Citation Needed - Christmas Fails

Episode Date: December 23, 2020

Lapland New Forest was a Christmas-themed park near Ringwood, Hampshire, UK.[1] The park had been advertised as being a "winter wonderland" with a variety of exciting family events such as a Christmas market and a "magical tunnel of light", but the majority of the promised attractions either malfunctioned or were of a very low quality. The park closed after a week after complaints from customers and poor press attention, and the organisers were charged with misleading advertising, and sentenced to 13 months in prison. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

And so this lady rolls up and she says, excuse me, he was saving my place in line. No! Yes! You did not let her in, did you? Absolutely not. I said, lady, you wheel your way to the back of the line, or I'll break that other hip for you. Yeah, good for you, fuck her! Oh, thank goodness you guys are here. Is Cecil here yet?

Uh, no. Awesome, awesome. Because you are never gonna believe what I got him for Christmas. Did you make a clone of yours in his DNA again? Because he did not like that last year. Yeah, plus it just year. Spasm to round going, kill me, kill me. Yeah, so irritating.

That was not great. That was not great. No, this is way better, so much better. Let me ask you this. Who is the ideal guest for our episode about Christmas tales? Eli, that's right. Santa Claus himself. And I'm not kidding, he was actually just hanging out at the mall a few weeks ago. Like, he was eating down. That's not. Oh, believe me, no, I'm sorry. No, he did not want to come, but let's just say a little milk and cookies changed his tune.

And when Cisa comes in and opens this box, it's, oh, boom, Merry Christmas, am I right? Eli, Eli, Tom. Eli, Tom, Tom. Yeah, tonight's essay is called Christmas Fails. Fails, not Christmas tails, like stories? No. Oh.

Yeah, and Cecil's not coming tonight. He had work. Oh, he did? Yeah. Yeah. Plus, I'm pretty sure you just kidnapped a local actor and sealed him in what appears to me to be an airtight box? Ah.

Yes, he did. I did. That's what it looks like, yeah. Well, at least it fits the theme of the episode now, right? Dead man in a box. Mm-hmm. I mean, I I guess it actually does. It's not Okay, but why wouldn't you at least put air holes in? Yes, thank you. Yeah, I don't need air. He's magic He's magic. Actually, you know what? Asked and answered. I don't know why we ask questions. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts.

Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Heath, and I'll be hosting this very special Christmas episode, and joining me is a panel of atheists for that purpose. First up, we have the fourth understudy for Santa at an outlet mall, Tom is here. You know, when they say you can't be drunk on the job, you do, they mean the whole time. You're on the job.

I get it now, whatever. Mm-hmm. And we also have the ninth understudy for Santa at an outlet mall, you like. Okay, well, just as soon as Tom drinks that hot cocoa, I made him, that part is mine. So I have the ninth understudy for Santa at an outlet mall. He locked. Okay. Well, just as soon as Tom drinks that hot cocoa, I made him, that part is mine. You're gonna say, well, you get bumped up to eighth anyway. Yeah.

And of course, the socialist elf who organized a violent union that seized the means of production on the North Pole, Noah is here. You know what? We needed the cookies he didn't. You reput your so fat man. A lot of reindeer got the wall that day. You know what? We needed the cookies he didn't you reput your so fat man Lot of reindeer got the wall that day so Tom let's get ready to it What person place thing concept phenomenon or event? Are we gonna be talking about today today? We are gonna be talking about

Christmas failures just massive Massive failures vent has to great way to celebrate Christmas of 2020. There you go. Same deadline with theme, Heath. Excellent. Yeah, my Grinchy heart's been looking forward to this all year, bud.

Okay, so give us a little background on your grinchiness. How would you describe the beautiful holiday of Christmas? Well, Heath, when I think about Christmas, I do not think about the rampant over commercialization corrupting the spirit of giving. Nord is my mind, turned to the hopeless task of striving to make sure that the gift you gave for your loved one is somehow roughly reciprocal and both expense and thoughtfulness as the gifts that you received.

