Citation Needed - FDR

Episode Date: October 30, 2019

Franklin Delano Roosevelt (/ˈroʊzəvəlt/,[1] /-vɛlt/;[2] January 30, 1882 – April 12, 1945), often referred to by the initials FDR, was an American statesman and political leader who served as the 32nd president of the United States from 1933 until his death in 1945. A member of the Democratic Party, he won a record four presidential elections and became a central figure in world events during the first half of the 20th century. Roosevelt directed the federal government during most of the Great Depression, implementing his New Deal domestic agenda in response to the worst economic crisis in U.S. history. As a dominant leader of his party, he built the New Deal Coalition, which realigned American politics into the Fifth Party System and defined American liberalism throughout the middle third of the 20th century. His third and fourth terms were dominated by World War II, which ended shortly after he died in office. He is rated by scholars as one of the three greatest U.S. presidents, along with George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, but has also been subject to substantial criticism.   Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Okay, I'm just saying bring a little more energy in the second show. That's my energy is fine. You bring more energy. Okay, now you're being defensive heath. Why am I the only one who gets notes between shows? We'll talk about it later. Let's just see what Eli did to the studio. Wait, wait looks normal. It does. Wait. Hey guys, you ready to record? I guess so.

Anything but before we get started, is there anything you want to show us for the, for the FDR episode? Yeah. Nope. Not really just decided to get started. Nothing. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Oh, well, why um, why do you have a blanket on your lap? This? Nothing. I'm just cold. Just cold. Let me see. I like. No! Damn it is. Yep. What did you do to your legs? This nothing just cold just cold let me see

Yep, what did you do to your legs? Okay fine if you must know to get into character for today's show I injected myself with a teeny tiny bit of polio, but like our great president. I am going to ignore it What trust me? It's gonna be fine. The audience won't notice either. Okay, I guess. Where did you get polio? Brooklyn. I can help him but I'm not going to. For those listening in at home Eli crawled on the stage because we've never had a polio joke before. And we're going for all the horrible shit before our career. Sir, brought you up. First, first, first, first, first, first

for everything. Take that Bill Gates' mom. I love how some of you were so positive that you actually had to cut it out. You were like, yeah, oh, no, I'm not. Not a pro polio. Game up early. Hello, and welcome. The citation needed live from the people's improv theater in New York, New York. It is right. Despite what Tom might have told you when he sold you the ticket, this is not Hamilton. We sold a lot of tickets. Yeah, no, we did. So fuck done. It's so right. Instead, no, no, spent it. It's the podcast where we choose to subject read a single article about on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet end. That's how

it works now. I'm no illusions. I'll be presiding over this episode, but I have to fill out my cabinet, of course. First up, I've got a man who says he's qualified to be Secretary of Veterans Affairs because he fucked a married soldier once. And a man who says he's qualified to be the secretary of the interior because his mom wouldn't let him play outside Heath and Eli Okay, but to be fair I was married to that soldier. Well, right. No, you are you we did have sex once. Thank you It's true Once in the married that's right. I've had sex with a woman, crushed it.

Yeah, I've been meaning to tell you, you gotta stop asking them if you won or not when you're done. That's a really problem. I did win though. No, if you win, you have sex twice. Different scoreboard. All right. So also joining us tonight, a man who says he's qualified to be Secretary of State because

he lives in one of those. And a man I tap to be Secretary of Agriculture based on all the shit growing in his facial hair, Tom and Cecil. Isn't this Secretary the one that you pet on the ass on her way to getting you coffee? How would you live in a Secretary that doesn't even make sense? I'm gonna share it up a little, I'm gonna share it up a little, a adorable joke. My beard is like a small farm and even has a goatee. Oh.

Oh. Who knows at home we have shit-tits signs. So yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Ha ha. All right. Now before we get started, I want to thank all the fine folks here at the People's Improv Theatre who works so hard tonight to make our audience drunk. Thank you guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Of course, I want to thank all of you for showing up to see us live.

Yeah. And we like you people a lot better than the ones listening at home. Ha ha ha. Except the patrons. We also like the patrons a lot, but we like the patrons who ha ha. Except the patrons. We also like to patrons a lot, but we like to patrons who are here more than the patrons. Who are? That's what.

Like those patrons more. No more. Yes. All right, so that out of the way, tell us, see, so what person-placed thing concept phenomenon or event will we be talking about today? Today, no, we are going to be talking about FDR and E-Li. What does FDR stand for?

