Citation Needed - Le Petomane

Episode Date: February 6, 2019

Le Pétomane (/ləˈpɛtəmeɪn/, French pronunciation: ​[ləpetɔˈman]) was the stage name of the French flatulist (professional farter) and entertainer Joseph Pujol (June 1, 1857 – 1945). He was famous for his remarkable control of the abdominal muscles, which enabled him to seemingly fart at will. His stage name combines the French verb péter, "to fart" with the -mane, "-maniac" suffix, which translates to "fartomaniac". The profession is also referred to as "flatulist", "farteur", or "fartiste".[1]   Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Dude Taco Bell was a bad idea. Taco Bell is never a bad idea. What are you talking about? Isn't it though? It's gonna be okay. It really is. I know, I know. Jesus!

Hey guys, what's up? What are you doing? You remember our friend Steve, right? Of course. From the live show. Yeah, well, I guess he was in a car accident this morning and his wife just called to say they're taking him off life support. Tom Cecil, I'm so sorry to hear that. Thanks, guys. Yeah, so if there's, um, anything we can do, just, you say the word.

Yeah, honestly, I don't know. I mean, I don't know that I'm okay to record right now, you know, just, you guys mind maybe putting this off till next week of course, don't even think about it. It's just, you know, these people are, so integral to your world that, I don't even know how to live in a world without them, you know, these people are... So integral to your world that... I-I don't even know how to live in a world without them, you know? Like, I know this seems silly.

But it's just genuinely don't. Yeah, I got it, Tom. So, let's just go home and come back... Next week. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you just... shit your pants?

Yes. Hello and welcome, Citation Needed. A podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet. And that's how it works now. I'm Heath. And parts are funny. Sure hope so. From the next night, there's our usual panel of man children,

first up, three boys who looks good when they back that gas up. Please welcome Noah Cicilentom. Hey, I'll tell you, before I came along, it didn't even make sense for the word to end in art, okay? And I'm the methane man of the Poo Tang clan myself. And I've, it backs up so long I've begun to ferment. Seriously guys, I'm gonna love problems. I need help. And Eli is also here. He is. See, see, I knew I never should have taken my butt pads out. It, no, this changes every time.

Always start. And before we get started, we'd like to give a big thanks to all of our patrons who do not hate Native American people. And if you agree, think about donating, uh, up above nothing, I live about 10 minutes away from Covington Catholic and I'll do almost anything for money. And with that out of the way, tell us Tom, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event, are we going to be talking about today? I distressingly enough. Today we'll be talking about le Petomé and Eli. You grossly misread the article

or are you ready to make up stuff and get corrected? All right, tried my best and that's all that matters. He's no, no, it's not at all. None of that internal side note when Eli wrote that and his notes, he wrote, I'm a tried my best. Everything with a great assault. Big, great assault. All right.

Eli, so who was LePado Man? Well, he was a French shoman star of the the Mulan Rouge, entertainer to kings and commoners. Eli, Eli. He was a professional farder. He farted. There it is. There it is. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Yeah. Before I get into the details of Loupette de Ma, it would be who of us to mention that flatulence of the flatulist arts or professional farting has a long and storied history. Noah, am I doing this right? The side note thing. But no, you haven't brought up the atrascans at all. You still be who've be who've and you wrote that in the notes for me before I wrote the

I'm thing above that. So no, I don't think well, I tried it. You know, no, I don't think so. Well, I tried. Did you? No. No. Okay. Nope. No. Professional farming is an ancient profession with references dating back to ancient and medieval times. Is it? Is it? Yes. Yes. In his work, City of God,

none other than reliable historian, St. Augustine mentioned performers had quote such command of their bowels that they can break wind continuously at will. So is to produce the effect of singing. And quote, oh, come on. Literally citation needed. It says citation needed right after this claim. Any article tries to claim somebody witnessed this phenomenon and that it's confirmed in an essay at which point it literally says which fucking essay liar Eli Bosnick is alive. I thought that citation me just meant that like, hey, this is good for your show.

