Citation Needed - Joseph Smith

Episode Date: August 2, 2023

Joseph Smith Jr. (December 23, 1805 – June 27, 1844) was an American religious leader and the founder of Mormonism and the Latter Day Saint movement. Publishing the Book of Mormon at the age of 24, Smith had attracted tens of thousands of followers by the time of his death fourteen years later. The religion he founded continues to the present day, with millions of global adherents and several churches claiming Smith as their founder, the largest being The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church). Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

So everyone is saying they probably were nominated and turned it down because the awards are in China this year. The hostess is like weird pro-rushing guy, you know. Oh, have the author said anything? Not yet, no. Man, the Hugo's just can't get a year without drama, you know? There you are, guys. Guys, I have amazing news. Let me guess, dude. That bag is filled with golden plates.

Oh, my God god yes! But you can't show us because an angel told you not to. Yeah again yes. And you need us to front you some money while you translate them into a new book of the Bible. Exactly did you guys look to get an e-like we get it. This week's episode is about Joseph Smith so you're doing his stick but it's not gonna work. Yeah, man, super lazy. No, it's actually... Did they believe you?

No, looks like it's just gonna be you and me, Nephi. With the way you spell? No thanks. Yeah, that's fair. Hello and welcome to Cytation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Eli Bosnick and I'll be leading this mockery of the Marona tonight, but I'll need some Martins to join me in the harassment.

So let's meet three men. What is happening with them? Oh, there's a Martin Harris Mormon listeners gonna spread out in the sentence to So let's meet three men who are definitely white but not particularly delight some Noah heath and Tom Okay, I'm delight some I'm George Santos is Jewish right? By all admit it I'm the miracle whip of Cucacity that's fine

Well, I guess today I learned that delight some is a word and that I'm not it So that's a nice start for my day. I just I love with three minutes into more already like there's two deep cut Mormon jokes That times like what the fuck is happening already like there's two deep cut Mormon jokes that times like what the fuck is happening? Oh buckle in Tom buckle in I Google delight some I thought you made that word up. I that is an ugly word. It sure is. Before we begin tonight I'd like to take a moment to thank our patrons patrons if you're gonna learn anything from this week's episode it's that there are a lot of dumber ways to spend your money than on us. So thank you!

And if you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us, Tom, what person place, think, concept, phenomenon, or event? Will we be talking about today? Today we've been talking about Joseph Smith. And Noah, how the hell do we not already have a citation needed episode on just a man yeah no I was so shocked by that oversight that I had to like I did like four searches of all of our spreadsheets and then I asked him I'm like Tim I've got to be overlooking this but somehow no he has never had an episode so in my continuing effort to make Cecil regret taking time off

I wanted to follow up my Pat Roberts in essay with a complimentary historically evil hilariously hateable dead person. Fair enough. So Noah, tell us who was Joseph Smith. Okay, so to be honest, that's actually a pretty hard question to answer because virtually everything written about him was written with an intention other than accurate historical portrayal. Right? So like on the one hand, you have actual literal hagiography, but on the other extreme of the spectrum, you have bigots trying to persecute a religious minority by besmirching the name of its founder.

No, of course, to be fair, here Joseph Smith's name comes pretty much pre-smurched, I guess, so these bigots didn't have to try very hard. Yeah, and we call it at least some of those bigots former accomplices. Well, right, you know. You know. Yeah, also if discriminating against the inventor of a virulently racist, the misogynist religious scam

is bigotry, then I guess I gotta raise my hand and look for my new friends. Yeah, no, you're good, you're good. But that being said, there are bigoted reasons why one can hate a religion that isn't, you know, theirs. And that happens to Mormons as well as the legitimate hating them for just being misogynistic white supremacists. Anyway, broken clock.

