Citation Needed - Ned Kelly [True Crime Special]

Episode Date: November 22, 2017

Edward "Ned" Kelly (December 1854[a] – 11 November 1880) was an Australian bushranger, outlaw, gang leader and convicted police murderer. Recognised as the last and most famous of the bushrangers, he is best-known for wearing a suit of bulletproof armour during his final shootout with the police.   Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

You take the ferry. Really? Yeah man, it's mind-blowingly pretty. The view from the top of the hill on the winery, genuinely like one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Check it out. You have to. You make a day to go and do it.

Door opens. How did you get your face free? He's swinging in a circle. Pinch your motion. This is why we need a shared battle vocabulary. We said that. What's going on? This is why we need a shared battle vocabulary. We said that. What's going on? Why is Tom dressed like a knight thing?

Oh yeah, hey guys. Today we're doing Ned Kelly and I figured I'd get the spirit, you know. Hey, yeah! Oh! I see. Armor-clad battles, gun fights, and of course, riding someone like a horse. So heavy. You got your ass.

You have to use your leg. I am using my leg. You're full with your leg. I am using my leg. Careful with the smash. Bash. Mike's. I don't want to play in that Kelly anymore. I quit the horse.

He sucks. Hello and welcome to Citation Needed live from Sydney, Australia. I know it hurts to be a lot of stuff. I have to have the applause effect today. Yeah, we're handing it over to Joe. We even have fake applause written into the notes here, guys. That's not a joke. So make it half-hearted when we do that. Just like this.

Like you have in the other room. You know when they have a science talk. It's boring and you all know it already. Just like if anyone... Just pretend it's sex, is it? Yeah, I'm saying. And of course, this is the podcast where we choose a subject. Read a single article about it on Wikipedia

and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm Noah Luzionz and I'll be your host on this our very first live episode here in ridiculously dangerous Poisonville or whatever you call this place. But I am not alone in insulting you for not being American for an hour, joining me are two men who exemplify the very worst that America house to export sea soul and tongue.

I like to think I'm one great below Tomahawk missile. I'm the actual. Barely. I'm surprised it worked more tariffs based on weight alone, but I guess I feel at home in a country founded by criminals and Nair duels, so it's good to be among my people, you know? I feel good. You need the hat, is all. I do need that hat.

And also joining us tonight are two men voted at least like little lived to 40 last year by their physicians. He's Van Elan. like Lil' To-Forty last year by their physicians, he fan illog! I was fine with the nomination. It was when he started trying to win the bet by feeding me baby aspirin that I was hurt. Dr. Cloudber if you're listening, not cool man, not cool. Give you a one starstar on WebMD. That's where you rate it. That's where you rate it. And the Swapox, but my autism is gone. That's not what I'm saying.

I can't say it was. In this room, that's not going to play well just soon. A lot of downcast eyes in this game. A lot of rickets. Yeah. All right, so before we get this show started, I had a fun idea. This is a special moment.

So everyone who has a cell phone, if you could take it out right now, it's gonna be really cool. I don't want anyone to miss this. Alright, awesome, awesome. Seems like everybody's got their stuff going on. Now, if you would, please, everyone use your phones right now to head over to patreon.com. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.

I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.

I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.

I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. rude. You can always donate later when your conscious is knowing at you at the dead of night. And with that out of the way, tell us, see, so what person place think concept phenomenon or event will we be talking about today? Well, today we're going to be doing the cultural equivalent of mansplains and talking about Ned Kelly who's in an Australian cultural icon because nothing says sensitivity like five guys from overseas teaching people about their own history

Guys if you're wondering this is what cultural appropriation feels like All right now I feel like we've made a mistake this is our first live show And there's an error in the notes because because according to this, it says that Tom is gonna be walking us through this episode. This is high-mile. Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. Very encouraging, very validating. Okay. Appreciate that. Tom, you have already failed to prepare for the show twice. Okay. And that was in the first 10 weeks of us doing this show. Sure.

Oh, all right. I guess we're just gonna air out or dirty laundry in front of the live audience. That's fine. That's all right. It's nice. It's fair I didn't tell anybody that about that time I clutch into massage parlor So I was getting you. Yeah, but you were there You were there, I was working sir

He's made his high school girlfriend getting abortion and then he broke up with her What? What? What? We're doing our banter. Oh, we're doing our banter. That banter good? You did not banter good. All right, so quick before Eli pulls out the

Jean-Bene Ramsey episode, here is no all with Eli? No charts. Tell us, Tom. Shild doll into the background. Just set it next to the regular speakers. They have a freak as well. All right, so tell us, Tom, who was Ned Kelly?

Well, as I'm sure the audience already knows, Ned Kelly was a famous Australian outlaw, which, by the way, makes Ned Kelly the only famous Australian. So you're forgetting Ken Ham, sir. Can we be nice, please? Jesus, we're guests here, for Christ's sake. Yeah, okay. Name one Australian person.

One, at all, including all the people you've met this weekend. I want to say crocodile urwin. Charlie's the wrong. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sam. He's got to be a Sam here. Something like that.

