Citation Needed - Old West Gunfights

Episode Date: August 14, 2019

Gunslinger /ˈɡʌnslɪŋər/ and gunfighter are words used historically to refer to men in the American Old West who had gained a reputation of being dangerous with a gun and had participated in gunfights and shootouts. Gunman was a more common term used for these individuals in the 19th century. Today, the term "gunslinger" is more or less used to denote someone who is quick on the draw with a pistol, but can also refer to riflemen and shotgun messengers. The gunfighter is also one of the most popular characters in the Western genrea nd has appeared in associated films, video games, and literature.    

But I think that's what Kant is getting at. The universal law thing? Had a girl comparative? Yeah, you should act as if every action were universal law. That's the- How do you partner? I'm your Huckleberry. Oh, motherfucker, ow, ow, I shot myself.

Oh my god. So you're basically saying that you choose something that's right over something that feels good. Oh, that stinks. It's, oh, it's bleeding so much. feels good. Oh, that stinks. Oh, it's bleeding so much. I'm gonna need some help here. I mean, unless the thing that feels good is also the universal law.

Right? I'm gonna put the gun away. Oh, they're fucker. Did it again. Other arm too. Are you gonna see in this? It's like the cross-fount most. I mean, he does say that you really can't even claim that it's more if you act in your own

Interest since you know you can't separate the motivations at that It was in the holster that time. Oh someone take it away. Just take it away so there's no more. There's just blood Everywhere okay, where does he say that though? I don't I was looking through everywhere I think I had a vein or maybe a artery Artory I probably an artery. Yeah, he says it in the metaphysics of morons I got a revert. Oh right. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, here they are found my keys found them Cool, so you guys want to chat more about this over lunch? You want to get some lunch? Liprit. Yeah, lunch sounds great Yeah, let's get some lunch. Can't pull myself up on the chair.

Guys? Okay. Hello and welcome to Cytation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject to read a single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Eli Bosnick and I'll be rustling these cattle, but I'm gonna need some cow pokes to get along with a doggy. What? First up, two men whose quick draw

has been a blessing and a curse, Geath and Toss. Okay, it's because why it earth is so pretty, it's a compliment. It's an attractive cowboy. It's a compliment. Okay, let's be real here. No one that has ever seen me with my pants off

has thought, gee, I hope I get some more time looking at that. So. That proves So two votes, that's fair. Close your eyes, get right in there. And also joining us tonight. Two guys who were firsthand witnesses to tonight's subject, Cecil and Noah. Noah and my first podcast was on a wax cylinder. All right, Eli, just keep drilling down on the whole I'm old bit. It makes it so much more satisfying when people ask me if you're my dad. Okay, that was 13 people. 13 people. Now, before we mosey on down the range today, we'd like to take a minute to thank our patrons.

By pledging as little as a dollar over at patreon.com slash citation pod you keep us in beans and bullets and we can't thank you enough If you like to learn how to join their ranks be sure to stick around till the end of the show and with that out of the way Tell us Tom what person place thing concept phenomenon or event what we be talking about today today We'll be rooting in toton for some fresh and fruity old west gun fights Or maybe pancake now I I want pancakes, yeah. I'm gonna come and make pancakes. I'm gonna come and make pancakes too. I hops the best.

Free pancake votes. When do you like a one pancakes, Tom? And Cecil, you found another kind of old time you finding to get excited about. Are you ready to shoot your load? I've been shooting blagues for years. Visektomies are amazing. I'm gonna say that right now.

Tell me about it. I reversed one as a prank recently. It's gonna be great. Anyway, about it. I reversed one as a prank recently. It's going to be great. Anyway, so much. Where are you pranking? Who was? Old West gun fights or whatever.

What are ghost fakes? Let's go. Ghost to cust. Okay. That's enough. That's enough. That's enough. So this is going to be several articles mixed into one show.

All of these are amazing, but they're all just a little too short to do a single episode, so I decided to tie them all together. And I also left out all the really famous ones and famous gunfighters. So let's start out with the Frisco shootout. All right, so there's this garlic festival, right?

Oh no. Oh no. Oh, no. Oh. And then 30 to 50 feral hogs got loose over the course of it. We've got five minutes, started attacking all the kids. Oh, wait, I'm listening. Where do I drop the kids off again? I heard about that.

