Citation Needed - Miyamoto Musashi

Episode Date: April 5, 2023

Miyamoto Musashi (宮本 武蔵, c. 1584 – 13 June 1645),[1] also known as Shinmen Takezō, Miyamoto Bennosuke or, by his Buddhist name, Niten Dōraku,[2] was a Japanese swordsman, philosopher, strategist, writer and rōnin, who became renowned through stories of his unique double-bladed swordsmanship and undefeated record in his 61 duels (next is 33 by Itō Ittōsai). Musashi, as he was often simply known, is considered a Kensei, a sword-saint of Japan.[3] He was the founder of the Niten Ichi-ryū, or Nito Ichi-ryū, style of swordsmanship, and in his final years authored The Book of Five Rings (五輪の書, Go Rin No Sho) and Dokkōdō (獨行道, The Path of Aloneness). Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Heath, you are my best friend and we will defeat whatever challenges we might face through the power of friendship. Indeed no illusions, our friendship is stronger than even the most powerful force in the universe. Indeed, but Heath, something troubles me. Eh? What's that, Noah? Did we always talk like this? I feel like maybe we did not.

Eh? Impossible. There's only one solution, we must ask our master Cecil. Indeed we must. I am the dark master, Cecil, something Italian. You called for me? Master, you are so powerful and amazing. Yes, I am. But can you tell me? Did we always talk like this?

Tom! Tom! Eh? What is that? This is Tom Tom, I talk in Louris. We are best friends. Tom Tom! Exactly. You said it Tom Tom! Exactly. You said it Tom Tom. But you are right Heath. We did not always talk like this.

You fools! Eli, the Dark Mistress. That's right, it's me. Eli, the Dark Mistress of Darkness. You fools have fallen for my Dark Land of Darkness. Once again, ha ha ha. Eh? Tom Tom!

That's right! To prepare you for this week's podcast about Miyamoto Musashi, I have trapped all of you into this cartoonifier, and you will remain here until you can defeat me in my powerful powers of darkness. Ah ha ha ha ha! But you shall never catch me, and you shall never find me. Tsk!

Is this where like, out, right? Like, all the like out, right? Like all the way out, you guys saw that? Totally. Yeah, super obvious. Tom Tom! Hello and welcome, the citation needed. The podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts.

Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Eli Bosnick and I'll be your waifu this evening. But I'll need a Sempire too to show me how to love. What? First up, two men pretending they don't watch that kind of porn just as hard as they can. Uh. Cecil and Heath.

We're like, uh, cowboy, bebop and rock steady. Do I have a right? Any of that, sure. Back in my day, you still have to use your imagination or the JC Penny catalog get off my lawn Jesus And also joining us tonight guys who miss when finding a body in the woods and finding porn in the woods for the same thing Tom and Noah Okay, is it weird would you find them both at the same time but only report the one?

Maybe we're if you added the porn? You also also that guy on the phone, you know, kids could come by this. All right. Well, now that we've scared off anyone who might be giving this show a try because they're friend-explanarant, Bill, if you get that away, I like to take a moment to thank our patrons. Patrons, you are the steal of our blade, the head of our arrow, the third thing, note to self-right this later, don't forget. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks,

be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us, Cecil, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event? We'll be talking about today. Today we're gonna be talking about Mie Moro Musashi. And Cecil, you sexually roleplayed this guy enough times

that you didn't really need to read an article. But you did it anyway. Are you ready to give us the clean version? There is no clean version, Eli. There is no clean version. All right, so tell us, Cecil. What are the nerdiest 11 words you can start a citation needed as they were?

That's the 11, huh? Okay. 11. So, hey guys, my mom won the lead Bennett Hopkins award. That's 11, right? How dare you? So coming in place, second place, here's the second nerdiest. If you've ever been around any kind of sword combat

simulation, you've probably heard the name Miyamoto Musashi. It's a name that is synonymous with skill, bravado, and precision. The name even makes its way into Western martial arts. And yes, there are Western martial arts. In fact, the famous line from the Princess Bride. Naturally, but I find the Tibleth cancels out Capaphero, and then the response, unless your enemy has studied his Agrippa, those were all real Western martial artists that created their own style of fighting, and one day I will bore you with them. But today I will bore you with Musashi. Okay, Cecil, obviously the West has its own version of martial arts.