Like, you're right. Yeah, right. Yeah. Right. So, but no, the key here though is it can be genuinely difficult to tease out the authentic history when you look into this. And I want to present both sides in this essay. So either Joseph Smith was repeatedly visited by angels who gave him excuses for showing

up to work late was gifted a golden Bible in an unknown Egyptian script along with a magic rock that he could use to interpret the writing on those golden plates on the condition that he never showed anyone the golden Bible or any evidence that it existed he translated the story of an unknown ocean crossing bronze H Jewish tribe in pre-Columbian America started God's one true religion continue to receive holy revelation that included God telling him to have sex with as many young women as possible start an army crush those who spoke against him and install himself as the king of america or the rest of this essay okay parent balance that's good like the new york times covering your e-gillard

that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that he can agree on. Joseph Smith was born at the tail end of 1805 in Vermont. He was one of 11 children of Joseph Smith's senior and Lucy Max Smith. Now it would seem that the elder Joseph was an overachiever in the field of underachieving. So after a few bad investments in ill-fated business venture and three consecutive years of crop failures, the family moved from Vermont to Palmyra, New York. This was in the Western portion of the state, which would later earn the historical name The Burned Over District for how easy it was for a Charlotte and to start a new religion

there. Which Mormon apologists would assure me, is irrelevant to the larger story, if you think about it. Yeah. Yeah. This religion's a little like bragging about beating Minecraft on creative mode. You know, side note, I never really understand the appeal of Minecraft until I saw that in that game,

you can just like run around eating pork chops. And so now when I play that game with my kids, I just, you know, run around and eat pork chops and then my kids eventually get mad and kill me with a pickaxe. And that I realize now is how I wanna die. Okay. And it's pretty similar to the story of Joseph Smith.

Yeah, right. Tie it back. Thank you, Heath. So that ends the part that everyone can agree on, because at the ripe old age of 15, little Joey Smith started a lifelong habit of pretending to be visited by angels. Often, at least at first,

they were the excuse he used for why he was too tired to work in the field all day. You know, he'd been up all night being visited by angels. He's also said to have engaged pretty heavily in religious folk magic, which the wiki on him defensively points out actually was very common and this time in place among Christians. So yeah, what are we talking here? Cups and balls, three roses, seven cards. What's the deal? Right, rose, it hurts. So now by all the non-hagographical accounts, Smith was a fantastically lazy individual.

Not only did he choose con artistry over honest work, but even his cons were lazy. Finally, something relatable. So when he was in his teens, he and a group of friends started making their living digging for buried treasure for a fee. So the way this con works is that you would go to some farm owner and you said, hey, I had a holy vision that there was treasure buried on your property. And if you let us dig it up, we'll split it with you. And then you use that to like secure food and lodging or you'll manufacture some financial crisis where it's like, oh man, I'd love to finish digging for that treasure, but I need to go make money to deal with this thing.

If only I could afford to stay because it was the same because we're so close. Okay, that's a weird con though, all right guys they fell for it and now we are Intentured servants in a farm and fucking up state New York digging a ditch to nothing Nailed it. Yeah, actually And now we wait. Yeah, I don't know what to do says the man with five podcasts. Yeah, right Um, and so okay, so not to derail the essay here, but I love this detail so much, I have to include it. Sometimes the treasure they were digging for would move.

Right? If you threatened to just like finish the dig on your own since you could see where they were digging the hole, God might decide to shift that treasure to the left or to the right, and you don't know where. And if you start getting skeptical. I'm putting on Oak Island, fuck know where and and if you start getting skeptical I put it on Oak Island fuck you guys Yeah, but if you start getting skeptical and you and you doubt the veracity of the holy visions

God might punish you by sinking the treasure even deeper into the earth And I should point out that in this gun Joseph's job was to have the holy visions not to dig the holes I love it. He had accomplices for that because even that was too much work for Little Joey Smith. Yeah, great essay Noah. I did not expect to feel a kinship with Joseph Smith when I woke up today. I'm here we are. That's my boy. So anyway, so about 10 years after he had a vision where literal Jesus and literal God appeared to him

in the woods and demanded that he reformed their church. He decided to tell anyone about it. Actually, he says he told a methodist preacher at the time, but that preacher dismissed the idea with such contempt that Joey was reticent to talk about it after that. Because you know how like on the one hand you've been commanded by the creator of all things to do something, but on the other hand, you're not super comfortable with confrontation. You air on the side of the ladder. It's like that.

