Citation Needed - Maximillian I of Mexico

Episode Date: December 2, 2020

Maximilian I (Ferdinand Maximilian Joseph Maria, Spanish: Fernando Maximiliano José María de Habsburgo-Lorena; 6 July 1832 – 19 June 1867) was an Austrian archduke who reigned as the only Emperor of the Second Mexican Empire from 10 April 1864 until his execution on 19 June 1867. A younger brother of Emperor Franz Joseph I of Austria, Maximilian had a distinguished career as commander-in-chief of the Imperial Austrian Navy. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

And so I told her, if you want, we can go to the Go machine store and get another room room. I'm sorry, Tom, do you mean car with the beeps, the one that goes beep, yeah, beep, like that. Pretty sure he means wow, yeah, beep. Well, see, that's your problem right there. The mic faces this way. Oh, see, Cecil never said that.

Cecil never said don't sit on your microphone. Sorry, yes, you did say that. He said that a lot. Hey, take that. Be like, what is Thomas Smith of the opening arguments podcast doing here? And seriously, where is only end-flaws for this space? Yeah, Thomas, are you like on our podcast now?

You can't be on all the podcasts. I mean, kinda Cecil said he was gonna be busy busy this week so i put me in charge of the podcast wait what cccil is not in charge of this podcast and if you i would definitely be a second place oh yeah well i don't know okay yeah i was surprised to but hey what's one more podcast i'm right plus i got all sorts of cool ideas i was, what if we come up with a new name apropos of nothing? I mean, I don't really understand how that title relates

to the show. Yeah, I guess so. Oh, it is the whole, well yeah, it literally doesn't. It doesn't at all. It's the title of it is that it doesn't. You know, a room room. It goes, it's got a shiny key friend. The car, yep.

Oh, look Thomas Thomas. I appreciate you coming all the way down here. But I mean, I got that Cecil did this in the spirit of today's episode about max million the first of Mexico. But you can't just be in charge of our podcast. I can't. No. Oh, okay. Well, all right. I guess I'll take all this legal weed I brought and go home. Now, you hear that everybody? Thomas is in charge. Now, you have to do what he says. Yay!

Put that in the comments, Mr. Abrams. So the microphone doesn't go on my butt at all. No, man. Not at all. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where you choose the subject to read a single article about on Wikipedia and pretend you're experts. Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Cecil, and I'll be your server this evening.

Let me start you out with some drinks. First up, a guy who almost certainly is accidentally drank from a can that someone died a cigarette out in, and another guy who drinks scotch that tastes like that on Pumbas, Nella and Pete. I could feel so much better about it if it had been someone else that put the bucket cigarette there. What are you doing recently? I've been doing my scotch with free-spired nicotine patches as a garbage. They dissolve.

You know what you do? He's you chill your nicarac gum and then just drop it in there and then it doesn't dilute the, like, ice. It's perfect. Yeah. Smart. Yeah. Also joining tonight, a guy who only orders off menu and another who orders everything

on it, Eli and Tom. Yeah. Sometimes they're just facts pages. I tore out of a vegan cookbook to the restaurant and tell them I'll be there at seven. Yeah. Can you show me? You know, one of the options for every menu is just, yes, sure is, you can just, it's the best. And I have done that.

Folks, you ever go out to eat, you know, before the pandemic and your waiter was super funny and charming and got everything you wanted before you even asked and then you didn't leave them a tip. Yeah, some of you were doing that right now. If you want to repent, be sure to stick around till the end of the show with that other way. Tell us, Tom, what person plays thing concept phenomenon or event we'll be talking about

today. Well, today on the suggestion of patron Jessica Davis, we will be talking about Maximilian, the first of Mexico. Okay. Noah, who was Maximilian the first in Mexico? And why does our stories start with the, they don't start with the Etruscan, which sometimes Tom deletes that stuff. So, uh, so, it was a 34 page script before we started. I just want to say before the edits. Now it's now down to 32. All right, so yeah, so he was an Austrian noble who gained famous enable commander that's been a few years telling the people of Mexico

