Citation Needed - Ching Shih

Episode Date: May 8, 2019

Ching Shih[1]:65 (Chinese: 鄭氏; literally: 'widow of Zheng') (born Shih Yang (Chinese: 石陽; 1775–1844), a.k.a. Cheng I Sao (Chinese: 鄭一嫂), was a Chinese pirate leader who terrorized the China Seas during the Jiaqing Emperor period of the Qing dynasty in the early 19th-century. She commanded over 300 junks (traditional Chinese sailing ships) manned by 20,000 to 40,000 pirates[1]:71—men, women, and even children. She entered into conflict with the major nations, such as the British Empire, the Portuguese Empire, and the Qing dynasty.[2] --- Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Dude, she's an adult. She's allowed to have sex. She's like the baby sister to the show. It's a weird emotional moment. You're normal analyzing her. You are justifying the over sexualization of women because you like the show. She did have a nice rack though. Really good. Really? Really good.

Like did a lot. Absolutely. Absolutely correct. Hey, yeah. Jesus, what the fuck? Hi, honey. Declare yourself, ye scally wags Why why is your wife pirate? Oh, it's this week's episode jang sheer the pirate queen I guess you got kind of into the story when I was writing all hands on deck. Yeah, yes, ma'am

Tom, what are you guys doing? Oh? You got to join us we get to sink boats and sword fights Dude you had me at we get I'm in and plus plus we get to cut off the ears and heads of rapists It does sound pretty awesome now off to get the head of We should probably be that name now, right? I'm totally in but yeah, I'm gonna bleep the flock out of that Yeah, yeah,, me too. I was just saying. Just saying, a beep. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject read a single

article about an unwikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Noah and I'll be staring the ship tonight, but I can't do it without the help of me hardies. First up, our two mates who need you to be very specific when you tell them to come about Heath and Cecil. OK, don't say hard to lean and then stand down when we all have to learn that lesson. And no, I do require a little more direction, but I'm

good on motivation. I'm fine. No, I appreciate that. I do appreciate that. Of course, also joining us tonight are two men who keep misunderstanding, blow the man down, no matter how many times I define it, Eli and Tom. I understand you perfectly Noah and wink.

I'm not gay if you're getting paid. Director said so well before we get going tonight I want to take a second to tell our patrons that they're welcome see I could have done that a whole thing in a pirate voice with a bunch of oh hoys and r puns but I didn't didn't, and I didn't for you. Anyway, if you'd like to learn how to join there, I'm sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us, see, so what person-placed thing concept phenomenon or event will we be talking about today? We're gonna be talking about the most successful pirate in history, and I'm sure I'm gonna get corrected on this Zhang Xia. All right, and Eli, you did whatever it is that you do

when you tell us that you're reading the article, are you ready to do whatever it is that you do when we tell you to read your essay? Bet your skipy. All right, so tell us, Eli, who was Jean-sha? She was a whore Noah, a commoner, and a whore. Okay. I bet you wouldn't say that to her face though.

No, the fuck I wouldn't, but without understanding you wouldn't even open to her face though. No, the fuck I wouldn't, but without understanding, you wouldn't even open biscuits. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. I won't. Big man, if somebody breaks out a pastry, I would want 100%.

I'd be like, Shayne, Con, slash mom. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Honey, Shayne, there's a wasp in the kitchen.

I'm sorry. Should get those too. It's like Cecil's been in my house or knows me. Either way, but without understanding where her story begins, we won't appreciate just how amazing this woman was. Born Shi Yang, the truth is, we don't know much about her birth or early life, but according to her, she was born in 1775 and was either stolen or sold to a floating brothel in Guanjiang. She had no money, no life of her own, no rights, and nothing that we would consider an education. And yet by the time she met her husband, the infamous pirate Zhang Yi, at age 25, she already

ran the brothel she had worked in, was known for her business savvy and her trade in the secrets of her wealthier clients. Yeah, okay, big business, Sammy. All she did was take off the when this boat's a rockin' bumper sticker. There ought to be terrible advice for the capitalist love boat. That's true, that's true.

So, Zhang fell madly in love with her and asked for her hand in marriage, and she agreed on the condition that he would give her 50% of his business. Nice. No, historians disagree on why he accepted this offer. My theory, she invented outfit stuff, saying it right now, hypothesis. Makes sense.

And that's extra impressive because remember, she's a pirate prostitute, Madam. So that's what she normally, when they should walk to the bedroom, being like these pleated chinos and tucked in polo shirts. So sensible, right? Yeah. More like she just was outfits. That's it.