But for a while anyway. But then he decides to start telling people about the decade old command from God. Okay, you joke Noah, but I know for a fact that there are people listening to this podcast who would way rather defy God than point out that someone had cut in front of them in line. So... I mean, really, the largest demographic in American history is right now afraid to answer a phone call from people they already know. We're throwing shade.

All right. Now, around this. But just text. What are you doing? Just text. Now, around the same time, he's either visited by an angel named Moroni or else he lies. Fun fact, lies are a thing that can be proven to exist. Anyway, he claims that the angel told him that there was a book made a golden plates and

there was also an ancient breastplate and a set of interpreters and some seer stoves. Anyway, they're all buried in a hill nearby and he should go get them and used them to restore Christ's true church So he went to get them But either the angel wouldn't let him or making fake golden plates turned out to be way harder than he'd assumed because he didn't get them The angel told him his princess was in another castle or something and then he should come back next year But in the following year a faking plates was just as hard, so he also didn't get them then. This charade went on for four years. God damn it, what? Until he eventually hit on the brilliant idea that he could just tell everybody that no

one was allowed to see the golden plates or hear him shake them. Okay, yeah, no shaking. I guess that works too. You can just change the original lie because you made it up about what God showed you. But he's such an idiot and he apparently was gaslighting himself about that God's vision of being true.

So he spent four years trying to find the lie and couldn't do it of course. And then he added a second lie about gold that can't pee when you're looking just like a new college man. Learn to lie better. No, no, no. And I don't give notes to shitty people all the time. I don't know why.

Just trying to come up with the best possible lie like George stands. Noah, Noah, I think I understand the book and the interpreters and the serenstones, but why the breastplate was, was he going to go conkeysed adoring about what the fuck is that for? Right, just this, I think. God forbid. Yeah, probably. So now it's worth interjecting here that Joseph Smith described the dimensions of these plates and he said they were made of gold. Now some folks have done the math on it

and they've determined that the plates would have weighed at least one hundred and forty pounds. Jesus Christ. That's 63 kilos, but regardless, he was able to recover them. Then rush home with them through the woods, while fighting off three attackers that he claims were trying to rob him and melt down God's precious gold. He's got a rush with 140 pounds. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a- Yeah, right, yeah.

Needless to say, nobody saw the attackers. That's why you've been a crossfit. I haven't been a crossfit before I found these. Yeah, right, I know, I was. Like a timing, really a timing, that's it. No, needless to say, nobody saw the attackers anymore than anyone saw the golden plates. I love how he keeps panicking and adding another life for no reason that just makes it harder for me. It brings up more questions like, hey, did you get the gold plates? Ah, yes,

but I got attacked by ninjas that and because I had there were leprechauns That's why I can't have wait why are there leprechauns? Yeah, I did say that there they gave me wings and I can fly now Why do I keep talking? You have to look away from the gold it's like Fun fact while Joseph did describe the dimensions of the plates and the height of the stack. He didn't say that the stack was all golden plates. A modern apologetic about the weight of the plates is that there was lots of air between

just a few hover plates. Yep, they made up the ancient. That's real. So by this time, he had married a young woman named Emma Hale, whose father strenuously objected to their union, because he was a known fraud. He'd already been arrested at this point, by the way, on charges of being a disorderly person in 1826 in New York

That's the year before he married Emma. This would not be his last arrest Yes, but an arrest would be Joseph Smith's last Yes, no, that's true. That's true of spoiler. So so now that he's got the plates trust me They're in a box. You just can't open it and look in it He needed the time and space to translate them, and that meant that he needed someone else, of course, to provide him with food and lodging that entire time. So he turned to his relatively wealthy neighbor, Martin Harris. Harris was a famously superstitious dude who'd inherited 150 acres of good farmland and

was a fucking pie on a window sill to a charlatan like Joe Smith. So he suckered Harris into underwriting the entire affair all the way through the printing of the completed translation. You know, it always kills me about these scams is how much fucking with just risk and work goes into just not getting a job. Right. It's like, it's like being too lazy to get the ladder from your garage so you spend 40 minutes

like balancing a stool on a chair on the coffee chain. They're trying to change the ladder from your garage, so you spend 40 minutes balancing a stool on a chair on the coffee chain, they're trying to change the light bulb. I fall a lot. Yeah, I fall. I want to emphasize this one more time. It cannot be overstated how widely known it was that Martin Harris was a fucking idiot. This is the turn of the century version of announcing that your new fact checker is Jacob Wool. Like that's how... Yes, this is a region called like Rubville, whatever.