Nord, do I ever fret over the attendance stress and worry that a company's this our most transactional holiday I am not either consumed with bitter simmering resentment at the idea of a gaggle of small children Gleefully unwrapping what amounts to dozens of hours of work with nary a moment's pause to read the tags Much less proper things. I I don't think of these things heath because I love Christmas. Weirdly bitter about the kids' role in this. In fact, of all the garish polyester holidays, Christmas. That's my absolute favorite. But not everyone shares my love of Christmas. And today, I'm going to share with you some spectacular Christmas failures, my friend. Okay, story of the crucifixion. Nice pick.

That was probably in the spring, but yeah, good pick. Here I am just thankful this record has happened. And before you guys see how shitty I guess I got you. I mean, we've known you for a bunch of Christmases before this one. Last year you got me a book called You Smell Bad. And I can't help but notice she didn't read any lie. All right, can I open this? Can I open this?

Skype call. Skimmed it. All right, so the best, the brightest, my very favorite of these Christmas failures is the epic Christmas mess that was Lapland New Forest. This is so amazing. This is amazing. I know this is going to happen in Earth. was Lapland New Forest. This is so amazing. This is so amazing.

This is gonna happen in Earth. In early December of 2008, Lapland New Forest opened, and then just six days later, it closed. And if, as I do, you love anything that disappoints children, you are going to love this story. So aggressively angry at children. But before we get to the actual festival, I need to tell you about the organizer. In August of 2008, Lapland New Forest, LTT, was registered,

listed as its sole director, a 65 year old guy named Victor Robert Mears. This is a man who had served four years in prison for tax evasion in the 80s, and who gave testimony in the trial for the Brink's Matt robbery. The Brink's Matt robbery could be its own episode of the show. That was a robbery in which, in 1983, it was built as the crime of the century, and it involved the theft of 100 million pounds worth of gold, diamonds, and cash from a warehouse

at the Heathrow International Trading Estate. Victor Mears, the sole director of Lapland New Forest, L.T.D., he was involved enough in this heist that he testified on behalf of one of the defendants, a guy named Kenny Neuay. Kenny Neuay was acquitted on the technicality for the murder of a police officer in 1985 and would later go and murder someone else in a road rage incident in 1986. So our festive hero, Victor Mears, testified for this guy, who incidentally he had met through a gold trader named Derek Little Legs Larkins.

We're all picturing a heist by a corgid. Oh, I'm sorry. I am now. Okay, I just, I want to point out that Tom has introduced three dudes tax evasion of dead cop at dead non cop, a gold trader and a heist that are never going to show back up in this story in order to say, so this dude started a company. Okay, I just, I love that on the record next time I get shit pointing out surprisingly fast. All sorts of touchstones.

I could trace their roots back to the Etterskins. Well, Noah, maybe the Etruskins should rob more banks and kill more cops. They invented robbing banks and killing cops. Alright, so it's fast forward 20 years to 2008. Victor's company, Lapland New Forest, LTD, was applying for a planning application in East Doris. The proposal was to build a Winter Wonderland, a quote, wonderful experience for all the local children to enjoy.

This pop-up holiday utopia was to feature a Christmas fair, replete with nine log cabins, an ice skating rank, and an ice slide. There's gonna be an activity scene, a tunnel of light, and a Santa's grotto. Vendors would be on hand to sell kids, young and old, some tasty nutmeg-cented holiday treats. The whole thing, the application insisted,

would be managed by, quote, a team of people who between them bring a great depth of experience organizing this type of event. Oh, this type of a bitch. Oh, Carnies who are concurrently injecting heroin got it. I'm sorry. I want to go back to the tunnel of life. We have a Christmas tree farm. Last thing your brain summons up when you're dying and an ice slide, huh?

Ice slide? Fun. So the location they chose was near Matchem Stadium. That's a spot of land nearby, which was go-carding, paintball, bike racing, and something called boot sales, which I looked up, and it pretty much sounds like a flea market that you just run out of the back of your car.

Now, if you're thinking, that doesn't sound like a picturesque locale for a holiday festival. Well, then you are several steps ahead of the locals and the planning council, because they embraced the idea of this cinnamon-centred celebration with gusto. But there were some other notable signs, things might not be as grand as indicated. Frederick Nash, the leasing agent of the land being rented for Lapland New Forest, noted that the purported log cabins were, as yet, just a few ramshackle garden sheds, and that Victor Meers looked to be, quote, considerably out of pocket. End quote.