I was like, whoa. So Eli, I followed up on this. Nothing surprises me. Yes. With my own copy of City of God, turns out that the very next sentence, Augustin says, he knew a guy who could sweat at will. And then he follows up with he knew a guy who could pretend he was dead so well that you could light parts of him on fire and he wouldn't flinch. Who's the first guy to test it? So maybe we just reject wholesale the book by the guy who was desperately making shit up to prove there was a God.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah, and see, so I also have my own copy of City of God, but mine's on DVD. And I haven't watched it in years. Just years on DVD. I may have to rewatch wind talkers after this. Wind talkers is probably on the list now. Our audience can make up their own minds.

Wind talkers here, they're both sides, equal sides. Good people on both sides. Anyways, in medieval Ireland, professional farders were known as bragatarrr. What? What? And they're listed among the musicians and performers of the court of Tara. Fun fact, in that little thing that they're listed in, they are ranked on the lower end of performers in the tech mid-Darlinica.

And this is just above. And I swear this is real because I Google book the fucking source to make sure they are listed just above magicians. That actually tracks because I mean, Eli's been studying the slide of hand on this for years, but he still cannot fart without visibly shitting. So, I think at our recent history, there were audiences that thought, you know, I can't actually watch him shit, but I sure do want to be around so I can smell and hear it. A little fun fact, performance farting is still not high brow, but it does rank slightly below podcasting, but above watching the state of the union address.

And it does. No, I'm sorry. Based on the intro, Skit Tom, I feel like it's tied with podcasting. Fair. Now, the first named professional fighter appears to be a man named Roland, the fighter who according to record, really, really the one career. Right. the farder who according to record really really the one career right. Yeah. We're going to record was awarded Hemman Stone Manor in Suffolk and 30 acres of land

in return for his services as Jester to King Henry II where he performed Unum Saltum at Cifalung at Unum Bum Bum Bum or for the uneducated one jump one whistle and one fart every year at Christmas. Jump in Jagflash. He's got gas, gas, gas. This seems like a dangerous way to have to make your living like you wake up the morning of that big performance. You stretch relax just a little too much. Boom. 40 seconds later, you're deflating rapidly zipping around the room, corining off the walls. It's a dangerous profession. Now, professional farting wasn't just a Western phenomenon. Flatulists are also listed in the Nikkuku as,

happy, Otoko, or farting men and are depicted on ancient scrolls from the Edo period in the midst of and I am not making this up, you can Google it, Hey, Gasson or fart contests. These contests as far as we can tell, involved farting on your opponents, fanning your opponents farts back at them and farting a cat off of a horse. Okay, so I googled that. You suggested maybe we could Google that. And no, don't do that. It's none of that stuff. Don't ruin this for me. And everyone at home, there's one single scroll, one scroll, not a number of them. And it's title is Heygassen, which does mean fart competition. But we're 30 seconds. A political cartoon about social change, not a piece of sports journalism about literal

farting tournaments. So yeah, let's be perfect here about this. The precedent that's been set now, we're using seriously Google it bluffing at this point. That's part of the show. Right. What I'm saying is that nobody knows you weren't in Japan. He wasn't Japan. You know what he, you know, for me, it's about ethics and farting journalism. That's what it's about for me. Like, I know it's not true, but I just want to revisit the farting

account off of a horse situation. I have so many general questions like, what are the rules for this game? Like does the fart have to blow the cat off or could it jump at the sound? I need so much more information on this. I'm looking to compete just as we'll see until you set all that. I was pictured a guy standing on a horse blowing a cat out of his ass. So your way makes way more sense though. I think that's probably it. I was thinking more like you line up like jousters and then you can

