Citation Needed - Cuban Missile Crisis

Episode Date: April 2, 2025

The Cuban Missile Crisis, also known as the October Crisis (Spanish: Crisis de Octubre) in Cuba, or the Caribbean Crisis (Russian: Карибский кризис, romanized: Karibskiy krizis), was a 13-day confrontation between the governments of the United States and the Soviet Union, when American deployments of nuclear missiles in Italy and Turkey were matched by Soviet deployments of nuclear missiles in Cuba. The crisis lasted from 16 to 28 October 1962. The confrontation is widely considered the closest the Cold War came to escalating into full-scale nuclear war.[1]

Beautiful Anonymous changes each week. It defies genres and expectations. For example, our most recent episode, I talked to a woman who survived a murder attempt by her own son. But just the week before that, we just talked the whole time about Star Trek. We've had other recent episodes about sexting in languages that are not your first language or what it's like to get weight loss surgery. It's unpredictable. It's real, it's honest, it's raw. Get Beautiful Anonymous wherever you listen to podcasts. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, a podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now.

I'm Heath, and I'll be hosting this roundtable about an epic naval blockade. And I'm joined by some first-class X-Men with mutant podcasting powers, aka the Cerebros. We have the swordsman LARPing Saber Tooth The Juggler Juggler Knot The Poetic Force from that sketch that one time Psy Clip Clops Tom And the Mentalist Magic Nito Cecil Noah Tom and Eli Well at least I got the dopest hair out of all of them I will take it

Yeah I'm jealous I got the dopest hat that's a pretty good consolation You did Clip Clop I'm gonna take the dopest hair out of all of them. I will take it. Yeah, I'm jealous. I got the dopest hat. That's a pretty good consolation, Bryce. You did. Clip clop. Yes. I want you to know that even I would've introduced myself as Jubilee, so I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you.

Eli, genuinely, I wrote down Jubilee and I had it there for a while. There's no doubt in my heart. I was like, version Gila has to pick it. I have to do something different. All right, let's get into it. Tom, what person, thing concept phenomenon or event? Are we gonna be talking about today the Cuban Missile Crisis? All right, and what is a

Dark slam home about the end of days to star The hands that pull the levers of state must at all times since 1945. Hold steady and come. I'll start over. Keep the slam going. I'm snapping. Bands that pull the levers of state must at all times since 1945 hold steady and calm when confronted with dire threats.

For only the last 80 years or about the last 0.02% of human history have a tiny handful of men held the fate not only of nations, but of all life on earth in their hands. It is an awesome and terrible responsibility that only the most serious and steadfast among us should ever shoulder. Which is why the story of the Cuban Missile Crisis seems in this moment of ever heightening tension and ever more buffoonish and feckless world leadership to be not just interesting but urgent. This is a story that unfolded in its crisis stage across 13 days, but also one years in its making.

Tardigrade takes off his headphones and discusses, our life on earth, I'm driving off a deluge. I'm just saying the hands pulling the levers of state right now are not big enough to hold all that fate shit you were just talking about. Eggs were expensive though. So 1916 faces. In 1961, Fidel Castro requested a bunch of anti-aircraft missiles from its benefactor and ideological ally, the Soviet Union. But the Soviets never got around to shipping the missiles.

And Cuba, feeling the burn of a lover's scorn, began to publicly give the Soviet Union a bunch of shit, and essentially called the USSR a bunch of revolutionary posers and started flirting around with the Chinese. The Soviets got jealous, and they began to worry that any appearance of a public rift between the two communist nations would set the stage for an American invasion. And so the Soviets gave in and sent these weapons on to Cuba. Yeah, China was the cool aunt that let Cuba smoke in the house, you know. And everyone was probably pretty right to be worried about an American invasion.

The US government was not particularly shy about backing their own ideological ponies across the world and particularly through Central and South America. Yeah, no, we had a whole doctrine for it and everything. And a corollary. And so in 1961, under Kennedy, the US launched the Bay of Pigs invasion, a disastrous attempt to use CIA-trained Cuban expats to overthrow Castro's government. Came back to bite him in the ass when Bush Sr. killed him. Jesus Christ.

