Citation Needed - My Immortal

Episode Date: February 27, 2019

My Immortal is a Harry Potter fan fiction serially published on FanFiction.Net between 2006 and 2007. Known for its incomprehensible narrative and constant digressions, the story centers on a 17-year-old female vampire called Ebony, a non-canonical character, and her relationships with the characters of the Harry Potter series, most notably her romantic relationship with Draco Malfoy. Ultimately, she is prompted by visions to travel back in time to try to defeat the main antagonist of the series, Lord Voldemort.   Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.  

But she she doesn't want to fuck the phone so he tries to rape her and then um what I'm sorry what he tries to rape her Not no, it's not like it's like a comedy rape No, I do not know what you mean by that. Um, it sounds like just a terrible play. It is not a bad play It is a good play and a very funny rape. Nope. I'm so glad you brought your practical puzzle, horrible day. So, uh, no, you grumbling a lot there.

What's wrong? Nothing. It's just, I just came up with a super cool essay for my next citation needed, but I, I know that Tom's going to spend the whole episode shitting on it. Uh, I don't know. I'm not sure that he'll definitely shit on his first note on my last essay was a handwritten

note to my dad. Ask him to go back in time and get a sec to me. Oh, I mean, yeah, that's, that's not great. It's not a great response. Handwritten. He spent all that time, all of those fucking pictures of how to build a flux capacitor that eats me days on that shit thought. I just wish there was some way to get back to that.

You know, get back at Tom. You want to take two thirds of his income. I feel like, yeah, it's a good idea. Yeah, it's been done to death. Yeah, no, that's true. You'd get two thirds of a third that sucks. Well, yeah, that's true. You'd get two thirds of a third. That sucks. Well, yeah, nonetheless. Wait, no, no, I got an idea. I got an idea. Eli, Eli. Yeah. Yeah. Did you pick an essay for this week that you're going to do? I was thinking of doing a thinly veiled cry

for help. Okay. Root stealing my thing. Eli, no, no, what was that? It was a super cool thing. You were telling me about in the car the other day, you had this like really cool thing. The stranger. Nope. No, you got to sit. I know. I already know about that. Obviously, the other thing we were talking about, oh, fan fiction.

That's it. Yes, exactly. You should do that for your essay. Okay. Yeah. So I'll do it right now. You're cold, Heath. Cold. Oh, oh, can I still include a thinly veiled cry for help? Um, can you not? No. Okay. Well, Hello Ed, welcome to CitationNeeded, the podcast where we choose to subject read a single

article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Noah and I'll be audibly rolling my eyes the loudest this week I promise but I won't be doing it alone. Yeah, right, yeah, that's exactly. First up to Beboo, probably could have come up with Harry Potter puns or something for this introduction. Cecil and Eli. Aw, quidditch.

Wh-what's up with that? Cecil and Eli. Aw, quidditch. What the fuck? I don't know. I'd dumbledore the challenge, but don't you think the show has room of requirements? Alright, maybe not. Actually, no. Oh, I'm supposed to have made no sense. Okay, good. I'm not good at words. I had a feeling also joining us tonight are two men who read grown up books,

Heath and Tom. College payoff, mom and dad. It was worth every single job. Using that degree, grown up books. Yeah, scratch and sniff porn. Gotta be 21 just to go down the aisle. All grown up, snap, bookstore, all of us. Yeah.

It's adult content. Yeah, exactly. Now, before we get started, I want to take a second to remind the patrons that this is really more their fault than mine, especially for political reasons down the road. And if you'd like to share in the blame, be sure to stick around to the end of the show and learn how and with that out of the way, tell us Tom, what person plays thing concept phenomenon or event? Well, we'd be talking about today. I mean, I think it's maybe an Evan Essence song or a vampire.

Or that can't be it. I don't know. It says my immortal up top. And then I forgot how to read in self defense after that. So I get it. I should have done that. Great plan. Okay. So Eli, you did what should have done that. Great plan. Okay.

So Eli, you did what it is that you do to articles. Are you ready to wow us your knowledge? I'm gonna wow you with something. No, all right. So tell us. Jesus Christ. What the fuck are we talking about here? My immortal is a Harry Potter fanfiction published on the.

