Citation Needed - Episode 35: The Battle of the Alamo

Episode Date: December 13, 2017

The Battle of the Alamo (February 23 – March 6, 1836) was a pivotal event in the Texas Revolution. Following a 13-day siege, Mexican troops under President General Antonio López de Santa Anna launched an assault on the Alamo Mission near San Antonio de Béxar (modern-day San Antonio, Texas, United States), killing all of the Texian defenders. Santa Anna's cruelty during the battle inspired many Texians—both Texas settlers and adventurers from the United States—to join the Texian Army. Buoyed by a desire for revenge, the Texians defeated the Mexican Army at the Battle of San Jacinto, on April 21, 1836, ending the revolution.

So the trip was good. It was great. It was really great. New Zealand was just amazing. And I love Sydney. And I've just really had a vacation of a lifetime. It was really pretty awesome. Oh, that's so cool.

That's so cool. I mean, I'm sure it was great and all, but I mean, a problem would have been better with your best friend there. So I think in future... No, no, no, no, no. See, see? Just admitted you're my best friend. No, no, I didn't. No, I just know what see see just admitted you're my best friend

So no, I didn't know I just said that it would well Because that means he's so sad I'm his best friend. Oh holy shit guys holy shit guys big problem big problem. Wait What's going on? Oh hold on? Hold on I just I haven't I run that much for a while. I'm gonna Hold on, I haven't run that much for a while. I'm gonna... I'm gonna throw up a little bit. Where did you run from? I was down the hall.

I was down the hall. Okay, okay, all right, just catch the breath. What's wrong? What's wrong? Sorry, no, just give me a second. Can I have that gay raid? Yeah, sure. Like all the way down the hall?

No, just from a room. Anyway, so Noah was on the phone with Patreon because they're fucking up all the payment stuff and they're awful. And he told Carol that he would be kicked shit out of her and Carol was like, bring it. You sound like a bitch. Wait, is Carol? She works a Patreon. Anyway, he went to LA. He's he's going to fight Carol. And he's he's he's he can't do the ass day this week. No, I can't do the essay. Keith, this is terrible. Our show relies on you to be the fourth most responsible one. Okay, it's weird meta insult there. Anyway, you have to step in and do it Cecil. He's not gonna be able to do it.

Cecil, you gotta do it. No, no, no, no, I'm two weeks out. I'm gonna throw in for a while. We can just skip, no, I can go on to the next guy. It's not an issue. Cecil, Tom is the next guy. I'll get started. Hello and welcome, Citation Needed podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article

about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Heath and I'll be your server this evening. And before I start you out with some cocktails, let me tell you about our specials. First, we have a salty bowl of muscles and a tasteless vegan loaf. Please welcome Tom and Eli. Wait a minute. Aren't muscles the shitty shellfish that go bad

and then give everyone diarrhea? Yeah, actually that is me. That's pretty good, that's me. Yeah, yeah, to me fair, those are the most accurate descriptions of us I've ever heard. I want those on a poster if we go missing. We also have a very gamey hair.

Keep it going for Cecil. Like a free range triple. So real quick, before you go in, I'd like to thank everyone who stuck with us through Patreon's shenanigans. We make a living doing podcasts and Patreon decided to shake down literally all the people that allow that to happen. So that was fun.

I wasn't enjoying sleep anyway, but thank you so much for all the support and if you're feeling generous, like those fine people, you should stick around to the end of the show and we'll tell you where you can go to help us out as well. Highly agree, and I feel like I should clarify this, if our Patreon drops enough, I will hang myself. I might not have life skills for another job, but I do have life insurance.

So I'm just telling you, you take your dollar away. I'll step off a stool. I'm brave. Jesus. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We get two big drops for the price of one. That's a deal. It's like a boat boat. A boat's right. With that. And out of the way, tell us Eli, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event we'll be talking about today.

I will kill myself today. Thanks to patron He's gonna be telling us about the battle. I will kill myself with the patreon drops low enough of the Alama Patreon go everyone Jesus Christ. Oh Don't incentivize down. All right. was that enough space for this other edit? Cool. Cecil.

You ready to take over for Noah's? They'll have to skip a week. I am. I'm ready to step in the line of fire this week as Noah plays the part of James Bowie. Ziggy Stardust. Nope. The black piano guy.

