Citation Needed - Napoleon's Invasion of Russia

Episode Date: June 24, 2020

The French invasion of Russia, known in Russia as the Patriotic War of 1812 (Russian: Отечественная война 1812 года, romanized: Otechestvennaya voyna 1812 goda) and in France as the Russian campaign (French: Campagne de Russie), began on 24 June 1812 when Napoleon's Grande Armée crossed the Neman River in an attempt to engage and defeat the Russian Army.[15] Napoleon hoped to compel the Emperor of All Russia, Alexander I, to cease trading with British merchants through proxies in an effort to pressure the United Kingdom to sue for peace.[16] The official political aim of the campaign was to liberate Poland from the threat of Russia. Napoleon named the campaign the Second Polish War to gain favor with the Poles and to provide a political pretext for his actions.[17] Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

But if you ever seen him in the same room, whoo, Jeffrey Epstein and Jamal Kashoggi, they don't even look alike. Yeah, exactly, strange coincidence, right? Well, that they don't even look alike or that they're both dead. Uh, both. Interesting.

Is it not? No, it's the least interesting thing I've ever heard. Oh, hey, guys, you are just in time to see me win this game of access in Allys Napoleonic Edition. I rolled in 11, Tom, you are just in time to see me win this game of accessing allies Napoleonic edition. I rolled an 11th time you lose 14 infantry and three cannon. God, this game sucks. You got time to play a game?

Yeah, he hates fun things. Yeah, well, he's been trying to get me to throw out that script I was writing for the Atrustkins episode for a long time, so he offered to play a game with me if I took a break from it. God, are you sure the pieces aren't edible? If you check it. They're not edible. This game sucks. Oh.

So he's playing the Napoleon game with you? Well, it's access to knowledge, Napoleon. Okay, nobody cares. Boo. What was it? Your idea for him to wear the Napoleon outfit as part of this? No. No, he actually, he just came into the studio in that.

It's not Napoleon. It's Captain Crunch. From the Crunch-Berry Wars. Read a book, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now i'm no illusions and i'm gonna be leading this expedition this week but i'll need somebody to carry me once the frostbite sets in so i'm excited to welcome the three men that i would most

like to climb into like a ta row seating, Tonton. Just holding up. Just holding up. Just holding up. I got, that's a couple of others. That's helpful. I just know I'm not gonna make any jokes here about stuffing my gash, because I'm too classy.

You are way too classy. Good to know that there's some here too classy for a top to hold there. Not acceptable there. And quick, before we get any further, way too classy. Good to know that there's some here too classy. And quick before we get any further, I wanted to remind you that you guys not here this week, because he's at home taking care of his brand new adorable little baby whose entire future is almost entirely dependent on the continued viability of podcasting for a living during a great depression level economic downturn. So you know, you pay for this show if you want to. If you like the one that's out there and stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us heath, what person placed in concept phenomenon

or event? Well, we'll be talking about today. We're going to be talking about Napoleon's invasion of Russia and Cecil, uh, you seem pretty confident. You can take on a topic this big. Are you ready to set off? Underprepared and over confident. It's how we roll on citation needed.

Yeah, we get away. Are we also invading Russia? I have my kids this week. I don't have time to invade Russia. So you don't have time for an impromptu live stream. What a load of things. Russia, are you kidding me? Who's got impromptu?

All right, so I guess depending on what angle you want to take with the intro, who was Napoleon? What is an invasion of where is Russia? Sorry, Napoleon. Napoleon Bonaparte was the emperor of France and the only French emperor to get exiled the two different islands. Well, there were only three and one of them rained for 15 days. Yeah, okay.

That's okay. So I could certainly go on about how interesting this guy was and the changes that he brought about. I mean, the Napoleonic Code is the foundation of the French legal system, but this is citation needed and while Napoleon advocating his throne and getting Exile this pretty much on brand, the reason why all that took place

is the real juicy morsel. This story is about how the most feared military leader of the time basically got rope adoped by a smaller army. The army let its shitty terrain and climate do the heavy lifting of kicking Napoleon's ass. It's about how you can really use someone's strengths against them. Yeah, actually Steven Segal worked with the Russian army while he was a spy.