Nonetheless, rent is rent, money is money, and the winter wonderland was a go. Feel like the chained up pit bulls are gonna be a weird touch, but I don't know what we put antlers on them or something. Like that. Who am I judge? I think kids are like this. Spoilers, heath. So the operation began in full swing.

There will be near death experiences and tunnels of life for people. So the operation began in full swing. It's headquarters described in one article from the independent as quote a converted police box and public toilets on an industrial estate But but from small beginnings many a great thing has been born and the advertising for Lapland new forest began in earnest for Lapland New Forest began in earnest. Boasting a ticket price of 25 pounds per person and slick flyers with pictures of spruce trees and picturesque lodges covered in snow, the promises were of a quote,

magical avenue of light, Hollywood special effects, fantastic fun ice ring, seasonal food, market stalls, wood caverns, and much more. Santa Claus made burning man. Bring your kids. You're not great. Yeah. Very quickly, thousands of tickets were sold and children were anxiously awaiting the wondrous delight

of this Christmas-themed Bakanalia. So, so wait, so the fucking sequel, the Fire Festival was the Yice Festival, that is so terrific. Okay. Give me a fucking break. I will now quote extensively from the firsthand accounts of the tragically misled and the deeply disappointed.

Oh, according to Jane Parrot, a woman whose family paid nearly 300 pounds for the privilege of entrance to Santa's newly minted magical kingdom. Quote, it looked like a traveling fun fair or a car boot sale. The tunnel of light was a joke. It was like they had pulled Christmas trees on both sides of a path together, plonged on some fake snow, and put hanging netting lights up. Like, that's you.

That's what it said in the flyer, right? That's like basically the description. Any time you say plong, you're not impressed. Place isn't made by genuine ice fairy stuff you. What do they think Christmas stuff is? You just described it. Big snow and bullshit. They're not wrong.

The queue for Father Christmas was a joke. We gave up after half an hour, my sister-in-law was waiting for two hours, and when they got there, they were charged 10 pounds for a photograph with Santa. Oh jeez. I know that sounds bad, I'll admit it, but what about the promised animals, the side of which never fails to tickle the heartstrings? Well, they did have one reindeer, one reindeer. There were also some male nourished husky dogs tethered to a steak, which is partly inspiring.

Talking about that. But plus side, there was also a polar bear. You got to admit a polar bear. That's pretty awesome, Gat. Except the polar bear was plastic and half hidden in the nearby woods, just. Okay, I feel like that's kind of how it should look. People expected a live, friendly polar bear. Just like handing out old-timey glass bottles

of copenic colors. Well, what I love is that they bought a plastic polar bear, but decided to leave it as an Easter egg. Yeah, right. I think it's really one of the most out of Christmas land or whatever it's called. What I really love is the fact that these guys weren't trusted with polar bear mating, and it's honestly, I don't even think I trusted with the plastic one.

So the Hollywood style special effects that were promised did not quite make the cut when it came to the costuming. The elves and snowman being described as looking quote, it'll made for one amateur dramatic society but worn by another. Oh, excellent, excellent. The nativity scene was not even a full diorama.

Like you might see a Sherlockal church, but instead just a painted backdrop, flapping, suspended in the wind, astride, a muddy field. The promise snow was fake and rather than white, cheerful and plentiful, it was sparse. Lay four, lornly in the mud and seem to be not so much nestled in drifts as dropped in sad little handfuls here and there. The ice rink, that malfunctioned, which means that rather than an ice rink they just had a mud pit. A frustrated family leaving the park shouted at a son reporter, quote, Santa's got home. Santa's fucking dead.

It's a fucking me to quote read a book. It's not that I do not believe in Santa is that I cannot stand not to be him. A few more quotes. These from Ivan Hancock, the manager of the Doris County Council's trading standards who handle all the complaints. He said, quote, I've never known anything to spark so many complaints in 20 years working. I've heard of someone spending 3,000 pounds on tickets and terrible stories of real human misery like a terminally ill grandparent taking all of their grandchildren to the park. Oh, this is fucking dark.

