down. All right. So, but regardless of who's fault it ultimately was, the Icini were rightfully massacre or the blood won't trickle down. All right. So but regardless of who's fault it ultimately was, the Icini were rightfully pissed and they weren't like going, do you think it was more satonia? Or do you think it was more synagogue?

Now, they were pissed at all the fucking Romans as were the surrounding Celts. They were all starting to chafe under Roman rule anyway. And when the Romans proved themselves not to be above publicly raping their princesses, even the folks on the fence were willing to forget about booted because emails and take up arms. Now so much better when the rapes were private. Just classier. That's not exactly what you're looking at, right? Sorry, I'm just nostalgic for the your guy as a rapist converted the fence that are so. Oh, shit. Really nice. All right.

Well, now I'm depressed. So many Jill Stein voters. So yeah, oh, for the civilization of 60 CE, if only we could somehow get that back. So as the Romans were rushing off with their ill gotten gold, the quality of the stop rising, but it got reached out to neighboring tribes and started a massing an army. Now this is definitely apocryphal, but I want to offer up the speech that Tacitus has butica giving her assembled Celtic army. Quote, it is not as a woman descended from noble ancestry, but as one of the people that

I am avenging lost freedom of my scorched body and the outraged chastity of my daughters. This is a woman's resolve. As for men, they may live and be slaves." And quote, and instead of dropping a mic, she then released a rabbit from her dress. What? So some form of divination. Apparently, yeah, well, that was it. Then the rabbit turned the right way. Anyway, that because of the way that the rabbit turned, they decided that their first target was gonna be the Roman fortress of Camila Dunham.

I mean, it always turns to someone's right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, no, that kind of kills the moment. We do this not for man, but for freedom, bunny. But. He's got to keep the whole speech short because the rabbit started to fucking shape it. Still, where did the carrot come from? Does that wrap your cotton?

All right, on that note, we're going to take a quick break for a little opropo of nothing. Oh, it's opropo now. We're getting all fancy with our rebelion. Maybe that could be my thing. Maybe I'm the guy who says words fancy. No, that's not gonna be your thing, man. Oh, no. Ah!

Ah! [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Where are we going next? Yeah, I want a pillage. Where's Budica? She'll tell us what to do. Oh, here she comes, not. I would be able to tell that tawny waist length there anywhere.

Oh, Budica is busy, but she sent me. Eli, you're not even an officer. Take the wig off. What are you doing? I'm not, Eli. I'm commanding a bitch. Stop, okay, stop. Just get Budica out here so we can get on with the war. What are you doing? I'm not Eli. I'm command. Okay, stop. Just get Buddhica out here so we can get on with the war. What are you doing?

Well, I'm here to show you our plan of attack. First, we're going to encircle the two mountains. Oh, Carl, still grab your mobs like that. Then we're going to make the two commanders at the top of the mountain stand up straight and tall. I quit the pillaging. And we're back. When we last left our heroine, she was rallying troops to march on camel, something. Yeah, that's it.

Exactly. Yeah. So, Buddha actually chose her first target well. The A.C.D.'s chief ally in the rebellion was a neighboring tribe called the Trinivantes. And they were still a little pissed off at the Romans for, you know, taking over their capital city and entering into a Roman fort. It also didn't help the Roman legionaries that were there were kind of notorious for mistreating the locals. And also they had erected a giant statue of Claudius and forced the locals to pay for it. So Camila Dunham was something of a like

a focal point for Celtic rage in the area. Yeah. O'Claudeus was so much more than a slave owner though. I mean, let's not race history. Yeah. It also doesn't help that the statue they made was also erect. That's a bit of a follow. Yeah. That's the I'm picturing a smaller statue of a Celtic lady as the fluffer. Yeah. Would you do this beautiful statue and the Celtic and a pay for it? So they they march on the Roman strongholdhold and despite a small contingent of reinforcement surviving at the last minute to vend it, uh, Boudica and her rebels fucking level the place. And now the siege lasted a couple of days and people locked themselves in a temple, whatever,

but the battle was one in a matter of hours. And according to archaeologists, they systematically demolished every square inch of the saddle. Yeah, except the statue, the Romans protected it with the teaky torches. They stood around it. They formed a ring. And they were part of that. They were just trolling before. Oh, right.