You don't have a Sam. Raise your hand if you're a Sam. No, Sam I am. No? Okay. All right, moving on. Ned Kelly's become a national hero in Australia, which is a large irrelevant island in the Pacific that is full of venomous shit.

Okay, Tom, we're in Australia. Again, just maybe a little respect. Like, embrace the culture of teasing gay people with non-binding human rights. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

Did I get that? Yeah. Next week, they're doing a vote on whether you can kill an aboriginal. That's what I'm saying. For fun. Spoiler alert, you can. I have a feeling it'll come out the same. We got some yes votes, it is.

Got a response. 38%? Yes. That's a weird 40. That's a weird 40. That's a weird 40.. 38%? Yes, it's a 60-40. That's not a 60-40. 60-40. Anyway, Ned Kelly is this kind of amazing character. And I cannot possibly do him justice in just this hour,

but I'm going to try to hit some of the high points. And Ned was born to Red Kelly and Ellen Quinn in December of 1854. Red having been born in Ireland and shipped off to Australia for, and I love this, stealing two pigs. Yeah, you're right. You ran a pork chop shop. Ha ha ha. All right, so we have this humble poor sign origins, Chuck.

So, after six years of hard labor, two pigs. Six years of hard labor, he was given his certificate of freedom, which, by the way, is awesome, and I want one. So, yeah, slavery and alamoni, that's the same thing. Okay, alright. Tell us more about your struggle. It's a report, Conf. On an interesting note, they're just about to give those to gay people here too.

That's exciting. Copies of mind, Conf. Not married. Alright, moving on for my financial devastation. That's great. So he then went on to become a very successful gold digger. So you know, we must have some junk in that trunk. I call him. We're moving on from your financial.

He junk in the trunk. Oh, okay. Any gold diggers today because I have a blog that has dozens of listeners. To say it. All right. One dude. Great. And even though Ned's family history is pretty damn interesting, I can't spend much time

on it because Ned doesn't waste much time in his life before getting pretty goddamn interesting himself. Now the wiki entry is occasionally sparse on details, but indicates that Kelly's family was pretty well known to the local police. There's a fair amount of evidence that they were the subject to some pretty aggressive harassment. And I checked, and they weren't even a little black, so I thought that was weird. In fairness to the cops though, if you stop and search somebody who stole two pigs,

is probably not racism at play, I see two pigs. I know Australia doesn't have a lot of black people, so if you're interested in learning two pigs. What are you talking about? I know Australia doesn't have a lot of black people, so if you're interested in learning about them, read the book of Mormon books. It's a great framework. Actually, in my travels I found the Australians are adorably 1980s racist. Not like boo, 1950s racist, but just like that sweet like, well, like do, come on. Some of my best friends are all black.

Yeah. New Zealand's like black people here, right? Oh, okay. We got some, oh no. No, no, no. We got some, yes, we got some, no. We got some, awful, they were doing a whole thing. About six people? That was a young man, Kelly Rista is life, to save a boy from drowning.

The family was grateful for his heroism, and they gifted him with a green sash. This same green sash was worn by Kelly in his final shootout, and here's a spoiler. It was under his suit of homemade armor, and it is on display blood stained and fucked up and grossed in some museum here I'll never go to. That's a very verbose way of saying some museum but okay. Yeah you don't hear me bragging about all the gyms I won't go to. What you do brag about the gyms you are going to I think that might be worse. What do you do then?

I mostly reach over busy men for five pound rinks. He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, This is great radio, huh? Uses seven listeners at home are missing any. Fuck them, should have come to Australia. Alright, well I still... I want to circle back. There's a museum of

bloody satches. You guys have a museum like lots of Girl Scout massacres. Not anymore right? They're not American, please. I do have to divert for just a minute back to Ned's family because of their mistreatment, at least his Ned saw it, was the cause for much of what happens later. Before I tell you this crazy shit, bear in mind that all this was happening back in garbage times, and people were just like mean and stupid for no reason. And that might help make some sense of this.

So Ned's father, he was arrested, get this, for being an unlawful possession of a bullock hide, the crime being having meat without an explanation. It's the George Pell story. It's the deal. So, Red was sentenced to six months of hard labor for having meat. And upon his release, he basically drank himself into getting actually fucking dropsy. He got dropsy. That's real.

I looked it up. And then he died from it. He dropped. And this is why it's dropsy, right? This did not impress young man. Yeah, young man is just like, I'll show you. I'm going to do shots until I have milk leg. So at the age of 14, right? Are we okay? I don't know if you're not sure if you're not sure. I'm not sure if you're not sure if you're not sure. I'm not sure if you're not sure if you're not sure.

I'm not sure if you're not sure if you're not sure. I'm not sure if you're not sure if you're not sure. I'm not sure if you're not sure if you're not sure. I'm not sure if you're not sure if you're not sure. I'm not sure if you're not sure if you're not sure. I'm not sure if you're not sure if you're not sure. I'm not sure if you're not sure. I'm not sure if you're not sure.

