Citation Needed - Emperor Norton

Episode Date: October 10, 2018

Joshua Abraham Norton (February 4, 1818[3] – January 8, 1880), known as Emperor Norton, was a citizen of San Francisco, California who proclaimed himself "Norton I, Emperor of the United States" in 1859. He later assumed the secondary title of "Protector of Mexico".[4] Norton was born in England but spent most of his early life in South Africa. 

Oh, that sounds awful. Oh, man, it was. It was just a flu. Yeah, I think it was just a flu. Ah, the council of Skate approaches. Heathleton, my scepter. I did not, however, mess this. I didn't mess this.

Yeah, sorry. So while you were... Upon the death of Cecil, cognitive dissonance. On my last name. I would so. Emperor Bosnick did declare himself ruler of these fine podcasts. Announce yourselves. Tom, cognitive dissonance.

Tom, don't just, I like the play on it. What are you doing? Why are you part of this? He said I could be Duke. I'll see one. Rock paper paper scissors stop throwing paper every time that's what they want you to want you to want them Silence Heathrowton the gifts for our guests. Oh, okay. Well, I'll let this gift. I'll play along. Thank you your highness Is usually life again against turnout. Oh

That's a box of shit. His. There we go. There it is. There it is. You're gonna finish it or it's happening. Don't make it weird. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose to subject me to single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works now I'm no one I'll be fiercely waving my stick at a discord Nordstrom And I can't make this music alone. First of all, please welcome the percussion section of our band Tom and Eli A fun little fact percussion just means hitting stuff

You don't do it any discernible rhythm. You can call beating your kids jazz. I And if you can do it without looking your Ray Charles so it's I thought we could get through this without any child beating I was wrong I was Thank you, that's on you and also joining us tonight are two guys who didn't realize they were talking about jazz vocals Well, they asked for scat heath and sea soul. Okay, I thought my shooting song was super jazzy. Was it not like Yazzie or You you are the shitting image of dizzy glass But with the other cheeks. Yeah, I see it. I saw peanuts anyway

Before we get the show going we need to take a second of thank the patrons. So thank page for doing the best. I really should give myself more than a second next time. And of course, if you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us Tom, what person plays, think concept phenomenon or event? What will be talking about today?

Today, we'll be talking about Edward Norton. No, we sure for our Norton. I should do this more carefully. I wrote a lot of the wrong joke. And Eli, you either read or outsource the reading of this article. Are you ready to enlighten us? I'm downright crazy about it now. All right. So who was Emperor Norton? Emperor Norton was a insane person that San Francisco was kind of nice to in the late 1800s. We would be disappointed but unsurprised if that was the end of your essay. It isn't, isn't it?

I mean, it could be. You guys want to hang out. You just like hang out instead. No, no, no, no. Just do the essay. Okay. So there's some disagreement on when he was born. It's either 1818, 1819 or 1814.

And if you want to see what a paragraph looks like when it's constructed by three insanely disagreeable assholes who seem financially invested in their interpretation of this guy's birth year, they have two of those on Wikipedia. You can get in the bottom of them. Anyway, most Most people say 1818 so we'll use that. The important thing is it doesn't matter. It's like Supreme court nomination hearings done. I invest. They got hand in hand. It turns out don't matter. Milliamonds clauses and what. So well we know for sure is that Joshua Abraham Norton was born to john and Sarah Norton British Jews that took him to South Africa in

1820 back before stealing Africa from the African seemed like such a clearly bad idea anyway so up there but when his mother died in 1846 and his dad passed away two years later, he set sail for America. Oh man, stealing Africa from Africans is like a whole thing. I'm thinking I go vice versa. Oh, just for the record, this coming from South Africa thing will not be the last similarity to Elon Musk in the story. No, I know that joke's's gonna make more and more sense

to deeper into the archives this episode goes, right? Yeah, I mean, no, I'm pretty sure that when you wrote that joke, he still had a job. So, it's really nevergreen. So, Norton winds up in San Francisco in 1849 with today's equivalent of a quarter of him million dollar inheritance. Now, one of the angry wiki

authors would like to point out in elaborate detail that there's no contemporary evidence that he had an inheritance from his family. But the alternative is that he set sail for San Francisco and made himself one of the most prosperous real estate speculators in the city within three years with no startup capital, which is pretty hard to believe. So we're going to go with the traditional telling wherein Joshua Norton can't lay eggs full of currency, but it's out there. It's out there.