Yes. Published on the in yes, published. I'm already sad. Is anyone else sad already? I just said to say I quit the show. Can we just redo the episode we put poop in each other's butts or whatever that one was about? I'm in the butt by my own butt. Thank you Tom.

I've been trying to get this on every show. Nobody's in getting it. Except Tom. It was published on the infamous fanfiction.net between 2006 and 2007. It's the best worst thing ever written. And because of that, it is a mirror that we must and should hold up to ourselves. All right. So for the rest of us who found our porn and underwear catalogs and the woods, what the fuck is fan fiction?

Bad Noah. It's really, really bad. According to Wikipedia, it's quote, fiction about characters or settings from an original work of fiction created by fans of that work rather than by its creator. God, unquote. Damn, I love America. We're, we truly believe that being competent at something should serve as no barrier to entry.

I love the way to the highest office in the land. Yes. These are literary outsiders. Yeah. That's important. Yeah. All right. Sorry.

I wasn't specific enough with my question here. You like let me try again. Why is fan fiction? Better question, much better question. No, no, that depends on the fan fiction, but like all things on the internet, mostly porn is why, mostly, mostly for porn reasons. Good. Cause yeah, no, I hate it when porn hub doesn't have enough flowery pros to go with their normal

experience. So, for a brief overview, I've collected a, um, by no means exhaustive list of the different categories of fan fiction. They include hurt slash comfort fan fiction, in which characters go through traumatic experience together and comfort each other, usually by fucking. Yeah, usually by fucking grilled cheese and tomato soup, at least in my collection of comfort.

There's also a category called shipping, in which two characters who may or may not have a romantic relationship in the books have a created romantic relationship that's explored in the fiction. Right, usually by fucking grilled cheese and tomato soup, at least in my collection. A subcategory of shipping, by the way, is curtain in, in which two characters every day life is further explored, i.e. picking out curtains.

Holy fuck, is there a choring category? We're characters do mundane household tasks like Huck Finn, Peyton, Offense or something. I'm pretty sure Pornhub already has an Ebidine Jim category. So I also Ibit on the grilled cheese and tomato soup thing. I mean, the hottest part of any relationship is that first sultry trip to Ikea, sexily drifting that wobbly card sideways pass a series of dowel rod puzzle games for grownups. God, I'm harder than a camlock. Just thinking. There's also fix fan fiction, which is a category of fan fiction fiction in which the author rewrites a portion of the series that they didn't like.

For example, on fanfiction.net, there are 233 fix fix in which Fred Weasley doesn't die at the Battle of Hogwarts and 685 in which Ned Stark in one way or another survives the Game of throne series. Are there anywhere they hand the ball off to Marshawn Lynch on the one instead of. And Belich and Beck doesn't survive. Yeah. There's also 65.8 million in which nobody ever has to say Mar-a-Lago out loud. Oh, all right. All right. So wait, I'm trying to hash out the categories.

If I wrote a good work of fantasy with memorable characters and original concepts, would that be a Harry Potter fix fix? Oh, I'm leaving. Oh, I'm leaving that. We will talk about that off the world. I will. So talking about it in the inbox for quite a while. Let's forget. talk about that off the world. I was talking about the inbox for quite a while. That's the damn sure.

A subcategory of Fix Fix fan fiction is Peggy Sue fan fiction, named after the film Peggy Sue got married, in which one of the characters in the series goes back in time to fix the mistakes of the point. They had a name it after a fucking time travel movie. So they went with Peggy. So got married. Seriously, the most desperately lonely activity anyone has ever done right now. This is the back of time and fixed mistakes is one of the mistakes letting Eli write an essay. We can all just take turns, guys, maybe not. No, maybe go back and teach him to tap dance. No, vote.

It solves everyone's problems. No, you'll like this one. There's a category called rational rewrite slash rebuild fan fiction in which, quote, aspects of the setting and or characters are rewritten to be more cohesive. End quote. The fact that you thought I'd like that one has me rethinking all my life choices at once, you know. Somebody go back in time and teach my ass to tactics.

Just imagining Bertrand Russell telling a variety of different characters that they don't exist, you know. You know? Some guy just rewriting water, ship down. It's one page long. Hazel gets run over by a lawn mower. That's the thing. No, that happens.

