Citation Needed - Casanova

Episode Date: February 13, 2019

Giacomo Girolamo Casanova (Italian pronunciation: [ˈdʒaːkomo dʒiˈrɔːlamo kazaˈnɔːva; - kasa-]; 2 April 1725 – 4 June 1798) was an Italian adventurer and author from the Republic of Venice.[1][2] His autobiography, Histoire de ma vie (Story of My Life), is regarded as one of the most authentic sources of the customs and norms of European social life during the 18th century.[3]   Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

All I said was he's a good coach. That's what I said. That's like saying Hitler was a good speaker. He was a good speaker. He literally got caught cheating over and over. Okay, if you're not cheating, you're not even trying. That's a compliment. That's not a catchphrase.

That's not a catchphrase. It is now. Ow, ow, Tom, gentle, gentle. I am being gentle. It'd be gentler. Oh, Jesus, Eli, what happened to you this time? Hey Noah, so you know how today's episode is about Casanova? So I thought, hey, what would be funnier

than if I seduced everyone's wife, right? Like surprise, I seduced your wives. Well, he was to say, that did not go well, as you can see. You tried to fuck our wives? do Cecil don't be crude But I wouldn't have bothered if I had known Sarah could throw a colored pencil that hard. Oh, yeah, she'll get you Yeah, tell me about it and Ali Tom. I mean Sure, I thought like you swing around a pole a little bit and you get flexible She literally kicked me in the face with my own foot,

my own for out, Tom gentler. That is broken now. I need you to be gentle with it. Sorry, I'm not sorry. So, Haley and Sarah beat the crap out of you. Scared to ask, but what did Lucinda do? What did Lucinda do? Lucinda did this.

Oh, Jesus. Yeah, what? Yeah, I gotta be honest with you. What did Lucinda do? Lucinda did this! Whoa! Jesus, yeah, what? Yeah, I gotta be honest with you know what? I cannot understand a single word that woman says, but she had like a little hammer. She just went to town, man. Yeah, that's her, that's her varmant hammer. Your wife has a varmant hammer?

Yeah, yeah, that's real. Okay, so everyone's wife beat the crap out of you, we get it, but he doesn't even have a wife. What did you get your legs broken by heast mom? No, no, no. Fuck the shit out of heast mom. Good. High five, bro. Respect. Hello and welcome to Sitation Needed. The podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, that's how it works now. I'm Eli and I'll be making sweet love to your ears tonight, but I'm going to need four

men to watch me or I can't. First up, two men who make love exactly how you think they do, Heath and Tom. Yeah, together, exactly. Exactly. It's like I'm playing a song on guitar for the first time, not even, but like with the dick. Angry, often on a better money, and that's the only way to travel.

And also joining us tonight, two gentlemen who did weird stuff back when it was against the law ceasel and no uh... and thirty pieces of was a lot of money back all right but let's not let's not act like it's all legal now guys and who's not here and that's exactly honest now before we begin tonight would like to take a moment to thank our patrons much like the subject of tonight's essay without the refined folks who head over to patreon.com slash citation pod and give us money,

we'd be homeless, jobless, and full of sexually transmitted disease. But thanks to our patrons, we're only the third one, right? Okay. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around till the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us know what person-place-thing concept, phenomenon, or event We'll be talking about today Today we'll be talking about Casanova because tomorrow is Valentine's Day and what says romance better than Casanova

Everything That would be that would be the set of all non-casanova things and Tom you gave this the up and down Are you ready to take us to Pound Town? I've been maintaining this erection longer than any doctor outside of Mexico City advises. Eli, let's do this. And if there's anybody who's asked doctors in a multitude of nations about their erections, it's just, it's this normal. Nobody will just say, yes, nobody will just looking for that. Yes. I always want to do a task. I'm backing out of the room like an asshole.

I'm about starting a poll. I will pediatrician. I'm going to fuck you. Well, you guys are the botch doctors. You're supposed to fiction like this. All right, so tell us Tom, as we near Valentine's Day and as we close in on 16 months since the Me Too movement heated up. Who was Casanova? All right.

Casanova or a, Hmm, Geocomo, we're going to go Geocomo, Jocomo, uh, Jirolamo, Casanova was an Italian man whose many exploits has rendered his name nearly synonymous with the word womanizer. And I promise we'll get to all of that, but he was also a famed adventurer and writer. And I think his story is crazy, interesting, even if it is to be fair, somewhat controversial.

Yeah, I can see why it's controversial. He used to wear that red, maga ball cap, make adventuring great again, you know? Or just a quick correction. It's not nearly synonymous when I looked up woman izer in the Thessar's castle, butva did come up as we're the first. But I do think the important thing here is that we not forget that we live in a world less than three centuries removed from one where your job could be adventurer. Yeah. That's fucking awesome. Simpler times.

