Citation Needed - Failed Publicity Stunts

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

On this week's episode, we discuss several failed publicity stunts, like the one in "Crush, Texas." Crush, Texas was a temporary "city" established as the site of a one-day publicity stunt in the U.S. state of Texas in 1896. William George Crush, general passenger agent of the Missouri–Kansas–Texas Railroad (popularly known as the "Katy", from its "Em-Kay-Tee" initials), conceived the idea in order to demonstrate a staged train wreck as a public spectacle. No admission was charged, and train fares to the crash site were offered at the reduced rate of US$2 from any location in Texas.   Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

And so I said fine if you're not gonna let me make change then I don't want to leave a penny at all I'm not doing trying to make change for a penny though the Constitution cost for all legal tender to be honored See so this is America's Okay, rolling we don't need to be a gentleman. Okay. What is it this time? What is it? Um well? Come on E-Lat this week's episode is about crush taxes and other failed publicity Sun so I mean did you kill all the other podcasters again? That's possible. You know what? I bet he like moved us on to a train track or something. Is that what you did E-Light? Look at me. Look at me. Is that what you did? Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, cause explosion. So here's what I did. I bet the studio somehow is the train now,

and then he's like running us toward the podcasters. Right, maybe we'll have to make a moral decision about it, right? Yeah, that is a good one. Eli, did you do that? What time says? No, guys, guys, this needs to be epic. A train crash, A suitcase bomb? No.

If we're gonna start this show off, right, we're gonna need a full blown disaster. And that's her now. That's who, now. Oh, that's Tom's ex-wife. No, is it too late for the train thing? Can we do the two votes? Please, the train thing, can we do the two votes? Please, the train thing.

Hello and welcome, the citation needed. The podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Eli Bosnick and I'll be desperately seeking your validation tonight. And all nights, but I'll need four fellows who got hugged too much or too little to join me. First up, reporting firmly from the diaper changes are for closers parenting camp Tom and Cecil. I'll have my diaper changed when it reaches critical mass and not a moment sooner, God

damn it. I probably would have been better off though, is raised by wolves. At least wolves aren't alcoholics. So, it's fair. Hey, you know, that is there. And also joining us tonight, one of those coddled millennials that the newspapers have warned you about, Heath and Rik.

Oh, yeah. I am a coddled heterosis white male zenial. It's totally different than zenial. Now, before we begin our show tonight, we'd like to take a moment to thank our patrons. Patrons, it's thanks to you that we don't have a YouTube channel where we eat spicy food or do anything labeled as something challenge. You are the sub aquatic bokeh that keep us from hitting rock bottom.

And if you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us, Tom, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event, will we be talking about today? Alright, well the whole episode is gonna be about failed publicity stunts, but it really started from a topic suggestion of Crush, Texas, by our patron, Zachary Wilson, Phil, Tro. Alright, and Cecil, you picked this topic as a subtle, but firm way to discourage me from trying to set that blueberry world record. Are you ready to drive the point home? Eli, you can set any record that greatly endangers your life. Live our dreams, Eli. Live our dreams. You got it. So tell us, Cecil. What blueberry record? What are you doing with the blueberries? No, he already cut it all. We did a whole 20 minute recording session and then we had to start it over again. We don't want to expose everyone to that.

So Cecil, tell us, what were some failed publicity stunts? Well, often the best publicity is free publicity. And companies want to be talked about. They want people discussing their product. And they would love for that to happen for much less money than a full-fledged advertising campaign. Often corporations hire PR or public relation firms to help message information about products

to the public at large. They'll normally do this by getting the media to mention the product and hopefully speak favorably about it. Yeah, or they could use the current model, which is to hire the PR services of Putin and Putin to fill up your newsfeed. That also works. Right, right. which is to hire the PR services of Putin and Putin to fill up your newsfeed. That also works.

Right, right. So, for example, a company like Breathe Right nasal strips who did not pay me to say this might send a press release to media outlets with a recent study that says that the product is good for working out or combating sleep apnea, then maybe he's to read the study, then that media company, no, I don't mean maybe study study. Print that story or a variation to that story,

thus giving the company a chance to not only get their product name out in front of the customer eyeballs, but also convince the customer that the product is somewhat vetted. Yeah, just to be very clear once again, turns out you can't fix sleep apnea with band-aid. But I always do wear my CPAP machine when I work out. Yeah, and a pro tip, also the CPAP machine, great on a first date, if she'll accept that, you're gold for life. You can go home alone and weepily masturbate into a CPAP.

