Citation Needed - Nicholas Alahverdian

Episode Date: August 9, 2023

Nicholas Alahverdian (born July 11, 1987),[4][5] also known as Nicholas Rossi and Arthur Knight, among other aliases,[3] is an American sex offender who faked his own death in 2020. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.  

A billion dollars? Yeah, they think it's gonna beat the Batman. You think Ben Shapiro will hang himself if it does? Why beat the high hopes so? There he is! Hey buddy! Say so! Now, before you say anything, we all heard about you losing your day job and we thought,

Hey, what better way to welcome you back from vacation to your new full-time job than with some fun activities. Yeah, we got a piñata shaped like your old boss. And Eli found the university directorie so we can make some prank calls. Yeah, we even made you a smash cake of the old building. Guys, look, I really appreciate all this, but honestly, I'm excited to start a new chapter on my life as a content creator.

I'm trying to move away from the bitterness and embrace making art, which when I think about it, I'm incredibly lucky to do. Oh, that's okay. That's really nice, actually. So what's the essay this week? Oh, you guys gonna make fun of a rapist with a funny accent? Nice. Good to be back. Great. So can I smash the smash cake? Yeah, you can smash the smash cake.

Yeah, I want to smash the smash cake? Yeah, he can smash the smash cake. Yeah, I want to smash the smash cake. Whatever you smashed stuff all the time. Yeah, but never on purpose. Hello and welcome. The Citation Needed podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Is this the internet? That's how it works now. I'm Heath. I'll be hosting this discussion about a white guy in America who had a really hard time you got.

Really hard to say. And I'm joined by four experts on that who were also confused by the Barbie band. She's so big on Andy Lye. I lost my job. Sorry, I was confused by the Barbie movie, my fault. My bad. My bad. Honestly, I'm just confused by why we're still making movies after Gerwig perfected it there, right? It's so good. See, I was good, but still the weirdest toy stories sequel I've seen yet.

Fine, thank you. Tom, someone said it. Second weirdest, actually. All right, and a quick announcement before we get started, we got our very first advertiser, very exciting. Now, we know some of you are deeply allergic to that sort of thing. But the good news is that you can support us on Patreon and skip those ads.

That's right. Patrons get an ad for version of every episode. If you'd like to help us out, you can sign up at patreon.com slash citation pod. We would love that. Alright, so Eli, tell us what person plays thing, concept phenomenon, or event. What we're going to be talking about today. We'll be talking about Nicholas, Alla Verdean. Okay, so who is Nicholas Alla Verdean?

An excellent question, Heathlton, because in this episode alone, Nicholas will go by three names, and it appears he's gone by as many as five more. But for our purposes, he's a con man, a rapist, perhaps the downright worst liar in criminal history, and I am so excited to tell you guys about him. I thought I was going to be a content creator full time when I lost my job last week, but now I'll make a note here to upgrade to LinkedIn premium. Oh, there you go. Yeah, before we dive into the Olympic swimming pool of horseshit, that is Nick's life,

a couple of warnings. Given the fact that we are comedians, not journalists, I'll admit we tend to stay away from the living on this show, far be it from us to accidentally damage an innocent person's reputation based on the aforementioned single Wikipedia article reading form of research stay away from the living on this show. Far be it from us to accidentally damage an innocent person's reputation based on the aforementioned single Wikipedia article reading form of research we are known for on this program. But in Nick's case, I've made an exception

because whatever else is true about Nicholas Alivertian, he is a terrible person and a serial rapist whose life is by his own making a cobbled together shambled of his own falsehoods. And if I happen to add to the pile with a slight journalistic flourish, you're there. So be it. That's not a journalistic. You're just cutting anti-interference. Exactly. Thank you. Thank you Just say, Flur. Thank you. The point is, I hope he hears this and I hope it hurts his fucking feelings. I agree with that. Got me back with the last. Guys, we not have a no rapist for the comedy show policy in our handbook.