It is a, that's actually in the app. So far so good. Sure, now you don't scream shit out. Okay. Okay. FDR. Fred Drake. No.

Nope. Nope. Nope. And Tom. You looked at the pictures. That's right, Douglas Roosevelt. I like that. That's the first cast like us doing Frederick Douglass.

That's what she did. He's getting a lot of the credibility he's due now. No, no, no, he's doing some good work now. All right, so Tom, you looked at the pictures on this article. Are you ready to tell us about FDR? I am. No, don't get up.

He wouldn't have. It's fine. Oh, there's gonna be a lot of those artisans. Yeah, it's funny because he's, okay. All right. So for the sake of those on stage that literally did not know what those letters stood for when we recorded the skits.

Tell us Tom, who is FDR? All right, well Franklin Delano Roosevelt is best known as the four term president of the United States, who led America through the horror of the Second World War and made a couple of very fine deals. How personally I think of him as a man who's several mansions were only marginally nicer than my own. When I think of we celebrate a place like New York,

when we're not talking about the garbage strike of 1911 or the garbage strike of 1968 or the garbage strike of 1981 or the garbage strike of nineteen sixty eight or the garbage strike of nineteen eighty one or the garbage strike of two thousand six or what from the present smell of the city i can only assume must be the presence and ongoing garbage strike right right yes care for that

i think it be who's us to squint through our watering eyes and look at some of new New York's most iconic figures Boo, boo this man, boo Boo, boo And YC, and YC Yes No, no, no, no, no What?

Sorry, too loud, too loud, Way too loud, way too loud. And incredibly close. That's excellent. Nice, that's excellent. Oh no, oh no. That was a Pete Davidson joke. Wow, amazing. I ask you, what figure stands taller?

What figure rises up above the fray? Oh come on. What figure steps more boldly forward as a visionary leader whose triumphs and accomplishments will go down in history as having not only saved America itself from existential peril, but whose lessons have since been fully and profoundly ignored more than Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Um, Abe Lincoln, Barack Obama. All right. Greta Tunberg. Yeah. He's, I, I feel like he wants you to say him.

Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom. Bring it on. I love this song. Kinda weakens the NYC chant doesn't. To you. You guys did the 9-11 chant, you have to do every fucking chant, make them up with. All right, Born in 1882 at Hyde Park, New York, to James Roosevelt, and Sarah, and Delano. Franklin was fucking rich. Like. Let's just go ahead and

get that one out of the way early. He was spectacularly crazily, wildly rich. His family came from money, just generations of it. I'm both his mother's side and his father's side. The Roosevelt's were wealthy merchants and landowners. The Delano's were rich merchants and shipbuilders. And Franklin grew up the kind of kid who played polo, you know, like the kind of kid who no polo. Later, we had jump ahead. He was the kind of kid who like learned things like how to rob it and ruin shoot and play long tennis, you know, like, you know, when you're driving past the nice high school and it's about 3.30 and all those rich kids clogged the street and their BMWs that their parents bought

them. Franklin was richer than those obnoxious fuckers. His 16th birthday present was a sale book. Oh, Jesus. Who FDR? Boo. Then he throws his spoiled kid tantrum. Mom, I wanted a steamboat. It makes hard eye contact with mom just like throws a mallatop cocktail onto the boat.

Fuck you mom, fuck you. Hope you get polio. All right, so in case you- Robbing you. You're right now. So in case any of you guys are still laboring under the delusion. That is not how you get polio. You can get polio that way. Zero percent chance.

In case you're still laboring under the delusion that everyone is equal and gosh, we all have the same opportunities. I want you guys to raise your hands if this sounds familiar, if this sounds like your life. So, FDR was primarily schooled by a host of private tutors, except when he was nine, and he spent a year in public school in Germany, was no problem since he was conversant in French and German from his frequent trips abroad. When he was 14, he went off to boarding school.

Before he of course went to Harvard, where he received his BA in history before entering Columbia law, where he didn't bother finishing, because instead he just passed the bar three years later in 1907 and didn't bother to graduate. So zero hands. Zero hands.

Ah, zero hands, well, nope, no Harvard 1904 alums here. It's a night, okay. Zero hands. Ah, zero hands. Well, no Harvard 1904 alums here at tonight. Oh, okay. All right. That's weird. Well, Tom, you sound a bit bitter. So if it's any consolation, you whip his ass in a race. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Not on his rascal, though.