Or in 1725, inventus to actress mom Zanetta Ferruci and father, Guy Tonocasanova, Jocamo was the oldest of six children. And how's among them the longest Wikipedia page, not that anyone is counting, but his is much longer. I counted. I did count. My page is short, but it has zero margin space. It's fucking super wide.

My page is on Wikipedia and Niagara Falls. He probably haven't read it, but I know. Jocomal castinov was not terribly well accounted for by his parents. His mother left him in the caravan's grandmother to take care of him while she toured around being a famous actress and his father abandoned him by dying when he was eight. Wow. That's rough. Just like, all right, going out for pack of cigarettes, also going to make a rope swing with this stool and rope back in 20. He slowed down. I'm taking notes back in. You said that last. I know as a child, Casanova suffered frequent nosebleeds. And I'm guessing that these things were real fucking gushers because his grandmother took Casanova to a witch for health.

I'm sorry, Tom. Is that really a byproduct of gushiness or? I'm not sure, but she did it anyway. And although the witch's administration has proved to be a pointless waste of time, they had a lasting impact on Casanova, who found the witch to be an object of intense fascination. I'm fine to stack a pentagram house magazines under his bed. I just read it for the letter, is mom.

From the description, it appears they went to the witchiest fucking witch in the west, because she's described as sitting on a palette surrounded by black cats, including one she's petting in her lap in a shitty witch's hovel. And the witch brewed up an ungain, applied it to Casinova's face and recited an incantation. And this of course didn't work. So that's all nonsense. And Casinova was then set off to live in a boarding school because of his nose bleeds. That is a real thing that happened just a room full of kids doing the entrance exam for

that boarding school of bleeding just like and begin. They just punch themselves in the nose with his pencil. Trying to steal blood from the Asian kid. Stop. All right. Boarding schools for fucking bleeding kids or whatever and the 1700s were no picnic. And Casanova beg to be taken in by his instructor to escape the appalling conditions of that boarding house. The instructor, Abbie Gozzy consented, unlike Casanova, who was molested at the age of 11 while in his care by gozies. Sister.

Now, for his part, Casanova described the situation sum up more romantically, noting, quote, it was she who little by little kindled in my heart, the first sparks of a feeling which later became my ruling passion. Yeah, I have no idea what the age of consent laws were in Venice in the 1730s, but that would have been perfectly legal in 37 states up until 1920 because the age of consent was wait for it 10 years old. Jesus. Maybe that's what they mean when they want to make America great again.

You know, guys, I haven't said this, but the thing about Hillary, right, that we need to know, no, no, no. Eli, we already said you're not doing the comment ping pong episode. Try to stop trying to sneak it in during time and stuff. Only one of us are running their topics. But I people, she's just to your personal biography time. Yeah, you are. Yeah. I know. Casanova for his party excelled in school. No additional word on the nosebleeds. And he entered university at the age of 12, graduated at 17 with a degree in law, though he professed to having a, quote, incomparable aversion to the subject, but which he pursued at the insistence of his guardian.

While at university, he studied moral philosophy, chemistry, and mathematics, but he was deeply interested in medicine. Though perhaps for reasons a little too info wars for comfort, or as he put it, quote, I should have been allowed to do as I wished and become a physician in which profession, quackery is even more effective than it is in legal practice. Oh, yeah, being the doctor is the best. Anyone questions you? And you practice. Oh, I'm, yeah. Being the doctor is the best. Anyone questions you and you're just like, I'm sorry, are you the doctor here? Well, Eli, you, you do that anyway though.

I do. I do. It works well everywhere except to hospital. No, it was at this time that Casanova began to engage in one of his many lifelong loves, gambling. And unlike other talents he may have had, no of his many lifelong loves gambling. And unlike other talents he may have had, no one is actually good at gambling except except for Heath, who is great at gambling. So castinova millenialed his way back to Venice, which meant that he

moved back in with his grandmother after leaving universities saddled with massive amounts of debt. No word yet on whether or not he voted still out. He said law degree and gamble. You're right. This guy loves getting fucked. All right, it was now that Casanova began to take on many of the trades he would later receive fame and a long Wikipedia entry for Casanova began his transformation from just kid with a nosebleed to a dandy. Well, that's kind of a natural transition. They both put hankies up to their faces. So it makes sense.