Before there's only so much room on the fucking white board. Exactly. Yeah. Buy another white board if you want to make rules. Born July 11th, 1987, Nick had a bad childhood. Who fucking cares? Three fifths of this podcast had a bad childhood and none of them raped anybody. Who's the, who's the two? All. Yeah. Great question. Yeah. Who? Come on. Wait. Who do you think? Do you think I had a good or bad childhood? I didn't know that you knew you had a bad child a great four fifths of this

Sometimes he's like the toothpicks were a learning tool and you never I don't know I had an amazing childhood. Okay, see Three fifths. That's why I was lower middle class. I played a sport most of the sense right? You got to hide your shit on your self and puke at the same time and action part Exactly. The dream. Dad outlived the Eli's and that's all the matter. Guys, it's true and we were betting on that. The point is we're here to make jokes about a shitty asshole who sucked and I want to get right to the good parts.

If you want empathy, go listen to podcasts with better people on them. No, no, if you want empathy for rapists, you go listen to podcasts with worse people. And in that vein, Mike Tyson was on Joe Rogan. There you go. And he's asked me on the show people. He's asked, we keep saying no. He's asked me on the show people. He's asked, we keep saying no. He's saying no. He says, please, and we say no. No. Anyways, in 2008, Nicholas enrolled it's in Claire Community College,

where he promptly sexually assaulted a fellow student. See, aren't you glad we didn't waste any time on his childhood? Anyway, he was convicted of public indecency and sexual imposition for the incident and was required to register as a sex offender. Now, I know what you're thinking. Eli, I sure am glad you skipped right to this hilarious sexual assault.

My goodness, there are just too many jokes for your companions to write, but I promise this is where it starts to get funny because Nick has never committed a crime that he didn't try to cover up in the dumbest way possible. And this first 2008 conviction is no exception. Okay, so he sets up a press conference at the four seasons. That's really a good question. Yeah.

Pretty close. He's a second-standers way. Well, pretty close. So in 2011, he filed a motion for a retrial based on a myspace post by his victim admitting that she had made the whole thing up. However, and I'm quoting Wikipedia here, quote, at an evidentiary hearing on February 28, of 2011, a computer forensic expert testified with 90% accuracy that the post had been altered

or fabricated entirely. The motion for retrial was dismissed by the reviewing judge and quote, this poor forensics expert in 2011, thinking check in a my space image is the height of absurdity. This is not the future you deserve little buddy. This is not it, man. No, it's not. No, it's not. But there's more stupid. I promise again, Wikipedia doing the heavy lifting for me here. Quote, in April of 2013 he tried to sue Cynclair Community College, Dayton Municipal Court, and multiple others in the Southern Ohio United States District Court for making serious life altering false accusations and claimed he was deprived of

a jury trial. That suit was dismissed by Judge Thomas M. Rose on August 12th of 2013 because, you know, he wasn't. Right. Private jury. He's like, they're like, sorry, Nick, every time we got 12 of your peers in a room together, they started raping each other and accidentally set the place on fire. It's only so much we can do here with the jury. Hey, but there's more again, quote, Aliverdian also sued his victim.

Oh my God. Using her of libel as she had described him as crazy during the trial. Aliverdian's claim, like his personhood, was found to be without merit. But side note, during this time he wrote an essay called My Personal 9-11, in which he not only named and blamed his victim, but he compared her actions against him to September 11th saying, quote, her acts are tantamount to flying planes into the twin pillars of personal success and public service. What?

My goals and aspirations crumbled to the earth, amassing a huge heap of rubble and real quote. Okay, well, it's really just the New York City part of Nine Leaves. Thank you guys. It was pretty bad. And the Pentagon of my soul. A fun fact. Nick's essay was picked up by men's rights activists, where he thereafter served as a brief figurehead. A fun fact.

He signed the essay Rosa Parks. Yeah. Rosa. Challenger Parks. Yeah. So Nick briefly studied comparative literature in an extension program class offered by Harvard University, but in 2012 he was administratively withdrawn from the course when the University learned of his sex offender status.