No. No. He soups that thing up. You can put a nitrous in him. Yeah. Yeah. He's powered. I can't wait to be old. That'd be the best sequel to Fast and Fury.

It's got like a raccoon skull on the front of it, you know? So while he was in school, FDR's cousin, Theodore Roosevelt became president, which FDR found terribly inspiring after all if one Roosevelt could do it, well, by gum, maybe any old Roosevelt could. Yeah, if you changed the last name, that was Jeb Bush's campaign slogan. Yeah, it was.

And George W's fucking life slogan. Yeah, it was. All right, in 1902, he met and he began to pursue Eleanor Roosevelt. Now, you might have noticed that she was already a Roosevelt. So you might be having some weird thoughts right now about your porn hub search history, but Eleanor was FDR's fifth cousin once removed. So genetically, like pretty much not much more related than Ken Ham and that gorilla that new sign language.

That's pretty fucking related. That's pretty, right? Yeah, that's too close. Since they were unlikely to have babies with Aquaman toes, they decided to get hitched in 1905. Still not great though. When your poly relationship is short for polydactyl, it's not a good sign.

Don't be like the Dugor family in any way. Yeah. 18 fingers and counting. A few interesting notes. Franklin's father was at the time of their marriage dead. So was Eleanor's father though, she was able to get her uncle who was then president Teddy Roosevelt to stand in for him. So you know, upgrade.

Franklin's mother, Sarah, was not a fan of Franklin getting married. He tried to break, or she tried to break their engagement. That never worked, so it didn't hear either, and the two were wet and lived together with Sarah, after he has mom, who had opposed their marriage. And they lived in this ridiculously opulent springwood estate, and that's kind of weird on its own. But when the couple had a townhouse built in the city, Sarah built a twin of it to live close by and strangely, Eleanor didn't feel terribly home in either of those homies.

And I just saw this is perfectly clear to Eli's mom. Tom saying that's a bad thing. A bad thing. Well, Eleanor in fact had a rather long list of things that she didn't like, such as raising saying that's a bad thing. A bad thing. Well, Eleanor in fact had a rather long list of things that she didn't like, such as raising children, of which Eleanor said she knew, quote, absolutely nothing about handling or feeding a baby. And so rather than learn it, she outsourced it to the higher health.

And it's easier to do unpleasant things like take care of children if you could just pace someone else to do it. So they had six kids. Please become a patron. That's the, yeah, or or kidnap one of Tom's children. The little one, super cute. I'm just saying,

it's got a nickname. Tom's like, all right, how much ransom for you to keep him though? Yeah, just think. Well, despite having six kids, Eleanor described sex as, quote, an ordeal to be endured. So, would say not a fan, at least not with Franklin. Much more likely was rather more fond

of an openly lesbian woman named Lorraine a Hickhawk. Now, Eleanor never came out as a lesbian, but her super-duper, close companion, Lorena. Well, very much out. Very much her close companion. So... You know, and ordeal, and ordeal to be endured. You know you got to work on your sex game when it's described, like, crossing the Atlantic

and the Maitreau. Right, you say? Jesus, man. A whole new world. Thank you. Compliment. Thank you. My fucking third leg still works, Ellen. I guess you're more into third eyes. That's fine.

Whatever you like. Positive. So FDR and what is almost certainly not an unrelated note began in a fair in 1914 with his wife's social secretary, that was a woman named Lucy Mercer, in 1918, Eleanor discovered love letters in FDR's luggage and she was spectacularly pissed. For her part, Lucy wasn't about to marry a divorcee with a bunch of kids, so I guess that was a tougher sell in 1914, whatever. Anyway, FDGAR's mom wasn't about to let Eleanor and FDR get divorced,

so they stayed unhappily sort of kind of together, though that's only technically accurate. Or, as we would call it today, polyamory. Right. I don't like the cheers. I like the people who got still and quiet and glared at me for that joke. Look to their left, are we laughing at this? Are we laughing at this honey? Are we laughing at this honey?

Are we laughing at this honey? Are we laughing at this honey? I came and saw your burlesque show. I don't know why you're being. So Eleanor moved her own separate home and she devoted herself to social causes, political causes, and her totally platonic lesbian best friend, Lorraine, and to not seeing Franklin. As you do, when Eleanor commits to not being committed, she doesn't commit to that super vogue and hard. In 1941, when FDGAR's health began to fail,

he asked Lorraine to come back and live with him and she was like, hard past, no. Right. Right. For his part, FDR didn't visit Eleanor's apartment until 1944. Okay, but like, I feel like 30 years is pretty progressive as a time frame for a 1944 dude to go visit his wife's lesbian love nest, right?

