Citation Needed - List of Unusual Deaths (The Greeks)

Episode Date: September 25, 2019

There is no way to summarize this episode. --- Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.  

D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- Citation is needless. Oh friend, though I am grateful for your offer. I have no need of such a thing. I thank you. Aha! It was a trick! For I am really Noah's Zousins and you shall be punished for your malice. I will shackle you forever to a giant beast. All that you love will be destroyed and you shall be in it up but um thought the iPad was toast again and so I broke it again again Tom why would even make a white one it just and also there's a lot of jelly in your chair now That's fine. Thanks. I'm always so forgiving. As I was saying, you will be cursed and all your objects will be destroyed.

Yeah, I think I'll figure it out. Yeah, I get it. Oh, Cecil! It's the most terrible one. Is it the iPad again? No! I broke a lot of my teeth though. It's the iPad again, Tom. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, we read a

single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Noah and I'm going to be performing this post-mortem, but to do that I'm going to need some assistance. First up, two men whose obituaries are all but guaranteed to contain the words shortly after he left the bar, Cecil and Heath. In my case, it's gonna be a toll house bar, so... So much more.

Delicious. I am also fat and drink a lot. Yeah. Probably dies still inside the bar, from being honest. Yes. That's clutching a grilled cheese or something. And also joining us tonight, a man who will most likely die from shoving too much sausage in his mouth, and a guy who's gonna die from shoving it into a different orifice, Tom and Eli.

Oh, stupid Noah, you can't die from being this happy. Ibit. Alright, so before we go any further, I'd like to thank all the patrons on behalf of all the non patrons. They paid for your episode this week, guys. Maybe drop a note and don't rely on me to remember to thank them for you, huh? And if you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show.

And with that out of the way, tell us, Heath, what person-placed thing concept phenomenon or event? What will be talking about today? Eli is your read off a list of so-called unusual deaths. Hmm. I hope none of them are as lame as choking on a grape. read off a list of so-called unusual deaths. Hmm. I hope none of them are as lame as choking on a grape. So Eli, you... Ah!

Ah! Ah! Was a grape ripe? I don't remember this one. Eli, I'm sure you were already reading this for inspiration. So are you ready to tell us someone else's lies for a change?

I sure am Noah. All right, so how did people die? It's Eli's fault. He fucked up the normal format. I was just asking questions. Who was unusual deaths? I did. Me.

Indeed. I did. Now regular listeners to the show will know that we'd love to talk about the snuffing out of human consciousness here on the site Hish needed podcast, but Damn it if there aren't some stories just too short to put a whole episode on well luckily the subject of our show Wikipedia dot com is here with a list of unusual deaths and this list is a veritable gold mine so much so that for this humble episode We're able to limit ourselves just to the ancient Greeks.

Now, this has two benefits. Most of these stories aren't true, and all of them are about white people. So laugh it off your own laugh. Yeah, but they're definitely not straight pride parade white people. So only three quarters laugh instead, you know, right? Well, call it three fifths. That was our fault. This is horrible. They call it three fifths. Yes. That was our fault. This is horrible. They call it five thirds left.

That was double at the way people. That's extra. We're the worst. No conversation about death in ancient Greek would be complete without some mention of the deaths in ancient Greek mythology. Now, while many of us are aware of the modern water down versions, the original Greek myths would give saw a run for its money. They'd make the brothers' grim say, wow, you guys like, we any need to tone it down.

Also, the original version of our stories are anti-Semitic propaganda and not enough people acknowledge that. Are they? No, that's true. Yeah. As also true of my Pesat's owner manual, actually. Really? See that? That... holy shit, page 36 for proper maintenance applied gasoline to the rest of the people. That's how you were making that part of the holy shit. Right, so before we get to the bullshit based on actual people, I feel like we need a quick overview of the bullshit that was based on bullshit.

And if anyone is qualified audience to talk about bullshit, that is correct. Quick heads up, I'm gonna use the Joseph Campbell and James Frazier version of these myths because they are the best. You might have heard different or wrong versions of these myths, but take it up with the creator of the hero's journey.

