Citation Needed - Op-Eds by Billionaires

Episode Date: February 12, 2025

Three op-eds by billionaires. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2024/10/28/jeff-bezos-washington-post-trust/ https://about.fb.com/news/2020/02/big-tech-needs-more-regulation/ https://www.ft.com/content/a46cb128-1f74-4621-ab0b-242a76583105

Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Eli Bosnik, and I'll be seasoning the rich, but I'll need a few fellow capitalistic gourmands to share the meal. First up, two men who were ready to eat the rich when I said eat and the, Tom and she. All right, a fancy proposal instead of modest. I like it.

I know we're supposed to take one bite and spit out the rest, so it's more like a tasting than a meal. It's fair. It's fair. Yeah. An omakase, if you will. And also joining us tonight, sweet little rascals that wealth disparity just couldn't nab Noah and Cecil The fact that despair isn't the root word of disparity seems like a missed opportunity That's true little rascals in my town. The treehouse was just the third one. It was one two Before we begin tonight, I'd like to thank our patrons patrons Before we begin tonight, I'd like to thank our patrons. Patrons, capitalism is an economic system specifically designed for the rich to get

richer at the expense of the poor. And being poor sounds gross. So thank you for pointing that out. But it's not just our gratitude, our no-no patrons. Right now, our patrons can already access this week's bonus episode part three of our reading It's like my immortal part three. It's like that's part 26. Yeah It's chapters 29 to 34 whatever That's right, whatever that is in dog years. Yeah

That's right you lucky preps and goffs. Get read. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around till the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us, Noah, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon or event will we be talking about today? Today we are going to be talking about a couple of opinion pieces by billionaires. And Tom, I assume this is your counter to my suggestion of just reading out some addresses on air?

On a related note, their fences are surprisingly not as high as you might expect. That's true. That's true, Tom. Dogs are really easy to drug when it comes to it. It's not like cats. So easy. I have a tray between. So tell me. Just off the puff, nothing. This is fair. So Tom, what did these billionaires have to say

and why did one of you replace all the texts in our Google doc with, sh** is a moral imperative? Well, when you're a billionaire, I think it's important to realize that you own the trolley, the switch, the track that it's set upon, and you are also the reason that there is no breaks. Proceed.

This one comes from the Sunday, February 16th, 2020 financial times. This was written by Mark Zuckerberg and the title is big tech needs more regulation, big switcheroo over the last four years, big switcheroo. Nothing up my sleeve. If you're aching a little, it's probably the whiplash that you're experiencing. Everyday platforms like Facebook have to make trade-offs on important social values between free expression and safety,

privacy and law enforcement, and between creating open systems and locking down data. Literally all of those are sneaky ways of saying child porn and not child porn. Just in case you're all wondering what those choices are. There is rarely a clear right answer. There is! Often it is as important that decisions are made in a way that people feel is legitimate. I'd like to leave a community note for the future.

Basically what me and Elon are whispering. Amazing. If you're the leading person in this entire industry and you're the one saying there is no right moral way to do my business, even theoretically, maybe that's where we should put our fucking focus, huh? I don't think private companies should make so many decisions alone when they touch on fundamental democratic values. That is why last year I called for regulation in four areas.

Elections, harmful content, privacy, and data portability. And don't worry, if I realize nobody actually cares about these things, I will wholeheartedly bail on all of them so I can shoot machine guns with Alex Jones on his ranch. Yeah. Okay, so just let me translate this out of bullshit. His opening lines are, it's really hard, thankless work to make my business viable without destroying society with it. So I'd like to outsource that work to the taxpayers.

That's it. You do it. Yeah. So Alex Jones doesn't have a ranch anymore On Monday Facebook is publishing our second white paper setting out some questions regulation might address we've also been working with governments including in France and New Zealand on what regulation could look like a France and New Zealand on what regulation could look like. A few themes kept coming up. Like why are a bunch of bug-eyed lizards publishing a white paper instead of actual experts on literally anything? One is transparency.

Governments often tell us it's hard to design content regulation because they don't have insight into how our systems work. Facebook already publishes more detailed reports about harmful content than any other major internet service and we've shown regulators how our systems operate. We're also looking at opening up our content moderation systems for external audit. Yeah, we had to show them because it was part

of one of our many billion dollar lawsuits in the EU. So, yeah. Also, I love this, Richie, we're looking into opening up our content moderation for external, we're even thinking about looking into objectively assessing our effectiveness eventually. No problem. We're gonna enter ourselves into a drawing

and if we win our own drawing, we might consider looking at our looking at our looking at. Then there are political ads. We believe advertising is more transparent on Facebook than television print or other online services. We publish it. Why would you believe that? What would we publish?

Detail. What would make you believe despite all the evidence we believe it's hard to see over that gigantic pile of money, Tom. Jesus. You gotta look around. It's tall. Very tall. What? Why?

