Citation Needed - "Lord" Timothy Dexter

Episode Date: May 30, 2018

Timothy Dexter (January 22, 1747 – October 23, 1806) was an American businessman noted for his writing and eccentricity. --- To see us live in Chicago on August 11th, click here. --- Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details. Skit Music: "Brandenburg Concerto No. 4 in G, Movement I (Allegro), BWV 1049" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/ licenses/by/3.0/

So you think we're gonna sell out of tickets entirely? I mean, probably, you know. Okay, but what about people who don't buy tickets on time? Well, I guess they'll just die sad and full of regret. Totally true, absolutely. Thank you very much. No, no, no, firmer. Like, you expected them to do the thing,

but you still pleased that they did it. Oh, okay, thank you very much. Little bug. Tom, Eli, what are you guys doing? Oh, I know. Well, it turns out Atheist Coin and Ponsicon were really good ideas. I did both of them and now I'm rich.

No, not rich. Upper middle class. But I have lots of upper middle class. Okay. I'm upper middle class now and Tom's teaching me. Right now I'm learning how to thank a valet guy. You're like, those were terrible ideas. How did you make any money off of them?

I don't know, they went viral blah blah blah, capitalist system money. And also I did that thing I always wanted where I put an ad in the New York Times saying anyone who can get heath to bite off one of their fingers gets money so get ready for some calls. You're gonna get some calls for them. God dammit, you're sick So get ready for some calls. You're gonna get some calls for Dan.

God damn it, you're sick kids. 945 missed calls. Nine, did you give out my actual number? Yes. What's with all the DVDs? Oh, I bought every existing copy of the run down with the rock and Christopher Walken. The world wasn't gonna appreciate the best action movie ever.

The world doesn't get the best action movie ever. I am so proud of you, right? Cute Tom. Eli, these are stupid and wasteful ideas. You need to plan financially. You're going to run out of money. How much did you even make? After taxes, $20 million. You're my best friend.

I don't know. He's my best friend, but I'll hang out with him. Upper, middle, class. Still hate you. I'm actually with Heath. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where you choose a subject, a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Tom and I'll be stumbling my way through this one but I won't be stumbling alone.

First up are two men who'd be excited to pass a sobriety test, even when they're sober. Eli and luckily for me, I didn't know the alphabet front words. I don't think I've passed a test. This my mom pissed on that little stick. So I pretty stoked. We call that a pass.

Okay. Also joining us tonight are two men whose life choices were so bad they led them to be here right now. Heath and Cecil. Okay, I'm honestly going to my college reunion next month to Panhandle. That's all I wanted to say. It must have been a moment at the beginning where we could have said no, but somehow we missed it.

I don't know. I just lost the story of my life. Before we get started, we'd like to give a big thanks to our patrons for all of your generosity. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around till the end of the show and we'll tell you where to go. And with that out of the way, tell us, Cecil, what person plays thing concept phenomenon or event. Well, we'd be talking about today. Today we're gonna be talking about Lord Timothy Dexter. You do? All right, sounds good. Heath, he perused an article on this guy.

Are you ready to tell us who the fuck he was? I am ready. All right, so. Well, fuck was Lord Timothy Dexter. Lord Timothy Dexter was an 18th century business man from Massachusetts, who became one of the wealthiest people in the country by being a giant idiot over and over again, somehow getting lucky every goddamn time.

It's the best. I love these heroes, though. I love them. He is a hero. It's fantastic. So in addition to being an impossibly successful entrepreneur, he was also a social outcast, thanks to being the absolute worst. He was a philanthropist for things

that are stupid and don't deserve charity. And he was an illiterate author who didn't realize people were laughing at him instead of with him. So basically he was an early American version of Donald Trump, Tommy Wiseau and Eli, just all come to me. So I was there laughing.

So Dexter was born on January 22nd, 1747, just outside of Boston to a poor Irish family of farm workers. After being brought up in poverty without any formal education at the age of 14, he decided to make a better life for himself. Because a worse one would be literally impossible. Pretty much. Oh, no, hang on. He could have been born a poor Irish woman.

