Citation Needed - Caligula

Episode Date: March 31, 2021

Caligula (/kəˈlɪɡjʊlə/; 31 August 12 – 24 January 41 AD), formally known as Gaius (Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus), was the third Roman emperor, ruling from 37 to 41. The son of the popular Roman general Germanicus and Augustus's granddaughter Agrippina the Elder, Caligula was born into the first ruling family of the Roman Empire, conventionally known as the Julio-Claudian dynasty.

Oh, kidding. It took me like seven episodes before I was hooked like forever. It felt like forever. So like finding out there are ice zombies and not seeing them for four seasons forever. Okay, it wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad. Easy there in case you guys whoa girl, just just stay still. I'm gonna be so fast. Like honestly, you lie. Oh my god. Why is there a horse? What are you doing? Oh AC? So this week's essay is on Caligula And I was just gonna write a horse tell me it was right horse In a way, I mean I was gonna write it. You know what I mean, right you what now? But you know how much do you love this horse? So I was just gonna you know love this horse Unfortunately, we do.

Eli, let's go over why this is a bad idea. Kind of busy. Well, okay, but first of all, that horse is not even gonna, no, you're in there. I mean, it's not. It's not. Secondly, that horse is a boy. It is?

Very much so. Think it has an arm-sized cock under there. You don't see that? But honestly, I thought that was it's, you know, man in a boat. You thought that the wagon 15 pound cock on its undercarriage was a glitter? I don't know everything about horse anatomy. Okay, Noah? Not everyone has some kind of squire that clues us into this stuff.

Cecil? That's not what a squire does, but again, Ely, Caligula didn't fuck his horse, man. Are you kidding me? Oh, you wanted to make it a senator, but that is besides... I think, see, that's why I was confused. See, if he's a senator, I'd have to worry about him fucking me. Okay, all right, that does have one hell of a stimulus package, though. The thing I got a stimulus package. Yes, sir.

The thing I got a boy one. Hello and welcome to CitationNeeded, the podcast where we choose a subject read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Noah Lucien, and I'm going to be lured and over this episode, but to do that right, I need a couple of court officials. First up are two men who seemed interested in being lictors until they found out how that was spelled, Heath and Tom. I know what that word means.

I looked it up and no shit, it says the origin of that word is a trusskin. So I am boycotting this joke. No, no, no. They're news people. They're a swatting. We're the news paper. Okay, all right, all right. And also, are you boycotting modern society news paper. Okay, all right, all right.

And also, Are you boycotting modern society? Because that's a trust in an origin, too, buddy. Just like you know, Arches, all of sculpture, they invented the idea. It's pretty much the best, only the good stuff. You know, it's still can't be made to this day.

To this day. It's possible. No, it's gonna do an entire terrifying thing, right? Yeah, exactly. still can't be made to this day. To this is possible. Okay. Correct. No, it's gonna do an entire, terrifyingly correct. Exactly. And also joining us, too bad would be excellent chancellors.

If anyone's gonna figure out how to chancel Eli and she's no way, no, I don't wanna be another victim of chancel culture. Right. Look, it's right here on page 86 of D.D.'s and demigods, Chancellor Moore. Right here. She's just right.

Amazing. We're in place the best season. Oh, but she said does it. It's funnier. I got it. Jack, how do I turn from that to asking people to pay us for this? I want to thank our patrons. If it weren't for you guys, Eli's weekly illusions to horse

fucking would be much sadder. Even sadder. So learn how to join their ranks. Be sure to stick around to the end of the show with that out of the way. Tell us heath. What person placed in concept phenomenon or event? What would be talking about today? We're going to be talking about Emperor, Caligula. All right. Cecil, you read the article. Are you ready to feign expertise? I read an entire Wikipedia article. How dare you, sir? How dare you? All right, so get us started.

Okay, one note before we start. Or not, or whatever. Okay, all right, yeah, she's over 20. It's fine. A lot of what was written about Caligula was written about a hundred years after his death. It was also written by Suetononius, a guy probably exaggerated the most salacious parts of the Emperor's life.