We publish details about political and issue ads, including who paid for them, how much was spent, and how many people were reached in our ads library. Sorry, when you opened this essay by saying you were changing these four things, did you mean to say you were going to wildly surmise that you were already better at them than everyone else? Because that's what you seem to be doing, Mark. Just congratulating yourself. But who decides what counts as political advertising in a democracy? If a nonprofit runs an ad about immigration during an election, is it political? Who should decide private companies or governments?

Okay. Right now it's private companies, IE you, Mark. Like I know you're just trying to like hook up with a Senator's daughter at Harvard in your short sleeve tee over your long sleeve team. But now you can hire someone do your fucking job, which I mean, spend your huge amounts of money to get somebody else to do a fucking job. Another theme is openness. I'm glad the EU is looking at making data sharing easier. I'm glad they sued me into having to do it.

That's why I wanted to do a big public trial. I wanted to go to my room anyway. I was going to sue myself if they didn't do it first actually. Mark, I love this ankle bracelet and I actually hate walking by playgrounds so I get it brother. Fucking rules up in here. Oh god. Nice and secure. So I get it, brother. Yeah. Fucking rules up in here. Nice and secure. It enables people to build things that are valuable for society. International agencies use Facebook's data for good program to figure out which communities need help after natural disasters.

And governments use our publicly available population density maps for vaccination campaigns. Yeah, the vaccinations. They're gonna be great. Well, I got as long as we don't remove fact-checking and content moderation for anti-vaxxer lines Actually people use Facebook to say goodbye to their grandma who's dying say goodbye to their grandma who's dying? Yeah. So yeah, the EU did have to sue us to get us to admit the data we collected. It's a grandma thing.

No, we're actually very altruistic when you count all the court ordered shit in it. I was gonna wear this ankle monitor. I'm a gift. Yeah. Of course, you should always be able to transfer your data between services. But how do we define what counts as your data? If I share something with you, like my birthday, should you be able to take that data to other services, like your calendar app?

Is that my data or yours? And really, what really counts as your data anyway? It's on my servers, so whose data is yours? And really what really counts as your data anyway? It's on my servers so whose data is it? Like for example if someone had more money than a human being could reasonably spend in a lifetime isn't it the moral obligation of that society that that person lives in to redistribute their wealth? Ah shit I did myself again. I did me. Ah beans. We have to balance promoting innovation and research against protecting people's privacy and security.

Okay, of all your efforts at on the other hand, all your shitty decisions, this is the least convincing, right? Every objective assessment would be like, we have privacy and security obviously, who doesn't fuck about innovation of your stupid shit? There's rarely a clear answer, Noah. But what if there's an innovative way to sell you more ads?

Right. Yeah. Groundbreaking child. Without clear rules on portability, strict privacy laws encourage companies to lock down data, refusing to share with others to minimize regulatory risks. Lastly, we need more oversight and accountability. People need to feel that global technology platforms answer to someone, so regulation should hold companies accountable when they make mistakes.

So we're going to pretend for a little while that we answer to the government, even though we make them gargle our balls whenever we want. Yeah, that's how it works. Or we gargle their balls and give them a million dollars for a big inaugural party so we get a giant tax break. It's balanced. It's balanced and it's mutually assured gargling. There you go. By the way, that party that they gave a million dollars

for never happened to it. So that's an interesting bit as well. Mutually assured gargling again. Maga, got it. Yeah. Companies like mine also need better oversight when we make decisions, which is why we're creating an independent oversight board so people can appeal Facebook's content decision.

Okay, yeah, that was actually a good thing from Facebook in 2020. Just a couple problems, though. One, turns out they were not able to time travel and deal with Cambridge Analytica or Russian bots in 2016. And two, the board's not even trying anymore at this point. When Zuckerberg ended fact checking, the board was like, cool is our official decision. Just let us know if you need anything. Like, just don't pull the funding from our very much dependent

underside board because it's like, yeah, you know, we could do spell checking over here as well. If you wanted that, we're just really bored. Tech companies should serve society. That includes at the corporate level. So we support the OECD's efforts to create fair global tax rules for the internet. It's funny because if you take any of this at face value, which you shouldn't, he's just saying it's nuts that we're allowed to get away with this shit. Somebody fucking stop me.

I am the creator. You know, when the railroads did this, you literally killed them. You literally, you brought the army in and you shot them to death as you should have. Yeah. I believe good regulation may hurt Facebook's business in the near term, but it will be better for everyone, including us, over the long term. These are problems that need to be fixed and that affect our industry as a whole. If we don't create standards that people feel are legitimate, they won't trust

institutions or technology. I'm a naughty boy and I must be punished. Whatever shall that look like? The essay. Oh man. Oh my God. The entire time he's typing it, his nipple clamps are getting tighter and tighter and tighter every time he hits the space bar. You know, like a little bit Mark Zuckerberg doesn't have nipples.

