Citation Needed - Music Considered the Worst Ever

Episode Date: July 14, 2021

This list consists of albums or songs that have been considered the worst music ever made by various combinations of music critics, television broadcasters (such as MTV and VH1), radio stations, composers, and public polls. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.  

Okay, Adam West Batman. Oh, definitely not. Okay, yeah, probably. Michael Keaton Batman. I, maybe, but he's not good at. No, he's, uh, oh, George Clooney Batman. Yes, yes, and he eats ass without you asking. Yep, absolutely. 100% agree.

Unbelievable. How is this happening? Who do we call? I don't even know who we call. I don't know what we do. I don't know what we do. Hey, guys, what the hell is this happening? Who do we call? I don't even know who we call. I don't know what we do. I don't know what we do. Well, guys, what the hell is going on? No, I think, God, man. So, you know, this week's episode is about bad music. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. So, Cislon, I were like, you know, it wouldn't be funny if we wrote a bad song,

like, as the theme tune for this show. Oh, that's, that's funny. Sure, I get it. Yeah, okay, but then we paid this Cam girl in Vegas and we put it on YouTube. You know, so we wouldn't lose it. AD 4 million hits. Oh, wow. The phone has been ringing off the hook. Rackard deals, contracts.

I can't even get a hold of the girl. We sang it. We paid her in many vids, tokens also. So that's, I see. I'm not. Yeah, that's, that's a tough one. Yeah. This is terrible. Do we take the video down? Do we put out a public apology? I don't, I'm not sure where's the next one. I mean, guys, we could just keep the money. I mean, Eli, this is music. We're talking about how much money could there possibly be in music?

According to this latest facts, $84 million. Yeah, that track. Fantastic. I'm in. I'll go buy more many Bids tokens. Hello and welcome to Cytation Needed! The podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet That's how it works now. I'm Eli and I'll be starting up the band, but first I'll need to send in the clowns first up Do guys will fight you for owning monster cables know what and see what I'm fighting you

I could obviously just tell you that kicking your own ass offers increased fidelity I only own monster cables because of the high pressure salesman. Tom was the high pressure salesman. Seriously? Yes. Yes. And also joining us tonight. Two guys who would definitely buy a monster cable if the sales girl was hot enough,

Heath and Tom. Okay, Tom is a good looking guy. He is, right? He is. He's a good looking guy. He is, right? He is. He's a good looking guy. Hey, I never had to twist any arms. I mean, I threatened to, but I never went past,

I guess first people's burns. Phil problem that. No, no, no. There's gonna be an offensive term for that. No, no, no. No, no. Do you know what I can't believe that. I didn't look it up to fight out

if there's a new term for that like Chris Cross apple sauce. And they're just amazing. No, they're just quick. Yeah. Well, why don't we just call it the arm thing? That's going to get confusing. Someone's going to Dutch rudder by accident. Yeah, I'm going to say, me and Eli already have an arm thing.

So, Maggie, before we begin tonight, I want to take a moment to thank our patrons. Patrons, as you're listening to this, I'm in take a moment to thank our patrons. Patrons, as you're listening to this, I'm in my wife's hometown of Port Towns in Washington, the very epicenter of the so-called heat dome. Thanks to your money and my anxiety, my one-year-old baby isn't dead right now. But instead, bass is in the cool, crisp, 70-degree air recommended by the American Academy of Pediatricians FEMA and the CDC. Thank you for not letting me be poor enough that my in-laws on air conditioned home killed my baby.

Can you just get to it? Oh my God. As I've learned this week, dear patrons, there are always more ways that my in-laws could try to kill my baby. And only our supporters on Patreon can stop what is happening. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And if you wouldn't like to join their ranks, why not? My baby's adorable.

You have a dollar. I want to, give me a dollar in an episode. I don't need a fucking kidney. I need a dot, give me your dot, it's for my baby. You like, you like, you like, you want to just move it on? Sorry, please. Sorry. What is a mad person?

Fuck. Weird. That I don't know why. No, I ask him questions. Noah, tell us what person plays thing concept, phenomenon or event. Wouldn't want to give me a dollar for my baby. We have a cause. We've got the intro running jokes. Woodscoin. We did that. One Woodscoin. It's a free podcast. I just like a dot Eli. Okay. So what are we we gonna talk about today? Well, thank you probably whether or not to let you do the intro anymore All right, what are we gonna talk about before that the very worst that music has to offer And Cecil you peruse these chart bottoming to are you ready to sing us the song? You're the piano man?

Well, it's way more sad than sweet, and you'll want to retreat. So yeah, absolutely. Does it make sense? So tell us, Cecil, what is the worst music? And why is it all the reggae written by white people? Right. So this, Cecil, is gonna be tough,

because some of the things I'm gonna be describing to you need to be heard. And since this is one of those mediums where you can get sued for using other people's work, we're gonna instead include a long list of links to everything we talk about in the show notes. I want to link some of this because it's just so fucking bad, it's so awful. And some people might not get a full taste of how bad it actually is without listening to it. Whatever you're imagining, it's so much worse.

I've listened to these. They're fucking brutal. And I'm doing the show with three guys that review bad Christian movies. So you don't have to watch them. And I mean, if I was going to go out and find people that can describe badness, they would be at the top of my list, even if I wasn't doing a podcast with them already. Oh, thank you, Cecil. Nice to be the last guy to break under torture.

