Citation Needed - John McAfee [True Crime Special]

Episode Date: December 4, 2019

John David McAfee (/ˈmækəfiː/ MAK-ə-fee;[1][2] born September 18, 1945) is a British-American computer programmer and businessman. He founded the software company McAfee Associates in 1987 and ran it until 1994, when he resigned from the company. McAfee Associates achieved early success as the creators of McAfee, the first commercial antivirus software, and the business now produces a range of enterprise security software. The company was purchased by Intel in 2011 and spun back out in 2017 with TPG Capital owning a majority stake, though the software has always borne the McAfee brand name. McAfee's wealth peaked in 2007 at $100 million, before his investments plummeted in the financial crisis of 2007–2008. --- Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

No, I'm telling you, he actually got me two turtle doves. I saw him, they were very, very dead. Well, we'll just ask him to stop. Well, at least before he gets to the Lord's Alieping, right? Hmm, stun gun. Check. Elephant tranquilizer. Hey Heath.

Hey, lie, why are you guys, uh, gearing up. Destroy what we created, Noah. That's right. destroy what we created Noah. To destroy what we created. We could just turn around and leave right now guys. We could just go. I vote that, that's my vote too. Let's vote.

Eli, what does that mean? Okay. So, you remember when I broke into the CRISPR place and tried to combine Cecil and my DNA into a version of myself that knew self-love? Yeah, I remember that. Wait, you guys know about this? You are a sword camp.

It's called the known world academy, a rapier. Thank you very much. Boom, boom nerd. Boo you. You're sword. Anyway, I'm in there. I'm stirring up the goop and I think to myself, okay, you know what? While I'm at it, why don't I put a little bit of Tom's confidence in there and then,

you know, I get a little bit of Noah's work ethic and then I'm worried, right? So I put in heat sway with women and boom. He's absolutely made the subject of today's episode. John McFaith. You're just like getting around to telling us about this right now. I didn't know other people knew. I thought it was a fun, you know, little secret. Like diamonds not being worth anything or Obama smoking.

Either way, I'm fixing it now, I'm fixing it now. Wait, so wait, you're just gonna try to capture and destroy crazy millionaire John McAfee. Yes. Okay, I'm in. Dibs on the machine, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Yes.

I will be using this basket hilt mortuary sword. Boonard. Well, I'm a damnit! Yes, ha ha! I will be using this basket-hilt mortuary sword. Boom, nerd! Well, I will anyway. Can I get a sword? I didn't get the machine gun. No! No! You can hold the scabbard, Heath.

Here's the scabbard! That's a sword, right? It's like sword pants. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Noah and I'll be scanning this episode for threats that I've already found a couple of them. First up, the first and second person whose laptops were diagnosed with STIs, Heath and Eli. Okay, maybe I'm misunderstanding the J-O-I videos. I feel like she's pretty specific, right? The best part of that joke is that if two people are listening and only one of them laughs,

the other one is mad at the social. It's my favorite part about the J-O. I don't know what, Eli, I just said, but I do know it burns when I type the letter P. Um, no, I need to press to get to Pornhub. It just knows exactly what I've done. And also joining us tonight are two men who are still searching for software that will debug their beard's Tom and Cecil. I've been using MailChimp all wrong. It's not doing it.

My beard would be much neater if it would just lines a code. That'd be awesome. It's so quick before we get this show started, I wanted to thank all the patrons who make this show possible. Remember patrons in terms of legal liability, this shows your fault. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick right to the end of the show.

And with that out of the way, tell us Eli, what person placed in concept phenomenon or event will we be talking about today? We'll be talking about John McAfee. Nope, you want to try that again? No, no, no. Mc, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no knowledge, if any knowledge is literally my business plan and my personal plan and my five year plan and my retirement plan. So, yes. So, who is John McAfee? John McAfee is the Kanye West of the cryptocurrency, cyber security, jungle, antibiotics, Balesean, murder, libertarian,arian presidential hopeful world. He is. That's perfect.