Perhaps you've not seen our uniform, the backwards ball cap, or heard perhaps our battle cry. Are you talking to me? This Jimmy's parking lot isn't big enough for the two of us. Don't worry, Cecil, one day I'll do an essay on the guy who made Donkey Kong and yours won't be the nerdiest Miyamoto episode anymore. I got you. Musashi is remembered for his swordsmanship as an undefeated dualist of 61 duels. He should also be recognized as an author and artist, a poet, a tactician, and a philosopher.

Just like Steven Sikoff. Ha ha ha ha. Much of this story is autobiographical and hard to verify, but it isn't hard to believe that he considered himself all of those things. In fact, Samurai were trained in many diverse arts, and a lot of them practice poetry or art. And you require no real qualifications

to consider yourself any of these things anyway. Here, watch, I'm a poet. See, it's that easy. It's literally that easy. Okay, but ever since what women made rhyming optional with enough dramatic emphasis, the Sears catalog is indistinguishable from most modern poets.

So I know this because I once read from it at an open mic,. Did you seriously? Okay. It wasn't it was a pet catalog, but yeah. Yeah. Off a lot of stone throwing here in this glass house we call a podcast gentleman. Let's just podcast is going to leave it at Hopkins work. Musashi was born according to his autobiography in 1584.

That would be 2023 in today's years. No, sorry, that means absolutely nothing up to me. His father was a martial arts teacher and an accomplished martial artist himself. Supposedly he was taught at a young age how to fight by his father. It must have been damn young because at the age of six, he and his father parted ways.

One version of this story is that six or seven year old Musashi traveled to his uncles on his own. In any case, a lot of the sources say his father taught him the fundamentals of the sword, and then he was shipped off to his uncle who was a Buddhist and he lived in some kind of monastery or temple. One of the lesser known noble truths. I'll be back in 15 minutes. I'm just getting cigarettes. No.

Oh, Jesus. All right, so you saw, let's talk skin. What's the situation with? Dermatology. I have a Miyamoto Musashi. This is so weird. At this point in the story, multiple sources decide to talk about his axima.

It's about time. Now I suppose more than one of these did this because this is where the wiki article mentions it, but in any case, they said as axima affected his appearance and then the wiki says, quote, another story claims that he never took a bath because he didn't want to be surprised unarmed. Okay, I get it, but here's the thing, you get attacked by naked Eli with the sword. He had hidden in his bubble bath. You quickly realize the surprise can go the other way on that.

Very surprising. So, the little Buddhist practitioner and budding swordsman decided to have his first tool at 13. Young swordsman was basically taking on all comers and the adept's name was Arima Kihei. He posted publicly that he would fight anyone who wanted to sign up. So Musashi signed the challenge. When the message came to Musashi that the challenge had been accepted, Musashi's uncle tried to intervene. He Came to speak to the fighter, explained that his nephew was too young and impetuously signed his name to the challenge.

So he high said that he would let it go if Musashi apologized. So he said to Musashi's uncle that he and his nephew should come at the designated time of the fight and in front of everyone, he should apologize. Wait, wait, sign up. There's a fucking sign up sheet for a duel to the death. Yes, yes. Wait, which one? With a light, you mean it back.

He's going for a year, right? What, this seems so fucking polite. So, dutifully, his uncle dragged Musashi up to the grounds at the point of time. And at this point, his uncle begins to apologize profusely. So also, at this point armed with a six foot quarter staff that Musashi challenges the guy again. Now some sources say he just rushed the guy, but in any case, a fight ensues. It isn't long the adept swings his sword at Musashi, which the 13-year-old easily blocks,

and then he knocks the guy off his feet. And as Kaha is getting up, Musashi cracks him in the skull, repeatedly with the staff until he dies. Now here's a quote from a book called the Lonesa MRI on the Duel. Quote, Kaha was said to have been arrogant, overly eager to battle, and not a terribly talented swordsman and quote. Which is why it's fine that I surprise attack them and beat him to death.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, his Moshiga Shugyo, which means warrior's quest. This is basically

what European night, air entry was as well. A warrior coming of age heads out into the big wide world in search of adventure. They would travel, hone their skills, train with others, take odd gig jobs as bodyguards or mercenaries, and they would duel. Okay. The bar scene has not changed yet. No, it's not. I got to say it's not changed. Right?