Right. Yeah. I just quick note, when I think of terrible art, I think of you guys, not the problem that you think it is, Cecil. I guess it's true too. Fundamentally accurate nonetheless. Yeah. So this list of music considered the worst only goes back to 1950.

I'm sure there's some very awful music before that, but and it's probably even recorded music, but the wiki page starts in the 50s, so we'll only go back that far. Let's start with the worst albums ever recorded. The first is a philosophy. Okay, boomer. Yeah, that's about the LPs that you like. first is philosophy. Okay, boomer. Yeah. Well, please, do you like weird? Get a blow to dust off the record. Here we go. So the first one's philosophy of the world by the shags. And this band is a sister quartet who

at the urging of their father started a band. These sisters had a very rude of answer, understanding how the streets work. And their father broke into his savings to get the record recorded. Some people have said that this work is so bad, it's good, but Chris Conley of Rolling Stone said, quote, without exaggeration, philosophy of the world may stand as the worst album ever recording. And quote, and the other side of the spectrum, though, was his colleague, Deborah Ray Cohen, at Rolling Stone, who said, quote, the sickest, most stunningly awful, wonderful record, I've heard in ages, unquote, the album is said to have influenced rock rates like Kirk Cobain and Frank's album. Those are the two out of gas. Right. And the new staff at Rolling Stone said that album was okay. And Saudi oil is the

fucking best. Honestly, gonna get a little more. Honestly, you don't even need to listen to the album. You just need to look at the picture that comes with the YouTube video and you know everything about how this band is gonna say. The picture is somehow bad at music. It's in person. It's in person.

You know something is just gonna be great when it comes directly from the, my dad thinks I'm awesome school of music Yeah, I mean when is a dad being involved with his daughter's music career ever ended? The concept of supergroup was alive in the 60s and 70s Crosby stills Nash and Young cream I'm a son like and Palmer hell journey and lead Zeppelin were both super groups What one that might not have hit your radar is Lord Such and Heavy Friends.

The members of Led Zeppelin in it, it had like them in it. So I guess it was a super, super group. It had Jeff Beck on guitar, Nikki Hopkins on keyboard, Noel Riding from the Jimmy Hendrix experience on bass. This album was so fucking bad that people in the band that sat down to make the record disown the album after its release. Rolling Stone called such quote, absolutely terrible, unquote, and lamented that the collection of talented musicians on hand were made to sound like quote, a folled parody of themselves.

And quote, so more of a subgroup, real. Yeah, not a super group, a subgroup definitely. Can I offer a hot take? This album, it sounds like every rock band, every guy who looks like Cecil has ever assured me fucking rocks. This could be ACDC. I would have no idea about my mom. The next one from the 70s is the self titled album by Attila. Attila featured on Oregon and vocals none other than the guy who sings that piano man song Billy Joel.

Okay. This album is just whatever's about to happen. This album is described by Joel later in his life as Psychedelic bullshit. Stephen Thomas Earl wine from all music said this, quote, Attila undoubtedly is the worst album released in the history of rock and roll. They history of recorded music itself. There have been many bad ideas in rock, but none match the colossal stupidity of Attila and quote. And if you do anything, seek out the cover for the salvage features. Billy Joel, like a foot shorter than the guy standing next to dressed in a full rent fair gear standing on the beach surrounded by sides of beef.

It's amazing. It's because Billy Joel is hard and gritty like Rocky Balboa, just like shredding in the meat locker. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's,

that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's having fun with Elvis on stage. And it's a collection of outtakes from concerts. Well, Elvis is bullshit and with the audience between songs. And don't get me wrong. It's a fucking obvious cash grab. And it's also one of the most uninteresting things I've ever heard. It's 37 minutes long and about 25 minutes of it

is just Elvis breathing heavily into a microphone. But it doesn't get too much music at all. It's like picking on it for something that it isn't, even as a joke album or a compilation of outtakes, it's pretty much a failure because in this is from the Wikipedia, quote, it's compiled in an incomprehensible manner due to the omission of the songs many of the jokes refer to and quote, this next one is so bad. It's literally an hour and one minute of guitar feedback. And it's called Metal Machine Music by Lou Reed. And it's not like

Lou Reed music isn't fucking total shit anyway. You've probably heard him talk singing, walk on the wild side or dirty boulevard. But as far as metal machine music is concerned, there isn't much to say. It's just like releasing an album of your dishwasher on the pots and pans cycle. It's like, utterly boring after seven seconds. It's ranked number two worst rock records of all time. And I guess on that list, there's someone shitting into a microphone. Yeah, you're supposed to shit across the mic. Right?

That's just like basic stuff recording. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. You're supposed to shit across the mic. Right? That's just like basic stuff recording on the screen. Yeah, I'm still going to go across. No. Be stupid. So I think it's worth pointing out that that album came out in 1975. And if you've ever seen a picture of anything in 1975, you kind of get it. So for the movie, Sgt.

Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band that starred Peter Frampton, BG's, and Steve Martin. Yes, that's Steve Martin. They made a $12 million album, which is a lot of money back then. And it was a cover album, not featuring the Beatles, but instead various artists covering the songs from the original Sargent Peppers. The worst song in the album is almost certainly Alice Cooper and the BG's singing, but cause. What? It is fucking unlisted, but cause it is fucking unlisted.