Back into the left to bite him in the ass. Now we cover this mess way back in April of 2020 and afterwards, Eisenhower warned Kennedy that this debacle would embolden the Soviets to pull their own shit in Cuba. And the US didn't give up fucking around in Cuba. The US essentially undertook a series of straight up state sponsored terrorism against Cuba, using the CIA and the US military to attack both military and civilian targets. The goal was to overthrow the Cuban government, and the effort was sustained, intense, violent, and ongoing. In 1962, the economic warfare began, with the US launching an embargo against Cuba and

mandating a series of guerrilla operations aimed at fomenting, quote, the open revolt and overthrow of the communist regime. Yeah. Well, we tried to blow up Castro while he was scuba diving with an Acme seashell bomb, but I think the plunger didn't work or something. So all we had left at that point was, you know, violent regime change. Yeah. And don't worry guys.

I'm sure that embargo is going to work any minute now. We are wearing them down. So all of this was quite worrisome for the USSR relations with the USSR and the US were to say the very least strained. Kennedy ran for office in part on a campaign of closing the nuclear missile gap with the Soviet Union. The only problem with that platform is there was no nuclear missile gap with the Soviet Union. The USSR in 1961 had between 4 and 75 R7 intercontinental ballistic missiles, while the US had 170 active ICBMs and many more in production in addition to a shitload of world annihilating destroyers silently

drifting beneath the world's oceans housed in our submarines. But of course, no one is honest about how many missiles they have, so everyone thinks everyone else's dick is way bigger than it actually was. And Khrushchev was telling the world that the Soviets were building missiles like sausages, and everybody was pretty much racing to build as many bombs as possible. It was the worst thing for mankind. Well, I mean, they were building them like sausages in their ability to strike international targets at least.

And Khrushchev also thought Kennedy was weak and indecisive, and the Bay of Pigs mess reinforced that perception. Aides to Khrushchev reported that Kennedy was, quote, too young, too intellectual, not prepared well for decision-making in crisis situations, too intelligent, and too weak, end quote. Khrushchev was certain that Kennedy was all bluff and bluster, and that at the end of the day, he was an if-fet nobody who would back down if Bush came to shove and he intended to shove Okay, I feel like it's the accent of Kennedy. That's me

Yeah, who can forget those debutantes trying to fight their daughter in the parking lot of a Dunkin Donuts Well, it's nice to know that we took care of that problem where foreign leaders thought our president was too intellectual or intelligent. No, no. Akrushchev was worried about the US deployment of missiles across Europe, including missiles staged in Turkey, a location that everyone understood gave the US a major first strike advantage. And in a nuclear war, anything that extends beyond the first strike is just a massive loss for literally everyone in the world.

So Khrushchev decided to counter that threat with one of his own by placing nuclear capable missiles in Cuba, which is only 90 miles or so from the US mainland. If you count Florida as mainland. In 1962, Soviet ICBMs weren't very accurate or reliable, nor as we've discussed nearly as numerous as they would have everyone believe, but they did have a bunch of much better and much more accurate and reliable medium-range ballistic missiles, which paired much better with the skip a stone distance between Cuba and the U S. So as a staging ground for a first strike, there's

pretty much no place better. I mean, I assume you're not counting grandma's Facebook because then sure. Yeah. Now it should also be noted here that Khrushchev knew that the U S was going to find out about these missiles and that the U S was not going to be excited about the prospect of radioactive thermonuclear Armageddon delivery vehicles stationed literally a handful of miles away from US soil. But what he also understood was that getting these missiles into Cuba gave him not only

military power, but also tremendous political leverage. The presence of the missiles, he believed, would also allow Khrushchev to strong-arm Kennedy into giving up its protection of West Berlin, a prize much sweeter than Cuba. So even if Khrushchev had to trade missiles in Cuba to gain West Berlin, it would still have been a huge win for the Soviets. So in 1962, Khrushchev pressured Castro to accept the placement of nuclear missiles in Cuba and the operation began in utmost secrecy. Almost no one knew the precise nature of the operation, including many of the