Dying grandpa's like, all right, this fucking sucks. Who wants to watch me get chemo at the hospital? Let's go. Get out of here. Okay. This is depressing. I don't want to blame the victim here, but maybe you do a little research on your last mortal act on this earth, right?

You read some help reviews, grandpa. You show, you so want to blame the victim. What kind of terminally ill grandpa in 2008 doesn't have the internet savvy required to check the legitimacy of a county fair before it opens for the first time you do. Exactly. You're a cancer grandpa. That's why you got to answer. grandpa. That's why you got to answer. Check the reviews. Yeah. This is the ethical quadruuth vaccines right there. Gonna waste 50 million doses on that. If I wanted shit.

Grounded up in your peanut butter ass hole. Learn your apple sauce. You'll never even know what's in there. Helen Jones told the sales very journal, quote, is basically just a muddy field. Really, it's stuck a few trees in a couple of huskies. End quote. Another would be celebrant described as seen as quote,

a few blowers puffing out fake snow on a bit of wasteland. This is an England though, right? It's all waste. It's all waste. It's all waste. Footage posted to YouTube shows elves standing about in their cheap, costuming, smoking cigarettes and looking thoroughly,

tragically uninterested in this whole debacle. The tension of all these tears, the long lines, the dashed expectations, caused two dads to get into a fist fight in a chit-chip red house. Just throwing it in the process. Oh, and the assembled crowd is just like, finally, cement a fucking dainment.

Yeah. Okay. Did they end up making a toy store in New York City? Cause I'm pretty sure I worked there. You just described my job in December. Oh, God. And you guys remember the market stalls, the food vendors? I mean, a lot of chicken go pretty wrong,

but if the food is good, happiness can still be salvaged. Well, turns out that an additional fee needed to be paid to gain entrance to the area where the food vendors were. And once they dolled out even more money, they're only four, four, small rundown stalls selling a very limited supply of very expensive foods. That was not going to be Lapland saving grace. There was a cover charge for the food court. There was a cover charge. Look at that. Four stall food court.

Just getting stopped at the entrance. Private party don't come on man. You trying to get bottle service of mold wines. It's like a whole thing. Just an elf opening it with his mouth. But it was just the fair goers who were upset. The rage of the customers soon boiled over. What are the talent agencies who supplied staff for the event advised its workers to leave to avoid confrontation. That advice would not be enough. All in all, two elves in one Santa were attacked by furious. At the

shoddy display of Yuletide cheer, a security guard, he just quit in the middle of a shift, telling a BBC reporter they felt really, really ashamed. It worked there. And it continued on to describe the abuse that he was powerless to stop saying, quote, Santa got attacked. One of the elves got smacked to the face and pushed into a pram. Jesus Christ.

The crowd's like, you know, how do these greedy capitalists keep getting away with shit like this? Anyway, let me go take my frustrations out on a part-time minimum wage student in Elf Suit who's at least getting as screwed as I am by these people. No fuck! Noah also worked at the toy store in prison. Didn't he though?

And this one I love just for the imagery of it, a snowman also walked off the job. This guy in full costume just striding disconsultately through the muddy parking lot and into his car driving off. Face still hidden from photographers by his snowman costume. Just yells out the window. Frosty rescheduled fucking family court for this. Just stabbing people with a carrot. Get out of there. Leave it. The event was such a disaster that Facebook groups began to appear titled Lapland New Forest's Rubbish and New Forest Lapland Experience Scam. A petition began circulating demanding refunds and a demonstration was planned by irate customers to take place outside the gates of lapel new forest.

To get ahead of the plan protests, management for lapel and promptly closed the entire event and put out the following statement blaming the closure, not on having built the least fun place ever, but instead on quote, intentional organized crowd manipulation and event sabotage and unscrupulous and inaccurate negative bias media. Their lawyer Rudy Giuliani. All told, 50,000 tickets were sold. Revenues were in access of 1.2 million pounds. The park was open less than one full week.