That's a perfect explanation. He's actually somehow way crazier than Kanye. Actually, that's not even easy to be, but he's still that. He's so much fucking crazier. And his story is about the nuttiest damn thing that you've probably never heard, which is saying a lot for this show. Two of us don't believe in Finland. Who is the author? Who is the author?

Who is the second me? You in the mouse in your pocket? Like what the fuck? All right, so John McAfee was born in September 18th, 1945, in the UK on an army base, where his father was stationed. He grew up in Roanoke, Virginia. His mother was a bank teller. His father was a road surveyor, and also a raging abusive alcoholic who in Mcanoke, Virginia. His mother was a bank teller. His father was a road surveyor and also a raging abusive alcoholic.

Who in Maccathy was 15, shot and killed himself. Maccathy was, as you might imagine, very extremely fucked up by that. And he was later quoted as saying, every day I wake up with him, every relationship I have, he's by my side, every mistrust. He is the negotiator of that mistrust. So my life is fucked.

And as we'll learn by the end of the story, he will not turn out to be wrong about that last part. Well, I mean, he's a millionaire too, so. Yeah. Pros and cons. Right. I know. I trade straight up.

Pretty sure he and I have different definitions of fucked. Yes. I'm pretty sure he and I have different definitions of fun. So. As a young man, John McAfee attended Rowan O'College. He drank very heavily and he made a ton of money actually selling door to door magazine subscriptions. His stick for the sale was to tell people if they'd won the magazines for free and then all he had to do was pay a small fee for shipping. He was very successful with this tactic and he learned what seems to be a pivotal lesson for his life's ventures,

that a lot of confidence and a dearth of screwballs will get a man nearly as far as he needs. So capitalism, he learned capitalism. Yep. It's very invisible hand job capitalism. Yeah. All right, although he drank heavily, John still managed to start a PhD in mathematics at Northeast Louisiana State College.

Go war hawks. Go war hawks. Though he eventually got removed from the program for sleeping with an undergrad student to be fair, he later married her. He took a job in computer programming with Univac, but he got fired for buying pot. He's a 101 teacher as a grad student. Young lady, you won this better grade. All you have to do is fuck me.

That's all you have to do. Well, undeterred John Forge to head with a resume full of forgeries. And it took a job at Missouri Pacific Railroad in St. Louis. His job there was to write code to efficiently schedule train routes and patterns. And it seems he was quite good at it, having working code up and running within six months. St. Louis. His job there was to write code to efficiently schedule train routes and patterns and it seems he was quite good at it having working code up and running within six months. But he was way better at just doing massive amounts of drugs. In the morning before work, John would drop acid and then show up and code train schedules all days, just dripping

balls. Perhaps he could have continued this indefinitely, but instead he decided to try DMT. And it didn't work the first time he tried it. Wow. So he tried a whole lot more DMT. He snorted, according to the wired article, a whole bag of DMT and to quote him, within an hour, my mind was shattered and he ceased being able to function. And he started the world's number one podcast. And everyone's for nine of us. Can I just say though that that DMT experience is like everyone's experience with pot brownies. You take one, it doesn't work.

And then 30 minutes later you ate half a tray and you're like fucking sitting in traffic naked. It's like, what the fuck? Now I don't like to add that a bag is not really a- That's true, where you're lying on a table. A bag of it? Yeah, bags do come in different sizes, right? I've done the bag of drugs many times,

but I just didn't say, you know, Charlie, I didn't have the biggest bag most of the time. All right, so on all this crazy amount of DMT, he started believing that he was coding train schedules to the moon He was unable to understand why would that be what and why would that matter like It matters if you're a Missouri cuz they're never going to the moon He was unable to understand what people were saying to him and he eventually found himself hiding behind a dumpster in somewhere in St. Louis having professed the part of him still believes that he is on this trip and

that everything since then has just been an extension and everything is going to return to normal sometime soon. Well, I mean, as far as I know, DMT isn't one of the snorting drugs. So there's a good chance his brain was already pretty fucking for this. I smoked a whole bowl of whiskey. Also knowing the rest of his story, I'm kind of on John's side. Right? He's right. So John did the only logical thing to do when you find yourself irredeemably high somewhere in St. Louis. He quit his fucking job, left and never went back. So by now he was snorting Coke every morning,