troops detailed to the mission itself. In fact, troops being deployed to Cuba were lied to about their destination and told to bring cold weather gear for their deployment and they were outfitted with parkas and ski boots and winter gear before leaving. Okay, but bring seven bathing suits for their, there's hot tubs. I love the idea of all these guys getting out all sure that they've been sent to the wrong place by accident, but nobody wanted to remind the teacher to give them homework. Okay, but nuclear missiles are very hard to keep secret, especially if your government and military is a bloated and bureaucratic disaster. And by July, a total of 43,000 foreign troops

were now in Cuba to support the mission, a number which seems vastly out of proportion to what could possibly be needed and which just has to be suspicious as all hell. And despite having sent a team of agricultural engineers to scope out good hiding places for the missiles, the Soviets decided they could just like stick the missiles under some palm trees and whistle and walk away. Okay. What, what if we got really big drink umbrellas and we put those? So also, the missiles themselves were made in Russia, which is cold and dry, but the

missile pieces were now being assembled in Cuba, which is neither of those. And so pretty much right away, all the stuff that the troops brought with to get started got corroded. Fuses failed, engines burned oil, everything just sucked, which made the 43,000 troops trying to hide a medium range nuclear ballistic missile almost comically easy to spot. Just whistling, loo loo loo, doing Cuba stuff. 70 foot long metal cigars are my favorite stuff

So by August the US had figured out the Soviets were building missile stuff in the backyard and not only because of the missiles But also because the Soviets started building a bunch of missile support stuff like surface-to-air missile systems Which are pretty much a big neon sign saying look here under these palm fronds and so some youtube spy planes flew around taking spy pictures and they spied themselves some missile launching palm trees but for the last time we know that war bodies aren't a thing, you're going to put them on missiles. We know you are. And then the Cuban president, Osvaldo Tirado, gave a speech at the U.N. where he basically said, hey, we have some big bad ass weapons now, so don't fuck with us.

While at the same time, the Soviets insisted, no, no, no, those are just palm trees and defensive weapons. But definitely no missiles. Oh, but also if anyone tries to stop the Soviets from bringing what were absolutely not missile parts to Cuba, that would be considered an act of war for stopping the not missiles. So there were just definitely missiles there.

Yeah. You can understand why they started using puppets in our government instead. All this back and forth is confusing, right? Keep it in house. On October 16th, Kennedy was notified and they came up with six options to respond. The first was to do nothing and just accept, Hey, there's missiles in Cuba. Now the second was to use diplomatic pressure to force the Soviets to get rid of those missiles. The third was to offer Castro the choice of parting from the Soviets or be invaded.

The fourth was to just invade Cuba. The fifth was targeted airstrikes. And the last option was a US naval blockade to prevent any more missiles from arriving in Cuba. The Joint Chiefs of Staff unanimously agreed the only option was a full-scale invasion of Cuba. Alright, we tried the Bugs Bunny saw thing and smashing them with Florida. Nothing left to do. Invasion. We'll see how it goes after some operapovna. And then apparently they let Big Balls drive a fighter jet?

Okay, well that seems bad. Yeah, you didn't even let me finish. Listen to where they let him drive it. Okay? Alright, enough of this. You guys are just fucking with us now. Holy shit! Aliens! Yeah, yeah, whatever. Did the Trogmoryans get in with you on this, or what the fuck's going on? I swear to God, I will phaser rifle you. I don't know what you're talking about. What is a Trogmoryan?

Look, like like 70 years ago What it looked like you guys were gonna bow yourself up any second We may have gotten a little drunk and Made a substantial set of space credits on every year that you guys did not bow yourself to smithereens Right and needless to say it's been a real nail biter But at this point you guys are costing aark and a flugel for us. You think that's harm in the leg? Yeah.

Yeah, that's what we called him. Yeah. Look, all our other words are English. Yeah. Look, man, we don't know what to tell you. We're just as surprised as you are. Definitely. Fine, fine.

You swear you're not in on this? Nope, not me. Nope. All right. Well, then, as you were. I mean, I bet the Trogmoriants would give great odds right now, right? That's exactly what I was thinking. Do you think we could call them? And we're back. When we left off, Schrödinger's Kennedy was deciding if he should invade Cuba.