I would dandy sounds like it was a 1700s way to say hipster. And like many hipsters, Cass and Nova realize it was better to have someone else pay for your life instead of, you know, earning it yourself. So he found his first sugar daddy or they called him patrons, but taken in by 76 year old center, Alvis Casparo Melpiero. Castanova began his education in the finer things in life. He learned about good food and good wine. He learned how to behave in polite society and how to seduce the love interest of his

patron, which he did and which got both of them kicked out of the center's house. Huh. So kind of like the Cato Caelin of his time. I'll leave you. Solid. Solid OJ reference. Thank you. What the fuck do you do as a 76 year old's love interest? Make sure that he's turned up and talk him in after judge Judy. That's a fuck. I mean, it sure as hell is what you do as my love interest. All right, about the same time,

Cassanova had when he described us his first complete, that's in quotes, that's from the article, complete sexual experience. So, you know, hope's not lost. Heath, it's all right. Where he had sex with two sisters, Nenetta and Martin Severnon. I complete every time.

I don't know what that even is. Yes. Also, it used to say sex ox there, and I had a funny joke about sex oxes. Oxen, but now I'm not gonna tell anybody about it. I was after this experience, the Casanova proclaimed that his life evocation was firmly established. He became a premature ejaculation man.

He, Rikon, that's it. I made. I'm done. I love the article names the sisters. Last name. That's somebody's great, great, great, great. I mean, though I get it. I see how you fuck to sisters and you think to yourself, man, I should do this for a moment. All right, at the same time, Casanova was acting as a lawyer for the church, a position which caused him some significant difficulty. And after his grandmother died, he entered the seminary for a short time, but he could not stay away from gambling and he landed instead in prison.

His mother intervened and eventually Casanova found a job as a scribe with a powerful cardel with a difficult to pronounce Italian name in Rome. And this is actually a pretty good job, but one which Casanova was terribly ill-suited for. Yeah, no, he was post-pubescence. His one time upon meeting the Pope, he asked the Pope for permission to read the forbidden books and then asked to be allowed to skip eating fish. He spent his time composing illicit love letters for another cardinal, not the one he worked for, and eventually became the scapegoat for a pair of lovers who blamed their deeds on the semi-natorious Casanova. Now, the cardinal, perhaps sensing that the church had higher scandal standards to work toward

thanks Casanova, would eventually fired him. Now, the cardinal, perhaps sensing that the church had higher scandal standards to work toward. Thanks, Casanova, but eventually fired him. Being a scribe for Love Letters had to be a very highly skilled work. I mean, you have to get this shading just right on the dick before you sons. Yeah. So Casanova needed work and he had a bit of money. But, oh, okay, I'm sorry. He needed work and had money. Those conditions

are incapable of simultaneously happening in and me. So what he did is he purchased for himself a commission to be a military officer for the Republic of Venice, though he was rather more interested in the entire than the efforts of war making. Noting quote, reflecting that there was now little likelihood of my achieving fortune in my ecclesiastical career, I decided to dress as a soldier. I inquire for a good tailor. He brings me everything I need to impersonate a follower of Mars. My uniform was white with a blue vest, a shoulder knot of silver and gold.

I bought a long sword with my handsome cane in hand, a trim hat with a black cockade with my haircut inside whiskers and a long false pig tail. I set forth to impress the whole city. Okay. So basically he dressed like a firefighter and went around the bars in New York City right after 9-11. That's actually a pretty strong move. Hey, nothing pleases the ladies like a black cockade.

I know. He's getting on dress and he takes off his fake hair and the curls just thinking, please don't be a sock down there. Please don't be a sock down there. To shoe. Though impressive a site to be hold, he found the military to be boring and advancement through the ranks far too slow for his liking. So he was just, you know, in the military now, and compensated by gambling away all of his pay and then quitting the fucking military. Unmentioned was whether or not he kept that sweet outfit. Oh, as someone who got fired from Chuck E. Cheese for throwing red hot coins at children,

I can confirm they do not let you keep the outfits. No, but despite Eli's repeated urgings were not going back for it regardless of how unbored George Clooney is. So many live shows we could do. It's a whole thing. All right. His next thought was, of course, to become a professional gambler since I guess he was doing such a bang up job of it in the amateur circuit. He promptly lost all of his money and he had to go begging Elvis Germany for help.