It's out there. It's out there. But still, I mean, 250 grand in San Francisco, that's like, there's like buying in for one ship at the poker game, like you buy a parking spot and flip it for a big profit. Like, my house made a poison and sell it to a podcaster. I don't know how you would all make that much money on that. Sleep in there soon. They say, you know, he didn't have any money of his own,

but he just borrowed a million dollars from his dad. He's a self-made man guy. No, self-made. Hey man, luck is the same thing as hard work, Seas. We'll just ask anyone from Yale. Yeah. No, not anyone. We have a couple of people here all out to ask.

So in December of 1852, Norton thinks he spies an opportunity to make some serious bank. Is he? Shino was experiencing a severe famine at the time, and they placed a ban on the export of rice. Now this caused the price of rice in San Francisco to skyrocket. So Norton sprung into action and tried to corner the market by buying the entire first shipment of rice to arrive from Peru. Okay, I just quick thing. I'm pretty sure you're supposed to do that before the price skyrockets. That's right. You're listening to the story you're telling? I just feel like it's a teachable moment for you.

I am not. Now, Rice was selling at 36 cents a pound in stores. He got 200,000 pounds of it at 12.5 cents a pound. So he stood to make a fortune. That is until dozens of other shipments of rice arrived because Norton forgot that the earth had more than one boat. I feel like there's like a big difference between the first boat and the only boat.

Like, did nobody explain that? Qualifier to him? K different. Yeah. Okay, This is all definitely supporting the inheritance theory No, I take it up with the chat page So at this point Norton is pissed So he tries to void his contract arguing that the dealer misled him as to the quality of the rice And he almost got away with it, but they threw him in the patty wagon. Oh, my God.

That's for you in the back, guys. You in the back, right, Patty. I'll show myself out. So the case actually wound up in the courts for four years, eventually reaching the Supreme Court of California, but the courts found against Norton between the miscalculation on rice futures and the protracted legal battle. Norton lost his fortune and by 1858 he filed for bankruptcy and moved into the extra room at his friends apartment in Cincinnati. Close a working class boarding house. Yeah, it is pretty. Go back to Africa, you bum. Oh, Jesus. Okay, we had to pull that audio from a different episode. It's not racist because he's white. So over the next couple of years, like so many white guys

who lose the money they got for free, Norton grew increasingly disgruntled by what he called the inadequacies of legal and political structures in the United States. Okay, and I'm guessing he then invented the term in cell. We'll see the first in cell. Close house. So on September 17th of 1859, he decides to fix America by himself,

by declaring himself emperor of the United States in the following letter. I kind of am in love with this man right now. I love this guy. Yeah. Here's the letter. Quote, at the preemptory request and desire of a large majority of the citizens of these United States. Oh, I Joshua Norton, formerly of Algoa Bay, Cape of Good Hope, and now for the last nine years and ten months of SF Cal, Declaren proclaimed myself Emperor of these US and In virtue of the authority thereby in me vested to here by order and direct the representative of the different states of the Union to assemble in musical hall of States of the Union to assemble in musical hall of the city on the first day of Feb next then and there to make such alterations in the existing laws of the Union as may ameliorate the evils under which the country is laboring and thereby

cause confidence to exist both at home and abroad in our stability and integrity signs right Kavanaugh. Northern the first ever United States. PS I am a load star for restoring honor to public life. PPS. Fuck all the stasis women homie sex. PPS. I have no clothes and no, that is not a toad stool. All right, so so is that how it's done there? It just does all it takes to become emperor. You also have to spell your name in all lower case. No, I'll never be emperor.

So Norton distributed his letter to all the local newspapers and because laughing at mentally ill people was still okay back then even if you weren't on a podcast, the editor of the census is go bulletin decided to print the letter, you know, as a goof. So this would mark the beginning of Norton's 21 year reign over the country, though he would eventually add protector of Mexico to his title, protector of Mexico. Oh, let me guess. He was another mentally ill guy that wanted to build a wall, right? Oh, my God.

If only we could get these two together, right? I mean, maybe way with you worth the 50 billion or whatever for like the border between the US and Mexico just to be a fucked up MC Escher zone, a sideways stairs to upside down to a razor ship. Be fucking awesome. Yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and point out here that the deranged fake emperor already cares more about international relations than the current administration who we also didn't really.

