Citation Needed - Pankration

Episode Date: May 25, 2022

Pankration (/pænˈkreɪtiɒn, -ˈkreɪʃən/; Greek: παγκράτιον) was a sporting event introduced into the Greek Olympic Games in 648 BC, which was an empty-hand submission sport with few rules. The athletes used boxing and wrestling techniques, but also others, such as kicking, holds, joint-locks, and chokes on the ground, making it similar to modern mixed martial arts.[1] The term comes from the Greek παγκράτιον [paŋkrátion], meaning 'all of power', from πᾶν (pan) 'all' and κράτος (kratos) 'strength, might, power'. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.  

Which would make him the first Jewish Marvel hero. Well, if you don't count Kitty Pride, well, I mean, she's in the movies, but they never explicitly talk about her being Jewish. Okay, that's true. Come on, run it again, do it again. It's gonna come up with the same results, dude. I told you this.

You're embarrassing yourself. You're embarrassing yourself. It's called science, Tom. Hey, guys, well, I am super glad to see you didn't destroy the studio in thematic shenanigans this week. But what exactly are you yelling about? Eli has a lie computer. It's not a lie computer. Okay. All right. Well, so what? Okay. So you know how this week's episode is about handcuffication, hand creation. Sure. Right. So I was wondering who would win in a fight between all of us?

So like Battle Royale or seated rounds. Thank you. Yes, that matters. I didn't say it didn't matter, Heath. Anyways, so you know you guys weren't here yet. So I busted out the supercomputer and I ran some simulations. You like? That's a bad use for our supercomputer.

Okay. So seated rounds, Cecil wins in every combination. Really, not Tom? Thank you. I know, I know, I thought it would be Tom too, but it turns out when they're paired together, Tom falls to his knees and mourning and gives up in all possible scenarios,

except the universe in which Cecil is his long lost father. Yeah, I feel like we just wasted the computer's time with that one. Okay, great to disagree, but Battle Royale, fun fact, is his long lost father. Yeah, I feel like we just wasted the computer's time with that one. Okay. Great to disagree. But Battle Royale, fun fact, it's actually you, Noah, because Tom goes for Cecil first. He's too distracted to fall to his knees and give up, but then Cecil stabs him in the throat for a double K.O.

Wait, why does Cecil have a knife? Thank you. Yes. Eli says the computer cannot fathom a situation where Cecil doesn't have a knife. Look, most people carry boot knives, okay? Okay. Okay. Well, I still don't understand why heath is so upset.

Oh, it is upset because there is no possible simulation where he wins any configuration. None of them. Like including the one where we're all Muppet babies and he's the same size. Really? How is that possible? Again, thank you, Noah. The computer's clearly broken, okay? I mean, I can clone up Muppet Baby versions

of me, Tom and Cecil, and Noah, and we can test it out. Yeah, man, that sounds good. I would have watched that, yes. Yeah, I just, you know what, we should record the podcast, right? I feel like we're running late. Let's just record the podcast. This can wait, right? Yeah, I'm fine waiting.

I don't know. I just need to record the podcast. This can wait, right? Yeah, I'm fine waiting. I don't know. I just need to record the podcast. OK. Hello, and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject for you to single article about it on Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now. I'm knowing I'm going to be getting us ready to rumble tonight, but to do that we're

going to need a few fighters. First up in the red corner, two men who are pretty sure Smash Brothers was a recognized fighting style when they signed up. He and Eli. Okay, yeah, my sexual style is also button mashing the family. And if swallowing your opponent is wrong, I don't want to be right. And in the blue corner, two men who have very different things in mind when they agreed to a sword fight Cecil and Tom. I would say unguard, but it's mostly guard.

