Citation Needed - Code Duello

Episode Date: April 25, 2018

A code duello is a set of rules for a one-on-one combat, or duel. Codes duello regulate dueling and thus help prevent vendettas between families and other social factions. They ensure that non-violent means of reaching agreement be exhausted and that harm be reduced, both by limiting the terms of engagement and by providing medical care. Finally, they ensure that the proceedings have a number of witnesses. The witnesses could assure grieving members of factions of the fairness of the duel, and could help provide testimony if legal authorities become involved.   Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Hi, yeah, I want to return this best friend bracelet. Yeah, yeah, store credit's fine. Oh, okay, I did have a one question though. Is there a way to prevent someone from regifting this particular item to me? Oh, okay, all right, well, yeah, I'd like to find out more about that. Okay, so now you have one shot left before Eli can talk. Wait, I already shot. Right, right, but it has to be two.

And then Eli can talk after the shot. Well, yeah, but you have to talk first. Hey guys, what's up? Oh, he and I are dueling over his insult to match on that episode where I was going. Your pug? Yeah, my pug, Cecil, my pug match. Okay, but match is a girl dog.

Ooh, we didn't think of that. So what does that mean? She's in my care. It means it's one degree higher. Yeah, I saw it say that higher than what though. I don't know, man. The other degree we were on. Question, when do I get to shoot again?

In a second, I swear, me and Tom should just take over. Take over. I'm a second. Tom, do you even know what a second is? For the big one is the minute hand and then, uh, yeah, nailed it, nailed it. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject to read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Noah and I'll

be mitigating the damage tonight but I won't be doing a very good job and I'm going to preemptively blame my co-hosts for that. First up are two men who settle their differences the old-fashioned way, not caring about them very much, Heath and Eli. Yeah. I felt feelings the other day, it was not fun. I did not enjoy that at all feelings are Okay, for your information. It's called psychopathy and Wow tweeted him

And also joining us tonight two men who settled their differences with a lifelong competitive eating showdown, Cecil and Tom. Every time I eat anything, I dip it in water and then shake a little to make more room. I do that wiggle, you know? Kobayashi Shokatsu. Yeah, of course. It's not a contest if everyone loses. That's it.

That's so true. Oh, I think North Korea is going to prove you wrong, sir. And before we get to the meat of the episode, I want to pause for a minute to thank our patrons. Without our patrons, I'd have nobody to thank during this segment. And then I just be flailing around here like a sound editor, winning an Oscar, and nobody wants that. Seriously, why the fuck do they just talk that into the technicals? Who gives this shit about sound editing? Anyway, have you liked to learn how to become a patron? Be sure to stick around to the end of the show

and with that out of the way, tell us, see, so what person plays thing concept phenomenon or event? Well, we'll be talking about today. Those sound editors do a lot of work. Those sound editors work real hard though. It's very, very hard. We just lost a pledge from Hans Zimmer. Do you want to know this guy? Lost a pledge? So today we're going to be talking about a subject very near and dear to my heart. The code duet low. I'm not going to say it like that. Good, good, good. That was a condition condition that was a condition of mine going forward and he didn't know It's gonna be said that you do this short This is do-o-lo we're going do-o-lo. He's do-o-lo. It's gonna be do-o-lo. Yeah, they're there. That's that's plenty That's fucking do-o-lo. All right

New York we fucking get around a nice kid fire Ashley and Karen here my bro Mikey G riblets here We're gonna talk about the code fucking Duel. Oh, it's gonna be fucking great. We're gonna fight with our shirts off We're gonna hog The whole with a different set of toothy women All right, I don't take my shirt off What I take my shirt off. That's ridiculous. What would I take my shirt off? Gross. No more outside.

All right. So, Heath, what is the code duelo? Great question. Noah. All right. So, a code duelo means a code of dueling. And it's an official set of rules established for the type of one-on-one combat known as a duel.

And the code duelo generally refers to the most famous and widely adopted of the code's duelo, which was written in Ireland in seven seven fucking course. It was written in Ireland. Okay. Ireland just fucking two guys hurling potatoes and whisk it each other and trying to remember the name of the wife they abandoned. Beautiful country. Beautiful country. Beautiful country. Racist, a lot of them are Catholic and they take the marriage seriously. They don't get divorced. It's a thing.