He's just, he's not even cute enough. He did a class. Yeah, no, it was huge. It's like, this would remain Russia's most lopsided victory until November of 2016. Oh, too soon, too soon. I love the idea of Steven Segal working from Napoleon's army just runs at, runs at Russia with their arms sticking straight out. Just from right over. It's amazing. It is flipping wildly in every direction. So let's set the stage. Napoleon is doing pretty well as far as Emperor Ingos. He's kicked the shit on a Prasha and Austria and he made a deal

with the Spanish to secretly let him move troops through Spain to invade Portugal. The Portuguese royalty had to flee to Rio de Janeiro to escape him. Then since he already had a bunch of troops in Spain, he decided to overthrow that country as well. In 1808, Napoleon appointed his brother, Joseph Bon Bonaparte as king of Spain. And that didn't sit too well with the Spanish, so they revolted. Well, yeah, but like no one in the Spanish is entirely possible. They had already scheduled that revolt before Napoleon took over.

Yeah. But anyway, but yeah, to be entirely fair, Cecil, to overthrow Spain, you just have to wait to like about two 30 in the afternoon. You can't bother napping us. That's the best. We have a nap time, a national nap time. I love that. We're making fun of it, but it's seriously the greatest.

Great. I make fun because I'm jealous. So right. I'm jealous. Like, ugly, it's built in. It's fucking great. So I want to take a second here to talk about the tactics that Napoleon used on the battlefield and in organizing his army and planning battles.

Napoleon had an amazingly large army. He called it the grand army and grand in French means fucking big. I'm a linguist like Steven Segal. The first important thing he did is to make smaller cores out of the large army. These units could fight and command on their own because they had regiments from each combat arm. The cores had artillery, infantry, and cavalry and could act like a smaller army, allowing it to move faster and with autonomy. Okay, so it sounds a lot like a subway franchise with like a less deplorable spokes.

Yeah, yeah. By the way, every time you wrote Grande Arme, I saw Armiana Grande. Just that was like my eyes saw. This led to two other things that the Napoleonic armies did. The first is that they lived off the land instead of trying to maintain supply lines. Most armies, especially armies of this size, required pretty formidable supply lines to keep the troops fed. Well, Napoleon would live off the land as much as he could, thereby eliminating the lifeline tether that was often highly vulnerable. This tactic, as well as breaking his army up

into smaller pieces, allowed him another advantage. His army was more mobile and quicker than other armies. This allowed him to maneuver and take advantage and this quick speed allowed him to move past armies and take their supply lines, putting them in a rock and hard place situation. It must have been awkward the first time both armies figured this out. Just like switch sides all of a sudden

without realizing how, hey, you guys don't have a supply line back here, we don't need that. Okay, we don't get me, I guess we just regular fight, fucking. Marching in circles for a while, like dogs sniffing each other's butts for some time. All right, well, you should fucking fight.

I'm looking, you're butt, I'm looking, you're butt. Napoleon was also a genius with mathematics and artillery. He used smaller, more mobile field guns instead of large cannons during battle. This again made his force more mobile and agile. He used his artillery for a cluster effect. He would point a lot of guns at one area, decimating it instead of pointing his cannon

at the whole field and spreading it out. This helped with flanking and splitting his enemy apart, which were his preferred form of battlefield tactics. Okay, I mean, that's good. I feel like they're stretching the term math genius there. Shoot Aussie cannons in the middle. I'm a genius. No kidding. It's like, okay, our weapons are massive, slow and wielding, incredibly inaccurate. We should probably not treat them like enormous sniper, right? Right.

So, let's get back to the Spanish in our story about the French invasion of Russia. Okay. Okay. Okay. I never do that to you, by the way. I always listen. No, that's true. I always listen. I was crossed, sit cross-legged at your feet and listen to you by the way. I always listen. I always listen. I always listen.