Also, no. That's Henry Steinway. I'm pretty sure. Anyway, Cecil, you know, hold on, hold on. You call every black guy Henry Steinway. It's just rude. It's true. So Cecil, tell us about the battle of the Alamo. So the battle the Alamo took place during the Mexican Revolution. In 1835, Texas had a lot of American immigrants because a lot of it wasn't America at the time. The Texans didn't like the way the government was heading and they complained about it a lot. One of the reasons that the Mexican government claimed for the unrest was that quote, American immigrants made little effort

to adapt to the Mexican culture. I mean, this feels really familiar is the animal wall. Just walking through American neighborhoods in Mexico, they have folding tables covered in socks, they're blasting born to run. How does that help you sell socks? Why? It's all one song. So in October of 1835, the first battle of the Mexican Revolution took place with the Texans fighting against the

Mexican army. Mexican army didn't have a lot of veterans and many of the soldiers were forced to fight in the army. It's amazing the army you can amass at the Home Depot. Just stunning. Oh, Jesus. I do what? Rebago, rebago, batelia, batelia. Come on. They're there to help. It's in their tagline.

So the Texans basically clean the house with all the troops that were already in Texas. The last battle took place in the Mexican army surrendered on December 9th of that same year. The Wiki article says that the Army in Texas drew adventurers in the U.S. to come join the ranks because being an adventurer was something you could put on your resume in the 1800s, I guess. I don't know, Cecil. Pretty sure I'll put anything on my resume in the desperate two weeks before I get brave enough to jump off the George Washington Bridge and head over to patreon.com Folks nothing in the rule book says a dog can't threaten to kill itself That's air bud

That's airbud seven. It's dark. Also the plot of Santa pause four. It's a lot of crossover. It's a holiday thing. That's what hurt myself today. You got a picture airbud though. While you. This is a really weird plug.

This is weird. It might be illegal to are you allowed to hold yourself? I did you for ransom. I don't think that's new. I was not here to say no to crowdsource ransom by holding it. I don't think that's allowed. Anyway, Cecil, you were talking about how Eric Prince stole his business idea from 1835 Texas.

business idea from 1835 Texas. So with this influx of adventurers, many Texas settlers thought that it was just America interfering again in the politics of the region and they decided ahead home. They also might have been influenced by Santa Anna's policy that enemy troops were pirates and that they were executed instead of capture. Uh, see now that's how you win a war. You just like call the enemies a made up word like terrorist or pirate. And then you can treat them however you want. Never mind. Never mind. Sorry.

Mr. Mohammed, welcome to JFK airport. This is completely random. Please walk along that plank of wood right there. You're randomly chosen for screening. You used to be making sound bad. You were winning that war just very, very slowly and imperceptibly and with many more casual things than necessary, but we are winning. But if we bomb enough weddings, we're going to win that war. You know, if we throw and strike enough weddings. So the Mexican troops left San Antonio de Bajar, I don't know if I'm saying that correctly,

I don't really care actually, which is now San Antonio, Texas. And the Texans there used the Alamo mission as a garrison. It was a structure that was able to withstand attacks from old, timey forces of native tribes and such, but not old timey artillery. Yeah. To be fair though, they tried using healer as the garrison, but again, that price was too high.

Not for me though, just saying, Gargle, Gargle, Garison, Gargle, Gargle. That joke's taken on a fun new twist now, hasn't it? Yeah, we should, we should show somebody else like Al Franken for that joke. Yeah, we should just chose a different person. Yeah, maybe we need pick a woman. We pick women for the judge.

Well, that's what they did. You see, I don't want to bore heath with a bunch of measurements here. But I'm going to do it anyway. The perimeter was about 1,300 feet, which is 400 meters. Thank you. The walls were a little under three feet thick, and they ranged from nine to 12 feet tall. Much like Heath himself.