Yeah, and you can get a nice breathing restriction off. And if you turn it up real high, is that it? We'll talk. We'll talk. Which setting doesn't matter later, later. That's okay. Not in front of them. Do you have to tell the machine you're safe

where it is? That's what it's worth. Circuit breaker. Circuit breaker, Alexa off is my So companies spend a lot of money to try to get good PR on their products, but sometimes they need a bit of a jolt. They need everyone talking about their product. They need to go viral. So they'll stage something outlandish enough to get media coverage and then hopefully ride that wave of publicity.

This is a high stakes gamble because sometimes it pays off, like Felix Baumgartner and the Red Bull Stratus jump. That's back. Yeah, that really turned out great, actually. See, Bill, we gotta get people talking about this new energy drink we made. Sure, sure, sure, but what can we do? Well, you know, we could tell everybody about how it tastes.

Like, uh, sun bleached donkey urine, yes. Okay, uh, not the taste. Let's not talk about the taste. How about we tell people about how it makes you feel? Right, yes, perfect. I say, Red Ball, it's not a heart attack, but it's close. That's a good slow. Okay, not everyone has heart problems with it

Just a lurch. Okay. Okay. How about this one red bill? Try not to shit yourself. That's uh-huh. Yeah, I like it, but I see the problem Uh, we could always make a man jump off a spaceship. Well, what does that have to do with a red ball? Nothing nothing at all. Well, then it's perfect. Yeah Red Bull is fucking disgusting It's always the world would get better How does it dare you guys it is so disgusting you when You could smell when someone had one a half an hour ago. Yeah, it's like ax body spray.

It's good. I have a buddy though who drinks this stuff mixed with Yeager Mice. Yes. Oh, where are you doing? King the lion. What do you guys possibly imagine? It's the worst.

How fast does he hit his wife? Seriously. I'm not married. From that marry. Speed bag, just, I don't know what you guys think. Here's the idea. I'll presume a left arm, downers in my wide arm,

you'll see who wins. Pro tip, not your heart. And not Chris Farley. Speed balls? Seriously, these are all terrible things. Yeah. These are all delicious. So back to the essay.

This essay is about the other times that aren't Felix Baumgartner. So before we get to Crush, Texas, let's talk about some failed publicity stunts. Let's roll back the clock to four century BC. The Etruscans first introduced the art of publicity stunt when they placed their likeness on a t-shirt for this citation needed.

I didn't expect this from you, Max. This hurts. That's just... Well, no, it's not here. So somebody's got to do a... Oh, it's a ton of them. It's written on the fucking contract, okay? Where was the cotton blend on that?

So... I like it, try. But really, in the four-century BC, in ancient Greece, a fellow by the name of... What's his name? He likes, say his name. Hero Stratus. No.

No, no, no. Harastras. I. Hero Stratus. No. No, no, no, no. Horostris. I like hero Stratus. That's a baller. Hermos. Hero Stratus is the guy who jumped out of the Red Bull thing. That's the thing. Yeah, exactly.

Horostris decides to get his name in the pages of history. He burned down the Temple of Artemis. No one really knows a lot about the guy prior to this. He may have been a slave or an immigrant, but he was certainly someone of low social standing. He lit the temple on fire and then he was caught, thrown on the rack and tortured, and eventually confessed claiming

that all he wanted to do was immortalize his name. Okay, cool. Next up, we have the PR campaign for the Triangle shirt waste factory. To fund one. No. No. Well, it's easily known what they say.

The only way to stop a bad guy with a fire is a good guy with a fire. No way, that's fucking stupid. I'm stupid. No, no, no. Next up we have the campaign for the Notre Dame Cathedral. So back then, they had this figured out too, or so they thought they first executed them and then they basically voler-morted the guy they forbid the mentioning of his name they took it one step farther than

rolling though they made and they made saying his name punishable by death and then the efficient people did take it seriously they didn't mention them but the people in other cities did and that's how we know about them so the head of the national torch association comes out with a flaming torch from my cold dead... What do you mean, okay? Get off me, Steve. That's cool. Everyone stops saying, okay, hot dead fingers.

Don't care, either way. Hot dead fingers. It's a name of my band, by the way, hot dead fingers. I'm playing it the Y this weekend. Really appreciate it if you guys came out. So I don't want to bore you all with old timey publicity stunts. So let's fast forward to the modern day. In 2005, the Snapple Company was looking for some sweet, sweet world record publicity.