Yes. Exactly. Okay, but he was different from Trump in other ways. So once he took the mantle of emperor, he got right to work fixing America. So there's a difference right away among his first facts was a decree that abolished Congress, which I think we can all agree was a good start. When the order was ignored, he summoned the army to depose all of Congress, saying in part, quote, now therefore we do hereby order and direct major general Scott, the

commander in chief of our armies, immediately upon receipt of this, our decree to proceed with a suitable force and clear the halls of Congress. And quote, now you just walk in there with a camera and ask somebody, Hey, we need death panels, right? Feel like we need death panels. Okay, this town and FBI investigation hurt though. Could you, could you say how it hurts? I mean, while your black friends and their guys, you walk it and just nominate Marik Garland of the Supreme Court and you see a fucking tumble weed roll by. Or you could also offer a deal on a super bird after a matlock.

We run all so good way. But we're the room. Or yeah, show up past seven. You can walk in there with a T-shirt gun full of pillows. It's just, boom. Starts mother and end of kukus nest. I get it. Turn the heat up.

Three to three is all the show to sleep. They just argue about it for like all day. They would never get it. That's how you do a filibuster. You fuck with the furthest out. That's how you do a filibuster. Now, by the way, in case you're curious, the reference to major general Scott was to Winfield Scott, who was the commanding general of the US army at the time. He was not, as the decree implies, commander-in-chief of the army, that would have been Franklin Pierce, the president of the United States.

Yeah. I was trying to think of a more obscure president, and then I didn't remember John Tyler. Well, there you go. The guy from Aerosmith? Aerosmith. The way you spelled Aerosmith in your notes is a war crime. Are you serious? The Aeros with the rock. No, I don't know. The armate.

The armate. Arrow right. I know that wouldn't be right. I did my best and that's all that mattered. The army. The army, of course, didn't clear the halls of Congress, which the wiki article presents as though there was some question about how that part of his life was. The next day he's got a full page article that just says, treason. Well, no, okay, but so now the army isn't doing what he tells him.

This guy sounded more like Trump all the time. Why can't he like imagine his confusion? Like, but I wrote them a letter, a whole letter. Right. So by 1816, Norton was done fucking around and he ordered the dissolution of the Republic and forbade the assembly of any members of former Congress. In 1862, he issued a mandate ordering both the Roman Catholic Church and the Protestant Churches to publicly ordain him emperor.

And when that didn't work out, he abolished both political parties. Fucking third party amperors. Jesus Christ. Right. You guys fuck out, Gore. This is an angry person just writing shit down and pretending it's true and pretending that it matters and that anyone care. can I mean this guy invented the internet The first podcaster now of course Norton realized that all politics are local

So he instituted a stiff fine for anybody Anywhere in the world who referred to his beloved home city as Frisco Here's the quote from the proclamation quote Whoever after due and proper warning shall be heard to utter the abominable word Frisco Which has no linguistic or other warrant shall be deemed guilty of a high misdemeanor and she'll pay into the imperial treasury as penalty the sum of $25. And quote, okay, this one I can totally get behind.

Maybe out a few others too, like, you know, anyone who says shy town or hot land, jam, you ever called Detroit the D. You go to jail. Anyone who's ever asked to speak to your manager, jail. Definitely, jail. If your drink order takes more than five seconds, you go straight to jail. You have five seconds.

If you've ever can't even, jail. If you can't even, you go to jail. Okay, just one other. One last one. If you sexually assault a 15 year old girl at a party when it's 17 I say I'm just saying. Yeah, just a few new ideas. Yeah, it's nice to dream buddy Nice to dream. Yeah, we're never gonna get people to order drinks that fast People use port Montose of bro like bro Crastinate jail My goby one canobi jail none of that no

this is way no I'm broby one canobi broby one canobi is what I'm calling Cecil now from jail and I'm going to relish it all right so obviously emperor norton loved San Francisco and And for its part, San Francisco loved him right back. He was such a celebrity in the city that even his dogs were widely known. Were they horribly unethical beasts that suffocated as they live? No, Cecil, because if they were, he would have been known as Norton, the guy with the bestest cutest doggy puppies. Look at their paws. Anyways, local papers are dutifully printed his proclamations.

And when a police, this is so sad, when a police officer arrested him and tried to get him the help he so desperately and obviously needed, it sparked outrage and scathing editorials. Within days, the police chief ordered him released and issued a formal apology on behalf of the police department. Norton for his part granted an imperial pardon to the police. Yes, yes, yes, yes, he's the Kanye of 1800 San Francisco. He is clearly very unwell and like we turned them into a kind of adorable public pet

that we could at and laugh along with even as condition slowly worsens because his suffering is hilarious. Look at those tiny shoes. All right. Well, this just turned into more of a celebration about how great it is to be white than I was hoping for. So we're going to pause for a quick break and a little apprapo of nothing. Kanye's black.