So I could go worse. It could be worse. Good point. So, yeah, he gathered up all his grit, pluck, and moxie, and hustle his way into the glamorous world of leather treating. Got a job as an apprentice. And after completing his training, Dexter started his own business, making, uh, I guess gloves and creepy fuck pants for colonial swamp ass enthusiasts.

Damn it, Dexter, there's no ass in these chaps. Uh, technically all chaps are assless. Yeah, that's because you just invented them. They're all ass. Let's. Gay pride parades in 1747 were lit. And by lit, I mean, they lit you on fire. That's what I mean. We're not a sparkle. Tweaky torches, they call.

Tweaky torches. So, yeah, the leather pants thing was doing great for a little while, but then England started asking American colonists for taxes. And we all revolted like assholes declaring ourselves lowercase fremen on the land or whatever. Stupid move. Of course, this eventually led to the revolutionary war, which started a pretty long, pretty sad slump for the British in terms of winning at anything ever. But more importantly,

for the purposes of our Timothy Dexter story, that conflict led to the closing of Boston's shipping ports and that pretty much shut down his business. That's what happens when you take British queens out of the leather pants market. Okay, yeah, but to be fair, there is no point in the leather fuck pants if you're closing down the points. So fuck pants, quay, fuck pants, Tom. Good on your own. So with local commerce, all gridlocked, Dexter decided to make his fortune with a new plan, which was marrying a rich lady. There you go.

Super smart move. Well done. He went around to, I guess, Cougar bars for a while until he finally managed to charm an older woman named Elizabeth Frothingham, who was recently widowed by a wealthy husband. I miss old, timing names. Frothingham, yeah, I like that name. And apparently Elizabeth Frothingham also had a bunch of money herself, not just from a husband, but her own, from being a door-to- door salesperson of old timey and way.

It really says that. And that makes me very happy. I say, Mitchell has now ever been without a cook screw, but a hey penny was on hand. Yeah. I've never had a partner open enough to try the frothing. Not the kind of thing you want to say with Eli coming to town, bro, but, uh, sharing a hotel room. He doesn't know where I live.

So I can't even tell. I'm with the frothing ham is always what to do with the left. We put in a tent. I'll make a goose. That's a lot of cold water. You need a lot of cold water. Yeah. So, uh, Dexter and frothing, I'mom got married and they used the chunk of her money to get a place

in the fancy Charleston neighborhood of Boston. And two of their neighbors were Thomas Russell, who was, uh, basically the Bill Gates of that era. He installed windows. No, no, he's a precise Africans. And, uh, also John Hancock, the governor at the time, and also a bunch of other rich people, all of whom apparently hated Timothy Dexter because he was fucking gross. So getting ostracized like this, bothered Dexter so much, they spent pretty much the rest

of his life trying to get accepted by high society like for spite and he never succeeded cool cool cool cool Hey, when do we decide we were doing episodes on each other's futures? I feel like there should have been Yeah, I actually what when are we getting to mine cuz that psychic just shook our head and threw up so I'm not gonna say that didn't make me curious through up so i'm not going to say that didn't make me curious that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that

that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that

that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that like leftovers. So nobody was going to let him hold public office in Boston. I guess Boston was a lot classier back then. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. I was going to say now he'd be Boston's king. Instead, he went back to the burbs where he grew up and harassed the local leaders until they created a new office for him called Informer of Deer. That meant his job was to count all the deer in this town's forest. And just for the record, there were zero deer there. Like, 20 years before the position was created.

Okay, yeah. Fine. There was zero deer now. You have to be vigilant. Right? I would have released one just to fuck with him. All the deer have him tied up in a chair and they're working him over with our huffs, you know? We know you talk, Dexter. I didn't say nothing,