Right. Who's a Pianway? Are Pian. Now, when the Romans heard about this, they rightly freaked the fuck out. Right, they immediately dispatched the Spanish ninth legion to retake the outpost and despite their overwhelming edge in military discipline and tactics and the fact that the counts burned the city down rather than using his defensive structures to their advantage, but because army fucking destroyed them, the infantry was wiped out all together and only their leadership in a handful of cavalry escaped alive.

We got to go back. They went to retake a fort that had already been demolished down to the square inch. I don't convince the troops of this one. They can take our lives, but they'll never take a rubble. What? You just find any old rubble and declare victory, right? Just an open field with some square marks. We didn't go us. Well, to be fair, I believe the Legion was, you know, massacre before they got there, you know, to see that it was just

rubble, but they would have been so disappointed. Like if one guy makes it all the way, they're off. Well, they should have called first. Yeah, right. Right. We're just checked on, on fucking Facebook or something. So it's a file picture. Just rubble. Safe in rubble. Oh, his relationship with the Ford is complicated. That's not good.

So it's about now that Setonius, the absentee governor of the province, here's about this whole rebellion thing. So he breaks off his engagement in Wales and he raises army down Wattling Street, which when I say it like that, it sounds like his big concern are going to be traffic and tolls. But at that time, this is hostile territory filled with rebellious Celtic tribes. And one of those rebellious Celtic tribes just burned a major city to the ground. And that's got the rest of them in a pretty Bernie mood.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So Cleveland, I got it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So Cleveland, I got it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much. Pretty much. Oh, I'm sorry. Is Wattling Street the most beautiful city on earth in my future home? If my wife actually loved me, yeah, I didn't hear that Wattling Street has the amazing second largest theater district in the United States and a baseball team whose mascot is both a hate symbol

and victorious a lot of the time. So yeah, that sounds why do I treat that? Also, if we're naming cities full of dead bodies that burn to the ground because of stupidity, uh, pretty sure that's Chicago, not Cleveland. Oh, city, not river. All right, guys, all right. If we're gonna, if we're gonna use a shit hole city, let's just use St. Louis. Yeah, no one will be up. Of course, because the people in St. Louis are the other people where they lose are like, yeah, what are we going to do?

A forward fold to download our podcast. So ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Cetodias isn't going to Cleveland or Camila Dunham, you know, people don't methodically destroy cities if they want to occupy them. So he knows that they're already going to be heading towards their next target. And he's got a pretty good idea where that's going to be London. Only this is Roman time. So it had a more Romani sounding name and thus Londonium. Yeah. The elemental symbol for Londonium is just two pips in a cheerio. It's an army chimney sweeps an adorable street urchin. Well, they perform like that.

So at this point, Londonium is a pretty new settlement. Still it's only been a city of any kind for about five years, but already it's turned into an important seat of Roman occupation. It was a thriving commercial port. It was full of Roman officials and it was the next logical symbol of Roman occupation. It was a thriving commercial port. It was full of Roman officials and it was the next logical symbol of Roman power. It was also not remotely prepared to fend off Budacus Army. So, Soutonia sizes up his forces and decides that he should bravely chicken out and abandon Londonium all together. So, he has his forces evacuate the city at Gladius Point and a couple of days later, Budacus Army shows, birds, the fucking thing to the ground.

And in fact, apparently with a dig up old coins and shit from that era, you can tell the ones that are pre 60 CE by the layer of red debris from this fire. Nope, no mistake. And Roman fire doesn't melt gold coins. False flag operation. And of course, you know what they say about rage burned first century Roman settlements. Is a, is a penny earned if there's grass on the field play ball. No, don't stick your dick and crazy.