You wanna take it plebians? No, no. Wrong version of myths. Comparative mythology scholarship really did peak in the late 40s is what we're saying. Thank you. Golden Bound. My fucking junior year English teacher

has such a fucking boner about this right now. Also a whole lot in class. High school is traumatized. I'm not sure. All right, first up is where it all began. The origin of the gods themselves and the story of Kronus. Now almost everyone's familiar with this. Okay, wait a minute. I'm sorry. This origin of the gods themselves story starts with a bunch of gods in it.

That's right. Okay. I just want to be super clear here. He's a Titan. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. Now almost everyone's familiar with this myth, but just in case you aren't, here's a short version. So Kronus, self-rethrows his father who is a different god to become king of the universe. And as soon as he does his wife, Reia, tells him, like, hey, I got some good news bad news on this prophecy thing.

I'm going to bear you in air, but that air is going to kill you and take your throne just like you did to your dad. Why shouldn't keep this to herself is beyond me. Honey, yeah, good news, bad news. Bad news, the baby that I'm having is gonna murder you and take your throne. That being said, good news, not a girl. And, and Cronus was like, yeah, we'll figure something out.

Anyway, Cronus doesn't want that. So he eats every male child that she bears him. After a couple dozen, you know, super awkward delivery room experiences, Rhea decides to trick him, and when she gives birth to her son Zeus, gives him a stone to swallow instead. The King of the Universe didn't know the difference between his own son and a rock, even after eating like a bunch of his own babies. Right. He has some reality show because it's a familiar story.

Can I get some like mayo? It's very dry. Is that granite and not a baby? Great insight to Heath that he wrote that joke with mayo instead of water. I wouldn't have asked for mayo if I thought about it ahead. Gross. Zeus grows up, probably goes to boarding school, comes back and rips off his dad's dick. Oh, yeah.

What? That's right. He doesn't punch him in the stomach. That's what you learned in school. He rips off his dick and it's so painful that Krownis vomits out all of Zeus' brothers and sisters who are, of course, still alive. Better job at keeping kids alive than ice. So who are we to judge? Like hey, dad

Really quick. Do me a favor and take your dick out No, I just want to show you something. It's just normal normal dick stuff Still weird to spark a thing about this story because like at this point Chronos is never met Zeus right? So like there had to be like this Those awkward moment there were a quote.ronos was pretty sure he was into this. This is a legend. So the newly vomited gods wore with their brothers and sisters of Kronos and damned them to the underworld for all time. And that's how Greek mythology begins.

Now if Greek mythology has a moral, it's don't piss off the gods, which brings us to the death of Erysitian. The all I cared about in this whole essay was listening to you pronounced that and you disappointed me. Sorry. So according to the myth, this greedy king refused to pay homage to the gods

and even went so far as to cut down one of Demeter's sacred groves to make room for a feasting hall. As punishment, Demeter cursed him with an unquenchable hunger. Uh-oh, okay, okay, look, if we're gonna do Tom's origin story, I think we should do everybody's origin story. Airseachy on, he eats all the food he has, then all the food he can buy until he's penniless. Then he sells his children in slavery for food. You're own.

Until finally, penniless, and with no children in dislavery for food. You're own until finally penniless and with no other option, he eats himself. Kelly, and Dave. That's tricky though. You really got to plan that out or you kind of like, you know, vacuum yourself into a corner. You got it. Now our next myth will never have you thinking the same about

pan again. Yeah, this goat footed demons origin origin is kinda like Pepe the Pew. Like, it's funny when you're a kid, and then you get older and you're like, wait, wait, wait, was that cartoon about a rapist? And then you're like, different time, and then you get older and you're like, no, no, that cartoon was drawn by adults.

And then, then you're sad, because they were adults. Look man, Tom and Jerry both got dumped by their gold digging girlfriends, and they decided to commit suicide by train. Rufy LaPue is tame in comparison to that. That's fair. That's fair. By the way, Eli, did you translate

Peppy The Pue for everybody there? He did. He did. For those of you who don't. Peppy The Pue. Our live-oou for Hansay. It was French War. Peppy Theansay. It was a strange war. Peppy the pun.

Peppy the pun. Peppy the pun. It's Peter the Smell. It was the unkill. You don't want to be that asshole who's like mozzarella cheese. Yeah, it's mozzarella. Peter the Smell. Anyway, Penn is basically the Peter the Smell of mythology.