Oh, hey, it's. Rabbit's lives are so. It's like that. And it really is like that. I mean, the most famous example of this is Harry Potter and the methods of rationality, a story in which Harry tries to figure out what magic is and does not believe anyone who tells him that magic is real through the entire Harry Potter narrative. And it's super popular and actually saw print in several countries.

So there's also Mary Sue slash self insert fan fictions, in which the author inserts themselves into the world slash story. But usually to fuck the characters, but sometimes just to be their friend or save their lives. Fresh zones themselves in their own story. Why it's a fucking story where they get fucking friends?

Oh man, I still, it's my pen. It's your pen. You should have your own ass. I did that by accident once it happens. Excellent. The friend's own thing, not the pencil in the ass. Now I should point out that many believe my immortal to be a Mary Sue, though the author, as we'll discuss, vociferously denied it at the time of writing in author's notes. Yeah, sounds like somebody needs to write a fan-fick, fix, fix, fix, and have a Oscar of Maya Mordel be honest about wanting to fuck Hagrid, just like this is bad, you know, dragon.

I tried, I tried to get a Mary Sue Peggy Sue threesome going once, but they both went back in time to avoid meeting me. Right? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just like, I choose your own adventure, but every choice is just a restraining order. Yeah. Yes. Far. Now, a weird category of fanfiction that I wasn't aware of until I started working on

this is Songfick, in which a story is interwoven with the lyrics of a song. There are over 40,000 Songfix on fanfiction.net. 59 alone about CSI Miami. Hey guys, remember what I called that other thing the most desperately lonely activity ever? So Maculu so By far the most popular is crossover or fusion fan fictions that combine the worlds and characters of two pieces of fiction to create a new story You have examples don't you? I would you ask him I do have examples Noah. Thank you for asking Jesus So Harry Potter and 50 shades of gray crossover category on fanfiction.net contains Wait Doctor who and the penguins of Madagascar

40 census trees. Okay. Embargo on everything Eli is about to listen in the future. I got everyone just for a second though, because Harry Potter is a kid, right? And most of the people in that movie were kids. And unless 50 Shades of Grey is like an art class. They had it wizarding mountain or whatever. I'm pretty uncomfortable with the 4,000 number. And man, the dark guards gets fucking weird when they move out of the junior varsity class. I'll show you what, man.

Another example, a Buffy the Vampire Slayer and West Wing crossover has 35 entry, dedicated to it. That seems awesome. Oh, yeah, it's funny That seems like it's funny. Yeah, it's funny. How many of the apprentice and West Wing? What's that? I just want him to kill myself.

That's just, I'm going to kill myself. And of course, the television show Sherlock and the television show Pokemon crossover, they have 19 entries in that category. And this 19 Pokemon. Dear God, please tell me that's the end of the list. It is not the end of the list. Wait a minute, does Sherlock catch them all? I hate to know.

It's a whole thing. It does it, but he uses a giant magnifying glass to do it. That is not it, no. Much as you may hope there is one more genre I want to mention, and then we'll get to my immortal. RPF or real people fiction. What what often written about celebrities, these stories star and create relationships between celebrities, YouTubers and even podcasters and before you ask, no, sadly nobody is written any citation needed RPF yet, but embargo, we said that who does have a tremendous amount of RPF

Busters like thousands and thousands of RPF entries. Yeah, really? Oh, you know, hey guys. I know this is a little early But you know what I want you know what for Christmas? I want nobody to write us in fan fiction. I want that again This year and you know what I want next year. I want to see Every year until I die, that's what you wrap it up and give it to me always, please. Okay. So I get that it's written, but does anybody actually read this stuff? They sure do. No.

No. The infection contains huge communities of readers and writers. It has warring community factions. It has specialties, even has its own professional editors and publishing houses. And let's not forget that 50 shades of gray, which had sold 150 million copies as of June of 2015, started out as a twilight fan fiction. That literally explains everything. Right. Right. I have no more questions. It actually does now. I understand.