Bull trash. It is so bad. Really? Because when you combine Alice Cooper and the Bee Gees, I feel like that's going to be cool. You're just waiting for him to beat up the Bee Gees the whole time. The Village Voice said that this album was a D plus and should have music to avoid label on it. And the Rolling Stone called it an utter travesty. Even though this record had a cult following, Steven Thomas Earl Wine of all music said, quote, there's no racing the fact that this is an absolutely atrocious record. Okay, but did anyone think that Alice fucking Cooper was going to lend

anything particularly good in germane to a Beatles record? We're the fuck is listening to teenage Frankenstein is like, yes, there. That's pretty much McCartney. The next one is again, Elvis. This one's a posh-dumous bootleg album recorded on wax cylinder evidently because the quality is the worst. Anyway, it's some guy with a wax cylinder sneaks into their bucket. It's under his coat and he's spinning it the whole time. Okay, you better be jerking off. Yeah. Anyway, this is called Elvis's greatest shit. And it probably would have been better recording if it's just the king on his throne.

This one feels like it's just trying to be the worst as it's like edited to highlight the worst parts of his career. And again, there's just a lot of audience banter. It's barely audible at times and really hard to listen to, but some people consider this album a success. Quote, critics largely agree that the compiler of this record succeeded in picking Pressley's worst work. End quote. All right.

Well, it's so famous that someone puts together an album just to roast you is now at the center of my vision board. So there you go. Right. Right. Eli's greatest shit album is actually bloody brilliant. Okay. So another cover album, get some notoriety on this list. This one is a cover album of songs covered by Durand Iran called Thank You.

The deputy editor of Q Magazine had this to say, and it's so good. I just wanted to quote it here. Quote, we put it on in the office to remind ourselves how bad it was. Sometimes these things are redeemed by some sort of kits, your novelty value, but it didn't even have that. It's not funny, even for a split second, and not even the sort of thing you would put on for a laugh if you were out drunk and quote, this is our punishment record. So we remember what we did, damn it. Some of you may remember Kevin Federaline. He was married to Britney Spears for a hot minute in the early Aughts. He came across as the most uninteresting man in the world when he was interviewed back then.

And his album, Kevin Fetterline, playing with fire, is no different. Here's a short part for us of the title track. I do. I did. Here we go. Dippin' through your block, throwing out pancakes, money in my pocket, right after the handshake. What? This quick man, mix in my batter, put it in your stereo, watch the whoopers clatter.

Okay. Sorry. What? Yeah. Okay. What the fuck is a whooper? Is that a thing? There's your first chair. Okay.

And he's like dropping stuff like an info-mercial like, blah, blah. Right. Whopper is doing that. I was enjoying it, but now I'm lost in the lyrics. I got to understand. He continues. He continues here. Cab is here.

I'm bringing the bacon and my foot will get loose in that ass of you. Hating. Wait, he's going to disconnect his foot of his own ass. He is. That's what he's going to say. Yeah, let me try my tongue again. I feel like I didn't do the subject object. And also now that I think about it hating and bacon don't really don't. They continue to continue his one more line here.

Run over you like the kicks on my feet. Yeah. And that's I guess a chorus is saying, yeah, I'm not sure. And I like you. It's like you. It's like you. You're cool. Likes to do the splits to my beat. That hurts, don't it? That's the end of the quote there. And on Metacritic, it is a 15, which is the lowest one on Metacritic. And also sold only 6,000 copies in the first week. It was really.

It's like citation needed, famous. Okay, but he does get to use his own debit card. So it seems like he came out of hand. Imagine who excited he was about that pancake handshake, right? That's tight. So he didn't, didn't care of it. Made any sense in the fucking lyrics. He was leading off with that shit.

Next album took 14 years to make Chinese democracy by Guns and Roses. And I mean, look, I hate Guns and Roses anyway, but this one is named by Wired, one of quote, the five audio atrocities to throw down a Sonic black hole. I'll include links to the song called There Was a Time from that album, but I'll just have to rely on the expertise of guns and roses efficient out of this to tell me why this song is remarkably different than the rest of their. Okay. Screechy garbage cat. I'm so far.

No, maybe a couple skate at a roller rink in the 90s to November rain and you don't have to fancise all what the fuck. Music to be fair, he deals that at Cecil every time they disagree. This is just the first time it's the episode. Very obnoxious. Okay, thank you. Just saying, yeah, it's garbage.

Anyway, so I next is an Irish singer. It's my essay and I'm the editor, so it's garbage. Okay, so next, switch as a mind, it's like the most famous singer. No one heard that. He said, it's amazing. Next is an Irish singer from the UK who appeared on the X factor. The contestant was a kid that looked like an Irish, Justin Bieber, his name's super Irish

because it spelled like a character from a 14th century poem. It's Owen Quig and it's EO G H A N E O G H A N is Owen evidently. I know what's not. I literally have to look at you. I guess it's not. I looked at I was like, how the fuck do you say that? Is that EO fan? What the fuck kind of name is that? Showed up anyway. I didn't grandal. I'll tell you in a second. As typical with people that appear on these shows, these songs are pretty swing, choir ask, but the people, people really hate this album. Peter Aderson from the Guardian said, quote, an album so bad that it would count as a

new low for popular culture. Were it possible to class it as either culture or popular? Well, really did the reality show game show contestant not live up to your expectations theater. You were really hoping the kid who was one lot over from the survivor auditions would really match your expectations of the overall Peter. Okay, to be fair, it's bad Eli for pop culture.