What's next? So Kennedy was not at all convinced an invasion of Cuba was a great idea. And while the Joint Chiefs were certain that Khrushchev would sit back and let Cuba be invaded, Kennedy was equally sure that an invasion of Cuba would give the Soviets the pretext they needed to take over West Berlin. And not everyone agreed that missiles in Cuba actually accomplished much in the way of changing the balance of strategic power. You see, an ICBM travels at about 15,000 miles per hour. This was back in 1961 terms.

So even staged in the Soviet Union, the missiles in existence before being staged in Cuba could still strike the US in less than an hour from launch. A few more missiles a few minutes closer might not actually matter that much. Okay, but Sarah Palin can't be everywhere. We have to do something. But yes, of course, sir.

But you see, the Americans will be 43 minutes more scared if we. But we were, though. What did change was the politics of the situation. So Kennedy had just a month before the crisis declared that quote, if Cuba should possess a capacity to carry out offensive actions against the American people, America would act. Power. So the timing of this thing is not great.

I did not do the voice. And Kennedy also knew he couldn't just show the world that the Soviets could put missiles in America's backyard without a response, without risking losing political power and authority across the globe. Did he consider having a beautiful phone call to make the deal? Not loving that nuclear policy was based on the risk of like two for flinching. Yeah, these are good. That's not wrong though. But Kennedy, after considering and rejecting invasion plans,

settled on the naval blockade. Problem was that technically a blockade was an act of war, according to international law. But Kennedy didn't think the Soviets would respond to a blockade of Cuba as an all out act of war. The argument from just the tip of the act of war. And on the 22nd of October, Kennedy met with congressional leaders to propose the blockade, but Congress thought the blockade was not a strong enough response.

Kennedy chose to move forward anyway, and that evening addressed the nation in a televised address announcing the discovery of the missiles and the blockade, which he had renamed a quarantine to avoid legally starting a war. Because it's socialist distancing, isn't it? During that speech, U.S. forces were placed on DEFCON 3. That is a state of increased force readiness, and a bunch of navy ships were dispatched for the blockade and shit was beginning to become very, very real. But they were only able to get a few ships for the blockade so it was about as effective

as playing tag or on a kitchen table in your socks. The world understood immediately what was at stake and responded. The Chinese daily people announced that 650 million Chinese were standing by the Cuban people. In West Germany, fear rippled through the populace that the Soviets would target West Berlin for retaliation. The Pope offered platitudes, while in the Soviet Union, the blockade was construed as piracy that would lead to war. I like that you included that the pope is still useless, Tom.

We should just randomly insert that into all our essays, like a public service announcement every so often. Well, yeah, no, because the pope offered platitudes. That was the entirety of my essay on the papacy. And you guys said it was too short. So I'm glad I just I'm just glad I found a home somewhere on our show. That's the job. Pretty much the whole thing. and you guys said it was too short, so I'm just glad I found a home somewhere on our show. That's the job, pretty much the whole thing.

Now, the 24th of October, Khrushchev began sending rushed telegrams. This is the 1960s equivalent of furious late night tweeting trying to convince Kennedy that the Soviets would have no choice but to ignore the blockade, casting the world into a dangerous game of nuclear chicken. Hey John, yup. Stop. I'm going to blow up the world. Stop. Don't.

At me. Did you read it? On the 25th of October, after a tense confrontation between the U S and Soviet ambassadors, the DEFCON level was raised to DEFCON 2. This is defined as being near nuclear war. DEFCON 1 means the bombs are flying. So DEFCON 2, there is no higher state of non-war nuclear readiness. For the only time in US history, bombers were put on continuous airborne alert.

145 ICBMs were placed on alert. 161 nuclear armed interceptors were placed on 15 minute alert status. 23 nuclear armed bombers were sent to orbit points within striking distance of the Soviet Union. That one guy has to come in and off hours and change the DEF CON clock. He's so pissed about it. He's like, mother fuck. He's on the phone.