He's always chasing around nymphs who don't want to fuck him. He's like every John Hughes movie ever. Exactly. So one nymph, Syring's, gets tired of being chased around by him. And so she begs a river god to change her into something that Pan wouldn't fuck a bunch of reeds. He's going to figure something out. I feel like he's going to figure something out there. I don't know. I would have gone with a plant that's not known for its hollowness. He's like weaving a fleshlight.

You can punch a few together, even if the hollowness doesn't work. Jokes on him because Pan was a weed whacker. So should have told Syring. So Pan sees his victim changed into plants and he's so upset that he can't fuck a bunch of plants. He cuts her new form into pieces, ties them together and swears she will never leave his side again. Thus the birth of the pan flute. Yeah, and then he called himself a nice guy and he created the insult sub-wrapped. Also, fun fact, this is why flutes are part of the woodwind section. Reads.

And look, if a guy playing the desiccated corpse of a woman who was trying to avoid him isn't the ultimate avatar of the god of music, I don't know what it is. I don't want it. People to think that it was just the dude God's doing all the fucking in the Greek pantheon. No way. Which brings us to the story of Prince Ixion. So little backstory, Hera Zeus's wife loved being a virgin. Every year she'd bathe in the spring of cathanose at Nepaliah, which would magically restore the virginity of anyone who did the same.

Um, yeah, actually being a 38 year old podcaster works pretty well too. I'm going to have to go to the spring. I don't get it. You take all the dudes that you fucked there to drown them. It's magic. So one year, she's having her bath, getting her V card, and Prince Xian sees her and falls madly in love with her. So much so that he refuses to marry, refuses to give birth to any heirs, because all he

wants is Hera. And Zeus takes pity on him, and he's like, hey, you know what? Why don't you come up to Mount Olympus and just like, hang out with us. But there's one condition. Don't fuck my wife. He's gonna figure something out. Xion is like, oh, I would never fuck your wife. What? No, what? But Zeus doesn't believe him. So he makes a cloud that looks just like Hera, which Xion and I cannot emphasize this enough immediately fuck right away. And gets pregnant.. Oh right. Xion gets the Heracloud pregnant.

Yeah, it's a complicated process called cloud seating. I don't know if you guys have heard of it. So come trail. As vengeance Zeus turns Xion into a constantly flaming wheel. Don't know how he does it. And the cloud gives birth to a being known as Centaurus who loves to fuck horses and the children of those horses and Centaurus, the cloud flaming wheel baby is where Centaurus come from.

Yeah, you must be me. 23 and me got super confused by that one. That was tricky. And this is your grandmother fuck cloud from here on in the family tree. Although, although farmers only did not get super confused by that one. Okay, last myth and then we'll get to the lies about the real people. So most people have heard of theses and his labors, but I can almost guarantee you haven't heard the story of his fourth one,

which was to kill the robber, Skaryon. No, no. So Skaryon is a robber and also a giant who lives at the top of these giant big cliffs overlooking the den of a monstrous island-sized sea turtle. I'm not saying you should picture Tom, but you should picture Tom when you picture Skaryon. I mean, it was a very averagely tall giant. Yeah. I ain't shut up, see, so this is my one chance to be tall

until my North Korean vacation. Yeah, don't touch the poster. So what's scary out of it, is he would stand on a narrow path nearby and refuse to let anybody buy him unless they washed his feet. What? And since nobody wants to fight a giant, they'd be like, sure, man, I'll fucking wash your feet.

But then, and again, you should really, really picture Tom here. He'd be like, you're not washing my feet fast enough. And he'd be like, okay, they'd wash faster. He'd be like, you're not fast enough. And then they kicked them in the face over the cliff and their body would get eaten by a giant turtle. Okay, I thought we weren't kink shaming on the show.

You guys said no kink shaming on the show. What a theses is, labor is to like kill this guy. So theses comes up with a cunning plan. I do see though. He goes up to scary on and he's like, Hey man, sweet feet. Can I wash them? And his scary on is like, that's fucking crazy.

That's like my whole thing. You like seriously fucking bring it in, look's like my whole thing. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. You like? Seriously? Fucking bring it in. Look into my goddamn heart. I'm with you. If this does not end with a giant getting tickled to death, I am going to be fucking serious.

I need this to be a tickled death. So goddamn badly. It's close. It's really close. So. You change it. So fesious is washing the feet. He's doing an amazing job.