And pop culture included a TV show called Whole in the Wall, which involved people trying to fit themselves into differently shaped holes in a wall for 30 minutes. That was a good show. Yeah, because they're always too fat and then they get pushed into water. Did we get stuff, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good job. Fucking musical garbage man, Lou Reed makes another appearance on this list for his hatred

for Lou Reed is so deep and so true and so fucking cool. Produced fucking garbage album with Mattal called Lulu. Fucking completely unlisted. Well, it's the worst of both bands and that's saying a fucking lot for Lou Reed, okay? And Mattelka, the album features Lou Reed, talk singing is boring acoustic guitar, punctuated by Mattelka's signature thrash sound sandwiched in between. It's been given the worst of all time status by lots of critics.

Lou Reed, after getting blasted by Mattelka fans, said this in response, quote, I don't know any fans left. After metal machine music, they all fled. Who cares? I'm in this for the fun of it. And quote, also for the money, Lou, let's have a fun. Judging by the sales of that album, I think it's mostly for the fun of it. I guess that's true. The final album on this list is Streets in the Sky by Saturday. This one is a British punk pop band that just sounds like a punk music you might hear shopping at old Navy.

I mean, other than being very boring, it feels like a stretch for this list, but the critics really hate it. It was a second lowest rated album on the site, any decent music. And others have given it a zero out of 10 and called it unmusic. That's so rough. Guy by the name of Neil with a last name I don't want to pronounce in the quietest, agreed to, agreed that the album is not actually music and is akin to shite in the Sunday sun attracting flies. Alright, well, while we sue Neil for stealing his stuff from our iTunes reviews, we're going to take a quick break for a little ditty we like to thank all the leaders of the music industry for joining me today.

I'll try not to take up too much of your time. So I think I've come up with a way for us all to make a lot more money. Oh yeah, how's that? So right now, we wait for a good musician to come along in our genre and then we sign them and then we make them a CD Or whatever and then they sell however many copies of that Right, right. That's what we do it. But like not everyone likes that CD because everyone's taste is different That's how music and I would say art in general works, but guys, what if we Made the music. Well, what if we made the music?

Well, why would we make the music? We don't have any time to know. Yeah, no, I know that, but that's the thing. We hire at least somewhat talented people to write the music for, I'm gonna say physically attractive young people, and then they make music. It's just sort of as generally likable as possible

and that way we'll sell more records and we have control over the music because we made it. Well, I mean, I get it, but it feels like, it kind of kills the spirit of what we do. It just feels like this could go super wrong. I mean, seriously, what's the worst that could happen? Tonight on America's next top singer of songs,

Bryson Bryce faces Kelly Kelly's in. With his country pop hip-hop hit, America tastes like Pepsi. Oh, shit, I killed art. And we're back when we left off. She's really had it in for the blue. There's a history. There is.

You don't want to get into it. You don't have to see so please get into it. No, fuck him. So now I move to songs, which I think is much easier. These songs start in the 50s and pretty evident by the first unbelievably racist song, Holy shit. It's called Yes, sir. That's my baby by Harry Carey.

It's a mock Japanese novelty record. The picture for the song and Wikipedia is basically Mickey Rooney and Yellowface from Breakfast the Tiffany's, the guy has a huge glasses, he's holding a camera and smiling somehow racistfully. I didn't know. But it's one of the cartoon of Andrew Yang today. It's it's January. It's ridiculous genuine, ridiculous.

The song is basically a mockery of Japanese music, I guess. And it's sung by a guy who can't pronounce ours. So, ha ha, super fun. It's a genius. Yeah, if you ever start thinking them damn SJWs have gone too far, keep in mind that racism used to be a musical genre, people. Okay. Use the means Noah, because need I remind you that the most popular music genre in America

is country, a genre which appropriated African American music and statistically contains none of them. That's the most popular genre in the country. It is. I look at it. God. The next one is fucking amazing. It's called Legendary Style Start starred as Cowboy by Paralyzed

and it's described in Wikipedia as quote, T-bone Burnett on drums and consists of one-courge drums, random and mostly unintelligible screaming and in a rubb, you will slow it up. I thought it was so weird. Oh, this is so cool. It's very subtle. I wrote this and I had tears running down my face. I was laughing so hard. It's the fucking

worst thing I've ever heard. It's like a country local screaming over some sort of improvised garbage music. It is so unique and hard to describe, but like a lot of bad shit, it's developed a cult following. So, you know, there's that. If you listen to one thing we talk about today, make it this. This one, this one. It's this one. It's like a guy passed out drunk at a Trump rally and woke up all of a sudden. And he saw a black guy and he ran away screaming

about in teeth-to-chainskin. And he had a bugle with that. So I'm like, he was like, you're just a video. That's a video. Holy shit. Here's the thing, That's the video. Holy shit. Here's the thing. It's not the yelling that gets me. It's the entire normal one and a half seconds of jazz lead-up for the yelling that gets

up. But um, drum. Wait, sorry guys, could you give me a B flat, actually? I'm not defending the song or anything, but I would if I had to. But like, let's be fair. I cannot conceive of a bugle solo that would not be abrupt, okay? Oh, it's her. I guess that's true. The instrument that was used to jarrow away. I guess that's true. I guess that's true. Man, so you don't just do partials. That's weird.