It's not a sword. Don't let him lie to you. He knew exactly what I had. And of course, before we get started, I want to remind the listeners how bad it can go when podcasting and MMA get mixed together and And how much more profitable it is to suck anyway. To the extent that we don't suck it's because of the support of our patrons. If you'd like to learn how to join their ranks, be sure to stick around to the end of the show. And with that out of the way, tell us Eli, what person plays think concept phenomenon

or event? Well, we'll be talking about today. Partication nation. Thank you. And Cecil, you either read an article about this or beat someone into submission and made them do it for you. Either way, are you ready to weigh in? Finally, they have my natural weight class as a division PT cruiser weight. All right. So where does our story start?

Okay. All the information I have about fighting sports has only been gleaned over like the last 10 years about that long ago. I was introduced to the UFC and I watched the sport of mixed martial arts on an off-sense then. I never really looked into like the origins of mixed martial arts and I sort of assumed, because it's somewhat of an implicit narrative in the UFC that for the longest time hand-to-hand fighting arts were all specialized. There was like a kicky one, a punchy one, a grabby one. And most of them really didn't take techniques and smash them together into one style until recently.

But while doing research for an upcoming gladiators episode, I came across an ancient fighting sport that surprisingly, well, to me, at least resembles modern day mixed martial arts. Is it actual fighting, Cecil, because I can confirm actual fighting his head, kicks punches and grabbing for millennia, but you can confirm that because you've been getting your ass kicked for millennia Eli. That too. Not all the highlanders have swords. I don't know what you're going to do. Hand creation is an old tiny no holds barred fisticuffs. The term comes from ancient Greece and it means all of power, which sounds like a bad translation of an RPG video game from Japan where somebody set us up the bomb.

Basically, the UFC with fewer rules, the fighters could kick, punch, do joint locks, grapple, perform chokes, etc, etc. Don't you dare hide nut shots behind it, etc. See. So they started with doing it. It all started in the seventh century BCE. And if you are familiar at all with modern day mixed martial arts, you'll recognize a lot of these techniques, which makes the guy from the first UFC with the one boxing glove even more straight. Oh, aren't Jim or Jim or say boxer amazing. He was like, all right, I got a plan for this. I'm going to grapple against

the greatest grappler in the world. I'm going to wear giant mittens. I do that. And and his trainer was like, yeah, that's dumb, don't do that. And you were some like, okay, got it. Yeah. One giant man. It's the perfect crime. Okay. It sounds bad. But in his MMA debut, he was doing some really terrible shit with one giant foam thing. So. Now, the legend is that Heracles and the mythical founder of Athens, Thesius, each came up with the style. Sounds like a weird day, but whatever.

Maybe they were like the precursors to the guy who sits in dark bars in Boston on Tuesday mornings. They didn't invent it together. They just kind of had like a win. The rubber hits the road moment, like two scientists from different parts of the world winning the Nobel Prize for the same thing in the same year, except this makes you lose a lot more brain cells. So wait, so somebody had to come up with just beat the fuck out of each other in all the ways.

That was a weird day for some Greek patent clerk. Like no, that's already. So one of you is fictional. Who's named do I put down? They're both fictional. Physiast, the story goes that he created punching, kicking and grabbing at the same time when he fought a minotaur and hand to hand combat in a labyrinth. Even though in the story, he smuggled a sword into the labyrinth and stabbed it to death.

So I already smuggled it. And where was he smuggling at? See salt and pocket and in the Herically story, he beats a lot. and stabbed it to death. So I already smuggle it. Where was he smuggling at sea salt? And pocket and in the Herically story, he beats a lion unconscious with a club before strangling it with his bare hands. So both use weapons, but they are still credited with the creation of this sport of unarmed combat. Okay, I like the weapons thing though. If the UFC started every match with both fighters like spin in a weapon wheel and getting one random weapon, I watched

it. It was like spiky ball on a stick versus one old, tiny grenade. Yeah. Interesting. Two, I like it. Five back in the seven century BCE, they had other fighting games. They had boxing and wrestling. Boxing was, we suspect similar, but not exactly like modern boxing. They probably didn't have walk out songs or giant gold belts. They have a rough idea of the rule set, which included no wrestling, no gouging with the fingers. They didn't use a ring at all. They had no time limits on combat, no weight classes. And they are completely sure kicking was disallowed. One, they had to go gouging. You know, one interesting rule was that the judge could just be you with a switch if you broke the rules. Interesting.