that he was their emperor before catching a fatal case of no the fuck you are. He feels oddly topical. Yeah, no, yeah, I like to get my first. All right, so Maximilian was born on July 6th of 1832 in the Shun Brun Palace in Vienna. And if his blood was any bluer, he'd be a god damn horseshoe crab. His name is Ferdinand Maximilian after his paternal uncle Ferdinand, the first emperor

of Austria and his maternal grandfather Maximilian, the first Joseph, King of Bavaria. His mother, Princess Sophia Bavaria, was apparently a smart, ambitious, and talented individual. His father, Archduke Franz Karl, not so much. The like he quotes historian Richard O'Connor who describes Max's dad as quote, an amably dim fellow whose main interest in life was consuming bowls of dumplings drenched in gravy.

And lost it. Ah, to be thought of as amably dim to eat dumplings, drunced in gravy, if I had a computer simulated heaven, I could not think of anything else to add. That would be it. And now that I know this and it's taken, I need to think of a new attitude. Right?

So that's not, sorry about that. And fuck. Now, because old timey royalty has a very real housewives of Wurtonburg feel to it. There were rumors that it was the product of an extra marital affair between his mom and Napoleon the second, the guy who was emperor of France for like 11 minutes at one point. And this rumor made it into his Wikipedia page 190 years later, but that's no one near the other thing.

That sucks. I feel like it's like great. And you're going to write about how my dad was bang or my mom was banging. Right. But that's no one near the other thing. That sucks. I don't know. It's like great. And you're going to write about how my dad was bang, or my mom was banging something on the slide. Right, yeah. So she certainly 200 years ago. But no, fully in the second.

Yeah. But I wish my mom was banging the button. The second. All right. Well, I am sure. All right. So that's nowhere near the weirdest thing to sneak into a Swickipedia page though. There's also this childhood picture of him that was very Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's weird and it's a weird like pedophilic glamour shot of like the A.T.

Yeah, I'm sure. It's on a couch like George Costanza. It's a pretty much. It's a pretty much. But see, and based on all the other pictures of him as an adult, I'm willing to bet that this was the last time wanting to fuck him ever happened. Okay, because after that, the dude looks like a monster's cameo about a werewolf whose heart just isn't in it anymore.

Wait, it looks like Ted Cruz? That's what he's been doing. Kind of. Yeah, actually. And the turnover happened so fast. It's very jarring. Like, he's a beautiful kid. Kinda looks like pixie cut Emma Watson.

Yeah. So it's like Hermione Hermione Hermione. Ted Cruz is somewhere. And it's so fast. Yeah. It's a sharp. I imagine if Ted just shaved the beard right down the middle in a stripe. Yeah. All right. So anyway, he grew up as Eddie Uber rich Austrian noble wood. I guess he had a private tutor and horses and people to step on if he needed to reach a high shelf. He was heavily educated for his day and apparently he was insanely competitive. Huh?

Sounds like he except smart and rich. Okay. And yeah, didn't let me finish. Great. Short. Okay. So he was the second son of a second son which made him a royal afterthought. No, we call those kids surprises.

Yeah, right. Well, he was a surprise as a surprise. So he was determined nonetheless to prove to everybody that he was actually the most qualified to lead the empire. After all, there were all kinds of shit and older cousin or brother could die of back then, right? Yeah, like a younger cousin or brother. Max is just shy of his 16th birthday with the revolutions of 1848, wrapped all across Europe. So this is a series of political upheavals that are often referred to as the springtime of the peoples or the spring of nations We're in a bunch of popular revolution sought to overturn monarchies with democratic systems

Emperor Ferdinand sees the writing on the wall and decides to abdicate his throne, but not Not in the favor of something liberal or democratic He just wants to retire and not have to worry about that shit anymore So he has his shit show of a throne to somebody else, specifically Maxime millions older brother, Franz Joseph. Okay. Feels like that's just going to be a big back and forth of abdicating, right? I feel like that was the origin of no backsees, right?

Touch the throne, you're on it. Touch the throne. Okay, no, just to clarify, he abdicated because the people wanted a democracy, so he gave them a different monarch. Yep, did that fool anyone? Was he just like, okay, just change your name to fill democracy. Boom. No, he's just like, what we need is somebody with the energy to kill these motherfuckers.