Yeah, that line wasn't in there when I wrote it. That's a new line. Get off me get off get get get off. Got another one boss bring him over here. I think it's psyching by how about him trying to inspect local property for defect. He's harmless but no, no way to second that's that's a Brunnorton. Willie Willie get out here come look at the new guy brought in. Why it's a Brunnorton fish Willie get out here come come look who the new guy brought in it Why it's emperor not fresh fish hammocks. They all need hammocks. We got to make hammocks are ever who who The chief has got to see this chief chief look at the new guys call it. Why that's a emperor not and someone tell me what's going on

I see a local Malink. Oh, welcome sunspot in a little town of Frisco. No, no, no, money. You go, oh, I'm sorry, your highness. I will give you that money next week, okay? I want it on Fundals Day. That sounds good. Yep. Fundals Day.

Guys, what the hell is going on? This man is a danger to himself. Come on, he's obviously not well. He needs help. Where the police? We're supposed to protect people, not laugh at him. Okay. New guy, you want to, you want to take him to the monkey house? Be my guest. Cause you know, it is 1827. Yeah. Yeah. Now, they're probably just going to like a, a shock is balls, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,. Listen to him. Okay, but you and I, we enforced laws.

We didn't write at the point of a gun on people who aren't hurting anybody. There's enough food and bounty on this planet to feed clothing, help people like Dorn. Many times over, but instead we kill each other. We hurt each other. And we leave men like Norton in the street to die. Are we any less mad?

I guess you're free to go, Embror. I'm like, Pupu. you're free to go, Emperor. And make poo poo. You're gonna finish that, huh? [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ And we're back when we last left off. Congress was raining on his parade, and the locals were parading on his reign so he lied picked things up from the last time he beat on that cat on sixteenth street or whatever that was me and the cat started it

of being so that anyway eventually joshua norton belatedly realized that the congress wasn't dissolving upon his command nor was the army arresting them for their insulin. So he said his sights a little lower and focused on the capital of his empire a little more. I mean, he wasn't neglecting the empire mind.

He was still calling for national and even global change, but he was also pretty concerned about the lack of a bridge connecting San Francisco to Oakland. Unfortunately, despite his celebrity, the city leaders also ignored him. Right. So here's an increasingly frustrated imperial degree from him in September of 1872. Quote, whereas we issued our decree ordering the citizens of San Francisco and Oakland to appropriate funds for the survey of a suspension bridge from Oakland Point via Goat Island, also for a tunnel, and to ascertain which is the best project, and whereas the said citizens have hitherto neglected to notice our centric

and whereas we are determined our authority shall be fully respected. Now, therefore, we do hereby command the arrest by the army of both the boards of the city fathers if they persist in neglecting our decrees given under the Royal Hand and Seal at San Francisco, the 17th day of September, 1870. I have to get more wear as is hithertos and thereby's into my proclamation game. I mean, that's insane, but it sounds so good. Sounds great. This is seriously the 1800s grown man version of stomping his feet and screaming, mom, you're not watching me, mom.

But with whereby is there for us, Hither Tues and respecting my authority. It's like half Eli, half Cartoon, it's pretty great. Honestly, it feels like it's about to devolve into the text messages I get from Eli if I don't very quickly respond to his joke. Like, first it's passive aggressive. Like sometimes just a question mark after 10 minutes but then it escalates really fast.

All of a sudden it's like picture of my mom at the window of her house and Eli's hand in the foreground was like a butter knife like what the heck's happening. I yell a racial slur at Disneyland for you and all you can do is say hello. Jasmine punched me. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this on here. Of course.

Now, there's more to being emperor than just issuing decrees. You guys probably already know that. You also have to walk the walk. And according to the article, Norton quote, spent his days inspecting San Francisco streets in an elaborate blue uniform with gold-plated appolettes given to him by officers of the United States Army post

at the Presidio of San Francisco. He also wore a beaver hat decorated with a peacock feather and a rosette. He frequently enhanced his regal posture with a cane or umbrella and quotes. I just love the wiki's choice of words here. Enhanced this regal posture, right? Because they just got done with beaver hat with a peacock feather sticking out of it. So they knew that they'd already painted regal posture pretty vividly. You know, so the umbrella, it was just an enhancement of said regality. Exactly.

