Citation Needed - Craziest Sports

Episode Date: April 22, 2020

Sport includes all forms of competitive physical activity or games which,[1] through casual or organized participation, at least in part aim to use, maintain or improve physical ability and skills while providing enjoyment to participants, and in some cases, entertainment for spectators.[2] Sports can bring positive results to one's physical health. Hundreds of sports exist, from those between single contestants, through to those with hundreds of simultaneous participants, either in teams or competing as individuals. In certain sports such as racing, many contestants may compete, simultaneously or consecutively, with one winner; in others, the contest (a match) is between two sides, each attempting to exceed the other. Some sports allow a "tie" or "draw", in which there is no single winner; others provide tie-breaking methods to ensure one winner and one loser. A number of contests may be arranged in a tournament producing a champion. Many sports leagues make an annual champion by arranging games in a regular sports season, followed in some cases by playoffs.

So what are they gonna do for the finale? Yeah, hard to say. We don't even know if Cherry made it in yet. But we assume she did. Maybe. They could just be covering the season though. I guess that's true. Yeah.

And that is beans and grapes. What, how was that possible? Because I get double knife bonus, Tom. Okay, that doesn't seem like it. Double knife bonus, of course. Okay, hey guys. Hey guys, what's going on? What are you doing?

Oh, hey, see, so you like it? It's called Yadra Hanna. Hange feels feels like you made that up. Just as nice as that's right. Yep. Yeah, he did. So, you know, you know, without work, we went through all the board games. All of them. Then we watched everything on Netflix and Disney Plus that catalog gone. And And Hulu. Yep. And then I remembered this week's topic and I realized, hey, what's a game that never gets boring? One that risks your life. Yeah, see that.

You got hunting knives, um, jar of bleach over there. And is that a crossbow? Did you bring a crossbow for this game? Yeah, but that's only for the bonus round. So you can't use that. Guys, guys, this is ridiculous. There's plenty to do without throwing

hot knives around and drinking poison and stuff like that. Yeah, I mean, I guess we could just read the news. All right, Scoot over, I'm in, I'm in. So are there like teams or is it? Yeah, there are teams. Zibs on Cecil! Zibs on Cecil! Crap! I'll trade me a knife for Cecil or is it? Yeah, there are teams. Zibs on Cecil! Zibs on C-Crap! Hey, trade me a knife for Cecil.

No way, no what? No, Cecil stabby lies. That's my Cecil. My pleasure. It's not even started yet. My pleasure. Different game. I'm outta clones. Hello and welcome to CitationNate at the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single

article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm No Illusions and I'll be leading the charge But if I do that alone, it's just running forward. So I brought some friends along First up we have two men who already had the I've been waiting here forever beers before the coronavirus ever showed up Cecil and Eli. Yeah, it's a hair filter. Thank you very much And see I like to think I've just convinced a percentage of central New Jersey I'm at down on his

Orthodox rabbis, so. No, I'm difficult. I nailed it. Also joining us, of course, tonight are two men who started plotting early on how to hide the social distancing all clear from me, Heath and Tom. It's all about anti-social networks. I mean, all that really takes us is just not

hawking to you. I've got a cover already Ten years from now Noah's gonna have like a sign to be aware of coronavirus dogs. They're just runner All right, well apparently me and Tom are done speaking terms. So he asked Tom What person plays think except for now, but I don't know if that we'll be talking about today. Tom No, I would like to know. Yeah, what person plays thing concept phenomenon or event We're gonna be talking about today. Well, I'll tell you he I'll tell him But don't pass that along

I'm talking about the top. Yeah, no, you don't it's he can't even hear this. It's fine The top 10 craziest sports in the world that you probably have not heard of. So, could be really any sport at all for Eli and I. That's one of our four easiest ones in there for you guys. Do you know one? All right. So, uh, Heath, you read the listicle or are we let's think even gonna believe what happens what happens next is one simple trick of Hundreds of women in your area want to play sports with you

So crazy sport, but before we get into the official top 10 of sports you probably haven't heard of We're gonna start with a big honorable mention for one of the most well-known sports in the United States the most profitable professional sports league in our very upsetting country is based around a game in which everyone puts on about 20 pounds of armor, then smashes into each other head first for about five or 10 seconds,

then there's a very long time out. And then they all do it again, about a hundred more times. Usually this ends with one team having more sports points and also leads to several violent brain injuries that eventually lead to the murder suicide of entire family. This game is called American football. And the total revenue for the National Football League was almost $20 billion. Last year. God.

Humans are so weird, you can basically just fonsey jukebox them into some murderous shit. Right. Right. Yeah, little piece of trivia. See, so when you hit something in order to fix it, that's a term for that's called percussive maintenance. Huh.

