Citation Needed - Guy Fawkes

Episode Date: March 18, 2026

Guy Fawkes (/fɔːks/; 13 April 1570 – 31 January 1606),[a] also known as Guido Fawkes while fighting for the Spanish, was a member of a group of provincial English Catholics involved in the failed Gunpowder Plot of 1605. He was born and educated in York; his father died when Fawkes was eight years old, after which his mother married a recusant Catholic. Fawkes converted to Catholicism and left for mainland Europe, where he fought for Catholic Spain in the Eighty Years' War against Protestant Dutch reformers in the Low Countries. He travelled to Spain to seek support for a Catholic rebellion in England without success. He later met Thomas Wintour, with whom he returned to England. Wintour introduced him to Robert Catesby, who planned to assassinate King James I and restore a Catholic monarch to the throne. The plotters leased an undercroft beneath the House of Lords; Fawkes was placed in charge of the gunpowder that they stockpiled there. The authorities were prompted by an anonymous letter to search Westminster Palace during the early hours of 5 November, and they found Fawkes guarding the explosives. He was questioned and tortured over the next few days and confessed to wanting to blow up the House of Lords.

This podcast is sponsored by IQ Bar. I've got good news and bad news. Here's the bad news. Most protein bars are packed with sugar and unpronounceable ingredients. The good news? There's a better option. I'm Will and I created IQ bar plant protein bars to empower doers like you with clean, delicious, low-sugar brain and body fuel.

IQ bars are packed with 12 grams of protein, brain nutrients like magnesium and lions main, and zero weird stuff. And right now, you can get 20% off all. all IQ bar products, plus free shipping. Try our delicious IQ bar sampler pack with seven plant protein bars, four hydration mixes, and four enhanced coffee sticks. Clean ingredients, amazing taste, and you'll love how you feel. Refuel smarter, hydrate harder, caffeinate larger with IQ bar.

Go to eat IQbar.com and enter code bar 20 to get 20% off all IQ bar products plus free shipping. Again, go to eat IQbar.com and enter code bar 20. Hello and welcome. Citation needed, podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Heath, and I'll be hosting this discussion of a very important guy. And I'm joined by a rye guy, a dry guy, a spy guy, and a kids' tempstoy, chai guy. This is the Tom Marsh and Eli.

Rye humor is still humor, I will point out. A dry guy is the Shapiro in the room with us right now? Well, I'm from the north of England. I've not been dry since our last non-rainy day. And that was in 1995. It was a Tuesday. Marsh had been drinking for a while. Yeah, and to be fair, that was only because Margaret Thatcher went outside,

and it's literally impossible to get her wet. So they just... All right. Let's get into it. Tom, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event? We're going to be talking about today. Today we are going to America explain to Marsh, Guy Fox, and the gunpowder plot. Excellent. And how does that relate to 9-11?

Because they both deserved it, Heath. Jesus Christ, it. Tom, 9-11? After 9-11, I don't know if this is any better. I don't know if this is any better. It's not. After 9-11, American politicians and talking has exhorted all good Americans to never forget, presumably because keeping the trauma and horror of that day emotionally alive would make it easier

for politicians to manipulate us into supporting whatever illegal wars and erosions of our civil rights made the right people more money. Yeah, turns out they didn't need any of that shit. Could have left the theramen at home. Not phermin. What's the stuff that they melted the beam? I think it's thermite. Let's go with thermite. Aha, I knew it.

He better if it was a pheromint. It's the way better. He's so much better. The phermin doesn't burn that hot. It doesn't even make sense. You're using it wrong. Just saying March new thermite pretty fast. I've had a lot of conversation with 9-11 truth as Eli.

Probably even more than you have and you were one. Yeah, that's true. It's not my most self-reflective period. Oh, God. Yep, were. Uh-huh. So as not cash money as all that may be, Today's story at least reminds us that at least America didn't pass an actual never-forget law requiring a nationwide celebration of an attack that didn't even actually happen.

Can't help but notice you waited until Marsh was here to say that 9-11 happened to Heath and I. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting timing. Changing the odds. Reinforcement suspect. Exactly. Yeah. Tom was out of work that day. Wasn't it? I'm never out of work. But that's exactly what the good people of England did in 1606 following the foiling of the gunpowder plot, a law which would stay on the books in England for 250 years in which today is still celebrated as bonfire night. So if you ever wondered how a family holiday sent around burning effigies of a condemned man came to pass, wonder no more. This could have been us, America.

This could have been January 6 for us. Just remember that a little John Eastman in the fire would have been a man. Amazing. Never forget, Cecil. To understand the gunpowder plot, we have to set the religious, political, and cultural stage a little bit first. If you'll recall from pop culture songs and musicals, England had for its king from 1509 to 1547 Henry the 8th, who had some rather unorthodox views on wives, beheadings, estrangements, divorce, and church. So given our current president in America, I think now you'd just call him before his time, right? visionary, yeah.

Now, between 1532 and 1540, old Henry took control to English church away from Rome and instead declared that England was now religiously part of the newly created and just for him Church of England.

And the Church of England was a Protestant church because, obviously, it was. And if there's anything that religious people of all faiths hate more than anything else, it's their same faith just in a different font.