Some tales we hear about Caligula are probably slightly or partially true, but shouldn't be considered a hundred percent fact, and this is true for a lot of ancient history. If you have multiple contemporaneous sources, it's much more reliable, but in this case, we don't have that. Right, and let's keep in mind that even a lot of contemporaneous sources from this time period start with stuff like, so I'm giving his brother's mom was a wolf. Colligula or more properly, Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus was the Roman Emperor from March 37 AD to January of 41 AD.

He's known for his crazy accesses into botry, being a ruthless leader, fucking his sister, nominating his horse for console, and fitting all that into four years. Yeah, Cecil turns out four years is plenty of time to squeeze in a lot of evil shit. I mean, we should take this. I'm taking this. Four years. What is that? All right. Anyway, move on. Move on. The fact that we know who this guy is today, after nearly two millennia, is a testament to his popularity, his intemperance, and how much his enemies hated him. I'd like to emphasize that he was known for his crazy accesses into barterie on the scale of Roman

emperor. Right. Right. Yeah. Also, I guess I would like to mention the sister fucking. I'm interested about that aspect of that thing about me now. I'm just a fucking man. I mean, that was the thing about you before.

It's not, it's just, it was, now it's part of the podcast. It's, it's not important. It's important. Can you go back to the noodle stuff? There's nuance to it. Everybody's like of a podcast It's not important. We can go back to the noodle stuff. There's new ones to it. We're like the noodles. There's new ones. Thank you, Tom.

You agree. You get it. Doesn't count if it's a step in front of it. Whatever. Anyway, thank you. That's what I'm saying. Thank you. That's it.

They're acting. It's important. I like Cecil. I forgive me for supporting the audience. I'm like, I'm digging. Every time I say that, if I get into this now, it's going to get real into Cecil, forgive me for supporting you. I'm digging every time I say that. If I get into this now, it's, I'm going to get reeled into Cecil. These. No, I want you to finish actually.

No, I've done. No, I'm not. So I'm going to do the same video. Okay. Now. To start the story, we need to touch a backstory on Rome. Stahl starts with the Atraskins. No, okay.

So Rome was a republic for about 500 years before Julius Caesar. Caesar, while a powerful dictator, is not really considered an emperor. His heir, Gaius Julius Caesar Octavinus, more properly known as Augustus, was the first emperor of Rome. He ruled for just about 40 years and was succeeded in a power grab by a stepson, Tiberius Caesar Augustus. Yeah, a sea so you also missed great salad and a hell of an obfuscate. Right.

Just. Yeah. Now, Tiberius could certainly make an assay on his own. According to legend, he was an unbelievably ruthless dude, also known for his debauchery. He spent a lot of his time away from Rome in Capri, and he had his underlings do his work for him back home. That work was basically purging the Senate if any individuals powerful or wealthy enough to appear as a challenge to the emperor, then divesting them of their wealth and exiling or killing them. Supposedly,

his island sanctuary on Capri was basically a fuck dudge in it. And some stuff went on that I can't really relate on an explicit show. But you would go ahead and relate it anyway. I'm just gonna, I'm not gonna relate at all. There's some stuff there seriously, some stuff I was just like that. I can't include that. Definitely not hard to become the father. But I will say that tons of orgies and the ages are pretty fucking shocking. For instance, one story is he had a group of young, we'll call him men, but you know what I mean, young men, he called his fishes and they would swim between the thighs when he

was in the pool and they would nibble on his genitals. There's so much more than that, but I'm just going to stop right there. Okay, why do they keep saying Marco though? That doesn't make any sense. To be fair, peanut butter wasn't have been until 1890. more than that, but I'm just gonna stop right there. Okay, why do they keep saying Marco though? That doesn't make any sense. It's really like that. Well, to be fair, peanut butter wasn't have been until 1895. Yeah, right.

So how you gonna know how to do it? So much. You know, the origin story for those fish pedicures feels way darker. So just fucking way darker. Wait, you can get fish to pedicure you? Right? I'm surprised.

You don't know about this? I don't know about this. You don't know about this. Put your feet in a bath of water. And these little fish come up and nibble the net skin. It's getting away. Yeah. Fuck you. If you try to put your penis or balls in there, the lady is so strong.