So our story starts with our hero, El Fego Baca. He was born in New Mexico and moved to a small town called Middle San Francisco Plaza. Wait a minute, the town was called Plaza? It was the Plaza in the town. Okay. I know, sorry. The town was still in New Mexico and today it goes by the very ghost town name

of Reserve New Mexico. Baca had dreams of becoming a lawman. Quote from Wikipedia here, his goal in life was to be a peace officer. He wanted, he said, the outlaws to hear my steps a block away. That's the best. He's just like wearing tap shoes.

Come on, guys, you hear me. You hear that now. Jefferson tap shoes are adorable. Yeah. Just flapping along. Ciao long. Southwestern, uh, the continuing the quote, Southwestern, New Mexico at the time was still relatively sparsely settled cattle ranching country.

Cowboys roamed the land and did as they please. They might come into a town, drink at the saloon, harass the locals, and then shoot up the town out of boredom. Baka met Tepp, put an end to that end quote. Yeah, the problem, it's those saloon doors. They're way too dourish. You know what I mean? You just say, hey they're Mexicans. Oh, thumbs up orphan. Oh, he's like a little orphan. A bunch of thumbs up. Come on, everybody.

He's a poor person. Yeah, Jesus. He signed your tits. Smile, Monia. Smile while you're holding that orphan. So at age of 19, Baka gets to live his dream and he becomes deputy sheriff. Right, and then from there it was just a matter of figuring

out how the dinosaurs made those little water ripples when they stormed. That was on the fucking way. So this whole thing starts when Baka sees a cowboy drunken disorderly and decides to rest him. The culprit was Charlie McCarty, and he was, I guess, super drunk and shooting his gun off in a saloon,

so normal everyday stuff in the South. The saloon owner, calls Baka, and he arrives. After showing his badge, he either arrests three local Hispanics, or he gets the help of three local Hispanics. I'm not sure, and the several articles on this conflict. In any case, there was an of three local Hispanics. I'm not sure and the several articles on this conflict. In any case, there was an abundance of local Hispanics. He arrests Charlie.

We just call them locals. That would also be fun. It's just, that's one of the comments on the Wikipedia. You mean people, Dave? It's so bad. So he arrests Charlie, taking Charlie's guns away and putting him in a makeshift jailhouse. Cool. Yeah. Fun fact, this was actually the first Walmart, you know? Yeah. Macardi was connected though. He had ties to the John B slaughter ranch, and this

was a group of people you did not want to mess with. So this group of cowboys mobilized. Several of them came to the jail to force Baca to release their compatriot. It's not clear, but about a dozen of these cowboys show up outside the house slash jail and start banging on the door. The leader of the group was a foreman of the ranch named Young Parham. And he stayed on his horse on the street. It's a dumb name. Yeah, it is a dumb name. It's a dumb name. a ranch named Young Parham. And he stayed on his horse on the street. That's a dumb name.

Yeah, that is a dumb name. Yeah, very dumb name. Well, once he, once he has about 30, right? Yeah. So Baka wasn't having any of this shit and he told him to leave or he was gonna start shooting at the count of three. So what are the cowboys starts making a joke

about how Baka wouldn't be able to count to three. And before he could finish, Baka screamed, what's his three? And he opened fire through, Baka screamed, watch who's right, and he opened fire to the call of the third. Oh yeah, I'm not your sequence, motherfucker's your dad, don't take it.

No. No. Jesus Christ, it's like a super high stakes version of hide and seek. If you gave a five year old the pistol, just watch it. No, she's, you're all done.

The foreman, young param, who established a terrible name, was still on his horse, like I said, and either the horse was spooked or it was shot because it fell on him and crushed him to death. Just kidding. Or it was just looking for an excuse. It was like, you should've seen someone's turn soon.

This motherfucker in his spurs are going, damn. Only the good die young, Haram. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh some quality memes aren't enough to so they go and round up more guys the next day that come back with a lot more and I witness accounts vary they say between 40 and age Jesus now who can't count huh? Us Yeah, I love tough guys who at some point look around the like 10 to 1 odds Check stick size. Now, still do small back tomorrow, Jen.