Okay. Oh, jeez. All right, body shame. Girth is what matters. Girth is what we learned the last week. He jeez. All right. Body shame. Gert is what matters. Gert is what we learned last week. Heardful either way. So in the alamo, there weren't firing ports. So they just installed catwalks so people could fire over the walls and thus expose themselves to enemy fire. There were 19 cannons that the Mexicans left behind, which they put on the walls. And

just like a Texan Sam Houston said that the army could quote whip 10 to one with our artillery unquote. Spoiler alert, that's totally not true. Yeah, remember the time it went so well is never a catchphrase people like unless you're trying to sleep with your ex over Thanksgiving break. Which you should do, by the way, like if you have a few years, oh, like 10 years, let me tell ya, it's a lot, you see, both know how to fuck now, it's a ton of fun. I'm just picturing like the cannons put on top of the walls, they just fire, they just go flying off the top of the wall,

like, oh, it's a really precarious place for that cannon. We should attack those fuckers down. Right, Dennis? So the Alamo was actually really understaffed and didn't have a lot of supplies. One of the commanders there claimed it wasn't prepared to last the siege of four days. So they sent James Bowie and 30 men there

to remove the cannons and destroy the fort, but he failed because he didn't have enough horses to transport the cannons. Yeah, that and some asshole put the cannons on the wall. Oh, hey, get the cannons. Oh, fuck. Did anyone bring a step ladder? No, god damn it. You need a ladder to sass the Mexican army.

I'm actually a blood punny. It's like a fucking Mel Brooks movie. They don't have enough horses. They're trying to get the cannons that are trying to blow up the cannons with the other cannons because they couldn't move only. All right, what do we do? We do two lines of five. Now, I was thinking one big circle. What do we do? And then we just, we lie them all run away. All right. See, that's why you're in a boss one big circle, one big circle. The same commander that said it was woefully under prepared for a siege convinced Bowie that it had some strategic significance.

So Bowie unable to do what he was sent to do and convinced the shitty fort was worth saving sent a message to the Texas governor that said, quote, Colonel Neil and myself have come to the solemn resolution that we would rather die in these ditches, then give it up to the enemy. And quote, it just writes back, dear, idiot, those are not mutually exclusive. You die in the ditch and the enemy just takes whatever they want. What the fuck are you talking about? Right.

Yeah. Step over your body conveniently in a ditch. Yeah. Yeah. They would rather die than give the enemy the thing that they were just moments before about to destroy, which, and I've seen it, it's just a little brick house thing. Like I wouldn't skip lunch to save that thing. Much less time for it.

But we asked for some reinforcements and they did send some. They sent 30 men in February and later some volunteers from Tennessee arrived among them, David Crockett. David Crockett. Who brought with him a delightful, pester-related clothing line. You know, the possum jaw cod piece didn't quite catch on, but it was all for two or it's time. Hey, hey, speak for yourself. I do not leave the house without my possum jaw cod piece. So Neil, the guy who convinced Bowie to stay, then left to try to get more people to defend the alamo. And when he left, he said that William Travis was in charge, but the trips didn't like that and they all elected Bowie. So Bowie decided that he should get shit

face and raise some Helen San Antonio. And as a consolation prize, he decided the next day to share command with Travis. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what? They elected their leader like how popular voter electoral college. This is an important piece of it. There's like some asshole in the corner like I vote green party. I don't want to ask. And share command like I give the odd number orders you give to even number. Can you share?

They're just duct taping a line down the battlefield. Well, my troops are going to flank. Well, my troops are going to flank. Well, my troops are going to jump. So meanwhile, Santa Ana is gathering troops. Gather's about 6,300 men and he had straight for San Antonio. It was a long shitty ride though, and this was happening in December, so the going was slow. When he crosses the Rio Grande in February, they're experiencing record lows in temperature and there's over a foot of snow on the ground.

Thanks to global warming. And with 6,300 troops sharing that one car gets really crowded. Oh, I'm going to see if they were American troops. They would have all had their own car and complained about traffic the whole time. So it's not time. It wasn't that they shared a car. It's just all their bandanas got too far over their eyes and they couldn't see where they were going.

That was the, that was the problem once. Anti-Semitic. They had to wait for all their wives and girlfriends to draw on their eyebrows. It took a lot of time. Yeah, yeah. It's the army of the Cholos. Yeah. So they get to the Medina River in late February and it's 25 miles from the Alamo.