You guys really like Greek pottery, huh? FDR did, however, visit Lucy again, who was with him the day that he died and with whom he had a lifelong affair. He's also rumored to have had a very brief 20-year affair with his private secretary, Margaret Missy Lehand, and his son referred to the crown princess Martha of Norway as his father's girlfriend. So, probably made some inroads among the Scandinavians. All right.

I have to admit, I was not expecting this essay to include a list of all the mad pussy that FDR was traveling in. So who knew fucking New Yorkers am I right? So while I read just my notes, we'll take a quick break for a little apro bow of nothing. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! coming up and I wanted to see if you weren't busy maybe we could go together. Oh, I hate balls. How's that? Gala Affairs, they're dreadful, but if I have to, what were you thinking? Uh, House Tuesday, my dear. Um, can't do it, I'll be scissoring. You what now? Cutting out patterns with my sewing clubs.

We're making matching pantsuits. Hmm. How about Wednesday then? Hmm, sorry, that's strep on club. Wait, what is it? Uh, it's a brand of horse riding gear husband. We'll talk about our favorites. We compare mounts.

Don't you mean snap on? No, I do not. Okay, how about Thursday? A bearded clam diving. Friday? Taco night. Saturday? Saturday dinner at the Y.

That only leaves Sunday, Eleanor. Hmm, Sunday. Yes, Sunday, I'm becoming president of the United States. Can you make it? No, I'm afraid I'm having lesbian sex with a woman that night. All righty then, enjoy. I sure. My favorite skid ever. Alright, we're back.

When we last left off, Frankie was elbow deep in a princess. Who else did he fuck Tom? I think that pretty much covered it for now. Okay, all right. So despite his education in law, FCR had no interest in pursuing a law practice and he decided to begin his career in politics. His first real bid for power came in 1910 and he decided to seek election for the state Senate, which since he was super fucking rich, he was able to entirely self-fund campaign

by driving around in a car, which few people had or could afford. And he had the quiet support of his cousin Teddy despite being on opposite sides of the aisle. So, shockingly, after you're one that bid for the state assembly. Huh, that's weird. It's almost like being wealthy is some kind of advantage. You should have seen the size of this dude's bootstraps. They were huge and amazing.

Because his legs didn't work. his legs don't work Joe. That's why. In 1913, FDR was appointed assistant secretary of the Navy in exchange for support of Woodrow Wilson. This was rather fortuitous since FDR was kind of savant level obsessed with the Navy. As in, he had a collection of 10,000 naval books, and I love this part. He claims to have read all but one of them. Book that book, liar.

Just that book, an infinite just, the two we couldn't finish. So Roosevelt set off instituting crazy naval reforms, such as a promotion system based on merit, rather than whatever other criteria they had been using in the Navy to get ahead. They used to award ranks for mutual combat, Tom, in the Navy. They used to call it dock fighting. Dock fighting. Actually, now they call it Krav Maga.

Oh, oh! He, he, he, you know who those Krav Maga people hate? Who's that? Colin Kappowera. Oh! Oh! I'm just keeping this up. This is just staying up.

It's just going to be here all week, folks. All right, when World War I broke out in 1914. FDR was on the side of something they called the preparedness movement, which sounds a lot like war seems hard. Let's do stuff to be prepared for it. Like build up our military. So the Wilson administration recognized that the military would come in handy for war. And together they worked on establishing the Council of National Defense and the naval

reserve and in April of 17, Congress declared war on Germany after Germany attacked some US ships and totally promised there was more where that came from. Blah, Blah! Sorry, false flag. It was a false flag. All right, I have to point this one out because I get so sick of fucking hearing it. It was two years between the time that Delusio Tania went down and the time we joined the fucking war.

So America joined the war when all of our banks realized they were fucked if the British couldn't pay back those loans. Let's also end a boat sank. That's okay. So when war broke out, FDR wanted to enlist, but it turns out if you're rich or useful, they don't let you join the military. And it said he was kept on as a assistant secretary of the Navy, where he did a lot of the thinky stuff about how to get the boats, the things they need, and how to get the fighting people on the boats.

And other Navy words, like deployment and logistics, which he probably learned all of, because he read 10,000 Navy books. So 9,990. Almost. I round it up. I read it.000 Navy books. So 9,990. Almost, I round it up. I read it, round it up. Yep. So like unsurprisingly, he was really good at this job.