Of course, we won't agree with every proposal. Regulation can have unintended consequences, especially for small businesses that can't do sophisticated data analysis and marketing on their own. Millions of small businesses rely on companies like ours to do this for them. I'm envisioning that painting of Saturn eating his son except it's Zuckerberg in my browsing data. Yeah. Caption, I'm doing this for you.

Millions of small businesses need this. If regulation makes it harder for them to share data and use these tools, that could disproportionately hurt them and inadvertently disadvantage larger companies that can. Yes, we need to give companies access to all tools as useless as Facebook advertising, like dowsing rods and business center dream captures. Yeah, right, right.

But Lou, what an insane defense. What he's saying is, look, if we don Lou, what an insane defense. What he's saying is, look, if we don't steal your shoes and give them to small companies, they'll never be able to compete with large companies that can steal your shoes on their own. Yep. Still, rather than relying on individual companies to set their own standards, we'd benefit from a more democratic process.

This is why we're pushing for new legislation and it's why we support existing US proposals to prevent election interference like the Honest Ads Act and the DETER Act. To be clear, this isn't about passing off responsibility even though that's what it is. It is though. Facebook is not waiting for regulation or lawsuits. We're continuing to make progress on these issues ourselves. All right, I'm off to my first BJJ class. Lots of good politics there. Bye!

But I believe clearer rules would be better for everyone. The internet is a powerful force for social and economic empowerment. Regulation that protects people and supports innovation can ensure it stays that way. Until Trump is elected and I go on Joe Rogan and mouthfuck an effigy of regulation in his man cave. Yeah. Alright, Tom, I've had time to vomit. What's up next? Oh, God. fucking effigy of regulation in his man cave. Yeah. All right, Tom, I've had time to vomit. What's up next?

Oh God. All right, this is the hard truth. Americans don't trust the news media. Oh, for fuck's sake, fuck this op-ed. This is from October 28, 2024. A note from our owner, Jeff Bezos. God damn it, the title is actually correct, but nothing in it.

It's gonna be a good one. Right, right, right, exactly. It's like he's advancing this. He left off because of me. Yeah, yeah, right, yeah. And here's why. It should put my bad in there. It would've fixed the whole thing.

Did we edit out the oopsies? Man. I'm gonna edit that back in. In the annual public surveys about trust and reputation, journalists and the media have regularly fallen very near bottom, often just above Congress. Fuck you. He chortles just like how I imagine a goblin and Jeff Bezos. It's amazing.

But at this year's Gallup poll, we have managed to fall below Congress. Cool. Yeah. All that's left in the bottom is atheists and like half the guards from riddles. But that's really it. What an amazing joke. Our profession is now the least trusted of all. Something we are doing is clearly not working.

I wrote in the newspaper that I own and bought for 250 million dollars using less than 1% of my wealth at the time. And won't let mean cartoons about me and my friends. It really makes let them eat cake feel downright media trained, huh? Let me give an analogy. Voting machines must meet two requirements. They must count the vote accurately. And people must believe they count the vote accurately.

Oh, for fuck's sake. The second requirement is distinct from and just as important as the first. What, what a telling analogy, right? Because in both cases, the problem is that lying motherfuckers are saying those things can't be trusted and billionaires with a lot on the line pretend that that, that, that like that amounts to legitimate criticism. That's a great point. In the analogy, it's not a voting machine at all. It's not even that you're not a journalist.

I don't trust this voting machine. That's an ATM Cletus. No, no, let's hear him out. I better buy a new my votes overdrawn again. Likewise with newspapers, we must be accurate and we must be believed to be accurate. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but we are failing on the second requirement. Most people believe the media is biased. Anyone who doesn't see this is paying scant attention to reality and those who fight reality lose

I wrote about people who never read this paper that I'm writing in right now And are learning about messenger ribonucleic acid from Joe Rogan right now Who are you talking to with this Reality is an undefeated champion. Oh wow. What? That is a bold claim in October of 2024, man. Wow.

It would be easy to blame others for our long and continuing fall in credibility and therefore decline in impact, but a victim mentality will not help. Complaining is not a strategy. We must work harder to control what we can control to increase our credibility. Hold on a second. I got to write a check to donate $1 million to our next King's coronation. Give me a second. Presidential endorsements do nothing to tip the scales of an election.