drinking a bottle of Scotch every day and living in a state of constant paranoia. Happiness. What did you say? Okay, little Colomé Colombe, his wife had left him, he gave away his dog, he spent all the hours of all of his days doing massive amounts of drugs, alone in his house contemplating whether or not he should go the hours of all of his days doing massive amounts of drugs, alone in his house, contemplating whether or not

he should go the way of his father. He was saved by a therapist who suggested he go to an AA meeting where someone seriously changed his life with a hug, what, after which he's been sober. Or at least he says he's been sober, even though there's no fucking way that that's true. This sounds like almost everyone in the citation

needed classed minus the quitting part, right? Like minus the quitting part. It's nice to know that if we ever form Voltron, we get to become John McCaffney. I'd definitely be the bitch tits part. In 1986, McAfee became obsessed with computer viruses, although they were uncommon at the time, the potential for damage and their insidious nature perfectly fed his spiraling paranoia. The idea of a virus randomly attacking computers with no warning reminded him of the random attacks he endured by his father, and so he resolved to combat what random violence he could,

and he started his anti-virus company out of his home. All right, I really hope this story ends with him creating software that prevents abusive alcoholic dads somehow. I don't know how that would work, but like they take their belt off and it's like, uh, sir, you're gonna need to click on all the photos with a bicycle and he's like, I'm not a strong mouse. I fucking, I'm always, uh, pointing part. I fucking always thought it was a good pointy part. I used to main middle part.

I give up, never mind, never mind. I want to save myself much when I was a kid. Wow, that'd been amazing. The business plan was as unique as the idea of anti-virus software itself was. The software was given away free to regular users, but licenses for the software were sold to businesses. Within half a decade, half of the top 100 companies in America were licensing a software,

and John was making $5 million a year by 1990. That's 9.8 million a year in today's money. Part of which, of course, he invested in a 27-foot win of Bego full of computers, that he drove around as a kind of anti-virus command and response vehicle. Oh, we should make a podcast command and response deal. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, guys, they call that Uber pool.

As true. Oh, it's true. Oh, it's true. Oh, yeah. A command and response deal. Command and response deal. So Maccathy rode the wave of that unique combination of early 2000s new internet ubiquity, total computer illiteracy and American paranoia

to nearly unimaginable wealth. And for a little while, John McAfee lived a life of many others whose good timing propelled them to the upper echelons of prosperity. He'd remarried, had mansions and properties all over the world. He even received an honorary degree

from his alma mater, Rowan O'College. He wrote four completely nonsensical books of spiritual woo. He had private jets and sports cars, just all the usual rich white guy stuff. Do not take a pass on McAfee's books, by the way. And they make Marianne Williamson sound like Elizabeth Warren's conscience.

You mean Elizabeth Warren? Haames aren't real. All right, like usual other rich white guys, his second marriage dissolved. 2002, a few years later, he started going absolutely fucking nuts. The financial crisis of 2008 fucked his world up. He became afraid his wealth was going to make him a target for lawsuits. So he looked on Google Earth, saw some sweet property in Belize on Ambergris, Kaie, and bought it sight unseen and just moved to Central America. Oh, he thinks he's John Galt. That's adorable.

Yep. And he thinks Belize is invisible like that. I mean, it's not not invisible. I just asked 903 out of every 904 Americans asked to find it. I'm gonna be mad. It's near China, everybody. I know a quick note here on Belize, because nobody lives in Belize. I just came back from a vacation there. There is nobody there, the whole country.