Alex are bad for your back. Yeah, that's, well, actually, Cecil that, that what they do say, but the other three, not so much. But no, the one I was going for is that they always come in three. So with the ashes of Londonium, yeah, you'll get it next time, Eli. So with the ashes of Lindenium in their rearview mirror, they headed down the road to Viralamium, which is, I guess, modern St. Albin, apparently, and they sacked that one too. Jesus, this is like a series of G7 summits. This is actually starting to me to feel like how my dad resolved conflict.

Oh, you're not getting long fine. What have you now lives outside for the next six months? Okay, if you can't be nice to your baby sister, then I cut you both in half. How does it go? This is a smart Jewish guy. I feel like I'm doing it wrong. Dad? This is a smart Jewish guy. I feel like I'm doing it wrong. Yeah. Dad. No, I don't want this episode to be entirely a raw, raw for Boudica. So I want to take a second and emphasize what we mean by sack the city.

Now, Boudica is definitely the hero of this story, but there were no good guys back then. So it's important to let everybody know that in destroying the three settlements, the army killed some 70 to 80,000 people by modern estimates. Right. Most of those people were not Roman soldiers and they weren't interested in taking slaves or prisoners. They were interested in killing mostly by burning and crucifying. In fact, according to Dio's account, the noble women were impaled on spikes and their tits were cut off. What? And sewn to their mouths.

What? Okay. Sounds bad. I'm not saying that's how I want to go, but I tipped my mouth impaling something isn't not how I want to go. I'm not ruling that out. I just woman on woman violence just has to stop, I think. I think that's the problem.

Thank you. Someone had to say it. See, so. You guys think that like the great, great, great, great grandmother or one of the guys on the general slow, I'm trying to do another woman on the crucifix and she's like, okay, you got to admit this is silly looking, right? I know it's not fun, but it's funny for us to like, come on. One guy who has to like do that forgets the instruction is like, fuck, which way do

the nipples go? She said, I forget. Do we land on suckling or mouth? I feel like it doesn't be so pissed if I get this wrong. Now, you know, of course, we don't know if this happened. All these gruesome details come from Roman sources, right? So even if they were willing to admit that they were wrong, they certainly weren't above embellishing the barbarity of their opponents and making them seem less human than they

really were. But we can't say was certain either. The army wasn't like nice to those people or anything. They killed the fuck out of some non-combatants. They had drone strikes back then too. Yeah, they did, but they were like really low-tech. They're just multi-colored birds and slingshots. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Those pigs rape those birds, just little known facts. That's the big problem. Huh. Only little known fact to people who refuse to read my fan fiction, Heath. Dude, are you serious? It was 191 pages lost, ridiculous. So is the doubletters.

Okay. Well, that explains why you write in one giant run-on sentence with no punctuation. Now, it's worth asking at this point of the story, like what the point of all of this is, right? And by that, I mean the show. Why are we still doing this, guys? No, I did. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, It's pretty easy to stir up enough collective rage to burn down a couple of settlements and shit, but they don't have the kind of army or logistics that can mount a sustained campaign and actually drive out the occupying Romans. On top of that, the army is a Hodg project, Celtic tribes, many with their own longstanding animosities against each other. There's no question that Boudica was an aspiring leader, but there was a ton of questions about where she was leading them. Typical.

Where do you want to pillage? Oh, I don't care. You pick. Okay. We'll find how's Lombinium. I don't like their tit mouths. Okay. How about Chris Anthem? The medium or whatever. No, no. We pillaged them last with my God woman make up your mind. I'm not giving you the silent treatment.

I just don't have anything to say about pillaging right now. Really? You're all done talking. I'm not gonna hear how to say it. Bureka. Bureka. I don't do this. I don't believe you when you say it's fine. I don't believe you. I just don't believe you. Keep saying it's fine. I don't think it's fine.

Monogamy sounds amazing. You guys have stuff you have to do forever. You guys just forever. You always. It's interesting forever. So moving on. So while they're busy unstacking the bricks of virilemmium, uh, Sotonia says a massing troops. He puts together two legions and all the auxiliary seeking moisture, about 10,000 men all together.