ride 20s out there. Yes. Each cat holds a human ass place fully, right? You see? You see this? You see what comes when people use their imaginations, he said, you look silly right now. You could have come up with possibilities for the cat farting contest. All right. Eli, I think we all have a firm historiography of our forebears. But what about Le Petemain? Well, Le Petemain is the piece second to the art form. The story then involves a lawsuit over the ownership of Farts, a childhood swim gone terribly

wrong, and the horrors of World War One. All right. Well, I don't think any of us can wait to hear how the Duke boys get out of this pickle, but first, take a quick break for some offer of nothing. Hello everyone, it's me, the world famous filter, Le Petonman. I hope you're enjoying my very own episode of Sateshan Nidal. But while you're here, why not pick up my very first solo album, Petoma Farts the Classics. With hits like, my fuck will go on.

You also win beneath my wings. I want something upbeat. How about don't go breaking my fart. This is our podcast. I am never quitting my job. This is the ghost buster. We added this for content. Somebody kill me. I don't want to see. Oh my god, I used to be a proud man. The Phantom Man Fossil classics. Now I'm not to.

These sell and Tom have master's degrees. I could have went to sleep. Like I was real tired and I was like sitting at home and I was like, man, I could go to sleep and be amazing. Oh, my fucking father was in the hospital. I left the hospital to come here and do this. You win. I gotta go listen to someone pretend to come here and do this. Oh God, you win. I gotta go listen to someone pretend to fart

the ghost buster's thing, stand on your head. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. And we're back.

We're also allowed to vote. So, then really went terribly wrong. So for real this time, Eli, who was Lepetoman? Born in 1857, the son of a comfortable family of Catalan stone masons, the Patal Mons, real name, was, again, again not joking Joseph Poole Some pronounce the name with a silent J Poojo, but they Rooting my jokes Less silent That's definitively not so. But you very much less silent than you were the opposite of silence.

You said it. You said it. It's like the, you said the silent. Like the K and knife. You go knife, right? Yeah. That's the way it is. So what you're saying, he lies that he came from a long line of people who laid bricks

for a living. God. Exactly. Now, he first discovered his talents at the age of 10 while on a seaside trip with his family, according to an article written about him, first published in Lounge Magazine. Wait, he was tanning and he didn't know he could fart before he was tanning.

Well, the fart. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. We get back to Lounge Magazine. Like, what the fuck is in Lounge Magazine? Just like pictures of people reclining and then reading magazines. This is it. It's articles about 10-year-olds farting a parent. This article. So here's verticals about 10 year olds farting a parent.

It's article. So here's the quote. Sounds like a good magazine. Well, preparing to dive beneath choppy ocean waters, he took a deep breath, inadvertently contracted his abdominal muscles. Suddenly, he was pierced by an icy sensation. Panicked. He returned to shore, where he noticed a flood of sea water emanating

from his bottom. He eventually realized that unlike other boys, he could suck water up his hind end at will and then project it out with frightful force. Jesus, he locked a French proctologist would later record a record five meters spout from the adult pool. And quote, this proctologist gives me faith in humanity. Some guy, some guy shows up asking if his rectum might be unhealthy. And the doctor's like, well, I'll need to know how many meters high you can spout water for five. Did you say five meters? Great.

Okay. I'll be right back. I'm just going gonna get those tests. I'm not about to start a betting pool with the whole office about how to make it. Testing. He's getting gigs on the weekend as the base of a chocolate fountain.

Oh, shit. We can just be clear this guy can at a whim suck objects into his own anus. Like, is he the only guy who can give oral anal? Well, he's the only one that we know about yet, Tom, but to be fair, I didn't realize I was looking until just this minute. So.

Now, as anyone who had the nickname chunk for most of their life will tell you, this made young Joseph tremendously popular. Or maybe he had a really cool personality. There's a lot of different reasons. You don't know. It was. He's a way still lonely on the inside.