Bob, you got to believe me. I like that he's named Buck. Yeah, that's the joke. I like that. It's a good joke overall, but Buck is why it's a great joke. The punchline was the best part. Yeah. So that's where it got fired. So Dexter was pretty happy about becoming an elder statesman. And he decided it was time to start gambling his wife's money. And his first big bet involved speculating on the continental dollar. That was actually America's first paper currency issued by the Continental Congress in 1775. Among other things, the new American government used it to pay soldiers during the Revolutionary War, but they didn't really understand a monetary policy yet. So they printed

way too much, way too quickly. And the notes became pretty much worthless. Look, I'm not paying more than six camel cash for these three muskets. All right. Not for nothing, but when Cecil and I were kids, you could literally get muskets with camel cash. Yeah. So the devalued continental dollar meant a whole bunch of soldiers actually got fucked on the whole deal. Anyway, some rich people like Dexter's neighbors tried to help out by purchasing those continental notes for pound sterling or gold or for, you know, trading for goods. At which point Timothy Dexter decided to do the same thing without realizing this was

actually an act of charity by his rich neighbors and not a stockpile for him. And because again, he's a stupid person, Dex decided to take literally all his money and all his wife's money and buy continental dollars at a discount. At the time, this was like us betting on Nazi rick smarts getting reinstated as American currency next. Okay. Well, actually, this is a bad example, but you know what I was just stupid bet. Okay, he'd the story probably ends here with the sure economic collapse of Vex there, which is why he became a serial killer in Miami, right? That's the next part two, three good seasons.

It's close, but no, not at all, not close actually. So it's too good. Yeah, it was too. So pretty soon after singing all this money into an ICO run by a bunch of nudist free mason weirdos, Dexter got wildly lucky when the US Constitution was ratified and Alexander Hamilton convinced the other guys who were running the new country that they should let people buy treasury bonds with the old continental dollars. And Dexter became crazy rich overnight because Alexander Hamilton. A few historians actually claim that Dexter had insider information and knew this was coming, but he's so fucking stupid. So many other times we're going to get to it. It's really hard to believe this wasn't also just dumb luck.

Civil War Scott Adams is just like he's a master negotiator for the national test. Revolutionary war Rachel Maddow blames Hessian oligarchs. To be fair though, honestly, if we find out Hessesse and Ola Garx were behind Trump's election, how surprised would you be? No, not at all. They probably filed their teeth down too. All right.

So now that Dexter had fuck you money, he thought he'd finally be able to hang out with the other rich people in town, but, you know, he still smelled like vegan fondue and he still talked like every shirtless guy on cops. So he'd show up with like huge amounts of hookers and blow, but nobody cared. Still wasn't allowed to party with the fancy people. So he finally cracked and took his family out of Boston and went up north to Newbury Port, Massachusetts, where he bought a giant mansion on the water. And this is where his career, as arguably the dumbest successful venture capitalist in history really gets going.

Or was he a super genius? What, we're gonna try to figure it out, but I'm pretty sure he was just stupid. Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and take notes and daydream gelously, which is gonna take a minute. So let's pause here for a quick mid episode break for Apropole of Nothing. And then I said, Sir, if you mean to tell me the exchange will go lower than 11.5, well then I doubt you. Oh, you didn't.

I don't tell you I did. I didn't do. Charlie Good. Hey fellas, how you fucking doing? Oh, hello, Timothy. Yo, yo, you can call me fucking Timmy if you want to, drumstick. It's, it's,

it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it they said they don't fucking exist yet. Baby, you fucking kidding me? I'm gonna go kick that motherfucker's teeth out. Babe, babe, don't get a fucking fight, I put my fucking nice nails on. I'll get you new fucking nails then.

Don't fucking ruin the fucking party, Timmy! I'm not ruined a fucking party, I'm talking to my fucking friends and you being a bitch! What the fuck did you just fucking call me, Timmy? You being a fucking fucking... B you, Timmy, fuck you! Miss-Mr. Dexter! Mr. Dexter! Call me Timmy, please. I-I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

See, do you see what you fucking did, Timmy? Do you see? Wait a second. Are you fucking serious right now, bro? I come into your home, I bring my lovely fucking wife and you insult me like this? I got my hand-cryptured! This?

My fucking hand! Is inexcusable. I'm so mad I'm gonna go beat up a Chinese guy. Well that's perfectly fine right now, yes. Ah, it is? Oh, yes, yes totally fine for at least another century, I'm sure. Ah, fucking awesome. And we're back.