This however did not stop Nick from listing himself as a quote Harvard scholar, political drawn from the course when the university learned of his sex offender status. This, however, did not stop Nick from listing himself as a, quote, Harvard scholar, political scientist and sociologist on his resume for years afterwards. Also, skills include sex with a woman that one time, yes, I did. And finding your card inside element is your card? Okay, okay, Heath, I don't want to start a president calling out the SAS non-air. Continue. Thank you. So Nick spent the following years raping and abusing people, none of which is funny, so

I won't give you the details, but it's worth pointing out that Wikipedia lists no less than two X-wimes, three restraining orders and five separate rape accusations against him, one of which we'll talk about a bit later. But by the end of 2019, the jig was truly up. Nick learned that the FBI was investigating him for fraud. According to his stepmom, he had taken out 22 credit cards in her name and run up a debt of over $200,000. And then he wrote an essay about it and he called it his own personal 2008 global financial

crisis. Colin the Holocaust of interest. Oh, it was a Holocaust. No other word could describe what happened in the Bravo. No, no, no. Jesus. So, but, but the guys gather up different types of sexual assault accusations like he's trying to fill in the 12 days of Christmas song,

but credit card for right. That's where we drew the line. Jesus. Yeah. Barbie was right. Man, she sure was. So coincidentally in January of 2020, Nick reported that he'd been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma.

Aw. And when I say Nick reported, I mean, he put out press releases to dozens of news agencies. The Providence Journal later stated that Nick, quote, insisted that they report his illness. Later, a person claiming to be Aliverian's widow, pin in her, stated that his illness had lasted for months and included heart disease and heart attacks. Okay, clearly just a liar hearing a time bit of silence after the lie and panicking, and like, yeah, he had cancer, it was cancer. after the lie and panicking, and like, yeah, he had cancer, it was cancer. And fucking heart bad heart attacks to just reading the side of the cigarette box and if the Zima low birth, the heart attacks were like a jetliner into the pentagon

of my heart. 9-11 again. Yes, according to his obituary, Nick succumbed to the disease on February 29th of 2020. The person claiming to be his widow said that aliverian would be cremated and his remains scattered and see. She refused to provide copies of aliverian's death certificate to the Providence Journal. What a my space status about its suffice. He knows. He's dead and he's cremated and then his ashes, they got hurled into the ocean. And also he has a twin brother, but no one ever mentioned him.

But if you see him, that's not Nicholas. That is the twin, but his middle name is Nicholas, but in case the response, if you call out, is it hot in here? Is everybody as hot as the rest of the world, almost immediately called bullshit. Nick's biological mother approaches stepmom in July of 2020, asking her to look into Nick's death, including, I shit you not, that the only person who could have written a nobituary

as admiring and complementary of Nick was Nick himself. She's like, look, look, I call my son masturbating several times. I could tell who wrote this. I know who wrote this. You actually wrote another essay called My Personal 9-11 about that incident. It was really tough. Slavery.

It was really tough. Slavery. It was slavery. Wikipedia even got in on the action. Side note, I don't know if you know this, but there are entire blogs dedicated to discrediting Wikipedia. They're mostly run by like right wing loons in the desperate hope of winning a fight with their niece at Thanksgiving, but they do occasionally catch a real thing by accident. So in late 2020, about a half a year after Nick's death, one of these websites, Wiki Idiocracy, get it?

Oh, that's wonderful. Stupid over there. Anyways, that blog noted that multiple Wikipedia accounts created by Alivertian had edited the Wikipedia page after the date of his purported death, and that one of those accounts had tried to remove the image of Nick and replace it with an image of a different person. Yeah, the person's Osama bin Laden. Also purportedly buried at sea.