All right. Well, now that Eli's revealed that the high water mark of the thing we're talking about is 50 shades of gray, I feel like we all need a quick break. So here's a little apropos of nothing. Okay. Okay, uh, sexy Lord of the Rings. That's Game of Thrones. Oh, it is Game of Thrones. Yep.

Hey, guys, what are you doing? Oh, I see. So, uh, well, I mean, you heard Eli, 125 million copies. All 50 shades of grade did what he took a book and they made it sexy, like a sexy Harry Potter. No, the magicians did it with the show. Yep. The whole show, sexy Harry Potter. That's what that is. Dammit. Yeah. Guys, guys, look, it's easy to get shaded about stuff like this, but there's always been junk fiction. Yeah, 50 shades of gray sold a lot of copies, but great literature, really great literature,

it's still worth pursuing. Yale James Networth is $150 million. Did you try sexy, do Andrade's dream of electric sheep? Yeah, Westworld though, that's Westworld. Oh shit, it is Westworld. You're fucking right. Right? This is harder than you think. Music

And we're back. When we last left Eli was promising the worst thing I could possibly imagine and I believed him. So tell us Eli. What is my immortal about? Ah, named after the Evanesson song of the same name, my immortal follows Ebony, darkness, dementia, Ravenway, 17th world. A 17 year old vampire who attends Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. I mean, I will sum up the plot as we go,

but if I may, I'd like to read the first chapter in full. You may not. Two naivots. Two naivots. No, I would rather listen to the final exhalation of my first born than a single fucking utterance of this. Two, two votes. So, that is dark.

Well, Jesus, I'm going to go anyways. Are you going to struggle as kid or? I got my figure on his throat right now. He's small. So small. So small. So small. Just a little.

Right. Adam's apple. Ty you deal. Author's note. Special things. Get it? Cause I'm gothic. Oh my fucking God. To my GF.

EW. Not in that way. Raven. Bloody tears. Six, six, six. I'm going to help me with the story and spelling. You rock. Justin, you're the love of my depressing life.

You rock too. That's not even a compliment. MCR rocks. Cool. Star with the hate crime. Yeah. Just gonna go ahead and start the hate crime. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Hi, always a good sign when that's the first word of your My name is Ebony darkness dementia Ravenway And I have long Ebony black I see see where this is going. Hair. Okay, maybe not.

That's how I got my name before that you had no name. Yeah. No name. That wasn't worth it. Purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears. Does my sense to do that? Tell me what that means. I look like Amy Lee authors note. If you don't know who she is, get the hell out of here.

Oh, great. I will do. I am with you. I'm with you. I'm with you. Perfect. I'm not related to the Gerard way, but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire, but my teeth are straight.

And why? You got braces? British fix. It's about fixing teeth. That's the thing. Well, it is fiction. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch. Oh, for fuck's sake, pick a fantasy creature. And I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England, not where Hogwarts was in the books, by the way. Yeah, no, that's a good point. That's the problem with what we're reading right now. That's not the right. That's not the right one.

I heard that. I was like, dammit. I'm in my seventh year. I'm 17. I'm a goth in case you couldn't tell. And I wear mostly black. That's kind of implied. I got that with the goth word. I love hot topic and I might all my clothes from there. Oh my God. I wrote about hot topic and wait for it. CSI Miami. I got a little back to school shop again hot topic for the school which crafted wizardry

mom. I have a lot of Miami. It's a store that exists where they have crime scenes in Miami. Store. For example, today I was wearing a black corset and matching lace around it and a black leather mini skirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. And I'm guessing about 30 extra pounds and a pocket full of daddy issues to this. She mentioned I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and a red eyeshadow.

Yeah, I really don't care. Can I just get my latte? Like I just I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining. Both it was snowing at raining. Both, it was snowing at raining. It was just a crick-to-side. We have a word for that, it's called sweet. So there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

That's the opening paragraph. I just want, I feel like the word limpid spoke with its agent after that paragraph. Right? So it was like time was saying, like I, my eyes are the color of see through. What the fuck are you talking about? I have blue eyes. They are see through.