I was crossed, sit cross-legged at your feet and listen to you go, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know about the atrascans. So Napoleon goes in, takes over the country pretty much without bloodshed, and then seeing it's in hand, he leaves. Well, when they revolted, they started a guerrilla war, and that does not play into the tactics that I described before. Napoleon's used to kick in the shit out of huge armies, not having his troops get their throat slit in the night.

So the Spanish started winning battles against his armies, and he wasn't there. He eventually had enough, gathered a quarter million troops and marched through Spain and took it back over. But the damage to his reputation was done. Countries in his forest alliance thought that he looked vulnerable. I mean, I've seen the paintings he was. Yeah. What a massive occupying force completely demoralized by a rag tag group of personally

invested local militants. God, I'm glad we study history. I hate to have that egg on our face again. Okay. And again. Oh, and again. And again. Russia at this point has a peace treaty with France,

but they're struggling financially. The system of trade that Napoleon institutes basically forbids all countries to trade with Britain. Russia disregards this order and trades with them. And there are some other territory disputes, but the real reason for the invasion is for one big tough guy to show the other big tough guy who's tougher. So on June 24, 1812, 208 years ago today, Napoleon starts his invasion.

Okay. All right. Does anyone else just think we should have to say history out loud? Like a few times a year. Just get it. Just a case. And we all hear it. Get it. And they're old and a square to recite it. Start to finish every year. History. All right.

Vote in for Trump. Now, there's lots of different numbers for the size of the French forces. It varies between half a million to 600,000. I've seen even 750,000. This grand army, as it's called, it was stocked up to last about 30 days with provisions. As I mentioned before, that's really not much of a problem when Napoleon conducted this kind of military activity in central Europe. His forces could just live off the land.

He's in for just a slight surprise in Russia, though. Right. Well, you know when we think of Russian president, you know, you picture a fat guy. No. Such a dumb move going to Russia right away like that. Everybody knows you start with Australia. There's nothing behind it. And then you can, and then you move over to Africa, South America. You say, well, the bridge, over to Africa and South America, you say so. The bridge.

Resil. And army this size is also an ecological disaster. I mean, you have a military force of the population, the size of modern day Atlanta marching across the land. The lack of clean water pretty much immediately creates a dysentery epidemic. In fact, it wasn't the only illness that would wreak havoc on the French forces. They had to contend with Typhus, Influenza, and Diphtheria, and the elements, and the lack of supplies, but we'll get there. Yeah, no, to be clear, the guys who died from Diphtheria

right up front were the lucky ones in this story. I see. So when I read your essay the first time, I thought you said elephants instead of elements, and I got like really excited. That's it. For what was. I'll do Hannibal next week for you. Yeah, right. Okay. I was pretty jazzed the only time we've ever had an elephant.

We killed it on this show. That's true. Yeah, right. I don't think we were. We murdered it. And you know what? That's what they did. We're not allowed to have elephants anymore.

Who's that guy from Brooklyn? It was a Brooklyn. And now we can't talk about it even though it's right in the room. The Russian army. The Russian armies led by Michael Andreas Barclay de Toly. Now, in the things I've read, they've shortened his name down to Barclay. So that's how I'm going to refer to him. He's in charge of 100,000 to 130,000 Russian soldiers.

So he's outnumbered about four to five to one. And at a certain point, he's replaced by the Tsar, but really he's the reason that Napoleon fails. That and overconfidence and underplanning. And the fact Napoleon is French, but Barcl they, is none of the reasons? Because he knew how to minimize his disadvantages and maximize his advantages. And the biggest advantage he had was that Russia is not terribly hospitable.

Well, yeah, I, I, right, but like, French rudeness didn't slow down the Nazis. Hahaha. Not terribly hospitable. That is the nicest way to say shit hole country. Yeah. Defies, I think. So the Grand Army starts this expedition in summer.

So they're packed for how weather, but they weren't prepared for how ungodly hot it was gonna get. The heat on the trail was oppressive. They never give an exact temperature, but they use words like stifling and intense. The troops also weren't ready for the temperature swing between night and day. The temperature dropped like a rock

when the sun went down and the army wasn't prepared for that. They also... Did that not happen every year? I guess. You know, when that sun goes down. Is that just a Russian thing? I mean, like the temperature swings, I guess, were really dramatic.