But now I'm picturing like a medieval knight with one of those hobo bags on a stick. That seems incongruous, right? In a shooter armor. At 16, he also kills his next opponent. Tadashima Akiyama. It's not clear if he did this on his walkabout or not. Wikipedia has an entry for his opponent, quote, a rather unknown figure.

He is largely remembered for his defeat at the hands of the young Miyamoto Musashi and quote, rough. Oh, I'm sorry, not a lot of information there. Did he not post his sign up sheet? Like at the rec center? Is it? Do you have like one of those little bulletin board

tearoffs and ancient Japanese Starbucks or something? What the fuck is going on here? Just featuring Akiyama, huffing around heaven with Ben Johnson. This guy gets it. This guy fucking gets it. Great sit-tarm player. It's fine.

You listen to that podcast. No. Now, there are conflicting accounts. Some say he fought in a major battle at 16 right around this time. The Battle of Seki Kagahara had about 160,000 combatants of which between 12 and 42,000 were killed. According to one account, Musashi not only fought in the battle, but was unscathed, and many other fighters noticed how great he was.

Musashi himself never really mentions it, and just says he was in six battles during his lifetime. All right, guys, battles over. You are on clean up duty. Now, there's either 12,000 graves to dig or possibly three and a half times that many. We're not really sure. Does anyone have a roster? It's up to an aroster. Also, did anyone notice anyone else doing a particularly good job during this battle? Like, you know, that for history and no ancient Japanese heat, you cannot nominate yourself. Oh, I just I don't maybe I just don't understand pre-modern battles, but like I'm amazed that they have time to pause and go check out the game. Not a scratch on it.

I was going to say not a scratch on it, man. It's having a hell of a rookie year. I'm telling you. That's right. That's right. Right that. Now, when Musashi is around 20 is when things heat up for him. He arrives in Kyoto challenges the clan that was responsible for training the Shogun. The head of that household, Yoshioca C-Zero took the

challenge to a single touch and he fought Musashi with a wooden sword. Musashi was like an absolute king ahead games though and sets the time and date for the duel but shows up super late. Well naturally, C-Zero is pissed but he also thinks that Musashi is afraid of him. Then that blend of overconfidence and anger caused him not to fight as carefully as he should have. The fight is over quickly, and the one touch that Musashi delivers results in his opponent getting a broken arm. And then, according to one of the sources, the head of the clan

retires and becomes a monk in shame. Same guy looking down from heaven. There's a knock to the death version. There's a knock to the death version. So this guy's brother, Den Shichiro, takes over as the head of the clan and challenges Musashi. Again, Musashi shows up late and kills the guy with one hit to the face of the one sword. Now, the son of the original clan head is the leader of the clan and he challenges Musashi,

but he's only 13. They agree to a time and place, but the kid brings his whole crew. Now in one version of this story, they all attack him and Musashi fights off like 60 people armed with swords, spears, bows, and muskets. In another, all the clan hide and Musashi fights the 13 year old, cutting off his head with one strike and then killing several of the clan members until they retreat. In a much more likely legend, Musashi shows up early, hides, and when they're all just hanging out, waiting for him to show up, he jumps out,

kills the 13 year old clan leader and fights like two or three of these while people while he just retreats and escapes. Yeah, all right. She said I'm sorry. So he wants, I think I missed the part of the essay. See, so where he first broke out of his own coffin because he had mastered picking, picking death, that's true, whatever. Also, I'm not reading the book for verbatim, come on.

Also, surprise murdering a tween. It doesn't scream hero of legend there. I don't know. It's okay. It's not. Oh, all right. So when it's not Mario Kart related suddenly, yes, it's okay. Yes, what you said.