This was awesome. They decided to make the world's largest popsicle in June in New York City. So besides the entire event smell in my garbage, they also brought in 17 tons of frozen juice from Edison, New York. How many people are hungry in New York? Well, they're so stupid. The juice melted faster than they could assemble the thing and quote, the spectators fled to higher ground

as firefighters hosed away the melted juice and quote. Wow. Fun and true fact. 14 year old Eli was present for that, but because he and his dad relate, they just showed up and people were hosing the sidewalks in New York. I'm telling you this to evacuate the area. And I had my first moment where I was like, maybe adults don't have it all together. I was like, sorry, here we go.

I just want to be clear, you drove from Binghamton, New York to see a popsicle. See a big popsicle. I thought I was going to get some and I remember being very disappointed that like, you wanted to eat a piece of the popsicle assembled in Times Square, New York City. I mean, I did. I mean, I did. I mean, I did. I did. I mean, I did. I did. I mean, I did. I did.

I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did.

I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did.

I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did. I did, really big popsicle nailed it. Um. Who wants some iced tea? So Mission Impossible, the movie with Tom Cruise, was released in May of 2006. So in order to get the word out about the movie and generate some hype, Paramount decided to select LA Times paper-fending boxes and place a device inside of it that would play the theme when someone opened the door.

But hilariously, they didn't do a great job of hiding the players. So people would walk up for a paper and see a fucking blinking box with wires on it attached to the door. Why did it make a blink? Just somebody fucking with you that. The box squad had to detonate several boxes and they even shot a hospital down for a bit because of this. Should we put the countdown timer on it?

Like for funs, yes, sir. For fuck. Just 10 seconds later right after that. Hi, LAPD, this is Dave from Dave's bowling ball candles. I need to cancel a scavenger hunt. Can you guys do that? Oh, my God. I can't do this. In 2007, a marketing team name, Interference Inc,

was hired for some guerrilla marketing to put up a bunch of signs around Boston. These were for a show on Cartoon Network called Aquatine Hunger Force. Wow. The problem was, these signs were a circuit board with lights on them a Small cylinder at the bottom which held batteries and they attached to shit with magnets. They look like IEDs They sure did okay. Yeah to be fair though

I would rather deal with actual IEDs and have to watch Aqua T100 Guess that's too much wrap It's a shake it's wrap. It's a shake. It's a shake. It's a shake. The talk. It's not funny. It's just doing a different thing.

Doesn't make it funny. I know all of my voices come from our team. I'll go for it. Both of them. I bid. So they plant these IED look and bomb things overnight. And in an email for the list of suggested locations, they chose, quote, train stations, overpasses,

trendy areas and high traffic visibility areas. The pentagon. The pentagon. Okay, yeah. So basically just think of anywhere you plant a bomb, then plant not a bomb there. Okay, good idea, good one, guys. So the next morning, people start to see them

and they call the police. This is a quote from Wikipedia. Quote, during the preliminary investigation at the site, police found that the device shared some characteristics with improvised explosive devices. These characteristics included an identifiable power source, circuit board with exposed wiring and electrical tape,

after the initial assessment, Boston police shut down the northbound side of I-93 and parts of public transportation system, end quote. And to see our new trailer, everybody just cut the red wire. I'm very excited. LAUGHTER Turner Broadcasting releases a statement saying, Well, everybody just cut the red wire. Very exciting. Ha ha ha ha ha. Turner Broadcasting releases a statement saying,

how sorry they were in Boston and Homeland Security. We're like, how sorry? And Turner said, a million a piece, sorry. And everyone hugged. And that's how it went. Okay, rough day everybody, moving forward. No publicity stunts that look like bombs. Hard rule.

Just none of them. No, no, no. Okay, Just question. Can I ask a question? Sure. Absolutely. Right. I have an account with the Boston pressure cooker company. Oh, no. How do you cancel us? Gavin Juhunt. No, no, no, no. Advertise it on Reddit. That's how you guys are. You guys heard a life lock, right? That guy that posted his own Social Security number on the side of a billboard because his company was so good

at preventing identity theft. Well, after he posted it in 2007, he was a victim of 13 cases of identity theft. It was 13. Challenge accepted. That's what I say. A marketing agency hired to promote South Australia was not super successful. was 13. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no transit. So that's it. Last week I got a pair of shoes delivered via FedEx and the box looked like a honey badger on meth and Viagra tried to fuck it harder than Brett Kavanaugh at a fret party. So not

really shocked at the live fish through the male thing. I didn't work it out. Less than a year after the Aurora Colorado Batman shooting. This is amazing. Amazing? Yup. Okay. Theater in Missouri thought it would be a good idea to hire people to dress up in tactical gear and storm in with fake weapons during a showing fireman's removal.