When the war was over, he helped take a part what wasn't needed, and he refused to dismantle the aviation division, probably thinking that if boat fights were cool, airplane boat fights were fucking awesome. He was right. He was right. He was definitely right. We like literally just invented airplanes at that point.

So it's just a bunch of guys in like a wooden squirrel suit getting slingshot into the sky. The machine gun taped to their back. That was crazy exciting. That was fun to watch. I would 100% watch that. I would watch that. After the war Roosevelt decided to seek the vice presidential nomination. It's not at all clear to me how that worked back then.

But it sounds like maybe in 1920, vice president was a job that people wanted rather than a weird consolation prize offered to tools whose primary function appears to be ribbon cutting at the Super Walmart Grand Opening in second-tier farm towns. Anyway, he lost. And since losing his boring unless you're Germany, he returned to New York and he remembered he was a lawyer so he started doing that for a while. Oh yeah, your fallbacker is a lawyer. What was your safe school this are?

Bowen? Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. Rudy Giuliani is a fucking lawyer. Okay, bear point. Bear point. All right, bear point. This cannot be hard.

Remember when he was America's mayorial? Remember that? Yeah. Sound. Alright, so this is the time when our story when FDR gets sick, like really, really sick. Way more than Eli, actually. A little more than Eli. Lightly.

About the same as Eli so. The poor fucker came down with fever, symmetric ascending paralysis, facial paralysis, just hooping and peeing everywhere. There's a lot like Eli. Numbness and then somehow the opposite of numbness, which is hyperesthesia, which is like everything hurts, and then a descending recovery, since that illness lasted more than 24 hours,

not a hangover. Doctors diagnosed them with polio since that's what all the cool kids were getting and some now believe the symptoms were more closely matched gain, bar syndrome, but since Dr. House wouldn't take the case, we can't be really certain. It wasn't lupus, that's true. It wasn it wasn't Lupus. It wasn't Lupus. It doesn't know what it is. It's never Lupus. Regardless of whatever it was, he was left paralyzed from the waist down. Side note, this was in 1921. He had mad affairs for 20 years, paralyzed from the waist down. You know what FDR was not? Fucking lazy, that's right.

Yeah. was not fucking lazy, that's right. Yeah, it's a work of it. Lazy was about the only thing he wasn't fucking. You know what else he was not? He was not a whiner or a coward. His guys paralyzed, but he wanted to show everybody he was so strong, so he taught himself to walk short distances by wearing iron braces and just swiveling his torso around. And since he was interested in the potential benefits of something called hydrotherapy, he did what anyone would do.

He had lots of money to do it and no interest in self-indulgent pity party bullshit. So he used his inheritance to hire a team of physical therapists. He purchased the merry weather in and established a rehabilitation center in Warm Springs, Georgia. And then he founded the National Foundation for Infantile Paralysis, which eventually led to the development of the polio vaccine. Wow. Nice.

Wow. Yeah. Right? So at some point, Jonas Salk was like, dude, Frankie D, check it out. I invented the polio vaccine. And FDR was like,

oh cool, pretty sure I said cure. I'm so sorry. pretty sure I said cure. That's awesome. Pretty sure I said cure. That's fine, that's great work. That's awesome. I'm really happy for the people who don't have polio. They have it really hard. Awesome.

No, great fucking job. Good day to you, sir. I said good day! Yeah, that was awkward. In 1928, FDR won a landslide victory to become governor of New York, securing the seat by a 1% margin. A still several percent more than Trump got... Fair enough.

Still, you guys should have seen the crowd at the inauguration. It's fucking huge. Alternative facts. There were. Anyway, fired up the radio and FBR began as fireside chats as a way to not only reach its constituents, but to pressure the legislature by making issues and positions public and thereby control the narrative. Ah, fireside chats to fire off tweets.

We've come so far. I'm so far, guys. Yeah, now we have the theory side chats. Yeah. Brought it all down, everybody. That was an awesome joke. In 1929, the Wall Street crash ripped through the American economy. And while Hoover is in administration, adopted a, if you put your head under the blanket, the monsters can't

foreclose on your mortgage approach. Roosevelt advocated for unemployment insurance and established a state employment commission. Or as your uncle calls it, socialism. Yeah. And when Roosevelt ran again for governor, his platform had become much more fully progressive. He was in support of infrastructure projects like hydroelectric dams, aid for farmers, pensions for the elderly. These crazy ideas won him his second term by a 14% margin, but let's not take any lessons

from this. Clearly, the American people want us to not solve their problem. Who the fuck sent me this pension check? I'm not deep detained. By 1932, Hoover had failed to fix anything at all, actually. And so FDR ran for president, again on a platform of hair-brained ideas such as securities regulation and terror reductions and farmer- securities regulation and tear-off reductions and farmer-leaf and government-funded public works projects.