And that's what he got. So Emperor Frans chose his first job was to put down all these protests and riots and shit. And his little brother accompanied him on several campaigns to do that over the next year. It would take hundreds of deaths and thousands of imprisoned agitators to put down the revolution.

And to his credit, Maximilian was horrified by the brutality of the campaign and openly complained. Uh, he said later, quote, we call our age the age of enlightenment, but there are cities in Europe where in the future men will look back and horror and Amazement at the injustice of tribunals which in a spirit of vengeance condemned a death those who's only crime land wanting something different to the arbitrary rule of Governments which placed themselves above the law. End quote. Okay, so it hurt him more than it hurt them. Yeah, exactly.

Well, so is right as he wound up being, this will be an increasingly erratic quote. And the story goes on. Yes, I would never do anything like that. Not me, that's the true one. Well, the important part is it's horrifying when it happens in Europe. Yes. See atrocities are like real estate location location location. All right. So by the time he's 18,

Maximilian is a little tennis. And the Navy and the wiki literally makes it out like that's because he's so darn good at his studies or some shit. And that's what's the deal for the job. and not because he's the fucking brother of the emperor. But regardless of how he got there by 1854, he's the 18 year old commander of the Corvette Minerva. As I know, apparently a Corvette is a small worship that is traditionally the smallest class of vessel considered to be a proper worship.

It's the next boat down from a frigate. So at the ripe old age of 22, he was appointed commander in chief of the Imperial Austrian Navy. All right, so now you might be thinking to yourself, hold on a second. Is an Austria Landlocked No, no, because it's not. It's a huge island full of kangaroos That's not even all right, so but so Austria was way bigger back in the 1860s. And back then, it actually was still in. I was, I was, it didn't matter though.

If you wanted to be a major player at this point, military history, you needed a big ass Navy. And Nepatissum or no, Maximilian actually turned out to be a pretty good naval commander in chief, at least compared to whatever random ass Duke got the job from his uncle before that. So he set out immediately modernizing the fleet and reorganizing their naval doctrine. Okay, guys. Step one. Just all this shit needs wheels.

He's playing everywhere. Well, Franklin, our frigate is complete. Ain't she a beauty? Oh, yes frigate is complete. Ain't she a beauty. Oh yes indeed sir, but you know one thing. 14 can on each side, solid oak and fast. Oh man, she's the finest ship in the Austrian Navy I'll tell ya. I think everyone can see that sir.

The problem I see is that there's a- She's well equipped. Yes, no worry about starvation on my ship. The hold is full of schnitzel and soccer towards we will rule the seas and eat like kids. I love soccer. Sure. I sure do, but I just wanted to point out one thing. What is it, Franklin? It's according to Google Maps, it's a 64-hour walk to the sea, sir. And? It's a ship. How are we going to get the ship to the sea? Ah, you think we uncover, do you?

It has handles. Handles, sir. Yes, of course. Two of them. Of course, sir. What on each side, franklin' sides. Let's not reinvent the handle here. Alright, so I should note too that Max was a big fan of the sciences, specifically botany. One of the big reasons he wanted to kick ass Navy is that he was jealous of all the

other major powers being able to hog up all the cool scientific discoveries. Within a couple of years to take it over the Navy, he initiated a large scale two year scientific expedition on the frigate SMS Navara, which would become the first Austrian worship to circumnavigate the globe. But he also could kick some ass. It was the fleet that he put together after all that allowed Admiral Wilhelm von Tegetoff to dominate the North Sea during the second Schleswig War of the 64. Yes, that will help on tagotop. Wow.

No, sometimes I worry your essays are too mainstream and related. I know. That's probably a good joke. So he was also considered a progressive liberal by the standards of his day, which were admittedly neither progressive nor liberal. But its reputation as a reformer and a modern thinker made him a great candidate when his brother had to replace an old stuffy vice-eroy that had come to embody the old way to an increasingly discontented populist. It's like picking Kamala Harris as your running mate. It makes the progressives feel a little better even though vice-president can't really do