And, Skerion, he doesn't even have any notes. But he keeps telling Skerion, he's like, hey, can you extend your feet a little more? And, Skerion's like, yeah, man, you're doing a great job washing my feet. And, so, Skerion's like, a little bit more just because I'm trying to get the ankle. And, Skerion's like, yeah, man, you're doing great.

And, Skerion's like, a little bit more and the Fesius is like, a little bit more. And, he's really trying to get the ankle,, a little bit more in the thesis, he's like, a little bit more. And he's really trying to get the angle, just a little bit more in scary on us. And then, like, Wily Coyote, scary on looks down and realized he has scooched himself off the cliff and falls to his death

and gets eaten by a giant turtle. Sounds like what he needed was a footbridge. Oh. Ha, ha, ha. When he fell, Eli, did he leave a cloud of dust in the air like when he needed was a footbridge. Oh. Ah. When he fell, he lied to leave a cloud of dust in the air like when he fell. Oh, hell of a sign. Yeah.

Eat. All right, well, I need to break from these stories because nope, nope, I am not saying that. You said I could write a joke and you, this is my joke. Oh, all right. I need to break from these stories because They're all Greek to me So while I wash my mouth out with comedy soap. We're gonna take a quick break for a little something we call

Epipho of nothing no a Zeus sense. You know that Welcome back to Sigma Nu Nu. I'm Wolf Blitzer and I'm exactly 41 years old right now. Another powerful man brought down this week by the the two movement. Zeus God of Thunder. We turn now to Carol Castello with more thanks wolf I'm here with God of Thunder Zeus Zeus you've been accused of turning wood nymphs that refuse your advances into trees birds and says here even reads are these accusations true absolutely not these nymphs are all lying

on bush liars you you you can understand how people would find it hard to believe that 432 nymphs that don't know each other all are lying. Yep. I agree. That's pretty odd. There's also several plays and songs and poems that all report this kind of behavior. So it just exaggerations. And of course, you were caught on tape saying, let me quote it here. I just get out here. It's gonna fuck me a nymph or straight up turn her into some weird shit. And for- Locker room talk, it's just guys really get together.

Before we began recording, you asked me on a date and threatened to turn me into a go to if I said no, I don't if you remember that, I did record it. I do, I am polyamorous. Well, we may never know who to believe. Next up, in the money hour, is uh, touching stuff the key to retiring early? According to King-Mindus, the answer is yes.

Stay tuned. And we're back when we last left off. It was a downright fucking massacre. Eli, tell us about some more dead guys. Excellent. So with a mythology like that, you know these bullshit are gonna be pre-melt. So for the second half of the show,

we're gonna be talking exclusively about the deaths of real people. Now, are these stories true? Absolutely fucking not. So first up, we have the death of Draco, the log. Okay. All right, that's not a young adult fantasy name. I don't know what it is. Jesus Christ. Draco, the logger. Yeah. So the first recorded

legislator in Athens, Draco replaced the somewhat codified system of blood feud with a written code and a court of law. And according to legend, he was so popular that his supporters quote through so many hats shirts and cloaks on his head that he suffocated and was buried in that same theater. Oh, okay, but like hats on hats, I'm three hats in there intentionally killing him at that point, right? At that point, it's a hat trick, right? So the truth is sadly the opposite of the story. They took his hats to death.

Not the opposite. He was driven out of Athens because people like blood feuds dammit and he died on a nearby island. You know what they say? Axial can really take a toll. A toll. There's a shit. There's a primo fucking shit.

It's my recipe. It's all out. So that story had to be kind of awkward in practice, right? Okay, thank you. Thank you, everybody. No, that's enough. That's enough. I really appreciate it.