And deeply ashamed. Fuck. When we left off, Timothy Dexter had forest gumped his way into a small fortune and made me feel increasingly discontent with my lot in life. I proved that he at least eventually had enough sense to get the fuck out of Boston. So what happens next? Okay, so Dexter's filthy rich and living in his new place hoping to finally fit in somewhere, but everybody still hates him. Yeah, strangely enough, he failed to become less of an asshole when he got rich doing nothing,

amazing. Okay, yeah, but to be fair, if I were that rich, I wouldn't even try to hide it being an asshole. That's the point, right? Like no, I I would fill my actual asshole and I would pay people to watch my asshole all day on a loop and I would feed them nothing but calamari rings and make the compliment my butthole in a series of high coups. That's the point. I get you. Never been so close to you, Tom. Yeah, that's the thing. The fact that he has all this new money just amplified his existing personality.

So the local reaction to him is even worse than it was in Boston. Now instead of ostracizing him, all the other rich people in this new town who live near him start trying to make him go bankrupt. I'm so hoping he'll have to sell his mansion and move anywhere the fuck out. And to make this happen, this is the best. Well, like the neighbor, let's ruin his life. That's exactly what they do.

It's the best. So they're all giving him terrible, terrible business advice hoping to bankrupt him. But again, he's so goddamn stupid that he keeps taking the advice, but it keeps paying off huge. And everybody doesn't know what to fuck to do. So this guy is basically that friend from your hometown who had like a little bit of Bitcoin left over

from the drugs he bought on the Silk Road and now he has a van with a naked lady on the side. But revolutionary wartimes. A version of that guy. Yeah, pretty much. At this point Dexter owns a fleet of shipping vessels and he's running an import export business. And the very first big sabotage idea was from a neighbor who told him he should buy

up a whole bunch of bed warming pans, you know, like the metal pan for holding hot coals got the big wooden handle. You want cold sheets before bed in, I before bed in cold climates. Yeah. Well, the guy tells Dexter to sell these in the Caribbean islands. So Dexter buys 42,000 warming and fills up nine shipping vessels and sales down to Cuba. Well god. Turns out nobody's sheets were cold there. Yeah. So the doctors, the doctors are like, no, yep, I said, you didn't let me finish.

They're fucking ladles for molasses. You guys all have molasses. They're ladles for that. And apparently everyone needed a whole bunch of ladles for molasses and he made a giant profit. What the, what were they doing with their molasses before this? We're just standing there. Where are my ladles?

That's not fair. You want a hand full at a time? Guys, hear me out here. It's like a blanket, but it's got holes for your arms. Just hear me out. Hear me out. Yeah, so he comes back home after selling slankets and ladles and the whole town is pissed. They have this whole big party set up, assuming he died at sea or, you know, at the very

least lost all his money, but no, he's wealthier than ever. And he probably learned like reggae dance fighting and he's going to show everybody the fucking moves, like a giant douche nozzle. So another neighbor starts coming up with a new idea on the spot. He's just looking around. I get, I'm assuming making stuff up at this point, all drunk. He's like, Timmy, you got two words for you. Stray cats. Look around, fucking everywhere. Money in the back of your strut. You heard about those cats. You sell back to Cuba. You're golden, bro. And Dexter fucking did it. He goes all around town,

burning up straight cats. What? He sales back down to the creep. This really happened. He sales back down the Caribbean with a boat of stray cats, multiple boats, maybe of stray cats. And it turns out there's a big mouse problem in all the warehouses because the molasses getting spilled out of the bad ladles. I don't know. So everyone buys up the straight cats and again Garfield's got a little a little pirate eye patch Timmy Timmy's telling all his friends like guys think about this way. It's a rock and it's got Google guys and it's got Google guys. What I mean, as a guy who sells dick jokes, I've already told you for a living. I don't know that I can throw stones.