It's fucking great. I actually got her convicted. I saw what you're very funny. Sounds great. Thanks for the tip though. Yeah, I thought it was. Yeah. Yeah, that is not what she said. Tiberius was also a supposed sadist

and reveled in murdering and torturing people. That sounds bad, but if you're going to do it like, I wouldn't want you not to be into it. You know what I mean? That's just I mean, get into assault. Get into it. You know, I mean, that's just I mean, that's in the salt to get into it. Right. I mean, Jesus. Yeah. When I was doing research for this, I came across one story. We would have people

chucked over the edge of the cliffs on his estate down under the rocks, filled into the water below. And if you happen to survive the fall, he had boats of Roman soldiers that would row over to you and finish you off with the ors. Yeah. What the what? So dying like this was also like a total huge bummer in religious realm because your remains can be recovered.

Right. Yeah. Bummer. It just feels like those guys, the soldiers in the boat. I feel like they're mad. They had to use ores. That's a weird specific thing that they're on you. So you're just like, can we get him a higher cliff? My arms are killing me. It's just a spears. We have spears. We're a soldier. Poke. Poke. It's not.

This is just so slow. My emotimisachi pedals out there beats up. There's like one Japanese loris in the audience. He's going to love that that joke. He's gonna love the more beat him to death. He's gonna love it. The greatest swordsman in history. So, Tiberius is not very popular with the regular people either. Unlike Augustus, his predecessor, he was not building any grand buildings

and having huge gladatorial games for the masses, and he didn't really do anything to please them. Well, he gave him some of his genitals to nevertheless. Yeah. So, back to Caligula. He's born to some very important people in Rome. His mother was Agropina the Elder, and she was Emperor Augustus' granddaughter. His father was Germanicus Julius Caesar, adopted son of Tiberius. In fact, in order for him to actually become the Emperor in order for Tiberius to become

the Emperor, he had to adopt Germanicus. Now, both of these people, Agrippina and Germanicus were superstars of the blue is blood and Rome. So it's natural to think that one day Germanicus would replace Tiberius as emperor. Yeah, Germanicus sounds like if you let your six-year-old name the pet German Shepherd. That is a bullshit name. German, German, every Roman name man, every Roman title, bullshit. Germanicus himself was a badass general.

He controlled about one third of the Roman legions and was responsible for winning some major battles against the Germanic people. If you're wondering, he got the name Germanicus because his father had several victories in Germany and it was awarded to his father posthumously. One of the reasons he's so popular was that the Germans had ambushed the Romans in the Tudoburg forest. The Germanic army kicked the shit out of the Romans and took three of their battle standards, the Golden Legionary Eagles.

A few years later, Germanicus comes back with several legions, won the battles against the Germanic tribes and took back two of the three Eagles, which I guess the German tribe just carried around with them. Oh, yes. The good old days when military battles were just much more violent games that captured the thing. Yeah, a lot of people don't know this Eli, but Bellum Romalam actually translates to good old days.

That's what it was. See, it was in the Roman military encampments that Caligula was raised. He was something of a mascot to the soldiers and his mother had a tiny Roman soldier outfit made form right down to the sandals or a calligay. So his nickname is basically little soldier booties. That's a yes, that's a small. He could probably you could probably imagine that no one would ever call on this to his face and it survives as the way we know this guy. I would know because the space is dust. Yeah. I don't know.

Well, it survives as the way we know this guy part. And it partly stuck as his moniker because there's so many people with the first name Gaius that it needs to be differentiated in some way. All right, I gotta be honest, the name was something about like mouth fucking and lettuce in my head. Collegula was something related to my own lettuce. And it, okay, it's little soldier, booty fever. After Colligula's father's victory in Germany, he was sent to Asia, something like a second

in command of the Empire. In doing so, they ruffled the feathers of the people that were already in charge there. Germanicus dies under mysterious circumstances two years into his rule in the east, something that it was this Syrian governor, Piso, that he undercut when he was installed as ruler there. Others think that it was the emperor, a Tiberius that had empoisoned because he was overstepping his bounds. Either way, dude dies and Tiberius doesn't want his now widow, Agra Pina, to marry. You know, say what you will about the Roman emperor system, but they had turned. They had turned. They figured that out. Yeah. Man, I wish Donald Trump