Yes, of course. So we're like, charlatan friendly region. I think the king of Rubville, yes exactly. So okay, so Joey Boothed into a house that Martin was paying for and started translating this book, but because he was too lazy to actually dig the holes, he ended up dictating the book. First, it was wife and to Martin Harris and eventually to victims with better penmanship. Now, you might think to yourself, dictation would be a tough method to go about this if

you're lying about having gold plates, but no worries. Smith wasn't actually using the plates to translate directly, but rather the seer stones. Now the way this worked physically is that Joseph Smith would stick a magic rock in a hat. No, it would stop. No, it would get so much better. He would stick his face.

That's the most reasonable part. Yep, exactly. He's fucking shit, just, I, he would then stick his face into the hat such that it would cut out the light from all directions. No. And then he would tell the scribe what the magic rock says the golden plates say. So and for that, of course, you don't actually need the golden plates with you. So no shit, through much of the translation process Smith would just say that the plates were buried in a secret location you know so nobody could come fuck with after the leprechauns gave me the wings to the spot and buried them but I kept the sears

stone I'm doing the hat stone thing now so to be clear the rock the sear stones and the face hat were a ploy to buy him enough time to adlib a holy book while he was probably hallucinating from lack of oxygen for a punch that time I Was gonna say is do you ever think there were times when it like got stuffy in the hat and Joe's just sitting there thinking to himself I should have used an area or container my face is I should have used an area or container my face is more like a little so bad it could have just yelled from the backyard at least he didn't fucking complain about wearing a mask yeah I should just do different ghost lies from

the beginning I committed to a lot of this already now if all of this sounds impossibly stupid to you you're not alone. Among the earliest people to call bullshit on the enterprise was Martin Harris's wife and first cousin Lucy Harris. And after telling her husband dozens of times that he was being cheated, she said about proving it. So she conspired to steal several pages of the supposedly translated manuscript.

And then she challenged Joseph Smith to reproduce a verbatim transcript of literally any up Right now that would have been really easy to do if he was actually translating. I love her. Oh, she's the hero of the fucking story But but but it's really hard if you're just making up shit as you go along So needless to say Smith was not able to rise to this challenge instead So needless to say Smith was not able to rise to this challenge. Instead He said God was mad at him for getting those pages stolen and Bade him from re-translating them. Okay, but you know he tried to translate for a second He was like Jesus came to Binghamton. Fuck you. God said no to Bingham Tinney- Fuck you, God said no, no, absolutely not. So, my hooker by Crook and mostly by Crook, Smith did manage to get the entire book written,

and as a person who's read it, from cover to cover, I can assure you that it reads exactly like a barely educated guy who was making some shit up as he went along and was unable to ask how the paragraph he was in the middle of started. I believe Heath once described it as methadone for people hooked on phonics. It is a strong contender for the worst book ever written, but it turns out that wasn't enough to stop people from believing that it was divinely inspired by God. Yeah, I mean, true story. I once had an English teacher trying to tell me

that the Bible contains some of the most beautiful poetry ever written, so I dropped her class because no, it doesn't, not even close. Just wrong, not bad. So yeah, I guess writing quality is not an impediment to belief, is what I'm saying. Sure is, no, it is not. All right, well, turns out stupid is as stupid does,

so we'll take a quick break for some apropos of nothing. Lucy, Lucy, I have amazing news. What is it, Martin? So you know how you had your doubts about Brother Joseph? Yep, big time. What's up, buddy? What are we doing? I have now seen with my very eyes the seer stones. Oh, I'm going to regret asking this.