Or in the 50s, we call that parenting. So just, oh, my God. That's the way. In the Bible, they call that parenting. So just, oh, that's the way. In the Bible, they call that labor. So even as a big NFL fan, I freely admit that $20 billion concussion ball feels pretty ridiculous.

It seems illegal. If you describe it in words, it's also famous for colluding against a prominent Black Lives Matter activist in Khan Kaepernick. And for constantly ignoring big name players like Ben Rothlesberger getting me to and letting those people keep playing. If America was a sport, it would be American football. Everyone just a little not exercise. Every picture picture the worst garbage human being bully you remember from high school You got it if you didn't go to high school with Eli you're probably picturing a football player Okay, I'll have you know I played football

You're on the football team you didn't what position did you play what what name a position? Sorry, I should have clarified I played a football in an object study class Okay, but football is not even close to the craziest concept out there and in order to find a few the most absurd sporting events in the world We're gonna start by heading over to the X European X Empire known as the United Kingdom And that brings us to number 10 on the list, Ferret Legging. And yes, it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like. It sounds like either adding or subtracting the legs

from a ferret, so I hope not. Sometime, maybe, so contestants put a live ferret in their pants. What? Basically, that's a smaller version of a honey badger, if you're not familiar with ferrets. And they see who can last the longest with a small honey badger in their pants.

Be... Before they come? Ah, what the fuck? What is the matter with you? What? What, Heath was vague. Heath was vague. I'm not that vague. No, no. Every time I don't say, and not before they come, Fuck what is the matter with you? What's what heath was vague heath was not

Every time I don't say and not before they come do you think it's come Yes, come on With drawn so the origin of ferret lagging is actually disputed Yeah, just in case you ever thought you were in the dumbest argument ever. No. You know what I'm saying. According to one theory, there was a time in England when only rich people were allowed to keep animals used for hunting. So ferret poachers had to hide their illegal ferrets, and they landed on crotch as the best of the spot for that.

We're just let apparently some Scottish people are adamant that Ferret Legging actually became prominent in Scotland. They're actively trying to be recognized for being the pioneers of crotch animal sport. She's scruced. I'm Italian and untrimmed. You put a ferret in my pants and in a few days it's going to be given soliloquies like Colonel Kurtz from Apocalypse Now. I mean, looking at the camera and just being like the horror, the horror, the horror. Is that a ferret in your pants or are you just bleeding profusely?

I mean, I know we're not supposed to kick shit. I feel like we can make an exception for this one. It's an interesting one. So regardless of where the sport of ferret legging was officially invented, it naturally dwindled in popularity, mostly for being fucking stupid. But there was a resurgence in the 1970s, especially among the coal miners of Yorkshire, England. And it fizzled again until the lovely people of Richmond, Virginia decided there. Crotch injury sporting scene was lagging and they set up a national

flagging competition that lasted for 2003 until 2009. It's too long. But yeah, that is way too long, more than zero. But it looks like the people of Virginia never really mastered the game. The way the British had the world record is still held by Edward Simpkins of England Who had one or more ferrets inside his pants for five hours and ten minutes during a competition in 1977? That's all so too long! Jesus Christ! And despite multiple bite wounds, violent bite wounds, you could see the blood coming out.

He kept going and even played through his game of darts that he was also playing during this at a pub where they had the event. Okay, but I kind of want the ferrets post game interview, right? To do that. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, enduring terrible pointless agony for hours on end, we have replaced ferrets in our pants for arguing online. I miss the ferrets. Yeah, ferrets are better. All right. So objectively less crazy than American football. It's easy to explain fewer injuries. I can see immediately why it would be fun to watch. And according to legend, at least it arose because somebody had to do it once. What else do you have, Heath? All right, next up, also from England at number nine, we have the Eaton wall game.

This is a tradition that dates back to the early 1800s at the Eaton school, the most prestigious prep school in the UK. And that's where a bunch of rich white boys invented a combination of rugby, soccer, and I love this part. It's like made up backyard game with stupid house rules about like the corner of the shed and second tree that it's just made up shit like that. And it all happens with 20 players, 10 against 10 in a big pile against a long, slightly curved brick wall on the Eaton campus.

The link to the playing field is 110 meters along this wall, and the width is the five meters of grass right next to the wall. And the game clearly started out like UFC with basically no rules. Your team had to somehow get the ball to the other side and you could do everything except murder. And spoiler, I kind of just described number one on the list except it's with murder sometimes. And the eating game might have actually allowed murder too, but a bunch of British rich kids just never pulled it off. But that's the basic idea of the game. It's just that way, ball. Okay. This sounds like gladitorial red

rover. And like, I've never played sports in my life. This one, I could go varsity on this. Yeah. Well, and this is not to be confused with American football, which is way different than that way, Paul. There's the field is. Yeah. It's like no wall, there's no dimensional. I see the outfits they were in when they're playing this, they look like, they look like that hamburger, when on fucking project runway or something, like it's awesome. It's fantastic.