Okay. I can squirt water out of my belly button while I do the trouble. Five meters in the air. Live show. So according to the same article, it was said of the young pool that he could quote, wash your walls with just a bucket and a squat. And I quote, I don't think so. I'm thinking that should be a negotiation point for Nancy Pelosi.

That's a. That's the world's only power washer that gives things more patina. Also known as the inventor of the squatty potty. That's his thing now. It's true, but like all great artists, Puhol honed his craft. And soon learned he could suck up air as well. By varying the force at which he pushed air out, he could produce notes of various tones and qualities.

He quickly incorporated this into his repertoire of entertainments and was known to serenade his classmates and friends. Is there a song that you start out practicing when you like just get started like chop stinks hot sauce buns? Stinkle stinkle little star. This part of the story at least I believe like a kid with an ass harmonica would be the bell of the ball So after school Pooholl entered the army where he earned his Nick and later stage name the Fatal Ma which translates into the fart maniac. I'm fluent Tom. I can't help So the fart maniac, I'm fluent, Tom, I can't help this. I'm a maniac. Maniac. And he's doing the flash dance routine the whole time he's holding his butt like a little

kid trying to do the poopy dance, you know. Yeah, he actually was also the original wind source for that Memorex commercial. One take though. One take. Wow. And to think that like until now, I was indifferent about the fact that he drinks the wine at the end, but now Now after his military service he returned to Paris where he tried to work as a baker and

Trombonist but with his mouth, but nothing took Eventually he developed an act towards his real talents of course and in 1892 he premiered on stage at the one, the only Mulan Rouge. I just love that for a time he tried to pretend that like this wasn't what he was going to do for a living, right? Like, you know, he's like, maybe I could be a trombonist, like, like a four year stage of, I'm more than just far too, though, it's, I, I, I see why Eli picked the topic as well. You get it. Rusty Trump bonus. Yeah. So what exactly did he do for his act though?

Like, I mean, how long is farting funny? Oh, so far about four years. He don't jinx it. But for the petal man, his act was 90 minutes long. What? I'm not understanding your question. Heath, like, is there a time to come when maybe farting won't be funny

because I don't wanna live in those times. Yeah. He opened his show with a cornucopia. If it was solid, it would be a peanut copia too. So. Porsche. It's a cornucopia and general overview of the different kinds of farts.

According to thestraightdope.com, quote, he would proceed with a program of fart impressions as it were, the timid fart of the young girl, the hearty fart of the Miller and the fart of the bride on her wedding night, almost inaudible. The fart of the bride a week later, a lusty raspberry and a majestic 10 second fart, which he likened to a courtier, cutting six feet of Calico cloth. End quote. Sounds like cutting cloth. 1890's Heath is just sitting in the front row, listening intently and shivering with his

weird erection. Oh, did you see the commercial for Michelob? I did. Oh, the A.S. of our world for the Super Bowl, yeah. Oh. What? And Macco Roy doing it.

That was awesome. So from there, he would fart the alphabet, imitate Rolling Thunder and the sound of any animal on request. You know, there's one dude in the back during the animal session is like, Free Bird! What? What?

What? That's an animal. It's a bird. This guy would have been the world's best ventriloquist. That's a very low bar, though. Ventriloquists are awful. Don't be ventriloquist. That's they are. They are awful. That's true. He then went on to do celebrity impressions and of course play musical instruments using his dairy air. Okay, if he could do impressions, but like of the smells, I'd be impressed. Ladies and gentlemen, this one is Courtney Love. I'm thinking like impressions of like your evening, but like as an improv thing, like, all right, everybody shout them out. I heard, oh, what a hair. I heard Yeager bombs cocaine and Waffle House of 5M. Got it. Like, like I said, Courtney love. Here we go. This guy seriously has the best, this one

time at band camp story ever. I just, I love the thought of like his salary, right? There's just like some bitter dude in the background going like I've been doing his fart prescient of Henry Cabo last three years and I gave him his suck water into my ass but whatever no, it's fine, he's great, he's amazing. He's a fresh real fucking brilliant and then for his finale he would blow out a candle across the stage and then smoke a cigarette to celebrate from both ends at the same time. And then he died of ask it. Jesus. I used to be impressed with a ping pong show like this guy just up the Annie significant.