had a term limit like this. Cheese. Come not to praise Joe Manchin. If that's a felony, they have to know a lot of Shakespeare. I'm not in trouble unless they read the whole bunch of it. I'm fine. You don't have to. That's high school level of Shakespeare. I like everybody knows that one. Again, still. I feel like two McConnell, two, you're saving West Virginia anyway. You can drive right through West Virginia. Agrippina accuses Tiberius of being involved in the death of her husband, and he exiles her inner two sons. Her exile is basically a death sentence. At one point, the Roman soldier's beater and she loses an eye. Jesus.

She stayed in exile until her death two years later. She either starved herself to death in a hunger strike or they withheld food to make it look that way. One of her sons, Nero, not that Nero, would be exiled and then died or convinced to kill himself. And her other son, Drewsis, was imprisoned and then died three years later. Now this family was absolutely adored by the public. This was the granddaughter of Augustus, and Germanicus was something like a Roman Alexander

the great that died too young. If the public hated Tiberius before, they really fucking hated him now. Yeah. Dude was George R. Martin before it was cool. So, I left George R. Martin ripped all his shit off of anyway. So, do you understand? So, Caligula and his sisters at this point are basically in the care of Emperor Tiberius on the island of Capri.

This is where a few of the old historians suspect that he was corrupted by the Emperor. It's also suspected that he was brought here to be basically tortured and possibly even killed by Tiberius. Now, Caligula wasn't stupid and he knew this. So he just had to keep his head down and ate whatever shit sandwich Tiberius served to him. According to Suetonius, a historian writing about Caligula,

quote, never was there a better servant or a worse master. And quote, I bet he was allowed to leave his workstation to pee though. I mean, Shoe Donius couldn't have known about that. You know, at a time. Right. Sure. This actually works in a few years after he comes into the care of Tiberius, he basically has made joint air to the emperor with, and it's in a joint with Tiberius' grandson.

Things go pretty well, I guess, for Colligial at this point. He's given a ceremonial title and he lives large on Capri with his uncle. At age 77, Tiberius died or was murdered. They suspect that he was smothered with a pillow, but nobody really knows. What we do know is that everyone was pretty happy about the whole thing, including the new half emperor, Colligula. I like the idea of half emperors. Just the two of them doing power moves the whole time, trying to like one another. The rigs is thrown to be a spinny chair with hydraulics.

So good. Another half emperor. First thing the Colligula does is reverse all the positions and decrees of Tiberius. Tiberius is basically hated by the people and the ruling class. So everyone is super happy about that. Now one thing that gets reverse is the whole half emperor thing. That's gone. How is that gone? Like what happened to the other guy?

Was it like a no-baxies move? This like, it was a, it was it all enough. He can't just push them out. He can't triple-stamp, double-stamps. Oh, no, that, right. That's the origin of that is Rome. Yeah. Well, the Etruscans actually, but. God damn it.

No, newspaper. Tom's gonna get an Etruscan clicker. Just say it. Oh, okay. So also gone are the trees and trials and axiles that Tiberius was famous for. He gave stimulus checks to the military. He brought back people in exile. He lower taxes on the people hurt by taxes the most.

He tore down statues and other monuments dedicated to Tiberius. The people loved him because of his lineage and because he wasn't the previous emperor. They called him our baby and our star. In the first three months, the public rejoiced by sacrificing 160,000 animals to him in his new reign. Yeah, but ancient Roman Eli was still whining on Twitter, like, well, how do we have 15 dinars an hour? I think it's bullshit.