Now, the ancient accounts have Buddha Kuzami numbering like a quarter of a million at this point, but that is definitely bullshit. Um, all the old sources exaggerate this shit of the bad guy army, especially when their side was outnumbered. Still, a story that seemed to agree that Satoius was crazy outnumbered by the rebels at this point. It can't really blame him for inflating the numbers though. Everyone does that when talking with women, right?

Absolutely. I'm like, yeah, I'm eight, maybe 900 pounds. Oh, I think you're doing that wrong. Yeah. You're doing that wrong. It's more like see all this white area in the background. That makes it look smaller. The size of the crowd.

It's a bigger crowd. The black guy, a lot of people think the black guy had bigger. It's not. It's the white rubber. Outnumbered or not. You still have a band to loosely affiliated tribal fighters going up against one of the ancient worlds all time best armies here, right? So let's not make this a David and Goliath story the wrong way. The Romans have a shit ton of advantages here. They have better weapons, better armor, better training, and better tactics. Now it also is so totally new that Boudica would be an upwattling street, so he placed

his forces in a narrow clearing, which gave him a geographical advantage as well. Thickwoods on either side of the clearing made it almost impossible for Boudica's army to flank them, even with their vast superiority and numbers. I'm digging the way you're setting this up, but I just could really use sort of some measurements of the battlefield here. Like how big it was, you know, maybe a meter. So you do it in tears. Even more is a take to jog it. Okay, no, I'm starting to understand this is about angles, not size. I'm taking notes feeling better.

Yeah, girl, you like that C-camp? You like that C camp? You like that C camp? Cute, obtuse, cute, obtuse. So Buddha could rise your chariot along the lines with her defiled daughters at her side. She delivers a big, but they'll never take our freedom speech. And then the Keltz rush into battle. And the Romans stand still and throw heavy javelins at them while they do this, which is pretty damn effective.

Never bring a kelp to a javelin fight. Yeah. Good advice. Well, I sure am. Mel Gibson and Buddha goes just him screaming, I'll burn God, Danlem, Dineam to the ground, but blow me first. The fuck? Yeah. You guys remember when Mel Gibson was in a movie about using mind reading to trick ladies into fucking him?

Yes. Chicken run. Mel Gibson was in a movie about using mind reading to trick ladies into fucking him. Yes. Chicken run. Yes, he lied. Chicken. I gotta rewatch that movie. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm gonna rewatch it with you. So bad. Now. All right. So from there, the Romans made a slow advance in a wedge formation and started plowing through Boudica's army. Eventually it turned into a slaughter that even the most ardent rebel couldn't deny. So the Britons turned to flee.

Unfortunately for them, Keltz had this really fucked up habit of putting their families in a big circle at the back of the battlefield with orders to kill anyone that they saw running away. So that's what happened. The Keltz killed their own families. Yes. I think a giant gave a red rover with hyper realistic red.

Yeah, exactly. What, stop, I'm walking sideways. You're allowed to go sideways. I'm going back. I'm going, great. I'm following you sideways. I'm following you sideways. Mom, you're embarrassing me.

You're embarrassing me. Now, there's a lot of question about what becomes a Buddha after all of this. Not only do the sources conflict here, but sometimes they conflict with themselves. So either she poisoned herself, fell on her sword, got sick and died, died of old age, or died from being lazy. Even the exact location of her defeat is disputed. The one thing we can say for certain is that by now, she's definitely dead. You're not gonna be dead. You're not gonna be dead.

All right, no, I've got to summarize what you've learned in one sentence. What would it be? When Romans come across a woman with undeniable historical significance, they're still only willing to write about what men did in response to her. Apparently. Terribly true.