So the game actually, it got a set of rules eventually written on a scroll of old timey parchment no doubt with the 16th and latest revision to those rules coming in 2001. They're super serious about it. So here's how it works. The two teams get into a big scrum next to the midpoint of the wall. The ref puts a round ball in the middle of that scrum, and everyone starts just smushing each other and trying to roll the ball out of the pile

and kick it down field towards their goal. On one end, the goal is a garden door, and on the other end, it's a tree. And you score points one of three ways. You can kick the ball and hit your goal for five points. You can ram the pile towards your goal along the wall and get to your end zone. That's the last few meters of the field called the Calc's.

And then when you're in the end zone, you can pin the ball against the wall with your foot. And if a teammate touches the ball with their hand, you get one point. That's called a shy. And then after a shy, you can get nine more points by throwing the ball from your end zone and hitting your goal.

Okay, okay. Quidditch is starting to make a lot more sense. I get it now. Yeah. They play informal matches all throughout the year at Eaton. But the big game happens annually on St. Andrews Day when the scholarship kids, known as the Collegers, make up a team out of their 70 students and they take on the

O'Pidens, a team chosen from the rest of the school, which is about 1,250 other students. And apparently, the super nerd team of much smaller total choosing, they actually win sometimes, but the most common result is a zero, zero tie because the game's fucking stupid. But the nine point goal happens about once every 10 years, across all the games they play. And there hasn't been a nine pointer in the St. Andrews Day game since 1909.

And just for context, Eaton is basically a funnel for turning your kid into a member of parliament or just aristocracy in general. And Boris Johnson actually went to Eaton and played for that nerd squad of scholarship kids in the wall game. So that's what the future leaders of the UK are doing. They're, uh, they're playing a game where pretty much nobody ever wins. Tracks and they're continuing it in the day for Brexit. That makes sense. Trained right up for it. Yeah. And if people will spent two billion dollars a year consuming it in its merchandise, you'd come up with one crazier than American football. Try again. crazier than American football. Try again.

All right. Next up at number eight, we have the Cooper's Hill cheese rolling and wake. Sounds like two things. I can't find anything that explains how a funeral ceremony is connected to this sporting event. So I'm just assuming that people die, which seems ridiculous when the main title of the event

is cheese rolling, but I'll explain the sport and a death pole is gonna make perfect sense. So the event takes place in the village of Brockworth every year, and the idea is pretty simple. They take a nine pound wheel of double-glouster cheese, put it in a wooden ring, and roll it down a very steep hill with a one second head start

and then a mob of people chases after it. If anyone catches up to the cheese and grabs it, they win. But that doesn't happen because, you know, a nine pound wheel of cheese on this particular very steep hill quickly reaches a speed of about 70 miles. Jesus Christ. The winner, except for maybe one time, the winner is whoever gets to the bottom of the 200 yard hill first.

And if you're picturing people running down a hill, you have it all wrong. It's a fucking disaster. It looks like the end of Titanic when the ship goes almost vertical. Please watch this video again, chance. I mean, to search for Cooper's Hill cheese roll. I just think it's making amazing. Okay, this is the dark side of universal healthcare

that Mitch McConnell has warned us about. Couple decades of free doctor visits and let's all throw ourselves down a hill and it comes as a sport. I'm just's all throw ourselves down a hill that comes as sport. I'm just saying. Eli has a hundred percent right. People need to watch this.

There's one guy who threw himself down the hill. It's so hard. He knocked himself unconscious and then just flops the whole way down. He just all the trouble. It's amazing. My life is more fucking complete in every goddamn way for having watched this like Imagine if like every version of the barefoot idiot in a 7-Eleven parking lot purposely gave himself a concussion and you got to watch it like

We're gonna get to the redneck games in a second. but in that time spoiler. I also didn't think it looked The best part is the injuries of the ad they look so it's amazing. Oh my god So best part is someone falls down and then just random chance of their flying body What's them back on their feet. Oh, I'm so good. I'm like, again, they nearly falling. And he look at some prize to be standing.

As they do. I'm falling. These videos are amazing. I'm so fucking fantastic. I want to go to this thing so bad. Oh, gravity does such an amazing thing to the human body. We were falling down a hill too. Like it's all these guys and bloats who are like, oh, cherry thing to the human body we were falling down a hill too Like it's all these guys and blow to a like oh cherry down to the pub

But the third time you've been thrown against the side of a hill you just return to the child your parents Like acid triple with hurting my side. I can't stop it. It's the greatest. And then they're standing at the bottom and like, they got their fucking arm and a sling and fresh stitches in their head and they're holding the fucking wheel and cheese into their arm like they won something. It's fucking amazing.