Back tomorrow. So they surround the small jail house and one brave cowboy, Bert Herne, walks around the back and starts banging on the door. Everybody's got a dumb name. He's name. Bert and Baka, big change words. And Bert orders him out of the jail. Baka refuses.

Bert breaks the door down and Baka shoots him in the stomach and kills him. And then dozens of Cowboys surrounding the jail open fire. He's like, no fair, I was gonna murder you and you. Oh, I should have seen that one coming. That's, yeah, that was on me. That's on you. Now, this sounds like an all-out fight for a while.

The standoff lasts 33 hours. Jesus. In that time, the attackers decide to hang sheets between buildings to mask their movements, and they make improvised incendiary devices and throw them at the jail, and they shoot 4,000 rounds into the outside of the building that Baka was in. I really don't want these idiots breaking me out of jail. Okay, let's just

Shit, yeah, official. Baka during this whole thing is unharmed. He digs a hole in the ground in the center of the jail and he climbs in. And he returns fire, injuring 12 total people and four of them died. Hey, hey, hey, we called no digging trenches. We said that. You can't dig trenches. I'm not. I'm not.

All right, time out to go over the rules again. We said no trenches. Come back out. No, no time out. No time out. No, we said, we said, this is ridiculous. Untie man. Shoot us.

The best part of this is that when they lit the building on fire, they were only able to light the roof because it was like a mud hut. So this is late at night and they decide to wait in the morning thinking that they're gonna come upon a corpse at dawn. They wake up in the morning to smoke, but it's from the wood stove in the house

where bakas hold up and they see him flipping tortillas for breakfast. Yes, I'm gluten free. Guys, what's up? He's like, lock size when he's like, I'm gonna fuck your wife when these tortillas are done. I'm gonna fuck your wife when these are done. Oh, it's amazing. This guy, the fight starts up again and Baka eventually surrenders when another deputy personally guarantees his safety He spends four months in jail, but he's acquitted of all charges

Moral of the story cops have been killing people without consequences for a while To be fair though, I mean he spent more time in jail than that guy who choked a man to death and it's pretty clear here that he was actually defending himself. So let's move out of the next one. The next one's the Dalton Gang and they're very dumb robbery in Kansas. It's known as the Coffeeville Bank robbery. Dalton Gang was a group of outlaws that rob banks and trains in and around Kansas consisted of the Dalton brothers, Emmett, Grot, and Bob.

What the fuck, how did it name his Grot? Jesus. Squidge, squidge. The number 37. As well as Dick Broadwell and Bill Power, I think those guys should flip their names. It should be Bill Broadwell and Dick Power. But anyway, yeah, they committed a bunch of robberies, sticking mostly to trains and banks and eventually decided to rob two banks, one across the street from the other in coffee,

ville, Kansas. So on October 5th, they ride in a town to rob the first national and the CM Condon and and company banks. They're pretty notorious guys, so they went to great measures to protect their identities, they wore fake beards. Yeah, boy Eli shows up for the gang bosses like, dude, we said no using a beard of bees, we were very clear. We just, so it's so much attention you're attracting right now, come on. I'm not boss, I just got sticky,

I was having, you always get sticky. Why we had the conversation. So they go into one of the banks and they ask for all the money and the teller lies to them. He says that he'd love to give them everything and say, but the timer for the safe won't let him open it. He has to wait another 45 minutes and they say, sure, no problem, can I have one of these minutes? And there was no timer for the same. So, what I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall during that 45 minutes. So, you're a bank robber.

Yep. Is that your full time gig? Like just the... Yeah, that's my ass. I just, I don't know how bank robbing pays, so I thought maybe you like... Maybe what? Maybe I sold jewelry on that seat? I didn't, I sorry, I don't know. What now you do now? How much time is left on that day or time?

Um... 44 minutes. Ahhhh. Do you say something? No. Oops. Oh. Oh. By the way, the Beards didn't work. The people recognized, too, they were. But they put Beards over their Beards.

I'd probably put them in the Beards. They just double bearded. They put a smaller beardards over their beard. I'd rather be just double beard. They're being beard over their beard. They put a smaller beard over my bigger beard. It just... Anyway. Made it look 3D. It was really crazy.