Shit. No, they just leave. Anyway, the code duelo eventually spread to the rest of Europe and also the new world, where it was the basis for the rules of head to head gun fights going forward. Yeah, really important to codify your barbaric rituals long after we all know better. That's why my circumcision book for kids is so important. Head to head gun fights. I'm not going to gun fight unless the tips touch.

No, you touch your tip tomorrow. Then we start. No, you first. Yours. That's what I was about. No, you talk to your tip to mine. Then we start. No, you first, you're first. That's what I was about. Yes, settling your differences through competitive circumcision would be amazing. If we can only bring one thing into the world

through this show, let that be our legacy. Okay, wait, I have questions. Is it speed or are we going for the technical? I need more information on the judging. It's definitely technical. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Nope, speed wrong.

Are we going for the first piece of the game component? There's a sheet component. It's like Nathan's contest. You want to get as many as possible. But she's the scariest. Before we get into the details of the code duelo of 1777, here's a little background on the practice of dueling in general. As 1777, here's a little background on the practice of dueling in general.

As most people already know, a duel is a formal combat between two people in which they agree to settle a dispute by battling each other in front of witnesses using agreed upon weapons and rules. It's been around for centuries with a variety of formats arising in different parts of the world. But regardless of all the variations, the unifying thread seems to be, uh, if I kill you, it turns out I was right about whatever the fuck it was. And, um, also, and this is the most important part.

We both have big dicks. Right. That is made clear. Okay. Question. Has anyone ever been like, okay, I choose rubber chickens. Yeah. I fucked up your tool.

He got to kill me with a rubber chicken now. Okay, great. Now I have to add that to my bucket list. It's, bucket list is now just the list of ways I want to die. It's just all it's been done. I was just assuming it was ways you wanted to kill Eli, my pants. They're not often mutually exclusive now. That's my bucket list.

Oh, now I want Tom to go to MythCon with a rubber chicken. It's so fun. All right, so, uh, dueling Tom to go to MithCon with a rubber chicken. All right. Dueling has its origins in the ancient tradition of single combat in which full scale army versus army warfare was sometimes replaced by a battle between a champion chosen by each side to represent them, which is also a perfectly acceptable way for a modern African nation to choose a king, Eli, you fucking racist. Great. Great. And in Western cultures, this idea helped inspire the practice of judicial dueling.

In medieval Europe, when a legal dispute couldn't be decided by confession or by evidence, it would often be settled using trial by combat. Again, the guy who murders the other guy in a fight was the one who was telling the truth, obviously. Wait, so the guy who murders the other guy, he's telling the truth. So that's what the Clintons did to Vince Foster, right? Who's that? I'm going to live onto this day.

When you first said judicial dueling, I was assuming they were going to fight with their little hammer. Oh, God, we'll do this. Yeah, that's awesome. All right, so there were two types of duel that arose from trial by combat during the Middle Ages. One was called feet of arms and the other was called shivirik combat.

The feet of arms was like the single combat tradition in which two large parties would settle their argument by each picking a knight to represent them. And the knights would dress up in full armor like I'm assuming Cecil is dressed up right now and fight with the agreed upon way. I am. I think that's a tacit understanding. He's tacit. He gets a tacit. Medieval armor deep cuts everyone. Medieval armor deep cuts here. Eli Gorgias. That works better on the page actually that works. Good.

Thank you for Mr. Oh, yeah, thank him. I couldn't bring himself to mispronounce it for a good. No, that's not me. I was just I couldn't mispronounce it. I couldn't. Shovel Ric Combat on the other hand as opposed to the feet of arms, uh, Shilvah Rick combat was the, uh, the nuns y'all past thing.

A knight or a group of knights would stake out a well-traveled spot like a bridge and insist that you had to duel if you wanted to get past. I would take that over traffic on the GW. It'd be so much more interesting. Yeah. Or you could leave your spurs and walk away and disgrace those. Yeah, that too. I would take that. And there's one other wrinkle. If single women went through, they'd leave a glove or a scarf.