No, you gotta hold clock for three seconds and then it punches. You know what, I'll be there in 10 minutes. God damn it. Oh, this does really make me wonder what Kanye thought he was threatening the Jews with. That's a great question. So in very sharp contrast contrast the Soviets did nothing. No increased alerts

or readiness, no increased bomber flights or air defense posture. The US was convinced that the end was nigh but it seems the Soviets were just as sure that all of this was posturing and that the only way to assure that there would be a world left after all this chest thumping was over was to make sure not to match energy for energy. Cool. The fate of humanity was resting on the vibes of Nikita Khrushchev.

Yeah, yeah. But better than being in the fuckin' opiate-addled, lidocaine-inesthetized, Librium-tranquilized, amphetamine-stimulated hands of JFK, who was also on barbiturates and steroids at the time. I just couldn't think of a way to fit them into my little thing that I was doing. Jesus Christ. You have so many drugs. Ready, aim, foyer.

Sorry, foyer? President? On the 26th of October, Kennedy began to worry that only an invasion of Cuba could remove these missiles, but he was convinced to continue to use military and diplomatic pressure. Flights over the island were increased from twice a day to every two hours. Plans were drawn up to institute a new civil order if the U.S. toppled the Cuban government. All options were on the table and all options were moments away from being acted upon at any time. Kennedy was increasingly sure the Soviets would not back down and that an invasion of Cuba would be required and everyone was equally convinced that that

invasion would lead to a nuclear response from the Soviets. The end of the world was very much in sight. I mean, to be fair, right now America sounds like the guy who's convinced he's waiting in the parking lot for a bouncer who left from his shift two hours ago. Yeah, but anytime the world's continued existence is dependent on Americans not freaking the fuck out about nothing, the end of the world is inside. That's true. Now Khrushchev had misread Kennedy. He had believed that installing the missiles in Cuba this would force the weak Kennedy into a rapid position of compromise but instead it had strengthened the resolve of the U.S. position. And increasingly Khrushchev's telegram messages became defensive,

poorly phrased and poorly edited. It was clear that Khrushchev was beginning to panic from the consequences of his actions and the U.S. began to dominate the negotiations. Just Kennedy staring at a telegram that says, despite the constant negative press kvifife. Okay. I think he's getting ratioed. staring at a telegram that says, despite the constant negative press, Kavifife. What? What? Okay, I think he's getting ratioed.

That's a good gap, right? We're winning, right? At this point as well, secret negotiations began to take place between KGB Soviet emissaries and State Department officials. And secretly, the Soviets offered to remove the missiles from Cuba

and for Castro to announce that he would reject further placements of nuclear missiles on Cuba in exchange for a promise from the US that they would not invade and the US responded that it was unlikely to invade if the missiles were removed. Yeah so our response to de-escalating the end of the world was, maybe. Khrushchev blinked and that is what saved the world from annihilation or save the world from JFK blinking. We can never know for sure. The Gambit, which has set the world closer than it may have ever been to being

consumed in hellfire and radiation had failed. In a long and emotional telegram communique, Khrushchev himself iterated that basic offer that the KGB had proffered. He said, I propose we for our part will declare that our ships bound for Cuba are not carrying any armaments, and you will declare that the United States will not invade Cuba with its troops and will not support any other forces which might intend to invade Cuba. Then the necessity of our military specialists in Cuba will disappear. I'll stop if you stop. Stop. Can we put a winky face?

Is that a thing? Nothing. Castro, however, had not been consulted, and he was still very much convinced that the U.S. was full of shit and would invade as soon as the nuclear deterrent was removed. Give a guy one exploding cigar, right? So he began agitating with the Soviets for a preemptive first strike against the US and ordered that anti-aircraft guns fire against all US planes flying over the island. On October the 27th, a new message began to emerge from Khrushchev. Now the Soviets would remove the missiles from Cuba if the US removed its missiles from Italy and Turkey. And Turkey, for its part, did not want the missiles removed. Whereas the Prime Minister of Italy was only too happy

to offer up some of its US missile sites in exchange for an end to this standoff. Tensions further ratcheted up when a rogue Soviet commander fired a surface-to-air missile and took out a US U-2 spy plane. And later that day, other photo recon planes were fired upon. It's so weird the more you guys say maybe the roger our commanders can't.