Yeah. That's dog ear this LL bean. Killed. Fog together. 50% a pretty good rate though, right Tom? That's dog ear this LL bean 50% is a pretty good rate though right Tom Okay, we were friends before the record Re-evaluate that heart space and by heart I mean bank account. Hey, she's over your little brother's friend. I know a guy. Hard shift to the episode.

So upon marrying her husband, she changed her name to Zheng E. Sal, literally wife of Zhang. And she said about uniting his already sizable fleet. Well, if it was too sizable, that's you to just bound us fleet. That's what they do. Excellent. She also adopted her. There they do. Right? Excellent.

She also adopted her. There we go. You got him. You got he. Fleet. She also adopted her husband, stepson slash lover, Chungpo.

This was the south of China. She brought all that out. And she made sure that he was officially declared Zhang's heir. Now by 1804, the coalition they had formed together was one of the largest fleets in Chinese history and it gained the nickname, the Red Flag Fleet. Yeah, people see a fleet coming and they're like, oh god, dammit, the Red Flag. Fuck, again, they were just here like 28 days ago. All right.

Prepare to surrender all the chocolate and copies of the notebook again. I don't guess so. So, three years later, Zhang died suddenly. Sources vary on how he died. Some say he fell overboard during a typhoon. Some say he died of a sudden illness. And of course, some say he was killed by his wife.oon, some say he died of a sudden illness, and of course,

some say he was killed by his wife. Not to her face, though. Nobody says that. It's cool. He was married, so he died inside long before that. Yeah, right. No, I'm looking at his list. Typhoon, sudden illness, marriage.

It's like a thosaurus up in this picture. However, her husband died, so Zheng changed her name again to Zheng Shui, which translates to Widow of Zheng. Widows with alibis, I think is what that means. Exactly. Yeah, so she united his fleet with the second and third largest fleets in China and took her steps on Cheng Po as a lover. Interesting.

I feel like somebody's got to make a movie about this, right? Like this is an interesting story. Woody Allen off the top of my head, I think it would be because he's gonna be crazy. One of them. And since a woman couldn't officially be in charge, she also made Chung Po the official captain of the fleet on the condition that he would swear to be loyal to

and be commanded by her and only her Again, he agreed Okay, all right. We don't know how dad died, but let's see. We do know That the son took over his entire fleet of pirate ships and is now banging his Stepmom, okay, we definitely know how dad died step mom, okay, we definitely know how dad died. We got it, we got it, good clue. Got a hint. So with her power fully consolidated,

she wrote and enforced her infamous code of laws. Now, I'm gonna tell you what these laws were in a second, but just to recap the story so far, it took this woman eight years to go from boat prostitute to commander of the largest pirate fleet in world history. And now she gathered all the pirates together to set down some motherfucking rules. It's like the beginning of the warriors. She's fucking awesome.

It's like Elizabeth Warren. Here we are. Anyway, here are some of the rules. Rule number one, if you make up your own orders or disobey my orders, I will cut off your head. Yeah, this rule is actually also how the game showed jeopardy was conceived. It's like, Chang, get me a beer.

Oh fuck, no, I'm at Chang. Would you please get me a beer? That was a whole new question. You know, God damn it, this is so hard to remember. Fuck you. I feel like that's the only rule you need though. That's like, do you need to have a rest of the list? Apparently she did. So rule number two, no stealing from the public fund, we'll talk about that later, or villages

under her protection, or I'll cut off your head. Basically she established the first ever protection racket. Okay. Are they still doing the prostitute thing at this point on the boats? Because it feels like the pirate mafia thing is really carrying the team just fine by. So probably also horizontal integration. They don't need. By the way, this was not the first ever protection racket by any stretch of the imagination. Sometimes Eli just tosses a superlative in to make his sentence sound more impressive. Sometimes?

I like to think of it as conversational spices. Weaving. Weaving. Weaving. Weaving. Weaving. Weaving. Weaving.

Weaving. Weaving. Weaving. Weaving. Weaving. Weaving. Weaving. Rule three, she installed a purseer on every ship that would count up all the booty, which was then turned over to her. The finder got to keep 20%, but the rest went to the public fund, which was her. And if you failed to do this, she would whip you. And if you failed again, that's right.

She cut off your fucking head. You know, you guys laugh, but Herbalife still has this and it's bylaws. It's. It's. It's... It's gonna turn this de-bloon into a corkscrew and remove your eyeball. Welcome to Cutco Nives. Plus pirates and hokers.