And the next time a traveling night beat up the like house band night at the bridge, he'd take the lady token and redeem it for a fuck what what or or he'd refuse to fight and go fuck whoever he wanted anyway because consent wasn't really a thing. They're still hammering out the kinks in chivalry at that point. Why are they doing this? Like, why are they standing on the bridge? I think it's bored or in a fraternity or something? I don't think. So, in addition to all the night stuff, several other dueling formats popped up around the world at different times.

For example, in parts of India, aging warriors would decide it was time to die and they'd challenge somebody who is obviously going to kill them in a duel. These were called Yudha Don, which literally means combat charity, the charity being free youth in Asia via hitting you with a giant maraca called a God or a mace until you don't. I really doesn't sound much different than a nursing home though. I mean, it's probably much rather half a nurse carry around a giant mace. She just called bed sores.

I think that would be much easier. That's an awkward wake though, right? Just like, hey, Dave, right? Thanks so much for killing grandpa. You did a great job. Did you try the dip? It's, it's really great. Hey, it's either that or we keep letting them drive, guys. You civilized those. And one other format, by the way, that popped up in ancient India that I found

interesting was an oddly whimsical combination of family picnic games and stabbing. That took ideas from three-legged racing and also knife fighting. Two combatants would have a knife in their right hand while their left hands were tied together. And on the count of three, they'd both very easily stab each other. Right. We just call that marriage now,

because when you call it off, you have to give a party or arm. So that makes sense. Only were that cheap. I mean, look, I get showing how funky and strong is their fight, but it doesn't matter who's wrong or right. Just beat it. You could just beat it.

Another fun, dueling tradition emerged in the Ionian islands of Greece during the 19th century. And much like the three armed knife race from ancient India, this one also took a fun thing and added stabbing. Oh, please be fuck stabbing. Please be fuck stabbing. Please be fuck stabbing. It's Greece. So we've got a chance. It's Greece. The standard weapon in these Ionian duels was a knife, but before you would actually fight, the tradition was you'd have a roost battle with your opponent at a bar beforehand. And apparently you're supposed to be throwing around sexually explicit insults at each other. That was the rule. So it was like, I didn't come when we fucked.

Me neither. Stab you. That was the rule. So it was like, I didn't come when we fucked me neither. Stab you. That was like, all right. Well, Germany also had a dueling tradition of its own. And it's pretty terrifying, even within the category of sword fighting to death. There's a lot of juice. They jostled with juice. Juice. No, no, but well, kind of yeah, but that's not what I was going to say. So there's I'm juicing they jowspot with juice. Juicing. No, no, but well, kind of yeah, but that's not what I was going to say. So there's a modern form of this one that's, it's actually a nonlethal version called mensur or academic fencing, but the traditional format from, from old time Germany, it's absolutely absurd.

The fighters would stand still with no armor, no helmets and no faceguards, and the goal was to hit the other guy's face and head with your sword, which was even easier than it sounds because flinching and dodging were not allowed. I don't understand. So apparently the entire goal was to be educated in character by just like stoically enduring all the face step. That was the point. Feeling the secret to that one was to go first. Yeah. Right.

All right. So all these different styles from around the world were great in their own way. But the art of the duel really took a sharp pivot at some point when one guy said, you know, on guard with a sword and the other guy shot him in the face with a gun. Where that second guy was, he was the dick Fossbury of the world. It was never again the same. And the pistol duel became a staple of European culture for centuries. And eventually part of American culture too. Armor deep cuts, high jump deep

cuts were killing it this week. No, break out the ancient Mesopotamian jibes. If you got them, now's your chance. Well, actually interesting note, did you know that Fosbury never actually held the world high jump record Eli, but hey, it's not like King Josiah of Judah needed to survive the Battle of Megadome for Pharaoh, and that's all the second to shit the bed at Karsha Mas him, all right? All right. I like this. This is fun, very inclusive.