It's redundant. That's weird. I guess that's true. Man, so you don't just do partials. That's weird. It's redundant. That's weird. Get one with all the notes. Oh, God. It's so amazing though. Genuinely, look this up. It is so worth just the, yeah. Jan, I would just skip to like the middle of the song,

like the first minute and listen to like minute 30 or something. Save her every second of a people. The next song is hailed as one of the worst songs ever written. And the song, it's top the charts in Europe and Australia, but it has been voted the worst overall song and worst lyrics. It's Richard Harris and it's titled MacArthur Park. And here's a sample of lyrics.

MacArthur Park is melting in the dark. All sweet, green icing flowing down. Someone left the cake out in the rain and why? I don't think I can take it because it took so long to bake it and I'll never have that all sweet green icing flowing down. Someone left the cake out in the rain. And why? I don't think I can take it because it took so long to bake it and I'll never have that recipe again. Oh no, that's the...

That's the word. Okay, so much. But you know what, with all the music out there about like love and family, it's nice that someone writes a song he can relate to every now and then. You know what, cake is, I see what you cake is I see what you did.

I see you did. But thank you. I stand by cake is delicious. Thank you. Somebody knows how about it. I have to say this one is super gross. It's like a child free guy. It's called you're having my baby by Paul Anca, no, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh And the lyrics are seriously fucking gross. Here they are. You're a woman in love and I love what's going through you. The need inside you, I see it showing. Oh, the seed inside you baby. Do you feel it growing? Are you happy knowing that you're having my baby?

And quote, nasty yikes. I like that the lyrics are kind of test in the water there, right? It's like, are you mad? You see mad. That's because of my calm. Seems like it's because of my calm. I love what's going through you is the weirdest guy.

Like that implies she swallowed a baby that she'll later shit out. Right? My body has a way of shutting that down. Calm down. I see, so I can assure you that you do not have to be child-free to be appalled by the gooey horror of the mirror. Oh, yeah. Absolutely not. No, I'm sure plenty of parents find a repugnant to.

Every time he finds it repugnant, everyone who says they don't is lying. Do you feel it growing a fucking course? She does. She's pregnant. You asshole. She's. What does she have a TLC special? I didn't know I was pregnant.

Feels like they took that girl into woman film strip. We had to watch in middle school sex that input and put like that to music. By the way, the song also has subtle references to abortion. Here's a quote, you could have swept it from your life, but you wouldn't do that end quote. And also somehow takes the ownership of the baby with the lady having it, I don't know, but hey, fucking 1974, so being gross was in.

In 1980, some people that had some recording equipment clearly had too much coke and they thought they would have a guy that sounded like a British news announcer Talk some disco lyrics over some tired disco background and the result was Reginald Boson Cats, I don't know is that how you say it boson cat? Falson cake

Bazaan What do you like I believe he like now? It's a song's called dance with me and the singer was a retired news announcer and he kind of white guy rap talks sort of, I don't know, it's really weird and bizarre and not worth listening to, but it was voted the worst of the bottom 30 worst songs of 1980. It sounds like the where sunscreen guys outpakes, like all the stuff they didn't keep. Funny story Eli the column that Bazzleurman song was based on was written by a local newspaper columnist and she actually gave the commencement address at my college and on that day I got a terrible terrible.

So. Coming together. The next one's really popular at weddings here in the Midwest. It's a polka song called The Birdie Song by the tweets. Fuck yeah. This is what we call the chicken dance in the Midwest. And I have no idea if this is regional or just a white person thing all over the country. But it's the same sort of short tune played over and over to a faster tempo punctuated by a sort of slow, chorusy part. Very typical polka accordion thing going on. And it's like the

mockery. I really, Tom started singing that and I literally started dancing. Yeah. It's a da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da a popper or a wedding because you do not want to see an uncoriographed white people dancing. No. That's not something. No. Well, I don't know if choreography fixes that problem. It makes a dance to choreograph me. You don't want to see that either. It possibly works. Stephen Wunder and Paul McCartney make the list with Ebony and I believe it's both for its performance and its sugarcoding of race relations in the world. I think this is one of the ones and some others that are going to come later on this list that have to blame their own popularity and thus sort of the oversaturation in radio days.

It's also super repetition song with only two verses. So it is the least anyone ever did with that much talent. Like tune wise, this song, it sounds like what would happen if we made Cecil sing the rest of his ass. The next video is a must see. Black Lays sings a song called Aga Dudes. This is fucking nuts. I love this one.

I love this one. What the fuck? It looks like they got a good deal on the fruit of the loom costumes and they borrowed some sticky bar for a few hours. I think it feels like something you'd see in a kid's show. It's nothing super offensive, but it pretty much baby shark with pineapples and bitches. Okay. All right. See, so I think you just don't like fun or drugs because I watched this on repeat

for four hours in a highly suggestible state. And this changed my life. I bet it did. I bet it did. Here's a popular oneible state. And this changed my life. I bet it did. I bet it did. Here's a popular one for you. So, studio by Phil Collins. What? Michael Sons of the Sun Sentinel said it was the worst song of the rock era, describing it as incipit and indefensively stupid. Okay, just Michael Sons is a Florida man to be clear. Suns and a lot of leave. True.