Yeah, bringing up fonts around Catholics, it's still a bit of a sore spot ever since those Church of England heathens started worshiping God without dipping their fingers in the communal church washball first. Are you too good to dabble your fingers in the same water that the entire village

has had their hands in? Laudidae da. Yeah, if you keep having deaths from like Oregon Trail with like dysentery, maybe you're not doing the god thing. Quite right. That's happening in America now, a semi-regular basis.

That font with shit-knit thing. If you were in English Catholic, you might yourself feel somewhat aggrieved to find out that you were no longer allowed to be Catholic, just because the king wanted to bone someone new. But you were certainly even more aggrieved when Queen Elizabeth the first came into power and introduced the Elizabethan religious settlement, which forced everyone in public servants to swear allegiance to Elizabeth, not just as the sovereign ruler of the nation,

but also as the head of the church. And anyone who objected to this new requirement would face fines, an imprisonment, and sometimes executions. Many Catholics thought that was a huge bummer. Yeah, but the jokes on the Protestants, because now they've got Charles Windsor as their official conduit to their almighty,

like, I literally would rather be executed. And as we learn from, you know, those files, Marsh is more of an Andrew Windsor guy. Okay. It's the company he keeps. Oof. Queen Elizabeth never married and never had any children. And she also refused to name an heir,

which just seems wildly irresponsible, but probably no one wanted to say anything about it and risked being tortured and killed. So when Elizabeth started to decline, there was a whole bunch of boring English succession drama nonsense that only people who watch period dramas on Masterpiece Theater could care about. But there was also a bunch of maneuvering by papists and Protestants,

and nobody was really sure what direction the country was going to head in. Things were tense, and also everyone smelled just fucking terrible all the time. And then she gave birth to Jill Stein in protest. Marsh was in the Epstein files. That's just so everybody knows. Not for like bad stuff, but he was in him. He was in him.

Thank you. I was just leaving it to hang. Just leaving it to hang. Just in case anyone's new, just helping you out there. I hope it's someone's first episode and they hate us. Oh, don't worry, Eli. They do. Leave not to hang just like Epstein. Allegedly.

Marsh did it himself. He's like, I want everyone to know what a narc I am. Despite all the Sturm and Drang, power passed rather seamlessly to King James the 6th of Scotland, and pretty much everyone relaxed for a minute. The papists were pretty chill with it. Priests who were doing their incense, swinging, kid molesting, in secret were generally pretty okay with James. And for his part, James pretty swiftly ordered a ceasefire in the war that they had been fighting with Spain. And James offered the people a family line with a clear line of succession, so tensions seemed to be falling. And James also seemed to

understand that chaos and bloodshed, particularly over minor sects, nonsense was pretty fucking stupid. Thus proving he was from Edinburgh and not Glasgow, then. He declared that he would not, quote, prosecute any that will be quiet and give an outward obedience to the law. And he was less inclined toward capital punishment that his predecessors, preferring instead exile for those who offended English laws and sensibilities. Quote, I would be glad to have both their heads and bodies separated from this whole island and transported beyond the seas. So if you were Catholic now, you were starting to feel like maybe things were going to be okay. And perhaps soon you would be able to eat your flesh crackers and drink your blood wine in the light of day again. Okay, yeah, but this is England.

So the three to four hours of daylight that we get for half of the year. And in England, flesh crackers are a delicacy compared to mushy peas and overcooked eggs too. We have to remember that. A lot more flavor. Except, no, no. See, James was more tolerance than his predecessors, but that was a really low bar. And really, James wasn't that interested in ending the persecution of the Catholics, and the Catholics were starting to get itchy about the whole thing. Now, in what became known as the buy plot, a couple of priests hatched a plan to kidnap James and imprison him in the Tower of London until he promised to be nicer.

Oh, okay, I thought the by plot was the hint of gay storyline that a series throws in in order to patronize their queer fanbush. Yes. Looking at you, care bears. Now, if you're wondering how that was supposed to work, so was literally everyone who heard about this nonsense. And the plot was foiled before it could really begin. And then there was the main plot, which involved removing James and his family from power, and then installing James' cousin, who would be presumably more sympathetic to the Papist cause. Now, that plan relied on financial support from Spain, but Spain had just, just stopped being at war with England,

and they were not too keen on getting involved in all this drama, so they hard passed. Anyway, that plot failed, too. Guys, we got to stop naming our plots with the word plot. I think that's what's true. And they're like, that sounds suspicious. Now, all the plotters were, of course, arrested and tried for treason, primarily because that shit is actually treason.

Unlike posting an unflattering interview on 60 minutes or whatever the fuck we're calling treason in America now. Anyway, all the conspirators were due to be executed. Okay. Let's stop there for a second. Think about it. Take it in. Think about it.

Okay. Go ahead, Tom. All right, but James did not want to start. Wait, take it in some more. I'm backing into it. I'm backing into it. Okay. Wait, give me a second. To finish. Very quiet.

Very quiet. quiet, subtle. Like a ninja but James did not want to start his rule on such a bloody note. And he pardoned a few of them while they were contemplating the length of the drop at the top of the hangman's scaffold. Not the priests though.