Let's keep doing more of this. Let's talk about all this. For Eli sake, I didn't pronounce any of those words right. Talk about all this stuff I know that you guys don't. Go ahead. I'm done. Yeah All right, so quick side note on all this pistol dueling got so popular one point It actually made it to the Olympics. Yeah, no, and that was the only event in the 1940 games Yeah, apparently it turned into a huge sport by the late 1800s, especially in France.

And it was basically the original paintball. They used wax bullets without any gunpowder charge. And the athletes wore protective clothing and a helmet with a glass eye shield. And they tried this out at the 1908 Summer Games in London as a non-metal event. They held the same event years later on the set of the crows. I feel super confused. They used no gunpowder charge. So what do they do?

You just yell bang at each other. What is the flag comes up? Like Jai Eli, you got a you got a whip it. You got a whip it. I think it was like the primer for the cartridge. But yeah, it's a great question. Anyway, back to the story. We're into the late part of the 18th century, and Europe was learning how great it was

to bring a gun to a sword fight. So pretty soon both people were doing it, also known as a gun fight. And that brings us to the code Duelo of 1777. Apparently all the pistol dueling was getting a little out of hand, but rather than outlaw gunfighting, a team of idiot politicians in Ireland decided to make a set of rules for, you know, an orderly gunfight between gentlemen. Oh my god. Are you fucking the first rule of gunfighting club should just be no fucking gunfighting. Yeah. So I'm baffled by this, but apparently the gunfighting world was very impressed by the Irish code. And variations of the code ended up getting adopted all over. And as we all know, nobody loves a robust set of rules about guns

more than Americans. Especially in the American South, where everything from political campaigning to the phrase, pardon me, was being replaced by doles at this point. All right, well, it sounds like we're about to get into the official rules of the code Duelo, but before we do, let's take a quick break

for some apropos of nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the 1908 Summer Olympic Games. We were just about to see the first ever demonstration of pistol duel. An exciting day for Royal Yoss. Indeed, the gunmen are taking their marks. Three, two, one. Ow! Fuck you, Kyle! You got a brain in the arm! Ah, fuck you, Ow! And you got me in the chest! The fucking hurts! Ah, it appears both competitors were shot there.

Fussin' right, sir. Indeed, they're lining up for the second shot now. Three, two. What the fuck? Sorry, I got nervous. I got nervous. Ah, well fuck you, who cares for Jesus? Seriously? You shot me? Ah, dick.

And both competitors shot again. Not quite the same thing when getting shot doesn't stop you from shooting the other person, huh? Indeed, riveting, riveting all the same. Stop, ow! Stop! Stop! You stop! You stop shooting!

This is personal. I'm three, ow! We'll stop shooting at the same time. One, two. Two. One, two, and we're back when we left off. Heath was hinting a little too heavily on how Tom and Ciso might finally settle the proper way to scoop Neapolitan ice cream debate. Yeah, he's saying the truth.

Oh, it's a cross. Not that she's a cross. No, it's not. I will do it right now. It's I demand satisfaction. So fucking let's do it I choose the weapons you challenge me He's you don't like this. Why would you let Cecil choose the weapons? This is literally what he's been waiting for for years Terrible terrible crap. He is a big calendar. He just struggled the day on it. Sarah's sowing some gloves made out of leather. I will see you first day. That would be fun. We'll spice up OK now. Now you've done it. Now you've gone and made

Cecil happy. You wouldn't like him when he's happy. Oh, like, not that I'm looking forward to increasing our share of the shows profit by 5% each, but just in case someone was interested in doing something like that, what would them rules you were talking about? 5% assumes only one of them dies and the, well, I'm assuming, yeah, because it's Cecil and it's a duel with no offense, all right I withdraw whatever we were I felt like we got kind of mad at each other earlier it's like I don't like it was just words and like I think we can all agree that I was clearly kidding obviously you said across that we need to be on the field before I accept your politics. We'll get to that in a minute.