Yep. All the legends here seem to make a big deal of Musashi fighting several people at once and using his secondary sword in his offhand. I'm not sure how no one thought of that until he did, but they make a big deal out of it. It was common for the samurai to fight with Yutai or a Jutai, I don't know how to pronounce that,

which is like a metal, a rounded metal rod with a hook for a hilt, it's like half a U.T. or a Jute, I don't know how to pronounce that, which is like a metal, a rounded metal rod with a hook for a hilt. It's like half a sigh. And they would often use this little knife-like object in their offhand to bind their opponents blade. And I guess Musashi took it to the next level and just decided to go full DPS and use two offensive weapons, which was one of those mind blown moments in history. All right, well, while we wait for General Grievous to come along and show this guy what's what,

we'll take a break for some apropos of nothing. He's got like 30 swords. I'm telling you dude, her feet were like this little, it was insane. So hot, bro. Good evening, Jack Oman. Hey. Oh, hey, Mimoto. Hey, would you, I'm weary from a K of battle. Ah, it's a sea snow god, he said down, sure man.

Wait, huh? A bag of your flaming hot-dure coat, please. Right. Man, we don't have those. This is pre-modern Japan. Count like someone wants to do a goddamn house. I'll see what the kitchen can do. Anyway, um, how is your duel today, Mimoto?

Excellent. I pretended to poop my pants. And then, when he came over to help me up, I stabbed him into the throat. That's not true. Okay, I'm not sure that's like the spirit duels are supposed to be fought in. Spirit? There is no spirit. Only winners and the dead.

I mean, technically you don't have to kill everyone you duel, you know. If only that were the case. If only it was very much the case. It's the case. Which reminds me, did I ever tell you guys about the book I'm writing? It's about my two blades style. I invented it. I mean, look, man, don't take this the wrong way and duel me.

Isn't using two swords kind of cheating? Like, isn't that cheating? Thanks. What? How? Yeah, like never if fighting, it's like 3,000 years old now. You don't get to just bring whatever weapons you feel like. Like, two swords, that's just super obviously cheating.

Super cheating. Actually, special cheating. You didn't help me, gentlemen. like like two swords that's just super obviously cheating super cheating special you insult me gentlemen as you keep your company no longer now if you'll excuse me and you can surprise attack a literal child got it yeah man we'll see you dude you fucking smells right oh my god thank you it's like a like a beef-centred candle I thought I was gonna throw up. You mean I made these fucking Doritos for nothing? I'll eat them. And we're back. When we left off, the greatest swordsman in history killed a middle schooler and then ran away. He totally did.

He totally did. Who was his next opponent and how did Miyamoto push her out of her wheelchair? Oh, you don't understand genius. All right, it's also during this time that Musashi makes his grand tour around the island, strategically beating people who fight with different weapon styles. This seems to me to be a very purposeful part of his legend to help illustrate how fighting with two swords, a superior to all other forms. Yeah, it feels like double superior, like 20 years old.

Yeah. What is many swords? Yeah, it feels like double superior, like twice as good. Yeah. For as many sorts. Yeah, it's two sorts. This type of fighting is called Niten Ichi, or I think Niten Ichi, sure, which means two heavens as one. In this style, the combatant uses the katana and the wakazashi simultaneous. Okay, but as two, really, right? In during this little tour, he beats a guy with a metal staff and another guy with a small sickle and chain and then he comes across a guy with a giant honken sword called a no-dachi. Yeah, I just, I like that for Cecil, two swords just sounds obviously better, but for those

of us who are not terribly coordinated, that is just a second sharp thing to actively hit ourselves the nuts whip. Well, that's not bad. It's not bad at all. Also, if he's doing guys with different weapons, I feel like ancient Japanese heath could have ended this by just calling gun, but you know, I'm by. Right. I am by.

Must get blender bust. Those are both around. Doesn't say anything in the rules. Airbud. Now, at this point from what I can glean, Musashi has abandoned the traditional secondary sword in the die show. The die show is what they call a pair of swords in that samurai commonly carried. Wait, so they're all carrying around two swords?