Right now there's less than 375,000 people. The country first got electricity in 1980. So like Pennsylvania. The country speaks English, but there's nobody to fucking speak it to. It's a jungle with shacks. It's a beautiful jungle to be sure, but to call Belize rustic is to underestimate the word. It's also chock-a-block full of unexplored Mayan ruins and this would be surprising in another part of the world, but there is nobody in Belize to find them, there is no money to explore them, and the jungle is so incredibly dense that a ruin covered in a thousand years of jungle growth

just looks like another hill. All right, so McAfee was immediately fascinated by the jungle paradise of Belize. He took a canoe up a river to explore some ruins, and then he immediately bought acres of property in the dense Mayan jungle. He spent a million dollars filling in the swampy land and building a complex of thatched roofed bungalows across the property. McCaffey's girlfriend of 12 years, she stayed on his property in Ambergris Caille, but John became obsessed with the jungle. He filled this house full of luxury goods and imported treasures, including a baby grand piano

that he did not know how to play, but which in no way dissuaded him from playing as he sat alone in his weird luxury jungle hut. Jesus. John, John, John, John, ultra wealthy people. They have a bunch of shit they'll never use. Mostly it's excess money, but sometimes it manifests itself as baby grand piano.

And that means at some point he was on the phone with his like piano guy. And he was like, no, no try to upsell me. I'm not paying a FedEx a grand piano to the Belisian jungle. That's ridiculous, baby. Be realistic. I said, at this point, John was supposed to be retired, but he retired about as well as I can relax. He started as a garbage business, a coffee company, and a water taxi service. Oh, okay. That last was just a string of words with company at the end, Damien. Probably.

He also shot himself up with testosterone twice a month as they energetic and lean, and he continued to fill his property in the jungle with that shrooved bungalows which he did not need, and which at the time that he was constructing them served no purpose. In 2010, he met Alison Adonzio. She's a Harvard Postgrad doing research

and antibiotics produced by plants to fight bacteria. The two got to talking, and within that same day, they decided they were gonna change the scope of the entire pharmaceutical industry. Alison quit her research job, solar house, and moved to Belize to work for McAfee, who outfitted a few of the aforementioned junglers with tens of thousands of dollars worth of science and stuff

for her third world jungle antibiotic slapper, Tula. Please say as a follow-up, the botese that call themselves junglers, please. I'm sorry. Sorry, am I crazy? This is clearly an evil. Yes, right? Yes, so the evil.

No, you're not crazy. Not 100%. Like, he's about to call his piano guy. I'm be like, hey, do you have a volcano guy? I want to make it authentic. I want to do a whole bag of volcano. Can you do that? Well, science, it turns out is hard.

So John got bored. Magnets, how do they work? Right? Yeah, it's a jungle. Jungle loads. Jungle loads. So brother is spending a lot of time with Alison in her research. She started hanging out in the town of Orangewalk, which she described as quote,

the asshole of the world, dirty, hot, gray, dilapidated. That's not what an asshole supposed to look like. It's not. Depends on all the person. He passed his spare time taking photos of the town's residents saying, quote, I gravitate to the world's outcasts, prostitute, steves, the handicap. For some reason, I've always been fascinated by these subcultures.

Okay, starting a business with your girlfriend of three days check, thinking taking photos of four people makes you deep check. Are we sure John wasn't just a white person? But wait, but again, prostitute thieves, the handi-capped, just a random string of word. This guy speaks exclusively in rejected SAT analogies. You know what it did? You raised the earth, the prostitutes, and the robbers, and people who can't see color. People with black and white assholes apparently. My assholes got in grayscale. This is weird. So you started spending all of his mornings at a whorehouse saloon called lover's bar where the music

was quote, shatteringly bad Mexican karaoke music to which voices beyond description added this harmony that reaches diabolic proportions. I love that line. John wrote of this time, quote, my fragile connection with the world of polite society has, without a doubt been severed. My attire would rank me among the worst dressed Tijuana panhandlers. My hygiene is no better. There's a range on Tijuana panhandlers' dresses. Oh, it's like focused in a fashion week.

The Panhandlers exhibit this year. Yesterday, for the first time, I urinated in public in broad daylight. I have no illusions. He noted in another dispatch. He does, we are tainted by everything we touch. Oh, you're tainted by everything you touch. Maybe don't pee on stuff.

You just have to pee on it. Yeah, that's right. We've got a broad daylight. It's a broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight.

A broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight.

A broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight. A broad daylight. than a boy, both of which McAfee declined, though I just finished watching a documentary last night about him actually in which a number of women claimed to be a part of his weird jungle herm. Several of these women said that although

he didn't have sex with them, he did enjoy having them shit in his mouth as he lay underneath them in a hammock. What? Yeah, cut a hole in the hammock, they shit in his mouth, but they're like, well, we didn't fuck them So you know did I somehow read through this without noticing that or did you just I watched the documentary last night?

Okay, I was like there's no way I Was hammock shitting mouth stuff Reaction and nobody in the cast that reaction We just realized all five of us are into scat except for time. All of us are like, that's not an appropriate place to say anything. Yeah, they did the normal stuff. Let's get to the crazy things. This is like six women, one hammock.

I mean, I can't believe we missed this. Okay, unrelated, Amazon wishless hammocks. Okay, unrelated Amazon wish list hammocks. Everybody hammocks hands up for hammocks. I already have a collection of hammocks that may or may not be used for. Go ahead. I don't like to use a hammock for it because the shit comes out like a Play-Doh Playhouse thing

and gets squeezed through a hole. That's what I like to use hammocks. Press it, dude. Press it, dude. I have a hammock that looks like Lucky Charms Holes. I believe that. I like my tag of tele one. It just comes out, you know, it's like really not.

If you're into that German stuff, it's all spacial. It's a shatial. I so for his part, the horror house proprietor would not be to swayed he showed up to John's jungle compound with a woman named Amy M. Schwiller. This is a 16 year old girl who was very much out to Rob McAfee to gain his trust and sympathy. She told John the terrible story of her life of forced prostitution. Although she did so because quote, I know how to control men.

I told him my story because I wanted him to feel sorry for me and it worked. A millionaire in freaking Belize where people work all day just to make a dime who wouldn't want to rock. This antifirus guy needs to walk around with like a human spam filter around him. You know what I mean? Jesus Christ.

He's that capture thing for the alcoholic dad and for the everyone who believes he wants to rob him Within a month the two were sleeping together though McAfee knew Amy did not have his best interest at heart any more than he did as a retired man fucking a teenager Noting the quote she can pretend to sanity better than any woman. I've ever known nonetheless He built her her own jungle though and when his girlfriend came to visit him from Ambergris Kaie, John was given the old, it's her me ultimatum. And John chose the unstable 16 year old, writing, well, what I basically did was can a solid 12 year relationship for

a stark, raving mad woman. Oh, it's like when you're two shittiest friends start dating John wasn't wrong at all about Amy because one night while he slept she snuck out of bed Grabbed a gun that he had secreted away in an ancient Tibetan gong Stunned the foot of his bed and tried to shoot him with the intention of murdering him and taking everything she could run away Just wheeling a baby grand piano and a bunch of beakers through the jungle town Big. Five dollars. She's, she's right into the force, bounce it off trees with the dip. Bones, bones, bones, bones. Oh, it's amazing. Well, she, the problem is she flinched, the shot went wide, hit the pillow next to his

head. John jumps up, rests the gun from this would be a assassin and promptly no shit grounded her from her phone and TV for a month for attempting to murder him. What? To what she responded by yelling, but I didn't even kill you. I know we're gonna make fun of John here for keeping her around after she tried to kill him, but how many people keep smoking after the first heart attack? You know what I mean? And a heart attack never fucks you. So John decided it might be better if maybe Amy didn't live with him anymore since she was

prone to trying to fucking kill him. So he built her a bungalow in the nearby village of Carmillita. What? Amy knowing that, yeah, Amy knowing that McAfee was wildly paranoid, convinced John that this tiny town of 1,600 people was actually a major shipping route for overland drugs moving through Mexico and that the town was controlled by violent narco traffickers. When John asked Amy what she thought he should do,

her suggestion was to kill all the men in town. Amazing how many problems that will solve that, right? I'm gonna do it too. John suspected this might be something of an overzealous reaction. So naturally he took the question to his friends, the whorehouse saloon, who spun tails of murder and gang wars and none of which seemed to have any basis in fact. But I mean, if you can't trust a teenage prostitute who tried to murder you to tell you the truth,

I guess, who can you trust? I don't know. Naturally, John said about hiring and equipping what amounted then to his own private army. When the police insisted that they didn't have the resources to investigate his fairy tales, John purchased military-style weapons, and 16s, batons, tasers, the fucking works, trucks, vehicles,

began paying officers to patrol where and when he wanted. He's got him walking up and down cat walks in a warehouse walk slower on the catwalk You ignore the sounds behind you slowly walk on the same holy shit did I make another layer It's like my third layer. I'm really it's very funny. I'd be evil am I Is this an evil layer? Oh my God, this is stage three, isn't it? This is stage three.