All the birds are the same. Oh, Eli, it's me on the item. Pay analogy, A. You say this? Oh, you like it's me on the item pay analogy a If Joe Biden wants to fuck his sister that is Anything you'll get more enthusiastic support from one fifth of this Oh me, oh you don't about me. Oh, yeah, I was wondering There is because it's a thing that's been established at it and I whatever I mean persona classic me

He's tall and like steps sisters. It's like yeah, yeah, yeah, and it was great And the noodle thing no sorry I've forgotten about that awesome complimentary thing where I have some association with noodles. Great. That's almost the whole personality. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. You're welcome. Glingin' what makes a big deal about going to get his mother's remains from the island he was that she was exiled to. He gets her body and then takes it to the tomb of Augustus. See, Augustus and Julius Caesar were both deified by the public. So grabbing his mother's body and putting it in a place where gods are buried is really great PR for the young emperor. He does other things to endear him to the public too. He starts holding gladiatorial games for entertainment. He starts giving money away. He'd literally walk

into a crowd with coins minted with his face on them and throw them to the people. And unlike the time Eli gave us all Bosnick bucks, these are actually worth something. Okay. It is not my fault that you never picked anything from the prize box. It was where the prize box was located. I didn't really like everything in the prize box was sticky. Very obviously you use that. That's why prize. All this goes really well for him to at first, not the prize box

Collegiate. But, but this is citation needed. So that can't last forever. All right. So with the lighter side of Collegiate, out of the way, we're going to take a little bit for some apropos of nothing. Okay, here comes another one. Oh, please tell me how to answer that. Sometimes just let it let it make rock and die. Nope, right in the fucking water. Just, okay, stay under, stay under, stay under. Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive!

Nope, he's very much alive. Ah, damn it, fine, okay. I'll row youth whack. Ah, I see a boat coming this way. I'm safe! Thank Jupiter! I mean, don't get me wrong, but there's just gotta be a better way to handle this. There has to be, this is ridiculous. Thank you. This is absurd the way you do. Gentlemen, let me on your boat. I require your assistance. I mean, it's not even...

Ow! Oh! It's not even poked... Stop hitting me! Ow! Like, oh! Who is this even poked? Right? Exactly, exactly. At least when there were lions and stuff everybody got to watch

Yeah, it was entertainment. Yeah, and a warning right this is just fucking weird All right, I think that last one did the trick you can you can roast back Oh, okay, I just got a goose egg. Oh, sorry check that Damn it. Oh, that's gonna smart I just got a goose egg. Oh! Sorry, check that, we got her. Oh, that hurt. Oh, that's gonna smart. Can we use a sword? [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ And we're back when we last left off.

Collegula was going around right and all the wrongs. It was predecessor. And to this point, nobody knew it was just to make room for all new ones. So I guess it's about that time. Give us a dark turn here, Cecil. Everything's going well for him. And then he gets really sick, really, really sick. It takes quite some time for him to recover,

and now a lot of historians point to this sickness as his turning point. Others say that the timelights don't really match up very well. The latter say that his sickness and his crazy shit that he starts doing our couple years apart. Some have speculated that his sickness made him realize his mortality. Others say that he was poisoned and that made him vulnerable, or it could be

that the sickness affected his mental state. Or finally, it could have been that his illness was one of the many puzzle pieces that made him the person that he is. Regardless, after he recovers, he's definitely a different person. Caligula goes after Tiberius' son, the guy he was supposed to be haves his emperor with. He accuses the guy of taking antidote for poison. Now, sources say that the guy was just taking something for his cough, but the implication of taking antidote was that it was a backhanded accusation

of Caligula and thus treason. So Caligula orders the guy to kill himself. And that leads to one of the most baffling things I've read on Wikipedia. Quote, soldiers gave him a sword and had to help him because he has said not to have known how to kill himself with it. And quote, what? Why are you stabbing yourself? Stop stabbing yourself.

Actually, actually, start stabbing yourself. Yeah. Oh, stabbing. Yeah, that makes more sense. And no way I was going to swallow that. And I saw it in a magic. And he seemed fine. And we get this guy in the or I feel like maybe in the or. So while he's sick, some of the ruling class had made public statements. One said that they would become a gladiator if Colligula recovered.

The other said that the gods could take his life for Colligulas. When he got better, Colligula held them both to their promises, forcing one to find the gladiatorial arena and the other to kill themselves. Yeah, the Mika Wish Foundation had an ironed out all the kinks yet. You guys know you know, that's just call them and ask for things. You're like, sick, you're a kid. I don't know. The lady on the phone was so woof.

I was like, what's happening? You know, I just slapped down the results for his latest physical, gives him that, what's a guy got to do? What? What's shit about the Make-Wish Foundation? If let's say a kid, you know, they get to do the first picture to baseball game, right?