They were beaten all the shit and executed very publicly. Now, as you might imagine, all the attempted murdering really made James a big grouch about the whole thing and he ordered all Jesuits and Catholic priests to leave the country and he reimposed fines for people that did not go to church. And it was not by accident that those fines were levied mostly against wealthy Catholics, and that James gave authority to collect those fines to a bunch

of his Scottish buddies. And also, the fines were huge. Now, there's a bunch of amounts in the wiki, but the gist of it was that the whole system was set up to be as onerous, one-sided, and punitive as possible. It had become abundantly clear to everyone that James was not going to usher in a new era of peace and tolerance for England's. Catholics. The country was a tinderbox and all the pieces were in place for the gunpowder plot to take shape. What about gunpowder project? Like a band? Like a fusion band? Damn. Guys, give it some thought. Gunpowder experience? Yeah. Oh, I like that. Gunpowder experience. Gunpowder incident? Yeah, something like that. Anyway, well, you guys think about it.

We'll see how it goes after a quick break. And in the north, your majesty. on the Rockington Estate, but see that their lands are still awarded to Duke Heavenshire over in King Lord... Excuse me, brother. Yes, James, what is it? I'm so terribly sorry

to bother you, but I was hoping it might be my turn to be king. Oh my, oh really, James. Only, you know, if it's not too much of a bother. Honestly, it's not the best time. Ah, I see. Um,

Tuesday, perhaps? Tuesday is better. Still not great, though. Okay, perhaps now, then. Oh, yes, honestly, if it's going to happen, let's keep it out of the way before the weekend. I am deposed and you're the king now. Thank you ever so much.

Your Highness, what about India? Oh, genocide the whole continent, I should expect. Very good, sir, right away. And then we're going to the park. Oh, whoa, whoa. Of course we can get ice cream, buddy. Hey, Heath. Whoa, what, what is that?

Oh, this? It's my money. Uh, why is it moving and stuff? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Money doesn't do that. We brought it to life so I could keep an eye on it. Tired of big wireless sneaking you away, aren't I, a little buddy?

Oh, oh, whoa. Well, Heath, if you're tired of big wireless sticking their hand in your pocket, Okay, why do you try MintMobil? Oh, oh. Bad, bad money, buddy. No stealing points. I'm, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lashed out.

No, that's true, I do. MintMobil is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans, starting at 15 bucks a month. Plus, all plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered to the nation's largest 5G network. Well, I don't know, Tom, do I need to change my number? No, you do not.

Bring your phone and number. Activate with ESIM in minutes and start saving immediately. No long-term contracts, no hassle. I sure have tried it, money, buddy. I switched over to MintMobil when they first became a sponsor. I love that I get the same great service as my old contract with big wireless at a fraction of the price. That's why I, Tom Curry, personally endorse MintMobile.

All right, guys, I'm sold. Where do I sign up? If you like your money, MintMobile is. for you. Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash citation. That's mintmobile.com slash citation. Up front payment of $45 for three-month five-gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month, new customer offer for first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra, see MintMobile for details. You hear that money, buddy? Looks like you'll be around for a nice long time. Because we can't afford to go out all the time, okay?

No, it's got nothing to do with how much I love you. Nothing. Hey, Noah, what's going on with Heath and Money Buddy there? I don't know. They've been fighting a lot lately. I think Money Buddy is used to a lifestyle that Heath can't really afford. Fancy dinners, Broadway shows, it all adds up. Here we go again. You know, if you want to eat good, save some money, they should try Factor. What's Factor?

Factor makes healthy eating easy with fully prepared meals designed by dieticians and crafted by chefs. So eat well without the planning or cooking. I do fight about that stuff a lot. You're throwing stuff now? What is wrong with? I am listening to you. Factor's 100 rotating weekly meal plans

to keep things fresh and delicious through winter, options include high-protein, Calorie Smart, Mediterranean diet, GLP1 support, and ready to eat salads. But have you actually tried it? I sure have. Factor sent us a box to try when they first became a sponsor. And I absolutely love that they... Oh, it's just always got to come back to my mother, doesn't it?

What about your mother? I love that there... No, I didn't say that I didn't like your mother. Why are you the only one who ever gets to bring up family? It's ridiculous. I love that their delicious meals are ready to heat and eat in less than two minutes. That's why I, Cecil, something Italian, endorse Factor. All right, Cecil, I'm sold.

Where do I sign up? No, go ahead and throw things. You've already destroyed my life. Head over to FactorMeals.com slash citation 50 off and use your code Citation 50 off to get 50% off and free breakfast for a year. Eat like a pro this month with Factor. New subscribers only varies by plan. One free breakfast item per box for one year while subscription is active. This isn't who we are.

Oh, well, it isn't who I want to be. I hate this. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Last year, I went through many different life changes. I needed to take a pause and examine how I was feeling in the inside to better show up for the ones who need me to be my best version of myself. When you're navigating life's changes, Talkspace can help.

Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatry providers that you can access anytime, anywhere. Living a busy life, navigating a long-distance relationship, becoming a first stepfather, Talkspace made all of those journeys possible.

I could speak with my therapist in the office. I could speak of my therapist in the comfort of my home. I was never alone. Talkspace, works with most major insurers and most insured members have a $0.00 co-pay. No insurance, no problem. Now, get $80 off your first month with promo code space 80 when you go to talkspace.com.

Match with a licensed therapist today at talkspace.com. Save $80 with code space 80 at talkspace.com. And we're back. When we left off, somebody was proposing the blam-blam dust shenanigan, and they got yelled at for that awesome idea. Okay. So instead, it's time for the gunpowder plot, which sounds very suspicious. But can we call our band Blam, blam.