Yeah, I mean, the Caribbean dudes ended up with cats at the end of this is all I'm saying, you know. Yeah, and I'm just saying I would gay marry this man. I love this man. Tom frothing of him. Oh, he's, I do like how he keeps pissing off the aristocracy. That part's fun. So Dexter comes back home again. So I'm how victorious and the neighbors are baffled. I'm assuming they're having elaborate planning sessions at this

point, trying to work out new schemes to ruin this guy. One guy's just like, damn it. Okay. Look, there's a failed comedian, a Mark Marin who's starting a podcast with the word fuck in the title. Let's just have him put all this money in there. It's no way. And what are the stupid ideas that they invent for him, Heath, like a social network that minds all your data and sells a Snapchat to the American electorate to foreign governments will make him you think you're finding

at which Disney princess you most fuck life. That's easy. It's earned so long. It's pretty close to that. The last big one they came up with was convincing him to sell coal in Newcastle, England, but without telling him about the very large coal mine already in business there in Newcastle, England, that they're famous for. So once again, Dexter happily takes the advice and sends a giant shipment of coal across the ocean to sell in a coal mining city. Can't possibly make money on this, but right before he shows up, the mine workers in Newcastle go on strike.

Oh, shit. And everyone in Newcastle for the first goddamn time in history. And again, Dexter made a huge profit. Now his neighbors are just building a real shark tank of phones. And they're just like, fuck it. Get some sharks. This guy is like, Bizarro Joe. Yep. So absurd dumb luck keeps paying off. But along the way, Dexter actually picks up a few real pieces of business understanding. He realizes that if you have a shitload of money, all you need to do is corner the market on just about anything.

And the moment people need it, you can charge whatever you want. And it's the 1700s. So the only rule is there are no rules. It's kind of like the financial sector right now. Yeah. Yeah. So Dexter ends up making a bunch more money when he bought up 340 tons of whale bone, pretty much all the whale bone that existed at the moment and charging a big markup on

his whale bone monopoly. Okay, wait, based on the story so far, all the world's whales are about to tie. Also based on present ecology. So Dexter's one of the richest people in the country at this point. And he decides to stop working and just really focus on being an eccentric crazy person. Wait, I'm sorry, was he working before that was working? Okay, work takes different forms for different people. No, don't judge Describe your job. What do you do? There Too slow so he hires an entourage of other crazy people and starts insisting that everyone call him

Lord This includes his very own poet, Loryod. What? Who? He found selling fish and pornography out of a heel bear at a market. Two great taste, the taste great together. You got porn in my fish. You got fish in my porn.

It was incest porn Emily dick in son. Oh, it's all in says porn. It's all in says thank you. It's a way why are you thank you? Why is it a whole other fight me and he had I don't want to get into it. It's all in says porn. Thank you. All porn stars are related.

I have a whole thing you want me to do an episode about it. I don't want to get into it. No's all in, Seth's porn. Thank you. All porn stars are related. I have a whole thing. You won't let me do an episode about it. I don't want to get into it. No, we will not. Good. Okay. Moving on. So he's got his very own poet, Lorya, and he made the guy write like weird, dick sucking praise poems, like a Trump physical from a dog. And the versus I saw, they're all trying to rhyme, but they kept fucking up in the last second. It's the best quick example. Lord Dexter is a man of fame. Most celebrated is his name, those rhyme, a more precious far than gold that's pure. Lord Dexter shine forever.

Mure. It's like a pinky in the brain episode. We're like, the minstrel. I can't get the final line right. It's like a pinky in the brain episode. We're like, he's the minstrel. I can't get the final line right. It's the best. I remember the episode where brain bought porn out of a wheelbarrow. Animaniacs got weird.

I want to throw that up. I'm still hung up on this wheelbarrow thing. Like what's next? Like a Rick Shaw butt plugs. I got hot dog cart full of vibrators. I like that one. like a Rick Shaw butt plugs. I got hot dog cart full of vibrators. Oh, I like that one. So at this point, Dexter was convinced the paid entourage was going to finally get him

accepted by his wealthy New England peers, but still no. Obviously, he wasn't trying hard enough. So he decided to commission about 40 giant wooden statues and put them on display in his front lawn. This included getting into loud arguments with the artists, one of which turned into a gunfight as the statue of Thomas Jefferson was getting finished. A painter wrote declaration of independence on the placard. Dexter started yelling at the painter and telling him to write constitution instead, which is obviously

incorrect. And also just happened. Yeah, right. He's right. And Dexter probably knew Jefferson personally. So just like so stupid, regardless, when the painter corrected him, Dexter took out a rifle and tried to shoot the guy. He barely missed and the painter wrote in Constantine. Yeah, he marked it zero. Yeah, right. Well, I will say, if I learned anything while living in South Georgia, it's that nothing gets you accepted

by your neighbor's quicker than excessive gaudy lawn ornamentation. Yeah. In other words, I learned nothing while living in Georgia. Not a single thing. I just want to point out that early revisionist history was aggressive. Yeah, it's very aggressive.