I'm like, at the end of it, you get cheese. You get cheese. You get cheese. You get fresh stitches on your face that you get to present to everyone for the rest of your life, but you got that fucking cheese. Congratulations, stupid. And most of them didn't even get cheese. No, no, they all got vegetables because that's what they are when they read the pie. And, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. because they're fully aware of how dumb their stupid thing is. Pretty much the entire local EMT service is standing ready right there at the bottom. And to help out all the official medical personnel, the local rugby team volunteers as catchers, literally catch people who can't stop themselves and the cheese on. It's so funny to watch. The right to be fair is also carry off anyone who gets so badly injured they can't even finish. And they're like, you know, random rolling isn't lucky enough to carry them across line.

And that's not to mention the cheese related injuries that must happen. In 2013, they had to switch out the cheese for a foam replica for safety reasons, which means at least one person that fucking walled by a nine pound real cheese. Carrying down this hill at 70 miles. She's shaped shape hole and know they're close to amazing. And that fucker was lactose intolerant so it's fucking insult to the ass hole. Yeah. Next up at number seven, we have a sport that originated in Columbia called Tejo.

It's pretty similar to, you know, like target throwing games, a carn hole or bags, whatever you call it, or horseshoes. But you know how those games don't have any gunpowder explosions. Tejo fixed that problem. And it's about goddamn time. I got you Columbia. So the game area is an alley about 20 meters long and you throw a metal puck at a goal on the opposite end.

The goal is a box filled with clay that's tipped up at a 45-degree angle and has a round pipe just barely sticking out of the clay that represents the bullseye. And you get points based on how many bullseyes and how many almost bullseyes you get. A plus explosions. Around the bullseye, they put triangular envelopes full of gutter. It exploded if you hit them. Right, there's a bullet, they include shrapnel. It's like, it's like,

the fiddiest gauge, like number one in the sport. These guys just sit around and they're like, horseshoes, hand grenades? Why not both guys? All right, moving on to number six, the redneck summer game. What? This annual event was held in East Dalton, Georgia every summer from 1996 through 2012. It got started by a local radio station manager named Mac Davis after he heard a news report saying that the upcoming Summer Olympics in Atlanta in 96 would be organized by a bunch

of Rednecks. And he got mad. He took offense to that and clapped back by leaning all the way into the stereotype, okay. Creating something called the Redneck Summer Games. The Redneck Games and the events were exactly what they sound like. It's any NASCAR of it. It's right on the nose. The events included the armpit serenade, bobbing for pig's feet, seed spitting, toilet

seat throwing, the mud pit belly flop, the big hair contest, just bigger wins, I guess. Also bug zapping by spit ball and the cigarette flip. Huh. Okay, well, I appreciate the effort, but until the events include the rascal races through Walmart, you know, let's not say they leaned all the way into the stereotypes. I've like, nobody's ever accused southerners of throwing their toilet seats on this. We'll now. Okay. Well, no, you're naming some of the prelims that get you there. They were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody's ever accused southerners of having toilet seats. Yeah, that's because of the Marche Charmin, right? Is the Charmin's March? Is that what it was called?

Charmin's March? I forget it anyway, forget it. So I don't know it on this. The Redneck Summer Games got canceled in 2013 following an investigation by the Georgia Environmental Protection Division that showed bacterial contamination of the venue from a nearby polluted river. But the organizers claim it was canceled for not that.

Yeah, different. We wanted to not get it. They died as they lived. Proud of something you shouldn't be. All right. All right. Next up at number five, we have a combination sporting event slash holiday called El Colacho. According to Wikipedia, that's Spanish for baby jumping. Somebody thinks

they have a word for that. Or they have a word for that. That would be far less crazy than the event itself, though. It's an annual celebration of the Catholic Feast of Corpus Christi, and it takes place in the village of Castillo de Mercia. It's a week-long festival. It ends with thousands of people watching men dressed as the devil run through the streets of the village, hurtling actual newborn babies who are placed on mattresses along this extremely upsetting obstacle course that they make. But this is still safer for the kids than being an altar boy, though. versus along this extremely upsetting obstacle course that they make. But this is still safer for the kids

than being an altar boy though. Still like much, much safer. If you're thinking, okay, it's just a guy dressed like Satan, hopefully not trampling any babies while he purges them of original sin via the cleansing power of the verb hurdle. First of all, you have weird thoughts. Also, you'd be underestimating the crazy. When I said dressed like the devil, what I actually meant was

dressed like a luchador sex gimp. Like, seriously, the eponymous El Colacho, the baby jumper guy, wears a yellow mask, a yellow jacket, very tight black pants, probably made of leather and carries a whip in one hand and giant, like comedically oversized castenets in the other hand. Well, okay, the real problem here is the more kids you jump on, the more people who are okay with this sport. So it's a vicious cycle, You know what I'm saying?