Just, just, I included a picture of this in the document for the gentleman to see. Hopefully, whoever posts this will post the picture so you can see it as well. My God. People dial 911 frantically and one army that had a PTSD panic attack. This is Christ. They're outside. Trust me, guys, everyone's gonna love this.

They run in the theater. Shit! Forgot we're in America. Yeah, I forgot we're in America. Oh, yeah. This is the only country in the world where that prank went tragically right. And the photo of these idiots is amazing.

Really genius. Oh my god. It's just a bunch of sloppy red necks from Zuri who worked at a movie theater who all clearly owned tactical riot gear for absolutely no reason. And they found a way to play dress up. Plus the one black guy who worked at the theater too.

And they were clearly like, okay, well, somebody needs to play Nick Fury. And they all looked at him. And he's just like, yeah. Somebody's gonna like stand their ground 40 times right in my center mass. That's how I'm getting my patch. In January, 2007, a morning show called The Morning Rave. I'm on a radio station in Sacramento held a contest. They had all, hold your we for a wee contest.

And it is exactly what it sounded like. People had to drink as much water as they could without pissing, the one that drank the most one, and by the way, Nintendo Wii's cost about 250 bucks. Yeah, that's not exploitive at all. Instantly, other contest name was rejected was, dance for me, you fucking poverty monkey. You know what they didn't go with that. Yeah, all right.

Once closed. Underwear's like a dollar. I'm just saying Cecil. Yeah. So they put these people around 20 in a room and gave them water to drink every 15 minutes. They started with eight ounces and they increased the amount each time. One lady, Jennifer Strange, who came in second, said to have drank almost two gallons of water.

Now, if you don't know, this is actually really dangerous. Drinking too much water can dilute the sodium content in your blood and you can die from it. It happens to about 13% along distance runners, not death, but they definitely get sick from it. The radio station DJs knew this might be an issue. Quote, at one point, a caller contacted the station and informed the DJs that the contest could be dangerous and potentially fatal.

The DJs responded by saying, were aware of that and said that the contestants had sign releases and couldn't file a lawsuit. Quote, it was only a waiver for publicity and not for safety. So it's like, like the waiver is the problem. Like that's the whole thing. All right, the fucking sense of concern for her safety here is just palpable.

Oh, yeah. So that lady that down to gallons of water, she's not feeling well, she goes home to sleep and she never wakes up. They shit can the three DJs and they cancel the morning show and good because in the recordings you can hear them making fun of the lady saying her stomach looks like she's three months pregnant hey I have an idea what if we kill all the morning DJs

I mean for a start turning I just think it's a good idea we brought them up I'd like to say it all out on our show play an amazing grace at the funeral. Me. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Boying. There was a criminal investigation that no charges were filed.

They found that, quote, it was a contest and people were saying there was no coercion, and quote, total exoneration. Total. See, up. There were several lawsuits after the fact, though, the family filed suit for wrongful death and the DJ's over wrongful termination.

It seems like the same thing. Well, the DJ's settled their case with the radio station after a couple of years and the family was awarded 16.6 million dollars in the lawsuit. It was a watershed moment. All right. Watershed. Well, so far we've got history

first mass shooter and a bunch of dudes who asked they're stone nephew what the kids are into these days. But after the break, old time you, America will tell those mother fuckers to hold their beer. So let's catch a breath during a little something we like to call apropos. So true. I'm so true. Gentlemen, welcome to every advertising agency since 2010 when we go around the room and introduce ourselves, I'm old money in a new suit.

I remember when advertising was about the product. What it did or looked like, anyway, I don't advertising was about the product. What it did or looked like anyway, I don't understand anything that's happened in my industry, but I'm here. I am Still here. Hey guys, name's Michael, but you can call me the machine. Absolutely not. I will die before I do that. Dope. Dope. Dope. Dope. I'm 39. I take care of my mom full time, by which I mean a lib with her, she's fine anyway. I got hired because of my Instagram meme,

Farts has 640 million followers, and I'm actively gonna damage this workspace. Yeah, you will. Okay, I'm Kyle. I'm already being sued for sexual harassment, just so you know, I wanted to get there. Yeah, assumed. So, yeah, I'm already being sued for sexual harassment. Just so you know, I wanted to get out there. Yeah, assumed. So, yeah, I'm Kyle.

I was an econ major and just sort of expected this industry be different, I guess, but I'm here now. And the fact that I'm young means that all of you keep agreeing with me, like I'm tapped into a secret culture or something. I'm really just a person, and this is a tremendous amount of pressure that I would like to stop.