And despite having been burned by his dandy boy toy before, Casanova was helped into his new career as a violinist for the San Samuel theater. Casanova treated the job with all the seriousness of a season of the real world on the Jersey shore. Cassanova quote, soon acquired all the habits of my degraded fellow musicians, often spending our nights roaming through different quarters of the city, thinking of the most scandalous practical jokes and putting them into execution. We amused ourselves by untying the gondolas, moored before private homes, which then drifted with the current. Oh, and he also liked sending doctors and midwives out on fake house calls in the middle

of the night. Classic pregnant lady in a flaming bag trick. They stood the midwives out. There's a bag. Shit. How do you teepee a house before a toilet paper? Did you just touch it with your left hand like what? I'd perhaps things would have continued in this vein had a stroke of bad luck and not

befallen of initial patrieion who was sharing a gondola with Casanova after a wedding ball. The senator became sick and they stopped a gondola to have the senator bled and taken to his palace. He's weakened by this stupid nonsense and his physician's blood him again and then they applied an ointment of mercury which is of course toxic and which made the poor bastard much much sicker. And cast an oven and have only tagged along during this whole ordeal and intervened, removing

that stupid fucking ointment from the guy's chest and cleaning the poison off him. Unpoisoned and then full of the right amount of his own blood, the senator recovered as most people do for most illnesses, although the Senator and his two bachelor friends he lived with presumed that Casanova was wise beyond his years, had intimate knowledge of the occult and they naturally invited him to live in the palace and he pledged to be Casanova's lifelong patron. Hey, so I noticed you're looking for a guy to say, Hey, that's poison. Um, and

I can do that. And, and for a guy to fuck your wife, yes, those are literally the only two bullet points on my resume. This is going to be great. I'm Italian. Oh, cast an over for his party pretty much immediately understood that he'd stumbled upon the golden goose, writing it as memoirs, quote, I decided to put myself in a position where I need no longer go without the necessities of life. And what those necessities were for me, no one could judge better than me. No one in Venice could understand how an intimacy could exist between myself and three men of their character. They all have an eye, all earth. They most severe in their morals and I addicted to every kind of disillute living.

Okay, Tom, if you don't want me living in your house, just say it. You're making it weird. You're being like passive aggressive and like concerning it into the story. Just say like, I think it's that you live in all three of our houses. I have a lot of stuff. I think it's that you live in all three of our houses. You know, I have a lot of stuff. There's four of us. My God. No, but I love that we've just figured it out. Basically, Casanova was the heath of a different subject.

When he asked, are you going to finish that? I get it now. Casanova lived the next three years of his life as a nobleman, dressing in the 1700s going to finish that. I got it now. Casanova lived the next three years of his life as a nobleman, dressing in the 1700s version of Ed Hardy t-shirts, going to parties and gambling like he was practicing to shoot up a country music concert. Fantastic. Fantastic.

Casanova took his lack of responsibility very seriously, getting in trouble for digging up a fresh corpse as part of a prank war. Yeah, that the prank was a grand success because it caused the victim to become paralyzed and to never recover. Okay, so the victim wasn't expecting the corpse to be fresh. That was the surprise. And another girl he pranked accused him of rape and although he was later acquitted, he had to leave Venice and he went to parm. And he went on to executive produce a bunch more pranks after that. Hashtag the two. In parma, he fell in love with Henriette, whom he claimed to love more than anyone else in his life. And while Casanova idolized Henriette, Henriette saw through his shit pretty readily. And J. Rive's child noted, quote, perhaps no woman so captivated Casanova as Henriette. Few women obtained

so deep an understanding of him. She penetrated his outward shell early in their relationship. Mm-hmm. And she resisted the temptation to unite her destiny with his. She came to discern his volatile nature, his lack of social background and the precariousness of his finances. Before leaving, she slipped into his pocket, 500 Louise, mark of her evaluation of him. Damn, keep the change, you filthy animal. Wait, so women gave money to men they rejected back then? Like I said, we were alive in the 18th century and pretty sure we could have bought earth. All right, heartbroken.

Casanova began a whirlwind tinder tour flush with cash from some rare gambling success. He had a traveled and fucked his way across Europe in Leonie became a free Mason, which was a big deal and rather more influential than the pancake breakfast club that it is today. Hey, hey, fun joke. Tom, can we not pick a fight with the literal illuminati? I'm all murdered. I want to be murdered. A cast it over used his connections to further his delight in scandal and sexual escapades, rising to the attention of the police in nearly every city he visited. In Dresden, he wrote a play, which was performed at the Royal Theater, and which his mother

later performed in. He traveled to Prague and to Vienna, though he didn't stay long in these cities because their moral character was rather much harsher than his beloved Venice, to which he returned and promptly fucked his way back into scandal, making enemies of pretty much anyone with a wife or a daughter. His police record became a litany of blasphemies and seductions, fights and controversies. And what was once the rap sheet is now just a step by step model for success on Patreon. At 30, Casanova was arrested for a front to religion and common decency, and he was imprisoned under the leds. The leds was a prison of only seven cells reserved for political prisoners, priests,

monks, and usurers. And it was named for the led-lined plates the prisoners were served their meals upon. Without a trial, or even being told what he was being imprisoned for though hard to imagine. He didn't have some good guesses on his own. Casanova was sentenced to five years. Okay. I feel like they didn't know about lead poisoning yet. So this is just like a really weird punishment from a prison, right? Yeah. You get there in the guards and like here. Have some food. Heavy, isn't it? Isn't it? And here's your balsa wood fork. Go ahead.