And then you could just do like a sudden death round if the fight was going on too long and just exchange unguarded punches. It sounds pretty much like every Rocky movie. She asked me. Yeah. Oh God, this unrelenting blood sport is getting boring. All right. How about if instead of boxing, we just see whose brain gives out first. That's

the other guys like, no, no, that's the NFL. We got to do a different thing. Do you ever watch those face slap tournaments? Yeah. Oh my god. The best. Yes. Apparently that was the lightning round at the end of this day. Okay. Now I've got a right one on the face slapping. Cecil, you all said the right one about that combat arm wrestling.

Yes. Like the fight a punching arm wrestling. Thatil, you all said the right one about that combat arm wrestling. Yes. Like the fight a punching arm wrestling. That's the greatest thing in the entire world. There's so many different ones that are amazing. Okay. So rest there's arm wrestling where like you arm wrestle with one arm and you fight. Yeah, they strap your arms together. Then you arm wrestle and also you kick and punch each other with the other arms and whoever

either like dies or loses arm wrestling loses. Okay. Can you do toe gouging? Wrestling was also similar to modern analogs, not the WWE, but like the NCAA. You couldn't intentionally hit someone, you couldn't bite her eye gouge, you couldn't grab the genitals. And again, a ref arm with a whip or a switch kept the combatants in line. But here's a quote, quote, all other holds intended to persuade the opponent to

concede defeat through pain or fear are permitted fear and the inner core part of the contest. And cool. So I don't know that points points were scored by pinning your opponents back on the ground, making them concede or shoving or throwing your opponent outside the designated fighting area. The fighting area was 28 and a half meter square, which is about two basketball courts side by side. Okay. That feels too big. It's just going to be a lot of the smaller guy running until he wins by bigger guy vomiting. Pancreation was a hybrid of these two like modern day mixed martial arts. They would allow strikes of any kind, grappling, submissions, knockouts, joint locks, chokes, you name it, they allowed it. The fights would

go until someone was either knocked out or they gave up and they could do small joint manipulation. So in modern mixed martial arts, most rule sets don't allow you for bending or breaking fingers or toes, but in pancreation, combatants could do this all they wanted. They couldn't, however, gouge the eyes or bite those two attacks were forbidden. I will say that Sparta didn't disallow these things. So if you really want an iPad, you can head over there. I want to meet the guy who insisted that toe pulling be allowed.

I want to meet the guy who stood that toe pulling be a lot. I want to meet the guy who stood and said that meeting. Yeah. I don't know, man. Part of me doesn't even believe Sparta is real. Like that home mythology just reads like a bunch of like free speech, libertarian crypto bio hacking, dude, bros invented their own fighting, fighting Atlantis. I can just see his face. Tom, I've got great news for you.

Now well, this was a formal sport. It was also just something soldiers trained in. They would use their pancreasion training when they would lose their weapons or if they broke. The legend is that at Thermopoly, when the 300 Spartans were defending the gate, they fought with their bare hands after all their weapons broke. Other ancient historians note that the thing that made a good soldier, a good fighter, was their hand to hand skill and thus their ability in the sport. Alexander the Great was also a fan of the sport itself and his troops practiced the art. So I know that's, this isn't exactly what you mean, but now I'm picturing a spartan at thermoply going, no, no, no biting time out.

I know the Battle of Thermopoly will be its own episode someday, but it took us slightly longer to lose than expected. Really doesn't feel like the epic victory. It's remix it out to be. Okay, speak for yourself, because if I last slightly longer than expected, I count that an half a. And don't have a lot of victory gravy. You're welcome.