And Victor Mears was again arrested, tried, convicted, sentenced to 13 months in prison for fraud. Though we actually only ended up serving eight months because his conviction was overturned on appeal when it was discovered that one of the jurors had been texting her fiance during the trial about how incredibly guilty this guy was. All right. Well, easily the greatest work Banksy ever created great stuff. And apparently we have some even better Christmas modern art coming right up. But first we're going to

take a quick break for some op-apoe of nothing. Oh Granddaddy, thank you so much for taking us to Christmas land. Yay! Anything for you, kids. Grandpa loves you so much. Hey, welcome to Santa Land, a wonderful wonderland where all your dreams come true. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! But, what you just throwing our face? It burns!

Magic. Now you've been captured by the Christmas spirit, follow me to a land of adventure. Um, okay, but my grandpa is in a wheelchair. Well, then you better push him hard, hadn't you? Oh. Well, would you look at that it's Rudolph the Red Nose reindeer Are you ready to lead Santa's sleigh Rudolph? He looks sick. He's going to the bathroom right now now who's ready to meet Santa? Oh Great that'll be 5799 and we do not take credit cards

But we bought the super nalox tickets! Yeah, that's what you got to see Rudolph. Do not look back. Do not look back at him. This is the worst Christmas ever. You know what kids, this is a good thing. It is! Yeah, I was gonna tell you guys about my cancer tonight and... Honestly, it's really softening up the blow of the void of death.

I wish I were dying. Yeah, well good news about the magic I threw at you. And we're back. When we left off, Tom was taken the last can of who hash and grinning wide- What's next? Well Christmas isn't all tragically disappointing people and places. No Christmas is also about gifts. That's why I want to take a moment to talk about some unbelievably ill-advised toys,

all of which I promise you are real, and all of which assuredly, at some point, ended up in some kids' stocking. Finally, thank you, Tom, on episode where I can read my complaint emails to Adam and Eve out loud. Okay, not that kind of toy. No. I'm absolutely shocked if none of these turns out to be a toy I owned in the 80s So the first one on our list is a toy gun called the oozinator The oozinator is a toy that makes me both incredibly grateful and Incredibly sad that this is not a visual medium because the commercial for this thing. Oh my god It is not for the stain of heart. I saw this commercial on television as a child. Oh, yeah, so good It's so good guys Google this thing. Oosinator commercial. Imagine if you will a super so kaki video. Sorry

Imagine a super soaker which rather than shooting a continuous stream of water Instead erupts after several pumps with a short blast of white viscous ooze. Yep. Basically, this is a toy gun you chase your friends with until you corner them at which time you jerk off your toy until he jackulates all over your buddy. No other way to describe it. I'd love to have been there for the meeting where this got approved though. And there you have it gentlemen, the Oozonator.

So fun. Seriously? Problem Jenkins. Come on, you're actually going to make me say it. It's super obviously just a big... Jenkins! Jenkins, before you chime in here, I just wanna remind you that this is the launch project for Christmas.

We do not have a backup or anything waiting in the wings. So if, for example, you were about to say, we made a horrible mistake ordering 250,000 gallons of ooze from a Chinese factory, which turns out to look like, I don't know, say, come big torrenting loads of come if you say that. There are no Christmas bonuses this year. Hell, forget Christmas bonuses forever. There might not even be jobs this year. So again, what exactly was your question?

I said, it's super obviously a big, uh, it's big hit, hit waiting to happen. Obviously. I agree, Jack. Perfect. Yes, I agree. Uh, question. Can we drink the come? I mean, ooze. No. So, the Usinator is problematic for being a...comshot toy? It's nothing compared to the Austin Magic Pistol. The premise of the Austin Magic Pistol was to fire a ping pong ball from its toy muzzle, which at first sounds fairly harmless. The trouble was that rather than use a spring or other sensible mechanism for propulsion, the makers of the Austin Magic Pistol instead used the rather dangerous chemical reaction