I don't like it here. I wrote down everything you said. It's all wrong. We should do Coke together like soon. Okay. To the Coke. Okay. I am Buon Jard,

but you can call me Cookie. My dad was the large-case infusion that happened at the end of last quarter. So I'm here now, even though nobody's really sure what my job is. Anyway, when you first meet me, you're going to be like, oh cool foreign guy. That'll be wacky fun, but my culture is vastly different, and I actually have really, really troubling beliefs and behaviors, so... Okay, so... I'm also being sued for sexual harassment, in case you guys are...

Oh, high five, bruh! Get it! High five! Ugh! So, our first client is Skittles. Jens, any ideas? Oh, I got it all. I got something on my face. Bro, got something on my face. I love it.

Yes. Shut. What? Is that great? No, no, no, no, no. I was actually just pointing, I just actually have something. Kyle, Kyle, that is dope, bro.

There's like a boy and a girl, and then he's got Skittles on his face, and then she's like, each one, and then he's got skittles on his face And then she's like eats one and then she's got skittles from him. She gets the skittles. What? I know right so random and then and then she calls him and Let's just go with the face thing because he is one. Oh, yeah, got it not far enough foreign dude not far enough everywhere And we're back when we left off Danny the dab and vape dog it killed two people America show us a thing or two about blowing up. Okay, so around the 1880s, the Missouri Kansas, Texas railroad had reached the area of what would become crush Texas.

The site today is about 15 miles north of Waco, Texas, so still a total disaster. But anyway, back then, and probably still it was a barren wasteland, so an agent of that railroad named William George Crush conceived the idea of a planned train crash there. What? William had gotten the idea from a recent crash that was staged near Cleveland, also still a barren wasteland, by the way, on the Columbus and Hawking Valley Railroad Line. Okay, yeah, you gotta wonder how that pitch meeting went, right? So there's no one here in our little town in Texas. Well, why not? Well, I mean, it's hot, it's arid,

there's no resources, no infrastructure. Absolutely nothing worthwhile to see or do. I'm assuming that's it. Yeah, yeah, all right, but I ain't no excuse, we still got Houston. Oh, yeah, all right, but I ain't no excuse, we still got Houston. Oh yeah, good point, good point. Um, okay, well, we'll need something to get people excited. Right, right. Well, how about we go ahead and dig ourselves a well. Boo nerd, boo. Uh, next idea. All right, well, what about we put up a school for the childrens to learn? No, boo, no, strike two.

No. Okay, yeah, let's see. We could, uh... Crash your train! Yeah! What? Crash train. What a look.

I'll do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. At the time, the Missouri Kansas Texas Railroad was changing technology. They were moving away from a 30-ton steam engines, and instead replacing these locomotives with a more powerful 60-ton steam engine. Well, the 30-ton steam technology... Is that the only thing you could just doubling technology? I'm pretty sure it's the same technology, just making it a bit better. It's just two trains on top of it. Yeah, it's just strapped one to the other. Look at the right, I invented two forks to eat faster. It's double the-

That does work, that's a bad idea. Well, the 30-ton engines were just gathering dust and so George, knowing that the plan crashed in Ohio was a smashing success decided a copy to event but make it bigger. I'm sorry, it was a smashing success or the train line, like people heard that their train had crashed and was like, I don't know if I had to take it and die that way, fuck you, my friend.

Right. Right. Yeah, so this is what happens when Atlas shrugged actually happens in real life. This is the market solution we're not talking about. America is what happens, yep. So his plan, his plan was to stage a crash market solution. We're not talking about America is what happens. Yep. So his plan, his plan was to stage a crash and make it free to the public, but it was

in the middle of nowhere. So his clever plan was to charge two dollars a ticket to get to this spectacle from anywhere in the state. Please tell me there's a real train crash on the way to the fake one. No. Now, two bucks in 1896 was about 60 bucks today. So it wasn't cheap to get there, but he figured people would come from far and wide to see this train wreck. And this is a thing we are literally betting on for our life show in New York City this Saturday.

So I mean, he's come again, I feel like that's going to be a train wreck. So exactly, exactly William Crush really did a lot to make sure that this town was ready. He had cruise dig water wells. He had the Ringling Brothers Circus erect a big top-like tent. They built a platform grandstand so there could be speakers. In fact, they had three speakers. Speakers? This is like 18 something.