Unless the endorser is wealthier than me. And that's like, it's like maybe one guy. No undecided voters in Pennsylvania are going to say, I'm going with newspaper a's endorsement. None. Yeah. I mean, do you imagine a newspaper irresponsibly overreacting to a bad debate performance and that overreaction then forcing a rushed half year campaign in front of a country of literal fascists. That would never happen or matter. What a crazy thing to think. This is all the more fucked up since the legitimate form of distrust in media comes from its refusal to do shit like admit that Donald Trump was fathoms beneath Kamala Harris in every reasonable

presidential qualification. The whole premise of this is, oh, nobody would decide based on what if every goddamn responsible newspaper in the fucking country endorsed the same person? You don't think that would make a difference? Also, I would have loved it if she had a half year campaign. Yeah, no, I could not find a like delicate turn of phrase for that part. What presidential endorsements actually do is create a perception of bias, a perception of non-independence.

Ending them is a principled decision and it's the right one. Eugene Meyer, publisher of the Washington Post from 1933 to 1946, thought the same, and he was right. I think we can all agree nothing happened during those years, Edward! What the fuck? Why would you bring that up? Neutrality is sure what was needed from 1933 to 1944! Why would you bring that up? Amazing. You are not free! I fucking- Did not eat pork, you fucking bitch! Why would you bring that up?

Amazing. Baron bounced. Why is this out loud? Why would you not- Why would you hide this like fucking- Oh, God. By itself. Declining to endorse presidential candidates is not enough to move us very far

up the trust scale, but it's a meaningful step in the right direction. He insists over the sounds of droves of people canceling their subscriptions to this now significantly less trustworthy newspaper. I wish we had made the change earlier than we did, in a moment further from the election and the emotions around it Oh, do you? That was that was inadequate planning and and not some intentional strategy Hey, man, our intellectual retreat was planned. Okay, we don't What are you talking about? We wanted to run away. Those guys are pussy. We are setting a Trello alert on our

For the next it's four years They do them every year That can't be right I Would also like to be clear that no quid pro quo of any kind is at work here. No, neither campaign nor candidate was consulted or informed at any level or in any way about this decision. And that's the only way there could be a quid pro quo. It was made entirely internally.

It was made entirely internally. David Limp, is a terrible name, the chief executive of one of my companies, Blue Origin, met with former president Donald Trump on the day of our announcement. I sighed when I found out because I knew it would provide ammunition to those who like to frame this as anything other than a principled decision. Principled decision.

Well, yeah, no, we would sure be wanting for ammunition. That's why there's been no comments up to this point from the gallery. But the fact is, I didn't know about the meeting beforehand. What happened was in the Trello calendar, we forgot everything pulling on my side of the banner. was in the Trello calendar, we forgot everything. Pull it on my side of the banner. Heave this dude's mouth. Even Limp didn't know about it in advance.

The meeting was scheduled quickly that morning, and there is no connection between it and our decision on presidential endorsements. Any suggestion, otherwise is false. Yeah, sending us in Limp was a misdirection. Misdirection. I get it. We just happen to have a meeting with the candidate who would most benefit from our journalistic negligence on the day we made this decision.

It's wacky coincidence. It's funny if you think about it. It's funny. It's like Freaky Friday. Yeah. And anyway, with with that apology for how much credibility my decision just caught us with the public back to how this decision is going to help us be more credible to the public. When when it comes to the appearance of conflict, I am not an ideal owner of the post every day somewhere. Some Amazon executive or Blue Origin executive or someone from the other philanthropies and

companies I own or invest in is meeting with government officials. I once wrote that the post is a complexifier for me. Leave. You can leave. You can leave whenever you want. But it turns out I am also a complexifier for the post. Feels like you're gonna turn one of the pages in the post and that thing from Men in Black is just gonna be there

and it's gonna go off and wipe your memory. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, if you wanna do something principled, get rid of it, but leave a big trust fund with a tiny, tiny fraction of your wealth there you go let's the Washington Post keep operating sure and maintain independence forever you have a good thing that would be an endorsement endorsement of facts

reality facts reality has an unchecked bias of perception of bias I gotta have a meeting with the president you can see my wealth and business interests as a bulwark against intimidation, or you can see them as a web of conflicting interests. Why not both? Why don't we see them as both? Only my own principles can tip the balance from one to the other. Right, and we're fucked. I assure you that my views here are in fact principled.

And I believe my track record as owner of The Post since 2013 backs this up. You are of course free to make your own determination, but I challenge you to find one instance in those 11 years where I've prevailed upon anyone at The Post in favor of my own interests. What? It hasn't happened except for this right now that I'm writing literally right now. But I'm actually too principled. If you think about it. Yes, yes, I'm actively murdering you right now. But I would challenge you to fight any

record of violence in my past, other this. Lack of credibility isn't unique to the post. Our brethren newspapers have the same issue and it's a problem not only for the media but also for the nation. Many people are turning to off the cuff podcasts, inaccurate social media posts, other unverified news sources. Hey, fuck you too. Sorry. She uses the internet and that's how it works now. Which can quickly spread misinformation and deepen divisions. The Washington Post and the New York Times win prizes, but increasingly, we talk only to a certain elite.