Anyone, all but six states, and this is a weird concept, but I'm also the popular vote on that too. That's cool. Weird. Now, but to be fair though, I'm sure like if he realized that fuck Mexicans would have done the trick, he probably wouldn't have bothered with all that other shit. Yeah, right. We just didn't know the secret yet. There were no Mexicans in the list the trick. A priori wouldn't have bothered with all that other shit. Yeah, right. We just didn't know the secret yet.

There were no Mexicans in the list of people he was fucking earlier. Oh, right. Yeah, wasn't it? But it might not have been an exhaust fuck list. I didn't hate it, Vians. Yeah, I got you. By the end of his second term, by the end of Hoover's term round, the banking system was in full collapse.

And by the time of FDR's inauguration, the great depression was at its worst. Two million people were homeless. Thirty-two of the 48 states had closed down their banks. Immediately, FDR declared a four-day bank holiday and passed the Emergency Banking Act, which gave the president the power to open and close banks and gave to the Federal Reserve the authority to issue bank notes. When the banks reopened the next Monday, stock prices rose 15%, bank deposits exceeded withdrawals, and the bank panic was ended.

The nation needed to celebrate, so the next week, FDR signed the Colon Harris and Act and ended federal prohibition. So pretty good first 18 days. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. I gotta say the gauntlet's thrown though.

The next president has to beat that with UBI and pot legalization in the first 17 days. There you go. There you days. There you go. There you go. Yes. Andrew Yang, no illusions, 2020. Let's do this. Whoa, whoa.

You know what that? Actually, that would work too, because I'm pretty sure I get frustrated enough to strangle that motherfucker early. Right. Right. President's going with the tie. he doesn't wear it fucking to base. Lazy.

All right, so the next step would obviously be to play golf at this point, right? But this was the 1930s, and I think being President used to be a full-time job. Well, also, apparently, he should. Not a lot of golf fair enough that swing into hips swing into hips hilarious skids people can't see it home so instead fdr established the federal emergency relief administration and the public works administration to build big shit like roads and dams and all that stuff and the civil conservation core which put big shit like roads and dams and all that stuff. And the Civil Conservation Corps, which put 250,000 young men to work on rural projects,

and expanded the reconstruction finance corporation to increase funding for railroad and industry. It's the Office of Federal Trade Commission to provide mortgage relief to millions of farmers and homeowners and task the agriculture adjustment administration to subsidize high commodities prices by paying farmers to restrict supply.

Agriculture subsidies folks, because the atrustkins would have been boring. Yeah, you see. I can't do it. I'm getting to find, all right. The people outside have to wonder what the fuck is she all want to do with me? Can they hurry up in there? My one man in Proofshow starts at 11. I will since government has no role in effective governance.

FDR, then say, it's true. FDR, then, said about creating the FDIC, which is why when you put money in the bank, you get to take it back out, even if Jimmy Stewart tries to give it away. Any creative security exchange commission because he probably thought America didn't enjoy the first crash and didn't want it to happen again. So basically, he created the Department of GOP wrangling. That's awesome. wanted to happen again. So basically he created the department of GOP wrangling. That's awesome.

And then we spent the next 85 years dismantling it. Yeah, but it's possible. And by we, we mean your shitty uncle who thinks that we're doing so, so, fuck that guy. Seriously, any day now Mitch McConnell is going to be giving a speech on the Senate floor about like gutting Dodd Frank some more, FDR's gonna drift into that shit in a delorean. What the fuck are you guys doing? What did I just say?

And your boy Trump's gonna get impeached and resigned, suck it. Yeah. Yes. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. That's the timeline I want to live in. All right, so there's more. Get it, Lori. Yeah, if you aren't, it's a Lori. Yeah. There's a stunning, spectacular, crazy amount more of this. There was a Tennessee Valley Authority, which is a single, largest federal infrastructure project in American history.