We sure can. All right, so you have to hand it to the conspirators of the gunpowder plot for their ambition. The primary aim of the plot was to kill King James. And also pretty much all of James's family and also the entirety of the English Parliament and the judges. and the rest of the aristocracy and the bishops of the Church of England and as also sort of a non-gunpowder-related side quest, they were going to kid

James's daughter, Elizabeth, who was a young kid that they figured they could install as like puppet ruler and control the country through her. Well, when she was blasted into the sky, there was going to be one guy with a big catcher's mitt ready to grab her. I got it. I got it.

Imagine how bad your political system would have to be that you'd think killing the leader of your country his whole family, the representative houses, and the judiciary was a good idea. Give me a second. Just give me a second. We weren't.

And he's finished again. The Chief Architect of the plot. That's my blam-blam shenanigan, if you know what I'm saying. The chief architect of the plot was not Guy Fox. Everyone thinks that he was, but that's just because reading is boring. The plot was instead inspired by Robert Kempark. Catesby, who was described in the wiki by someone who had clearly doodled his name all over her English composition notebook with Little Hearts as, quote, a man of ancient, historic, and distinguished lineage, a good-looking man, about six feet tall, athletic, and a good swordsman.

Now, Catesby was no stranger to danger and violence having taken part in something called the Essex Rebellion, which was pretty much what it sounds like. It was an attempted rebellion to overthrow Queen Elizabeth. Right, but presumably while wearing a lot of fake tan, you know, bleach white teeth, overly skinny jeans. Essex is basically the New Jersey of England. Yeah, this guy went full monk mode, legit, muted up real hard, got that jawline halo going. Optimized the whole phenostap for reels. SMV plus three, Minzi with that V-Taper, right? V-Taper, straight up mugging those Betabucks Protestant.

My God. Jesus Christ. What is the wrong is happening? I insist on lobotomizing myself until I don't understand any of what he'd said. I want to keep scooping until none of the words. There will be a clavicular episode. Looks maxing.

I mean, I'm not sure. No. Now, for some reason, and it was probably because he was Rebellion McDreamy, he was allowed to just pay a fine and was let go. Now, he immediately tried to fuck shit up some more as soon as he got let go.

booge it over to Spain and he tried to get King Philip to launch an invasion of England, promising that if he did, the Catholics already in England would rise up and kick an ass or two. King Philip declined because that is not a real plan. And even the Pope at the time was like, nah. You invade England first and then we'll back you up. He's gone. He's gone. Okay. He's an idiot. So what is important to know here is that Catesby was not some heretofore unknown quantity,

hatching a plat just out of nowhere. This guy was hell-bent on reestablishing Catholic supremacy in England, and he very clearly was comfortable with whatever level of violence was necessary to make their God happy by extolling his spurious virtues in Latin rather than English.

Now, Catesby knew he was going to need some help if he was going to kill absolutely positively every motherfucker in the room, and so he said about recruiting. Oh, yeah, he's just putting a gun to someone's head. Tell me again that the crack of things is purely symbolic and not literal. I dare you.

I double dog, dare you, motherfucker. Do the Sam Jackson voice. You're already in the upstairs class. He takes the cracker out of his hand and takes a bite out of it and gives the right back. Big drink of the wine out of his straw. His first recruit was a guy named Thomas Wintour.

A Wintour had fought in the Netherlands. He spoke several language and had an axe to grind. After his uncle was executed, for being a priest. And also joining his rag-tag band of misfits was John Wright, known as being one of the best swordsmen of his day, and who had also assisted Catesby in the failed Essex rebellion. And then there was Guy Fawkes, who had also served as a soldier fighting in the Netherlands, and who had also been a delegate in the attempt to convince the Spanish king to invade. And again, these guys, they were not sleep or sell lone wolf types. Oh, and also Thomas

Percy was added to their team. Okay, we're all just leaving a... gap here for Eli to do a voice, right? Oh, so I can do a voice. I see how you roll, Marshall. Okay. Oh, excuse me. Did I break your confirmation? Sorry, that's meeting Sam Jackson. Now that's the Catholics. That was excellent. That was excellent.

An England communion is a royale with cheese. The five all met together for the first time at the almost impossibly Englishly named Duck and Drake in. and the five men sworn oath of secrecy on a prayer book, and then they went into the next room where a secret Catholic mass was being held, so they, like, double-bless their murderous plot, and the game was afoot.

There's a velvet rope blocking off a door to a Gregorian chant rave that's happening in the back room. Yeah, there's a hand-drawn note on the door saying, reserved from 1600, but it's the year and not the time. All right, except they needed to fuck this thing up, which they did almost immediately by adding more conspirators. Parliament was not going to be meeting for a while because, and I am not making this up,

London was too fucking gross to be in during the summer if you were rich. See, London in the summer was full of disease and plague and poor people. And so all the rich and powerful weren't planning to convene a full meeting of all the everyone until February when the fleas were hibernating or whatever. And this meant that there was time to recruit because everyone knows the more people that know about your evil secret murder plan, the safer and more likely it will be to succeed. Okay. Secret murder plot opportunity, flexible hours.