More and more. Readers? People who read. Yeah, he needs to know. Okay, that's not inaccurate. More and more we talk to ourselves. Wasn't always this way. In the 1990s we achieved 80% household penetration

in the DC metro area. Oh, you mean when there literally wasn't another way to get the news? I wonder how they did it. Yeah, right. What an idiotic thing to do. You know, before the internet, there was a lot less email in my inbox. Everybody checked their mail. You know, while I do not end and will not push my personal interest. Except right now and I'm lying about my motives so this one doesn't count. I will also not allow this paper to stay on autopilot and fade into irrelevance. Overtaken, he's going to drive it that way then? Yeah, exactly.

It's not going to fade, it's just going to switch right the fuck off. I'm going to steer that fucker right into the wall, bitch! Active. Overtaken by unresearched podcasts and social media barbs. Not without a fight. Oh, I volunteer as tribute! Keith's reach on this? Oh my god.

Fuck, I hazel up so bad. Already hitting you. It's too important. The stakes are too high. Now more than ever, I'm gonna be the one to take the fall. I'm gonna be the one to take the fall. I'm gonna be the one to take the fall. I'm gonna be the one to take the fall. I'm gonna be the one to take the fall. I'm gonna be the one to take the fall. I'm gonna be the one to take the fall. I'm gonna. Fuck, I'm so bad. Already hitting you. Already hitting you. God.

It's too important. The stakes are too high. Now more than ever, the world needs a credible, trusted, independent voice and where better for that voice to originate than the capital city of the most important country in the world. To win this fight, we will have to exercise new muscles. Some changes will be a return to the past will have to exercise new muscles. Some changes will

be a return to the past and some will be new inventions. Criticism will be part and parcel of anything new of course. This is the way of the world. None of this will be easy but it will be worth it. What invention does he think he's gonna do? Just get the fucking news. Just knee pads. I am so grateful to be part of this endeavor. Many of the finest journalists you'll find anywhere work at the Washington Post and they work painstakingly every day to get to the truth. They deserve to be believed. Okay, can I add a tiny bit of nuance?

That last part is true. Like, the Washington Post is actually a good paper, absent shit like this. It actually is. Sure. Yeah. Your money is better spent at ProPublica though. Sure.

All right. Well, I think Cecil's felony editing finger is getting tired, so we'll take a quick break for some Apropos of nothing. Excuse me, President Johnson? Yes, you're that Martin Luther King Jr. fellow, aren't you? Indeed I am. Well, I've heard a lot of very positive things about you, sir. And I, you.

So how can I help you? Well, I was just wondering, now that I've got you, if you would mind ending racism, please? Ending racism, please? Why never! Nobody ever thought to say please before. Why of course I'll end racism! Oh you will?

Of course! Because I'm a great person! Everyone is a great person! And because you asked so nicely. Well, now that I think of it, nobody must have ever asked nicely before. You know, I guess they didn't. Man, when you think of it this way, through this lens, which is very true and accurate historically, that we just asked peacefully and nicely enough, and all the people who didn't end racism before.

I guess they all kinda had it coming, if you think of it this way. Well, yeah. You know, I guess they did. Yeah, and if anyone in the future ever thinks something bad is happening, why, they should just ask someone really, really nicely for it to stop. You know, that's right. Really nicely, because everyone is a great person.

Everyone. This has nothing to do with the widespread arming of the Black Panthers. Nothing at all. And we're back! When we left off, the Buddha was googling gun stores near me. So tell us, Tom, who will be asking for the Legally Vague It next? This is an op-ed by Peter Thiel from the Bubba, what was the? Bubba the Love Sponge. Bubba the Love Sponge episode.

Yeah. Peter Thiel. Welcome back to the show, Peter. This is written January the 10th, 2025 2025 and it's a time for truth and reconciliation Oh my god, I hate him so much Okay, he's so much. This is so much worse than the other two It's somehow so much worse. I've never seen an op-ed more face punchable in

Ever if you're an angry punching person and you're at work You have to wait until you're home to listen to the rest of the pot. I don't want you to lose your job because Carol comes around the corner for a paper clip. In 2016, President Barack Obama told his staff that Donald Trump's election victory was not the apocalypse. Well, that hasn't aged well. By any definition, he was correct. Any?

Any? But understood in the original sense, the Greek word apocalypse is... Fuck you! It just gets so much more pompous from here. Oh my God. Meaning unveiling. The definition of apocalypse is... Obama could not give the same reassurance in twenty twenty five.

Trump's return to the White House augurs the apocalypses of the ancient regimes secrets. Oh, somebody punched me in the face for writing that sentence. All right. Fair enough. Fair enough. I'm going to continue. No, that's fair. That's fair. By the way, it's on CN regime. It's not even ancient regime. It's worse. It's on CN regime, like the French thing.