I really do. Okay, no, honestly, guys, guys this is really sweet but that is, no that is quite enough cloaks and hats and all that stuff. Honestly, okay seriously that's enough, that's enough, that is enough. I'm not returning these after. We're not doing like a come get your hat thing afterwards that's gonna take for like logistically that's just ridiculous that would take so long and people would take other peoples and then I would be kind of liable for the whole and we're not doing stop it stop it okay I know I honestly I really appreciate it but this is fine this is fine okay seriously now no it's too many hats it's getting getting stuffy getting stuffy

All right next up is the death of chandraress of Sicily now shunt Charendus So next up is the death of charendus. Yeah, you better get this one right You just heard my note for the first time. It's not the first time I sat in the line. You didn't add any letters. That's cool. So next up is the death of Chironis. Of Sicily. Chironis is the Mamamai Chironis. Exactly. He is the original of the codified dowry laws, according to Aristotle, but his biggest contribution was to ban weapons from the assembly, which I think we can all agree

was a terrible, terrible mistake. Yeah. I think if Congress people, like right now, would all wear those like oversized boxing gloves and like the sumo suits from a carnival and just fight it out, okay. America would watch C-SPAN and become politically literate. I really think we would.

No, I think so. Yeah, yeah. politically literate. I really think we would. No, I'm not sure. Yeah. And Mike Tyson would be president. Everyone was. So months after passing a law that anyone who brought a weapon to Congress would be put to death, he enters the building wearing a hunting knife that he'd forgotten about. And upon noticing his ironic error, John R.S. promptly commits suicide to stay consistent. Oh, man. Only Charlton Heston would have done the same thing

with that rifly brought into the NRA round. I feel like Americans would pay good money to watch James Inhoff commit suicide via snowballs also. Yeah, but Chironis wasn't the only person who the law done dirty. Cicimines was a Persian judge who was flayed alive for taking a bribe. His skin was used to make a new judicial seat, which was occupied uncomfortably by his son. Yeah, it was a data rendezvous chair. A joke so good, I guarantee someone will riff off it later. Someone's gonna riff off that amazing joke later, I guarantee.

I also think it's like something that I don't want the airlines to hear about, right? Because how long before you're paying an upgrade to get out of the flayed Persian skin seat into a cloth one, right? I'd pay more for the, not whatever everybody has their own. I'm sorry, I didn't mean I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. complete without the apocryphal story of Pythagoras's death. Now Pythagoras, as many of you will know, was almost as big a fan of triangles as he was with having sex with kids. He also believed that beans were tiny people. Yeah. In Spain, those little plants would say, yo, soybeans. Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, man. Oh, absolutely not. Absolutely not. In Pakistan, they would join, what would they join, guys? Al-Kaita Mame. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha team six. Maybe. Sure. So you shot the kidney. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. So mostly because of the kid fucking garbons.

So mostly because of the kid fucking. Right. White northerners. So mostly because of the kid fucking part, the legend goes he's being chased around town by people who want to kill him and he comes upon a bean field. But he thinks they're little people. So since he'd rather die than step on a field of babies, Pete Dogg just turns around, it's murdered.

I'm sorry, but just getting beaten to death by a crowd qualifies an unusual death. But it's really? Ha! Ha! Also, you didn't mention that Pythagoras got hanged using the hypotenuse. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!ed using the hypotenuse.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the death of Greek playwright Eskolas. Now, the story goes that the father of tragedy and the author of the arrest, he had confined himself indoors for fear of a prophecy that he would be killed by a falling object. He was eventually convinced to go for just a

short walk if only for his health. Hey, Dad, you can't just like sit in your recliner all day right there under the Anvil Shandleleer. You got to like go out and get some sun and something. No, no, no, no poetry in the obvious sun. I've never been safer. Hey, you haven't fucked your mother or anything recently, haven't you? That'd be weird. So why would you even ask? So going to the story, while he's on his walk of vulture carrying a tortoise, Miss took his bald head for a rock suitable for shattering shells as certain vultures are known to do and he was killed instantly.

Yeah, earlier that day he found a fly in a shardner, right? Is that what happened? Maybe the only thing that I'm going to learn today is that vultures evidently fly around carrying toruses. Just in case there's a boulder or a playwright on an amulet. a boulder or a playwright on an amulet. So next up is my soul mate and someone I truly empathize with. And Podeliklis. No, no. And Podeliklis was so enraptured by his own talent, because he was Keats, that in his

later work, he wrote that he actually believed he had ascended to the status of a divine being he was so brilliant. And to prove this to himself and others, he threw himself into an active volcano. He was mistaken. He was not, he was also empathically, but yeah, he gets up there. He's standing next to Frodo. He's like, oh, hey, what are you guys doing? You want to go Thel, Louise, on it?