That's good. Do blood oath and tear off a tab to inquire. I'm going to be glad about this. This is great. As the Percy had the connects, and he ended up getting named to the band of gentlemen pensioners. It's a mounted troop of 50 bodyguards to the king, which was a pretty sweet gig to get if you wanted to kill that.

King. Okay, but I feel like this is on the king. Like, if you're not going to hire bodyguards below retirement age, that's on you. He's fully protected until all of his men are getting dinner at 4.30 p.m. to take advantage of the early bird special. And this also gave Percy an excuse to get a house in London, which he did. And Guy Fawkes, now going by the rather uninspired pseudonym, John Johnson. Crushing him. Come on. Just take five more seconds to do your lie. Come on. He took charge of the building, posing as Percy's servant.

And this would also give them a place to store the gunpowder that they were going to need for their gunpowder plot. Oh, we're going to keep it. And I'm just going to be like, with all the gun. I hate being the new guy. But then, then the wiki just says this, quote, The conspirators returned to London in October 1604 when Robert Keyes, a decedent. man, ruined and indebted, was admitted to the group, end quote. Now, remember, the other five guys were all soldier mixed steamies and swordsmen and

made men and the king's employ. And then for some reason, they just let this fucking rando sit at their lunch table. Okay, well, sometimes that guy ends up being the heart and soul of the blam-blam dust shenanagan, Tom. A lot of characters. Ake's wife, however, she was employed by a Catholic named Lord Morton. who is also described like he's in a bodice ripper more than a plot to bomb the king, with Wikipedia breathlessly describing him as, quote,

Hall with a red beard, trustworthy, capable of looking after himself. Nice. So he was now in on the plot. And then Catesby added his servant, Thomas Bates, to the team, after Bates overheard Catesby talking. So the secrecy part of this plot was just going great. You got to stop yelling about our secret murder plot. We're on a public street right now.

and we're at wait, wait, kids, Kit, pack of orphans. I saw you react to that as you walk past. You come back, come back, you're all, fuck, you're all in a murder plot now, you should just be cool about it. Yeah, and those three horses and the fox behind the bins, you're all in as well, yeah.

Can we change the name from murder? No, we're not changing it. Maybe blam, blam, damn, and then. Okay, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. I like that. We should park that way. Parliament was, however, delayed again from meeting due to plague, which gave the Super Secret Society of Papist bomb makers time to add

three more fucking men to their hush, hush plotting and planning. This would be Robert Wintour, John Grant, and Christopher Wright. Robert Wintour was rich as all hell, so easy ad. Wright was also part of the nobody got punished for it, and I bet they feel dumb about that now, Essex Rebellion, and Grant was also at the same rebellion, and was married to win to her sister. So, like, pretty much half of fucking England

is now learning the secret handshake at the Rub and Tug pub or wherever they were a fucking meeting now. Yeah, I mean, at this point, there's so many people in their murder plot, they're going to need to convene in Parliament just so they've got enough places for everyone to sit.

Now, Parliament at the time, met at the Palace of Westminster. Maybe they still do. I don't know. Oh, come on. It's the one with the big clock. It's like the one thing you Americans record. The clock, not the building.

I don't even know there was a building. I was like a bridge, I think. Benzhouse or something. Where is England? Do they sit on the big Ferris wheel? I know about that one. You can take a big bus to it, like a double decker one. They needed the double deck of bus

because of how many people are in the plot. Which king was James Bond? Well, this king was nearly James Bond. Yes. Oh, buts. Anyway, the Palace of Westminster at the time was a warrant of buildings clustered around medieval chambers, chapels, and halls of the former royal palace, and various royal law courts.

The palace wasn't really a palace the way you might be thinking. It was more of a hub of all kinds of activity and security was not really a thing here. So there were lodgings and taverns and businesses and shit up well in there. So pretty much anyone could pop in and pop out and not attract any attention at all. Yeah. And the thing is, that's still kind of the case now.

Like, it even has a pub called Strangers Bar, where beer prices are famously so incredibly cheap because they're subsidized by the taxpayer. That might explain a lot about why our government works the way it does, that we are paying to get them pissed. You guys have a beer subsidy for that one bar? Yeah. It's like three quid a pint in London in strangers.

It's the cheapest place to drink in London is Strangers bar. frequented entirely by the MPs of the parliament. Jesus crap. I pay for it with tariff profits. That's how it works. Honestly, if we could get Nancy Mace wine drunk in the middle of the day, I would, because think about what she says sober.

You know what I'm saying? She is wine drunk in the middle of day. What the fuck are you talking about? That's fair. We're tried beer. Now, there were also things called undercrofts, which were big-ass underground sellers used for storage. And these could be pretty easily just

rented out by anyone with some money, which the conspirators had. And so they found one located pretty much directly below where the king and parliament would be sick. Shut the fuck. That's like turning the presidential limo into an Uber while he's in it. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? With a bomb under it. Just coming a second.

Enter Guy Fawkes, aka John Johnson. Yep. Now he had bomb-making experience from his time doing war stuff in the Netherlands, and since the war with Spain it ended, there was just a glut of readily available gunpowder that could just be bought by anyone who knew who to ask. And Guy knew who to ask. And he asked to the tune of 36 barrels of gunpowder,

which, according to my calculations, is a fucking lot of gunpowder. And they were set to blow everyone up, but then more plague, happened and parliament was delayed again. The conspirators piled up firewood around the gunpowder to hide it and they waited and everyone

continued to smell just awful all the time. Okay, genuinely, I could door dash all of that in Michigan right now. Like I don't need any connections. Walmart in the next hour could have that. Three more conspirators were added to the group. Why you might ask? I don't know.