You know, just like... They had like a... Yeah, yeah. So it's really, it's a dramatic swing. They also weren't expecting the thunderstorms that soaked the road and turned it in a muck because a half a million people walked over. You know, Cecil, it might at this point actually save us some trouble if you just narrowed this down to what they were expecting to encounter. It's just like, what if it rains? Shut up.

What's you shut up, Pierre? I saw the thing. It was seven sunny, smiley faces on the thing. I've got the what do I wear app? And it doesn't say anything. Okay. Bring like a long sleeve tea. It's a 10 day forecast. It's not even accurate. I'm going to bring one hoodie. I don't want to pack two. Layers. I'm going to do layers. And I don't have room for a second pair of shoes. Anyway, so here's a quote from historian Richard Reign. Quote, the thunderstorms of the 24th turned into other downpours,

turning the tracks. Some diaries claim there were no roads in Lithuania into bottomless mires. Wagon's sunk up to their hubs, horses dropped from exhaustion, men lost their boots. So they were bottom. Yeah. Yeah.

Stalled wagons became obstacles that forced men around them and stop supply wagons and artillery columns. Then came the sun, which would bake deep ruts into canyons of concrete where horses would break their legs and wagons their wheels. End quote.

Gah! You're making war sound like a huge bummer. That's a big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big big Nothing. It is I, Napoleon Bonaparte. Emperor France and soon to be conqueror of... Comedienne Tarrerus, Russia. Yeah. Yeah, about that. Who are you? Oh, I'm, I'm you. I'm Napoleon like you, but without the accent from the future.

Ah, ah, the future. Okay, tell me, um, me, what glories await me after my inevitable and swift defeat of Russia? Well, you're right. So that's why I'm here. You might want to rethink a few things. Really? Like what? Okay, so, you know, we're French and we basically invented food. We invented it. We took over Spain and the top is just terrific. We mixing it up a little little bit of a little little. The ham in Spain is where they just for the ham.

Yeah, yeah. So have you ever said these words? Hey, there's a great new Russian place that just opened up. No, no, I guess I have not. Not, not sure what your point is. Well, okay, so I'm just saying you're you're planning to feed your army on Russian land scraps. You might want to look at the menu. Ah, my men are the best soldiers France has to offer. My god, we'll eat their frogs if we have to. We'll go without butter. We'll eat baguettes, even if they are, you know, a day old and starting to get a little too crunchy.

We're not afraid of a little hardship. Oh, I'm saying. Yeah, right. You might want to pack an extra lunch. As long as I'm saying, yeah, right, you might want to pack an extra lunch. Who's on the same? I scoff at you at me. I scoff at us.

You're French. The French never surrender. Lunch and a new motto. What? You know what, nothing. Just carry on. And we're back when we last left off the earth had literally opened up to swallow the bottom half of Napoleon's army, and the Russians were heroically backing up some more, Aziz al-Qaeda. How did you pick up the threat from that? It was pretty much the real ugly back in the story.

No, right? Yeah. The Russian general, Newey's outnumbered. And he also knew that he didn't have the quick artillery or the modern weapons of the Grand Army. So he did not rush up to face off against them. Instead, he retreated to villainous, with an eye to continue his retreat to another town called DRISA.

The entire way they employed scorched earth techniques burning down structures and chasing way livestock. They basically took away Napoleon's ability to thrive off the land. When the friends show up, the burn our cities and fields, they're sure going to be in for a surprise, huh? Guy, oh no, we're going to ruin our country to save it. Would you look at all this, Radist, looks like a swamp. No, the trainness.

Why did we move to Lithuania? Should we just let him have it? Napoleon thought he'd catch the army of villainous and he'd have one quick decisive battle. And if he beat the Russians bad enough, then they would sue for peace, allowing to get the spoils of war and finish the campaign quickly. His march there through the country, Scydly Lithuania was not pleasant.

Yeah, still true today. Yeah, right. Lithuania. The country. I'm your bucket list. The country was inhospitable, marshy, and sparsely populated. That tracks.