Now, I should point out there are a lot of legends about how Sophocles died. According to one, the author of Etappis Rex and Antigone died of choking on an unripe grape. Does the ripeness change things for anyone? Is that... Made it thousands of years through history, so I'm gonna repeat it.

But in another, he died of joy after hearing his last play had taken first place in the Greek forum, making the first and last time in history, anyone cared about the literary prizes. So that was interesting. That was the edipulitzer. Ah!

Ah! But my favorite story about Sophocles's death is that he was murdered by a long sentence. Gordon of the Legend and Actor complained that one of the lines in Antigone was too long and demanded a place to take a breath. Sophocles attempted to demonstrate delivery of the line without taking a breath and suffocates. Yeah. If that was true, then anyone who ever read Kant allowed died for me.

Yeah. Right. And James Joyce died somewhere during the one sentence that he wrote during his career. Yeah. In his career. Yeah. Any day now. Yeah.

Okay. This next one. Again, it's a little too close to home for us here on the podcast. According to legend, the Greek comedian Antifanny stopped the performance to demand the audience to stop growing antifn Tiffany's can you say it's Tiffany's try that Tiffany's there you go there you go and you know Tiffany's yeah anyways he stopped performance to demand that the audience stop throwing apples at him and show him

some respect he was then struck in the head by a pair there used to be another guy in citation needed until we did the and show him some respect. He was then struck in the head by a pair of tricks. Yeah. There used to be another guy in citation needed until we did the Scotland show. And then he got in with a pair and he's dead now. But at least he died funny. Yeah. Yeah.

Now the Greek tyrant agothalees was killed with a poison toothpick. Not even close. Also for being a guy who uses a toothpick, gross, floss at home. who uses a toothpick, gross, floss at home. Okay. This next one, I can just read

right from the Wikipedia page. So, here we go. I know we go. It's slam on toothpicks on a newer. Yeah. The latiss of costs, a Greek intellectual, is said by Athenias to have studied arguments and erroneous word usage,

so intensely that he wasted away and starved to death and quote, yeah, and this is literally the only way to die that you can't get Vegas odds on. So modern historians agree that this story is not true and that he is on this podcast. No illusions is the last to trust him. Next up, philosopher and stoic, Chrisipus, he dies of every stoic's nightmare, a motion.

Legend goes to Chrisipus, who was largely credited for early prepositional logic, became obsessed with someone stealing the figs he was growing to present at the upcoming Olympics. The morning of the Olympics, he wakes up to find not a thief, but a donkey showing down on his figs. And according to the story, he began to laugh uncontrollably and demanded the donkey be brought his best wine

to wash the figs down. He died, at least according to legend, shortly after of laughing too hard. Quick side note, this is one of the only stories we have that immediately corrects itself. This legend comes from the writings of Chris Pence's nephew who in the same manual as the story adds a post script that literally is just like, I'm just kidding, he drank some bad wine, it was pretty sad.

Not enough obituaries at a psych, really. It's a shame. It always works in those unconscious. Okay, Pat, now we do that for each of us. Okay, we have to see him now. It's always been my hope that somebody will just love me enough to lie about how I die. That's family to me.

Yeah, right. All right. All right, all you guys, I have an appendix in the back of my will for cover stories. Okay, I'm out of the list. You guys want to do a ton teen? The thing where we all put in money and then the last person alive gets it all?

No, I don't want to play a dying game with you. I've seen you play 100% or something. I'm gonna do that. Murder game. Let's go. Yes. I'm like 100% wanted to do that.

Five grand. Five grand. Yeah, five grand start. And in fact, once Eli's gone, let's just split his money. How's that? And then end the game. That's fair. So we just take just one. We should check for fucking, you know, $1200. It's good. Yeah. So 50. Yeah. Just get you guys ahead of time. Save us all

some money. So next up comes the only lady on our list. Oh, Portia Cotonous, wife of Brutus of Stabby Stabby fame. She is said to have committed suicide by swallowing hot coals, which historians agree is almost certainly untrue because gross. How would you even gross? She just put the coal in peanut butter like a dog taking a pill. Turned into a diamond. That doesn't work by the way. No, no, no, it does not. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha succeeded, but choked your death on the pair. That's two fucking Romans in a row. You're not even trying anymore. Right. Ancient Greeks, ancient Romans, bladder, the same thing. Why don't you do an Etruscan now? Let's just

do an Etruscan before here. So the death of Emperor Tiberius. Also not a Greek, the word Emperor should be a dead giveaway here. They have for us. So his murder was actually unusual because of the circumstances. Tiberius had been ill for months. And when he finally passed the political structure, he v. to Sive relief. And the last they could anoint his totally not about to go crazy successor, Halegula. Now unfortunately in the middle of the coronation proceedings, Tiberius miraculously recovers, leaving the empire with two simultaneous emperors.