They already had all the stuff they needed in place. They just needed a break in the place. and like a match, but they added people anyway. The plan was set, and Fox was going to light the match and then run really fast to try not to explode. And some of the other guys were going to try to kid that kid I mentioned before. That was the plan that they needed all these fucking guys for. They probably wrote it on their fucking hands.

On October the 26th, the servant delivered a letter to Lord Montego at his house, claiming they had received the letter from a stranger on the road. and I'm going to quote the full text of this letter below because it is the most English thing I have ever read and I literally majored in English. I mean, you majored in English in the U.S. I mean, that's practically teaching English as a foreign language at that point. No, it's fair. No idea what Marsh just said. Yeah, I couldn't understand anything. Quote, my lord, out of the love I bear to some of your friends, I have a care of your preservation.

Therefore, I would advise you as you tender your life to devise some excuse to shift your attendance at this parliament. For God and man have concurred to punish the wickedness of this time, and think not slightly of this advertisement, but retire yourself into your country where you may expect the event in safety. For though there be no appearance of any stir, yet I say they shall receive a terrible blow this parliament, and yet they shall not see who hurts them. This council is not to be condemned because it may do you good and can do you no harm, for the danger is passed as soon as you have burnt the letter. And I hope God will give you the grace

to make good use of it to whose holy protection I commend you. Jesus Christ, skip to the end, mate. You're trying to save the guy's life. Keep it to a single side, Max. No kidding, right? Can you imagine the notes back then when someone hit your park car?

It's like a 20 foot long scroll. Honestly, I think it's just because they've only just learned to write at this point in history. They're still in that showing off phase. So Montague had no fucking idea what this letter was all about. So he wrote to Whitehall

and he asked the Earl of Salisbury who told the Earl of Worcestershire. Okay, so now we have two oils, one coup. That's funny. That's so good. So good. So good. Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers to you, Mars. Yeah. My God, you have so many more cheerses than Eli. It's crazy. What do you guys think those earls would talk like if they were in a sketch that ended with someone going, okay. What do you think would happen then?

Let him be trying. Let him see. Maybe he'll get the cheers. We'll see. No. I was too to doodily. The Montego's servant, however, had family connections with the right family, who were conspirators.

So while Montego was hitting the panic button, the servant was telling Catesby that they had been betrayed. And no one told the king right away, because they did not want to bother him while he was out hunting and he was out hunting with Catesby. The servant came up was like, Your Majesty, please excuse the interruption.

I just need to whisper something, something normal in Lord Catesby's ear real quick and then I shall take my leave. Don't worry about it. You're going to see me making my hands in sort of a expanding ball motion, but that's just me talking about balls.

Tits. Now James was told when he returned And he pretty much immediately figured out that the letter meant that someone was trying to explode everyone. And James, he was kind of sensitive personally to being exploded since his father had been killed in an explosion. So he was determined to stop the cycle of generational trauma and not himself explode. So they ordered a search of the houses of parliament. And the conspirators were pretty much very well aware that they had been found out at this point. and Percy was definitely team

Get the fuck out of Dodd. Hey, I got a pretty good plan for getting rid of the evidence, guys. I feel like we get that pretty quick, right? But not all the conspirators were convinced, and they still had the plot in place to kidnap that kid, and besides, I already bought all that gunpowder,

so maybe they could still make things work. To keep the receipt from Walmart and DoorDash? You have to have both. So some of them headed in Midlands to kid and Fox was given a pocket watch and some matches, and he made his way to the undercroft to wait for the perfect time to blow up the entire English government. Except, of course, we know it doesn't happen.

Instead, the guys who were searching Parliament stumbled into Fox, who just loo-lood his way to half-convincing everyone that he was just a guy guarding firewood for his master, which seemed kind of sus because, come the fuck on! So when they reported this nonsense to the king, James was rather insistent that they get back down to the goddamn undercroft right away because why would

someone be guarding firewood you fucking morons but when they went to arrest him they all ran into each other and they knocked themselves out and he walks right out of the time again Johnny McDonface and that's a mask of yourself that you're wearing that's why you're wearing

a mask okay you know guys it checks out everything is so checks out let's get let's leave and go ask someone what we should do about this situation I got a little bit to the king the king's not going to be now We've double. We can't trust anyone else with this.

We have to bring this to the king to ask him. We should fucking. That's amazing. The mask thing is weird, but like, I think we're good. I think we're good. All right. So they go back down and again, they find Fox. And they notice this time that he's dressed like a guy.

This guy, Fox. He was planning to light. They notice that he is dressed like a guy who was planning to light a match and attach the 36 barrels of gunpowder and run really fast. asked to get on a horse. So they looked under some of the firewood, and they discovered literally thousands of pounds of gunpowder. They arrested Fox, who was fooling everyone by calling himself John Johnson.

Yeah, plus he was dressed like that movie where a terrorist tried to start a revolution. So that was a dead giveaway. That's true. Now, word got out that John Johnson had been arrested, and the plotters, still in London, fled. Several of them met up, and they tried to see if there was still a way. to maybe start an armed rebellion while also evading the police and hoping that John Johnson didn't give everyone up and they probably weren't going to torture their names out of him, would they?