Rule number four, take shoreleave or desert your posts without asking and she'd cut off your ears because you weren't using them. Do it again, she'd cut off the rest of your head. There's a theme to her. Yeah. Guy with out of ears is like, what? I thought you said no, sure, leave, not no, sure, leave. Yeah.

Also, by the way, we're a lot of low level like pirate cashiers doing that. They'd desert for a while and then come back and be like, all right, I'm back. Uh, podcast didn't work out ready for the ear slicer. Now unsurprisingly, given her first job, Zheng Xiu hated rapists. However, as you can imagine at the time pirates were like the third rapiest profession, just behind professional rapists. And of course the number one spot Catholic

priest. Oh yeah, yeah. She put an end to that. Rap of female captive should cut off your head. Okay, fair, but which ones? Specific. I think the motivational purposes, I don't think it matters. In fact, if you wanted to have sex with the female captive, you had to marry her, remain loyal to her, and treat her well, or she'd cut off your head. Hell, if you had consensual sex with the female prisoner, but neither of you wanted to get married, she'd cut off your head and then drown the female prisoner. Jesus. Uh, question, Mrs. Zhang?

Yes, Chinese pirate with an American accent. Yeah, just a quick note for you. So the penalty for rape is beheading. Yes, yes it is, right. Right, and the penalty for consensual is beheading plus something else. It just seems like that's flipped around. You know what I mean?

Ooh, you know what you, when you say it, that does seem backwards. Now, and you're killing the woman for consensual. I just feel like you're setting up a situation where you're already married, the chivalrous thing to do is to rape a lady. Yeah, right. And you know what, the moment you started it, I got it.

Yeah, that is not great. I am gonna chop your head off and move on. Rule six B. I do not take notes. And finally, no more calling it plunder. This is real. From now on, it was to be called transferring a shipment of goods. Oh, well, that's what they also call VD on those ships too. Well, I was trying to bring a ship in a bad spot. It was close. I gotta say, that's not quite as catchy as trickled on economics, but it was an improvement. So I guess we're gonna workshop that a bit

and we'll pause for a quick apropos of nothing, by which we mean apropos of what we were just talking about. ["The Star of the World"] ["The Star of the World"] ["The Star of the World"] ["The Star of the World"] ["The Star of the World"] Hi, everyone. Hi, everyone.

OK, guys, guys. We should stop now. OK, thank you. Great. Hi. I'm Karen from HR. I just want to be the first to welcome you all to the Red Flag Fleet. Yeah.

Yeah. Flag Fleet. Now, I'm sure you all can't wait to get out there and plunder and drive fear into the largest occupied sea in the world, can you? Yeah. Yeah. That's very exciting. And you can't wait to get you guys in there. But we got to get through today and tomorrow's orientation first.

So if you will each take a binder. What? I have a binder. What? You got a binder? What's a binder that you put on feet? You. Okay, so we're going to be reading these.

But first, a little welcome video from our good friend Will I Am? Woo! Yeah! I love Will I Am. Blackide P's. Hey there podcast listener, just wanted to pop in and remind you that if you aren't giving us money on patreon.com forward slash citation pod, you should. That's right Eli, for as little as a dollar a show on Patreon you get access to Patreon

only bonus episodes and dedicated commercial free RSS feed and much much more. But most of all, you'll be giving us money. And we know you've been meaning to sign up on Patreon, but then it slips your mind. It happens, it happens. But it's actually really quick and really easy. So tell you what, while you add over to patreon.com, forward slash citation pod,

and set up your account, we'll keep you amused with some of our classic citation needed shenanigans Go on get your phone go on go on get it right now. Go on. Yeah drive if you're driving you can stop driving Just it's literally just for a second. Look there's an exit right there. Just pull off ready ready everybody ready go go Dancing despite an entry means nothing to you. It's just it doesn't mean nothing, I think she's playing it up. Actually. Hey, question, guys, are the pronouns he or she

when they aren't in drag? I don't know, I think it honestly depends on the queen. Isn't that? That's not the point. You just don't like scary queens, that's bigger. Okay, excuse me, I was rooting for Sharon Needles before you even started watching, so I didn't wanna hear it.

Okay, no, that's true. I can't come for a time introduced to the show and he wants. Such a good show. Did you sign up? Did you sign up? Great, thanks everybody. Did you not sign up?

Okay, well, kind of feels like you stole that part of the show because it was for signing up. Yeah, that part was for signing up. All we do is give you a free show. We just wanna do to sign up. It's okay. It's okay being a thief is fine. If you wanna be a thief, just go ahead. Thief? Yeah. Thief it up? Thief it up? I'm not taking to sign up. It's okay. It's okay being a thief is fine. If you want to be a thief, just go ahead.