What are the seer stones? They're the magic rocks that translate the plates for Joseph. They glow with God's holy light and transform the text for him. Mm-hmm, and have you seen them glow, Martin? Well, no. Uh, no, they're just rocks when I've seen them, but, but Joseph has seen them glow. No, Martin! Martin, we talked about this. What did we say? Jessica's Joseph saw something doesn't mean it's real.

Doesn't mean it's real. Exactly. What about the pages we lost? Did he say anything about reproducing the pages? Okay, no, it turns out we can tell that story again. Well, there you go. We'll have a word for word translation and then... Oh no, no, it's from a slightly different perspective. But it's the same story, how Lalu here? Again, nope. Now what we talked about, what are we saying? It has to be exactly the same. It has to

be exactly the same. Yes, it's what we said. Okay. Martin, did you at least get him to show you the plates? Yes. Yes, I saw him just playing his day. Thank God, hallelujah Martin. In our last vision I had, well I was praying in the woods. I hate you so fucking much. There was an angel. No, there wasn't Martin.

There was an angel. No, there wasn't Martin. There was not And we're back when we left off Joseph Smith had upstate New York's nose and they were going to pay him handsomely for it. What happened night? So the Book of Mormon first went on sale in March of 1830. And it's been a bitch to get good seats ever since. Yeah. So a few days later, Smith formally organized his Church of Christ and a few weeks later he was arrested again for being so damned disorderly. And I'm not sure what the details are surrounding that one, but apparently he was acquitted, but still felt the need to dip the fuck out of town to escape from an angry mob. Yeah, an incident whose frequency is surpassed only by the end it came to passes in the

book itself. Yeah, no shit. Um, now just because the book was done didn't mean Joseph Smith stopped getting revelations from God if anything He actually got more revelations at this point But pretty soon the inner circle of leaders that had coalesced around him decided they wanted in on the action So they started having visions from God too But but then Joseph Smith had visions that their visions didn't count But they had visions that said yes they did actually count but then he had

visions that no they didn't double stamp no back says alright he's giving me a sealed envelope it says god triple stamps your double stamp okay that's pretty good that's i don't know how he did that he's missing god and i i want to be clear here. No, it's not joking. If you go on the Mormon Church's website and look at the official church canon in Mormonism it includes an angel coming to cancel out a Joe angel Canceling

canceling angels. Okay, but did anyone have a revelation while on base? Because I'm going to try that. I was on base. So suffice to say within minutes this church started to break apart, but the part that started the state with Joseph Smith headed west, I know this is 1830, so west was fucking Missouri, but on their way they stopped in a town called Kirkland, Ohio, where a charismatic preacher named Sidney Rigden converted his entire congregation to their religion and damn near doubled the size of Mormonism overnight. Around that time, Smith had a revelation that actually when

God had said Missouri, what he meant was Kirkland, Ohio. And it turns out that their promised sion was actually Eastern Cleveland. Okay, that should be all the evidence anyone ever needed that Joe Smith was not a profit. Like you got it wrong and also Cleveland. Yeah, when your profit is a Kirkland signature profit, that should be a bad sign. That is a bad sign. So Smith's version in cold grew quickly at Ohio, swallowing over 1500 members by 1835. And it was around that time that Smith had this new revelation from God about how everyone should give him literally all of their money. So they did. He set up this shady ass bank called the Curtlyn Safety Society. He gave all the

depositors fucking ye oldy board eight pictures or whatever any stole all the money like literally the bank failed three weeks after it opened uh... the bank closed a few months later permanently uh... with over a hundred thousand dollars and unresolved debt smith would personally get sued at least seventeen times over it so so the bank the cult his increasing political power and his notorious and well-deserved reputation as a CAD led to a general anti-Smith sentiment among the non-mormons in the area and a anti-mormon sentiment as well.

Eventually, a mob attacked Smith and his by then right-hand man, Sidney Rignan beat him unconscious, tartan feather them and let them for dead. Or I actually, I feel like left them for dead isn't overstatement. That's what it says on the Wikipedia article, but I feel like that's only true in the sense that anytime you leave someone without providing them with medical carry, it's for dead, right? Like, regardless, so they left them unconscious and tartan feathered. And that inspired Smith to keep moving west. Oh, oh, is that what did?