One of their details. I read that one former El Colacho guy explained that he practiced ahead of time and he was like, don't worry, I used real babies to make sure nothing went wrong. I practiced a lot with real babies. So, you know, realistic just scenario. How the fuck is that practice? Like, what did he practice? The practice with like puppies and kittens. What point in your training are you like? Yeah, I don't want to fuck this up. Lady, can I borrow your baby? Just like practice for the SIDS festival. All right, well, it looks like we're finally inching towards something that is genuinely crazier than American football. So while things are looking up, we're going to take a break for some apropos of nothing. Alright everyone, thanks for coming, really excited. Introduce you guys to the newest sport.

It's called Death Ball. The whole of the game is to put this big cartoon bomb, which is real, up your ass, the fastest. And then, then you run through the fire maze into this gasoline tank and either end of the field and Dave. Yeah, Larry, question. Yeah. Does this have anything to do with your wife leaving you recently?

What? No. What? No. What? It's just that like three days after she left, you started evil mail in everybody about all these new sport ideas that you had and a lot. And we got to think in, well, maybe, you know,

you might not be thinking super clearly right now. You know, like, yeah. You guys, you guys are crazy. Okay, you don't like death ball, that's fine. I got a whole list. Okay, how about, how about this? This one's for everybody. It's called tumble, wumble, right?

So you guys know the cliff over on sickle, I'm gonna stop you right now. Does this sport, this is involved us jumping off of a cliff. It sounds like it's gonna be a cliff jump. I mean, yes, but the, day's gonna save us some time here. You can invent a sport to kill yourself and get back at your ex-wife. We're not doing that.

What, where is this coming from? You guys. Okay, so can I see the list? Can I look at the rest of it? Yeah, sure. There's lots of good sports ideas on there. I was trying to create some fun for dude, dude. The last sport on this list is called Shoot Myself in the Face and show that bitch once

and for all. Okay, that one you guys have a point on. But see, yeah, this is a point about all of them. See, we have a point for the rest of the week. I should be getting a dust ball. But death ball was for real guys. And we're back when we last left off. We hadn't heard that skit before and felt a little bit or about our jobs.

But now it's now So we might as well get back to this list. All right next up at number four We're gonna move over to South Asia where they play a sport called Kabadi. It's basically extreme Battle tag. It's pretty great. The official competitive version of the game is played on a rectangular court of 20 meters long by 13 meters wide with a midline that separates the playing area into two halves. Each team has seven players on the court and they take turns sending one of their players into the other team's half as a raider. The raider tries to tag as many opponents as they can and then return to their

half without getting tackled. They get one point for each tag if they make it back to their half, but if they get tackled, the Raiders team gets no points and the defending team gets one point. So it's basically one guy trying to just barely touch someone in a gang and then run away real fast. And the gang of seven people are either avoiding getting touched or immediately doing the exact opposite. It escalates so fast. It's a game of like not violent, not violent, not violent. BAR! It's so fast.

And according to one theory of the game's origin, it's based on a character named Arjuna from the Indian epic, Mahabharata. And Arjuna was known for being able to sneak into enemy territory undetected, take out a bunch of bad guys, and then sneak back home unscathed.

Or if you watch the video that Heath sent us, the name translates to got you fuck. I'm sorry. In what universe is this crazier than the cheese roll thing? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Most points for like actual, like I would want to play this game a lot. Maybe not.

Yeah. Maybe not. I'm actually cheese roll. I kind of want to play this game a lot maybe not as much as she's rolled. I kind of want to go to it. I will watch half-mantz. Good body has a few other wrinkles inside each half is one other line that divides each half into the shallow zone and the deep zone. The raider gets a bonus point if they ever get into the deep zone and make it home without getting tackled. So there's lots of faking a tag of the other team, then just barely touching the deep zone and then running away.

And the other big factor is players getting taken off the court during the game. If you get tagged during a successful raid, you're out of the game until your team can revive you by getting a tag point or a tackle point on a future round. So the sides get smaller at times. And if a defending team has under four players, the tackle is worth double at that point. And one last rule, this is my favorite part. During a raid, the raider, it technically isn't allowed to breathe in. What?

Inhaling air is against the rules traditionally. And to enforce that, the Raider has to loudly chant the name of the game during the entire raid, so the Ref can hear it. So every round is technically a guy being like, come on, he come on, he got your shirt, got your shirt, yes, I did, yes, I did. Yes, I did. Fuck you, yes, I did. Come on, he come on, he come on, he come on. Fuck you, yes, I did come on, come on, you fucking! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, N-R-N-N-R-R-N-N-N-R-D-D-N-R-R-R-N-R-R. Innocent. Dude, it's S-Q-U-L-R-N, like squirtin' in a narrow. Obviously, just kidding.

I didn't squirtin' in a narrow. I'd turn in a narrow. Squirtin' in a narrow. This is why I'm gonna be on the front with those flaming guitar and you're gonna be a blood bag. Blood bag. All right. Here we are. It was not a universal donor.