I'm a track walk guy. I'm evil. I made an evil layer. Oh my God. Get a piano in here. He had at this point effectively created an armed military force to take down the drug traffickers in a town of less than 2,000 people, which had less than one murder a year. The village officials here were baffled.

They hadn't asked for any help. They certainly didn't need any help. And most of them had never heard of McAfee until he started prowling around heavily armed with his own personal commandos and their tiny village, stopping cars and harassing people. One village leader is quoted as saying, I thought he would come by and introduce himself. Explain what he was doing here, but he never did. He just showed up and started telling us what to do.

The Native Americans said the same thing about the pilgrims, the Indians said the same thing about the British. I'm sensing a theme here. Yeah. I hate to break this to you, dude, but give us a history. The white dude showing up with his army is more likely to tell you your name than his.

He began to become more and more paranoid, insisting that he was being watched at all times. At first, he was sure that it was corporate espionage, spies from Big Pharma trying to horn in on his secret jungle antibiotics laboratory. That it was the drug cartels and the police the cartels controlled, despite nobody seeing any of these secret spies. Amy fed John's paranoid delusions, telling him that gang members route to rob him and kill him and playing him tapes of village officials plotting his assassination with grenades.

He spent hours staring into the jungle through binoculars at shapes he insisted were spies and would be assassins. So, Alison Adonzi, the jungle scientist, she was starting to get freaked out by John at this point. Just now starting, huh? Yeah, ramping up to that. Take her while. What you went to is bungalow to talk to him. She noticed garbage bags full of cash and blister packs of Viagra. What? What? Okay. Clearly fucking the bags of money, right? He's just gonna stick in those bags. What else would you, okay, you do you? His life is such a great metaphor for capitalism.

It's amazing. He's taking bags of money and he was like, I need some fire agron to make this happen. So he spent time ranting about the drug games in Carmelita, but Ellison thought that the most dangerous thing in Belize was now John McAfee, so Packer shit and she fled the country

At this point John McAfee had come to the attention of the actual police in Belize and since he kept his antibiotics lab a secret They thought he had a meth lab which to be clear he did not But they rated his shit and he had a ton of unregistered guns and ammunition and he was very briefly arrested. We heard how he'd be less of a cliché super villain if it had been a meth lab though, right? So the question of McAfee's drug manufacturing isn't far off.

Is there some evidence that rather than meth, McAfee had gotten into MDPV. It's a psychoactive stimulant found in bath salts. According to Postity Made Online, while experimenting with MDPV, he got a few drops on his fingers, didn't sleep for four days, had the worst paranoia of his life, and hallucinated like a motherfucker. But he said it was all worth it because the boners he got from it were amazing. Were they like different shapes? What does that even mean? They're balloon animals. How did he differentiate from the other paranoia?

I was wondering how was he able to be like, oh, this is a different rate of paranoia. And how did he differentiate the amazing boners from the paranoia? Of course, he then produces 50 pounds of MDPV and distributed 3,000 doses of it throughout the country. When he was asked about it, he claims the whole thing was just a hilarious prank. He played on drug users to get them to try a particularly noxious drug. Well, that is my life literally the plot from prayer of the roller boys now. Wow.

I think I'm evil. Am I evil? In November of 2012 and very tragically, John McAfee's dogs of which he had 11 were all poison died. Amy had at this point become deeply loyal and committed to McAfee saying that, quote, if he asked me to blow someone's fucking brains out, I would. She also remarked to her dogs,

mess with my dog and you're gonna get it, man. Amy was distraught at hearing the death of the dogs, death switch, McAfee initially pinned the blame squarely on the local gang suppression unit, which she was convinced were in the pockets of the drug cartels. A wireta porter who'd spent many weeks and hours talking to John pointed out that John's neighbor had frequently complained about his dogs.