Oh, stab yourself in the eye. What? So light. The lead plate is heavy and then we give you the light. Fork. All right. I know hating the lack of things to do and to fuck in prison. Cass and Ovid decided he was going to escape. And I love this part. I love this part so much. He found a piece of black marble and an iron bar, which he smuggled to his cell and he

hid in his room. He spent two weeks. He used a piece of marble to sharpen the iron bar into a spike. And then he used that spike to gouge the wooden floor beneath his bed three days before his intended escape over his obvious complaints. He was moved to a much nicer, lighter, larger cell. All his efforts were for now. Hey, Casinova, you want your floor poster in your new cell?

No, just fucking leave it. Just leave it. Just let me get my paperweight. It looks like a sword. I just want that. All right. So he started trying to escape from his new cell. And this time he traded his iron spike, which he somehow smuggled to the new cell. Don't ask question. Yeah. That's not a prison pocket. That's a prison bucket. Mike. He traded this thing to a renegade priest one cell over and hid the thing. No shit in a plate of pasta. My dad used to run that prank on me. Classic

dad joke. And then the priest used the iron bar to carve a hole in the ceiling of his cell, crawled over, made a similar hole in the ceiling of his cell, crawled over, made a similar hole in the ceiling of Casanova cell. The two then climbed out onto the roof of the Doge's palace where they were imprisoned. They pride open a window, found a ladder and tied no shit, a bed sheet to the ladder and climbed 25 feet down, but they were still inside the palace. Yeah, and then they followed a trail of skittles right back into their own cell. Jesus.

So they rested and then the next morning they changed their clothes, they broke a lock, they walked through the palace, they convinced a guard that they had been inadvertently locked in after hours. And then they basically strolled out to and I am not kidding. Steel and escape gondola eventually fled to parents. Yeah, no, we just got locked in. We were both visiting our identical twins. We've been here all night now. Please let us out.

You're a cartoon rhino. The guy's just calling. He's like, Hey, Casanova, let's use a method to get away that's slower than walking. Right. I'm on in 60 minutes. Yeah, I found this boat over here. The shitty boat with a single fucking ore. Yeah, let's use that one. All right.

Well, it sounds to me like Casanova is going to start tearing down posters with an angry duck. So we'll take a quick break for a little something we like to call Appropo of Nothing. This episode of Citation needed is brought to you by Bachelor Box. Bachelor Box is the only meal delivery service designed for the lifestyle of the sexy single man. Unlike some meal services whose meals are designed by chefs and nutritionists, and would you take minutes to prepare and serve, Bachelor Box was designed for the Bachelor by the Bachelor. But don't take my word for it because I'm married. Heath, are you ready to open

your first month of Bachelor Box meals? I'm fine. I ate a whole block of cheese in the car yesterday on the way home from supermarket. I don't need this stuff. I'm fine. Okay. All right. Come on now. Just go ahead and tell the audience what's on the bachelor box menu tonight. Okay. Well, this looks like it's just a box of cereal and then warm milk next to it. Direction say eat over the sink in your underwear, which is a weird direction. I don't know what else you'd do with that. Vine, choice. And what about Tuesday's meal?

Heath, let's. Tuesday. Okay. Okay. Yeah, this is a good one. This is just, well, let's see. It's a bottle of wild turkey like that and a handful of medicine pills, drug pills. I don't even know what kind they are, just as pills.

No matter what kind, Keith, just give me a second. Nope, does not. I'm not sure that's the point though. All right. And what else is in your bachelor box? Okay. Well, this is great. This is just an extension cord, little paper sack, and a book on knots. Not saying this isn't handy, but it's a weird business model. All right.

Don't badmarth our sponsor, Heath bachelor box, the meal Service, for when bad and worse feel exactly the same. I say, Casanova, have you finished describing my love letter to my secret maiden yet? Almost answer. You just wanted to say You up right? Yes, yes, but to one of those fancy medieval use illuminated and then draw a picture of an eggplant on the bottom An eggplant an eggplant my boy an eggplant. Okay an eggplant Okay, and who did you want me to send this to? Hmm, let's see.

How about every woman we know who gave us their number and the two axes who haven't blocked us, but let's just send it to them. Oh, that reminds me, lady Cantor Clamper just built a moat. Find just one ax of them. And make it twoper just built a moat. Find just one accident. And make it two eggplants and a squirt. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ And we're back.