Now, he wasn't just going around to show off his awesome peacock beaver hat. He would also examine the condition of sidewalks, the streets, the cable cars, just generally keep an eye on the state of public property and the appearance of police officers. The wiki also says he was prone to giving, quote, lengthy philosophical expositions on a variety of topics to anyone within earshot end quote which is Wikipedia's way of saying scream about random shit like the crazy person so clearly was. Poor guy. Those guys are the best when you're bartending though.

Whenever somebody's being shitty, you're just like, hey, Velcro Jack, come here, Velcro Jack. This guy was saying that risk control doesn't matter at all.. Um, this guy was saying that risk control doesn't matter at all. Is that true? Is that true? The risk control doesn't matter? He also said the Fed is just our central bank and that's it. He said both of those things just now. I love this guy's just wandering around inspecting the appearance of police officers like, okay, and you, my good man, our hitherto missing your duck skinned shin guards and wear by by the authorities That's really my office of this monkey's paw cod piece. You are in violation of the dress code of the royal order of water buffalo

What say you see couple thereby's and warehouse Now now sometimes his insanity worked out to the public good. During the 1860s and 70s, there were occasional anti-Chinese riots in the city, often ending in fatalities. During one of these incidents, Norton is said to have stood between the rioters and their targets and loudly repeated the Lord's Prayer until the rioters fucked off.

That's pretty great. You guys picture him just like a giant crowd of old timey, marquee marks, just all twitchy, you know, like pre-fight white guy dance where they're like sort of pushing each other, running around, getting ready, then just getting slowly shhhh. I mean, I am now. I am now. Some angry writers looking kind of press fall like You make this weird man. Why do you have to make this weird? Now Norton also took advantage of his imperial authority to print currency He reportedly Issued his own money to pay personal debts which actually became accepted as local currency in a few establishments in the city. Ah, it's just like heath points.

I told you guys, it's just like any other fiat currency. You're allowed, did you take them? It's full faith and credit of the heath. The city of the board's supervisors also appropriated funds to buy him a new uniform. When the old ones started looking shabby, or you know, shit's tanked. No, no.

Responded with a thank you note note and a proclamation declaring each supervisor a noble in his imperial court. And here's a treasury note for one free tickle. Five. Enjoy. And then he invited him all into the cardboard boxes. States and he served as finest mad dog 2020. I like to smell the caps.

All right. So obviously a candle burning this brightly can't burn forever. So where does his story end? You said it. No, tragically, tragically like so many bright lights in this world. On the evening of January 8th, 1880, Norton collapsed while on route to a lecture at the California Academy of Sciences. On the tradition of homeless students failing continues to this day, everyone else.

Now, the police officer that was first to respond recognized Norton and called for a carriage to take him to the hospital immediately, but before the carriage could arrive, Norton died. As San Francisco's morning call put in in a bituary, they ran the carriage could arrive, Norton died. As San Francisco's morning call put it in a bituary, they ran the following day, quote, on the reeking pavement in the darkness of a moonless night under the dripping rain, Norton, the first by the grace of God, Emperor of the United States and protector of Mexico departed this life. And quote, at which point someone probably turned to ever wrote that and was like, really Dave and Dave was like, why? Why? We like making fun of Emperor Norton. And the first guy was

like, yeah, it's just feels, I don't know, it's weird. He's dead. It feels weird. Now, before he died, there were a lot of rumors that he actually never lost his fortune, just his mind, and that the emperor was actually filled the rich. But after his death, it quickly became clear that those were unfounded. He was worth some left seven bucks at the time of his death. Nothing of value was found in his apartment, though there were fake telegrams reporting to be from Emperor Alexander of the second of Russia, congratulating Norton on his forthcoming marriage to Queen Victoria, as well as one from the president of France,

warning that his marriage to Victoria would be disastrous to world. Apparently he was just constantly showing up at people's houses and rolling out a giant scroll, making weird declarations. So I'm hoping somebody was sending those telegrams to fuck with him. Just like, dear emperor, your patent on grandeur has been accepted. You invented grandeur, congratulations.

They didn't, I mean, it just takes one title to get Victoria to throw legs up over her shoulders. I mean, Jesus, I haven't heard of that big or real estate slut since Milani and Trump. When I go mad and I certainly frequently feel like I am, I want my life to be just one endless insane fan fiction to myself like this. All right. So let me, let me guess here, they build a bridge to Oakland so they can scatter his ashes off of it.