I'm not sure if you're not sure. I'm not sure if you're, stop. No, not that way. Follow up, follow up questions because I feel like this is an adorably racist joke. One of these people told me about it. I just want to be. Again, it's not not. So, he wanders past the Kelly residence and he asks for water. Ned's sister gives A Fook some creek water rather than rainwater and I guess that's an insult. So, Fook becomes enraged and he berates Ned's sister. It's a bad idea, right? So Ned rushes out of the house, pushes off Fook, Fook hits Ned with a stick and Ned

who is again 14 but is described as being between 18 and 20 years old by people who have seen him, he takes the guy's stick and beats the piss out of him. You could say that he beats the fuk out of him. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Wait, so, so hold on. Oh! Oh! Oh! Are we done miming for the home audience?

No! I killed myself, it's good. That was the last one. Are we done miming for the home audience? I killed myself, it's good. That was the last one. I said, hamming wave thing, you got to use it. Because he meant it. Really? It's milk-like teen spirit from over here. So, he says, charge assault and robbery.

If robbery was the stick, that is one creative crown prosecutor. So Ned gets arrested, but not without a struggle, right? The trooper trying to arrest Ned, 14, weighed 224 pounds. He was unable to subdue him. And for the locals, by the way, 224 pounds is some number of kilos or stones or whatever you use. Impossible to convert. It took several nearby laborers who in order to subdue this kid had to eventually knock him unconscious.

And although he's now been arrested, the charges don't stick. He stays in jail for 11 days and he's ultimately released. The police just seem to have some kind of weird heart on for the Kelly family that's taking immediate dislike to Ned. One of the sergeants is becoming some obsessed with the family

and saying that he has become a perfect encyclopedia of knowledge about the Kelly family. It's really weird, obsessed with sergeant. Right? It's the most home ever did. It was a part where he's got like, you're learning push pairs. And as for instance, like dude, it's just,

it's one guy that connects to nothing. That's just, it takes Ned Kelly's picture, moves it down, it's regut, shard of water. So I love this because the name's here amazing. Ned then starts hanging out with Harry Power, a bush ranger. For anyone in the US listening, we call this people landscapers. That's the term for a male porn star in the 70s? The same thing.

You know what? Harry Power and the Chamber of Secrets. So, and if you're gonna be a bush ranger, having the name Harry Power, that's amazing. And I want that business card, by the way, that sells every time. So together, they just, they rob a couple of people, starting with the also hilariously named Mr. McBean.

And a guy identified in the wiki, the other guy's just named Murray. He just, he doesn't think, God get Murray. So Kelly was arrested a ridiculous number of times, but the charges never stick, because the witnesses keep refusing to identify him or disappear in.

Harry Power eventually gets arrested and he believes that Ned ran at him out. Ned was so upset about being thought as an informant. He actually wrote the police a letter complaining about it after being distrusted by the Bush Ranger. Wait, how exactly is communicating with the police, going to give people the impression you aren't the informer? Alright, I'm gonna take these cups out for drinking it, this all sorted out for you. Not on your side, be as old-round. Dear the police, I don't know shit.

Ned. This brings me to the story of Ned's first imprisonment, which, and the story couldn't be much more delightful, began when a friend of Kelly's was accused of stealing a horse by James McCormack. In retaliation for the accusation, Kelly delivers an obscene letter to McCormack's childless wife. That letter being also serving to wrap a pair of bulls' testicles.

Ned. Ned. Right? It's not clear what that letter said exactly, but my guess is that it was spectacular. It just read, John R. Brinkley sleeps with the fishes. Red bulls' balls gives you bat wings. Bat wings is when you spread this testicles.

It looks like a bat wing if you stretch it. That's the bat singing. You get older. It's a bat wing. I feel like a pet. Stretchier. It's more like a taradactyl. I mean, Google ads didn't get it.

Like a windshield cover. The letters just like, at Jane McCormick, Cuck. So how did McCormick react to the bull nut posting there? Well, McCormick confronted Kelly, Hilly pops him in the face, knocks him down, Ned gets arrested for the testicle prank and assault, and he serves three months of hard labor for each of the two charges. I love that assault is the second,

because that means that they have along the books that says no mailing bullballs. Yeah, that's fair, right? He was not the first because that means that they have along the books that says no mailing bullballs. Yeah, that's fair, right? He was not the first to think of that. We got a 6507 white. Now it's bullballs 658. It's a whole-stein chief. Sorry we got a 7203. This is a terrible island slash This is a terrible island slash call. Now after his release, Ned met Isaiah Wild Wright. Wright had a stolen horse, but Ned didn't know that. And after the horse ran off, the Kelly's loaned Wright, one of their horses, and Wright asked

Kelly to help him find his horse. And he could borrow the horse for a while if he found it. Well Ned found the horse, but he was very promptly arrested for being in possession of a stolen horse, which he didn't steal or even know was stolen. Except no one just arrests Ned Kelly. Ned overpowered, I love this so much. Ned overpowered the constable trying to arrest him and then he rode the constable like a horse. I love this man. Driving his spurs into the constables' legs, right? He's eventually pistol whipped into submission and he's given three years of hard labor

and he's 16 at this point. That's the best person. I love him so much. The guy should actually be thankful he didn't treat him like a kangaroo and climb into his pouch. Yeah, they didn't have a royal commission into institutional responses about that.