People recognized who they were. And also, while they're waiting for their fake timed safe to fake unlock, the word got out that they're robbing the bank. Hey, just one more quick question. Why do you guys open the bank before the timer's done? That seems weird. Shift meeting, shift meeting, shift meeting. I'm gonna, I've just you.

Gotta do roll ups. You do roll ups at the shift meeting by yourself. Yeah, yeah, it's fun. Cut lemons. Maybe don't open the doors yet. So the townspeople not wanting the bank to lose money, I guess, surround the bank? Yeah, the FTIC was still a long ways off.

I got it. You know what? When I wrote that out, I totally forgot the FTIC was created in like the depression. Yeah. So I'm writing that thinking, what the fuck do they care? And then I realized, no, it's actually their money. Yeah.

That's new shit. These are the great grandfather's with the people who love their health insurance companies. We found them. Yeah. Yeah. So the gag runs out into the street, not sure if they did.

So after the time around the safe supposedly went off or they just saw people massing outside, but they run right into gunfire. Three towns people are immediately splatted in the gunfight. The Marshall hears the commotion and I guess he missed the massing of the makeshift militia a few minutes before. Yeah. He comes running up and shooting.

He does kill a member of the gang but dies in the process. The Dalton gang scatters. Some try to run out the front of the bank. So I'm trying to run out the back, but it doesn't matter. They all get shot up and every one of them die in the street. The fucking day that would be me, like 20 minutes late to work.

One fucking day this week, and of course there's a fucking gun fight. You're just like, okay, hang on, we'll just squeeze off a couple around and a fuck. I'm dead. I'm dead, you should have stayed home. I'm gonna just call the... I'm gonna slap the... So they all were'm gonna just call the... Gonna slap him.

So they all were killed in the street except Emmett Dalton. Emmett is shot 23 times. He was shot through the right arm, below the shoulder, through the left right in some accounts hip and groin, and received 18 to 23 buck shot in his back, end quote. But Jesus lives. I love that somebody saw him like limping away with 22 bullets in him and thought, He received 18 to 23 buckshot in his back, end quote. But Jesus lives.

I love that somebody saw him like limp in a way with 22 bullets in him and thought, you know what, one more in a fucking info. Just gonna do the trick. He's like a cartoon pale of water. Just like the whole thing. He's trying for his crimes and he gets life sentence, but only serves 14 years.

He's let out, becomes a real estate agent in California and writes two books. When the Dalton's Road and beyond the law. In 1918, he portrays himself in the movie version of his first book and a movie was made based on a second book in the 40s. All right, well, these stories have downright inspired me to solve company conflict a different way, so while I lock and load, we'll play a little something we like to call apropos of nothing. I tell you mean Bob, this boy is dead as dirt.

Not wrecking. Oh my god. Hi, Robert, right? Or do you prefer Bob? I think your name thing is Bob, right? Uh, what? Oh my god, I'm so sorry, where are my manners? I'm Teddy, we're dueling.

I'm your, I'm your dual buddy. Whatever that is. Oh. Oh, okay, so like, totally shut me up if I'm over talking, because I am so nervous. This is my first duel. So like, how does, uh, because I, you've been in so many duels, and,

ah, I can't believe it's my first one with you. Anyways, how does all of this like, go? How does it go? Yeah, you know, like to someone say, go, just someone fire a gun. I don't know, I feel like it's weird, right? Like gun gun, right?

It wouldn't that be weird? No. No, no. We just stand apart like this. Okay, got it. And I face this way. Yeah. And then we draw and shoot.

And whoever draws first wins. Oh, got it. What are you doing that hurts out? Did I win? I won! No! We didn't start yet, you fool. Oh, I'm so sorry. When did we start?

Are you okay? Um. I'm fine. We start. Seriously? Ow! Sorry, I'm nervous. I thought you. We start. Seriously? Ow! Sorry, I'm nervous. I thought you said we start. Are you okay?