Oh, no. 1911 again. No, it's all coming together. Remember how I put a pin index so-called widow? Well, let's pull that pin out. Again, I'm going to quote from Wikipedia here. On February 1st of 2021, the Providence Journal published a follow-up of their investigative report of January 27th, 2021, stating that they had received a rambling, often incoherent nine-page email from someone stating there were Alliverians widow. The email-leveled criticisms against several parties, such as the victim of his sexual

offense, the police officer who took the sex events case, the judge who overstepped and Alliverians' former foster parents. They also reported that several months after Californians reported death, father Bernard Easley, a priest at our Lady of Mercy Church in each Greenwich, received a request for a funeral mass from a woman claiming to be Californians widow. Shortly after arrangements were made, father Hewley was contacted by state police detective Conor O'Donnell, who requested cancellation of the mass stating that aliverian was alive had faked his own death

and was a huge adiv from justice. That's amazing. Father Healy, later described the woman he spoke to as sounding like TV character, Hyacinth Bucket, with a very high pitched English woman's accent. Oh my God, it was it. He was advised by the police that the caller was almost certainly

aliverian using a voice to discuss her. Yeah, I just got out the phone with a Mrs. Doubtfire. Says he was a really great guy. Says he was awesome. I just love imagining him trying out different terrible fake noises in his own mirror until he got like just the right one. Like, hmm, some calls of a Nicholas.

I call them a dead man. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. Racism. No, okay. Oh, hello. Nicholas needs a funeral pit pit. Yep, that's the one. Nails can all. Exactly. And that is where the investigation ended. That is until just last year when a global pandemic would deliver Nick to justice and into comedy history for his own personal global pandemic.

Kill him. So sad. All right. Well, we'll find out how that goes. After a quick break or some op-op of nothing. You wanted to see me, Dean? Yeah, Nick, come on in. Sure. Nick, look, there's no easy way to talk about this, but we've heard some truly discouraging

accusations, and we're just going to have to expel you from the school. I see. Sir, I understand, but before you make your decision, can I ask you to look at something? Sure, but Nick, this is a post-it note that says, Nuh-uh, on it. Pretty powerful stuff, I know. All right, well, I have algebra, so I'll just... No, no, no, Nick. This is nothing. You're still kicked out of school. I mean, look, Professor, I don't want to have to bring up

my medical condition, let alone yours. But I will if I have to. What are you talking about? Well, you see, Professor, I am rubber. And I know for a fact that you happen to be glue. So whatever you say, you're just embarrassing yourself, okay? Smoke bomb.

Pfft. Not, there's not a smoke bomb, Nick. That is a wolf popper and it didn't go off and I can still see you. You can't. You guys said you wanted to see me about some? Yeah, Cecil, monon. And have a seat. What? Why are you guys sitting in the same chair? We couldn't agree who the boss was and so this is our compromise.

Weird. Anyway, what's up? So it's come to our attention that um... Oh yeah, there's no easy way to say this um That you are a big phony big fat phony. Yes. Well, okay. Wait. What why well as you know Ethan I were under the impression that you had food omancy powers, but Recently, it's come to our attention that anyone can cook a delicious meal right at home with Hello Fresh.

What's Hello Fresh? Oh, we got him. We got him. We got him. No tab on this, man. Cheat everybody. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Cecil, one point, with Hello Fresh, you get farm fresh, proportioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh to make home cooking easy, fun, and affordable.

That's why it's America's number one meal kit. And with Hello Fresh, proportioned ingredients help cut down on food waste while they're step-by-step instructions make cooking a breeze instead of a chore. So no more sending us out on your little errands, Cecil. I asked you guys to pick up carrots one time. And, you need dinner fast. Don't call for delivery. Think, hello, fresh.

Their fast and fresh recipes are ready in just 15 minutes or less. Plus, hello, fresh is 25% cheaper than takeout. No waiting hours for your soufflé is to ripen with four whatever they do. It's true. Hello fresh sent us a box to try when they became a sponsor.

And as a dad on the go, I love how the bags unpack into the fridge and set. That's why I, Tom Curry, personally endorse hello fresh with my life. Tom, you don't have to add with my life in the personal endorsement that's not. Well, I do. Okay. Okay.

My life noted. So go to HelloFresh.com slash citation 50. Use the code citation 50 for 50% off plus free shipping. Yes, go to HelloFresh.com slash citation 50 and use code citation 50 for 50% off plus free shipping Guys hello fresh sounds great, but I never told you I had food. Oh, man see powers You just never pay attention when I talk about cooking. What's he saying? I don't know. I wasn't listening. It's probably apologizing to us or something like that. Oh, we forgive you see Yeah, it's all good, buddy. We forgive you.