Oh, French revolution. I just thought that was a misspelling. Yeah. Now I'm angrier. Oh, no, that's a pretentious correct spelling. Oh, yeah. She is always something simple. Ever. Cool. Cool. Yeah, I'm getting in on that punching. The new administration's revelations. Get it apocalypse. Revelation's very clever.

Need not justify vengeance. Reconstruction can go hand in hand with reconciliation, but for reconciliation to take place, there must first be truth. Somehow I'm losing a debate against Abraham Lincoln in my first turn. Fuck. I'm going to continue. I'm going to say something like Ancien Regime again, for sure. The apocalypse is the most peaceful means of resolving the Old Guard's war on the Internet, a war the internet won.

My friend and colleague, Eric Weinstein, calls the pre-internet custodians of secrets the distributed idea suppression complex, or DISC, the media organization, bureaucracies, universities, and government-funded NGOs that traditionally delimited public conversation. Yeah, Eric Weinstein, he's a normal person with great ideas about a lot of stuff. You should not Google him. Don't Google his brother either. He also thinks he's discovered the grand unified theory and science is just jealous of how much smarter than Einstein he is.

Anyway, that guy was telling me about the web of governments and academia that suppress the truth. He kept scratching his face really hard. Very disturbing. In a fucking rash. In hindsight, the internet had already begun our liberation from the disc prison upon the prison death of financier and child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein in 2019. Almost half of Americans polled that year mistrusted the official story that he died

by suicide, suggesting that disc had lost control of the narrative. The internet, a giant argument from popularity machine has decided reality and we should listen. Yeah. Yup. Okay, what you said is not why, but like the disc totally lost control of the narrative. Like I have no evidence, in my heart though,

it definitely lost control of the narrative. Suicide? Now, maybe it's just me, but if the first thing that came up when you Googled my name and the name of a famous sex criminal was a New York Times article about our multiple meetings in 24-4, I would just not bring up that person ever. Do your best.

Just never. I'd make sure they died in prison. Yeah! Like what happened in my heart. It may be too early to answer the internet's questions about the late Mr. Ipstein, but one cannot say the same of the assassination of John F. Kennedy. 65% of Americans still doubt that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. And my inclusion of still accidentally disproves my entire premise that the internet did this on its own. Oops.

No deletes for me moving on. Like an outlandishly postmodern detective story, we have waited 61 years for a denouement while the suspects Fidel Castro, 1960s mafiosi, the CIA's Alan Dulles, gradually die. The thousands of classified government files on Oswald may or may not be red herrings, but opening them up for public inspection will give America some closure. What about egg prices? Was it about egg? Thank you!

Was it about egg prices? That's what I heard! That's the fucking rumor I heard! That's a lot of what I heard too. Okay, but this did remind me about the only fun executive order that we got from Trump in that first day. So I got all excited and I looked it up, the thing about Kennedy being declassified. The story from Time Magazine was like, relax fucking Heath. It was Oswald. It was just Oswald.

Fucking calm down. Yeah. Okay. But you got to admit that being too proud to tell America you were a back brace. So everyone thinks George Bush senior shot you in the head for the rest of the time is almost as funny as if Del Castro has got it. Right? No, they'll think I'm a gay mole for wearing a back brace.

Come on. Great. We cannot wait six decades, however, to end the lockdown on a free discussion about COVID-19 in subpoenaed emails from Anthony Fauci's senior advisor, David Moran's, we learned the National Institutes. Fuck you. No, it's going to get so much worse. morons, we learned the national institutes. It's going to get so much worse. Wait,

that national institutes of health, apparatchiks. So much of your worldly goods you would lose. Where is he right now? His fence is not that high. You can see it on Google Earth. Hid their correspondence from Freedom of Information Act scrutiny. Nothing, wrote Bokascio in his medieval plague epic, The Decameron, is so indecent that it cannot be said to another person if the proper words are used to convey it.

Just put the whole fucking quote together. Just do the quote. I'm going to remember it so it's not pretentious enough. God damn it. Also, how does he even open his goddamn thesaurus to find apparatchik with all the comma on the pages? That's crazy. Yes, big vocabulary brought to you by every incorrect email correction we've ever gotten

vibes here, right? To who sit may concern. In that spirit, Moran's and former chief US medical advisor Fauci will have the chance to share some indecent facts about our own recent plague. Did they suspect that COVID spawned from US taxpayer funded research or an adjacent Chinese military program? Spelt P-R-O. With two M's and an E? Yes, yes. Why did we fund the work of EcoHealth Alliance, which sent researchers into remote Chinese caves

to extract novel coronaviruses is GAYVES OF SHINWAZARY is what I considered. I went with Chinese caves. Moving on. Is a gain of function research a byword for a bio weapons programing? And how did our government stop the spread of such questions on social media. Just when did Anthony Fauci stop beating his wife?