Oh. You doing great, honey? Oh my god, Mom, you were embarrassing me. Oh, hi, Shyamnant. You brought your mall? I mean, she came. Yeah, I did. Ah, I suppose you'll have someone to mourn you then. Ah, that! See see that is so great dual talk chat. I have the chills. I have the chills right now

Don't don't Okay, I'm obviously gonna handle the start of it gentlemen. Are you ready Jesus? Yes, please now? Who is this right now? He's a dual guy just stand over there. Okay, Well then I suppose you'll have someone to mourn you. Oh Seriously, do you see I did your thing? I did the line. Yes. Yes. You did. You did my god. Okay, gentlemen ready? You ready? Oh god damn it. I didn't say it yet. Sorry. You said ready. So proud of you honey. You look good. Mom the chaps Lightful Honey, you look good. Mom! gonna be amazing. I know, right? We have a Jean-Bene Ramsey Platinum night on Friday. Yeah, and then the two shows on Saturday at the People's Improv Theater.

That's it, one, two, three, East 24th Street. Okay, okay, guys, guys, I'm putting this on the website. It's two shows, right? Right, yeah, it's two shows. Two shows a piece. So, four shows? No, it's two shows with two episodes each. So four episodes. Right, but two shows at venue. So if I get a ticket to the early show, I get two shows.

No, you get two episodes. Okay, fine. So if I get a ticket to the late show, you would get also two episodes. Two different episodes. I'm a little confused right now. I thought I had this. You are confused. I had to put it on the website somehow. So if you buy a ticket to both the early and the late show, how many episodes do you get? Four.

Four different episodes. We have to write four episodes. I gotta go lay down. Do you have four episodes? Well, five actually with Epstein killing himself this week, there's no way Eli is not going to rewrite the John Boney Ramsey one. That's true.

I have a lot of notes. They different. Hello podcast listener. We've got a live show double double header coming up on October 12th in New York City of the People's Improv theater. We're doing two shows and each of them include two brand new episodes of citation needed. That's four new episodes and all. And the platinum packages get your front row seats for all four episodes plus the never-to-be-recorded

John Bonnet Ramsey episode the night before. That's over three hours of citation needed, so check the show notes to the website and get your tickets today. So I'm just gonna put four episodes then, just four, I guess, but only two ticket types. Get four episodes. Oh my fucking god.

I feel like it's a good time to ask this. Can we take a limo there? I would like one with a bar. I like the idea, but Eli,. Oh my fucking god. I feel like it's a good time to ask this. Can we take a limo there? I would like one with a bar. I like the idea. Eli, you don't even drink. What's the... But I've always wanted to strip on a bar. That won't be the first time I've puke in a limo, so...

Yeah, live your dreams. And we're back. Cecil, more cowboy stories. All right, let's move to the next altercation. It's known as the four dead in five seconds gunfight. Dallas Stautomire was a US martial in El Paso, Texas. A great timing on the master colonel Paso segment. Great. I was trying to stay away from current affairs.

Anyway, he's a big sun bitch. He's a six four. He had a quick temper. He took the.s. Marshall shortly after arriving in the city on insistence of his brother-in-law dot comings he would uh... be the sixth town martial in eight months and who chose the city council asked them to take the city jail keys from deputy martial and town drunkard bill johnson and quote bill johnson's just like come at can come get him

come get him, come at him, come at him, come at him. Ah, you're the man, you're the fuck best, you're the best, big guy, big guy. Stop resisting. Okay, guys seriously, we're just gonna let real, the name Doc Cummings just sit out there, nothing just, that's just me, just noticing Doc, okay. All right, you guys are weird.

Doc Cummings, is that like a sex thing doc come on he confronted Bill and asked for the keys Bill's drunk at the time and he waved him off saying he'd get the key so I'm later Dallas was not in the mood to fuck around so he no ship grabbed the dude by his ankle turn him upside down And shut the keys on the pocket. And then he drops Bill on the ground, grabs the keys and walks away, bill at this point, it's pretty pissed and completely humiliated by the whole thing. This was Dallas's first day on the job. Wow.

Just like my first day bartending at TGI Fridays, actually. Yeah. If Pete on. Okay, like, you've peed on a lot. Yeah. Six four is really tall, I get that, but that's not like shake a man like a cartoon baby tall. Was was billing the lollipop guild.