I hate you guys. Move over. You move over. You move over. You're hanging on my leg area. You're just draped over it. You are. And we're back. And we left off, we were promised self-inflicted justice. So let's have it, I guess. You like? All right.

Yeah. So first, some quick clarifications as to the actual timeline. It appears Nick moved to Ireland in 2019. And from there, he traveled to South Bristol, England, where he met his current wife Miranda Knight, more on her later. Nick told Miranda he was from Dublin and was working in online marketing and public relations, which to be fair, he was in the most Nick Wayne positive, but a ridiculous accent for like two years while he was meeting

this. Oh, and she's pretty and she didn't know he had a fake, yes, an accent. She did not know. So according to the Sunday mail, after faking his death, Nick posed as a marketing experts in order to defraud Canadian businesswoman and vegan lifestyle personality, not see Ica antipas of $40,000. He accepted her employment and a salary of $100,000 a year. But after failing to produce anything at his job, Antipas fired him at which point Nick sent her near constant abuse and threats, and when that failed,

posted lies about her online that were very clearly written by him. And then Elon Musk replied right underneath and just said, concerning. In 2021, Nicki Miranda moved to Glasgow, Scotland, perhaps in preparation for his eventual occupancy and help. There, he assumed the name are Thurne Knight. Thir night. You know, because England, sterling, pound, no, James Bond, box. Yeah. Not to be clear, I at least four fits of this podcast do know that

Scotland and England are different places. I just wanted to clarify that. Hey, look, I don't want to step on any jokes you guys might be about to make, but a notebook of Nicholas's was eventually presented in court with the other names he decided against. They include, I am not making any of this up, I had to put the fucking picture in the notes. Charles King's Robert Collins. Amazing.

Benjamin B. Benjamin B. And my favorite, Warwick Castle. That's so good. Benjamin Bueh and my favorite Warwick Castle First name Duke middle name of last name York Guys, guys this list has Adrian wall The stupid the stupid managed to loop back around to genius Yes, so good in the best one by far. That's so good. The stupid managed to loop back around to genius. Yes.

So good. That would have been the best one by far. That's fucking 100%. Okay, looking at this list, I would literally pay any amount of money to hear what made him cross all. I was so ready. Yeah. Yeah.

He crossed on Adrian Wall and he was like, too clever? No. Arthur and I wouldn't believe me. Okay. Anyway, are there claim to neighbors to be a professor teaching at the nearby University of Glasgow? He used an English accent or on that in a moment, sported blonde hair and a blonde, not so stylist, mustache.

It is also worth pointing out that for someone on the run, Nick did a terrible job of hiding his identity. Before he was arrested, Nick was already known to his neighbors for his political rants and violent outbursts. He'd even started a podcast. Yeah, nice. Okay. I got to stick with the blog at that point. Yeah, you think now as Eli would be happy to explain, he'd brilliant accent work is wasted on a blog. So. Thank you. Yeah.

We don't talk enough about the upsides of Covins. A bunch of racists died. Looks like we'll have a cancer vaccine by the end of the decade. And without it, Nick may never have been caught. But on December 13th of 2021, Aliverian was arrested at Queen Elizabeth University Hospital. He was, at the time, receiving treatment for COVID-19 under the name Arthur Knight. But Nick treated everyone at the hospital so badly, screaming at and threatening staff, that they started to suspect he was not, in fact, the religious education teacher he claimed to be.

Nick was identified by the observation of his very distinct tattoos, which matched police records, though scarring on one of his arms suggested, Aliverity and Head have heartedly tried to remove one of the tattoos. But I meant, you draw a blonde mustache and glasses on all your tattoos. must-dash and glasses on all your tattoos. I looked up as tattoos, by the way. So, sir, do you have a homoerotic angel posing naked under a huge anchor tattoo? Oh, no, no, no. I have a homoerotic angel posing naked

under a huge anchor with an axe. Oh, great. I'm Arthur. Nice. Different. Yeah, spoilers. Another quote Arthur. Nice. Different. Yeah. Spoilers.