I inquire thesaurus.comedly. I'm, in the words of the Bon Vivant Warrior Poet, named me, just asking questions. Our First Amendment frames the rules of engagement for domestic fights over free speech, but the global reach of the internet tempts its adversaries into a global war. Can we believe that a Brazilian judge banned acts without American backing in a tragic comic perversion of the Monroe Dox? I except through my nose over my brandy at the very thought. Were we complicit in Australia's recent legislation requiring age verification for social media users? The beginning of the end of internet's anonymity?

Did we muster up even two minutes' criticism of the UK, which has arrested hundreds of people a year for online speech triggering, among other things, annoyance, inconvenience, or needless anxiety. We may expect no better for more Wellian dictatorships in East Asia and Eurasia, but we must support a free internet in Oceania. I bought a Senate seat for JD Vance and I'm funding a steroid Olympics. That's right. Just like Winston in 1984 Pete sorry bring it over here for a second. The steroid Olympics is an amazing idea and I need you to stop using it as an example Okay, I heard it right after I said it

Idea I agree like let's have some nuance Peter Thiel's awesome one idea Is that real? Yeah, yeah But oh my god, you know feel like and it's a great idea But I feel like their choices of what to include in their lists are proof that they don't believe what they're asserting Right, like if you think that the government intentionally created and accidentally released a bioweapon that killed millions and millions of people all over The world you would not follow it up with oh Intentionally created and accidentally released a bio weapon that killed millions and millions of people all over the world You would not follow it up with also. Why didn't we criticize this online privacy law? Important and belongs in the same list Darker questions still emerge in these dusky final weeks of our

interrogative emerge in these dusky final weeks of our interregnum. I'll fucking kill you. Who told me that talking like this made me sound smart, for example? Venture capitalist Mark Andreessen recently suggested on Joe Rogan's podcast that the Biden administration debanked crypto entrepreneurs. An oligarch said on a podcast. He lied lied listen to the first episode of the no Rogan experience He's a fucking liar right and even if he was telling the truth Well good like if their crypto is really great. They shouldn't need any Fucking thing with their stupid sinker swim

Sink or swim, motherfuckers. How closely does our financial system resemble a social credit system? Not at all. Oh wait, we're an IRS contractor's, not even remotely analogous, we're an IRS contractor's illegal leaks of Trump's tax records anomalous. Or should Americans assume their right to financial privacy hinges upon their politics? And can one speak of a right to privacy at all when Congress conserves Section 702 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, under which the FBI conducts tens of thousands of warrantless searches of Americans' communications?

Can a man not be a terrorist in his own home anymore? Alright, dip a broken clock twice a day. FISA courts are egregious. You're not doing anything wrong, there's no problem. And the Steroid Olympics was great. That's exactly. And Kennedy got killed by a big group of people. And they were all coming together. He was right. South Africa confronted its apartheid history with a global commission. Oh, I would bring up South Africa. That's weird.

But answering the questions above with piecemeal declassifications would befit both Trump's chaotic style and our internet world, which processes and propagates short packets of information. Amazing. A good way to do this would be a truth and reconciliation commission, but that wouldn't help since all my claims are bullshit. So how about we just let the gut instincts of Joe Rogan listeners decide instead? The first Trump administration shied away from declassification because it still believed in the

right wing deep state of an Oliver Stone movie. This belief is fake. Yeah, I too have lost faith in the state. Peter Thiel, I get it. Yeah. Our ancient regime. No, like the aristocracy of pre-revolutionary France, thought the party would never end. 2016 shook their historicist faith in the arc of the moral universe. But by 2020, they hope to write Trump off as an aberration.

In retrospect, 2020 was the aberration, the rear guard action of a struggling regime and it's Strollbrug ruler. Oh my God. I hate him so fucking much. Strollbrug ruler. That's so he was like, yeah, Gulliver's Travels. Nailed it. That's a Gulliver's Travels reference.

Just make a list of books that you've read for your fucking business card. Put it on your business card next to your W2 that's already on there. Cillian Rail Bone. God damn it. Somebody will fuck you, Peter. You're rich. You don't need to do this. Don't worry about it.

There will be no reactionary restoration of the pre-internet past. Okay. So, Peter, you seem like an overly red individual, so can you explain the end of the Ancien Regime to us? And when you do it, just put your head through this hole and let us know what happened to rich people. Just talk to us that way. Just get a lovely basket for you to look at. Yeah.

Down here. The future demands fresh and strange ideas. Beat Peter Thiel to death with a croquembouche. Eat the cake, motherfucker! Eat it! How refreshing! Strange! Thank you!

Innovation! New ideas might have saved the old regime, which barely acknowledged, let alone answered our deepest questions. That's because your questions are literally too stupid to be answered. The causes of the 50 year slowdown in scientific and technological progress in the U.S. The racket of crescendoing real estate prices and the explosion of public debt. Wait a second guys. I think he might be winding up to one of those.