anything. Being landlocking voting for your favorite naval captain, that sounds like the primary actually now that we should let Iowa go for it. Yeah. Yeah. The ocean thing. Um, anyway, so, uh, maximally, it takes over as the vice Roy of the kingdom of Lombardi Venetia, which is a puppet government that allows Australia to kind of have a coastline. And for those unfamiliar with the term, vice Roy, that basically means representative of the king or in this case, the emperor. So he's the guy that makes the day-to-day policy in an area on behalf of the sovereign. And at this point in the story, Max is 25 years old, which is a little late in a story of 19th century royalty to get to the cousin fucking, but yes,

it's around this time that he marries his second cousin, Charlotte, daughter of Leopold I of Belgium. Yeah, no, that's an excellent point. No, a cousin fucking should start much younger. Make where you think. Well, you're the one who used the word should. I'm not making a value now, unfortunately for Max, he didn't get the memo that he was only supposed to look liberal. And he actually started being liberal. And that pissed off his brother, who ultimately fired him in favor of a less progressive vice-right. About 16 minutes later,

the population told Franz Joseph to fuck off, and shortly afterwards, Austria lost damn near all of its Italian possessions. Meanwhile, Maximilian fucked off to Trieste to build himself a big ass castle and spend his days classifying plants or something. I'm not too liberal for you, am I liabilities comedy? No, I or something. I'm not too liberal for you. Am I libilius comedy?

No, I'm not. I'm your favorite vice-street. May I say it? Okay. So but then in 1859, it's a plan. He's talking about a plan. Yeah. So in 1859, he was approached by a Mexican nobleman on the hunt for a good emperor.

I made up. Yeah. I only appear to have emperor hunting if you eat what you hunt for a good emperor. I made up. Yeah, I only appeal to emperor hunting if you eat what you kill. Amen, brother. Amen. Yeah. So the Habsburgs had ruled the vice royalty of new Spain from its establishment until the war of Spanish succession.

And as a member of the House of Habsburg Lorraine and the brother of a European emperor, the Mexican monarchists figured that he had more legitimacy than any potential emperor would. I or at the very least any potential emperor that didn't stand a chance in hell of ruling in Europe and therefore wouldn't want to go to Mexico. Yeah. Today we call that quality of politician a senator. Exactly. Right.

Right. So his first official invitation came on October 30th, 1861 in the form of a letter from a Mexican diplomat named Geteras de Estrada, who asked him directly to just assume the throne of Mexico. And at first, Max turned him down and I'm sure he told himself to assume someone's throne. That was ridiculous. Well, you make an ass out of it. Well, you know what?

He is the big ass out of himself and Geteras. So yeah. So I'm sure that like at the time, he said, you know what? I'm too progressive and noble to plunge this blossoming democracy back into monarchical rule, but a truth that was almost certainly because he didn't think it was going to fucking work, right? Mexico already had themselves a ruler after all, and that motherfucker wasn't the one sending them a letter.

So, but as soon as it be claimed clear though that a country with a big ass army had his back, he couldn't sign on the dotted line fast enough. Well, a rich guy is rounding up his proud boys to go to war for him so he can illegitimately seize power and Noah is halfway through his essay. So, let's take a quick break for Apropos. Oh, nothing. His lordship maxed millionth first by Sroyo Venkia! Ah, cousin, do come in. Lord Emperor, I am at your service forever and eternally your servant.

Oh, right, ah, go ahead and do your hair, and so look, ah, what, ah, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, no, it's not that it's just that they see a little Specific hmm how though my lord Right so uh, for instance, I asked you to set your spies a a list of trainers to the crowd Hmm indeed emperor, but you just sent me a list of people who are Canceled yeah your highness each and every one of form of Stan, we had no choice but to over. Yeah, no idea what any of that means. Also, your policy of giving arms to the poor. Yes, your greatness. I mean, the policy itself is a little off of what we would want, but you appear to have embroidered your misive oddly embroidered. How so?

Peter, you've embroidered your misive oddly. Embroidered? How so? Oh, these little drawings of hands? Oh, yes, my lord. Clap hands, clap hands. Clap hands, clap hands. Yes. Because I really mean it. I have to be honest with you, because I don't think you're right for the job. Ah, well, you will you're right for the job. Ah! Well... Uh, you will be alright without your post, right?