And then he created Social Security because old people can't work and young people don't want to visit them. It's true. Then he established a work progress administration and under his administration workers won the right to collective bargaining through unions. The country was in crisis

and of his many policies, Roosevelt said this, quote, the country needs and unless I mistake its temper, the country demands bold, persistent experimentation. It is common sense to take a method and to try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another, but above all, try something. Yeah, and then the American people were like, now we're cool to cycle a trickle-down economics and massive deregulation followed by an economic downturn every eight years.

That's what we're hoping for. I wish. Fucking conservative economists acting like they're free market Yoda. It's like, do not, there is no trial. No trial and no doing, just no. It's not nothing. Fuck you, dude, you're a job, you're an economy,

dude, job, It's not nothing I'm so glad one person yet it he's like crowd work economy Right Commonalities of the people Both trusty-ite, but isn't he gonna be about nothing? No fuck you! The sign felt school of economics is not a thing. Absolutely. No. Alright.

Yes. Yes. Well, I've never worn blackface, it's true. That face is like qualifies me. It doesn't disqualify you as the problem. I will Americans like the whole, let's try to fix it approach. And so they elected the shit out of him again in 1936. He won 60% of the popular vote and he won every state except Maine in Vermont.

And it's reasonable to assert that those aren't even real states anyway. Well, and also, I'm pretty sure Bernie already had Vermont locked down by the mid-30s. That's true. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We don't know how to apply.

We've done a bunch of stuff about the Supreme Court happen, but I thought everyone here was having a good time. So I'm going to skip all the Supreme Court stuff since no one in recent memory has said the word Supreme Court and smile. Yeah. But, but, but, but, some people have woken up groggy with their underwear down backwards out of the saying, Supreme Court.

So. Hey, that's, that's not fair. I have a sentence that has Supreme Court in the end that I smile about. No, absolutely not. And I have their ears. No, no, no, I can't edit that. Boy, it's Eli not miving anything right now. You're sure as soon as any visual,

humorous. He heard. Casper mattresses. Pretty good. All those things. All right, but no, if there's one thing we did learn from FDR, we need to pack the court with a couple dozen Cybernetic androids of Ruth Bittergames.

Yes, yes. Yeah, it's possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, now, suits, whatever we come up with. He's got the taste of this fucking applause break shit. No, he's going to be going, RBG soon he's going to be going to the RBG. RBG. RBG.

RBG. Wow. All right, wow. Pretty soon he's going to be, let's hear it for the fucking teachers over here. Let's go Yankees. Let's go Yankees. Did I even know the score? They're playing right now. I've literally gotten to use this live show to watch Heath discover crowd work.

It's my favorite thing in the world. And now it's time for clapping. You guys don't fuck this up for me. They clap when I say fucking clapin' I got four years to college to get approval from Alright I am not a disappointment to my dad I am the... All right.

No, you're not. After you're expanded the national park and national forest system, and during this terrible reign of socialist terror, park attendants went from 3 million a year to 15 and a half million a year, and then the dirty socialist working for the CCC planted 2 billion stupid trees that no one wants and 3,000 miles of trails and thousands of miles of roads and of course all of this came with a terrible price government spending rose from 8% to the GDP to 10.2% and

The national debt doubled from what it was under Hoover, a nightmare scenario only booed by an economy that grew 58%. Jesus fuck! From 1932 to 1940, unemployment when FDR took office was 23.5%. And his crazy policies only dropped that number 10% by 1940. So a hellish dystopian nightmare if ever there was one. Yeah, there was basically no incentive to be rich at that point, other than being rich. Yeah. Okay.

Scrooge McDuck was just sadly sitting on his diving board. That was why even bother in Scrooge McDuck for this. That's not even Scrooge McDuck's voice that's Donald but yeah They why even bad Was that huge McDuck I've only seen pictures of Scrooge McDuck so I figure I've only seen pictures of Spruce McDougso, I figure. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha. Ha, ha.

All right. Well since his first two terms were marred by the scandal of success, FDR ran four and one two more terms, though the threat and then actuality of a minor skirmish in Europe and Asia may have had something to do with that. Ugh, sequels. Ha, ha, ha, ha. and Asia may have had something to do with that. Sequals. You just get anybody make an original war anymore. So by 1940, it seemed prudent to begin to expand and re-equip the army and the Navy and just about anyone that might want a tanker or boat full of guns and could wave an American

flag around. So FDR began the lend lease program, which basically meant that anyone on the allied side of the conflict, that we were totally not going to get into, well, they could borrow a bunch of money from military aid and then not pay it back ever, no problem. Yeah, we didn't do lend lease with aircraft, though. That was a different program. Mayday loans. That's what we do. Mayday loans. Mayday, something they say on a plane. Made it.