Pancreation competition was not separated by weight classes and like other fighting sports when TV didn't exist. It had no time limit. So the early UFC where Keith Hackney fought a 600 pound sumo wrestler, that could have totally happened back then. They did, however, split up the combatants based on age. There was an adult and a boys division, but the article doesn't mention where the cutoff ages. This was a very popular event in the Olympics back then, but they also had pancreation tournaments throughout the year. The ritual for setting up the pairings went like this. The organizers would get bean

size tokens and inscribe a letter from the alphabet on two of them and then keep going with different letters until there were enough beans for everyone. Then they would drop all those tokens into a big silver earn and each combatant would come up, pray to Zeus and take one. Now it sounds like the judges with the whips wouldn't let them look at them until everybody had drawn one. Then once everyone had one, they would look and the judges would call the A pairing, the B pairing, etc.

Then they would fight a single elimination tournament round against their opponents to submission and then join the group of winners line up and draw another stone to fight again. It still sounds like a much more civil use of the Greek alphabet than a fraternity rush though. Yeah, exactly. For sure. This would go on until there was a winner. So 16 people, meant you fought four fights, up to 32, meant you fought five, etc. You could fight multiple knock down drag ass fights with no weight limit, no time limit, where your fingers could get tied into a not by your opponent in one fucking Jesus. You could get lucky and draw a

by fight. Meaning you could sit around and automatically advance to the next round. And theoretically, you could have multiple by fights in the same day. So someone advancing without having drawn a by-fight and winning the tournament was something of a bragging point. See, this is how you end up with a ninja world champion. We had a come up with a better system. There are better systems. Specialized joke. But it's a good one. There are a ton of artistic renderings at the combat.

So historians know how the fights went and what particular techniques were used. One important note is that the fighters appear to be 100% new. The article itself does not say that the sport took place naked, but the images shown naked dudes fist-a-cuffing. I found another article that mentions that some Greeks participated in the contest with a thong called a, I don't know if I'm right, I'm not sure if it's correctly, a keynote desme, keynote desme. I don't know if I'm saying that correctly. It was tied tightly around the part of the four skin that extended beyond those areas

of penis. Yeah. And then the thong would then either be attached to the waistband to draw your dick up and expose scrotum or tied to the base of the penis so to the waistband to draw your dick up and expose. Why? Scrodom or tied to the base of the penis so that the penis appeared to curl. Okay. Okay. Uniform.

That's cool. Just, I had an idea. What if nothing ties to my dick, what would it? Scrodom out or dick curled up. This is serious. We're doing uniforms. Why would those be the only options? I don't, that doesn't make any sense.

Why, you should at least be able to go off to? I don't, that doesn't make any sense. Why, you should at least be able to go off to the side with it, right? Yeah. Thank you. That's what I'm sure it's versus for us. This would 100% work though, because like, if some dude wanted to fight me and then he like rigged up his dick so it was tied to the mizzen mass, like a sailor in his storm, like I would concede immediately.

Yeah. Yeah. Or fear. I would concede immediately. Yeah. Payment or fear. I guess. Right. I want to dig spinically. Okay. The fighting stance looks pretty traditional. Left foot forwards.

You could jab with the weaker hand and then you could cock back the right to perform the right cross with the power hand. The weight was mostly distributed on the rear leg, allowing you to kick easier with the front foot or use the knee to block low kicks. Kicking was an important part of the fighting and someone adapted kicking could easily use the skill to carry them onto victory. Doesn't sound like it was the preferred way to win though, as some of the commentary at the time praising kicking is sarcastic. One of the most prolific writers in antiquity, Galen jokingly mentions in one of his works that they gave the pancreation prize to a donkey because he was so adept at kicking.

It's always one guy doing the leg sweep over and over and over and over. And then the guy in the side put him in a body bag of magnet on, on, and a butt. That doesn't ring. It looks like a liver kick was alive and well back then. To those not familiar, one of the techniques of disabling someone in a combat sport is to kick the upper right quadrant of the abdomen, to strike the part of the body that houses the liver. If done correctly, it basically incapacitates the opponent.