This is our top three, starting with our bronze medalist, the sport of Uzkashi. This one originated in Central Asia, and it's a combination of Polo and Animal Carcass, two teams of horse-mounted players try to grab a dead calf or dead goat off the ground from the middle of a playing field and then run it over to a goal on their horse, which is a really big bowl that's, you know, obviously it's appropriate to catch the body of a dead calf, that's the goal. How awesome would it be if the origin of this sport was like the guys that caught up with the guy that inspired that last sport? Yeah.

Wait, he is the bull just filled with like salad greens or something like. What? A little bit of feta. Yeah. Who could have feta rolls down a hill and fall? Yeah. All right. So all episode ties together. All right.

So it might sound a little crazy, but I haven't fully explained it. First of all, it's not like they play without weapons. I have weapons. Yeah. You can play or carry a whip. That's good. That they use to fight off their opponents and clear their way to the goal. Also, it's not just a normal dead calf that would be ridiculous.

Before the game starts, they head the calf. They disemballot and cut off two of its legs to be reasonable. And they soak it in cold water for 24 hours ahead of time to make sure the carcass doesn't fall apart as much. Next up at number two, we have our silver medalist, the Pallio di Siena. It's a horse racing event that takes place twice a year in Siena, Italy, once on July 2nd, and again on August 16th. And it's been going since at least 1644.

On the surface, it's pretty straightforward and doesn't sound especially crazy. Ten horses and enjockeys race, three laps around the piazza in the center of the city. The whole thing lasts about 75 seconds. But behind the scenes, the race is actually the manifestation of a violent blood feud between the 17 neighborhoods of CNS now. I'm not saying that all Italian stereotypes are true,

but I am saying that this isn't helping at all. This is not just selling any of them. Here's how they do it. They have a lottery system for each event to determine which 10 neighborhoods or contrade get a horse in the race. And then there's a highly complex series of meetings to pick 10 horses of exactly equal rating. They have to be even.

And those horses get randomly assigned to the 10 Contrata right before the race. And the entire process is constantly being rigged on multiple levels. And that's because these neighborhoods, again, they fucking hate each other apparently. I don't understand how this works, but I guess like if you live on, say, 29th Street

and you find out someone lives on 31st, you're immediately mortal enemies because you're both definitely involved in an elaborate double and triple crossing murder plot to kill the other guys horse and jockey during the next race. Secret plotting even affects the starting mechanic of the race. Here's how it works. They bring nine of the horses into the starting area between two ropes and the tenth horse, chosen by lottery, waits behind that zone. And then there's a really long process of nine horses and jockeys battling for position. While the tenth jockey waits until the neighborhoods he made deals with are in a good spot. And this can last for obnoxious amounts of time.

And then, jocky number 10, finally runs into the starting area, and that's when the gun goes off, and the race starts. Yeah, this is, I watch this, this is a question in NASCAR, complete with six horse pile-ups on turn three. I mean, it's just, yep. In addition to the blood-futing, the race itself is super problematic on its own. First of all, everyone goes bear back with no saddle, and they literally have no rules about contestants fighting each other.

So the jockeys constantly get thrown off their horse and fucking mangled. But that never stops the race because the horse is all that matters in the official rules. And the horse can continue the race without the jockey. In fact, the winner of the race in August of 2019 was a horse with no rider at the finish line. Okay, let Why send a jockey in it all it just slows down the horse. John Paris. Yeah. And on top of all the jockey's getting hurt, it's even worse for the horses.

Yeah, because those injuries are sad when that happens. Yes. Fatality numbers are disputed, but here's one estimate. And also the ultimate example of a sentence on Wikipedia. Exact quote. According to the anti-vivid section league, a total of 48 horses have died from 1970 to 2007. An average of one dead horse per year. End quote.

So animal rights organizations have been trying to shut this thing down for a while. Yeah, it's amazing that you could dividing. It's fine. Yeah, but these animal rights organizations, they've been trying to shut it down for a long time. And CN has been like, no, a horse with coronavirus sneaks up and sneezes on an Italian guy. They're not worried. All the chefs are making that are making pony scallop any are in it a layer just whistling and walking away right now.

I'm paying attention. Why did you not go with scallop pony? It's almost the entire city. It goes crazy for this event. The city square on the inside of the track, the Piazza del Campo, fills up with about 40,000 people so they can watch the race not at all because most of them are smashed inside a giant

crowd of 40,000 people. And keep in mind, the horse race, that part barely matters. Again, this is a tightly packed gang war. It happens to have a horse race next to it that like determines a little bit of the yelling and screaming. Each neighborhood is wearing their gang uniforms and colors, which looks adorable and silly because it's Italian people dressed like Cirque Soleil.