Oh, hey, Sydney old boy. I'm not sure we're gonna get invited back to the old potluck Hold still we can pick this burning tar from our seared flesh while in this nice rail we're being run out Good idea. I want this too. We're choosing this great. Yeah, right So Smith settled first in Western Missouri and established a city called far West and soon thousands of Mormons Followed from Kirkland This is about the time that shit boiled over with his inner circle and he expelled many of the most prominent members of his church Including the people who stepped in after Martin Harris back in the translation days members of his church, including the people who stepped in after Martin Harris back in the translation days, officially they were charged with misusing church property and finances, but the reality was that Smith

was just sick of the constant power struggles. Several of them would go on, of course, to found their own schism versions of Mormonism. Yeah, and like all bands, their solo stuff was way worse. It really was. The magic was lost. So Sidney Rigden remained by Smith's side, though. And in 1838, at a July 4 celebration, he started publicly talking about a war of extermination against all the non-mormons in Missouri. Now while that might seem a bit ambitious for an eight-year-old religion with maybe 10,000 followers, it's worth noting that Smith had a proto-Army of vigilantes by that point called the Danites. And the Danites saw action. After some scuffles over who didn't get to vote in the 1838 election, the Danites attacked

non-Mormons and eventually the Missouri militia in a series of skirmishes rather grand deliquately known as the 1838 Mormon War. At least 22 people would die in the fighting. Yeah, I always wonder about the guys who die early in like low stakes niche battles. Like, what does it say on their tombstones? Like, here lies Tom. He died as poinelessly as he lived. Yeah, no one is ever gonna be impressed by his number.

Yeah. So the war ended when Smith surrendered himself to authorities in November of 1838. He was charged with treason, but escaped custody and fled to Illinois. Now, to be clear, he was almost certainly allowed to escape custody. Since what the Missourians were after this whole time was like him getting the fuck out of the state and taking his Mormons with him, hanging him for treason would not accomplish that. Okay, but after he takes all the Mormons away, maybe go find them and kill them.

That was the plan. I'm sure they don't know. Oh yeah, you should have fucking done that. Absolutely, try to do that. Yeah. Did they try? Oh yeah. Now, so there's a period of several months

between Smith's surrender and his escape. And the whole time that he's in jail, Sidney Rignan is there with him. So the leader and the second and commander incarcerated, it ends up falling to a young and charismatic Mormon named Brigham Young to take charge. So he moves what Mormons he can get to another, this a different Promised Land. This God's third runner up Promised Land. This time it's in Illinois. A step sideways from Cleveland if ever there was one, am I right, Tom? Yeah, look, you're not wrong because this is not just Illinois, but West Central Illinois, which like if that's your promise land, you're going to want to

pawn the ring. Right? Now, obviously, I'm telling this story with a distinct anti-Mormon bias, but I want to be clear that there actually was some amount of genuine persecution going on simply because Mormonism wasn't one of the approved forms of Christianity. At one point, the governor of Missouri signed an order, expelling all Mormons from the state. And states aren't really supposed to forbid entire religions from them. There's a whole constitution about that. What if you sincerely hold that you hate that, right?

That's the story. What if you have a triple stamp, double stamp, a seal envelope angel? I was going to say no, you're dating this episode by our Supreme Court here. Right. It's far more progressive back then. So on top of that, most of the deaths in the Mormon war came during a mask killing at the hands of the Missouri militia known to history as the Hans Mill massacre. The point of all of this is that when the Mormons moved to Illinois, they were welcomed to the state as religious refugees. Yeah, welcome to lowered guard Missouri brothers and sisters. Have a gun!

Yeah, that's exactly what fucking happened, right? Because after survival, Smith parlayed all of that goodwill into an incredibly liberal charter for the new city that granted a virtual autonomy in governance, which among other things enabled Smith to fight off extradition to Missouri. The charter also authorized the Navu Legion, a standing military force operated by the settlement and independent of the U.S. military, despite the fact that Smith was presently charged with treason. What? Yeah, no, and upon inception, the Navu Legion immediately became the largest body of armed men in the state of Illinois. What is Illinois doing here?