How does that even happen? I think I think back then, not every single American was 250 pounds. I think that's what happened. That makes sense. Yeah. So day three got a little exciting. 75 heavily armed Mexicans ride in a town, and they're probably just got done crossing the border illegally or storming a wall or something.

And they're looking for two of their missing compatriots who were out searching for missing cattle. They come to town armed, asking for help to find the two guys and the cattle. A constable named Gus Crempaco, accompanies them to a local cattle hustler's house, the house owned by Johnny Hale, has some evidence that some foul play was a foot. They discovered the bodies of the two cowboys there. Wait, Jesus. So this constable just has like a go-to house when it comes to dead Mexicans. Oh, that's gonna be Johnny We all had a Just the White House

So after a brief investigation they arrest three people hail and his two compatriots pervy and Fredrick's pervy Pervy still just may have just pervy and doc Cummings are in this Purvy is still just me. I'm just purvy and doc coming, sir, in this story. I'm alone here. I thought I knew you guys. I was with doc. Cropaco served as a translator in the matter and it's decided that the two assailants,

purvy and Fredrick's are charged and then tried later, the group of Mexican satisfied the justice is served, take their dead and head out of town. Stodd amire heads to dinner across the street from the saloon and Constable Kermakao heads to that saloon to pick up his rifle and gun and I have no idea why he just left them there.

What? He's just a giant pile of guns with a little coaster over the top. That's not gonna happen. Back me up. Back. When Kermakao walks in, he gets into a verbal confrontation with a friend of Hales, George Campbell, who accused him of being friends with the Mexicans in lying about the translations.

Hale, who's also drunk and also in the saloon, joins in, grabs his buddies, gun out of the belt, and fires at the constable, hitting him and knocking him backward into the door. Marshall Stautomire, mid-fucking meal at the Globe restaurant across the street, gets up after he hears the shots and runs out of the restaurant and pulls his gun. I need it to go box now. I need it to go box. Oh my god. I'm around to hurry up.

As he's running, guns out across the street an innocent Mexican bystander named Ochoa tried to run for cover and Marshall Stottomire not taking any chance and just kills that guy. Jesus. That's a to be a bystander I guess inside. Hale and his friend here the shots and take cover. Hale and he hide behind some Adobe pillars inside the saloon. Halen's out for a shot and Marshall Dallas, Stottomire, mid-run shoots the guy between the eyes.

Fuck. Then Campbell steps out with his hands up and he says that this wasn't his fight. Well, the Constable wasn't quite sure who it was that shot him and lets off two shots at Campbell and then promptly dies. Campbell's shot in the foot and in the gun. The shot to the gun actually breaks his wrist

and Campbell screams in pain. Marshall Stautamire, who just shot a dude for just standing around, spins and shoots Campbell in the stomach to which Campbell replies, and this is a quote, you big sum bitch, you murdered me. I know. This guy failed miserably at that pop up, like don't shoot the bystanders game.

I know, right? It's like the one at David Buster, so they're just, bam, bam, bam, bam. Sir, I have corners on the mark. I'll tell you in a moment, I don't care. Anyway, cable dies a few minutes later, so that was the end of that fight. I love that it's just a big confusing argument though, right?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, time out. Who's who's on my side? Oh, I think Me, right? Oh, all right then. Well then who are we shooting? Me. Yeah. In and me, I think so. Yep me. You too? No, you just shot at me.

Did I? Oh never mind. I think I'm on your side then too. Mine too? Are you on my side? Yes. Yeah? Alright, alright, time in.

Wait, so we're just all trying to kill the Mexican by standards outside? But this isn't the end of the story, okay? So a few days later, a friend of Hale, James Manning, decided to try to convince the previous Marshall, the town drunk to assassinate Marshall Dallas-Dautomire, that guy who he shook the keys out of Bill Johnson agrees to this and he hides behind a pillar. I guess El Paso's just fucking covered with pillars.

Big enough to hide behind. We need more pillars in our class. We need more pillars in our class. So many, man. Oh no. We need to equip every teacher with a pillar. I think you're right. Anyway, there he is, drunk as shit with a pillar. I think you're right. Anyway, there he is. Drunk is shit with

a double-barreled shotgun waiting for Marshall Stodemire. While Stodemire is walking toward him, he's so drunk, he stumbles backward in the gun discharges in the air, missing Stodemire. Dallas pulled out his pistols and shot eight shots at Johnson. Quote, shooting off his testicles. What the Johnson went to death quickly. I'm quote, not quick enough. What the fuck do you think you're doing? I'm a murder you, you enormous son of a bitch.