Back to the story. These Irish leaders, they all met up in the summer of 1777 and came up with 27 official rules of gunfighting and they are the silliest. So let's just get right into it. Rule number one, the first offense requires the first apology, though the retort may have been more offensive than the insult. Example, A tells B, he is impertinent, et cetera. B retorts that A is a liar. This is a gun fight. This is a gun fight. And these are exact words from the code duelo. A tells me he's a pertinent,

et cetera. B retorts that a lies, yet a must make the first apology because he gave the first offense. And after one fire, B may explain away the retort by subsequent apology. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. After the first shot. So he's bleeding out and you're just like, okay, so what I said was, you know what? Never mind. I don't know you this. You shot me. I'm sorry now. All right.

Rule number two, if the parties would rather fight on, then after two shots each, but in no case before, B may explain first and a, apologize afterwards. Yeah, but if you substitute apology for paid administrative leave, it sounds just like standard police policy. I never apologize. Then these, these rules seem like a good way to resolve the conflict like without shooting each other. I'm shooting someone.

I feel like I've lost interest in their explanation Well, we haven't talked it out. We look now ship is fucking sailed when you shoot me Yeah, they seem real focused on the talking and the shooting they seem confused. They seem confused Yeah rule number three if a doubt exists who gave the first defense the decision rests with the seconds exists who gave the first offense the decision rests with the seconds. By the way, seconds are your gentlemen, buddy, who acts as your negotiator and also like your bench player to sub in during the dual. So anyway, continue with the quote, if the seconds will not decide or cannot agree, the matter must proceed to two shots or to a hit if the challenger requires it. Oh my God, Europeans are so bad at sports.

They've made it shooting other people into face monotonous. I just find this whole thing still confusing if no doubt existed. Why would they be shooting at each other? I don't understand that. That's rules. And rule number four, when the lie direct is the first

defense, the aggressor must either beg pardon in express terms, exchange two shots previous to apology or three shots followed by explanation or fire on till a severe hit be received by one party or the other. So I don't, I'm kind of confused with you. So you can just keep lying and shooting if you want. And also some of the positive integers are two and three. Do I have that right? Is that what they just told us? This is so confusing.

I'm just picturing four guys standing in a circle shooting and screaming apologies. It's like a quinter in Tino movie. I'm just picturing four guys standing in a circle shooting and screaming apologies Like a Quentin Tarantino movie I'm picturing the very real historical circumstances of one guy shooting another guy and him going no no I haven't apologized yet Hello arguing over like the free parking space and monopoly or whatever And rule number five, as a blow is strictly prohibited under any circumstance among gentlemen,

no verbal apology can be received for such an insult. The alternatives therefore are one, the offender handing a cane to the injured party to be used on his back at the same time begging part part or two, firing until one or both are disabled or three exchanging three shots and then begging pardon without the proffer of the camera. I mean, they're trying to make this sound civilized, but what's actually happening is, Plam, are you sorry now? Plam, Plam, how about now?

I think this is where it pays off to be an inter-turtle. is, damn, are you sorry now? Blimp, blimp, how about now? Can I hit you with a game now? I think this is where it pays off to be a ninja turtle. Sure, you can hit me in the back of the game. No worries, go ahead. I'm gonna do it. It's your way, so horror again. No, no, right. You can hit me.

You can hit me again. This is just sex play. Like, guys, wackin' this shit out of something, dude, say it. No, I don't want, say it. Say you're sorry, you bad boy, say it. You kidding me? Jokes on whatever ancient Victorian version of some guy went up against me where I would just be like, hey, flick you. Oh, no. Don't use the game. He like, I really see your erection. No.

Got to follow the rules. I go, Do it. Take our shirts off. No, I'm both sorry. Yeah. Doesn't say anything about shooting yourself. You're allowed to do that.

So rule number six, David. David Caridine. Jesus. Rule number six. If A gives B the lie and B retorts by a blow being the two greatest defenses. No reconciliation can take place until after two discharges each or a severe hit, after which B may beg A's pardon for the blow and then A may explain simply for the lie because a blow is never allowable and the offense of the lie therefore merges in it. So what?