So like, they had a guy on each train miked up like Monday night football to figure out what sounds like inside. I have no idea what these speakers talked about, but it was in an era where you could go three minutes without checking your phones. I'm sure everyone was totally entertained. The train leaves Houston.

Been going 50 miles an hour. Yeah. They built two telegraph offices. They built a special train depot. They built a midway placence that had had quote, lemonade stands, carnival games, medicine shows, cigar vendors, and other side shows with a construction form and saying that the feature alone would be worth going to Crush City to see end quote. They even built a brand spank and new city sign that said welcome to Crush Texas.

A new sign! Well, hell, gooo, really, I would travel right across that whole state just to Crush Texas. A new sign for hell, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go It was a large arc, just pick one. Hey! It was like the cups and the balls each one had its own. This funner. They didn't want to mess with the main line with some track twisting rack or some runaway trains. So they staked out an area where the trains could crash. And it was a low valley nearby. And they took two decommission trains, a 35 ton balled

one engines. And they painted them red with green trim and green with red trim. Christmas they had the trains to a bit of a tour on the railway first to drum up excitement and advertise for this momentous event. Okay, I know we're all gonna make fun of this, but I just want to say like I would 100% buy tickets. I know the tickets are free. I would still buy tickets to see this right now. Traveled around obviously worked because they had planned for a

crowd of 20 to 25,000 people. They instead got 40,000. I'm jealous. The railroad had to run 30 extra excursion trains to the event. There were so many people, they had to get 300 constables just to maintain order. The people wanted to get right up there

and see the damn trains, and there was this huge crush to get to the train. The 300 previously mentioned constables had to shove the crowd back and the actual crash was delayed by two hours because of this. At 40,000, the city of crush was for a few hours, the second largest city in the state. Hey, and if it went wrong, it was a great example of a problem that solved itself, right? So you know, right? Yeah.

Kinda like NASCAR drivers and fans, yeah. Just like, works itself out in payroll, yeah. Feels like we're about to get the original Darwin award. Like, it's not that long after you went back. Right, right. So you see, I had a time, they had figured out some safety precautions to make sure they didn't kill the 40,000 people. The engineers told the Railwell Company that the boilers on these trains were, quote,

designed to resist ruptures and that even in a very high-speed crash, they were unlikely to explode and quonk. I mean, if that doesn't inspire enough confidence in people to rest their lives for a momentary spectacle, I don't know what would! Hmm. Now, Johnson, what would you say the chances of this causing a massive and deadly explosion are? Well, sir, we've run the math,

and we've decided that the results are... M-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Yeah. Alright, you heard him. Met. Strike up the band. Yeah. Exactly. Met. The engineers plotted out the place where these trains would meet. On the track, the engineers. The engineers. We're two trades. We're gonna bump into each other.

You know everyone's math teacher showed up that day. Say y'all laughed at me. Yeah. Tom, they knew the Y-axis. They didn't know the X-axis. Okay. They had cordoned off the spectator area. And that was 200 yards from the crash site. They allowed me to throw a slice of.

That feels very small. Of course it does. That doesn't get to even better. The press had a front row seat and and they were allowed within a hundred yards of the crash. Much smaller. Yeah, half the distance. The trains were a locomotive

and six box cars each behind them. They were worried that the box cars would be coming on hitch, so they fashioned the box cars together to the locomotive with heavy chains. Oh, cool. So they created a giant flail. Yeah, good idea. That's exciting. Oh, cool. So they created a giant flail. Yeah, good idea.

That's exciting. I'm great. I wanted to make sure this event went off without a hitch. So they had a spare locomotive waiting in the sidelines just in case. They also filled every three box cars with rat poison and outward facing nails, because they really wanted their very own citation needed episode. Does it say boat poll on the side of one of those comments?

So at 5 p.m. on September 15th, 1896, after they shoved the crowd back behind the 200 yard line, they got this party started. The guy who arranged the whole thing, William Jorn's crush, mounted his white horse and road past signaling that the shit was about to get real. Okay, this guy 100% dressed up as Braveheart. Is that obviously like, let's go. I don't know.

Everybody from that day till this. For one chance. They did a slow motion photo op first. They brought the trains together for a quick shot and then they rolled to their starting positions at each end of the track. It's like, what were they expecting? Like Thomas the fucking tank engine starts smack talking per se right in front.

So the whole thing is so dope. Bitch. I love that Tom has Thomas the tank engine deep cuts because of his children. I've never been happy. The engineers inside did engineer stuff to get the trains up to full steam, then, quote, the engineers and crew aboard each train opened the steam to a pre-arrange setting, rode for exactly four turns of the drive wheels, and then jumped from the trains, end quote. They got up to 45 miles an hour before impact.