Yeah, they were. They got those. They were like, I'm going to use bow for the first time. Was the other one for buttering his bread? What the fuck was the other sword? They would fool and choose. They would like, they would like, no shit, like lay it out like a fucking caddy and be like, I know, hand me the short one, I'm gonna use the short one now.

And they would seriously just use like one, but I guess he's the first guy, according to legend that sort of like pulled both swords out and used them. In any case, he started to carry around a katana and a noakasaji that were equal size, right? Because one's normally smaller, but he carried around two that were of equal size. So I mentioned that the giant sword called a nodachi. Well, the nodachi is basically a hand and a half or a two-handed katana. Sorry, hand and a half. So it so it's like a no dachy and then like the butter knife, I'm talking about between two fingers with a half hand butter knife. What does that mean? I assume that he just cut half of the dude's hand.

If a katana is like the size of a traditional arming sword, then the no dachy would be like a claymore. I think that comparison is fully ticked off all the sword geeks and thoroughly confused my co-host. My work is done here. I'm tapping my fingers. This is me dusting my hands up. Hey, Cecil, I spent a chunk of my last essay describing a satirical Elizabethan playwright you'd.

I am by no means in stint throwing a posi-ish. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So Musashi eventually crosses pass with Sasaki Kojiro. Now Kojiro was a famous swordsman in his own right. He had his own fighting school, and at one point he had fought three opponents at once. Okay. Do we know how many of those opponents were pre-pubesa? Because apparently.

Yeah, right. No, it matters. Also three. I know three doesn't sound. Win the world. Win the world. I know three doesn't sound all that impressive considering we heard his story a few minutes ago when Musashi fought 60 people,

but Kajuro did this with a metal fan. What? What? Whatever. Look, I've seen women take on three guys at once on the internet all the time. This is. Yes.

Yes. Oh, he said, no, I have to admit, my first thought was some old time he's samurai beating people up with my oscillating band or whatever. Now I get it. I get it. You're saying that. The door between these two is talked about by multiple sources, but there is no one account of how it came to be.

Some say it was an outright challenge by Musashi. Others say that Musashi asked the local Lord to set it up and others say that the Lord wanted it to happen. So he set it up with no prompting. In any case, almost 411 years ago on April 13th, 1612, the two scheduled the duel on an island. And at this point, Musashi's 30 and his opponent is 18ish. All right. Moving on up to high schoolers. So in the legend, he should do it half his age plus seven, right? Like that's the rule.

Right, that's yeah. Yeah. Leonardo DiCaprio's only killing 25 year olds out there. That's very nice. So the day the duel comes and Cogero is there at the appointed time eight in the morning. Now Musashi is nowhere to be seen. So they wait and Musashi does not show up. So Cogiro sends one of his retainers to where Musashi's staying and homeboy is fast asleep

still. So they wake up and Musashi like yons gets up and then decides to order a full breakfast and then slowly eat it. He like takes, according to accounts, he takes his time and like slowly eats his food. Now he heads out, he gets on a boat and he travels to the island. He starts to use his knife to carve a large wooden sword out of the ore. Now in one version

Musashi's boat lands on the shore he jumps out with the oversized wood or sword Charges and smacks the guy in the head with one blow kills him and then gets back in the boat and then goes to take That guy definitely should have called no orses though like if you don't call it Consider changing this guy's moniker from greatest swordsman to I don't know Surprise attacks. You're You're right. But surprise though because when did people learn about not signing up I hope it's soon. I said, is anyone else like suffering from this fear that the citation needed of 2434 is going to be all about how heath was the greatest party game player of all time? There's a lot of lore already on the books.

No. According to his autobiography. All right. So other versions of this tale are a lot more showy. He gets out of the boat and the guy he's fighting takes his scabbard from his note for his no dodgy and just throws it in the sea as a sign that forcing him to wait this long. This is now going to be a fight to the death. Now, in response to that, Musashi says that he's not surprised Kojiro threw his scabbard into the sea because he knew he'd never get to use it again. Boom!