I will kill you. Hey, Ebony, shout out a voice. I looked up. It was Draco, Malfoy. What's up, Draco? I asked, nothing. He said, Shiley, but Shiley. Good looked up. It was Draco Malfoy. What's up, Draco? I asked nothing. He said shiile. But shiile. Good. Okay. Why do you yell? What's up? But then I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. Author's note, is it good? Please

tell me, Fangs. Exclamation point. I will give you any amount of money and or let you pick one of my extremities to stop reading this story. I will double that and film it. No, no. So from there, I'm not reading from the story. I'm not. Oh, it's extremely. Thank God. I'm very long. So I won't read the whole thing. Well, he already gave a son for this. I feel like that. Continuing the summary. So from there, her and Draco go to a My Chemical Romance concert in Draco. You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, him into this fucking thing. And they're watching a movie from the Weinstein company right after that and retweeted an ad for Trump University. It's fun. Got some Philip Morris tattoos on

our face. He'll Halliburton stock. Wanna prop that up? What the fuck? Afterwards, they retired to the forbidden forest to have sex. And I fucking the car. It's a car. I'm fucking in a forest. Another quote. This is one of my favorite from what it's like. Quote. And then three ellipses. Suddenly, just as I Draco kissed me passionately, Draco climbed on top of me. And we started to make out keenly against a tree. Well, I keenly, does that make it swell? He took off his clothes. So I just want to point out to the drinko climbed on top of her while she was against a tree. That's your how.

He's just sitting on her head at the time. I'm just gonna run. Something's going on. He took off my top and I took off his clothes. I even took off my bra. Then he put his thingy into my you know what? And we did it for the first time. That's my favorite song. You put his credit card into the ship reader. What are we talking about here?

What did he do? I'm saying he tapped it. I'm guessing you're still waiting to kind of close. Yeah. My central style is often described as near field communication. Sorry, I got that. I got that. Yeah.

Her vagina made that awful grinding buzzing sound. She shouted ecstatic, approved. Oh, approved. It's actually pretty close. Oh, oh, ice cream. The sexy thing I've ever heard. Kelly and Billy. I was beginning to get an orgasm.

Have you were not yet. It's not the flu, though I do feel kind of sick right now. Oh, Jesus. Begin to get a little bit more. We started your hand. Is that an orgasm? Is that your orgasm? Just happy to see you, Tom. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm and then what the hell are you doing you

motherfuckers? It was wait for it. Dumbledore. And you made a smoke a whole pack of sex to teach us a lesson. All right, Eli is the 21 point ellipses? There's that quote in from the tax. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, it's just there to build dramatic. I wanted to preserve. I wonder how this sentence will end. I wanted to preserve the author's vision. This is how I'm going to choose.

Picture the author trying to drink something, holding one finger up while the ellipses the best. I'm like that's how you talk to migrant workers. Like you don't say that to students. It's so good. From there in the story, Ebony darkness dementia raven wave becomes embroiled in a love trying. I've got it so many times. It's good.

She becomes embroiled in a love triangle with Draco, obviously, and Harry Potter, who now prefers to be called vampire because quote, he loves the taste of human blood. End quote. During sex with Draco, she discovers that he is tattooed Harry's new nickname on his body. I was swimming on his dick. He's wearing that tattoo. It actually said vampire weekend, but he's a little soft. He's a little limpid. Yeah, from reading that, I have to say I had literally no idea who was who because none of the pronouns in your paragraph has written were defined at all.

And then I was going to ask you to fix that until I realized that your terrible writing was really just a meta commentary on the horrifying literary abortion of the topic itself. So I was like, bravo Eli. Yeah, that's absolutely. Absolutely. I've been building the long callback. Tom gets it. So Ebony Darkness is way. Ebony Darkness Demand, so Ebony is so upset that she runs into the forbidden forest,

where she meets Lord Voldemort, who in this story for some reason speaks high English, Voldemort gives her a gun and demands she killed Draco or he will kill Harry vampire Potter. And he's like, I know you're a power for wizard, but I want you to kill him in a very mundane way. It's my king. That's how I get off. I want you to shoot him during a nice little Saturday at Target. You're looking at pewter frames.