Thief? Yeah. Cool. Thief it up? I'm not taking silky sign. That's not what I'm saying. You are. Guys, we've finished doing that intermediary bit.

What bit? We gotta start a bit. I'm read ahead. Never mind. She's a Republican. And we're back and there's still hasn't been an R pun. So at least we've got that to hang our hats on. Anyway, Eli, you were talking about a Chinese pirate themed prostitute as is the essentially default conversational setting with you.

So why don't you do that some more? So at this point, Jensha has control over 1,200 ships and 70,000 men. Well, right, but what percentage of those come with heads attached? Yes, and which one? That's which one. That's an important one. But just for scale, that's more than several European navies of the time combined.

And because of her code of laws, rather than just randomly attacking ships, she's up to establish rule over hundreds of coastal villages. She set up taxes and levies, but she also protected them from other pirates. Interesting. Comcast has the same business model. I actually don't know the answer.

But what this meant was that she was not only bringing in more money than other pirates, she was growing more popular. Yeah. And, you know, as a coastal villager, it's nice to know you're only going to be plundered by ethically sourced free range sex positive gender equal pirates. And so the emperor of China at this point, he's not an idiot and he sees that this one hundred percent ends in the united federal nation of Piratehucker lady. So he gathers his navy together to take her down once and for all all the libertarians are whining

But I like the free market dictator more than the government dictator Sorry, what I couldn't hear you all of our ears got chopped off during that sweet ass free market phase. Sorry. Now, you know, by the way, you know how much they're worth on the free market the ears. How much fucking near. Oh, my God. That is a shit to my friend. It's amazing.

I'm pretty sure. The best. Thank you. Oh, my God. Yeah, we can end it here. That is a shit to my friend Amazing With every Best the best thank you. Oh my god. Yeah, we can end it here guys There we go And it's it's he's You're making drop it drop your mic right now. He's not a boom arm. He's knocking at it

I tried to hit it, but the pad dammit Curse my preparedness. I hurt myself. Now, unfortunately for the emperor, Jensha is one of the most brilliant naval commanders in world history. How brilliant you ask? I don't really know, because I'm not that smart. And when I clicked on the things they were confusing.

The reports we have for battle with the emperor's forces are the first written record of several naval techniques that we still use today. In fact, in a desperate effort to weaken her fleet, China's top naval commander sent out suicide boats, which were basically just fishing ships filled with explosives and on fire, and she just fucking put them out, refitted the ships, and then added them to her fleet. That's amazing. She's seriously, she's like, she's like the kid of the added them to the fleet. That's amazing. She's seriously, she's like,

she's like the kid of the Nerf Gunfighter just takes all the Nerf Gun bullets and puts them in his pocket, goes home. I love them guys. I'm imagining the guys on the other side who set the exploding fire ships to her and that she just put them out and they're like, okay, all right, new playing guys.

Let's fat- ax some some dynamite I hope they store it too close to a furnace We did not think that through is a lot of water right next to the fire thing Just put it now she has those Stupid stupid she sent another one see if she can we didn't fool her again. Okay that was on us I don't mean to downplay her like naval ability, but you didn't invent putting it out and stealing it. That's just, and also we don't use that anymore. Yeah, I would use it.

Send me a ship that's on fire and full of explosives. It's only like that. I shouldn't do a, it's true. So this is how bad the defeat was. When the battle was over, Shiz Fleet had lost only 40 men and zero ships. It's a gage ship. If I'm doing a separate ship.

Yes, it's a bunch of ships. The head of the Emperor's fleet, on the other hand, sent a letter back to China, lying about what happened, went home and killed himself. Oh, Jesus. She's must suck to be one of those guys that died. It's like getting a career, ending injury, and a preseason game.

Yeah, exactly. What the fuck? So for years, she eluded British and Portuguese bounty hunters until the desperate emperor finally asked the help of the only navy larger than hers, the Portuguese fleet. Oh, wow, back when Portugal had something to be proud of other than just not being spain. Exactly, yeah.

So she did what she had to do. When the chips are down, when you're staring certain death in the face, you create a distraction and negotiate the sweetest fucking deal imaginable. Is what she did. I'm talking, of course, about the battle of the Tigers mouth. That's what she married the principal Portugal on the condition that he had to give her half his fleet, right? Is that what happened here? And also the king of Portugal and got the other half, too.