It punches or it kicks the fight right out of them. So the front kick was a popular technique encountered by side stepping and kicking the attacker in the leg or just grabbing his leg and using that for like a single leg take down. That's fine, but like the double leg take down his way more effective. I don't know why you. Heath, have you been training for Panko bread crumbs the entire time by telling us like being a cop?

Yes. Okay. They used arm locks like the modern arm bar or the Camora where one fighter bends the other fighters arm behind their back, putting the shoulder in distress. They would do full rear naked jokes, which really makes a lot of sense when you consider the uniform lag locks, which stress the knees and the ankles were also popular and also a way to get your pono to submit the fighters incidentally signaled that they had enough when they stuck their index finger up in the air, like you're signaling a bartender to get another drink.

Okay. Now I'm picturing the referee being too busy chatting up some pretty 23 year old to notice me tap out and I get strangled to that. I know it's just you can't see her belly button, but please, please. I'm just picturing art. Jimerson trying to do the one finger with the mittens on like, damn it. Will you on the other bar? We all

give you the other. In modern MMA rules, you're not allowed to just grab someone else's trachea or gouge it with your hand. Chokes in modern MMA are not actually cutting off the air supply to the victim, but instead cutting off the blood supply to the brain and thus rendering them unconscious safety. It's safe. But in pancreation, in pancreation, you could just reach out and pluck a mother fucker's atom, hepple. And they, they had this was not a life get to hit it back. It's like that scene and fucking like road.

They all said another factor in the fight, which was the sun. So one of the strategies of the fighters was just to try to get the opponent facing the sun and always have their own back to it. Interesting. All right, well, Seasons got us all rethinking about our own tactics here, so I think we're Not it. Good evening, brave combatants, and welcome to the first ever Pachinko tournament. Ho ho ho ho ho! Indeed, now, I shall be your referee, of course, a few rules. You may punch and kick, but no biting or eye gouging.

For if you do, I shall slip you with this trick. Do you all understand me? Errrr, errrr, errrr. And you also know a taking of the genitals. Toe locks are allowed, but teeth locks are not. Should I catch you employing one, I shall slip you with this thick. If you wish to, you'd place a finger up like so. And I should slip your opponent with a sick to signal that the match is over. Okay. Sorry, but yes, the big, burly man bird is the big. No, it's Nick. Name's neck. You say so. You had a question. Yeah, it just

seems like this is less of a manly fighting contest. We're really have a chance for you to slap us with sticks. That's it. Slap us with sticks. Thank you. Everything is slabbers. They don't be silly. This is the main list. It's brutal sport in history. And the sticks are merely to keep your wild impulses at bay. You will be filled with such blood lust as you tassel that this is my only possible means of interception. Oh, man.

That's terrible. That's fine, man. Let's tie your four skins to your buttholes and we'll be ready to begin. What? Seriously, you need uniforms. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ And we're back. When we last left off season was inadvertently pointing out that he'd given way more thought to how best to kill us in one-on-one combat than we've given to

how to survive said combat. Not sure if that was his intent. Not sure was the outcome. Anyway Cecil, you have the floor you can talk about any any damn thing you want, buddy. You do some angles, bud. Huh? Let's talk about some of the famous pancreasian fighters. Sure. Milk money.

You want? What? Blow job. I want to say. Well, now we've got a pause. What the hell? Now we got to wait. God, man, he still give you a pause. What the hell are we going to wait?

God, man, he still give you a blowjob. Yeah. So I want to start out by saying, I'm not fucking Greek. I have no idea how to pronounce this stuff. So tweet at someone else and you're boring fucking pronunciation comments that you're going to tweet at us with. Yeah. And before you can play and keep in mind, they could have let me pronounce these names. Exactly.