Oh, yeah! I should rely on my only kind of ironic only thing. Well, before we took a break, someone was going to build an emperor and make Mexico pay for it. What happened next? All right, so before we get back to mex, we need to talk about mex. So Mexico gained independence from Spain in the 1810. It would be mex, actually mex and mox would be the next one. You did it.

So it did max. Yep. And it's tax nailed it. So a Mexico gained independence from Spain in 1810 and then every dozen or so years, they would completely reform their government and try something new. Again, feels topical, feels fresh. Yep. Yeah.

So you had a series of failed empires and then you had the first federal republic by 1824, 11 years and 16, and so state later, you have the centralist republic that lasts until 1846, when it's replaced by the second federal republic, but by 1857, that system had erupted in a full blown civil war, which would last until 1860. It is a lot of upheaval, but still a notably stable number and a rough-to-do-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de- the political economic and cultural power of the Catholic Church. So they lost them. I don't boy. Well, and also to severely reduce the role of the Mexican army in day-to-day affairs. So

yeah, birds. And since the Catholic Church was a vestige of colonial rule that the European powers wanted to protect, and since the army is an army, these reforms lead to war between the liberal reformers and the conservatives that want the army and an army, these reforms lead to war between the liberal reformers and the conservatives that want the army and chairs to retain their power and maybe want their very own emperor. This is very topical. Like somehow this ends up at Quattro Estaciones total landscape. Ultimately under the leadership of President Benito Juarez the liberal faction won out, but it was a Piric Victor

Hmm a Piric victory indeed no well stated well stated really yeah, you thought those well Yeah, I agree. Yeah, I really quick for five thousand don't do this what does Piric me triangle shaped What does pierc me triangle shaped? You are you're not worth it Tom. You are no it means no not worth it. That's well it can be both It can be all three Tom has no idea what a car is but he can tell you what pierc means My character

It's not internally. He's got his biggest, but he has his own. He's like, it's the thing with the wheels. It's the wheel thing. I turned the volume down a little bit. Each sketch is so good. It's going to be non-verbal. I mean, it's true.

Peter means not working. Idiot. All right. To Mexico's infrastructure was in shambles as was their economy. Yeah, they probably just got tired of all the winning. Yeah, yeah, poor guys. Yeah, poor guys. The conservative faction had been defeated, but they hadn't disappeared and they were

still making demands of the Juarez government. At the same time, Mexico had racked up a ton of foreign debt over the course of the war and now that it was over, great Britain Britain, France and Spain wanted their fucking money. So Juarez realizes he can't meet all of his obligations. And if he tries to service the foreign debt, he's going to have to do so at the cost of rebuilding the national infrastructure and therefore getting the fucking economy restarted. So he declares a two year moratorium of loan interest payments to French, British, and Spanish creditors.

And France. Well, yeah, British, and Spanish creditors. And France, well, yeah, they invaded the fucking country. Repo tellboat is gingerly trying to pull Mexico out without damaging the Western half the United States. We need like bugs, but we already started writing the tickets. We're taking this. All right. So this invasion is, of course, a violation of the Monroe doctrine, where in the United

States, called dibs unexplored all the brown people that live south of them, but the US had its own civil war to deal with just then, which meant that the most American leadership could really do was send a bunch of letters that said, come on, guys. But it did put a ticking clock on the conflict, as the European powers basically knew that they needed to wrap their shit up and be done before the good guys beat the losing slave owning losers that lost in the US Civil War. Just because we pre-record these shows, Noah's talking about the first Civil War. No good point.

Yeah, no good. Good on you. So, okay, so most of the world knows this is the second French intervention in Mexico. Uh, yeah, but as sanitized as that might sound as far as names for invasions, come, it's still a little too harsh for the French who refer to it as the Mexican expedition or even the Mexican adventure. Nice. The Aztec, John. Oh, he said.

And by the way, if that sounds bad, I should note that they still to this day refer to the first French intervention in Mexico as the pastry war. Oh, pastry war. Don't know versus Danish, the prequels. Bulls actually, it's real. Ironically, not a Napoleon. No, actually, it's our fascinating conflict where nearly 300 people die over a rooted pastry shop.