Are people know I get it. It's atheist podcasting. I follow it. I follow. Okay, I don't like these rules. Like a blow is always allowable. I would take one at the morgue identifying the body of my first born son. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's when you need one. I mean, if you're in, I'm in, I'm just weird on you. Not Tom and Eli are really making us add to these rules. We need several new rules now. All right. Number seven, no apology can be received in any case after the parties have actually taken their ground without exchange of shots. Rule number eight, in the above case, no challenger is obliged to divulge his cause

of challenge if private unless required by the challenged so to do before their meeting. I don't have to say what he caught me with my dick in. I don't have to say rule number eight, mother fuckers looking up. Just shut me. Why are we doing none of your business? I mean, a tool,

rule number nine, all accusations of cheating at play, races, et cetera, to be considered equivalent to a blow. I think a blow means punching or hitting. Is that what you mean by that? Okay. So any kind of cheating at stuff is equal to the blow, but maybe reconciled after one shot on admitting their falsehood and begging pardon publicly. And I think some of these might be good White House rules to do. Rule number 10. Any insult to a lady under a gentleman's care to be considered as by one degree a greater offense than if given to the gentleman personally. So that's a fun one. You know when your drunk

girlfriend starts mouthing off to some huge the barlet. Let's go ahead and escalate that with a gunfighting rule about that. That'll be perfect. And if your girlfriend hits him And he replies by yelling a lie about her cheating at races everyone shoots themselves and then apologizes to me The Irish had to really think this all the way through The Irish had to really think this all the way through. It is the rule. A pretty sure you like correctly synthesized everything so far. Yeah, they did not think it through.

So number 11 offenses originating or accruing from the support of ladies' reputations to be considered as less unjustifiable than any others of the same class. And as admitting of Slater Apologies to your Greaser. Okay, wait. Isn't this a book by Jordan B. Peterson? No, it's too clear.

It's too clear. Are we fighting about the, I don't know, hang on, I have to diagram this sentence first to figure this out. And moving on to rule number 12, if you're fighting with swords, first draw, first sheath, unless blood be drawn, then both sheath and proceed to investigation. I key instructions got weird, man. Yeah, right? Like two guys with tiny Alan wrenches trying to kill each other and apologize. And rule number 13, no dumb firing or firing in the air is admissible in any case. Looking at you, Anna, Alexander Hamilton. Right. Yeah. That was one of like thousands and thousands of fights that were governed by

these rules exactly that we're explaining right now. Sarah Hamilton, Nellandberg, and Aaron Berr. Okay, continuing, the challenger ought not to have challenged without receiving a fence and the challenged ought, if he gave a fence, to have made an apology before he came on the ground. Therefore, children's play must be dishonorable on one side or the other and is accordingly prohibited. Yeah, damn right. Or in modern parlance, don't be a big pussy about it. Okay. No kids stuff. Just two guys disappointed walking out of the pool after trying to chicken fight their way back to honor. Rule number 14, seconds to be of equal rank in society with the principles they attend, and as much as a second, may either choose or chance to become a principal and equality

is indispensable. So much like the rules of golf at the time, no Jews, no blacks in your force. Okay, that is not the rule for all for some. So I just want to say right now. And rule number 15, challenges are never to be delivered at night unless the party to be challenged intends leaving the place of offense before morning for it is desirable to avoid hot headed proceedings.

Boom. They had no texting your acts after midnight rollback done, too, I guess. That's a good rule. I'd hate to get into a gun fight with a guy I was angry at. That would just be stupid. Idiots. And moving on to 16, the challenge has the right to choose his own weapons unless the challenger gives his honor. He is no swordsman. After which, however, he cannot decline any second species of weapon proposed by the challenge.

Okay. So that's a big old yes on the rubber chicken, Eli. It is. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Number 17. The challenge chooses his ground. The challenger chooses his distance. The seconds fix the time and terms of fire.

Again, total loophole here, just like cool. I choose 845 miles. Damn it. Yeah, right. I got it. Well, you stay here. I'm going to fucking one. Two.

Number 18, the seconds load in presence of each other, unless they give their mutual honors that they charged smooth and single. I don't know what that means. I can't load in the presence of someone else. I get stage fright. I just can't do it. Smooth and single. Like, are they fighting with old cigarette commercial slogans, what the fuck is that? Firing may be regulated first by signal, secondly, by word of command, or thirdly at pleasure. What? In the latter case, the parties may fire at their reasonable leisure, but second presence and rests are strictly prohibited. I feel like you're going to need a shot clock or this is going to go forever. No rest, no naps. I feel like you're gonna need a shot clock or this is gonna go forever. I feel like a patient.