I'm going to go ahead and take issue with the idea that there is any possibility at all that Voldemort in this story spoke high English when it is not at all clear that the author speaks any English and any format whatsoever. Yeah. Well, he does say thou. He says thou a lot. So I will stab you. The next day, Ebony,

dark Mr. Richard Ravenberg, my fucking ass, practicing with her band, which is called Bloody Gothic Rose 666. Her band is made up of Hermione Granger, who is also a vampire now, and has changed her name to Bloody Mary. No. Ron Weasley is in the band, and and has changed her name to bloody Mary. No. Ron Weasley is in the band and he has changed his name to Diablo.

Absolutely not. Uh, Draco's a band and Hagrid is also in the band. Uh, but then she and Draco have a fight and as a result, he slits his wrists and kills himself. So next chapter, Ebony, Darkness, dementia,ven way is in the tub morning Draco and she discovers she's being filmed by Lupin and Snape who she shoots many times with a gun until Dumbledore in her seats at which point Hagrid, who is a student at Hogwarts in her story, announces that he's a Satanist and he's in love with her.

You know, I realized that I had no idea from that last paragraph if she shot loop in or if she shot Snape and then I was like, well, wait, if she doesn't have silver bullets, it won't matter if she shot loop in because he's a werewolf and then I looked down and I was cleaning my own gun and I don't remember getting it from the safe, but it's beautiful. And I can hear it sweet, sweet song and this story is going to make orphans of my many children if we don't finish this up. That's what I say. So at this point, Hagrid, who was actually vampire Harry has a vision of Draco being held prisoner by Voldemort. There's quite a bit more relationship drama over the next couple of chapters, but they managed to rescue

Draco. And everyone goes to a my chemical romance concert and hogs me to celebrate. Wait, isn't Drrico dead? Did they fucking weekend at Bunnium? Like, what do they do? He is. It seems the author forgot. Oh, okay. I guess I probably should. Yeah. I know. I'm never going to forget this, but anyway, it gets better. Yeah. It would have to. Wouldn't it? That is the global direction right now. The direction. In the middle of the concert, the members of my chemical romance reveal themselves to be Voldemort and the death eaters.

Now that is a band name. That is a band name. Attack Ebony Darkness to mention Rivenway and her friends, but they are saved by Dumbledore who is undergone goth makeover. They just throw Draco's dead body at the band and the death eaters guitarist is like, God damn, Phil, you have got to try this thigh. It is amazing. Okay. And just just to review, do I have this right?

The cabal of evil warlocks wanted to attack one high school girl. And instead of like standing outside a hot topic with Roy Moore, they secretly became my chemical romance the band. And they planned an ambush during their fake concert. Yes. Yeah, man, I've held many a grudge in my life, but I will never hate anyone enough to learn a single, my chemical romance song. That's the thing. In the next chapter, a black guy, her words not mine, shoots Lucius Malfoy and serious black. Wait, it just because?

Yeah, it's not clear. The black guy shoots him because. Yep, she just says it. The Ebony Darkness dementia Ravenway receives a vision that she must travel through time to seduce Tom Rennel so he doesn't become Voldemort all while retrieving the antidote to Vera Tassirum, which another teacher has become addicted to. I understood maybe 70% of the words in that paragraph. Also, how does that, uh, seduction plan work? Just like, all right, I'll fuck you if you

don't become Lord Voldemort. What? I don't. That's a future thing. I don't know. You know, I just want to thank you, Eli. I just stopped being the biggest nerd on this podcast. And I'm going to pass on to you this 20-sided die in this hand-painted advanced, untouched, and drag and DM shield. They're yours now. Those are yours. It hurts because you know I would love both of those things so much, she's a, because

I would love both of those things so much. So at this point in the story of the story, I should point out that my immortal was serialized, monthly, much like Dickens. And as time went on, it grew in popularity until it caught the attention of the now mostly defunct trolling platform, total drama in cyclopedia, which is basically Wikipedia for asshole. No, that's conservative. That's conservative.

That's what they're talking about. Yeah. So TDE found it. And since this was back in the day before internet troll was just code for honest Nazi, someone hacked the author's account and wrote two satirical chapters, which the author never took down. But more importantly, total drum and cyclopedia and the resulting dog pile moved my immortal from, you know, hundreds of views and a couple dozen bad reviews, two

millions of views and tens of thousands of reviews. I mean, some people were mocking it, but then some people defended their author for getting mocked. In short, my immortal went viral. Yeah, using the Shakespeare model. That was smart. That was smart. I think I'll put it in there.