Like, hey, welcome to the state. Is that 10,000 guys doing diverals? Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. They're seeing aggressive. Yeah. You want to make an army out of them that we can't control. You do whatever you want from now. What the fuck?

Navu was also the largest city in Illinois at the time as well. So now- Jesus what? Yeah. So it was around this time too, that Joseph Smith, well, I'm sorry, that God decided that Joseph Smith should be fucking more women. And isn't it a Kuwanky Inc.

that this literally happens always for every cult every time? It's, yeah, God always seems to want the same thing. Yeah. So in 1840 Smith would start quietly introducing the concept of plural marriage to his religion, though at first he restricted it to just himself and his inner circle. And to be clear, fucking women other than his wife was nothing new. It's just in 1840 he stopped officially lying about it. I'm sorry, sorry, he would continue to lie about it publicly throughout his life, but he'd admit privately to people who already agreed that he spoke for God that he was doing it

Right, and I also want to be clear that official Mormon doctrine is that Joseph Smith Didn't want to fuck all those women half his age, but God He was so worried about Emma. Yeah, so by 1842 The Mormons had pissed away whatever good will they were granted by their mistreatment and misery and failure repeat of 1838 Smith petitioned to have Navu declared an independent territory with the right to call out federal troops He was told to go fuck himself So he wrote to all the candidates for the upcoming presidential election asked if they would make his city its own Fucking state they also told them to go fuck himself. So he ran for president. Okay, Noah, even though I know he didn't win and that

this was 181 years ago, after the last few years, I still feel a little nervous. Yeah, I know. I know. I feel nervous telling you the story. Yeah. So what does Nate still ever say about this? So in 1844, Smith pissed off a few men in his inner circle by among other things proposing to their wives. And when they confronted him about it, he had them both excommunicated. So they moved one town over, started their own Mormonism,

and they put a printing press to publish an anti-Joseph Smith newspaper called the Navu Expositor. In their debut issue, they accused Joseph Smith of polygamy and of preaching a doctrine of many gods that said that men and women could ascend to godhood. Both of these allegations were true. This would be also their last issue as immediately upon reading the paper,

Smith ordered the Navu Legion to destroy their printing press. Okay, and you know some leader guy from the Navu Legion showed up and he was like, I would do a big moment, three, two, one, I'm gonna blow up this printing press. Okay. And you know some leader guy from the Navajo Legion showed up and he was like, I would do a big moment. Three, two, one. I'm going to blow up this printing press, but it didn't work. Nothing happened. It took way longer than he thought.

It's a really good, it's a good machinery right there. Just chisel it. So it turns out that that same amendment that forbids the expulsion of entire religions from a state also forbids the destroying of printing presses with government apparatus So upon realizing what a terrible idea this was PR wise Smith mobilized the Navu Legion That kind of forced Illinois's governor into mobilizing a detachment of the state militia But before it could come to full on battle Smith surrendered again and was again charged with treason. Sidney turns to a man. We end up surrendering mid treason attempt a lot, huh Joe? Like a lot.

So Smith and his brother Hyrum were jailed together at the Carthage jail and Carthage Illinois for a very lenient sentence of two days. Or life, depending on how you want to look at it, because two days after the pair arrived, the jail was attacked by an armed mob in blackface. Joseph, who had somehow managed to smuggle a gun into the jail, fired off three shots at the crowd, but ultimately he was overpowered, he was shot several times, he leapt from the second story window, hit the ground,

got shot several more times, and died. And may have tried to use magic powers on the people who were murdering him. Thank you, no. I feel pretty confident in that part. So there was a... Fuck. So five men were tried mimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimimim racist misogynistic liars to this day, Smith would be memorialized in a lot of different ways, but I'd say most notably in having his very own month on the God-awful movie podcast.