And Santa Ana hears that everyone that is guarding the Alamo is out partying in a town. So he tries to send a raiding party to take it, but it rains. So they just give up. I guess war back then just the way to lay side of the i do just like charging the alamo like rifle in one hand multi colored parasol in the other galoshes welching in the blood a good old days just where was so civilized right so well they roll out a giant tarp over the Alamo until the rain stops. We'll take a quick break. And then we'll be back for the actual battle. Okay, guys, we're here. It's the Alamo. Yeah, I see that. Gotta say, he still doesn't

really look like much. Ah, yes, the Alamo. Prepare, I see that. I gotta say, he still doesn't really look like much. Ah, yes, the Alamo. Prepare yourselves, boys. For today, we die. Well, I mean, I guess that's a possibility, but not really a necessity. Ah, but it is to tie, to perish in glory. Our names will ring out for eons as heroes. Oh, okay. our names will ring out for eons as heroes. Okay. Those who are not again, that could happen. Oh, we can just go get gelato. Wait, what? Yeah, you know, we can just go get gelato. It's delicious and no one ever dies getting gelato. But what if we, yeah, then we just, we just leave the Mexicans.

You know what? Like a shitty Ford that's harder to defend, like, who cares? Guys, we could have gelato. Yeah, I got to say, I'm leaning gelato on this one. That's a really good point. All right. Y'all go get gelato. Fine. Hand me your knaff and gun.

I'm going to defend the alamo myself, then, if you're all going to go get gelato. Yeah. Okay. Well, we're going to do that. Just one of the things. You have a skunk on your head. I wanna defend the alamo myself then, if you're all gonna go get gelato. Yeah, okay, well, we're gonna do that. Just one other thing. You have a skunk on your head. It's a raccoon. Sorry, what? Racoon, it's a raccoon.

Okay, I don't see how that makes it better though. Smells better for one. I think we should definitely do a skit. Maybe something on that Travis and Bowie relationship, you know, something like that. Whoa, whoa, Cecil, you are not the one in charge here. Wait, what do you mean? I'm not in charge. No, whoa, this is an L.A. fight and carol. He's out. He said I was in charge. Case closed. That's, that's it. That's it. No, we don't want you to be in charge. No. Yeah. Then who's in charge? I don't know. You guys want to vote? We can vote. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, this is a democracy. I am the one in charge. Noah said that I am in charge. All right, so let's take a vote. We're doing the vote thing. We're doing the vote thing. Raise your hand if you're in favor of Tom taking over.

Sorry Cecil, you're still my best friend. Two, three, all right, that's three votes. So you're out, Tom's in. That's official. Tom, you picked Tom. Oh, okay, all right, okay, Tom, when should we schedule the show for posting? Noon, noon, what day?

Uh, name all the days. I will pick one. You don't know all the days? Now, I'm a businessman, see? So that's how business works. You don't have to know all the days. You just like pick the first thing you like when someone says it.

That's the one. I like it when Tom's in charge. He's decisive. I like it. That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Okay, okay, all right. Yeah. What should we do, Tom, about the picture I'm blowback that's happening with, you know, all our patrons and how

they're changing the structure? What should we do about that, Tom? Interesting questions, easel. I am interested in answering such a great and interesting question. It is interesting. It is my interest to be interested in that question. It's very interesting. You have no idea what I'm talking about to you. I know, not a clue. What is a Patreon again Again. Uh, that's how we get money for the work we do? No, that doesn't sound like business. He's an outsider, that's what I like. He's frown outside.

Yeah, exactly. He's a, Tom's a really great leader. Just no hesitation, I'm loving it. That is it, I quit the show. Dude, you can't do that, that's my thing. First of all, and Noah left you in charge. So, Tom, tell Cecil, he can't quit. Who's Cecil? [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

OK, well that was tasteful and not at all racist. Surprise. It's the line I wrote ahead of time with very high hopes and actually it wasn't. It wasn't. OK, well that's only because you guys deleted my hilarious sketch about the taco truck. But it's not everything.