Uh, another quote from Wikipedia here. On December 23, 2021, he participated in a bail hearing by video link from the hospital. According to prosecutor Jennifer Johnson, the court expected him to remain in the hospital for weeks due to his illness, but Aliverian left the hospital the day after he made bail. Nick tried to avoid trial a few more times, but his antics actually earned him more press than I think he was counting on. Dateline NBC did a piece on him,

which he and his wife actually sat down for an interview in, and that's where quite a bit of the world was introduced to his story. And his fake British accent that you might remember I put a pin in earlier. Well, let's pull that pin out because you're in for a real treat. Here's a clip from that interview. What do you say to someone who believes that you are Nicholas Eleverian?

I am the Andrea. I am not. This is a really good one. I do not know how to make this. What do you say to people who say these are crocodile tears? He's putting on a show. This is all an act. Oh, Eka. It's closed. It's closed.

It's closed. That's a right, low, low. Oh, right, low, low. Standing. Standing. Standing. Oh, I love low Standing You might as well be just listing every single contrast word from British English to American English on purpose is like privacy Maths is a subject that I know that school color. I said that with a you just now just so everybody knows. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Woo, wood. And the American put his oxygen in the boot of his lorry. Okay. Okay. Close. That's my favorite.

We haven't gotten to this yet, but like you can't, you can tell from the fucking clip. He's got an oxygen mess that he clearly doesn't need and isn't used to, right? So he's goping down this oxygen as he fake cries surfing the edge of hyperpoxia. He's about to write the book of Mormon by accident. Yeah. Also worth noting that during that same interview to prove he can't stand up more on that later. Arthur stands up and then accidentally flops back down into his wheelchair. It's eminently memeable. It's a flounces like a little kid throwing a tantrum and it is the greatest thing I've ever seen. It's like he was trying to draw a yellow card and a penalty kick from himself.

He looks like he's trying to start the wave by himself at a stadium and very quickly getting a barist by. Also with the mask and the ridiculous voice, it seems like like Bane trying to sue Batman from hospice in this real sad movie. Yeah, it's the best. So that brings us to Nick's extradition hearing, the reason for this episode. An event so filled with shenanigans that as I followed it, I knew in my heart that I would be doing this show.

Nay, the world of disservice if I did not retell the tale. So let's begin. Day one of the hearing got off to a bad start when Nick arrived to court in what were very clearly judge his role. What? But Nick explained he'd converted to orthodox Judaism in prison. And the Halloween adventure, Judge Costume was his formal religious dress.

And not in a typical, the trial again. I'm the judge now. He got, he fucked up, he got the sexy Judge Costume with the exposed mid-riff. It was, we'll keep him stay. Okay, but Cecil, everyone at every trial should be forced to wear a different spirit Halloween

costume every day, just a live and thing. You and the Canadian Supreme Court, let me tell you. Exactly. So Nick was represented by defense attorney Mungo Bovi, the lawyer whose name is silly enough to not be damaged by being a guy with the case and mongo opened the trial by moving for dismissal based on the fact that Arthur night is wanted for questioning in a rape trial down in england but the judge rejected that argument since that rape trial hasn't begun yet. Nick argued that he was never served several crucial national crime agency documents, which

are kind of like the English version of Miranda rights, but the police constable who served Nick, the documents testified immediately that he had, that Nick had refused to take him, then refused to sign them, then refused to sign the receipt when he was given them anyway, at which point Nick argued in court that it was his word against the constables. Oh, you spelled your name in lower case and you think that's an impassant? That's nothing. That's nothing. We're moving on with the trial.

On day two, Mungo argued the trial should be dismissed because Nick wasn't brought before the sheriff in sufficient time and was not processed in his arrest at a police station at which point the court reminded him that his client had been arrested and processed at the hospital because he was in the hospital. Is that not based? I thought we said hospitals were safe. I was touching. He showed up four hours late today too, because the prison van couldn't accommodate his electric wheelchair.