The moment the race is over, it turns into a drunken orgy of violence and it starts kind of like that before the race. Apparently, it's common for so-called mixed marriage couples who come from different neighborhoods to separate for the week of the race because of the rivalry. I mean, it seems extreme, but I know a lot of marriages that could use a week apart that ends in a gang war once a year. So, it might help. All right. That was Yelpalio Diciana. And that brings us to our champion, the number one craziest sporting

event in the world. Also from Italy, good work. I wanted to be like somebody rolling cheese down the other side of that hill. Somebody, it's rolling cheese up that hill. Yeah. The same time. So here we are, the number one craziest sporting event in the world, Ilcalcio Fiorentino, which is Italian for Florentine football. The big event is the annual tournament each June in the Piazza Santa Croce in the center of Florence. And once again, we have a sport based on the idea

that neighborhoods of Italian cities need to congregate in the center of the city at least once a year and try to murder each other. They're divided into quarters, and each quarter brings a team of gladiators to beat each other senseless for bragging rights. Plus, there's a ball in there somewhere once a while. It's murder ball. It's literally

rugby plus street fighting. Yeah, we have that in Chicago. We just call it the West side. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, but without the rugby. So they set up a pitch by covering the city square with sand and building a temporary arena around the sides with a playing surface that's about the size of a football field. Or exactly the size of a football field, depending on where you're from, really. Two teams of 27 players each line up on opposite halves. There's a goal at each end that runs the entire width of the field and they have to get the ball in the goal literally however they can.

That includes causing death. The sport has a significant death hole throughout its history. Players are allowed to punch kick elbow knee headbutt and choke their opponents. Choking. Choking is it's in the rules. Yes, you can choke. And to match that serious mood, the referees all dressed like medieval court gestures and carry enormous feathered dusters. The contrast is so aggressive, it's the silliest looking thing,

but they're being almost murdered all the time. Yeah, but in a sport where the gameplay involves choking the life out of someone, you want it super clear from pretty much any distance that you are not playing. Look at the doster. Look at the doster. Yeah. The point.

Keith also forgot to mention from the video that the goal looks very much like a giant vagina. So you basically have teams of amped up testosterone-filled young Italian men fighting to cram their ball into a huge vagina. Here in the States, we just call that spring break on the Jersey show. Also, I'm sorry, I'm feeling I'm getting off subject now, but what are the gestures doing, right? Like if you can show someone to depth in this sport, what are they referee? Yeah, no, like traveling double dribble type stuff

is a lot of re-techities. But you're allowed to choke. Tom, can we circle back? What do you think? You can describe it vagina just so I know. You think you can go. Oh, it's a goal that it runs 50 yards wide. It has netting. What are you talking about? I watched that video. There's like this weird like tent-straw vagina. Is that not the goal? No. OK.

I'm going to circle back for another question a second. No, that's not the goal. Tent is where the coach of each team gets to just hang out in the shade because it's really fucking hot. I thought that was the deal. I want to be that guy. No, that's the coach who's actually not in the game. And he wears something like between halfway in between what the players wear and what the crazy medieval gesture referees wear. So it's clear that you can't really choke him out. Either he's just coach, but he, he wears his team's colors. I know I'm asking basically the same question about a different guy now, but what the fuck does the coach do?

It was the strategy of me to choke him to death. No, all the way to death. Why? The coach walks around and is like, hey, come on, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you, you beat up that guy, you beat up that guy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you beat up that guy, you beat up that guy, no, no, no, no, switch, switch, switch. And he's doing like choreography and stuff. So again, the vast majority of the game is a giant MMA fight with occasional little bursts of like freestyle rugby, but the ball seriously doesn't come into play for such a long time.

The game starts with a referee. They're on the ball up in the air along the midline, and both teams trying to bat the ball backwards towards their team to gain the first possession. And that's when the ball entirely stops being involved for a long stretch and nothing, except baronuckle boxing and choke wrestling. That's what happens for a while at the beginning.

I just watched the video from last year's event and after one team wins the jump ball at the beginning, a few guys just hang out with the ball like all the way behind the front lines and just watch the field get slowly cleared out as people get beat up and carried off on stretchers. They literally didn't try to advance the ball for 31 straight minutes. And wow, the whole game is only 50 minutes. And during this giant delaying time, the backline guys, they're doing this like a silly routine of playing catch and running little like three man weave patterns for absolutely no reason. They're just waiting for enough grievous harm

to make the game playable, but they like, well, the little game will catch the back while that happens. Feels like that could get awkward. Die, you bastard! Guys, a little help, a little help. Being murdered? Oh, wish we could, buddy. Yeah, no, we would, but like, we're doing the stretch stuff. Yeah, the stretch stuff. Hey, you guys stuff? Yeah. Yeah, no we would but like we're doing the stretch. Yeah the stretch

stuff. Yeah, yeah, we'll the ball. Take that So my favorite part I think is the social dynamics of the fighting. It's super fun to watch There's no set of rules about like who gets matched up in a fight So they'll just kind of roam around. And they all want to seem tough. But you can clearly see certain guys realize they've lined up against somebody way too big and strong and have to do this fake, dancing thing.