You guys all missed that on Tito the Taco. So right in your emails, folks, because if you like my Jean-Banet Ramsey jokes, Tito the taco, he's always eating tacos and rapin. So like I said, not at all racist. So tell me. It's a cracker. The black face raccoon to be driving that truck, but it's he's good driver. All right. So tell us Cecil, what happens when the battle starts? All right. So on February 23rd, people started, people from the alamos started gathering up livestock, stored food, and other the Alamos started gathering up livestock,

stored food, and other supplies and their families to take them inside. The Mexican army marched into town with about 1500 troops and raised a blood-red flag that signified there would be no quarter. Travis basically responded by firing the largest cannon in the Alamo. Why? And Bowie was kind of pissed because he did this and he sent someone to me with the opposing army to tell them that he wanted a surrender and not be killed. But Travis found out and he sent his own person out to do the same thing.

And then I guess that devolved into a game of I'm not touching you. The representatives come back and told them that Hannah wasn't going to make any promises. So Bowie and Travis then fired the cannon again. No, I'm what? What? No, I'm so confused about this whole thing. The first thing they did when they see the opposing army was belligerently fire a cannon and then he immediately tried to surrender and like somehow the surrender was unsuccessful, which I don't even understand. And so they go back to just firing the cannon again.

What is happening over there? Just like, let's go, mother fucker. All right. Look, man, I'm red. I saw this work this out to the So this sparks a fighting and during the first week of fighting each side basically lobbed cannonballs at each other. At some point the Texans were even loading the Mexican cannonballs fired at them into

their own cannons and firing them back. Eventually the people in the fort decided to conserve ammo and gunpowder so they just totally stopped doing. They said like one guy on the top of the wall, a huge catcher is mech. Whop, whop, whop. Totally stopped doing this like one guy on the top of the wall a huge catchers Mech is whoop whoop whoop And then one kid from the wrong side of town can do a special Nuckel cannonball Quack Quack Quack

It was a mighty duck two or three whichever one that was knuckle puck nice nice three whichever one that was knuckle puck. Nice. Nice. So yeah, it was either the knuckle cannon ball or I'm guessing the old snowball trick, you know, you shoot one up really high and then you run up and stab him while they're looking at the high ones. No idea what the snowball trick was. I thought you meant put a rock in a snowball and then, what do you mean? I thought that was the same thing. And then I ran that past my wife and she was like, I don't know anyone who ever did that. And I was like, well, that's why I didn't have a lot of friends.

And then she did that sort of, posy thing she does. She sort of reflects on the contract for us to have kids. And then, I thought the snowball truck had to do with the extraction of semen, but I was thinking it's something totally different. So the Mexicans then sent about two 100 soldiers over the river and they took up defensive

positions around some shacks near there and the Texans sent out a raiding party to leave the Alamo and go out and burn the shacks to the ground. And six Mexicans died in the skirmish and no Texans died. What do we wait? Shacks other than the and six Max is can's died in the skirmish and no Texans died. We wait. Shacks other than the album. Yeah. Yeah. I guess they were.

Okay. They were external shacks. Okay. Okay. Okay. At this point, Bowie gets too sick to work. No law and everyone else has to pick up the slack. Even though there are very busy and other work that they had to do.

No law. No. He. What? And everyone else has to pick up the slack even though there are very busy and other work that they had to do Noah he what just airing That access to health cares about on par with 1835 Got civil rights trending in the same direction. We're all great again. It's wonderful times really. And do you know fair? I'm sure that Noah and Davey Crockett have the same basic trust of Dr. So there are some other skirmishes that happen here, but I marched the first death toll is nine Mexicans dead and four wounded and only one tax in debt at this point. Again, I just, I want to make sure that I'm confused. The goal is like the winner gets the Alamo, right? Like, this is why this is happening is to have

winner gets the Alamo news that this battle is going to take place is spreading throughout Texas at this point. One set of 300 soldiers is determined to make a 90 mile track to the Alamo, but decided after a mile to give up. The troops blame us on the commander and the commander blames it on the troops, and it was probably just another rain delay, really. We all just start eating the orange slices. Somebody's mom cut up their diving around in the mud. I love it. I love it. They just have the I love it. I love it.

They just have the option of giving up. Like war was just voluntary. Like, hey, did you want to fight at the Alamoia? Yeah, sure. Where is it? It's about a block down there. No, fuck that. No, pull me into the front yard.

Going down there. Wait, long block. Like east, west or what? North, North. All right. Well, my mom says I can't go to war at your house anymore because your dad married his Pilates instructor. That's right. That's right.