that occurs when you mix calcium carbide, which is the Austin Magic Pistols magic crystals with water. So, what you do is you simply stuff a ball in the muzzle, open up the back of the gun and spit on the crystal cup and, open up the back of the gun and spit on the crystal and then close up the chamber. Guys, guys, I fixed the boring spring, that's fucking stupid. It's the Nerf IED, check this out. Now after an indeterminate amount of time that calcium carbide will violently react with

the water and explode. The ping pong ball, along with an actual jet of flame, then erupts from the Austin Magic pistol. Yeah, and if giving your kids an explosive chemical reaction toy, which generates an actual muzzle flash, sounds fine. Keep in mind that this toy also had the bad habit of exploding from the pressure of the blast, sending bits of magic flying at speed

into the eyes of friends and family. Oh no. The Austin Magic Pistol is now, and I am not kidding, it is now classified as a fire arm. So if you want to acquire one for novelty purposes, it may require a background check. Yeah, that sounds about right, but there is a toy fair loophole. Well, look, it's a, it's a fucking firearm that sometimes a surprise grenade,

you know, only in America. Would we be shocked that there's at least some paperwork involved in owning one of those Okay, my favorite thing about this this thing is that if you go on YouTube and you search for it The second video is a guy who reviews vintage toys That's his channel and It's fucking explode And this guy whose entire career is very clearly being like well the handsome trained sure is

Yeah, I hate it. I hate all of this stupid old shit that I have to fucking look at all the time And then it it cuts away and it gets back in his house and there's no sign of anything. And he's like, well, this has been quite the adventure today. If you'd like to see other toys. Oh my God. Now, before we leave the, it seemed like a great idea at the time, 1950s, we have to touch on the Gilbert company. The Gilbert company sold two very troublesome educational toys. The first was the Atomic Energy Lab.

It was came what they want. You heard that exactly right. You would say Atomic Energy Lab. Atomic Energy Lab. Yes, toy. From the 1950s when we knew nothing about how these things worked This was a toy which came with a working uranium 238 guy your counter a Wilson cloud chamber an electroscope and Four samples of uranium 238 or Jesus Absolutely not. Yeah, absolutely true. No

Uranium 238 isn't gonna go all chain reaction on its own, you first have to turn it into plutonium 239. And the Gilbert company wasn't yet making that kit, but Uranium 238 does give you cancer. And that is the gift that keeps on taking. Guys, the Gilbert company's doing great, but another one of our toy makers got murdered by Masad.

I don't know what's happening. What we're saying is there's a much darker origin story for Rudolph than you think there is. So, the Gilbert company, not evidently content to metal with the replication of your DNA and chew up your insightsides on a cellular level. Also, market it and sold quote, the Gilbert Glass Blowing Kit for boys. What? And quote, for boys? For boys, because I guess Gilbert didn't want young ladies learning to blow anything. Seems self-defeating. The idea here was to give kids a toy that they could use to learn a skill, but Glass Blowing is a fantastically dangerous skill. Yeah, it evolves working with glass at temperatures of about a thousand degrees.

And this kit did not come with gloves or goggles or anything remotely approaching the idea of saying literally, you would blow glass? Like actually? This is a glass blowing case. This isn't like an easy make oven. It's actually a thousand degrees. I mean, think about that. A thousand degrees, no safety goggles.

On a related note, one of my children is a year away from driver's head and doesn't cut his own meat with a fork and knife. And another of my children cannot match his own socks into pairs. Okay, but Tom, they both be way more careful and able if those things were a thousand degrees right? Like those socks on fire, he'll get right to fuck to it.

So let's fast forward again to a more modern era. We got to talk about aquadots now. Oh, why did you have a guy? I do not have a guy. Aquedots, these came out around 2007. These are a crafting toy. I watched the commercial for aquedots, but then I remembered, I don't like crafting

and I probably forgot what you can make with them. It doesn't matter. Because aquedots were manufactured out of a material that when metabolized turns into GHB. Yes. That's right. Look, if you buy your kids aquedots, they just might accidentally overdose themselves on date rape drugs.

So good luck explaining that toxicology report to the police. You ever see that consumer probes get the dead acroid used to do one? Set it up. I am. Officer. And you guys remember the cabbage patch doll craze? Oh, they were made in a heroin. The only thing that would explain why anybody wanted those fuck. I know.