All right, so now That's very aggressive. All right. So now it's 1802. And Lord Timmy is pretty sure it's time to write his memoirs, despite having writer Zahn staff and despite being pretty much illiterate. He decides to write the book himself. The title was a pickle for the knowing ones or plain truths in a home spun dress for obvious reasons. The book was about 5% existing words. It was spelled phonetically by a guy who spoke like Scottish fencer her with his mouthful. And it had exactly zero punctuation marks.

And it includes the phrase, I'm IME, the first with an E Lord capitalized in the United States with the U and an O, States of a Mercury. I'm the first Lord in the United States of a Mercury. A Mercury. Okay, episodes taking a weird term. No, I believe in reincarnation.

I look forward to being rich though. If that's upper middle class, right? Are you going to be reincarnated into the past? Is that what's yeah, tons of flat circle, Tom. Get what? Yeah, and I love how he distributes the book. He stands next to the road. He shouts people down and he makes them take it like a demo CD and time square and somehow this worked so well that he had to print a new

run of books eight times. Oh my god. For these later editions, his editor insisted on putting in punctuation. So Dexter's like, I fuck you. And he adds a single page at the end with nothing but punctuation marks. Along with the instruction, pepper and salt them as you please. So salt, so L T to Jordan Peter, since book does the same thing with pronouns. For what it's worth, you like, I had never heard of this guy when I got you that lifetime supply of commas in a postrophase for Christmas. That's a cool. I like, I like it. All right, he has to be almost over.

No one man can possibly contain this much tiger blood and dragon energy in one place. That is true. So yeah, Dexter is almost dead now. And I think he finally becomes slightly self-aware and realizes that he might be wildly obnoxious in every single thing that he's ever done. Of course, that doesn't stop him from continuing that behavior. So he decides to stage a fake funeral in order to see what everyone really thought. All right, all right. Laugh it up. Drinking game audience.

Everyone take a shot. If you never at least idly thought of the same thing. Everyone is still sober. Move along. Everyone. Nobody took a drink. Yeah. So he stages his own funeral.

And the only people he let in on the hoax were his wife and his two kids who he paid to go along with it and pretend they were mourning. So he hasn't invite the entire region and 3,000 people show up for this enormous, fancy cheek funeral ceremony. And Dexter hides in the floorboards to watch everyone and spy on them. And it's all going fine until he sees that his wife is smiling way too much. So he gets all mad. He sneaks out of his secret hiding spot

and he starts beating his wife with a cane for not crying enough. Jesus. What the fuck? Act crying enough. Yeah. At which point, everyone hears the commotion and sees Dexter alive, obviously, but he's sociopath, so he just refuses to acknowledge anything weird

that happens and goes on with the party. That kind of love him so much. It's the greatest. Yeah. And then he died like for realsies a few years later. Oh my God. If you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, Heath, and I don't know how you could, what would it be?

Yeah. Nothing, learning means nothing. Eliish motto. All right. Well, then are you ready for the quiz? I am ready for the quiz. Okay. So obviously I felt very attacked by this episode and all the other episodes we've done.

But if any texture and I have one major difference? Is it A, I didn't marry into money. It's a B, I have never been financially successful and literally anything I've ever done. Is it C? Nobody would come to my fake funeral. Is it D? I don't want to play anymore. All right.

Well, it's clearly all the above except I accept me. I would go to your fake funeral. That would be fun. We'd have a little hacky sex circle going. Yeah. No, it'd be just to hit on my friends. Well, I mean, yes, but that's not. All right.