And keep in mind how much thought he's given to like one-on-one combat techniques. Exactly. So the first guy is the agonies of Thesos. He was supposed to have some legendary strength who's so strong that at age nine, carried home a bronze statue. No comment on how big that

statue actually was. Oh, he was. I know. That was a big. I was like, I did it back too. Yeah. Like it's a size of like an Oscar and like everyone's like, uh, the agonies was an Olympic pancreation combatant. One in that sport as well as many others. Years against the Olympian, decided to scourge it. Well, it fell on the guy and he died. And then they put the statue on trial and found a guilty and threw it into the sea. Only they only retrieved it though, because an oracle said it a bad omit. Say what you will about the NFL, they've yet to have a player kill someone after they die. Second place. You know, as a nation founded on Greek ideals, I know we're supposed to venerate ancient Greek logic, but like when a society declares a statue guilty of murder and it angerly drowns that statue before them thinking better of it to avoid bad luck,

it does make me begin to question some things. So Tom, three years ago, we did a whole episode on America carrying out capital punishment on a fucking elephant and your beginning to question those things. It was alive. Uh, another famous fighter was Cleedomakos. He wound up winning both boxing and the pancreation events at two consecutive Olympics in two 16 and two 12 BCE. Yeah, two 16 BCE was Olympiad, negative CCXVI.

Yeah. You know what they were counting down for. He won the pancreation event at another big Olympic like event three times. And yet in another, he won the wrestling boxing and pancreation events all in the same day. The fighter was praised by later writers because of his temperance and they claimed that this was the reason he excelled at sports. He was so dedicated to quote, absences from sex saying that he would even avert his eyes if he saw two dogs coupling and quote, really? Okay, watching dog mating,

I guess that's why I didn't become a pro athlete. I was obsessed with all the other stuff you mentioned. So I feel like the secret to a success in the ring is just having a fucking iron rod boner and tomato sized balls. Right? Get too close and he just squirt some away. This next one is some tall tail ship, but it's hilarious. So I included it. Politimus of Skotusa. I don't know, whatever. He's just a gigantic dude.

Supposedly he killed a lion with his bare hands like hair, clease, and he stopped a runaway chariot at a full gallop, which is pretty easy. If you have the reins, but they don't actually specify that. Yeah, what size was the statue again? Yeah. Also what size was the lion? Maybe it was like a little lion. It's easier.

The younger it is. Got a dick move really. He was a champion pancreasian fighter. And one summer, he's hanging out with his friends in a cave when the roof, the roof collapsed. Anyway, he got, he was such a bad ass. He could just reach up and hold it up his own strength and he was squished. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, actually turns out the absent guy was one that was load bearing. That's such a good joke. That's such a good joke. That's such a good joke. That's such a good joke. That's such a good joke. That's such a good joke. That's such a good joke.

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no longer had the strength to pull the string back. So he quote lit a fire and through himself alive into it. Jesus. Yeah. You're Peloton actually starts recommending the same thing if you haven't used it. Yeah. The Zippus was so fucking good at his sport that at one of the Olympic games, no one challenged him. He won by default. His exploits in the

sport were known far and wide. Later on, after he'd quit fighting, he attended a banquet, put on by Alexander the Great. The problem was that the Macedonians thought they were all better fighters than Dezipus. So they jawed him and they mocked him. One of the soldiers, Caragas, got super drunk and challenged him to a duel. And Alexander the Great tries to separate them and tries to stop the fight, but they went on with it because literally every other person there wanted it to happen. Okay. I was about to get mad if it didn't happen. The bout was scheduled out and the day of the fight comes. The Macedonian Caragagas, came to the fight in full armor.

He had a full bronze shield, a pike in one hand, javelin in the other. He also had a sword on his hip and a scabbard. De-azippus comes with a purple cloak in his hand, a big club in the other and he's naked as a japer, but he did take time to slather oil all over his naked body. Wow. Didn't even wear the fucking four-skin scrunchy, huh? He just walks up to the fight, starts locking eyes with the other guy while he uses the club to spread the oil on and then throw us the club with.

Oh my God, I'm starting with the kids just in oil club, oh shit. Arm of fight starts. Oh my gosh, the handle is just an oil clobo. Shit. Arm of fight starts glass and honey and he just slotted himself. He's the brother. The kickboxing. But different. Yeah, not like.