You don't have the balls. You want a bet? Oh, okay, I shouldn't have said that. That one's on me. This next one doesn't have its own wiki page or flashy title, but trust me, it's the very best one. This is the story of ex-soldier Jonathan R. Davis. I-this story is a Liam Neeson interview.

It's completely his, man. Absolutely amazing. He has a set of very specialized skills. So not much is known about Jonathan R. Davis before becoming famous in a gunfight. He was an officer in the volunteers of South Carolina in the Mexican American War. He was either an honorary captain or a second lieutenant and he was wounded in the battle of Chura Busco in 1847. Amazing.

Those churros are to die for. So good. I know my Spanish is a little rusty here, but I'm pretty sure that translates to the battle of I'm looking for churros are to die for. So good. I know my Spanish is a little rusty here, but I'm pretty sure that translates to the battle of I'm looking for churros. That sounds like an awesome fucking battle. We should do a whole episode on that. We should travel there.

Or just churros. Yeah, he traveled to California during the gold rush and he was a prospector there in 1854. Davis is walking along a minors trail, which is a northeast of Sacramento and west of Lake Tahoe. He's walking with his companions, Dr. Bolivar Sparks and James McDonald, and then the most international gang in history decides the Bushwackum. The gang consisted of, and this is a quote, a Frenchman, two Americans, two Britons, four Mexicans, and five Australians and quote, and they're part of a gang, get this called the Sydney Ducks.

Fuck you. You're not your gang name. It gives a whole new meaning to slap shot. Yeah. They all look into a bar, the bar manager is like, all right, okay, I'll bite. Good premise, what? What do I say? Sydney Ducks was a gang comprised of,

you guessed it, Australians. I did not. I did not. This gang was so dangerous that the citizens of San Francisco in 1851 decided to start a makeshift crime fighting group. The San Francisco Committee of Vigilance, as a response to the mayhem, the ducks created. As a side note, the committee was 700 people

and, quote, engaged in policing, investigating disreputable boarding houses and vessels, deporting immigrants and parading its militia, end quote. Okay. Like, when is the second thing on your malicious to-do list? You gotta think investigating disreputable boarding houses is just fucking prostitutes, right? Let's only get 700 people to sign up for it, like, yeah.

Right. In any case, several ducks were part of this ambushing group on Davis. The group had already been on a crime spree for the previous two days. They'd killed six Chinese miners on the 17th and four American miners on the 18th. So on the morning of the 19th, they jump out,

probably scream, your money or your life or something, and judging by the fact that they just killed 10 people in the last few days, they were not gonna let Davis and his group choose which one of those. Oh, okay, so you see, so I get you're trying to make them sound like super intimidating for the story, but no matter what you say, they're still the dumb. Yeah.

Yeah. There are no words that are going to make them sound scary. What if they were the mighty fairs? No, that's taking a half-still. That's still them. So a gun battle ensues. Right away, Davis's companions go down. Spark skits off two shots before he's gravely wounded and falls. McDonald

doesn't even draw his weapon and he's killed outright. Davis pulls both his guns and just unleashes on these poor bastards. Within a few seconds, he's firing off rounds and hitting something with each shot. He's standing amidst them drawing fire, but they can't hit him. Fuck, he's got pockets everywhere. We're tying a little Bible's in him. This is a fucking ever shot. After the fight, they'll find several holes in his clothes, six bullet holes in his hat alone.