Yeah, still not on your bucket list. So when his troops arrived in villainists, they were tired, hungry and road-worry. Guys, what are they even trading with Britain, like cold mud? Let's just talk about the other thing. What are you talking about? Napoleon arrives in villainists on June 28th, and it's deserted. So he sets up a depot for supplies, but while the major force of Russians departs

to Drissa, another contingent heads in the other direction. This smaller force stays behind and basically disrupts Napoleon's supply lines using his own tactic against him. When Napoleon, would it time send forces after each of these armies and when he dedicated troops to them, they would attack and hairy in the other direction.

Right, it's like monkey in the middle, but with death. Right. It's some very low stakes monkey in the middle. Same. Hey, dude. I want a big brother, no the fuck I did. So while Barclay was effective to priving Napoleon of any supplies and encouraging him to exhaust and starve his troops, he was not popular.

As you can imagine, the brave Sir Robin tactics he was employing were not going over well with the Russian ability. All of whom thought he was doing an absolute shit job, and even though they were outnumbered, they should fight like men head on. Barkley, after this is all over, will be known as a hero by a lot of Russians, but when it's happening, everyone was begging the czar to replace him. Okay, what's happening that they care so much?

Like French people making fun of the Russians on Twitter? Right. He's the mother playing FIFA, they're getting poned and the chat box. What? Barkley's forces retreat to Dressa by July 10th. He leaves a rear guard dangling. Oh, I hate that.

So gross. Every time. Linty toilet paper. Are you okay? All right. Gotta get the toto. That stops that. Trying to get Napoleon to take the bait and follow him.

He thinks Dressa is a good place to make a stand, but Napoleon's not stupid, and he can see that Barclay is trying to set the hook, so he ignores Barclay, and he heads towards Moscow. Now, this whole time, his troops are starving. People are literally keeling over on the side of the trail from a forced march. Okay, we need you to march until you're half dead. But remember, you're gonna have to march back when we're done. No more than half that is the set. The crazy thing is that Napoleon's so focused on victory, that he ignores the fact that his supply chain

is literally doing its job. They're placing within a few miles of the route, tons of food for his troops, but he ignores it, or it doesn't occur to him, or he's so focused on moving forward, he doesn't wanna slow up. Whatever the reason, he neglects the food and his troops die because of it. Wow.

Just like, climb on this giant pallet of canned foods so you can see the enemy. But sir, I'll just tell you, I will give you a push then. You know, the fuck? Man. Now, while his troops are dying from starvation, there is enough grazing land for the horses,

but the horses are actually eating types of grass. They're not accustomed to eating, so they're getting digestion issues, and digestion issues for a horse are a little complicated. But they have like this real easy fix. You see, you stick your whole arm up to the shoulder and the horse's ass and you pull out the blood. Oh my gosh.

What? Whole arm. Up to the shoulder, horse's ass pull out the blood. Is it almost the length of your arm? Exactly. You're the boss. I guess it's just, you know, but if you have a short arm, what do you do? Get a guy with a longer arm over here.

Yeah, I would. I'm sure your horse is going to be matched to the length of your legs. This makes sense, guys. This is the one time I fucking T Rex arms would come. Sorry, guys. I'm not. I need you to reach something for me. I'm not talking T-Rex arms would come in. Sorry guys. I'm not your guy. He's the guy I can't reach in there. I need you to reach something for me.

He's the guy. I need you to reach something. Might be embarrassing that I can't get the bulls down from the top shelf, but at least I have to stick my arm up this horse. Use your leg. So I'm not sure how tight a fit it is, but after a few times it's probably pretty apple loosa. So it just goes right in. Appalus is a kind of horse audience.

Yes, I've been that sea biscuit. So, who are your hands are so cold? Here's the thing, somebody had to figure that out for the first time. Right? Somebody was like, oh, the horses are having digestion problems. All right, I'm gonna try something. I got a plan.

I've tried this on it like eight animals. It hasn't worked yet, but damn it, it's gonna work eventually. Meanwhile, I was trying to say, you know what, Pierre, I'm fine marching behind a party horse now that I think about it. You know what I was just, yeah, stick it your hand up, it's asses your solution.