Well, I'm old, so I remember this shit, but you might not have heard about snack time cabbage patch. This fucking nightmare has a motorized jaw that is meant to eat little toy food things and then inexplicably shit them into the dolls backpacks. So can eat them again later like a one woman human Cenepeater how can this go wrong? The doll shits and then eats the shit that's made up of the shit that they... You gotta take it out of her backpack first. To me. So this voracious hell beast once set on devour was known for eating whatever its insatiable

jaws approached. Sometimes that was a kid's finger, but most often it was kid's hair, which once bound in the unstoppable mechanism of the cabbage patches evil maw would be pulled further and further into the guts of this contraption until several kids would become severely injured. At the factory he's just like, hey Dave, am I reading this way? You gave our cabbage patch doll the jaw strength to, and I'm quoting you here, rent flesh from bone. That's from bone, yeah. So, two questions.

Two. Why did you do that? And why is that a unit of measure? You can have this as a patchwriter. You know what I hear it now? I hear it. No, you said it. And of course, sometimes you open up your Christmas gifts and there were those unexplainable

summer-only presents. Yeah, put on a shelf and stare at for six months until the weather allowed you to finally enjoy your goddamn Christmas gifts dad Enter here the slip-in slide the slip-in slide is basically just like a big garbage bag You throw on the lawn and spray with a hose. This works in the winter. Yeah For real. So self real bad. What's boarded of kids? And that I promise is the operative word. Kids were supposed to run, launch themselves into the air,

and slide boldly down the lawn, careening out of control across the near-frictionless plastic. What fun. The problems are really twofold. First, people are fucking stupid, and many times kids slipped and slid their way, headfirst into immovable objects, such as cars and fences, or pets, or other people.

Does every fucking episode have to be political, Tom? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yes. The other problem is that above a certain size, the slip and slide is just an invitation to thoracic injury. Right. But by the time kids get to about 12 or so, they're too big for the sliding portion. And many a teen and adult has run, jumped, and then just thudded against the ground, breaking ribs, fracturing necks and spines and becoming paralyzed. You can still buy a slip and slide today, but after a recall of 9 million units, they edited this claimer that you should probably not actually use it.

Okay, but Tom, you're forgetting the best part of the slip and slide was the invisible razor sharp bridge halfway down it, which at some unknown point would rip off your fatdest friend's nipple. Heath it would rip off heath's nipple. Not if you do it with the ice but yes. And finally I have one nipple It's right in the middle too, which is weird. Okay, bragging I can't end now Finally, who would want to open the gifts out of the tree on Christmas morning and find a set of lawn darts? Oh, two that I own in the 80s, well done, top! Yes, these are amazing!

So lawn darts were supposed to live in the pantheon of great backyard games of skills, such as Batchibal, Cornhole, Horseshoes. The problem with lawn darts, however, is that they are basically pointed, weighted throwing missiles. Literally, not basically, that's what they are. It's it in fact, exactly. The goal of the game is to wing these things, high into the air, where the weight of the dart

would correct the trajectory, so that it's pointy, heavy stabby end, and it leads the way eventually falling to the earth and burying its metal nose deep into your lawn within the prescribed target circle. Of course, sometimes things didn't go smoothly, and by sometimes I mean at least 6,100 times. That is how many ER visits were attributed to lawn dart accidents. That feels low, honestly, given what they are. That's so low. A Laundaart hurled high into the air,

can at landing, in part 23,000 pounds of pressure per square inch. These things killed at least three people before they were finally banned. Well, actually, they got banned three different times. Yeah, wait, what? Yeah, what? Yeah, we banned them in 1976 here in the US, but only from the kids' aisle. So there was like a loophole and sporting good stories

where we're like, yeah, well, we're allowed to have it for adult games and then, you know, kids will never play it. Then we banned them again in 1988, because of death, like Tom was a kid dying.. Well, because of a kid dying. It turned out like a die from one. Regardless of what I older in. Yeah. Turns out the aisle of origin