The last we left, real life Pepe La Pueh, at escaped prison by asking nicely. Tom, what happened next? All right, well, in Paris, he realized he was going to have to try being more selective in his fucking round if he was going to have anything approaching a life. So he resolutely said about to try to find a new patron. He reconnected with the powerful people he had met through his becoming a free mace and he landed the foreign minister of France as his patron.

He, no shit, then became a trustee of the first state lottery and one of its best ticket salesman, which earned him his own fortune, which he used to travel in the best circles in Paris, pretending to have sorcerer powers and also continuing to seduce nearly everyone around him. That's right, ladies. I call him that power ball. Well, I will say the discredit by the end of it, he did find that one way to be a successful gambler. That's true. Castanova pretended to be an occultist, a numerologist, and an alchemist, which actually

made him a rather hot commodity. And he was a hell of a good liar. So it became even more wealthy, built-in fools with this nonsense. And while this was all kinds of fun, Casanova wasn't done yet because it was then that he became a spy. And a real estate developer in Moscow. I'm assuming.

I never met Casanova, but if I did, he signed an NDA, a witch hunt. All right. I just want to back up and be super clear here. Pretending to be an occultist numerologist or alchemist is being an occultist numerologist or alchemist. I know. Casanova was sent to Dunkirk on his first spying mission, although Wikipedia doesn't say much about what he actually did.

As a spy, it most have involved a necessity to employ his generous fucking and gambling skills because from all accounts, it was a great success and he was paid very well for the work. And at the start of the seven years war, Casanova was called upon to serve his country by making said country a bunch of money in Amsterdam by selling bonds. Being Casanova, he managed to turn a fat profit in Amsterdam, growing rich enough to buy a silk manufacturing.

In fact, he made so much money that he was offered French citizenship and a pension if he would turn his talent at getting rich quick to the advantage of the finance ministry. Cassanova declined. I love that. Just, aerobic comment. Want to come con here? I'm not a little raping and he was like, no, thanks, friends. If there's one nation out there recruiting rapy con man.

I know Cassanova probably should have taken that pension because it turns out that he was a horrible, horrible businessman. He quickly ran his company into the ground, took on enormous amounts of debt and spent most of his wealth on liaisons with his female workers whom he referred to as his hero. So pretty much this was madman in a silk pajama factor. Right. Okay. So giant liar, horrible businessman, ran the company to the ground, became a spy, hate off a bunch of women. He fucked. Seriously. This is Trump, but with like slightly more consent. All right. A debt and debauchery finally caught up to cast an oven.

He was thrown once more into prison. Don't tease me, Tom. Do not tease me. I'm sorry, man. This time only for four days before the Marquis intervened and he was again released. Okay, that's going to be so much funnier in archives. Right. I like to plan a lot of seeds like that. Now, the problem is that at this

point is patron had been dismissed by King Louis the 15th and Casanova had made enough enemies, fucking everyone's wives and daughters. It was once again forced to sell everything he had and try another spy mission and hum. It's a tough gig to spy in Holland. You're sneaking around and clicking in those goddamn wooden shoes, you know? You gotta go back to your superiors going like, okay, I'm pretty sure they're going to schmorgen, Morgan. That's only if they're not making this language up the fuck with it. I'm not convinced of that at all.

You just gotta line up. You're walking perfectly with the person you're spying on. Yeah. I got to say like spy in Holland sounds kind of amazing, but it didn't work out for Casanova whose mission failed. And he fled Holland to Cologne and to Stuttgart and there he lost everything that remained of his fortune. And he was once more arrested for owing money pretty much to everybody in Europe at this point. He managed to escape again and fled to Switzerland.

All right, at this point, Casanova was tired. He needed a break from the whining, the dining, the fucking, the running, the imprisonment, the spying, and the fleeing from country to country. So he visited a monastery and he considered the fate of a simple scholarly monk. Which is tired of being imprisoned. So he decided to become a monk. Did he not leave the museum? What the fuck?

It's just walking in. God, man, I guess if there's one place you can be free from sexual scandals that cost a lot of money, wait, sorry, this just in. All right. So in his hotel, no shit contemplating the monastic possibilities, he encountered a woman who had charms such as a vagina. And he instantly fell into lust, abandoned the monk's life to return to debauchery,

moving again from sexual escape to sexual escape, from Marseille to Genoa to Florence to Rome to Naples, Modena and Turin, finally back to Paris. Because if you're fucking all of Europe, no place will surrender to your charms faster than the French. Hey, a reby, come on, man. We knew you'd be back. Hey, you want to give all our juice to the Nazis?