When he finally did make it in, Mongo asked that the courtroom be sealed from the press as the trial violated his privacy. But the judge again said no. And then he spends an hour purposely losing control of the wheelchair and bouncing it off everyone's legs as he tries to get to the stand in a sexy pirate costume. Exactly. It is much better. Day two wrapped up with what I have to admit is the only good argument Mongo made throughout the entire proceeding, which is that prison conditions in the United States are terrible and that Nick couldn't receive proper medical care there, which to be fair is true, but that's true of rapists and non-rapists alike.

So no dice. No, you don't have to be a prison for that. Exactly. Yeah. So day three is really important. Day three started with the testimony from prison doctor Moonfile who testified that the wheelchair and oxygen mask Nick insists on using our both fate.

How does she know? If you're, if you're doctor Moonfile, you're gonna go by your first name I guess when you're on car. I don't wanna have a normal fucking name in this story because they're at the trial of Nicholas Aliverity and that's why Dr. Spachem and like, oh, space man, like it's too much.

So how does she know Nick doesn't need his wheelchair? Well, she presented CCTV footage of Arthur getting out of his wheelchair, kicking open a prison door and kicking a prison guard in the face. That's how. Jesus. And as you can see, this is him walking out of the police station and the limp goes away. kicking a prison guard in the face. That's how. And as you can see, this is him walking out of the police station and the limp goes away. Look, right there.

As to the oxygen mask, no, I already kind of spoiled this one, but Nick's blood oxygen levels are normal without it. And the mask he wears is actually a nebulizer mask, not an oxygen mask. Here is a lie thought he was going to use a snorkel and then he thought that he's like, now, something else. You're on the other thing. Hey, day four, sexy. Oh, never cost. Mix it up.

Now, day four began with Nick testifying that he was too sick for transport, claiming that he was too ill even to lift his arms. In response, the judge pointed out that there are, in fact, several photos from the trial of him lifting his arms, waving to press and even lifting himself from his wheelchair. Okay, does anybody have any questions? Yes, Nick, you raised your hand. Does he literally, yes, Steve? That's a joke, but literally, yes, stupid.

I'm running and doing car nails. Tom. But also, when the fuck do you need to lift your arms to stand trial? Right? Like if they have to swear you in the mail, if you could just hold one of a month for you, I think, you know, we'd be happy to do it. He keeps dropping it like WWE, the test to see if they still. Nick also attempted to refute the testimony of the doctor from the day before arguing that if you didn't need the wheelchair, why was he paying an inmate inside prison, two pounds fifty a week to push him around in one?

When opposing council pointed out that pretty much everything Nick was saying was a lie, he claimed, again, real quote, I am considering going to America just to prove I am not Nicholas Rossi at which point the court had to instruct Arthur that He is in fact Nicholas Alliverian and that this trial wasn't about that at which point Nick explained that the nurses at the hospital Had tattooed him while he was asleep and the reason that his fingerprints matched Was that they had been switched at the police station in order to frame him. Come on. Switch. He's like, you're on a see there is this thing called freaky Friday

where one mind transfers to another body. I'm Lindsay. At one point, he was asked about his terrible accent on this day. And this is when he claimed to be an Irish orphan who had moved to England as a teen, which is why his accent sounds fake. And like neither of us countryends when the court said, oh really? What are the name of your parents? He said he didn't know, but, and I shit you not, it's actually what he said, Oh, really? What are the name of your parents? He said he didn't know,

but, and I shit you nuts, actually what he said in court, he knows who has the names written down on a piece of paper, and if the court will let him go to Ireland, he will go get it. Oh, I will tell you their names, but first you have to close your eyes and count to 50. I'm going to talk to George the next day.

Yeah, the dog ate my parents. So mistrived. Yes, that's the I rule. I get a 4.0 for the whole. Yeah, at the start of day five, Nick's attorney tried to rest his case, but Nick insisted that he had more witnesses to call and tried to fire him. Now, it's worth noting that earlier trying to get out of his trial shenanigans, are there actually successfully delayed his trial several times with this tactic? In fact,

Mungo is Nick's ninth defense attorney to date. What? And if you're thinking, well, he sounds expensive, it is. The Guardian has done the math, and so far Scotland has spent just over 40,000 pounds defending Nick in this case. Jesus. But the fire my lawyer stick did not work from this time because Mungo just relented and was like, okay, you can call your surprise witness, which was a friend he made in prison, William King, who was convicted of molesting three children. Okay, but, but good thing that he didn't pick the name Charles King off his list or he'd look really exactly right side.