Moostle of the village voice said quote, could have been the theme song for the third rice. Well, it was it was that in city of city of all and quote. And I mean, again, the song is played into the dirt on VH wanted MTV in the day. And it's incredibly stupid. But I can't see getting on the list. I don't understand that. Yeah, that's ridiculous. If you can't enjoy making sweet, sweet love to no jacket required, you can easily enjoy

at least masturbating to no jacket. That's what you're saying. That's amazing. That's cool. A jacket is required if you're masturbating. Yeah. No, don't give me wrong. You love a masturbation jacket. No, you if you're masturbated. Yeah. No, don't give me wrong. You have a masturbation jacket?

No, you jacket when you masturbate. It's a play on words I wouldn't expect you to understand. I was told to take it to set. You didn't understand what I did. It's fine. No one tends to lie to some puts on his masturbation jacket. It's OK. OK, don't give me wrong.

The last two songs, they're like, they're not good. But earlier in the essay, we had Cowboy who sat on a B and a musical hate crime. Yes, right. Like, we're gonna call this song indefensibly stupid, I'm gonna need somebody to point to the 80s song that wasn't. Yeah, right?

I just wanna say, I love this song and I will fight anyone who doesn't like, okay. I'm gonna stop. I love listening to it, right after I read this shit, just going like, wow, was it bad? I thought I thought that was a good thing. It's great. I listen to all the way through. All the way through.

Starship, we built the city was disowned by singer Grace Slick. Top the charts around the world, but Rolling Stone is called one of the worst songs of the 80s. And GQ said it was quote, the most detested song in human history. And quote, they even have an article called the most detested song in human history. End quote. They even have an article called we built this shitty and oral history of the worst song of all time. But I do got a wonder of Grace, you know, disowned it.

Does she still cash the check from the companies that lease it for commercial grace? No, I got a wonder. Yeah, again, no, you can take my key tar when you pry it from my cold bed. Thank you. Tom, brave. Bobby McFair had a left. Don't worry, be happy. Was one of the 50 worst songs ever.

It's a song done entirely with Bobby's voice. He vocalized easy and crazy. Whatever, Bobby Fairon is so good at imcaling. He was amazing. Thank you. It was a treasure. And the video features Robin Williams and Dylan. Blender said quote, it's difficult to think of a song more likely to plunge you into a suicidal

despondency than this song. I love this video. These people have no joy in their fucking hearts. They've no joy. Okay, I hate this list that is making me sad and the only solution is to not fucking worry about it. Get some ocean spray something. I don't know. Yeah. We go get some ocean spray, something. I don't know.

Yeah. Relax. And next song, I get excited when I hear it, because I think it's under pressure by Dean and David Bowie when it starts. And I get super mad when I find out it's fucking vanilla ice, ice, ice, baby. It's a terabad lyrical disaster. The song is basically genocidal colonialism to music. For a Houston press critic called it the worst thing ever to emanate from Texas. And that's saying something.

They also said, quote, it's set back the cause of white people in hip hop for a decade. Okay. Okay. Nice little compliment there at the end. Yeah. Yeah. We turned it around further. Yeah.

Turned it around. So I agree that that song is shit, but look, gold plated blow jobs would be universally reviled. If you had counted them as often as you heard that fucking song in night. Yeah. Right. That's a lot. See, so I'm going to need this list to stop. We should collaborate and listen.

Tom is back with a brand new edition. We also have Billy Ray Cyrus, Aiki Breakey Heart, which again, mainstay at weddings because it comes with a line dance. And I mean, this is not the worst thing to come out of Billy Ray Cyrus by a long shot, but people hated it and it was voted the worst song of the decade by the Chicago Tribune.

Okay, so here's what I'm learning today. If we could set the case for socialized medicine to some sort of line dance, we'd have it by the end of the day. Yeah. Play it a more like a great dance is there gonna be like it's actually better than having health insurance. Yeah. Work the vaccine in there somewhere.

Yeah, somewhere. A song that was played over so much we we all kind of hated his foregone on blondes. But I'll glue you. I love fucking facts. I hate we're in a fight. If you are unfamiliar, this is a yowling ballad sung by a woman who for most of the song makes cooling noises that aren't really words. She also switches from sounding like a soprano to sounding like Lou Ferigno getting ready to smash his way through a wall range

In any case in any case terrible song, but here's the thing American guitarist Dean Ween from the band Ween said quote It's as bad as music gets everything about this song is so awful that if I sat down and tried to write the worst song ever I couldn't even make a 10% of the of the reality of how awful that song is end quote. Oh, the guy from mean has it. Yeah, I think he's, I was talking with you. And he's from fucking weenie. Little Perry is a treasure. We're in a huge fight.

He's so proud. You never know what it's like to be that free, Mr. Ween. Never. Never. Look, okay. All right, look, that song Wayne. Never. Never. Okay. All right. Look, that song literally has a billion views on YouTube, right? Like it's not like this song came out with YouTube existed.

It's the very least mathematically speaking. This song is at least one night this good as baby, Sean. Yes. Progaine. Cecil, Cecil, I want to scream from the top of my lungs. What's going on with this? That's also another lyric. This next one is a kid song as far as I can tell.

Mr. Blobby, it's a really horrible as other kid songs are, but the video is super weird, trippiness, some super odd sexual overtones. But also, you know, kinda has a distorted voice that keeps saying Mr. Blabby and part of its harmonized farts, so there's that. I mean, it's a plus. Why do kids have their own music? Like, I get that you might not want to play WAP for your two-year-old, but like, kids can just listen to regular music, right?