That's what I was going to say. You know, I have an uncle who likes to fight cops when they arrest him, not a national hero in America. But then again, we're a continent of dogs, not snaker spider ruse, so I can't say anything. I feel like that's what you have to settle for. All right, so three years he spends in prison. After he's released, Kelly was

understandable and stopped, right? And so he decides to settle for. All right, so three years he spends in prison. After he's released, Kelly was understandable. It's not off, right? And so he decides to settle the score with Wright for getting him arrested in the first place. He settles the score by beating the hell out of many 20 round bare knuckle boxing match. Jesus. After which, he gets declared the unofficial boxing champion

of the district. He's 19 now Now, right? Also he is, according to the photos I saw, he is beading at a very high level. That's really true. I mean, he looks like a hair dinner plate. And this coming from a guy that looks like a hair soup bowl. You look like Steven Segal got shipwrecked.

There's no way. Like, what? What? What? James. James. But yeah, Ned Kelly is crushing. I've got shit breakfast. I'm like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, So, Ned is arrested for writing over a footpath. Whatever that fucking means. But I guess he didn't appreciate that anymore. Then I really understand what that means. Because while on the custody of four policemen, he escapes, runs, takes refuge in a shoemaker shop. The shop owner and the police try to subdue him and they fail. And in the fight, Kelly fought until his actual pants get ripped off. LAUGHTER

Oh, man. Yes. So much, guys. See, this is the greatest country in it. Seizing the opportunity, Constable Thomas Longan, which I've made in this round, grabbed him by the balls and squeezed. Right? I don't know how he could get his hands around him.

He's got the right. I got that motherfucker. So, so of Longin. And you wouldn't think you were gonna edit this joke. So of Longin, Kelly says, well Longin. Are we done? Can I move up? Okay, we got 70 pages.

I yelled at the line, Joe. That was my favorite part. Are we done? Can I come in? Okay, we got 70 pages. I yelled at the line, Judd. That was my favorite part. Kelly says, well long again, I never shot a man yet, but if I ever do, so help me God, you'll be the first. I don't generally like spoilers, but he totally fucking murders this guy later on. She's thanks Tom, no reason to watch a second season in a Nedwood. For our Australian audience, Deadwood was a show about American cowboys, or as you call them Australian kindergarteners.

A sometime later a drunk asshole constable named Fitzpatrick, he went to the Kelly House old in an attempt to arrest Kelly's brother Dan alone. In spite of a standing policy that the police do not approach a member of the Kelly family alone, body system fits, body system. It's a tag from both sides, but like Ned Kelly and a Vlasar wrap. Drop bare falls at his head. Not far off, Not far off. So Fitzpatrick ends up making the arrest, and I love this part.

Dan Kelly asks if he can have dinner before they leave. And Fitzpatrick says, yes, sure, all right. Because who wants to go to jail hungry, right? Like what? Ned, seeing his older brothers being held by the police, rushes in and shoots Fitzpatrick in the wrist. The brothers, a friend, and their mom, then overtake the constable and beat him unconscious. Are we really going to celebrate a family where the mom takes part in a poop party?

That's really just unanimous. When the other option is not celebrating them, yes sure. Yes sure we are. That's fair. Yeah, this episode is about feminism. You're welcome. So when Fitzpatrick regains consciousness, Ned hands him a knife and demands that he dig the bullet out of his own wrist to remove the evidence that he was shot.

That's just adding insult to injury. That's like every American politician being like, here's a straw, just suck it out so no I'm not gonna get in trouble. It's all of us, it's every single one now. It's really depressing. So Ned also made Fitzpatrick swear that he totally wouldn't tell anyone Pinkie swear, and so he was like, for his part Fitzpatrick was all like, fuck that and he totally told on him.

Now Ned did stick around to be arrested and tried, but his brother and his friend received six years of hard labor for attempted murder. And Ned's mom was sentenced to three years hard labor for her part, a sentence which was universally thought to be overly harsh. This was the turning point for Ned. I like that there's a turning point. Yeah, he's about to get re-ed now. Because what I just relate to is the official police version. Ned's version is that he was actually 200 miles away

at the time of the incident that Fitzpatrick was a loose cannon who showed up drunk, was humiliated by Ellen Ned's mom, and who heard his risk because he was fucking drunk. And all the rest of the story was just a made up bullshit. Well, Tom speaking of made up bullshit, this seems like a great time to pause for a quick break for something we like to call apropos of nothing.

This is what we play the famous. Oh I need it. God damn it it says accents., fellas, how you doing? I can't. I can't do it! I can't do it! You know what I'm saying? Thank you very much. You have to do the rest of it that way.

I'm doing it that way. It's not going that way. It just says accents, it doesn't specify which is... Right, yeah, it's not a spell. It's just a couple quick questions about a gang hit. Fuck. Fireways fell as literally. I can't.