Okay, are you ready for a quiz from the panel? I am ready. All right, let me go first. Boudica actually lives through the battles. This is a little on fact and went on to retire and write novels. Which one is her most famous novel? A, to book about poetry on the world. Oh,

I'm sorry, miss. Poetry book. B, D, flowers in the Celtics. C, confessions of a chopper hallick or D, T, slay grudge. It's definitely, that was definitely, I've read three of the four so I can't really say about D flowers in the cat, but I'm pretty sure it was T, slay grudge. It definitely was T, slay grudge. Absolutely. I wish I would. Yeah. That's what I wish for.

I wish for each. Yeah. All right, I'll give it a whirl here. Like any good revenge tail, there's a lesson to be learned. What similar stories share the same moral? A, sour rapes, beans, rapes of wrath. Oh, Jesus Christ. Revenge of planet of the rapes.

Okay. Or the felma Louise. It's only one of these I feel comfortable saying something to go with, I'm going to go with B, rapes of rest. You thought I was going to go D and I switched it out on you. It's the last second. It's weird that Tom didn't have a question this week. He does such a good job on these and it's weird that he didn't have one. All week. You know, he does such a good job on these, and it's weird that he didn't have one. All right, Eli, you're next.

All right. It's obvious that would rape. It's obvious that what, that's a weird screen saver you guys have. I don't like to get notes on air. But now it's obvious that what really is on the last was a super cool nickname. So I'm sorry, wait, I want Tom, how much can I have to pay you to turn that into your ringtone? Yes and your big fancy job you're just like Dylan we need to buy all the gold in rape rape

I'll get that in a minute this is pretty important actually Tom why don't you fucking get that? No no I'm making a point. We need to buy stocks in the rip rip rip. I'm telling you to get that. Look, is this about me saying, ma'am earlier? No, no, it's not anymore. It is now actually.

All right. So it's obvious what this army lacked was a super cool nickname. So should they have been called a the non mendables, beef, the VJ team, or see Charlie's Vandals. That is the last one. It's just amazing. Charlie's Vandals is perfect.

Yes. Except for this is the British. So I'm going to go with be the VJ. It was Charlie's Vandals is perfect. Yes. Except for this was the British Idol. So I'm gonna go with Be the Vagendo. It was Charlie's Vandals. I'm a duster with Britons that doesn't make any sense. Naaaay. It's my turn.

It's time. Yeah, timey. Didn't think it all the way through. Eli wins. Yeah, and I choose, which means I get to choose next week's essayist and I choose my best friend in the whole world Cecil. All right. Well for Cecil Eli Noah and Tom. I'm Heath. Thank you all for hanging out with us today We'll be back next week and by then Cecil will be an expert on something else Between now and then you can find more

tragically incorrect pizza assessment with Tom and Cecil on cognitive distance Shouldn't even be using the word, that is R word. That is all you can say, pizza or whatever. Or, if you find their tasted pizza to be wildly racist, you could listen to people who know a pizza from a creamy calzone on the skating a-kissed, skeptic rat, and got awful movies. And if you'd like to help keep the show going,

you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, listen to past episodes, connect with us on social media, we'll take a look at the show notes, you sure to check out citationpod.com. Okay, Brutica, the battle is won. We are victorious. Excellent. Now, round up all the survivors from the town. Yes, my queen.

Kill the men. Absolutely, my queen. And show the women's tits to their mouths. Yes, my queen. Sorry. So the women's tits to their mouths? To their mouths? Yes, it'll strike fear into the hearts of all who follow. Yeah, no doubt, no doubt.

But like, sorry, question. But practically, how do I do that? What do you mean, how do you do that? Sorry, like, do I put it facing in or like, honestly, it sounds a lot more fearsome when you don't, when you don't really break it down into details like this. Sure. Should I still do it?

No, you know what, the moment is kind of ruined now, maybe you shouldn't. Sorry. Hey, what if we sewed their tits to their eyes? Like, like, Google the eyes. No, you know what, just drop it, just drop it. Okay, okay, sorry. Sorry.

Hey, what if we sewed their tits to their eyes? Like, like, Google your eyes. No, you know what, just drop it, just drop it. Okay, okay, sorry.