And if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? Most liars are trying harder than they have to. Tell me about it. And are you ready for the quiz? I was born for this quiz. Alright, Noah, which of the following is the best hint that maybe being more minutes fucking dumb? Hey, if a god decides to set up shop in upstate New York, no, it wasn't not a god. That's not a god. It's not a god. It's not a

B. The backstory for Mormonism has Middle Eastern white people from 4,000 years ago riding a wooded submarine across the Atlantic Ocean to Mexico and starting a civilization there. See, don't worry that submarine was tight as a dish. So it's not ridiculous. Yeah, those problems with the tightness, it wasn't tight as a dish. Yeah, D those white people with submarine technology from 4,000 years ago, also they had bones that disappear when they die and all their stuff ever same thing disappears. E, lots of volunteer work in the Mormon church

looks like a Megan's law scenario when you're going to work. Or pretty much the same look or F the average response at the front door is pretty much exactly the same as a Megan's law scenario to. So those are all great answers. I think though I'm going with secret answer G the per capita mannays consumption in the state of Utah. Correct. Well done. All right. Noah. Captain Manay's consumption in the state of Utah. He is?

Correct, well done. Alright, Noah. As he thunted, modern Mormons are known for their teenage missionaries, more than anything else, what are some lesser known rules that these teens live with for their entire mission? A. They almost always have their cell phones collected, allegedly to keep them from distraction, but more realistically to keep them from calling home something they're only allowed to do twice a year Jesus what? Be they aren't allowed to play basketball Unless it's half-court basketball

That's real what they can't play full court Why not? Wait, why? See? Because an angel said half-court. Oh, wait, it's just an angel said half-court. So an angel, like, it's all this running. So it's actually the best because Brigham Young had enough missionaries in a city that a group was like, hey, do you guys want to actually join our league? And the prophet at the time was like, I was just talking to an angel and he said,

don't get your ass kicked in basketball, no tournament's happening. See, this is my favorite and it is true. I have checked multiple sources. They are allowed to swim. What is that? Is that really real? It is on the LDS questions and answers website. Yes, it is 100% real. Can you take a bath? They can bathe, but they cannot swim. What if they fall into a river or something?

Are they just have to like, fuck, I'm not allowed to. Okay, can they swim for their lives? You have to just do that right, Chris. I hope you get drifted in the right direction. What if they have to swim for their lives, but they kind of like it a little, you know? I'm so glad you guys brought that up because both of the answers to both those questions

are amazing. One, why aren't they allowed to swim? Because there's a part of the book of Mormon that says the devil has mastery over the waters. And two, are there situations where people have drowned because they're like, I'm not allowed to swim, I'm on my mission. Yes, so they are told you're allowed to swim

if you fall into a body of water. Oh, great. And of course, D, people aren't tight as a dish. You gotta kiss that in mind. Exactly. And last but not least, D, they aren't allowed to ship with the door closed because they could be jerking off.

What if we percent true? We've checked with multiple missionaries. And whenever I see more of my missionaries now, my opening question is so you guys watch each other shit. And it's not. So, but I, for the answer to your question, Elam and go with secret answer W, because E through V are also stupid rules.

Secret answer W, all of the above. That is correct. All right, Eli, Maroni is a stupid fucking name for an angel. And it sounds like a, a Mormon weird-al-cover of my Sharona. Okay. B an off-brand pasta for complete idiots or C the word moron is right there guys it's right in the

word it's really we deserve this he's moroni. All right well heath was allowed to swim as a teenager so he wins. Okay next, let's get something from Eli. Oh. Curious what's on your mind these days? Yeah, I gotta check the cycle. All right, well for Tom, Noah, and Heath, I'm Eli Bosnick.

Thank you for hanging out with me. Isn't yours just obvious lie right now? Mine is, yeah, I think it's obvious lie. Oh, it's perfect. It's perfect. Oh my goodness. Excellent, it's all working out. Anyways, we'll be back next week and by then I will be an expert on something else.

But we know and then you can listen to us make fun of religion every week over on the scathing atheist god awful movies and cognitive dissonance. And if you'd like to keep this show going you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us a five star review every where you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod dot clom. And then an angel sat on to down to... Sorry, Eli Angel is A-N-G-E-L, not LE, that's Angle. Oh shit, really? We're gonna have to go back. Seriously?

Get plates in English next time!