That's right. At some point, the people in the Alamo get word that there's a bunch of reinforcements headed their way. But what they didn't realize is that these were the people that totally didn't chicken out after a mile of walking and turn back. So they send out a couple of people to look for them. They, of course, don't find them. And they, they, but they do find 50 other people that were just camped and waiting for that

army of 300 to make their way by so they could join them. And they all make a break back into the album. Oh my God. This is the worst siege in all of history. Oh, they don't even have the place to round. Oh my, okay. Oh, Cecil is just bursting to tell you about all the far inferior Siege, he knows about right now. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

I could go on about the siege of Malta in 1585. Don't get me started. Oh, Italian women, right? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,ta in your head? Just tell me what, what it is. What, what is it? It's the place that makes the milk. There's a point that started to go with they talk about a legend of Travis drawing a line in the dirt and saying, if you're willing to die for this cause, you should step over the line and they all supposedly climbed on their desk and said, Oh, captain, my captain,

except for that one one cute killed himself. You know the fucking dread. You know, a Patreon got love. All right, so. So you're saying the owl mose like it's like half dead poet society, half column behind got it. Jesus Christ. Yeah, amazing.

And then they all just took another vote to decide if David Crorockett or David Bowie or whoever the fuck was really in charge And then they snuck all their buddies into their weird Suicide slumber part you think Made by train almost 30 minutes late asshole Secretly torture you for the next year until you admit you found bomb making instructions on YouTube. I'm glad that's all I'm saying for the next year until you admit you found bomb making instructions on YouTube. I'm glad that's all I'm saying. No, that happened today.

I know you're not hearing it to Wednesday, but that happened today. When they said it happened at a bus turn, I'm like Eli's saying to Terri. Yeah, no. They were like, is it terrorism? If no white people got hurt? The whole thing, not terrorism if white people get hurt

or if they do it. That's the fun rule. Hey, back to the story. On March 6, Santa Ana sends his troops in. The main force is marching in in columns, and the rest are surrounding the alley and make sure no one can get away. They wind up killing three Texans

that decided to sleep outside that night. And then they creep in musket range before the Texans inside sound the alarm. Okay, who has like an outdoor sleepover party during a war? Did the Mexican army they're sneaking up and it's just three idiots having like a loud pillow fight. I'm glad they got killed. Sixty three hundred sneaking Mexicans. That's a lot of coyotes. Oh, a lot of coyotes. The non-combatants on the tax inside, hit inside the church and Travis is quoted as saying,

come on boys, the Mexicans aren't upon us and we're gonna give them hell as he ran to his post. Okay, I Googled, come on boys, the Mexicans aren't upon us and we're going to give them hell as he ran to his post. Okay. I googled come on boys, the Mexicans and my browser history filled in something different. So one big problem with having soldiers that don't ought to soldier is that they somehow don't realize that when you're in a column that you, that only the front row should shoot. So the back rows start shooting too. Oh my God. Oh my God. God come on. Remember what happened with the cannons big circle. Big. No, no, no, single line will do single. No, the other

obviously the other way, different sideways. The people inside loaded a bunch of small metal bits like door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes into their cannons and basically turned them into huge shotguns. They blew some holes in the lines marching at them and it probably was not a good day for the people in the front of the column. Yeah. Okay. Well, I don't know a whole lot about military tactics, but I'm just going to go ahead and guess that the front of the column is always having a bad day. Yeah. Just that's true. Yeah. There were too many troops that were marching

on the Alamo. So it was only a momentary victory. The troops outside started placing ladders on the side of the walls and scaling them. Travis was one of the first shot. And he either just died or he died heroically killing one of the Mexicans that breached the wall. Joe our pios vision board right there. Yeah. I'm the poster of that on his ceiling. The scammers aren't sure exactly which one it was, but what is for sure is that he came to work that day and he didn't take the day off. No, I.