Well neither can I, but I still try. Right, yeah, so that's what we were talking about. We've actually been murdering people, taking hostages and stuff. We're robin' banks. Right, right, all the usual criminal stuff. But uh, there seem to be some extras. What kind of extras?

You know, like, like the armor? Yeah, it just seems a bit extreme. Stops bullets? Does it? Sure. Fucking crushing this. Okay. But what about the hostage party?

Does the hostage party seem super blunt? You want unhappy hostages? No, no, but it's that we should have like... Okay, but what about the knife teeth? Yes, us replacing our teeth with knives was an odd choice. You all don't like the knife teeth? No, it's a hot shoe. No more. No, fine.

Keep regular teeth, but when you want to eat a man's head, don't come crying to me. See, it's stuff like that. You say, I never want to eat that. Never. We're a weird gangly. It's good. Well, it's almost like I'm psychic. I wrote in something about how terrible Tom's accent was right there.

So, yeah, no, we all regret that except for those of us who won't live long enough to regret anything because they're in Australia. But before all of that, I think Tom you were telling us, Ned wasn't over much happy with the way the police don't treated his Mimal. That is not. So after the senses are handed down, Ned and Dan decided they were tired of this bullshit, right, and they'd go into hiding with a couple of their buddies. Now they're the Kelly gang, and they went off to hide

in the Wombat ranges, which is about the best name for a place possible. Also, guys, where can I eat one of those things? Suggestions? Anyone? Actually, the Tarrangazoo has a whole buffet filled with them. Warning, sugar gliders, very misleading name. There we go.

Very gamy and squeaky. Jesus. So the police got wind that the Kelly Gang LAUGHTER Jesus. So, the police got win that the Kelly gang was hiding with the Lombats, and the dispatch two secret teams to capture them, intending to discover their location and execute a Pinchermoveman. See? Pinchermove! They have a battle vocabulary. They have obviously established it.

Four guys. This is all to catch four guys. Unless not forget the Wombats, Tom. Right, Wombats too. And for our American listeners, by the way, a Wombat is like, Tom but a marsubial. Right? I'm not sure what that means.

And for our Wombat listeners, Tom is like, Gary the Wombat who fell into that vat of creatine. My kidneys are gonna fail. Gary the Wombat who fell into that vat of Crete. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And Mac and Tyre and Longin were left alone in the morning to make tea and do the bitch work while Kennedy and Scanlon went out scouting. Like we said, this episode is about feminism guys. This is feminism. Alright, so... So, it's very... Of course, I deleted my jokes now.

I changed it. So, of course, fucking dumb shit Mac and Tyre sees a parrot and just I changed it. So of course, fucking dumb shit, McIntyre sees a parrot and just shoots at it because that's what you do when you're sneaking around trying to catch dangerous criminals, right? Just like, shut up, rustling, leave slam! And as you might expect, Ned hears the shot because he's not completely deaf or stupid and he's on the lookout for this exact situation. So he and his gang get the jump on these keystone comp idiots.

You always kill the parrot. It could have talked. Oh. Oh, Jesus. That's funny. Why do you confide in perkerasin-keylor money? Where you at? Oh. All right. Now Macintyar throws his hands up because he knew he'd been beat.

The longion, the squeeze guy from before, he goes for his gun. He gets shot right in the fucking temple, and I love his last words, oh Christ, I'm shot. Nice and obvious, right? Obvious cop is obvious. Kelly then basically calls him a moron, robs the corpse, and then robs Macintyre. And there's this to a parrot with what one wing flapping over the body going,

Christ I'm shot! Christ I'm shot! See this is why I always carry a note. Then there's just this amazing exchange, right? Where Macintyre asked if Kelly is going to shoot him. To which Kelly replies, no, why should I shoot you? I could have done it a half an hour ago if I wanted to. Which has to be relatively cold comfort

as this conversation is being had next to the corpse of McIntyre's body, right? Kelly then persuades McIntyre to quit the police force and helps convince Kennedy and Scanlan to surrender when they return, promising to shoot no one as long as everyone surrenders. They then have a bit of a laugh about killing kangaroos together.

Sorry, Matt, mattering you, friend, but the pachis, for all it's hilarious. Ah, sometimes I'll cut out the legholes like a baby Björn. I think it's gonna catch on. I think it's gonna catch on. All right. All right, so Scanlan and Kelly, Kennedy arrived. And Mac and Tyre is like, hey, you guys should totally surrender like, right now you should

surrender. This is the time. The Kennedy thinks this is Joe, and he puts his hand on his revolver. Instead, he's immediately shot at, but he's not hit right away. Scanlan is shot and killed right there. Mac and Tyre deciding that perhaps this is not his very best day jumps on Kennedy's horse and gets out The horse gets wounded dies a few minutes miles later Kennedy's body is found, but nobody's really what sure what happened there diabetes

Horse murder suicide Land shark what game we plan on game Land shark? What game are we playing on? Game. Sajjejanita. Now of Macintyre, Kelly commented only that he didn't want to shoot him, since he'd already surrendered. Poor guy. Poor Kennedy. One week from retirement.