Out loud, McAfee balled at the idea that his neighbor would harm the dogs, but weirdly, that same neighbor was later found shot to death. Yeah. And the wireta porter was just standing off to the side, tenting his fingers and laughing like Vincent Price. After all that. Okay. But he has a neighbor, is that what you said?

Yeah. Like his giant layer cup. A junk one. Like a neighbor, like fucking Wilson from Home Improvement. This was to be fair. This was his neighbor for his property near the coast on Ambergris Caier. And also to be entirely fair, the dogs were vicious and allowed to run wild around the beach terrorizing the expats that lived there.

So allegedly, it doesn't matter, dogs are better. McAfee was arrested trying to flee into Guatemala to escape charges for the murder, which he denies having committed. He was released by Guatemala and deported to the US, but not before faking a heart attack while in police custody to buy time for his lawyer to help him avoid extradition to believe The same night that he landed in Florida

He meets a prostitute named Janice Dyson whom he solicits Sleeps with and subsequently marries. All right. That's the fourth prostitute. I've met and then married immediately I'm starting to think it's me They really seem to like me though. They certainly have a type. Me. That's them. That's them.

McAfee claims that he's on the run from US officials for tax evasion, although no independent corroboration from any government agency seems to exist to support this claim. Nonetheless, McAfee began living on a yacht that he referred to as his freedom boat, sailing the seas and tweeting out paranoid fantasies of government officials chasing him around the world, and insisting that he has terabytes of damaging data set to a dead man's switch if he should ever disappear, and which would ruin the most powerful government officials whom he claims want to destroy him. Man, remember before Trump when scandalous information about people mattered, right? Like, we were like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, just fucking huge guns aboard his stupid freedom boat. Those tweets caught the attention of the officials

of the Dominican Republic who arrested him when he docked there and they confiscated his yacht and guns. The police from the DR subsequently let him go, but it's not an all clear where he went from there since his freedom boat is now ironically impounded. Sir, before you ask you are being detained. Yes. Yes. Yes.

So all of this fucking bonkers shit has not stopped him from announcing that he is running for president, unsurprisingly, as a libertarian. Yep. Yep. Yep. Since he's constantly on the run, this is his plan. His plan is to have thousands of people wear rubber masks and cameras, so he can pilot them from afar and speak out of loudspeakers mounted on his rubber human cyborg surrogates while he campaigns.

What? What? Yeah. It's like Harrison Persia. That's happening. To be fair, he doesn't think he's going to win, but that's his plan. Also, not the craziest libertarian candidate by like a long shot, right? No, no, or the worst choice on the ticket. It's amazing too, because

McAfee is also a huge proponent of cryptocurrency, even going so far as to release his own physical cryptocurrency. Physical. So currency. It's, yep, it It's technically crypto because he makes you answer a riddle, I guess, but still. Rids aren't great. Guys, this guy is printing his own money. The money comes in seven denominations ranging from one McAfee redemption unit to 500. Four of the bills have depictions of McAfee in various states of undress, including one bill where he is surrounded by scantily clad women, his face covered in white power. What? He's also recently received a fair amount of attention for announcing that he believes

Bitcoin will reach a million dollar value by 2020. He believes there's so much he's publicly announced that if it does not reach a million dollar value by 2020, he will eat his own dick on live television. Nice. Actually said that. I don't think anybody's gonna air that though. Okay, Fox would air that never mind, never mind. As of this writing, Bitcoin is worth $7,741. Stay tuned because this shit ain't over. Yeah, stay tuned to watch a guy eat his own dick on TV. Oh shit. All right, the top of the page. The top of the page are on, right?

Get them on ours. Shots. All right, so I'm gonna chop. Yeah, chop. What's in the chop basket? Battle penis. Yeah. What's in the box? What's in the box? All right, so Tom, if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would

it be? And I thought I had a good time on vacation and believes, but I feel like I missed an opportunity. Yeah. You didn't do that hammock thing. All right, so are you ready for the quiz, sir? I'll fire up the poop hammock and let's see where it goes. Poop hammock. Poop hammock.