Right. All right. Eli, so like how popular was he? What are we talking on Patreon? He was racist white guy who gets paid to tell other racist white guys. It's because they're so smart level successful on rage. He sold out houses at the Moulin Rouge for three years. And his audience included Edward Prince of Wales, King Leopold II of the Belgians and Sigmund Freud. Wait, wait, three years.

Jesus is like the blue man group of its time. Someone's throwing marshmallows in his ass from across the state. Just gobbling up. Boom, boom, boom. Yes. I'm full now. I'm really full now.

Oh, Eli, you could take Freud off the list. Like, that's like impressive or something, because I think, yeah. I think catching Freud with asterisk is sort of like shooting Dixon a barrel spare. I'm curious. It is. If he'd had to invent time travel,

his audience would have included taking Freud, yeah. So Side note, a lot of people get his act wrong. He appeared fully dressed on stage with only a very tasteful tube leading out the back of his pants. But he often held special in the nude private shows for wealthy male only audiences to prove there was quote, no trickery in his anus. Sir, you and I have never met before. Is that correct? Great. Great. Now, please verify this is a perfectly normal colon. The springs, no levers. Great. I'll go ahead and pass it around.

Verify. Let's get a two hang out on his ass. And half time he put hamsters in the tube and teach your gun him into the crowd. And remember, guys, there's no sex in the VIP room. Well, unless your VIP room involves an asshole that sucks and blows it will, then I'm pretty goddamn sure there's sex in the VIP room. And there should be. Now while at the Mulan Rouge, she was one of the highest paid performers in the world. Again, according to the straight dope.com, that bastion of newswear thing. He made 20,000 francs a week. For comparison, the legendary French actress Sarah Bernhardt made 8,000 francs a week. Wow, seems like a pretty sweet deal, making money.

It was, but he, his life was not free of troubles. In 1894, the Mulan Rouge sued him successfully for breach of contract when he performed at a friend's bakery to help his business for free. I think we were pregnant. The weird stuff. It's you imagine coming into the bakery right after the performance. Ooh, those onion rolls smell fresh. Fresh.

You know, like, sometimes you'll bake bread when you're selling a house. Like, what the fuck has to happen in your bakery when you think, ah, sometimes you'll bake bread when you're selling a house, like, what the fuck has to happen in your bakery when you think, ah, the only thing that's going to save my bakery is in your ass. Oh, and when I emphasize that Tom is asking a rhetorical question for humorous purposes, Eli, no need for the jaw stimulus. All right. Well, give me a sec.

I got to delete this then from the Google talk, which someone had told me before I wrote all this. Anyway, those all spreadsheet. I am scrolling. I'm scrolling. Okay. Outrage that his last le pata ma started his own theater company called le theater,

pom pedo. Where he quit from the lounge article again, quote, surrounded himself with a talented troop of minds, magicians and clowns who recreated various folk and fairy tales set to pooholes music. And quote, Mime does the hurricane bit other Mimes point out he's cheat. This did not sit well, as you can imagine, with his former bosses at the Mulan Rouge, who replaced him with a female impersonator who they called La Fam Pataman. And who performed via a hidden bellows under her skirt.

When Puhol found out he sued them and the resulting trial, which sources disagree on the outcome of, was heavily covered in the press, with headlines such as, money doesn't smell and one fart chasing the other. Come on. According to one source, when the fraud was discovered, the head of the Mulan Rouge made a public apology and retired the imitators act. She actually was ordered to donate all the proceeds to his college, the fart institute. You know what's weird?