She's pretty good at this one. That's what's gonna hold the thing, but then, wouldn't surprise me. What we know about that battle is this. The red flag fleet was defeated in a series of skirmishes by the Portuguese. Led, not by Shuh, but by her son-in-law, Slash lover, because Shia was negotiating Amnesty from the King Dynasty. Okay, you guys are all picturing a musical adaptation love story about Donald Trump and Jared Kushner. So the deal she made allowed her and all of her men

to turn themselves in, do no jail time, and keep all the money they stole. Pretty much every white collar criminals plea deal. This is what you're saying, right? They may actually made a movie about this, the smartest whore in the room. And so that's what she did. Of her entire personal fleet of 17,000 plus men, less than 400 faced any consequences for years of piracy.

And she retired. First to Guanjiang, where the governor annulled her adoption of her son lover, so she could marry him, then to Macau, where she opened a brothel and it could seem really you wouldn't want that paperwork to be embarrassing. Exactly. She died filthy rich at age 69. Oh, 69. Live by the whore, die by the whore.

Surrounded by her friends and loved ones. Yeah, all ready getting jealous. All of us. She's the best. I fucking like this lady. Best person we've done a citation needed on, I think. All right, so if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, Eli,

what would it be? History's greatest pirate and possibly naval strategist was still called Steve's wife. Yeah. Yeah. All right, and are you ready for the quiz? Yarr. Okay.

Okay. That didn't even, whatever. Cause he's like, what's the best feature of a pirate theme, casino brothel? Hey, the Darcy blows. B, complimentary little blue pillage. You can pay extra to enter from the poop deck or D. They have the looses slots. I'm 31, see, so let's fucking be.

Sure, absolutely. All right. Eli, what should be the title of the movie about the pirate prostitution magnate? A, Captain Hooker. phenomenal. B, all hands on dick. We'll see Woody Allen's too soon ye. Oh, it's always too soon ye.

Heath, it's always just correct. All right, I got one for you, E.L.A. and what way is working for a homicidal dictatorial pirate different than working for Amazon? A, only one of them enforces the rules against rape. Oh, she, she's, she's employees knew what the sun felt like. Jesus Christ. See, Amazon is totally cool with you calling it plunder.

Or D, Jeff Bezos could whip the fuck out of the Portuguese name. Secret answer E, all of the above. That is correct. I can't hide the right answer from from you and you keep getting it. All right. So for some reason, we let Eli pick his own topic this week. And shockingly, he chose neither a magician, nor an obscure hypersexualized,

ultra niche pop culture reference. So, and does this essay seem to imply about Eli? Hey, he watches a lot of stepmom porn. There is more than a passing likelihood that Eli's wife is tired of hearing the phrase plunder your treasure box every night or see a strong independent woman with a permanent pegging attachment holds rather a lot of the deal. Okay, uh, Ibit.

It's like the lady from Grindhouse with the gun. Yeah. Not like it. Her. Just her. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So Tom, you'll be taking over as host next week and it is your honor and privilege to choose next week's essay from any of the one person preordained on the schedule to do the essay next. Are I'm feeling a strange lack of that awkward element of personal sexual over disclosure?

So let's hear again for me. Jesus Christ. All right. It was Warren. It's a surprise. All right. Well, for seasonally, like Heath and Tom, I'm Noah, thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then, Heath will be an expert on something else.

Between now and then, you can hear more from Tom and Cecil on a cognitive dissonance and you can hear more from Heath Eli and myself on the Skating Atheist, Godolph and Movies and The Skeptocrat. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us a five star review everywhere you can. And if you want to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod dot com. Is a vital place for keeping a happy, healthy work environment.

Very good, Shay Miss. Okay. Who wants to take over reading section 1.4? Keeping a clean workspace. Ray, why don't you lead us off? Yeah, Ray, keep going. Okay, great. So section 1-4, keeping a clean workspace.

Pirates and hores. Oh, one second, let me go get Anna. I totally forgot. We need an Anna for this. Anna? This all stays in this game. This is all stays. This is all stays.

This is all stays. And are you done opening the scary biscuits yet? And are you wearing your the scary biscuits yet? And are you wearing your eye patch? No, I can't do it. I bet like of all the times he's ever said, and I need you to be a pirate. This is the one she's most comfortable with, though, right?

It's not Morgan and Cecil. Cecil's better than Morgan. That also stays the softest. I love everybody. Hi, Anna. What a night. Hi, yeah. Hey, yeah.

That also stays. Bye, everyone. Hi. Hi, Hannah. What a night. Hi, yeah. Hey, yeah.