Yeah, Kennedy's in good shot, have a long and story to international. I don't understand that No, no, I think about it, the kangaroos in that Zaprooter tape they seem out of place One kangaroos, the only thing that's in there What would you be doing with these? For our Australian listeners, the Zaprooter tape is the video of when President George H. Bush was working for the CIA and shot then President Jack No, no Okay, agreed to disagree It was Aaron Stoner, and he did it to get the jacky for the CIA and shot then President John. No? No? Okay, agreed to disagree.

It was air-restaurant. It was just a good idea to get the jacky. And we did not agree. All right, so it turns out that the government doesn't take too kindly to the murder of three police officers. So they put an $8,000 bounty on net and they passed the Felon Apprehension Act, which is a terrible name because it has nothing to do with Apprehension at all. The act made it legal for anyone to just shoot at these guys.

The government had now created an incentive plan for vigilanteism. Everyone's at home just furiously breeding their Ned Kelly's. So, Kelly's getting his gun on the run. They need some money, and they have to spend all their scratch on brass ball polish at the point. So they decided to take a bunch of hostages and rob banks, because I'm fucking. So they head over to, and I am not making this up, this is a place,

Gourom Gourom Gong Wool Station. I'm cheese. Which was owned, no shit, by a man named Mr. Young Husband. Because Australia. That's why. I think the best part of this story is that you know at some point someone took it super seriously and was very tearfully like it was then that Mr. Penny Snickers. Who at the time was it booby booby-bobie-bang? God, this is hard. No! So the Kelli gang, they hold up this crazy joint. They put all the people there in a storeroom.

They stole suits so they'd look fancy and then they went to rob the bank later. But before going to the bank, they cut all the telegraph wires, which is a hell of a lot more work than just ripping a phone out of the wall, and then they kidnapped the telegraph repair guy. Some railroad men tried to interfere with them, but they kidnapped those guys too.

And then they just tossed a whole lot of them into the storeroom. They telegain Rob the Bank, but they were so polite and pleasant about the whole thing that they ended up drinking whiskey afterwards with the bank manager. I love that. They then headed back to Bunga Bunga,

or whatever the fuck where their hostages were, and they had fucking tea with all the hostages. The whole thing was described as by the hostages as pleasant. We have a name for that. It's called Stockholm Syndrome. Maybe you should treat your hostages better. Maybe you should remember the safe word. John Benet.

So they then decided to rob a bank in Gerald Derry. Again I love this place. But they didn't want any trouble from the police. So they go to the police station, pretend to be drunk, yell about a murder, then all the police come out, they hold up the police, steal their guns, and lock them in jail. They're on jail. That's a secret. Dan Kelly and Hart then steal the police's uniforms,

and just walk around town with us. That's fucked up police. All right. Hey, Synchronicity was a good album. I feel like you're under arrest. No, you're under double arrest. You're under double arrest. You're under double. No, you're under double arrest. I'm not. You're under double.

Can't triple stamp that. Hey, can we take like a selfie in the morning? So, I just feel like, what if we switch clothes? Don't be fun. It's a lot of stuff. And then, didn't you guys invent the selfie here? By the way. I'm picturing some guy just coming into the police station

about his neighbor's headges and he's just like, look, I don't care who deals with this, but someone hates to deal with it. So murderabandits, you come, they're too tall. It's the three teeth. So they robbed this bank, right? And they scare a man in the process of robbing the bank so badly that he develops a lifelong stutter.

They then rob damn near the whole town. They just go around robbing the town itself. The bank is not enough, except they wouldn't steal from women or the very poor. And then they also burned the mortgage documents in the bank. I'm pretty sure he's Tyler Durden. Yeah, I'm sure that Kelly is Project Mayhem, and we shouldn't be talking about it. So we're in a lot of trouble now. The public, they started to become rather enamored of these fellows, as you might imagine,

when someone burns your mortgage, right? And the tide of public opinion turns in favor of Kelly. The Felon Apprehension Act was actually allowed to lapse and was not renewed. Well, now that you can't get the grant, they're just letting those captive Ned Breeder's out into the next house. That's not allowed.

The wildest thing to do. Done with all. Let's be on the welcome side. Welcome to Australia. Cobra effect in the country. Actually, it works better for the US. Yeah, no. I know.

We're not doing well. All right, so. It's not a great year. Did the cops just finally give up at this point or what? Not even close. So the police attempted to use this guy named Aaron Sherritt as an informant and a guide to help them capture the Kelly Gang. Now Sherritt himself was something of a badass. While in the hunt camping with the police,

the police were shivering and covered in animal skins and blankets through the night. Sherritt didn't even wear a coat. All right. Of the rest of the Kelly Gang Sherritt was totally dismissive but even this guy respected Ned and here's what he said about him. He said, I can beat all the others. I'm a better man than Joe Burn, I'm a better man than Dan Kelly, and I'm a better man than Steve Hart. I can lick those two youngsters to fit. I've always beaten Joe.