Here's a snippet from the Dallas Morning News. By the way, they knew how to write papers back then. Okay, here we go. The rumble of the two trains faint and far off at first, but growing nearer and more distinct with each fleeting second was like the gathering force of a cyclone, nearer and nearer they came, the whistles of each blowing repeatedly

and the torpedoes which had been placed on the track exploding in almost a continuous round like a rattle of musketry. Is this the first time this guy ever heard a train? I don't know. Did you say torpedoes though? I don't know. I don't know what it is.

It's the sweat of your road. I don't know. I don't know why he's so good. How are they going to know which direction they're going torpedoes? They rolled down at a frightful rate of speed to within a quarter of a mile of each other. Nearer and nearer as they approached the fatal meeting place, the rumbling increased, and the roaring grew louder. A crash, a sound of timbers rent and torn, and then a shower of splinters.

There was just a swift instance of silence, and then as if controlled by a single impulse, both boilers exploded simultaneously, and the arrow was filled with flying missiles of iron and steel bearing in size from a postage step to half a driving wheel, end quote. The engineers turned to everybody, oh, to be fair, that was super unlikely everybody. I mean, super unlikely, yeah.

Super cool, how they exploded at the same time though, right? Yeah. Again, I wanna be in that meeting. All right, so it uses steam under pressure, you see? Mm-hmm, right, and so that steam, you see, that pressure builds up until it has this sufficient power to move hundreds of tons of steel. Exactly, yes. Right, so what would happen if we just, you know,

broke that thing real quick like? Like, does Steve mentioned broke that? Yeah, real quick. Probably nothing. That was what I was thinking, probably nothing. Good. It's great. Immediately, people bolted because flying into the crowd,

even at 200 yards a safe distance were large fucking parts of the train. Oh yeah, that's a good call. Wait for the explosion and outrun the shrapnel. That's skim. Yeah. The shrapnel leaves Houston traveling at 40. And I'm dead.

So two people are smushed out. Killing them and then six others are injured from the debris, a very unlucky photographer. Jarvis Jo Dean had a bolt from one of these trains fly right into his eye socket. He lived, but he had to get real good with his spare eye. Mother fuck, the one day I switched the camera to my left eye, just the funsiest one. Come on. Tell us morning news, described the scene after the crash,

quote, all that remained of the two engines and 12 cars was a smoking mass of fractured metal and kindling wood, except one car on the rear of each train, which had been left untouched. The engines had both been completely telescoped in contrary to experience in such cases, instead of rising in the air from the force of the blow, we're just flattened out.

There was nothing about the cars big enough to save except pieces of wood, which were eagerly seized upon and carried home as souvenirs and to that last bit. I got Dave's eye. Put down the eyeball, put down the eyeball. It's my eyeballs. I found it first. No. I get the eye. You get the bowl. No, Neil. I found them together. I keep them together. I'm believe it, mouth. I paid your two dollars to come from fucking Kansas. You're an asshole. It's just a raccoon

on the side. It's like, you give me the eyeball. I could bust you out of here. Anyway. So they didn't wait until it all cold down and several of them rushed in to grab a little memento and they went home with nice first and second, second degree burns as a remissor. Just play me wreckage put it your pocket. Is there anything more American than explosion run for your lives? Ooh a souvenir. Wow, those are rough looking crats. Ooh, Dale Earnhardt, senior's job bone. I'm keeping this.

That happened. Still better than going through the gift shop with four kids though. I'm just saying it from this. That happened. Still better than going through the gift shop with four kids though. I'm just saying it's still true. Dale Earnhardt Jr. said that. He's took the job. I killed his five. So surprise, the guy who thought of the whole thing

rode the horse, that guy fired that day. Okay, wait, why? Did the trains not crash? Yeah, it went to play on it on his resume. I can see if the trains didn't bump into each other. Yeah, that's not him. It got not crash. Yeah, it's a win to play on it on his resume. I can see if the trains didn't bump into each other. Yeah, that's not it. Yeah, it's not. It's not even amazing.

It's like, you're one fight. They go right next to each other. And the engineers are nodding. They're like, there's no way we predict a dish. No way at all. We predicted this. Who made the second try? Did you tie five guys to a second track?

What the fuck? So he got fired that day, but, but quote in light of lack of negative publicity however he was rehired the next day and continued work for the company until his retirement a career spanning six and a decade and quote people of course suit the railroad and they settled those lawsuits. This is my favorite part, quote, with cash and lifetime rail passers-in. I love that you get like a fucking pass. Pretty like, I don't have a fucking leg, but anyway. Cool story. Hey, I'm gonna sue after that school shooting.