Roasted! What's up. Got him. Boom. Anyway, sword fighters like that. Anyway, at this point, thank you, Steve. Thank you. And this point, this point, the fight starts in Kojira's fighting with his two hand in No Dachi and Musashi has his two katanas or his one katana and one long wakasashi.

And two katanas, right? I know. I know. And they circle each other. And then Kuzuro lunges with an overhand swing. Just as Musashi jumps at him, when the two swings are finished, Kuzuro's head is caught in half. And Musashi's headband falls off, caught into, but otherwise he's unhurt.

The last notable duel he took part in is about 10 years later. He comes to a city and he opens a dojo and he puts a sign outside. Mia Motomusashi, the number one adept of the sword in all Japan. Now, the Lord of this part of Japan sees this any furious that just some upstart has this kind of audacity. So he sends his most talented retainer to go fight Musashi and challenge him to a duel. The fighter, Gunbei, comes to the dojo or Jodo

and demands Musashi see him. And true to Musashi, he makes the kind of wait for an hour. So good. Okay, look, if my wife were a famous sword duelist, this would be how she remembered it. So I'm not saying I want to run in to the room you're in right now, Tom, and kill you with a single blow from a wooden sword. But if she was going to do that, this would be the funniest moment for it, right? We can all agree on that. Well, when Musashi finally comes to meet Goonbe, Goonbe is furious.

Yeah, of course, because he got made to wait forever. He's like, dude, you gotta stop doing fucking NBA power moves or whatever the fuck you think you do. Musashi's just like, oh, hello. Just spinning my oversized chair that I brought with me. Just kidding. I have this very small cigar. I have a large one.

But Musashi says that if he knew that he wanted a fight, he would have come sooner, but he was in the middle of a game ago with a guest, and then he offers Gunbei to come into the garden and fight. It can either be with real swords or with wooden ones. Gunbei walks over, cuts a piece of bamboo and uses that against Musashi. Fights over in an instant, and it ends with Goon Bay acknowledging that Musashi is indeed the number one adept of the sword in Japan. Okay, everybody else picturing Goon Bay just standing behind Musashi like an angry mom watching

you play an Nintendo. You can just pause it. I know you can pause it. Or it's hard. I guess it would Let's go. I know you can pause it. Or it's hard. I guess it would be because it's a go thing. One go player is like an amazing joke.

It's all so appreciated that he's. At this point, he decides to start traveling around kicking ass and taking kids. That's right. He starts adopting kids along the way. Some of them go on to be highly regarded and highly paid by lords. Others are not so lucky. One of his adopted kids he meets when he's traveling through a town, the kid's name is McKinosuke.

According to this legend, his parents were old and he was taken care of him. And Musashi says, would you like to be my son? I would find you a good lord. And then the kid declines because he's taken care of his family. So Musashi goes in to talk to them, gives him a lot of cash to pay to have someone else take care of them, and then he takes the kid as his new adopted son.

What? What the fuck, What is this? He's like a weird sword wielding Japanese Elon Musk just like. Yeah, man. By the shit that isn't even for sale. What? All right, tell me you're gonna not rename him with a bunch of like fucking symbols and random diacritical marks and you can have the kid.

And it's all I have to know fucking hype in or whatever that AE thing is. Now true to his word, Musashi did find a lord for him. Miki no suke becomes one of the warriors under this lord's employ and then that lord up and gets tuberculosis. Well, he lasts a short time and then he dies. But the tradition is that his vassals can decide to just kill themselves upon his death, which is what McKinosuke does. He writes his death poem, goes to his master's grave six days after his master's death and

performs sepaku, which is where you stab yourself in the stomach with a short knife, sometimes dragging around your body and then a guy standing behind you lops your head off. Still better than how Twitter is gonna add. And it could be worse, right? Heath and Ritesun. Uh, yeah, what's up? Look, there's no easy way to tell you this, but your Lord died last night. He choked on a grape. Ah, seriously? I just got him. Yesterday, really? I know, but now you must do the honorable thing and kill yourself, or you will be forever known as a Ronin.