It's part of the Make-Wish Foundation. But then they get cured of leukemia. Do they take it away? They make the, they get to do the first picture baseball game, right? As part of the Make Wish Foundation. But then they get your word of leukemia. Do they take it away? They make the, they make it back. Yeah, they make them, they make them stand on the mountain. They throw the ball as hard as they can. They throw the ball back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they get your throw it back.

I did not see that coming as the answer. That man can actually recover and they threw him in jail. They come home because of the gentleness. Collegialist starts building pleasure purges. and they threw him in jail. Because vigilante is. Collegialist starts building pleasure barges. Now, now some of these were dug up in the last century when Mussolini was in power in Italy and then subsequently bombed in World War II. In any case, small parts of these ships are still accident. These ships were said to be the ultimate in luxury.

They had poles in them, dining rooms, open decks, so like a regular modern cruise, but without the noravirus. He also is said to have taken a bunch of barges and warships and tied them together in the Bay of Baya. And then he put on the breastplate of Alexander the Great. And he rode his horse up and down the two miles worth of boats he tied together.

Supposedly he did this because a sucedor had said that he had no more chance of becoming emperor than riding a horse across the Bay of Baya. There you go. That was a really long message on his magic ape, Paul. Really had a squint to really hold that. Usually that one makes so little sense. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. His horse is also a major player in the story. His horse's name was Enkatatus, which means really fast in Latin. Oh, for five, named by the same six year old who named German. Yeah. His horse's name is Roombroomb. That we're going with that.

That's for sure. That's for sure. Clip clop. going with that. Clip clop. No, wait, that's it. The horse was fed oats with gold in it. It lived in a, the metal. It lived in a marble, sat in a way, the gold. I don't get it at all.

Right? I don't get it at all, but evidently it had oats and gold flake. I don't know. It's like, Oh, my teeth all the time. I wonder if it's like when you're at the bar and you call the gold slager lady over, if they just had the light underneath the oats and they shined it while they're walking to the bar. This horse lived in a marble stable with plush pillows in purple draperies. He had his own servants. The horse would invite dignitaries to the house, but I'm not sure how many hoof

stops it takes to follow an invitation. I don't know. The horse at a collar made of precious stones in it, and supposedly Caligula made the horse a priest. The pony Fickish Max. Fantastic. Very good. It's also said that he was maybe planning on making the horse a console.

Now some of this stuff is disputed and maybe misinterpreted over time. It might have been that it was just a running joke at the time. He could have been saying something like, this horse would have made a better console than a lot of you. But later historians took it as fact. Yeah. And to be fair, my pug would be a way better senator than most actual senators. Yeah.

So I can't think of that. And your pug has about as much political power as the console did during colligial is right. It might have also been a prank too, which if you look at some of the other things he did might have been on brand. Rome was always looking for some kind of victory parade, which they call the triumph. And these would happen after Rome came back from conquering our war. I guess at one point the public was hungry for one of these victory dances, so he took his troops to the border with Germany.

Then he made some of his German mercenaries cross the border and then have a mock fight with his troops. And then he came back to Rome. He took some Gauls, died their hair, and then pretended they were captured Germans. But then why have the fake fight? Yeah, it's called commitment to the bit. I think I gained all this weight because I wanted to. No commitment. You're doing a bit.

We had a force feed mango nectar to Eli like a frog brought new eggs into that size and kid me. Yeah, you're a method bot pastor. Okay. The Christian bail of the past. They do say that about me for a perv of life. He also took some soldiers to the

English channel, claiming that he was going to conquer Britannia. But when he got to the shore, he told his troops to go to the water and collect the spoils of the sea or sea shells. Oh, I thought you were going to say encyclopedias. Some historians aren't sure if he was trolling people back then. And instead, we may be missing some context of the situation.

Pretend I've got that. It might have also been that he was not well mentally from his illness. Either way, Roman soldiers collected seashells in their helmets and that's kind of adorable. You know, Daniel opens up a letter from him and it's just, okay, a starfish with its toe cut off. What? A threat? So he claimed he was a god too, which was something of a faux pas.