So, despite this and the two hack chapters, the story continued with Ebony Darkness dementia Ravenway meeting Marty McFly in the past. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. He has also undergone a Goth makeover and he gives her a time traveling jet black DeLorean which she uses to bring Voldemort into the future for a final battle and then the story ends. Oh, thank God.

A final battle with who? She met somebody with a time machine in the present and she went back in time to find Marty McFly to get her hands on a time machine. Oh, is this the point where we're taking issue with her decisions now? Is this? So at the end of the, yes. So the end of the last chapter, the author says she'll come back to the post when she's done moving from dubia, which we assume she meant Dubai and never returned. Never, never another chapter.

So shortly thereafter, either fanfiction.net or the author, someone deleted the original posts and they live on an internet infamy. My immortal has gone on to inspire a YouTube series, sequel, short films, fan fiction of the fan fiction, dramatic readings and more. So if you had to say what you learned in one set and see, like, what would it be? All right. No, I do have to know this. Who the fuck wrote this insane nonsense? Don't ask him questions.

Now, know of that is where the story gets interesting. Hard disagree. Hard disagree. Well, I at least he recognized that it hasn't been interesting up to this point. Does he? Oh my God, if the author isn't a trustkin, I'm done. I can't. Let's go back to the invention of writing.

I'm so doing the trustkins for episode 100. I swear to God. Trustkin. No crossover with CSI Miami. My model was published under the user name XXX bloody wrists six six six XX and the pen name carousel is still a sea. They also think a co-author throughout the work named Raven who worked under the screen name bloody tears six six six you heard that when I read the first chapter. But the most common question people ask about my immortal's authorship is whether or not it was

written seriously or as satire of fan fiction itself. I find the idea that someone cares about that question less believable than the synopsis you just read. Yeah, right. I feel like at this point, the most commonly asked question about this book is why the fuck are they doing a whole episode on it? I'm gonna say like, seriously though, like this has been a thing my whole life. I cannot tell you how many times I've seen something or heard something and thought like, okay, no way. That has got to be fake. And then it turns out not to just be real, but to be like insanely popular.

And I first heard about like American Idol. I'm like, no, and then the thong song and the existence of the entire band Aqua and the turn down for what video? Just a 2016 presidential 16 presidential election. No, thank you, Tom. In my opinion, I'm torn to put it in bad movie terms. There are moments where my immortal is perfectly unmiracle. God's not dead, but there's also moments where it shows bits of being Thanksgiving.

Now, multiple people have admitted to writing it. Some as satire, some say it was serious and this problem was complicated by the sort of troll dog pile that took place on total drama, cycle, pity. Okay. So are there any outstanding contenders? It won't matter, Noah. Everyone's going to attribute this to Mulani, a Trump when she reads the whole thing allowed at the 2020 Republican convention. So there is one contender, Noah, who especially caught my attention. See, in 2016, a woman calling herself Rose Christo pitched a book called, under the same stars, the search for my brother and the true story of Miami Mordell to make Millen publishing, in which she claimed to be an abused

foster child of Native American descent, who wrote, Miami Mordell at a public library in an attempt to build up a large enough audience to find her brother. So to prove it, she provided Mcmillan the email account, which she had created the fan fiction under, along with the flash drive containing the first 11 unedited chapters of my moral. Are we saying that what you just read past the editing phase? Is how we're saying? No one on earth would admit to being related in any way to the author of

this thing, even if the author had the only kidney in the world that matched. However, before the book was published, published, published, awesome. That's great. I have a degree in literature. I now regret learning the alphabet. Yeah, published. So before the book could be published, the YA novel Handbook for Mortals made its way into the headlines by faking its way onto the New York Times bestseller list.

Now, at the time, many people pointed out that the writing in Handbook for Mortals was similarly awful to the writing in Maya Mordel. And similarly awful to the writing in my immortal. And rumors started to circulate that they had the same author. So Christo and her publishers released statements saying she had written my immortal and that her book and story were on the way. And when the people started publicly fighting to take credit for this, we should have seen the 2016 election coming. It's our fault.