Like, really, just give them away. And in Paris, he convinced the Marquita, or I mispronounced that, I'm sure, that he could use his expertise in the occult to turn her into a young man. This was of course impossible. And who knows which bathroom you'd have to use in the 1700s, even if it worked? Well, I mean, he'd use the bathroom we had for centuries. We were just chitin' and it was fine. And everybody was cool.

So Castanovah lost a good phase of the marquee and left now to try England. He's just doing all the Magician trick, sonnery is pulling handkerchiefs out of a vagina. There's gotta be a dick in here somewhere. No, not there. Another handkerchief. They just keep coming out. Sorry, I'm supposed to be Cubs and balls in this. That was your card though, right?

At least that was. I was. He was in England. He tried to regain his fortune by once again selling lottery tickets though. He might have had more success if he'd also stocked hot Cheetos and cigarettes and cheap trucker speed, but didn't try it. He knew that selling lottery tickets was a big win, only if he could sell them to the English officials. So he sold everything and he had stolen from his prior patron and used it to gain an audience with the English king.

And things might have gone well if Casanova wasn't, well, Casanova, unable to control his carnal appetites or speak English, he set up what sounds like it was the first casting couch. He put ads in the paper to rent an apartment, but only to quote the right person. And then he used the apartment interviews as excuses to seduce many women until they contracted venereal disease and was once more left destitute, but this time also very sick. When show up at his apartment, he just walks out right past him

and then rings the doorbell just like so. Are you gonna pay for these pizzas? Scenario. I guess a lottery ticket start the only thing he's going to be scratching either.

I know castanova was so sick. It took him three years to recover because I guess we need a dick like this and it gets sick. Like that's full body sick now. Yeah. Well, I ever get man boob cancer. I'm fucked. I love handle cancer, no good. And after finally recovering, he traveled across nearly all of Europe in a coach. He covered nearly 4500 miles, including going to Moscow and St. Petersburg. Very unimportant trip. Very unimportant. This was all with the intent of getting rich selling lottery tickets again. And although he met with both Frederick the Great and Catherine the Great, and either Germany and or Russia had any interest in that bullshit. Yeah, I heard he tried to seduce Catherine the Great, but she was like, naaay.

Fuck courses. She didn't actually fuck courses, but she fuck courses. You and me. She fuck courses. And we got to Warsaw. Castinova became injured in a duel over an Italian actress. He refused to doctor suggestions to amputate his hand. I bet he did. He eventually recovered fully under his own care and he traveled to Prussia where he once again contracted a social disease and slunk back to Paris to try to earn a living

gambling. That by now, he had basically couch served his last fancy French couch because the king of France himself expelled Casanova from the country. Having fucked nearly all of European out left to try Spain where he was less well known. The thing is like being lesser well known meant that he also had fewer people to try Spain where he was less well known. The thing is like being lesser well known meant that he also had fewer people to try to scam and he had no connections. He didn't speak the language, although he did manage to upset enough Spaniards that he barely avoided being assassinated. He took the hint, hopefully, of scotted with some ham, otherwise it wasted

opportunity and returned to Venice. A problem with Venice is that he had been exiled from Venice. So he had a petition to be allowed to return while he waited Casanova worked on his Italian translation of the Iliad. Casanova's version of the Iliad couldn't have been good, right? Like it must have been the first slash fan fiction. Oh. And he also did some light

commercial spying for the officials in charge of his return petition. This time he must have done a better job because he's eventually granted permission to return home. How is he spying at this

point? He's just like walking behind the king of Spain all softly. Everyone's like, Hey, man, you're right there. Like your hands falling off, your dicks bleeding through your pants. You're fucking clubbed ear from lead poisoning dragging along the ground. It's like you're dragging on the ground.

Stop spying. Stop spying on us. I see you. You got any secret? Yeah, it's me, the man literally wanted in every European city. You guys need any espionage? I can see how this fails. All right.

At this time, Casanova was 49 years old and he had done some rough fucking living. He's scarred by smallpox. His cheeks had sunk in. His nose was hooked. He was no longer a hot social commodity at all. Prince Charles the lean, I don't know, described him as such. He said, yeah.

He said, quote, he would be a good looking man if he were not ugly. He is tall. I'd built like her. I look at him on my gravestone. I love that line so much. But we see we're going to put it as just he is tall and built like hercules. I love that on my gravestone. I love that line so much. But see, we're going to put it as just he is tall because that's what was said immediately before you said that.