I guess the Romans were totally cool at deifying you when you were dead, but this is totally against the rules when you're still alive. Collegally didn't care much and he built an elevated footbridge between the palace and the temple of Jupiter, which both physically and symbolically connected him with a place of worship and Godhood. Well, you know, it's almost like his dad kicked a shit out of an awful lot of disorganized barbarians. It's a bad qualification for leadership.

It just shamed the world. It was literally never learned that fucking. He turned the palace into a brothel, according to ancient historians, and he didn't just employ regular prostitutes. He had women of noble birth that he staffed the place with, and that was not taken lightly. He would also just invite powerful people over, take their wife into another room, bang them, and then come out talking about what a lousy lay the woman was. All right, everybody, keys in the bucket, you know how it works. All right. And this is

my bucket of keys now. So I'll do you all to. So I think about it while I go. He killed quite a few people too. Some for treason, some for mere amusement. Here's a quote, quote, once at some games at which he was presiding, he was said to have ordered his guards to throw an entire section of the audience into the arena during the intermission to be eaten by wild beasts because there was no prisoners to be used and he was bored and Jesus wait, man. What was it the intermission? What was more exciting than the intermission?

I can see how that would be awkward. Gee, Dad, thanks for taking me to the Coliseum. These are such great seats. You bet they are, son. Cost me a pretty penny. Oh, hey, look. The emperor is waving at us. Cool. Just get fucking heated into the audience with the rest of the people in the ridiculous.

The worst kiss camera. Where the jumbo troll? That's not true. One jumbo troll. That's not one of the tigers is just dancing out there. Just in the wives. Yeah. He had four wives in his short life. One of them he stole from a prominent senator the night of their marriage. He forced her a day or two afterward and then he forbade her to have any relations with

her former fiance. Jesus. When she did, he exiled them both. To his fourth wife, he would whisper when he kissed her, I can have your throat cut. Anytime I please. Okay. I gotta be honest, I've been that fourth wife. Yeah, something.

So I would say, be like, imagine if I just sliced your head off right now. I don't know what to say. So Colligial is favorite saying was let everyone hate me so long as they fear me. I guess in order to get people to fear him, it's said that he would stand in front of a mirror in his palace for hours trying to make himself look mean or horrible hours. Yeah. I believe the first hour doesn't do it. You're wasting the remaining hour. Now, probably the most scandalous thing in ancient Rome's eyes is that he's accused of insist.

Supposedly, his sister, Drusilla, was his favorite of the three. He's rumored to have pimped out his sisters for prostitution, but again, like the other claims, no one's sure if any of this is true. But he's said to have been an absolute mess when his sister died, but you don't have to be balls deep in someone to mourn them. This is really distasteful though in the ancient world as it is today. And it's something that he's more remembered for than when he starved people in Rome to build dumb building projects.

Oh, I have no comment here. I feel like you're all waiting for me to say something. So while he's the totally the golden boy at the beginning of his reign, by the time there are four years into it, everyone had had enough. The Roman elite hated him because he was constantly disrespectful, both to that class of people and the Roman culture in general. Publicated him now because you just occasionally throw people the wild animals as food. Some of you decided to do something about this. Oh shit. So I was like, one star reviewed.

The Praetorian Guards were elite Roman soldiers that were also the personal bodyguards the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the a bath after he saw a play. Is that like a normal thing? Well, it was a dirty, but I'm going to do an entire essay on Roman baths now. You know, it's a really good acting. I would like to go to a public basin of water. That'd be great right now. So much. Oh, you'd venture park guy. It doesn't want to walk. So he's walking down this, this corridor, he comes across the Praetorian Guards and then they just stab him in the throat and a bunch of other places rendering him non-functional. They then they went to his house and then they killed his wife and young daughter. This is why you're murder of innocent's tyrant. Okay, now let's go kill his father. And his infant daughter too. Yeah. It's gonna bad after that too. It's said that some of the senators at this point that wanted them taken out were actually

looking to reinstall the Republic. This point, they're less than a hundred years out from Rome becoming a single ruler government and going back to the old way might have actually been doable. The people they needed to be on board with it would have been the military though, specifically the Praetorian Guard. Praetorians were actually just fine with the monarchy, and after they killed the wife and daughter, they found Collegula's uncle Claudius hiding behind a curtain at the palace. And they basically saw a weak ruler that would fit perfectly in place, so they told them

he was going to be emperor and he listened. Yeah, that had to be a weird job interview. Well, that was a good day. No, yeah, good stabbing. Yeah, I like killing that kid. We don't do that kind of thing enough. You know what? You're right.