Alright, Tom, what's the motto of the mercenary unit of the soon-to-be dickless John McAfee employed? Hey, B all you can be had. B to protect and sever. C remember the Bitcoin dismember. All for one and one for skin. These are all so good, but remember, remember, Bitcoin dismember is going to get stuck in my head, like a fucking earworm. All right, it's safe. Sure. All right. Tom, which of the following is not a real tweet

on John McAfee's timeline right now that I'm looking at with my eyes? One of these is fake. Are you ready? I am ready. A two minute and 15 second video titled Prelude to the No Weed Symphony in a previously undiscovered key performed

under the influence of research chemo. Right. Um, previously undiscovered key. Is that what you said? Yep. It's a pitch. It's a pitch. It's a pitch.

It's a pitch. It's a pitch. It's a pitch. It's a pitch. It's a pitch. It's a pitch. It's a pitch. It's a pitch. It's a pitch. It's a pitch. It's a pitch. of a Photoshop picture of Jackie Chan standing in front of pictures of John McAfee. With a picture of John McAfee on his shirt.

Damn it. With the subtitle, The Real Drunken Master. Put your guesspitch at once. See. What? Uh, him promoting a podcast interview where he discusses Bitcoin, Monero, and other cryptocurrencies watch here. Or D, his pinned tweet, we're gonna give you guys 24 more hours to enter the Epstein didn't kill himself meme contest.

10% of all Wacked token up for grabs. To enter, follow Wacked token, post your best Epstein didn't kill himself meme using hashtag Wacked winners announced tomorrow Which of those is a fake fleet wait? Oh my god what token. That's like a like a Jeffrey Epstein's death related Bitcoin. That's what his Bitcoin's calling his oh Mac a feast. He's just got that's what his Bitcoin is called. It's called a wife. I thought it was an MR use Macafee's he's just got that's what his Bitcoin is called it's called a white. I thought it was an MR use of the Macafee redemption. You know, I think you're making that's his physical.

Oh, you're fucking right. God damn it. His crypto cryptocurrency is called WAP, apparently. Correct. They are all, they're all real tweets. They're all real tweets. You have to answer a riddle physically in with your mouth. And then you have to answer a riddle with the spreadsheet using and a T.I.

82 rap. The fuck is happening. All right, I got one more for you. Which of the following is the best preparation for eating your own penis? Obviously, this is important. Is it a cock of that is it B dick all around see shaft macaroni and cheese or D beef. Uh, not going to be strogan

off anymore. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Cut his dick off. Not me. All right.

Well, I grew up with the macaroni and cheese. I'm going to go withft macaroni and cheese just for weirdly nostalgic reasons that make me feel very uncomfortable about Father's Day. That was really close, but it was D beef not gonna be strogan off anymore. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh know what, heath automatically. Close. If it makes you feel any better, Tom, one way or the other, heath was gonna win based on the strength of that stroganoff joke. So, he will take home the crown this week and you'll decide who delivers next week's essay. Fantastic. I am gonna go with Noah for recognizing

the greatest pun I've ever come up with, the stroganoff joke, thank you. You're quite welcome. All right, well, for Cecil Eli Heath and Tom I'm Noah thanking you for hanging out with us today we'll be back next week and by then I'll be an expert on something else. Between now and then be sure to check out Eli and Cecil's new show and yet I dare call other people's hobbies nerdy and be sure to catch Heath Tom and myself on our new one

man show. Hey I thought you guys said you were going to be here at eight and if you'd like to help keep this show going you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us five star reviews everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media or check out the show notes. Be sure to check citation pod dot com. I'm missing Eli this time. Does Eli know we're missing him? He does not.

I wouldn't say we're missing him. God damn it. Cecil, can you hear me? I can. Can you hear me? I can hear everybody. I can hear Eli. Okay.

The only person who can't get off this call is me. I don't hear Eli either. So I think it's probably Eli, but I don't think he can restart. So you communicate. What I just saw is wrong. Restore as well. No.