No rest, no naps. I feel like I'd already lose it, do a licks. I'm not Jesus. Hold on, hold on, I'm laying down. I'm a full tire. Yeah, hold on. And rule number 20, in all cases, a misfire is equivalent to a shot.

And a snap or a non-cock is to be considered a misfire. That's lesbian, sister. That's lesbian, sister. At number 21, seconds are bound to attempt a reconciliation before the meeting takes place or after sufficient firing or hits. A tradition carried on in Heathen-Eus hometown today known as dragging Dave through the parking lot yelling, let it go man, he's not worth it.

Let it go. No, 22. Any wound significant to agitate the nerves and necessarily make the hand shake must end the business for that day. There's no time out. I'm out. So nobody duels Michael J. Fox.

I mean, I just figured stand on there waiting to get shot will be enough to agitate the name. I'm like, what the fuck, man? People are just tougher back then. No wait, stupider. People are fucking stupider back then. And number 23, if no apology or explanation can or will be received, the challenge takes his ground and calls on the challenger to proceed as he chooses. In such cases, firing at pleasure is the usual practice, but maybe varied by agreement. That's weird. I usually fire after pleasure, not at teach their own. I don't want to be serious.

And number 24, in slight cases, the second will hand his principal, but one pistol, but in gross cases too, holding another case ready charged in reserve. Yeah. 24 subsection B. And if you and your opponent wind up on the ground with a gun at each other's head and you're both out of ammo, you can resort to kung fu fighting. And rule over 25, when the seconds disagree and resolve to exchange shots themselves, it must be at the same time. I don't see how that's possible.

And at right angles with their principles. Fuck you. What? Right angles. I thought there were fighting because one of them was being obtuse. That doesn't know. She's stuck. That's fucking awesome. Fuck you. What? Right, Angles. I thought they were fighting because one of them was being obtuse. That doesn't know. That's fucking awesome. Fuck you. It's not terrible. Fuck you. All right. We got two more rules. These two were added later by like some other part of Ireland. I don't know. Rule number 26. No party can be allowed to bend his knee or cover his side with his left hand. Don't see how that fucking matters.

But, may present at any level from the hip to the eye. I love that they had to have that. This rule was so clearly invented for one of my ancestors who just turtle them like, find, go for it. Shoot me. I'm Ziggin. I'm Ziggin. I'm Ziggin. I'm Ziggin.

Serpentine. Serpentine. But you could do that all zombie with your knees straight. You could just drop to the ground straight. Straight need. I don't know. Beach body, man. Can you block a bullet with a hand?

Those old tiny bullets, yeah. Really? Find out Thursday. That was clearly a joke. I think we all agree. We're not using guns. We're using good old-fashioned clear like guns, rubber chickens. I prefer you see Silicon. I would like to pop. You have to wait until after the first shot.

As a second, can I jerk off to this? Only at a white angle. You have to be until after the first shot. As a second, can I jerk off to this? On the other white angle, you have to be on a right angle. And it has to be at the exact same time. That is important. Oh, Jesus Christ. That is very important. I would ruin so many duels just. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Man, can you stop? We're doing the whole thing. I'm not doing anything. Anybody want to do a meal later? I'll turn around and give you a cane, make it worse. That's what I thought. Get back to cane. Nobody's second. He just shows up at these things. Get him in his big mutton chops. Get him right in the mutton chops.

All right. We got one final rule rule number 27. None can either advance or retreat if the ground is measured. If no ground be measured, either party may advance at his pleasure, even to the touch of muscles, that's crazy. It's not gay yet if they just touch though. But, but neither can advance on his adversary after the first fire unless the adversary steps forward on him. Yeah, this is the come at me, bro, rule. Yeah, this is. I just feel like after you touch your muscles at the time, you just stop pretending and fall, right?