Ah, do I have to do that? Is there not like a, I don't know, like a 30 day grace period, often churns or something? Again, just got here. No, I am afraid not. Okay, like I don't even think we met though. It just seems weird to like,

ah, like over a guy I haven't met, right? You still have myself? You will be great dishonor to your family name. Right? Right, yeah dishonor, fine. Okay, let's go. Have me killed myself. Okay, you still have to do orientation.

But we can do this afternoon. I still have to do orientation? It stayed stuff, not negotiable. I'm having the worst day Now a few years later Musashi kind of gives up on the sword fighting and takes up art and for what it's worth He's pretty good the images of ink paintings that he did are really amazing He takes up sculpting architecture and calligraphy He does fight a few duels at this point, but he's getting older and there less frequent. And he's not traveling the country looking for trouble. He sort of graduated into a position under a lord where he gets paid to paint and meditate.

Yeah, I feel like once you've earned a historical reputation for fatal surprise attacks out of nowhere, you just walk up to people and say, hey, you pay me to meditate now. And that's going to work more often. Yeah. Now in 1643, Musashi became a cave hermit. And he decided to write his masterpiece, the book of five rings, which is read by salesman and guys who play semi pro rugby. That's the most brutal joke you've ever written. So, and also guys who fight with sword simulators like me. In any case, you just moved himself into a literal cave and wrote a novel. And then he died like four months later because he's living in a cave, I guess. The book is basically his fighting style, which is, and then just with lots of deepities tossed in for good measure. Yeah. Okay. Deal, D.R. Chop the other guy's hands off. Yeah. That's the book. It's just a bunch of stuff where it's like, and then

he swings his sword like this and then he chop his hands off. Or if he swings like this, chop his hands off. Yeah. It's stupid shit like be everywhere and be nowhere. And then chop his hands off. Yeah. And then chop it yeah, and then chop a santa So here's here's a deal. I'm gonna leave you guys with a bunch of quotes from the books here goes Except everything just the way it is unless the guy's hands and then chop his hands off Do not seek pleasure for its own sake seek pleasure then for Not pleasure for its own sake. Seek pleasure then for not pleasure. For her sake from do not.

Do not under any circumstances depend on a partial feeling. What? Okay, well, maybe if you didn't put so much pressure on my pleasure, it wouldn't have been a partial feeling there. Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world. Oh, okay guy writing a book about how bad ass he is. Do not regret what you have done. Even if that means you sometimes bum rush someone with a boat or when they aren't ready. Okay, I'm having a real boondock saints moment with this book. I read it and like it turns out my life mo is way too close to this a social serial killer

apparently. I'm feeling great resentment and complaint are appropriate neither for oneself nor others. Yeah, fucking get good the book. Love it back on board. Never mind. Be indifferent to where you live. Okay, Heath, are you Marshmallow sushi? You have to tell us. It's like, do you just find? Do not pursue the taste of good food. Okay, stupid that book. That's a terrible amount of time. Not the Marshmallow, Sushi. Do not hold possessions you no longer need.

And it's not me either. We're whittling them down. Do not act following customary beliefs. Okay, might be Noah. Do not collect weapons or practice with weapons beyond what's useful. Not Cecil. Very true.

Okay. Do not fear useful. Not Cecil. Very true. Okay. You do not fear death. Not Tom. Respect Buddha and the gods without counting on their help. That's where I buy one, I guess, right there. Yeah, that's the longest. If you wish to control others, you must first control yourself and their wrists. So,

that their hands off. That's not the most crucial. It's not the most important. From one thing, no 10,000 things. Oh, that sounds dangerous like the YouTube research crowd, though, right? Right. Perceive that which cannot be seen with the eye.