He's grazed at this point by two shots, but it sounds like they were just scratches. Fuck, did he have a pillar in his pocket, too? Is that there? Was that there? Was that there when we started? We're outside. Okay, it's possible. The bullets all just bounced off

as enormous brass balls, though. Like those were effective. At this point, Davis shoots and either kills outright or gravely wounds seven of the attackers. And since this is the olden times when there's a point you run out of ammunition, the gunfighting stops. The gang at this point's pissed so the three of them took out their bowing knives and came at him. The fourth did the same, but he had no shit, a short sword. Yeah, this

was his moment. He was just like, fuck you guys. I told you this to come in handy not the door you're the door God dammit. Where'd you hide my numb chucks Every group has a sees Davis calmly takes out his own knife and then fucks their shit up first guy He takes out is the cocky motherfucker with the sword. He side steps a swing and guts to do another another guy attacks him And he disarms him. Literally cuts off part of the guy's hand. Oh god. Do drops the knife.

Then Davis takes another swipe at the guy and chops off his nose. The other guys go after Davis and suffer a similar fate. A few minutes later, Davis is just standing there, cleaning off his knife with a mound of dead bodies around him. Dude, what is this? A kung fu movie? Look, guys three and four have nobody to blame, standing there cleaning off his knife with a mounted dead body surround a Monies this a kung fu movie look guys three and four have nobody to blame but themselves they watch Yeah

I'm a witch Like team work ninja Team work of these guys even notice that there was an opposite direction to Run in Just ran into a pillar? Was that there? A hunting party witnessed the whole thing from a nearby hill, and they're running towards Davis as he finishes off the last of the gang.

Davis wasn't sure whose side they were on, and he grabbed his dead friend's gun, branched it to the group, almost killing them too. He quickly realizes they weren't with those guys and they help Davis gather up his dead friends. Good thing he wasn't Marshall Studebate. Yeah. I know, I know. He's looking at Wichst.

He outright killed seven people and four would later die of their wounds. Three of the gang just ran the fuck away. All right. Well, Jesus, Cecil, if you've had to summarize what we've learned today in one sentence, what would it be? The world wasn't demonstrably better when we can open, carry in every state. I'm just saying that. No.

Nope. And are you ready for the quiz? In the immortal words of Jonathan R. Davis, come at me, bro. All right, I got one for you here. Clearly, the four dead in 5 seconds gunfight is the stupidest fucking name possible for a gunfight. That is fair, yeah. And we owe it to future generations to come up with something better.

What should we call it instead? A, the shoot first, shoot more later questions are for nerds gunfight. B, okay, but most of them were bad guys gun fight. The time Gus's dumb ass left his guns in the bar or D citation needed. I was going to say A or B, but that's what they write on every police officer's administrative leave form. So let's go with the Gus. See. It was. It was.

See, okay. A lot of them get acquitted with a citation needed. Yeah. Oh, and cool. Well done, sir. Cecil, I love all of these stories so much. And clearly America needs more guns to keep it interesting. Hey, nope. Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah called the ducks. Make most of their money today. A, they sell quack cocaine.

Ha ha ha. That's so good. Quack cocaine. It's good. B, they send you a bill for their con fee. Con fee. Con fee. Con fee.

Nicely done. Duck thing. Or C, their current president, Mallard Fillmore, has a lot of Flod Gravitas Flod Gravitas is the best pun we've ever done on the show it has to be Flod Gravitas Case closed. That is Incorrect. No, it's correct. You're close. It's correct. You just win because you made the best pun

You were correct about because you made the best pun. That's right, Kevin's anyways. You were cracked about the pun and being the best. I mean, mine weren't puns, but um... Alright, Heath, you win. Who is doing the essay next week? You are. Why? No way! Oh, okay. Alright. We're choice. Well, for season one, Tom and Heath, I'm Eli,

making you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week, and by then, I will be an expert on something else. Dream now, and then you can listen to Tom and Noah's show Two Men One Yelling, where he's on over to YouTube to check out Heath and Cecil's show. I thought you'd look different. And if you'd like to hear the show going, you can make a per episode of Mation at patreon.com slash citation pod or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can.

That really does matter, so please do it. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episode, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citation pod dot com by the brand new citation pod dot com. New and man proved. Proved, yeah, built out of pure will. by the brand new citation pod that new in the room to you built out of pure will and remember

I'm not on the social media anymore one more mom you just said that oh hush I want to show these pictures to your father you are embarrassing in front of my daughter I'm not embarrassing to you I'll tell you when you're embarrassed it's not now I'm embarrassing in front of my daughter.

I'm not embarrassing to you. I'll tell you when you're embarrassed. It's not now.