Alright, at this point guys things get complicated, but FDR also threw up a great big middle finger to Japan and he cut off their oil supply and then declared that the Philippine army was now under his command just in case he's. That's the best. Right? Mine, I call that. I call it, you guys should have called it. At Japan was super pissed about this.

So they flew a bunch of their planes to Pearl Harbor where we had like parallel parked our whole fucking Navy in the East Coast. And then like painted the tops of everything with big axes. So, you know, we declared war on Japan and Japan had a, my enemies, our your enemies ruled with Germany in Italy and now we were fully in this shit.

It would be a Dan Carlin length thing to go into the whole World War II story here, so the theater is going to kick us out at some point. Let's hit a few high points. FDR formed this new thing. He was calling the joint chiefs of staff to make the military decisions. And for the most part, FDR didn't try to play risk with the world. He let the killi guys make the murder decisions, because sometimes you need to know you don't know anything, although he did recognize it would be a really good idea to get nuclear weapons before Hitler

So we also greenlit that project. So you mean he's also basically directly responsible for nuclear weaponry guys this guy is awesome I was faking our new fan we got a new fan up here So after you ran again in 1941 with Harry Truman as his running mate. And if you're ever like, ah, who cares who the VP pick is? Read a fucking book, because this really matters. Yeah. On April 12, 1945, FDR announced that he had a terrible headache, and he wasn't faking it because then he flopped over and died.

And since his health problems were kept from the American people, the nation was shocked, although if you see a picture of him at the end, you wouldn't be. He's about to die. He's like, Eleanor, come here. I got last words. This could be awesome. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself and polio, I guess. At polio, add that to my thing. And if we're ranking in polio and then fear itself. So the war ended one month after FDR died. So all that Lausie Socialists did for America was established basically every regulatory body and commission you rely on every day, save the American economy, empower the American

working class and guide America through an existential military threat all while paralyzed and still having time for like five affairs. Wow. Yeah, no shit. A lot of pro adultery of the Saudi and federal affairs. Yeah. Yeah, none of you get to be president of American atheists. None of you get to be president of American atheists. Oh, all right. Jesus. One of you.

It's okay. All right, so Tom, if you had to summarize everything you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? I'm lazier than I ever thought possible. I just, I knew you could do it, Tom. I did too. All right, so are you ready for the quiz? Let's start a fire and chat, no one.

All right Tom, I'm gonna go first here. As mentioned earlier, FDR was a prodigious reader. What was his favorite book? A, The Man in the Iron Wung. B, terms of internment. We kind of fucking skipped right over that. By the way, fucking stone we skipped over that. C, The Old Man in the FDIC.

Anything by Edgar Allan Polio. Oh. Oh. Oh. I have so many options with D. I have so many options with D. I'm gonna have to go with anything by Edgar Allan Polio. It's a nightmare. Never more, obviously.

All right, Tom, which of the following was the best secret service code name they gave FDR over the years? A, first chair. B, frail to the chief. C, rickets red glare. Or D, ramp David. Oh, damn David. Okay, so I'm gonna have to go with the frail to the chip. No, first chair, I think he played the flute, first chair.

I can picture it. Did you get it, correct? Yeah. No one knows how to give matters. Nobody knows. All right. Tom, FDR was notorious for having an amazing sense of humor about polio jokes, just so everybody knows.

With that firmly established, that is locked in. Which of the following was the title that FDR wanted for his autobiography? Uh-oh. Was it A a lame duck? For 12 years. Was it be the CCC ripple effects? Oh, no. I'm gonna live in this one. CCC ripple of, nope, okay. See, my ideas have legs. What? Or D, new deals on wheels. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I think the crowd answered that one. It's the CCC ripple effect.

Incorrect. Actually correct, because for some reason, this time Cecil is our winner. Thank you, Noah. Why don't you do the next essay? Let's do it that way. I thought that meant you had to do the next essay. Okay. All right.

Well, then I got a lot of fucking writing to do during this intermission. So for Cecil Eli, Heath and Tom, I'm no one thank any for hanging out with us today. We're gonna be back next week and or after the intermission depending on where you are in space time. And by then, I will be an expert on something else between now and then you should drink more in case my essay sucks. Yeah.

And if you'd like to get in touch with us, I will give you Eli's cell phone number if you will buy Heath a drink. Yes. Or check out citationpot.com. Alright. Thank you.