doesn't matter when it's in your face. Yep, a dad whose kid died said he couldn't see the warning on the box and that was part of the argument. He couldn't see the warning about the danger of giant darts that were literally invented box and that was part of the argument. He couldn't see the warning about the danger of giant darts that were literally invented in ancient Rome as a weapon of war. That's seriously the origin. And then that's twice. I said we had to ban them three times. We had to ban them again in 1997, like, for realsies this time, and tell people to destroy the deadly weapon

that we know you obviously kept in your fucking garage. Yeah. So guys, it's a final aside, a final Christmas story. I want to tell you my Laundard story. My dad had these when I was growing up, and although we never one time ever played with them properly, my brother and I loved whipping them as high as we could straight into the air, and then scattering and running away before they land it.

That was almost as good as like ducking under the garage door as it was closing at the last second. Yeah, right. So what's jumping off the swings up to that shit all the time? One fine summer day. I asked my brother to hold the plastic target over his fucking head like William Tell but I was preparing to watch that fucking lawn dart right into my brother Bob's face Before my dad ran out of the house ripped the lawn darts from my hand and threw them in the garbage You dad was like obviously the apple goes on the side of the face at that point. You're doing it dumb. You don't put it on top, because that's how it's going to just read about William

Tell, for example. Idiots. All right, Tom, if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, have you learned anything, what would that sentence be? Merry Christmas. You filthy animals And are you ready for the quiz? Let's do it. All right. Well, since you brought it up anyway I'll ask you this one Tom. Yes, what is the worst aspect of Christmas? Hey, the fact that you now have to spend at least as much time every year listening to people bitch about Christmas music is you actually have to spend listening to Christmas music Christmas music's awesome.

Summer it is. B, the fact that all the Christmassy shit is over by like 10, 13 a.m. and then you're still stuck with all those motherfuckers all day and no Yeah, that's true. Oh, uh, C, how much better you guys are giving gifts than I am, huh? Oh, good. Or do you smell bad book was a really high school great.

I so did I, but he didn't even read the fucking thing. D, the fact that you can't even escape it by turning to your favorite secular podcast made up by a bunch of cynical atheists. Yeah. Well, these are all, these are all excellent. Obviously, when the question is, what's the worst aspect of Christmas, it is always secret answer, E, all are all excellent. Obviously, when the question is, what's the worst aspect of Christmas,

it is always secret answer E, all of the above. Yep, that is correct, sir. Well done. Excellent work. All right, Tom. So, lots of people were probably surprised at all the toys for children they were based on shit and come.

I would too. Which of the following is the best one that didn't get mentioned yet? A, the pooper-soaker-scwart gun. Or a, fantastic. B, lawn sharts. Poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo-p or see the Comty Dumpty. Actually. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and anybody could do. They have to let you. It's against the law. All right, Tom, which of the following are actual words spoken in the Usenator commercial? Hey, okay, now get me a tissue, happy birthday. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You gotta say that dead voice like you did the other thing.

Apparently, this is what Nick Christoff is pretty sure porn hudders. Or C major pumping required. A is the best thing you've ever done in one of these questions. That's it. That's it. Oh, it is the best thing I've ever done, but an actual quote towards the end of the USAID commercial is major pumping requires.

Bukak locked into smoking beer. Eli, well done. You are the winner. Bukak locked into smoking beer. Eli, well done, you are the winner. Alright, I want to hear an essay from Noah next week. I bet you too. Alright, well, for Tom, Noah and Eli, I'm Heath. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then Noah will be an expert on something else.

Between now and then you can hear Tom and Cecil on Cognitive Distance, and you can hear Eli knowing myself, on God awful movies, the skating atheist, the skeptic rat, and D&D minus. And if you'd like to finally give a gift to the nerds putting free stuff in your locker all year, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com-slash-sytation-pod. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, listen to past episodes, connect with us on social media, or take a look at the show notes, check out citationpod.com. And if you're missing Cecil, especially this week,

check out season liberally on YouTube. Yeah! Yes! So good. So good. So good. Okay, what if we poured the ooze into like, I don't know, a martini glass?

No, no, what? Johnson, I need you to stop coming to these meetings. At these meetings. Come. Come, a phone.