Now, this situation caused people in attendance. Three or one are Roman. I don't. Two literally. Yeah, it doesn't matter, it's a, doesn't matter. Three from the room. Prefer of either Emperor's wrath, but luckily, a quick thinking prefect named Marco, sprang into action and smothered Tiberius with his pencils.

Hey, congratulations, you're alive. Hatsen weighted blankets, wee! And finally, we conclude our journey through mortal and take-witty with St. Lawrence, who was roasted alive on a giant grill during the persecution of Valerian. According to legend, halfway through his execution, Lawrence told his oppressors, quote, turn me over, I'm done on this side. And quote, he is now the patron saint of cooks and comedians.

Okay, actually that last part is true. I looked at, he's the patron saint of cooks in the poor, but me kind of tomato to motto there. It's, yeah. Yeah. You know that, that, that, that amazing Greek name Lawrence is just a certain Greek name. A very traditional.

Larry, the Greek. Yeah. All right. Well, you ran out of Greek so while ago you want to move on to Byzantine. You're in some roughness. This one's in. If you tell lies from history, you can't get in trouble. There you go. Okay. Bullshit. And are you ready for the quiz?

Bring on this yik-yak. All right, here we go. Eli, which rapper loves Greek food the most? A, easy, eros, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B B to two.

To Bach Leva C ice p to or D J Ziki. Oh, okay. There we go. I see I wasn't getting that one. I'm going to go with a two pop Leva. Oh, sure. I guess. Yes.

Yay. All right. Ela, you were making fun of the reptilian scenic overlook of my summer home. Uh, jokes on you though. Why? A, I didn't have to shell out a lot for that. Properly. Uh, B, I wanted a shell.

I didn't catch it as first. Uh, B, I won that in a lawsuit, uh, toward as the name of the game. Uh, or see or sort something something terrible.

No, that's not getting better at this. The different clever answer. I'm going to get a two out of four. See, these are hard and designed around two of our cast members. I want one more question for you. So today we learned about a chair or a political leader made of his dad's skin called the Daeterondak chair, which is fantastic as a name of a company of chairs.

Which of the following is that company's top competitor? Is it a the flasie boy? B the most dangerous game of thrones. There's a book called The Bid's short story, the most dangerous game is the Hunt Humans. And then in my thing, for B, you're hunting the human and then making it into a throne of their skin. Yeah. Got it?

Does everybody have it? I love it. That's amazing. Great. Great. Got it. Does everybody have it? I love it. He did. It's amazing. Great. Great. Great. And where was it?

See, fuck all you guys, the Jared Kushner. Oh, that's a guy. I love it. See, Jared Kushner. No, it's secret answer D. They're all harm chairs. Oh. It was D. So I win. Oh, right.

Yeah. That is correct, Heath's you are the winner this week and you get to but you can't no that doesn't it You're gonna know for yourself I'm gonna do myself for next week. I'm great. I'll also do it be the essay is yes, all right sure why not It's a solo project. It's a solo project. It's a solo project. It's a solo project. It's a solo project.

Hello, everyone. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret.

I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a secret. I just write up a and no one thinking you were hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then, Heath will be an expert on something else, not sure who's gonna introduce him,

but somebody will. Between now and then, you can hear more from Tom and Cecil on the cognitive dissonance podcast and you can hear more from Eli Heath and me on all the other podcasts that aren't that one. If you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make the per episode donation at

patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can and if you wanna get in touch with us, check out the past episodes. Just connect with us on social media or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

OK, seriously, guys, it's way too many hats and capes. That's like, we have a co-check. Just it's so many. Co-check's right by the entrance. Stop it. It was a whole thing to set up. We did the co-check. I didn't want to, but we did it.

We're paying the... Paying the guy. Seriously, ow! Seriously. What a top hat!