My child has never been like, I'm sorry, I had the rhythms on this one, or just a little complex for me. Can you please, a little more like an afterlife punishment that just repeats over and over and over again? Okay, we finally hit one that I particularly hate. I mean, besides, Sasudeo and... Stop it.

Don't do that. Genuinely foreign, I'm blind. I hate that one too, but this one I really hate this one I really hate this one is aqua Barbie girl not only the song seriously terrible But this is video that guys haircut in the video is a fucking hate crime. It's like a hair replica of the L.A. Chargers NFL. It's crazy This is a popular song in the 90s by many polls. It's ranked close to the bottom of the list.

Okay, but here's what's terrifying. That song is my nostalgia, right? That's my eighth grade dance song. Noah and Cecil, you guys get cool shit like Jimmy Hendrix and Watson come to me. I get all right. You're a million. Oh, oh, my. Watson comes here and I get all right. You're a million. Oh, oh, my. Watson come here.

I want you as the first thing ever recorded on audio. I was just very proud. It actually wasn't recorded. It was transmitted on a telephone, but I'm still proud. You think it makes sense? It's great. Mary had a little lamb was the first thing recorded. I actually see so love this song so much.

I bought this album unironically. I still own it. I think it's a biting commentary on the superficiality of culture and gender norms. And also that baseline is fire. Okay, yes. Yeah. Lyrics go to a song from Desiree called Life. Oh, good.

It's a genuinely bad smooth jazz song from the 90s. In Europe, this song is a huge hit. Here's a sample of what people in Europe like. Here we go. Pro from the golden age of jazz. This is the 90s. This is the 90s jazz. It's not sick. Like we are 90s jazz lyrics from Europe. Here we go. Quote, I'm afraid of the dark, especially when I'm in a park and there's no one else around. Oh, I get the shivers. I don't want to see a ghost that's a side, I fear most, I'd rather have a piece of toast and watch the evening news and quote, that's a, she's, and I just want to get a little nostalgic

for a time when being molested by a race was scarier than the evening news. Yeah. Maybe it was prophetic. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Okay. It had a lot of Sam I am to it. Like I could not would not want to wait.

Like it was a little bit sus, but real bad. Maybe equal on the races. I don't know, but credit where credit is due. If I had 10,000 guesses, I would not have gotten that last line. No, no, no. Keep it on our toes. And watch the evening news with a piece of toast. What is happening in your life at that point?

Okay, I am actually surprised as the only song by the objectively worst band in the world, Limp Biscuit. Right? Yes. We're not gonna to fight this song. This song is one of the more popular tunes. You see my heart. It's called Nookie.

And here's the chorus. I think it's good for itself. I did it all for the Nookie. Come on, Nookie. Come on. You could take that cookie and stick it up your, yeah, stick it up your, yeah, stick it up your, yeah, stick it up your, yeah, stick it up your, yeah, stick it up your, yeah, that's

it. Uh, Buzzfeed's Ryan is a red cash, but that was like the radio version. And might have been, but that's, that's the lyrics I found where, yeah, stick it up your, yeah, is what they say. They go over it. So I don't know. Maybe they're saying an ass in an easy to say, I guess, yeah, right. Ryan Braddrick from Buzzfeed really nails it by saying, it should be against the law

to be fred turrets. Okay, that's like amazing. This is why we actually needed more of vanilla ice, right? I'm not right. Right. I'm not going to let this get hip hop, but still we needed white people set back another decade or two or three from rap rock or whatever. I call it a biscuit.

So if you have dumps like a truck, truck, truck, or thighs like what? Well, it's you might enjoy the long song by Siscat. Okay. So I might enjoy that, but I don't. I did watch the video here and I thought I spotted twerking from a video from 2000. I don't know the history of twerking, but I always thought it was like newer than that. But anyway, there's some MTV archaeology for you. In the same vein, Baja Men, who let the dogs out was also on the list. Again, Owing to its tremendous popularity and overplay,

I think both these songs do that. Things don't get bad just because you hear it often. What is wrong with you people? Yeah. My name is Max Ornaybor as an amateur musician, and I kind of feel like I should force anybody who voted for any of the last six or seven songs to stand on my fucking patio while his band is watching. I'm not sure. No. The thong song is one of those songs that when I heard it,

the first time for real, I actually thought it was a fake song. Like I thought it was like a weird L level spoof song, but then it just turned out to be a really good song to song song song. So it's another leery. This next one feels like it probably on every Fratt boys mixtape that he made for a girl for gamma sigma gamma. It was James Blunt. Beautiful. Oh, this song is more irritating probably by anyone who's ever worked in retail. It sounds basically hot.

Husky voice guy saying over and over again, you're beautiful. Once again, throwing in a to me there, spike writer, D. Susman called it to me as a bit of a fucking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like a wildfire. A wildfire is not a good thing.

Right. Right. like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that.

Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that.

Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that. Jim from the office at 16 slowly taking his baggy clothes off in the rain. Okay. You kind of made it confusing there at the end. That's bad. Or saying, I'm not saying anything.

Just comment there. Just comment there. Was nobody in love in the Ops? You fuckers. You sit there listening to, I want to hold your hand for the 800th time. But James Blunt gets more pussy than you in 2001. And he makes the list racism. It's racism. Racism. Right.