We were still in front. That's your solution a lot. That's what I'm saying, you know what you're saying? Yeah, big arm Steve. Yeah, just do it. Barclays sees that Napoleon is heading in a different direction. Napoleon is heading to a town called Smolensk.

So Barclays heads their first and sets up some fortifications. The orders from above are basically begging Barclays to engage. So he digs in and he waits. But when Napoleon does show up, Barclay fights for a bit, weather's in artillery barrage, kills about 5,000 charging Frenchmen, and then issues a controlled retreat. He abandoned the city, which the French had already burned to the ground within artillery barrage, and he crossed the river, destroying the bridges so the French couldn't easily

follow. The losses for this battle range, but authors put them as high as 20,000 for each side. Damn, and he's just like, man, I can't wait to defeat those Russians. And all these burnt out husks full of starving villagers will become French burnt out husks full of starving villagers. And we will know the sweet taste of victory. And then we wait. I don't know what's at the end game of this.

Swimming. No, we trade mud with Britain. We trade mud with Britain. Back to square one, guys. Napoleon stops and smallensk. He holds a meeting with his generals to talk about the plan. Almost all of them want to wait there. The battle took place in mid August, so they figured that they would wait for the

supplies to catch up to them, resupply, restock, dig in for the long Russian winter, and resume the invasion in the spring. Napoleon decides instead that he wants to pursue the Russians and abandon smallens heading for Moscow. I love that the generals are like, I kind of want to take a gap year. I don't know. It's so true, right? They want to be redshirted, I remember.

Maybe back back around in Lithuania. So I'm going to be back back around with the world. What could go wrong with like a major leader doesn't listen to his generals? Yeah. Well, it's actually one general. I didn't put this in, but one general one Polish general was wanted to finish. So he could become like some kind of Baron or King of some area.

And so he was really pushing Napoleon. And I guess he had his ear and he twisted it enough for putting. And I think Napoleon just said, yeah, it was one Polish guy, really, who sort of twisted it all up. Now, until this point, there's lots of little battles that took place and I've skipped over them. I mean, I call them little battles, but these are skirmishes where one side loses under 10,000 men, 6,000 here, 3,000 there. But at Boradino, the armies would clash in their full might. Well, dude, I have not heard such a cavalier dismissal of thousands of deaths since Jesus since Kemp announced Georgia's timeline of reopening.

Honestly. Since Georgia's bowling schedule got released, it's very exactly. To be entirely fair, Noah, like Russia losing 10,000 lives is like, it's not even noteworthy. It's like, if this is like a who cares less about Russian lives contest between the Russians and anyone ever in all of history, Russia's winning is so true. Yeah, so true. And so many of those contents.

Yeah, that's their solution. Now I said earlier, the full might of the armies and I say full might, but at Boradino, Napoleon had already lost 120,000 troops to hunger, disease, and conflict. So his force at this point is much smaller than when he entered Russia. Also, before the battle, the Tsar replaced Barclay with another general, Mikhail Kutazov. Kutazov basically does the same thing. Barkley does, fortifies his position, and waits for Napoleon to march in. At the Battle of Bordino, there's a lot of back and forth. I could go into the tactics, but there's, there's placing of troops encountering, charging and dying. So you are going to go into

the attack a little bit. Not much. I was going to talk about how they use this one line of tree. I was anyway. So the, no, I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. Okay. Okay want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get into it. Okay. Okay. No, that's not any of you. Yeah, no. Exactly. Exactly. You used a stream to make sure that they could.

Anyway, so the initial setup by the Russians tried to learn Napoleon to have him perform a tactic that he liked to employ and thus fall into a trap. Napoleon avoids it. Napoleon and Kutazov also guessed wrong about where the other would place their troops, cavalry and artillery. They're just like, okay, you guys are nowhere near the big red axe.

We don't know. No. We don't know. We both don't know. I don't know. They're both standing there and two safe, fall right ducks to a blackling next to him. Yeah. Yeah. At the end of the day, there were 70,000, standing there and two safes fall right back to the right-wing maximum.