I just don't know. Let's go on with these guys. So Kennedy had previously stated that if US planes were fired upon the US would respond by retaliating through airstrikes against the missile sites. But Kennedy felt that negotiations were proceeding just well enough that an attack now would damage the talks. So Khrushchev denied that a Soviet soldier had fired upon the US spy plane and said instead

that it was a Cuban soldier under orders from Raul Castro. Okay, we're all lying about everything and we all know we're all lying about everything. So like tie. Robert Kennedy began to negotiate increasing the pressure on the Soviets by telling them that although JFK chose not to escalate after the spy plane was shut down, quote, the president is not sure that the military will not overthrow him and seize power end quote a Reality that seemed much more plausible to the Soviets than it was close to reality

Back then yeah Well, I feel like if Raul Castro shoots down when our planes RFK should get to shoot down one of theirs, right? That's like perfectly fair balances itances it right out. And then definitely have no children. Yeah, no, obviously get a vasectomy. The Kennedy was close to acquiescing to the missile trade, but was convinced instead by his advisors, and I love this, to simply ignore the last offer from Khrushchev as if it had never happened and revert back into negotiating. Come on. Based on the first offer, which was the pinky swear not to invade Cuba.

Did Khrushchev just double dog dare us? We're going to leave it on red. The U.S. was hopeful that this tactic would work, but they did not expect it to. The expectation was that a full-scale invasion and likely a nuclear war was imminent, a day, possibly two days away. These guys were negotiating the terms of the end of all things. Plans and counterplans were being drawn up.

An offer was on the table now, but it was a bold move. The most recent offer was just being completely ignored as if it had never happened. And the only give back to Khrushchev was a promise not to invade Cuba, a promise that once the missiles were removed, could be rescinded at a moment's notice. Oh, like the US would completely ignore the terms of their own nuclear treaty. Thank you. On the 27th of October, all the missiles that were being readied in Cuba were, according to the CIA, completed and ready to fire.

The US offer was in Khrushchev's hands, as was a letter from Castro urging the use of nuclear weapons to retaliate if the U.S. carried out any active aggression on Cuba. Time was ticking and with every passing minute, the tensions continued to rise. Tom, I want you to know that I'm nervous and I know I'm not a radioactive cockroach. So, we've weaver, which is why it was particularly bad timing when the U.S. Navy chose that moment to drop a bunch of signaling or practice depth charges on a Soviet submarine. This was a submarine armed with nuclear torpedoes.

Hey guys, we're going to go all time out on JAPES practice for a couple of days. You did what? Why do we do that at all? Now this sub, this nuclear sub, was too deep to get radio traffic and it had no way to tell if the depth charges were an attack or an accident. And the captain of the sub thought this was an attack and he proposed hey man, let's launch all these nuclear torpedoes But to launch that nuke the captain needed the agreement of the flotilla commander who as we all know because we're alive Declined to end the world right in Gene Hackman's face. He did yeah

Awesome movie reference. I know he died recently did. Yeah, that was awesome. It's a movie reference. I know he died recently. Yeah, too soon. But he did. He was in the film. I promise. Now also happening pretty much around the same time. A U-2 spy plane made an accidental overflight of the Soviet Union's territory, prompting a scramble and confrontation in the air between the spy plane and two fighter jets who were also armed with nuclear air-to-air missiles. Air-to-air missiles? Okay, nuclear air-to-air missiles are just, that's ridiculous overkill, right?

Like, chemical explosives delivered at Mach 4 against the airplane not yet in time. What the fuck are you accomplishing? All right, so the U-2 was escorted out of Soviet airspace, and I imagine jockey shorts the world over were thrown away. On October the 27th, Kennedy agreed to remove U S missiles from the Soviet border, Turkey and Italy in exchange for the Soviets removing missiles from Cuba. And the next day in a public address, Khrushchev announced that a deal had been struck.