See now, this may be the only war whose origin story I fully support. Okay, I am on board right now. Yeah, unfortunately, it's too far afield to go into any more detail than that. And also very solid chance it'll have its own episode eventually Well last time I had a Mexican adventure or Aztec John it ended with Eli and a donkey. There's a one night Actually, I wonder how the dog he's doing. I've branded him on Facebook, but I guess you didn't see it Facebook, but I guess you didn't see it. In the format.

That's weird. He saw my. Yeah. He's a work. So all right. So you might be wondering why this is the dark talk. Yeah. I don't even know how many friended me. Yeah. I zoomed with Tom and C. So he's well, we're tight.

Yeah. He's like, see so's best friend. Good. All right. So but now now he likes to your life because he's definitely not tight. best friend. Good. All right. But now now we like those that you're like, because he's definitely not tight. So, so you might be wondering why this is called the French intervention. Yeah. They sat France down with all of its family. Your addiction to Mexico has affected my life in the following ways. Oh, yes. Spoiler, Tom. That's exactly what fucking

happens. I'll, but no, but why call it the French intervention if France is only one of the three countries intervening. Well, it turns out that's because the other two countries planned on leaving at some point. So in I cover of 1861, like three months after this invasion, they agree to the Convention of London, which basically made their involvement into it a little more than a debt renegotiation with dead guys in it. They surrendered before France, that's rough. Well, no, like Mexico agreed to their demands, right? But France figures, hey, you know what, we're already here.

We would be able to hold. We might as well just take over Mexico and make it a puppet government of the French Empire. Man, and then they like, they left and we didn't like, we missed out on French mechs cuisine because this didn't work out. Oh, that sounds great. Snail or readers. That would have been fucking amazing. What a great, amazing. So obviously, this is where Maximilian rejoiced the story right so he and his brother hate each Okay, so he and his brother hate each other at this point and there's no in hell he's ever gonna have any real power in Europe anymore And he still got this tenuous claim to the Spanish throne There are plenty of potential conservative allies in Mexico too

There's still nursing their bruisers from the Civil War they just lost and they'd be damn amenable to a new emperor specially if you agreed to reinstate the power of the church and the army rich guys used to ruin the world because of their own narcissism what the fuck you believe that now you might be thinking to yourself too topical you might think to yourself oh wait wasn't he a liberal reformer why would he aid in the overthrow of a liberal government to replace it with a regressive monarchy? And the answer to that question is, give me a fucking break, Pollyanna. Okay. If somebody offered you the Mexican throne tomorrow and you figured there was a pretty solid chance, they could make it

stick. Your personal politics would be way more monarchical by the end of the day. Okay. So once Francis is actually in possession of Mexico City, he says, why the fuck not? And he signs off. Me is King of Mexico. Just imagine it. ... ...

See, so you played the doodly-do-I route, right? Huh? Yeah, absolutely, for sure. Yeah, otherwise, you just bought those sombreros for nothing, so it's... Right? Yeah, absolutely for sure. Yeah, otherwise you just bought those some brarrows for nothing. So it's right. Yeah, thank you. So, so before he can do any of this, of course, he has to sort out this shit back home. So he enters into this bitter negotiation with France Joseph that includes renouncing all rights to the Austrian throne and his title as an archduke.

Basically, that amounts to burning his bridges on the way out the door. He also gets a quick blessing from the Pope, gets a thumbs up from Queen Victoria, and he sets sail for his new empire. Oh, classic family dynamic. You ask your older brother for Mexico, and he just says, go ask your queen mother. Kind of reminds me more of like a bad friend dynamic before a fight in like the waffle house. Yeah. yeah, totally you should go go fight the ethnic guy. You know, you know, like the rest of the story pretty much plays that exactly like that too, only on a larger scale. He's you asked people to fight the ethnic guy a lot.

I'm just saying like a lot, like a lot. I'm the air. I receive some kind of Mexican. Like a lot, like a lot. All the air. willing to accept that this European monarch over a liberal government, but they would have preferred somebody home grown. And even the French would rather not hand things over to a liberal Austrian whose loyalties were more or less unknown at this point, but he was what they had. So he arrives to a national go fuck yourself in Veracruz in May of 1864. Conservative guys ruling to settle on an emperor just maintain power.