Oh, you hear it, get a free glass guy. I hate you. That's great. The guy who lost his eye got 10 grand. And even though people died and it was a horrible disaster, the company benefited enormously and got a shit ton of attention from the incident all over the world.

And because we as a species never learn anything, this is when Wikipedia quote, despite the disasters, many railroads continue to stage locomotive collisions in the following years and quote. There lifetime supply of fluid of mind no no I got not the all right and Cecil if you had to summarize in one sentence what you've learned what would it be fail publicity stunts like an ooze baby no matter what after the fact you have to pretend to love them that's how it works. Do you? Cecil, what was the best song I'm circling back to earlier?

What was the best song those morning DJs played during the P-holding contest? Oh, perfect. Was it A, the kidneys are all right. The lead P, obviously, phenomenal. C, a Pearl Jam double feature. Even flow and yellow lead bladder. Yellow lead bladder is amazing. It's so good.

So good. Or was it D? Omarashi blinded me with science. Oh, excellent. Very good. Also, those are, those are both really good. He's, but you missed a really obvious one. It's secret answer D, you're in the money.

So, you're in the money. Oh, it was secret answer E, you're in the money. That was really good. D, even off the go. I mean, it's, I know you threw it out because it was too obvious, but I had to say that. No, it wasn't. I was just humoring you. It was too obvious, but I had to say it wasn't I was just Humming you it's actually wrong. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna win this

All right Cecil as you well know several publicity stunts have been recommended for this show and all have been Some merely rejected. Why is that? A because every time we try to prank you for hidden camera challenges, you challenge the producer to a duel. You deserved it. B, because Eli has that manuscript titled 101 Uses for Toilet Blood. Oh, God. It's a lot.

It's a lot of uses. C, because Noah wouldn't agree to eat a hot pepper on camera, citing his aversion to vegetables. So yeah. Isn't it good that way? Or D, because no matter what we tried for Heath, a train wreck was his best possible life. Oh, shit! Oh man!

Oh! I'm gonna say secret answer. Secret answer E. No one is gonna pay to watch you fuck oatmeal cream pies time. Sorry. You say that, you say that every time. And I know you keep on trying to build it as a cream pie for a cream pie,

but we don't wanna see it, okay? I see you're not. I see you're not everybody. And the world is bigger now. The internet has made, someone's gonna watch my channel. I kinda wanna see it. I wanna be that guy,

I wanna watch you. I wanna see you. I wanna see you. I wanna see you. I wanna see you. I wanna see you. I wanna see you. I wanna see you. I wanna see you. I wanna see you. I wanna see you. I wanna see you. I wanna see you. C.P's those are the right delicious Fucking ass your hands Just think they're not in a place

Yeah, I call it on C.P. You know me Something in your life means that you've needed to abbreviate I'm down with O.C.P. Don't be there Cecil Noah is suspiciously missing from this episode Why is it A? He didn't want to relive the pain of the crash. B, working with me has exposed him to far worse ideas for publicity.

Of course, he's arranging for two trains to meet on stage at the pit on October 12. It's gotta be C, two trains enter. No one leaves. There you go. He is correct. Well He has the quickest abbreviation for a dessert. So you win this week Yeah, all right. I get to pick next week. Actually, that's the live show. Isn't it? That's the first live show? Yep live show the first live show or the first piece I'm gonna go with? Mr. Noah Luzians. All right. Well, for Noah, Tom, Cecil, and Heath, I'm Eli Bosnick.

Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week. And by then, Noah will be an expert live on stage in New York City. Between now and then, Tom and Cecil will be frantically moving three backup sound systems into a hotel in New York. Heath will spend 14 hours on a note that he'll delete. No will interview an actual atruscant for his essay and I'll remember the show is happening

two days beforehand. And if you'd like to help keep the show going, you can buy tickets for the end results in the show notes or make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. Or leave us a five star review. Everywhere you can, that really matters, and it only takes a second. Not as much as the money thing. And if the lot can't touch with us,

check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes. Be sure to check out CytationPod.com. And remember, if you come to a New York live show, there's a non-zero chance we'll end up marrying you. What? What? I'm telling you you man, Bitcoin.

Bitcoin. Please stop talking to me. Bit! My grandfather used to make his workers buy through a coin for their Vobroska. I don't even know what that is, that's terrifying. This guy gets it. Yeah.

I will take that coke. you