The two leaders had come to the very brink of annihilation. Planes were shot down, others confronted in the air, nuclear submarines were accidentally attacked and all during a period of higher tension than ever imagined. What the US didn't know at the time was that there were already 162 nuclear warheads in Cuba and that the Soviets and Cubans had already agreed that any invasion would immediately have been met with a full-scale nuclear response. It was, however, only because of two men that the world did not end in 1962. In both the Soviet and US governments, advisors in both governments insisted on strong, immediate,

and disastrous military action. If either Kennedy or Khrushchev had followed the advice of their respective governments, no one on this podcast would have ever been born. So following that crisis, a hotline was established, allowing for a direct connection between the two nations, but specifically between the two leaders. And that awesome and terrible into each other's DMS. That's nice. Oh, that awesome and terrible power and responsibility to maintain a cool head

in times of intense existential pressure now rests in the hands of Trump and Putin. Damn it. Sleep well, kids. Yeah. Why are you doing fuck Tom? God damn it. and Putin. Damn it. Sleep well, kids. Why are you doing, fuck, Tom. God damn it, all right. All right, if you had to summarize

what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? So close, yet so far. And are you ready for the quiz? I am indeed. Fun fact, Joe Rogan thinks it was aliens that stopped us not Kennedy and Cruz. Jesus fucking Christ, are you serious? Yeah, no, I thought he said it, he said a recent, oh, I don't think it was aliens that stopped us not Kennedy and Krushchev. Jesus fucking Christ. Are you serious? Yeah, no, I thought he said it.

He said a recent podcast. Oh, I think it was a recent podcast. I think it was the Peter Thiel one where he said that it was aliens have been basically whenever there's a big thing that happens with nuclear weapons, they come down and be like, no, no, no. And then we don't. And so he thought that's really stupid. Yeah.

All right. Hey, Tom Hey Tom decided the presidential election Khrushchev had a bunch of sausage related idioms. Which one was his favorite? Oh god a a license to kill Bossa Genoa this thing backwards and See B, Genoa this thing backwards and forwards. Okay. Okay. C, school of hard knock worst ordinance. D, brains over brawn schweiger.

Mom. Well, I am glad he did not exercise his license to kill Bassa and instead used his brains over Brown Shrouders. So I'm going with D. Correct. All right. What is the name of the video game based on this incident? Are you fucking kidding me?

Okay. Is it a Hubert? B. Love that game. The Warsaw Pac-Man. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. A, Hubert. B, the Warsaw Pac-Man. Amazing. Amazing.

C, Missile Command, which was genuinely inspired by the recurring nightmares about these events that haunted programmer Dave Theorore for his entire life. Or D, Castrobot. Amazing. Awesome. Amazing. Very good. C has a suspicious amount of details

All right, Tom, it's nice to know the Cuban Missile Crisis could never happen today because a Both governments are under Russian control B nobody in the Trump administration can count high enough to do the nuclear codes or C. What are the chances of Noah living through two missile crises in one lifetime? Yeah, I don't think we're going to live through the next one. An Atlantic reporter finds out through signal that we're going to do a nuclear... Jesus Christ, man. Fuck.

Why would aliens, what would they have to... Why would they stop it? I don't even understand. Did you not even listen? Pay attention, please. Why would aliens, what would they have to, why would they stop it? I don't even understand. Did you not even listen? To the shenanigans? They feast upon our fear Heath and they need to be able to continue to harvest that. Right, and the podcast-iverse wouldn't make sense unless they did it.

That's right, the podcast-iverse makes too much sense. That's what I've always said. Alright, well I invented the podcast- makes too much sense. That's what I've always said. Alright, well I invented the podcast verse so I win. Sure! Alright, Noah, you are old. So you write an essay for next week. I like the way that you wove it all together into a joke instead of just being an insult. Alright well, for Tom, Noah, Cecil, and Eli, I'm Heath.

Thank you for hanging out with us. We'll be back next week, and Noah will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can listen to Cognitive Dissonance, The No-Rogan Experience, Dear Old Dads, God of Movies, The Skating Atheist, The Skeptocrat, and D&D Minus. And if you'd like to join the ranks of our beloved patrons, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, listen to past episodes, connect us on social of the show.