When you're publicly embarrassed that you didn't fart. All right. embarrassed that you didn't fart. All right, so did he live happily ever after? What happens? Well, he's sort of in a incredibly tragic turn of events. The horror of World War One was too much for Lepathaman and he retired from the stage and opened a bakery in Marseille and then later a biscuit factory in Toulon. An air biscuit factory. Yeah. Well, though, good ballistic missile technology was in its infancy back then. I haven't heard like hell for the guy. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, assuming his death fart played dust in the wind at his own funeral. So according to the lounge article, quote, a Parisian medical school offered Pouholt's

family the sum of 25,000 francs for the privilege of exploring the late great entertainer's rectum. And though his sons would later admit that their easygoing father probably wouldn't have minded and their family could have used the money, they simply could not take such an offer under any circumstances. His eldest son, Louis, exclaimed, there are some things in this life which simply must be treated with reverence. End quote. Okay, I'll be the first one, but I'm just going to put this out there for $25,000. You don't have to wait until I die to explore my rectum. Have at it. All right.

Besides exactly what Tom just said, if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? Is it a coincidence that he's so eager to wrap things up after Tom named a price? You'll never know. You'll never know. What did I learn? I learned that there is way way too much in depth scholarly writing on farting. I mean, I literally provided a citation on the Wikipedia page for this

article. When I am dead and forgotten, my citation of an academic paper of what his theater was called will stand as a monument to my existence. He's a monument. Right. And are you ready for the quiz? That was a yes fart, right? monument. Right. And are you ready for the quiz? That was a yes, fart, right? Yeah. Okay. How about I start off with the question on everybody's mind. Why isn't professional farting a thing anymore?

A, right? The gas shortages of the 1970s. Is it B, listening to assholes is mostly done with podcasting now. C, farti-semo is a pun that I didn't work into the show. So I'm using it now. Or was it D? No, seriously, I'm asking for real. You said you studied this shit. Why did this art form die so prematurely?

Well, it's too close to my fart. So I'm going to go with B. Listening to assholes is mostly done with podcasts now. That is correct. Nice. Nice. All right, Eli, I'm clearly starting a new career. What should I use for my stage name?

A, Paul Manifar. B, Rascal, Flakka, C, Shark Garf. Well, you are you, you, you, you, well, he, you are a little bit country. So I'm going to go with B, Rascal, flat, flat, flat, so that is correct. Nice.

That is what I should use. We're all familiar with term, shard, it's a portmanteau of shit and fart. It describes every experience Eli you've ever had with passing gas. What is a less common fart portmanteau? When someone asks a question and you reply with flatulence, the impart, B, when you create one so massive it creates an alternate universe or the counterpart. See, when you let go of one alone, but someone comes in before it's dispersed, the worry

wart or D one so strong it bars entry or the stalwart. As a man who has a dog and now never has to worry about see again, I'm going to go with B, the counterpart. You are maybe right. I don't know. All right. Yep. Sure. Nailed it. All right. Eli, I noticed that there was no news on Lepetal Mounds love life. Thank you, Tom. Tom gets it. I got your back. But why is this? A, with an

ass like that, what does he need a woman for? And A, that is a, you only need one answer and it's the a well done Eli you went four for four you are the winner fantastic well with my history of scholarship there's only one person who can follow it I'm gonna pick Tom for next week. All right. All right well for Tom Noah Cec, Cecil, and Eli. I'm Heath, thanking you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week, and by then, Tom will be an expert on something else.

Between now and then, you can hear Tom and Cecil on cognitive dissonance, and you can hear Eli know and myself on God awful movies, scathing atheists, and the skeptic rat. And if you agree that Black Lives Matter, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod. And if you'd like to get part of this, listen to past episodes, connect with us on social media, or take a look at the show notes, be sure to check out citation pod dot com. Nene, nene, nene, nene, nene, nene, nene. Bop! Oh, shut myself. That one's for the blue burial.

You guys get that one? Ah, look at Boris' face. I shit myself.