That's how I live it. Yeah. I like it. No, originally a pauper's funeral was planned, but San Francisco wouldn't let the emperor go out like that. So a few local business associations established a funeral fund that provided for a suitably dignified farewell. Norton's funeral was held the Sunday after he died and was attended by people of all walks of life.

It was reported at the time that upwards of 10,000 people lined the streets to pay their respect to Emperor Norton. Now, Norton lives on an American literature, though. I mean, Mark Twain, who lived in San Francisco during Emperor Norton's reign, modeled the King and the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn after Norton. He also appears as a character in Robert Louis Stevenson's The Record. San Francisco never forgot its emperor either. Starting in 1974, there's been an annual memorial just outside the graveyard where Norton was buried and in January of 1980, the city held a ceremony to honor the hundredth anniversary

of the death of quote quote the one and only emperor of the united states and quote in twenty thirteen a san francisco based nonprofit launched an effort to name the san francisco oakland bay bridge after him yes what they're undying love for him even extends this w page which some body or bodies clearly combed through regularly to dispute anything that makes him sound like, you know, a desperately mentally ill person who San Francisco kept as a pet. Now, even though the United States never fully recognized Norton's authority, there is one official record of it.

The 1870 census lists one Joshua Norton as a 50 year old man residing at 624 commercial street under occupation. It lists emperor. The document also notes that he's insane. All right. So if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? That shoeless guy who rides the A train is going to have a hell of a funeral. I know that guy. I know that guy. Right.

Why are you joking? You're going to show him to eat that guy? No, Crow Jack. All right. Yeah, he lasted me. He outlasted me in New York City. Well, there you go. All right.

So you ready for a quiz from the panel? As ready as Emperor Norton was for anti-psychotics, you know. All right, so you ready for a quiz from the panel? As already as Emperor Norton was for anti psychotics, you know, all right. I'm going first. Eli, what's the difference between you and Emperor Norton? It's not multiple choice. I'm just really asking anybody. Nice one. Eath, but I clearly think that no one sees a learn charge.

So it was sane, sane. All right, he like inspired by emperor, and Orton, you created your own currency. What is it called? A, the Bosnical. B, the, the Pato. You get it. C, the uncontrollable shit coin.

the uncontrollable shit coin. Or D the you and the day is excellent, but I'm going to go with B just because it ties up the Elon Musk joke from earlier in the show. So yeah, absolutely.

It's correct. Sure. Thank you. All right, Eli being mentally ill can be a great gig. Tell me about it, Tom. So long as you have one of the funny mental illnesses, so which of the below is a viable lunacy to consider for fun and profit? Hey, buciitis, a disease of the mind and jawline characterized by the desire to remove your

enemy's endocrine system in race. B, low handism, a malady suffered when you're 15 minutes, we're up 20 minutes ago, but you're forgotten how to tell time and you move your body like an 80 year old war veteran. C, Kanye syndrome, a set of symptoms characterized by having so much money, you cease to be worthy of dignity. Or D, Trumpastrophe, a potentially fatal condition whereby your desire to make America great again, conflicts with the inability to point out just exactly when that first time was. Oh, secret answer E the speech Steve Buscemi gives in the movie Con air.

All right. Well, it looks like Tom was the first to best you Eli. So he will be the winner. He'll take over his host next week. And he gets to decide who has to do all the work next. Well, let's see. I am going to pick heath because it says that that's the guy next on the schedule. Yeah. It does. It's on the thing. All right. Well, for Ciso Eli, heath and top, I'm no a thing.AD for hanging out with us today, we'll be back next week and by then, he will be an expert on some else. Between now and then, you can hear more from Tom and Cecil by checking out the cognitive

dissonance podcast or by surptitiously dropping a recording device when you're invited to their studio, which I haven't done, but if I add Cecil, I agree with Tom. You can also hear more from Eli, heath of me. On the Scathing Atheist, Godolphin movies, you have the Skeptocrat, and if you'd like to give this show going, you can make a per episode donation or Patreon.com, so I cite T-Shinpot or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can.

And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes. Can I go with us on social media or check out the show notes? Be sure to check out citationpot.com. Okay, we ready to record. I'm recording. Give me one second, I gotta take a shit. Okay, are you gonna finish it though?

Rule of three bitches, rule of threes!