Obviously, this dude had too much rampant, crazy to fit into a single episode. So which of the following is an additional real fact about Timothy Dexter? A, on the inscription of the statue of himself that he commissioned, he proclaimed himself, quote, the first in the east, the first in the west and the greatest philosopher in the western world. End quote. A lot of. P, with his relationship with his wife deteriorated,

he started telling people that she was dead, and the woman they saw walking in and out of his house was actually her ghost. A ghost? Was it C? Immediately after his grown son moved out, he turned his home into a brothel. A real leave leaving room exactly

we get the same hookers the whole time what was it D all of the above oh my god this is the greatest human America has ever produced well I read a whole lot about him. I knew it is D all. All of that. He actually owned curtains from the Queen of France. They were owned by the Queen of France and got come all over them because it's house into a brothel. That was also in the book I read. He's got come all over the other.

I'm sorry. I want to hear the page from the Dexter book where they were like, and then he got come all over. Okay. It's for real. I believe it was an 1848 book by Stephen Napp. I think it's called the Samuel Kumbok. It's the Kumbok.

It's the lightning book series. It's a time-lifed book. Come on up, be the comic book, but it's a comic book. All the pages stick together. It's one solid unit. Top 10 comics. Timothy Dexter, obviously, he's a hero. We're all just jealous.

So how would you rate his job performance at life? Amazing. A, great. Yep. B, good. Okay, also. C, okay. D, Donald Trump, that's actually from the emails,

Donald Trump sends out to rate his job performance to people. That's, those are the three other options when you get, when you get a Donald Trump survey. How would you rate his job performance? Great good. Oh, yeah. Three years, three. Yeah. Wow. I would rate Timothy Dexter an amazing stable genius. All right. He Dexter was a prolific author, which of his works sold the least amount of copies a how to vote and illustrated guide for women Be your first home to do projects for the land owning black American See your baby brother why he's probably gonna die

Or D Native American Trail of happy fun time a D Native American trail of happy fun time. That's the come book. That's the come. I love that you put a little frowny emoticon on scene. I did. I put a frowny emoticon right after the brother. Just get a die sad face. I looked at the book had exclamations too, like your baby brother.

Yeah. But it's definitely it's definitely D. The Native American trail. No, it's actually and now it's a to's definitely D the native. No, it's actually and now it's a to do project for black owning line Americans black owning land Americans black different different group of people actually. They were in the South. Since these was clearly superior in every way to heath, he gets to pick the winner. That's fair.

All right. Well, I'm going to pick the only person on the panel's superior to me. It's Noah Noah next week. I was just thinking the same thing, Cecil. I know you were the only one better than you. All right. Well, for Cecil Noah, Eli and Heath, I'm Tom. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week. And by then Noah will be an expert on something else between now and then you should listen to our other shows They aren't as good, but they are more numerous. You can catch Eli's blog somewhere ask his mom she book marked it Noah Heath and Eli pander to three different and identical audiences over at the skating atheist got awful movies and the skeptic rat

See tonight will shine up the knob over at gloryhole Studios, and you can list them all we do at a cognitive dissonance. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash citation pod. Or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can. If you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect to us on social media, or check our show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod.com, and remember, it's only losing if you're not rich when it's only losing if you're not rich when it's over

Um, and a quick thing before we wrap it up Um wikipedia didn't have anywhere near enough information about this guy So I was using a few other sources that deserve to be mentioned One of them was uh an article by Zachary Crockett Interesting writer actually check him out he wrote cool other stuff too I'm also an article from the New England Historical Society and a book Like I was talking about before from 1848 the cum book the cum book by Samuel Napp. I really hope that's the name of the book Anyway, we'll put I bought that to make kombucha and I was very

Like the extract. You can't taste the extraction process. This is the best. You cannot taste the difference. Hello, heath's phone. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I keep, all right. Yeah, no, I know. I'm sure she's very sick. No, no, sir, sir, sir, I'm, all right. Yeah, no, I know I'm sure she's very sick.

No, no, sir, sir, sir, I'm gonna stop you right there. I can't bite off your finger. No, that's, no, I care, damn it. Fuckin' Eli. Eli.