I would. Hey guys, I feel like Noah's just going to go and die now, right? A spite. I guess I feel like that because I think Noah does everything out of spite. So when he dies, it will be out of spite. Okay. Tom, you say that, like watching him eat that cereal, he hated wasn't the highlight of our trip to Australia. So the soldiers in stides started leaning over and shooting the people climbing the ladders

but their guns were all old-timey. So they needed a lot of time to reload, like three months or something. So they were having a real hard time doing that and keeping the ladders off the wall. Right. Plus, Mexican buster key and it's probably wreaking havoc at this point. Lots of slapstick style kills. So, you know, Voyne had invented some kind of like anti-latter technology, like a brisk shove. For example,

you're flabberg these and they go for a slide. Slide is the opposite of a ladder. Where is that the obstacle in my head? In my head slide as the else? So the troops at this point are surging against the outside walls and shifting to avoid the cannon fire. Some are shifting so much that San Ana is worried that people may flee so he sends in reinforcements to fill in. One group finds that they don't need letters to climb the wall. It's just old and shitty and they can just scale it because it has a bunch of holes in it.

So they do when they get inside and they open a gate and the troops pour in and take out a lot of the cannons that were firing. Well, this actually sounds a lot like one of the things that action park. This was one of their rights. Yeah. I'm just glad they brought the letters so they could get down the cannons like that's thinking about that. At this point, some of the Texans fall back.

They get to the fortified positions with holes in the wall to shoot out of a group that's cut off from the fortified positions, runs for it and gets killed by the cavalry. Another group that gets separated also gets killed by the cavalry, but I guess they shoot a cannon at the horses before they die. Oh, no, that's how I want to go out bravely shooting a cannon at a horse like a man. Just one on one real close. Three, two, one, the first Texan group that was out in the open was Davey Crockets group.

And they fought around a low wall in front of the church. There was so much fighting going on and it took like two seasons of deadwood to reload so they had to use their guns as close to the point. So just a low wall, it's basically a kid's game of tag at this point. They're just running in a circle, a timeout and interference calls, a spring ankles. One guy has to keep the Alamo weird T-shirt. He's handing out shot glasses. So the Texans in their retreat forget to spike the cannons, which basically disables them. So the enemy can't use them. Well, the Mexicans turned the cannons inward and blew the doors down that the Texans were

hiding behind. Fuck, they didn't leave him in a circle. Thought that was going to work. Thought that was going to do. Damn it. I bet they wish they had just surrendered. No, wait, they tried. I don't understand any of this.

Why is this happening? So there's a lot of speculation on how Bowie died. People agree that he died in bed, but it was that he was either too sick and bayonetted or he killed himself or the wiki says the most popular and probably most accurate version is that Bowie died on his cot, backed, braced against a wall and using his pistols and his famous knife. That's a weird way to masturbate. Judgy, judging.

Yeah. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Also, what the fuck was he doing with the knife? Like getting it to stink in the ground with cool tricks while he was shooting at me. He's about to get killed. Wait, wait, wait, check it out. Check it out.

Triple flip, mumbling peg, jenga. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Triple flip, mumbly peg, Jenga. Oh, the table is him. Hey, best. So the Mexicans basically clean house, blow up doors and shoot inside and then bayonette anyone that's left. Standard police procedure. A crazy part of this story is that the guy in charge of the gunpowder, the master of ordinance, Robert Evans, was on his way back to the gunpowder stores with a torch.

He was killed a few feet from blowing the whole play sky high and killing all the women and children hiding in the church. Oh, there you go. If you're going to lose, lose big Texas story. The Mexican army gets into the church and they mistake a kid for an adult and they shoot him. He's probably just reaching for Skittles. It's tragic.

It's tragic. White lives matter. Oh no. It's reversed in this. That's okay. It's okay. Look out next week for Heath's ironic 45 minute episode on black on black crime. I'm sure it's the, it's their switch.

It's because the white people and the dammit. God, no, no, I'm saying that. So the estimates for the people that died are between 400 and 600 Mexican soldiers and 182 and 257 Texans. The battle basically galvanized the Texas forces and remember the Alamo became a rallying cry. Santa Anna would later be taken by surprise at the Battle of San Jose, Jocito, Jacento, I don't know, whatever, it's a Mexican word. And he told Sam Houston, quote, that man may consider himself born to no common destiny

who has conquered the Napoleon of the West. And now our remains for him to be generous to the vanquished and quote, and Houston replied, quote, you should have remembered that at the Alamo, unquote, but don't get your justice boner. Ready just yet because then Houston spared his life and he was forced to get all his troops out of Texas. Which is such an anti climax.