It was I who killed the Butler ending. So wait, hold on. Yeah, right. Hold up. Hold on. Perhaps an exceptional country could have continued to ignore such questions. But as Trump understood in 2016, America is not an exceptional country. It is no longer even a great.

Hey, look at that. Me and Peter Teal agree on two things now, huh? Yeah. Okay. I was thinking about it. Are we sure this? Yes, there are awesome idea. Okay.

No, I like a big instinctually. It sounds amazing. I feel like there's problematic. Horses. They're going to be broken horses. They're going to be big broken horses. Unable to speak or move. Except they run so fucking fast. It's going to be so fucking funny.

Can you imagine the size of the gym? Poor Liz Athletique. They just run as fast as they can and then at the finish line. They just fall into a This run into a fucking meat grinder and Eat it because that's where they get their stuff. Slurp it down like spaghetti! They didn't cook the meat, they just put it between buns! Fuck! You gotta admit, it's a pretty effective stuff.

Like the NFL does so well. Like, come on! Great! Don't throw up too much or you're last with a grinder and then it's all slow and sticky! so well. Like, come on. Yeah! Great. God. Don't throw up too much or you'll last with a grinder and then it's all slow and sticky. Identity politics endlessly relitigates ancient history. The study of recent history, to which the Trump administration is now called, is more treacherous and more important.

The Apocalypse cannot resolve our fights over 1619, but it can resolve our fights over COVID-19. Oh my God, I hate this. It will not adjudicate the sins of our first rulers, but the sins of those who govern us today. All right, I gotta rhyme something about American slavery with COVID-19. That's my day now.

He landed on 1619 rhyming with COVID-19, by the way. 19 does rhyme with 19. Oh, now. Bravery. Bravery. He felt gee. Now, that's a thought scan. That was pretty good.

Thank you. The internet will not allow us to forget those sins, but with the truth, it will not prevent us from forgiving. All right, Tom, if you had to summarize what you've learned in one legal sentence, what would it be? Okay, rewrite something then. Need a minute to rewrite, delete, delete, delete. The only thing of value to gain from the rich

is their fucking riches. There you go. And are you ready for the quiz? Let's do it. Okay, Tom, besides a guillotine, what's the best way for the mob to execute a billionaire? A, decapital gains. B. Crucify finance. C. Brazen bull market. D. Dismember FDIC.

It's brazen bull market. That's great. That's correct. I love that one. I feel like Cecil's been thinking about that one for a while. All four of those could have been the right made to listen to him howling there. All right, Tom, when we eat the old regime called the rich, what's going to be the best name for a dish when we do that? Hey, Charles Coco Van. What's going to be the best name for a dish when we do that? A. Charles Coq Au Vin. Muscles Marinara.

C. Zuccal Orange. Anything Flambezos. Oh, all of those are so good. All of those are good. Secret answer. E. I'm ordering the menu. Well done. Correct. Gotta get him from the buffet. Warren Buffet.

Of course. We don't need him. He's nice. Alright, Tom, we're big talk here on Citation Needed. But if we lived in the times of Hitler, we'd be telling people to A, write their local Reichstagmann. B, put a resist sticker on the back of your train car. Oh, God.

C, vote for Bernie Sanders. Jesus. Jesus fucking true shit. All right. It's it's vote for Bernie. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

I've got one more for you, Tom. Peter Thiel's pompous and treaty for open access to previously unavailable information would be severely undercut if a. The thing he was most famous for was suing a media organization out of existence for providing information he didn't like. B, we did an entire episode about this. It was episode three eighty eight. So it wasn't even that long ago.

See, and the fact that he can even pretend to give a fuck about free access to information without bursting into goddamn flames is all the proof against divinity we should ever need or D eat the rich fucking eat the rich ah damn it I'm sorry it was secret answer e all of the above I kind kinda like that Gawker is fucking gone or whatever. Alright, Noah wins! Hooray! I want next week's essay to be by Heath. Alright, well for Tom, Noah, Cecil, and Heath, I'm Eli Bossnik.

Thank you for hanging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then, Heath will be an expert on something else. Between now and then you can listen to our podcast in all the podcast places especially Cecil and Marsh's new show no Rogan available no Rogan experience available wherever if you type no Rogan in the you'll get a new show yes they recently did a whole episode on Mark Zuckerberg's Rogan appearance. We did. Check that out. And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation

at patreon.com slash CitationPod or leave us a five star review everywhere you can. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media or check the show notes. Be sure to check out citationpod.gov. And so I am pleased to announce that we, England, are giving Gandhi and all his people back an entire country worth of colonies because they asked super duper peacefully and nicely for the first time ever. Wow thank you your highness. Do the voice you coward. I'm not

gonna do the voice.