Like they were just still warming up and they back off and do a little fake yoga for a minute and trying to find somebody else. But the big guy at that point usually follows that guy around for a while to make it really obvious what's happening in the crowd. The crowd actually starts laughing at that guy at some point. It's the best.

Yeah, it's all fun in games to that big guy until that little dude like skips back and downs the can of Spanish and is like, skips guys, biscuitly, dine, it's like skips guys biscuitly, I do. And the other great part of the fighting is when it turns into a take down, I guess if you get tackled and both people, they're kind of tired a lot of the time. So there's this unspoken truce rule at that point. So you get one guy straddling the

other and they both just like take a little time out drink a little water, have a weird Straddle conversation. I'm not sure But since each team effectively loses one person. It's no big deal But these pairs don't get taken off the field they have to stay there by the rules I guess so most of them eventually get super lazy and you see people just like spooning for a little next to the murder. It's delightful.

I'm sorry, a game where cowardice is king and being a super good snuggler puts you in advantage. I found my spoole. Eventually the team with the ball tries to play the sport with the ball eventually. So you get one point for a goal, but the other team gets a half a point. If you shoot the ball over the top of the thing that Tom thinks looks like a vagina, the goal. And whichever team has more points at the end of 50 minutes is the winner. And here's my favorite part. In the early days of the

game, the organizers noticed that the best strategy was to wait with the ball for long stretches, and this was making it less fun for spectators and also less conducive to gambling. So they started releasing balls onto the field to incite more action. What? Yeah, apparently they stopped doing the balls thing more recently, making the game into the, no, sensible event that it is today. There hasn't been a giant brawl that had to be broken up by riot police since 2007. So that's good. Oh, there you go. All right, getting better, moving along. And if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would that sentence be?

Pallio, D sienna and Calcio Fiorentina are going to have some, gonna have some different rules this year is my guess. Oh yeah, right. All right, so are you ready for the quiz? Ready for the quiz. All right, Heath. Sure, today's sports sound dangerous, but entertainment has some risks as well. Which of the following is the most dangerous role for an actor? Hey, sharing a dressing room with Louis CK.

Wow. B, sharing a water glass with Tom Hanks. Or C, sharing a daughter with Charlize Theron's mom. Oh my God. It's me. Oh my God. It's me. It's D, none of the above. I prefer C.

Incorrect. It is C. Correct. It is Charlize Theron. None of the above. Because it kind of has to work. D, none of the above. There it is. The wrong. None of the above. Because it kind of has to work. The end of the above. There it is. All right, heath them.

I used to think sports were boring. I was. Hey, wrong. They can also be mind-numbingly stupid as well. Or be not wrong. Come on, the cheese rolling thing. The cheese rolling thing is my favorite thing in the whole world. I was like, you cannot be be. I would watch.

It doesn't stop it from being, yeah, mind-lama, they stay with me. I would watch Lord of the Rings length games of cheese roll. Like, I was just a strong. Extended edition. I'm pretty sure it's a whole day. They have like all different flights of people doing this. It's a problem. We should go to this.

We are 100% going to this. This is a life call. The answer is C, we're all going to the cheese roll. Cheese roll it is. Okay. That was correct. All right, Keith, last question. The year is 2024.

Eli's dream of an extreme snuggling league is a reality. And Eli is the pay lay of ESL for the New Jersey groopers. What's his favorite play? A, mandaman coverage, B, grindside off tickle, C,

12 men in the cuddle or D, hindquarter back snake. Grindside off, heckle, it's 12 million cuddles. What's his, Eli? It's... Grine's idle fecal, it's... Yes! It's 12 million cuddles! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Which is it Eli? Oh, it's C. It's absolutely C. Ah! Ah! More than Marriere. Alright, so, I believe that just based on the answer, Cesar was already the winner. Cesar, you win.

Oh, awesome. Well, no, I think maybe next week. Sure, why not? Alright, well, for Tom, Cesar, Eli,, no, I think maybe next week sure why not all right Well for Tom Cecil Eli and Heath I'm Noah thinking you're for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week And by then I'll be an expert on something else between now and then stay the fuck home And if you'd like to help keep this show going you can make a prep episode donation patreon.com's last citation But or leave a five star review everywhere you can and if you'd like to get in touch with us check out past episodes

Connect with us on social media or check She's home. Let's be sure to check out citation pod dot com And that's match point Incredible all right guys up for another round. No, not this I'm bleeding very badly actually get to the hospital Yeah me too. You guys are no fun. Come on. Cecil, Cecil.

Yeah, I'm down. I call blood fist. Damn it. Blood fist.