That seems really impossible. I don't know. He's not having parallels. All right. Well, the bad guys lose in this. All right. So. I should note that the country wasn't exactly his for the taking, right?

So the French expeditionary forces were still engaged with Warras's loyalists at this point. So Maximilian chooses Mexico City as his imperial seat. He sets up residents in the eminently defensible Chipotle peck castle and sets about emperor. And one of his first orders of business is acquiring a good heir. So he had his cousin having a kids. So he adopts two kids that are grand sons of a guy who was briefly recognized as Mexico's emperor in the 1820. So he just goes to the border.

There's a nice showroom there and they have all the kids on display and edges. It's great. He's a Mexican kid. It's great. Yeah. So they come with their shots in a microchip. How does that work? They do not.

They do not. We lose a lot of them. Yeah. All right. Basically, we were free range before him. microchip how does that work? They do not they do not know. We lose a lot of them. Yeah. All right. Basically, we're free range before him. So yes, God. Ah, damn.

Of course, the last thing this liberal reformer who just took power wants is to give a bunch of power back up. So he disappoints his conservative allies quick and he fails to reinstate the former power of the church. In fact, he upholds a bunch of the liberal policies of the Juarez government, including land reform, religious reform, extending the vote beyond landowners. He even offered Juarez amnesty in exchange for allegiance, uh, which the conservatives did not want him to do.

And since Juarez turned him down too, he ended up pissing off his allies for pretty much nothing. That's right. What are you doing at the strip club? What. What are you doing at the strip club? What are you doing at the strip club? I am telling. I'm telling dead. All right.

So despite his inability to pass up by the country, many European powers were quick to recognize him as the legitimate ruler of Mexico, including Russia, Prussia. I know you already said that one, Noah. No, it's two different places. And of course, Australia, that doesn't exist. But throughout all of it, Prasha, I know you already said that one. No, it's two different places and Australia But

Throughout all of it I don't know a car All right, so but throughout all of it you just continues to back war rash and It may have Tom 100% has like the Flintstones car. He's got the giant rack of ribs thing going on. All right. So, but throughout all of it, you must continue to back War as an in May of 1865, they wrap up their civil war and told Maximilian he needs to go ahead and fuck off. The US government puts increasing pressure on the French to withdraw their troops and they started unofficially

arming War as his troops by the losing arms shipments over and over again near the Mexican border. There's just more agents kicking over the guns. All right. So Maximilian responds by getting tough. He orders his so called black to create an October of that year, which basically says, look, if you're in a group that I haven't personally approved of that's organized in any way, I'm going to kill you. And he did thousands of people were executed and somehow disbailed to endearing them to the Mexican people. Genesiding a bunch of innocent people in the last minute power.

It sounds more like a white decree to me, but right. Yes. That's a name. So by 1866, France withdrew their troops. Partly this was due to pressure from the US, but the first sparks of what would eventually become the Franco-Prussian war were already flying and they knew that they were gonna need all the troops

they could get back home pretty soon. Not that it's gonna end up mattering. Anyway, Maximilian refuses to advocate even when the French urge him to do so. He fought on into 1867 and he eventually winds up a procedure in a city called Santiago de Curitiro. He holds up there for a few weeks, but eventually the Republican forces overrun the city and capture him. His court marshal de sentenced the death and despite several pleas from European heads of state, the newly reinstalled Juarez government carries through

with their sentence and executes him by firing squad at 6.40 a.m, a June 19th of 1867. He gave each of the executioners by the way, a gold coin and asked them not to shoot him in the head so that his mother could see his face. One last time. This man, you look like a werewolf on chemo. Trust me, she's gonna be cool. We're not gonna make it worse. For instance, it's a Pog of the, that's for sure. Yeah. After this day at a 47 year streak We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse.

We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse.

We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse.

We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. We're not gonna make it worse. Brands, first. So just for reference, this guy had money on him in jail and the guards were okay with taking money for favors and he didn't buy this way out of jail. Wait, no wonder he didn't make his way in Mexico. I just, I figured I all took the money. He's like, wow, I shoulda, wow, I, I undersold this. Yeah, they were probably like surprised. They had a shoot.