You're right. But you know how it is. Time gets away from you. I know, I know. We gotta fix that. We can put it in the calendar. In the calendar. Ah!

I don't remember when we used to kill women and children every weekend. Now look at us. Look at us. We need a calendar to do that. No, I know. I know. It's just wait, wait, did you hear that? Here what?

It was a Russell from behind the curtain. You know what I did. Hey, you behind the curtain. Um, yes. Hey, what did you just hear? Oh, nothing. Nothing. Yeah, that sounds right.

Yeah. Hey, you want to be emperor? What if I say no? We will stab you. Yes, yes, yes. Yes. It's a house Thursday. I knew Thursday.

It's pretty much just like that. Yeah, actually. It's hilarious because because Caligula kept his uncle around to make fun of him. Like literally kept him around as like a like just a whipping boy. Yeah, just a he just because Claudius was a Claudius was lame. So he had like I guess part of his body didn't work right. And he stuttered. And so they thought he just thought he was just like,

hilarious to make fun of. And there's actually a lot of speculation that Claudius just pretended to be, pretending to be, and then he started and everything show that he wouldn't be seen as a threat. So he would get killed. Yeah, yeah.

Super smart move. Yeah, he's a pretty good emperor too, actually. Well, unless you were Jewish, yeah. Yeah, yeah, he's a pretty good emperor too, actually. Well, unless you were Jewish, yeah. Yeah, well, Rome would be ruled by Claudius, Rommel's 14 years, and he'd do a pretty respectable job unless you were Jewish. And then a guy named Nero would become emperor, and that is a story for another day.

All right, so if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? I'll never look at the phrase, if wishes were fishes the same way again. Now I won't either. Okay. Are you ready for the quiz, sir? I am. Let's go. All right. Cecil, being emperor of Rome is a pretty good job, except not be seriously or see they all get murdered. Yeah, I think it's a secret answer. D all the about God. All right. All right. Cecil, what's the title of the biography of the horse that had too much political power?

had too much political power. Hey, secretariat of state. You can't believe me. Mayor of Crazy Town, mayor. Oh, no, mayor. See, mayor, so good. See, watch me majority whip. Now watch me nay nay. Nay.

Quit saying that. Hey, wait. Or D. The life and times of Ann Coulter. And Coulter's a double there too, I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it.

I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it.

I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it. What's the best part of being emperor? Hey, people have to rub your shoulders when it's not your birthday.

You're not the way for anyone to sing to have cake, which feels like a weird fucking punishment for you is your cake. We can see finally giving your horse the treatment of dysorics. Or Dean, as much mean face practice in the mirror time as well. You talking about it? I think I I'm gonna go with the mean faces. I think it's the mean faces, they do. Oh, I am sorry.

It's secret answer, E, ruling over everyone and everything you ever see. Yeah. Honestly, you should have gotten that one. She's gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna make Eli our winner this week. Woo, all right. I want next week's ass ass. You know, he talked a lot of smack this week. That one season, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say,

I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say,

I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm Between now and then you can find more Cecil by checking out his cooking show season liberally You can find more of Tom and Heath on their new show eating all that shit that looks awesome that Cecil just cooked You can find more Eli on his new show staring

And obviously at Heath and Tom as they eat all the delicious looking shit that Cecil just Right Let's keep you in this show you can make a per episode donation patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us a five star review Everywhere you can and if you'd like to get in touch slash citation pod or leave us a five star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod dot com. I don't know.

I guess I'm just, I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shooter drop. Like I feel like I don't know what I'm going to do if podcasting falls through. Yeah, no, you're right. You're right. I'm just... I don't know how to get rid of that worry, you know. You are such an amazing listener. And Cudler. Yes, and that too.

Naughty. And that too, naughty.