We have audio of him saying that's what he wanted. He is tall. He's tall and built like hercules, but of an African tent, eyes full of life and fire, but touchy, wary, rink, or us. And this gives him a ferocious air. It is easier to put him in a rage than to make him gay. He laughs little, but makes others laugh. He has a manner of saying things, which reminds me of Harlequin or Figaro, and which makes them sound witty. Just lots to aspire to. Lots. All right. At this point, Casanova's time had run its course.

He was broke. So gambling was out. He was old and ugly. So very few women were tom Jonesing their panties over at him. His mother died as did Bettina Goz, either woman who had introduced him to sex. He published his three volume set on the Iliad, but nobody bought it and he made very little money. And he got into what amounted to an old time me Twitter war with Voltaire who wiped the floor with him

like JK Rowling against Trump. So he's eventually exiled from Venice again after writing a set tire, poking fun at Venetian nobility. Who's got big and fat with? Oh, I know the best living writer. That's going to go great for me. What's happening? I'm a great lover. All right. He fled back to Paris again, where Casanova was forced to find regular work and he became a librarian, a job that he loathed for its dullness, his health declined. He hated his life surrounded as he was now by peasants, bored and alone. Casanova died on June 4th, 1798 at the age of 73. And although no record of his grave site is

known, it is said that a little piece of Casanova resides in every broken condom to wash upon the year's issue. Tom, it's beautiful. And if you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, Tom, what would it be? Don't learn things from Casanova. Don't listen to this episode. And are you ready? Delete. And are you ready for the quiz? I've never been ready.

Let's do it. All right, Tom, which spy movie was modeled after Casanova's life? A, Poohen Rakeraker. Be sexual transmission possible. See, a quantum of fellace. That's fantastic. D, Hyman's aren't forever. Burt after P. Burt after P. It's really. Burt after No. It's really.

It's burned after being. It's not the end. It's burned after being. Oh, that's great. That's fair. A lot of burning after peeing fans here. That's good. All right.

I got one for you today's. So the fact that you chose Casanova as your Valentine's Day topic tells us what? Hey, no romance and failure are so intertwined in your mind that they've bled together. B that you're laying the groundwork for a future. Sometimes you get banned from multiple nations just because you're so romantic excuse. C you got your wife and STD this year and you're trying to put a positive spin on

it or D you grew up in the same way. See, you got your wife in STD this year and you're trying to put a positive spin on it. Or D you grew up in the same way. Well, it depends on which one, but yeah, or D you grew up in the same shit time and place. I did where we were sold to disease-infested corrupt misogynistic liberty and as a paragon of romance. Unfortunately, it's D. I thought this would be a more romantic story when I started reading it. Just go through and go, man, it's all herpes. It's all herpes. And he's throwing, he's like, where's the roses at? The protagonist is herpes. This is different than we all just jump over a rape. Okay, we're jumping over that. All right. Tom, I got one for you too. According to the internet, which of the following is a real piece of trivia about Casanova?

A, during his wealthy phases, Casanova traveled with a custom-made bathtub for two, like a fucking jealous commercial. That's amazing. He recommended eating 50 oysters for breakfast and believed to be the reason for oysters being known as an aphrodisiac, or C, he used lemon juice as a spermicide and lemon rinds as a cervical cap for extra protection. What? What? I was all I can hope is that it's the bathtub because I just, I just want him going country to country with an enormous bathtub. Well, it is the bathtub and the oysters and the lemon Ryan cervical

cap. It is deallly about. Oh, I got a wrong. Oh, Heath, you stumped Tom, which means you're the winner. You can choose next week's S.C.S. Don't you dare fuck it in a I'm just getting mad. Sniffy. Hala. Hala. Hala. Are you finished laughing at your joke or have I interrupted you again? Greg, myself, I'm sorry.

Well, you fool. Follow me. You make the winner. You make the easiest. Next week, Cecil. Yes! Thank God. All right.

Well, for Heath, Noah, Eli, and Cecil, he's no... What about me? What? He's twice, and I'm not. I wrote the whole thing he's saying everybody Thanks for hanging out with us today we'll be back next week and my name is Cecil will be on expert Something else between now and then you check out our various podcasts if you miss us and if you'd like

Yeah, don't ask him to name And if you'd like to help keep the show going him to name him or whatever anything. He's not gonna. And if you'd like to help keep the show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. Or leave us a five star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episode, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod.com. And remember, everyone at Fire Festival, deserved it. Oh man, before they all had me we were.

I gotta be honest with you know what, I cannot understand a single word that woman says, but she had like a little hammer. She just went to town, man. Yeah, that's her. That's her varm in hammer. Classic. She does have a varm in hammer. Your wife has a varm. I'm sick. I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I was gonna have it. I don't believe you. I was gonna have it. I was gonna have it. I don't believe you.