I'm like, everybody just pays us. We didn't think. I haven't had a shoot. Like everybody just pays us. We didn't think we'd get this far. I have another thing. I have another thing. Pip, pip, pip. Pip. All right.

So after his execution, Maximilian's body was in bomb the displayed in Mexico City, because people were way more fucked up back than we usually give him credit for. The next year his body was shipped back to Austria and placed in the Imperial, Quipton, Vienna, where it can apparently still be viewed today because the people of today are more fucked up than we usually get in front of.

No, yeah, to summer as you learn in one sentence, I would be. Apparently Mexico has its very own history just like America. Oh, no. Are you ready for the quiz? See. All right, Noah. Yes. Oh no! Are you ready for the quiz? See. All right, Noah. What famous dish is named after Maximilian I?

Is it A, the Mexican pizza? What? Oh, that's B. They get worse. That was the one I really. Yeah. All right, well this is actually impressive then. If you go the open, please don't shoot me in the face sandwich. Wow. Hold your head. Hold your head. And see down. Don't worry. Here it comes. The black bean degree I don't want to ask this. I don't want to turn around bags good again.

Yeah, no, it's like the horseshoes here. You're a bad runner. It's very infrequent that we do a question that makes me rethink this whole segment. And that was one of them. All right. So since I only have to work harder than Eli on this, I believe it's super answer D, Chili con carnage. Oh, that's fantastic.

That's correct, correct. Bravo. Hey, Chili con carnage. Well done. All right, Noah, Maximilian was not able to properly take over and hold Mexico. What lessons should Maximilian have learned about capturing Mexico as a foreigner?

Hey, if they ask you if you are their returning God king, that answer is B, just rename it Texas. Yeah, there you go. California is all kind of. All right, so again, I think it's a secret answer. I'm going to go go with C just plan to be on the shitter for most of that first evening Got it one All right, no, I got one for you. So Ted Cruz is an ugly person Yes, okay, I just want to leave that hanging for a true True, he's an unattractive person. Yeah.

And the Civil War beard made it even worse. So what's the name? I don't know that there was a worse. What? You think it would cover stuff, but it made it, he's got the skin mask thing going, but it made, it did make it worse. What is the name of Ted Cruz's barber shop? Hey, trim Crow. B, Phantom of the Chopra or C, 12 years of shave.

Alright, wait, those are too good for you. Those are great. Yeah, I can't do a secret answer on that one. I'm just going to have to go go with B Phantom of the Chopra. Yeah, absolutely correct. Oh, so good. I know what signaled the end of the pastry war, A, the bombing of Charlotte,

B, the Tet Offensive, C, the Battle of Stalin, grad, Stalin, grad. And now, gosh, I'm telling you, there's like one pastry chef in the audience that's like, see, look, grudge it right now. Yes, that's a point.

That's a bit so good. D, the sinking of the Bismarck. That's so good. I'm gonna go with B, the Tete Fence of, because that one I got. All right. Tete Fence of because that one I got. All right. TeteFence is it. Oh, sorry.

But he's our way funnier, so Keith wins. Oh, okay. Yeah, you go. Next week, let's hear some, just not factual information, Eli, you're up. Oh, that means me. Yeah, that's perfect. Is that a question?

All right, well, for Heath, Eli, Tom and Noah, I'm Cecil perfect. Is that a question? All right. Well, for Heath, Eli, Tom and Noah, I'm Cecil. Thank you, Frank, and out with us today. We'll be back next week, and by then, Eli will be reading something false between now and then. You can check out our other shows, both video and audio. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can get per episode donation at patreon.com slash

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Yeah. He's still pretty bad about cooking ramen with me. He's pretty sore. And if you like it, don't forget to check out past episodes, can I go to the social media or check the show notes, be sure to check out CitationPod.com. So, couldn't get CitationNeeded.com, huh? No, we could not. We couldn't, no. Holy shit, Thomas, have you been here this whole time?

Of course. Oh, so how was it? How dare you, sir! Get out of here, Thomas! Of course, oh, so how was it? How dare you say at all. Fine, fine, fine. Everyone knows this pronounced rabbi. It's not fooling anyone.