At the end of the day, there were 70,000, and this is one day, 70,000 casualties for both sides. It was the bloodiest day in the Napoleonic Wars. And you know, the funny thing about 70,000 casualties in a single day is the kind of sentence opening that it's my job to finish this journey. into a weird fucking job, so you say it would be like this. This job started with the holiday more. I just want you to remind me of that. I got this stuff. Now the Russians lost more troops, but since they were on Russian soil, it would take

a lot more casualties for them to like, technically lose. They could replenish a lot easier than the French. Okay, but to be clear, it's not replenish their supplies. Just, you know, replenish their Russian. Yep. Yep. They were working on. At one point in this battle, historians think Napoleon could have won if he deployed his reserve troops, but he didn't, thinking he could win the battle without them. Kudazov realizing that he's just going to lose more troops does what Barclay did and he calls for a retreat to Moscow, promising his troops and his staff that they can collect more soldiers and guard Moscow.

Okay, reserve troops are just like standing there and being like, well, we're not called in. Fuck you. They were like his personal guard. What a reserve. And like alternate jurors. They just, they were like, I'm a little racist. You're like, you know, that's, you know.

I know, I know. There was personal guard and I think he just didn't, he didn't send them because he thought he had the battle in hand and it, and he didn't and he probably could have won because of it. At least that's what, you know, I'm on my 15 still. I'm on my 15 still. They weren't doing anything.

I mean, they were protecting him, I guess, technically. But anyway, the Russians retreat, but they leave a rear guard so fierce that the French can't actually advance to follow the fleeing army for two full days. The Russians that were left there were basically sacrificed, but they prevented the entire army from being overrun. Moscow at this point pretty much abandoned the city and the Russian plans for defending it really never materialized, and they marched right past it. Okay, I mean, I know that they're winning and all, and that they do win, but it still feels

like the fucking Russians are cheating. Yeah. It's like winning at risk by like pondering over your next move until I have to go home. Right? This, this actually to me, this feels like beating yourself up first to save your bully. Yeah. It really does. It takes Napoleon five days to get to the gates of Moscow and he finds it burning and abandoned. And he, of course, is disappointed thinking that he's either job. Well, he's thinking he's either going to crush the remaining forces there, or at least receive an unconditional surrender, and he doesn't get either.

What is also customary is that the city leaders would basically feed and house the invading troops and change for sparing the city. Well, no one's there with a hotplate or a dervish and a warm towel and a police super piss, man. Okay, this is just playing root. There's nobody to blend it from. I don't even want to blend it now. This is ridiculous.

That's exactly it. So there's a fire in Moscow that night. It could actually be its own citation needed. And it's not certain how it starts. It rages for a few days until the entire city is pretty much ash. The capital rush at the time, St. Petersburg. And even though this city is called the second capital it's basically worth about tree fitty

so napolean did not receive a lengthy surrender agreement from the czar instead he looked around at a zero assets no one he couldn't push forward anymore and left for home it's not that easy just picking up and leaving russia it's coming up on winner the troops at this point are starving. The road is totally burnt. And if you think the Russians were just going to let them walk away, think again.

They basically harass and harry the army the entire march. The horses have nothing to eat, and they're either left to die or they're eaten for food. And this means all the cavalry men just got to moat it to infantry. And all those heavy cannons are just left behind. Napoleon came to Russia with a half a million men, he left with legend has it 22,000 men. Wow. Now, now there may have been as many as a hundred thousand prisoners of war so it isn't as bad as it sounds, but it's still pretty fucking bad.

Oh, no, I'm sure the fucking Russian war prisoners made it out just fine. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Somehow in this thing, the real winners were like the guys who pooped themselves to death in the first six hours of the campaign. Yeah, I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really,

really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, I mean, the horses won really. Yeah. Yeah. They got good stuff. They got good stuff. Yeah. They got good stuff. Yeah. Yeah. The Polans Army's never the same after that. I mean, he had to rebuild the whole thing. And he did a pretty good job getting it back up to about 400,000 men.