But I look upon Ned Kelly as an extraordinary man. There's no man in the world like him. He is superhuman. So, Dan and Joe, they didn't particularly appreciate, shared this mis-siv attitude. So they promptly surprised him in the middle of the night and shot Gundam in the trash. So trash talk failed.

Yes. Didn't worry about it. Didn't worry about it. The Kelly Gang is now on the run, and they go to Glen Rowan. Once there, they fucked up the train tracks. So that if the police show up with reinforcements via train, the whole train would just derail.

They then, again, they take over the whole town. Just like four of these guys. They take over the whole town, they take 62 hostages in a hotel and get this shit, they throw a party with these guys. Ah! Ah! Oh!

Yes! Yes! This guy is basically Chevy Chase from National Lampoon's vacation, except for he doesn't have a pellet. Yes! Or a crippling cocaine addiction? So he's awkward at the end of that hostage party though. Like, so you want to get out of here? Trick question! Okay.

I'm going to murder you every five minutes. Five minutes? How does it? I'm going to have to do something with hostages. Party. So, I love it. So two trains of police are dispatched from Melbourne. I was just... It's something with hostages. Party. So, So, two trains of police are dispatched from Melbourne,

and it would have derailed except for one of the hostages escapes and runs out to warn the police, which is a fucking party file. Yeah, it's also right on the front page of the I was kidnapped handbook, too. By John... Stop it or stop! No. No. I can't be the same for it anymore. You got too many syllables. Sorry. That's not why. Now the gang once they realized that the police had them surrounded they

tried to let all the hostages go but the lady of the house persuaded them to stay and listen to Ned Lecture them. Right? So the Lecture gets concluded, no details on what the Lecture is about. And the gang got ready for what turned out to be their final showdown. Please shut, did people just climb on their desks and say, oh Captain, my Captain. Oh, fell in my felon. Yeah. By the way, it sounds like we're getting a Robin Williams type ending here.

Yeah. Anyway, it sounds like we're getting a Robin Williams type ending here. Yeah, I was like, oh, I was a Robin Williams. Yeah, national treasure here. Now, here's my very favorite part. They get ready for the final showdown by putting on homemade armor. Oh, yes. That's right. These motherfuckers built a forge in the bush and they used quarter-inch steel plate from plows and they used quarter inch steel plate from plows

and they construct helmets and full armor. Arms had chest all of it covered in steel. They made themselves into pistol packing medieval knights on the fly in the bush. Australia beaten swords out of plows since the end of the year. Now the police arrive and they surround the Kelli gang. So it's out of plow since 18 years. Yeah. I don't know. Now, the police arrive and they surround the Kelli gang. The firefight was so severe it had to pause because there was so much gun smoke in the air. Nobody could see what they were shooting at anymore.

And thus, the first country music festival was more. If you're soon. If you're soon. I'm going to be a super star. For our Australian listeners, that's the thing that happened to us for the millionth time a couple months ago that happened to you once and you got rid of all the murder machines. It's hard to understand. But that's what happened is one time.

Yeah. Yeah. For us, it happened to kids and we were like, still though. I locked my targets. So the women and children were allowed to leave after several ballies of shots and injuries on bullsides. At first light, Kelly, who had snuck out of the hotel dressed in homemade armor, attacked the police alone with a pistol.

There were 30 police versus one armored net, right? The police are not in the winning side. So net was hit 18 times in the armor with no effect. The police began to fear that he was supernatural. They called him a devil until one of them noticed that the devil didn't have metal pants. And so they shot the fuck out of his legs! And growing.

So Ned was a last captured. Ned skipped leg day. Oh! It's still three guys, right? So to get the rest of the gang, they brought in a cannon. Three guys, a cannon. They brought in a cannon, but eventually they just set fire to the building. Now, exactly how the rest of the gang died is somewhat unclear.

Maybe by cannon and fire. Or diabetes. Yeah. Of course, cancer. Likely, not likely, not likely. So the only one to actually survive is Ned. Jesus. Ned stands trial for murder threatened to see the judge in hell.

And he was sentenced to death by hanging. When he spoke to his mother just before being hanged She reminded him to die like a Kelly before your time He did die like his dad they both were drop seed Okay Robin Williams Oh, it's hanging the comment. You don't like hang Oh, it's hanging! The comment you don't like can't comment. Terrible. All right.

Now there's some debate about his last words, but reports are that walking up to the gallows, Kelly casually compliments a small garden and just before the big drop uttered such as life as his last words. Although some also reported his last words is, oh well, it's boz it's come to this. Which are far superior to my last words, which will almost certainly involve agreeing to supersizing something. Mine are going to be told you so. All right, so if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, Tom, what would it be? That, well, I'm not 100% sure that I can place my finger on it.

There is a ballistic belligerence and nonchalant attitude towards danger and violence in this guy that just feels perfectly Australian. All right, so now that I've granted you as an official Australian historian, are you ready to face a barrage of questions from our panel? If by ready, you mean this is a required portion of the program? Yes, I'm ready. Okay, that is a required portion of the program? Yes, yes. Okay, that is what I meant. All right, Tom. Yes.