Spoiler, they would so much. But John Johnson was made of pretty stern stuff. Even under torture, Fox held out, insisting he had acted alone despite being asked rather sternly if he was super duper sure. Now, he actually was so steadfast that the king himself was impressed with Fox saying he possessed a Roman resolution. Man, this guy drinks wolf milk, am I right?

Harry? The king, however impressed, also possessed the wreck. A torture was, I should note here, forbidden, unless the king decided that it wasn't, which he did. So they started off with some light torture, and then when that didn't work,

they escalated to more heavy petting torture before moving on to full on, pull your arms, and legs inexorably from their sockets while also breaking your back, hardcore stuff. And on November the 7th, Fox confessed. If he confessed so hard, he didn't stop confessing for two days. Okay, serious question. When did torture stop working?

Because I'm told by very smart people that it doesn't work now. It just doesn't work. So that's why, like, I'm, to be clear, I'm against it either way, you know, categorical imperative, but like, we should just be honest. smart people say it just doesn't work now. Yeah, I mean, it still works great as long as your goal is to get someone to say, I did it, regardless of whether they did it or not. It's great for that.

But he did do it. Well, yeah, that's why it worked in this case. But like, yeah. He's got you there, Marsh. He did have to sign the confession. And there are documents that compare his signature to his pre-torture signature. If you want to see just how much torture fucks you up, it is how it's haunting to see. Well, that's sad.

The right line just looks like my normal handwriting. guys have I been tortured? And you are tortured Okay, did not expect Marsh the skeptic To start in with the graphological analysis So a little plot twist there Okay Are the rest of these

Fugitives By the way you loop your oath You've just been tortured You don't have any toenails Anymore interesting You can tell The rest of the fugitives Fucked around and found out

and a sort of confused unraveling. Some members split up from the larger group were captured and arrested, and several others were dismayed to discover that their friends and family were rather unwilling to help them overthrow the king or help them with pretty much anything at all, especially now that everything had gone to shit.

So Catesby, Rookwood, and Grant had gathered some gunpowder and some weapons, but their gunpowder had gotten wet. So in an act of desperation, they spread out the gunpowder to dry in front of a fire. Come on. And they fairly promptly were themselves engulfed flames. Come on.

After the gunpowder did what gunpowder does. They just singed the edge area controlled burn, man. We're dead. And then a bunch of these guys ended up hold up in a house that was besieged by 200 English troops. And on November the 8th, Windor was shot and wounded. Wright was shot. That his brother. Then Rookwood, who'd been burned earlier by that gunpowder fiasco.

And Grant Morgan, Rookwood, and Wintourkewood and Winter were. arrested as were Bates, Keys, Digby, Trescia, Monague, Morden, and Storton. If you don't recognize all those names, neither did I, but suffice to say that the conspirators and those that aided them were having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Those are all the B-side effigies we burn on that day. Yeah, and just different. I'm picturing Wookwood showing up, just all blown up, being like, so it's not a great day, the plot, it's not going to great.

How is it going for you guys here? There's a lot of them? we were just trying to singe the edge of the long line all the way on one side and we thought that would be fine because it's all the way on one side we thought we do that while we were blotting it with our bodies

to try to get the moisture it made sense at the time we did dry it out a lot of things in retrospect it was okay it did dry it spread out the gasoline too how did I escape into a surrounded building So there was a trial, and it went pretty much as you would expect.

Everybody was found guilty, and each of them was sentenced to death, but not just an ordinary death. To attempt to murder the king was a crime not only against the state, but a crime against God. And just killing someone convicted of trying to plot violence against both God and country deserved a special suite of horrors. The condemned men were to be drawn backward to his death, his head, near the ground. He was to be put to death halfway between heaven and earth as unworthy of both. Wow. His genitals would be cut off and burnt before his eyes. And his bowels and heart then removed, then he would be decapitated and then the dismembered parts of their bodies displayed so they

become prey for the fowls of the air. Okay. Yeah. A lot of moving parts there. A lot of good stuff. The backwards part is confusing. That one detail. Okay, we're going to do a disembowl, you know, thick and balls, obviously. Cut out the heart. of course. Wait, wait, wait. Let me finish. He'll be upside down. Why is that anything? Yeah, also, is it just me or does the burning of his genitals not really contribute anything once they're already cut off? It's not like he was hoping they'd be packing them in ice so they could be surgically reattached later. No, because Marsh, you're not thinking it through. You've cut off a guy's dicks and balls, but now you're just holding a dick and

balls. You can't throw it out into the crowd. That's throwing a dick and balls. You got to have plan for that. I think you did like a pick at a fucking concert. I mean, if you're lucky, but mostly the most

dramatic thing you could do is throw it into the fire. I bet the first one he threw out into the audience and they were like, Ew! They did that big ear crowd thing. And then you had to apologize and you were like,

what about the fire? And everyone was like, eh. This is why you got to plan it out ahead of time. Yeah. We need 150 co-conspirators. We need a tech rehearsal

for these things. All right, so Catesby and Percy had died before being arrested. So their bodies were dug up, decapitated, and their heads exhibited on pikes outside the House of Lords. Well, that's show them, I guess. At least that. On January the 30th, the convicts were indeed executed in unbelievably gruesome fashion. Akees attempted to circumvent the worst of the punishment, and he leapt off the gallows,

but his neck didn't break. And he was allowed to dangle and strangle for a bit before being. cut down and brought over to the quartering block to have his bits cut off and all the rest of that horrible shit while he was still alive. Now Fox despite being badly weakened by torture also jumped from

the gallows and he did manage to break. Hey, hey, Guy Fawks, before we bring you up there, no jumping off or else will be like pretty mad. Promise? They couldn't stop some people from doing that.