So King testified that people aren't very nice to Nick in prison and that both prison nurses and guards have told Nick that he doesn't need his wheelchair or his oxygen. The court pointed out that King was not an expert and was not allowed to lie about Nick's medical condition for him. And eventually the court just ended his testimony when he kept doing that. So wait, Nick called a witness who testified under oath in Nick's defense that nobody else believed Nick's stupid shit either. Exactly. So that was over. And Mungo was like, cool, are we done now? Can we do the rest of the trial?

And that's when Nick started having a heart attack. No, he didn't. Oh, Jesus. But the courtroom was cleared while they checked and by the time they got everyone back together, court was adjourned. And they go back to check on him. He somehow like wedged himself and his electric wheelchair in an open window in his legs and wheels just sticking out, spinning around in different directions. Yes. And then finally, on August 2nd, just days before this recording, it was ruled that Nick is coming home. Though Nick appeared by video chat and claimed to have had a stroke in between the trial days, the judge was undeterred. As of this record, his extradition only waits for the

seal of approval from the Minister of Justice and then his US shenanigans and trial begin. And I for one cannot wait for part two. Fantastic. And if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be? Get arrested in Scotland. Those idiots will take forever to send you back. Right? And are you ready for the quits? Oh, I'm ready. All right, so I've got one for you here. You're like, what will Nick's next lie to avoid extradition be?

A, scurvy, B, a brief to the court explaining that they can't see him if he holds perfectly still. C, a brief to the explains that in order to reach the cell door, he'd first have to reach the halfway point. And from there, there'll be a new halfway point from there another Settle on making the distance impossible to traverse. Oh good or D He actually died in 9-11 Okay, I didn't include this in the essay, but one of Nick's lies is that he was in the British 9-11 that he was on the subway train that got pumped

is that he was in the British 9-11 that he was on the subway train that got pumped. Oh my God, just a phone call. They took my ass. Yeah, I told you to sing. So I'm going to go with D. I'm going to go with D because he pretty much did say he died in 9-11. I know you're right. Yeah, he did. All right, Eli.

What other very British fake names did not make the time? A. Roman baths B Roger Stonehenge C Elton Towers D Chester Zoo or E Royal Shakespeare theater. I'm going to go with E Royal Shakespeare theater. Absolutely correct. Absolutely correct. All right, Eli Nicholas, Eleveridian, Arthur Knight, whatever name you want to go by.

He is coming to the US and with a track record of extreme narrative bullshit. So what will his next move be? Hey, not suing us for this episode, since he won't admit he's alive. Bring it, fucker or B, Not suing us for this episode since he won't admit he's alive. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha but Noah wins anyway. Yay! I feel like Cecil won, but one way or the other, I wanted to say from Tom. All right. Okay, well, for Cecil Noah, Eli and Tom, I'm Heath.

Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week, and Tom will be an expert on something else. You can do it now and then, you can check out cognitivediscinants, thoughtful movies, skating atheists, SkeppyCraft, and D&D Minus. And if you'd like to join the ranks

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listen to past episodes, connect with us on social media, or take a look at show notes, check out citation pod.com All right good record everybody All right, so Tom and I are going for beef talent you guys want to come? Yeah, that's for yeah, I'm good. I'm gonna hang out in the studio for the loss first one of the car gets to know the bones first what no no Hey Cecil you want to hang. What? No, no. Hey, Cecil, you wanna hang out tomorrow? No, dang job.

Hey, that's right. You know what, Eli? Sure. Why don't we try that vegan brunch place you're always talking about? You mean it? Yeah, why not? Oh my gosh.

So are you gonna go? Nope, but I do feel better. Nice. Hey, mom, guess what happened?