Yeah. And Caragas throws the javelin at the zippus, which he'd like easily dodges. DeZippus lunges forward before the guy can put the pike in his fighting hand and he shatters it with the club. Grab's double under hooks as the surprise Macedonian tries to draw his sword and then drops the guy in the ground. He then takes away all his weapons, stands up, puts his foot on his throat, but he stopped

from killing him by Alexander the Great who ends ends the contest declaring de-Zipus the winner. After it was all over, the shame Macedonians conspired to frame de-Zipus by hiding a golden cup in his bed and accusing him of thevery. He said that he was set up in a letter to Alexander and then he killed himself by falling on a sword and disgrace. Shatters as he falls onto it. Shit. Okay, where's the pipe guy?

I have a weird favor to ask him. He's so greasy. He just slips to one side than the other. Just slide. Yeah. Let's do the honey. We'll use the honey. Last one's my favorite.

Rickian was a pancreation champion in the 52nd Olympics and in 572 BCE. He returned to the next Olympics and defended his title, made it to the finals against another fighter. During the fight, the other fighter grabbed him his legs around his torso and started choking his neck with his arms. Rickian, while being actively choked, attacked the man's foot. And in one account broke his ankle. The man forced to submit. And when they come over to congratulate the champ, they find he died from the choke after

his opponent had been submitted. But he won. They gave him the gold medal. And I have no idea how they weekended, it burning him up to the diocese. All right. So if you had to summarize what you'd learn in one sentence, what would that sentence be, Cecil? Taking on all comers has nothing to do

with clenching your foreskin closed to the leather scraps. But if you, maybe, Oh, sorry, are you ready for the quiz? I'm ready to take a pounding. All right, Cecil, the Greeks were absolutely not fucking around and they fed their warriors appropriately. What was the Greek pancreas fighters favorite food? A, the club sandwich.

B, fair, broiled pike. All right. See, asparagus spears, or D, death by chocolate. I wonder if these are like rock paper scissors, like club beats pike or something. I got to go with asparagus spears. This is the one that made a heat chuckle. So I like very healthy, very healthy. Good choice, my friend. All right, Cecil.

So obviously these fights were basically just aggressive sex with a trophy. Which of the following is the best dad joke I just made up about martial arts porn? Hey, Mung Fu hustle. Be drunk in master aerobations. See? Crouching tiger hidden dragon. in Foo hustle. He drunk in master aerobations. See it? We're crotching tiger hidden dragon. We pun tang sudo.

Tang sudo is a style of hand. E, grondle in the Bronx. Two girls, one, couple, heira. They're all very good. You're, you're, you're, you're shit on yourself here, but I got to say off two girls, one cup, oh, where are. Well done. That is correct.

All right. Cecil. What's a good name for a prank ration fighter? Jesus. Hey, out your mind. Outch of my knees Play to We're see that okay, I like Aristotle Three of them are very good, but outch of my Sounds like he like just one who would you like to hear that say from next week? Tom, I want Tom to do an essay.

Yeah, wait. Well, for seasonal Eli Heath and Tom, I'm Noah, they ain't even bragging out with us today. We'll be back next week and by then Tom will be an expert on something else. Between now and then, you can hear more from Tom and Cecil on the Cognitive Disnance podcast. And you can hear more from Heath, Eli, and myself on the SkatingAtheist. God, off of movies, the Skeptocrat, D&D Minus, and if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash

citation pod, or leave us five star review everywhere you can. Actually, that's not an order, just do both. And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media, or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com. Hey, are you in here, man? Yeah.

Yeah. What do you want? What's going on? Hey, buddy, we just wanted to say that you did a great job out there and none of us expected Muppet Baby Miss Pig. You didn't know karate. Yeah, and hindsight, that's totally on us. Right.

Okay. Thank you. I feel like that's totally cheating, right? But you want to go get some ice cream? We got some ice cream. No, I should probably go to the hospital very. Yeah, that's very injured. We understand. Maybe ice cream after totally sprinkles. Salt and straw.