Citation Needed - Patron Saints

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

A patron saint, patroness saint, patron hallow or heavenly protector is a saint who in Catholicism, Anglicanism, or Eastern Orthodoxy is regarded as the heavenly advocate of a nation, place, craft, activity, class, clan, family, or person. Our theme song was written and performed by Anna Bosnick. If you’d like to support the show on a per episode basis, you can find our Patreon page here.  Be sure to check our website for more details.

Where am I? Oh, I'm... I'm dead? Yeah, yep, yep, that tracks. But since you're up here and your episode was actually about patron saints, would you like to meet a few of them? Oh, well, I was actually gonna ask about fuck stuff. But, you know, sure.

I guess that's a cool idea, yeah, let's do it. Hello. Wow. Hello, you are smudgy. Oh, yes. You're very smudgy. I'm Catherine of the ashes. I never bathed the washed my whole life because of my crippling mental illness and now I'm the patron saint of the poor

cool Seems actually a little troubling in context because you know He's okay, you're like a general. Yes indeed, Saint He's okay. You're like a general. Yes indeed, Saint Petronus. I've filled the streets of Istanbul with the blood of the infidel. There are brown skins where my trophies for the Lord. I cut their faces. Yikes again. Wow. Okay. That's um, that's honestly worse than the smelly girl. Um, sorry, God quick thing. Hell yes, yes. Is heaven just filled with crazy people who believe in you despite all the evidence and also genocidal maniacs doing your bidding? Is that like the whole thing?

I mean, there are also a few nuns. Oh, okay, like hot nuns? Or nope, nope. Okay, still. Hello and welcome to CitationNeeded, the podcast where we choose a subject we'd a similar article about on a Wikipedia and pretend we're experts because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm no one, I'll be this week's the liturgist, but to get through this genia flexion I need some extra supplicants.

None of those, that's not sexual by the way, it seems like all those words should be five words, but none of them aren't. They do. They're right. Anyway, also joining me this week are the patron saints of hating intellectual things and intellectually hating things, heath and top. I hate, I hate, yeah, fuck fuck, smart. Smart stuff's dumb.

You've done multiple episodes of the fuck books variety. I'm just an intellectual ballast over here. You do that. Not smarter, funny. I'm tall, cheese, and scotch. Cool. You're the second most attractive. And incess, don't forget.

I have another thing. Thank you. Thanks, yeah. I'll be here for you. I'm on my mom. Cool. And also joining us tonight are two men who wanted to be beatified because it losing a masturbation thing when you write it out

Cecil It does It does A lonely religious leader settled for touching themselves Yeah Or me Really, honestly No

And of course the real patron saints of this show are the patrons if you want to learn how to join their rest Be sure to stick around to the end of the show and with that out of the way tell a Cecil What person placed in concept phenomenon or event? Well, we'll be talking about today. Oh We're gonna talk about a list of Patron Saints. All right. Tell me I guess um Red is probably too strong a word here, but you consumed an article In a way are you ready to enlighten us? I have consumed and thoroughly digested my findings. I'm ready to baby bird them into our listeners' emails. Oh, so before we get there, why patron saints?

All right, so I grew up like just nominally Methodist, which basically means we went to church, we sang a couple of songs, we shook hands at some point in the middle, and we spent the rest of the service, pretty much on announcements for like, the upcoming summer picnic and the occasional pig roast. So because of this, I mentioned live my whole life,

only sort of vaguely aware of the idea of patron saints and holy relics. In fact, I never gave them a first, much less a second thought until I found out that the bones of the patron saint of Chastity were being paraded about at my local Catholic church a few years ago. But whenever the story of this patron saint of Chastity were being paraded about at my local Catholic church a few years ago. But whenever the story of this supposed saint, I was massively horrified.

And the more of these stories you read, the more like weird and fetishistic and violent it all seems and not at all in a sexy way. So naturally these elements of the macabre and the bizarre meant that this was a perfect story for Citation needed. Yeah. Can I just say as a person raised Jewish from an outside perspective, saints are definitely the weirdest thing you Christians have invented for yourselves, right?

Jews don't have a rabbi so good. He's now the forever rabbi of clinicians. I still think eating the flashes, the weirdest thing they come up with. But like it doesn't say about the fallacies, that they can do something as inherently creepy as parading around human remains creepily. Like you can imagine other people that were parading human marimans around looking at them and going, y'all are fucking weird.

You're making us look bad with our braiding of remains. I said for the uninitiated, a patron saint is, as I understand it, a dead person with a spectacularly tragic and or improbable story that gullible dipshit treat like a genre specific magic genie. Not just that, their bones are magic miracle machines, which is why they were weekend at burning. They want to eat a bowl of church. That's why they're doing it.

Or more realistically, they have the bone of a poor person who was buried in an unmarked grave in a solid gold display case, which is an awesome representation of the cat lecture. That's their fucking coat of arms. Absolutely. Now, there are patron saints for just about everything you can imagine. And I mean that there are patron saints for places, for ailments, for careers. There are patron saints for places and peoples that are lost antiquity.

And there are patron saints for things so modern and unneeding of protection that boggles the mind. There are as best as I can tell hundreds, if not maybe thousands of them. So many, in fact, I gave up reading the list long before I got halfway through it, but I would like to offer a few examples of some of the types of things that have their own patron saints from the first half of the list. Not quite. So there's a patron saint for protection against mice and another one for vermin.

Huh. Okay. So if you pray for the vermin one, but it turns out there's like a giant mouse attacking you, the vermin saint just like, all right, let it happen. It's a strong one. backing you the the Vermin Saint just like all right, let it happen. It's a wrong one. Yeah, that's not my section. And I'm on my 15. Well, similarly, there's a there's a patron saint for women giving birth and then another

for women in labor. There's one for birth pains. Uh, a saint for protection against birth complications. There's one for expect in labor. There's one for birth pains, a saint for protection against birth complications. There's one for expectant mothers and still another for wet nurses and one still more for breastfeeding. And then if you don't need any of those, there's one for barren women. There were not mine. Okay. So fun fact, if you call on saint. No Kids, she shows up day drunk and helps you plan a really fun vacation that you can afford. Sorry, I mean, I agree in everything, but for what it's worth, he's constantly talking about how little you regret your life choices is having the opposite of the effect you were hoping for.

Did whatever I wanted today, there is a patron saint for every state in the union. So I have no idea what's going on in this one. I looked it up. They're mostly Mary, but Mary, when she is seen in certain places, but also when she's a church, so like a patron saint of the world's most boring transformer, I guess. There's one for warehouses, yeah, who incidentally also the patron saint for New Jersey. Yeah, right. And for a very predictably moving henchmen, and ones that are really obvious where they're going. There is a patron saint for volcanic eruptions,

but not for protection. What? From volcanic eruptions. So I guess it's like pro volcanic eruptions. Is that one? There is a patron saint for protection from vanity and one that just is for venereal diseases. But again, not from protection from venereal diseases.

Fun fact, somebody was so desperate to prove that he didn't need that one, that those remains were literally auctioned off a couple of years back. That's 2011. We want it. You got the front just keeps his hand up the whole time. There are two patron saints for unattractive people.

Yeah, St. Filter of Instagram. Sure. Yeah. Also St. John's word. Well, I guess I need those patrons. You get the same patron six is number five number five. Now you get the same patron saint to protect you from typhus and typhoid, though those diseases have nothing in common at all.

There are two patron saints for protection against twitching. Even the patron saint of protection against acid reflux is looking down at the counter. The patron saint of twitching. Now, thieves get a patron saint, and so it is danger from thieves, and then another patron saint for theft itself, as I suppose like the concept.

This is confusing. And it's still another for danger from robbers. What? And then there's one for reformed thieves. Okay, so if there's thief stuff happening, all of them show up in like a five way slap fight with each other every time I understand. How that one works.

There's a patron saint of the internet and then one for chicken farmers. Yeah. And if you combine them, you get the patron saint of 4chan. It's a super deep cut about a Nazi, but the two people who get it will really get it. That's all I need. So tell us how awesome you got it. So telecommunications has a patron saint. So tell us tell us how awesome you got it. So telecommunications has a patron saint. Why rent a rank us to? We're in their checkered house. Please don't.

No, we've done that. We did it. It was good. It was good jokes. Good fun jokes. Call sideways. We all lost to Noah. It's fine.

Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. What are we on? Telecommunications has a patron saint, but it's somehow different than the patron saint of telephones. Well, it gets to be fair, communicating by phone call as at least as antiquated as patron saint's.

That's true. Now, if you get a stiff neck, there's a patron saint for that too. And there's a patron saint for stammering children that that patron saint's name is actually not car ballbless. It seems like a really cruel joke actually. No, I get it. It's like when you snatch the pebble from my hand situation. Protection from snakes. It gets a saint. Snake bites has a different snake, though, and snake bite victims has yet a third and poisonous snakes get their own as well.

Fox News has their own. That's a patron saint of slander. Right, he has stenographer as the patron saint of Bible. That's good. Now those who are sick, they get a saint, as do sick animals, and then the sick of Poland. They get a saint just for those guys. Shepherds, shepherds and sheep,

they all have different patron saints, as does lambs. There is a saint for drought and one for excessive rain, in case the first one got over excited solving the problem. Okay, they need a saint for stuff that's extra medium. drought and one for excessive rain in case, like the first one got over excited solving the problem. Okay. They need a saint for stuff that's extra medium. Right.

Like medium, extra medium stuff. It seems like. Prisoners, they have lots of options. If you're Italian, you get your own, if an Italian prisoner, you get your own saint. If not, there's one for general prisoners. Then there's one for criminals, one for the imprisoned, one for condemned criminals, as well as prisoners of war, political prisoners,

prison guards, and of course, Italian prison guards. And then one for the prisons themselves, and if you get away from that, there's also one for fugitives. Okay, if you guys don't agree to let me write a supernatural Heist movie about all those saints breaking Jesus out of jail, you do not deserve me. Wait, I think that's a nickname. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait poets, of course, have a saint, but Spanish poets have their own special saint.

Really? Oh, Tom, I hate to throw a correction in here, but are you sure that guy isn't just a saint for having made it through 100 years of solitude? Who's that? Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Okay, but. That's a Colombian author.

It's fine. But, but, but, like, for real, he's still like Spanish. All. Where's Colombia? Spain. But so, but for realsies, they're like, all of the Spanish nouns and an O or all like, everything rhymes in your fucking language. Spanish parents already have it so easy. They're fucking saint. There are no less than seven different patron saints

for people ridiculed for their piety of a pencil makers, they only get one. Huh, they could have a number two there. Ah! Ah! But seven saints to like beat up our job as a podcasters, where the fuck are they? Yeah, right.

Maybe they need a patron saint of patron saints who are fucking cowards. Right, right. Because we're asking for it. 10 patron saints exist for parents of large families because Catholics, if you had too much to drink, there is a patron saint for hangovers. The assumption of the Blessed Virgin

is the patron saint for harness makers. Well, let's go ahead and sort that one out. It's pretty rich. It is pretty rich that Gout gets nine patron saints. While syphilis just gets one, fireworks and fireworks manufacturers are protected by the patron saint Barbara, who is also the patron saint for Italian fireman I feel like she's padding or expense account Also gender reveal parties

And redundancy If you're afraid of wasps. There's a saint for that Not wasps, but specifically for the fear of wasps Hey, I wanted to rail us, but is there anyone who's not afraid of wasps? Are there heels walking around on the planet who are just like, Oh, look, it's one of those flying rage machines made out of needles, whatever. So I thought we were talking about white Anglo-Saxon Protestants up to this point and then the joke works the same way. Yeah, absolutely. No, no one's out afraid. about white Anglo-Saxon Protestants up to this point and then the joke works the same way. No, no one's out afraid.

Now, there's a patron saint for falling, though I guess you have to pray to them quite quickly. The pants on the height. Nine point eight Saint Peter's. There is a patron saint for and I'm not kidding, expeditious or prompt solutions against procrastination. That saying did not help me when I began writing this essay at midnight on a Friday. Okay.

But that one, I feel like that was an excuse, right? Like something's like, no, you stop procrastinating and get those reports finally. It's like I was actually praying to the saint of not procrastinating to make sure that I didn't It was I was being very honest with their bias There's a saint for excluded people. We should probably skip that one There are four patron saints for disappointing children There should be more Okay, and a few saints for people hearing about other people's disappointed people

who are going to have to have any way more. Fuck you. You're kids suck. Difficult marriages have 10 patron saints and they can't help, there are three for divorce. You get 10 patron saints of difficult marriages when you have zero saints of contraception. Otherwise, you have to Saints of contraception. Otherwise, you have to refer back to the Saints of disappoints and children. Exactly. A two patron Saints exist to pray to if you have clown problems or if you are a clown

and circus workers in general, they have one of their own. Anyone else picturing like a big bar fight in heaven between the last few saints over who gets to watch over the divorce clown whose parents hate him? A children themselves, they have lots of saints. There's one for kids learning to walk. There's one for kids late in learning to walk. There's a saint for illegitimate children

and then there's one for something called backward children. Those are the kids from Japanese horror movies with the hair in front of their face. Those were backwards children. Sure. Got it. There are only four for child abuse victims.

That seems like a Catholic undercount. Oh, Jesus. Somebody used to hook them up with that saint of not procrastinating. There is a patron saint to protect you from caterpillars. What were they gonna do? I don't have any idea. I have no idea. I've been cocooned in silk damage. But unfortunately for Eli, there is no patron saint for protection from the pop sound it makes when you open a biscuit tin. Well, there shouldn't be time.

I have an irritable bathroom. Okay. If there were Jewish saints, though, I mean, if that's a loop, me there would be there are so St. Pillsbury. There are so many more and obviously there's no way to dive into all of them. But I'm going to skim just the surface and tell you a few stories of some of these patron saints. So start with the St.

Vitas, though his backstory like many of these might be complete and utter bullshit. Well, these are all complete bullshit. And some of these guys might not have even ever existed, but is that minor detail of his torystity could not possibly matter any less today? We can begin our story around 380 with Vitas, who had evidently gained some significant notoriety for converting people and performing miracles. This got the attention of the administrator of Sicily who brought Vitas before him to try to shake his faith. And although the article I read doesn't say exactly what that means, it did cause Vitas to high tail it the fuck out of Sicily. So I'm guessing

it wasn't like a lively and spirited intelligence squared debate. I'm going to cut your head off as a real strong counter to the nobody would die for a lie apologetic. All right, man, so I'm gonna cut your head off and you'll go to eternal paradise and you'll be sainted as a glorious martyr and revered for generations to guy he's gone. You're welcome. I was offering sweet deal. So, if I just fled to Lucania first, and then continued on to Rome. Once in Rome, he heard that the son of the emperor

had been afflicted with evil spirits. New in town, and hoping to make new friends, Vitas cast out the evil spirits. The only sticking point was it used Christianity to do it, which is pretty controversial at that point in history. Naturally, Vitas' curing of the Emperor's son was immediately attributed to sorcery, which in turn meant that he had to be imprisoned and tortured. But since Vitis was so unflappable in his faith, none of the torture really stuck,

and after a while an angel rescued him from prison during a storm, and then he and the angel headed back to Lukiano, where he died, though not from the torture, something entirely unrelated. Okay, him curing the emperor's son from evil spirits was considered sorcery. What the fuck else could it have been, man? It's super natural problems require super natural solutions. It's pure spirits.

At the end. I hear Iver mectin really. That's it. It takes the edge off him. I hear Ivermectin really. I know. Makes the edge of him. Anyway, since Vitas was unshakable in his faith, he became not just a saint, but one of the, this is real. Fourteen Holy Helpers.

I was just described on Catholic.org as quote, a group of saints revered in early times as particularly aiding Christians, end quote, which I suppose assumes that all of the other saints are like ironically agnostic on who they help. Naturally, St. Vitus is the patron saint for dancers, actors and protection against storms. Okay. I feel like 11, 12, 13 and 14 fucking rigged. The 14.

Oh, yeah. Yes. And there were 10 or 10. I could have been 12, 12, what about a dozen? Yeah. It's like University of Michigan. We're a top 14 loss. Oh, thank you.

All right. Well, while we reflect on the fact that Tom felt the need to warn us up front that some elements of that story quote might be complete bullshit and quote. Let's put a little app for a poem of nothing. Alright brothers, I call this most holy order of finding a naming saint. May the Lord most high guide us. Amen. Alright. So what do we have this year?

How about a patron saint for keyboard cleaner? I love it! Throw a 14th century peasant on that one. And maybe one for drive away parking. What's drive away parking? You know, when there's like two free spots in a row, so you can't just drive through the one spot, pull right through. Oh, I love that.

Let's give that one for a Pope. Oh, what about a patron saint for Christmas trees? Oh, I already have one. A Christmas tree ornaments that. We got that one as well. How about a patron saint of that one Christmas ornament that you're really like and then you can't find it. You're like, oh, man, did we get rid of that last year?

But then you find it. You're like, oh, man, did we get rid of that last year? But then you find it. You're like, ah, nice, nice. Yes, pop it. I am so sorry, guys. Yes, brothers, seldom. The Catholic Church is already having trouble maintaining its relevance as it is. Easy thought of this a little bit.

A pointless and silly. I mean, I guess we could start working our way through these child rape accusations. Oh, you know, do we need as a patron saint a cat-trees? You know that they climb on and scatter. I love that, that's wonderful. We've read so manyder, so don't. I love it. I love it. Which state has the silliest name?

Oh man, this guy for sure. Because next up we have, we'll go for this will go Ford's. I know. I know. First I'll go up, read that as wiggle forts, which I like a little bit better. I'm gonna call wiggle forts now. That sounds amazing. Wiggle forts is absolutely a patron saint and currently venerated, but also quite assuredly didn't ever actually exist. Once to play wiggle for her. I would say yes. I would say yes.

Now I'll cover that in the last Catholics. We did that on the sketch. That was the end of the one on the sketch. No, plain wiggle for it. The legend of wiggle forts began in the 11th century and really is based on a painting, which was based on a wood carving. You see, most of the time paintings of Jesus depicted a dude in a loin is based on a painting, which was based on a wood carving. You see, most of the time paintings of Jesus

depicted a dude in a loin cloth on a cross, but there was a wood carving from the 11th century called the Holy Face of Luka, which depicted Jesus in a full length tunic. As the wood carving was copied, it moved about and translated from wood carving into a painting, a story began to emerge to explain why Jesus looked like he was wearing a dress

and the story of Wiggle Fordus was born. Tom, if you're about to tell me that Wiggle Fordus is Jesus' drag name, I am Catholic! Now, right, this very sad, you hear me, I am a devout Catholic. Even if you have to pronounce it, a will go for it is or whatever, yeah. Do you still change? The story's often said in Portugal, and the story is that Wiggle Forts was a teenage noble woman whose father was set to marry her off to a Muslim. The problem being that Wiggle Forts was Christian, so she needed an escape round.

To evade her pre-arranged marriage, Wiggle Forts took a vow of virginity and then prayed for God to make her just super duper ugly. The next morning, she woke up with a full beard, just like Jesus used to have. And her would-be husband took one look at his bearded betrothed

and nope the fuck out of the engagement. Will Gifordas' father in a rage had his daughter crucified. Oh. Thus explaining the wood carvings of Jesus wearing a tunic. Now, lots of people painted this nonsense because it was a long time ago and fun hadn't been invented. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Wilgophortis, despite never having existed ever,

is venerated as the patron saint of women seeking to leave abusive marriages relief from tribulations and is frequently cited as the patron saint of those who are transgender or gender fluid and weirdly her dad is the patron saint of terfs. That sounds right. He's just yelling up and, well, if you think about it, I'm the one being crucified here. You see what they wrote about me on Twitter? I am suffering. Now, remember that a lot of these guys were made saints because really insanely awful shit happened to them. Yeah, I know after the story of the girl who chose crucifixion over a forced marriage to an abusive husband, I'd almost forgotten that. Thank you. That's a good way to keep you up. That's good. All right, so take St. Erasmus. In the third and fourth centuries

the Romans were persecuting the Christians and his luck would have it. That meant Erasmus. And sometime in the late 200s, Erasmus was captured by the Romans though fairly quickly like an angel showed up and then broke them out. But the reprieve would not last long. He's re-arrested. Authorities decided a rasmus deserved rather extreme punishment for having that angel hookup before. So he was beaten and whipped.

That sounds terrible. But then they put him in a barrel lined with spikes and then they rolled him down a hill like a high speed cheese wheel. Jesus. Then he was, I thought he'd like that. He was taken out of the bed. It's a real sport. It's a real sport. It was ridiculous. Then he was taken out of the barrel, covered in pitch and set on fire. And when this still did not kill him, his stomach was cut open and his intestines were winched

from his body. Yeah. Now it turns out that part is really bad for you. Mm-hmm. So that's how we became the patron saint of stomach ailments, collic, and appendicitis. Sounds more like the patron saint of factory farming, if you ask me.

Ha, ha, ha, okay. I don't care how painful or horrific it actually was. There's no way you don't smile at some point during the trial of the barrel of bounce point. Right. Look, if you never go, we let that, that is because you have chosen to refuse to give him that satisfaction. Right.

Now, some of these other stories are even less coherence or possibly miraculous. Take the story of St. Servesius in the year 384. Servesius died of a leg woundveysius in the year 384. Surveysius died of a leg wound because he got into the year 384 Yep, that's it That's the whole story a priest got an infection from a wound before people understood soap and water Okay, he got like a mosquito and scratch to run on the flight

and Okay, he got like a mosquito and scratched too hard on the plane. Right. And he fucking died. And then something, something now he's the patron saint of foot and leg disorders, rheumatism, and for some reason, protection against mice and rats. He's just appearing to everyone with his Pirell. He changed. It's like, oh shit, you okay? You already heard about this too. It's about like so.

I feel redundant. Okay. Now, I mentioned my list at the beginning that circus workers have their own patron saint. This is a guy named Julian the Hospitaler. Julian was born literally cursed. Well, not literally because curses are a ridiculous fiction, but still that's the story. The curse was Edible is all hellin' that he was faded by this curse to kill his parents.

That's as Julian didn't wanna kill his parents, he did the only logical thing. And he took a walk that lasted 50 days. I guess once he got tired of force gumping his way around, he decided to marry a wealthy widow and become a knight and live his life a 50 days walk away from his parents house All right nice and so shit did I tell them never to take a walk I um It's probably fine

Only thing is that his parents were really confused about where the hell their son had gone So they kept looking for him and eventually they found him at his castle. Kind of. You see, Julian was out hunting when they got there, but his wife was really excited to meet her in-laws and she'd invited them in and an adjuster of hospitality offered her new in-laws the master bedroom. And since they had traveled such a long way, the parents hopped in a bed for a nice nap to wait for their son to return home from hunting. Okay, this sounds like the origin of the patron saint of 80s sitcoms.

So far, right? And now reading from Threes Company. But Julian was like a super fragile hothead. And so when he got home and he opened the bedroom door, he thought the body's in his bed, meant that someone was banging his wife. And so he killed both his mother and his father, fulfilling the prophecy or curse or whatever nonsense.

Oh, I thought he was gonna fuck him for sure. That's so much better. And different from maybe you sit past. Yeah, true. So now when his wife came home and saw that Julian had just committed both matricide and patricide and also might have some serious jealousy and trust issues. Right.

She insisted if they just dedicated their lives from that moment on to good work, that God would forgive. Where's a good patron saying a difficult marriage is when you need one, you know? Right? Even just the patron saying of like counting to ten. So Julian and his wife went on a pilgrimage to Rome and there they opened a hospice. Julian took up a job as a ferryman for Crusaders trying to cross a dangerous river. One day a leper appeared looking for a ride on the ferry and Julian took the leper in and

let him sleep on his bed. The leper turned out to be an angel, like playing undercover CEO. And he forgave Julian for his double murder, though eventually thieves would murder Julian and his wife as they slept in their bed full circle. And now you know the story of the patron saint of circus workers. Yep. And juggling. That was the thing. Oh, and also he is the patron saint of circus warriors. Yep. What? And juggler. What? That was the thing. Oh, and also he is the patron saint of murderers,

because that's a thing. They get a saint. I make way more sense than the juggler thing. I feel like that combo could get awkward though. Hey Julian, how's it going? Meh. eh. Little say-me, you know what I'm saying? What do you mean you're a saint?

How can using your god magic to help people get see-me? Oh, well, it's because of my, like, topic thing. It's just like, you know, help me get away with the murder. Forgive me, help me get away with the murder. You know, it's just like that over and over. Sure, because of murderous, yeah. Yeah. How about this one? He wants to be taken seriously at Cloud College. help me get away with the murder. You know, it's just like that over and over. Sure, because the murderers, yeah.

How about this one? He wants to be taken seriously at Cloud College. Ah, I don't say I'd rather help the murderers. That's fair. That's fair. Alright, so I will leave you with the fucked up story that started this journey for me. The youngest Catholic saint is St. Maria Garet, as a girl who was murdered at the age of 11.

Now, I think you could tell a lot about a person or their culture by learning of their heroes. So, keep that in mind when I tell you this story. This is a Catholic hero. Maria Garedi was born a farming village in Italy in 1890. She was, it appears, very poor, and led an uneventful 11 whole years of her life until her 20 year old neighbor tried to rape Maria Fawher would be rapist and protested that God would object to a rape, which her neighbor and rapist responded by stabbing her 14

times. She got up and tried to run to the door, but she got stabbed three more times before collapsing to the door, but you got stabbed three more times before collapsing to the floor unconscious. The aristocrats. I just love that you got 14 stabs in and she's like, you know, this is the first six or seven. I wasn't really, this is the trouble summit. This is when I should run when the mime does this aristocrat. Let's give you guys. Let's give you guys. It's gonna be it. Now, all this noise woke others in the house,

who took Maria to the hospital for her wounds, where she had surgery without anesthesia. Halfway through the procedure, this insane exchange supposedly took place, I copied and pasted it. No, it didn't. Quote, the pharmacist said to her, Maria, think of me in paradise.

She looked at him and said, well, who knows which one of us is going to be there first? You, Maria, you replied. Well, Jesus, then I will gladly think of you. Jesus Christ. Hey, Christ, the pharmacist, what did we say that to our patients here? We're gonna die before you.

We had a whole meeting. Oh my goodness. What did we say that? I tell you patience. We're gonna die before you. We had a whole meeting. She's like, she's alive and bleeding to God. I don't think that the spoilers were the creepiest part of that exchange. You're the honest man. Also Chris, you could just give us the pills and let me see in the video. He's still here. He's point to the bottle.

I can count. We're both labeled. So the next day Maria woke up again. point to the bottle I can count. So the next day Maria woke up again, long enough this time to forgive her neighbor, we're trying to rape and murder her, and she hoped that she would see him in heaven. Is there a patron saint of videos? Then this 11 year old girl died. And not long after the attack, her neighbor was arrested. And he reported that Maria visited him in his dreams and gave him lilies that burnt up when he touched them and then forgave him. And then they had dream communion together.

Huh. Yeah. I don't think those are the type of lilies that are forgiveness. Lilies that burn. Yeah, and that seems like that's ominous. And your actual stator. Yeah, stabs a murder or rape heaps dream. Like that's not a good dream. Okay, but you guys are probably missing the good part. Okay, you see, tell us. I did too at first, but you know, the thing is guys, she didn't get raped.

So she had me, she died of virgin. This is very important stuff. It's the most important. Yes. Since lots of people testified to her virginity to the Catholic church. So in 1950, no shit half a million people gathered while Pope Pius the 12th canonized an 11 year old girl for being murdered before she got raped. And he declared her quote, the St Agnes of the 20th century.

Maria is the youngest person to be made a saint and is the patron saint of Chastity. What the fuck? Okay. Okay, I feel like St. John Bune. Oh, I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared.

And from time to time, her bones covered in wax are trotted out and they tour the country so that massive crowds of people can celebrate the murder of a fifth grader who wasn't raped barely. As long as that's not the last story to wrap up our comedy show. And if you had to summarize, what would it be? Fun fact about fatty article. When you wish a panna saint, it's often really problem. Yeah. Yeah.

More are you ready for the quiz, sir? Yeah, can't get worse than the last story. I'm not saying it's often really problem. Yeah. Yeah. More of it. Are you ready for the quiz, sir? Yeah, I can't get worse than the last story. All right, Tom. The cast members of this show were canonized. What would be the Patron Saints of? Hey, Noah, the Patron Saints of yelling at a computer. I'll take the Cecil, the Patron Saints of jogging.

Oh, fine. That's why I missed this. This is good. Yeah, yours is really rough. Yeah, you saint of jogging. Oh, fine, that's why I missed this. This is good. Yeah, yours is really rough. Yeah, you're a jogger. Yes, it's good. You're jogger. See, three, two, by the way.

You want to sweat the mom? See, yeah, sure, my mom's dead. I don't care. I don't, I don't understand where I am in this bit. See, what was the patron saint of monologues delivered on a wind swept dock? Keith and I, the patron saint of bitch dets. Oh, she's got a seat. That's tough.

That is tough. I mean, obviously, I should monologue about C, but I'm just going to go and guess it. It's C. It's got C. I feel like I have to see. Oh, no, it's C. It's C just gonna go and guess it. It's C, it's got C. I feel like it has C. Oh, no, it's C. It's C. No, I'm sure it was gonna be C.

It's C. It's C. All right, well, indeed Eli didn't say I was the patron saint of tall. So we have for me in your face, Eli. Anyway, new question. What would Eli be the patron saint because we didn't do that yet? Hey, nothing Jewish.

I'm playing golf. Covenant's in restrictions apply. It's correct. It's persona. Everybody's persona, everybody. So it's the antagonism persona. Just to be right. Not the white supremacist persona. It's the antagonism we got.

Tom Thomas Moore, I look this up as the patron saint of politicians. So I imagine requesting his aid would be the liar's prayer. What's the technical name in the Catholic church of that liar's prayer. What's the technical name in the Catholic church of that liar's prayer? A, vest version, B, Benediction Arnold, C, Oh, it's also so good. Votive fraud or D, gas litany.

Oh shit, gas litany. Boom, it's gas litany. It is, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's not it's a it's voted fraud It did not matter whether he got the answer right or wrong you were gonna be the winner based on All right Noah you get to go next All right, well for Cecil Tom Eli and Heath, I'm no a thank you for hanging out with today We're gonna be back next week and by then I'll be an expert on something else between now and then you can hear more from us on next. and if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out our past episodes, connect with some social media or check the show notes, be sure to check out citationpod.com. Where, where am I?

Oh, hey, yeah, you're in heaven, and I'm your patron saint, Ethan, right? Welcome to heaven, I guess. A saint, he, then, right? I don't remember a saint, he, then, right? Oh, yeah, that's because um Technically, I'm saying um uh, Saint bitch I'm sorry who? I'm saying bitch. I'm saying bitch hits. I'm the patron saint of bitch hits. Oh

Nice. Is there a carving station up here? Yeah, yeah, there's a there's a carving station, but you wanna wait for Tony, he's the generous cutter. Nice.