Now, to be clear, they did still fuck with his body, but at that point, like the kink of it was all one second. I feel like there is definitely an English slang name fish dish called heads on pikes. I am sure. Do you think it was like the last torturer of the day he was super psyched? He was like, don't worry. I mean, the thing with the genitals was cool. But I have so.

Oh, no. My guy got a wall. I had a whole thing. And January of 1606, the observant of the 5th November Act 1605 was passed, which made services commemorating the foiling of the gunpowder plot an annual feature of English life. Now, if this sounds like the capital's creation of the Hunger Games, yes, it does. It sounds very much like that. The day is marked with bonfires and burning effigies and fireworks to symbolize the bomb that did not go off. The act was repealed in 1859, but in England, the food is bad and the weather is worse.

So why not just keep the party going? Guy Fox Day or Bonfire Night is still celebrated with fireworks, bonfires, and children running around with weird little fox effigies and anonymous masks to merrily hurl them into a fire after the kids have begged their way into collecting some money. Yeah, this is all absolutely true. It is genuinely commemorated with a rhyme that we all learn as kids. It's a remember, remember the 5th of November, gunpowder treason and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder treason should ever be forgot. And like, Heath, I don't know if you remember, you went to dinner with Dr. Alice and me, and for some reason you mentioned something about Guy Fawkes and Alice and I just launched straight into that rhyme.

It was so confusing. I was like, what are they doing? I think they're going to murder me. I don't know. This is fun, this is fun no matter what. how bonfire night, it's truly a family day. A day to come together as a nation and be reminded of that glorious time in England's history when no one was allowed to be Catholic anymore.

Some people got really mad about it. A bomb did not go off. And a bunch of guys were castrated and disemboweled while they were still alive. And it's still a damn sight better than a traditional English breakfast. Okay. I'm very traditional. Very true. Very true.

It's good. Excellent. No, it's not. It's all that. Beans get fucking fucking lame ass shit. I'd like a fucking half-cooked tomato

please. That'll fucking improve my breakfast experience. Well, it's fully fucked out of here. Can you burn the eggs and the toast somehow? That would be amazing.

That's not bacon also. Just for the fucking record. It's not really right. Liars bacon. You guys had an American breakfast in the fucking throat? Where they just do like a sarcastic breakfast? it's awesome they have fun at pubs now they'll just be like oh here's nine pancakes in a fucking dead Saudi kid I'm

Jesus Christ I was literally about to be like that sounds good too and then you added and I had not said anything yet it all for you yeah you help right how many pancakes before you're okay with the kid he wait you think it's a threshold that I have to get above and then I'm like yes I will eat a child in addition? I think you have it backwards. I think if it was less than five pancakes, I'd think about...

Can you kill you? A dead child? No, reasonable. All right. Tom. Yes, sir. We're back. If you had to summarize

what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? If you come for the king, you best not miss. And are you ready for the quiz? Absolutely. All right, Tom, if you were gonna... Oh, whoa.

D. All of Beep Above. That is correct. That is correct. Nailed it. All right, Tom. What's the name of the gunpowder plot movie? A.

Can conflagrate Kate's B? B. The Dian King. C. The Whig Bang Theory or D. Royal cannon bombs. Oh, Royal Canon Bombs. Oh, it's Wes Anderson.

Royal cannon bombs all the way. Correct. Correct. Okay, Tom, this Catholic terrorist left a lasting impact on our culture. But which fast food chain did his story inspire? Is it A, November 5 guys? Is it B, Bubba gumpowders? Is it C?

Domino's Vibiscom. That's one for all the Catholic Latin mass fans out there. Is it D? Burner Kings. Nice. Is it E the Catholic sandwich chain Trans Subway, their motto, eat flesh. Oh, it's in Ed. Guy Fieries.

All well done. Amazing. God, I fucking eat flesh. That's perfect. That is fucking perfect. Although when they cut it off and burned it, it was not a foot long. I just, that's lying. Wouldn't it be five November guys if it was over there?

That's done it. All right, well, Tom, you got them all. You're the winner. Yay, all right. Marsh, why don't you do some writing once in a while? Okay, let's go for it. I'll do that next week. Excellent. All right, well, Tom, Cecil, Eli, and Marsh, I'm Heath. Thank you for hanging out with us. We'll be back next week, and Marsh will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can listen to cognitive dissonance, no rogan experience, skeptics with a K, dear old dads, god off a movies, the skating atheist, skepticrat, and D&D Minus.

and if you'd like to join the ranks of our beloved patrons, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, listen to past episodes, connect with us on social media, or take a look at show notes, check out citationpod.com. And then after you're done genociding India, oh, you must do Africa as well. Oh, of course, your highness, of course.

Oh, brother, when you have a moment, I'd love to be king. Yes, yes, yes, just a second. But Mom said it was my turn.