Because it should have been the face. It's just like you should troops out of Texas. Which is such an anti climax. Cause it's in the face. It is. You should have done it that way. He should have done what he should have taken one of the cannons that he got from the Alamo and shot him with the cannon. Oh, shoot at what should happen. First, yeah, put a whore in front of him, whatever. I don't care how it works, but he should have shot him, but he didn't shot this. Yeah, I know.

Run this through. Run this through one set of peer review, the ending's different. You know what I mean? The ending is totally different. Anyway, the Alamo site is now like a terrorist attraction or something. I think there's an ATM there.

All right. So if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? I think it's a chase ATM. All right, I'll go first. Now the sad circle jerk that is the Alamo has been revealed. What other Southern points of pride should we destroy on next week's show? Is it a, incest,

b, expressing yourself through mud flaps, c, having less than the born number of teeth, poor number, or D, John, but you can't have less than zero. T. Speak first of all, I was born with a full sentence. It happens in God, 100 Americans. Sarah five are a proud people. And we're ignored by history and we're ignored by medicine.

D. John, but a Ramsey. Well, I know it's not John, but a Ramsey issues from Boulder, Colorado. So that's that can't be JohnBeneer Ramsey. She's from Boulder, Colorado. So that can't be Jean-Beneer Ramsey. Actually from Dallas, Texas. If you listen to the bad episode, just read my script. How do you should? You should. You should have me five.

I don't know. I don't know if you should read the fucking Wikipedia article. I don't need to. I wrote my own Wikipedia article. They keep rejecting it. But if they would listen, they would know. Sarah Silverman. Sarah Silverman, when did she die? 1900. What day?

I'll give you a hint. I'll give you a hint. She died on a holiday. Oh, Christmas. She did die at Christmas. She died at Christmas. True. Oh. He doesn't even know anything about Johnny Ramsey.

You fucking get dyes on Christmas. Oh, you've been saying that the whole time in your allire, it's incest. That is correct. Nope, that's incorrect. Incorrect. The answer is Johnny Ramsey. Yeah.

This whole thing falls apart when no is not here. Okay, so I got one for you too. Which of the following is the best way to get a bunch of Texans to shoot each other? Well, besides, of course, a large group of Mexican people marching north like we already learned. Okay, so best way to get Texans shooting each other, A, have a Catholic president visit Dallas. Okay, obviously not. B, back into the left.

That's all I have to say. Be have a Muslim guy sing the national anthem on the 50 yard line of a football field. See speed against Alice running through a Walmart on Black Friday. Or D don't change the gun lows at all. It's all the above. D it's definitely D that is it doesn't matter. You I win literally doesn't win in accordance with all the you know, I win. So Eli, who would you like to pick as the essayist for next week? Oh, I choose Tom.

Right. And now I'm going to toss it over to Sarah for last week's Twitter answer and this week's Twitter question. Thanks, Heath. Last week's question was, what's the best name for a micro penis? The winner was at a post- State poll on Twitter with this answer. Kevin Sorbonneur. Thanks to everyone for submitting answers.

This week's question is, think of a better slogan than, remember the Alamo. Just retweet or face book share this episode with your answer for a chance to be next week's winner. Back to you, Heath. Alright, well, for Cecil Eli and Tom, Heath, thank you for hanging out with us today.

We'll be back next week, and by then, Tom will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can listen to Tom and Cecil as they discuss religion and politics on the cognitive dissonance podcast, which is the only show they have. Or why this triple the fun, that's right, triple, and also a welcome mat. You can listen to Eli, Noah, and myself on our three shows.

Rear them, the Skeptocrat, the Skating Atheist, and God-Off movies. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a donation at patreon.com-sightationpod. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, listen to past episodes, connect with us on social media, particularly look us on social media, and take a look at the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com. Hey Noah! Hey, how's it going, buddy? How's LA? Uh, okay. Jail, huh?

Well, she did. I bet she was. Okay, okay, yeah, I'll call Andrew. Yeah, that's great. No, I bet she did. I have no doubt in my mind that she did. Okay, buddy, bye bye, bye bye bye bye bye.