We're being so blunt. Very much so. So a month later, a user on a different troll forum called Kiwi Farms claiming to be Christo's brother refuted many of the claims she had made about the abuse. She suffered her heritage. So she took a DNA test to show everybody that she was. And most importantly, to her, her attempts to reach out to him. Now, Christo, in turn, released a series of tweets and a Tumblr post confirming some, but not all of his accusations. She begged her brother to contact her and insisted that she had, in fact, tried to find him. Big Millen sort of caught up in the drama, canceled the book. And she deleted her Tumblr, deleted her Twitter and vanished from the internet. Oh my God.

Is anyone else breathing much easier right now? I'm breathing. Yes. All right, Eli. So where does that leave us? Confused Noah. I mean, Christo probably wrote my immortal, but she also probably lied about a lot in an attempt to sell her book and sort of be part of Tumblr culture.

Maybe she lied about her heritage and family history to alleviate the guilt she felt about writing a story that was at core, making fun of others. Maybe as she claimed in her final Tumblr post, her brother really had been poisoned against her by their abusive family members. After all, he made his accusations on a troll forum, not in the New York Times. Whatever the truth is, a couple clicks later in these people all disappeared, leaving us with nothing. Not true, Eli. They left us with this beautiful story. No, they left us with nothing. Left us with fucking nothing.

In the end, the story of my immortal is the story about something on the internet being so bad it's good. And like so much on the internet that turned out to be affected, ironic and probably created by a complex person in a tremendous amount of pain. In the end, blurred the lines, the internet allows us to so thoroughly that perhaps even she lost track of what was real. Did she also tell inside jokes that span four podcasts? Yeah. Did you guys not see the writing sample?

All these people are clearly Eli. Like there's no way that's not having here. If we walked into Eli's house right now, he is 100%. I'm positive dressed as a Native American woman with fucking skin mask, sit in a rock and chair like Norman Bates. That's definitely what's actually a series of masks. Covering something. Gone dead is what it is.

I'm putting the pins in the wall. I'm close. 99 ones down. You find an Elizabeth Warren mask underneath all of us. All right. Well, Eli, thank you for making a new example so that the new Coke episode can really be appreciated in my story. If you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be?

Call forward. No, call forward. And are you ready for the quiz, sir? I am. All right, Eli, I'm going to go first. I don't have a question though. I just want to hear you say out loud that you did not write this book using the correct emphasis for not lying. Whatever you think that would be. I didn't know the relied to these book. Incorrect.

Correct. Let's shift gear slightly and talk about some Game of Thrones fan fiction, which of the following sexy Game of Thrones fanfic series girls gone wildling has the best plot development. Hey, a story about how Sansa's soon to be husband is caught giving her dad's head. Be the one where half the caskets blown in a church. See one big guy and a bunch of skinny guys and they're all coming in his back door. Or D the one where the guy fucks his sister. Oh, it's D and it got nine seasons on HBO. All right, Eli fan fiction's real power comes from putting the power of creation and world building in the hands of the masses and then letting them decide the fate. So

when is that a bad idea? Hey, oh yeah, right. Be we should be allowed to vote. That's our, our C, just kidding. Who has time to get stamps? That's not a secret answer. D, all of the above. Absolutely. Nope. Not absolutely. You win. Tom. He's been picked wrong or something. You won't. Good. Well, since I won, I want to hear from Heath because his essay is used complete sentences and even occasional punctuation. All right. Well, for Cesar Eli Heath and Tom, I'm Noah. Thank you for hanging out with us today.

We'll be back next week and by then he'll be an expert on something else. But we know and then you can hear more from Tom and Cesar Lover on the cognitive dissonance podcast. You can hear more from Heath and me on the Skating Atheon, Scott Alpha movies on the Skeffrocrack and you can hear more from Eli by searching Requiem for a Dream Power Puff Girl slash fiction. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. So I citation pod or leave us a five star review everywhere you can.

If you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod dot com. Sexy Little Mermaid? Zyron. Uh, yeah. Sexy Tom Sawyer? Call me by your name. It wasn't Oscar. This is so hard.

Damn it, motherfucker. Jesus. It's true. Harder than you think. Did win an Oscar.