So, but the greatest thing about this song, Les, we forget, is that the God damn singer starts too early and has to come back in again on the studio recording. He does. So by itself that qualifies this for the worst fucking song ever. Nickelback and Justin Bieber both make the list because of course they do. Rockstar and baby are the songs, the titles of the songs respectively. BuzzFeed's Ryan Brodrick said this about Rockstar, quote, rockstar is the most unequivocally terrible song of their catalog. The aliens came to earth and asked why everyone hates the best so much. This

song would be the perfect explanation. That's so mean. Everyone hates these two, despite that both of these groups are swimming in Scrooge, McDuck, polls, and money. That's all I'm saying. Okay, I got a hot take. You don't hate Nickelback. You hate that Nickelback is put out nine albums and your novel still lives in your head. I feel like it can be both.

Yeah. Magnets. How do they work? Well, he will find out listen to the song miracles. I am saying clown posse. I couldn't even watch the whole video. It sounds like one of those Jesus church rap songs to get the kids to worship. It's been called the most embarrassing rap song of all time for good reason.

I mean, insane clown posse deserves its own essay, right? They do. If the fans of your band get classified as a criminal street gang, I want to hear why. I want to hear what? Yeah, right. Okay. Internet virality propelled the next one to popularity, Rebecca Black Friday. There she is.

Is this song about Friday? Yep, Friday. And how great Friday is. It's clearly a project paid for by a parent. The song had a lot of auto tune and some great lyrics like this, quote, fun, fun. Think about fun. You know what it is. I got this.

You got this. My friend is by my right. I, I got this. You got this. Now you know what. I'm I got this. You got this. Now you know it. So that's the lyrics. And you're such a fucking grump hating on all these songs. Someone has a case of the month of the Monday. Anyway, the producer of Rebecca's Black Friday is back with Allison Gold's Chinese foods. This is not going gonna go well. And it's been called the worst song ever written.

And it has eight footnotes for citation on that on Wikipedia. Which means that there was already seven and somebody's like, yeah, yeah, but I have more evidence. But I have more. Yeah. In the video, everyone stays in all their clothes,

yet it 100% feels like something you would find on the dark web. It's basically the theme song for cultural appropriation. It is a horror. This is what happens when you take CRT out of school, people. Yeah. All right, C. So if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be?

You know, let's start it out fun, but now I hate music. I hate it all. I hate all of you. And are you ready for the quiz? You're about to see how sharp I am. Oh, see sharp. Oh. Oh, I just finished all flat.

So I was gonna say, I was gonna say, I hope I could be sharp, but be sharp isn't a note I guess. I didn't really know that. I didn't say yet. So guys, just be natural and move on. All right. So C-so, that's the other one. When compiling this list, the Wiki editors obviously forgot about A, the entire genre

of Christian music, the entire genre of dubstep. See, the original theme song for scaling atheist or D. My neighbors banned. I gotta go with A there. Gosh, if Christian music was included, it would not, there would be nothing else on the rest. Exactly, there'd be no room for fucking. There'd be no room.

Yeah. Modem connecting songs from the 70s, Yeah. Okay. See so. Yeah. When he's some years of friendship, all gone. And many of these songs are actually excellent. Okay. And there are lots of fun and they are now on my party mix. And clearly, if you don't like Phil Collins, if you told me you were drowning, I would not lend a hand. You can wipe off that grin. I know where you've been. We're see.

I will hunt you for sport in the street. That one's mine. That one's real. Okay, I feel like okay. That's what it is about killing your wife. It is a really secret answer. D, I'll see you in the studio. I choose the weapons.

I'll see you Thursday. studio. I choose the weapons Cecil according to the cast of this podcast why is all the music bad now? Is it a? Is it Tom's answer? Because the internet has dulled the creative spirit of humanity It insists on removing the ability to sit with our thoughts and that which makes us human that is necessary to make art ability to sit with our thoughts and that which makes us human that is necessary to make art. Is it heaps answer? Because all art peaked at kiss from a rose on the grave. I see it.

It's just this, it's my answer. It's not because I have terrible taste in music and I fucking love it. Or is it Noah's answer? Something smart about generational bias, quack, quack. I actually, be honest, I think Noah's right. Something smart about generational bias, Quack, Quack. I think that's the answer, D. Yeah, that's correct, Boo. Boomer, Quack.

All right, see some one more for you. All right, this might all be blasphemous things that you said today about Billy Joel and Forronon Blondes, Linda Perry, Woman of Color. That was offensive. Guns and roses too. I hate Guns and roses. I don't know. Don't spoil it all that. What am I going to do in response, Cecil?

Okay. Never going to give you up. Be, everyone let you down. We're seeing, never run around do certain you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha video so I'll be back in three minutes guys. So this rolling doesn't make sense. Rick Astley, that's a fun song. I don't understand why that's so negative. I like that song. I don't know the answer. Am I the winner? Yes. Yes.

Okay. I really, sweet. Noah, you're next. How's that? Ah, not really, but yeah. Okay. How about Noah, but Eli reads it. How about that?

Love it. All right. Well, for Tom Noah, Cecil and Eve, I'm Eli Bosnick. Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then, Noah, Cecil and Heath, I'm Eli Bosnick, thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then, Noah will be an expert on something else, but I'll make damn sure it doesn't seem like it.

Between now and then, you can catch Tom and Cecil over on Cognitive Dissonant's heat, knowing myself over on God awful movies, D&D Minus, the Skeptocrat, and the Skating Atheist, and if you'd like to help keep the show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us a five star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media or check the show notes, be sure to check out citation pod.com. And remember, in that said, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you