Yeah. You know that was two guys that were like, okay, why don't we just, come on, this will be fun. And we're tickling each other. Oh my God. What happened? Like you will. If you start tickling the other person, they'll have to win a duel. That should be that should be rule number 28. It's like it's like chicken fighting. Like if you kiss the guy, you always win. That's not like chicken fighters. I don't think you know how chicken fighting works. Oh, yeah. Well, why don't you chicken fight me when I start kissing you?

You freak out. We'll see if I know how to chicken fight. They definitely, definitely put some serious creative energy into crafting murder sports. Great code by my crazy ancestors. Real proud. But by far, my favorite dueling tradition was knife based instead instead of gun-based, saved it for last, and it actually came out of Indonesia. In the Bugus Makasar community, they'd have the two competitors fight to the death while

both inside the same Sarang. Yep. The challenger would stand there with a loose Sarong and say very respectfully, that was mentioned specifically, very respectfully, they would say, please step into my flowy dress, use Scalowag, I demand satisfaction. And the other guy would super awkwardly wriggle himself into the Sarong with the first guy. And then they'd use knives and I'm assuming erections to fight the best traditions, the

best tradition ever. That should replace the second amendment. That's really the second amendment. Just NRA TV. Absolutely. I'd watch every day. All right. If you had to summarize what you've learned in a single sentence, what would it be?

Uh, don't start any shit with Joe Biden. Or Cecil. All right. So we're about to start the quiz. Uh, you are the challenge. So I believe you get to stand wherever you want and Cecil has to apologize for the first offense and then hit you with a cane. Are you ready?

I am. I was bent over before we even start. I will appropriate question, which of the following heath is a gun term and totally not a gay sex term? A. Cock. B. Wad. C. Ejection Rod. For D. Hotload. I really, what I want to know what an ejection rod is. Is that a real thing, and either? C ejection rod. Yes.

Okay, Heath, two shots have been fired, and person B is offering an explanation. What, according to the code Duelo, was his offense? Is it A? Oh my God, who cares? Okay, you need another one. B, other. I, it's, I, first person, the rules, was there a woman involved? Ooh. Cause it changes it.

In this case. Yes. B. Yep. Funnier than tulips. Fuck you. All right. Dueling is a genuinely stupid way to solve any disagreement at all. What are other options that are preferable?

A. Rock paper scissors. B, wet t-shirt counts. Overluck. C, a winner takes all game of mouse traps. Often used. It won't work for the hand. We'll push it into the into the tub. Or D judge Judy. It's just all be just. I'm saying it's I've definitely won many a wet t-shirt contest. I was going to say Cecil on Thursday, I challenge you to a wet t-shirt contest. He's challenged me. I get to choose the weapons. A few challenges.

I choose moves at five feet. All right. All right. Now if I'm getting this right, Tom fired after B offer the third offense to A while holding the Calvin ball. So he is our winner tonight, which means that he's going to take over his host next week. And he gets to decide who does the essay next week, because let's face at our code, Duelo, isn't much clearer than the one he's just with her. All right. Well, I will pick you Noah, because you just said my name. And I feel like I should say yours now. Yeah. Well, no, it's in the script and everything. Okay. Well,

now I'll toss it over to Sarah for last week's Twitter answer at this week's Twitter question. Thanks Noah. Last week's question was if the guys were to start an alt coin, what should they call it? The answer comes from Freudian slip on Twitter with this. Puga Pega coin. This week's question is what should be rule number one for dueling while inside a sarong with your opponent? What should be rule number one for dueling while inside a sarong with your opponent? Just retweet or face book share this episode with your answer for a chance to be next week's winner.

Back to you Noah. Alright, well for Cecil Eli Heath and Tom, I'm that other guy thanking you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then I'll be an expert on something else between now and then you can catch more of Tom and Cecil by listening to cognitive dissonance or going anywhere harmful microbes are present You can also hear more of Heath, Eli, and me on the skating aides, God awful movies in the skeptic rap because we work hard to No matter what the guys with the job say and if you'd like to help keep this show going you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com

slash citation pod or leave us a five star review everywhere you can and if you'd like to get in touch with us Check out past episodes connect with us on social media or check the show notes Be sure to check out citationpod.com.