But a lot of his veterans were gone and he had lost a tremendous amount of horses in cannon and Russia. It was pretty obvious that he could be beaten. And in the next few years, he would be beaten a few times until he finally loses it all and gets exiled to that first island. I think this story is such a great tale of overconfidence, incompetence, and French failure. It's just a shame Eli missed it. You know, all of it's all of the sound. All of it. Creating yourself to death. Yeah, it's all right. It's there. Bifting horses. Yeah. All right. So if you had to summarize what you learned in one sentence, what would it be?

As an apoleonic aerosol, you're sticking your entire arm up a horse's ass. It's probably the best thing that happened on your trip to Russia. Oh, it's so warm. It's so warm in you guys. At least there was an elephant. They just had to say that. Why is that shirt guy all the way? That's worse. All my ankles. Yeah. We got to make a chain. It's actually a lot.

It's for when I tug on the rope three times, I've got the block. It's all the way out of here. Okay, we got this isn't working. It's like shooting pool with the rope. We got it like tie a board to ourselves All right in are you ready for the quiz? Oh god nothing on my sleeve. Let me tell you

All right Cecil which of the following is the best ass porn about the French army? Kevin the arms inside of horses. Okay, take a note. Take a note. Take a note. This is my favorite part of everything. Thank you so much for going. All right, which is the best ass porn?

A, Black Booty. B, that was a good choice actually. From Russia with gloves. See the Derby Sanchez. Two Phillies one cup or E deep disimpact. I gotta. I gotta go with a secret answer F all of the above. They're all amazing.

There's no best. You cannot rank one better than the other. That is absolutely correct, season. Oh, yeah. So good. So good. All right, Cecil Napoleon probably should have known that Russia would never yield to a foreign power.

What clues to Russian fortitude might have tipped him off? Oh, God. Hey, Russians drink vodka like hikers sipping a camel back. Be when a meteor blew up the sky in Russia, many of the locals stood up to fight it. See, it is a common street scam in Russia to purposely throw yourself in front of a car and then either sue or fight the driver that is after first fighting the car. That's how Zangief got his start and street for. Or D Russian sports all seem to involve enormously stoic men taking massive amounts of punishment in extreme competitions to see who drops first.

This is not a war strategy. This is recreation in Russia. The Russians actually called it a polionic war, the big French tickle fight. Again, you're trying to throw me off. You wanted me to pick one, but it's not. It's all the above. It's. It is. He probably shouldn't know. Their Olympic team is called collection of countries.

I've never seen the Russian slap fighting. Oh, yeah. They just stand in front of each other, just slap each other until someone doesn't want to get slapped. Or they crumpled because they knock each other out to it. From slapping. All right. So I've got one that can stump you here, Cecil.

If Eli had been on this episode, how would he have avoided the work of actually writing one of these question bits for the end? Hey, do that hilarious. He's just so bad at puns sticking in. Classic. B, no, the weird metal thing that ignores the show subject matter entirely and instead relies on the fictitious personas we've crafted for the purposes of this program. See, that is not what I'm doing right now.

That's what you're doing right now. I'm going to go with the grossest answer. D have a kid. That's the most disgusting thing that he could have done. I can't obvious because that's what he did. All right. Well, nobody was able to stump you this week. So Cecil, you won the episode. You get to choose the host next week.

That is a perfectly sensible dynamic to tie each episode together wonderfully. Who would you have to ask us to be next week Um, who's the other answers to be next week? How are people going to listen to this next week? Is the totally ruined system? I don't know. I can't listen next week. I'm going to choose Tom to go next week. And you're perfectly sane system.

No, perfectly sane. Well, for season, he, Tom and to a lesser extent, Eli, I know illusions, thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week. We can buy Ventom will be an expert on something else between now and then. You can hear more from Tom and Cecil on cognitive dissonance and the sexiest crab species subreddit. You can hear more from Heath and me on the skating aides.

God off who moves is the skeptic right D&D minus and probably some other fucking show by now too. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com. So that's citation pod or leave a five star review anywhere you can. We're going to get in touch with us. Check out past episodes, connect with us on social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod dot com.