What was Ned Kelly's nickname? Was it A? Man of steel a bunch of stuff. No. B. The hostage whisperer. It's not an accurate. Or C. Blight and shining armor. Oh, I'm gonna go with, because Superman is clear

with a superior superhero. Man, I'm steel a bunch of stuff. That's correct, yeah, there we go. All right, Tom. What's the most famous Ned Kelly souvenir chachki? A, Ned Kelly finger cuffs. So when you kidnap people, they'll be restrained, but in a hilarious fun way.

So that they won't say mean shit about you later. B, a Ned Kelly black face lawn jockey. So you can quit wanting about institutional racism and show people how tough it was for the Irish at one point. What's the use? What's the use? What's the use? Wow, OK.

No, I feel uncomfortable ever. See, and you thought you were going to have to end on this. See, Ned Kelly Alarm Parade. LAUGHTER It's got one use, it's an animatronic parade. You trigger it and it screams the lyrics to surf and bird until it explodes. I'm a mahu, mao mao.

Okay, and then lastly, D, a Ned Kelly fountain pen, which is filled with white ink, because this would be a very different story if it were black. Wow. Okay, that's a truth bomb. Boom! Oh, okay, that's a truth bomb. Boom! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha want to move to Australia. Is it A? Chris Hemsworth. So Eli didn't realize this Chris Hemsworth. He was the guy in the tag warrior watch poster thing, and he owes me all his 20 years. My lawyer was present there.

He's right there. He heard it. He's going to be there. He's official. This is on a core now. This is legal document. This is legal document. He Lios, all the money is done.

He's that turn it upside down. And it's going to be an entry-game thumbs up that's locked in. Excellent doughy with that. Turn it upside down and it's... And your game of thumbs up, that's what I did. Excellent. That was egg. So you know what I mean? Cool. Okay. B.

B. Reason I want to move to Australia was it the long black. Not the penis or the misnip. No. Apparently they're not allowed here. Do you have any glad people? Do we have any glad people here? Oh, okay, okay. But we did get the one woman who objected very loud. She was like, we did! I mean, no, he's wrong. I'm just... January story? I've seen two black people this entire time.

They were both being questioned by the police. Yes, absolutely true. That is 100% true. I did not make that up. I felt so at home in that moment. Yeah, that's kind of... I wasn't at home. Nobody was beating them, so... Okay.

Another good reason I want to move here. Okay. Or C. Air supply. Not the band, the breathing stuff. Trump pulled us out of Paris, he was terrifying. D, ACDC, not the band, the electricity. When a new clear device detonates over New York, because of a Twitter fight when I have electricity, through the room, you move here, that would be better. Or E-all the above, it's over in New York, because of a Twitter fight when I have an electricity. True, yeah, true. Of here, that'd be better.

Or eat all the above, it's fantastic here. It'd be some amazing wonderful. It's not E. I'm not E. I'm not E. I'm not E. Who's Chris Hemsworth again? It's Thor.

Okay, yeah. It's the Long Black. It's the Long Black. It's the Long Black. It's the Long Black. It's amazing. Actually, it's not because for the formula. It's not, it's not. It's not.

It's Eve. He could have gotten these people. I'm so amazing. It's Eve. Edited it. Sometimes we edit these things. All right, well, it looks like Heath, you were the first to best our expert.

So who's going to be taking over hosting duties next week? All right, well, you got better gear up, start making some money, it's Eli. Okay. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. All right, and of course, we always end on a Twitter question.

This isn't gonna, you guys can't answer this yet, because you'll fuck up our chronology on the shift to wait until this episode comes out. But our Twitter question for the audience at home is if you could invite Ned Kelly to one holiday party, which one would it be? Is all of them a possibility? I want him every way. Yeah, all the parties. All right, well for Tom, Cecil, Heath and Eli, this is Noah, thank you for hanging out with us today. We're gonna be back next week, but not in person

and not in Australia. And by then, Eli will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can listen to Heath, myself, and Eli Ramp, Raven, Frauth, mightily over at our shows, The Skating Aids, The Eskod, Alpha Movies, and The Skeptocrat. You can also catch Seasal doing all of Tom's homework over at Cognitive Dissonance.

And if we survive the Poisonous Wasteland, that is your post-apocalyptic wasteland country, we'll have more shows coming. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a prepsidotination at patreon.com. So that's citation pod or leave us a five star review on iTunes or wherever else you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect to us on social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citation pod.com.

Thank you Australia. And remember, we are as afraid of you as you are a fox. That's true. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's still mad about me riding you. Yes! He's the one who hit your motion! He didn't discuss that head.

Thank you. Thank you guys. What do you mean, Pinchermoth? You like still finishing this, finishing the episode there. He's just getting started. Don't worry about it, man. No, he just had the first slide. It's cool. He only had 20 hours on an airplane, so he didn't know to answer. I was going to get write a little fast. What show are we doing?

What show are we doing? Is the movie one? We're playing some clips to echo his silence. That's what I'm talking about. I'm the first bad guy. I'm the first bad guy. This one's the scripted chef. You just wrote it this morning.

I'm blue.