Listen, you smell that? Do not sleep under a roof, carry no money or food, go alone to places, frightening to the common brand of man, become a criminal of purpose, be put in jail and extricate yourself with your own wisdom. Okay, those last ones were all bad. It's good that he just cleaned the pipe out though with one. To become the enemy, you must see yourself as the enemy of the enemy. Okay, maybe it's me again. I think it might be me. Might be me. All right. Well, see, so if you had to summarize what you've learned today in one sentence, what would it be? If you kill a bunch of people, everyone will read your self-publish

book and pretend it means something. Huh. Indeed they will. And are you ready for the quiz? I feel so much better if you didn't have a self-publish book right now. I like this. I said, a. So you are ready for the quiz. I'm ready for the quiz. Fantastic. All right, Cecil, which of the following is the best book by Miyamoto Musashi's rivals? A. They don't exist. He chopped their hands off.

That's a winner because it's tough one. That's a tough one. I'm going to go with a. I think it's a. It was a correct. That's how you win your that's a tough one. I'm gonna go with a I think it's a it was a correct All right Cecil people who are bad at being people love this kind of shit So what are the books of these bro do ebes fetish Hey the art of war yep be the prince

See the art of war. Yep. Be the prince. Mm-hmm. See, the art of the deal. Mm-hmm. D the game. Or E, anything else they can read half the spark notes of Walla Lone and unemployed. Oh, Jesus. Shots fired at Heath. I'm gonna go with B.

Ha-ha-ha. Wow. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Listen, I read Atlas Shrugged for the purpose. It was, I wasn't doing it. I read to hate it to hate it I hate read it. I want to do the game so bad. I would pay good money for heathen to the game Which ones that I actually have not read. Oh, it's the pickup artist one. Oh, Jesus. Oh God No, my fed is a Ponzi scheme friend was like, you gotta read this and I was like,

you gotta read it, you gotta read it. I was like, describe the fed and I'll read it. Nope. Tubes. All right, so I was right Noah. Okay, good. Okay, so you mentioned earlier that there are Western martial arts styles and so I looked up a few of these.

Which one of the Western martial arts styles is the least intimidating is it a trucker cap wearer That's amazing B. I hop keto see Thai cheese or tea. Crop mega. They're all amazing. It's e all above. Oh, it is e all above. Damn, I thought. Oh man. Oh, all right. Well, Cecil, that means you are this week's winner.

I choose Noah. Oh. All right. Well, four. Noah, Cecil, Heath, and Tom, I'm Eli Bosnick. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next weekend by then, Noah, will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can listen to our other podcasts and other podcasts the most. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a episode donation at patreon.com

slash citation bot never matters. Or leave us a five star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes. You can act with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citation pod.com. And maybe we could get like coffee or lunch some time.

I mean, whatever you want, up to you. Perhaps. Keith, here you are, and I see you've cornered the evil Mr. Subdartness. Are you engaged in battle? Yep, yep, that one evil, yep, Tram. You girl, battle evil. Why do you have a boner?

This, that's, it's a knife. Is it a knife? No. BEEP. I am the dark master, Cecil, something Italian. You called for me? Master, you are so powerful and amazing. Yes, I am.

But can you tell me? Did we always talk like this? What am I supposed to... How does that work? I just... You're talking walrus. It works. Oh, I don't know why you guys are talking walrus, Tom.

You gotta stop. What the fuck, I'm a talking, okay? You're a talking walrus. You're a talking walrus, Tom. This is sort of your, I am rude. How much fucking direction do you need, Tom? This is embarrassing for you. This is embarrassing for you.

Oh my God, you're so much. I am. I am through I am. I'm cringing over here. God, you believe me. You're the voice inside of fucking Wallace line. Daniel Daniel, who is the

leader? Fucking good lord. I can't believe I work with all of you. I quit. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom. I can't believe I work with all of you. I quit. Tom? Tom? That's perfect.

That's perfect. First instinct, best instinct, yeah. No, that was actually the first. That was exactly perfect. That was absolutely perfect. Does it was exactly it? Eh? What is that?

This is Tom Tom. I'm talking to Wallace. We are best friends. Tom Tom, I talk in walrus. We are best friends. Tom Tom! That's exactly what. Oh it is? You said it Tom Tom. But you are right Heath. We did not always talk like this.

You fools. Eli, the dark mistress. That's right it's me. Eli, the dark miss... That's right it's me. Eli, the dark mist... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm Tom! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH