Citation Needed - Penis Size

Episode Date: December 6, 2017

The most accurate measurement of the size of a human penis can be derived from several readings at different times since there is natural minor variability in size depending upon arousal level, time of day, room temperature, frequency of sexual activity, and reliability of measurement. When compared to other primates, including large examples such as the gorilla, the human penis is thickest, both in absolute terms and relative to the rest of the body.

Yeah, hello best friend. It's Eli. I mean, God. What do you want? Can you buzz me in? Just tell me from there. I'm not gonna buzz you in. Okay, so I was thinking since today's episode is about penises. I know. Uh-uh, no, I quit the show. Okay, one, that's the second of all, I was thinking maybe. No, no, no, no, no, whatever you're about to say, it's a hard no. Go away. I'm gonna call security just go away.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, who is that? Was Eli gross. Yeah, I know only pretty sure I did a dick out I call security. Great. So you guys wanna do a half hitch, Jack? What about a bowline?

You know, I was thinking sheepshank. Ooh, good call. Oh, I like that. That's a good one. That's fun. Okay, yeah, sheepshank it is. This is why we're all best friends. Great day.

Ty and Dickknot, so fun. Best friends forever. Best friends forever. Ah! Ah! Hello and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about our Wikipedia and pretend we're experts. Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now. I'm Cecil, and I'll be a nurse ratchet this week, but I won't be flying over the

kukus nest alone. First up, welcome the guy who recreationally throws sinks out windows in the orderly that slept through it all all Tom and Heath. Okay, that's kind of shitty. It's called a strong man competition. And it is a legitimate sport to test the efficacy of steroids. Exactly, Tom. Exactly.

And I was testing the efficacy of Scotch and marijuana. They passed. You're welcome. Society. And also joining us tonight, two guys that would fake being crazy just for the drugs, Noah and Eli. Cecil, I know your wife has left you jaded to this message, but seriously, I'm not faking. And I will prove you wrong by stopping taking my medication. Dude, don't do that seriously.

I feel brave. Yeah. That may be one of the worst things we've done. Like right there, a little piece right there. We want to take a minute before we start to thank the amazing people who give us money. It's through your large ass and generosity that this show goes on week after week for its literal dozens of fans. You'd like to learn how to become a patron and share the magic of this podcast with up to one other person.

You should stick around to the end of the show. And with that, I'll tell us Eli, what person plays thing, concept phenomenon or event. We'll be talking about today. We'll be talking about human penis size. He's so cool. Well, most downloaded episode here we talk. And he, you must have taken a lot of fluffing breaks and changed rulers a few times.

Are you ready to extend this very short article using herbal supplements? Ah, hold on, I just found out local singles in my area wanna fuck this. This looks promising. Oh, hold on. I just, I just found out local singles in my area want to fuck this. This looks promising. Sorry, what? He's tell us about human penis size. Okay.

Let's get started with this very special episode about the penis. This is like the Jesse Spano taking caffeine pills episode of Save My Malibu. It's important because lots of people seem to think they know what's a good size for a penis, but they are ignorant anti-cultidic jerks about all the relevant details. Like, for example, to what extent all the dimensions matter? Well, today we're going to set the record straight

and make sure everyone has their facts right. Yeah, I like the way this is starting out. Just argue, meditive and defensive out of the gate. Oh, yeah, it's fitting. Unlike my penis. It's fitting. Fake news. Oh, sorry, I was just thinking of a hashtag from when we posted.

What we did when we talked about? All right. So I'll start us off by pointing out that an accurate measure of penis size is going to require multiple readings at different times to account for all the variability based on things like arousal, time of day, how many times I already jerked at that day, and the fact that I was in the pool and the water was cold. It's lots of factors is what I'm saying. So this episode is basically going to be the perfect representation of atheism. Four white guys sitting around explaining why women are wrong about our dicks being small.

Right? That's what we're doing. I'm a baby that I just want to say this is what we're doing. This episode is just going to be a doctoral thesis on its cold in here, isn't it? She's a good doctor. Hey. Weird if it's so cold, why are my balls so saggy? You know, all right, listeners.

Now you could turn off the episode now, of course. Yes. But then the last thing you'd be left with was Tom sagging balls, just hanging out in your brain. I'm just saying we're in this deep already. Obviously none of us are going to go much deeper. I just turned off the episode. You might as well just relax.

It's it'll be over soon. That's what I'm saying. Might as well just relax. It'll be over soon. That's the fine print on Harvey Weinstein's business. Oh, oh, oh, oh. So what's like a normal length penis size? Asking for a friend.

Great question, Cecil. Great question. I'm the friend. Almost like you took the rhetorical question I wrote for you in the rough draft and made that into a segue in this part, even though I put it earlier in the thing and you switched it anyway. According to a recent meta-study of the most reliable research. Overselling the great research, fantastic research, the best research.

This is the best research ever. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Very bigly research. The average length of an erect human penis is approximately 5.17 inches. Give or take two thirds of an inch or what I like to call 13.12. Give or take 1.66. That's in centimeters, but you don't have to announce the units. You're allowed to say a number.

People can assume what they want. They can learn the fucking hard way. Right. Just to be clear, we're measuring to announce the units. You're laughing the same number. People can assume what they want. They can learn the fucking hard way. Right, just to be clear, we're measuring from under the butt, right? That's where you start. You can start wherever you want. Oh, but I feel like I just want to go back to that number. I don't think we're factoring in children here.

Yeah. On this, right? I just say, and this is too long, the 26% of the male population isn't being represented here. That's agism. All right. Let's go back and refigure those numbers. Me and Noah have the same objection for the same reason.

Don't bring up children here to sell them up a new can of worms. Well, yeah, no, I didn't focus on the erections of children as much as no one else wanted. That was a given. That was a given. Okay, so let's get some historical perspective. It turns out that each culture has its own set of perceptions and opinions about penis size. For example, based on Renaissance art,

we can see that in places like ancient Greece, a small penis was seen as the most desirable. That's also the origin of some of the greatest thinkers in history, just for the record, ancient Greece, yeah, a smart fuckers. I know you used it in like the first episode, but I'm going to need that time machine for some reasons. Whenever I do historical recreation, my costume is flawless, absolutely flawless. It gives a whole new perspective to philosophy, doesn't it? Sockgees drops his pants and he's like, ah, but, but I got this whole theory about me and maggots. So.

No. No. So yeah, ancient trees, they were into the small vicks, but the culture of ancient Rome, on the other hand, tended to prefer a large penis, often a cartoonishly large penis, in fact. The Romans loved a big erection so much that they took the Priapus character from Greek mythology and elevated him from simply a minor fertility god and made him into

a major figure in their porn industry that they had. Priapus is now known for his erections that last longer than four hours and he's the origin of the medical term, Priapus. Yeah, and not unrelated and not at all true note, Rome, strangely matriarchy. Yeah, just a bunch of large tech, Emperor Hillary Clinton. Yes, so all that being said, regardless of each culture's opinion on Dick's size, there's a general trend among penis havers to underestimate the size of their own penis relative to the average, even though lots of them are actually a good

size. And it says so right here on the internet. So thank you, he's validating. That is real. You're right. Yes, exactly. So this can happen for a number of reasons, including the foreshortening effect of looking down on your own penis instead of a more objective side view. So that's one of the reasons. Also from seeing all the unrealistic dicks in porn or from the accumulation of fat at the base of the penis or man-fupa. That fat upper penis area point being situation is unfortunate because perceived penis size and self-esteem are often linked

That shit is ridiculous. I cry myself to sleep at night because I'm human garbage my small penis has very little to do Really, I mean, it's just a small problem tiny really Problem and yet Tom your penis is exactly why I crime myself to sleep We're not at works. You know, no, sometimes those disconnection ads in the personal just don't work out Or maybe they will in time Posting an open body. Listen to some story course. He's so seriously Keep posting an open body. Listen to some story course, Cecil. Seriously, fuck off.

Yeah. All right. Well, speaking of penis perceptions, the obsession with size has actually led to psychological problems in many societies throughout history. Specifically, the fear of a shrinking penis has led to a form of mass hysteria called penis panic. Yep. That's a real thing. Yep. Yeah, you're telling me. has led to a form of mass hysteria called penis panic. That's a real thing.

Yep. Yeah, you're telling me, huh? So penis panic is also known as genital retraction syndrome, shrinking penis, clever one, or coro. And it's listed in the DSM-5. It's a real, real thing. And if you're skeptical about doctors and their fancy science books, Koro even has

its own Wikipedia article. I checked it out. And Koro is described as, quote, a culture-specific delusional disorder in which an individual has an overpowering belief that one's genitalia are retracting and will disappear. I'm close. It's like a stupid mess retracting and will disappear. I'm close. It's like a stupid thing. It's not only about the penis either.

Some cases involve fear about the shrinking and disappearing of the vulva and or the nipples. Also, what the way? I do that with just hair on my body. So everything can't see anything. My way, like, disappear forever or just get, you know, a little shot. Yes. What's got to coax it out? What's a Beijing?

Come on, buddy. You're gonna do it. I gotta be a big boy. You come up here. Just treat me. Be a medium-sized boy. I have to point out it's actually worse than he's suggesting. There are men like in these cultures with penises that insist their dicks are missing because

of which stole them. And you can point and say that. What is that right there? They're saying I don't see anything like they are so deluded by cultural biases that at a certain point they cannot even see the dick right in front of them. Which is why General Kelly still goes to work every day, by the way. So, you know, we're recording this in advance. I wonder if I should take that again, just in case he's not, by the time this comes out. I feel like it's a stick to your gun situation.

Like, you bring the guys over and you accuser of stealing your penis and everyone's like, all right, let's see, you're not penis and then you pull your pants down. And what do you do? You double down, right? You just double. You double down. All right. So getting back to the details of penis size, let's not lose track of the topic here.

I like we're getting off the rails. In terms of length, the penis can be measured in three different ways, while flaccid, obviously, while flaccid and stretched, or while erect. At each state has its own average number. According to the meta-study mentioned earlier, the average for flaccid is 3.6 inches, or stretched flaccid, it's 5.21 inches, and for erect, it's 5.21 inches. And for a wreck, it's 5.16 inches. Now, notice that stretched flaccid was actually longer than a wreck. So point being in terms of enjoying a penis, if you're really all about size, like a lot of you claim to be, then soft is where it's at. Which is what I've been saying for years, so learn a lesson today.

It seems like a lot of stretching, like an unhealthy amount of stretching. Oh, I'm sorry, let me be up some uncooked pasta to eat. You're weird. You're weird. And speaking of soft peens, then hard penne, I guess, the study show that flaccid length is a bad predictor of a wrecked length. So listen up, Steve, from my high school locker room, Steve, some people are growers and not showers, Steve.

And when you measure it, by the way, hard or soft, you're supposed to push back the pubic fat all the way down Right Steve that counts you're supposed to push back the man football that's official science from doctors That I just read on the internet Steve right that's also just like standard You have to expose it from its wrapper before You have to expose it from its wrapper before the sex. That's what I read. Anyway, I don't know. This is still bullshit, though. I mean, there's no accounting here for temperature, humidity, altitude, lunar phase.

I feel like we're leaving out a lot of important, but just an exculpatory evidence. All right. Well, at standard temperature and pressure, Calming in, we'll get there to some of that. We'll get some. Okay, moving on to the stretched flaccid state. And there's not really much to say on this other than the fact that at some point someone doing one of these studies was like, hold on, this should count.

And they have their stretched out flaccid penis in their hands. And it caught on. Well, on that note, let's take a break for some very tasteful bit. Oh, sketch comedy. Hahaha. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick, from the citation needed podcast. And I don't just play a person with

a small penis on the internet. I have a small penis in real life. But guys, we're here to tell you that there's hope. There is hope. There is hope. Talk to your doctor about a personality. 9 out of 10 humans agree that nobody cares if you're packing a Fiji bottle if you can't form a coherent sentence.

Are you a nice person? Try being a nice person. Because people who enjoy penises, enjoy personalities, more. A personality. Nobody cares how big your dick is if you're funny. And you eat pussy. Yeah, definitely. Definitely.

That's absolutely fine. Gross. What does that even mean? Hold still. Hurry up. I'm kinda on the clock here. Can we change the video? This one's not really doing it for me.

You know what I'm saying? No! I told you I need this or I invert. You invert? Yes. Lots of guys invert. No. No, no, no.

Um, okay. All the way or just partial. By the way, how did I end up being the one measuring here? You're the one always saying we should get better metrics. I'm gonna need to get some gardening shares, I think. First I missed the eclipse and now this winner! Oh, fine, what's so... Eli, did you finish?

Was that not... What we're doing, the game? I quit, um, everything. I quit the everything. Yeah, I'm gonna need that video. And we're back. Oh, why? Why are we back? Why are we back?

We're not getting better. Why are we back? I told Sarah was gonna be home for half an hour. God do something. When we last left off, we had discussed flaccid and stretched flaccid. There's a very important distinction there. And it's all like we're about to start talking about hard cocks. We were.

Cecil just relaxed. We're gonna get there. It is in fact time to get into the details of the erect penis and all the different factors that might have an effect on its size. It is in fact time to get into the details of the erect penis and all the different factors that might have an effect on its size. And we'll start with one of the biggest factors, the self-measurement effect. According to just about everybody who's conducted one of these studies, when you let people self-report their erection size, the numbers end up being about 12 inches larger than when

medical professionals are taking the measurements. I still say it was a bad idea to conduct that survey on grind. Just my opinion, I'm not the scientist. Oh wait, our doctor's supposed to be measuring our erect caustic. Like, I think my medical records expunged this data. So among the many stats that have been examined in relation to penis size is age.

And we'll start from the beginning. According to the tireless work of WA Sean Feld, who published a penis growth curve in 1943, according to him, the average stretched length of a penis at birth is about 1.6 inches. So, um, two thoughts on that. I bet I know it. The first one is the first of all, somebody stretched out in a baby box to get a big enough sample size for that number, weird day for that person. And those babies.

And well, they don't know yet. Also, do babies have erections? Because it looks like Sean Phil didn't mention anything about that. Do they? Do you guys know if babies don't like you asked teeth? Okay, no, I never, I never, I take it back. I wasn't, I, I'm never asking you a lot. Don't worry. It feels like season was already going to do that in post, but you might as well make it official, I guess.

So Keith, you were saying before that we're jump cut in the recording about the correlation of to penis is an age, what was, what was it you're saying? Right. So apparently there's a popular misconception about what happens to the penis as we get older. Lots of people seem to think it starts getting smaller, but multiple studies have concluded that the age of a penis owner does not accurately predict their erection length. However, as I can already confirm at age 36, as I can already confirm at age 36, testicle size definitely does change. Like a fine wine, ball size improves with age drastically.

So, bit of a way out there isn't a ball length. I'm talking to you. I'd like to proudly announce that I'm already clocking in just above the name. She's surprised. That actually reminds me, Heath, could you stop wearing shorts when we record? No. Moving on, another factor that's been examined alongside penis size is body height. And the majority of studies have found a weak to moderate correlation between body

height and penis length, which is unfair because it can lead to unrealistic expectations that are impossible to meet. And it's bad for everybody. Everybody needs to keep in mind that there's no guarantees and plenty of studies have found no correlation between height and penis size. So just read a book. Everybody should also keep in mind that in at least one study, weight and body fat were found to have a negative

correlation with erection size. So everybody likes guys who are cuddly, but it's the air and then comes with a price and you got to be right. I'm going to order more salad. By the way, if I'm not mistaken, this is known as the white boards under the inaugural crowd effect. Tweeney's size and all the steroids, Andre, the giant, look like he had an any. All right, so another popular misconception involves the connection between race and penis size.

The general understanding is that black people have the largest pennies, while white people and Asian people have the smallest ones. I've just probably heard that, but the studies actually show this popular belief to be incorrect. Apparently race and penis size are not correlated like a lot of people think. Although to be fair, the misconception actually kind of works out okay. I mean, it provides a group of marginalized people with a positive stereotypes, that's good. While at the same time managing expectations for certain other groups, all around it's a good thing. Yeah, black guys have it so awesome.

Yeah. Is it just me or is he starting to get an Irish accent at this point? In the NSI? We just skated right over him saying, Penis, we just started to go from the end. That is the proper plural of penis.

Peanies or peens, it absolutely is. You sound like a crazy person, everyone knows. It's supposed to be penises, languages or whatever. It's a peenies or a panesia. They're all legitimate. Okay, moving on. Another factor that's been tested is religion. Really?

Believe it or not. In particular, being Jewish or not, one study showed that the average Jewish penis is slightly larger than the world average. But, you know, they control the media and all the real estate, so psychically, you need it. Yeah. Pretty sure if the, you know, Palestine Journal of Eurology did a study on that, they'd

get a different result. Yeah, well, it depends on I accurate their checkpoints are. I guess. I feel like that's a cheap shot. Oh, Oh, Oh, Palestine Journal of Eurology.

Uh, and we blew it up. Sorry, he, you were saying about my massive Schmeckle. I was. I was. Okay, speaking of Elish massive Schmeckle, to round out our list, we have three more factors worth mentioning. Schmeckles. Schmeckles. Schmeckles.

Well, it certainly wouldn't be Schmecky. It's Schmeckles. It's Schchley. It's mechley. Well, it certainly wouldn't be schmecky. It's mechleys. It's mechleys and that's the thing. Oh, I'm using the grammatically correct term. That's why it sound like a serial killer. All right. Well, we have three more factors that are worth mentioning.

One is actually a non-factor, much like race, the size of other body parts, like feeder hands do not have a connection to the size of one's penis on average. Not sure if the hands and feet were, you know, flaccid, flaccid, stretched or wrecked. It's a good initial relationship. David, I'm still pretty sure there's a negative correlation with truck size. I'm sure that's something. All right, I don't want to impune your research here, Heath, but my hands are definitely connected to my penis size, particularly the right one.

So I don't know if I can trust you on this on this. Well, it goes up and then down. It averages out. I'll be right back. Be like, well, no, you're right. Get a cancel. Okay. So next up, we have sexual orientation.

It's another factor. And it turns out that lesbians have the smallest average penis size. And on the other end of the spectrum were gay men, who, according to one study at least, had an average penis size that's about 0.3 inches larger than the heterophenous population. That seems unfair, right?

Isn't that like finding out proctologists have 40% larger hands than everybody else? I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to.

I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to.

I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going. No, you're gonna, I mean, at the shits just gonna fall out for a couple of days, but don't be fine afterwards. It's got like a drum of loom. Yeah. So wait, I got, I get another third of an inch if I'm gay,

like, I mean, like how gay do I have to be? Like, can I get a quarter inch? If I don't let them finish in my mouth. Yeah. Well, there's only one way to find out for sure, Tom. Oh, Garrison. Just to keep it. Bring your checkbook.

All right. And finally, we have temperature, the factor of temperature. And this one's important because people are not watching sign felt like they used to and shrinkage is real. Thank you. In response to cold temperatures like the water in a pool, for example, in voluntary contractions of the cream master muscle, great name, we'll cause the penis and scrotum to recede into the body like a frightened turtle as Jerry put it.

And if someone sees us after swimming, we don't end up getting full credit on our project. And it's full of things. Yeah. Pool first, then hot tub is a golden rule. Just I've never been in a piece stuff. So he's we're spent a lot of time on averages here. And that's mean. Oh,

It's a weirdly vanilla version of our show about penis size. Okay, time for a chowed mode, have mean median mode is a word that relates to that. I wrote that one for you too. I remember last week I wrote that one too. So we've learned native, that didn't, that was mine. I was pretty proud of the mode thing. Okay, I came up with that just now on the spot.

Everybody, we've learned all about different studies on the average human penis size, but you're probably wondering about the non-average penis. Cecil, perhaps you're wondering about the non-average penis. Maybe you want to ask me about it. Would you like to ask me? Question about the non-Average penis. Cecil, wait.

Cecil, please. There's nothing in the script. Please. People at home, there is nothing in the script. This is all gone very wrong. Cecil, ask me a question about big things. What, whatever question you want, he's, I just put the countdown. Thank you, Cecil. So let's talk about extreme

pennies. That's another great channel on porn. Okay, so for example, an adult penis with an erect length that's smaller than 2.8 inches, but otherwise normally formed is called a micro penis. And they are adorable. On the other end of the spectrum, we have penis with an erect length that's larger than 10 inches. Jesus. And the clinical term for one of those would be really huge penis. They are not adorable. Black, gross. Jesus, larger than 10 inches, that's the tail. Don't give Eli any ideas. Tom, how to use those tails. Way ahead of you. 10 bucks Eli shits in a kangaroo's pouch

from a town with 10 bucks with enthusiastic consent. What are you getting at this idea? Okay, well, with all this talk about length, we've actually been leaving out the real measure of a penis, the girth. That is the important stuff as everybody knows. Personality and the personality. And there's a snappy professor. The 401k. It's weird I was gonna say he's good with the kids, but let it out. It's not preferred. That's not preferred.

I've got the nicest penis. I'm a danger to myself. Kevin Spacey, okay, so studies show that the average circumference of an erect penis is about 4.8 inches, which means the width is about 1.5 inches. Now, for whatever reason, when they measure girth, they don't do a stretched version. Personally, I think that's a mistake. Put those in the numbers they get. Okay, yeah, I'm going to write this down average 1.5 inches. Okay, I think that's a mistake. Put those in the numbers they get. Okay, yeah, I'm gonna write this down average 1.5 inches. Okay, great question settled.

I'm a god. I'm gonna ask. It's a stretch version. Well, they get accurate measurements. They got a pound and flat like a beaver table, right? It's part of the pen. It's a rolling pen. It's a cutlet.

So we need a schnitzel in fact. That's so weird. So we need to schnitzle, in fact. And one more fun fact for you. Studies show that connoisseurs of the penis actually think that girth is more important than length. That's right. For example, question. Yes, Eli.

Connoisseurs of the penis. Yes. I'm picturing that movie's foam, but they're just gargling penises. Another great porn hub channel right there. Yeah. Pinky out. That's important. It's classy.

So, um, classy. Disagree. So, um, some evidence for the claim that girth is more important than length. That's true fact. According to a survey by psychology today, the majority of women are not especially concerned with penis size. And over 71% felt that men were focusing on size and shape more than they should. I'm not sure what they mean by focusing on shape.

But size is clear. Are there different shapes. I feel like it's all, it's all heirloom bananas, right? What? Yeah, I'm with you. He's like a gonzo nose. That's the best shape, right? Man's a triangle.

Like a, like a corkscrew. You have to widen yourself in there. Don't actually have that. Yes, yeah, they do. I feel like maybe what they meant is that not many guys are concerned about shape, but the ones that are are really fucking concerned. All right, so, uh, well, last thing before we wrap it up, I just want to make sure everyone knows we're not being sexist here.

I actually looked up human vaginainas eyes on Wikipedia too, but it's almost blank. It's pretty much, I think it's just says, really give a shit about the dimensions, just be happier ever invited. Really? Invitation required. That is the point of this essay.

Then it's something about focusing on the crest to the blah, blah, blah, I stopped doing it. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, great advice. Are you ready for a quiz from the panel? I am ready for a quiz

from the panel. All right. I'll go first. With startling revelations such as penis size and self-image or linked in this week's essay, what will the subject of Heath's next essay be? Is it A? People who say they went to the school of hard knocks aren't very smart be girls who say they don't usually do this do see the guy on Facebook just playing devil's advocate believes everything he's saying. Or D. Tom cruises gay. What? I, E, I don't want to do any of those. It's E. That's correct.

Secret answers. All right. This, this Wikipedia article seems to be strangely written to comfort. He, so what other phrases phrases bring heat comfort on cold inverted mornings? A lots of men live in their buddies addicts. No one really needs more than one with buttons. Well, why would that? That's okay. Sorry. See, four years is a long time, you'll never see 40. Oh, okay. You got it. That's fine.

Oh, did you cut C? Cause it was insensitive? I see C right there. I don't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. I just didn't know. I didn't want to be rude.

Like more rude. Like, rude about things that might matter. I felt bad. Yeah, right. No, I didn't know I didn't want to be rude like more rude like Root about things that might matter. I felt bad right now. You're your premature death was one thing He didn't want to joke around about it. I'm not fine. Obviously. It wasn't It's C. We're not gonna say what's he is Let me quickly change the subject. All right, what are some ways to make your micro? Not your micro penis, I'm saying you're in the sense like if someone were to have a micro penis.

So I know the micro oil you are. My penis look larger. Hey, I'm just picturing the burger king with a micro penis. I am nowuring the burger king with a micro penis. I'm always, always, always, always, every time I close my eyes. Some ways to make your micro penis look larger. A, pull your dick away from your body to give the illusion of spaciousness. Spaciousness.

Also, there's a stretch factor back here. B, it's had two stripes to elongate the space. See strategically placed floor to ceiling mirrors. D and shelves near your belly button to draw your eyes. Or E, shout feminism is cancer. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It is you are right. Just walking around skepticon with shells protruding in your shirt to the ladies. You big fan of the show. Eyes upward ladies. I'm up here. All the way up here. Big tall guy. Very spacious I like to say. I look just like you imagined. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. I've got one more question, even though I don't want to follow Cecil now. So Cecil's just put this one in as the third one, then you can look at it. All right. So as you mentioned, men are rationally terrified that their penis isn't going to measure up. And of course, Hollywood filmmakers have known this for a long time, which is the highest grossing micro penis horror film of all time.

Is it a 28 millimeters later? B, let the right one in. I already did. Is it C, the Texas chainsaw circumcision? Or D, of course, the late, the classic, the 1950s classic, the greatest chowed on earth. That was perfect. It's got to be, it's got to be B. That's perfect. It's gotta be, it's gotta be be left the right one in. Are you in yet?

I already have that is correct. That is correct. I like to make it easy on you. I didn't want to, oh no way. It's supposed to be, you're supposed to be wrong, aren't you? Oh, somebody won. You decide. And we're in Australia.

So we're just going to have Sarah read this week's Twitter question. Hey, but you know what? Since we're not going to respond anyways, why don't you go ahead and tweet it. Heath not to use the word penis ever again. The Oxford dictionary people hold a gun to his hand. Say penises like a human who doesn't have a girl in his basement all locked up and covered in a bucket of lindelace. This week's question is, what's the best nickname for a micro penis?

He's asking for a front. Just retweet or Facebook share this episode with your answer for a chance to be next week's winner. Back to you Captain Nubbins. Alright, well for Noah, Tom, Eli, and Heath, I'm Cecil. Thank you for hanging out with today. We'll be back next week, and by then, I guess it's Noah. He'll be the expert on something else. Oh good. I didn't even know that. All right, Noah, study out. Between now and then, you can listen to The Skeptocrat,

God Awful Movies, and The Skating Atheists, done by guys with very normal-sized penises. And you can listen to the cognitive dissonance done by Tom and I with our micro-penises. Hey! Oh, that's just true. And if you'd like to help keep the show going, you can make a prepsodon donation at patreon.com slash citation pod,

and leave us a or leave us a five star review everywhere you can. If you'd like to get in touch with us, check out the show notes, connect with us on social media, or check out past episodes, you can check us out on citation pod.com and remember, it's not a size of the wave, it's the motion in the ocean. That's why I still on a water bed. No water beds! Hey guys, I want to go check out that new vegan Chinese place. Oh yeah, that sounds great.

Absolutely, yeah. Oh, yeah, that sounds great. Absolutely, yeah. Ah!